churchill he is not

Ask Herman Cain a Foreign Policy Question And He’ll Respond In Tongues

Pizza shill vanity campaigner Herman Cain has inexplicably not yet exhausted his six seconds of GOP presidential field relevancy, so we must listen to him doing this thing… speaking in tongues here, in an interview, in a dark cave? “UBEKI BEKI BEKI BEKI BAH BAH STAN O BAN STAN SO WHUT WHUT,” he says. Hm, maybe it’s a sex magick spell, against Mitt Romney’s Moon Jesus? No, it’s some kind of teatard gibberish about how the country formerly called “Uzbekistan” is lame, because Herman Cain is a proudly illiterate fop when it comes to foreign policy issues and from now on anyone asking him Gotcha Questions™ (please make your twenty-three cent royalty check payable to Sarah Palin) about “the other countries on earth” will be harangued with a series of nonsense syllables for their trouble. 

Herman Cain will does not need real words to describe other places, because the fictional Uzblahnistan like the rest of the Not United States planet is a realm of elves:

“I’m ready for the ‘gotcha’ questions and they’re already starting to come. And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say you know, I don’t know. Do you know?

That is actually the opposite of being “ready” for a basic foreign policy “gotcha” question on a country that the United States would like to use for its military supply routes into Afghanarstupidlandia, but WHAT ABOUT THE JERBS:

And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job? I want to focus on the top priorities of this country. That’s what leaders do. They make sure that the nation is focused on the critical issues with critical solutions. Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. When I get ready to go visit that country I’ll know who it is but until then I want to focus on the big issues that we need to solve.”

YOU TELL EM. He’ll Wikipedia that shit when and only when he actually goes there, like the tourists do. LEEDUHRSHIP! [Think Progress]

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279 comments

    1. SorosBot

      Now that Palin is officially out of the Race, Cain seems to be making a move to be the official proudly ignorant candidate, and take the voters who want a giant dumbass for President.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Dumb is not knowing something.

      Stupid is not being able to know something.

      Ignorant is willingly not knowing something.

    3. NewtsChicknNeck

      No one, NO ONE, is more proudly ignorant than Rick Parry. Cs and Ds from A&M for god's sake!!!1!

      I'm a failed aggie!!1! DO YOU HEAR ME!?!?!1!!? A failed Aggie!!11!

      1. revmod

        "… but when I'm getting ready to make a policy decision I'll search Google News in advance on the topic, and I'll be ready."

    1. Tundra Grifter

      With Secretary of Defense Mountain Mike?

      [Sitting at a Round Table, and wearing a Straw Hat.]

  1. ifthethunderdontgetya

    UBEKI BEKI BEKI BEKI BAH BAH STAN O BAN STAN SO WHUT WHUT,” he says.

    You don't speak delivery pizzaese, Kirsten?

    That's, "Got it. One jumbo pizza with Italian Sausage, Onions, and Pepperoni, and a side of cheese sticks."

    P.S. From Godfather's website:

    Italian Monkey Bread: When baked together, these bite-size pieces of seasoned dough become a soft, chewy, and mouth-poppin' treat.
    ~

    1. OKthennext

      Re: that PS from Godfather's pizza…

      They baked a monkey in the bread?! That's disgusting. And shows no respect for Italian monkeys.

  2. GunToting[Redacted]

    I hear he also knows where bin Laden is, but won't disclose this unless his demands are met.

  3. OC_Surf_Serf

    Next up…Cain will demand the UN require countries to only have 9-letter names…

    United Sta UntdStats USAmerica

    USAUSAUSA!

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I, for one, am torn. What is funnier: "Upper Volta," or "Burkina Faso"?

        Either way, Herman Cain would have a field day with the name of the capital.

    1. LettucePrey

      Except that neither Cain nor the idiot questioner ever said "Uzbekistan." They both said "Yubekistan."

      That said, I think Burkina Faso, Vanuatu, Suriname, Djibouti, Zambia, and Liechtenstein could also compete in the Miss Dumb Name pagaent.

  4. SorosBot

    Someone who publicly makes fun of other country's names is exactly who we want in charge of diplomacy.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      As the rulers of several ancient cities on the silk road found out the hard way, making fun of central Asian countries you've never heard of went down really well with Mongolia in the 13th century (prop. G Khan & Hordes (that's "Hordes" with a capital H to you.))

    2. Gainsbourg69

      Have you heard him talk about how he wants to model our pension system on the one they have in Chi-Lay?

  5. prommie

    Herman Caine is the name but they call me the pizza man
    Ask me about foreign policy I say Uzbeck ubek ubekki bekki stan
    In the autumn of '11, we were unemployed, just barely alive
    By October the tenth, my poll numbers fell
    It's a time I remember, oh so well

    The night they drove my pizza down
    And the bells were ringing
    The night they drove my pizza down
    And the people were singing
    They went, "La, la, la, extra cheese and pepperoni"

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Ah yes, Kazakhstan for instance, one third the size of the whole US. Does that make it "small"?

        1. snackypants

          Just like if you're not rich or are unemployed, if you have intestinal pain after eating Godfathers pizza, it's your own fault.

  6. JoshuaNorton

    When he's elected president, he's vowed to immediately start peace negotiations with the the Ottoman Empire.

    1. prommie

      If he doesn't win the nomination and the election, he could always move to San Francisco and declare himself Emporer.

  7. DaSandman

    Well he doesn't understand and can't relate to anything he can't sprinkle spicy Italian sausage on.

    You want breadsticks with this Prizadent?

  8. Toomush_Infer

    "I don't have to know what those little speckled pieces and those other funny-looking things in the pizza are – the big issue is "Supersize this Pizza!"

          1. Doktor Zoom

            Honestly, without Flansburgh & Linnell, would anyone in US America know anything at all about James K Polk?

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Well, THAT was an experience I'll not soon forget. Big TMBG fan, and I've heard of the Residents…perhaps I should find more from those eyeoddballs.

          1. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

            Nice video, never saw it before! Thanks to@Indiepalin for reminding me about those guys. I had an obsession with them back in HS. They scared the crap out of me but I couldn't stop listening. The first few records have left an indelible impression on me.

    1. flamingpdog

      Better watch out, JN. Prommie up-page said the Hermanator will be after your jerb if he doesn't become Prezdint.

  9. Chillwaver

    "Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. "

    That's some serious Henry Kissinger shit right there.

    1. SilverTsunami

      I. . . wait, knowing the names of the countries adjacent to where we're fighitng a war is not critical to our national security? I'm very confused.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I'm Laotian! Laos! Laos! It's a landlocked country between Vietnam and Thailand!

          OK, I get that, but are ya Chinese, or are ya Japanese?

  10. RedneckMuslin

    Well, Herm, Uzbeck ubek ubekki bekki stan borders the country where our real war is and is an ally. Why do you hate the troops, Herman?

  11. Oblios_Cap

    Herman Cain just threw all of the Uzbeks and Stans right off the crazy train. He doesn't need their votes.

  12. jodyleek

    O/T but why is there a Monsanto ad at the top of my Wonkette screen? Mon-effing-santo? Jesus Christ on a farm implement, Ken! What gives?

    1. SexySmurf

      I have an ad for Shell Oil wanting to show me how they're working to improve energy efficiency. I'm guessing it somehow involves murdering Nigerians.

      1. jodyleek

        You must admit that the energy required to shuttle vast sums of dough from consumer's pockets to theirs has become more and more efficient.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Haha! Silly Google ads think I can afford a Porsche! Hell, I can't even afford Michael Walsh's hot new political thriller.

      Mostly because I bought all those cucumbers in the mistaken belief that Kortney would follow…

      1. SorosBot

        Google ads also seem to think I'm rich enough to have a stock portfolio. For several weeks, I've also kept getting divorce ads which would seem to be sending me a message, except I'm single.

          1. SorosBot

            I've got another ad now which begins, "If you have a $500,000 portfolio". Uh, I have a $10,000 checking account; is that close enough? I think the ad is just there to tease us.

        1. Limeylizzie

          SorosBot is single? Your'e so smart and funny , you should have been snapped up , maybe single by choice, that must be the answer.

          1. Limeylizzie

            Nonsense, MrLimeyLizzie is cripplingly shy and I just made him put the moves on me, fuck me and fall in love with me before he knew what was going on, you just need to find someone like me.

          2. flamingpdog

            Aw, Lizzie, that'd be impossible – you're one of a kind!

            (You didn't see this, Barb.)

            (And Sara, you don't even come around here anymore, anyway.)

          3. Limeylizzie

            Thanks flamingpdog, Barb and I have a deep love for each other we know we are kindred spirits.

    3. Guppy06

      Doesn't it make you a little moist to know that Monsanto is paying for us telling Monsanto to go fuck themselves?

    4. Jukesgrrl

      I'd just as soon Wonkette collect from creeps and criminals rather than progressives. Let the good guys donate their money to Elizabeth Warren or send food to the occupiers.

  13. schvitzatura

    Uzbekistan is now the world's sixth-largest producer and second-largest exporter of cotton,[38] as well as the seventh largest world producer of gold.

    Still:

    The use of child labour in Uzbekistan has led several companies, including Tesco,[42] C&A,[43] Marks & Spencer, Gap, and H&M, to boycott Uzbek cotton.

    Dollars to donuts, a Cain Americuh would have a bilateral trade agreement on cotton within hours of the ex-Godfadduh's Pizza CEO's inaug. With a student-exchange program to send former socialist-funded midnight hoops players over to Uzbek City to manual harvest cotton, just like in that Sally Field movie thingee Places in the Heart</i…>

  14. Doktor Zoom

    I've got a gotcha question for Mr. Cain: How does closing 20% of Godfather's Pizza outlets and firing 300-400 people make you a "job creator"? The raving commie liberals at Business Week suggest that the Fabulous Godfather's Turnaround is mostly a matter of Herman Cain self-promotion than anything else:

    Yet it's not at all clear that Cain's efforts made that much of a difference in Godfather's fortunes. He says the company was losing $8 million a year when he took over and turned a profit of $4 million two years later. You'll have to take his word for it. Cain, who declined to be interviewed, has not released details of the company's performance under his leadership. Publicly available figures show Godfather's sales fluctuated from about $225 million to about $275 million during his time there, sometimes rising, sometimes falling, never surging. Godfather's didn't go out of business; neither did it become a major combatant in the pizza wars, and Pillsbury sold Godfather's to Cain and a group of investors in 1988.

    In a November 1987 interview with Restaurant Business, Cain predicted Godfather's would "exceed 1,000" restaurants within three years and take on its larger rivals. It wasn't to be.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      A $4M profit on $250M in sales (average of $225M and $275M) is 1.6%. We'd have to see the Return on Assets (ROA) and Return on Equity (ROE) to make a final determination – but I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest a profit of less than 2% of sales isn't anything to brag about.

      In just about any business.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Facts, facts, why are you people always so caught up in facts?? Real Muricans only care about IMAGE. And what Fox and Friends tell them!!1!

  15. Dr_Zoidberg

    'Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going.'

    Wow, so not only is he ignorant he's proudly arrogant. If it's not 'Merica, it doesn't matter?

  16. hagajim

    So Herman….what are the critical issues facing the U.S., and how the fuck are you going to create more jerbs? I'll bet he'd have a hard time answering either of those questions in a rational way…fucking Kenyan mooslim.

    1. mrblifil

      "President has done a bad job creating jobs"

      "What could the President be doing?"

      "Nothing, it's not the President's job to create jobs. PSYCHE!!1!"

      Pizza, pizza…

  17. JoshuaNorton

    He says the company was losing $8 million a year when he took over and turned a profit of $4 million two years later.

    Now he's thinking of raising prices to $999,999.99 each.

    Hey, even if each store only sells one per year, you still make a profit.

  18. __kth__

    Surely knowing how to make a profit selling pizzas for $8 apeace trumps understanding other cultures and their issues.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Per my calculations (above) the company's profit on that $8 pizza would be just under $0.13.

      In other words, with any luck at all the driver's tip was twenty-five or thirty times the company's profit.

  19. x111e7thst

    Herman knows you don't need much information about a place to send death drones to kill all the wedding attendees. That's real foreign policy.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      It would probably be much cheaper to just send them a couple of those pizzas.

      No sausage or bacon, of course.

  20. SorosBot

    "And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job? I want to focus on the top priorities of this country. That’s what leaders do. They make sure that the nation is focused on the critical issues with critical solutions."

    Now that's one of the most concrete and clear campaign promises I've ever heard.

  21. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    Even if you believe having good business sense qualifies you to be president, I'm not sure that turning around the Philadelphia region of Burger King and presiding over a small chain of pizza shops really qualifies you.

    I mean, if he ran Godfather's so well, how come I haven't seen one in like 20 years? We may as well elect the CEO of Rax.

      1. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

        I was gonna say Ginos but was afraid the whippersnappers would have no idea what I was talking about.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Who is the CEO of Tilted Kilt? Not only do they have a stimulating, tacky business plan, but they sheltered the refugee Wisconsin legislators in one of their Illinois dens during the recent crisis.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Mister Donut is big in Japan.

        Among the pathetic three or four phrases I mastered during my 2 years in Nihon: "Hotto koohii, onegaishimasu."

        (Sumimasen! Nihongo dekimasen! [and much doofus-faced bowing])

        1. Generation[redacted]

          Mr Sparkle – anyone who can bring together a lightbulb company and fish slurry collective to make a most excellent happy cleaning product can surely run the free world!

    2. user-of-owls

      Wool wool woo worth worth worths.

      I'm not gonna learn who runs that lunch counter place until they don't let me sit at it.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      JZ: Your quote is missing the first word: "When."

      Sadly, we don't seem to have an "or not" option in our foreign policy.

  22. CapnFatback

    Come on everybody!
    I say now let's play a game
    I betcha I can make a mockery out of any country's name!

    Let's do Uzbekistan!
    Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan!

    And that's how we play the "the closest I got to understanding foreign cultures is when I ate Italian sausage on my crappy third-rate pizza" game!

    1. Limeylizzie

      That food looks so delicious, I may have to go to that section of Queens and have myself a feast and then I will tell my new Uzbeki friends all about Herman Cain.

      1. mavenmaven

        I grew up with it. Best food in the world (also known as Bucharian food). Wide range of spices, those pullavs, and boy, do they know how to grill up meat (I wish I didn't have to evoke these memories, I've been vegetarian for so many years and now you have me drooling…)

  23. CapnFatback

    To be fair, I believe Herman Cain might have been referring to that tiny Middle Eastern country populated entirely by four Rebeccas and two Stanleys.

  24. prommie

    Normally, one has to go to a dive bar and try to find a "faked disability" all-day drinker who has been there since 9 AM, you know, the typical denizens of a VFW bar, to hear foreign policy discussed at such levels of pugnacious, blind pig-ignorance.

    1. i_AM_ready

      Yes, exactly! The kind of person who pontificates about everything. And if anyone else speaks, they'll say something like, "No shit, Sherlock!" and think it's witty.

      I've noticed some of the personal trainers at my gym are like this. Talking constantly about huge issues–always in a loud voice with a know-it-all tone–as they push the old farts through their paces. You want to say, "If you're such an expert on world economics and finance, what are you doing working in this crummy gym?"

  25. Polythene_Pam

    Actually, focusing on only one issue, not understanding the overall complexity of the entire organization, is not what leaders do – it's what mid-level managers do.

  26. NorthStarSpanx

    He’ll Wikipedia that shit when and only when he actually goes there, like the tourists do.

    You mean he doesn't have his own Track or Bristol to Google this shit out for him to make him well-versed in the issues in order to render a knee-jerk/gutteral opinion and mandation?

  27. HistoriCat

    OK – we have a couple different issues here. Can he name the leader of Uzbekistan? Probably not – hell I would have to Google it myself. But I could pronounce the fucking name of the country and not sound like I took the short bus to school.

    "Can you name …" questions are for Trivial Pursuit. It's pretty lame and pointless. Foreign policy questions with some SUBSTANCE are another matter. But that would require journalists who can ask intelligent questions and understand intelligent answers. And the lazy ass pretty boys in "journalism" today can't be bothered to do that. Edward R. Murrow wouldn't let any of these losers make coffee for his people.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      I agree. Cain's just brazening his way through the fact that none of these fuckers really knows any of that shit until they have to, and the ones that look halfway intelligent have just been cramming since yesterday with their Human Wikis.

    2. SorosBot

      That's what gets me; sure, a presidential candidate shouldn't have to know the name of leader of every country, but I do expect them not to intentionally, mockingly mispronounce a country's name like a child. He could cause an international incident if he ever had to travel to Thailand and visit Bangkok or Phuket.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      No kidding–I wonder if he thinks that the role of Uzbekistan and other former Soviet republics in, oh, let's say, the supply line to and from Afghanistan is ALSO a trivial matter that can be ignored…until, maybe, somebody starts shooting RPGs at transport planes…

    4. mumbly_joe

      Well, right. Naming leaders here is obviously a straw man. BUT, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a presidential candidate to be aware of how to pronounce a country's name (and that mocking a name is always poor form), the general region it's located in, and, say, whether or not they're allies and whether there are major policy issues centered on them. Knowing that Anything-stan is probably a country that's relevant to the current longest-war-ever we're involved in over in central Asia is not exactly an unreasonable demand.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        MJ: Or, for example, they happen to have any of those old Soviet-era nukes in a poorly-guarded storage shed.

        President Bush (41, of course) and James Baker deserve tremendous credit for an intelligent start to securing real WMD.

  28. prommie

    And off-topic, but the market price for peanuts has risen from $400 a ton to over $1,100 a ton, due to the non-anthropomorphic global-warming-related weather this year (and probably some Goldman-Sachs commodities futures trading). As a result, the price of peanut butter will be skyrocketing, so nix your plans to live on PBJs through the depression. Its no kidding folks, stock up in the hobo beans now, before Goldman Sachs corners the futures market in those, too and jacks the price so high they will be beyond the reach of all but the wealthiest hobos..

    1. proudgrampa

      If you're going to invest in beans, look for something that can serve multiple purposes. I recommend refried beans (frijoles): not only are they good to eat, they can also be used as wallpaper paste, wood filler and spackle.

  29. Goonemeritus

    The average American doesn’t need to know who the President of Uzbekistan is, they got a guy for that. Oh yeah that would be the guy filling the seat you aspire to. We just went through 8 years of someone who didn’t know the difference between Kurds, Sunni and Shiites and well did that workout ….. Douchebag

    1. mumbly_joe

      This actually raises a good point. While it's true that the point of presidential advisors is to be experts on things, because running the country takes such a wide range of enormous expertise that almost nobody could do the job solo, it's also true that we just got finished seeing what happens whent he guy who picks those advisors -the President- can't find America on a map, because he's one of those many US Americans who doesn't own a map…

      It means he picks crappy advisors, because he doesn't know how to spot someone who knows what they're talking about, either, basically, and thus, nobody in the government knows the difference between Sunni and Shia Islam, even though that's covered in 9th-grade World History.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        "nobody in the government knows the difference between Sunni and Shia Islam, even though that's covered in 9th-grade World History."

        HAHAHAHAHA!! Where did you go to school?!

        1. mumbly_joe

          Err, any public school in New York State? World history and geography is split between 9th and 10th grades, per the Regents curriculum, and even with the excessive eurocentrism common to American history classes, there is a unit, or half a unit, on founding-thru-medieval Islam, and including the schism and which areas are predominantly Shia or Sunni today.

          I mean, I had already known this stuff for a good 3 years prior, being a genius, and I'm sure most kids forgot it all pretty promptly, but it's definitely what the expectation was for the curriculum.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            OK, but I will wager you that, even in New York, there are many schools where even the teachers have no idea what you are talking about.

            Forgive my low expectations, I'm a Chicagoan.

  30. baconzgood

    HEY HERMIE! I take offence at that because there is not "President" of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan. Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan has a Prime-Minister. I know this because I'm from Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan and the Prime-Minister is, well, me Baconzgood.

    Prime-Minister of The Sovereign State of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan,

    BaconZgood. ESQ.

  31. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    It's not like Founding Fathers such as Jefferson of Franklin had any knowledge of foreign lands, European countries, or where inspired by events from such wussy named places as Fren-Fren-Fren-Frence-y-France.

    BTW does anyone else think the rightwing is making the FFs seem stupider with each revision of what they did back when America was the Olive Garden of Eden?

  32. jus_wonderin

    "Gotcha Questions™ (please make your twenty-three cent royalty check payable to Sarah Palin)"

    GREED rears her hideous head, and her face is so freakishly revolting that EVIL remains seated for a hesitant second, unsure if even standing near GREED is advisable. SLOTH was fumbling with a knot in his shoe laces, again, so he didn't even notice.

  33. Ducksworthy

    That gubbermint by the ignorant, of the ignorant and for the ignorant shall not perish from the earth. Amen.

  34. mumbly_joe

    Shorter Herman Cain, "I don't need to know which countries are important to our foreign policy or even pronounce them correctly, because I'm running to be president of the jobs."

    Which is weird, because I heard somewhere, from somebody, that government can't create jobs. Has news of this not reached Herman Cain?

  35. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    You know what's funny? In Italy, where pizza was invented and may even be more widely available than it is here, there is no such thing as "pepperoni pizza." Nor do "deep dish" or "thick crust" pizzas exist. When Italians come here and are presented with, say, a Domino's Meat Lovers' pizza with cheese encysted in its rim, they say Questo non è autentico! Then they slam it down just like we do, cuz it's buono!

    But Cain is a total fraud, purveyor of fast food death by increments. Why in the world would that qualify him to be president?

  36. Chet Kincaid

    "I don't care who's starving or getting raped in Ooga-Booga-Lala-Kwanzaa. Unlike the President, I am a full-blooded American Black Man! I will learn about the country of Africa when they have a Linebacker in the Pro Bowl or a Center in the NBA Finals."

    And the crowd went wild.

  37. Generation[redacted]

    Remember when Sarah Palin took a phone call from the "President of France?"

    I can hear a thousand morning radio DJs warming up their acts.

  38. HedonismBot

    Of course, diplomatic relations go hand-in-glove with military issues, and managing the military is pretty much the one and only thing in the President's job description that he is able to do more-or-less unilaterally. In this above all else, the President can show his strength. Economic issues, however, are largely out of the President's hands (as we have seen lo these past couple years.)
    So, by all means, Herman, tell us how out of line we are to expect that the President of the United States of America have some knowlege of geopolitics.

  39. Pres.Libunatic

    Just remember that this guy made his name selling shitty pizza to <a href="http://maps.google.com/maps?q=godfather%27s+pizza+locations&hl=en&sll=39.164141,-92.06543&sspn=27.773787,67.631836&vpsrc=0&hq=godfather%27s+pizza&t=h&z=5">Appalachia and the Midwest. Florida also. And in typical Republican logic, a guy who cut jobs knows how to create jobs. Not that Hopey is much better these days since he put <a href="http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-obama-jobs-council-20111010,0,4213847.story">job cutters on his jobs panel.

    And they wonder why the Ocupados are so pissed off at the system.

        1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

          I promoted Halftrack to lieutenant general. Oddly enough that link didn't work either.

  40. Tundra Grifter

    Herman Cain had a prepared answer – he was just in search of the question. Ole Newt pulled the "gotcha question" answer during one of the debates.

    Go back and listen to Sen. John Kerry answer foreign policy questions during the Presidential candidate debates. There's a guy with some mad foreign country knowledge.

    1. Pres.Libunatic

      Kerry was smart and experienced. But that wasn't good enough for the Swifties because he wasn't John fucking Rambo during Vietnam, blowing up villages and shit. Remember the Purple Heart Band Aids they passed out?

      I guess de Tocqueville was right – we get the government we deserve.

  41. Chet Kincaid

    Unlike the black kids who mock good students because knowing stuff is "acting white," Cain mocks knowledge because, for his base, knowing stuff ISN'T acting white.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Have you heard John Hope Bryant speak? The "Silver Rights" gentleman? He says we've managed to make dumb sexy – and we need to make smart attractive.

      He is a genius.

  42. Doktor Zoom

    What worries me, a little, is that this is the sort of bullshit that could actually SELL. I am reminded of this observation by Sarah Jaffe

    In the person of Obama, cultural elitism and scary black men converge and provide the ultimate object of anger for the remnants of Nixonism, for that longstanding streak in U.S. politics that feels both insecure and convinced of the perfection of their country. The one that is sure that if it wasn’t for all those Others coming in to take what’s theirs, if it wasn’t for Government handing it off to people who don’t deserve it, America would be doing just fine, thanks.

    There’s an element of absurdity in this, like in the signs that people love to mock—“Keep the Government out of my Medicare!”—but that mockery just stokes the flames of resentment higher. It draws those lines stronger. We ARE laughing at them—again, they’re right about it. It’s not helping.

    (from her review of Rick Perlstein's Nixonland, which I highly recommend…both the review and Perstien's book, actually)

  43. Tundra Grifter

    Am I the only person offended by the name "Godfather's Pizza?" I think it's in remarkably poor taste to name a restaurant chain after a mobster. What is soooo cool about the Mafia, killers, Da Godfather, and all the rest?

    I'll admit – I just don't get it.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I never got that, either–Chicago has gangsters and pizza, but The Godfather, while full of great Italian food, didn't feature pizza, and Godfather's Pizza is decidedly not Chicago pizza, and…

      Shit, I just gave more thought to that question than Herman Cain has given to foreign policy.

    2. ProudLibunatic

      Yes, isn't it charming?
      I'm sure Italian-Americans just LOVE the stereo-typing!
      (I could come up with other ethnic/food/stereo-types, but I don't want to go there.)

  44. proudgrampa

    Part of me likes his answer. As someone said above, the question was a sort of Trivial Pursuit thing which is, well, trivial.

    If his foreign policy is to reduce American imperialism, I'm OK with that. Not that I have any intention of voting for the guy.

  45. jzgplj

    He should have CIA's World Factbook bookmarked, then he would know:

    chief of state: President Islom KARIMOV (since 24 March 1990, when he was elected president by the then Supreme Soviet; elected president of independent Uzbekistan in 1991)
    head of government: Prime Minister Shavkat MIRZIYOYEV (since 11 December 2003); First Deputy Prime Minister Rustam AZIMOV (since 2 January 2008)

    But that's probably too much fact for Good Ol' Herm…and then his head would explode.

  46. LiveToServeYa

    He could at least expound on a drone delivery service effort to establish a Pax Pizzacana. Want a pizza in Lesser Buttfuckistan, extra Halal? Call 1-800-USAPIES! Because Democracy delivers!

  47. fletc3her

    There are 193 members of the UN and we only bomb three or four of them on any given day. What happened to American exceptionalism?

  48. Fanniebeldora

    He's right, you know. The less I know about MY foreign relations, the better. I only hear from them around payday. Fuckers always want luxury items…. like shoes and milk for the kids, rent money, shit like that.

  49. Tundra Grifter

    I find it interesting that Mr. Cain wrote (or prepared or put his name on) the obligatory presidential campaign autobiography – and then went out on a book tour and actually tried to sell copies of it like it was important or something.

  50. Guppy06

    "And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job"

    Yeah, we'd have to actually have something worth exporting (other than jobs) before giving a damn about trade partners.

    Besides, if we treat the former Soviet republics as having their own separate counties and worthy of notice, it will give Putin a sad in that beautiful soul that W saw.

  51. ttommyunger

    We've moved on folks. No longer are we simply proud of our ignorance. No longer do we satisfy ourselves with simply denigrating education and the educated with scorn and ridicule as "egg-heads" and "Latte-Drinking Elites"; we can now be proud of our ignorance and be glad that our empty heads now have so much room for the big problems that face the Country. Look for the new Cain Campaign Bumper Sticker: "CAIN: Be Thankful He is So Fucking Dumb!"

  52. prommie

    Someone once said "wars are how Americans learn geography." Its true, I still know where My Lai was, and where the DMZ was, and the Mekong river delta, and Hue, and Pnom Penh. The kids of the 80s learned about Caribean medical schools and about the birthplace of John McCain, Panama City. And now we have Falujah and Tora Bora. But we haven't had any wars yet in Uzbeckistan, so how is anyone supposed to be able to pronounce it, even, let alone know anything about it?

  53. Troglodeity

    "When I get ready to go visit that country I’ll know who it is …"

    Herman, I'm not quite convinced we should extend "Just-In-Time Inventory" practices from pizza shops to international relations.

  54. starfanglednut

    Not only is he stupid and proud of it, this poor cheese faced bastard is so delusional, he actually believes there are republicans who, in the privacy of the voting booth, would, ever in their lives, pull the lever for a black guy.

  55. NewtsChicknNeck

    I'm glad CBN is around to ask the hard hitting questions like, "will you be ready to answer questions that do not lend themselves to talking points and platitude bullshit?"

    Answer: "oh, yeah. platitude. nonsense. bullshit."

    Being a journo? Nailed it.

  56. misanthrope

    Let's outsource diplomacy to the Canadians, they might actually get somewhere before pissing everyone off so much we lose our lunch vote and gotta have sucky Godfather's again. As another great American politician said "Can't someone else do it?!"

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