MITT'S SAD SECRETS  1:32 pm October 12, 2011

What’s the Mystery Thing In the Painting In the Mitt Romney Portrait?

by Wonkette Jr.

It is just a regular dude having sex with a werewolf under a sheet.Your former editor Juli Weiner has an Important Article at Vanity Fair about Mitt Romney’s strange Official Portrait from when he was the socialist governor of Taxachusetts. For all of his money and all of his calculated lust for public life, Romney acts like he was sewn into the wrong body — a characteristic that is perfectly captured by his wooden pose and mannequin stare in this official painting. But what is in the painting within the painting? What is that? Perhaps it’s something that could motivate the wingnut GOP “base.”

Juli Weiner notes many terrible things about this picture, such as the health care legislation proudly displayed in front of both the American Flag and the picture of the little girl from the toilet paper ads. And it is suggested that the mysterious “painting within a painting” might be a painting of a little painter painting something else, perhaps a sailboat. Way too Martha’s Vineyard, if you know what we mean!

The only way Mitt can “energize the teabagger idiots” is to convincingly get behind something the wingnut mob loves, like torturing Muslims or lynching black people. This is why we humbly suggest that the painting in Mitt’s portrait actually celebrates either the Ku Klux Klan or the infamous “tortured hooded guy” in the Abu Ghraib photographs.

But considering Mitt’s luck, the mysterious thing in the portrait of the poor little rich boy will probably end up being some Masonic Mormon Ritual involving a guy wearing a Peaked Cultist Robe and doing some kind of initiation ritual like jacking off on a strangled rabbit. And that’s just not Christian, and this is a Christian Nation! [Vanity Fair]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 127 comments }

nounverb911 October 12, 2011 at 1:34 pm

His magic underwear hanging on the laundry line?

RedneckMuslin October 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Yes, it has to be underwear. It is not a picture but a window. Or it could be the KKK rally starting but probably underwear.

An_Outhouse October 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I was thinking that its Joseph Smith's cum encrusted hanky, but , no I think you're right. It magic underwear.

Callyson October 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm

It looks as if Mittens is thinking "Guess who I've got under the desk here?"

teebob2000 October 12, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Or, guess WHAT I've got…

edgydrifter October 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm

That's the specter of Obamacare looming over his shoulder there.

Allmighty_Manos October 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm

It's the Kraken, which Romney would unleash time to time when he was governor to destroy those who mocked and disobeyed him.

hagajim October 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm

What's wrong with this painting? Mittens is in it – that's what's wrong with this fucking painting.

Ancient_Hacker October 12, 2011 at 2:44 pm

good lord, it looks like Reggie Perrin's dentist painted that.

The head is about 25% too large for that body, and would it hurt to not emphasize the jowls? Is he trying to look Nixonesque?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Given that it's Massachusetts, my money would be on Winslow Homer. But that would not be funny or snarky.

Oblios_Cap October 12, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Does Winslow Homer say "D'oh!" with a New England accent?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Actually he's saying "Door" but it comes out "Do-ah."

Terry October 12, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Yeah, it'd be so odd for the Bay State to have a watercolor of a sailboat or sailing ship in an official portrait.

hagajim October 12, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Its the Angel Moroni and the golden tablets.

Maman October 12, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Gentiles trying to surrender during the Mountain Meadows massacre?

Trannysurprise October 12, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I'm pretty sure that's a scene from under the Dick Dock in Ptown.

Mitt you sneaky boy!

Pragmatist2 October 12, 2011 at 1:37 pm

It's the Cloak of Invisibility so people won't see what a raging hypocrite he is.

Dr_Zoidberg October 12, 2011 at 1:37 pm

It's a ghost! Proof positive of the paranormal!

fletc3her October 12, 2011 at 1:38 pm

It's middle earth and Mittens is the world's tallest hobbit.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Also, 48-star flag (no Texas or Alaska, thank you Rick and Sarah!)

Moonbatting Average October 12, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Monet's "Sachet de Thé"

nounverb911 October 12, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Dick Armey's "Sachet de Thé"?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Count de Tax Monet?

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 2:04 pm

God, I wish I could give your more upfists! I spilled my martini on that one!

Your talents are under-recognized, here.

paris biltong October 12, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Degas' "Dégats collatéraux"?

nounverb911 October 12, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Harvey the Pooka?

Sharkey October 12, 2011 at 1:39 pm

It's a mountain of blow.

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I actually laughed out loud at this one! Well done, sir!

jus_wonderin October 12, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Yes, I now have carrots and ranch dressing on my monitor. But, the pattern is pleasing.

Chillwaver October 12, 2011 at 1:39 pm

It looks like a Monet-esque depiction of Joseph Smith's sexy time tent:

"And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple"

The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 2:6

Mumbletypeg October 12, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I was with the Vanity Fair piece — "god Bless our former Wonkette maestr-oh's & -ah's," etc. — until I saw another linked story near the end: "Christie Creamed."

#throwingupinmouthalittle

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Hey, is that a DOG strapped to the top of that sailboat???????????

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 1:41 pm

And why the fuck does he have a childhood portait of Shrley Temple on his desk?

Rosie_Scenario October 12, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I thought it was Jon-Benet Ramsey. Too late?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Tina Brown, according to Juli.

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Is that one of Scott Brown's hot daughters?

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 2:04 pm

It looks like Princess Di on a bad hair day.

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 1:41 pm

While the painting is just ugly-ass, his tie is gay.

veritass October 12, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Oh, that completely unrecognizable thing still hanging on the wall in the Massachusetts State House that Mittens hasn't seen since he was governor? It's probably his integrity. Yea. That's my best guess.

Antispandex October 12, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Flag of defeat?

LesBontemps October 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

OT, but Is that Franklin Pierce you're using as your avatar?

Antispandex October 12, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Why yes, yes it is! Good catch!

LesBontemps October 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Surprised myself, too. Kinda the Obama of his time — elected in a landslide, then threw his presidency into the toilet by making one bad policy decision after another that just pissed everyone off..

SayItWithWookies October 12, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Juli didn't note that Governor Mitt is actually sitting on his credenza, possibly in an effort to look informal and not like a stilted automaton. Unfortunately he's plugged into his AC recharger and so his face isn't capable of its normal range of expressions.

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Give him a break – imagine how much easier his life was at Bain destroying thousands of jobs every day.

GunToting[Redacted] October 12, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Bain/Caine 2012!

freakishlywrong October 12, 2011 at 1:43 pm

It's the ghost of his political career, when rubber meets the teatards.

widestanceshakedown October 12, 2011 at 1:45 pm

A lot of seagull crap, which the Mormons worship as divine.

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 1:46 pm

It's actually a terrible portrait of him. Looks more like Bill Pullman.

Geminisunmars October 12, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I was thinking Leslie Nielsen, but I think you are closer.

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Interesting to see how his hair style has changed over the years.

SexySmurf October 12, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Every time Mittens flip-flops the painting behind him becomes more liberal allowing the real Mitt to continue his appearance as a mouth-breathing Teabagger.

Oblios_Cap October 12, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Sort of a political Dorian Gray kinda of thing, eh?

SexySmurf October 12, 2011 at 1:55 pm

But with more homoerotic overtones.

LesBontemps October 12, 2011 at 2:22 pm

More? If Dorian Gray had any more homoerotic overtones, it would be a sausage party DVD.

Indiepalin October 12, 2011 at 1:48 pm

One more thing, is the Apostle John depicted as female?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Went over and looked at the VF link and have to wonder how Juli feels about her work appearing in a magazine sporting a tattooed-gun-toting Johnny Depp on its cover and the banner "The TRUTH ABOUT JOHNNY'S DEMONS."

x111e7thst October 12, 2011 at 1:50 pm

No picture of the family dog? In a crate? On top of a station wagon?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Actually, that's not a painting, it's a mirror.

freakishlywrong October 12, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Actually, quite frankly, that is one of the creepiest fucking portraits I have seen.

Oblios_Cap October 12, 2011 at 1:52 pm

If he wasn't a elitist scumbucket, it would be either a) dogs playing poker, or b) a painting of Elvis on black velvet.

Portraits are people, too!

baconzgood October 12, 2011 at 1:53 pm

A work of art worthy of a Holiday Inn room.

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 1:54 pm

You know whatever it is, it is a cheap reproduction of a classic. You know, 'cause Mitt is just a middle class guy like us, and that's all we could afford.

comrad_darkness October 12, 2011 at 3:54 pm

That explains why it doesn't really look like him. Because it was painted by a one-eyed, former leather worker in a burgeoning entrepreneurial town in China.

owhatever October 12, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Imagine life with President Mittens: Four years of America being led by a man who looks like he's struggling mightily to hold back a big fart.

MrFizzy October 12, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Golden tablets say no farting, so there's no farting. It doesn't matter if gas leaks out of your ears.

ManchuCandidate October 12, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Failure.

CommieLibunatic October 12, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I think I see… swordfish? Or some other deep horror? I don't even know, it's like a Rorschach test.

Also, too, someone should totally shop in other paintings of himself like Colbert.

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 1:55 pm

So what do the numbers signify??

4 1 6

New Beast Number?

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 2:02 pm

The numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Did I just win the Lotto?

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Is that a Fibonnaci sequence?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Bingo!!!

Mumbletypeg October 12, 2011 at 2:54 pm

ugh — sorta disappointed after Google'ing to find it's a Lost reference. Never was a fan… your reply still made me laugh at first though.

And to segue from that comPLETEly off-topic — reading now y'all's comments in the liveblog threads I missed last night — I've gotten busted twice here at work laughing; had to pretend first I was coughing & next that I was crying so now I'm out of emotional disguises. Wonkette: a bona fide occupational hazard.

ManchuCandidate October 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

The Area code for Toronto. OMG he's a secret Canada City citizen!

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 1:56 pm

It's a hanging toga candida, the bleached white toga worn by Romans running for high office.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 12, 2011 at 1:57 pm

The guy is such a straight — even his halo is square.

Redhead October 12, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Indian teepee?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Mongolian yurt?

DemonicRage October 12, 2011 at 3:38 pm

I agree. Half the places in Mass. have Native American names. Symbolizes all the land that the White Europeans stole from the Native Americans.

tihond October 12, 2011 at 1:58 pm

It's a picture of Plymouth rock landing on Malcom X's ancestors.

baconzgood October 12, 2011 at 1:59 pm

It's like a Francisco Goya if he didn't have talent…and panted by numbers.

MrFizzy October 12, 2011 at 1:59 pm

What I want to know is why there's a cardboard cutout of a human in front of the painting. Whatever it is, it needs to start drinking, dancing and sucking down the caffeine. Get that blood moving!

OneYieldRegular October 12, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Hair gel?

SayItWithWookies October 12, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I believe the white thing in the background is some sort of giant albino treehopper, an insect that often takes on the shape of bumps and thorns on its various host plants as a form of camouflage. A little-recognized school Winslow Homer may have been familiar with involved seascapes juxtaposed with freakishly large insects, possibly symbolizing our discordant relationship with nature. Or else they were all high.

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Paintings are people too.

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Silly Wonketeers! It's obviously the Angel Maroni lovingly caressing the Taint of Ronald Reagan in his hands.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 2:09 pm

OT, but how do we feel about that hottie ex-PM of Ukraine (Yulia Tymoshenko) getting 8 years in the slammer for not negotiating a good enough deal on natural gas w/Putin?

And how many years would Chimpy get if poor performance in office were a crime here?

SexySmurf October 12, 2011 at 2:25 pm

It was politically motivated; we're not the only country with an oligarch problem.

And do you have any pictures of her wearing braids?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Purposely picked a shot without the Klingon-style braids she favors, which are creepy.

weejee October 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Well Chimpy refrained from braiding his hair and wrapping the braids around his ears. You at least have to give him credit for that.

FlownOver October 12, 2011 at 2:33 pm

All of them, Katie.

Nostrildamus October 12, 2011 at 2:09 pm

What's the mysterious thing in this Romney portrait?
http://www.urantiansojourn.com/wp-content/uploads

Tommmcattt October 12, 2011 at 2:10 pm

That is clearly Brigham Young's nutsack.

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 2:10 pm

It's the Flying Spaghetti Monster blessing the fleet with its noodly appendages. Nothing culty about that.

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 2:15 pm

May you be touched by his noodly appendage.

chascates October 12, 2011 at 2:13 pm

The Prophet Moroni/Dementor come to deliver the bad news to Mitt Romney: try to help the poorz with healthcare and suffer the consequences.

weejee October 12, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Is that Boney Moroni? (aka Ann Coulter)

Schmannnity October 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I am pretty sure that is the Angel Moroni trying to land a breaching swordfish

BarackMyWorld October 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

"Wow! It's a schooner!"

"You dumb bastard! That's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!"

"A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead!"

"Well you know what? THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY! OVER THERE, THAT'S JUST A GUY IN A SUIT!!"

slowhansolo October 12, 2011 at 4:30 pm

YOU TELL 'EM STEVE-DAVE!

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Garlic… it is garlic… the most mind altering substance allowed to Mormons.

WhatTheHeck October 12, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Whoever painted the ‘picture,’ it was sure to be some miserable, poor, liberal artist swilling cheap wine in a Paris brothel.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 12, 2011 at 2:18 pm

It's the future with Mittens as president and it is not pretty.

SarahsBush October 12, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Yo dawg, I heard you like paintings…

LiveToServeYa October 12, 2011 at 2:25 pm

It's the iceberg directly in front of the USS America.

meatlofer October 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

It's the Ship sailed by Joseph Smith when he discoverd this promised land.

JackDempsey1 October 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Fancy millionaire Etch-a-Sketch with rendering of cave art performed by cryogenically-resurrected Neanderthal—–
a stocking stuffer gift from 1993.

OccupyFnChicken October 12, 2011 at 2:28 pm

It's one of his other wives in a burqa.

smokefilleddoommate October 12, 2011 at 2:31 pm

It's Mor-Man, the temple garment-clad Mormon Superhero!

BlueStateLibel October 12, 2011 at 2:37 pm

It's one of the family's "junk" paintings, a priceless Monet that's been relegated to Mitt's "computer area" in the basement, and probably belongs in the NY Metropolitan Museum of Art.

OneYieldRegular October 12, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I had a look at the full version of the portrait at the Vanity Fair article, and I'm now convinced that whoever painted this was doing to Mittens what Goya did to the family of Charles IV: creating a subtly sarcastic portrait of a grotesque. I mean, one can almost overlook the Abu Ghraib painting, the health care bill on the desk, the publicity photo of Olivia Newton-John in "Xanadu," and the ingrown, arthritic body language, but the Richard Nixon nose? No way that's not intentional.

prommie October 12, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Gloucester Harbor, say the comments attending the portrait's unveiling. Pavlovski?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 2:48 pm

C'mon, are there no unemployed Art History majors in Wonkland at all?

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Oh, I'm sure that all the Art History majors are fully, gainfully employed. Maybe they can catch up with us later this evening…

Jughead2130 October 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm

It's a big white DICK… standing in front of some shitty painting of a great big catfish goin' after a big ol piece of…..somethin'.

MissTaken October 12, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I spy Paul from Sgt Pepper's being eaten by a bull. And I haven't even started drinking yet.

BklynIlluminati October 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Am i supposed to be holding one eye shut right? I see a shark with the words anti-christ

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Clearly it is Mitt in his wedding gown for his big gay marriage.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Junior: Jacking off on a strangled rabbit is not always part of some cult practice. Just saying.

gurukalehuru October 12, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Is that a conehead KKK guy, or are you just happy to see me?

GFPcat October 12, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Whatever it is, if you don't like it Mittens will change it to something else

slowhansolo October 12, 2011 at 4:32 pm

The thing about portraits is that their greatness — or not — largely depends on the subject's ability to inspire.

DahBoner October 12, 2011 at 10:19 pm

That my friends, is the lure of Kavorka

Negropolis October 12, 2011 at 11:35 pm

You know, I've heard the meme from day one that this guy is handsome, but for the life of me the only thing I can think of when I see him is that he looks like a dog about the face. A expensive, well-manicured, purebred, but a dog about the face, nonetheless. You know, like some kind of failed chimera.

Schmegeg October 13, 2011 at 1:01 am

Whatever it is, if there is a stain on it, call Gingrich.

shoddysocrates October 13, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Seriously? It's from when he was governor of the bay state. It's pretty clearly an impressionistic painting of a harbor scene with a lateen rigged boat on the left and water and sky to the right of his stupid, Massachusetts-betraying head. Clarity and immaturity, BAM.

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