of course it's illegal

Science Finds Simple Source of ‘Lasting Happiness,’ So It’s Completely Illegal To Have It

Do you want “lasting happiness”? It is available to everyone! There are two doorways to this “measurable personality change” that stays with people pretty much forever. The first is arduous and requires a good deal of natural empathy and the slow, patient development of the human quality of “openness.” The second is through the harmless ingestion of a common fungus that literally grows atop cow shit pretty much anywhere, overnight. See if you can guess which method the U.S. Government describes as a “Schedule 1 drug, with a high potential for abuse, has no medically accepted use and isn’t considered safe to use under medical supervision.”

RedOrbit summarizes an ABC News report on this new research by scientists at Johns Hopkins:

Researchers from Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine studying psilocybin, the mind-altering chemical in “magic mushrooms,” found that the chemical may actually alter people’s personalities for a long period of time, ABC News is reporting.

The study involved one high dose of psilocybin administered to 51 adult study participants and found that 30 of them underwent measurable personality changes lasting more than a year. The aspect of personality that changed is known as openness. Openness, the authors wrote, “encompasses aesthetic appreciation and sensitivity, imagination and fantasy, and broad-minded tolerance of others’ viewpoints and values.”

Measured on a widely used and scientifically validated personality inventory, changes in openness were larger in magnitude than changes typically observed in healthy adults over decades of life experiences, the scientists say.

It’s almost like they don’t want you to ever have the contentment of lasting happiness! [Journal of Psychopharmacology/Red Orbit]

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  • nounverb911
  • MittsHairHelmet

    Eh, I know plenty of people who tripped and don't have "lasting happiness." There's just so many depressing things out there. The old sages know the real answer to lasting happiness…

    Ignorance is Bliss.

    • undeadgoat

      They probably did it wrong. Doing it right requires that you have an expectation that it will help you.

    • paris biltong

      Ignorance + drugs = bliss

    • Redhead

      Yeah, I've known a bunch of people that freaked out, totally (from panic attack to leaving the apartment and running down the street). So who knows.

    • thenewkoreafiles

      Aaaah.. Wonkette, where a scientific study can immediately be rebutted by hippies with bad experiences….

  • SexySmurf

    I already discovered this when I was in high school.

    Nobel Prize, please.

  • DaRooster

    Hook me up… so I don't kill someone.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    "…esthetic appreciation and sensitivity, imagination and fantasy, and broad-minded tolerance of others’ viewpoints and values"

    Fuck that shit.

    • Barrelhse

      Really. This IS America, after all.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    I knew it was shrooms, I just knew it!

    Just don't take them when you're 18 and in college and it's your birthday. Don't ask me how I learned this.
    ~

    • freakishlywrong

      Mixed in to a spinach salad, (I didn't know), and then had em kick in at a Madness show. Yep. Fuck, I'm still happy.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Or during something called the All-Species Ball, when you aren't really expecting people to be dressed as animals wandering down the street, flashing lights and barricades everywhere, and a large police presence. Really, unless you're planning on wandering the woods in large circles for the entire evening, realizing that you are doing the same thing over and over again and that the entire universe is circular, just patterns of the same winding 'round and 'round, maybe it's best not to take them at all.

      • tessiee

        "Or during something called the All-Species Ball, when you aren't really expecting people to be dressed as animals wandering down the street, flashing lights and barricades everywhere, and a large police presence."

        Um, I hate to break it to you this much later, but there is no such thing as the All-Species Ball. You were just walking down your street on a Tuesday afternoon.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    My buddy learned he could travel through time on the mushrooms by walking up the dorm steps to go to the future and down the steps to go to the past. Makes as much sense as the current crop of Republican presidential wannabes, who obviously took the anti-mushrooms (just a bite of the cowpie)

    • Moonbat

      Oh, man, I learned the same thing my senior year of college. I've refrained from using that power since then, but it's nice to know it's there as, like, an option, you know?

    • tessiee

      "My buddy learned he could travel through time on the mushrooms by walking up the dorm steps to go to the future and down the steps to go to the past. Makes as much sense as the current crop of Republican presidential wannabes"

      Although they *are* returning us to the past — specifically, the robber baron era — whether or not we want to go.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Commie hippie atheists should start attending Southern Baptist church's potluck dinners.

    "What's that, Moonflower Sunlilly?", asked Hank Jr.
    "Just Grandma's secret recipe for possum covered in mushroom gravy."

    • Isyaignert

      I'll bring brownies for dessert.

  • baconzgood

    I'm shroomin' right now!

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Haha, I'm walking with Mescalito!

      • tessiee

        Don Longjuan? Is that you?

  • SorosBot

    But the Beatles told me happiness is a warm gun!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes it is.

  • DaRooster

    We used to play poker at a friends but we used to have to count the cards to make sure they were all there. Do not take shrooms and count the cards… face up… it's scary.

  • Goonemeritus

    If it means being open to letting all the little kids that infest my neighborhood trample my lawn forget it.

    • tessiee

      No, that would be Jesus Ween.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Stand your ground, Pa!

  • finallyhappy

    On the other hand, after the recent rains in the DC area- we had at least 6 people almost die eating mushrooms they picked-because they thought they were edible. 2 people may need liver transplants.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Yes, seriously. Don't eat wild shrooms – just not worth the risk.

      It is very easy to grow them. Or if you want edible (non-magical) ones, get them from a farm or grocer.

      • EatFrankRich

        Growing them is also a good way to lose your house, er, trailer home. Escaping your trailer before the cops show up and leaving no incriminating evidence beyond the 27 cases of magic mushrooms= the secret to lasting happiness. Don't ask how I know. But I sure am happy now.

        • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

          27 cases is a bit … much. But yes, it is illegal to grow them at home so be careful.

    • prommie

      Puffballs are the easiest of all to identify, and completely fool-proof. If you are not an expert, stick with the puffballs.

      • sati_demise

        or black ink caps before they get too old

    • ThundercatHo

      If we're feeding them to the asshole republican fundies I don't see a problem.

    • ExecutorElassus

      John Cage – who was an expert mycologist in addition to being one of the defining figures of avant-garde music – once said, "there is no such thing as a deadly mushroom."

      • Geminisunmars

        Now, why was it, again, that he stopped saying that?

  • Woodshedding

    That's it! That's the answer! Next month when the Cabal's all been arrested, let's force-feed them shrooms. They'll have no other desire than to come clean, make amends, forgive all their fake loans [not that they'll have a choice, as they'll be in jail], stop killing everyone, stop the lies and brainwashing and propaganda, protect the environment, …

    • Isyaignert

      Put it in the water supply everywhere.

    • tessiee

      Not to age myself any more than I have to, but there was a Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers underground comic sometime in the late 70s that had that exact story. Freewheelin' Franklin put magic mushrooms in moonshine and transformed the minds of all the rednecks in the hick community where they were living in their hippie log cabin.

      • Geminisunmars

        God, I miss FFFB.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Drugs! What can't they do?

    • Barrelhse

      Other than fuck me silly-

  • Come here a minute

    Who needs psilocybin? We've already got the magic drug alcohol — the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.

  • SorosBot

    Just one high dose has effects lasting nearly a year? That's no good; prescription pills for mental illness should require regular dosages to maximize pharmaceutical company profits.

  • chascates

    I speak from experience: it's fun, enlightening, and inexpensive. Not for the young or troubled, use with caution, preferably with an experienced psychonaut.

    • prommie

      Please?

  • HistoriCat

    If we could find a way to slip this into the lunches at the Values Voters Summit, this country might just survive.

    • Geminisunmars

      Love to see the video of that.

    • Jukesgrrl

      How about the next G8 summit, too.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.

    –Bill Hicks

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Yep.

      • prommie

        Ken likes Hicks? OK, but he's sorta a middlebrow, and with that libertarian mean streak.

        • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

          I like that quote. But I am not a stand-up comedy fan.

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            It's okay. Hicks was a more of a preacher, except that he believed in evolution and drugs… and just happened to do comedy.

        • One_Man_Band

          He had the libertard mean streak, but he also had some humanity. Unlike, say, Doug Stanhope.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Fucking hippies.

    • bagofmice

      Welcome to the Internet.

      /pithy

      One day we'll figure out that we're all cussing out the same stupid things and that flag on flag violence is idiotic. Until then, occupata est!

  • flamingpdog

    And all these years I though Happiness was a warm pussy, er, puppy.

    • mavenmaven

      wow, I bet kids today don't recognize that image at all.

  • baconzgood

    This is bad news for lysergic acid diethylamide.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Not really! Similar clinical effects are seen with MDMA and clean LSD. The latter was used in psychotherapy until the Kesey/Leary freakouts, and MDMA has shown tremendous promise in treating brain-fucked veterans from the horrors of Iraq and Afghanistan, in the limited studies the fucking government has permitted.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        But, what about all the claims of horrible, horrible experimentation with sex? And happiness, what is that but an excuse not to be a more productive, mindless drone? Anti-American, Anti-Capitalism happiness pushers!

      • SexySmurf

        Unfortunately, one of the serious side-effects of MDMA includes making users like Techno music.

        • bagofmice

          Well, if video games were bad for us we'd be be running down narrow hallways listening to repetitive electronic music.

      • bagofmice

        PTSD MDMA sessions are quite helpful. Having a time and mental space where it's ok can be helpful.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Lysergic acid diethylamide don't give a shit.

  • Callyson

    It was the mushrooms? Dammit, I took all the wrong drugs in college. Now I'm out of school and haven't a clue as to how to locate a reliable dealer…

    • SorosBot

      Same here. A few months back I tried asking around to find if anyone knew where I could get some pot (for actual medicinal purposes, to see if it could treat my anxiety), but nope, everyone's too old and has no idea anymore.

      • rahelio

        This makes me sad. Surely, there is an Occupy Wall Street nearby and you can ask them. It's nothing but bongo playing stoners, right?

        But seriously, stop the first white person you see sporting dread locks. This plan is fool proof!

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        Living here in Humboldt County, I just have to sit back and laugh and laugh and laugh at the idea of not being able to find pot. Then grab another slice of pizza and laugh some more.

    • prommie

      This is my problem also, precisely.

      • paris biltong

        NA meetings in your area? Can be a good start.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        There was news awhile back about Congress wanting to shut down something called "Silk Road" – a website where you can buy almost anything illegal – and you pay with something called BitCoins. But I could never figure out how to get a login.

        I've had a little success with CraigsList, actually.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Learn to play disc golf. Find a course near you at pdga.com, buy a few golf discs (they run from $9.99 to $17.99 and you'll need a driver, a midrange disc and a putter). Sign up for a weekly tournament or any event where there are likely to be lots of neophytes around, and make friends. That last part is on you.

      Or you can go to reggae, some rock or other shows near you where young stoners might hang out. Make friends first, don't appear creepy, and it helps to be interested in the actual subject at hand rather than just scoring drugs.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, we just need to convince Glenn Beck and the Tea Party that the Founders were all into magic mushrooms, and everything would be much better.

    Not a chance with Limbaugh, though, as he already has his drugs of choice.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Viagra and children?

  • johnnymeatworth

    “Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather!”
    ― Bill Hicks

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    It is not part of American Exceptionalism to be open. We are only happy as a people when we can stand in judgement of others.

    • Barrelhse

      Bitch set me up.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I love shrooms. Last time I did them I spent the day at the Minnesota Renaissance Fair. I grinned so much I had muscle spasms in my smile muscles.

    • freakishlywrong

      We actually taped ourselves once, to see if we were really funny? Or if the shrooms made everything funny. We played it back a few days later. We were really fucking funny.

      • iburl

        You were high when you watched the tape, weren't you? :)

  • metamarcisf

    This is why my role model is Art Linkletter's daughter.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Mushrooms don't grab you by the balls and pull you around like LSD does.

    • jus_wonderin

      Hey, one man's pull around is another man's good Saturday night.

  • freakishlywrong

    I don't know about any one else, but I'd give my left ball for a a "flashback". (I don't have balls). But would love the flashback!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    CLOSE THE DANGED MIND!!!

    • jus_wonderin

      "And go back upstairs and flip off all of the minds you left on up there, too! Thoughts don't grow on trees! Geez, kids today!"

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Why do you think the founding forefolk called them Liberty Caps?

    And with the NW fall showers C'Addle is filled with silly psilocybinaros on their hands and knees searching for a lost contact lens.

  • MMathS

    Eh…I'm good, thanks.

  • http://thatsmrsbitchtoyou.blogspot.com Mrs. Bitch

    Shee-it. All us dirtyhippiecommiepinko types would be the only ones taking the shroon ride to bliss. And then we'd all become open and accepting (and not in the good way) to Glenn and Quitler and Rush and Perry. I'd rather snort Drano.

  • sati_demise

    Steve Jobs may have needed another dose when he decided to off shore Apple jobs to China. jmho

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    "Hallucinogenic Psilocybe were known to the Aztecs as teonanácatl (literally "divine mushroom" – agglutinative form of teó (god, sacred) and nanácatl (mushroom) in Náhuatl) … Aztecs and Mazatecs referred to psilocybin mushrooms as genius mushrooms, divinatory mushrooms, and wondrous mushrooms, when translated into English."

    Then Catholic missionaries all but wiped them out (or converted them). Thanks, Jeebus!!

    "After the Spanish conquest, Catholic missionaries campaigned against the "pagan idolatry," and as a result the use of hallucinogenic plants and mushrooms like other pre-Christian traditions was quickly suppressed."

  • mavenmaven

    Interestingly, they grow wild in Redmond, near the Microsoft campus. Happy memories!

    • flamingpdog

      Hmmm, my youngest son now works for Microsoft in Redmond …. ROAD TRIP!!1!

    • DahBoner

      How do you think Bill Gates's wife got the idea for a Talking Paperclip?

  • James Michael Curley

    Carlos Freakin' Castaneda was right!

    • DahBoner

      Well, in the case of shrooms, more like Maria Sabina…

  • MistaEko

    Pursuit of, yes. Happiness, no.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Mushrooms are great — I prefer LSD though, because it's so much more immersive. When you're on a shroom trip you don't stay tripping the whole time, but have small flashes of coherence that diminish as the trip takes hold, but then increase again after the peak. With acid it's best to do a little more prep in advance, but the effects are much more all-encompassing — and while I haven't tripped in a few years, I wouldn't mind doing acid about once every two years or so. More than that would be a bit overwhelming, but it's a damn fun way to spend a pleasant summer day.

    And of course it has profound, long-lasting effects. It affects the way you perceive reality to the point where it's like living inside a completely different brain for several hours. Once you're done, you realize that your own perceptions aren't the only way to see things, and you generally are more aware that there are other ways of seeing and being than just your own, thus increasing empathy.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Empathy? That can only lead to Hitler, you know.

  • lochnessmonster

    I know many very sour ppl who should be forced to take it.The ones who are not happy unless they have something or someone to bitch about.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Get all the Republican presidential candidates on mushrooms, and I would not only tune in for the next debate, I'd travel to wherever it's held and buy a ticket. Santorum, Bachmann, Perry, and Paul tripping? I'd give anything.

  • iburl

    Do you know how hilarious it is to climb a rock pile?
    If you do… you might be on mushrooms.

  • Beowoof

    For years I have said that anyone caught having a good time will be arrested. I thought I was being sarcastic not ironic.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Sounds like a day on James O'Keefe's dildo boat.

  • ttommyunger

    Tight pussy, loose shoes and a warm place to shit. End of story.

  • BornInATrailer

    ♪♫ I was gonna vote Republican.. but then I got high…♫♪

  • tessiee

    "See if you can guess which method the U.S. Government describes as a “Schedule 1 drug"

    Meh, if they could outlaw open-mindedness and empathy, they'd outlaw them, too.

    • user-of-owls

      Be patient, they're working on it.

  • Tommmcattt

    Does the whole "Schedule" strategy bother anyone else? It gives the FDA carte blanche to make any substance illegal simply through a bureaucratic process. No public discussion, no legislation, just some meetings and an announcement.

    Bugs me.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilleddoommate

    n
    / `
    (___:)
    """"
    ||
    ||
    ))
    //
    [mushroomfail]

  • HelmutNewton

    So, all we have to do is dose all three branches of government and all Republicans with 'shrooms, and everything will be groovy, right?

    • DahBoner

      Unfortunately, if you dose control freaks, they just get needy.

      Be prepared for lots of hand holding…

  • DahBoner

    Well, they were legal until in the 60's some farmers in Oregon got tired of seeing hippies crawling around in their cow pastures.

    Cue up Mushroom Maniac by Mojo Nixon…