Pizza shill vanity campaigner Herman Cain has inexplicably not yet exhausted his six seconds of GOP presidential field relevancy, so we must listen to him doing this thing… speaking in tongues here, in an interview, in a dark cave? “UBEKI BEKI BEKI BEKI BAH BAH STAN O BAN STAN SO WHUT WHUT,” he says. Hm, maybe it’s a sex magick spell, against Mitt Romney’s Moon Jesus? No, it’s some kind of teatard gibberish about how the country formerly called “Uzbekistan” is lame, because Herman Cain is a proudly illiterate fop when it comes to foreign policy issues and from now on anyone asking him Gotcha Questions™ (please make your twenty-three cent royalty check payable to Sarah Palin) about “the other countries on earth” will be harangued with a series of nonsense syllables for their trouble. 

Herman Cain will does not need real words to describe other places, because the fictional Uzblahnistan like the rest of the Not United States planet is a realm of elves:

“I’m ready for the ‘gotcha’ questions and they’re already starting to come. And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say you know, I don’t know. Do you know?

That is actually the opposite of being “ready” for a basic foreign policy “gotcha” question on a country that the United States would like to use for its military supply routes into Afghanarstupidlandia, but WHAT ABOUT THE JERBS:

And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job? I want to focus on the top priorities of this country. That’s what leaders do. They make sure that the nation is focused on the critical issues with critical solutions. Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. When I get ready to go visit that country I’ll know who it is but until then I want to focus on the big issues that we need to solve.”

YOU TELL EM. He’ll Wikipedia that shit when and only when he actually goes there, like the tourists do. LEEDUHRSHIP! [Think Progress]

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  • Great.

    Cain will make Sarah Palin his Secretary of State.

    (dictation joke)

    • RedneckMuslin

      How's your dictate?

    • gullywompr

      She can see Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan from her house.

    • Generation[redacted]

      The President of France was very impressed with her movie.

    • Callyson

      Berlusconi will be happy to welcome her to his alliance.

  • LetUsBray

    Knowing about shit is elitist.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Herman Cain will appoint Dr. Lexus as Surgeon General, ya know?

    • coolhandnuke

      But he does know the president of Glennbeckistan.

  • memzilla

    Being ignorant is one thing. Being proud of being ignorant is a core Rethuglican value.

    • SorosBot

      Now that Palin is officially out of the Race, Cain seems to be making a move to be the official proudly ignorant candidate, and take the voters who want a giant dumbass for President.

    • Not_So_Much

      Yeah, he nailed it. But honestly, he's making more sense to me here than he has before.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Dumb is not knowing something.

      Stupid is not being able to know something.

      Ignorant is willingly not knowing something.

      • GOPCrusher

        And Republiklan is being ignorant and proud of it.

    • NewtsChicknNeck

      No one, NO ONE, is more proudly ignorant than Rick Parry. Cs and Ds from A&M for god's sake!!!1!

      I'm a failed aggie!!1! DO YOU HEAR ME!?!?!1!!? A failed Aggie!!11!

  • PuckStopsHere

    So, I guess asking this tool which newspapers he reads is RIGHT OUT then?

    • LetUsBray

      He's ready for that one, too: He's going to say, You know, I don't read. Do you know?

      • revmod

        "… but when I'm getting ready to make a policy decision I'll search Google News in advance on the topic, and I'll be ready."

    • paris biltong

      Reading? Papers? How’s that going to create one job?

    • DonnyKerabotsos

      Herb only reads newspapers that have three pages or less.

    • bikerlaureate

      None of them, Katie.

  • forgracie

    Allies? We don't need no stinkin' allies!

  • nonbeliever7

    I'm guessing he'd have trouble with Illinois.

    • LesBontemps

      Haha, everyone knows Rod Blagojevich's hairbrush is president of Illinois.

    • This shit won't sell in Walla Walla, Keokuk or Cucamonga.

  • greenpatches

    Herman Cain/Papa John 2012

    • Arken

      He'll be a Little Ceasar!

      • Beowoof

        All the Dominos will have to fall properly for that to happen.

        • Generation[redacted]

          Pizza the Hutt is not amused.

          • Doktor Zoom

            The Harmanator is off to to a pretty Shakey start.

          • Nothingisamiss

            Someone besides me remembers Shakey's?!

          • flamingpdog

            It's gone????

          • emmelemm


            ETA: Shakeys may be a regional thing?

          • horsedreamer_1

            The last Shakey's I saw was in Mexico City, Summer '97.

          • mayor_quimby

            As I recall, it was crappy pizza in the 80's in SoCal. Lamppost was way better

    • Tundra Grifter

      With Secretary of Defense Mountain Mike?

      [Sitting at a Round Table, and wearing a Straw Hat.]


    You don't speak delivery pizzaese, Kirsten?

    That's, "Got it. One jumbo pizza with Italian Sausage, Onions, and Pepperoni, and a side of cheese sticks."

    P.S. From Godfather's website:

    Italian Monkey Bread: When baked together, these bite-size pieces of seasoned dough become a soft, chewy, and mouth-poppin' treat.

    • schvitzatura


    • RedneckMuslin

      Less than 30 minutes or GTFO.

    • OKthennext

      Re: that PS from Godfather's pizza…

      They baked a monkey in the bread?! That's disgusting. And shows no respect for Italian monkeys.

      • SarahsBush

        When he goes to Italy, then he'll actually read the recipe. Until then, fuck those monkeys.

    • mayor_quimby

      They should be more sensitive, and call it Macaca Bread

  • Schmannnity

    Borat has more foreign relations knowledge.

    • Generation[redacted]

      When it comes time to visit Kaza-kaza-kaza-stan-stan, he will know who Borat is.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Because he's had relations with foreigners.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Does Hermies moustache taste of his testicles?

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I hear he also knows where bin Laden is, but won't disclose this unless his demands are met.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Next up…Cain will demand the UN require countries to only have 9-letter names…

    United Sta UntdStats USAmerica


  • JackDempsey1

    In his defense, Uzbekistan is easily in the top 5 of ridiculously-named countries.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Derka Derka!

    • 5 Turkey
      4 Uzbekistan
      3 Chad
      2 Chile
      1 Canada

      • Doktor Zoom

        I, for one, am torn. What is funnier: "Upper Volta," or "Burkina Faso"?

        Either way, Herman Cain would have a field day with the name of the capital.

      • bikerlaureate

        No love for Elbonia?

    • beavis420

      I know, right? This is America; We Speak English Here.

    • LettucePrey

      Except that neither Cain nor the idiot questioner ever said "Uzbekistan." They both said "Yubekistan."

      That said, I think Burkina Faso, Vanuatu, Suriname, Djibouti, Zambia, and Liechtenstein could also compete in the Miss Dumb Name pagaent.

      • LionHeartSoyDog


        • Doktor Zoom

          Sheikh Yerbouti?

          • PalinzADummy

            Zappa Libel.

      • flamingpdog
        • Doktor Zoom

          I somehow forgot "you forgot Poland!"

    • Nostrildamus

      But Krygyzstan wins the international syzygy award.

  • S. Laurel: Does it seem Hermanator Cain's knowledge of the world would fit in a thimble?

    O. Hardy: You betcha Stan.

  • Steverino247

    Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan-uh-that's all folks!

    <cue Merry-go-round Broke Down>

  • SorosBot

    Someone who publicly makes fun of other country's names is exactly who we want in charge of diplomacy.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Can't wait to hear what Cain thinks about funny 'furner' clothes.

    • Callyson

      Calling places "insignificant countries" will be a big help too…

      • Afghanistan was pretty insignificant until just about exactly 10 years ago.

        • In Soviet Russia, Afghanistan makes YOU insignificant!

    • The fact that he runs "Godfather" pizza shows the extent of his ethnic sensitivities.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      As the rulers of several ancient cities on the silk road found out the hard way, making fun of central Asian countries you've never heard of went down really well with Mongolia in the 13th century (prop. G Khan & Hordes (that's "Hordes" with a capital H to you.))

    • I cringed in embarassment thinking of peoples in Uzbekistan seeing this on the news.

    • Gainsbourg69

      Have you heard him talk about how he wants to model our pension system on the one they have in Chi-Lay?

  • prommie

    Herman Caine is the name but they call me the pizza man
    Ask me about foreign policy I say Uzbeck ubek ubekki bekki stan
    In the autumn of '11, we were unemployed, just barely alive
    By October the tenth, my poll numbers fell
    It's a time I remember, oh so well

    The night they drove my pizza down
    And the bells were ringing
    The night they drove my pizza down
    And the people were singing
    They went, "La, la, la, extra cheese and pepperoni"

    • snackypants

      I want to marry your comment.

    • proudgrampa

      Well done, sir!

    • __kth__

      Herman, quick come see, there goes Robert E. Lee

  • Wilcoxyz

    So "top priorities" and "how does that create one job" is the new "common sense solutions."

    • LetUsBray

      The one job he's concerned about, of course, is his in the White House.

  • gizdal

    the man has humor, and it's a much better answer than snowgrifter sarah palin gave!

  • jakegittes

    Merkin 'ceptionalism. We are the stupidest people on the planet and damn well proud of it.

    • Geminisunmars

      sepshunnally stupid, we are

  • SoBeach

    If they are "small, insignificant states" it's their own fault.

    • Callyson

      They're not taking my Cadillac, that's for sure…

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Ah yes, Kazakhstan for instance, one third the size of the whole US. Does that make it "small"?

      • flamingpdog

        It's gotta be 3/5 the size of the US before it catches Herm Cain's attention.

  • He’s ready for the gotcha questions but apparently nothing else. You don’t need to know any facts to run for president do you Mr. Cain?

    • Doktor Zoom

      He's got electrolytes!

      • Nothingisamiss


    • Beowoof

      He clearly didn't know anything about making Pizza.

      • Agreed. There is some unique ingredient in Godfathers the causes intestinal pain.

        • snackypants

          Just like if you're not rich or are unemployed, if you have intestinal pain after eating Godfathers pizza, it's your own fault.

  • JoshuaNorton

    When he's elected president, he's vowed to immediately start peace negotiations with the the Ottoman Empire.

    • prommie

      If he doesn't win the nomination and the election, he could always move to San Francisco and declare himself Emporer.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Yeah, but he wouldn't add the "Protector of Mexico" part.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Isn't that a foot stool?

      • jqheywood


    • Doktor Zoom

      He'll appoint an ambassador who knows all about the Ottomans: Dick Van Dyke

      • LesBontemps

        I disagree; he wouldn't know an Ottoman if he tripped over one.

  • DaSandman

    Well he doesn't understand and can't relate to anything he can't sprinkle spicy Italian sausage on.

    You want breadsticks with this Prizadent?

  • elviouslyqueer

    This, from the acknowledged Lord God King of Douchebagistan.

  • Toomush_Infer

    "I don't have to know what those little speckled pieces and those other funny-looking things in the pizza are – the big issue is "Supersize this Pizza!"

  • Pragmatist2

    He plans to spin of foreign policy to the French.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Slightly OT, but in spite of being spanked by Cain in her home state, Shelley sez she's still in it to win it, baby!

    • not that Dewey

      Debt Ceiling Fight Kept Her Out Of NH

      Did it also keep her out of Congress?

    • Jukesgrrl

      She doesn't want to go home to Marcus.

  • “Math is hard!” *

    *Talking Barbie
    *Herman Cain

  • JoshuaNorton

    ♫♪ Take me back to Con-stan-tin-ople,
    No, you can't go back to Con-stan-tin-ople…. ♫♪

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Why did Constantinople get the works? That's nobody's business but the Turks!!

    • Indiepalin

      Duck Stab?

      • That's 'I am coming Constantinople.' The above is a TMBG ref.

        • nonbeliever7

          John/John 2012

          • Doktor Zoom

            Honestly, without Flansburgh & Linnell, would anyone in US America know anything at all about James K Polk?

        • Doktor Zoom

          Well, THAT was an experience I'll not soon forget. Big TMBG fan, and I've heard of the Residents…perhaps I should find more from those eyeoddballs.

          • Nice video, never saw it before! Thanks to@Indiepalin for reminding me about those guys. I had an obsession with them back in HS. They scared the crap out of me but I couldn't stop listening. The first few records have left an indelible impression on me.

          • Indiepalin

            Third Reich 'n Roll is very popular among the teabaggers.

    • flamingpdog

      Better watch out, JN. Prommie up-page said the Hermanator will be after your jerb if he doesn't become Prezdint.

  • "Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. "

    That's some serious Henry Kissinger shit right there.

    • paris biltong

      Except that Henry the K said "Bombing these insignificant states…"

    • SilverTsunami

      I. . . wait, knowing the names of the countries adjacent to where we're fighitng a war is not critical to our national security? I'm very confused.

      • flamingpdog

        Makes having those "Laos" and "Cambodia" moments a lot easier to justify.

        • Doktor Zoom

          I'm Laotian! Laos! Laos! It's a landlocked country between Vietnam and Thailand!

          OK, I get that, but are ya Chinese, or are ya Japanese?

  • RedneckMuslin

    Well, Herm, Uzbeck ubek ubekki bekki stan borders the country where our real war is and is an ally. Why do you hate the troops, Herman?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Herman Cain just threw all of the Uzbeks and Stans right off the crazy train. He doesn't need their votes.

  • Barrelhse

    Needs more Gnocca questions.

    • mereoblivion

      Forza Gnocca Pizza Pie?

    • Tender, mouth-watering Gnocca!

      • Guppy06

        Show me a Republican that's ever chowed down on some gnocca and I'll show you a closeted lesbian.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Which menu have you read?

    • flamingpdog

      "You call them gnocca; we call them anchovies."

  • jodyleek

    O/T but why is there a Monsanto ad at the top of my Wonkette screen? Mon-effing-santo? Jesus Christ on a farm implement, Ken! What gives?

    • RedneckMuslin

      invisible hand of the market?

      • jodyleek

        The invisible hand of the market is giving me a prostate exam. Too bad I don't have a prostate.

    • SexySmurf

      I have an ad for Shell Oil wanting to show me how they're working to improve energy efficiency. I'm guessing it somehow involves murdering Nigerians.

      • jodyleek

        You must admit that the energy required to shuttle vast sums of dough from consumer's pockets to theirs has become more and more efficient.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Haha! Silly Google ads think I can afford a Porsche! Hell, I can't even afford Michael Walsh's hot new political thriller.

      Mostly because I bought all those cucumbers in the mistaken belief that Kortney would follow…

      • SorosBot

        Google ads also seem to think I'm rich enough to have a stock portfolio. For several weeks, I've also kept getting divorce ads which would seem to be sending me a message, except I'm single.

        • paris biltong

          Buckminster Fuller would have had something to say about an economy entirely based on bullshit.

          • SorosBot

            I've got another ad now which begins, "If you have a $500,000 portfolio". Uh, I have a $10,000 checking account; is that close enough? I think the ad is just there to tease us.

        • Limeylizzie

          SorosBot is single? Your'e so smart and funny , you should have been snapped up , maybe single by choice, that must be the answer.

          • SorosBot

            Yep, single and lonely here; shy and nervous override smart and funny.

          • Limeylizzie

            Nonsense, MrLimeyLizzie is cripplingly shy and I just made him put the moves on me, fuck me and fall in love with me before he knew what was going on, you just need to find someone like me.

          • flamingpdog

            Aw, Lizzie, that'd be impossible – you're one of a kind!

            (You didn't see this, Barb.)

            (And Sara, you don't even come around here anymore, anyway.)

          • Limeylizzie

            Thanks flamingpdog, Barb and I have a deep love for each other we know we are kindred spirits.

    • Guppy06

      Doesn't it make you a little moist to know that Monsanto is paying for us telling Monsanto to go fuck themselves?

    • flamingpdog

      Cripes, because of Ken, just about every freakin' web site I go to has a Hoveround ad.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I'd just as soon Wonkette collect from creeps and criminals rather than progressives. Let the good guys donate their money to Elizabeth Warren or send food to the occupiers.

  • O.T. Tom Tomorrow re: media reaction to O.W.S.

    • emmelemm

      That's a good one! And colorful too.

  • schvitzatura

    Uzbekistan is now the world's sixth-largest producer and second-largest exporter of cotton,[38] as well as the seventh largest world producer of gold.


    The use of child labour in Uzbekistan has led several companies, including Tesco,[42] C&A,[43] Marks & Spencer, Gap, and H&M, to boycott Uzbek cotton.

    Dollars to donuts, a Cain Americuh would have a bilateral trade agreement on cotton within hours of the ex-Godfadduh's Pizza CEO's inaug. With a student-exchange program to send former socialist-funded midnight hoops players over to Uzbek City to manual harvest cotton, just like in that Sally Field movie thingee Places in the Heart</i…>

  • schvitzatura

    All he wanna do is zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom in a boom-boom?

  • LesBontemps

    Wait, Herman Cain is black?

  • Fatheaded, drunk on cheese, and stupid is no way to go through life.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I've got a gotcha question for Mr. Cain: How does closing 20% of Godfather's Pizza outlets and firing 300-400 people make you a "job creator"? The raving commie liberals at Business Week suggest that the Fabulous Godfather's Turnaround is mostly a matter of Herman Cain self-promotion than anything else:

    Yet it's not at all clear that Cain's efforts made that much of a difference in Godfather's fortunes. He says the company was losing $8 million a year when he took over and turned a profit of $4 million two years later. You'll have to take his word for it. Cain, who declined to be interviewed, has not released details of the company's performance under his leadership. Publicly available figures show Godfather's sales fluctuated from about $225 million to about $275 million during his time there, sometimes rising, sometimes falling, never surging. Godfather's didn't go out of business; neither did it become a major combatant in the pizza wars, and Pillsbury sold Godfather's to Cain and a group of investors in 1988.

    In a November 1987 interview with Restaurant Business, Cain predicted Godfather's would "exceed 1,000" restaurants within three years and take on its larger rivals. It wasn't to be.

    • Ducksworthy

      So. Another GOP vanity fraud? Who could have guessed?

    • Tundra Grifter

      A $4M profit on $250M in sales (average of $225M and $275M) is 1.6%. We'd have to see the Return on Assets (ROA) and Return on Equity (ROE) to make a final determination – but I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest a profit of less than 2% of sales isn't anything to brag about.

      In just about any business.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Facts, facts, why are you people always so caught up in facts?? Real Muricans only care about IMAGE. And what Fox and Friends tell them!!1!

    • PalinzADummy

      In other words, a failure who's lying to cover up his failure, and exaggerating his abilities.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    'Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going.'

    Wow, so not only is he ignorant he's proudly arrogant. If it's not 'Merica, it doesn't matter?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Hey, you just summed up eight years of George W Bush's foreign policy.

      • Callyson

        And that of just about every Republican in office today.

  • hagajim

    So Herman….what are the critical issues facing the U.S., and how the fuck are you going to create more jerbs? I'll bet he'd have a hard time answering either of those questions in a rational way…fucking Kenyan mooslim.

    • "President has done a bad job creating jobs"

      "What could the President be doing?"

      "Nothing, it's not the President's job to create jobs. PSYCHE!!1!"

      Pizza, pizza…

  • widestanceshakedown

    "My 999 plan will not include words more than 3 syllables long."

  • Herb is so stupid that he can actually fuck up a question about fucking up "Gotcha" questions…on CBN! Oh, and it needs moar autotune…

  • JoshuaNorton

    He says the company was losing $8 million a year when he took over and turned a profit of $4 million two years later.

    Now he's thinking of raising prices to $999,999.99 each.

    Hey, even if each store only sells one per year, you still make a profit.

  • not that Dewey

    Rush Limbaugh taught him how to pronounce that nation's name. But he forgot to do the CPAC jiggling / Parkinson's-mocking gestures that are supposed to go with it.

  • __kth__

    Surely knowing how to make a profit selling pizzas for $8 apeace trumps understanding other cultures and their issues.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Per my calculations (above) the company's profit on that $8 pizza would be just under $0.13.

      In other words, with any luck at all the driver's tip was twenty-five or thirty times the company's profit.

  • x111e7thst

    Herman knows you don't need much information about a place to send death drones to kill all the wedding attendees. That's real foreign policy.

    • Tundra Grifter

      It would probably be much cheaper to just send them a couple of those pizzas.

      No sausage or bacon, of course.

  • SorosBot

    "And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job? I want to focus on the top priorities of this country. That’s what leaders do. They make sure that the nation is focused on the critical issues with critical solutions."

    Now that's one of the most concrete and clear campaign promises I've ever heard.

  • J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    Even if you believe having good business sense qualifies you to be president, I'm not sure that turning around the Philadelphia region of Burger King and presiding over a small chain of pizza shops really qualifies you.

    I mean, if he ran Godfather's so well, how come I haven't seen one in like 20 years? We may as well elect the CEO of Rax.

    • prommie

      Where is the CEO of Ginos when you need him? Or Big Boy?

      • J Rbt. Oppenheiner

        I was gonna say Ginos but was afraid the whippersnappers would have no idea what I was talking about.

    • Who is the CEO of Tilted Kilt? Not only do they have a stimulating, tacky business plan, but they sheltered the refugee Wisconsin legislators in one of their Illinois dens during the recent crisis.

    • Beowoof

      Well they used to be right over between Mr. Donut and Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Mister Donut is big in Japan.

        Among the pathetic three or four phrases I mastered during my 2 years in Nihon: "Hotto koohii, onegaishimasu."

        (Sumimasen! Nihongo dekimasen! [and much doofus-faced bowing])

        • Generation[redacted]

          Mr Sparkle – anyone who can bring together a lightbulb company and fish slurry collective to make a most excellent happy cleaning product can surely run the free world!

    • user-of-owls

      Wool wool woo worth worth worths.

      I'm not gonna learn who runs that lunch counter place until they don't let me sit at it.

  • The only thing a US president needs to know about a foreign country is "do we bomb them or not"

    • Tundra Grifter

      JZ: Your quote is missing the first word: "When."

      Sadly, we don't seem to have an "or not" option in our foreign policy.

      • Generation[redacted]

        "Or not" is what those wimpy Democrats say just before we bomb them.

  • CapnFatback

    Come on everybody!
    I say now let's play a game
    I betcha I can make a mockery out of any country's name!

    Let's do Uzbekistan!

    And that's how we play the "the closest I got to understanding foreign cultures is when I ate Italian sausage on my crappy third-rate pizza" game!

  • HempDogbane

    Herman plans to carry the nuclear football his own damn self. That's all he needs to know.

  • mavenmaven

    I guess he just lost Queens, NY, home of tens of thousands of Uzbeki immigrants.

    The thought that not knowing about the Islamic states of the former Soviet Union will somehow help national security is fairly terrifying, actually.

    • Limeylizzie

      That food looks so delicious, I may have to go to that section of Queens and have myself a feast and then I will tell my new Uzbeki friends all about Herman Cain.

      • Hi Baby!

        • Limeylizzie

          Hi darling, how are you?

      • mavenmaven

        I grew up with it. Best food in the world (also known as Bucharian food). Wide range of spices, those pullavs, and boy, do they know how to grill up meat (I wish I didn't have to evoke these memories, I've been vegetarian for so many years and now you have me drooling…)

        • Limeylizzie

          Mmmmmm meat!!!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Loose nukes, how the fuck does that work?

  • CapnFatback

    To be fair, I believe Herman Cain might have been referring to that tiny Middle Eastern country populated entirely by four Rebeccas and two Stanleys.

  • prommie

    Normally, one has to go to a dive bar and try to find a "faked disability" all-day drinker who has been there since 9 AM, you know, the typical denizens of a VFW bar, to hear foreign policy discussed at such levels of pugnacious, blind pig-ignorance.

    • i_AM_ready

      Yes, exactly! The kind of person who pontificates about everything. And if anyone else speaks, they'll say something like, "No shit, Sherlock!" and think it's witty.

      I've noticed some of the personal trainers at my gym are like this. Talking constantly about huge issues–always in a loud voice with a know-it-all tone–as they push the old farts through their paces. You want to say, "If you're such an expert on world economics and finance, what are you doing working in this crummy gym?"

      • Doktor Zoom

        No shit, Sherlock!

  • Polythene_Pam

    Actually, focusing on only one issue, not understanding the overall complexity of the entire organization, is not what leaders do – it's what mid-level managers do.

  • rocktonsam

    who does Cain think bought his shitty pizza?

  • I kind of like that answer.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    He’ll Wikipedia that shit when and only when he actually goes there, like the tourists do.

    You mean he doesn't have his own Track or Bristol to Google this shit out for him to make him well-versed in the issues in order to render a knee-jerk/gutteral opinion and mandation?

  • Stan Uzbek was one of the greatest goalies of all time. Cain just lost the hockey vote!!

  • ExecutorElassus

    This guy and Rick Perry are going to be running this shit in a year. I can't wait.

  • HistoriCat

    OK – we have a couple different issues here. Can he name the leader of Uzbekistan? Probably not – hell I would have to Google it myself. But I could pronounce the fucking name of the country and not sound like I took the short bus to school.

    "Can you name …" questions are for Trivial Pursuit. It's pretty lame and pointless. Foreign policy questions with some SUBSTANCE are another matter. But that would require journalists who can ask intelligent questions and understand intelligent answers. And the lazy ass pretty boys in "journalism" today can't be bothered to do that. Edward R. Murrow wouldn't let any of these losers make coffee for his people.

    • I agree. Cain's just brazening his way through the fact that none of these fuckers really knows any of that shit until they have to, and the ones that look halfway intelligent have just been cramming since yesterday with their Human Wikis.

    • SorosBot

      That's what gets me; sure, a presidential candidate shouldn't have to know the name of leader of every country, but I do expect them not to intentionally, mockingly mispronounce a country's name like a child. He could cause an international incident if he ever had to travel to Thailand and visit Bangkok or Phuket.

    • Doktor Zoom

      No kidding–I wonder if he thinks that the role of Uzbekistan and other former Soviet republics in, oh, let's say, the supply line to and from Afghanistan is ALSO a trivial matter that can be ignored…until, maybe, somebody starts shooting RPGs at transport planes…

    • mumbly_joe

      Well, right. Naming leaders here is obviously a straw man. BUT, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a presidential candidate to be aware of how to pronounce a country's name (and that mocking a name is always poor form), the general region it's located in, and, say, whether or not they're allies and whether there are major policy issues centered on them. Knowing that Anything-stan is probably a country that's relevant to the current longest-war-ever we're involved in over in central Asia is not exactly an unreasonable demand.

      • Tundra Grifter

        MJ: Or, for example, they happen to have any of those old Soviet-era nukes in a poorly-guarded storage shed.

        President Bush (41, of course) and James Baker deserve tremendous credit for an intelligent start to securing real WMD.

  • prommie

    And off-topic, but the market price for peanuts has risen from $400 a ton to over $1,100 a ton, due to the non-anthropomorphic global-warming-related weather this year (and probably some Goldman-Sachs commodities futures trading). As a result, the price of peanut butter will be skyrocketing, so nix your plans to live on PBJs through the depression. Its no kidding folks, stock up in the hobo beans now, before Goldman Sachs corners the futures market in those, too and jacks the price so high they will be beyond the reach of all but the wealthiest hobos..

    • Peanut butter riot time!! Peanut butter riot time!! Peanut-butter-riot-with-a-baseball-bat!

      • LesBontemps

        Dancing Banana FTW!

    • proudgrampa

      If you're going to invest in beans, look for something that can serve multiple purposes. I recommend refried beans (frijoles): not only are they good to eat, they can also be used as wallpaper paste, wood filler and spackle.

      • flamingpdog

        Are they cheaper than toothpaste?

  • Goonemeritus

    The average American doesn’t need to know who the President of Uzbekistan is, they got a guy for that. Oh yeah that would be the guy filling the seat you aspire to. We just went through 8 years of someone who didn’t know the difference between Kurds, Sunni and Shiites and well did that workout ….. Douchebag

    • mumbly_joe

      This actually raises a good point. While it's true that the point of presidential advisors is to be experts on things, because running the country takes such a wide range of enormous expertise that almost nobody could do the job solo, it's also true that we just got finished seeing what happens whent he guy who picks those advisors -the President- can't find America on a map, because he's one of those many US Americans who doesn't own a map…

      It means he picks crappy advisors, because he doesn't know how to spot someone who knows what they're talking about, either, basically, and thus, nobody in the government knows the difference between Sunni and Shia Islam, even though that's covered in 9th-grade World History.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Thank Dog we got a guy who picked his financial advisers from Goldman Sachs.

      • "nobody in the government knows the difference between Sunni and Shia Islam, even though that's covered in 9th-grade World History."

        HAHAHAHAHA!! Where did you go to school?!

        • flamingpdog
        • mumbly_joe

          Err, any public school in New York State? World history and geography is split between 9th and 10th grades, per the Regents curriculum, and even with the excessive eurocentrism common to American history classes, there is a unit, or half a unit, on founding-thru-medieval Islam, and including the schism and which areas are predominantly Shia or Sunni today.

          I mean, I had already known this stuff for a good 3 years prior, being a genius, and I'm sure most kids forgot it all pretty promptly, but it's definitely what the expectation was for the curriculum.

          • OK, but I will wager you that, even in New York, there are many schools where even the teachers have no idea what you are talking about.

            Forgive my low expectations, I'm a Chicagoan.

  • baconzgood

    HEY HERMIE! I take offence at that because there is not "President" of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan. Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan has a Prime-Minister. I know this because I'm from Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan and the Prime-Minister is, well, me Baconzgood.

    Prime-Minister of The Sovereign State of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan,

    BaconZgood. ESQ.

  • You're a dumb one, Mr. Grinch!

  • Doktor Zoom

    You know, if more than 10% of Americans even recognized this guy's name, I'd be really worried.

  • It's not like Founding Fathers such as Jefferson of Franklin had any knowledge of foreign lands, European countries, or where inspired by events from such wussy named places as Fren-Fren-Fren-Frence-y-France.

    BTW does anyone else think the rightwing is making the FFs seem stupider with each revision of what they did back when America was the Olive Garden of Eden?

  • Pre-announcing your ignorance is a brilliant strategy. It's a wonder no other Republican moron has thought of it before.

  • jus_wonderin

    "Gotcha Questions™ (please make your twenty-three cent royalty check payable to Sarah Palin)"

    GREED rears her hideous head, and her face is so freakishly revolting that EVIL remains seated for a hesitant second, unsure if even standing near GREED is advisable. SLOTH was fumbling with a knot in his shoe laces, again, so he didn't even notice.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    What about Dumbfuckistan? Does Herb Cain know who the president of that country is?

    • Doktor Zoom

      He's running for that office.

  • Ducksworthy

    That gubbermint by the ignorant, of the ignorant and for the ignorant shall not perish from the earth. Amen.

  • mumbly_joe

    Shorter Herman Cain, "I don't need to know which countries are important to our foreign policy or even pronounce them correctly, because I'm running to be president of the jobs."

    Which is weird, because I heard somewhere, from somebody, that government can't create jobs. Has news of this not reached Herman Cain?

  • All Herm needs to know about foreign policy is on this map right here:

  • Arken

    Herman Cain then went on to say of China, "Ching chong wing wong."

  • gullywompr


  • Linguists have identified that language as Bizarro-Obamese.

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    You know what's funny? In Italy, where pizza was invented and may even be more widely available than it is here, there is no such thing as "pepperoni pizza." Nor do "deep dish" or "thick crust" pizzas exist. When Italians come here and are presented with, say, a Domino's Meat Lovers' pizza with cheese encysted in its rim, they say Questo non è autentico! Then they slam it down just like we do, cuz it's buono!

    But Cain is a total fraud, purveyor of fast food death by increments. Why in the world would that qualify him to be president?

    • jus_wonderin

      Because, when he becomes President we can all expect to get an extra topping on our orders.

  • "I don't care who's starving or getting raped in Ooga-Booga-Lala-Kwanzaa. Unlike the President, I am a full-blooded American Black Man! I will learn about the country of Africa when they have a Linebacker in the Pro Bowl or a Center in the NBA Finals."

    And the crowd went wild.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Th-th-th-th-th- that's all folks.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Remember when Sarah Palin took a phone call from the "President of France?"

    I can hear a thousand morning radio DJs warming up their acts.

  • HedonismBot

    Of course, diplomatic relations go hand-in-glove with military issues, and managing the military is pretty much the one and only thing in the President's job description that he is able to do more-or-less unilaterally. In this above all else, the President can show his strength. Economic issues, however, are largely out of the President's hands (as we have seen lo these past couple years.)
    So, by all means, Herman, tell us how out of line we are to expect that the President of the United States of America have some knowlege of geopolitics.

  • Just remember that this guy made his name selling shitty pizza to <a href=",-92.06543&sspn=27.773787,67.631836&vpsrc=0&hq=godfather%27s+pizza&t=h&z=5">Appalachia and the Midwest. Florida also. And in typical Republican logic, a guy who cut jobs knows how to create jobs. Not that Hopey is much better these days since he put <a href=",0,4213847.story">job cutters on his jobs panel.

    And they wonder why the Ocupados are so pissed off at the system.

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Ya just can't embed lenghty google maps links in these comments. But they now have a short-link checkbox that gives you this:

      So smart, those Googlers.

      • Frak. Sorry about that. I like your typographical-symbol username. Haven't seen an Asterism since college.

        Here's the Hopey job-cut job panel story from the LA Times.

        • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

          I promoted Halftrack to lieutenant general. Oddly enough that link didn't work either.

    • Comment FAIL

  • Tundra Grifter

    Herman Cain had a prepared answer – he was just in search of the question. Ole Newt pulled the "gotcha question" answer during one of the debates.

    Go back and listen to Sen. John Kerry answer foreign policy questions during the Presidential candidate debates. There's a guy with some mad foreign country knowledge.

    • Kerry was smart and experienced. But that wasn't good enough for the Swifties because he wasn't John fucking Rambo during Vietnam, blowing up villages and shit. Remember the Purple Heart Band Aids they passed out?

      I guess de Tocqueville was right – we get the government we deserve.

      • LiveToServeYa

        I, for one, miss Treebeard's exciting campaign of new ideas.

  • Unlike the black kids who mock good students because knowing stuff is "acting white," Cain mocks knowledge because, for his base, knowing stuff ISN'T acting white.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Have you heard John Hope Bryant speak? The "Silver Rights" gentleman? He says we've managed to make dumb sexy – and we need to make smart attractive.

      He is a genius.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    The Constitution. What makes it work?!

  • Doktor Zoom

    What worries me, a little, is that this is the sort of bullshit that could actually SELL. I am reminded of this observation by Sarah Jaffe

    In the person of Obama, cultural elitism and scary black men converge and provide the ultimate object of anger for the remnants of Nixonism, for that longstanding streak in U.S. politics that feels both insecure and convinced of the perfection of their country. The one that is sure that if it wasn’t for all those Others coming in to take what’s theirs, if it wasn’t for Government handing it off to people who don’t deserve it, America would be doing just fine, thanks.

    There’s an element of absurdity in this, like in the signs that people love to mock—“Keep the Government out of my Medicare!”—but that mockery just stokes the flames of resentment higher. It draws those lines stronger. We ARE laughing at them—again, they’re right about it. It’s not helping.

    (from her review of Rick Perlstein's Nixonland, which I highly recommend…both the review and Perstien's book, actually)

  • Tundra Grifter

    Am I the only person offended by the name "Godfather's Pizza?" I think it's in remarkably poor taste to name a restaurant chain after a mobster. What is soooo cool about the Mafia, killers, Da Godfather, and all the rest?

    I'll admit – I just don't get it.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I never got that, either–Chicago has gangsters and pizza, but The Godfather, while full of great Italian food, didn't feature pizza, and Godfather's Pizza is decidedly not Chicago pizza, and…

      Shit, I just gave more thought to that question than Herman Cain has given to foreign policy.

    • fletc3her

      You'd really like the ads then featuring the "godfather" character saying the tag line "A pizza you can't refuse".

    • Yes, isn't it charming?
      I'm sure Italian-Americans just LOVE the stereo-typing!
      (I could come up with other ethnic/food/stereo-types, but I don't want to go there.)

  • proudgrampa

    Part of me likes his answer. As someone said above, the question was a sort of Trivial Pursuit thing which is, well, trivial.

    If his foreign policy is to reduce American imperialism, I'm OK with that. Not that I have any intention of voting for the guy.

  • jzgplj

    He should have CIA's World Factbook bookmarked, then he would know:

    chief of state: President Islom KARIMOV (since 24 March 1990, when he was elected president by the then Supreme Soviet; elected president of independent Uzbekistan in 1991)
    head of government: Prime Minister Shavkat MIRZIYOYEV (since 11 December 2003); First Deputy Prime Minister Rustam AZIMOV (since 2 January 2008)

    But that's probably too much fact for Good Ol' Herm…and then his head would explode.

  • LiveToServeYa

    He could at least expound on a drone delivery service effort to establish a Pax Pizzacana. Want a pizza in Lesser Buttfuckistan, extra Halal? Call 1-800-USAPIES! Because Democracy delivers!

    • fletc3her

      Do it.

  • fletc3her

    There are 193 members of the UN and we only bomb three or four of them on any given day. What happened to American exceptionalism?

  • Fanniebeldora

    He's right, you know. The less I know about MY foreign relations, the better. I only hear from them around payday. Fuckers always want luxury items…. like shoes and milk for the kids, rent money, shit like that.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Uzbek, Glennbek, whatever.

  • El Pinche

    We went with a smart POTUS, let's try stupid again.

  • Fanniebeldora

    Who gives a hoot about some piece-o-shit African countries like Moli and Zambodium anyway?

  • Tundra Grifter

    I find it interesting that Mr. Cain wrote (or prepared or put his name on) the obligatory presidential campaign autobiography – and then went out on a book tour and actually tried to sell copies of it like it was important or something.

    • Doktor Zoom

      If he really wanted to be a successful Republican, he'd try to have his own book banned.

  • Guppy06

    "And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job"

    Yeah, we'd have to actually have something worth exporting (other than jobs) before giving a damn about trade partners.

    Besides, if we treat the former Soviet republics as having their own separate counties and worthy of notice, it will give Putin a sad in that beautiful soul that W saw.

  • ttommyunger

    We've moved on folks. No longer are we simply proud of our ignorance. No longer do we satisfy ourselves with simply denigrating education and the educated with scorn and ridicule as "egg-heads" and "Latte-Drinking Elites"; we can now be proud of our ignorance and be glad that our empty heads now have so much room for the big problems that face the Country. Look for the new Cain Campaign Bumper Sticker: "CAIN: Be Thankful He is So Fucking Dumb!"

  • prommie

    Someone once said "wars are how Americans learn geography." Its true, I still know where My Lai was, and where the DMZ was, and the Mekong river delta, and Hue, and Pnom Penh. The kids of the 80s learned about Caribean medical schools and about the birthplace of John McCain, Panama City. And now we have Falujah and Tora Bora. But we haven't had any wars yet in Uzbeckistan, so how is anyone supposed to be able to pronounce it, even, let alone know anything about it?

  • Once I get a call, I'll learn those leaders' names in 30 minutes or less.

  • Troglodeity

    "When I get ready to go visit that country I’ll know who it is …"

    Herman, I'm not quite convinced we should extend "Just-In-Time Inventory" practices from pizza shops to international relations.

  • user-of-owls


    "I see London, I see France…"

  • flamingpdog

    Tim Moore is rolling over in his grave.

  • jqheywood

    You know who else didn't think much of Uzbeks…..

  • Not only is he stupid and proud of it, this poor cheese faced bastard is so delusional, he actually believes there are republicans who, in the privacy of the voting booth, would, ever in their lives, pull the lever for a black guy.

  • NewtsChicknNeck

    I'm glad CBN is around to ask the hard hitting questions like, "will you be ready to answer questions that do not lend themselves to talking points and platitude bullshit?"

    Answer: "oh, yeah. platitude. nonsense. bullshit."

    Being a journo? Nailed it.

  • Laughitoff22

    Can we bring out the "Gotcha Girls" yet?

  • misanthrope

    Let's outsource diplomacy to the Canadians, they might actually get somewhere before pissing everyone off so much we lose our lunch vote and gotta have sucky Godfather's again. As another great American politician said "Can't someone else do it?!"

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