Herman Cain's America.Herman Cain — still currently topping the presidential polls of GOP voters — and his half-assed economic platform of “9% income tax, 9% corporate tax and 9% sales tax” is the teatard-brained epitome of a candidate who thinks the 140-character limit on Twitter also applies to policy formulation. But mysteriously, this has not stopped the nation’s fevered political newz typists from hashing out an earnest attempt to parse and analyze his numbskull proposal, instead of just laughing at it. Congratulations, you have all put more effort into thinking about Cain’s platform than he did! Why say that? Because an important exposé from the child-slave-journalists at the Huffington Post reveals that all Herman Cain probably did was bother to steal the fictional 9-9-9 tax structure written by the programmers of computer game SimCity 4. 

And what makes the 9-9-9 tax plan of SimCity 4 so appealing?

Kip Katsarelis, a senior producer for Maxis, the company that created the SimCity series, was excited that politicians may be looking to video games for ideas.

Adopting such a simple tax structure, Katsarelis said, would allow fantasy political leaders to focus their energy on infrastructure and national security. “Our game design team thought that an easy to understand taxation system would allow players to focus on building their cities and have fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”

That does sound like more fun than dealing with the budget deficit crisis, probably? Herman Cain, everybody, your new president of GIANT LIZARD ATTACKS. [HuffPo]

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  • slithytoves

    I'd like to take a HALO approach to these candidates.

  • nounverb911

    When will Herman Cain admit that he went back in time and invented it first?

  • OneDollarJuana

    My Herman Cain zip code is 92999!

  • tihond

    Meanwhile, Rick Perry just plans on typing "GLITTERING PRIZES" over and over.

    • WVUer21

      And endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity.

  • Barb

    And with this stupid idea he will probably get 9% of the vote.

    • user-of-owls

      …of his extended family, you mean.

    • chicken_thief

      Looks like he might get 100% of the "Go Ahead and Fuck my Grandma So the Rich Can Have Another Tax Break" vote.

      Why do they love Obama so much that they want to give him another tax break?!

  • meatlofer

    You gotta figure Herman is pack'in 9.

  • nounverb911

    Didn't the GOP's collective heads all explode when Steve Forbes proposed a 20% flat tax?

    • OneDollarJuana

      Especially the ones with an 11% effective tax rate.

    • hagajim

      Yep! They all pretty much said he was completely insane…for some of the same reasons Cain is going to fall in the polls like Abel soon.

    • You don't hear much about a flat tax now that the rich actually pay a lower rate than the middle class.

    • Graham Cracker

      Their collective memory doesn't go that far back… except for their warped memory of Ronald Regan.

  • …and his foreign policy is said to be inspired by Missile Command.

    • I thought PacMan — that little pizza eating those dots. And maybe the dots are middle class jobs disappearing from the screen of America.

  • teatard-brained epitome of a candidate who thinks the 140-character limit on Twitter also applies to policy formulation.

    Christ, what a goober.

  • Because an important exposé from the child-slave-journalists at the Huffington Post…

    Poor Dan Froomkin. I blame Fred Hiatt, in spite of his piteous pleas of ignorance lack of responsibility.

    P.S. I do admire that photograph of flying pizza dragons destroying a city.

  • Crank_Tango

    and yet, Ron Paul wants the country to be run like Pong.

    • Ron Paul and electricity don't mix. He's definitely more comfortable with water-wheel technology.

      • Which he built himself

        • Tommmcattt

          Out of the bones and sinews of the last Mastadon….

          • jodyleek

            And his own eyebrows.

    • AJWjr.

      Beer Pong.

  • nounverb911

    Is this a remake of "Plan Nine from Outer Space"?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, Cain's economic advisor that came up with this shit, Rich Lowry, sure looks a lot like a slimmed down version of Tor Johnson.

      • Generation[redacted]

        So, then, Shelly is Bride of the Monster? Or is that Perry's wife?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Please, oh please, let that become the shorthand used universally to refer to Cain's economic plan.

    • Ducksworthy

      Romney will top this crap by completing Plan 10 From Outer Space (original film starring Karen Black and revealing the Mormons' secret plan for world domination.)

    • Graham Cracker

      That movie was much better than Cain's plan.

  • tihond

    I prefer Jack Ryan's old "Seven of Nine" plan.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Myself am preferential to Captain Janeway's 7 of 9, even with that space-age monocle.

      • Chichikovovich

        Very true. Jeri Ryan never looked as good in her civilian clothes with her beach-girl smile as she looked in that tight spacesuit with the haughty manner.

      • kissawookiee

        One and the same! My claim to a brush with fame is being in the same freshman communications class with Jeri Ryan at Northwestern, long before she met the creepazoid husband who made her blow him at sex parties and thus opened the door to Barack Obama. Now there was the Significant Blowjob to End All Blowjobs.

        • ProgressiveInga

          Six degrees of Kevin Bacon, for realz.

    • Actually, everybody assumes that Jeri Ryan played 7 of 9, because it was just a TV show, after all, but the real truth is somewhat more complex.
      In a never seen episode, 7 of 9 traveled from the Gamma Quadrant in the 24th century through time and space (something about an anomaly in the temporal field) to late 20th century Earth, where she put a mind lock on congressperson Jack Ryan (i.e. let him see her tits) deliberately in order to lure him into a sex scandal and force him out of office, thus enabling the political career of Barack Hussein Obama, who is remembered in the 24th century as "The 21st Century's Millard Fillmore" for his role in opening up trade with the planet Vulcan.
      So, 7 of 9 was playing Jeri Ryan playing 7 of 9. For which our descendants will be eternally grateful.

  • Generation[redacted]

    This is a step up for a guy whose business plan was based on Burger Time.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more Lennon/McCartney lyrics.
    Revolution #9

    • MzNicky

      I just signed up for the Revolution #9 ringtone.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Appropriate, since when you play it backwards, John says "Turn me on, dead man."

  • SorosBot

    So did Ron Paul get his idea of switching from dollars to gold coins from World of Warcraft?

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Lots of of purple items, I'm sure.

  • Does the guy EVEN REALIZE he's in a real world and not playing a computer game.

    BTW, my kid has thousands of hours in SimCity4, which makes him the most qualified to be president. He will be declaring his candidacy after he finishes his homework. One caution – he usually likes to wreck them with a tornado or nuclear explosion when he gets bored, so if you vote for him, don't let him get bored.

    • I'm sure your "kid" will make a great POTUS. Perhaps he'll still find time to post on Wonkette.

  • fartknocker

    Rick Perry's plan is called "10-10-10." It works out like this:

    Everybody but Rick and Anita shall follow the 10 Commandments;
    $0.10 of very tax dollar goes into the Rick Perry Special Enterprise Fund for his pet projects; and,
    Rick will execute 10 prisoners every month he's President

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Rick will execute 10 prisoners every month ten days he's President.

      Fixed, to remain with the whole "base 10" premise.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    9-9-9 will save us from the Lizard People!!!1!

    • MaxNeanderthal

      By an amazing co-incidence 999 is the British equivalent of dialing 911- synchronicity? You be the judge……….

  • The cake is a lie.

    • SorosBot

      No, it's real, but sadly someone left the cake out in the rain.

      • UW8316154

        I don't think that I can take it.

    • Tommmcattt

      You do what you must, because you can.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This shouldn't come as a surprise — the Republicans in the House just passed an anti-abortion law that was based on what you can do to the hookers in Grand Theft Auto.

    • paris biltong

      The immigation policy also comes from GTA.

  • Come here a minute

    Sim City — is that something like Larry the Lounge Lizard?

  • powersuit

    Agricultural policy by Farmville.

  • edgydrifter

    Herman Cain has heard of "game theory," but he doesn't know what it means.

    • But it appears he has mastered gaming.

  • If Cain Presidency occurs, just hit CTR+ALT+DEL

  • hagajim

    I got a much better idea for Herman…add a fourth and fifth bracket…39% for those making over $250K a year ($150 individual), and 50% on those making over $1 million….oh, and raise the cap on SS and Medicare to $250K….hows that fuckwad….and no more loss carryforward shit for megacorps like GE. Instead give them breaks for jobs in America and R&D and such stuff.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I got another idea. Thanks to "Citizens United", corporations are now people. How 'bout we give the boards of directors some body armor, some carbines, and send 'em off to Afghanistan? Tomorrow!

    • LesBontemps

      Nah, too policy wonk.

  • Fuck Sim City. It's a fucking CITY.

    If you're going to rule a nation then the video game you should base it on is CIV4. It doesn't take much to realize that Hermie's dumbass 9-9-9 plan would cripple an empire.

    • Bots Meat Commission


      • Generation[redacted]

        Dammit. All my troops are stuck in Madagascar.

    • SorosBot

      Why not the original Civ? That way, if we're lucky, a lone spear-man may be able to successfully defend a city from a tank.

  • jrients

    Any other old school wrestling fans around here? Remember Jim Herd, the empty suit who did his damnedest to destroy World Championship Wrestling via his own stupidity? The man had ideas too stupid for wrestling fans to buy into, for crying out loud. He ran the company into the ground and drove Ric Flair, one of the best if not the best villains in the field, right into the arms of the competition.

    Herd's previous gig? Pizza Hut executive.

    • Indiepalin

      That Ric Flair was a world-class athlete.

  • baconzgood

    "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start"

    -Herman Cain on tort reform-

    • Generation[redacted]

      Just hold down the CTRL key and type "FUND"

    • calibrit

      He's a B, A, Start? Folks, you heard it here first!

  • MissTaken

    And to think all that time I thought was wasted when my ex would spend hours playing video games instead of working a job or having sex with me he was actually formulating a presidential campaign strategy. Now I feel bad for dumping his ass.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Instead of working or —what? *throws game console out window*

    • SorosBot

      Video games over sex? That's some slightly misplaced priorities there.

    • Come here a minute

      You were married to Herman Cain?

    • Guppy06

      "playing video games instead of working a job or having sex with me"

      I can understand one but not the other.

      Perhaps the video games themselves involved sex?

    • Fare la Volpe

      My ex and I used to have sex while playing video games.

      And people wonder why I'll never forget him…

  • hagajim

    Oh and a last suggestion – if you are a true Trustafarian and are not adding any value to the world, tax them at 90% and waive it all if they spend a 1,000 hours a year volunteering somewhere.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Now if 6 turned out to be 9, I don't mind.

    • LesBontemps

      You'd let your freak flag fly?

  • SIMple Simon met a pie man
    Going to the fair;
    Said SIMple Simon to the pie man
    “Steal this idea if you dare!”

    Well I guess now we know how that story ends.

  • x111e7thst

    I always felt there was something amiss in Duke Nukem. Now I know what. Excessively elaborate tax structure.

  • Stealing a plan from a video game is still better than getting them from the zombie Reagan butthole where most Republican economic policies originate.

    • Ducksworthy

      Imaginary zombie Reagan butthole. Even Reagan was not this stupid, well OK maybe after the drooling became uncontrollable.

  • RadioOcupados

    I hear the pizza in Sim City sucks too.

  • Nostrildamus

    All the GOP candidates are Pokemon characters.

  • Indiepalin

    Can't wait for Cain's National Transportation initiative, based on Grand Theft Auto IV

    • Fare la Volpe

      A chicken in every pot, and a hooker corpse in every garage!

      • horsedreamer_1

        C Street House is truly ahead of the curve.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I read somewhere that he was going to get his foreign policy info from Civ IV, military guidance from Call of Duty, musical chops from Guitar Hero, and sweet lovin' skills from Leisure Suit Larry.

  • LettucePrey
  • Right now, most people are on the 7-11-40 plan.

  • kissawookiee

    I hope President Cain runs the Pentagon on the tried-and-true Atari Combat model. One joystick and one button and instructions printed on the back of the cartridge, thank you very much, not this up-down-down-left-right-stan-stan-stan malarkey and an instruction book the size of an average piece of legislation, from back when bills were allowed to be more than three pages. Also, tanks with ricocheting bullets.

    • BlueStateLibel

      You bring back fond memories, friend.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Tank Pong is still a lot of fun.

  • user-of-owls

    Before you start busting Herman's balls, remember: The Founding Fathers swiped all the ideas for the Constitution from cribbage.

    • kissawookiee

      I wondered where that pegged-up-the-ass sensation was coming from. And don't get me started about the double runs.

    • Limeylizzie

      My favourite game, my Auntie taught my brother and when we were kids and we used to snigger over the "And one for his knob" thing that you do with the Jacks, maybe that is only in the UK.

      • user-of-owls

        Is it wrong to say that I dream about your nibs?

        • Limeylizzie

          You are such a hoot, Owls.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I wonder if Cain loved SimCity as much as I did. Man, I would play that game for hours. I bet Cain's city would be a version of Magnasanti.

  • chascates

    The Daily Caller drinks the kool-aid:
    If implemented, the 9-9-9 plan would broaden the tax base. We would truly return to the principle of everyone paying his or her fair share, with no more free-riders. Everyone would have skin in the game.
    Some of us have already lost our skin and can't pay anything, asshole.

    • Ducksworthy

      On behalf of all of us who have been rendered skinless by our reptilian version of capitalism, I thank you.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Right, because that's the problem plaguing our tax code – all those wretched poors who don't even have enough money for food let alone taxes.

      • carlgt1

        but the plan seems to be the poors have a TV set and a car, so we need to tax that away from 'em….

  • Herman Cain is actually required by Repubican Party rules to use video games for his policy decisions.

    I recently learned something quite interesting about video games. Many young people have developed incredible hand, eye, and brain coordination in playing these games. The air force believes these kids will be our outstanding pilots should they fly our jets.

    — Ronald Reagan

    So it is written, so it is done.

  • FNMA

    Sure, laugh now, but when the giant lizards attack…
    Well, yeah, we'll pretty much be fucked, but still.

  • prommie

    I propose the 4:20 plan for america.

    • edconley7

      YES! LOL!!!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Like you actually expected someone whose ambition was to run a chain of pizza places to have an original idea?

  • Ramon X

    Some years ago my daughter and a girlfriend learned the Sim version of On Top of Old Smokey which they then proceeded to perform at the local church basement open mic night. But nobody's eyebrow fell off, also.

  • SorosBot

    I bet Herman thinks real plumbers spend most of their time eating mushrooms and jumping on turtles too.

    • nounverb911

      That's "Joe the Unlicensed Plumbers" platform.

  • Generation[redacted]

    I don't know policy, but someone needs to quit hitting the tornado and hurricane button. It's seriously annoying.

  • coolhandnuke

    If you play Herman Cain's 9-9-9 tax structure speech backwards, it plainly states "Ron Paul is dead…Ron Paul is dead."


    Did anyone else use to play 'SimHealth' back in the day? Easily the most complex, most difficult, and least accessible game ever produced by Maxis. Basically allowed you to control the US healthcare system: coverage, payment structures, allocations, etc. I wonder if Cain ever played that too? If he managed to win it I would be super-impressed.

  • Chichikovovich

    So I guess Cain's job creation plan is to remove all the burdensome regulations hindering the work of Umbrella Corporation.

  • Mahousu

    Cain has graduated to SimAnt. Next week, he'll give a major policy speech about how we "need to get the spider before it can get us."

  • Guppy06

    Yes, let's make the real world more like the simulation, instead of the other way around!

  • Corrugated Palin

    I can only assume that Herman Cain's plan for disaster preparedness is "try not hitting the fucking button for once".

  • littlebigdaddy

    Rick Perry is getting ready to come out with his own Donkey Kong themed proposal.

  • Laugh now, but history will record September 9th, 2009 as the momentous day Herman Cain formulated his 999 plan.

  • Cain's City name in SimCity was prolly Herb-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.

    I can't understand for the life of me, why the media keeps pushing this hack as a viable candidate…

    • because they want Romney. They've been trying to find candidates that would make him look good – Bachmann, Hucklepuckle, Trump, Palin, Christie, Bachmann, Perry, Paul and Cain, but nothing seems to work.

  • Danzig!

    If he cuts back on Traffic Authority funding, he WILL regret it.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Foreign policy will be based on the board game Risk

  • MistaEko

    Well, he's going to have a big disappointment when the budget crises isn't solved by typing "F-U-N-D" several times, earthquakes be damned.

    What's worse is his "up up down down left right left right" Afghanistan strategy.

    /Hi Kotaku, how are you?.

  • Tundra Grifter

    That explains his signature fragrance – Love Potion # 9-9-9.

  • awwalk56

    His stole his plans for Social Security and Medicare from Grand Theft Auto.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Billy Mitchell / Steve Wiebe 2012!

  • HogeyeGrex

    999 – The Number Of The Douche.

  • DeathofKoalas

    Herman Cain on inauguration day:

    Can we turn natural disasters off?

  • DeathofKoalas

    And I so called is on a Political Animal thread last week.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Former Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Herman "Herb" Cain
    remember the Rick Perry plunge, watch the Hermanator crash

    Cain Train is off the rails already

  • rocktonsam

    Raygun warned us about the intellectual elite.

    The chickens have come home to roost.

  • owhatever

    Follow-up part of his plan is to buy all four railroads and put a hotel on Atlantic Avenue.

  • datateday

    Incorrect, HuffPo. It took Herman Cain alot of cheese and sauce to come up with that tax plan. You have no right to compare it to this giant lizard video game.

  • awwalk56

    Maybe cain is delusional, well, he is delusional but I mean multidimensional delusional. And maybe in one of those dimensions he morphs in and out of he's running for president of SimCity and get's confused when he's back in this dimension? Hence; jive talkin' and crazy shit, like "999 be bode"! Black walunt be bode! cain 2012! Hey, it might work in another dimension.

  • Weenus299

    Well he's secured the Sim vote.

  • Schmegeg

    Well, it is better than the Reagan years, when all policy was based on episodes of Gunsmoke.

  • This is just evidence of Truck Stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain "Heritage" issue.

    He has also stolen from me the proposal to build an electric border fence.

    I have long advocated not only that we build such a fence, but that the fence be visible from Outer Space, at Night Time.

  • Catpause

    Take this, brother. May it serve you well.

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