joe the dumber

Has-Been Creepazoid ‘Joe The Plumber’ To Run Unsuccessfully For Congress

Lagging album sales? Out of cash? No problem: run for Congress.OH FINALLY:  here is this thing we briefly forgot about but will now post “for comedy” announcing that Samuel “Joe the Grifter Tax-Delinquent Fake Plumber” Wurzelbacher decided he is running as a Republican for a seat in the crappier chamber of Congress even though God begged him not to and Joe hates Republicans. Such a promising start! There are probably many other hundreds of delusional Americans out there running for Congress who have a frosty chance in hell of winning, but this particular washed-up Pajamas Media wingnut sleepover party sex columnist is still fun to mock because he is an actual worse fraud than a Nigerian prince scam email plus Santa Claus put together.

Let’s see… here is The Hill on why Joe the Plumber will never win anything:

Wurzelbacher’s FEC filings indicate he would run as a Republican in Ohio’s 9th district, which was heavily rejiggered during a redistricting process in which Ohio lost two House seats due to slow population growth. The Democratic-leaning district runs from Cleveland to Toledo.

Eh, he can probably still get some free anus burgers and book deals out of it. Why not? [The Hill]

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  1. memzilla

    The Democratic-leaning district runs from Cleveland to Toledo is mostly black.

    /fixed –and good luck with that, you Palin wanna-be!

    1. Negropolis

      The way the Republicans drew that district is an abomination. It has to be one of the most shamelessly gerrymandered districts in the entire country. The thing runs along the coast of Lake Erie and then literally jumps out into the water before hitting land, again.

    1. HarryButtle

      Dude, you really ought to have a QUALIFIED plumber take a look at that. You don't want just some random moran fishin' around in your poop.

  2. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    This is The Year of the Angry Candidate. Or The Year of Faux Candidacy as a Jerbs Program/Promotional Tool.

    Presumably even today's wacky Republican Party has some sort of mechanism to weed out jokes like this guy.

      1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

        Cain's angry. "How dare you ask me if I care about other black people!"

        Christie was angry: "How dare you ask me why I don't send my kids to public schools while I cut funding for public schools!"

        Perry's angry: "If you think I sell out for only $5,000, I'm offended!"

        Huntsman's angry….

        I got nothing.

        1. emmelemm

          I was thinking more along the lines of douchebag child-neglecter Joe Walsh ("I hate the fucking Eagles!") and his "you lie! I'm angry! Nobama!" drama queen ways.

          But yeah, they're all "angry". Angry like when your wallet's too small for your Benjamins and your diamond shoes are too tight.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      As many others have pointed out, a can't-possibly-win candidacy is essentially an audition for a lucrative spot in the Conservative Commentariat product stream: FoxNews commenter job, speaking at rightwing gatherings, books calling other Americans traitors, etc

  3. Callyson

    He listed himself as the committee's treasurer.
    Twice in two Wonkette postings: ka – ching! $$$!!!

  4. __kth__

    I'll take "Straws That John McCain Clutched At As The Quicksand Filled His Nostrils" for $400, Alex.

  5. ifthethunderdontgetya

    …because he is an actual worse fraud than a Nigerian prince scam email plus Santa Claus put together.


    O.T.O.H., you can mock Jesusween:

    #21 Love the ween! — Sparky McGruff 2011-10-11 00:37

    When I was a kid, my pastor shared his ween with me. That simple act changed my life forever. Now I want to share my ween with everyone that I see. I share it on the bus, I share it in school, I share it with everyone I see.

    I think it's great to have a special holiday to celebrate upstanding Christian men sharing their ween with young boys! Share the ween!


    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I had to take a break from grant writing. And after looking at the "JesusWeen" page, this shit just writes itself.

        1. Sparky_McGruff

          I added the Congressman's comments already:

          #22 I'm down with this idea — Anthony Weiner 2011-10-11 00:48
          I'm going to send ween pictures to everyone on the 31st. Text me if you want me to send my ween your way!

  6. Chichikovovich

    The district extends from Cleveland to Toledo? What the hell? Did they just draw a circle around every black household on the map and amalgamate them?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Why, yes, Tom DeLay did. His fancy redistricting invention was his major claim to fame in the GOP. A bug exterminator didn't get to be so famous in Washington just for his dancing skill. He can draw clever shapes, too. They're just like Rorschach tests — when you hold one up in front of a Republican Congressman, it makes him say, "I hate black people."

      1. not that Dewey

        Gerrymander fail. I thought the point of that corrupt practice was to dilute the influence of "the wrong kind" of voting bloc, not to bolster it.

          1. not that Dewey

            I guess there are a couple schools of thought. This is the "safe district" method. The other would be to whiten up each district just enough that voter disenfranchisement and Southern Strategy do the heavy lifting. Less obvious that way, if they had any compunction about being obviously racist, which they don't, so nevermind.

          2. Terry

            You end up with one Democrat, perhaps a black person, to whom you can point as proof that you really didn't gerrymander the other party out of existence….just marginalized them in their own district.

  7. JackObin

    And I thought this nation was unserious. That sound you hear is the rest of the world falling down with laughter. This fool will go well with that mormon ding-a-ling as preznit. No booze, no coffee, no thinking.

  8. Pragmatist2

    His real name is Sam and he is not actually a plumber, So there is nothing about him that is genuine. Why the hell didn't he run for Senate??

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The scary thing is, by any apparent standard at play, he would make a great GOP presidential candidate.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Thinks members of the press should be roughed up, for not producing propaganda. Or simply for mentioning the war.

      Thinks anti-gay slurs don't count as slurs, because they're in the dictionary.

      Thinks black man presidential candidate is a lot like black man entertainer.

      Lies about himself, constantly, to pretend that the rich and super-rich are just regular working folks.

      Yeah, I'd say you're pretty much right.

    2. Mojopo

      This is all part of the GOP's big tent plan. In addition to accepting pedos, grifters, diaper men and toilet queers they're also appealing to deadbeat dads and tax frauds. Can't lose.

  10. Goonemeritus

    How dare you call Santa Claus a fraud, he is however dead according to the US Government which featured Santa on a stamp. The United States Postal Service has a firm policy of never featuring the living.

        1. Mojopo

          Born Again Santaween anybody? It's Santaween at Macy's all ready. You can trip over a pumpkin and a decorated toilet brush tree tree on the same day. I did.

  11. Texan_Bulldog

    As much as I don't care for Britney Spears, she seems to be a less attention whore than Joe.

    1. flamingpdog

      And I certainly don't ever want to see any pictures of Joe the Plumber getting out of his car while exposing his crotch.

  12. flamingpdog

    Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known to most Americans as Joe the Plumber, has taken concrete steps toward running for the House in Ohio.

    Could someone please fit him with a pair of concrete boots first?

  13. owhatever

    Some people just cannot get enough of making fools of themselves. Joe the Plumber never realized he was just a McCain show pony. "Joe? Joe? Are you out there, Joe?"

  14. Goonemeritus

    I guess this is Joe’s golden parachute, leave it to the Republican Party to treat its shills so shabbily. Joe is just this year’s Katherine Harris with a looser sweater.

    1. flamingpdog

      At least Manson, unlike most Rethuglicans, had the decency to carve the swastika in plain view in the middle of his forehead where everyone could see it.

  15. AnAmericanInTO

    Oh whatever, with your "Cleveland to Toledo."

    Those Koch-bucks are already on their way to pay whatever it takes to have another lackey to do their bidding. That and a coupon book for Godfather's Pizza.

  16. ManchuCandidate

    Can you unclog
    Clogged Sinks or Can

    I do not do them,
    I can not unclog
    Clogged Sinks or Can

    Would you unclog them
    Here or there?

    I can not unclog them
    here or there.
    I can not unclog them
    I can not unclog
    Clogged Sinks or Can
    I can not unclog them,

    Would you run for a seat
    In the House?
    Would you spend taxpayer cash
    like a louse?

    I will run for a seat
    in the House.
    I will spend taxpayer cash
    like a Louse.
    I do not know anything
    here or there.
    I do not like facts
    I can not unclog clogged sinks or can.
    I can not unclog them, Joe-I-am.

    But you're SAM!!!

  17. coolhandnuke

    With Joe the Plumber announcing he's running, all I need is for Joey Buttafuoco, John Bobbitt and Kato Kaelin to run for Congress and I win our office pool's "Pick Four Turds Who Will Improve the Aroma of the House,."

    1. RadioOcupados

      Good point actually. These ass knuckles would prolly improve the toilet water that is the US Congress.

    2. SoBeach

      You're a shoe-in. My picks were Tanya Harding, Bocephus., some Mega-church meth 'mo, and Bildo "Loofah" O'Reilly.

      I'm probably out of the running this time, but I'm playing the same four in 2016.

      1. user-of-owls

        I'm playing…

        Damn. Never mind, you guys did too good a job sweeping up the elephant sawdust. Nothing good left.

  18. MilwaukeeKent

    One of my favorite stories from 2008. Last week of the election, major McCain appearance. Candidate on stage. Introduces Joe. Joe's not there, "Bueller…Bueller…".
    Some starry-eyed Regent University intern on loan from the Bush Admin. likely forgot to make the phone call.
    Same week, Obama comfortably ahead in Wisconsin, I'm one of 3,000 volunteers in the state, gettting 3 calls a day verifying my volunteer time the next day.
    Rudy Giuliani at the GOP convention that year — "Community Organizer? What's that?" and a sea of puffy white faces responded with a loud laugh.
    Joe the Plumber not being on that stage, 3,000 people like me knocking on doors in a state already all but won. Does that answer your question, Rudy?

  19. Negropolis

    Y'all watch where the money comes from for this, okay. Keep a look-out in the disclosure filings for "GrifterPAC", 'cause this is some Palinomics shit, right here.

    Citizens United will be the death of American politics, no snark. Corporate America has slid its blood funnel directly into the process, and it'll be like trying to get a tick off a dog to reverse it. And, like a tick, you can pull its body off, but the head remains in the skin.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      But, was not Walnuts's marriage to baroness Cindy a grift?

      Let us not forget who was the first gold digger in this.

  20. JoshuaNorton

    Wurzelbacher’s FEC filings indicate he would run as a Republican in Ohio’s 9th district,

    Because it was either that or take a job as a crash-test dummy.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      And congratulations, Grumpe, for being the only survivor of the Purge of the Weens. They saw the first line about handing out bibles and read no further!

      I salute you!

  21. Warpde

    Don't be hating on Joey.
    After all, at one point we have all had to deal with a fucked up wanna be plumper.
    I also hear he comes highly recommended by a fucked up wanna be half Governor and some well known crash test dummy pilot.

  22. Negropolis

    Totally OT, but if my Tigers end up losing this series – and it's looking like that's a very real possibility, now – I don't know what I'll do. I'd have rather we were put away by the Yankees than to lose to Dubya's Walker Texas Rangers.

    We get rain delayed the first game only to come back and lose; the second game is put off due to weather, and then we get stomped on the very last hit of the game with a walk-off home in extra innings. It ain't fair.

    1. flamingpdog

      I remember when the Texas Rangers were the Washington Senators, Part Deux. Can you imagaine any self-respecting sports teams being named "Senators" anymore?

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Didn't Dubya unload his shares a dozen years ago? I recall citing the Rangers' championship win as evidence that it took a decade to recover from his leadership.

      1. comrad_darkness

        That he did. He and his cadre netted 750 million cool ones after getting the taxpayers (including the self deluded 53%ers of the time) to pony up for upgrades on the sad assed franchise they bought for cheap.

        You know, that classic self- made millionaires kind of gig.

      2. not that Dewey

        Yes, but Nolan Ryan is just as much of a wingtard asshole as W. No net improvement in the team ownership.

      3. Negropolis

        I still call them Dubya's team, because he still goes to the games. I'm aware he unloaded his ownership years ago.

    3. Barrelhse

      I wanted Detroit this year- I'm glad they beat the Yankees, but wish they'd beat the Rangers because it's Texas. (I'm in Red Sox country)

  23. CountryClubJihadi

    My brother, the real plumber, just explained what gets trapped in the catch of drinking fountains. Next time you are tempted to take a drink, don't. Real plumbers are heroes.

  24. Doktor Zoom

    Only slightly OT, since it involves Real Americans Who Love Real America (Not Like Us Liberal Traitors): Inspired by the massively below-zero pee scores of our colleague IndiePalin (-117!!), I decided to visit our friends at The Seit That Must Neit be Neimed, where, in a thread about a moron who insulted a woman who was supporting the Troops, I found this intriguing sentiment:

    Keep pushing up against the Military, keep burning flags, calling the Military names, keep saying that the United States must become a Communist country, and then find out just how few of you there are on this Earth and how quickly the Military gets to work and cleans things up.
    All totally legal, the Constitution already allows for such action.

    Ever the librul smartypants that I am, I pointed out that, yes indeed, the Constitution actually does allow flag-burning, troop-insulting, and communism-advocating, but that, even in a civil insurrection, declaring martial law is a power reserved to Congress, not to the armed forces themselves. To which our True Patriot replied, "Your post is against Federal Law."

    Asked for details, he bravely ran away, pointing out that I was a Wonketteer and that "The only good Communist is a Dead Communist." So I am left unenlightened: does anyone here know why a wingnut would think that:

    A) The Constitution empowers the military to eliminate libruls?
    B) pointing out that this may not be the case is a violation of federal law?

    And yes, I know that nothing is accomplished when Someone Is Wrong On the Internet.

    1. user-of-owls

      The guy is concerned with respecting Federal Law?

      Hmm. My understanding of the types that visited that site must be totally wrong.

    2. flamingpdog

      "does anyone here know why a wingnut would think …:"

      "wingnut" and "thought": *does not compute*.

    3. Chichikovovich

      Quite an amazing thread. The tender feelings of Breitbart and his flock are horrified to discover that in a group of tens of thousands, you can find one guy who says something disagreeable to someone supporting Gitmo (and who was also purportedly in the Marines, which apparently gives you license to support any position whatever, free from critical comment.) Such animals those OWS people are. [Bearing in mind that several of Breitbart's people have acknowledged engaging in false-flag actions, even this video is worthless as evidence, of course.]

      Then a loyal Breitbart-Ableitung member starts predicting, and openly lusting for, the military to initiate a Turner-diaries style bloodbath against all "liberals". And that's perfectly OK. Doesn't reflect badly on Breitbartiana at all. A strange and frightening world over there.

        1. flamingpdog

          ♫ Oh, I don't want him, you can have him
          He's too fat for me
          He's too fat for me
          He's too fat for me
          I don't want him, you can have him,
          He's too fat for me
          He's too fat
          He's too fat
          He's too fat for me. ♫

          1. user-of-owls

            In heaven there is no beer,
            that's why we drink it here…

            oh, you know the story ends. Death and alcoholism. Ooo-fucking-pah.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        As god is my witness, I really hadn't seen that picture before, and until reading the comments elsewhere in the post, had no idea it was Britney.

        This gives me the same sort of elitist thrill that not recognizing 9/10 of the names on supermarket tabloids does. There are some things I'd just rather remain clueless about.

        1. not that Dewey

          Fair enough. Crazee Britnee was one of those memorable-for-being-a-trainwreck schlock-culture memes that oozed itself into my brain. It was painful to see, in a Kim-Delaney-performs-for-military-audience kind of way. I hope she's better now.

          Those supermarket tabloids are among the most debasing predatory scams currently running on the under-educated, right up (down?) there with Scratch-n-Win lottery tickets. People who can least afford it spend what little money they have making themselves dumber and poorer with that crap. I still have no idea what the significance of "Kardashian" is, unless it's some kind of Armenian mafia thing. Is it? Praise be elitism!

          1. Doktor Zoom

            The Kardashians are the bad guys from the Delta Quadrant that are in league with the Jem Haddar. Captain Sisko whupped 'em good.

            I had certainly heard about Crazee Britnee, but I get 96% of my news from NPR, so I'm not always up on the visuals.

          2. not that Dewey

            Only 4% of your news comes from Wonkette? That doesn't seem like much.

            EDIT: Woo hoo! Netflix has Deep Space Nine. I haven't seen that in years, ever since the WB turned into the CW and started showing non-stop Cardassian marathons.

            EDIT EDIT: I found an autographed Jadzia Dax photo at a flea market in Brooklyn once. It was around that time that my crush on Ensign Ro was displaced.

          3. comrad_darkness

            SEE, the Kardasians are from Star Trek. I was telling someone this just the other day and they looked at me like I was crazy.

          4. zhubajie

            The Weekly World News used to be fun when it was all UFOs, Loch Ness monsters and psychics. Unfortunately, the old editor died and the replacement hasn't the same imagination or sense of humor….

          5. not that Dewey

            It was the beginning of the end for them when they lost exclusive rights to Bat Boy merchandise and the 23-foot grasshopper scoop.

  25. KotBR

    The Democratic-leaning district runs from Cleveland to Toledo.

    Well, he's under-qualified to work at Cedar Point, which is the only place in that stretch likely to be hiring over the next two years. So, why not?

    1. ThundercatHo

      I'd love to see that bastard rocking those lemon yellow bib-shorts, the ones the foreign exchange slave girls have to wear as they're sweeping up the park with their little brooms and dustpans-on-a-stick.

  26. Doktor Zoom

    What the gently caress …the full-page ad is for something I'd actually be interested in watching, for once?

    (Great Moments in Nerddom: I instantly recognized the voiceover artist on my kid's video game, Secret Weapons Over Normandy as "the Frontline guy." Now that Don "In a World" LaFontaine is gone, Will Lyman has the most authoritative voice IN ANY MEDIUM. For that matter, LaFontaine didn't really do documentaries… So there. Will Lyman: The Most Interesting Voice In the World)

    1. mourningnmerica

      Dok, I have been a Will Lyman groupie for 10 years. He is the very best. Number 1.

      Studying narration is my favorite pastime. For my money, the greatest feat in narration history is the 24 1 hour episodes of "The World at War". It took me a while to realize that it was narrated by the greatest actor of all time, Sir Laurence Olivier. If by chance you are unfamiliar with it, please check it out. He is absolutely sublime, and with material that it would practically be impossible to do justice to. How do you narrate film of the death camps and bulldozers?

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I remember it from its first (?) run–the title graphics, with the images blistering and burning, are among the most effective ever made.

        And Lyman's work on Vietnam: A Television History was perfect.

        (Oh, and that videogame–produced by LucasArts, and the cutscenes Lyman narrates are a combination of actual WWII history and pure nonsense about the Nazis' "Nemesis Squadron" and the equally bogus allied "Battlehawks"–and with Lyman reading it, it seems slightly more credible. Let's hope he continues to use his powers for good….)

  27. SayItWithWookies

    Oh great — the homely male divorced careerless less-qualified-than-Sarah-Palin version of Sarah Palin. The only advantage he has is that if he utters a complete sentence during the campaign, people will think he's a genius. He needs to hold public office the way Newt Gingrich needs an intern.

  28. zhubajie

    I keep wondering why Joe doesn't just move to the Cincinnati-Dayton area, where he'd fit right in!

  29. iburl

    Another frothy dropping from the ass of John McCain. So rarely has one man done so much to bring so many raving jidiots to so many.

      1. iburl

        Yeah… I guess I am. Merry Christmas!

        Jidiots is a typo, but maybe it could be short for Teabag Jihadi Idiots.

  30. prommie

    Wonkette, you have made me feel very akward and self-conscious, by using the description "has-been creepazoid." Not everyone can be an "up-and-coming winner."

  31. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Why can't the Democrats get in on this hot new jackass-candidate trend? Clearly, Americans are fed up with Harvard-educated intellectual elitist scholar types, and a sub-100 IQ is the new must-have for national office. Letting the GOP get a death grip on the dummy demographic was a huge mistake, and the Dems could be paying for it for decades.

  32. kissawookiee

    Slow population growth in the Cleveland-Toledo corridor? And here I'd been led to believe that those people have been popping out babies left and right since the days of Saint Ronnie, because mama needs a new Cadillac. Something is clearly amiss.

  33. OH_Progressive

    Oh, happy days, this is my district!!!! Sadly the Dem primary will see one of Marcy Kaptur or Dennis Kusinich gone if the re-districting stands, which seems unlikely. Either way, this turd will get blown out of the water and I will be inundated with all his moronic ads for the next 13 months!

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