BLAME YOURSELF  7:14 pm October 12, 2011

999/666 Comical Character Herman Cain LEADING Republican Race

by Wonkette Jr.

How did we get this picture? We google-image searched 'Shit Pizza.' Try it yourself!He likes the Federal Reserve, still worships Alan Greenspan, took jobs away from tens of thousands of American working people, and wants to not only keep the hated Tax System but has new ideas for adding new federal taxes. Who is this pizza goblin? Herman Cain! For Republicans who’ve steadfastly “battled racism” by calling Barack Obama a “Lyin’ African” and mass emailing those “White House watermelon farm” pictures and yelling the N-word at civil rights hero John Lewis, there is something else about Herman Cain: Herman Cain is also technically a black person, which negates every anti-Tea Party fringe-right thing about him. He’s one of them, haw haw, call us racist now! And as of today, following last night’s delightfully unhinged table tennis debate, Herman Cain is the frontrunner in the GOP “race” for somebody to run against Obama.

You knew Herman was zooming to the top of a remarkable heap last night when Nutbar Michele Bachmann went nuclear and called him a Satanist. And now, according to some poll in some Murdoch capitalist-kleptocracy propaganda sheet that will be lucky to survive the year, The Godfather of Slashing Jobs and Crushing Dreams is ahead (by a few points) of Mitt “Poor Little Rich Boy” Romney, the unloved Martian Demon Worshiper from Moneyland.

But the Reuters poll says Romney is still the frontrunner, so never mind! And Ron Paul is in third place. GO RON PAUL! [NBC/WSJ Poll/Reuters]

 
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{ 236 comments }

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Cream rises to the top.

"Nah-yun, nah-yun, nah-yun! Jobs, jobs, jobs!"

"Yo reasonin is INcorrect!"

This guy is gonna be so much fun before he flames out into obscurity. He already sounds amped well past the tolerance of what his breakers can handle. Wait'll some vicious and hostile NYT reporter like Elizabeth Bumiller starts to give him the "New York treatment."

weejee October 12, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Even more, wait 'til he gets Wagged by Riley. That'll be a tail tale.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 7:28 pm

You'll make any pun, won't you? Admirable!

weejee October 12, 2011 at 7:34 pm

I had shame surgically removed years ago.

emmelemm October 12, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Did health insurance cover that?

bumfug October 12, 2011 at 8:02 pm

"Cream rises to the top"?

More like "Shit floats".

schvitzatura October 13, 2011 at 4:03 am

999 and 44/100% pure!

Dashboard_Jesus October 13, 2011 at 1:20 pm

you know who else said NEIN, NEIN, NEIN?!?! http://www.addictinginfo.org/2011/09/25/herman-ca

Crank_Tango October 12, 2011 at 7:20 pm

For a party that hates affirmative action so bad, they seem to love affirmative action. Weird.

Tundra Grifter October 12, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Remember who the GNoP imported into Illinois to run against Mr. Obama – Alan Keyes.

You got a Black guy. Hey – we got a Black guy!

neiltheblaze October 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

Let's not forget Michael Steele. He only got his RNC gig to prove Republicans we somehow not a bunch of sheet-wearing racist cretins – which, of course, is what they actually are.

OneDollarJuana October 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Well, they also hate the ghey. And who has the most out-of-the-closet scandals?

And they hate the abortion. But which states have the highest abortion levels?

And they say they're the most moral. But which states buy the most pron?

DustBowlBlues October 12, 2011 at 10:24 pm

And where are divorce rates the highest?

MilwaukeeKent October 12, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Highest divorce rate, lowest literacy, the list goes on and on. Them loyal Red States are also most likely to be wards of the federal government, taking more money from the Feds than they pay in taxes as a whole.
Tips of the hat to Georgia and Alabama:
"Now, how do we get our crops to rot in the field?"
"Got an idea, let's chase out all the brown-skinned people."
"Sounds good, get 'er done."

Dashboard_Jesus October 13, 2011 at 12:05 am

well said, but that's "GIT 'er done" (gotta use the *correct* redneck/ moron pronunciation :)

MilwaukeeKent October 13, 2011 at 12:51 am

Stand corrected. I now got Git!

glamourdammerung October 12, 2011 at 11:31 pm

They also have the most murders.

SayItWithWookies October 12, 2011 at 9:31 pm

They believe, per the example of Clarence Thomas f'rinstance, that if they can use affirmative action to get to a position where they can dismantle affirmative action then that's a perfectly legitimate strategy.
Which makes sense to a point — but they take it too far when they assume that anyone who voted for Hillary will naturally be inclined to vote for Sarah Palin. Then they're projecting a shallowness on their adversaries that isn't there.

LetUsBray October 12, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Hey, there may be about 14 African-American Republicans in the whole country, and every single one of them may have his own talk show, syndicated column, presidential candidacy, or seat on the supreme court, but if you notice that, why then, you're the REAL racist.

DustBowlBlues October 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm

My theory on black Republics exactly. There's too much competition to be important in the Democratic party, where we have so many minorities you have to actually be talented and smart to get to the top. Talentless, dumb black folks with ambition and no integrity and can be important in no time among the racists in the Republic party.

FlownOver October 12, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Ditto comedians. See, e.g., Dennis Miller and/or Victoria Jackson.

nonbeliever7 October 13, 2011 at 7:40 am

Jackson's a comedian? Can't be.

snarkycomments October 12, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Clarence Thomas is busily writing a withering rebuttal to your comment.

flamingpdog October 13, 2011 at 12:21 am

Scalia is dictating it to him.

nonbeliever7 October 13, 2011 at 7:40 am

While getting a BJ from Mrs. Thomas. It's all part of the deal.

Blueb4sunrise October 12, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Chitterlings Pizza?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Read the alt-text. But don't do what it says.

Blueb4sunrise October 12, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Which?
Google?
or
Shit Pizza?

e_z October 12, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Nein! Nein! Nein!

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I know, I know *waving hand furiously*, Deutschen fraulein in the Spring of '45.

OneDollarJuana October 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Shelly cries back, "Sex, Sex, Sex!"

memzilla October 12, 2011 at 11:22 pm

I have decoded "9-9-9."

Take 9/11, and add 88, the number of keys in a piano.

Rudy Giuliani + Alan Keyes = Herman Cain!

imissopus October 13, 2011 at 12:12 am

That is fucking genius.

Negropolis October 13, 2011 at 7:39 am

Needz moar Glenn Beck chalkboard.

schvitzatura October 13, 2011 at 4:04 am

Nyan! Nyan! Nyan!

Dashboard_Jesus October 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm

excellent, didn't take long either…you know who ELSE said "nein, nein, nein!"? http://www.addictinginfo.org/2011/09/25/herman-ca

Arken October 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm

And yet this is all he did during the debate…
http://i.imgur.com/CDjCZ.png

HobbesEvilTwin October 12, 2011 at 8:23 pm

he held giant panty shields to his face?

Arken October 12, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Actually, it's his solution for making the country more dough.

snackypants October 12, 2011 at 11:57 pm

That dough is made of ground up hobo beans.

Arken October 13, 2011 at 12:00 am

So is Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan.

flamingpdog October 13, 2011 at 12:27 am

That dough is made of ground up hobos.

/corrected

SOYLENT BEAN IS HOBOS!!1!

Monsieur_Grumpe October 12, 2011 at 7:28 pm

The picture looks like Pizza the Hut from Space Balls which is a Mel Brooks movie. Not his best but not his worst.

Arken October 12, 2011 at 7:30 pm

That's not a very nice thing to say about that lovely portrait of Herb Man Cain.

KathrynSane October 12, 2011 at 7:50 pm

It's no Blazing Saddles, that's for sure.

Nothingisamiss October 12, 2011 at 10:19 pm

What was his worst, then? SOrry, Spaceballs is it, man….

mannacler October 13, 2011 at 8:08 am

Robin Hood–Men in Tights.

Arken October 13, 2011 at 9:56 am

Dracula- Dead and Loving It.

Even worse than the Robin Hood one.

Allmighty_Manos October 13, 2011 at 8:49 am

I thought it was hilarious when I was 8. Didn't exactly age well.

x111e7thst October 12, 2011 at 7:30 pm

All I need to know about Herman is what flavor of S&M he is into.

Arken October 12, 2011 at 7:33 pm

I don't know, but I hear if you want a gimp mask, it's an extra 50 cents.

4TheTurnstiles October 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Simple tastes: first some pegging and after a slice of the pepperoni in his pie hole

weejee October 12, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Maybe Hermie can show he's a real Godfather and take out Mittens, the supposedly competent one. Is this the genesis of a Cain slays able redo?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Imagine you're a fundamentalist Christian, and a bigot — but I repeat myself. You can't vote for the colored man because look what happened last time, do I have to say more? But you can't vote for Mitt because his superstitions aren't as old as yours. Plus you have no idea of all the great music, art, architecture and literature that have been created to honor your own deity, so you just accept the Ten Commandments as a set of rules like Boyle's Law or the ten postulates of Euclidean geometry. In other words your faith hasn't ever confronted doubt because you literally don't know enough to have any doubts. Which chad are you going to poke out, I ask you? Is this what doubt feels like? Ambiguity — it hurts! Ow! Mommy! Make it stop!

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Victory!

weejee October 12, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Ideally, you'll have to ingest more Wonkette to overcome your fugacity.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 8:00 pm

How many mho siemens will that take?

bikerlaureate October 12, 2011 at 7:56 pm

All the paragons of principled behavior will effectively bypass the amoral election by voting for a staunch pro-life fanatic… whether or not s/he's a nominee. To do anything less would be "lukewarm".

Jukesgrrl October 12, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Which Chad? Why the rent-boy, luggage-handler, wide-stance Chad, of course. Are there any others?

weejee October 12, 2011 at 8:07 pm

The one with the most hanging, obvs.

zhubajie October 13, 2011 at 9:45 am

Go for the Muslim-hater!

JackObin October 12, 2011 at 7:33 pm

He's a bigger Oreo cookie than Eldrick Woods.

JustPixelz October 12, 2011 at 8:03 pm

You forget Ron Christie

Beowoof October 12, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Oreo really is a compliment for this guy. He is just the white creamy stuffing without the chocolate cookie.

the_problem_child October 12, 2011 at 9:12 pm

That's not real chocolate anyway.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:13 am

But not bigger than Clarence. Clarence is double stuffed.

Chet Kincaid October 13, 2011 at 10:28 am

Eldrick Woods is a World Class Pussy Hound, which is what the majority of American men would be if given license, means and cover.

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 12:13 am

Yes, but only a World Class Pussy Hound for white meat, apparently. I guess everyone has a preference, but damn, let's be more equal opportunity in our vices. lol

Callyson October 12, 2011 at 7:33 pm

He likes the Federal Reserve, still worships Alan Greenspan…Ron Paul is in third place.
If history repeats itself, the Fed and Bernanke better look out:
Arizona Senator John McCain, the eventual nominee, was in third place in October 2007

Rufus King October 12, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Classic Alinsky attack–use ridicule because it is very hard to fight back against. Fortunately, nobody in the GOP electorate cares what you think and when it comes to the general election, you will have to figure out how to defend four years of Obama. Good luck with that one!

Pres.Libunatic October 12, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Cain/Pepperoni, Mushrooms, and Half Anchovies '12!

BarackMyWorld October 12, 2011 at 7:40 pm

This is good news…for Barack Hussein.

BTWBFDIMHO October 12, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Indeed, would they vote for the black guy or for the half-black one?

starfanglednut October 13, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Teh demoncrap is whiter thanteh god fearing republican!

^sound of tiny brains exploding

iburl October 13, 2011 at 12:03 am

…and Hermic Cain.

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Cain's still not beating the Subway FIVE dollar footlong or the Domino's 5-5-5 three medium carryout special. FOUR FOUR FOUR is my best and final offer.

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I'd rather eat Chucky Disease's pizza than that cardboard, ketchup and glue gruel he was dishing out.

Radiotherapy October 12, 2011 at 6:40 pm

For some reason I don't see a campaign visit to Uncle Tom's Pizzeria.

Beowoof October 12, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I think you meant that was Uncle Tom delivering a pizza.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Mooroopna? Seriously?

Fuckin' stupid Canadian Bacons.

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 11:50 pm

It was that or Uncle Tomy's Pizzeria in Necrophiladelphia.

OneYieldRegular October 12, 2011 at 7:42 pm

I want to see a Wonkette video of that pro-Hillary hillbilly lady from 2008 drunkenly ranting about how Herman Cain's name contains the name "CAIN! Not Abel, but CAIN! His naaame is CAIN, people! And it also rhymes with HUSSEIN!"

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Talk about the separation of powers in the post-racial federal gubmint: Clarence Thomas, SCOTUS, Allen West, Congressman and Crappy Pizza King, POTUS.

Limeylizzie October 12, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Mormon/Real Black Man 2012

bikerlaureate October 12, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Yep. They can both be for Gubmint creating lots of jobs and being unable to create a single job. Simultaneously. Even though we unemployed shitstains deserve what we got. Or don't got. Amen.

Tommmcattt October 12, 2011 at 7:48 pm

It's looking better for the Democrats all the time, isn't it? A black man on the ticket for the Party of Racism means low Repug turnout…means we get some of the house back and keep the senate…means Barry might get enough time to pull the country out of this mess after all….

FakaktaSouth October 12, 2011 at 8:49 pm

If it could be Romney/Cain or Cain/Romney or however, every "identity politics" idiot I know down below MasonDixon will be so twisted up with the Mormon/Black thing, it will just be delicious. The Perry Preacher Guy is pretty damned representative of a ton of these folks. Once they know they have the choice of a guy who thinks Jesus was in America and turned the Indians brown – and an actual brown – well, it's just beautiful to think about.

iburl October 13, 2011 at 12:06 am

But he may appeal to the base more because of his insane hatred of muslims.

Chet Kincaid October 13, 2011 at 10:36 am

Everybody has already forgotten that he walked that back publicly a couple months ago, and then his white base started calling him a traitor.

starfanglednut October 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm

please, please, please

WhatTheHeck October 12, 2011 at 7:50 pm

In the annals of American history, there have never been so many candidates desired by so few. Cain is, as we say, a place-holder candidate. The joke’s on him, but he’s not getting the punch line.

Geminisunmars October 12, 2011 at 8:08 pm

But the book sales are brisk.

Generation[redacted] October 13, 2011 at 12:12 am

Huh huh. You sayd anals.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Who's the black Repub dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
CAIN!
Ya damn right!

Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
CAIN!
Can you dig it?

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
CAIN!
Right On!

They say this cat Cain is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout CAIN.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but his woman
HERB CAIN!

PubOption October 12, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Who will get the Shaft?

Generation[redacted] October 13, 2011 at 12:08 am

All of us, Katie.

Chet Kincaid October 13, 2011 at 10:38 am

I don't get it.

Dashboard_Jesus October 13, 2011 at 1:17 pm

needs more SHAFT!

FakaktaSouth October 12, 2011 at 8:04 pm

The guy was born in 1945. He was WAY AWARE of the…shall we say…lack of rights held by black people and the fight for simple recognition by their country. (you know, like the black AND white kids who were MURDERED for their efforts in the voting rights struggle) The fact that he has spent so much time being the black Haley Barbour, talking about how the civil rights "era" really wasn't so bad, and how keeping your head down and not causing no trouble meant there wdn't be no trouble is the most evil and also fairly heartbreaking thing I have ever heard in my life. It's apparently working for him though. Makes me kind of queasy.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 8:31 pm

It makes white people comfortable. He's not like those trouble-making Negroes, always stirring things up. Listen to them out in the fields, singing their Negro spirituals as they harvest the cotton — do they sound unhappy?

FakaktaSouth October 12, 2011 at 8:44 pm

I imagine it fits the narrative of "ANY problems black (or poor, or gay or whatever nowadays) people have, they have brought upon themselves, and absolves whitey of all guilt." That kind of asinine bullshit, particularly from someone who KNOWS it is bullshit, makes me pretty fucking cranky and impatient.

snoopyfan2010 October 12, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Well get ready because the new generation of voters are buying into this stuff like it is the truth.

glamourdammerung October 12, 2011 at 11:39 pm

I guess that explains everyone being so pissy about Jeremiah Wright bringing up the fact that black folks have historical had it kind of rough here yet does not explain how the same clowns then whine about Byrd being in the KKK back in the early 1940s. One would think that conservatism depends on being willfully, aggressively stupid.

Negropolis October 13, 2011 at 1:12 am

This is really the central problem of the Republican Party. They see the lack of wealth and/or the lack of trying to obtain all the fucking money in the world nearly as a sin and moral failing. They honestly consider poverty a religious curse, just about.

So, yeah, you couple that with someone that show really know better, and it's a mix of scary, pitiful and downright sad. The scary part in particular is the part where they are eerily comfortable and proud of their ignorance and hate.

prommie October 13, 2011 at 10:40 am

This all stems from Calvinist protestant doctrine, which holds that material wealth in this world is a sign of one's predestined salvation. Yes, indeedy, Calvinist protestantism beleives that the wealthy are morally superior, they have been blessed by GOD himself because they are GOOD. Not because they necessarily worked hard, saved, and invested, but because they HAVE FAITH (good works not being required). Conversely, the poor are poor, and the enslaved enslaved, because they are predestined for damnation. So you see, how can you possibly have any moral obligation to help those whom GOD has predestined to damnation for their wickedness? It would be wrong to oppose GOD's plan for them.

FakaktaSouth October 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

H-F-S, so all these bitches at the club are Calvinist cunts all the while thinking they they are Baptists. Huh. Well, lucky me, I get to be an almost-atheist (don't have the conviction for anything but derision) with an attitude AND cash I don't work for. Ta-da!
Humans are neat-o.

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 12:17 am

I think you heard wrong about Calvinist. They are some of the most austere, stripped-down, and unadorned of the Protestant denominations. I live just west of their bastion in West Michigan, and one good thing I can say about the Calvinist is that they are far less hypocritical than, say, the audacious Baptist down South.

Negropolis October 12, 2011 at 9:58 pm

You know, I agree with the commentary that if all he ever did was tell his life story and simply say that the positions he took worked for him, I'd disagree with him, but I'd respect him.

Where he has totally gone off the rails and offended just about every fair-minded person alive is his near-vocal disdain for what the civil rights movement allowed him to become. Calling the same peple that allowed him to even be up there spouting that bullshit "brainwashed" is beyond reprehensible.

Let me be blunt, his dog-and-pony is more insidious, more destructive, more dangerous than the Klan, hands down. I'd trust a man that stabbed me in the front any day over the man that stabs me in the back. I don't care that he's a Republican; I care that he's doesn't believe in a thing called society or even believe much in the concept of humanity.

Cain can go fuck himself, the ungrateful, undeserving dick.

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 11:13 pm

This Oreo already gave himself away before professional handlers got hold of him. His early rants against Muslims are on videotape and can't be erased. He is a dyed in the wool "I got mine-Fuck You" Conservative, period.

Chet Kincaid October 13, 2011 at 9:45 am
Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Ron Paul is in third place.

Ron Paul is always in third place.

He is the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Republican politics.

DahBoner October 12, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Ron Paul is in third place first place, but that Lamestream Republican Media don't want ya to know about that.

//fixie

SayItWithWookies October 13, 2011 at 1:32 am

Ron Paul: Second most irrelevant Texan symbol of defeat, after the Alamo.

I wonder if that would fit on a bumper sticker.

glamourdammerung October 13, 2011 at 3:49 am

He is the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Republican politics.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hung out with neo-nazis?

mumbly_joe October 13, 2011 at 9:25 am

Presenting the King of England with a letter instructing him to execute the bearers of said letter, because they were betrayed by their paranoid, bipolar "friend", the Prince, is actually a pretty effective metaphor for libertarian politics, in general, I think.

zhubajie October 13, 2011 at 9:48 am

When Ron Paul is your best choice, you're in deep trouble!

Dashboard_Jesus October 13, 2011 at 1:18 pm

BEST. RON. PAUL. ANALOGY. EVER!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 8:12 pm

In the end, Mitt Romney will be the nominee, as that is what the party establishment wants.

In the end, no one will vote for him, because 95% of Republicans are pretty sure he is just Barack Obama with the inability to dunk or dance.

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 11:14 pm

The wacky 30% would vote for Charles Manson; just because Obama is a Democrat and he's near. Trust me on this one.

Sharkey October 12, 2011 at 8:14 pm

That is how you do alt-text.

I'm lookin at you, Kirsten.

LiveToServeYa October 12, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Noun-verb-999

DahBoner October 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm

999 = "We hold the world record in Jumping Jacks!!!!"

JustPixelz October 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm

His 999 plan would be the largest tax increase in history, in that the large number of people will pay more. They're just poor people, so it's their own fault.

Schmannnity October 12, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Surely Fred MacMurray and Van Johnson will oust Cain in a mutiny. I wonder if Herman has been saving strawberries for a special occasion.

drrty_martini October 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm

The LAST thing we need is a fucking Baptist minister in the White House.

Negropolis October 12, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I know, right? And they call Mormonism a cult. lol

Sharkey October 12, 2011 at 8:22 pm

And it's Sambo for the win!!

Clap, clap, clap.

comrad_darkness October 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Ugh. Sambo was an Indian. As in Dell customer support Indian. the original is here

Chet Kincaid October 13, 2011 at 10:40 am

What?

Sharkey October 13, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I feel somewhat ashamed of that drunken comment I made.It came from hatred of Republicans.If Sharkey offended Chet Kincaid, please accept my most sincere appollojay…On the other hand, Herman Sambo Cain is a muthafuckin secret weapon.

seppdecker October 12, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Papa John meets Uncle Tom

HobbesEvilTwin October 12, 2011 at 8:26 pm

wtf, was Alan Keyes unavailable this cycle?

flamingpdog October 13, 2011 at 12:41 am

He's taking a sabbatical inside Michele Bachmann's head this year.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 12, 2011 at 8:33 pm
rocktonsam October 12, 2011 at 8:35 pm

The Pizza is a near….

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:22 am

She Sheriff's a………… delivery Boy.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Off-topic but, hey, the 2nd amendment racked up a little more collateral damage today. Imagine, it's been two whole weeks since I had a reason to post this:

"Relax! Your paranoid political fantasies notwithstanding, no one's going to take your guns away! Barring some seismic realignment in this country, the gun control debate is all but settled–and your side won. The occasional horrific civilian massacre is just the price the rest of us have to pay. Over and over again, apparently."

Sparky the Wonder Penguin

Blueb4sunrise October 12, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Dok, I think I need medication. I clicked on the link and the first thing I thought about the photo was that 'hair, skin and nails' were the nicknames of the three officers.

emmelemm October 12, 2011 at 9:43 pm

That cartoon hurts me. CUZ IT'S TRUE.

Wasn't there a massacre in CA at a quarry this very week? Two within seven days? Oh well, just the price we have to pay. For our FREEDUMZ.

comrad_darkness October 12, 2011 at 10:27 pm

If only it were "occasional".

rahelio October 12, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I can see why Republicans dislike affirmative action. Since they always pick the dullest tool in the shed, they are understandably disappointed with the results. Also, they don't care how smart or articulate said minority (women, incl) is since they are merely place holders. Cain is getting just enough positive air time from the Rethugs to provide them with plausibly deniability. "Hey, I'm not racist, one of my best friends is Herman Cain!"

I'm sure it doesn't help that most of the smart minorities are Muslin-Loving Baby Killin' Socialist Nazis.

Chichikovovich October 12, 2011 at 9:07 pm

"Since they always pick the dullest tool in the shed"

Or rather – only the dullest tools in the shed pick them.

4TheTurnstiles October 12, 2011 at 9:03 pm

He's running for president of his book and publicity tour. This means he doesn't need a ground operation in Iowa or New Hampshire or any other real or fictional primary state (so he doesn't). He doesn't need to raise funds (and he isn't). He's doing the grift, and he's doing it without tits. It's an achievement.

Dashboard_Jesus October 13, 2011 at 1:25 pm

fucking WIN! of the day IMHO…I was waiting for SOMEONE in the media to point this out but evidently they're ALL in on the griftin" (see $istah $carah…it's easy to understand ignorant white males being caught up in their 'tits in the headlights' Palin fantasies/ circle jerks but WTF does Uncle Herman do for them?)

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Isn't Lincoln Chafee just darling?

"The appeal you have to make to the Republican primary audience — that's just alien to what's in our best interests as a country."

Mumbletypeg October 12, 2011 at 9:28 pm

About Mitt he says: "He's a completely different person (than the one courting national office)…“It’s the same thing I saw with John McCain, and I saw with George Pataki and with Rudy Giuliani.”

Well that partly explains the current ardor over whiz kid Cain. A contingent of voters falls into dozy love with a public persona and to heck with any durability of substance within. It takes root in shallow turf, as teenage crushes without benefit of mature wisdom often do, and soon it'll be loping off toward the next twinkly thing that exudes char-eez-ma.

SayItWithWookies October 13, 2011 at 12:29 am

Cain's appeal is as shallow as a creek — it's a function of how much he's not Mitt Romney times how much the teabaggers can project their own ideals onto him. Remember Chris Christie? Two minutes ago he was the tea party darling — 30 seconds ago he endorsed Mitt, and now he's a RINO traitor. Their vetting process lacks the discretion available to most 18-year-old girls going out for the first time with a fake ID.

Chichikovovich October 12, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I remember in the Lloyd Bentsen – Dan Quayle debate, Bentsen made a remark about the then-trendy idea that America was making a transition to a "service-based" economy. Bentsen said "We can't have a strong economy if all we're doing is delivering pizzas to one another."

To which Cain replies: "Oh yeah? Sez who?"

DerrickWildcat October 12, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I'm not sure America is ready for a Black President.

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I'm not sure America is ready for a Real Black Man President.
/fixed

comrad_darkness October 12, 2011 at 10:24 pm

It is true that one really cannot imagine Obama saying "Uzi uzi uzi beck beck beck is stan stan."

Chet Kincaid October 13, 2011 at 10:42 am

Real Black Man Libel.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:24 am

We may never know.

Chet Kincaid October 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

Barack certainly isn't one, since he hasn't eaten Boehner and raped his wife. What?! Liberals can't be racist!

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 8:00 pm

If I understand what you mean, and I think I do, you are doing your apologist-in-chief act again. Barry is a big coward. Clinton was way blacker than him.

I'm not asking him to rape Boehner's wife. And Chet, I'm sure you don't have to worry about Barry being too hard on Boehner. I'm just asking him to stop sucking Boehner's dick. Chet, I'm Sicilian, but I don't support other Sicilians, whether they are fuck ups or not, just because they are Sicilian. And don't use the word racist to me again. Capiche?

And stop sending me all of that "Free O.J." literature. And is it OK with you if I criticize Clarence Thomas? Or is he off base, too?

Antispandex October 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm

No need to worry, massuh aint going to let Hermie run fo no presinents job. Count down to Palin draft resolution in 3,2,1…

Dudleydidwrong October 12, 2011 at 9:50 pm

During the days of the First Slavery (prior to the Civil War) there were blacks who owned slaves. Herman would have been one of those owners and he would have sold down the river any who didn't hustle the pizza. Clarence Thomas, on the other hand, would have been a slave trader and would have kept Clarence in pizza delivery folks. They make a cute, cute couple.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:25 am

Clarence Thomas is a slave. Period.

fuflans October 12, 2011 at 9:55 pm

so i have been out for the family tragedy count and in the south (shuddering a little bit – though my in-laws are the only liberals in marietta). i landed at LAX tonight and michele bachman was screeching at me from the tv box.

can someone tell me why?

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Because that's what she calls speaking; and I beg to differ with you: my wife and I have lived in Marietta, Georgia since l980 and we are quite Liberal, thank you very much. Not very popular, but Liberal just the same.

fuflans October 12, 2011 at 11:38 pm

HA! i knew someone would answer! but i didn't know it would be my fav tt.

i should have…

i love marietta – my boy's family has been there since well, forever. i am a northern lass by way of LA but i bet we all know each other…

here is a thing: we went to that fab french bakery on powder something road (and 120?) before the funeral yesterday and it rocked.

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Sorry for your loss. Give a jingle next time you pass through and we'll buy you a coffee or some such. 404 372 9907, Tom and Melody Unger.

finallyhappy October 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Now everyone has your number(or is it really MARTA's info number?)

Beck_is_Trig October 12, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Okay…a comment and a question. First, I'd like to note that in the film "Birth of a Nation" there were characters of supposed blackness called "faithful souls" who literally spied for the KKK. Herman Cain represents the defictionalized version of this: since he's ostensibly black he can get away with saying the racist drivel wingnuts have been spamming online for decades with a safety, namely his skin color. Now, I had to review that film for a class and I recommend anyone with a love for the absurd comedy of that kind of worldview being presented straight…or you can save time and read free republic. __Now my question: okay, can anyone tell me why I have so much trouble with intensedebate? I have explorer 9 and for some reason every time I post a comment….it posts here but stays in this box then I cannot post another comment because it doesn't submit when I delete my previous comment. Is there anything I can do to stop this or fix the problem? Just curious….irritates me.

snoopyfan2010 October 12, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Beck, I sometimes have that problem too. The trick is to ignore the racists since there are a lot of very nice people left in America. Oh yeah and the comment thing can be fixed by clicking on cancel and starting over. At least that worked for me.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:30 am

Hmmm. Herman "Faithful Soul" Cain. I like it. I think I'll start using it, if I don't feel like using "Crazy Bread" on a given day.

Negropolis October 12, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Isn't this precious? They found the only black Republican in Atlanta; that's quite a feat.

Psst. You guys. The Republicans are losing…

Terry October 13, 2011 at 8:53 am

I think there are a few more black Republicans in the business school at Morehouse.

owhatever October 12, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Michele raises Herman one, and announces a ten-ten-ten policy to save America from ObamaRomaCare. The Rickerhead would go one even better, but ran out of fingers when counting the ways.

Beck_is_Trig October 12, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Also…Pizza Boy was an affirmative action appointment…he was GIVEN the job of CEO of Godfathers by its parent company Pillsbury (thank god I haven't eaten godfathers since 1990) and didn't have to earn anything. Kind of funny how that works, isn't it wingnuts? Everyone should have to EARN their way unless a giant corporation or the Supreme Court decides they should have a job they didn't earn in the first place? Anyway…Pizza Boy is beyond ridiculous. That Rush Limbaugh, the guy who ghost wrote "the Turner Diaries" calls him a "real black man" is just wingnut speak for "faithful soul" (to bring back my Birth of a Nation insult from earlier) is especially telling….the repugs should just elect that old fat pedobear Gingrich so we can throw tomatoes at him…at least that'll be fun and Tiffany's appreciates the free advertising too.

Dashboard_Jesus October 13, 2011 at 1:29 pm

sweet, who knew the Dough Boy had a pop n' fresh affirmative action, for the coloreds?

DahBoner October 12, 2011 at 10:11 pm

I bet PizzaGuy doesn't own 100 turtlenecks….

comrad_darkness October 12, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Wouldn't it be fun if Romney took some of Michele's little pills and started screaming at Herman, "You have the mark of Cain! You have the mark of Cain! My holy book says so!!"

Good times.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:24 pm

I have a fish in my refrigerator that's gonna last longer than Herman Cain's front-runner status.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:33 am

You have fish on your fuckin' kitchen counter-top that's gonna last longer than Herman Cain's front-runner status. On the fuckin' radiator…

user-of-owls October 13, 2011 at 6:48 pm

You're right. Instead of front-runner status, I should have said, "Ability to be recognized by a primary voter in a police lineup."

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I'll grant you the GOP field is "pretty crazy" – but in my humble opinion, "just not crazy enough"

What America needs is BASIL MARCEAUX!!!!

subsum October 12, 2011 at 11:39 pm

According to his videos on YouTube his name is "Basil Marceaux Dot Com" now.

snackypants October 13, 2011 at 12:15 am

Oh, thank you for reminding me of Basil Marceaux. I miss him.

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm

The problem with 999 is that any idiot can come along and go one better with an 888 plan. Then what?? 777??? 666 is not going to play, so we go to 555???

The smart money is on the person who devises the 111 plan, because you can't go any lower.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Not until we get a Mayan candidate, that is.

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Johnny, this shit, mixed with lube and other body fluids is well, they beat you to it.
Desperate much, Rick? Like a Santorum stain on white satin sheets, this fuzznuts will not go away.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:35 am

You know why Herman Cain is afraid of Michellllle Bachman? "Cause 777 888 999.

iburl October 12, 2011 at 10:40 pm

9-9-9 The Number of the Cain
—————————————-
Cigars blazed
and champagne flutes were raised
as they start to fly
Jetstreams to the sky
Hobos at night
the fires are burning bright
the scrounging has begun
Satan's pizza's done
9-9-9 the Number of the Cain
Sacrifice is going on tonight

snackypants October 13, 2011 at 12:16 am

I bow to your comment.

horsedreamer_1 October 13, 2011 at 7:40 am

The Bruce Dickinson?

Generation[redacted] October 13, 2011 at 10:07 am

needz moar cowbell

chascates October 12, 2011 at 10:47 pm

FINALLY! A black candidate that doesn't frighten we white people. AND offers coupons for XL and 'mega-meat' pizzas!

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 11:00 pm

OT, I'm sitting here waiting 3 hours for my IOS 5 update to download from Apple and I'm thinking – don't call me crass – what if Jobs had some sort of doomsday virus slipped into this update that zillions of people are simultaneously trying to download.

You know, the helicopter shots of everyone at Apple lying dead around the Cupertino campus after taking poisoned vanilla lattes; fanboys and fangirls (all in on the deal) going out in a blaze of glory by opening a window and jumping out at the same time; no support anywhere???

I mean what would happen if people couldn't get their blessed tweets and Farmville updates tomorrow morning???

Panic?

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 11:14 pm

The Lion King?

chascates October 12, 2011 at 11:18 pm

He always knew he was smarter than other people and wanted to change the world. And there was some quote from a Kurt Vonnegut book where a character said 'when I die the world ends". What a way to be remembered.

I just wish Apple would sell Macbook Pros and iPads for 1/2 price for a entire year to honor Steve.

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 11:26 pm

What slays me is all the TeaTards here in the Sovereign State of Dumfukistan singing the praises of Cain as if they thought he actually had a fucking prayer of getting the Nomination, much less the win. No one is supposed to catch on to the the fact that they are using this big racist cunt to beard their irrational hatred for that uppity Obama. They can almost forgive Cain for being black because he's old, fat, got cancer and prolly can't fuck anymore. Barry, on the other hand, no doubt has a dick MUCH bigger AND harder than theirs, a black hottie for a wife (one of their secret fantasy fucks) and to top it off, he is waaaay smarter than they ever dreamed of being. They are not in a happy place and I fucking love it.

mrblifil October 13, 2011 at 12:03 am

When Michael Steele, groomed as the anti-Obama went down, the call went far and wide for Bizarro Obama 2.0 and casting came up with…Cain. That would be like losing Tim Allen for the lead in your Xmas film and going with Drew Carey's uncle.

ttommyunger October 13, 2011 at 7:56 am

I like your mind. Prolly closer to the truth than we'll ever know.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:38 am

I agree, particularly about. FLOTUS. Those crackers are jerking off to her picture as we speak. They can't admit it, but they love a big, firm butt. And baby do got back.

ttommyunger October 13, 2011 at 7:57 am

Front ain't bad, either!

mrblifil October 12, 2011 at 11:49 pm

This is excellent news for John McCain.

iburl October 12, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Herman Cain's ad regarding healthcare for 9/11 heroes: http://failblog.org/2010/07/22/pizza-sign-fail/

stew1 October 13, 2011 at 6:35 am

It is now officially 9/9/9/11.

Generation[redacted] October 13, 2011 at 10:09 am

Does that mean we'e going to attack paki-paki-paki-stan?

Troglodeity October 13, 2011 at 12:38 am

Herman Cain the GOP nominee? What's a poor SkoalRebel to do?

BornInATrailer October 13, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Either way, inpeachment proceedings.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:41 am

If he doesn't get the nomination, he should blame himself. Fucking collaborator.

mourningnmerica October 13, 2011 at 12:42 am

On an unrelated subject, some Jews in the concentration camps ratted on other Jews for the Nazis.

Negropolis October 13, 2011 at 1:03 am

In other news, yeah, probably not the smartest example to bring up.

El Pinche October 13, 2011 at 1:13 am

BTW, Godfather's pizza was the worst pizza I've ever tasted. It was pizza sauce on 5 day old bread hermetically sealed by a one inch layer of dried elmer's glue.

DocChaos October 13, 2011 at 1:26 am

Mormon is the new Black. You can't choose your color, but you can choose your cult.

AddHomonym October 13, 2011 at 1:31 am

Herman Cain: Do it! (Does anyone remember that?)

Negropolis October 13, 2011 at 2:53 am

OT: But the occupation movements in Michigan are coming along better than I expected them to. Occupy Detroit's first planning meeting a few days ago was so popular that the church they were holding the meeting at wasn't large enough and the crowd poured out into a nearby park. The group will assemble at city hall on Friday, march up Woodward and occupy Grand Circus Park.

There is already about a dozen folks camped out in Reutter Park in downtown Lansing for Occupy Lansing on Saturday, and the city seems supportive:

Lansing police have waived the ordinance against camping in the parks for the group.

"Right now we're waiving it because we don't see any problems with us waiving it, but we're evaluating that on a daily basis," said Lansing police Lt. Noel Garcia. "We're monitoring their activity there to make sure they're in compliance with all other ordinances."

The city of Lansing has provided portable toilets and garbage cans for the group.

Occupy Kalamazoo drew hundreds to downtown Kalamazoo, which is a decent turnout for a small city.

More on the movement in Michigan:

They're occupying Detroit, Kalamazoo, Lansing and places in between.

The grassroots movement started on Wall Street that has spread across the nation is cropping up in scores of cities across Michigan.

Residents who say they are exasperated with America's corporate forces and income disparities demonstrated Wednesday near financial institutions in downtown Kalamazoo. Grand Rapids residents held their first march Tuesday, and daily marches are planned. On Friday, Detroit and Flint residents are planning "occupations" through sit-ins and protests — the same day President Barack Obama will be in Metro Detroit to tour auto plants.

And some are camping out at Reutter Park in preparation for the Lansing occupation on Saturday.

Diabeetis October 13, 2011 at 5:12 am

Has anyone noticed that his 9-9-9 tax plan is similar to the one on the SimCity game?

J Rbt. Oppenheiner October 13, 2011 at 8:11 am

I would pay good money to hear Herman Cain say "reticulating splines."

Diabeetis October 13, 2011 at 5:13 am

Another WSJ poll also has Cain trailing Obama by 11 points.

stew1 October 13, 2011 at 6:33 am

I want to hear more about "this guy in Cleveland" who is serving as Herm's financial adviser. I mean, if he can come up with something as catchy as The 999 Plan he's certainly qualified to run the Federal Reserve.

stew1 October 13, 2011 at 6:44 am

Didn't Ed Wood make a movie called "Plan 999 from Outer Space" while wearing women's clothing. There's stuff to work with here.

4TheTurnstiles October 13, 2011 at 8:48 am

OT but Post this one far and wide anyway: video of Romney and Ted Kennedy making out during the signing of "Romneycare." Remind the right why they hate Willard Romney so much… for the sake of Comedy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4iTtNGjFY4

Terry October 13, 2011 at 8:50 am

"And Ron Paul is in third place. GO RON PAUL!"

Just where do you want him to go? I have a few suggestions.

OccupyFnChicken October 13, 2011 at 9:14 am

I watched him nosedive himself in two debates. How the fuck did he make it alive out of this, and why the fuck is he on top?

tihond October 13, 2011 at 9:27 am

They're only backing Cain because when he picks Palin for his running mate, they'll just be able to cut off the Mc and reuse the 2008 bumper stickers.

J Rbt. Oppenheiner October 13, 2011 at 10:21 am

Speaking of which, did the Lady Grifter ever say she wasn't looking to be the VP? Just wondering.

proudgrampa October 13, 2011 at 10:23 am

I caught that sound bite where O'Bachmann turns 999 into 666 and I thought, "What the fuck??!!??"
The stupid just goes on and on…

And Why is Ron Paul always in third place? Hmmmm?

superdave October 13, 2011 at 10:24 am

Gah! That picture is even more disturbing than the belly butt dude.

MLite October 13, 2011 at 10:36 am

Tell him, Vinnie…

weejee October 13, 2011 at 10:38 am

OT

Dennis Ritchie's pointer has been cast to void *. C ya later.

proudgrampa October 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

printf("Goodbye, World!");

Dennis was a hero of mine, much more so than Jobs ever was.

SmutBoffin October 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

:^(

ShaveTheWhales October 13, 2011 at 12:54 pm

But, as pointed out in the boingboing comments, there are still references to him everywhere.

BornInATrailer October 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

McCain is Walnuts and now Cain has just effectively given himself the nickname Black Walnuts.

It's almost like he reads Wonkette.

proudgrampa October 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I move that we adopt the name Black Walnuts for Cain. It's perfect!

Walnuts / Black Walnuts 2012!!

SmutBoffin October 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

Sooooo…is this a Wonkett endorsement?

randomsausage October 13, 2011 at 3:17 pm

He'll come riding into the Republican Convention and only then will the Tea Party folks understand: "as chairman of our welcoming committee, it's my honor to extend a laurel and a hearty handshake to our new N-bbbboooooooooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggggg"

Franknflower October 13, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Who was that other black Republican? The hippity hop guy with the cute little dog?

LetUsBray October 12, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Well, since having that procedure is pretty much mandatory to reach the upper echelons of the health insurance industry, they would have to be flagrant, bald-faced hypocrites to deny coverage for it to customers.

So, no, they didn't.

prommie October 13, 2011 at 11:18 am

I'm a lapsed high-church episcopalian, at its high levels, a form of organized agnosticism, with cocktails, and rituals which include gossip, schism, and internecine warfare among Vestry factions. I am oozing with derision, but I wish I had more cash.

FakaktaSouth October 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

High five! I was "raised," married and then baptized 2/3 of my kids in the Episcopal church I don't ever go to! (which is why that third one is going to hell, I just can't seem to get off my ass and get her a banner and candle to put in the closet after they march her down the aisle with the acolytes). I do like the Bishop's hat though. And drinking. (and saying "and also with you" it's so nice to be included, but I hate hugging peace out with some folks) And this church is okay with the gays…today anyway…

prommie October 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

I was a vestryman and then chief warden, but then the congregation freaked out over the gay bishop and I Could Not Deal With The Haters, and have not been back.

ttommyunger October 13, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I'm aware of that, but really, who wants to call a 70 year-old man, an undertaker?

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