NATION OF VIOLENT IDIOTS  10:35 am October 12, 2011

Topeka Spouses Now Allowed To Beat The Crap Out of Each Other

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Transformer armor not included in real life.Oh, lord. The city of Topeka, Kansas went ahead with its harebrained scheme to legalize domestic violence in order to save money they claim they no longer have to spend prosecuting abuse cases. Hey, priorities! Isn’t this maybe the sort of thing where it might be worth it for the city to just levy an extra fifteen-cent sales tax on deep-fried Ding Dongs or boxes of frozen chicken anuses or something to avoid the violent battering death of a few dozen of its citizens?

No, that would be sane. This, because it is Kansas, must always be about Principles: the city repealed the law in order to force the cash-strapped county to deal with the problem, to make an absurdist point about how it is Not Their Problem.

From McClatchy:

The Topeka City Council on Tuesday voted to repeal the city’s law against misdemeanor domestic battery, the latest in a budget battle that has freed about 30 abuse suspects from charges.

One of the offenders was even arrested and released twice since the brouhaha broke out Sept. 8.

It started when Shawnee County District Attorney Chad Taylor announced that a 10 percent budget cut would force him to end his office’s prosecution of misdemeanor cases, almost half of which last year were domestic battery cases.

With that, Taylor stopped prosecuting the cases and left them to the city. But city officials balked at the cost.

Tuesday’s 7-3 vote to eliminate the local domestic violence law was designed to force Taylor to prosecute the cases because they would remain a crime under state law.

Hooray for principled indifference! May violence now reign in Topeka for a thousand years, to save a couple bucks. [McClatchy]

 
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{ 244 comments }

Indiepalin October 12, 2011 at 10:39 am

Domestic violence now takes a back seat to the REAL problem: how to spend all that extra cash! Golf courses are always good.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

I woke and saw this this A.M.:

Indiepalin -116p · 13 hours ago

Fecal boy will not shut up. where's Dan savage?

And loled. Alas, I had but one upfist to give.
~

Indiepalin October 12, 2011 at 10:55 am

Well, he wouldn't shut up arguing with Romney about how repealing Obama care is the most important issue facing America. What a by-product of anal sex.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 10:39 am

This is good news for Ike Turner!

Rosie_Scenario October 12, 2011 at 11:26 am

Zombie Ike Turner.

hollywooddood October 12, 2011 at 11:48 am

And Neanderthals all over America if it catches on.

Limeylizzie October 12, 2011 at 2:20 pm

and Harry Morgan.

Chillwaver October 12, 2011 at 10:40 am

Your move, Alabama.

Dashboard_Jesus October 13, 2011 at 12:32 am

now THAT made me spew perfectly good tequila all over my computer (I'm outta wine)

GunToting[Redacted] October 12, 2011 at 10:41 am

I guess we now all know the answer to "What's the matter with Kansas?"

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 10:42 am

The answer to that question is, "I fell down the stairs. That's all."

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 10:41 am

I reckon Fruit of the Loom should expect to see an upsurge in sales of white tanktop T-shirts, eh?

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 9:48 am

That would also happen if Chris Christie were to win higher office.

justkillmenow October 12, 2011 at 10:41 am

If your spouse wants to move to Kansas…DON'T GO!

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 10:42 am

We have to stick to sound conservative principles. The only proper role of government is national defense and police nothing else.

If you're the victim of domestic abuse, call the Blackwater domestic abuse squad. Reasonable rates! Fast, friendly service!

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 11:22 am

Clearly you didn't read the article very closely. The county government passed the buck down to the city, which passed the buck back up to the state. Spousal abuse is still a crime in state law.

So the next time your spouse is attacking you with a claw hammer, just call the state patrol, and friendly Officer Smokey will come respond to your complaint as soon as he's done beating up his spouse.

Just a simple matter of clarifying jurisdictions, here.

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Clarification makes it less funny.

What's next for wonkette, journalistic standards of integrity? I WANT MY CUNTRY BAKC!!1!!!

freakishlywrong October 12, 2011 at 10:42 am

I'm rushing out and marrying me a conservative STAT!

KeepFnThatChicken October 12, 2011 at 10:46 am

into that kinda thing, are ya?

Cicada October 12, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I don't think it counts as domestic violence if they like it.

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 9:52 am

"I'm rushing out and marrying me a conservative STAT! "

So that you can whale on them?

not that Dewey October 12, 2011 at 10:42 am

Operation Teabaggers' Chickens Have Come Home to Roost is now live.

What do you want to bet they still prosecute vagrancy and possession of dimebags of weed?

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

If my chickens ever come home to roost, I'm trading them for health care.

BornInATrailer October 12, 2011 at 11:10 am

In Kansas, your chicken would be battered.

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 11:25 am

I see what you did there.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:55 am

Didn't I see you at the Occupy Topeka rally carrying a sign that said, "Legalize Loitering"?

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

Owls is commenting on chickens coming home to roost?

Poultry in Motion…

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 11:09 am

What, wise guy, you think I give a flying fuck what you think?

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 11:26 am

Eggzactly.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 11:34 am

CLOACA LIBEL!

(EDIT: Just to be clear, old bean, my comment was motivated solely as an avian pun; on reflection, the metaphor of chickens and roosting and such could be mistaken as an unkind cut re: the Continuing Struggle that we have occasionally discussed in these pages–it was not meant as such, and I apologize heartily for not seeing that it could be read that way.

On the other hand, I suppose most members of the order Strigiformesmay indeed do that while flying, and so perhaps I am the one who misread intent there)

not that Dewey October 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm

"Democracy is based upon so childish a complex of fallacies that they must be protected by a strigid system of taboos, else even half-wits would argue it to pieces”

-H. Owl Mencken

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:07 pm

We seemed to be pretty well ensconced in old Allen's poem these days, don't we?

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 9:54 am

"protected by a strigid system of taboos"

Is a strigid system one that is both stringent and rigid?

AJWjr. October 12, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Some friends of mine have a band called Jimmy Chickenpants and have used Poultry in Motion since their inception. Their lawyers will be in touch, of course.

not that Dewey October 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

You'd better check your night vision, Owl. It clearly said "Hey cops, don't take my weed; can't you see I'm sleeping on this bench, where I've been ever since I stopped beating my wife?"

Gratuitous World October 12, 2011 at 10:42 am

Real America.

amber waves of hair pulled out by the roots. This makes my fucking head spin.

NorthStarSpanx October 12, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Might as well revive the Comstock Laws.

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 9:56 am

"amber waves of hair pulled out by the roots. This makes my fucking head spin."

Hair pulled out by the roots make my head *hurt*.
More than two glasses of wine make my head *spin*.
Am I doing something wrong?

EatsBabyDingos October 12, 2011 at 10:43 am

New State Name Asskans: Putting the Ass before the Kans.

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 12:32 pm

You won't get in trouble for kickin' Ass or Kans…

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 10:43 am

Legalization of pummelling city council members with a sledgehammer is on next week's agenda.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 12, 2011 at 10:43 am

…an extra fifteen-cent sales tax on deep-fried Ding Dongs or boxes of frozen chicken anuses

SOCIALISM!
~

GhostBuggy October 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

SHARIA ALSO!

WhatTheHolyHeck October 12, 2011 at 1:00 pm

It's okay, they're actually Sharia Voodoo Heathen God Cursed Halal chicken anuses.

MissusBarry October 12, 2011 at 10:43 am

I return to my previous statement on this issue: Ladies of Topeka, stock up on cast iron frying pans! In particular, the wives and girlfriends of male city legislators. It's open season.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

And rolling pins!!

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:56 am

And chairs to stand when you see a mouse and have to say, "Eeek!"

MissusBarry October 12, 2011 at 11:14 am

Dual purpose: they can be swung at the head WWF style.

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

Back in my day that was known as 'Geraldo style.' I wonder if the technique has changed much over the years.

Limeylizzie October 12, 2011 at 2:25 pm

True story, my teeny Granny-4"9" and 90lbs- was married to a raging alcoholic a.k.a Grandpa- and when he came home from the pub accross the street drunk as a lord, which is when he used to beat her up, she took to standing in front of the door with a cast-iron frying pan so she could knock him out before the shennanigans began.

starfanglednut October 12, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Awesome Granny. (sad story tho).

Limeylizzie October 12, 2011 at 7:24 pm

She was amazing, she died 10 years ago at 99, so I was lucky to have her for a large part of my life. She worked in a cotton mill from the age of 12 and had a really tough life, but was the sweetest, funniest, most excellent person.

zhubajie October 12, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Turn your family stories into novels, Lizzie!

Limeylizzie October 12, 2011 at 8:40 pm

I am just starting to write a book based on my Mother, she sang in a Big Band at the age of 15 and supported her whole family.

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 10:08 am

I think your granny might be related to my friend's granny, who got smacked by her husband (back in the day), calmly took the cast-iron frying pan full of food off of the hot stove burner, and went up side his head.
Her comment, when things calmed down?

"Ya gotta sleep sometime".

Limeylizzie October 13, 2011 at 10:15 am

Awesome Grannys! My mother and her siblings also used to put string across the stairs so that he would fall down them. Needless to say my Granny divorced him -quite a scandal at the time- and I never met the man.

Gratuitous World October 12, 2011 at 10:44 am

But what if the abuser is smoking a joint when the victim makes the call?

Oh wait, that probably wouldn't be happening.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 12, 2011 at 10:44 am

So, how much is Topeka cutting back on prosecuting people for meaningless b.s. like smoking pot?

O.T.: Panty Petard Perp Cops Plea
~

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 10:44 am

BTW, isn't legal wife beating part of Sharia Law?

LesBontemps October 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

This is Kansas, not Oklahoma.

Guppy06 October 12, 2011 at 11:13 am

Paul says wife-beating is OK if she doesn't properly "submit."

snackypants October 12, 2011 at 11:28 am

Was that Ron or Rand?

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

Saint.

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

He wasn't real big on the ladies, y'know.

Guppy06 October 12, 2011 at 11:35 am

No no, Paultards would try to make a buck off the situation by selling each of them guns. It's the Free Market Way.

OccupyFnChicken October 12, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Beautiful Beheaded Bitches, Vol XVII

KeepFnThatChicken October 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

…and if anyone wants to argue about this law, they better shut the fuck up.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

Everything's OK in Topeka, really. No, it's fine. This? No, I just…bumped into the doorknob while cleaning up the budget, that's all. Really, it's fine.

not that Dewey October 12, 2011 at 10:54 am

She fell from the sky, she fell very far
And Kansas she says is the name of the star.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

"Honey, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more. Oh, we are?"
*punch*
"Don't you fucking mouth off to me!"

LesBontemps October 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

Topeka, where your abuse is not our problem.

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

This could work – if you also legalize battered women killing their abusive husbands/boyfriends. Get to that, Kansas.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 10:49 am

Free Market Solutions!

MissusBarry October 12, 2011 at 10:49 am

Second Amendment remedies!

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

Goodbye, Earl!

FakaktaSouth October 12, 2011 at 10:46 am

Hey, wait a minute, this means now when the Occupy Topeka scary monsters come and drag you out of your house – free face-punches! Hooray!!!
(thanks Glenn Beck!)

MARCdMan October 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

This is all in line with the Fundie ideal of women as illiterate, barefoot, pregnant chattels stuck in the kitchen. The American Taliban is having it's finest hour.

HedonismBot October 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

My solution: To make up at least part of the budget shortfall, Topeka can secure the sponsorship of Ruger, or Winchester, or some gun company, or the NRA. Then, the Topeka police can adopt a one-time-only policy of response to domestic violence calls. Give the poor, battered woman a gun to use against her dirtbag husband/boyfriend/baby daddy, and then leave 'em to work it out on their own.

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 10:13 am

Of course, the ladies would also have to buy gun permits and hunting licenses, cha-ching!

johnnyzhivago October 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

Hank Williams Jr is already out with the song – "All My Violent Friends are Comin' Over – Are U Ready for Some Wife-Beat-in"

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 10:55 am

It's like being domestically abused by Hitler.

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 11:38 am

Netanyahu works here, too, if you happen to be Palestinian.

YasserArraFeck October 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

The Good Ol' Boys of Topeka ain't never gonna have to get their own beer out of the fridge again…

JoshuaNorton October 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

Hey, lighten up. Domestic violence is a laff riot. Remember the good old days of "The Honeymooners" where Ralph threatened to beat his wife at least 3 times a show?

"To the moon, Alice".

Good times.

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 10:59 am

Or the funny scenes of Ricky spanking Lucy. Hilarious!

Sue4466 October 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

That's one reason I always hated "I Love Lucy." I never thought Ricky spanking or threatening to spank Lucy was something to laugh at.

ProudLibunatic October 12, 2011 at 11:09 am

I always thought it was stupid, too.
Even as a child, I didn't see why her infantile, (loud) wailing and threats from Ricky were funny.

nonbeliever7 October 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

C'mon. All she had to do was yell "Green Balloons" to make him stop.

Sue4466 October 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Or who the fuck Ricky was to tell her she couldn't have a career in show business or wherever she wanted. Even as a kid I knew that was bullshit.

Considering the doors Lucille Ball helped knock down for women in Hollywood, it is appalling that she portrayed this type of character.

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 10:14 am

I'll go out on a limb here, and say that I never thought she OR the show were funny.

Rosie_Scenario October 12, 2011 at 11:35 am

And as much as I laughed at "Abbot and Costello," Bud slapping Lou is very hard to take.

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 12:56 pm

"Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!"

"Why, I oughta …"

Allmighty_Manos October 12, 2011 at 10:48 am

Better not burn that pot roast now ladies

x111e7thst October 12, 2011 at 10:49 am

Forza Gnocchi. (Silvio approves)

freakishlywrong October 12, 2011 at 10:50 am

Look at the bright side. They can let all the convicted abusers out of jail now and voila! No need for union thug firemen!

iburl October 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

At least no taxes were raised. Unless you count the "shut your mouth, bitch" tax. That one went up about 1000%.

HedonismBot October 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

But seriously, though – if they wanted to repeal one misdemeanor law, they should have chosen marijuana prohibition over domestic violence. One leads to injuries and death and shattered families, and the other is just a plant.

Guppy06 October 12, 2011 at 11:16 am

Gonzales v. Raich doesn't say states must criminalize battery, though.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

Maybe Andy Capp will consider emigrating now.

Chichikovovich October 12, 2011 at 11:11 am

Not enough darts and snooker at Topeka pubs. And soccer referees in the U.S. are too free with the red cards.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

Brouhaha?

So that's what we're calling debates over how to most cost-effectively sanction systematic physical violence against a specific class of American citizens?

Isn't that just ducky.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 10:58 am

Look, the city really wanted to prosecute the abusers, but the county wouldn't pay for it, so it's a matter of principle. The city had to be firm, to show the county who's boss. In fact, the city has just about had it with the county not having dinner on the table after the city works so hard all day, and the county just sits around all day watching fuckin' Oprah and spending all the city's money. And on what? Some goddamn COURTHOUSES, for fuck's sake? Yeah, that's right, the county MADE the city do it! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE THE CITY DO, GODDAMMIT, COUNTY!!!!

The county better fuckin' hope the city doesn't have to get angry again. No, come back here, county, the city still loves you baby…

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 10:52 am

In other news, the Kansas legislature took up a bill to change the state song to "My Name is Luka."

snackypants October 12, 2011 at 10:56 am

I lol'ed at this one. My breakfast yogurt almost squirted out of my nose.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 10:53 am

You know what other country considered women as chattel, existing only to provide pleasure to the males of the society and serve as baby-making machines?

Not_So_Much October 12, 2011 at 10:55 am

Mordor?

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 11:00 am

The Republic of Gilead, which the fundies see as a utopia.

Sue4466 October 12, 2011 at 11:03 am

All of the Katie.

Seriously. ALL of them.

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Not Amazonia, bordering Scythia in Sarmatia. Other than that, pretty much all them.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 2:45 pm

"Lesbos, huh? Looks like a terrific little island. So, what do you girls do for kicks?"

–B. Kliban

Cicada October 12, 2011 at 4:42 pm

America?

Oh, you said other countries.

zhubajie October 12, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Roman Empire

prommie October 12, 2011 at 10:53 am

Not to inject some, well, non-knee-jerk analysis, but the fact is the municipal domestic battery offense was a sham to begin with and this whole thing is all about revenue from fines. As the story makes clear, there remains a State law which criminalizes misdemeanor domestic battery. Why was there ever a municipal ordinance criminalizing the same thing? So that defendants would be presented an opportunity to plead to an ordinance violation, rather than a State criminal offense, which is a HUGE, FUCKING HUGE thing, because a municipal ordinance violation is not a "criminal offense," so it won't affect your record and thus your employment and such as much, and plus too, the fine money would go to the municipality, and not the State.

To reiterate, the City was being a dick when it adopted the municipal domestic battery offense, not when it repealed it. The only reason it adopted the offense was to give the batterers an easy plead-out, and to siphon off the fines. No wonder the county prosecutor refused to prosecute it.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:59 am

Too sensible, did not read.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

I take back everything bad I said about this, then.

missemish October 12, 2011 at 11:03 am

That's not how I read it. DA Stopped prosecuting and left it to the city to do themselves:

"It started when Shawnee County District Attorney Chad Taylor announced that a 10 percent budget cut would force him to end his office’s prosecution of misdemeanor cases, almost half of which last year were domestic battery cases.

With that, Taylor stopped prosecuting the cases and left them to the city. But city officials balked at the cost."

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 11:03 am

Prommie, will you be my lawyer?

prommie October 12, 2011 at 12:02 pm

You don't want that. Trust me, you do not want that. I've been before every tribunal in this State, sometimes as a lawyer.

NorbertsRevenge October 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

oh.

Geminisunmars October 12, 2011 at 11:06 am

How are we supposed to get all rabble-aroused when you present facts and logic to us?

prommie October 12, 2011 at 11:10 am

Then again, I could be wrong. But I have always been grateful for the chance to plead a client down to an analogous municipal ordinance violation, and the municipality is always grateful for the fine money. This is a pissing match over who keeps the fines, and who pays for the prosecutions, seems to me. And the creation of the ordinance in the first place seems to have created a lesser penalty, so it probably only served to weaken the State offense.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 12, 2011 at 11:13 am

So if I understand what you’re saying we could wife-beat our way out of this recession.
Pure evil genius.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 11:14 am

Boo on you for actually making us think about this vulgar, corrupt scene in terms of genuine consequences for too many vulnerable people…all across the spectrum. You suck.

Thanks.

missemish October 12, 2011 at 11:19 am

It's definitely an ordinance that perhaps is abused by pleading down (that is NOT a pun!) , but doesn't it also serve as a way for cases that are not "big" enough for the state to be prosecuted?

missemish October 12, 2011 at 11:20 am

Also, if it was such a cash cow, why oh why did they repeal it?

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Somebody on the town council had a great idea to raise revenues…

(If you've ever watched your typical town council tackle the revenue question, you'd understand how it usually works out.)

Ramon X October 12, 2011 at 12:17 pm

But prommie, wouldn't a muni ordinance be easier to charge and therefore catch some legit cases that the DA didn't want to mess with? If the DA kicks it down to the ordinance, it's still a case, right? I don't follow how the State statute is weakened by the city. And now the DA is saying he's not going after any misdemeanor domestic violence cases in Topeka, and Topeka's not going after them – so who is?

missemish October 12, 2011 at 12:34 pm

It's big game of bureaucratic chicken. Sad. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/12/us/topeka-moves

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 11:10 am

in this single instance, facts have a conservative bias.

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 11:14 am

You may have a point, but, on the other hand, LEGALIZED WIFE BEATING.

Chichikovovich October 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

Ah. I see. Well I'm glad I read this before I posted the long rant I had prepared.

From that point of view, I wish we could just do away with domestic violence laws altogether, and just ship abusers straight to Gitmo for terrorism. Surely there is some law addressing "terrorism" under which systematic domestic abuse counts.

LesBontemps October 12, 2011 at 11:26 am

The standard criminal offense is usually styled "making terroristic threats." So, Gitmo that fucker!

missemish October 12, 2011 at 11:54 am

30 people were released from prison based on this being overturned. At least 30 people are fucking scared out of their minds as a result.

prommie October 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I'm not saying we're not going to get our hair mussed. But we stand a chance of sustaining only minimal and acceptable losses.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Mein fuhrer..I can beat my vife!

Negropolis October 13, 2011 at 12:32 am

I'm not saying we're not going to get our hair mussed.

Someone's going to get more than their hair mussed, tonight, that much I know.

Apart from that, how was the show, Mrs. Lincoln?

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 10:19 pm

If only Garry Trudeau had you on his fact-checking staff.

Not_So_Much October 12, 2011 at 10:54 am

Is Wayne Brady going to have to cut a bitch?

SayItWithWookies October 12, 2011 at 10:57 am

It takes a village…to ignore, on principle, a man beating the crap out of his wife.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

Not to nitpick, but I think you meant, "It takes a bunch of male troglodytes in a village…"

Negropolis October 13, 2011 at 12:35 am

If only that was true. Many conservative women are comfortable with a certain level of spousal abuse…until it happens to them. Even then, some of them still don't see it as much or a problem.

snackypants October 12, 2011 at 10:57 am

I don't see what the problem is. I mean, if you're being beaten by your spouse, you have nobody to blame but yourself, right?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 11:11 am

Get a job! Get rich! 9-9-9!

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 11:11 am

Today is 'be very, very nice to your asshole spouse day' in Topeka.

BaldarTFlagass October 12, 2011 at 10:59 am

Guess pretty soon they'll be giving a thumbs up to child abuse, too.

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 11:03 am

Considering that some of the Southern states actually allow teachers to abuse children as punishment, we're pretty much already there.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 11:07 am

Why not? It's not like the little fuckers are job creators or something.

freakishlywrong October 12, 2011 at 11:09 am

If you can't beat em' put 'em to work for slave wages.

MissusBarry October 12, 2011 at 11:21 am

Oh, yeah, child abuse is fine. Just not fetus abuse.

weejee October 12, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Beloved Sister Caligula, always ready for the ruler rapping, is why I write with my right hand. I was slow to learn that writing with my right hand made the pain in my left hand go away.

UnholyMoses October 12, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Well, considering that conservatives have already discussed — multiple times, and even on camera! — bringing back child labor …

weejee October 12, 2011 at 11:00 am

Domestic violence is not usually a problem of Miss Demeanor, but that of Mr. Demeanor.

Today we are all Miss Demeanor.

SayItWithWookies October 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

I miss demeanor now more than ever.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I'll never forget the student who wrote something about how presidents can only be removed from office for "high crimes and Mr. Meaners"

I swear I am NOT making that up (though memory serves me imperfectly–they may have spelled it our as "Mister Meaners"–i do recall that it was capitalized, as if it were a name….)

weejee October 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

We are in such deep, deep doo doo.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

No kidding. That was back in the late 80's so that person has no doubt been wreaking havoc in Corporate America for years.

I'm scoring SAT essays again this week. So far, I've seen the invention of the lightbulb attributed to Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and Albert Einstein….

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 1:14 pm

That's just because Marconi wasn't one of the multiple choices.

OccupyFnChicken October 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

I know I've already contributed to the snark in this article today, but there's a chilling awkwardness about it after yesterday's |||murder in western Tennessee. The ex boyfriend shot his estranged girlfriend and her new companion, killing her.

Good luck, Topeka.

mereoblivion October 12, 2011 at 11:10 am

"It's a shame that it came down to this. It really is."

tcaalaw October 12, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Ah, but that would be a felony, so they'll definitely enforce the law in that case!

Schmegeg October 12, 2011 at 11:04 am

This move saves money. To make money, they can market vacation packages to pissed off spouses.

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 11:05 am

I knew there was a reason I moved away from there…

seppdecker October 12, 2011 at 11:06 am

I was going to say all the assholes involved must be men, but I could see a Sharron Angle or Jan Brewer lining up behind this. The question is, are they also willing to save money not prosecuting castrations?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 12, 2011 at 11:08 am

All these other cities looking for a way to foster economic development: pay heed to Topeka! Rich brutes can all move there so they can beat up their girlfriends with impunity. John Yoo is already shopping for a condo.

BarryOPotter October 12, 2011 at 11:08 am

Honey, the last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list. Topeka, here we come!

BornInATrailer October 12, 2011 at 11:09 am

"I'll beat you and your little dog, too, also!"

Come here a minute October 12, 2011 at 11:10 am

Topeka'ed Enough Already?

Zombie_Reagan October 12, 2011 at 11:11 am

The market's invisible (back)hand is strong.

ProudLibunatic October 12, 2011 at 11:12 am

Withhold, ladies!
Lysistrata anyone?

Guppy06 October 12, 2011 at 11:28 am

From what, S&M games?

Lascauxcaveman October 12, 2011 at 1:28 pm

"Green balloons!!"

Cicada October 12, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Tooth scraping blowjobs, at the very least.

Noname54313 October 12, 2011 at 11:12 am

Hey, those people who get killed because the don't know how to act right are just women anyway. And they would probably get abortions and vote and take our mens jobs away from us, so win win for us mens.

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 10:25 pm

"And they would probably get abortions and vote and take our mens jobs away from us"

And menstruate all over everything.

EatsBabyDingos October 12, 2011 at 11:13 am

Somewhere, Lorena Bobbitt is smiling and sharpening the Bowie knife.

Wilcoxyz October 12, 2011 at 11:13 am

I guess evolution doesn't work in Kansas after all. Grab you clubs, gents, attractive ladies are ready to go home to your cave.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 11:14 am

On a positive note, the Topeka move has garnered support from Tempura, an organization of lightly-battered women.

BornInATrailer October 12, 2011 at 11:20 am

I really shouldn't have laughed as hard as I did at this.

ingloriousbytch October 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

Same here. I hate myself.

prommie October 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Touche'

bagofmice October 12, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Tautological much?

DaSandman October 12, 2011 at 11:16 am

Honey you know this is for your own good…

prommie October 12, 2011 at 11:19 am

IMPORTANT TIP: for those who live in Topeka, or plan to take a wife-beatin' vacation there, remember, don't beat your wife to the point she miscarries! Because while wife-beatin' may be legal, abortion is not, in Kansas. You'll be guilty of murdering the fetus, which Kansas law considers more of a person than the mother.

Guppy06 October 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

Ironically, that exact situation is described as a misdemeanor punishable by a fine in Exodus 21:22

Chichikovovich October 12, 2011 at 11:38 am

But right there you got yerself some laws that need adjustin'. Ya gotta be able to correct your kids with a beatin'. Bible says so:

He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24)

"Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)

Says right there in God's word that if you beat your kid for not doin' what you tell him, he won't die. I don't see nothin' about "except in the womb". So if the baby dies it must be the mother's fault. Didn't exercise her abdominal muscles enough or sumtin'.

Generation[redacted] October 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm

That fetus was mouthin' off at me!

chicken_thief October 12, 2011 at 11:19 am

The obvious next step is to have the local convicts come beat your bitch for you. That'll help the economy, too, since the hubbies won't have to take off from their hourly jobs to get a little workout on the punching bag. Get home after a long day and the little honey will already have had her attitude adjusted! "Why yes, my little cupcake, I would LOVE another beer."

BornInATrailer October 12, 2011 at 11:20 am

No rule of thumb reference yet? People..

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Hey, we're an educated crowd who know that's a myth anyway…

weejee October 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Yes. We recognize the beaters use Lester Maddox autographed axe handles. They recognize that using thumb-sized would hardly be an attention getter.

BornInATrailer October 12, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Speak for yourself! Now I don't know whether to apologize to the wife or find a thicker stick…

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 11:21 am

So I suppose re-legalizing marital rape will be the next step in the return to the 1800s.

prommie October 12, 2011 at 11:23 am

Women can own property? Whats the world coming to?

weejee October 12, 2011 at 11:43 am

And Ron Paul wants to bring back Bryan's beloved (not) "Cross of Gold."

SorosBot October 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

Who cares that history proves that the gold standard damaged the economy, it's gooooold and somehow magically better.

Barrelhse October 12, 2011 at 11:24 am

In Topeka, What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

..Nothin'- ya just told the bitch twice.

Thurman Munster IV October 12, 2011 at 11:25 am

I'm sure the market will step in and find an efficient solution

Chichikovovich October 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

Luigi "The Falcon" Falconi's Domestic Protection Services? I smell "job creation"!

widestanceshakedown October 12, 2011 at 11:28 am

Surely they did not mean to include women hitting BACK in all this. That would violate the bible's Contract on America, Part Who Wants to Get Smacked.

MrFizzy October 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

It's anarchy baby!

prommie October 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

Was the repeal signed into law by Mayor Paris Trout?

Barrelhse October 12, 2011 at 11:35 am

Trouser's brother?

Boehneriffic October 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

So now all I need to do is marry Ann Coulter and move to Topeka??

weejee October 12, 2011 at 11:44 am

That would appear to be the skinny.

Troglodeity October 13, 2011 at 12:51 am

Sorry, but gay marriage is still illegal there.

tessiee October 13, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Either of those things would be too much of a sacrifice to ask of you.

ChrisM2011 October 12, 2011 at 11:41 am

In other news, the ghost of Ike Turner has put in his bid for mayor of Topeka.

YasserArraFeck October 12, 2011 at 11:44 am

I see a wicked marketing opportunity for firearms retailers in the Topeka area…..

ingloriousbytch October 12, 2011 at 11:45 am

Ladies, it's time to douse that bed with lighter fluid and haul ass.

WhatTheHeck October 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

You know, Kansas males eventually have to sleep and …

DaRooster October 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

Can't we have prisoners police these abuse cases?

El Pinche October 12, 2011 at 11:53 am

New license plate slogan: "Kansas – The Bitch Choking State"

Eve8Apples October 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

You get your ass in the kitchen and make me something to eat or I'm buying a baseball bat and moving your ass to Topeka.

Eve8Apples October 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I need a legal opinion. Is food poisoning legal? I don't have enough upper body strength to give my husband the beating he has earned, but I know at least a hundred recipes to make arsenic and cyanide appetizing.

YasserArraFeck October 12, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Maybe not legal, exactly, but par for the course in a number of 'Murkuh's fine anusburger establishments.

Terry October 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Topeka will stick with this lovely cost saving measure until a woman or child is beaten to death and they're shamed into backtracking. Assuming they have shame, of course.

meatlofer October 12, 2011 at 12:07 pm

If they reeeeeally wanted to save $, follow Georgia's move Have the incarcerated respond to the DV calls.

GregComlish October 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

If beating the shit out of your wife is illegal, then the spouses of outlaws will be the only ones abused.

Mahousu October 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Violence is one of our few areas of domestic growth. It's far and away our top export, too. About time the law got out of the way and let it flourish.

YasserArraFeck October 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Let the fuckin' Chi-Coms devalue their yuans all they like – we'll devalue our bitches and fuckin' swing our way out of this depression.

Barrelhse October 12, 2011 at 5:32 pm

The Invisible Hand.

gogogodzilla October 12, 2011 at 1:14 pm

All yer damn yapping isn't getting me another beer!

joobajooba October 12, 2011 at 1:18 pm

So that bandaged guy in the ad next to this story, he's from Topeka?

proudgrampa October 12, 2011 at 1:23 pm

All I see is some ad for "Batheo" and a girl with nice casabas.

Barrelhse October 12, 2011 at 5:36 pm

As for Kortney, that may be consensual, but I'm going to have to check with her tonsils about that.

fletc3her October 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Umm, isn't domestic battery still, you know, battery?

Antispandex October 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Have you ever been to Topeka? I have. This is going to cause a tidal wave of violence, because, let's face, there isn't shit else to do in Topeka…because it's TOPEKA!
P.S. You have to remember that this is the home of the toothless trailer dweller cliche because, many years ago, they decided that fluoride was a commie plot. Then there was that whole, Brown vs the Topeka Board of Education thing. Lots of money savers like that.

owhatever October 12, 2011 at 1:43 pm

In further cost-cutting moves, the Mullah Omar was hired as a consultant by the Topeka City Council to advise on proper procedures for stoning women to death. The council found that his focus was too narrow, and that a lot more women could qualify for that punishment with a tweaking of the law.

Callyson October 12, 2011 at 1:49 pm

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore…thank God!"

Nostrildamus October 12, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I'd've figured, it being Kansas, they'd save way more money by repealing their "animal husbandry" laws. It's really all about volume.

ndisang67 October 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm

What happens in Topeka, stays in Topeka…

ndisang67 October 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I will show my wife this article and threaten to call in the movers for kansas….this should have her leave me watch my Redskins without bitching about too much football in this house…

ttommyunger October 12, 2011 at 3:35 pm

I am fucking serious: is there Mercury in the water table there, or something even more toxic? This shit is going way over the line.

zhubajie October 12, 2011 at 8:29 pm

People who are born even slightly intelligent move away ASAP. How do you think I ended up where I am?

lulzmonger October 12, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Timid stuff … c'mon, Kansas, THINK BIG.

No laws = no crimes = epic savings, is what I'm saying here.

PS: it just so happens that my new book – "Warlording For Dummies" – is now available on Amazon.com. First 100 customers get a free fluffy white cat & monocle! ORDER NOW!

glamourdammerung October 12, 2011 at 5:31 pm

This is perfectly in line with the conservative principles of expecting the government to be able to function for free. Sometimes the tree of conservative purity must be watered with some wife-beating.

ChessieNefercat October 12, 2011 at 7:39 pm

So. Any Wonketeers live in the Topeka area? Here's a plan. Get to know one of the council critters that passed this law (de-passed it?). Get to know them on a personal basis, hmm? Then beat the crap out of them. Right?

Negropolis October 13, 2011 at 12:18 am

And, when someone ends up dead, what are they going to think? I shouldn't even ask; this is Kansas.

Bleeding Kansas, indeed. They'll just switch the savings over to the Department of Persecution.

Troglodeity October 13, 2011 at 12:57 am

Meanwhile, at http://www.thinkbigtopeka.com, the official promotional website for Topeka, the big news is Topeka's (unsuccessful) "efforts to win the Google fiber experiment."

C'mon, Topeka: Think BIG! Decriminalizing spousal abuse is small potatoes.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Oh christ no, that interpretation never even occurred to me, you silly bird.

Doktor Zoom October 12, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Well, fuck a duck, I feel silly then. Still, better to preemptively apologize than alienate a raptor.

user-of-owls October 12, 2011 at 10:06 pm

You read that from a fortune cookie, didn't you.

not that Dewey October 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Speaking of wine drunkenness over the rooftops, I had dinner with the Svengali again this evening. It was much less of a problem, this time. Partly because more time had passed, partly because we were on my turf instead of his. But mostly because I just didn't want to.

Doktor Zoom October 13, 2011 at 12:46 am

oddly enough, only the bit about duck-sexing. I need to find a classier Chinese joint.

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