the goober king

Unimaginative Loser Joe Walsh Still Insists He Doesn’t Owe Child Support

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Douche chillllllll.Human feces clump media whore Congressman Joe Walsh lurvs the attentionz! Except when it is about how he is a terrible loser with regard to the actual people who depend on him, his children. Therefore, we will provide this Important Update on the ONGOING SAGA of “why is Joe Walsh such a deadbeat dad?” because that is the only thing he deserves to be known for. Here is some strained reasoning that Joe Walsh wants to share with us today, totally unnecessarily as far as anyone is concerned, except to give us another reason to laugh at him: Walsh now claims he didn’t pay $117,000 in back child support payments that he owes, because he and his wife reached a “verbal agreement” that he would stop sending money because he had none (after being elected to a six-figure salaried job in Congress).

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

In a court filing in December, a month after [Joe Walsh] was elected, [ex-wife Laura Walsh] said he stopped paying child support because, he told her, he didn’t have any money.

The congressman, in a court filing Thursday, says he wasn’t making much money, his ex-wife was making good money, and their kids were spending more time with him than with her.

As a result, he could have gone to court and sought a modification of his child-support obligations, though he didn’t take that official step, his attorney said in the court filing.

“He reasonably relied on Laura’s representations and conduct, to his detriment,” the court filing says.

Walsh said he and his wife decided not to formalize their “verbal agreement” in court because “Joe and his former wife were both tired of court appearances and the resulting emotional and financial impact on the family. Neither party had the financial or emotional wherewithal to continue the battle.”

Laura Walsh’s attorney denied that.

Sponsored Intermission

Ah, the old “I wasn’t spending much time with my kids, so I don’t owe them anything” argument. That’s the patented Joe Walsh classiness right there. He’s just been so busy, doing almost nothing in Congress! [Chicago Sun-Times]


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    A handshake isn't worth the paper it's written on.

    • MMathS

      (Wapner, J.)

    • weejee

      Silly Joe shoulda sent the missus an e-mail confirming their aggreasemunt.

      • DaRooster

        With a couple of Twit Pix.

    • OzoneTom

      Tell that to Texaco, Inc. v. Pennzoil, Co.

      • James Michael Curley

        You're good. I was involved in the previous attempt of MOB to acquire Getty. Got trips to LaLa Land where I always stayed at the Portofino and drove up the coast to spend twelve hours a day reading junk – then got back late one night after closing down the Roxy to find a phone message pulling the plug.

    • bikerlaureate

      Sure is a good thing she didn't "reasonably [rely] on [Joe]’s representations and conduct, to [her] detriment,”.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Note to Mr. Walsh: muttering "You'll get your child support money in hell, bitch" as you hang up the phone does not constitute a verbal agreement.

    • ifthethunderdontgetya

      I love Wonkette.

      All the legal advice I need, and at a price I can afford!

      • SayItWithWookies

        Just remember, I am not a lawyer. At least that's what the hospital attendants always tell me as they're dragging me out of the courtroom.

    • GOPCrusher

      Do you also represent mesothelioma cases?

      • emmelemm

        "Not licensed in your state."

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I've had clients that would disagree with you.

    • WunkRocker

      Mother.Fucker. I has a 5 figure gubmint job and the State still makes me pay so much that I often have to sell plasma to pay for my potted meat and crackers diet. Child Support Enforcement would have already tossed his congressional ass in jail down here. WTF?

  • weejee

    ♪♫ They say I'm lazy but it takes all my time
    Everybody says Oh yeah (Oh yeah)
    I keep on going guess I'll never know why
    Life's been good to me so far ♫♪

    • yrbmegr

      So, I guess the Eagles are breaking up, finally?

      Sorry, just had to.

  • emmelemm

    I hate this douchebag with the intensity of a thousand suns.

    • Limeylizzie

      Me too, he is my least favourite of the Teabugger Brigade.

    • fuflans

      well there's a whole passel of us who vote in IL who are trying to make sure the OTHER douche gets elected to this republican district – now that he's been redistricted out. (these are the times i love me some corrupt IL dems).

  • CapnFatback

    Verbal, schmerbal. It's Walsh's oral and anal agreements that worry me.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    My name is Joe
    I only got a government 'job'
    I owe $117,000
    I don't blame Wall Street…
    God Bless the USA

    • comrad_darkness

      He's got hisself a "gig". That's for sure.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Just another teabaggin' empowered coward.

  • memzilla

    Wife: "Joe, you owe the children over a hundred large in child support."

    Joe Walsh: "You Lie!"

  • Pragmatist2

    Ah, the well known strategy referred to oin the texts as "The Best Defense Is to Be a Complete Douche Bag."

    • MOG2410

      Hard to argue that one.

    • Isyaignert

      Truth is, the world is laid out for @ssholes. They fuk up everyone's lives and still, they get more rights that the folks they fukked with. 'tain't right; just 'tain't right.

  • justkillmenow

    The picture…that is all kinds of awesome right there.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I think I've seen this guy at a large sporting event.

      • Nostrildamus

        He'll be the opening act at the new Florida Bullet Dome.

  • fletc3her

    You'd think a congressman would understand that the court order which requires him to pay child support can't simply be voided by his ex ruefully agreeing that he's a dick.

  • Callyson

    This guy has had almost a whole year to think of an excuse and this is the best he can come up with?

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      "My dog ate the email."

    • Barrelhse

      And his attorney repeated it with a straight face?

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    Time for Deadbeat Congressman Walsh to have his paycheck garnished — not with a sprig of parsley, but with a a child support allotment. Luckily, the founding fathers foresaw this problem and made congresscritters immune to lawsuits while in session.

    • Tundra Grifter

      If Christine O'Donnell and Rick Santorum can live off campaign "contributions," why can't this jerk live on his salary?

      And if he can't be a Congressperson and meet his obligations on the wages from that activity, maybe – just maybe – it wasn't such a hot idea to run for Congress.

      Ya think?

  • CapnFatback

    The congressman, in a court filing Thursday, says he wasn’t making much money

    This–THIS–is precisely the mentality that prohibits the Dumb % from understanding what's happening on Wall Street and around the country today: "Hey, you think YOU got it bad? I only make six figures and have an ungrateful harpy and some mini-moochers to support."

    Eat a wheel of dickcheese, Walsh.

    • GOPCrusher

      "Eat a wheel of dickcheese" needs to go on a ribbon magnet.

      • comrad_darkness

        I actually find that toecheese is the least savory of human cheeses. Maybe it's just me.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Children are apparently NOT people.

    • Nostrildamus

      Hey man, it's not like they're zygotes or anything.

  • neiltheblaze

    Yes – another fine son of the Party of Personal Responsibility there.

  • Callyson

    Walsh said he and his wife decided not to formalize their “verbal agreement” in court because “Joe and his former wife were both tired of court appearances and the resulting emotional and financial impact on the family. Neither party had the financial or emotional wherewithal to continue the battle.”
    Whereas not paying child support had very little emotional and financial impact on the family…

    • emmelemm

      I hope someday his children hate him.

      • Chichikovovich

        I bet your wish comes true sooner than you think. Like maybe three years ago.

    • chicken_thief

      Not counting that his statement completely ignores the reality that he IS back in court. Clearly he should have consulted with the ex before including her in the "neither party had the financial or emotional wherewithal…."

      • Jukesgrrl

        I have a feeling his marriages have always been based on the wives saying one thing and Joe hearing something completely different and supremely self-serving.

    • fuflans


  • Barrelhse

    I bet he'd change that hairdo if only he knew how silly it makes him look.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Why do men wear backwards baseball caps?

      Because they think it makes them look smarter.

    • GOPCrusher

      Oh I don't know. It's when he is holding that John 3:16 sign at football games that makes him look silly.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    First, they should garnish this dirtbag's taxpayer-funded salary with interest. Then, they should castrate him with an amazing Ginsu knife.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Garnish his celery? How will he eat?

      • Not_So_Much

        Garnished celery? Maybe he could toss someone's salad?

        • Callyson

          He certainly makes me want to toss my lunch.

    • ThundercatHo

      I was thinking a rusty, dull chainsaw and no anethesia, natch.

    • zhubajie

      Remove *everything* in the process of making him a eunuch!

    • chicken_thief

      Like that fucker will ever get laid. Not being one, I can't really speak for the ladies, and I don't have any science to support this but, it seems that hosing your young 'uns is not the way to win a woman's heart. Or vag.

      • MOG2410

        Unless your a "more for me" kind of girl, probably the only type who would blow him.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Golly, I thought we were done with La Palin.

    • Nostrildamus

      they should castrate him with an amazing Ginsu knife

      I find your ideas intriguing and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • Fawkdifiknow

    He should move to Topeka so he could be more in his element, and beat the shit out of his ex, with impunity, for freedumb. Child support is socializmamizm. Tell them kids to get a job.

  • iburl

    …the old “I wasn’t spending much time with my kids, so I don’t owe them anything” argument.

    Actually I think he was saying the opposite…

    "their kids were spending more time with him than with her."

    So, it's the old "I'm buying the kids McDonalds more often, so we're even" defense.

  • SexySmurf

    You know who else doesn't recognize verbal agreements and was also involved in a long drawn out custody fight with a verbally abusive, deadbeat dick head?

    • FlownOver

      Terry Schiavo?

      [BAD FlownOver! Go to your room!]

      • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

        Because Bill Frist, although indisputably a dickhead of the first water, was probably not a deadbeat, as he got obscenely rich from health insurance.

    • zhubajie

      Mrs Newt Gingrich? The first one?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Ted Williams' frozen head?

    • Barrelhse

      My ex-wife?

    • Chillwaver

      Besides Hilter, you mean?

    • chicken_thief

      Tawd? Allegedly…

  • Chillwaver

    NPR played the fucking insufferable solo from "Hotel California" on my way to work the other day. God, I fucking hate this guy…

    • LesBontemps

      No no, it's "I hate the fucking Eagles."

    • ProudLibunatic

      God, I hate that song.
      (Everyone else seems to love it though, and they think I AM the weird one!)

      • BaldarTFlagass

        But the Gypsy Kings Spanish version is cool because it was in the Big Lebowski.

        • horsedreamer_1

          "You wanna get fucked, pendejo!?"

        • weejee

          FWIW, when Felder came up with the tune, his bandmates called Mexican reggae.

      • LetUsBray

        Naw, I like a lot of the Eagles' stuff, but that particular number is so over-rated that it sucks a significant quantity of ass.

    • Barrelhse

      Take out NPR, those fuckers.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Go listen to Ira Glass' Sex Tape. It will change your view of NPR, I guarantee it.

  • DaSandman

    Give me 15 minutes with him and me and my Dick Cheney Home Waterboarding kit.

    He 'll do anything we want him to…

    • Barrelhse

      Our new neighbor has a 7 yr kid learning to 'play' the drums, in case you can't get a waterboarding kit.

    • chicken_thief

      I've been looking every where for one of those here in Topeka and every goddamn store is sold out. I jes don't get it.

      • MOG2410

        They're the big toy for Christmas this year, in the red states.

  • HarryButtle

    Signed contract stating change in child support arrangements or GTFO.

  • Mumbletypeg

    Oh look it's the missing rodeo mascot from our beloved clown-humping debate-a-thons..

  • Generation[redacted]

    "So I told my wife, 'I has no monies' and she said, 'Fine, be that way.' And that's how we came to an agreement, your honor."

  • Not_So_Much

    Did he stand in an elevated position in a public place and shout "I declare bankruptcy!"? If so, pretty sure he's all good.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Boob implants. Totally worth it.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Didn't this twatwaffle claim first that he'd already paid? How in the name of every hell known to mankind is he not being charged with contempt of court right now?

    • LetUsBray

      IOKIYAR would be my guess.

  • meatlofer

    He never took them to Fairbanks, Alaska.

  • edgydrifter

    The Joe Walsh Excuse-o-Matic:

    A) The check is in the mail. On a totally unrelated note, let's kill the postal service.
    B) The dog ate my child support payments.
    C) God told me I don't owe anything.
    D) YOU LIE!!

  • snackypants

    "Human feces clump media whore" is how I want to be memorialized in print. Thanks for another gem, Kirsten!

  • GuanoFaucet

    Walsh should have just gone with the usual teabagger response to anything they don't like:

    "Show me where in the Constitution it mentions child support. You can't do it, can you?…Therefore I shouldn't have to pay a damn thing Your Honor."

  • MistaEko

    A tea party darling not understanding the most basic fundementals of how the judicial system works? Quelle shoque.

    • Slim_Pickins

      The ethical question for the teabaggers is "can I get away with it?"

  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    So Joe is saying he's not one of the 53%?

    Then throw his ass outta Congress, teabaggers!

  • ThundercatHo

    My favorite line from my dickwad ex, "If you make me pay child support then I won't have extra money for vacations and stuff." Joe Walsh should have his wages garnished and property seized and be staked outside naked for JesusWeen.

    • Barrelhse

      Then, on Nov.1, he should have his dick severed and shoved up his ass while someone cuts off his head and shits down his neck, followed by the usual flaying, drawing, and quartering, with his head then displayed on a pike in the square. Just a suggestion.

      • MOG2410

        Sounds complicated, does Martha Stewart have instructions?

      • AJWjr.

        He's just gotta hang on until October 21st.

        • Barrelhse

          OMG, since his "stroke", I must admit, I'd completely forgotten about Harold Camping. Thanks for that?

  • rocktonsam

    why should he have to pay?
    its not his fault his wife got knocked up 3 times.
    is this Amerika or not?

    • ChessieNefercat

      I have a friend whose ex explained to the judge that that he should only have to pay child support for the first two, as he had not really wanted #3 or #4. "She's the one that got pregnant."

      Judge essentially told him that his dick helped with the process and guess what, his dick got to share financial responsibility with her uterus.

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    ♪♫♪♬I get a salary of one-seventy-four
    My wife agreed! I can't support her no more.
    I live at C Street cuz I'm a good man;
    They'll kick me out now–was that always her plan?

    They call me deadbeat but she said it's okay!
    I'm just being a dude in the old-fashioned way.

    Life was good to me — thus far♪♬

  • DaRooster

    Sounds like he didn't want to pay his lawyer either… imagine.

  • Guppy06

    "the actual people who depend on him, his children."

    Children are only people until they're born.

  • donner_froh

    He makes $174,000 per year, gets $250,000 for office expenses and travel, works Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of each week when Congress is in session, zero days per week during the scheduled "district work periods" (extended vacations) and has $900,000 per year to hire his staff including blowjob assistants.

    And that harpy of an ex-wife expects him to pay something for the support of his kids?


    • emmelemm

      Blowjob assistants, you say?

      • Chichikovovich

        It's hard for him to deliver a truly top-notch blowjob by himself.

      • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

        It's in the Constitution. Or would be had I been there that summer in Philadelphia.

        • emmelemm

          The summer of '69?

          {Shit, I'll just save you the trouble and gong myself. GONG!}

          • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

            As the frock-coated, powder-wigged luminaries emerged from the Pennsylvania State House that hot night in 1787, a broadsheet reporter grabbed Benjamin Franklin and asked him, “What sort of government have you given us, Sir? A republic? A new confederation?”

            “A democracy, with oral sex for all* – if you can keep it,” said the great man.
            *Ben knew what women want.

    • ChessieNefercat

      In fairness, I would imagine that he would have to pay an awful lot for blowjobs.

  • DaRooster

    Are her pants on fire?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Petulant child, "I don't want to and you can't make me!" Yup that's him, judge.

  • Tundra Grifter

    OK – twenty bucks says he's banging an intern or his secretary. Or both.

    He just has that look…

    • Limeylizzie

      Looks like such a womanizer.

      • Tundra Grifter

        2L: If you saw that look over the top of a glass, would you get up and head for the door?

        • Limeylizzie

          Nowadays I would give him a foul look, in the late 80s, I would have gone home with him, I was a fool for that kind of wild Irishman .

    • Slim_Pickins

      Or Congressman Randy Hultgren, so Randy won't run oppose him in the GOP primary…

    • LetUsBray

      Oh, I'm guessing it costs him a lot more than twenty bucks.

  • Blueb4sunrise
  • chascates

    Didn't these same asshats pass some law stating that people who received federal money would have childcare taken out of their payments?

    • donner_froh

      Unfortunately (in this case) a congress critter is immune from lawsuits while in office so they can't attach his salary.

      They have a tough life.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Well. I am guessing that is not the reason he put on his campaign flyers. "Vote for me so the bitch can't come after me for child support."

      • DahBoner

        "Unfortunately (in this case) a congress critter is immune from lawsuits while in office…"


  • savethispatient

    That's a typically Republican sense of duty: I'm not seeing my kids much, so I don't have to pay for them. Like I'm not ill, I don't need to pay into Medicaid, or whichever "I don't do thing Y so I shouldn't have to pay tax X" you wish to pick.

  • HelmutNewton

    Typical teabagger grasp of economics: "The American people provide me with a six-figure salary, free health care and a generous pension. Therefore, I don't owe my ex-wife nothin'! I did it all on my own!"

    • ChessieNefercat

      The first time this dick brags about himself having "skin in the game" (revolting phrase), unlike the peasants working 40 hours a week for minimum wage, I hope someone rips the skin right off of him.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope this guy falls out of the spotlight soon, I think we (self included) have flogged all the appropriate and even not so appropriate Joe Walsh lyrics to fucking death here.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Can a male of the species be a cunt here in the USA? I know they can in the UK. Dozy cunts, even.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Sure, why not? If ever someone could be a dickish cunt, it would be him.

  • MrFizzy

    I'm sure the kids were happy they didn't have to spend any time with this turd.

  • x111e7thst

    Someone please dickpunch this dickweed.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Yeah, but the jar-fetuses in his rumpus room live like little kings.

  • WhatTheHeck

    If only these children were fetuses, then they would have some rights in the eyes of the family values crowd. But alas, they are mere humans.

  • Rotundo_

    Joe Walsh, pushing the envelope of the term Asshole beyond all limits previously conceived of. Gosh I hope someone in his district decides to run against this sack of coliform sludge and wins so he can return to selling used cars or real estate where he belongs.

  • AlaskaGrrl

    A sterling example of traditional (Republican) family values. And a douche-bag.

  • petehammer

    "As a result, he could have gone to court and sought a modification of his child-support obligations, though he didn’t take that official step"

    That would be the ONLY step you could take.

    "As a result, I could have taken the driving test and gotten my license in order to drive, though I didn't take that official step."

    "As a result, I could have gone to law school and passed the bar in order to become a lawyer, though I didn't take that official step."

    Let's not call it an "official" step. Let's call it the ONLY step. He relied on a quote-unquote verbal agreement to modify a $117,000 court order? Either he's a giant liar or incredibly dumb.

    Which one is it?

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Either he's a giant liar or incredibly dumb."

      "He's a giant liar and incredibly dumb."

  • hollywooddood

    Just support your kids, shitbag.

  • DahBoner

    But what does this have to do with the most pressing issues of the day?

    Such as, whether or not the Senatorfold from Taxachusetts wants to fingerbang Elizabeth Warren?


  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm confident we've had our last baby boomer president. Barry was born in the 60s and we usualy don't go backwards a generation for our presidents. Just ask Bob Dole.

    • LetUsBray

      Not usually, no. But a funny thing happened when Jimmy Carter ran against a doddering old imbecile. And by "funny", I mean endlessly nightmarish.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I have a feeling this freak will skate on every one of these serious charges. Then one day he'll be brought down for stealing a bag of stale Funyuns from a 7-Eleven. THAT, his constituents would take seriously.

  • Antispandex

    "…because, he told her, he didn’t have any money."

    Well, duh! Whores and dope aren't cheap!…I mean, that's what I've read. Not that I know for sure.

  • LowProfileinGA

    The Missus needs a new attorney.

  • characterfirst2

    His wife should sue him for slander. No intelligent individual would enter into a verbal support arrangement. Joe, you LIE.

  • fuflans

    teabag tool. how does it work?

  • Indiepalin

    Midnight Man's anal agreement with his ex-wife is not to be sneezed at. It's up there with 999.

  • comrad_darkness

    Good old Joe, still locking up that Values Voters vote.

  • ttommyunger

    Child support/Alimony= The fucking you get for the fucking you got. Man up, motherfucker!

  • Schmegeg

    Time for a contempt citation and the sound of the swinging door for Joe.

  • schvitzatura

    C. R. E. A. W. Get the money, dollar, dollar bill y'all!

  • Eve8Apples

    One fine day, Joe will be in poor health and will need his kids to place him in a care facility. I hope they find the most filthy, rat-infested hole staffed by the cruelest employees on the face of the earth. Karma is a bitch Joe.

  • outragedcitizen

    Just another example of how Rethugs do not give a fuck about children after their little heads emerge from the vagina.

  • Fuck_This

    hey, leave Joe alone. He's a good law abiding American citizen. It says nothing about child support in the Constitution. These kids …er freeloaders, need to get jobs like everyone else? Always looking for a handout. Are we a socialist country now?