whatever we've already seen this episode of cops

Early Primary States Just Cold Screaming At Each Other All Day Long

Nothing more American than a nugget brawl.The latest from the Republican primary calendar war of attrition (started by who else, Florida) stars New Hampshire and Nevada in one of those screamy all-American knife fights that break out at the local McAnusChain after the cashier nervously announces they’re running out of chicken nuggets, except here the nuggets are just the “number of days in January,” and New Hampshire Secretary of State Bill Gardner promises to set fire to the building if Nevada won’t let New Hampshire have the first turn licking the burnt nugget remainders off the wall of the fryolator.

Nevada announced last week that it would hold its caucuses January 14, to beat Florida’s new date of January 31 (again, thank you, Florida). New Hampshire state law requires that their primary happen at least seven days before “any similar election,” so Gardner’s proposed date of January 10 would be too late and New Hampshire is threatening to hold its primary in December. Let the ALL CAPS YELLING FLY!

Here is Bill Gardner screaming in a public statement entitled “Why New Hampshire’s primary tradition means Nevada is a syphilitic hobo”:

IT’S REALLY UP TO NEVADA.  If Nevada does not accept a date of Tuesday, January 17th or later for its caucus, it leaves New Hampshire  no choice but to consider December of this year.  The dates of Tuesday, December 13th, and Tuesday, December 6th are realistic options, and we have logistics in place to make either date happen if needed.

What does Nevada think of this threat?

Gardner didn’t make that point directly to Nevada GOP Chairwoman Amy Tarkanian, who learned of the statement from POLITICO.

She replied, via text message: “WHAT??!!!”

Haha, not everyone was caught by surprise. Here is Nevada just cold giving New Hampshire the middle finger signal to begin fighting, via the Las Vegas Sun:

Nevada GOP national committeeman and former Gov. Bob List says no way. “We tried to communicate with New Hampshire to coordinate our dates…he was the one who insisted we proceed to pick our date ahead of them,” List said, calling Gardner’s letter “a little weird.”

“I don’t envy his problem, but it’s certainly not our problem,” List continued.

So it all boils down to, “I hope your knife is sharp, New Hampshire, that fryolator grease is mine.” [POLITICO/Las Vegas Sun]

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      1. DashboardBuddha

        My bad…still rattled from the Texas trip. I need to pace myself…there will be plenty more opportunities to see repubs tearing huge gobbets of flesh out of each others hides.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'll just be happy when some states get their primaries happening before those idiotic midwest state fair straw polls where it's always Ron Paul and some talk-radio shouter in the top ranks.

      It will be a fine day indeed when FL, NV and NH all show up at the national convention with their delegates committed to a candidate that is not only no longer in contention, but may not even be alive anymore.

      1. prommie

        But there is a Cathouse in the State! Cathouse in the State, Cathouse go "Mreowr," we don't need no cathouse, we need a dawg-house!

  1. Come here a minute

    I'm looking forward to the taste of Nevada McNuggets, after New Hampshire throws them into the fryolator.

    Fryolator. Sure is fun to use that word. Fryolator. See you later, fryolator. &c.

    1. Eve8Apples

      Imagine the fighting if the GOP actually had a field of intelligent, capable candidates.

      I wouldn't stop to piss on the current bunch of candidates if they were on fire.

        1. NellCote71

          Gee, five replies later and no one has said Santorum? So, there, I did your work for you. Again.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    This is why we need strong states' rights and a minimalist federal government — so we can fight amongst ourselves over the same petty shit election cycle after election cycle. Just imagine Rick Perry's alternative to Social Security being managed by these good-hearted, long-term-thinking kinda folks.

  3. Chillwaver

    "We tried to communicate with New Hampshire to coordinate our dates…he was the one who insisted we proceed to pick our date ahead of them."

    Are they talking about Primaries or Proms?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      All I can say is if Florida picked a luau theme this year, New Hampshire's gonna hafta cut a bitch.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Don't give them any ideas. Or the next primary season will start the week after the Nov. 2012 election.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Nope, Tuesday's packed. Oh, wait. I've got this hair appointment at 3:30 I can reschedule easy enough. Howabout Tuesday 3:30-4:15 then?

    1. UnholyMoses


      But if you try lower case, you just might find, you get what you need.

  4. Eve8Apples

    What's the point in having well-armed state militias if the states don't use them against each other.

    1. weejee

      The one up with having a couple of small states first is spelled Ameros. The masticated marketing costs in a state like Florida are, as they say on the sports teevee, HUGE. So having a couple of teh little states first supposedly gives the un-preanointed little guys a swing a the primary piñata and leverage that to run in the big states. Clearly, this a socialist thinking and contrary to the 'Murican way.

      1. SorosBot

        If they want to start with a small state, couldn't they at least pick one with an actual city and non-white people? Try Rhode Island, or Delaware.

        1. GOPCrusher

          We have non-white people in Iowa. The Mexicans work in the meat packing plants. And the blacks are the ones that caucused for Obama.
          The rest of us sit around and count the sweet, sweet corn subsidies caysh.

        2. Biel_ze_Bubba

          "couldn't they at least pick one with an actual city and non-white people?"

          Ummm… you do realize this is the GOP primary we're talking about?

    2. Terry

      It could be worse. The first primary states could be Florida, Ohio, and Texas. Just imagine THAT horror.

      1. weejee

        Well then, how's 'bout skipping the flyovers and have Taxachucetts and the Soviet of Washington go first? We could move the primary forward a day and call it Blue Monday.

  5. SexySmurf

    She replied, via text message: “WHAT??!!!”

    To which, New Hampshire replied, "Chicken butt." Nevada wrote back, "Your mother!" This prompted New Hampshire to tell Maryland that Nevada has herpes.

  6. NorbertsRevenge

    I just started a band called Syphilitic Hobo, within the last 30 seconds. I'm still looking for a drummer. If we make it big, I promise to send KBJ some merch or something.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      You should rename your band to "Gonorrheac Hobo". Just heard yesterday that some forms of gonorrhea are incurable, so you'll be around forever with the new name! (of course, as long as you aren't on the same bill as "The Cure")

  7. AJWjr.

    Sorry, New Hampshire, we're just not that into you. Perhaps we should date other states.
    And, may I say, I detest our caucus more than the heat of a thousand sunlamps.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    The New Hampshirians just haven't got their mojo working anymore ever since the Old Man of the Mountain collapsed.

    "Live Free or… uhh… Live Free or Duh!"

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Actually, no. Rangers/Tigers, Cards/Brewers. I get enough politics here at Wonkette during the day, I take the nights off!

        1. Oblios_Cap

          I hope those fucking Rangers lose. I don't want to see Bush's asinine face on the TV during the Series.

          1. GOPCrusher

            Hate to say it, but I think we are going to have to endure that smirking asshole and his wife, The Joker, through the World Series.

  9. Texan_Bulldog

    They just need to put Romney, Perry, Cain & Bachmann in a tub of jello. Last one standing wins. (Would be a lot more entertaining and cheaper…)

    1. PalinzADummy

      I love you, and that's Godz own troof, but I do NOT want to see any of those flabby Oldz in a jello tub. Can't we just put Barb and Limeylizzie in there instead?

  10. Indiepalin

    Right now, the New Hampshire primary is scheduled to begin around lunchtime today. Hopefully, Wonkette will provide their signature liveblog so we can all make serious, insightful comments.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Better expand that to Disneyland asap. Cuz that magical kingdom of eternal lines sucks otherwise…

  11. philpjfry

    First of all, what the hell kind of law says our primary has to be first? Who gives a fuck? I swear these people would race to the appocolypse if they thought there would be free pretzels.

      1. chicken_thief

        I be lovin the butter, sugar and cinnamon ones. Lots of butter. And sugar. For my freedumz to be fat. And first in line, cause of my fat related disabilities.

    1. Negropolis

      Ah, yes. The pretzel, Dubya's mortal enemy. More dangerous than the Taliban and the Iraqi insurgency, combined.

  12. Canmon

    Florida and Nevada have brown people. They can have their say, but only after the white people in New Hampshire and Iowa. It's tradition, and tradition is always right.

        1. PalinzADummy

          Oh, is that what Karl Rove meant when he said he didn't want *his* kid to be taking "those" kinda jobs?

          Hard to believe, but Karl Rove apparently has a kid.

  13. UnholyMoses

    So … GOP leaders in NH and NV are selfish dickbags who care less about tradition and what's best for the most than they do about ensuring it's all about MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!, as if they're a collection of Aspie kids who have had too much caffeine.

    I'm trying to figure out how this is any different than anything else they do.

    And grabbing some popcorn, 'cause it's TEH AWESOME watching the GOP implode like this.

    Also, too: You shoulda made it mandatory that everyone type IN ALL CAPS IN THIS THREAD. IT'D BE A LIKE MYSPACE PAGE WITHOUT THE UNDERAGE DOUCHEBAGS AND SHITTY MUSIC. Just a thought …

  14. Not_So_Much

    New Hampshire should just tuck a $20 in Nevada's g-string and tell it what it wants. 'Oh yeeeah, move a little to the Right baby….'

  15. Lucidamente1

    Amy Tarkanian wouldn't happen to be the spawn of Jerry Tarkanian? Cuz if she is, New Hampshire should be very, very careful about what it does (is it possible to kneecap a whole state?).

    1. JoshuaNorton

      Not as annoying as "FRIST!" which was the cliché knee-slapper a few years ago when unfunny people thought they were really being hilarious.

      1. Come here a minute


        [ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ]

  16. GregComlish

    jesus, why don't the states just set up with a coordinated primary rotating system like the NFL draft. States can then bargain and trade away their primary dates and let the free market decide who goes first.

    1. Terry

      They won't do that because an early primary is all that Iowa and New Hampshire can claim as a bragging point. What else do they have? Iowa has that one creative writing program that's supposed to be great, then a whole lot of fine vegetables and grains growing. New Hampshire can brag that they haven't paid taxes in years and take advantage of every opportunity to get their neighbors to pay for their poor citizens' health care.

      1. SorosBot

        Hell, without the all-important early Iowa caucus, we might have a President who didn't pledge to keep America fat and unhealthy with corn syrup via corn subsidies, and we can't have that.

      2. GOPCrusher

        To be fair, Iowa is the one place that the candidates can go and be seen meeting with semi-real people without the fear of being asked uncomfortable questions.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Hey … can we administer the Iowa Test to the GOP candidates?
          For once, we cold actually learn something about them!

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      why don't the states just set up with a coordinated primary rotating system like the NFL draft.

      Lotta work to do that. Of course, it worth the effort in the NFL, where much is at stake.

      State primaries? Meh, whatever.

  17. SorosBot

    New Hampshire: I'm rubber and Nevada's glue, and everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Sorry, but "knife-fight" really is the working analogy here. It's got everything but the Leonard Bernstein soundtrack.

  18. paris biltong

    The decline in industrial activity and business in general leaves the states no choice but to rely on party primaries for revenue, unless they can line up several conventions and the Super Bowl.

  19. Mumbletypeg

    This has gone beyond posturing. Which is what I initially attributed to this demonstration of musical chairs. Akin to many "FIRST!!1!" conquistadores in line (or those who shuttle kids to & fro, the war cry "Shotgun!" but anyway), these states are trampling what ought to be a routine manner of organization in our linear-oriented time code. Instead of being in the common interest of the greater public served, it becomes not unlike mobilizing a bunch of adolescents to do something selfless for a greater-good-than-themselves — like have them give a toy or winter coat toward some beneficent functionary like Angel Tree — and let's say you extract from them said donations, only to end up witnessing the flurry of scalded egos falling over eachother trying to stick their goddamned angel cutout front-&-center of the tree. The whole purpose of calling to order gets drowned in insipid selfishness.

  20. Terry

    Look on the bright side. If a bunch of states move their primaries into a big clump, it will mean that we'll get them all over with more quickly.

    1. hilacious

      I hope not. I'm planning a trip to the South in March and I was REALLY hoping to see some Republican infighting up close, maybe even catch a Bachmann rally comedy show. At the very least they'd be distracted and hopefully not flip out on us once they found out we're from Gay Ole Hopey Lovin' California.

  21. EatsBabyDingos

    What if two states both had laws that said they each had to go first? Would this be like dividing by zero, or is it more like a Star Trek episode where they cancel each other out in a universe ending mattter/anti-matter collision, never to be heard from again?

    I know which one I'm pulling for.

    1. SorosBot

      This is one of those issues that we cannot answer just yet, like what occurs inside a black hole's event horizon or the events of the earliest tiniest fractions of a second after the Big Bang, because it requires the synthesis of quantum mechanics and general relativity that physics has not yet discovered.

      1. EatsBabyDingos

        You will never be elected as a Republican with that kind of talk. Rick Perry says the Big Bang was when he dropped the soap in the shower at Aggieland.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Scientitsts told us we could never know what happened in the moments before the Big Bang — looks like they were wrong.

          1. Come here a minute

            Jesus Fucking Christ — "In the beginning there was nothing." — what part of "nothing" don't you understand?

  22. metamarcisf

    The solution is simple. Just have state primaries in alphabetical order. Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas…Wisconsin, Wyoming. There. Done and done. Hey Texas, you don't like it? Change your fucking name.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Although I think it would be cool if Texas changed it's name to Aarmadillo.

        Wouldn't that be a great bumper sticker? Don't Mess With Aarmadillo

  23. bureaucrap

    I don't know what all these states are complaining about. I already had my own "first-in-the-the-country" primary. All the Republican candidates lost. Hopey won against President Josiah Bartlet, but just by a hair.

  24. Oblios_Cap

    Just get Sharon Angle to visit NH and apply some Second Amendment Remedies. Those hillbillies will get the message and right quick.

  25. AJWjr.

    At our local Fall Festival in rural Nevada a couple of weeks ago, I was just cold chillin' with the Democrats in our booth, when a woman from the GOP booth across the way came over and handed over a stack of voter registration forms because the Democrats had run out. At least on a micro basis we can still get along, but fuck New Hampshire is what I'm trying to say.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Chances are there is still enough fissionable material in NV left over from the Trinity tests. NH better watch its ass.

  26. baconzgood

    Oh come on ass wipes. If you were my kids I'd tell you to settle this with a rock/paper/scissors off or go to your rooms and shut the fuck up! Daddy's trying to watch the hockey game!

  27. BlueStateLibel

    And all of this is for what – so Willard Romeny will evenutally win the primary, only so he can get hammered by Obama in the general election?

  28. paris biltong

    The Socialists here (in France) are having their nationwide primary these days, with the second round coming up Sunday. The refreshing thing about it is that all candidates agree on what to do (socialism) and it's coming down to a beauty contest between one short guy with warts and one somewhat overweight lady.

        1. proudgrampa

          Oh, come on, Lascaux. The states abdicated their responsibilities to their citizens long ago…

    1. Negropolis

      I so miss Segolene, though, I understand the French do not. I don't see how her former boyfriend is more popular than she is.

  29. Limeylizzie

    I care more about the crumbs, from some delicious Brent & Sam's Chocolate chip cookies , that have fallen down my bra and into the vast tract that is my cleavage and as I am on a plane I cannot just dive down there and shake them out.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Do I kick my woman out for eating crackers in bed? No I do not. In fact, I even help with the cleanup.

  30. PubOption

    Let the process play itself out. After a few more election cycles, the primaries will become so far advanced that some states will be committed to candidates who showed early promise but then faded, (such as Trump and Bachmann this year). It could also be possible that some candidates will not announce until after the first primaries. Once the system falls apart, something more sensible will have to be arranged.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Once the system falls apart, something more sensible will have to be arranged it will be replaced by something even more ludicrous and incomprehensible.


  31. JustPixelz

    What's the problem? Let's just ask Herman Cain — currently ahead in the polls — when they should have the primary. His answer will probably be September 9th, 2009.

  32. musesdarling

    Can the primaries just *all* happen on the same goddamn fucking day, please?? Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ…

    1. hebmskebm

      But wait, that would more than likely lead to a cluster fuck where no candidate has more than like 27% of the delegates and would set off a massive poo-flinging fight on the floor of the GOP Convention on national television—

      On second thought, GREAT IDEA!!!

  33. Allmighty_Manos

    I would find this highly problematic if not for the fact that I don't really give a flying fuck about GOP presidential primary dates. They could pick their candidate by throwing darts on the wall and it wouldn't change much.

    1. AJWjr.

      I'd prefer they throw the darts at one another. In fact, I think that's an excellent format for their next "debate".

  34. SorosBot

    Nevada's letting it all ride on an early primary, come on baby, this'll be a winner for sure, then it'll be able to get a new education system and pay all those outstanding bonds, the payoff will be huge if it just wins this one primary fight.

  35. tihond

    Under the legendary Supreme Court decision of Plessy vs. Whatever Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas, aren't we legally required to ignore Nevada?

  36. Guppy06

    Simple solution: Since both parties are now flush with corporate money thanks to Citizens United, they can pay for their own fucking primaries and not involve the state governments at all.

    Where's your fiscal responsibility now, bitches?

  37. powersuit

    Early December? Early January? Look forward to constant commercials for "Christmas with the Cains"–Herman with a Bible in one hand; Mrs. Cain in her finest Christmas sweater, "wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas". Maybe Herman will put on a Christmas sweater, too. Good times ahead!

      1. powersuit

        Yes. The applique baby Jesus is holding a copy of Beck's latest book; the elephant looks on adoringly and the donkey is dead.

  38. Redhead

    It's like those videos you see on the news the night after Thanksgiving, of all the fat people elbowing each other, trying to squeeze through the doors at Walmart at 12:01 am to be the first to buy a knockoff Wii for $5.99. But better.

  39. mourningnmerica

    The whole affair reminds me of everyone on the Titanic fighting for who should get the tickets to sit at the Captain's table tomorrow night.

  40. OneYieldRegular

    I really don't understand why one of these states doesn't just go all out and hold its primary before the last election.

  41. HedonismBot

    Weren't Florida and Michigan disenfranchised of their primary votes during 2008's Democratic primary election because they pulled these stunts then also? Maybe the Florida GOP will be disenfranchised this time around because of this hanky panky. Boo-freakin-hoo. If America's looniest state has no say in the process, I think we all can only benefit.
    And by the way, New Hampshire, you know that state law that says you must hold the first primary in the nation? That's your law. That's not federal law. The rest of the country is not obligated to follow it.

  42. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I've decided that anything that makes Herman Cain the winner deserves our full support.

    Can you imagine the exploding heads among the racist-bagger crowd, if both major candidates are black guys? An independent white candidate would be inevitable, and I think I know who's going to lose a shitload of votes to that campaign.

    1. chicken_thief

      Triple jeopardy for the old GOP-er – not only is the fucker Cain blue black, but he also wants to end SS and Medicare. Or they can vote for the mocha black commie nazi Kenyan that they've blamed everything on for the past three years.

      Now that I think about it, there could be a third possibility – President Ralph Nader, if he's giving it another go. Or the Wasilla Grifter?! Could this be her master plan?!!!

  43. owhatever

    Shrewd move by the candidates, who are tired of freezing their mcnuggets off in New Hampshire in January. Florida: Warm. Nevada: Warm. New Hampshire: Not so much.

  44. FuzzyPlushroom

    That reminds me, as a New Hampshire resident I suppose I'd better go make sure I'm registered as unaffiliated so I can vote for the most-reasonable Republican candidates.

    Also, I've visited Nevada. I wouldn't go so far as to call the entire state a 'syphilitic hobo', but I'm pretty sure I saw a few. Okay, several. Maybe that's just Las Vegas.

  45. Bots Meat Commission

    Imagine if all the states held their primaries on the same day!

    Everyone would die, obviously. Crazy idea. I'll shut up now.

  46. ttommyunger

    Meanwhile, Kentuckians are frantically trying to beat them all to the punch by setting the election for November 31st, 2011.

  47. Negropolis

    Is New Hampshire gonna' have to cut a bitch?

    Is this like when the wimmenz argue over who's going to wear what to where?

Comments are closed.