This too was the product of a Waffle House pancake syrup-induced fever dream.Oh, Florida. Florida Florida Florida. Crackhead ideas just grow on trees as bountifully as the citrus in Florida, don’t they? But this one is an especially cloudy, yellowed gem with a particularly elegant “Republican-trucker diner-firing squad execution” trifecta of tragicomedy that will be our new standard in redneck crazy: once upon a few days ago, GOP state representative Brad Drake wandered into one of the wretched Waffle House obesity gulags in his district and overheard an insane person wishfully dreaming of the days when condemned prisoners were put to death by firing squad. “I can make this lunatic man’s medieval murder sex dream come true!” Drake thought to himself, which means that he has introduced a bill to the Florida legislature for just this purpose.

From the Florida Current:

In a Waffle House in DeFuniak Springs, Drake said he heard a constituent say, “‘You know, they ought to just put them in the electric chair or line them up in front of a firing squad.'” After a conversation with the person, Drake, 36, said he decided to file the bill.

“There shouldn’t be anything controversial about a .45-caliber bullet. If it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge and be done with it,” Drake said.

Under the bill, electrocution would be the standard method of executions, but the bill would allow inmates to opt for an execution by firing squad.

Squad members would be chosen by the warden of the prison housing the death row inmate. The bill does not specify whether members of the public may volunteer or may be chosen for the firing squad by the warden, but it does allow for Department of Corrections employees to opt out of taking a part in any execution. It also does not proscribe the number of people to be involved in the firing squad.

“Members of the public may volunteer!”  That is our favorite part of the story, because we imagine the public showing up in Spanish Inquisition-era uniforms salivating over their rusty guns, probably much like the same crazy white people who first showed up in Florida 500 years ago.

Your move, Arizona. [Florida Current; Thanks to Wonkette operative “MK”]

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  • nounverb911

    Aren't bullets expensive? Will Florida bill the executionee's family for the bullets like they do in China?

    • GregComlish

      That's why the executions are BYOB. Or BYOS if you're a shotgun man.

    • Generation[redacted]

      They'll get billed more for the interrogation that elicited the confession in the first place. Those highly trained experts are expensive!

      • Nostrildamus

        "Becoming a cop is _not_ something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge."

    • AJWjr.

      Eh, cheaper than electricity…

  • PuckStopsHere

    Rick Perry is pissed off he didn't think of this first.

    • chicken_thief

      Or Rick Scott. There must be a way for his medical centers to make a buck off this.

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        Drug test the volunteer shooters.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Don’t worry. Execution by pick-up truck is coming to a stadium near you real soon.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Sounds a bit messy. If you're going to go that route, why not just have a big glass- walled shark tank or something? That'd be cooler.

    • GOPCrusher

      No. I think Rick Perry wants to think outside the box here and make executions a Pay Per View event. The Texas state treasury will be running a surplus in a couple of years.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Gary Gilmore.

    • emmelemm

      Shouldn't that be Zombie Gary Gilmore?

    • hagajim

      I think old Gary lost the ability to move so well a few years back….via that other wingnut state Utah!

  • chicken_thief

    “There shouldn’t be anything controversial about a .45-caliber bullet. If it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge and be done with it,” Drake said.

    Remind me to never drive on whatever road goes UNDER the Sunshine Skyway…

    • Thurman Munster IV

      That would be Tampa Bay

      • CommieLibunatic

        So then remind me to never drive around the Tampa Bay. Unless I feel the need for some good ol' corpse huntin'.

        • WhatTheHeck

          Remember, a body in motion, stars in motion, until it falls on your head.

      • crybabyboehner

        John Lerro Blvd.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe it's a bridge over a waterway.

      "Hey, you scratched my anchor!!"

  • nounverb911

    “Members of the public may volunteer!”
    Bring your own gun.

    • chicken_thief

      Curry Todd has his pickup headed that way – loaded pistol and a case of icy cold ones in tow!

    • OzoneTom

      I think that they are missing out on a chance to make some money here. They should raffle the tags off like they do elk and moose tags — but charge more.

      • chicken_thief

        Grover Norquist said ix-nay on the "new tax".

        • Generation[redacted]

          Call it The Lottery.

          And "bring your own gun" is sure to produce some interesting results.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Will women have to dress as men, complete with cheezy fake beards if they want to participate?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        "Jehovah, Jehovah, JEHOVAH!!!!"

  • ttommyunger

    Ninety Per Cent of those mouth-breathing FuckTards would get Buck Fever and freeze up when the time came to actually pull the trigger on another human being. Nothing noisier than an empty wagon.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Besides that, cruel and unusual punishment is a great idea unless it's your father, son, brother, or your own stupid self being put to the irons.

      • ttommyunger

        But that would require foresight, Commie.

  • SorosBot

    It's still not quite cruel and unusual enough; how about bringing back crucifixion?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Can the volunteers bring their own machine guns? How about a bazooka? Flamethrower? RPG? Stinger missile?

  • hollywooddood

    Maybe they'll televise it on Fox News so we can all enjoy it.

    • emmelemm

      PPV only! You gotta cough up the dough if you want the entertainment.

      • Arken

        It'll save the state from bankruptcy!

        Especially if we let them fight to the death with swords and tridents.

    • BornInATrailer

      Maybe they'll be chased by a colorful cast of costumed regular executioners.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Professor Sub-Zero is now just… plain Zero.

    • SorosBot

      Sometimes it seems like American society is just one step away from televised blood sports.

    • AJWjr.

      Or on SNL.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Better than any of Kristen Wiig's characters.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Hell, combine it with dwarf-tossing and charge admission.


    • DaRooster

      You could then crown a champion team… toss height and marksmanship!

    • poncho_pilot

      who runs Bartertown?

  • memzilla

    Let's combine it with yesterday's item about outsourcing prison labor, and let convicted killers perform the executions. Savings: at least $500K per execution!

    • Getting closer to Catch-22-hallucinatory-yet-plausible by the minute, this is.

      • Come here a minute

        Everybody has a share, of blood on their hands.

    • DaRooster

      … and they can do it in 24 hour shifts!

    • HarryButtle

      Needs moar Snake Plisskin.

      • DaRooster

        Doesn't everything?

    • SorosBot

      Bring on the hemlock!

  • SexySmurf

    Can you still opt for death by snu-snu?

    • CommieLibunatic

      That sounds well and good until your pelvis is crushed.

    • bunga bunga!

  • Moonbatting Average

    I say we hang 'em with an electrified noose and a stick of dynamite up their ass.

    For jaywalking.

    Beat that, Drake.

  • RedneckMuslin

    That's jus the strawberry syrup talkin'.

    • bureaucrap

      you meant "strawberry "syrup"". Not to be confused with any known edible substance.

    • Come here a minute

      That explains this horribly bad idea — the blueberry syrup is the one with the degree in criminal justice.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Why do so many Americans hate Americans?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Oh, 'baggers are ok with Waffle House Death Panels…

    • Serolf_Divad

      You know, if Obama had just said that he came up with his Health Care Reform act after overhearing a couple of drunk rednecks talking at 3:00 am at a Waffle House, the Tea Party would totally have embraced the legislation.

    • AJWjr.

      I stopped at a Waffle House in De Funiak Springs back in 2005, but I don't know if it was the same one. They're everywhere down there, and if shootin' doesn't come up in conversation, it's at least on your mind before you leave.

  • RadioOcupados

    As long as we piss test them first.

    • ApplesauceRobot


  • Come here a minute

    Sucker! I already introduced a bill in the Florida legislature with the name, "Shit I Overheard in a Waffle House Act of 2011", so he'll have to wait until next year.

    (My bill is for the purposes of requiring every Florida school lunch to be Scattered, Smothered, Covered, Chunked & Topped.)

  • MissTaken

    Firing Squad is the new Waffle House name for the Scattered, Covered, and Capped Combo.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Please, until drawing and quartering makes a comeback, they are all pikers.

    • Compassionate conservatives do not approve of drawing and quartering criminals. They would exercise some leniency, and have them drawn and thirded.

    • Grief_Lessons

      Cicero makes reference to an execution method that saw the convict sewn into a leather bag with a live snake, dog, monkey, and rooster, and then thrown into a river.

      When I consider that the western world grew out of the Roman Empire, it gives me some perspective on why we're all so incredibly cruel.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        That sounds like the dinner special at Waffle House.

    • hagajim

      Does the pikers reference the slapping of the head on a pike? Now that would be a nice tourist draw.

      • SorosBot

        Not just the head; live impaling in old Vlad's style could really get the ratings.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I'm pretty sure that Sea World Orlando has already done that.

  • veritass

    Florida republicans are just looking for something fun to distract them from the new, harsh reality that welfare recipients aren't actually all lazy drug users. It's a tough life, but putting a bullet through the brain of another human every once in a while 'ought to ease the pain.

  • …after which, the prisoners are effectively 'scattered, smothered, chunked, diced and capped'. Is that the punchline?

  • Thank god the Waffle House idiot didn't mention keel-hauling or an Iron Maiden.

    • Meanwhile, the hostess was talking about giving people "the chair" (near the kitchen). And, in the next booth, someone was talking about beheading (a chicken who then ran around). Meanwhile, another customer was talking about the waitress's great rack.

      The Waffle House is a regular criminal justice think tank.

    • SorosBot

      Iron Maiden? Excellent!! [Plays air guitar].

      • DaRooster

        I am not a number…

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Fuck that.
    I thought stoning was the way the fundies wanted.

    • comrad_darkness

      Creeping Sharia!

  • MaxNeanderthal

    Way to get ahead in politics you brain dead baboon. Pick up your major policy strategies from a Jabba the Hutt fat fuck spewing out his semen encrusted revenge fantasies in a grease pit roach hole down in the swamps……
    Could you fulfil any more cliches about your average GOP wack-off wet dreams? Or are you trying to be ironic?

    • Jukesgrrl

      Ironic? He doesn't even know what that means.

      • Chichikovovich

        He's also planning to revive the practice of tearing prisoners' flesh from their bodies using red hot ironics.

      • AutomaticPilot

        Yes, he knows irony as defined by Alanis Morrissette: 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.

    • MzNicky

      I think that is the standard method by which one advances politically in Florida, yes.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, more elected officials should do whatever insane shit they overhear while at a Waffle House. Truck Nutz for all!!!!

    • chicken_thief

      I don't know why, but that reminded me of Walnuts thinking it was a good idea to have his pill popping money bags wife, Cindy, aka, "Cunt", dance at Sturgis. HENNGH?!

  • Be sure the executee is right in the middle. Much less suffering when you're shot from all directions at once.

  • jonzin

    The panhandle of Florida is where the crazy goes to multiply. They get the worst rednecks from Alabama and Georgia and just let them run wild.

    • Yep, DeFuniak Springs is out here in the Pee-handle. The senator who came up with the brilliant idea to forbid medical professionals from inquiring about guns in the household (on penalty of five million dollar fine) was from out here, too.

      Pensacola is the only place I ever saw an actual "Colored Entrance" sign, about 45 years ago. And I lived in Montgomery at the time.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe they can re-open one of the bankrupt jai-alai courts as a present-day Thunderdome, and sell tix to the underemployed of Florida. Bread and Circuses FTW!!!

    Two men enter, one man leaves.

    • emmelemm

      Even Mel Gibson wouldn't kill the r*tard. Rick Perry for the sociopath win.

    • user-of-owls

      Two men enter, one man leaves.

      …and then Jose comes in and picks up the leaves.

  • SayItWithWookies

    What could possibly go wrong? Besides, of course, all the volunteer yokel executioners missing the condemned's heart and having to sit there while he coughs up blood for half an hour, making agonizing noises while a doctor presses his stethoscope to the guy's chest waiting for the heartbeat to stop and the press writing lengthy, grotesque dispatches about it and the yokel executioners having to get treated for PTSD and then the lawsuits by the witnesses, the family of the deceased, the ACLU, the constant bad press, the mocking by the Iranians about how primitive Florida's judicial system is, and finally the expression of revulsion by the likes of Antonin Scalia about how even he thinks this is inhuman. So anyway — is it gonna be broadcast on C-SPAN or ESPN?

    • OccupyFnChicken

      "revulsion by the likes of Antonin Scalia about how even he thinks this is inhuman"

      dude, corporations are people, too. Don't worry about this part.

    • I like what you did here.

    • Come here a minute


    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      All of those problems is why it is just so much easier to kneel the condemned in front of a trench and shoot him in the back of the head. Why is it that Americans refuse to learn from the Chinese?

    • James Michael Curley

      Kind of like the trial and execution of Nicolae Ceausescu on Christmas Day, 1989. One report of the event had that while hand cuffed Ceausecu was able to run around the court yard and his wife was kicking the executioneers. He was then grabbed and thrown to the groud and shot while laying there. It is said one can find a vid on you tube.

    • coughs up blood for half an hour, making agonizing noises

      In the film The Horde I found one scene wherein a gunshot victim balefully coughs & hiccups his own blood way more excruciating than any sounds the zombies, ostensible sources of quelle horreur, were capable of making.

      Great quote from that film: "Religion is just death insurance."

    • AJWjr.

      They should each be allowed to bring in a "second", like duelers of olde. If for nothing else than to hold their beer while they draw down on the convict.

    • zhubajie

      Probably a special cable channel: deathspan or something.

  • SaintRond

    Maybe they could have a contest to get on the firing squad, finding out who can plug the most tossed dwarfs before they hit the ground. Yee hah!!!

  • edgydrifter

    It's always about shooting your gun in someone's face, isn't it? Bulletkake.

  • Indiepalin

    With said firing squads to take place during halftime of a Dolphins game, in an effort to boost attendance to a less embarrassing level.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      With a flyover by F-16Cs of the 482d Fighter Wing at Homestead Air Reserve Base!!!

    • James Michael Curley

      Would be a lot more effective than a half time show by Britney Spears.

    • RadioOcupados

      Let's get Hank Jr. back in the game.

      ♪ ♫ Are you ready for the blindfold! ♪ ♫

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I keep telling these guys, "you gotta give Sharia Law a chance……you'll fucking LOVE the way they execute their prisoners!"

    • And they don't fuck around with so-called scentific "DNA" that just lets the guilty go scot-free. "CSI: Miami"? Just execute someone, that's all the evidence we need.

      • Rosie_Scenario

        "Kill 'em all, and let the Lord sort 'em out."

        • DaRooster

          Kill all of 'em, Katie.

  • Waffle House cuisine is actually an effective, slow and cruel form of execution.

  • MissTaken

    Nothing says America like a Waffle House Firing Squad.

    • SorosBot

      Nothing says the South anyway; above the Mason-Dixon line it's an IHOP Firing Squad.

      • chicken_thief

        In Jersey it's Death by Diner.

        • baconzgood

          We got Eat-N-Parks here.

  • qwerty42

    What about the good old standby: hanging? Or beheading (would have to hire a European-style headsman, so maybe too elitist?) I'm sure a careful reading of medieval texts would yield a treasure trove of great ways to kill people.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      There was a TV show recently where an FX house in Columbus researched and built medieval torture and execution devices. Lots of good ideas there! The Boot, The Pear of Anguish, old standards like the rack, pendulum. I wonder if they ever published a book of the blueprints?

    • RadioOcupados

      Waterboard them to death. It's all legal Mr. Cheney.

    • AJWjr.

      I'm sure we can find a decendent of Duncan McCleod right here in the USA; there can be only one!

    • zhubajie

      Byzantine! Dragged to death by a diarrhetic camel!

  • MistaEko

    Conversely, at a Native Foods in California, a constituent will tell their Democratic representative "you know what would help a lot of issues? careful application of tarriffs on trade agreements." The representative will think about this and then punch the guy in the mouth out of fear the conversation was being taped and he gets primaried.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Brilliant – a method of execution that not only is entertaining (noise, flashes & smoke! – each execution a potential Summer Blockbuster), but it receives the Second Amendment Seal of Approval (this, of course, would not have been an issue if they had stuck with the original text of the Second Amendment: "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms or syringes of potassium chloride, shall not be infringed")

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe they could just have the condemned eat All-Star Breakfasts until they explode, or succumb to clogged arteries.

    • Not the cheese grits, though. That's just too cruel.

  • mereoblivion

    This is good news for Zombie Charlton H.
    Anyone else get the feeling the whole gun-control battle is over and the decent people lost?

  • RadioOcupados

    We could just have prisoners beat them to death, as an austerity measure, Southern Heritage style.

  • "I mean how cool would it be if we had 14 people lined up each using a Dirty Harry, .44 Mag hand cannon to perform the execution of the perp!"

    • RadioOcupados

      Hey, I got's to know.

  • proudgrampa

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

  • cheetojeebus

    I bet the story of how this idiot wound up in office is a tale few would believe. A regular Horatio Alger story I bet.
    " I was sittin' over the Waffle House and this good American next to me says, 'Damn you gots some good ideas you ouhta run fer office'. <bbbbbbelch> damn, that bacon tastes just as good the second time 'round…And so, I decided to run." <banjos>

  • Eve8Apples

    Florida has alot of pythons and alligators roaming around. In an homage to the ancient Romans, we should build a huge stadium and let the prisoners battle to the death with the Florida wildlife. We can charge admission to the tourists and show it on pay per view.

    • chicken_thief

      They aren't HEARTLESS, galldamnit. They wouldn't let an animal get hurt. Unless it was by them pulling the trigger on the sonofabitch.

      • Eve8Apples

        We'll keep the handcuffs on the prisoners so they don't hurt the snakes or gators.

  • forgracie

    There is no irony here….DeFuniak Springs was established as a resort for the Chatauqua Movement. The Movement itself was an "adult education movement."

    This is a failure on so many levels. Anywho, nice spring there–cold water in July and all the body ink and half the toofers you can take.

  • AlaskaGrrl

    And why not just make it a Disney World attraction and make a few bucks on the deal? I'm mean really! C'mon Florida! You have no shame, so let's step up and show the world just how bat-shit nuts you really are!

  • DaRooster

    It is like the GOP is thinking, "Hey, you know all of those things that the rest of the world lagged behind us in… like freedom and humanity for all those years? Fuck that shit… let's go barbaric on their asses… that'll show 'em! USA! USA!"

  • OneYieldRegular

    Jesus wept.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I don't know how Jesus has any tears left.

    • mumbly_joe

      Patrick Henry wept, also, too.

    • Ohforcripessake

      Jesus Weened

    • emmelemm

      Muscular, Teabaggin' Jesus never cries.

  • Sue4466

    How about hanging? drawing & quartering? boiling oil? guillotine? too good for the condemned of Florida, eh?

    Rep Drake is such a pansy.

    • Just put the condemned on an ice floe.

      There aren't? OK, nevermind.

      • Sue4466

        Just imagine the GOP reaction to global warming if the preferred method of execution was ice floe.

  • Oblios_Cap

    You might think that, with its popluation of snowbirds and recent immigrants, South Florida would be somewhat saner than the portion of America's Dinghus™ up here in Lower Alabama.

    You would be fucking wrong. That place is a lunatic asyalum.

  • prommie

    To preserve the anonymity of the volunteer executioners, they will wear white capes and large, pointy white hoods, the traditional garb of "amatuer executioners" in the South.

  • chascates

    Orlando's newest theme park: The Coliseum! Enjoy live justice and social bonding with people like you. Spacious seats, clean restrooms, snack bar, and a gift shop.

    Early bird discounts and family nights.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's easy to see how Hiaasen gets the plotlines for his stories.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Damn- that was in DeFuniak, the place where my late buddy JJ (his pub here in Tallahasee made the best Chuck-A-Burgers) was a state representative from.

    I guess this whole state is a loony bin, no matter where you're from. The heat bakes our brains.

    • DaRooster

      It ain't the heat… it's the Humanity.

  • ndisang67

    while we are at it…can we also make some money? Just bring back the gladiator..throw them to the beasts then charge entry…..that should be a spectacle..then I can finally make it to Florida for a front row seat…

  • snackypants

    Thank you Kirsten for writing this sentence:

    "But this one is an especially cloudy, yellowed gem with a particularly elegant “Republican-trucker diner-firing squad execution” trifecta of tragicomedy that will be our new standard in redneck crazy."

  • Jukesgrrl

    Maybe they can bus in the prisoner/slaves from Georgia to man the firing squad in between watching houses burn down.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Bobo's Applebee Sociology and The Mustache Cabbie Economics.
    Waffle House Justice.

  • ndisang67

    thanks Wonketters/GOP/rethugs for brightening my dreary 8 hrs…

  • MzNicky

    Oh God. Please, nobody tell our Rep. Curry Todd about this.

  • DaRooster

    "…like the same crazy white people who first showed up in Florida 500 years ago."

    Howz about Death by Small Pox?

    • PubOption

      Death by Pox has already been tried in Tuskegee, Alabama.

  • BarackMyWorld

    On the next episode of "Dexter"…

  • baconzgood

    If I got to choose the way I'd go 3 words: Death by bacon.

    • DaRooster

      But… bacon wouldn't kill ya… 'cuz baconzgood…

      (I know… just tryin' to lighten the mood)

      • baconzgood

        If it tastes that good it HAS to be bad. If I had my way I'd put bacon in my coffee. Mmmmmm baffee gllllaaaaaggggggg….

    • emmelemm
      • baconzgood

        Sex and bacon…..I don't know. I have no problem with that but the lil' lady is a vegetarian. I'll give her the option of sex & bacon or a donkey punch for my next birthday.

  • hilbillyheroine

    Well, such conundrum for me.

  • Occupy Florida! No, seriously, the Federal Government should fucking occupy Florida.

    • UnholyMoses

      There's a reason Fark has a Florida tag — and none for any other state.

  • Not_So_Much

    This is good, sound legislation because its not like Florida has anything better for their state legislature to be working on.

  • baconzgood

    Firing squad? Sure as long as it's that guy from You Can't Do That On Television saying "Ready….Aim…"

  • Nothing good ever came from a Waffle House and that includes breakfast or legislation.

  • hilbillyheroine

    I don't know how many of you guys PERSONALLY have been involved in a death penalty case. I actually hate the death penalty, but sometimes it is appropriate.

    I was involved once. It involved a crazy Christian preacher who killed a boy, just a boy, that I knew. He was 20 years old, sweet as pie, and had a wife and little girl. The crazy Christian preacher cut his head off…to punish the boy's mother for dumping him. The preacher never apologized. I wrote the Oklahoma board of Prisons, and requested the bastard get the death penalty. His last remark was that God was on his side for punishing the mother (sins of the mother/father), and that the rest of us were going to hell. He cost Oklahoma over $1,000,000.00 in appeals, and ate a $50 meal before he died. I hope he choked on it. I don't believe in Hell, but I hope the fucker is getting fucked by Satan every minute of every day. Dougie was one of the sweetest kids I ever knew, and he didn't deserve to have his head cut off.

  • GFPcat

    Give 'em the electric chair for life. Hangin's too good for 'em. Who knew the combination of pancake batter and maple syrup could serve as the answer to this ethical conundrum.

  • Limeylizzie

    A week with an ex-boyfriend of mine, Steve it's you, would suffice , he was such a boor and talked non-stop about himself and when other people were around he would only listen to them in order to jump in when someone stopped talking and just start on about something he was interested in.

    • DaRooster

      You know… I used to be like that. One time when I was walking down the street I

      (not really, I could not hang out with that guy)

      • Limeylizzie

        It was torture, he was very smart and it swayed me for a while and then I saw the horrible truth that was his personality. He wasn't even attractive, it was one of those “What was I thinking?” relationships.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Was the guy an architect? I've known a number of architects, and you just described them all to a "T".

          • Limeylizzie

            No, he was in film distribution. Also, bullshit distribution .

    • Steverino247

      Different Steve, I'm happy to say. (Whew!)

    • I dated (briefly) the female equivalent of Steve. At least I hope she wasn’t Steve.

      • DaRooster

        Ditto- However she only thought she was smart… and she was the only one who thought that. She did read a lot, mostly "self-help" books… she had a mountain of 'em… and like George Carlin said,"That's not self help… that's help!"

  • metamarcisf

    But harvest their organs first.

  • owhatever

    Cheerleaders? Maybe?

  • Ancient_Hacker

    What? Give the INMATE more choice? What's with all this molly-coddling of inmates? When I was a boy it was not fun to be a death-row inmate, looking forward to a choice of electrocution or firing-squad. Next thing you know, they'll be a law requiring them to be offered a blindfold, or a last cigarette. Or nicotine gum, just to be healthier.

  • user-of-owls

    So, you know how I said before that I was steadfastly committed to fighting climate change since it could potentially result in entire lowlying regions of our country winding up under water?

    I'm not anymore.

  • meatlofer

    Couldn't they just get Ol'Sparkey out of the closet.

  • Tommmcattt

    I'm nonplussed about this Florida law as I am firmly against the death penalty. However, the fact that anyone can volunteer makes me personally shooting Rush Limbaugh a distinct possibility when he finally commits the capital crime we all know is in his psychopathic future.

    'Tis a puzzlement…

    • El Pinche

      Hear hear!

    • LetUsBray

      They'd have to hold the execution in whatever they're calling the place where the Dolphins play these days just to accommodate all the volunteers.

      • Tommmcattt

        Maybe we could roll him down a hill and hunt him. The most corpulent game…

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    This is just naked pandering to Florida's 15 or 20 Mormons, who believe in "blood atonement" for sins and also execute people by firing squad, as so beautifully depicted in The Executioner's Song. Is this a complex, subtle plot by Huntsman? (Couldn't be Romney, as he's never done anything subtle in his whole life.)

  • It's all fine and dandy till a white Xtian GOPer gets shot.

  • Use the remains to fertilize the corporate farms and citrus groves, for even more double plus good synergy.

  • hagajim

    Why not turn them loose in the everglades hunted by a pack of shooters who have air support….at least if they could avoid the hunters a gator or snake might take care of them.

  • Steverino247

    While I oppose the death penalty for a lot of reasons, chief of which is the fact that the State fucks up a lot, I don't see why they don't use a hypobaric chamber method that doesn't require puncturing veins or strapping people down. Just slowly drop the air pressure in the room until the condemned loses consciousness and eventually dies. Like that thing they do with pilot training only don't stop. No last meals or final statements. It's an ugly thing to do to someone, so why try to glamorize it with bullshit rituals. Get it over with quickly.

    And how would this new procedure affect Sarah Palin?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Won't they explode?

    • AJWjr.

      I think it might just equalize the vacuum already in her head.

  • UnholyMoses

    " … we imagine the public showing up in Spanish Inquisition-era uniforms … "

    No one expects the Spanish Redneck Inquisition!

    I mean, really — the only uniforms they'd choose would involve a wife beater and jean shorts matched with black shoes. Maybe they could use Cheeto stains as some sort of insignia and the number of domestic battery charges as some sort of ranking system*.

    (* Kansas residents need not apply.)

  • user-of-owls

    Utterly OT…sorta. So I'm searching for some grisly pix of the Great Leap Forward famine to pry students' heads off the desks and I run across a stupid ass site that has those fucking godawful, I dunno what you call 'em, the deals where they underline/highlight something that balloons out to an ad when you hover over it. You know.

    So anyway, here's the passage with the balloon word in bold: “People ate anything. There were deaths in every family. Dead bodies were everywhere. Finally, people started eating humans, including living ones and relatives.”

    And the balloon text? Find Lawyer Listings.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I always wondered what was under those "Obey this one trick to lose belly fat" teasers. Thanks!

      • user-of-owls

        Wow. In one fell swoop you perpetually ruined my appetite for both pork belly and fatty tuna.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Lawyer. It's what's for dinner.

    • DaRooster

      I don't know… but if I'm living… you ain't eating.

  • Nostrildamus

    The bill does not specify whether members of the public may volunteer or may be chosen for the firing squad by the warden …

    nor does it specify whether the condemned will be first flayed and left for the vultures,

    nor does it specify whether the execution squad may wear Nazi regalia,

    nor does it mentions the distribution of advertising revenue generated from the execution,

    nor does it mention any possible dwarf-tossing afterparty.

    • Generation[redacted]

      nor does it mention the possibility of having executions at a monster truck rally.

  • Neoyorquino

    These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.

  • mormos

    Fun Fact: You can still be put to death by firing squad in Utah for religious reasons! Mormons require that you bleed upon execution.

  • Wildly OT, of course, but Wonkette should write something about the upcoming royal wedding in Bhutan. Because the king's name is Jigme something something Wangchuk.

  • National_Turkey

    Possibly too "eye-for-an-eye" a solution, but if the aggrieved party wishes to seek the death penalty, perhaps the aggrieved party should shoulder the responsibility to carry it out. It sure beats the current situation where a state can take the life of one of its citizens!

  • bflrtsplk

    It's only a matter of time before Brad Drake gets caught in some embarrassing public toilet scenario where … well you know the rest.

  • qwerty42

    What is with the current Republican party and capital punishment? Is it part of the "culture of life"? Doesn't sound too much as though it is based on the Sermon on the Mount.

  • DashboardBuddha

    What about Monday Night Rehabilitation?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Sponsored by Brawndo!

    • HarryButtle

      This is good news…for Hank Williams Jr.

    • AJWjr.

      Whatever! The guy's guilty as shit!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Fun fact trivia I heard somewhere — probably on teh teevee:

    The government was looking for an alternative to hanging, which if the drop distance wasn't just right sometimes resulted in decapitation or slow strangulation. They decided against firing squads because the gun manufacturers didn't want the bad publicity. Thomas Edison invented the electric chair as a way to give bad publicity to Westinghouse, whose AC was killing his DC in the marketplace. Westinghouse wouldn't sell him an AC generator so he had to covertly buy a used one through a third party.

    Now you know… and knowing is half the battle!

  • Guppy06

    I am firmly in favor of shooting people who use a financial crisis as a pretext to establish an autocratic government with claims to divine authority.

    Wait, I'm supposed to read all those words as well?

  • DaRooster

    I love the last line-
    "…and indeed a factor in the failure of the Great Leap Forward."

  • WigFlipper

    Yeah, as barbaric and backwards as firing squad sounds, I'd sure as hell rather get a bullet in the head than decaying experimental chemicals from an unregulated Alabaman supply depot, or whatever the fuck they use for lethal injection.

  • Generation[redacted]

    conservatives are good with teh internetz. I'm sure they could crowdsource the execution method. But then the #1 response would be death by legalizing weed.

  • buffalogal

    " If it were up to me we would just throw them off the Sunshine Skyway bridge and be done with it,” Does he ever say exactly who "them" are?

  • fitley

    How about we stick the prisoners head up Drake's ass until they suffocate.

  • unclejeems

    Um, now that you mention Drake's ass, it's been rumored that Edward II was murdered by having a red-hot poker thrust up his anus. Now there's a Republican method of execution. You're killed and fucked at the same time, but no mark is left on the body. Perfect.

  • rocktonsam

    we live in a country where they can't kill a convicted person fast enough, can't save an unborn soon enough, can't cut out the basic needs of a living poor person at all.

    Jesusween indeed.

  • characterfirst2

    The electric chair and firing squads are too messy. My preference is for public hangings. Lets all see the fear in their eyes. We should start in Washington

  • DahBoner

    Crackhead ideas just grow on trees as bountifully as the citrus in Florida, don’t they?

    In the words of the imortal Butthole Surfers:

    "All the sausages that dance like Ray Bolger on the hood of a car in a traffic jam, know just exactly.. what to do."

    Moving to FLUR-i-DUH!!!

  • Negropolis

    This isn't even funny, anymore. That elected officials in as large as something like a state legislature feel comfortable saying this is really scary. Obviously, this won't pass, but the inhumanity of these fuckers is astounding.

  • Schmegeg

    Ouch, a 45c? Cleanup in aisle 3.

  • zhubajie

    Machine gun, like Thailand!

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