• May 26, 2012
SHORT-FORM JOURNAMALISM

October 14, 2011

Riley Is Not Dead (Yet): Very Brief Update From Occupied Libertyville Park

by Ken Layne  

Wonkette special correspondent Riley Waggaman is like the child you threw out and then, years later, kind of felt bad about. What ever happened to him? Well, after a triumphant week or two of posting dispatches from the Occupy Wall Street campout, Riley had to hitchhike back to New Hampshire for some other kind of “personal liberty,” but now he’s back at Zuccotti. Here is the entirety of his email today:

[Offline] Riley Waggaman to me

show details 11:43 AM (1 hour ago)

Hey! sorry! I have been at the park since last weekend. But I have not been able to write anything recently, mostly due to terrible laziness/I’m now stashing my computer at a friend’s house in Brooklyn, which makes breaking-news coverage difficult.

But I was there for all the craziness last night/this morning! We got rained on hard. Developed a bit of a cold so now I am resting up. Will try to write something today!

riley

So, no Armies of the Night II from Waggaman today. Maybe tomorrow!? Kirsten B. says she’s going to make him “some cookies from the mysterious “halloween sandwich mold cutters” (ew) that my mom just mailed to me.”

{ 76 comments }

Barb October 14, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Riley, sorry about the cold. Feel better soon.

Mumbletypeg October 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I don't know which should concern us about Riley more: cold mutters or "mold cutters"

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm

If he starts writing about "banana cutters," we'll know he hitch-hiked to Bangkok.

sezme October 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Riley, sorry about the laziness. Feel better soon.

Kidding, friend. You have my total respect.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 14, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Halloween sammiches?

Things are looking up, Riley.

Hang in there!
~

bureaucrap October 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm

keep up the good work!

How 'bout some video of that "personal liberty" up in NH? On the other hand, if it's not pornographic, don't bother.

x111e7thst October 14, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Hals und Beinbruch Riley.

Allmighty_Manos October 14, 2011 at 1:05 pm

"Riley had to hitchhike back to New Hampshire for some other kind of “personal liberty,”

That is one way way of saying me and MacPro got stomped by the NYPD and spent the week in the hospital.

Unity and Struggle!

weejee October 14, 2011 at 1:05 pm

KBJ if Riley is ill, ya don't want to cut off that bread mold as it has them there pennysillians in it.

paris biltong October 14, 2011 at 1:06 pm

What is this crap? Did Lenin write about his sinus condition? Did Fidel Castro send out releases about his hemorrhoids? Do the Libyan revolutionaries treat us with news of their psoriasis? Get on with the class struggle Riley, never mind your personal issues.

emmelemm October 14, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I laughed. Then I felt bad. Feel better, Riley!

deanbooth October 14, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Many upfists for you!

hagajim October 14, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Riley Waggaman…more like Riley Slackaman. C'mon man, get us the dirt!

Beowoof October 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Yeah more pics of the topless chicks.

HistoriCat October 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Wait – more pics? Where were the first pics?

Callyson October 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

"Personal liberty"? Is that the new term for "hot date"?
Get well soon, Riley!

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Keep up the good work Riley — and the best thing for a cold is a clove of garlic and a shot of Maker's Mark.

finallyhappy October 14, 2011 at 8:25 pm

A friend says 1 clove of garlic every half hour until you have eaten 6 cloves, meanwhile you have to be wrapped in many layers in bed- so I guess this won't work for Zucotti park- unless Riley burrows under a bunch of people

elviouslyqueer October 14, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Forget the cookies, Kirsten. Riley needs Whoopie Pies!

ifthethunderdontgetya October 14, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Ingredients

* 1 1/2 sticks (6 ounces) unsalted butter, 1 stick melted, 1/2 stick softened
* 1 cup packed light brown sugar
* 2 large eggs, at room temperature, lightly beaten
* 1 cup canned pure pumpkin puree
* 1 tablespoon pumpkin pie spice
* 1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
* 1 teaspoon baking powder
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 3/4 teaspoon plus 2 pinches salt
* 1-2/3 cups flour
* 4 ounces cream cheese, chilled
* 1 cup confectioners' sugar

POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME!
~

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Oh man, my auntie made a batch of them last year when I visited up in yankee land, talk about taking me back to the days of my youth. mmm-mmm.

BornInATrailer October 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm

No, no, no. I'm glad she's using cream cheese in a frosting instead of terrible shortening filling whoopie pies, but you want these:
http://www.marshmallowfluff.com/pages/whoopie_pie...

Double the filling. Do not bake the cakes too long. Thank me later.

the_problem_child October 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Do. NOT. Want.

(Marshmallow Fluff is made of peeps.)

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2011 at 1:12 pm

"We got rained on hard."

Your move, Bob Dylan.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 14, 2011 at 1:29 pm

See below.

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I'm into the whole brevity thing, man.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm

K

DahBoner October 15, 2011 at 8:29 pm

"We got rained on hard"

Lost in the rain in Juarez and it's eastertime too?

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Riley, get some chicken soup when you go visit your computer over there in Brooklyn. I'm sure there's someone in that town who knows how to make it.

BarackMyWorld October 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

He's not dead yet! He's getting better!

It's like the '68 Democratic Convention meets Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I tells ya!

jus_wonderin October 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I hope Riley doesn't have the bird flu. Or, some contagious strain of virus that causes pox on the face. The virus, having been given to monkeys that escaped from a missile silo in the Southwest where Native Americans cursed the ancient stories that the monkeys will whisper into Riley's ear.

Mahousu October 14, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Uh oh, looks like Breitbart was just at "Riley's Farm" where he apparently has a cameo role in a new episode of "Courage, New Hampshire." Is that what Riley was gone for? How much courage did it take, exactly?

ProgressiveInga October 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm

"Developed a bit of a cold so now I am resting up."

Should we start calling him Anita Waggaman? Riley Perry? Sorry it's so brutal, bud, but quit yer whinin' and get back to protestin'! This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no foolin' around.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 14, 2011 at 1:22 pm

♪♫"And what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
And what'll you do now my darling young one?"
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'.
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest
Where the people are a many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
Where the executioner's face is always well hidden
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I'll tell and think it and speak it and breathe it
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it.
Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my songs well before I start singin'.
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.♪♬

Not_So_Much October 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Day man!
Fighter of the Night man
Champion of the sun
You’re a master of karate and friendship…for everyone
Day man, day man
Uhh ahhahh

nounverb911 October 14, 2011 at 1:23 pm

"Developed a bit of a cold so now I am resting up. "
Needs more chicken soup.

Mrs. Bitch October 14, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Use this to your advantage boy! Get out there and cough and hack on every cop you can find. Oh, and any passing empty-suits. Get in their faces and say lots of words that start with "sp" so the spit just flies. Christ, life gives you cooties, make some cootie-ade.

frostbitefalls October 14, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Hang in there, Riley!

proudgrampa October 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Riley –

Stay strong, buddy!

Love,

proudgrampa

chascates October 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Bill O'Reilly Says Wall Street Occupiers are Infested with Rats, Drugs and Outdoor Sex.

What's up with the rats?

OneYieldRegular October 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Doesn't he sound just incredibly envious?

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2011 at 1:55 pm

He's still pissed off that he missed Woodstock Altamont.

paris biltong October 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Brats?

edgydrifter October 14, 2011 at 2:00 pm

It's New York–every place is rat-infested. Besides, if you're getting some quality drug-fueled public sex and you still can't stop thinking about rats, buddy, there's something wrong with your brain.

Chichikovovich October 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Reminds me of a documentary I saw on the Berkeley free speech movement in the 60s. John Searle, who was Berkeley dean of students at the time, said of the students occupying Sproul plaza: (Can't recall the exact quote): They were basically clean cut kids who had reasonable expectations about open debate. Then Governor Reagan denounced them as unwashed druggie fiends listening to wild music and having sex day and night. And within a week every lunatic in California descended – we were overrun by people looking for sex/drugs/etc. It had to be there, right? The governor said so.

Geminisunmars October 14, 2011 at 7:56 pm

But we brought lotsa drugs and generated lotsa sex when we came, so it was all good. Right?

SorosBot October 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Are we sure Riley's not just making up this cold thing as an excuse for his fake eyebrow falling off?

Seriously, hope you feel better soon, Riley.

Beowoof October 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Riley, get well soon. And I would make sure you avoid any blankets being distributed by Koch Charities. Something tells me they may provide more than warmth.

emmelemm October 14, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Smallpox? Bubonic plague? Think of the possibilities.

karen October 14, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Find a Romanian village in NYC. Buy a bottle of tuica (plum brandy). Put a small pot on the stove, add 1/2 – 2/3 cup of brandy, add 1/4 tsp of sugar and 5 peppercorns. Bring it to just below boiling, slowly pour into a small mug, and enjoy.

It'll knock your ass out as well as the cold, works like a charm.

NYNYNYjr October 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Riley's like a bad abortion, just keeps coming back.

RadioOcupados October 14, 2011 at 2:19 pm

back to New Hampshire

Wait, what, Rliey is thinking of a GOP presidential run?

BlueStateLibel October 14, 2011 at 2:22 pm

A caveat to my previous advice: fat NYPD on horses won't run you over, but fat NYPD on scooters will.

chascates October 14, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Lady Noonington wadeth in:
OWS is not in itself important—it is obvious at this point that it's less a political movement than a be-in. It's unfocused, unserious in its aims.

A movement that will go nowhere but could do real damage would be "We hate the rich, let's stick it to them." Movements built on hatred are corrosive, and in the end corrode themselves. Ask Robespierre. In any case, the rich would leave. The rich are old, they feel like refugees in the new America anyway.

paris biltong October 14, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Much like Joe DiMaggio, Mr. Robespierre has long been gone. Coo coo ca choo Mrs Noonington.

Crank_Tango October 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm

say what you want about robespierre, dame nooningtonshire, he still cut some motherfucking heads off. Shitloads of them. I think we can stand to lose a heretofore non-existent robespierre to see lloyd blankfein's head in a basket.

thebeatgoeson October 14, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Lady Noonington maketh me gag. Poor rich refugees. Boo hoo.

Ken Layne October 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Peggy Noonan is New Jersey turnpike trash doing a 30-year tranny act as an Upper East Side Socialite. I wonder how quick she'll drop that act when the mob (led by her doorman) stomps down the hall.

BlueStateLibel October 14, 2011 at 4:57 pm

"Movements built on hatred are corrosive, and in the end corrode themselves." Not so at all, the anti-gay hate movement is still going strong. And the rich are now all old? Is she shooting heroin along with her four martinis every night now?

James Michael Curley October 14, 2011 at 2:39 pm

You know who else is not dead yet?

ProgressiveInga October 14, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Paul McCartney?

SorosBot October 14, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Proving there is no justice in the universe, Dick Cheney?

Tommmcattt October 14, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Zha Zha Gabor, barely?

Geminisunmars October 14, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Hope and Change?

DahBoner October 15, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Amy Winehouse
Michael Jackson

Dick Cheney?

tcaalaw October 17, 2011 at 10:43 am

Francisco Franco? Oh, wait….

Crank_Tango October 14, 2011 at 2:43 pm

This is good news for Wonkette Jr.

DahBoner October 15, 2011 at 7:23 pm

And John McCain!

chascates October 14, 2011 at 3:09 pm

http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/10/legal-...

The National Lawyers Guild confirms to TPM that one of its legal observers was injured and arrested in an incident involving a NYPD motor scooter that was captured on video Friday morning during the Occupy Wall Street protests.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrzQedHM6SY&fe...

DaRooster October 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

What exactly would one put in a "Jesus Ween" cookie?

Barrelhse October 14, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Jesus H. Ween.

ProudLibunatic October 14, 2011 at 5:24 pm

How about a Jesus Ween matzoh ball for dear Riley?
(Well, he WAS Jewish…)

finallyhappy October 14, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I think hot and sour soup is better for a cold- clears out that nose

DahBoner October 15, 2011 at 7:22 pm

The best is my Whole head of Garlic, Ginger and Habanero pepper Chicken Soup.

Just like my Jewish grandmother used to make…

Antispandex October 14, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Cold? What is that, a code?

DahBoner October 15, 2011 at 7:21 pm

"Riley Is Not Dead (Yet)"

Born to be alive?

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