whatever we've already seen this episode of cops

Early Primary States Just Cold Screaming At Each Other All Day Long

Nothing more American than a nugget brawl.The latest from the Republican primary calendar war of attrition (started by who else, Florida) stars New Hampshire and Nevada in one of those screamy all-American knife fights that break out at the local McAnusChain after the cashier nervously announces they’re running out of chicken nuggets, except here the nuggets are just the “number of days in January,” and New Hampshire Secretary of State Bill Gardner promises to set fire to the building if Nevada won’t let New Hampshire have the first turn licking the burnt nugget remainders off the wall of the fryolator.

Nevada announced last week that it would hold its caucuses January 14, to beat Florida’s new date of January 31 (again, thank you, Florida). New Hampshire state law requires that their primary happen at least seven days before “any similar election,” so Gardner’s proposed date of January 10 would be too late and New Hampshire is threatening to hold its primary in December. Let the ALL CAPS YELLING FLY!

Here is Bill Gardner screaming in a public statement entitled “Why New Hampshire’s primary tradition means Nevada is a syphilitic hobo”:

IT’S REALLY UP TO NEVADA.  If Nevada does not accept a date of Tuesday, January 17th or later for its caucus, it leaves New Hampshire  no choice but to consider December of this year.  The dates of Tuesday, December 13th, and Tuesday, December 6th are realistic options, and we have logistics in place to make either date happen if needed.

What does Nevada think of this threat?

Gardner didn’t make that point directly to Nevada GOP Chairwoman Amy Tarkanian, who learned of the statement from POLITICO.

She replied, via text message: “WHAT??!!!”

Haha, not everyone was caught by surprise. Here is Nevada just cold giving New Hampshire the middle finger signal to begin fighting, via the Las Vegas Sun:

Nevada GOP national committeeman and former Gov. Bob List says no way. “We tried to communicate with New Hampshire to coordinate our dates…he was the one who insisted we proceed to pick our date ahead of them,” List said, calling Gardner’s letter “a little weird.”

“I don’t envy his problem, but it’s certainly not our problem,” List continued.

So it all boils down to, “I hope your knife is sharp, New Hampshire, that fryolator grease is mine.” [POLITICO/Las Vegas Sun]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • DashboardBuddha

    mmmmm, rethugs feeding on the rotted flesh of each other.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Technically speaking, Bill Gardner is a 'non-partisan' state official, and the goobernor of N.H. is Democrat John Lynch.

      But generally, just what you said, times eleventy!
      ~

      • DashboardBuddha

        My bad…still rattled from the Texas trip. I need to pace myself…there will be plenty more opportunities to see repubs tearing huge gobbets of flesh out of each others hides.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'll just be happy when some states get their primaries happening before those idiotic midwest state fair straw polls where it's always Ron Paul and some talk-radio shouter in the top ranks.

      It will be a fine day indeed when FL, NV and NH all show up at the national convention with their delegates committed to a candidate that is not only no longer in contention, but may not even be alive anymore.

  • http://archikvetch.blogspot.com/ archikvetch

    I still say the primaries should start with Georgia and Belarus

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Live Free or Cut a Sandoval!11

  • prommie

    Nevada's a badass, Nevada just don't give a shit!

    • DaSandman

      Nevada don't care, Nevada go back to prison you fuck with me.

      • prommie

        But there is a Cathouse in the State! Cathouse in the State, Cathouse go "Mreowr," we don't need no cathouse, we need a dawg-house!

        • LesBontemps

          Apparently, however, it's now "the honey-badger state."

  • Come here a minute

    I'm looking forward to the taste of Nevada McNuggets, after New Hampshire throws them into the fryolator.

    Fryolator. Sure is fun to use that word. Fryolator. See you later, fryolator. &c.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Such a ruckus to decide which corporate tool will be selling us out to the banks for another four years.
    ~

    • Eve8Apples

      Imagine the fighting if the GOP actually had a field of intelligent, capable candidates.

      I wouldn't stop to piss on the current bunch of candidates if they were on fire.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Yeah, but what if they were NOT on fire?

        • OccupyFnChicken

          waste of perfectly good pee.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Especially when you know fully half them would be secretly enjoying it.

        • NellCote71

          Gee, five replies later and no one has said Santorum? So, there, I did your work for you. Again.

  • DaSandman

    LOL The Transfat Primaries

    • GOPCrusher

      You'll get my deep fat fried butter stick when you pry it from cold, dead, greasy fingers.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This is why we need strong states' rights and a minimalist federal government — so we can fight amongst ourselves over the same petty shit election cycle after election cycle. Just imagine Rick Perry's alternative to Social Security being managed by these good-hearted, long-term-thinking kinda folks.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "We tried to communicate with New Hampshire to coordinate our dates…he was the one who insisted we proceed to pick our date ahead of them."

    Are they talking about Primaries or Proms?

    • SayItWithWookies

      All I can say is if Florida picked a luau theme this year, New Hampshire's gonna hafta cut a bitch.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Nobody wants to go with Mittens even though he looks great in a tux.

      • chicken_thief

        Except for the lumpy magic underwear lines…

  • OneDollarJuana

    These are the "primaries". That's why they're acting like little children.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Mmmm. What about next Tuesday?

    • GOPCrusher

      Don't give them any ideas. Or the next primary season will start the week after the Nov. 2012 election.

    • LesBontemps

      If it will stop the endless series of GOP candidates debates, I'm all for it.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Nope, Tuesday's packed. Oh, wait. I've got this hair appointment at 3:30 I can reschedule easy enough. Howabout Tuesday 3:30-4:15 then?

  • snackypants

    YOU CAN ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT BY YELLING IN ALLCAPS.

    • UnholyMoses

      YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT!!!

      But if you try lower case, you just might find, you get what you need.

    • baconzgood

      But if they are all red caps…..WOAH!

  • Eve8Apples

    What's the point in having well-armed state militias if the states don't use them against each other.

  • SorosBot

    I've said it before, every four years: fuck Iowa and New Hampshire.

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Well Iowa gave us Hopey. But they also gave us Lurch. So it's kind of a wash.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      The one up with having a couple of small states first is spelled Ameros. The masticated marketing costs in a state like Florida are, as they say on the sports teevee, HUGE. So having a couple of teh little states first supposedly gives the un-preanointed little guys a swing a the primary piñata and leverage that to run in the big states. Clearly, this a socialist thinking and contrary to the 'Murican way.

      • SorosBot

        If they want to start with a small state, couldn't they at least pick one with an actual city and non-white people? Try Rhode Island, or Delaware.

        • GOPCrusher

          We have non-white people in Iowa. The Mexicans work in the meat packing plants. And the blacks are the ones that caucused for Obama.
          The rest of us sit around and count the sweet, sweet corn subsidies caysh.

          • zhubajie

            Don't forget the Sioux arond Sioux City!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          "couldn't they at least pick one with an actual city and non-white people?"

          Ummm… you do realize this is the GOP primary we're talking about?

          • SorosBot

            Yeah, but the same applies to the Democratic primaries.

    • Terry

      It could be worse. The first primary states could be Florida, Ohio, and Texas. Just imagine THAT horror.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Well then, how's 'bout skipping the flyovers and have Taxachucetts and the Soviet of Washington go first? We could move the primary forward a day and call it Blue Monday.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Stupid fuckers are stupid.

  • SexySmurf

    She replied, via text message: “WHAT??!!!”

    To which, New Hampshire replied, "Chicken butt." Nevada wrote back, "Your mother!" This prompted New Hampshire to tell Maryland that Nevada has herpes.

    • baconzgood

      Then Iowa held it's breath….

    • GOPCrusher

      Good thing they weren't playing X-Box Halo online. Someone could have been called a fag.

    • emmelemm

      That made me laugh really, REALLY hard.

  • http://wonkette.com NorbertsRevenge

    I just started a band called Syphilitic Hobo, within the last 30 seconds. I'm still looking for a drummer. If we make it big, I promise to send KBJ some merch or something.

    • OneDollarJuana

      You should rename your band to "Gonorrheac Hobo". Just heard yesterday that some forms of gonorrhea are incurable, so you'll be around forever with the new name! (of course, as long as you aren't on the same bill as "The Cure")

      • poncho_pilot

        but that Locomotor Ataxia dance is really hot right now!

    • prommie

      You can all Jitterbug on stage, for authenticity!

    • DashboardBuddha

      I could start a sister band called Sympathetic Homo…except I'm not gay and I lack sympathy.

      • PalinzADummy

        I could be the Homo. I am very sympathetic. Also, I play drums.

  • AJWjr.

    Sorry, New Hampshire, we're just not that into you. Perhaps we should date other states.
    And, may I say, I detest our caucus more than the heat of a thousand sunlamps.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The New Hampshirians just haven't got their mojo working anymore ever since the Old Man of the Mountain collapsed.

    "Live Free or… uhh… Live Free or Duh!"

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Somebody was watching Rachel last night.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Actually, no. Rangers/Tigers, Cards/Brewers. I get enough politics here at Wonkette during the day, I take the nights off!

        • Oblios_Cap

          I hope those fucking Rangers lose. I don't want to see Bush's asinine face on the TV during the Series.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Being a San Antonian, I hate all teams that make their home in the DFW Scroto-plex.

          • GOPCrusher

            Hate to say it, but I think we are going to have to endure that smirking asshole and his wife, The Joker, through the World Series.

          • chicken_thief

            Do they bring JarFetus to the games?

          • PalinzADummy

            That's JarJar Bush to you, bud.

        • PalinzADummy

          Slacker.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    They just need to put Romney, Perry, Cain & Bachmann in a tub of jello. Last one standing wins. (Would be a lot more entertaining and cheaper…)

    • poncho_pilot

      or a tub of water and an appliance.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD1ybsvhtng

    • mourningnmerica

      The thought of all of them suffocating/drowning at the same time… I started getting wood.

    • PalinzADummy

      I love you, and that's Godz own troof, but I do NOT want to see any of those flabby Oldz in a jello tub. Can't we just put Barb and Limeylizzie in there instead?

  • Indiepalin

    Right now, the New Hampshire primary is scheduled to begin around lunchtime today. Hopefully, Wonkette will provide their signature liveblog so we can all make serious, insightful comments.

    • PalinzADummy

      "[…] so we can all make serious, insightful comments."

      Wrong site.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

    I now have a law that requires me to be in the front of the line at the movie theater. Everywhere. Forever. Also, too, so often.

    • Not_So_Much

      Better expand that to Disneyland asap. Cuz that magical kingdom of eternal lines sucks otherwise…

      • http://www.wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

        My new Di$neyland law requires me to ride the largest Hutt-like hoverround pilot about the park like my beloved Jabba.

  • philpjfry

    First of all, what the hell kind of law says our primary has to be first? Who gives a fuck? I swear these people would race to the appocolypse if they thought there would be free pretzels.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Wait — the crunchy kind or the soft kind?

      • chicken_thief

        I be lovin the butter, sugar and cinnamon ones. Lots of butter. And sugar. For my freedumz to be fat. And first in line, cause of my fat related disabilities.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      First one there to meet Jeebus.

    • YouBetcha

      I could go for a pretzel right now.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        These pretzels are making me thirsty!

    • GOPCrusher

      Brown or yellow mustard?

    • Negropolis

      Ah, yes. The pretzel, Dubya's mortal enemy. More dangerous than the Taliban and the Iraqi insurgency, combined.

  • Canmon

    Florida and Nevada have brown people. They can have their say, but only after the white people in New Hampshire and Iowa. It's tradition, and tradition is always right.

    • AJWjr.

      Mostly turned to a golden brown by the sun, but yeah.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Nevada has brown people?

      • GOPCrusher

        Who do you think cleans hotel rooms?

        • PalinzADummy

          Oh, is that what Karl Rove meant when he said he didn't want *his* kid to be taking "those" kinda jobs?

          Hard to believe, but Karl Rove apparently has a kid.

      • chicken_thief

        But they could be Asian. Hard to fucking tell, amirite, Sharon?

      • Negropolis

        Nevada is 20%+ hispanic.

    • sundaytrucker

      It's the Republican primaries, brown people aren't allowed to vote in them silly.

  • baconzgood

    I PROPOSE THAT PA HAS IT'S PRIMARY FOR THIS ELECTION DEC. 5 1865 SO FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!

  • Limeylizzie

    Mine, mine, mine.

    • prommie

      Stop touching me!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      So, Herb Cain has a speech impediment? Who knew?

    • PalinzADummy

      I, me, me, mine.

  • UnholyMoses

    So … GOP leaders in NH and NV are selfish dickbags who care less about tradition and what's best for the most than they do about ensuring it's all about MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!, as if they're a collection of Aspie kids who have had too much caffeine.

    I'm trying to figure out how this is any different than anything else they do.

    And grabbing some popcorn, 'cause it's TEH AWESOME watching the GOP implode like this.

    Also, too: You shoulda made it mandatory that everyone type IN ALL CAPS IN THIS THREAD. IT'D BE A LIKE MYSPACE PAGE WITHOUT THE UNDERAGE DOUCHEBAGS AND SHITTY MUSIC. Just a thought …

  • Not_So_Much

    New Hampshire should just tuck a $20 in Nevada's g-string and tell it what it wants. 'Oh yeeeah, move a little to the Right baby….'

    • AJWjr.

      Fuck, if we moved any further to the right we'd be nudging Colorado.

  • Lucidamente1

    Amy Tarkanian wouldn't happen to be the spawn of Jerry Tarkanian? Cuz if she is, New Hampshire should be very, very careful about what it does (is it possible to kneecap a whole state?).

    • AJWjr.

      Daughter-in-law, close enough.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    FIRST!

    Annoying isn't it?

    • JoshuaNorton

      Not as annoying as "FRIST!" which was the cliché knee-slapper a few years ago when unfunny people thought they were really being hilarious.

      • Come here a minute

        FLORIST!

        [ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ]

  • widestanceshakedown

    And so began the First Bitches!1!1 War of the States.

  • GregComlish

    jesus, why don't the states just set up with a coordinated primary rotating system like the NFL draft. States can then bargain and trade away their primary dates and let the free market decide who goes first.

    • Terry

      They won't do that because an early primary is all that Iowa and New Hampshire can claim as a bragging point. What else do they have? Iowa has that one creative writing program that's supposed to be great, then a whole lot of fine vegetables and grains growing. New Hampshire can brag that they haven't paid taxes in years and take advantage of every opportunity to get their neighbors to pay for their poor citizens' health care.

      • kissawookiee

        Wrestling. Don't forget the wrestling factory that is Iowa State.

      • SorosBot

        Hell, without the all-important early Iowa caucus, we might have a President who didn't pledge to keep America fat and unhealthy with corn syrup via corn subsidies, and we can't have that.

        • AJWjr.

          But what will we do without the requisite corndog-slurping photo ops?

      • GOPCrusher

        To be fair, Iowa is the one place that the candidates can go and be seen meeting with semi-real people without the fear of being asked uncomfortable questions.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        I still fondly remember their standardized tests from grade school…

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Hey … can we administer the Iowa Test to the GOP candidates?
          For once, we cold actually learn something about them!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      why don't the states just set up with a coordinated primary rotating system like the NFL draft.

      Lotta work to do that. Of course, it worth the effort in the NFL, where much is at stake.

      State primaries? Meh, whatever.

  • SorosBot

    New Hampshire: I'm rubber and Nevada's glue, and everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!

  • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    And so it begins… The greatest circle-jerk of our time

    • GregComlish

      no. a circle-jerk is a definitively cooperative exercise. This is more of a cluster-fuck.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Sorry, but "knife-fight" really is the working analogy here. It's got everything but the Leonard Bernstein soundtrack.

      • AJWjr.

        Oh, please. These are republicans we're talking about. It's a bukkake fest.

    • littlebigdaddy

      A santorum scrum?

  • paris biltong

    The decline in industrial activity and business in general leaves the states no choice but to rely on party primaries for revenue, unless they can line up several conventions and the Super Bowl.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    This has gone beyond posturing. Which is what I initially attributed to this demonstration of musical chairs. Akin to many "FIRST!!1!" conquistadores in line (or those who shuttle kids to & fro, the war cry "Shotgun!" but anyway), these states are trampling what ought to be a routine manner of organization in our linear-oriented time code. Instead of being in the common interest of the greater public served, it becomes not unlike mobilizing a bunch of adolescents to do something selfless for a greater-good-than-themselves — like have them give a toy or winter coat toward some beneficent functionary like Angel Tree — and let's say you extract from them said donations, only to end up witnessing the flurry of scalded egos falling over eachother trying to stick their goddamned angel cutout front-&-center of the tree. The whole purpose of calling to order gets drowned in insipid selfishness.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I think this comparison is unfair to your adolescents in question.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Hey GOPers, now you know what it's like to be fucked over by Florida.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Not just the GOPers. I hear Hillary is still pissed about FL & MI ca. 2008.

  • Terry

    Look on the bright side. If a bunch of states move their primaries into a big clump, it will mean that we'll get them all over with more quickly.

    • hilacious

      I hope not. I'm planning a trip to the South in March and I was REALLY hoping to see some Republican infighting up close, maybe even catch a Bachmann rally comedy show. At the very least they'd be distracted and hopefully not flip out on us once they found out we're from Gay Ole Hopey Lovin' California.

    • SilverTsunami

      And we could give that day a cute name–even a Super-cute name!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    What if two states both had laws that said they each had to go first? Would this be like dividing by zero, or is it more like a Star Trek episode where they cancel each other out in a universe ending mattter/anti-matter collision, never to be heard from again?

    I know which one I'm pulling for.

    • SorosBot

      This is one of those issues that we cannot answer just yet, like what occurs inside a black hole's event horizon or the events of the earliest tiniest fractions of a second after the Big Bang, because it requires the synthesis of quantum mechanics and general relativity that physics has not yet discovered.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        You will never be elected as a Republican with that kind of talk. Rick Perry says the Big Bang was when he dropped the soap in the shower at Aggieland.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Scientitsts told us we could never know what happened in the moments before the Big Bang — looks like they were wrong.

          • Come here a minute

            Jesus Fucking Christ — "In the beginning there was nothing." — what part of "nothing" don't you understand?

  • metamarcisf

    The solution is simple. Just have state primaries in alphabetical order. Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas…Wisconsin, Wyoming. There. Done and done. Hey Texas, you don't like it? Change your fucking name.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Great — twelve years from now America will have fifty states named Aaaaaaaa.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Although I think it would be cool if Texas changed it's name to Aarmadillo.

        Wouldn't that be a great bumper sticker? Don't Mess With Aarmadillo

    • emmelemm

      Washington disagrees.

      Oh wait, nobody gives a flying fuck what we think. "Never mind."

  • bureaucrap

    I don't know what all these states are complaining about. I already had my own "first-in-the-the-country" primary. All the Republican candidates lost. Hopey won against President Josiah Bartlet, but just by a hair.

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    Just spray some Faygo on the fat fucks and tell them to hug it out.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Just get Sharon Angle to visit NH and apply some Second Amendment Remedies. Those hillbillies will get the message and right quick.

  • AJWjr.

    At our local Fall Festival in rural Nevada a couple of weeks ago, I was just cold chillin' with the Democrats in our booth, when a woman from the GOP booth across the way came over and handed over a stack of voter registration forms because the Democrats had run out. At least on a micro basis we can still get along, but fuck New Hampshire is what I'm trying to say.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I just assume she was armed. Still, a heartwarming story.

      • AJWjr.

        It's Nevada, we were all armed.

    • http://wonkette.com NorbertsRevenge

      Those were the ones printed with the wrong filing deadline.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Wake me when NH nukes NV.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Chances are there is still enough fissionable material in NV left over from the Trinity tests. NH better watch its ass.

  • proudgrampa

    Since I live in neither NH nor NV, I am past caring.

    • AJWjr.

      Most of us that do live in one or the other are beyond caring, too.

  • DaRooster

    Topeka!! Have all primaries in Topeka. Maybe all the GOP will "fall down the stairs".

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    We should let the great State of Confusion go first.

    • DaRooster

      It is…

    • hebmskebm

      Wouldn't that be Florida, what with all the Alzheimer's and such?

  • baconzgood

    Oh come on ass wipes. If you were my kids I'd tell you to settle this with a rock/paper/scissors off or go to your rooms and shut the fuck up! Daddy's trying to watch the hockey game!

    • DaRooster

      Arm rassle!! Nevada would win… pullin' them slots all day would come in good for something.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

      Go get the big spoon from the kitchen.

      • mayor_quimby

        I hated that fuckin spoon. They are banned in my house, except for the bedroom…

  • BlueStateLibel

    And all of this is for what – so Willard Romeny will evenutally win the primary, only so he can get hammered by Obama in the general election?

    • fuflans

      from your mouth to god's ear.

  • BornInATrailer

    Haha! We're douches!

  • paris biltong

    The Socialists here (in France) are having their nationwide primary these days, with the second round coming up Sunday. The refreshing thing about it is that all candidates agree on what to do (socialism) and it's coming down to a beauty contest between one short guy with warts and one somewhat overweight lady.

    • proudgrampa

      Vive la France!

      A national primary is exactly what we Americans need, IMHO.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        STATES RIGHTS !!!!9!!11!!!!

        • proudgrampa

          Oh, come on, Lascaux. The states abdicated their responsibilities to their citizens long ago…

    • Negropolis

      I so miss Segolene, though, I understand the French do not. I don't see how her former boyfriend is more popular than she is.

  • Limeylizzie

    I care more about the crumbs, from some delicious Brent & Sam's Chocolate chip cookies , that have fallen down my bra and into the vast tract that is my cleavage and as I am on a plane I cannot just dive down there and shake them out.

    • Steverino247

      So, tell us. How do you get Breasts of Mass Distraction on an airplane these days?

      • Limeylizzie

        I get frisked a lot and I am sure that it is not because of my Green Card.

        • GOPCrusher

          A victim of racial profiling?

    • prommie

      This sounds like a job for MotorBoat Man!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Do I kick my woman out for eating crackers in bed? No I do not. In fact, I even help with the cleanup.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

      Gives a whole new meaning to the question: "Can I num those for you?"

    • poncho_pilot

      Lizzie, do you ever hang around a gymnasium?

      • Limeylizzie

        In what way, Katie?

        • poncho_pilot

          All of them. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit making Airplane! references.

    • mourningnmerica

      Today, we are all (OK, most of us) cookie crumbs.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Thank you Lizzie…this is the comment that brings me home.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Excuse me, but …. are you gonna eat those?

    • chicken_thief

      Ahhhh, go for it! Give the bored out of their gourds a thrill.

  • PubOption

    Let the process play itself out. After a few more election cycles, the primaries will become so far advanced that some states will be committed to candidates who showed early promise but then faded, (such as Trump and Bachmann this year). It could also be possible that some candidates will not announce until after the first primaries. Once the system falls apart, something more sensible will have to be arranged.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Once the system falls apart, something more sensible will have to be arranged it will be replaced by something even more ludicrous and incomprehensible.

      /fixed

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        As foretold by Douglas Adams.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    What's the problem? Let's just ask Herman Cain — currently ahead in the polls — when they should have the primary. His answer will probably be September 9th, 2009.

  • Limeylizzie
    • Amo_of_Bogio

      Oh if only it were so, if only…

  • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

    …and the circular firing squad reloads.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well, some of them do.

  • musesdarling

    Can the primaries just *all* happen on the same goddamn fucking day, please?? Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ…

    • proudgrampa

      I'm sorry, but that is just too logical!

    • hebmskebm

      But wait, that would more than likely lead to a cluster fuck where no candidate has more than like 27% of the delegates and would set off a massive poo-flinging fight on the floor of the GOP Convention on national television—

      On second thought, GREAT IDEA!!!

      • GOPCrusher

        If we were lucky, it would last until Xmas.

        • Generation[redacted]

          Xmas 2012. The Republican candidate will be announced January 2013.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I would find this highly problematic if not for the fact that I don't really give a flying fuck about GOP presidential primary dates. They could pick their candidate by throwing darts on the wall and it wouldn't change much.

    • AJWjr.

      I'd prefer they throw the darts at one another. In fact, I think that's an excellent format for their next "debate".

      • Generation[redacted]

        Lawn darts.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          With lasers on them.

  • SorosBot

    Nevada's letting it all ride on an early primary, come on baby, this'll be a winner for sure, then it'll be able to get a new education system and pay all those outstanding bonds, the payoff will be huge if it just wins this one primary fight.

  • tihond

    Under the legendary Supreme Court decision of Plessy vs. Whatever Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas, aren't we legally required to ignore Nevada?

  • chicken_thief

    They should just meet in a bar in TN to hash this out.

  • Guppy06

    Simple solution: Since both parties are now flush with corporate money thanks to Citizens United, they can pay for their own fucking primaries and not involve the state governments at all.

    Where's your fiscal responsibility now, bitches?

  • BarackMyWorld

    I hope Barry's getting some good lulz out of this.

  • powersuit

    Early December? Early January? Look forward to constant commercials for "Christmas with the Cains"–Herman with a Bible in one hand; Mrs. Cain in her finest Christmas sweater, "wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas". Maybe Herman will put on a Christmas sweater, too. Good times ahead!

    • AJWjr.

      Wait–doess Gle2n beck's new clothing line have Xmas sweaters, too?

      • powersuit

        Yes. The applique baby Jesus is holding a copy of Beck's latest book; the elephant looks on adoringly and the donkey is dead.

  • Redhead

    It's like those videos you see on the news the night after Thanksgiving, of all the fat people elbowing each other, trying to squeeze through the doors at Walmart at 12:01 am to be the first to buy a knockoff Wii for $5.99. But better.

  • mourningnmerica

    The whole affair reminds me of everyone on the Titanic fighting for who should get the tickets to sit at the Captain's table tomorrow night.

  • PuckStopsHere

    The flyers they post in the poorer parts of town will let them know when to vote.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I really don't understand why one of these states doesn't just go all out and hold its primary before the last election.

  • HedonismBot

    Weren't Florida and Michigan disenfranchised of their primary votes during 2008's Democratic primary election because they pulled these stunts then also? Maybe the Florida GOP will be disenfranchised this time around because of this hanky panky. Boo-freakin-hoo. If America's looniest state has no say in the process, I think we all can only benefit.
    And by the way, New Hampshire, you know that state law that says you must hold the first primary in the nation? That's your law. That's not federal law. The rest of the country is not obligated to follow it.

  • El Pinche

    The GOP has become an episode of Hardcore Pawn.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I've decided that anything that makes Herman Cain the winner deserves our full support.

    Can you imagine the exploding heads among the racist-bagger crowd, if both major candidates are black guys? An independent white candidate would be inevitable, and I think I know who's going to lose a shitload of votes to that campaign.

    • chicken_thief

      Triple jeopardy for the old GOP-er – not only is the fucker Cain blue black, but he also wants to end SS and Medicare. Or they can vote for the mocha black commie nazi Kenyan that they've blamed everything on for the past three years.

      Now that I think about it, there could be a third possibility – President Ralph Nader, if he's giving it another go. Or the Wasilla Grifter?! Could this be her master plan?!!!

  • owhatever

    Shrewd move by the candidates, who are tired of freezing their mcnuggets off in New Hampshire in January. Florida: Warm. Nevada: Warm. New Hampshire: Not so much.

  • FuzzyPlushroom

    That reminds me, as a New Hampshire resident I suppose I'd better go make sure I'm registered as unaffiliated so I can vote for the most-reasonable Republican candidates.

    Also, I've visited Nevada. I wouldn't go so far as to call the entire state a 'syphilitic hobo', but I'm pretty sure I saw a few. Okay, several. Maybe that's just Las Vegas.

    • zhubajie

      No, Reno is pretty scummy too. Fallon — the military uses it for live bomb practice.

  • Bots Meat Commission

    Imagine if all the states held their primaries on the same day!

    Everyone would die, obviously. Crazy idea. I'll shut up now.

  • ttommyunger

    Meanwhile, Kentuckians are frantically trying to beat them all to the punch by setting the election for November 31st, 2011.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Is Sally Quinn coordinating the primaries now?!
    http://gawker.com/5475585/washington-post-exists-

  • rocktonsam

    if they disrespect each others honor, shouldn't they have a dual?

  • Negropolis

    Is New Hampshire gonna' have to cut a bitch?

    Is this like when the wimmenz argue over who's going to wear what to where?

  • DashboardBuddha

    5 days…but I can feel my old self seeping back.