mitt's sad secrets

What’s the Mystery Thing In the Painting In the Mitt Romney Portrait?

It is just a regular dude having sex with a werewolf under a sheet.Your former editor Juli Weiner has an Important Article at Vanity Fair about Mitt Romney’s strange Official Portrait from when he was the socialist governor of Taxachusetts. For all of his money and all of his calculated lust for public life, Romney acts like he was sewn into the wrong body — a characteristic that is perfectly captured by his wooden pose and mannequin stare in this official painting. But what is in the painting within the painting? What is that? Perhaps it’s something that could motivate the wingnut GOP “base.”

Juli Weiner notes many terrible things about this picture, such as the health care legislation proudly displayed in front of both the American Flag and the picture of the little girl from the toilet paper ads. And it is suggested that the mysterious “painting within a painting” might be a painting of a little painter painting something else, perhaps a sailboat. Way too Martha’s Vineyard, if you know what we mean!

The only way Mitt can “energize the teabagger idiots” is to convincingly get behind something the wingnut mob loves, like torturing Muslims or lynching black people. This is why we humbly suggest that the painting in Mitt’s portrait actually celebrates either the Ku Klux Klan or the infamous “tortured hooded guy” in the Abu Ghraib photographs.

But considering Mitt’s luck, the mysterious thing in the portrait of the poor little rich boy will probably end up being some Masonic Mormon Ritual involving a guy wearing a Peaked Cultist Robe and doing some kind of initiation ritual like jacking off on a strangled rabbit. And that’s just not Christian, and this is a Christian Nation! [Vanity Fair]

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127 comments

    1. RedneckMuslin

      Yes, it has to be underwear. It is not a picture but a window. Or it could be the KKK rally starting but probably underwear.

    2. An_Outhouse

      I was thinking that its Joseph Smith's cum encrusted hanky, but , no I think you're right. It magic underwear.

  1. Allmighty_Manos

    It's the Kraken, which Romney would unleash time to time when he was governor to destroy those who mocked and disobeyed him.

  2. hagajim

    What's wrong with this painting? Mittens is in it – that's what's wrong with this fucking painting.

    1. Ancient_Hacker

      good lord, it looks like Reggie Perrin's dentist painted that.

      The head is about 25% too large for that body, and would it hurt to not emphasize the jowls? Is he trying to look Nixonesque?

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Given that it's Massachusetts, my money would be on Winslow Homer. But that would not be funny or snarky.

    1. Terry

      Yeah, it'd be so odd for the Bay State to have a watercolor of a sailboat or sailing ship in an official portrait.

      1. proudgrampa

        God, I wish I could give your more upfists! I spilled my martini on that one!

        Your talents are under-recognized, here.

  4. Chillwaver

    It looks like a Monet-esque depiction of Joseph Smith's sexy time tent:

    "And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple"

    The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 2:6

  5. Mumbletypeg

    I was with the Vanity Fair piece — "god Bless our former Wonkette maestr-oh's & -ah's," etc. — until I saw another linked story near the end: "Christie Creamed."

    #throwingupinmouthalittle

  6. veritass

    Oh, that completely unrecognizable thing still hanging on the wall in the Massachusetts State House that Mittens hasn't seen since he was governor? It's probably his integrity. Yea. That's my best guess.

        1. LesBontemps

          Surprised myself, too. Kinda the Obama of his time — elected in a landslide, then threw his presidency into the toilet by making one bad policy decision after another that just pissed everyone off..

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Juli didn't note that Governor Mitt is actually sitting on his credenza, possibly in an effort to look informal and not like a stilted automaton. Unfortunately he's plugged into his AC recharger and so his face isn't capable of its normal range of expressions.

  8. SexySmurf

    Every time Mittens flip-flops the painting behind him becomes more liberal allowing the real Mitt to continue his appearance as a mouth-breathing Teabagger.

  9. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    Went over and looked at the VF link and have to wonder how Juli feels about her work appearing in a magazine sporting a tattooed-gun-toting Johnny Depp on its cover and the banner "The TRUTH ABOUT JOHNNY'S DEMONS."

  10. Oblios_Cap

    If he wasn't a elitist scumbucket, it would be either a) dogs playing poker, or b) a painting of Elvis on black velvet.

    Portraits are people, too!

  11. chicken_thief

    You know whatever it is, it is a cheap reproduction of a classic. You know, 'cause Mitt is just a middle class guy like us, and that's all we could afford.

    1. comrad_darkness

      That explains why it doesn't really look like him. Because it was painted by a one-eyed, former leather worker in a burgeoning entrepreneurial town in China.

  12. owhatever

    Imagine life with President Mittens: Four years of America being led by a man who looks like he's struggling mightily to hold back a big fart.

    1. MrFizzy

      Golden tablets say no farting, so there's no farting. It doesn't matter if gas leaks out of your ears.

  13. CommieLibunatic

    I think I see… swordfish? Or some other deep horror? I don't even know, it's like a Rorschach test.

    Also, too, someone should totally shop in other paintings of himself like Colbert.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        ugh — sorta disappointed after Google'ing to find it's a Lost reference. Never was a fan… your reply still made me laugh at first though.

        And to segue from that comPLETEly off-topic — reading now y'all's comments in the liveblog threads I missed last night — I've gotten busted twice here at work laughing; had to pretend first I was coughing & next that I was crying so now I'm out of emotional disguises. Wonkette: a bona fide occupational hazard.

    1. DemonicRage

      I agree. Half the places in Mass. have Native American names. Symbolizes all the land that the White Europeans stole from the Native Americans.

  14. MrFizzy

    What I want to know is why there's a cardboard cutout of a human in front of the painting. Whatever it is, it needs to start drinking, dancing and sucking down the caffeine. Get that blood moving!

  15. SayItWithWookies

    I believe the white thing in the background is some sort of giant albino treehopper, an insect that often takes on the shape of bumps and thorns on its various host plants as a form of camouflage. A little-recognized school Winslow Homer may have been familiar with involved seascapes juxtaposed with freakishly large insects, possibly symbolizing our discordant relationship with nature. Or else they were all high.

  16. ttommyunger

    Silly Wonketeers! It's obviously the Angel Maroni lovingly caressing the Taint of Ronald Reagan in his hands.

  17. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    OT, but how do we feel about that hottie ex-PM of Ukraine (Yulia Tymoshenko) getting 8 years in the slammer for not negotiating a good enough deal on natural gas w/Putin?

    And how many years would Chimpy get if poor performance in office were a crime here?

    1. SexySmurf

      It was politically motivated; we're not the only country with an oligarch problem.

      And do you have any pictures of her wearing braids?

      1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

        Purposely picked a shot without the Klingon-style braids she favors, which are creepy.

    2. weejee

      Well Chimpy refrained from braiding his hair and wrapping the braids around his ears. You at least have to give him credit for that.

  18. Come here a minute

    It's the Flying Spaghetti Monster blessing the fleet with its noodly appendages. Nothing culty about that.

  19. chascates

    The Prophet Moroni/Dementor come to deliver the bad news to Mitt Romney: try to help the poorz with healthcare and suffer the consequences.

  20. BarackMyWorld

    "Wow! It's a schooner!"

    "You dumb bastard! That's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!"

    "A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead!"

    "Well you know what? THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY! OVER THERE, THAT'S JUST A GUY IN A SUIT!!"

  21. WhatTheHeck

    Whoever painted the ‘picture,’ it was sure to be some miserable, poor, liberal artist swilling cheap wine in a Paris brothel.

  22. JackDempsey1

    Fancy millionaire Etch-a-Sketch with rendering of cave art performed by cryogenically-resurrected Neanderthal—–
    a stocking stuffer gift from 1993.

  23. BlueStateLibel

    It's one of the family's "junk" paintings, a priceless Monet that's been relegated to Mitt's "computer area" in the basement, and probably belongs in the NY Metropolitan Museum of Art.

  24. OneYieldRegular

    I had a look at the full version of the portrait at the Vanity Fair article, and I'm now convinced that whoever painted this was doing to Mittens what Goya did to the family of Charles IV: creating a subtly sarcastic portrait of a grotesque. I mean, one can almost overlook the Abu Ghraib painting, the health care bill on the desk, the publicity photo of Olivia Newton-John in "Xanadu," and the ingrown, arthritic body language, but the Richard Nixon nose? No way that's not intentional.

    1. proudgrampa

      Oh, I'm sure that all the Art History majors are fully, gainfully employed. Maybe they can catch up with us later this evening…

  25. Jughead2130

    It's a big white DICK… standing in front of some shitty painting of a great big catfish goin' after a big ol piece of…..somethin'.

  26. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Junior: Jacking off on a strangled rabbit is not always part of some cult practice. Just saying.

  27. Negropolis

    You know, I've heard the meme from day one that this guy is handsome, but for the life of me the only thing I can think of when I see him is that he looks like a dog about the face. A expensive, well-manicured, purebred, but a dog about the face, nonetheless. You know, like some kind of failed chimera.

  28. shoddysocrates

    Seriously? It's from when he was governor of the bay state. It's pretty clearly an impressionistic painting of a harbor scene with a lateen rigged boat on the left and water and sky to the right of his stupid, Massachusetts-betraying head. Clarity and immaturity, BAM.

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