Our FLOTUS had her fun last week, when she went for a casual walk through a Target store even though she wasn’t fooling anyone. Now she is back to her normal business, which means she is hanging out with her BFF Rahm Emanuel, shouting curse words at the fat children of Chicago’s food deserts. But between that and settling violent disputes between Sasha and Malia over who gets “Scott,” the Secret Service guy who probably most resembles Justin Bieber, our Michelle still finds time for the little things, like trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Getting in the Guinness Book of World Records is, at some point, every child’s dream. So of course, our FLOTUS has come up with a plan to manipulate the brains of obese children, to make them believe that they could really set a world record, by exercising, and not by making the world’s biggest donut.
First Lady Michelle Obama is not, sadly, attempting a jumping jack world record by herself. But she’s doing the next best thing.
She helping to win the Guinness World Record title for “most people doing jumping jacks in a 24-hour period.” Hundreds of Washington, D.C., schoolchildren will gather with her and do jumping jacks for a minute Tuesday on the South Lawn. (NewsFeed recommends that they blare House of Pain’s “Jump Around” as a soundtrack. And we’ll be there to make the suggestion in person.)
Mrs. Obama is supporting National Geographic Kids, the organization leading the effort to get at least 20,000 doing jumping jacks. But it fits perfectly into her First Lady cause of fighting childhood obesity, notably through her “Let’s Move!” campaign.
Thank you for that creative soundtrack suggestion but considering her Beyonce video, we are fairly certain our FLOTUS can do better than that. [TIME]
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I'd rather be a cigarette-smoking leper with bad breath than be fat.
Hey, I have a great idea, you should go explain your position on this subject over at Jezebel. They are very open-minded over there, and you are likely to start a really good, civil discussion about how disgusting fat lazy slobs are.
Great idea, thanks! I was thinking of posting there, but couldn't make up my mind on which title to use: "Fat Chicks Suck" or "Fat Broads Suck."
What do you think?
"Pigs." That way you are neutral on the "broads" v. "chicks" thing.
Will you be tying this in with the "sluts" thing, too, how slutty, whore-ish fat pigs are even more disgusting?
Ok, how about: "Slutty Fat Smelly Pigs Suck And Are Cunts Too"?
Too subtle?
I'm 2/3 of the way there!
Here, have a smoke.
Why are lepers like paper cups?
They’re really not, come to think of it. Sorry for asking.
Something, something, writing desk.
Oh Owls, how shallow.
But I also hate cripples, left-handers, know-it-alls and squirrels. So, diversity, right?
p.s. I really, really hate squirrels.
HEYYYYY!!1!
I love squirrels. They are delicious with hobo beans.
Squirrel Girl will find you!
And considering that Squirrel Girl has managed to defeat the likes of Doctor Doom and even Thanos, making her one of the most powerful characters in the Marvel Universe, that's not something you want.
I think of that as "being catholic in one's hatreds." You know, all-embracing, and stuff.
Shallowls?
Shallow Owl?
Shalomowls?
Shamwowls.
I saw the best Owls of my generation destroyed by madness,
starving, hysterical…
Mom?
Eat your fucking peas!
And hand me those Lucky Strikes, fatso.
"I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin."
–Sara Silverman
Sniff yourself thin!
How the heck is that supposed to work? It smells so bad that you lose your appetite?
I know how it's supposed to work in the case of meth or coke, but this one has always puzzled me.
Yeah, well, it'd have to be pretty fucking rank to drown out the smell of CHEEZBRGRZ!
As a cigarette-smoking leper with bad breath, I can tell ya … nah, I'll stick with this, thanks.
What the fuck crawled up your ass? lol
Come on, Van Halen's Jump! is much better; as is the unrelated Pointer Sisters song of the same name.
I didn't realize the VH song was an encouragement for the hopeless to "go ahead and end it." Such a joyous melody, with such a tragic intent.
Reminds me of Dave Lee Roth being asked about exercising.
"I used to jog," he said, "but the ice kept coming out of my glass."
I love that man!
Pointer Sisters, mos def.
I'd join in, but whenever I do jumping jacks the people downstairs complain.
~
Are there really that many kids named Jack in D.C.?
DC schoolz are failing the kids, and the kids don't know Jack.
Ah-HA!! She's trying to shift the earth closer to the sun, thereby killing us all while she and Obama and their socialist children hide in a bunker!
Somehow, this has something to do with Solyndra, right?
No no, she is trying to defeat China by triggering earthquakes at the antipodes.
God dammit, you took part of my joke, and then gussied it up by saying "antipodes". Well played, sir.
HAARP Chemtrails 9/11 Jews did the Antipodes!!!!!!!!
When you think of all the things the Jews done did, you just gotta say, them's some hard-workin' li'l motherfuckers, ain't they?
Bah. She's obviously trying adjust the moment of inertia for the earth, causing it to rotate faster, and thus granting a socialist shorter work week without having to pay for it.
Obligatory XKCD
I find myself, more often than not, being an XKCD anti-fan, but that one in particular manages always to be so heartbreakingly, geekily, sweet that I'm willing to put that aside.
At least, until the next obtuse, unfunny over-explained,comic with too much text that snarks about social sciences or biology in an oversimplified manner that he mocks when other people do the same with physics or CS.
Agreed–it's much more miss than hit lately, but when he gets it right, he gets it quite right indeed.
In retrospect, maybe Cory Doctorow shouldn't have actually started wearing goggles and a cape. It just set a bad precedent.
Mmmmmm, obese children, tender, pale, well-marbled flesh, perfect for grilling! The thought is making my mouth water!
When they're young and tender, you can sear them in a hot skillet, no fat needed. Grilling might be a bit more than such delicate flesh can stand.
Jumpin Jack Flash, he suggested.
~
Hold it on Wall Street, and we can have a Jumping Jack Flash mob.
Are you suggesting that Michelle with two Ls should let a nip slip?
I was raised by two lesbians? Come on, Mick. Fuck a duck! Mick, Mick, Mick… Speak English!
A jumping-jack event in DC among the world's fattest?
Goodbye, Cathedral and Monument.
Do the Freddie?
Is that Marcus Bachmann's new slogan?
Wow, you must be a real oldie- like me
Also, not to be one-tracked about it, but did anyone mention where the Guinness would be served? I do love that stuff.
In my slutty days I think draught Guinness was responsible for the dropping of my knickers on several occasions.
You keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better.
You mean it may just have been my sluttishness and not the demon drink?
Didn’t you cover this topic in a previous post re: how you held your Liquor?
By the ears?
Your use of the past tense makes me wistful.
Me too.
Same family.
You know who else tried to raise a Fitness army???!
Richard Simmons?
~
Rush Limpblow?
Jane Fonda?
Hitler? (Sorry Palinz, you gotta be quicker on the draw.)
GodDAMNit.
I CAN'T HELP IT IF THE ANSWER REALLY IS "HITLER" THIS TIME
but I will ameliorate the pain with FUCK, THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS "HITLER", ISN'T IT?!
Well … yes, but I'M usually the one that gets to say that. (sulks)
Saruman?
That ringer-t guy from Fitness Gym (or whatever) used to raise my forces before Kortney moved into his banner space.
Jim Fixx?
HAHA, IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE HE DIED WHILE JOGGING.
Joan of Arc after visiting San Dimas, CA?
Charles Darwin?
The Society of Righteous and Harmonious Fists, aka the Boxers?
Yes, that was them. Ha!
Dumbledore?
Speaking of which, apparently, Krugman, also too.
Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Tony "P90X" Horton?
Hanz and Franz?
Jamie Lee Curtis?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtMXS3EcCus
Thanks, I needed that!
Well, not the disco music, but definitely the Jamie.
That wasn't disco, that was '80s synth-pop!
R. Lee Ermey?
Gauss?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Least_squares
The International Union of Epileptics?
I'm outraged. It's not the job of our Nanny-State Government to make sure our kids eat right. It's the job of our Nannies, Butlers and Chauffeurs.
The poors need jobs too! And if they don't press my pants faster, they'll be poor again.
Occupy the White House Lawn!!1!
Win.
Is everyone in gubmint today named "Scott"?
How do I just know that some tea party types are going to make jokes about her association with National Geographic?
That made me laugh. And cry a little at the same time.
She helping that much? Bah. She more interesting in last attempt at World Record when she grow longest beard of bees.
I almost didn't click on "the little things" linky there. Thought it might take me to a Republican Presidential primary candidate porn site.
Why is the Socialist First Lady always trying to manipulate children into believing collectivist Ideas like "Be Healthy"? I'll tell you why! She only Wants to control people's Lives! And she knows that Obamacare is such a Failed idea that no one will be able to afford their Diabeetus treatments when it takes over, so she wants children to not get diabeetus that Obamacare can't pay for!!!!!!!!
That's so crazy, it just might work.
When I hear things like what Doktor Zoom just said, my head feels light and my stomach floats away.
Hopefully your pancreas doesn't float away at the same time.
It's the kind of sensation where you think to yourself, "I wonder WTF my pancreas is," before you dissolve into nausea again.
What could be more terrifying than Michelle Obama leading an army of obese child soldiers; she says "jump," they say only "how high?"
They say, "You wish, lady."
Soon, those kids will be fit enough to enter the fast food industry as entry-level workers.
Chris Christie couldn't do that.
Chris Christie is an army of obese children.
Wasn't this already done as a horrible Doctor Who episode with the horrible Catherine Tate?
In the spirit of our Founding Fathers, Barack should have just bought two agents and named them both "Scott."
Front runner Republican Mitt Romney: What's his wife's cause? This is the question, as discontent ferments all over the land.
I thought discontent was creeping over the fruited plain.
Michelle's creating an army of obese children? You mean like the Tea Party?
Gosh! If enough people do this we could knock the Earth off its axis — and avoid that giant asteroid just ahead…
Seriously though, Wing Nut outrage in 3…2…1…over this latest nefarious plot by the First Lady to suggest kids get exercise and eat right.
I second that recommendation.
BTW, does this record still count if the First Lady in question is black?
Hmmm. Now, the FLOTUS doing jumping jacks would be worth seeing, especially topless. Ooooops, sorry , got to go, fap, fap, fap…..
Thin-skinned, hysterical fat smelly slut-pigs suck, and they are bitchy cunts.
How To Pick Up Chicks With Feminism: The Broads are So Into That Shit.
Owl! My bowls!
Owloch! Owloch! Robot apartments! invisible suburbs! skeleton treasuries! blind capitals! demonic industries! spectral nations! invincible mad houses! granite cocks! monstrous bombs!
(heh-heh… he said "cocks")
Owl-headed hipster.
starry dynamowl.
hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the schowlars of war.
A sour old joke from prewar Germany has two elderly Jews sitting in a Berlin park, with one of them reading a Yiddish paper and the other one scanning the pages of Der Stürmer. The latter Jew is laughing. This proves too much for the former Jew, who says: “It’s not enough you read that Nazi rag, but you find it funny?” “Look,” replies the other. “If I read your paper, what do I see? Jews deported, Jews assaulted, Jews insulted, Jewish property confiscated. But I read Der Stürmer, and there’s finally some good news. It seems that we Jews own and control the whole world!”
–Christopher Hitchens
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