Early Primary States Just Cold Screaming At Each Other All Day Long

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Nothing more American than a nugget brawl.The latest from the Republican primary calendar war of attrition (started by who else, Florida) stars New Hampshire and Nevada in one of those screamy all-American knife fights that break out at the local McAnusChain after the cashier nervously announces they’re running out of chicken nuggets, except here the nuggets are just the “number of days in January,” and New Hampshire Secretary of State Bill Gardner promises to set fire to the building if Nevada won’t let New Hampshire have the first turn licking the burnt nugget remainders off the wall of the fryolator.

Nevada announced last week that it would hold its caucuses January 14, to beat Florida’s new date of January 31 (again, thank you, Florida). New Hampshire state law requires that their primary happen at least seven days before “any similar election,” so Gardner’s proposed date of January 10 would be too late and New Hampshire is threatening to hold its primary in December. Let the ALL CAPS YELLING FLY!

Here is Bill Gardner screaming in a public statement entitled “Why New Hampshire’s primary tradition means Nevada is a syphilitic hobo”:

IT’S REALLY UP TO NEVADA.  If Nevada does not accept a date of Tuesday, January 17th or later for its caucus, it leaves New Hampshire  no choice but to consider December of this year.  The dates of Tuesday, December 13th, and Tuesday, December 6th are realistic options, and we have logistics in place to make either date happen if needed.

What does Nevada think of this threat?

Gardner didn’t make that point directly to Nevada GOP Chairwoman Amy Tarkanian, who learned of the statement from POLITICO.

She replied, via text message: “WHAT??!!!”

Haha, not everyone was caught by surprise. Here is Nevada just cold giving New Hampshire the middle finger signal to begin fighting, via the Las Vegas Sun:

Nevada GOP national committeeman and former Gov. Bob List says no way. “We tried to communicate with New Hampshire to coordinate our dates…he was the one who insisted we proceed to pick our date ahead of them,” List said, calling Gardner’s letter “a little weird.”

“I don’t envy his problem, but it’s certainly not our problem,” List continued.

So it all boils down to, “I hope your knife is sharp, New Hampshire, that fryolator grease is mine.” [POLITICO/Las Vegas Sun]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 218 comments }

DashboardBuddha October 13, 2011 at 10:41 am

mmmmm, rethugs feeding on the rotted flesh of each other.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 13, 2011 at 10:50 am

Technically speaking, Bill Gardner is a 'non-partisan' state official, and the goobernor of N.H. is Democrat John Lynch.

But generally, just what you said, times eleventy!
~

DashboardBuddha October 13, 2011 at 11:03 am

My bad…still rattled from the Texas trip. I need to pace myself…there will be plenty more opportunities to see repubs tearing huge gobbets of flesh out of each others hides.

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I'll just be happy when some states get their primaries happening before those idiotic midwest state fair straw polls where it's always Ron Paul and some talk-radio shouter in the top ranks.

It will be a fine day indeed when FL, NV and NH all show up at the national convention with their delegates committed to a candidate that is not only no longer in contention, but may not even be alive anymore.

archikvetch October 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

I still say the primaries should start with Georgia and Belarus

SudsMcKenzie October 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

Live Free or Cut a Sandoval!11

prommie October 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

Nevada's a badass, Nevada just don't give a shit!

DaSandman October 13, 2011 at 11:19 am

Nevada don't care, Nevada go back to prison you fuck with me.

prommie October 13, 2011 at 11:23 am

But there is a Cathouse in the State! Cathouse in the State, Cathouse go "Mreowr," we don't need no cathouse, we need a dawg-house!

LesBontemps October 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Apparently, however, it's now "the honey-badger state."

Come here a minute October 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

I'm looking forward to the taste of Nevada McNuggets, after New Hampshire throws them into the fryolator.

Fryolator. Sure is fun to use that word. Fryolator. See you later, fryolator. &c.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

Such a ruckus to decide which corporate tool will be selling us out to the banks for another four years.
~

Eve8Apples October 13, 2011 at 10:56 am

Imagine the fighting if the GOP actually had a field of intelligent, capable candidates.

I wouldn't stop to piss on the current bunch of candidates if they were on fire.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Yeah, but what if they were NOT on fire?

OccupyFnChicken October 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

waste of perfectly good pee.

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Especially when you know fully half them would be secretly enjoying it.

NellCote71 October 13, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Gee, five replies later and no one has said Santorum? So, there, I did your work for you. Again.

DaSandman October 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

LOL The Transfat Primaries

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm

You'll get my deep fat fried butter stick when you pry it from cold, dead, greasy fingers.

SayItWithWookies October 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

This is why we need strong states' rights and a minimalist federal government — so we can fight amongst ourselves over the same petty shit election cycle after election cycle. Just imagine Rick Perry's alternative to Social Security being managed by these good-hearted, long-term-thinking kinda folks.

Chillwaver October 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

"We tried to communicate with New Hampshire to coordinate our dates…he was the one who insisted we proceed to pick our date ahead of them."

Are they talking about Primaries or Proms?

SayItWithWookies October 13, 2011 at 11:03 am

All I can say is if Florida picked a luau theme this year, New Hampshire's gonna hafta cut a bitch.

Rosie_Scenario October 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

Nobody wants to go with Mittens even though he looks great in a tux.

chicken_thief October 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

Except for the lumpy magic underwear lines…

OneDollarJuana October 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

These are the "primaries". That's why they're acting like little children.

weejee October 13, 2011 at 10:46 am

Mmmm. What about next Tuesday?

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Don't give them any ideas. Or the next primary season will start the week after the Nov. 2012 election.

LesBontemps October 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

If it will stop the endless series of GOP candidates debates, I'm all for it.

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Nope, Tuesday's packed. Oh, wait. I've got this hair appointment at 3:30 I can reschedule easy enough. Howabout Tuesday 3:30-4:15 then?

snackypants October 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

YOU CAN ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT BY YELLING IN ALLCAPS.

UnholyMoses October 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT!!!

But if you try lower case, you just might find, you get what you need.

baconzgood October 13, 2011 at 11:10 am

But if they are all red caps…..WOAH!

Eve8Apples October 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

What's the point in having well-armed state militias if the states don't use them against each other.

SorosBot October 13, 2011 at 10:48 am

I've said it before, every four years: fuck Iowa and New Hampshire.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

Well Iowa gave us Hopey. But they also gave us Lurch. So it's kind of a wash.

weejee October 13, 2011 at 11:12 am

The one up with having a couple of small states first is spelled Ameros. The masticated marketing costs in a state like Florida are, as they say on the sports teevee, HUGE. So having a couple of teh little states first supposedly gives the un-preanointed little guys a swing a the primary piñata and leverage that to run in the big states. Clearly, this a socialist thinking and contrary to the 'Murican way.

SorosBot October 13, 2011 at 11:15 am

If they want to start with a small state, couldn't they at least pick one with an actual city and non-white people? Try Rhode Island, or Delaware.

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

We have non-white people in Iowa. The Mexicans work in the meat packing plants. And the blacks are the ones that caucused for Obama.
The rest of us sit around and count the sweet, sweet corn subsidies caysh.

zhubajie October 13, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Don't forget the Sioux arond Sioux City!

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

"couldn't they at least pick one with an actual city and non-white people?"

Ummm… you do realize this is the GOP primary we're talking about?

SorosBot October 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Yeah, but the same applies to the Democratic primaries.

Terry October 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

It could be worse. The first primary states could be Florida, Ohio, and Texas. Just imagine THAT horror.

weejee October 13, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Well then, how's 'bout skipping the flyovers and have Taxachucetts and the Soviet of Washington go first? We could move the primary forward a day and call it Blue Monday.

BaldarTFlagass October 13, 2011 at 10:48 am

Stupid fuckers are stupid.

SexySmurf October 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

She replied, via text message: “WHAT??!!!”

To which, New Hampshire replied, "Chicken butt." Nevada wrote back, "Your mother!" This prompted New Hampshire to tell Maryland that Nevada has herpes.

baconzgood October 13, 2011 at 11:16 am

Then Iowa held it's breath….

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Good thing they weren't playing X-Box Halo online. Someone could have been called a fag.

emmelemm October 13, 2011 at 1:53 pm

That made me laugh really, REALLY hard.

NorbertsRevenge October 13, 2011 at 10:50 am

I just started a band called Syphilitic Hobo, within the last 30 seconds. I'm still looking for a drummer. If we make it big, I promise to send KBJ some merch or something.

OneDollarJuana October 13, 2011 at 10:56 am

You should rename your band to "Gonorrheac Hobo". Just heard yesterday that some forms of gonorrhea are incurable, so you'll be around forever with the new name! (of course, as long as you aren't on the same bill as "The Cure")

poncho_pilot October 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

but that Locomotor Ataxia dance is really hot right now!

prommie October 13, 2011 at 11:24 am

You can all Jitterbug on stage, for authenticity!

DashboardBuddha October 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

I could start a sister band called Sympathetic Homo…except I'm not gay and I lack sympathy.

PalinzADummy October 13, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I could be the Homo. I am very sympathetic. Also, I play drums.

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 10:50 am

Sorry, New Hampshire, we're just not that into you. Perhaps we should date other states.
And, may I say, I detest our caucus more than the heat of a thousand sunlamps.

BaldarTFlagass October 13, 2011 at 10:50 am

The New Hampshirians just haven't got their mojo working anymore ever since the Old Man of the Mountain collapsed.

"Live Free or… uhh… Live Free or Duh!"

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

Somebody was watching Rachel last night.

BaldarTFlagass October 13, 2011 at 11:18 am

Actually, no. Rangers/Tigers, Cards/Brewers. I get enough politics here at Wonkette during the day, I take the nights off!

Oblios_Cap October 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

I hope those fucking Rangers lose. I don't want to see Bush's asinine face on the TV during the Series.

BaldarTFlagass October 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

Being a San Antonian, I hate all teams that make their home in the DFW Scroto-plex.

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Hate to say it, but I think we are going to have to endure that smirking asshole and his wife, The Joker, through the World Series.

PalinzADummy October 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Slacker.

Texan_Bulldog October 13, 2011 at 10:50 am

They just need to put Romney, Perry, Cain & Bachmann in a tub of jello. Last one standing wins. (Would be a lot more entertaining and cheaper…)

poncho_pilot October 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

or a tub of water and an appliance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD1ybsvhtng

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

The thought of all of them suffocating/drowning at the same time… I started getting wood.

PalinzADummy October 13, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I love you, and that's Godz own troof, but I do NOT want to see any of those flabby Oldz in a jello tub. Can't we just put Barb and Limeylizzie in there instead?

Indiepalin October 13, 2011 at 10:52 am

Right now, the New Hampshire primary is scheduled to begin around lunchtime today. Hopefully, Wonkette will provide their signature liveblog so we can all make serious, insightful comments.

PalinzADummy October 13, 2011 at 4:10 pm

"[...] so we can all make serious, insightful comments."

Wrong site.

Salacious Crumb October 13, 2011 at 10:53 am

I now have a law that requires me to be in the front of the line at the movie theater. Everywhere. Forever. Also, too, so often.

Not_So_Much October 13, 2011 at 11:01 am

Better expand that to Disneyland asap. Cuz that magical kingdom of eternal lines sucks otherwise…

Salacious Crumb October 13, 2011 at 11:20 am

My new Di$neyland law requires me to ride the largest Hutt-like hoverround pilot about the park like my beloved Jabba.

philpjfry October 13, 2011 at 10:56 am

First of all, what the hell kind of law says our primary has to be first? Who gives a fuck? I swear these people would race to the appocolypse if they thought there would be free pretzels.

SayItWithWookies October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

Wait — the crunchy kind or the soft kind?

chicken_thief October 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I be lovin the butter, sugar and cinnamon ones. Lots of butter. And sugar. For my freedumz to be fat. And first in line, cause of my fat related disabilities.

Rosie_Scenario October 13, 2011 at 11:34 am

First one there to meet Jeebus.

YouBetcha October 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I could go for a pretzel right now.

GunToting[Redacted] October 13, 2011 at 1:25 pm

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Brown or yellow mustard?

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 3:15 am

Ah, yes. The pretzel, Dubya's mortal enemy. More dangerous than the Taliban and the Iraqi insurgency, combined.

Canmon October 13, 2011 at 10:57 am

Florida and Nevada have brown people. They can have their say, but only after the white people in New Hampshire and Iowa. It's tradition, and tradition is always right.

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 11:48 am

Mostly turned to a golden brown by the sun, but yeah.

gurukalehuru October 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Nevada has brown people?

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Who do you think cleans hotel rooms?

PalinzADummy October 13, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Oh, is that what Karl Rove meant when he said he didn't want *his* kid to be taking "those" kinda jobs?

Hard to believe, but Karl Rove apparently has a kid.

chicken_thief October 13, 2011 at 12:44 pm

But they could be Asian. Hard to fucking tell, amirite, Sharon?

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 3:18 am

Nevada is 20%+ hispanic.

sundaytrucker October 13, 2011 at 3:50 pm

It's the Republican primaries, brown people aren't allowed to vote in them silly.

baconzgood October 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

I PROPOSE THAT PA HAS IT'S PRIMARY FOR THIS ELECTION DEC. 5 1865 SO FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!

Limeylizzie October 13, 2011 at 10:59 am

Mine, mine, mine.

prommie October 13, 2011 at 11:26 am

Stop touching me!

ShaveTheWhales October 13, 2011 at 1:08 pm

So, Herb Cain has a speech impediment? Who knew?

PalinzADummy October 13, 2011 at 4:12 pm

I, me, me, mine.

UnholyMoses October 13, 2011 at 10:59 am

So … GOP leaders in NH and NV are selfish dickbags who care less about tradition and what's best for the most than they do about ensuring it's all about MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!, as if they're a collection of Aspie kids who have had too much caffeine.

I'm trying to figure out how this is any different than anything else they do.

And grabbing some popcorn, 'cause it's TEH AWESOME watching the GOP implode like this.

Also, too: You shoulda made it mandatory that everyone type IN ALL CAPS IN THIS THREAD. IT'D BE A LIKE MYSPACE PAGE WITHOUT THE UNDERAGE DOUCHEBAGS AND SHITTY MUSIC. Just a thought …

Not_So_Much October 13, 2011 at 10:59 am

New Hampshire should just tuck a $20 in Nevada's g-string and tell it what it wants. 'Oh yeeeah, move a little to the Right baby….'

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 11:53 am

Fuck, if we moved any further to the right we'd be nudging Colorado.

Lucidamente1 October 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

Amy Tarkanian wouldn't happen to be the spawn of Jerry Tarkanian? Cuz if she is, New Hampshire should be very, very careful about what it does (is it possible to kneecap a whole state?).

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 11:12 am

Daughter-in-law, close enough.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

FIRST!

Annoying isn't it?

JoshuaNorton October 13, 2011 at 11:10 am

Not as annoying as "FRIST!" which was the cliché knee-slapper a few years ago when unfunny people thought they were really being hilarious.

Come here a minute October 13, 2011 at 8:32 pm

FLORIST!

[ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ]

widestanceshakedown October 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

And so began the First Bitches!1!1 War of the States.

GregComlish October 13, 2011 at 11:03 am

jesus, why don't the states just set up with a coordinated primary rotating system like the NFL draft. States can then bargain and trade away their primary dates and let the free market decide who goes first.

Terry October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

They won't do that because an early primary is all that Iowa and New Hampshire can claim as a bragging point. What else do they have? Iowa has that one creative writing program that's supposed to be great, then a whole lot of fine vegetables and grains growing. New Hampshire can brag that they haven't paid taxes in years and take advantage of every opportunity to get their neighbors to pay for their poor citizens' health care.

kissawookiee October 13, 2011 at 11:17 am

Wrestling. Don't forget the wrestling factory that is Iowa State.

SorosBot October 13, 2011 at 11:17 am

Hell, without the all-important early Iowa caucus, we might have a President who didn't pledge to keep America fat and unhealthy with corn syrup via corn subsidies, and we can't have that.

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 1:05 pm

But what will we do without the requisite corndog-slurping photo ops?

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm

To be fair, Iowa is the one place that the candidates can go and be seen meeting with semi-real people without the fear of being asked uncomfortable questions.

GunToting[Redacted] October 13, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I still fondly remember their standardized tests from grade school…

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Hey … can we administer the Iowa Test to the GOP candidates?
For once, we cold actually learn something about them!

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 12:47 pm

why don't the states just set up with a coordinated primary rotating system like the NFL draft.

Lotta work to do that. Of course, it worth the effort in the NFL, where much is at stake.

State primaries? Meh, whatever.

SorosBot October 13, 2011 at 11:04 am

New Hampshire: I'm rubber and Nevada's glue, and everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!

TanzbodenKoenig October 13, 2011 at 11:04 am

And so it begins… The greatest circle-jerk of our time

GregComlish October 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

no. a circle-jerk is a definitively cooperative exercise. This is more of a cluster-fuck.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Sorry, but "knife-fight" really is the working analogy here. It's got everything but the Leonard Bernstein soundtrack.

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Oh, please. These are republicans we're talking about. It's a bukkake fest.

littlebigdaddy October 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

A santorum scrum?

paris biltong October 13, 2011 at 11:04 am

The decline in industrial activity and business in general leaves the states no choice but to rely on party primaries for revenue, unless they can line up several conventions and the Super Bowl.

Mumbletypeg October 13, 2011 at 11:05 am

This has gone beyond posturing. Which is what I initially attributed to this demonstration of musical chairs. Akin to many "FIRST!!1!" conquistadores in line (or those who shuttle kids to & fro, the war cry "Shotgun!" but anyway), these states are trampling what ought to be a routine manner of organization in our linear-oriented time code. Instead of being in the common interest of the greater public served, it becomes not unlike mobilizing a bunch of adolescents to do something selfless for a greater-good-than-themselves — like have them give a toy or winter coat toward some beneficent functionary like Angel Tree — and let's say you extract from them said donations, only to end up witnessing the flurry of scalded egos falling over eachother trying to stick their goddamned angel cutout front-&-center of the tree. The whole purpose of calling to order gets drowned in insipid selfishness.

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I think this comparison is unfair to your adolescents in question.

ManchuCandidate October 13, 2011 at 11:05 am

Hey GOPers, now you know what it's like to be fucked over by Florida.

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Not just the GOPers. I hear Hillary is still pissed about FL & MI ca. 2008.

Terry October 13, 2011 at 11:05 am

Look on the bright side. If a bunch of states move their primaries into a big clump, it will mean that we'll get them all over with more quickly.

hilacious October 13, 2011 at 11:53 am

I hope not. I'm planning a trip to the South in March and I was REALLY hoping to see some Republican infighting up close, maybe even catch a Bachmann rally comedy show. At the very least they'd be distracted and hopefully not flip out on us once they found out we're from Gay Ole Hopey Lovin' California.

SilverTsunami October 13, 2011 at 1:15 pm

And we could give that day a cute name–even a Super-cute name!

EatsBabyDingos October 13, 2011 at 11:05 am

What if two states both had laws that said they each had to go first? Would this be like dividing by zero, or is it more like a Star Trek episode where they cancel each other out in a universe ending mattter/anti-matter collision, never to be heard from again?

I know which one I'm pulling for.

SorosBot October 13, 2011 at 11:11 am

This is one of those issues that we cannot answer just yet, like what occurs inside a black hole's event horizon or the events of the earliest tiniest fractions of a second after the Big Bang, because it requires the synthesis of quantum mechanics and general relativity that physics has not yet discovered.

EatsBabyDingos October 13, 2011 at 11:20 am

You will never be elected as a Republican with that kind of talk. Rick Perry says the Big Bang was when he dropped the soap in the shower at Aggieland.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Scientitsts told us we could never know what happened in the moments before the Big Bang — looks like they were wrong.

Come here a minute October 13, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Jesus Fucking Christ — "In the beginning there was nothing." — what part of "nothing" don't you understand?

metamarcisf October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

The solution is simple. Just have state primaries in alphabetical order. Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas…Wisconsin, Wyoming. There. Done and done. Hey Texas, you don't like it? Change your fucking name.

SayItWithWookies October 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

Great — twelve years from now America will have fifty states named Aaaaaaaa.

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Although I think it would be cool if Texas changed it's name to Aarmadillo.

Wouldn't that be a great bumper sticker? Don't Mess With Aarmadillo

emmelemm October 13, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Washington disagrees.

Oh wait, nobody gives a flying fuck what we think. "Never mind."

bureaucrap October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

I don't know what all these states are complaining about. I already had my own "first-in-the-the-country" primary. All the Republican candidates lost. Hopey won against President Josiah Bartlet, but just by a hair.

seppdecker October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

Just spray some Faygo on the fat fucks and tell them to hug it out.

Oblios_Cap October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

Just get Sharon Angle to visit NH and apply some Second Amendment Remedies. Those hillbillies will get the message and right quick.

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

At our local Fall Festival in rural Nevada a couple of weeks ago, I was just cold chillin' with the Democrats in our booth, when a woman from the GOP booth across the way came over and handed over a stack of voter registration forms because the Democrats had run out. At least on a micro basis we can still get along, but fuck New Hampshire is what I'm trying to say.

SudsMcKenzie October 13, 2011 at 11:59 am

I just assume she was armed. Still, a heartwarming story.

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 12:12 pm

It's Nevada, we were all armed.

NorbertsRevenge October 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Those were the ones printed with the wrong filing deadline.

LiveToServeYa October 13, 2011 at 11:08 am

Wake me when NH nukes NV.

GunToting[Redacted] October 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Chances are there is still enough fissionable material in NV left over from the Trinity tests. NH better watch its ass.

proudgrampa October 13, 2011 at 11:08 am

Since I live in neither NH nor NV, I am past caring.

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 11:26 am

Most of us that do live in one or the other are beyond caring, too.

DaRooster October 13, 2011 at 11:09 am

Topeka!! Have all primaries in Topeka. Maybe all the GOP will "fall down the stairs".

weejee October 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

We should let the great State of Confusion go first.

DaRooster October 13, 2011 at 11:22 am

It is…

hebmskebm October 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Wouldn't that be Florida, what with all the Alzheimer's and such?

baconzgood October 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

Oh come on ass wipes. If you were my kids I'd tell you to settle this with a rock/paper/scissors off or go to your rooms and shut the fuck up! Daddy's trying to watch the hockey game!

DaRooster October 13, 2011 at 11:24 am

Arm rassle!! Nevada would win… pullin' them slots all day would come in good for something.

Salacious Crumb October 13, 2011 at 11:28 am

Go get the big spoon from the kitchen.

mayor_quimby October 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

I hated that fuckin spoon. They are banned in my house, except for the bedroom…

BlueStateLibel October 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

And all of this is for what – so Willard Romeny will evenutally win the primary, only so he can get hammered by Obama in the general election?

fuflans October 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

from your mouth to god's ear.

BornInATrailer October 13, 2011 at 11:14 am

Haha! We're douches!

paris biltong October 13, 2011 at 11:17 am

The Socialists here (in France) are having their nationwide primary these days, with the second round coming up Sunday. The refreshing thing about it is that all candidates agree on what to do (socialism) and it's coming down to a beauty contest between one short guy with warts and one somewhat overweight lady.

proudgrampa October 13, 2011 at 11:20 am

Vive la France!

A national primary is exactly what we Americans need, IMHO.

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 1:22 pm

STATES RIGHTS !!!!9!!11!!!!

proudgrampa October 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Oh, come on, Lascaux. The states abdicated their responsibilities to their citizens long ago…

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 3:23 am

I so miss Segolene, though, I understand the French do not. I don't see how her former boyfriend is more popular than she is.

Limeylizzie October 13, 2011 at 11:19 am

I care more about the crumbs, from some delicious Brent & Sam's Chocolate chip cookies , that have fallen down my bra and into the vast tract that is my cleavage and as I am on a plane I cannot just dive down there and shake them out.

Steverino247 October 13, 2011 at 11:21 am

So, tell us. How do you get Breasts of Mass Distraction on an airplane these days?

Limeylizzie October 13, 2011 at 11:26 am

I get frisked a lot and I am sure that it is not because of my Green Card.

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:29 pm

A victim of racial profiling?

prommie October 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

This sounds like a job for MotorBoat Man!

Lascauxcaveman October 13, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Do I kick my woman out for eating crackers in bed? No I do not. In fact, I even help with the cleanup.

Salacious Crumb October 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

Gives a whole new meaning to the question: "Can I num those for you?"

poncho_pilot October 13, 2011 at 11:44 am

Lizzie, do you ever hang around a gymnasium?

Limeylizzie October 13, 2011 at 11:48 am

In what way, Katie?

poncho_pilot October 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

All of them. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit making Airplane! references.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Today, we are all (OK, most of us) cookie crumbs.

DashboardBuddha October 13, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Thank you Lizzie…this is the comment that brings me home.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Excuse me, but …. are you gonna eat those?

chicken_thief October 13, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Ahhhh, go for it! Give the bored out of their gourds a thrill.

PubOption October 13, 2011 at 11:21 am

Let the process play itself out. After a few more election cycles, the primaries will become so far advanced that some states will be committed to candidates who showed early promise but then faded, (such as Trump and Bachmann this year). It could also be possible that some candidates will not announce until after the first primaries. Once the system falls apart, something more sensible will have to be arranged.

Generation[redacted] October 13, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Once the system falls apart, something more sensible will have to be arranged it will be replaced by something even more ludicrous and incomprehensible.

/fixed

GunToting[Redacted] October 13, 2011 at 1:38 pm

As foretold by Douglas Adams.

JustPixelz October 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

What's the problem? Let's just ask Herman Cain — currently ahead in the polls — when they should have the primary. His answer will probably be September 9th, 2009.

Limeylizzie October 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

OT But I do love the Onion.
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2011/10/12/parody-obam

Amo_of_Bogio October 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Oh if only it were so, if only…

ProudLibunatic October 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

…and the circular firing squad reloads.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Well, some of them do.

musesdarling October 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

Can the primaries just *all* happen on the same goddamn fucking day, please?? Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ…

proudgrampa October 13, 2011 at 11:48 am

I'm sorry, but that is just too logical!

hebmskebm October 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

But wait, that would more than likely lead to a cluster fuck where no candidate has more than like 27% of the delegates and would set off a massive poo-flinging fight on the floor of the GOP Convention on national television—

On second thought, GREAT IDEA!!!

GOPCrusher October 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

If we were lucky, it would last until Xmas.

Generation[redacted] October 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Xmas 2012. The Republican candidate will be announced January 2013.

Allmighty_Manos October 13, 2011 at 11:44 am

I would find this highly problematic if not for the fact that I don't really give a flying fuck about GOP presidential primary dates. They could pick their candidate by throwing darts on the wall and it wouldn't change much.

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I'd prefer they throw the darts at one another. In fact, I think that's an excellent format for their next "debate".

Generation[redacted] October 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Lawn darts.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 9:26 pm

With lasers on them.

SorosBot October 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

Nevada's letting it all ride on an early primary, come on baby, this'll be a winner for sure, then it'll be able to get a new education system and pay all those outstanding bonds, the payoff will be huge if it just wins this one primary fight.

tihond October 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

Under the legendary Supreme Court decision of Plessy vs. Whatever Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas, aren't we legally required to ignore Nevada?

chicken_thief October 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

They should just meet in a bar in TN to hash this out.

Guppy06 October 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Simple solution: Since both parties are now flush with corporate money thanks to Citizens United, they can pay for their own fucking primaries and not involve the state governments at all.

Where's your fiscal responsibility now, bitches?

BarackMyWorld October 13, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I hope Barry's getting some good lulz out of this.

powersuit October 13, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Early December? Early January? Look forward to constant commercials for "Christmas with the Cains"–Herman with a Bible in one hand; Mrs. Cain in her finest Christmas sweater, "wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas". Maybe Herman will put on a Christmas sweater, too. Good times ahead!

AJWjr. October 13, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Wait–doess Gle2n beck's new clothing line have Xmas sweaters, too?

powersuit October 13, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Yes. The applique baby Jesus is holding a copy of Beck's latest book; the elephant looks on adoringly and the donkey is dead.

Redhead October 13, 2011 at 12:37 pm

It's like those videos you see on the news the night after Thanksgiving, of all the fat people elbowing each other, trying to squeeze through the doors at Walmart at 12:01 am to be the first to buy a knockoff Wii for $5.99. But better.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

The whole affair reminds me of everyone on the Titanic fighting for who should get the tickets to sit at the Captain's table tomorrow night.

PuckStopsHere October 13, 2011 at 12:49 pm

The flyers they post in the poorer parts of town will let them know when to vote.

OneYieldRegular October 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I really don't understand why one of these states doesn't just go all out and hold its primary before the last election.

HedonismBot October 13, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Weren't Florida and Michigan disenfranchised of their primary votes during 2008's Democratic primary election because they pulled these stunts then also? Maybe the Florida GOP will be disenfranchised this time around because of this hanky panky. Boo-freakin-hoo. If America's looniest state has no say in the process, I think we all can only benefit.
And by the way, New Hampshire, you know that state law that says you must hold the first primary in the nation? That's your law. That's not federal law. The rest of the country is not obligated to follow it.

El Pinche October 13, 2011 at 1:03 pm

The GOP has become an episode of Hardcore Pawn.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 13, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I've decided that anything that makes Herman Cain the winner deserves our full support.

Can you imagine the exploding heads among the racist-bagger crowd, if both major candidates are black guys? An independent white candidate would be inevitable, and I think I know who's going to lose a shitload of votes to that campaign.

chicken_thief October 13, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Triple jeopardy for the old GOP-er – not only is the fucker Cain blue black, but he also wants to end SS and Medicare. Or they can vote for the mocha black commie nazi Kenyan that they've blamed everything on for the past three years.

Now that I think about it, there could be a third possibility – President Ralph Nader, if he's giving it another go. Or the Wasilla Grifter?! Could this be her master plan?!!!

owhatever October 13, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Shrewd move by the candidates, who are tired of freezing their mcnuggets off in New Hampshire in January. Florida: Warm. Nevada: Warm. New Hampshire: Not so much.

FuzzyPlushroom October 13, 2011 at 1:56 pm

That reminds me, as a New Hampshire resident I suppose I'd better go make sure I'm registered as unaffiliated so I can vote for the most-reasonable Republican candidates.

Also, I've visited Nevada. I wouldn't go so far as to call the entire state a 'syphilitic hobo', but I'm pretty sure I saw a few. Okay, several. Maybe that's just Las Vegas.

zhubajie October 13, 2011 at 6:27 pm

No, Reno is pretty scummy too. Fallon — the military uses it for live bomb practice.

Bots Meat Commission October 13, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Imagine if all the states held their primaries on the same day!

Everyone would die, obviously. Crazy idea. I'll shut up now.

ttommyunger October 13, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Meanwhile, Kentuckians are frantically trying to beat them all to the punch by setting the election for November 31st, 2011.

Chet Kincaid October 13, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Is Sally Quinn coordinating the primaries now?!
http://gawker.com/5475585/washington-post-exists-

rocktonsam October 13, 2011 at 8:25 pm

if they disrespect each others honor, shouldn't they have a dual?

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 3:09 am

Is New Hampshire gonna' have to cut a bitch?

Is this like when the wimmenz argue over who's going to wear what to where?

DashboardBuddha October 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

5 days…but I can feel my old self seeping back.

chicken_thief October 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Do they bring JarFetus to the games?

PalinzADummy October 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

That's JarJar Bush to you, bud.

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