because god loves a good penis joke

Wingnuts Plotting To Overthrow Devil Halloween Ritual With ‘JesusWeen’

This, too, is Satanic.The fringe end of the Jesus people spectrum is still sore about the unholy existence of patron witch-saint Christine O’Donnell’s annual demonic pagan sex party “Halloween,” so they are heroically promoting a hilarious/doomed Internet campaign to put the “Jesus” back in “Ween” this October 31st. Everyone celebrate “Jesus Ween,” for the kids! Oh sure, it may sound like a creepy Ted Haggard joke, but no: Jesus Ween celebrants are called upon to surprise the costumed child-heathens’ outstretched candy pails with miniature Bibles, which we are guessing will rank right along with the travel-size floss the neighborhood dentist is always giving out. How about a fun “Jesus Ween” commercial, after the jump!
Everyone, please consider introducing some filthy Jesus Ween to your city:

Aaaand, for good measure. here are our favorites from the unmoderated “testimonials” submitted to via Facebook:
  • “Sandra” – I am so excited about JesusWeen. Personally, I don’t like or celebrate Halloween. Usually, I lock myself up and pretend no one is home on that day. This year, I look forward to handing out Christian gifts and reaching my world.
  • “Barnes” – Just want to thank you. I am glad to see christans that don’t celebrate halloween so many do and think i am harsh or weird because i will not allow my son to dress up for this devils holiday am glad to see church’s giving the kids another option for that day THANK YOU
  • “John” – My kids just asked me if I knew what a ween was, and we are born again.
Careful there with the sarcasm, “John!” The Jesus Santa is watching.  [ via BoingBoing]
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  1. Barb

    Instead of candy, I am handing out a festive blend of Christ Chex mix. I'm still going to sacrifice a goat though.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Be sure none of these moran inbreds fuck the goat first. That way you get double credit for goat and virgin sacrifice.

    2. rocktonsam

      Dibs on the Snickers that Jesus doesn't want.

      I'm giving out condoms this year. Extra pleasure, also.

          1. PalinzADummy

            I'm not sure I wanna be arguing the fine points of theology with Biely, seeing as how he has a warm temperament and is given to rather … enduring solutions.

  2. JoshuaNorton

    favorites from the unmoderated “testimonials”

    I get the sense that a lot of those family trees have a car wrapped around them.

      1. Crank_Tango

        and their actual trees will be festooned in toilet paper if they go handing out jesus ween gifts.

        Also might end up on some kinda megan's list or something.

    1. Paul_y

      "I get the sense that a lot of those family trees have a car wrapped around them."

      That warranted a very hearty laugh. Good work.

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        Let's see, we buy 10,000 of those tracts, rent an airplane, and fly over Romney rallies and drop them on the crowd. Then we can sell tickets to the fights.

    1. FNMA

      Jesus, when I was a kid, a long, long time ago, so long that I'm sure the statute of limitations has expired, there was a guy who gave out Chick tracts at Halloween. Needless to say, he then spent the entire month of November cleaning up and repairing his house and car. He pretty much needed a new mailbox every year, I think.

    1. SorosBot

      It's what Halloween is all about: women getting dressed in slutty outfits; and that's why I love it.

    1. MiniMencken

      In Italy, a lot of food shops in touristy areas sell bags of ween-shaped pasta. Shoulda stocked up, I now realize.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Pdog, you got bail munniez? Because you should prolly line that up before you hand out those tasty chocolate treats.

    2. Negropolis

      Pedobear loves the little children,
      all the children of the world,
      red and yellow, black and white,
      they are precious in his sight…

      1. flamingpdog

        New Jersey version:

        Christie love the little children,
        All the children of the world.
        Red or yellow, black or white,
        If you serve them over rice,
        Christie loves the little children of the world.

  3. JoshuaNorton

    They do realize that there's no such actual word as "ween" in Hallowe'en, don't they?

      1. OKthennext

        I generally believe that 'ween' refers to a penis, either erect or flaccid. Am I wrong in believing thusly?

        I kinda thought that 'Halloween' was a corruption of 'All Hallow's Eve', and there wasn't a ween involved at all.

        1. tessiee

          "I generally believe that 'ween' refers to a penis, either erect or flaccid. Am I wrong in believing thusly?"

          You are correct. It's derived from the Latin, "weenus".

          1. ThundercatHo

            According to my teenage son and my friend who is an eighth grade science teacher a weenus is the loose skin across one's elbow. Hence the phrase, "If you don't knock it off I'm going to twist your weenus off."

    1. Nostrildamus

      They do realize that …

      The answer to every question that starts with those four words is "no".

    1. Chichikovovich

      Ah say, Ah say, Ah say BALL – peen that is.
      Like, when you're hammerin' boy. Y'know what I mean, son?

  4. Tundra Grifter

    I think "Ween" is missing the "nie."

    Meanwhile, a few years ago on NPR's Storycore Project (I hope I got that name right) there was an wonderful tale told by an Indian (dot, not feather) woman who had just moved to the United States with her husband and small children. She described their first Halloween, living in New York City.

    Quite entertaining! Better than 'The Monkey's Paw."

    PS: The Simpson's Halloween Specials remain quite special, as well. Also.

  5. MissTaken

    #5 Grateful for Jesus Ween — Ingrid 2011-10-10 04:08
    Yes, Halloween is a holiday not of God …But what an opportunity for Gods kids to share the Hope, Grace and Mercy of Christ. Yet, over many years we have thrown away this opportunity, with every doorbell or trunk-o-rama. Grateful for Jesus Ween. Keep it up! –

    WHOA! What's a "trunk-o-rama" and why have I not heard of this before?!

    1. PalinzADummy

      My guess is that "trunk-o-rama" refers to the appendages of teh well-endowed, i.e., GAY REPUBLICAN peen. Maybe they have a prayer ceremony involving the display of these.

      1. tessiee

        "Maybe they have a prayer ceremony involving the display of these."

        Or at least repeated moans of "Oh, God!".

  6. Not_So_Much

    I don't think they know what 'ween' means…or peen. But pretty sure the youngsters are already celebrating it.

    1. flamingpdog

      And poking each other in the ribs and laughing their little heads off as they watch the video.

      1. PalinzADummy

        I have this horrible, sneaking feeling that the sprog of these idiotards know quite well what "teabagging" and "ween" mean, and don't bother to alert their parental units.

        1. Chichikovovich

          "Mommie, would you say that if we hand out Bibles we can make Satan feel he really pulled a boner when he invented Halloween?"

          "Yes, Hannah, that's a wonderful thought. Why are you and Johnny poking each other?"

  7. flamingpdog

    It's going to be so much fun picking up all the miniature Bibles out of the gutter in the street in front of my house first thing on All Saint's Day morning.

    1. tessiee

      "I've been celebrating Flying Spaghetti Monsterween for the past 75 years!"

      With the traditional pumpkin ravioli?

  8. Callyson

    "They hope to have many churches and bookstores benefit as people buy Christian items, and hopefully the gifts will get new people interested in joining a church."
    Ka – ching! $$$!!!

      1. PalinzADummy

        Interesting. The Jeebustard who is spouting that sentiment is using a representation of the Buddha to sell his scam. Huh.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Jesusween? Do we really need another infection of Christianity imposed on our good pre-inquisition holidays? Next they'll be trying to make something out of Wanksgiving and Clitsmas, and I personally will not stand for this corruption of good hedonistic days of celebration.

    1. flamingpdog

      I'd gladly put up with Wanksgiving and Clitsmas as long as I don't have to deal with the daily bEaster.

  10. paris biltong

    Good ween ladies and gentlemen, besides the obvious sexual connotation, the etymological assumption that Halloween comes from Hallo Ween is bizarre at best and the obvious next step for its proponents is this Jesus Ween, then Xmas Ween, New Year's Ween, etc. The church fosters stupidity.

    1. Barrelhse

      Indeed, how do these fuckers get "Ween" out of "E'en"- I love the smell of illiterate, home-schooled christians in the morning. Fuckin' tards.

  11. Goonemeritus

    I will be down with Jesus Ween if women dress up as slutty nurses or slutty librarian’s hell slutty anything really, till then back the hell off.

  12. extreme_left

    I remember the Priests were always keen to talk about their ween, so why not talk about Jesus's ween.

          1. flamingpdog

            Ah, now I see it. I guess the internetz fixed itself. I haz twin grandkiddos, almost 4 years old now.

        1. not that Dewey

          See it just fine. I got that same Ladybug for my niece a few years back. My sister must have sent her to demon school or Hogwarts or something, 'cause I never heard any complaints.

        2. tessiee

          What a darling costume! My niece was a cute ladybug (complete with deely bobbers) a few hallowe'ens ago, and insisted that her mom make an identical costume for her doll that she carried everywhere.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Maybe you could say she's going as one of the bugs that Leviticus says you shouldn't eat. 100% Biblical.

    2. Pres.Libunatic

      It's demonic, alright. I think H.P. Lovecraft wrote a short story about that particular Great Old One: La-Dybug, Dweller of the Deep, the Bug With A Thousand Young, a mere glimpse at which will turn a man of even the strongest constitution into a gibbering, quivering lunatic. Ia! Ia! La-Dybug Ftaghn!

    3. oldmayfly

      What a cute little ladybug costume! What kind of preschool does your granddaughter attend? Doesn't the teacher know that the "lady" in "ladybug" refers to the V. Mary?

      1. tessiee

        "Doesn't the teacher know that the "lady" in "ladybug" refers to the V. Mary?"

        Does it really?
        I can remember being about 5 years old and wondering why there were ladybugs but not manbugs.

      1. Chichikovovich

        I'm thinking that an Onan costume could have a lot of potential. Perhaps with a well-concealed bottle of Elmer's glue with a squirt nozzle….

    4. tessiee

      "She was told that she had to come as a biblical character"

      Jezebel? Mary Magdalene? the Whore of Babylon?

      [not suggesting that your grandbaby actually dress as those, btw]

  13. SorosBot

    Evangelicals, the Catholic Church already did this over a thousand years ago; you should be celebrating All Hallow's Eve, dressing up as your favorite saint, then go to church to have the All Saints' Day services, so as to un-reclaim the reclamation of Samhain.

    Personally, as a kid who went to Catholic school, I always loved All Saint's Day because it meant we had off the day after Halloween.

    1. flamingpdog

      Someone when I was a chillun, maybe Mad Magazine, suggested that November 2 was Some Saints' Day, and November 3 was A Few Saints' Day. I've carried that through life with me.

      1. tessiee

        "suggested that November 2 was Some Saints' Day"

        iirc (i.e., too lazy to look it up on wiki), Nov. 1 was All Saints' Day, and Nov. 2 was All Souls' Day, as in the souls of the dearly departed/dead relatives.

    2. Guppy06

      Meh, you should know by now that the Evangelicals hate the Catholics almost as much as they hate the Mormons.

      1. berkeleyfarm

        Joke's on them, as the Catholics (and other non-fundy Christians who celebrate it) should be having a good snicker about "reclaiming the holiday for Jeebus".

      2. Negropolis

        And they hate the Muslins just a bit more than they hate the Mormons. Ah, yes, the Christian heirarchy of hate.

        1. Guppy06

          I'm not entirely convinced they hate Muslims more than they hate non-Evangelical Christians. In fact, I think that if American Muslims were just a bit more vocal about hating on the gays, they'd all get along just fine.

          I mean, the Jews killed Christ and the Talibangelicals are totes gay for the Israeli Orthodoxy.

          1. Negropolis

            In the heirarchy of hate, race and ethnicity and nation of origin do factor themselves into the equation. If it was ever about ideology, the Evangelicals and the Muslims (minus the Sufis) would be best friends.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
            And the Catholics hate the Protestants,
            And the Hindus hate the Muslims,
            And everybody hates the Jews.

            Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week"

    3. tessiee

      "Personally, as a kid who went to Catholic school, I always loved All Saint's Day because it meant we had off the day after Halloween."

      Ugh! I hated All Saints' Day! We were Catholic, but went to public school, which means that on the day after Halloween, we had to go to church (ON A WEEKDAY!!), and THEN go to school! $>: – [

      1. SorosBot

        Ouch, that sounds bad; we were not Catholic but went to Catholic school, so it was just a bonus day off after the binge.

      1. flamingpdog

        ♫ Sometimes you feel like a slut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don't." ♫

        1. tessiee

          So, like male and female Hershey bars?*

          *For those who have never heard this, Hershey bars with almonds are male (because they have nuts), and regular Hershey bars are female (no nuts); ya get it, hengh?

    1. tessiee

      "Hand out condoms and Baby Ruths.

      You can't miss."

      So, wait…
      Are you saying condoms and Baby Ruths together, as in the condoms should go ON the Baby Ruths?
      Cause, I'm not sure where you're going with that, but it sounds kinda weird.

      1. tessiee

        Be careful!
        In rare instances, the jeebus can travel up the stream and cause a urinary tract infection.

        1. poncho_pilot

          so something like a cross between a salmon and a Ceti eel larva? except it enters through a different head?

          1. tessiee

            I was thinking more like peeing on the third rail*

            *for those who were/are not city kids, the third rail of the subway is electrified. Every so often a drunk or homeless guy pees on it, and (sorry guys) the charge really can travel back up the stream of urine. People have actually been electrocuted.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Very convenient of them to hand out bibles on a night where it's popular to light bonfires.

      1. tessiee

        True story: One year, my cousin overheard the bad boys planning to egg her house. After dark, her father hid in the bushes with a dozen raw eggs.

        First bad boy: What the HELL?
        Second bad boy: THEY'RE COMIN' BACK!!

  14. MiniMencken

    Well, as this insane gay Columbian radiology tech once explained to me around 1982, "Jesus had a big ween, because he was a perfect man." Who knew then that poor, crazy Rudolfo was a secret Bhoddisatva and prophet?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Of course he had a big ween — why I heard (holds arms in form of a cross) he was hung like this.

  15. Sue4466

    Why shouldn't the Christians co-opt the Pagan Hallowe'en, it worked out so well for them when they stole Yule by making it all about presents.

  16. poncho_pilot

    “Sandra” – Halloween scares me. Usually i curl up into a ball and hide under my dining room table, cover my ears, and pray at the top of my lungs while listening to Carmina Burana until the children/voices go away. This year I might go outside.

  17. WhatTheHeck

    So these christian folks want to step on Balzeebub’s toes by handing out candy for god on the day of the dead. Well, let me tell you, the Devil ain’t gonna take this lying down. He’s going to make sure his Wall street bankers get bigger bonuses come Christmas time.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Too Late! But you could have gotten a couple of copies of "D&C for Dummies" for 50% off. Sadly they were all gone long before the really super discounts were offered. At that point the pickin's were just Sarah Palin's books and other wingnut "nonfiction" and "Programming in Fortran" manuals, at 90% off.

      1. finallyhappy

        I got copies of Zombie Love songs for $.25 on the last day. No one was buying Snowbilly's book- it was there along with Pistol's

  18. mumbly_joe

    Actually, this is great news- it means that now, kids can spot the stingy houses by the white shirts the Jesusweeners are going to be wearing. In past years, it was impossible to tell which houses to avoid, until you were Box-of-Raisins'd-by-Surprise.

  19. mumbly_joe

    I'm not sure I have a firm handle on Jesusween, and what it's capable of. How big do we think Jesusween is going to get?

      1. mumbly_joe

        So, you're saying that Jesusween isn't going to build nearly as much excitement as we need, to get some a sustainable movement going, before the the whole Jesusween thing just completely blows up way too early, and leaves us all disappointed and unsatisfied?

        1. flamingpdog

          My sources suggest Jesusween will be bigger in the African-American community than in the Anglo-American community.

        2. gullywompr

          Well, this is Jesusween's first time, so don't expect much. After that, I don't think most of us will be anticipating Jesusween coming again next year.

  20. PalinzADummy

    Do these people, like, have any idea of what words mean? I mean, we just got through a huge made-up scandal about somebody who had a name that sounded like "Ween" who texted photos of his "ween" to people. So, uh, you know, like, "ween" is something you don't show to the kiddies, not even Jesus' ween, don't they get this?

    First teabaggin' and now weenin'. The stupid writes itself.

      1. PalinzADummy

        At the rate they're going, they already shot off whatever they were using for one. No wonder they're all full of teh h8.

  21. RadioOcupados

    I think two Frank Zappa quotes fit here.

    My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can”

    I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?

    Srsly, these Jeebustards are scarier than any Halloween character.

  22. CommieLibunatic

    RE: "Barnes"

    *in his best Samuel L Jackson voice*


  23. RedneckMuslin

    This could work. Nail a bloody Jesus on a cross in your yard. Sure to please the kids.

    Hope the neighbor girl wears that sexy Mary of Magdelene costume.

    You know, with a short dress and some cleavage, Jesus' mom's a hotty. The whore.

        1. DahBoner

          Well, his Daddy screwed his Mommy. But wait!

          Wasn't Jesus and Daddy the same person?

          So, basically Jesus screwed his mummy…

          1. gullywompr

            As long as you hit that wire with the connecting hook at precisely 88mph the instant the lightning strikes the tower… everything will be fine.

      1. HistoriCat

        Are you implying mama Mary was ugly? God does not need to use a paper bag when he's humping a chick.

  24. BlueStateLibel

    Halloween is the last non-religious holiday left that kids can use to exhort candy, and these assholes want to ruin it – I am ashamed to be an American today!

  25. poncho_pilot

    “Barnes” – All the animals come out at night – whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.

    1. GhostBuggy


  26. Chichikovovich

    I think I see a problem right away. I remember the little Gideon Bibles we got in school every year from two geezerific guys in suits. [I attended school in a strange, exotic country in which bible distribution and even the occasional organized prayer were allowed in public schools. And the government supported a parallel religious school system too. Hate to break it to you, any religious wingnuts who may be reading, but that didn't keep the country from turning into a socialist, capitol punishment barring, abortion allowing, testament to everything you hate.] By grade 8 I had a whole drawer full of 'em. I don't know why I kept so many – probably because every time I read one, I was so astonished by what I read, that I figured I needed a new copy to replace the obviously defective one I had been given.

    But the problem with these tiny bibles, for the hellfire-invokers, is that they only have the New Testament and Psalms. Apart from Revelation, and some of the letters St. Paul obviously wrote while nursing a monstrous tequila hangover, it's all loving – God stuff. The Rich man : getting into heaven = Camel : passing through eye of needle, Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are the peacemakers, all that. No Old Testament. Which means no smiting. No calling everything you don't like an abomination. No kids eaten by bears for taunting a prophet's baldness.

    Be warned, Jesusweenies: They might actually start following Christ's teachings if you hand out these.

    1. schvitzatura

      I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and I could viddy myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchocking and the nailing in, being dressed in the height of Roman fashion. I didn't so much like the latter part of the book, which is more like all preachy talking than fighting and the old in-out. I liked the parts where these old yahoodies tolchock each other and then drink their Hebrew vino, and getting onto the bed with their wives' handmaidens. That kept me going.

  27. JackObin

    Where the hell is jesus hiding, in the great pumpkin patch? Please, dear jesus, let'
    s hear from you instead of your less-than-holy followers. An appearance on Fox News with the Little Palin girl would be a nice touch.

  28. BklynIlluminati

    So glad that so many are ready to sacrifice their houses to be bombed with toilet paper and eggs. Onward Christian dorks!

  29. poncho_pilot

    so…? does that mean i should or shouldn't hand out packages of rat poison that actually contain candy?

  30. DahBoner

    For Jesusween, I presume, you would go up to a blind person and rub dirt in their eyes and yell "You're healed!.

    Then you run…

  31. Barb

    NO WAY! Christine hates religion. Her response to the teacher was "every girl there would have to be either Mary or Jeezabel" Christine doesn't know there are other chicks in the bible. She sends Ainsley to the preschool that her husband's work pays for and they don't allow Halloween.

  32. KeepFnThatChicken


    Or are you just a bunch of brand whores?

  33. Kat_man

    Aw yes, the satisfying "thud" as the small black box drops into your bag. You run back down to the street and anxiously root around to find the treat and it's a mini-bible. Enough to make a kid cuss.

    1. SorosBot

      Hey, a kid could a bible entertaining as long as they keep to the good stuff; the incest, the genocide, the gory punishments sent to innocent populations by a monstrous omnipotent being, and just tons of graphic violence and sex (tell them to chuck out Song of Solomon for some real hardcore shit). There's just lots of boring shit there too.

  34. glamourdammerung

    I thought most of these types were actually prohibited from giving out candy or answering the door on Halloween due to "big government" for years now.

  35. SheriffRoscoe

    Now that wonkette has linked to JesusWeen dot com, how long will unmoderated testimonials be allowed?

    1. poncho_pilot

      #11 My Ween is Bursting — TruckNutz
      "Everyday is JesusWeen at my house."

      i know that was for sure a Wonketeer.

  36. poncho_pilot

    there's a really old segment from the Daily Show where Colbert goes to a Hell House (that's how old). and it's priceless. unfortunately, i have not been able to find this clip. have any of you seen this/know where i can find it?

    1. LetUsBray

      Supposedly everything they've done is on The Daily Show's site. Sifting through it all would be the trick, though.

  37. mumbly_joe

    Their first idea was to put the Holy back in Halloween, but then they realized that Hallowholy" sounds kinda weird.

    (alternate comment ending: Unlike Jesusween, which doesn't sound amusing or unusual at all.)

    1. PalinzADummy

      Like that stopped the idiots from answering the phone with "Heaven-o!" Tell me THAT doesn't sound weird.

  38. coolhandnuke

    Pretty sure it was Jesus Ween who was the mastermind behind pissing in the Corona beer bottles back in the eighties.

  39. Neoyorquino

    The only religious outcome from this will be the righteous egging and toilet-papering of these 'weeners'.

  40. Ohforcripessake

    Interesting how Kortney was strategically placed right next to the JesusWeen article. Kinda makes ya think don't it?

  41. mavenmaven

    Personally, bloody Jesus with the head wounds and the bleeding hands, and throw in some Mel Gibson for fun, and you've got the scariest costume on the block, with or with the ween.

  42. rahelio

    Sigh. I was raised in a home where my grandmother – who practically lived with us – believed celebrating Halloween was a satanic ritual and forbade me from ever doing it. For the first 16 years of my life, I had to settle for the candy sale and all my friends re-living the magic of the previous night.

    Thankfully, Halloween is more than enough fun when you're an adult. But as a warning to these frigid christian assholes who can't let their kids whore themselves out for a bite sized Snickers, I still resent my grandma for that shit.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Yeah, well, my Halloweens growing up were no picnic either. Our mother let us celebrate it, but she was a dentist. Which meant, she would only let us keep some of our candy, and make us store the rest for later. And, because she was a dentist, she would totally sneak in and take away candy and throw it away, so that we wouldn't be able to eat it all and let it rot our teeth. I figured this out because even when we wouldn't eat any candy, the candy stores would gradually get smaller and smaller as time went on…

      Hold on. I think I just figured something else out.

  43. Antispandex

    …but, but I thought Halloween IS a Christian holiday. All Hallows Eve? No? Crap! I always get this stuff wrong.

  44. Shellwith2Ls

    The Catholic school that I went to in the 70's did Halloween in a big way. Candy, costumes, old school horror movies. Oh, wait the Catholic Church is run by Satan…nevermind! JesusWeen to the rescue!

    I can't stand these people.

  45. Comrade Wingtard

    This Jebusween, I'm going to saunter through my front door frame – which will be dripping in lamb's blood – with every ring of the doorbell, passing out copies of either "The Leviathan," "Mein Kampf" or possibly the bible if I can get a few copies somewhere for free.

    It beats barking orders to the kids via the intercom, which is what I usually do.

  46. Monsieur_Grumpe

    If I hear about any house handing out bibles for Halloween I'm placing a big bowl of eggs at the end of their driveway after spraypainting a large target on the house.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Don't forget copies of Dan Savage's guidebook for young teens: "Coming out to Your Christian Family"

  47. hognose47

    Was that Michelle Obama giving old books instead of candy ?
    We need big government out of our early-onset diabetes and I mean it.

  48. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I love Halloween. My porch is outfitted with 2 fog machines, speakers with scary music, well placed red and blue lighting, bushes that shake, glowing eyes, skulls, bones and plenty of fake cobwebs. I once had a parent come up to the porch and said that her kid was really scared by all the crap and she had a hard time getting her up to the door.
    Being a little embarrassed I told the mother that maybe I should tone it down a little. Her immediate and definite response was “No! This is great!”. This year I'm handing out homebrew for the cool parents. Moral of this story is fuck em if they can't take a joke.

    1. El Pinche

      Amen. My front yard looks like Vlad the Impaler's front yard complete with skulls impaled on sticks and about 10 graves with scary sounds ,etc. Jesusweiner or whatever, if you make it to the door , you'll get the good brand candy.

    2. emmelemm

      I have a friend who has a life-size mannequin/doll/replica of Michael Myers that she puts out in the yard every Halloween. It's not commercially made; it was made by one of her friends in art school and it looks abso-smurfing-lutely like the real deal.

      Her anniversary is actually Halloween, and she and her husband go all out at the house.

    3. tessiee

      I love Halloween, too. Candy whether or not I'm in a relationship, and the cobwebs in my house can pass for decor.

  49. ifthethunderdontgetya

    I'm in (I see y'all up there ;):

    #24 Minister of Optimism — I.F.Thunder 2011-10-11 00:58
    This is a Blessed Idea!

    How far better it is to hand out empty doctrine to rot kids' brains rather than tasty candy which would result in costly trips to the dentist.

  50. Beanball

    Holy suffering succotash, Batman.

    Don't these idiots know that All Hallows Eve is the Celtic holiday of Samhain, which is a day for the marking the end of Autumn as well a day reserved for honoring our deceased ancestors, hence it's alternate name, the Day of the Dead? It's not even particularly religious.

    It has absolutely zero to do with Christians or Christianity, and Jesus was on the other side of the freaking planet – not to mention the calendar – when this holiday was invented.

    What a bunch of maroons.

    1. Pat_Pending

      Where do we all weigh in on Dia de los Muertos? Tear my sugar skull out of my cold, dead… oh, wait.

    2. notreelyhelping

      Not to get serious, but actually visiting a Mexican cemetery during the Day of the Dead is such an intense, genuinely spiritual experience that it would scare the hell out of these people. So to speak.

    3. berkeleyfarm

      Well, it already did get co-opted by Christians, many many centuries ago, in the syncretic tradition of the early Catholic Church. Still a High Holy Day on the calendars of those who pay attention. Nov. 1 or 2 usually finds me in church at a smells-and-bells Requiem for All Souls (aka "Day of the Dead"). "All Saints" (f.k.a. All Hallows, All Holy Ones) has, where I sit, usually been shifted to the first Sunday in November.

      But the fundigelicals don't pay much attention to Other Christians, including centuries of church history.

  51. MilwaukeeKent

    Have your child try to turn the neighbor kids into goats — worked for JC — if they won't convert that is. The whole idea is a great way to summon eggs and toilet paper to your house later that night.

  52. BarackMyWorld

    When the fundamentalist church I was forced to go to in my youth tried this shit, they at least had the good sense to base their name for it on the phonetic similarities between "Halloween" and "Hallelujah."

    1. Negropolis

      I went to a religious school through primary school, but it was non-denominational. It had the effect that the people running the school could never agree on a lot of cultural issues, so very little was ever codified into the rules. It meant that very few cultural events were ever sponsored by the school, but it also meant that very few things were banned. Kids used to come to class dressed up for Halloween.

      My experience growing up with these kids opened my eyes to the fact that they were some of the most boozy, debauched families I'd ever seen, just like everyone else, except that they put on a facade for the weekdays. I remember drugs becoming a problem as early as middle school.

  53. Negropolis

    “John” – My kids just asked me if I knew what a ween was, and we are born again.

    Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

    Someone call CPS, stat.

  54. user-of-owls

    Damn! Some wack foreign dude posted over there. Yousser something or other. Wait…
    ah, "Yousser F Owels." Ha, what a stupid name…they'll let anyone on over there. LOL!

    1. jqheywood

      We say S'na-rk ma Jesus and fihgt to the W'aan Ke-Tte. your in love and peace

      You TOTALLY rock, dude! S'na-rk ma to you….

  55. HistoriCat

    We could always kick it old school and go back to the most popular Halloween activity prior to wide-scale candy giving … but some people just get so bent out of shape over a little arson.

  56. Negropolis

    I think when the kids come to your door and they hand you a Bible, they should shout to be given Barabbas. Okay, am I going to hell for that?

    1. flamingpdog

      Probably, but they won't let you stay for long. They still don't like "your kind" down in Texas.

    2. poncho_pilot

      if you are then so am i because i laughed hard at this, and my name of course. good thing i don't believe in hell.

  57. Nostrildamus

    Ummm, searching Google images for "Jesus ween" reveals some rather family-unfriendly images…

    1. berkeleyfarm

      ha ha ha ha.

      Yeah I know when the Feast of the Briss really is. (New Year's Day). But that was funny.

  58. Barrelhse

    Would Necco Wafers and grape juice be appropriate?

    Now when I was young, if anyone had the lack of sense to give out Bibles instead of candy those Bibles would have been hurled through the donor's picture window. Just sayin'.

  59. tessiee

    I didn't think it was possible to have a worse treat than the miniature toothbrushes that my dentist gave out on Halloween, but miniature bibles? That woman is begging for the TPing of her *life*!

  60. SorosBot

    Well, they've purged the testimonials, and gotten rid of the thumbs up / down now; our work is lost, but was fun.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      HAR!!! They didn't read very carefully, so this one by our own Monsieur Grumpe is still up: What great idea! I'm working on the bibles that I'll be handing out to the unsuspecting little goblins. When they open up their good books the be treated to a 98 decibel scream and spurting blood. Of course they'll be some candy inside because not giving out candy on Halloween would just be wrong.

      They saw "I'll be handing out bibles"and stopped reading! Epic win ween for M. Grumpe.

  61. ttommyunger

    Oh no you don't Kirsten! It's only 10:30 in the morning here and I'm not going over my daily fucktard limit this early: no way I'm watching this video. I would be up for plowing this spokesgal's Pumpkin Patch for an hour or so, just for Jeebus, of course.

  62. notreelyhelping

    Leave it to these people to try spoiling the only three religious holidays worth observing: Halloween, Mardi Gras, and April Fool's Day.

  63. Tommy1733

    A better idea would have been to promote All Saint's Day, which immediately follows All Hallow's Eve, and which is why we have All Hallow's eve in the first place – it is supposed to be a two-parter, kind of like how Mardi Gras is precursor to ash Wednesday. All these social rituals actually are intended to serve a useful purpose, and they really do kind of acknowledge humanity's need to let it all out on one day prior to getting down to business the next. It has been said many times but these so-called Christians in today's America just completely miss the point so often; they are a global embarrassment.

  64. sezme

    Just want to thank you. I am glad to see christans that don’t celebrate halloween so many do and think i am harsh or weird because i will not allow my son to dress up for this devils holiday am glad to see church’s giving the kids another option for that day THANK YOU

    Funny 'cause that's how a lot of us non-christians feel about Christmas. Also, you spelled "christian" wrong, ween-er.

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