Your former editor Juli Weiner has an Important Article at Vanity Fair about Mitt Romney’s strange Official Portrait from when he was the socialist governor of Taxachusetts. For all of his money and all of his calculated lust for public life, Romney acts like he was sewn into the wrong body — a characteristic that is perfectly captured by his wooden pose and mannequin stare in this official painting. But what is in the painting within the painting? What is that? Perhaps it’s something that could motivate the wingnut GOP “base.”
Juli Weiner notes many terrible things about this picture, such as the health care legislation proudly displayed in front of both the American Flag and the picture of the little girl from the toilet paper ads. And it is suggested that the mysterious “painting within a painting” might be a painting of a little painter painting something else, perhaps a sailboat. Way too Martha’s Vineyard, if you know what we mean!
The only way Mitt can “energize the teabagger idiots” is to convincingly get behind something the wingnut mob loves, like torturing Muslims or lynching black people. This is why we humbly suggest that the painting in Mitt’s portrait actually celebrates either the Ku Klux Klan or the infamous “tortured hooded guy” in the Abu Ghraib photographs.
But considering Mitt’s luck, the mysterious thing in the portrait of the poor little rich boy will probably end up being some Masonic Mormon Ritual involving a guy wearing a Peaked Cultist Robe and doing some kind of initiation ritual like jacking off on a strangled rabbit. And that’s just not Christian, and this is a Christian Nation! [Vanity Fair]
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His magic underwear hanging on the laundry line?
Yes, it has to be underwear. It is not a picture but a window. Or it could be the KKK rally starting but probably underwear.
I was thinking that its Joseph Smith's cum encrusted hanky, but , no I think you're right. It magic underwear.
It looks as if Mittens is thinking "Guess who I've got under the desk here?"
Or, guess WHAT I've got…
That's the specter of Obamacare looming over his shoulder there.
It's the Kraken, which Romney would unleash time to time when he was governor to destroy those who mocked and disobeyed him.
What's wrong with this painting? Mittens is in it – that's what's wrong with this fucking painting.
good lord, it looks like Reggie Perrin's dentist painted that.
The head is about 25% too large for that body, and would it hurt to not emphasize the jowls? Is he trying to look Nixonesque?
Given that it's Massachusetts, my money would be on Winslow Homer. But that would not be funny or snarky.
Does Winslow Homer say "D'oh!" with a New England accent?
Actually he's saying "Door" but it comes out "Do-ah."
Yeah, it'd be so odd for the Bay State to have a watercolor of a sailboat or sailing ship in an official portrait.
Its the Angel Moroni and the golden tablets.
Gentiles trying to surrender during the Mountain Meadows massacre?
I'm pretty sure that's a scene from under the Dick Dock in Ptown.
Mitt you sneaky boy!
It's the Cloak of Invisibility so people won't see what a raging hypocrite he is.
It's a ghost! Proof positive of the paranormal!
It's middle earth and Mittens is the world's tallest hobbit.
Also, 48-star flag (no Texas or Alaska, thank you Rick and Sarah!)
Monet's "Sachet de Thé"
Dick Armey's "Sachet de Thé"?
Count de Tax Monet?
God, I wish I could give your more upfists! I spilled my martini on that one!
Your talents are under-recognized, here.
Degas' "Dégats collatéraux"?
Harvey the Pooka?
It's a mountain of blow.
I actually laughed out loud at this one! Well done, sir!
Yes, I now have carrots and ranch dressing on my monitor. But, the pattern is pleasing.
It looks like a Monet-esque depiction of Joseph Smith's sexy time tent:
"And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple"
The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 2:6
I was with the Vanity Fair piece — "god Bless our former Wonkette maestr-oh's & -ah's," etc. — until I saw another linked story near the end: "Christie Creamed."
#throwingupinmouthalittle
Hey, is that a DOG strapped to the top of that sailboat???????????
And why the fuck does he have a childhood portait of Shrley Temple on his desk?
I thought it was Jon-Benet Ramsey. Too late?
Tina Brown, according to Juli.
Is that one of Scott Brown's hot daughters?
I didn't know Mitt was looking for another wife.
It looks like Princess Di on a bad hair day.
While the painting is just ugly-ass, his tie is gay.
Oh, that completely unrecognizable thing still hanging on the wall in the Massachusetts State House that Mittens hasn't seen since he was governor? It's probably his integrity. Yea. That's my best guess.
Flag of defeat?
OT, but Is that Franklin Pierce you're using as your avatar?
Why yes, yes it is! Good catch!
Surprised myself, too. Kinda the Obama of his time — elected in a landslide, then threw his presidency into the toilet by making one bad policy decision after another that just pissed everyone off..
Juli didn't note that Governor Mitt is actually sitting on his credenza, possibly in an effort to look informal and not like a stilted automaton. Unfortunately he's plugged into his AC recharger and so his face isn't capable of its normal range of expressions.
Give him a break – imagine how much easier his life was at Bain destroying thousands of jobs every day.
Bain/Caine 2012!
It's the ghost of his political career, when rubber meets the teatards.
A lot of seagull crap, which the Mormons worship as divine.
It's actually a terrible portrait of him. Looks more like Bill Pullman.
I was thinking Leslie Nielsen, but I think you are closer.
Interesting to see how his hair style has changed over the years.
Every time Mittens flip-flops the painting behind him becomes more liberal allowing the real Mitt to continue his appearance as a mouth-breathing Teabagger.
Sort of a political Dorian Gray kinda of thing, eh?
But with more homoerotic overtones.
More? If Dorian Gray had any more homoerotic overtones, it would be a sausage party DVD.
One more thing, is the Apostle John depicted as female?
Went over and looked at the VF link and have to wonder how Juli feels about her work appearing in a magazine sporting a tattooed-gun-toting Johnny Depp on its cover and the banner "The TRUTH ABOUT JOHNNY'S DEMONS."
No picture of the family dog? In a crate? On top of a station wagon?
Actually, that's not a painting, it's a mirror.
Actually, quite frankly, that is one of the creepiest fucking portraits I have seen.
If he wasn't a elitist scumbucket, it would be either a) dogs playing poker, or b) a painting of Elvis on black velvet.
Portraits are people, too!
A work of art worthy of a Holiday Inn room.
You know whatever it is, it is a cheap reproduction of a classic. You know, 'cause Mitt is just a middle class guy like us, and that's all we could afford.
That explains why it doesn't really look like him. Because it was painted by a one-eyed, former leather worker in a burgeoning entrepreneurial town in China.
Imagine life with President Mittens: Four years of America being led by a man who looks like he's struggling mightily to hold back a big fart.
Golden tablets say no farting, so there's no farting. It doesn't matter if gas leaks out of your ears.
Failure.
I think I see… swordfish? Or some other deep horror? I don't even know, it's like a Rorschach test.
Also, too, someone should totally shop in other paintings of himself like Colbert.
So what do the numbers signify??
4 1 6
New Beast Number?
The numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
Did I just win the Lotto?
Is that a Fibonnaci sequence?
Bingo!!!
ugh — sorta disappointed after Google'ing to find it's a Lost reference. Never was a fan… your reply still made me laugh at first though.
And to segue from that comPLETEly off-topic — reading now y'all's comments in the liveblog threads I missed last night — I've gotten busted twice here at work laughing; had to pretend first I was coughing & next that I was crying so now I'm out of emotional disguises. Wonkette: a bona fide occupational hazard.
The Area code for Toronto. OMG he's a secret Canada City citizen!
It's a hanging toga candida, the bleached white toga worn by Romans running for high office.
The guy is such a straight — even his halo is square.
Indian teepee?
Mongolian yurt?
I agree. Half the places in Mass. have Native American names. Symbolizes all the land that the White Europeans stole from the Native Americans.
It's a picture of Plymouth rock landing on Malcom X's ancestors.
It's like a Francisco Goya if he didn't have talent…and panted by numbers.
What I want to know is why there's a cardboard cutout of a human in front of the painting. Whatever it is, it needs to start drinking, dancing and sucking down the caffeine. Get that blood moving!
Hair gel?
I believe the white thing in the background is some sort of giant albino treehopper, an insect that often takes on the shape of bumps and thorns on its various host plants as a form of camouflage. A little-recognized school Winslow Homer may have been familiar with involved seascapes juxtaposed with freakishly large insects, possibly symbolizing our discordant relationship with nature. Or else they were all high.
Paintings are people too.
Silly Wonketeers! It's obviously the Angel Maroni lovingly caressing the Taint of Ronald Reagan in his hands.
OT, but how do we feel about that hottie ex-PM of Ukraine (Yulia Tymoshenko) getting 8 years in the slammer for not negotiating a good enough deal on natural gas w/Putin?
And how many years would Chimpy get if poor performance in office were a crime here?
It was politically motivated; we're not the only country with an oligarch problem.
And do you have any pictures of her wearing braids?
Purposely picked a shot without the Klingon-style braids she favors, which are creepy.
Well Chimpy refrained from braiding his hair and wrapping the braids around his ears. You at least have to give him credit for that.
All of them, Katie.
What's the mysterious thing in this Romney portrait?
http://www.urantiansojourn.com/wp-content/uploads...
That is clearly Brigham Young's nutsack.
It's the Flying Spaghetti Monster blessing the fleet with its noodly appendages. Nothing culty about that.
May you be touched by his noodly appendage.
The Prophet Moroni/Dementor come to deliver the bad news to Mitt Romney: try to help the poorz with healthcare and suffer the consequences.
Is that Boney Moroni? (aka Ann Coulter)
I am pretty sure that is the Angel Moroni trying to land a breaching swordfish
"Wow! It's a schooner!"
"You dumb bastard! That's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!"
"A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead!"
"Well you know what? THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY! OVER THERE, THAT'S JUST A GUY IN A SUIT!!"
YOU TELL 'EM STEVE-DAVE!
Garlic… it is garlic… the most mind altering substance allowed to Mormons.
Whoever painted the ‘picture,’ it was sure to be some miserable, poor, liberal artist swilling cheap wine in a Paris brothel.
It's the future with Mittens as president and it is not pretty.
Yo dawg, I heard you like paintings…
It's the iceberg directly in front of the USS America.
It's the Ship sailed by Joseph Smith when he discoverd this promised land.
Fancy millionaire Etch-a-Sketch with rendering of cave art performed by cryogenically-resurrected Neanderthal—–
a stocking stuffer gift from 1993.
It's one of his other wives in a burqa.
It's Mor-Man, the temple garment-clad Mormon Superhero!
It's one of the family's "junk" paintings, a priceless Monet that's been relegated to Mitt's "computer area" in the basement, and probably belongs in the NY Metropolitan Museum of Art.
I had a look at the full version of the portrait at the Vanity Fair article, and I'm now convinced that whoever painted this was doing to Mittens what Goya did to the family of Charles IV: creating a subtly sarcastic portrait of a grotesque. I mean, one can almost overlook the Abu Ghraib painting, the health care bill on the desk, the publicity photo of Olivia Newton-John in "Xanadu," and the ingrown, arthritic body language, but the Richard Nixon nose? No way that's not intentional.
Gloucester Harbor, say the comments attending the portrait's unveiling. Pavlovski?
C'mon, are there no unemployed Art History majors in Wonkland at all?
Oh, I'm sure that all the Art History majors are fully, gainfully employed. Maybe they can catch up with us later this evening…
It's a big white DICK… standing in front of some shitty painting of a great big catfish goin' after a big ol piece of…..somethin'.
I spy Paul from Sgt Pepper's being eaten by a bull. And I haven't even started drinking yet.
Am i supposed to be holding one eye shut right? I see a shark with the words anti-christ
Clearly it is Mitt in his wedding gown for his big gay marriage.
Junior: Jacking off on a strangled rabbit is not always part of some cult practice. Just saying.
Is that a conehead KKK guy, or are you just happy to see me?
Whatever it is, if you don't like it Mittens will change it to something else
The thing about portraits is that their greatness — or not — largely depends on the subject's ability to inspire.
That my friends, is the lure of Kavorka…
You know, I've heard the meme from day one that this guy is handsome, but for the life of me the only thing I can think of when I see him is that he looks like a dog about the face. A expensive, well-manicured, purebred, but a dog about the face, nonetheless. You know, like some kind of failed chimera.
Whatever it is, if there is a stain on it, call Gingrich.
Seriously? It's from when he was governor of the bay state. It's pretty clearly an impressionistic painting of a harbor scene with a lateen rigged boat on the left and water and sky to the right of his stupid, Massachusetts-betraying head. Clarity and immaturity, BAM.
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