vanity candidates

Fashion Update: Ron Paul Possibly Wearing Eyebrow Wigs

At least he doesn't go around getting mani-pedis all the time, like Newt Gingrich.WHA?? So according to this weird image, it turns out that Dr. Ron Paul is either an alien cyborg whose face began partially melting off under the hot stage lights of the last GOP debate, OR, possibly, he was caught strangely using eyebrow toupees to beef up the facial hair testosterone quotient of his libertarian sex god persona. No pencil thin lady brows here, nosiree! To be fair, these are just some eyebrows we are talking about, whereas Mitt Romney is actually a known entirely fake human.

At any rate, the NYT Fashion & Style section is ON THE CASE:

Seen on television, Mr. Paul appeared to have a second, thinner brow under the one headed south, creating a delicate X over his right eye.

Jesse Benton, a campaign spokesman, insisted that Mr. Paul had been the victim of the elements, namely a heavy pollen season in New Hampshire, and called accusations that he’d been artificially enhancing “stupid” and “insulting.”

“Dr. Paul’s allergies acted up a touch,” Mr. Benton said in an explanation that might raise some, you know, questions.

Best medical explanation from an actual doctor for ” parts of my face started falling off” that we have ever heard! [NYT]

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230 comments

      1. PalinzADummy

        So, y'all are positive this couldn't be, you know, that Ron has those extra-long hairy brow thingies like Leonid Brezhnev or sump'n, and they all just clumped up and got stuck?

        No, huh? OK, then. Just checking.

  1. memzilla

    LEPROSY! RUN!!!

    And be really worried when the whole thing slides south, and you see the titanium exoskeleton and glowing red eyes…

  2. Oblios_Cap

    called accusations that he’d been artificially enhancing “stupid” and “insulting.”

    Much like Ron Paul himself.

    1. memzilla

      Ron Paul has not "…been artificially enhancing 'stupid' and 'insulting.'

      He is genuinely 'stupid' and 'insulting.'

      1. Generation[redacted]

        In this sport, it doesn't matter how naturally stupid and insulting you are, you have to enhance to compete! There's a reason why they call it "doping."

    2. OzoneTom

      In all fairness to Dr. Paul, at least no one is suggesting that it is a hidden receiver to feed him information as was the case of Bush the Lesser's debate hump.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        The team assigned to covertly feed him information went out for drinks. They left the mike on a tape loop while they were away.

    1. justkillmenow

      Is it possible to sneeze so hard an eyebrow falls off? I have sneezed a contact lens out of my eye, but never lost an eyebrow.

        1. justkillmenow

          Please let that happen during the next debate. To one of them, not me. And I don't even care which one.

          1. Rotundo_

            It probably happened to Walnuts last time, but nobody noticed or cared. Unless a load drops on the stage it will be just another Repub debate. Even if it did drop on live television someone would just claim it was notes slipping off the podium or some stupid stuff like that.

        2. elviouslyqueer

          Oh, where is the next debate being held? Because I'm seeing a snowblower full of pollen, dust, ragweed, and assorted dander being dispatched there pronto.

      1. PalinzADummy

        I once sneezed so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eyeball. The ER nurse was very dismissive. "Happens to pregnant women all the time," she said. "You can go home now, it goes away by itself. "

    2. Nostrildamus

      How does one sneeze through an eyebrow?

      God, you're so beaten down by government regulation you don't have any idea what men can accomplish in a truly free society!

    3. PalinzADummy

      How DARE you question the ONLY honest candidate in the Corporatocracy! Ron Paul 2012 FOREVAH! Tears rolling down my cheeks, this 6'6" 350 lb guy is not ashamed to declare The Ron Paul REVOLution!

  3. SorosBot

    As a man who has too pluck my too-bushy eyebrows, I wonder why the fuck anyone lucky enough to have thin eyebrows would want to make them look bigger and uglier.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Did you see the article in Murdock's dishrag about soldiers getting their eyebrows threaded and manscaped?

    2. Barb

      I cut Jeffery's hair every other Monday and I trim his brows with tiny little cuticle scissors. I think that when I grow up I want to be Jeffery.

    3. AJWjr.

      I have it on good authority this is the reason they let Andy Rooney go from 60 Minutes. Had absolutely nothing to do with him being half past dead, or that nobody under 80 watches their show, nope–it was his eyebrows.

    4. Not_So_Much

      This is probably the Libertarian symbiotic organism trying to re-enter whats left of his frontal lobe.

      1. MzNicky

        I tried to "plus" this twice, but unlike Dimmocrat voting machines the Wonkette wouldn't let me. Eh, kids these days!, who never heard of Patty Hearst and all. Anyways, I LOL'd, a lot.

    5. Limeylizzie

      Hey SorosBot, try threading, it is amazing, if there are any Indians, Arabs, Pakistanis , Armenians or Persians in your 'hood you will be able to do it.

      1. WunkRocker

        I have a good source (a.k.a I made this up) that swears he paid for his brow merkins with socialist medicare.

  4. weejee

    “Dr. Paul’s allergies acted up a touch,” Mr. Benton said in an explanation that might raise some, you know, questions.

    Dr. Paul must think we are all suffering from hayseed fever.

    BTW Wonkette's own Limeylizzie scoped that out during our real time debate blog.

    1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Indeed she did, indefatigable and scrupulous adjudicator of tonsorial authenticity that she is.

          1. prommie

            I have multiple excuses for short-term memory weakness, myself. Wait, what was I talking about? Mmmmmm, boobs!

          2. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

            That's what I remembered! Or didn't remember! Why can't MSM get the story right? They always miss the important issues. Or does this mean that Miche1e is now more marginal than Obstetro-Congressman Paul?

  5. ttommyunger

    Silly Wonkette; that is just the latest fashion trend: migrating mustaches. Move along, nothing to see here.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      You know western civilisation is in the shitter when it's leaders(?) feel the need to wear false fuckin' eyebrows!! What in the name of the bloated bowels of Beelzebub is going on…
      And don't tell me it worked for Leonid Brezhnev- he was clinically dead for the last half of his life anyway, and "everyone" knows hair keeps growing on a corpse.

    1. hagajim

      Apparently he was allergic to the glue that would actually hold the thing in place so they just threw some Elmers on there.

    2. Maman

      The spokesperson was following the John T. Buse law of answers: A fast answer is better than a correct one. The speed gives a sense of confidence.

  6. Oblios_Cap

    Seen on television, Mr. Paul appeared to have a second, thinner brow under the one headed south, creating a delicate X over his right eye.

    Obviously pandering to the Manson Family Values Voters.

        1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

          The Berlin Wall and the Iron Curtain could not come down until this mighty hedge was uprooted.

      1. Rotundo_

        Well, your automatics usually smell like Type F or Dexron, or sometimes like Mercon automatic transmission fluid. Your manual boxes smell like 20W-80 gear lube and get pretty ripe. Oh, we aren't talking about car parts here are we? My bad, I guess they probably smell a whole lot nicer than a manual transmission taken apart does, probably better than an automatic too, especially one that has had the clutches burned out on it.

    1. Cicada

      I'm guessing drag queen too. Nothing gives away your weekends spent as Tequila Mockingbird like a pencil thin brow.

  7. proudgrampa

    Speaking of creepy eyes, if my "Soulmate" looked like the bigeyed freak to the right, I would know that I had died and gone to hell.

  8. hebmskebm

    Of course, the lamesteam media would rather talk about this than discuss Ron Paul's political positions.

    Which is as it should be, because Ron Paul's political positions are staggeringly fucktarded.

  9. JustPixelz

    Toupees? He don't need no stinking toupees. Not when he can join Eyebrow Club for Men™ and have eyebrows that stand up to wind, swimming and a lady's touch.

    "I tried everything else. But Eyebrow Club for Men™ really works!"
    –RP, Texas

    Call today. You'll be glad you did.

    1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Or Rogaine®©™. It stimulates eyebrow growth on 85 percent of "guys." The others go blind when it drips into their eye sockets, but all meds have side effects.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      For me it's a migratory thing. Some days I wake up and my moustache is under my left nipple and my beard has moved to my elbow.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Nothing to see here — Dr. Representative Ron Paul is just letting potential candidates for his eyebrow duke it out in the free market. It's a principle he's upheld ever since he consumed his identical twin in the womb.

  11. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I also have problems with my eyebrows falling during high pollen count days!
    To help, I recommend the 24 hr allergy relief of Allegra!

  12. jus_wonderin

    This reminds me of the time I had a rogue white eyebrow. It stood out like a freakin' unicorn horn. My task, that morning, was to pluck it. But, having progressive lens I couldn't quite focus on that varmit well enough to grapple it with the tweezers. It probably too 20 minutes to find the correct angle of the head and the right section of my glasses to peer though.

    I finally got it though. It must have been an inch and a half long.

    Aging is not pretty. Especially when aging means things you want to sprout don't. Things you don't; do.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I have a hair on my chin that is jet black, stiff as a paint brush and about 3 inches long, I am always after it with the tweezers.

      1. prommie

        I hate when I get those long antennae sprouting out of my eyebrows. And do they just "sproing" out in the night, growing an inch in one swoop? Or is this an eyesight problem?

    2. Rotundo_

      Ah the universal rule of aging, everything gets heavier, hairier and lower to the ground. Growing old sucks, but not as much as the alternative.

    1. Nostrildamus

      Other folks have described the native HTML method for linking, but some sites (e.g. Wikipedia) have shorthand for creating links using square brackets or some such. Is there are such shorthand for links here on ButtsecksForum Wonkette?

      Thanks, also.

  13. Tundra Grifter

    The Eyebrow Hall of Fame:

    John L. Lewis (labor organizer – look him up)

    Andy Rooney

    Brook Shields

    1. prommie

      Brook used to look like she had a pair of shoe polish brushes stuck on her forehead. You know what that means, don't you?

        1. prommie

          Close; if you put your shoes on your belly she could blow you and polish your shoes at the same time.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Great call! How could I forget him?

        His daughter was briefly in my grade school. She drew a picture of a four-legged chicken.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Bill Jauss.
      His one eyebrow was so long, he used it as part of the comb over to cover his bald pate.

  14. Indiepalin

    If Paul is caught eyebrow juicing, then he needs to suspended indefinitely and disqualified from the Hall of Fame.

  15. SheriffRoscoe

    "We should be like 1900," Paul said. "We put up with things all the time. Having our debates broadcast over the radio because teevees weren't invented yet, why, we wouldn't be talking about wearing rugs over our eyebrows at all."

  16. fartknocker

    I'll put up with this fugly eyebrows so long as he doesn't start wearing those God awful khaki shorts his son Rand wears. My dining room table legs look better than Rand's legs.

  17. elviouslyqueer

    “Those glues are almost indestructible,” Ms. De Haydu said. “So whoever put it on for him did not put it on correctly.”

    The same could be said for whoever was assigned to attach Ron's balls.

  18. James Michael Curley

    Allergy season has been hell in the North East this year. I sneezed the other day and blew all the air supporting my skeletal frame out the other end of my body.

  19. SheriffRoscoe

    This same exact thing happened on I Love Lucy. Lucy wanted to be on Ricky's show and he wuddan leh her, so she masqueraded as a man and did well until the hot lights began to melt her disguise, resulting in comedy. Ron Paul is old enough to have seen that episode.

    1. RadioOcupados

      Oh, oh, I know this one….the greatest monster of all time probably, Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

  20. chascates

    Everything is disintegrating! Pat Buchanan's new book tells all! http://www.drudgereport.com/flashpb.htm
    SUICIDE OF A SUPERPOWER
    "Will America Survive to 2025?"

    Chapter 1: The Passing of a Superpower
    Chapter 2. The End of Christian America
    Chapter 3. The Crisis of Catholicism
    Chapter 4. The End of White America
    Chapter 5. Demographic Winter

    And on and on. Game over people!

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Pat Buchanan is a disgusting, Nazi sack of shit.

      I could use his chapter titles to write a book declaring that white people are America's biggest problem, also.

  21. LiveToServeYa

    Alien, yes. Cyborg, not so much. Unless he is a drastically malfunctioning cyborg. In other words, a cyborg using a Windows operating system.

    1. prommie

      That strange character that was part of Jim Garrison's kennedy conspiracy theory? The one with the obvious orange wig and painted on eyebrows?

    2. Generation[redacted]

      Inspector Clouseau?

      "My face! You've stolen my face! Give me back my face, you fiend! "

  22. HobbesEvilTwin

    This is the most important presidential campaign news since Gennifer Flowers!!eleven!!1</bold>[text]<exclamation>!!!

    1. prommie

      Boinking Gennifer Flowers = proof you are a normal, healthy male with appropriate desires. Wearing fake eyebrows = proof you are batshit insane crackpot.

  23. Extemporanus

    "We should have a system of economics that is structure, that is organic tools. We do not have it. We are all hanging by our eyebrows from skyhooks economically, just as we are architecturally."

    - Frank Lloyd Wright (really!)

  24. Papa_Uniform

    Cut Ron a little slack. He's just trying to look like what he thinks we think he should look like. And, God bless him, he does.

  25. prommie

    You know who ELSE brings up Clinton's mistresses whenever their candidate's batshit craziness is brought up?

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      That old friend from high school who found you on facebook and seems to have gone off the deep end during the intervening years?

  26. DemonicRage

    The economy is in the tank. The Euro may crash and send Markets tumbling further South, and all we can focus on is whether one of the Republican candidates tried to hide the fact that he has thinning eyebrows. Remember those photos of Mao swimming that turned out to be photoshopped? The Chinese would never have permitted an Imperial Lord to be embarrassed the way that our free press has caused Grandad Ron Paul to have been.

  27. chascates

    I read that his son is now replacing Joe Lieberman in the McCain-Graham-Xxxxxx triumvirate (Jobs Through Growth Act). With Joe shuffling off in the sunset the group needs another to thwart the Senate and democracy in general.

  28. Goonemeritus

    There are very few senior men that need to augment their eyebrows. The opposite is certainly true for me (without weekly thinning I look like Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev). The only exception I have found is a dude that had a serious mishap while free-basing in the 90's.

  29. Poindexter718

    It's well known that Dr. Paul acquired Friedrich Hayek's eyebrows from a mutual acquaintance (a Viennese prostitute) and dons them for special occassions.

  30. Antispandex

    Allergies? The American people expect their President to be able to lie much better than that, Mr Paul.

  31. weejee

    OT

    Over at the Saloon, they have a nice bit on the CIA's keeping the FBI out of the loop on two fine Saudi lads who would help fly an aeroplane into the Pentagon. They close with a reminder that Mittens' chief adviser on counter-terrorism is the psychodouche Cofer Black, who was the supervisor at the CIA of the folks who worked so hard to keep future 9/11 airplane hijackers Khalid al-Mihdhar and Nawaf al-Hazmi from getting scooped-up by the FBI.

  32. MissTaken

    If you're gonna take the time to pick out some fake eyebrows and then glue them on to your face why not pick some that at least match the hair on top of your head?

  33. PalinzADummy

    I didn't even know you could *get* eyebrow wigs. Say … anyone up for depantsing Ron Paul in front of the debate cameras? Anybody?

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