BECAUSE GOD LOVES A GOOD PENIS JOKE  6:50 pm October 10, 2011

Wingnuts Plotting To Overthrow Devil Halloween Ritual With ‘JesusWeen’

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

This, too, is Satanic.The fringe end of the Jesus people spectrum is still sore about the unholy existence of patron witch-saint Christine O’Donnell’s annual demonic pagan sex party “Halloween,” so they are heroically promoting a hilarious/doomed Internet campaign to put the “Jesus” back in “Ween” this October 31st. Everyone celebrate “Jesus Ween,” for the kids! Oh sure, it may sound like a creepy Ted Haggard joke, but no: Jesus Ween celebrants are called upon to surprise the costumed child-heathens’ outstretched candy pails with miniature Bibles, which we are guessing will rank right along with the travel-size floss the neighborhood dentist is always giving out. How about a fun “Jesus Ween” commercial, after the jump!
Everyone, please consider introducing some filthy Jesus Ween to your city:

Aaaand, for good measure. here are our favorites from the unmoderated “testimonials” submitted to JesusWeen.com via Facebook:
  • “Sandra” – I am so excited about JesusWeen. Personally, I don’t like or celebrate Halloween. Usually, I lock myself up and pretend no one is home on that day. This year, I look forward to handing out Christian gifts and reaching my world.
  • “Barnes” – Just want to thank you. I am glad to see christans that don’t celebrate halloween so many do and think i am harsh or weird because i will not allow my son to dress up for this devils holiday am glad to see church’s giving the kids another option for that day THANK YOU
  • “John” – My kids just asked me if I knew what a ween was, and we are born again.
Careful there with the sarcasm, “John!” The Jesus Santa is watching.  [JesusWeen.com via BoingBoing]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 331 comments }

Barb October 10, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Instead of candy, I am handing out a festive blend of Christ Chex mix. I'm still going to sacrifice a goat though.

Not_So_Much October 10, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Be sure none of these moran inbreds fuck the goat first. That way you get double credit for goat and virgin sacrifice.

SorosBot October 10, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I'm planning on handing out packs of cigarettes; that should be a great gift.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Get 'em while they're young, dood.

rocktonsam October 10, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Dibs on the Snickers that Jesus doesn't want.

I'm giving out condoms this year. Extra pleasure, also.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Oh, Barb! Can it be a small plushy toy goat instead of, you know, a real one?

HistoriCat October 10, 2011 at 8:49 pm

As long as you'e not sacrificing to the wrong god, you should be OK.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 8:56 pm

And in this case, it would be Biel_ze_Bubba, right?

HistoriCat October 10, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Bielzy is the devil – not a god! That Allah – now he's the wrong god.

mourningnmerica October 11, 2011 at 3:32 am

But shouldn't it really be Hollowjesus?

FidoMcCokefiend October 10, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Jesusween? Isn't that what Priests have been giving alter boys for decades?

Negropolis October 10, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Jesus Juice, also.

Jukesgrrl October 10, 2011 at 6:54 pm

[Slaps head] JESUS! Why didn't I get the miniature Bible concession here in Arizona!!

nounverb911 October 10, 2011 at 6:54 pm

‘JesusWeen’? Didn't Jeebus have a bris when he was 7 days old?

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:40 pm

It might have been a "brie." You never know.

JoshuaNorton October 10, 2011 at 6:55 pm

favorites from the unmoderated “testimonials”

I get the sense that a lot of those family trees have a car wrapped around them.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Also not too many branches. Too.

Crank_Tango October 10, 2011 at 8:14 pm

and their actual trees will be festooned in toilet paper if they go handing out jesus ween gifts.

Also might end up on some kinda megan's list or something.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Let's hope.

Paul_y October 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

"I get the sense that a lot of those family trees have a car wrapped around them."

That warranted a very hearty laugh. Good work.

CapnFatback October 10, 2011 at 6:55 pm

This is good news for Jack Chick.

HistoriCat October 10, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Needs more shotgun.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Combine that with the fact that some of the Republicans running against Romney are going to be ordering this one by the truckload and I think the Chick publishing operation is about to get a major infusion of cash:
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0061/0061_01….

Dudleydidwrong October 10, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Let's see, we buy 10,000 of those tracts, rent an airplane, and fly over Romney rallies and drop them on the crowd. Then we can sell tickets to the fights.

FNMA October 11, 2011 at 8:01 am

Jesus, when I was a kid, a long, long time ago, so long that I'm sure the statute of limitations has expired, there was a guy who gave out Chick tracts at Halloween. Needless to say, he then spent the entire month of November cleaning up and repairing his house and car. He pretty much needed a new mailbox every year, I think.

MissTaken October 10, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I'm gonna dress as Strawberry Slutcake, for Jeebus!

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Pictures, or GTFO!!

Crank_Tango October 10, 2011 at 8:16 pm

thank you for saving me the typing.

SorosBot October 10, 2011 at 7:17 pm

It's what Halloween is all about: women getting dressed in slutty outfits; and that's why I love it.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

How much … clothing does this involve, altogether?

Gleem_McShineys October 10, 2011 at 6:56 pm

"Handing out ween candy to kids"

Pedobear is a Christian!

MiniMencken October 10, 2011 at 7:14 pm

In Italy, a lot of food shops in touristy areas sell bags of ween-shaped pasta. Shoulda stocked up, I now realize.

GunToting[Redacted] October 11, 2011 at 9:37 am

There is a German pasta dish which loosely translates as "little boy's willys."

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Schnitzengruben?

RedneckMuslin October 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Ted Haggard is Christian!

But I'm dressing as Jim Jones or David Koresh.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Hand these out for Halloweenie.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Pdog, you got bail munniez? Because you should prolly line that up before you hand out those tasty chocolate treats.

LetUsBray October 11, 2011 at 12:15 am

Well, DUH.

zhubajie October 11, 2011 at 6:53 am

Probably has his own Pentecostal church.

Gleem_McShineys October 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Peentecostal ?
Could be porn-again, also.

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 7:30 am

Pedobear loves the little children,
all the children of the world,
red and yellow, black and white,
they are precious in his sight…

flamingpdog October 12, 2011 at 1:20 am

New Jersey version:

Christie love the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red or yellow, black or white,
If you serve them over rice,
Christie loves the little children of the world.

Gratuitous World October 10, 2011 at 6:57 pm

"Trick or Trick?!"

JoshuaNorton October 10, 2011 at 6:58 pm

JesusWeen.com

They do realize that there's no such actual word as "ween" in Hallowe'en, don't they?

ShaveTheWhales October 10, 2011 at 7:03 pm

I'd guess "No".

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Does Herman Cain realize that most of his party members hate black people?

OKthennext October 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm

I generally believe that 'ween' refers to a penis, either erect or flaccid. Am I wrong in believing thusly?

I kinda thought that 'Halloween' was a corruption of 'All Hallow's Eve', and there wasn't a ween involved at all.

mumbly_joe October 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

[...]and there wasn't a ween involved at all.

Only if you're doing it wrong.

zhubajie October 11, 2011 at 6:56 am

I suspect All Hallows Even(ing).

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 9:31 am

"I generally believe that 'ween' refers to a penis, either erect or flaccid. Am I wrong in believing thusly?"

You are correct. It's derived from the Latin, "weenus".

ThundercatHo October 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

According to my teenage son and my friend who is an eighth grade science teacher a weenus is the loose skin across one's elbow. Hence the phrase, "If you don't knock it off I'm going to twist your weenus off."

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Is that like one of those, you know, "Is a bear Catholic?" kinda remarks?

mumbly_joe October 10, 2011 at 10:59 pm
PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Oh god it's Pope Pedobear.

donner_froh October 10, 2011 at 7:10 pm

When a question about teabaggers begins, "They do realize…"

The answer is always, "If the could realize anything they wouldn't be teabaggers"

WABishop October 10, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I suppose the celebrants can rightly be called 'Jesus-weeners'?

Nostrildamus October 11, 2011 at 2:09 am

They do realize that …

The answer to every question that starts with those four words is "no".

zhubajie October 11, 2011 at 6:55 am

These are people who only know what their favorite televangelicrook has told them.

ManchuCandidate October 10, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Sometimes a Jeebusween is just a peen.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Ah say, Ah say, Ah say BALL – peen that is.
Like, when you're hammerin' boy. Y'know what I mean, son?

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Is that a quote from Rooster Cockburn?

nounverb911 October 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Needs more penicillin.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Foghorn Leghorn. But you knew that.

HistoriCat October 10, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Well it IS Cocktober.

nounverb911 October 10, 2011 at 6:59 pm

"JesusWeen.com via Facebook:"
Another good reason never to join facebook.

Tundra Grifter October 10, 2011 at 6:59 pm

I think "Ween" is missing the "nie."

Meanwhile, a few years ago on NPR's Storycore Project (I hope I got that name right) there was an wonderful tale told by an Indian (dot, not feather) woman who had just moved to the United States with her husband and small children. She described their first Halloween, living in New York City.

Quite entertaining! Better than 'The Monkey's Paw."

PS: The Simpson's Halloween Specials remain quite special, as well. Also.

MissTaken October 10, 2011 at 6:59 pm

#5 Grateful for Jesus Ween — Ingrid 2011-10-10 04:08
Yes, Halloween is a holiday not of God …But what an opportunity for Gods kids to share the Hope, Grace and Mercy of Christ. Yet, over many years we have thrown away this opportunity, with every doorbell or trunk-o-rama. Grateful for Jesus Ween. Keep it up! –

WHOA! What's a "trunk-o-rama" and why have I not heard of this before?!

paris biltong October 10, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Jesus Ween keep it up indeed.

CapnFatback October 10, 2011 at 7:32 pm

A trunk-o-rama is not so much a "what" as it is a "who," a "where," and a "how many."

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:52 pm

My guess is that "trunk-o-rama" refers to the appendages of teh well-endowed, i.e., GAY REPUBLICAN peen. Maybe they have a prayer ceremony involving the display of these.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:04 am

"Maybe they have a prayer ceremony involving the display of these."

Or at least repeated moans of "Oh, God!".

PalinzADummy October 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Thanks for the refreshing dose of reality.

Barrelhse October 11, 2011 at 9:27 am

I don't know either, but listening to Ingrid is an obvious waste of time.

CapnFatback October 10, 2011 at 7:00 pm

JesusWeen?

Push th' little Christians and make 'em pay up!

Not_So_Much October 10, 2011 at 7:00 pm

I don't think they know what 'ween' means…or peen. But pretty sure the youngsters are already celebrating it.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:07 pm

And poking each other in the ribs and laughing their little heads off as they watch the video.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I have this horrible, sneaking feeling that the sprog of these idiotards know quite well what "teabagging" and "ween" mean, and don't bother to alert their parental units.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 8:44 pm

"Mommie, would you say that if we hand out Bibles we can make Satan feel he really pulled a boner when he invented Halloween?"

"Yes, Hannah, that's a wonderful thought. Why are you and Johnny poking each other?"

Chet Kincaid October 10, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Oh for Christ's sake.

ShaveTheWhales October 10, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Oh for Christ's sake ween.

gullywompr October 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm

A: Holy shit.
Q: What did the Jesus Weenies give out on Hallowe'en?

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Actually, pdog thinks they'll be giving away these. Cream-filled, yum!

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:00 pm

It's going to be so much fun picking up all the miniature Bibles out of the gutter in the street in front of my house first thing on All Saint's Day morning.

berkeleyfarm October 10, 2011 at 9:46 pm

You'll know what the janitors in New Orleans feel like on Ash Wednesday!

Come here a minute October 10, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I've been celebrating Flying Spaghetti Monsterween for the past 75 years!

ManchuCandidate October 10, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Waving your monster in our faces are you? Braggart.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:12 am

"I've been celebrating Flying Spaghetti Monsterween for the past 75 years!"

With the traditional pumpkin ravioli?

neiltheblaze October 10, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Way to get your house toilet papered.

Callyson October 10, 2011 at 7:03 pm

"They hope to have many churches and bookstores benefit as people buy Christian items, and hopefully the gifts will get new people interested in joining a church."
Translation:
Ka – ching! $$$!!!

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:15 pm
PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Interesting. The Jeebustard who is spouting that sentiment is using a representation of the Buddha to sell his scam. Huh.

SayItWithWookies October 10, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Jesusween? Do we really need another infection of Christianity imposed on our good pre-inquisition holidays? Next they'll be trying to make something out of Wanksgiving and Clitsmas, and I personally will not stand for this corruption of good hedonistic days of celebration.

ManchuCandidate October 10, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I'd celebrate Clitsmas every day if I could.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Too bad it only comes once a year.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm

I'd gladly put up with Wanksgiving and Clitsmas as long as I don't have to deal with the daily bEaster.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I b'leev I've just discovered a new way to celebrate the annual Xtian fest of spendage.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 8:29 pm

You forgot Eats'er.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 8:59 pm

(Sigh of satisfaction)

memzilla October 10, 2011 at 7:05 pm

So they still leave the lights off to fool the kids though, right?

paris biltong October 10, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Good ween ladies and gentlemen, besides the obvious sexual connotation, the etymological assumption that Halloween comes from Hallo Ween is bizarre at best and the obvious next step for its proponents is this Jesus Ween, then Xmas Ween, New Year's Ween, etc. The church fosters stupidity.

MissTaken October 10, 2011 at 7:08 pm

I luv me some Xmas Ween. Rawr!

Nostrildamus October 11, 2011 at 1:48 am

The church fosters stupidity.

You go with your strengths.

Barrelhse October 11, 2011 at 9:22 am

Indeed, how do these fuckers get "Ween" out of "E'en"- I love the smell of illiterate, home-schooled christians in the morning. Fuckin' tards.

x111e7thst October 10, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Nothing ruins Samhain like an infestation of miniature bibles.

zhubajie October 11, 2011 at 7:00 am

Use them to roll cigarettes! Maybe with the whacky tobaccy inside!

Goonemeritus October 10, 2011 at 7:08 pm

I will be down with Jesus Ween if women dress up as slutty nurses or slutty librarian’s hell slutty anything really, till then back the hell off.

SexySmurf October 10, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Slutty Virgin Mary?

Goonemeritus October 10, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I’m pretty sure that would only fly in Germany.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Robins fly in Germany, too. Unfortunately, not only there.

poncho_pilot October 10, 2011 at 7:16 pm

full of grace. full of grace.

Generation[redacted] October 10, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Isn't that just tomato juice and celery?

DahBoner October 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Sarah Palin's already dressing up as slutty church lady….

extreme_left October 10, 2011 at 7:09 pm

I remember the Priests were always keen to talk about their ween, so why not talk about Jesus's ween.

Barb October 10, 2011 at 7:09 pm

This demonic costume was rejected by my granddaughter's preschool teacher: http://i55.tinypic.com/34o22bn.jpg
She was told that she had to come as a biblical character instead. I already shipped the costume and she's wearing it and not going as a biblical character.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Not seeing the picture, Barb. But didn't know you're a grandma, shucks!

Barb October 10, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Yes, Ainsley is 2-years old. The costume is a cute ladybug. Can anyone else see it?

Chet Kincaid October 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Saw it.

Barb October 10, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Thanks Sweetie.

SorosBot October 10, 2011 at 7:44 pm

I saw it, and got Christine O'Donnell flashbacks.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Yup.

not that Dewey October 10, 2011 at 11:26 pm

See it just fine. I got that same Ladybug for my niece a few years back. My sister must have sent her to demon school or Hogwarts or something, 'cause I never heard any complaints.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:18 am

What a darling costume! My niece was a cute ladybug (complete with deely bobbers) a few hallowe'ens ago, and insisted that her mom make an identical costume for her doll that she carried everywhere.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Maybe you could say she's going as one of the bugs that Leviticus says you shouldn't eat. 100% Biblical.

mavenmaven October 10, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Just say she's coming as the plague of locusts.

Pres.Libunatic October 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm

It's demonic, alright. I think H.P. Lovecraft wrote a short story about that particular Great Old One: La-Dybug, Dweller of the Deep, the Bug With A Thousand Young, a mere glimpse at which will turn a man of even the strongest constitution into a gibbering, quivering lunatic. Ia! Ia! La-Dybug Ftaghn!

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Wow, you even spelt it all correctly. (Swoons)

oldmayfly October 10, 2011 at 9:40 pm

What a cute little ladybug costume! What kind of preschool does your granddaughter attend? Doesn't the teacher know that the "lady" in "ladybug" refers to the V. Mary?

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 9:57 pm

"Doesn't the teacher know that the "lady" in "ladybug" refers to the V. Mary?"

Does it really?
I can remember being about 5 years old and wondering why there were ladybugs but not manbugs.

WABishop October 10, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Ladybug or Whore of Babylon. Their choice.

Dudleydidwrong October 10, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Obvious biblical character: Beelzebug!

GhostBuggy October 11, 2011 at 12:02 am

Wait! You could probably get together a smashing Jesus/zombie costume. That counts, right?

schvitzatura October 11, 2011 at 2:49 am

Psalm 50:11 – I know every bird in the mountains, and the insects in the fields are mine.

zhubajie October 11, 2011 at 7:01 am

There are a lot of interesting biblical characters! Why not Rahab the Harlot?

Chichikovovich October 11, 2011 at 10:58 am

I'm thinking that an Onan costume could have a lot of potential. Perhaps with a well-concealed bottle of Elmer's glue with a squirt nozzle….

SorosBot October 11, 2011 at 11:07 am

Or a family could do a team costume, like a father and two girls dressing as Lot and his daughters.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:20 am

"She was told that she had to come as a biblical character"

Jezebel? Mary Magdalene? the Whore of Babylon?

[not suggesting that your grandbaby actually dress as those, btw]

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Compromise by dressing her up as a praying mantis.

SorosBot October 10, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Evangelicals, the Catholic Church already did this over a thousand years ago; you should be celebrating All Hallow's Eve, dressing up as your favorite saint, then go to church to have the All Saints' Day services, so as to un-reclaim the reclamation of Samhain.

Personally, as a kid who went to Catholic school, I always loved All Saint's Day because it meant we had off the day after Halloween.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Someone when I was a chillun, maybe Mad Magazine, suggested that November 2 was Some Saints' Day, and November 3 was A Few Saints' Day. I've carried that through life with me.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

"suggested that November 2 was Some Saints' Day"

iirc (i.e., too lazy to look it up on wiki), Nov. 1 was All Saints' Day, and Nov. 2 was All Souls' Day, as in the souls of the dearly departed/dead relatives.

Guppy06 October 10, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Meh, you should know by now that the Evangelicals hate the Catholics almost as much as they hate the Mormons.

berkeleyfarm October 10, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Joke's on them, as the Catholics (and other non-fundy Christians who celebrate it) should be having a good snicker about "reclaiming the holiday for Jeebus".

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 12:16 am

And they hate the Muslins just a bit more than they hate the Mormons. Ah, yes, the Christian heirarchy of hate.

Guppy06 October 11, 2011 at 1:44 am

I'm not entirely convinced they hate Muslims more than they hate non-Evangelical Christians. In fact, I think that if American Muslims were just a bit more vocal about hating on the gays, they'd all get along just fine.

I mean, the Jews killed Christ and the Talibangelicals are totes gay for the Israeli Orthodoxy.

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 2:28 am

In the heirarchy of hate, race and ethnicity and nation of origin do factor themselves into the equation. If it was ever about ideology, the Evangelicals and the Muslims (minus the Sufis) would be best friends.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 9:35 am

"Personally, as a kid who went to Catholic school, I always loved All Saint's Day because it meant we had off the day after Halloween."

Ugh! I hated All Saints' Day! We were Catholic, but went to public school, which means that on the day after Halloween, we had to go to church (ON A WEEKDAY!!), and THEN go to school! $>: – [

SorosBot October 11, 2011 at 10:02 am

Ouch, that sounds bad; we were not Catholic but went to Catholic school, so it was just a bonus day off after the binge.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 10, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Hand out condoms and Baby Ruths.

You can't miss.
~

DahBoner October 10, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Almond Joy.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 8:35 pm

♫ Sometimes you feel like a slut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don't." ♫

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:02 pm

So, like male and female Hershey bars?*

*For those who have never heard this, Hershey bars with almonds are male (because they have nuts), and regular Hershey bars are female (no nuts); ya get it, hengh?

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

"Hand out condoms and Baby Ruths.

You can't miss."

So, wait…
Are you saying condoms and Baby Ruths together, as in the condoms should go ON the Baby Ruths?
Cause, I'm not sure where you're going with that, but it sounds kinda weird.

flamingpdog October 12, 2011 at 1:28 am

Using condoms can prevent Baby Ruths.

gullywompr October 10, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Jesus Costumed Christ, are you fucking kidding me?

glamourdammerung October 10, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Boognish is pleased.

not that Dewey October 10, 2011 at 8:34 pm

It just ain't Ween without some Scotchguard bongs.

snackypants October 10, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I would have been so pissed to find a mini-bible in my Halloween bag when I was a wee one.

gullywompr October 10, 2011 at 7:20 pm

The Big Bible Backfire of 2011.

poncho_pilot October 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm

i would have taken a wee-wee on it. with my ween.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:31 am

Be careful!
In rare instances, the jeebus can travel up the stream and cause a urinary tract infection.

poncho_pilot October 12, 2011 at 12:48 am

so something like a cross between a salmon and a Ceti eel larva? except it enters through a different head?

tessiee October 12, 2011 at 10:06 am

I was thinking more like peeing on the third rail*

*for those who were/are not city kids, the third rail of the subway is electrified. Every so often a drunk or homeless guy pees on it, and (sorry guys) the charge really can travel back up the stream of urine. People have actually been electrocuted.

SayItWithWookies October 10, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Very convenient of them to hand out bibles on a night where it's popular to light bonfires.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:59 pm

They're not exactly known for thinking ahead.

berkeleyfarm October 10, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Probably not a real Bible, even. Probably some of those tracts.

GhostBuggy October 11, 2011 at 12:04 am

If I were any of these people, I'd also be getting my scrape-eggs-off-the-house tools ready.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:05 pm

True story: One year, my cousin overheard the bad boys planning to egg her house. After dark, her father hid in the bushes with a dozen raw eggs.

First bad boy: What the HELL?
Second bad boy: THEY'RE COMIN' BACK!!

succalina October 11, 2011 at 10:49 am

I would shank anyone who gives me a bible and not The Koran. Allah be praised.

MiniMencken October 10, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Well, as this insane gay Columbian radiology tech once explained to me around 1982, "Jesus had a big ween, because he was a perfect man." Who knew then that poor, crazy Rudolfo was a secret Bhoddisatva and prophet?

SayItWithWookies October 10, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Of course he had a big ween — why I heard (holds arms in form of a cross) he was hung like this.

HistoriCat October 10, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Oh man, that's awful. Funny as anything but baaad.

poncho_pilot October 12, 2011 at 12:52 am

he did have conveniently located wrist holes.

Blueb4sunrise October 10, 2011 at 7:15 pm

What we have here is WeenGate!!

Nostrildamus October 11, 2011 at 2:11 am

ouch!

Sue4466 October 10, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Why shouldn't the Christians co-opt the Pagan Hallowe'en, it worked out so well for them when they stole Yule by making it all about presents.

SorosBot October 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Or, you know, when they stole Samhain by making it all about celebrating the dead, and then candy.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:37 am

And, and?
And slutty costumes; let's not forget the sluttage!

Pres.Libunatic October 10, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Sol Invictus, also.

gullywompr October 10, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Ween? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

DahBoner October 10, 2011 at 7:42 pm

An 80's band?

donner_froh October 10, 2011 at 7:18 pm

These closeted, repressed bigots should just give up the pretense and talk about what they really desire: the Jesus penis.

poncho_pilot October 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm

“Sandra” – Halloween scares me. Usually i curl up into a ball and hide under my dining room table, cover my ears, and pray at the top of my lungs while listening to Carmina Burana until the children/voices go away. This year I might go outside.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Unless Momma locks me in the prayer closet and forces me to say "Eve was weak" again this year.

WhatTheHeck October 10, 2011 at 7:19 pm

So these christian folks want to step on Balzeebub’s toes by handing out candy for god on the day of the dead. Well, let me tell you, the Devil ain’t gonna take this lying down. He’s going to make sure his Wall street bankers get bigger bonuses come Christmas time.

SheriffRoscoe October 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Jesus Ween. You're all just jealous you didn't think of it first.

DahBoner October 10, 2011 at 7:41 pm

It's not who's first with the creative patent, it's who's biggest in the merch.

gullywompr October 10, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Us lefties gotta catch up! I'm off to Border's to stock up on kitchen-table abortion manuals!

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Too Late! But you could have gotten a couple of copies of "D&C for Dummies" for 50% off. Sadly they were all gone long before the really super discounts were offered. At that point the pickin's were just Sarah Palin's books and other wingnut "nonfiction" and "Programming in Fortran" manuals, at 90% off.

finallyhappy October 10, 2011 at 9:09 pm

I got copies of Zombie Love songs for $.25 on the last day. No one was buying Snowbilly's book- it was there along with Pistol's

mumbly_joe October 10, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Actually, this is great news- it means that now, kids can spot the stingy houses by the white shirts the Jesusweeners are going to be wearing. In past years, it was impossible to tell which houses to avoid, until you were Box-of-Raisins'd-by-Surprise.

mumbly_joe October 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

I'm not sure I have a firm handle on Jesusween, and what it's capable of. How big do we think Jesusween is going to get?

gullywompr October 10, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Probably not that big before it fizzes out.

mumbly_joe October 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm

So, you're saying that Jesusween isn't going to build nearly as much excitement as we need, to get some a sustainable movement going, before the the whole Jesusween thing just completely blows up way too early, and leaves us all disappointed and unsatisfied?

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm

My sources suggest Jesusween will be bigger in the African-American community than in the Anglo-American community.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

But the real monster hit will come when they unveil KwanJesus.

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 12:17 am

ROTFLMAO!

This is why I keep coming back to these Wonkettes.

gullywompr October 10, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Well, this is Jesusween's first time, so don't expect much. After that, I don't think most of us will be anticipating Jesusween coming again next year.

Cash4HoboBeans October 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

JesusWeener– noun. One who celebrates JesusWeen

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Do these people, like, have any idea of what words mean? I mean, we just got through a huge made-up scandal about somebody who had a name that sounded like "Ween" who texted photos of his "ween" to people. So, uh, you know, like, "ween" is something you don't show to the kiddies, not even Jesus' ween, don't they get this?

First teabaggin' and now weenin'. The stupid writes itself.

Chet Kincaid October 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm

How can you have a Culture War if one side keeps shooting itself in the ween?

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 9:03 pm

At the rate they're going, they already shot off whatever they were using for one. No wonder they're all full of teh h8.

RadioOcupados October 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I think two Frank Zappa quotes fit here.

My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can”

I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?

Srsly, these Jeebustards are scarier than any Halloween character.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm

The world needs Zappa more than ever.
Zombie Zappa for President.

CommieLibunatic October 10, 2011 at 7:27 pm

RE: "Barnes"

*in his best Samuel L Jackson voice*

PUNCTUATION, MUTHAFUCKA!! DO YOU KNOW IT?!

donner_froh October 10, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Hell with it–I will just hand out chocolate Ex-Lax and popcorn balls with razor blades inside like I always do.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Um … could we have your address, so we'll, you know, know where to stay away from?

RedneckMuslin October 10, 2011 at 7:29 pm

This could work. Nail a bloody Jesus on a cross in your yard. Sure to please the kids.

Hope the neighbor girl wears that sexy Mary of Magdelene costume.

You know, with a short dress and some cleavage, Jesus' mom's a hotty. The whore.

Chet Kincaid October 10, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Don't get the two (actually, three) Marys confused. Big Momma wanted to scratch that whore's eyes out.

SorosBot October 10, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Jesus had a rather literal Madonna/whore complex.

Chet Kincaid October 10, 2011 at 7:39 pm

And then there were Mary and Martha, always elbowing each other out of the way to wash his feet or serve him some more hummus.

DahBoner October 10, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Well, his Daddy screwed his Mommy. But wait!

Wasn't Jesus and Daddy the same person?

So, basically Jesus screwed his mummy…

gullywompr October 10, 2011 at 8:34 pm

As long as you hit that wire with the connecting hook at precisely 88mph the instant the lightning strikes the tower… everything will be fine.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:13 pm

So did Madonna.

HistoriCat October 10, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Are you implying mama Mary was ugly? God does not need to use a paper bag when he's humping a chick.

DahBoner October 10, 2011 at 7:39 pm

"…with a short dress and some cleavage. The whore."

When were you in New Mexico for fiesta?

Barrelhse October 11, 2011 at 9:11 am

Nothing like a wimple job, I always say.

BlueStateLibel October 10, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Halloween is the last non-religious holiday left that kids can use to exhort candy, and these assholes want to ruin it – I am ashamed to be an American today!

poncho_pilot October 10, 2011 at 7:31 pm

“Barnes” – All the animals come out at night – whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.

schvitzatura October 11, 2011 at 3:57 am

The American Gospel according to Bill B.

Hallelujah?

poncho_pilot October 12, 2011 at 12:36 am

or The Gospel According to Bill O'Reilly. Halleluffa?

tessiee October 12, 2011 at 9:44 am

Priest: So goeth the word of Travis Bickle.
Congregation: Art thou speaking unto me, O Lord?

emmelemm October 10, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Secret Halloween proselytizing! Not a new idea!

Remove the wrappers from your candy bars, write Jesus messages on the back, reattach wrappers. This avoids heathen parents seeing said Jesus messages and throwing out Jesus candy before it can reach the impressionable little ones.

KeepFnThatChicken October 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm

"Hear the good news: CHRIST DIED."

Christians really scare me.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 8:35 pm

But he got better.

bebecca2298 October 11, 2011 at 9:22 am

yeah, some sacrifice, right? And then he has been revered for the ages.

GhostBuggy October 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

You left out the best part: "CHRIST DIED, BECAUSE YOU'RE A NASTY LITTLE CHILD. YOU WERE BORN THAT WAY, SO THEY HAD TO NAIL HIM UP ON A PLANK."

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 12:22 am

Everytime you touch yourself, it's like nailing Jesus back to the cross.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I think I see a problem right away. I remember the little Gideon Bibles we got in school every year from two geezerific guys in suits. [I attended school in a strange, exotic country in which bible distribution and even the occasional organized prayer were allowed in public schools. And the government supported a parallel religious school system too. Hate to break it to you, any religious wingnuts who may be reading, but that didn't keep the country from turning into a socialist, capitol punishment barring, abortion allowing, testament to everything you hate.] By grade 8 I had a whole drawer full of 'em. I don't know why I kept so many – probably because every time I read one, I was so astonished by what I read, that I figured I needed a new copy to replace the obviously defective one I had been given.

But the problem with these tiny bibles, for the hellfire-invokers, is that they only have the New Testament and Psalms. Apart from Revelation, and some of the letters St. Paul obviously wrote while nursing a monstrous tequila hangover, it's all loving – God stuff. The Rich man : getting into heaven = Camel : passing through eye of needle, Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are the peacemakers, all that. No Old Testament. Which means no smiting. No calling everything you don't like an abomination. No kids eaten by bears for taunting a prophet's baldness.

Be warned, Jesusweenies: They might actually start following Christ's teachings if you hand out these.

schvitzatura October 11, 2011 at 3:59 am

I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and I could viddy myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchocking and the nailing in, being dressed in the height of Roman fashion. I didn't so much like the latter part of the book, which is more like all preachy talking than fighting and the old in-out. I liked the parts where these old yahoodies tolchock each other and then drink their Hebrew vino, and getting onto the bed with their wives' handmaidens. That kept me going.

SheriffRoscoe October 10, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Zombie Jesus approves.

JackObin October 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Where the hell is jesus hiding, in the great pumpkin patch? Please, dear jesus, let'
s hear from you instead of your less-than-holy followers. An appearance on Fox News with the Little Palin girl would be a nice touch.

Blueb4sunrise October 10, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I think Jesus has a gig at Salon now.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 8:45 pm

It would just ruin Piper's vacation.

tessiee October 12, 2011 at 9:46 am

She's used to it.

BklynIlluminati October 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

So glad that so many are ready to sacrifice their houses to be bombed with toilet paper and eggs. Onward Christian dorks!

poncho_pilot October 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

so…? does that mean i should or shouldn't hand out packages of rat poison that actually contain candy?

DahBoner October 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

For Jesusween, I presume, you would go up to a blind person and rub dirt in their eyes and yell "You're healed!.

Then you run…

SorosBot October 10, 2011 at 7:51 pm

You'd go around healing the lepers and depriving them of their means of livelihood? Bastard!

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 12:26 am

First you have to spit in it.

Barb October 10, 2011 at 7:38 pm

NO WAY! Christine hates religion. Her response to the teacher was "every girl there would have to be either Mary or Jeezabel" Christine doesn't know there are other chicks in the bible. She sends Ainsley to the preschool that her husband's work pays for and they don't allow Halloween.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Send her to preschool in a Bathsheeba costume. Super cheap and easy to make.

Chet Kincaid October 11, 2011 at 12:21 am

Nice painting, but shouldn't King David be watching from a roof in the background, clutching his, er, sword?

HistoriCat October 10, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I like pdog's Bathsheeba suggestion but if they have a problem with sex, there's always the American classic – violence, a la Jael or Judith

KeepFnThatChicken October 10, 2011 at 7:38 pm

WERE FUCKING "HARVEST FESTIVALS" NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

Or are you just a bunch of brand whores?

Kat_man October 10, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Aw yes, the satisfying "thud" as the small black box drops into your bag. You run back down to the street and anxiously root around to find the treat and it's a mini-bible. Enough to make a kid cuss.

SorosBot October 10, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Hey, a kid could a bible entertaining as long as they keep to the good stuff; the incest, the genocide, the gory punishments sent to innocent populations by a monstrous omnipotent being, and just tons of graphic violence and sex (tell them to chuck out Song of Solomon for some real hardcore shit). There's just lots of boring shit there too.

glamourdammerung October 10, 2011 at 7:40 pm

I thought most of these types were actually prohibited from giving out candy or answering the door on Halloween due to "big government" for years now.

SheriffRoscoe October 10, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Now that wonkette has linked to JesusWeen dot com, how long will unmoderated testimonials be allowed?

poncho_pilot October 10, 2011 at 7:51 pm

#11 My Ween is Bursting — TruckNutz
"Everyday is JesusWeen at my house."

i know that was for sure a Wonketeer.

GhostBuggy October 11, 2011 at 12:12 am

I'm still not positive "John" quoted in the Wonkette piece isn't one us.

poncho_pilot October 12, 2011 at 12:42 am

not long apparently. they've removed that link on their site.

poncho_pilot October 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

there's a really old segment from the Daily Show where Colbert goes to a Hell House (that's how old). and it's priceless. unfortunately, i have not been able to find this clip. have any of you seen this/know where i can find it?

LetUsBray October 11, 2011 at 12:33 am

Supposedly everything they've done is on The Daily Show's site. Sifting through it all would be the trick, though.

poncho_pilot October 12, 2011 at 12:36 am

i did search a few times…no luck.

Chet Kincaid October 10, 2011 at 7:45 pm

What is the response to this encroachment from the original flying spaghetti monster – The Great Pumpkin?

mumbly_joe October 10, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Their first idea was to put the Holy back in Halloween, but then they realized that Hallowholy" sounds kinda weird.

(alternate comment ending: Unlike Jesusween, which doesn't sound amusing or unusual at all.)

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Like that stopped the idiots from answering the phone with "Heaven-o!" Tell me THAT doesn't sound weird.

coolhandnuke October 10, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Pretty sure it was Jesus Ween who was the mastermind behind pissing in the Corona beer bottles back in the eighties.

Indiepalin October 10, 2011 at 7:58 pm

I still plan on dressing up as Killer Cantaloupe.

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 8:19 pm

I know we canteloupe
But honeydew be mine …

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Now I'm feeling meloncholy.

Neoyorquino October 10, 2011 at 8:01 pm

The only religious outcome from this will be the righteous egging and toilet-papering of these 'weeners'.

Ohforcripessake October 10, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Interesting how Kortney was strategically placed right next to the JesusWeen article. Kinda makes ya think don't it?

mavenmaven October 10, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Personally, bloody Jesus with the head wounds and the bleeding hands, and throw in some Mel Gibson for fun, and you've got the scariest costume on the block, with or with the ween.

rahelio October 10, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Sigh. I was raised in a home where my grandmother – who practically lived with us – believed celebrating Halloween was a satanic ritual and forbade me from ever doing it. For the first 16 years of my life, I had to settle for the candy sale and all my friends re-living the magic of the previous night.

Thankfully, Halloween is more than enough fun when you're an adult. But as a warning to these frigid christian assholes who can't let their kids whore themselves out for a bite sized Snickers, I still resent my grandma for that shit.

mumbly_joe October 10, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Yeah, well, my Halloweens growing up were no picnic either. Our mother let us celebrate it, but she was a dentist. Which meant, she would only let us keep some of our candy, and make us store the rest for later. And, because she was a dentist, she would totally sneak in and take away candy and throw it away, so that we wouldn't be able to eat it all and let it rot our teeth. I figured this out because even when we wouldn't eat any candy, the candy stores would gradually get smaller and smaller as time went on…

Hold on. I think I just figured something else out.

Antispandex October 10, 2011 at 8:05 pm

…but, but I thought Halloween IS a Christian holiday. All Hallows Eve? No? Crap! I always get this stuff wrong.

4TheTurnstiles October 10, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I always liked GodWeenSatan better than JesusWeen, but The Pod is much browner than either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-k4lBVgwDE

Pres.Libunatic October 10, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Needz moar Jesus Juice.

Shellwith2Ls October 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm

The Catholic school that I went to in the 70's did Halloween in a big way. Candy, costumes, old school horror movies. Oh, wait the Catholic Church is run by Satan…nevermind! JesusWeen to the rescue!

I can't stand these people.

Comrade Wingtard October 10, 2011 at 8:25 pm

This Jebusween, I'm going to saunter through my front door frame – which will be dripping in lamb's blood – with every ring of the doorbell, passing out copies of either "The Leviathan," "Mein Kampf" or possibly the bible if I can get a few copies somewhere for free.

It beats barking orders to the kids via the intercom, which is what I usually do.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 8:54 pm

"Harry Potter" books should do the trick (or treat).

Monsieur_Grumpe October 10, 2011 at 8:47 pm

If I hear about any house handing out bibles for Halloween I'm placing a big bowl of eggs at the end of their driveway after spraypainting a large target on the house.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Make sure you leave them unrefrigerated in the sun for several days beforehand.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 10, 2011 at 9:06 pm

I like your thinking. Thanks.

PuglyDoRight October 10, 2011 at 8:48 pm

I'm going to hand out Planned Parenthood literature.

Chichikovovich October 10, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Don't forget copies of Dan Savage's guidebook for young teens: "Coming out to Your Christian Family"

El Pinche October 10, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Hey, I'm going as "Clothes Hanger Baby" this year so it kinda works out for me.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:21 pm

How does Prommie feel about that?

hognose47 October 10, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Was that Michelle Obama giving old books instead of candy ?
We need big government out of our early-onset diabetes and I mean it.

Warpde October 10, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Go for it Jesusween's.
After the last market crash I can use a boost in Egg futures.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 10, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I love Halloween. My porch is outfitted with 2 fog machines, speakers with scary music, well placed red and blue lighting, bushes that shake, glowing eyes, skulls, bones and plenty of fake cobwebs. I once had a parent come up to the porch and said that her kid was really scared by all the crap and she had a hard time getting her up to the door.
Being a little embarrassed I told the mother that maybe I should tone it down a little. Her immediate and definite response was “No! This is great!”. This year I'm handing out homebrew for the cool parents. Moral of this story is fuck em if they can't take a joke.

El Pinche October 10, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Amen. My front yard looks like Vlad the Impaler's front yard complete with skulls impaled on sticks and about 10 graves with scary sounds ,etc. Jesusweiner or whatever, if you make it to the door , you'll get the good brand candy.

emmelemm October 11, 2011 at 3:46 am

I have a friend who has a life-size mannequin/doll/replica of Michael Myers that she puts out in the yard every Halloween. It's not commercially made; it was made by one of her friends in art school and it looks abso-smurfing-lutely like the real deal.

Her anniversary is actually Halloween, and she and her husband go all out at the house.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:22 pm

I love Halloween, too. Candy whether or not I'm in a relationship, and the cobwebs in my house can pass for decor.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 10, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I'm in (I see y'all up there ;):

#24 Minister of Optimism — I.F.Thunder 2011-10-11 00:58
This is a Blessed Idea!

How far better it is to hand out empty doctrine to rot kids' brains rather than tasty candy which would result in costly trips to the dentist.
~

Monsieur_Grumpe October 10, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I see that the web site has bee thoroughly defaced. Well done Wonketteers!

Beanball October 10, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Holy suffering succotash, Batman.

Don't these idiots know that All Hallows Eve is the Celtic holiday of Samhain, which is a day for the marking the end of Autumn as well a day reserved for honoring our deceased ancestors, hence it's alternate name, the Day of the Dead? It's not even particularly religious.

It has absolutely zero to do with Christians or Christianity, and Jesus was on the other side of the freaking planet – not to mention the calendar – when this holiday was invented.

What a bunch of maroons.

Pat_Pending October 10, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Where do we all weigh in on Dia de los Muertos? Tear my sugar skull out of my cold, dead… oh, wait.

Chet Kincaid October 11, 2011 at 9:54 am

Yes, they know this, and that's why they don't believe Christians should be celebrating it.

notreelyhelping October 11, 2011 at 11:56 am

Not to get serious, but actually visiting a Mexican cemetery during the Day of the Dead is such an intense, genuinely spiritual experience that it would scare the hell out of these people. So to speak.

berkeleyfarm October 11, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Well, it already did get co-opted by Christians, many many centuries ago, in the syncretic tradition of the early Catholic Church. Still a High Holy Day on the calendars of those who pay attention. Nov. 1 or 2 usually finds me in church at a smells-and-bells Requiem for All Souls (aka "Day of the Dead"). "All Saints" (f.k.a. All Hallows, All Holy Ones) has, where I sit, usually been shifted to the first Sunday in November.

But the fundigelicals don't pay much attention to Other Christians, including centuries of church history.

Pat_Pending October 10, 2011 at 9:22 pm

JesusWEEN??? WHERE'S THE FUCKING APOSTROPHE?????

DAMN IT, that shit pisses me off…

owhatever October 10, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Straight swap: Jesusween for Devilmas.

MilwaukeeKent October 10, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Have your child try to turn the neighbor kids into goats — worked for JC — if they won't convert that is. The whole idea is a great way to summon eggs and toilet paper to your house later that night.

jean-philippe October 10, 2011 at 10:27 pm

The toilet paper industry must be so grateful.

BarackMyWorld October 10, 2011 at 10:49 pm

When the fundamentalist church I was forced to go to in my youth tried this shit, they at least had the good sense to base their name for it on the phonetic similarities between "Halloween" and "Hallelujah."

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 12:35 am

I went to a religious school through primary school, but it was non-denominational. It had the effect that the people running the school could never agree on a lot of cultural issues, so very little was ever codified into the rules. It meant that very few cultural events were ever sponsored by the school, but it also meant that very few things were banned. Kids used to come to class dressed up for Halloween.

My experience growing up with these kids opened my eyes to the fact that they were some of the most boozy, debauched families I'd ever seen, just like everyone else, except that they put on a facade for the weekdays. I remember drugs becoming a problem as early as middle school.

Negropolis October 10, 2011 at 11:23 pm

“John” – My kids just asked me if I knew what a ween was, and we are born again.

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Someone call CPS, stat.

user-of-owls October 10, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Damn! Some wack foreign dude posted over there. Yousser something or other. Wait…
ah, "Yousser F Owels." Ha, what a stupid name…they'll let anyone on over there. LOL!

jqheywood October 11, 2011 at 12:02 am

We say S'na-rk ma Jesus and fihgt to the W'aan Ke-Tte. your in love and peace

You TOTALLY rock, dude! S'na-rk ma to you….

user-of-owls October 11, 2011 at 9:48 am

It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

See what I did there?

el_chupacabra October 10, 2011 at 11:52 pm

oh just squelch my weasel why don'tcha?

HistoriCat October 10, 2011 at 11:56 pm

We could always kick it old school and go back to the most popular Halloween activity prior to wide-scale candy giving … but some people just get so bent out of shape over a little arson.

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 12:26 am

I think when the kids come to your door and they hand you a Bible, they should shout to be given Barabbas. Okay, am I going to hell for that?

flamingpdog October 11, 2011 at 1:23 am

Probably, but they won't let you stay for long. They still don't like "your kind" down in Texas.

poncho_pilot October 11, 2011 at 9:05 pm

if you are then so am i because i laughed hard at this, and my name of course. good thing i don't believe in hell.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Welease Bwian!

Nostrildamus October 11, 2011 at 1:39 am

Ummm, searching Google images for "Jesus ween" reveals some rather family-unfriendly images…

Negropolis October 11, 2011 at 2:26 am

Googling is of the devil, and makes the Baby Jesus cry.

Nostrildamus October 11, 2011 at 2:14 am

Maybe this is just a new name for the Feast of the Circumcision?

berkeleyfarm October 11, 2011 at 10:54 pm

ha ha ha ha.

Yeah I know when the Feast of the Briss really is. (New Year's Day). But that was funny.

LiveToServeYa October 11, 2011 at 7:00 am

Charlie Sheen 'likes' Jesus Ween.

Barrelhse October 11, 2011 at 9:10 am

Would Necco Wafers and grape juice be appropriate?

Now when I was young, if anyone had the lack of sense to give out Bibles instead of candy those Bibles would have been hurled through the donor's picture window. Just sayin'.

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 9:33 am

I didn't think it was possible to have a worse treat than the miniature toothbrushes that my dentist gave out on Halloween, but miniature bibles? That woman is begging for the TPing of her *life*!

SorosBot October 11, 2011 at 10:03 am

Well, they've purged the testimonials, and gotten rid of the thumbs up / down now; our work is lost, but was fun.

Doktor Zoom October 11, 2011 at 10:18 am

HAR!!! They didn't read very carefully, so this one by our own Monsieur Grumpe is still up: What great idea! I'm working on the bibles that I'll be handing out to the unsuspecting little goblins. When they open up their good books the be treated to a 98 decibel scream and spurting blood. Of course they'll be some candy inside because not giving out candy on Halloween would just be wrong.

They saw "I'll be handing out bibles"and stopped reading! Epic win ween for M. Grumpe.

berkeleyfarm October 11, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Excellent work, operatives!

tessiee October 11, 2011 at 10:10 am

*sits attentively with hands folded*

Tell us again how there's a war on Christmas?

ttommyunger October 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

Oh no you don't Kirsten! It's only 10:30 in the morning here and I'm not going over my daily fucktard limit this early: no way I'm watching this video. I would be up for plowing this spokesgal's Pumpkin Patch for an hour or so, just for Jeebus, of course.

BornInATrailer October 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

This holiday screams for a Jesus on the cross/Snickers "Not going anywhere for awhile?" ad.

Schmegeg October 11, 2011 at 11:22 am

Post a handy guide on "How to Clean Eggs off your House" for all Jesus Ween celebrants.

WordSaladNation October 11, 2011 at 11:48 am

I want Ween to write a song about this.

notreelyhelping October 11, 2011 at 11:50 am

Leave it to these people to try spoiling the only three religious holidays worth observing: Halloween, Mardi Gras, and April Fool's Day.

Nostrildamus October 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

We'll always have Walpurgisnacht.

Tommy1733 October 11, 2011 at 12:26 pm

A better idea would have been to promote All Saint's Day, which immediately follows All Hallow's Eve, and which is why we have All Hallow's eve in the first place – it is supposed to be a two-parter, kind of like how Mardi Gras is precursor to ash Wednesday. All these social rituals actually are intended to serve a useful purpose, and they really do kind of acknowledge humanity's need to let it all out on one day prior to getting down to business the next. It has been said many times but these so-called Christians in today's America just completely miss the point so often; they are a global embarrassment.

sezme October 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Just want to thank you. I am glad to see christans that don’t celebrate halloween so many do and think i am harsh or weird because i will not allow my son to dress up for this devils holiday am glad to see church’s giving the kids another option for that day THANK YOU

Funny 'cause that's how a lot of us non-christians feel about Christmas. Also, you spelled "christian" wrong, ween-er.

flamingpdog October 10, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Ah, now I see it. I guess the internetz fixed itself. I haz twin grandkiddos, almost 4 years old now.

nounverb911 October 10, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Wait! Weren't there ladybugs on Noah's Ark?

PalinzADummy October 10, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I'm not sure I wanna be arguing the fine points of theology with Biely, seeing as how he has a warm temperament and is given to rather … enduring solutions.

Doktor Zoom October 11, 2011 at 10:19 am

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
And the Catholics hate the Protestants,
And the Hindus hate the Muslims,
And everybody hates the Jews.

Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week"

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