brilliant just brilliant

Lead GOP Candidate’s Economic Plan Stolen From A Computer Game

Herman Cain's America.Herman Cain — still currently topping the presidential polls of GOP voters — and his half-assed economic platform of “9% income tax, 9% corporate tax and 9% sales tax” is the teatard-brained epitome of a candidate who thinks the 140-character limit on Twitter also applies to policy formulation. But mysteriously, this has not stopped the nation’s fevered political newz typists from hashing out an earnest attempt to parse and analyze his numbskull proposal, instead of just laughing at it. Congratulations, you have all put more effort into thinking about Cain’s platform than he did! Why say that? Because an important exposé from the child-slave-journalists at the Huffington Post reveals that all Herman Cain probably did was bother to steal the fictional 9-9-9 tax structure written by the programmers of computer game SimCity 4. 

And what makes the 9-9-9 tax plan of SimCity 4 so appealing?

Kip Katsarelis, a senior producer for Maxis, the company that created the SimCity series, was excited that politicians may be looking to video games for ideas.

Adopting such a simple tax structure, Katsarelis said, would allow fantasy political leaders to focus their energy on infrastructure and national security. “Our game design team thought that an easy to understand taxation system would allow players to focus on building their cities and have fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”

That does sound like more fun than dealing with the budget deficit crisis, probably? Herman Cain, everybody, your new president of GIANT LIZARD ATTACKS. [HuffPo]

What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

156 comments

    1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      You mean a high-altitude, low-opening parachute drop? Say from 10,000 feet AMSL, with an oxygen bottle to breathe from until the candidates hit more breathable air at lower altitude?

      Sounds good, but Mittens would win — he doesn't need oxygen.

    2. extreme_left

      I'm more of a Battlefield person myself, tracer on this numbskull would result in collective dissolution in a most satisfying time frame.

    3. Mapmonger

      Unfortunately, these are Republicans, so we'd be stuck with some horrific back-shelf Leisure Suit Larry knockoff.

    1. chicken_thief

      Looks like he might get 100% of the "Go Ahead and Fuck my Grandma So the Rich Can Have Another Tax Break" vote.

      Why do they love Obama so much that they want to give him another tax break?!

    1. hagajim

      Yep! They all pretty much said he was completely insane…for some of the same reasons Cain is going to fall in the polls like Abel soon.

    2. Graham Cracker

      Their collective memory doesn't go that far back… except for their warped memory of Ronald Regan.

  1. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Because an important exposé from the child-slave-journalists at the Huffington Post…

    Poor Dan Froomkin. I blame Fred Hiatt, in spite of his piteous pleas of ignorance lack of responsibility.

    P.S. I do admire that photograph of flying pizza dragons destroying a city.
    ~

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, Cain's economic advisor that came up with this shit, Rich Lowry, sure looks a lot like a slimmed down version of Tor Johnson.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      Please, oh please, let that become the shorthand used universally to refer to Cain's economic plan.

    3. Ducksworthy

      Romney will top this crap by completing Plan 10 From Outer Space (original film starring Karen Black and revealing the Mormons' secret plan for world domination.)

      1. Chichikovovich

        Very true. Jeri Ryan never looked as good in her civilian clothes with her beach-girl smile as she looked in that tight spacesuit with the haughty manner.

      2. kissawookiee

        One and the same! My claim to a brush with fame is being in the same freshman communications class with Jeri Ryan at Northwestern, long before she met the creepazoid husband who made her blow him at sex parties and thus opened the door to Barack Obama. Now there was the Significant Blowjob to End All Blowjobs.

    1. gurukalehuru

      Actually, everybody assumes that Jeri Ryan played 7 of 9, because it was just a TV show, after all, but the real truth is somewhat more complex.
      In a never seen episode, 7 of 9 traveled from the Gamma Quadrant in the 24th century through time and space (something about an anomaly in the temporal field) to late 20th century Earth, where she put a mind lock on congressperson Jack Ryan (i.e. let him see her tits) deliberately in order to lure him into a sex scandal and force him out of office, thus enabling the political career of Barack Hussein Obama, who is remembered in the 24th century as "The 21st Century's Millard Fillmore" for his role in opening up trade with the planet Vulcan.
      So, 7 of 9 was playing Jeri Ryan playing 7 of 9. For which our descendants will be eternally grateful.

  2. johnnyzhivago

    Does the guy EVEN REALIZE he's in a real world and not playing a computer game.

    BTW, my kid has thousands of hours in SimCity4, which makes him the most qualified to be president. He will be declaring his candidacy after he finishes his homework. One caution – he usually likes to wreck them with a tornado or nuclear explosion when he gets bored, so if you vote for him, don't let him get bored.

  3. fartknocker

    Rick Perry's plan is called "10-10-10." It works out like this:

    Everybody but Rick and Anita shall follow the 10 Commandments;
    $0.10 of very tax dollar goes into the Rick Perry Special Enterprise Fund for his pet projects; and,
    Rick will execute 10 prisoners every month he's President

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Rick will execute 10 prisoners every month ten days he's President.

      Fixed, to remain with the whole "base 10" premise.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      By an amazing co-incidence 999 is the British equivalent of dialing 911- synchronicity? You be the judge……….

  4. SayItWithWookies

    This shouldn't come as a surprise — the Republicans in the House just passed an anti-abortion law that was based on what you can do to the hookers in Grand Theft Auto.

  5. hagajim

    I got a much better idea for Herman…add a fourth and fifth bracket…39% for those making over $250K a year ($150 individual), and 50% on those making over $1 million….oh, and raise the cap on SS and Medicare to $250K….hows that fuckwad….and no more loss carryforward shit for megacorps like GE. Instead give them breaks for jobs in America and R&D and such stuff.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I got another idea. Thanks to "Citizens United", corporations are now people. How 'bout we give the boards of directors some body armor, some carbines, and send 'em off to Afghanistan? Tomorrow!

  6. ManchuCandidate

    Fuck Sim City. It's a fucking CITY.

    If you're going to rule a nation then the video game you should base it on is CIV4. It doesn't take much to realize that Hermie's dumbass 9-9-9 plan would cripple an empire.

    1. SorosBot

      Why not the original Civ? That way, if we're lucky, a lone spear-man may be able to successfully defend a city from a tank.

  7. jrients

    Any other old school wrestling fans around here? Remember Jim Herd, the empty suit who did his damnedest to destroy World Championship Wrestling via his own stupidity? The man had ideas too stupid for wrestling fans to buy into, for crying out loud. He ran the company into the ground and drove Ric Flair, one of the best if not the best villains in the field, right into the arms of the competition.

    Herd's previous gig? Pizza Hut executive.

  8. MissTaken

    And to think all that time I thought was wasted when my ex would spend hours playing video games instead of working a job or having sex with me he was actually formulating a presidential campaign strategy. Now I feel bad for dumping his ass.

    1. Guppy06

      "playing video games instead of working a job or having sex with me"

      I can understand one but not the other.

      Perhaps the video games themselves involved sex?

    2. Fare la Volpe

      My ex and I used to have sex while playing video games.

      And people wonder why I'll never forget him…

  9. hagajim

    Oh and a last suggestion – if you are a true Trustafarian and are not adding any value to the world, tax them at 90% and waive it all if they spend a 1,000 hours a year volunteering somewhere.

  10. Mumbletypeg

    SIMple Simon met a pie man
    Going to the fair;
    Said SIMple Simon to the pie man
    “Steal this idea if you dare!”

    Well I guess now we know how that story ends.

  11. x111e7thst

    I always felt there was something amiss in Duke Nukem. Now I know what. Excessively elaborate tax structure.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Imaginary zombie Reagan butthole. Even Reagan was not this stupid, well OK maybe after the drooling became uncontrollable.

  12. DashboardBuddha

    I read somewhere that he was going to get his foreign policy info from Civ IV, military guidance from Call of Duty, musical chops from Guitar Hero, and sweet lovin' skills from Leisure Suit Larry.

  13. kissawookiee

    I hope President Cain runs the Pentagon on the tried-and-true Atari Combat model. One joystick and one button and instructions printed on the back of the cartridge, thank you very much, not this up-down-down-left-right-stan-stan-stan malarkey and an instruction book the size of an average piece of legislation, from back when bills were allowed to be more than three pages. Also, tanks with ricocheting bullets.

  14. user-of-owls

    Before you start busting Herman's balls, remember: The Founding Fathers swiped all the ideas for the Constitution from cribbage.

    1. kissawookiee

      I wondered where that pegged-up-the-ass sensation was coming from. And don't get me started about the double runs.

    2. Limeylizzie

      My favourite game, my Auntie taught my brother and when we were kids and we used to snigger over the "And one for his knob" thing that you do with the Jacks, maybe that is only in the UK.

  15. DashboardBuddha

    I wonder if Cain loved SimCity as much as I did. Man, I would play that game for hours. I bet Cain's city would be a version of Magnasanti.

  16. chascates

    The Daily Caller drinks the kool-aid:
    If implemented, the 9-9-9 plan would broaden the tax base. We would truly return to the principle of everyone paying his or her fair share, with no more free-riders. Everyone would have skin in the game.
    Some of us have already lost our skin and can't pay anything, asshole.

    1. Ducksworthy

      On behalf of all of us who have been rendered skinless by our reptilian version of capitalism, I thank you.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      Right, because that's the problem plaguing our tax code – all those wretched poors who don't even have enough money for food let alone taxes.

      1. carlgt1

        but the plan seems to be the poors have a TV set and a car, so we need to tax that away from 'em….

  17. JustPixelz

    Herman Cain is actually required by Repubican Party rules to use video games for his policy decisions.

    I recently learned something quite interesting about video games. Many young people have developed incredible hand, eye, and brain coordination in playing these games. The air force believes these kids will be our outstanding pilots should they fly our jets.

    – Ronald Reagan

    So it is written, so it is done.

  18. FNMA

    Sure, laugh now, but when the giant lizards attack…
    Well, yeah, we'll pretty much be fucked, but still.

  19. OneYieldRegular

    Like you actually expected someone whose ambition was to run a chain of pizza places to have an original idea?

  20. Ramon X

    Some years ago my daughter and a girlfriend learned the Sim version of On Top of Old Smokey which they then proceeded to perform at the local church basement open mic night. But nobody's eyebrow fell off, also.

  21. SorosBot

    I bet Herman thinks real plumbers spend most of their time eating mushrooms and jumping on turtles too.

  22. Generation[redacted]

    I don't know policy, but someone needs to quit hitting the tornado and hurricane button. It's seriously annoying.

  23. coolhandnuke

    If you play Herman Cain's 9-9-9 tax structure speech backwards, it plainly states "Ron Paul is dead…Ron Paul is dead."

  24. THE_BOFFIN

    Did anyone else use to play 'SimHealth' back in the day? Easily the most complex, most difficult, and least accessible game ever produced by Maxis. Basically allowed you to control the US healthcare system: coverage, payment structures, allocations, etc. I wonder if Cain ever played that too? If he managed to win it I would be super-impressed.

  25. Chichikovovich

    So I guess Cain's job creation plan is to remove all the burdensome regulations hindering the work of Umbrella Corporation.

  26. Mahousu

    Cain has graduated to SimAnt. Next week, he'll give a major policy speech about how we "need to get the spider before it can get us."

  27. Corrugated Palin

    I can only assume that Herman Cain's plan for disaster preparedness is "try not hitting the fucking button for once".

  28. Chillwaver

    Cain's City name in SimCity was prolly Herb-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.

    I can't understand for the life of me, why the media keeps pushing this hack as a viable candidate…

    1. gurukalehuru

      because they want Romney. They've been trying to find candidates that would make him look good – Bachmann, Hucklepuckle, Trump, Palin, Christie, Bachmann, Perry, Paul and Cain, but nothing seems to work.

  29. MistaEko

    Well, he's going to have a big disappointment when the budget crises isn't solved by typing "F-U-N-D" several times, earthquakes be damned.

    What's worse is his "up up down down left right left right" Afghanistan strategy.

    /Hi Kotaku, how are you?.

  30. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Former Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Herman "Herb" Cain
    remember the Rick Perry plunge, watch the Hermanator crash

    Cain Train is off the rails already

  31. datateday

    Incorrect, HuffPo. It took Herman Cain alot of cheese and sauce to come up with that tax plan. You have no right to compare it to this giant lizard video game.

  32. awwalk56

    Maybe cain is delusional, well, he is delusional but I mean multidimensional delusional. And maybe in one of those dimensions he morphs in and out of he's running for president of SimCity and get's confused when he's back in this dimension? Hence; jive talkin' and crazy shit, like "999 be bode"! Black walunt be bode! cain 2012! Hey, it might work in another dimension.

  33. Preacher_Griz

    This is just evidence of Truck Stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain "Heritage" issue.

    He has also stolen from me the proposal to build an electric border fence.

    I have long advocated not only that we build such a fence, but that the fence be visible from Outer Space, at Night Time.

Comments are closed.