mitt's sad secrets

What’s the Mystery Thing In the Painting In the Mitt Romney Portrait?

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It is just a regular dude having sex with a werewolf under a sheet.Your former editor Juli Weiner has an Important Article at Vanity Fair about Mitt Romney’s strange Official Portrait from when he was the socialist governor of Taxachusetts. For all of his money and all of his calculated lust for public life, Romney acts like he was sewn into the wrong body — a characteristic that is perfectly captured by his wooden pose and mannequin stare in this official painting. But what is in the painting within the painting? What is that? Perhaps it’s something that could motivate the wingnut GOP “base.”

Juli Weiner notes many terrible things about this picture, such as the health care legislation proudly displayed in front of both the American Flag and the picture of the little girl from the toilet paper ads. And it is suggested that the mysterious “painting within a painting” might be a painting of a little painter painting something else, perhaps a sailboat. Way too Martha’s Vineyard, if you know what we mean!

The only way Mitt can “energize the teabagger idiots” is to convincingly get behind something the wingnut mob loves, like torturing Muslims or lynching black people. This is why we humbly suggest that the painting in Mitt’s portrait actually celebrates either the Ku Klux Klan or the infamous “tortured hooded guy” in the Abu Ghraib photographs.

But considering Mitt’s luck, the mysterious thing in the portrait of the poor little rich boy will probably end up being some Masonic Mormon Ritual involving a guy wearing a Peaked Cultist Robe and doing some kind of initiation ritual like jacking off on a strangled rabbit. And that’s just not Christian, and this is a Christian Nation! [Vanity Fair]

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  • nounverb911

    His magic underwear hanging on the laundry line?

    • RedneckMuslin

      Yes, it has to be underwear. It is not a picture but a window. Or it could be the KKK rally starting but probably underwear.

    • An_Outhouse

      I was thinking that its Joseph Smith's cum encrusted hanky, but , no I think you're right. It magic underwear.

  • Callyson

    It looks as if Mittens is thinking "Guess who I've got under the desk here?"

    • teebob2000

      Or, guess WHAT I've got…

  • edgydrifter

    That's the specter of Obamacare looming over his shoulder there.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    It's the Kraken, which Romney would unleash time to time when he was governor to destroy those who mocked and disobeyed him.

  • hagajim

    What's wrong with this painting? Mittens is in it – that's what's wrong with this fucking painting.

    • Ancient_Hacker

      good lord, it looks like Reggie Perrin's dentist painted that.

      The head is about 25% too large for that body, and would it hurt to not emphasize the jowls? Is he trying to look Nixonesque?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Given that it's Massachusetts, my money would be on Winslow Homer. But that would not be funny or snarky.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Does Winslow Homer say "D'oh!" with a New England accent?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Actually he's saying "Door" but it comes out "Do-ah."

    • Terry

      Yeah, it'd be so odd for the Bay State to have a watercolor of a sailboat or sailing ship in an official portrait.

  • hagajim

    Its the Angel Moroni and the golden tablets.

    • Maman

      Gentiles trying to surrender during the Mountain Meadows massacre?

  • Trannysurprise

    I'm pretty sure that's a scene from under the Dick Dock in Ptown.

    Mitt you sneaky boy!

  • Pragmatist2

    It's the Cloak of Invisibility so people won't see what a raging hypocrite he is.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    It's a ghost! Proof positive of the paranormal!

  • fletc3her

    It's middle earth and Mittens is the world's tallest hobbit.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Also, 48-star flag (no Texas or Alaska, thank you Rick and Sarah!)

  • Moonbatting Average

    Monet's "Sachet de Thé"

    • nounverb911

      Dick Armey's "Sachet de Thé"?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Count de Tax Monet?

      • proudgrampa

        God, I wish I could give your more upfists! I spilled my martini on that one!

        Your talents are under-recognized, here.

    • paris biltong

      Degas' "Dégats collatéraux"?

  • nounverb911

    Harvey the Pooka?

  • Sharkey

    It's a mountain of blow.

    • proudgrampa

      I actually laughed out loud at this one! Well done, sir!

      • jus_wonderin

        Yes, I now have carrots and ranch dressing on my monitor. But, the pattern is pleasing.

  • Chillwaver

    It looks like a Monet-esque depiction of Joseph Smith's sexy time tent:

    "And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple"

    The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 2:6

  • Mumbletypeg

    I was with the Vanity Fair piece — "god Bless our former Wonkette maestr-oh's & -ah's," etc. — until I saw another linked story near the end: "Christie Creamed."


  • johnnyzhivago

    Hey, is that a DOG strapped to the top of that sailboat???????????

  • johnnyzhivago

    And why the fuck does he have a childhood portait of Shrley Temple on his desk?

    • Rosie_Scenario

      I thought it was Jon-Benet Ramsey. Too late?

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Tina Brown, according to Juli.

      • chicken_thief

        Is that one of Scott Brown's hot daughters?

    • SorosBot

      It looks like Princess Di on a bad hair day.

  • RadioOcupados

    While the painting is just ugly-ass, his tie is gay.

  • veritass

    Oh, that completely unrecognizable thing still hanging on the wall in the Massachusetts State House that Mittens hasn't seen since he was governor? It's probably his integrity. Yea. That's my best guess.

  • Antispandex

    Flag of defeat?

    • LesBontemps

      OT, but Is that Franklin Pierce you're using as your avatar?

      • Antispandex

        Why yes, yes it is! Good catch!

        • LesBontemps

          Surprised myself, too. Kinda the Obama of his time — elected in a landslide, then threw his presidency into the toilet by making one bad policy decision after another that just pissed everyone off..

  • SayItWithWookies

    Juli didn't note that Governor Mitt is actually sitting on his credenza, possibly in an effort to look informal and not like a stilted automaton. Unfortunately he's plugged into his AC recharger and so his face isn't capable of its normal range of expressions.

  • johnnyzhivago

    Give him a break – imagine how much easier his life was at Bain destroying thousands of jobs every day.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Bain/Caine 2012!

  • freakishlywrong

    It's the ghost of his political career, when rubber meets the teatards.

  • widestanceshakedown

    A lot of seagull crap, which the Mormons worship as divine.

  • proudgrampa

    It's actually a terrible portrait of him. Looks more like Bill Pullman.

    • Geminisunmars

      I was thinking Leslie Nielsen, but I think you are closer.

  • chicken_thief

    Interesting to see how his hair style has changed over the years.

  • SexySmurf

    Every time Mittens flip-flops the painting behind him becomes more liberal allowing the real Mitt to continue his appearance as a mouth-breathing Teabagger.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Sort of a political Dorian Gray kinda of thing, eh?

      • SexySmurf

        But with more homoerotic overtones.

        • LesBontemps

          More? If Dorian Gray had any more homoerotic overtones, it would be a sausage party DVD.

  • Indiepalin

    One more thing, is the Apostle John depicted as female?

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    Went over and looked at the VF link and have to wonder how Juli feels about her work appearing in a magazine sporting a tattooed-gun-toting Johnny Depp on its cover and the banner "The TRUTH ABOUT JOHNNY'S DEMONS."

  • x111e7thst

    No picture of the family dog? In a crate? On top of a station wagon?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Actually, that's not a painting, it's a mirror.

  • freakishlywrong

    Actually, quite frankly, that is one of the creepiest fucking portraits I have seen.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If he wasn't a elitist scumbucket, it would be either a) dogs playing poker, or b) a painting of Elvis on black velvet.

    Portraits are people, too!

  • baconzgood

    A work of art worthy of a Holiday Inn room.

  • chicken_thief

    You know whatever it is, it is a cheap reproduction of a classic. You know, 'cause Mitt is just a middle class guy like us, and that's all we could afford.

    • comrad_darkness

      That explains why it doesn't really look like him. Because it was painted by a one-eyed, former leather worker in a burgeoning entrepreneurial town in China.

  • owhatever

    Imagine life with President Mittens: Four years of America being led by a man who looks like he's struggling mightily to hold back a big fart.

    • MrFizzy

      Golden tablets say no farting, so there's no farting. It doesn't matter if gas leaks out of your ears.

  • ManchuCandidate


  • CommieLibunatic

    I think I see… swordfish? Or some other deep horror? I don't even know, it's like a Rorschach test.

    Also, too, someone should totally shop in other paintings of himself like Colbert.

  • proudgrampa

    So what do the numbers signify??

    4 1 6

    New Beast Number?

    • SorosBot

      The numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

      • proudgrampa

        Did I just win the Lotto?

      • proudgrampa

        Is that a Fibonnaci sequence?

      • BaldarTFlagass


      • Mumbletypeg

        ugh — sorta disappointed after Google'ing to find it's a Lost reference. Never was a fan… your reply still made me laugh at first though.

        And to segue from that comPLETEly off-topic — reading now y'all's comments in the liveblog threads I missed last night — I've gotten busted twice here at work laughing; had to pretend first I was coughing & next that I was crying so now I'm out of emotional disguises. Wonkette: a bona fide occupational hazard.

    • ManchuCandidate

      The Area code for Toronto. OMG he's a secret Canada City citizen!

  • SorosBot

    It's a hanging toga candida, the bleached white toga worn by Romans running for high office.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The guy is such a straight — even his halo is square.

  • Redhead

    Indian teepee?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Mongolian yurt?

    • DemonicRage

      I agree. Half the places in Mass. have Native American names. Symbolizes all the land that the White Europeans stole from the Native Americans.

  • tihond

    It's a picture of Plymouth rock landing on Malcom X's ancestors.

  • baconzgood

    It's like a Francisco Goya if he didn't have talent…and panted by numbers.

  • MrFizzy

    What I want to know is why there's a cardboard cutout of a human in front of the painting. Whatever it is, it needs to start drinking, dancing and sucking down the caffeine. Get that blood moving!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Hair gel?

  • SayItWithWookies

    I believe the white thing in the background is some sort of giant albino treehopper, an insect that often takes on the shape of bumps and thorns on its various host plants as a form of camouflage. A little-recognized school Winslow Homer may have been familiar with involved seascapes juxtaposed with freakishly large insects, possibly symbolizing our discordant relationship with nature. Or else they were all high.

  • RadioOcupados

    Paintings are people too.

  • ttommyunger

    Silly Wonketeers! It's obviously the Angel Maroni lovingly caressing the Taint of Ronald Reagan in his hands.

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    OT, but how do we feel about that hottie ex-PM of Ukraine (Yulia Tymoshenko) getting 8 years in the slammer for not negotiating a good enough deal on natural gas w/Putin?

    And how many years would Chimpy get if poor performance in office were a crime here?

    • SexySmurf

      It was politically motivated; we're not the only country with an oligarch problem.

      And do you have any pictures of her wearing braids?

      • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

        Purposely picked a shot without the Klingon-style braids she favors, which are creepy.

    • weejee

      Well Chimpy refrained from braiding his hair and wrapping the braids around his ears. You at least have to give him credit for that.

    • FlownOver

      All of them, Katie.

  • Nostrildamus

    What's the mysterious thing in this Romney portrait?

  • Tommmcattt

    That is clearly Brigham Young's nutsack.

  • Come here a minute

    It's the Flying Spaghetti Monster blessing the fleet with its noodly appendages. Nothing culty about that.

    • proudgrampa

      May you be touched by his noodly appendage.

  • chascates

    The Prophet Moroni/Dementor come to deliver the bad news to Mitt Romney: try to help the poorz with healthcare and suffer the consequences.

    • weejee

      Is that Boney Moroni? (aka Ann Coulter)

  • Schmannnity

    I am pretty sure that is the Angel Moroni trying to land a breaching swordfish

  • BarackMyWorld

    "Wow! It's a schooner!"

    "You dumb bastard! That's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!"

    "A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead!"


    • slowhansolo


  • DaRooster

    Garlic… it is garlic… the most mind altering substance allowed to Mormons.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Whoever painted the ‘picture,’ it was sure to be some miserable, poor, liberal artist swilling cheap wine in a Paris brothel.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    It's the future with Mittens as president and it is not pretty.

  • SarahsBush

    Yo dawg, I heard you like paintings…

  • LiveToServeYa

    It's the iceberg directly in front of the USS America.

  • meatlofer

    It's the Ship sailed by Joseph Smith when he discoverd this promised land.

  • JackDempsey1

    Fancy millionaire Etch-a-Sketch with rendering of cave art performed by cryogenically-resurrected Neanderthal—–
    a stocking stuffer gift from 1993.

  • OccupyFnChicken

    It's one of his other wives in a burqa.

  • smokefilleddoommate

    It's Mor-Man, the temple garment-clad Mormon Superhero!

  • BlueStateLibel

    It's one of the family's "junk" paintings, a priceless Monet that's been relegated to Mitt's "computer area" in the basement, and probably belongs in the NY Metropolitan Museum of Art.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I had a look at the full version of the portrait at the Vanity Fair article, and I'm now convinced that whoever painted this was doing to Mittens what Goya did to the family of Charles IV: creating a subtly sarcastic portrait of a grotesque. I mean, one can almost overlook the Abu Ghraib painting, the health care bill on the desk, the publicity photo of Olivia Newton-John in "Xanadu," and the ingrown, arthritic body language, but the Richard Nixon nose? No way that's not intentional.

  • prommie

    Gloucester Harbor, say the comments attending the portrait's unveiling. Pavlovski?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    C'mon, are there no unemployed Art History majors in Wonkland at all?

    • proudgrampa

      Oh, I'm sure that all the Art History majors are fully, gainfully employed. Maybe they can catch up with us later this evening…

  • Jughead2130

    It's a big white DICK… standing in front of some shitty painting of a great big catfish goin' after a big ol piece of…..somethin'.

  • MissTaken

    I spy Paul from Sgt Pepper's being eaten by a bull. And I haven't even started drinking yet.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Am i supposed to be holding one eye shut right? I see a shark with the words anti-christ

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Clearly it is Mitt in his wedding gown for his big gay marriage.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Junior: Jacking off on a strangled rabbit is not always part of some cult practice. Just saying.

  • gurukalehuru

    Is that a conehead KKK guy, or are you just happy to see me?

  • GFPcat

    Whatever it is, if you don't like it Mittens will change it to something else

  • slowhansolo

    The thing about portraits is that their greatness — or not — largely depends on the subject's ability to inspire.

  • DahBoner

    That my friends, is the lure of Kavorka

  • Negropolis

    You know, I've heard the meme from day one that this guy is handsome, but for the life of me the only thing I can think of when I see him is that he looks like a dog about the face. A expensive, well-manicured, purebred, but a dog about the face, nonetheless. You know, like some kind of failed chimera.

  • Schmegeg

    Whatever it is, if there is a stain on it, call Gingrich.

  • shoddysocrates

    Seriously? It's from when he was governor of the bay state. It's pretty clearly an impressionistic painting of a harbor scene with a lateen rigged boat on the left and water and sky to the right of his stupid, Massachusetts-betraying head. Clarity and immaturity, BAM.