DRUGS FOR BRAINS  3:01 pm October 12, 2011

Florida GOP Rep: Let’s Bring Back Those Cool Firing Squad Executions

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

This too was the product of a Waffle House pancake syrup-induced fever dream.Oh, Florida. Florida Florida Florida. Crackhead ideas just grow on trees as bountifully as the citrus in Florida, don’t they? But this one is an especially cloudy, yellowed gem with a particularly elegant “Republican-trucker diner-firing squad execution” trifecta of tragicomedy that will be our new standard in redneck crazy: once upon a few days ago, GOP state representative Brad Drake wandered into one of the wretched Waffle House obesity gulags in his district and overheard an insane person wishfully dreaming of the days when condemned prisoners were put to death by firing squad. “I can make this lunatic man’s medieval murder sex dream come true!” Drake thought to himself, which means that he has introduced a bill to the Florida legislature for just this purpose.

From the Florida Current:

In a Waffle House in DeFuniak Springs, Drake said he heard a constituent say, “‘You know, they ought to just put them in the electric chair or line them up in front of a firing squad.’” After a conversation with the person, Drake, 36, said he decided to file the bill.

“There shouldn’t be anything controversial about a .45-caliber bullet. If it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge and be done with it,” Drake said.

Under the bill, electrocution would be the standard method of executions, but the bill would allow inmates to opt for an execution by firing squad.

Squad members would be chosen by the warden of the prison housing the death row inmate. The bill does not specify whether members of the public may volunteer or may be chosen for the firing squad by the warden, but it does allow for Department of Corrections employees to opt out of taking a part in any execution. It also does not proscribe the number of people to be involved in the firing squad.

“Members of the public may volunteer!”  That is our favorite part of the story, because we imagine the public showing up in Spanish Inquisition-era uniforms salivating over their rusty guns, probably much like the same crazy white people who first showed up in Florida 500 years ago.

Your move, Arizona. [Florida Current; Thanks to Wonkette operative "MK"]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 254 comments }

nounverb911 October 12, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Aren't bullets expensive? Will Florida bill the executionee's family for the bullets like they do in China?

GregComlish October 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm

That's why the executions are BYOB. Or BYOS if you're a shotgun man.

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 4:31 pm

They'll get billed more for the interrogation that elicited the confession in the first place. Those highly trained experts are expensive!

Nostrildamus October 12, 2011 at 4:52 pm

"Becoming a cop is _not_ something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge."

AJWjr. October 12, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Eh, cheaper than electricity…

PuckStopsHere October 12, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Rick Perry is pissed off he didn't think of this first.

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Or Rick Scott. There must be a way for his medical centers to make a buck off this.

WhatTheHolyHeck October 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Drug test the volunteer shooters.

WhatTheHeck October 12, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Don’t worry. Execution by pick-up truck is coming to a stadium near you real soon.

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Sounds a bit messy. If you're going to go that route, why not just have a big glass- walled shark tank or something? That'd be cooler.

GOPCrusher October 12, 2011 at 4:56 pm

No. I think Rick Perry wants to think outside the box here and make executions a Pay Per View event. The Texas state treasury will be running a surplus in a couple of years.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Your move, Gary Gilmore.

emmelemm October 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Shouldn't that be Zombie Gary Gilmore?

hagajim October 12, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I think old Gary lost the ability to move so well a few years back….via that other wingnut state Utah!

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm

“There shouldn’t be anything controversial about a .45-caliber bullet. If it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge and be done with it,” Drake said.

Remind me to never drive on whatever road goes UNDER the Sunshine Skyway…

Thurman Munster IV October 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm

That would be Tampa Bay

CommieLibunatic October 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

So then remind me to never drive around the Tampa Bay. Unless I feel the need for some good ol' corpse huntin'.

WhatTheHeck October 12, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Remember, a body in motion, stars in motion, until it falls on your head.

crybabyboehner October 12, 2011 at 4:09 pm

John Lerro Blvd.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Maybe it's a bridge over a waterway.

"Hey, you scratched my anchor!!"

nounverb911 October 12, 2011 at 3:05 pm

“Members of the public may volunteer!”
Bring your own gun.

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Curry Todd has his pickup headed that way – loaded pistol and a case of icy cold ones in tow!

OzoneTom October 12, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I think that they are missing out on a chance to make some money here. They should raffle the tags off like they do elk and moose tags — but charge more.

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Grover Norquist said ix-nay on the "new tax".

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Call it The Lottery.

And "bring your own gun" is sure to produce some interesting results.

Serolf_Divad October 12, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Will women have to dress as men, complete with cheezy fake beards if they want to participate?

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 5:17 pm

"Jehovah, Jehovah, JEHOVAH!!!!"

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Ninety Per Cent of those mouth-breathing FuckTards would get Buck Fever and freeze up when the time came to actually pull the trigger on another human being. Nothing noisier than an empty wagon.

CommieLibunatic October 12, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Besides that, cruel and unusual punishment is a great idea unless it's your father, son, brother, or your own stupid self being put to the irons.

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 5:52 pm

But that would require foresight, Commie.

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 2:06 pm

It's still not quite cruel and unusual enough; how about bringing back crucifixion?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Crucifixion? Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.

Not_So_Much October 12, 2011 at 3:51 pm

No, uh, freedom actually! Just kidding, crucifixion it is.

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Let me carry your cross, my son..

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody mess. Nail 'em up I say! Nail some sense into 'em!

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Crucifixion's a dawdle.

Eve8Apples October 12, 2011 at 3:20 pm

If it's good enough for Jeebus, it should be good enough for the average Florida criminal.

bflrtsplk October 12, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Forget that. Drawing and quartering beats 'em all.

snackypants October 12, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Crucifixion doesn't televise that well.

James Michael Curley October 12, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Made great lamp posts in Spartacus.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Really. They're always cutting to commercial just when the crucifixee yells out, "O God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Instant replay just doesn't work.

Rosie_Scenario October 12, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Just think of all the new religions!

OKthennext October 12, 2011 at 4:37 pm

That IS a rosie scenario!

littlebigdaddy October 12, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Anal crucifixion!

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Vlad Libel!!!

FuzzyPlushroom October 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

The two things the radical right most often faps to?! What a combination!

Y'know, I think I'm gonna start a band, call it that.

GunToting[Redacted] October 12, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Coming soon to a Florida near you… Death by Hammering Squad!

DashboardBuddha October 12, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Could this be what evangelicals really mean when they talk about 'laying on of hands'?

hagajim October 12, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Or maybe they can draw and quarter them in the public square before ripping out their intestines and leaving them on the ground while they die?

starfanglednut October 12, 2011 at 6:55 pm

That made me laugh out loud. God help me.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Can the volunteers bring their own machine guns? How about a bazooka? Flamethrower? RPG? Stinger missile?

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 3:26 pm

The really sick fucks would bring a BB gun and just ping the convict for hours.

weejee October 12, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Cream pies?

Chichikovovich October 12, 2011 at 3:52 pm

The plan is to line all the death-row inmates up so that one by one, on the command of "pull!" they can be catapulted into the air, and Cheney, Scalia and the rest of their hunting buddies can fire shotguns at em.

starfanglednut October 12, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Predator drone or GTFO.

hollywooddood October 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Maybe they'll televise it on Fox News so we can all enjoy it.

emmelemm October 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

PPV only! You gotta cough up the dough if you want the entertainment.

Arken October 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

It'll save the state from bankruptcy!

Especially if we let them fight to the death with swords and tridents.

BornInATrailer October 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Maybe they'll be chased by a colorful cast of costumed regular executioners.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Professor Sub-Zero is now just… plain Zero.

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Sometimes it seems like American society is just one step away from televised blood sports.

AJWjr. October 12, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Or on SNL.

Swampgas_Man October 12, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Better than any of Kristen Wiig's characters.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Hell, combine it with dwarf-tossing and charge admission.

PULL!!!!!

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 5:10 pm

You could then crown a champion team… toss height and marksmanship!

poncho_pilot October 13, 2011 at 12:35 am

who runs Bartertown?

memzilla October 12, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Let's combine it with yesterday's item about outsourcing prison labor, and let convicted killers perform the executions. Savings: at least $500K per execution!

Mumbletypeg October 12, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Getting closer to Catch-22-hallucinatory-yet-plausible by the minute, this is.

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Everybody has a share, of blood on their hands.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm

… and they can do it in 24 hour shifts!

HarryButtle October 12, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Needs moar Snake Plisskin.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Doesn't everything?

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Bring on the hemlock!

SexySmurf October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Can you still opt for death by snu-snu?

CommieLibunatic October 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm

That sounds well and good until your pelvis is crushed.

gurukalehuru October 12, 2011 at 3:44 pm

bunga bunga!

Moonbatting Average October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

I say we hang 'em with an electrified noose and a stick of dynamite up their ass.

For jaywalking.

Beat that, Drake.

RedneckMuslin October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

That's jus the strawberry syrup talkin'.

bureaucrap October 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

you meant "strawberry "syrup"". Not to be confused with any known edible substance.

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

That explains this horribly bad idea — the blueberry syrup is the one with the degree in criminal justice.

OC_Surf_Serf October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Why do so many Americans hate Americans?

OC_Surf_Serf October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Oh, 'baggers are ok with Waffle House Death Panels…

Serolf_Divad October 12, 2011 at 4:22 pm

You know, if Obama had just said that he came up with his Health Care Reform act after overhearing a couple of drunk rednecks talking at 3:00 am at a Waffle House, the Tea Party would totally have embraced the legislation.

AJWjr. October 12, 2011 at 5:22 pm

I stopped at a Waffle House in De Funiak Springs back in 2005, but I don't know if it was the same one. They're everywhere down there, and if shootin' doesn't come up in conversation, it's at least on your mind before you leave.

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

As long as we piss test them first.

ApplesauceRobot October 12, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Nice!

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Sucker! I already introduced a bill in the Florida legislature with the name, "Shit I Overheard in a Waffle House Act of 2011", so he'll have to wait until next year.

(My bill is for the purposes of requiring every Florida school lunch to be Scattered, Smothered, Covered, Chunked & Topped.)

MissTaken October 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Firing Squad is the new Waffle House name for the Scattered, Covered, and Capped Combo.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Please, until drawing and quartering makes a comeback, they are all pikers.

Spurning Beer October 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Compassionate conservatives do not approve of drawing and quartering criminals. They would exercise some leniency, and have them drawn and thirded.

Grief_Lessons October 12, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Cicero makes reference to an execution method that saw the convict sewn into a leather bag with a live snake, dog, monkey, and rooster, and then thrown into a river.

When I consider that the western world grew out of the Roman Empire, it gives me some perspective on why we're all so incredibly cruel.

GunToting[Redacted] October 12, 2011 at 4:18 pm

That sounds like the dinner special at Waffle House.

hagajim October 12, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Does the pikers reference the slapping of the head on a pike? Now that would be a nice tourist draw.

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Not just the head; live impaling in old Vlad's style could really get the ratings.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I'm pretty sure that Sea World Orlando has already done that.

veritass October 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Florida republicans are just looking for something fun to distract them from the new, harsh reality that welfare recipients aren't actually all lazy drug users. It's a tough life, but putting a bullet through the brain of another human every once in a while 'ought to ease the pain.

smokefilleddoommate October 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

…after which, the prisoners are effectively 'scattered, smothered, chunked, diced and capped'. Is that the punchline?

smokefilleddoommate October 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Thank god the Waffle House idiot didn't mention keel-hauling or an Iron Maiden.

JustPixelz October 12, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Meanwhile, the hostess was talking about giving people "the chair" (near the kitchen). And, in the next booth, someone was talking about beheading (a chicken who then ran around). Meanwhile, another customer was talking about the waitress's great rack.

The Waffle House is a regular criminal justice think tank.

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Iron Maiden? Excellent!! [Plays air guitar].

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I am not a number…

Blueb4sunrise October 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Fuck that.
I thought stoning was the way the fundies wanted.

comrad_darkness October 12, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Creeping Sharia!

MaxNeanderthal October 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Way to get ahead in politics you brain dead baboon. Pick up your major policy strategies from a Jabba the Hutt fat fuck spewing out his semen encrusted revenge fantasies in a grease pit roach hole down in the swamps……
Could you fulfil any more cliches about your average GOP wack-off wet dreams? Or are you trying to be ironic?

Jukesgrrl October 12, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Ironic? He doesn't even know what that means.

Chichikovovich October 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm

He's also planning to revive the practice of tearing prisoners' flesh from their bodies using red hot ironics.

AutomaticPilot October 12, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Yes, he knows irony as defined by Alanis Morrissette: 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.

MzNicky October 12, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I think that is the standard method by which one advances politically in Florida, yes.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

You know, more elected officials should do whatever insane shit they overhear while at a Waffle House. Truck Nutz for all!!!!

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 3:55 pm

I don't know why, but that reminded me of Walnuts thinking it was a good idea to have his pill popping money bags wife, Cindy, aka, "Cunt", dance at Sturgis. HENNGH?!

FlownOver October 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Be sure the executee is right in the middle. Much less suffering when you're shot from all directions at once.

jonzin October 12, 2011 at 3:13 pm

The panhandle of Florida is where the crazy goes to multiply. They get the worst rednecks from Alabama and Georgia and just let them run wild.

Spurning Beer October 12, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Yep, DeFuniak Springs is out here in the Pee-handle. The senator who came up with the brilliant idea to forbid medical professionals from inquiring about guns in the household (on penalty of five million dollar fine) was from out here, too.

Pensacola is the only place I ever saw an actual "Colored Entrance" sign, about 45 years ago. And I lived in Montgomery at the time.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Maybe they can re-open one of the bankrupt jai-alai courts as a present-day Thunderdome, and sell tix to the underemployed of Florida. Bread and Circuses FTW!!!

Two men enter, one man leaves.

emmelemm October 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Even Mel Gibson wouldn't kill the r*tard. Rick Perry for the sociopath win.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Two men enter, one man leaves.

…and then Jose comes in and picks up the leaves.

SayItWithWookies October 12, 2011 at 3:13 pm

What could possibly go wrong? Besides, of course, all the volunteer yokel executioners missing the condemned's heart and having to sit there while he coughs up blood for half an hour, making agonizing noises while a doctor presses his stethoscope to the guy's chest waiting for the heartbeat to stop and the press writing lengthy, grotesque dispatches about it and the yokel executioners having to get treated for PTSD and then the lawsuits by the witnesses, the family of the deceased, the ACLU, the constant bad press, the mocking by the Iranians about how primitive Florida's judicial system is, and finally the expression of revulsion by the likes of Antonin Scalia about how even he thinks this is inhuman. So anyway — is it gonna be broadcast on C-SPAN or ESPN?

OccupyFnChicken October 12, 2011 at 3:22 pm

"revulsion by the likes of Antonin Scalia about how even he thinks this is inhuman"

dude, corporations are people, too. Don't worry about this part.

Sharkey October 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I like what you did here.

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 3:40 pm

CMT.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 12, 2011 at 3:44 pm

All of those problems is why it is just so much easier to kneel the condemned in front of a trench and shoot him in the back of the head. Why is it that Americans refuse to learn from the Chinese?

James Michael Curley October 12, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Kind of like the trial and execution of Nicolae Ceausescu on Christmas Day, 1989. One report of the event had that while hand cuffed Ceausecu was able to run around the court yard and his wife was kicking the executioneers. He was then grabbed and thrown to the groud and shot while laying there. It is said one can find a vid on you tube.

Mumbletypeg October 12, 2011 at 4:17 pm

coughs up blood for half an hour, making agonizing noises

In the film The Horde I found one scene wherein a gunshot victim balefully coughs & hiccups his own blood way more excruciating than any sounds the zombies, ostensible sources of quelle horreur, were capable of making.

Great quote from that film: "Religion is just death insurance."

AJWjr. October 12, 2011 at 5:47 pm

They should each be allowed to bring in a "second", like duelers of olde. If for nothing else than to hold their beer while they draw down on the convict.

zhubajie October 13, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Probably a special cable channel: deathspan or something.

SaintRond October 12, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Maybe they could have a contest to get on the firing squad, finding out who can plug the most tossed dwarfs before they hit the ground. Yee hah!!!

edgydrifter October 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

It's always about shooting your gun in someone's face, isn't it? Bulletkake.

Indiepalin October 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

With said firing squads to take place during halftime of a Dolphins game, in an effort to boost attendance to a less embarrassing level.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:22 pm

With a flyover by F-16Cs of the 482d Fighter Wing at Homestead Air Reserve Base!!!

James Michael Curley October 12, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Would be a lot more effective than a half time show by Britney Spears.

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Let's get Hank Jr. back in the game.

♪ ♫ Are you ready for the blindfold! ♪ ♫

SheriffRoscoe October 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I keep telling these guys, "you gotta give Sharia Law a chance……you'll fucking LOVE the way they execute their prisoners!"

JustPixelz October 12, 2011 at 4:44 pm

And they don't fuck around with so-called scentific "DNA" that just lets the guilty go scot-free. "CSI: Miami"? Just execute someone, that's all the evidence we need.

Rosie_Scenario October 12, 2011 at 4:46 pm

"Kill 'em all, and let the Lord sort 'em out."

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Kill all of 'em, Katie.

Spurning Beer October 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Waffle House cuisine is actually an effective, slow and cruel form of execution.

MissTaken October 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Nothing says America like a Waffle House Firing Squad.

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Nothing says the South anyway; above the Mason-Dixon line it's an IHOP Firing Squad.

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 3:57 pm

In Jersey it's Death by Diner.

baconzgood October 12, 2011 at 4:30 pm

We got Eat-N-Parks here.

qwerty42 October 12, 2011 at 3:18 pm

What about the good old standby: hanging? Or beheading (would have to hire a European-style headsman, so maybe too elitist?) I'm sure a careful reading of medieval texts would yield a treasure trove of great ways to kill people.

GunToting[Redacted] October 12, 2011 at 4:24 pm

There was a TV show recently where an FX house in Columbus researched and built medieval torture and execution devices. Lots of good ideas there! The Boot, The Pear of Anguish, old standards like the rack, pendulum. I wonder if they ever published a book of the blueprints?

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Waterboard them to death. It's all legal Mr. Cheney.

AJWjr. October 12, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I'm sure we can find a decendent of Duncan McCleod right here in the USA; there can be only one!

zhubajie October 13, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Byzantine! Dragged to death by a diarrhetic camel!

MistaEko October 12, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Conversely, at a Native Foods in California, a constituent will tell their Democratic representative "you know what would help a lot of issues? careful application of tarriffs on trade agreements." The representative will think about this and then punch the guy in the mouth out of fear the conversation was being taped and he gets primaried.

YasserArraFeck October 12, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Brilliant – a method of execution that not only is entertaining (noise, flashes & smoke! – each execution a potential Summer Blockbuster), but it receives the Second Amendment Seal of Approval (this, of course, would not have been an issue if they had stuck with the original text of the Second Amendment: "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms or syringes of potassium chloride, shall not be infringed")

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Maybe they could just have the condemned eat All-Star Breakfasts until they explode, or succumb to clogged arteries.

Spurning Beer October 12, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Not the cheese grits, though. That's just too cruel.

mereoblivion October 12, 2011 at 3:19 pm

This is good news for Zombie Charlton H.
Anyone else get the feeling the whole gun-control battle is over and the decent people lost?

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 3:20 pm

We could just have prisoners beat them to death, as an austerity measure, Southern Heritage style.

DerrickWildcat October 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm

"I mean how cool would it be if we had 14 people lined up each using a Dirty Harry, .44 Mag hand cannon to perform the execution of the perp!"

RadioOcupados October 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Hey, I got's to know.

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake.

cheetojeebus October 12, 2011 at 3:23 pm

I bet the story of how this idiot wound up in office is a tale few would believe. A regular Horatio Alger story I bet.
" I was sittin' over the Waffle House and this good American next to me says, 'Damn you gots some good ideas you ouhta run fer office'. <bbbbbbelch> damn, that bacon tastes just as good the second time 'round…And so, I decided to run." <banjos>

Eve8Apples October 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Florida has alot of pythons and alligators roaming around. In an homage to the ancient Romans, we should build a huge stadium and let the prisoners battle to the death with the Florida wildlife. We can charge admission to the tourists and show it on pay per view.

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 3:38 pm

They aren't HEARTLESS, galldamnit. They wouldn't let an animal get hurt. Unless it was by them pulling the trigger on the sonofabitch.

Eve8Apples October 12, 2011 at 3:47 pm

We'll keep the handcuffs on the prisoners so they don't hurt the snakes or gators.

forgracie October 12, 2011 at 3:27 pm

There is no irony here….DeFuniak Springs was established as a resort for the Chatauqua Movement. The Movement itself was an "adult education movement."

This is a failure on so many levels. Anywho, nice spring there–cold water in July and all the body ink and half the toofers you can take.

AlaskaGrrl October 12, 2011 at 3:28 pm

And why not just make it a Disney World attraction and make a few bucks on the deal? I'm mean really! C'mon Florida! You have no shame, so let's step up and show the world just how bat-shit nuts you really are!

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 3:28 pm

It is like the GOP is thinking, "Hey, you know all of those things that the rest of the world lagged behind us in… like freedom and humanity for all those years? Fuck that shit… let's go barbaric on their asses… that'll show 'em! USA! USA!"

OneYieldRegular October 12, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Jesus wept.

Jukesgrrl October 12, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I don't know how Jesus has any tears left.

mumbly_joe October 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Patrick Henry wept, also, too.

Ohforcripessake October 12, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Jesus Weened

emmelemm October 12, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Muscular, Teabaggin' Jesus never cries.

Sue4466 October 12, 2011 at 3:30 pm

How about hanging? drawing & quartering? boiling oil? guillotine? too good for the condemned of Florida, eh?

Rep Drake is such a pansy.

FlownOver October 12, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Just put the condemned on an ice floe.

There aren't? OK, nevermind.

Sue4466 October 12, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Just imagine the GOP reaction to global warming if the preferred method of execution was ice floe.

Oblios_Cap October 12, 2011 at 3:30 pm

You might think that, with its popluation of snowbirds and recent immigrants, South Florida would be somewhat saner than the portion of America's Dinghus™ up here in Lower Alabama.

You would be fucking wrong. That place is a lunatic asyalum.

prommie October 12, 2011 at 3:31 pm

To preserve the anonymity of the volunteer executioners, they will wear white capes and large, pointy white hoods, the traditional garb of "amatuer executioners" in the South.

chascates October 12, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Orlando's newest theme park: The Coliseum! Enjoy live justice and social bonding with people like you. Spacious seats, clean restrooms, snack bar, and a gift shop.

Early bird discounts and family nights.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 3:32 pm

It's easy to see how Hiaasen gets the plotlines for his stories.

Oblios_Cap October 12, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Damn- that was in DeFuniak, the place where my late buddy JJ (his pub here in Tallahasee made the best Chuck-A-Burgers) was a state representative from.

I guess this whole state is a loony bin, no matter where you're from. The heat bakes our brains.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 4:07 pm

It ain't the heat… it's the Humanity.

ndisang67 October 12, 2011 at 3:33 pm

while we are at it…can we also make some money? Just bring back the gladiator..throw them to the beasts then charge entry…..that should be a spectacle..then I can finally make it to Florida for a front row seat…

snackypants October 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Thank you Kirsten for writing this sentence:

"But this one is an especially cloudy, yellowed gem with a particularly elegant “Republican-trucker diner-firing squad execution” trifecta of tragicomedy that will be our new standard in redneck crazy."

Jukesgrrl October 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Maybe they can bus in the prisoner/slaves from Georgia to man the firing squad in between watching houses burn down.

Blueb4sunrise October 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Bobo's Applebee Sociology and The Mustache Cabbie Economics.
Waffle House Justice.

ndisang67 October 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm

thanks Wonketters/GOP/rethugs for brightening my dreary 8 hrs…

MzNicky October 12, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Oh God. Please, nobody tell our Rep. Curry Todd about this.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 3:38 pm

"…like the same crazy white people who first showed up in Florida 500 years ago."

Howz about Death by Small Pox?

PubOption October 12, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Death by Pox has already been tried in Tuskegee, Alabama.

BarackMyWorld October 12, 2011 at 3:50 pm

On the next episode of "Dexter"…

baconzgood October 12, 2011 at 3:50 pm

If I got to choose the way I'd go 3 words: Death by bacon.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 4:09 pm

But… bacon wouldn't kill ya… 'cuz baconzgood…

(I know… just tryin' to lighten the mood)

baconzgood October 12, 2011 at 4:23 pm

If it tastes that good it HAS to be bad. If I had my way I'd put bacon in my coffee. Mmmmmm baffee gllllaaaaaggggggg….

emmelemm October 12, 2011 at 4:48 pm
baconzgood October 12, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Sex and bacon…..I don't know. I have no problem with that but the lil' lady is a vegetarian. I'll give her the option of sex & bacon or a donkey punch for my next birthday.

hilbillyheroine October 12, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Well, such conundrum for me.

gurukalehuru October 12, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Occupy Florida! No, seriously, the Federal Government should fucking occupy Florida.

UnholyMoses October 12, 2011 at 4:29 pm

There's a reason Fark has a Florida tag — and none for any other state.

Not_So_Much October 12, 2011 at 3:52 pm

This is good, sound legislation because its not like Florida has anything better for their state legislature to be working on.

baconzgood October 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Firing squad? Sure as long as it's that guy from You Can't Do That On Television saying "Ready….Aim…"

Monsieur_Grumpe October 12, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Nothing good ever came from a Waffle House and that includes breakfast or legislation.

hilbillyheroine October 12, 2011 at 4:03 pm

I don't know how many of you guys PERSONALLY have been involved in a death penalty case. I actually hate the death penalty, but sometimes it is appropriate.

I was involved once. It involved a crazy Christian preacher who killed a boy, just a boy, that I knew. He was 20 years old, sweet as pie, and had a wife and little girl. The crazy Christian preacher cut his head off…to punish the boy's mother for dumping him. The preacher never apologized. I wrote the Oklahoma board of Prisons, and requested the bastard get the death penalty. His last remark was that God was on his side for punishing the mother (sins of the mother/father), and that the rest of us were going to hell. He cost Oklahoma over $1,000,000.00 in appeals, and ate a $50 meal before he died. I hope he choked on it. I don't believe in Hell, but I hope the fucker is getting fucked by Satan every minute of every day. Dougie was one of the sweetest kids I ever knew, and he didn't deserve to have his head cut off.

GFPcat October 12, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Give 'em the electric chair for life. Hangin's too good for 'em. Who knew the combination of pancake batter and maple syrup could serve as the answer to this ethical conundrum.

Limeylizzie October 12, 2011 at 4:04 pm

A week with an ex-boyfriend of mine, Steve it's you, would suffice , he was such a boor and talked non-stop about himself and when other people were around he would only listen to them in order to jump in when someone stopped talking and just start on about something he was interested in.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 4:13 pm

You know… I used to be like that. One time when I was walking down the street I

(not really, I could not hang out with that guy)

Limeylizzie October 12, 2011 at 4:27 pm

It was torture, he was very smart and it swayed me for a while and then I saw the horrible truth that was his personality. He wasn't even attractive, it was one of those “What was I thinking?” relationships.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Was the guy an architect? I've known a number of architects, and you just described them all to a "T".

Limeylizzie October 12, 2011 at 4:45 pm

No, he was in film distribution. Also, bullshit distribution .

Steverino247 October 12, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Different Steve, I'm happy to say. (Whew!)

Monsieur_Grumpe October 12, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I dated (briefly) the female equivalent of Steve. At least I hope she wasn’t Steve.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Ditto- However she only thought she was smart… and she was the only one who thought that. She did read a lot, mostly "self-help" books… she had a mountain of 'em… and like George Carlin said,"That's not self help… that's help!"

metamarcisf October 12, 2011 at 4:04 pm

But harvest their organs first.

owhatever October 12, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Cheerleaders? Maybe?

Ancient_Hacker October 12, 2011 at 4:08 pm

What? Give the INMATE more choice? What's with all this molly-coddling of inmates? When I was a boy it was not fun to be a death-row inmate, looking forward to a choice of electrocution or firing-squad. Next thing you know, they'll be a law requiring them to be offered a blindfold, or a last cigarette. Or nicotine gum, just to be healthier.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 4:09 pm

So, you know how I said before that I was steadfastly committed to fighting climate change since it could potentially result in entire lowlying regions of our country winding up under water?

I'm not anymore.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 12, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I'm burning a tire or two tonight for the cause!

meatlofer October 12, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Couldn't they just get Ol'Sparkey out of the closet.

Tommmcattt October 12, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I'm nonplussed about this Florida law as I am firmly against the death penalty. However, the fact that anyone can volunteer makes me personally shooting Rush Limbaugh a distinct possibility when he finally commits the capital crime we all know is in his psychopathic future.

'Tis a puzzlement…

El Pinche October 12, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Hear hear!

LetUsBray October 12, 2011 at 4:48 pm

They'd have to hold the execution in whatever they're calling the place where the Dolphins play these days just to accommodate all the volunteers.

Tommmcattt October 12, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Maybe we could roll him down a hill and hunt him. The most corpulent game…

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 4:19 pm

This is just naked pandering to Florida's 15 or 20 Mormons, who believe in "blood atonement" for sins and also execute people by firing squad, as so beautifully depicted in The Executioner's Song. Is this a complex, subtle plot by Huntsman? (Couldn't be Romney, as he's never done anything subtle in his whole life.)

ManchuCandidate October 12, 2011 at 4:19 pm

It's all fine and dandy till a white Xtian GOPer gets shot.

slowhansolo October 12, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Use the remains to fertilize the corporate farms and citrus groves, for even more double plus good synergy.

hagajim October 12, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Why not turn them loose in the everglades hunted by a pack of shooters who have air support….at least if they could avoid the hunters a gator or snake might take care of them.

Steverino247 October 12, 2011 at 4:28 pm

While I oppose the death penalty for a lot of reasons, chief of which is the fact that the State fucks up a lot, I don't see why they don't use a hypobaric chamber method that doesn't require puncturing veins or strapping people down. Just slowly drop the air pressure in the room until the condemned loses consciousness and eventually dies. Like that thing they do with pilot training only don't stop. No last meals or final statements. It's an ugly thing to do to someone, so why try to glamorize it with bullshit rituals. Get it over with quickly.

And how would this new procedure affect Sarah Palin?

Blueb4sunrise October 12, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Won't they explode?

AJWjr. October 12, 2011 at 6:34 pm

I think it might just equalize the vacuum already in her head.

UnholyMoses October 12, 2011 at 4:28 pm

" … we imagine the public showing up in Spanish Inquisition-era uniforms … "

No one expects the Spanish Redneck Inquisition!

I mean, really — the only uniforms they'd choose would involve a wife beater and jean shorts matched with black shoes. Maybe they could use Cheeto stains as some sort of insignia and the number of domestic battery charges as some sort of ranking system*.

(* Kansas residents need not apply.)

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Utterly OT…sorta. So I'm searching for some grisly pix of the Great Leap Forward famine to pry students' heads off the desks and I run across a stupid ass site that has those fucking godawful, I dunno what you call 'em, the deals where they underline/highlight something that balloons out to an ad when you hover over it. You know.

So anyway, here's the passage with the balloon word in bold: “People ate anything. There were deaths in every family. Dead bodies were everywhere. Finally, people started eating humans, including living ones and relatives.”

And the balloon text? Find Lawyer Listings.

SayItWithWookies October 12, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I always wondered what was under those "Obey this one trick to lose belly fat" teasers. Thanks!

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Wow. In one fell swoop you perpetually ruined my appetite for both pork belly and fatty tuna.

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Lawyer. It's what's for dinner.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I don't know… but if I'm living… you ain't eating.

Nostrildamus October 12, 2011 at 4:59 pm

The bill does not specify whether members of the public may volunteer or may be chosen for the firing squad by the warden …

nor does it specify whether the condemned will be first flayed and left for the vultures,

nor does it specify whether the execution squad may wear Nazi regalia,

nor does it mentions the distribution of advertising revenue generated from the execution,

nor does it mention any possible dwarf-tossing afterparty.

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 5:15 pm

nor does it mention the possibility of having executions at a monster truck rally.

Neoyorquino October 12, 2011 at 5:02 pm

These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.

mormos October 12, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Fun Fact: You can still be put to death by firing squad in Utah for religious reasons! Mormons require that you bleed upon execution.

gurukalehuru October 12, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Wildly OT, of course, but Wonkette should write something about the upcoming royal wedding in Bhutan. Because the king's name is Jigme something something Wangchuk.

National_Turkey October 12, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Possibly too "eye-for-an-eye" a solution, but if the aggrieved party wishes to seek the death penalty, perhaps the aggrieved party should shoulder the responsibility to carry it out. It sure beats the current situation where a state can take the life of one of its citizens!

bflrtsplk October 12, 2011 at 5:12 pm

It's only a matter of time before Brad Drake gets caught in some embarrassing public toilet scenario where … well you know the rest.

qwerty42 October 12, 2011 at 5:16 pm

What is with the current Republican party and capital punishment? Is it part of the "culture of life"? Doesn't sound too much as though it is based on the Sermon on the Mount.

DashboardBuddha October 12, 2011 at 5:20 pm

What about Monday Night Rehabilitation?

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Sponsored by Brawndo!

HarryButtle October 12, 2011 at 7:15 pm

This is good news…for Hank Williams Jr.

AJWjr. October 12, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Whatever! The guy's guilty as shit!

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Fun fact trivia I heard somewhere — probably on teh teevee:

The government was looking for an alternative to hanging, which if the drop distance wasn't just right sometimes resulted in decapitation or slow strangulation. They decided against firing squads because the gun manufacturers didn't want the bad publicity. Thomas Edison invented the electric chair as a way to give bad publicity to Westinghouse, whose AC was killing his DC in the marketplace. Westinghouse wouldn't sell him an AC generator so he had to covertly buy a used one through a third party.

Now you know… and knowing is half the battle!

Guppy06 October 12, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I am firmly in favor of shooting people who use a financial crisis as a pretext to establish an autocratic government with claims to divine authority.

Wait, I'm supposed to read all those words as well?

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I love the last line-
"…and indeed a factor in the failure of the Great Leap Forward."

WigFlipper October 12, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Yeah, as barbaric and backwards as firing squad sounds, I'd sure as hell rather get a bullet in the head than decaying experimental chemicals from an unregulated Alabaman supply depot, or whatever the fuck they use for lethal injection.

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 5:52 pm

conservatives are good with teh internetz. I'm sure they could crowdsource the execution method. But then the #1 response would be death by legalizing weed.

buffalogal October 12, 2011 at 6:02 pm

" If it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge and be done with it,” Does he ever say exactly who "them" are?

fitley October 12, 2011 at 6:22 pm

How about we stick the prisoners head up Drake's ass until they suffocate.

unclejeems October 12, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Um, now that you mention Drake's ass, it's been rumored that Edward II was murdered by having a red-hot poker thrust up his anus. Now there's a Republican method of execution. You're killed and fucked at the same time, but no mark is left on the body. Perfect.

rocktonsam October 12, 2011 at 9:25 pm

we live in a country where they can't kill a convicted person fast enough, can't save an unborn soon enough, can't cut out the basic needs of a living poor person at all.

Jesusween indeed.

characterfirst2 October 12, 2011 at 9:37 pm

The electric chair and firing squads are too messy. My preference is for public hangings. Lets all see the fear in their eyes. We should start in Washington

DahBoner October 12, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Crackhead ideas just grow on trees as bountifully as the citrus in Florida, don’t they?

In the words of the imortal Butthole Surfers:

"All the sausages that dance like Ray Bolger on the hood of a car in a traffic jam, know just exactly.. what to do."

Moving to FLUR-i-DUH!!!

Negropolis October 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm

This isn't even funny, anymore. That elected officials in as large as something like a state legislature feel comfortable saying this is really scary. Obviously, this won't pass, but the inhumanity of these fuckers is astounding.

Schmegeg October 13, 2011 at 12:57 am

Ouch, a 45c? Cleanup in aisle 3.

zhubajie October 13, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Machine gun, like Thailand!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: