THE ONLY GOD IS MOLOCH  8:10 pm October 7, 2011

Wingnuts Worried Their Anusburgers Sacrificed To Wrong ‘Demon-God’

by Wonkette Jr.

Moloch! Moloch! Robot apartments! invisible suburbs! skeleton treasuries! blind capitals! demonic industries! spectral nations! invincible madhouses! granite cocks! monstrous bombs! Watch out, American Jesus fans! According to a couple of wingnuts somewhere, the poop-snausage pizza you’re eating from the Papa John’s might’ve been sacrificed to the wrong Demon-God! W-w-whut? It’s apparently true! Jews and Muslims, besides both being Semitic people of the Hebraic traditions, also like to have their factory-farmed animals killed in the industrial slaughterhouse by undocumented Mexicans in special ways. It makes it taste better, we guess? But did you know there is a scary problem for American Jesus Christians when meat is “lawful” for the various foreign religions? Some random anti-Muslim evangelical and a noted crazy person on the Internet are both concerned about this problem! For example, the Costco is doing “backdoor Sharia” by, uh, selling slaughtered animals that have been blessed by the Ayatollah or something? Not Costco, jesus christ!

From, obviously, World Net Daily:

When you bite into a delicious pizza, succulent sandwich or luscious lamb chops, are you possibly eating food that has been sacrificed to idols?

An outspoken American pastor says yes, and he’s sounding the alarm for Christians to be aware of the Islamic influence he calls “backdoor Shariah” now nibbling its way across the fruited plain.

See, we didn’t even make up “backdoor Shariah.” We didn’t need to.

It’s not just the Costco 200-packs of Halal Lamb Tacos that have the wingnuts up in arms. They can’t even go get their usual five or six “footlongs” from the Subway franchise these days, without maybe eating secret Muslim meat! Writes “award-winning journalist” Joe Kovacs at the WND website: “Connecticut-based Subway, which has more than 23,000 sandwich shops in the U.S. and nearly 34,000 worldwide, is proud to be offering halal food in communities where there’s a demand for it.”

Demand for it, eh? We’ve got two decade-old holes in the ground in the community of Manhattan that demand vengeance against these idolators’ cold cuts, that’s what!

The real problem, according to ridiculous ass-clown bigot Bryan Fischer, is that when you say the Jewish/Christian god’s name in the wrong Semitic language, that god instantly turns into a Hell Monster. This is probably in a recent rewrite of the Bible, or a Chick Tract!

In England, which is already an Islamic Republic, every type of anusburger or “bangers ‘n mash” are already worshiping the wrong make-believe deity:

Even fast-food joints like Domino’s Pizza, Pizza Hut, KFC, and Subway are using halal meat, but they aren’t telling their customers about it either. Domino’s, for instance, has been serving halal chicken for 10 years in 580 outlets across the fruited U.K. plan. Folks in hospitals, schools, and pubs across the U.K. have been eating food that has first been blessed in the name of the demon-God Allah but know nothing about it.

The demon-God Allah sounds so much more awesome than the faggedy-ass war-losing American demon-God, that’s for sure! We’ll have our chicken-butt nuggets Halal style … for winners! [World Nut Daily]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 244 comments }

OC_Surf_Serf October 7, 2011 at 8:14 pm

backdoor Shariah

Worst porn ever

fuflans October 7, 2011 at 8:30 pm

i first read this as 'backdoor sarah' and thought we were about to visited by the hordes again.

weejee October 7, 2011 at 8:46 pm

BackdoorSarahBackdoorSarahBackdoorSarah

fulflans do you think the herd heard that?

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Hello madam. My name is Jones and I'm a bible salesman. Is your husband at home? No? Well, perhaps I could show a good Christian woman like you some of my fine Bibles?

TanzbodenKoenig October 7, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Sounds like Pammy Atlas' idea of a fun saturday night

boobookitteh October 7, 2011 at 8:15 pm

'Backdoor Shariah' was my porn name.

Troubledog October 9, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Shariah Twain

coron4 October 10, 2011 at 1:09 am

You men eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans.
I get more chicken than any man ever seen…

Tundra Grifter October 10, 2011 at 9:50 am

You be the hen
And I'll be rooster.

Anything we do
You're gonna get use to.

memzilla October 7, 2011 at 8:17 pm

My Baal Burgers™ aren't kosher???

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Who knew?

Negropolis October 7, 2011 at 8:55 pm

I'm kind of partial to the Double Asherah w/ cheese, myself.

emmelemm October 7, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Great Cthulhu on toast!

memzilla October 7, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Perry / Yog Sothoth 2012! Vote the straight Outer Gods ticket!

HistoriCat October 8, 2011 at 9:04 am

I don't think you can use "Perry" and "straight" together like that.

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Making sure that you are paying obeisance to the CORRECT invisible, easily-upset Sky Tyrant is also a matter of concern in the Republican primary:

Robert Jeffress, a Texas megachurch pastor at the "Values Voter Summit," did Rickerhead Perry the dubious favor of introducing him as a REAL follower of Jesus Christ (as opposed to that one guy who belongs to a cult). http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/07/blu

“If you vote for Romney, don’t be under the illusion that you voted for a Christian,” he said. “I’m not saying that Romney is not a good person, but that he will not be saved.”

EDIT: Also, too: Jeffress had a happy Mormon-bashing time afterwards with Bryan Fissure, who is of the opinion that the First Amendment only applies to Christians (and only the ones he thinks are Christians, for that matter): http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/jeffress-vo

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Don't you mean "Bryan'S fissure," Dok?

fuflans October 7, 2011 at 8:29 pm

[rubs hands in glee]

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 10:21 am

I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, “Religion: Which is the one true faith?''

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 10:25 am

Ooh, look. Even Pat Fucking Robertson is not pure-xian enough for these people.
http://www.christianpost.com/news/pat-robertson-a

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 11:05 am

To these Pharisees, Jesus Christ himself would be found soft on doctrine. Dostoevsky had these people in mind when he wrote the Grand Inquisitor parable.

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 11:18 am

Actual Jesus™ was a lost cause centuries ago. The internecine struggle among fundamentalists that is being precipitated by the 2012 republican race is resulting in some highly tragicomic purity tests. A cage match between Pat Robertson and Brian Fissure would be entertaining, on pay-per-view. I'd watch that. One too fat to move, the other too frail to stand up, each accusing the other of not being hateful enough.

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm

"But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers. Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

–Max von Sydow, Hannah And Her Sisters

Pithaughn October 8, 2011 at 1:08 pm

They are just getting ready for the day when hating the muslims get's old, and they will need a new scapegoat to beat up on. Note to minority Xrishtun sects, they have stockpiled an enormous quantity of ammunition, and the use by date is getting closer and closer.

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I'm convinced that Rick Perry is an utter, cynical phony as an Evangelical, and is playing these people like a Stradivarius. That's why I so love the idea of Perry as the Anti-Christ, because these pious simpletons have no clue that the Devil might be smart and devious enough to focus on deceiving THEM, rather than the "unbelievers." I know I'd get more jollies that way, if I was Beelzebub.

Dashboard_Jesus October 10, 2011 at 1:35 am

boy how I DO enjoy a good *fake* jeebus fight betwixt the TRUE *believers*/ Morons/ megachurch whores…."nyah, nyah, my Jeebus is better than yer Jeebus" (and we all say AMEN!)

GuanoFaucet October 7, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Wonkette Jr.! I'm with you in Rockland
where you're madder than I am.

bumfug October 7, 2011 at 8:18 pm

They want their backdoor religion the old fashioned way, from a priest.

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Ow!

MaxNeanderthal October 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Need some voodoo butter for lube…?

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Probably has red-hot chilli peppers in it.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

__kth__ October 7, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Or from a megachurch speed-freak 'pastor'.

lefty74 October 7, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Lunchmeat Libel!

Comrade Wingtard October 7, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Nothing like a steaming dump of Wing Nut Daily to begin the weekend. I think I'll fire up the grill, hand crank the AM radio, gather up the $53.76 in gold bonds that is my life savings, and have a few 'halal' smashed rat asshole burgers now.

LetUsBray October 7, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Backdoor Shariah is the best kind!

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Jesus christ, what is this "fruited plain" shit, wouldja quit with the faggot jokes already, WingNutDaily?

Pres.Libunatic October 7, 2011 at 8:31 pm

That's a Rush Limpball-ism. It's like a dog whistle to his fans, like porn is to Clarence Thomas.

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Ah! I've never heard him, of course, so what do I know?

I wish you hadn't said that about Clarence Thomas. Now all I can think of is him and doggy porn movies.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Clarence and Ginni made a movie?

flamingpdog October 8, 2011 at 12:10 am

Ginni's porn name is Long Dong Sharia Baby.

imissopus October 8, 2011 at 12:22 am

Gah, I just had an image of Clarence and Ginni going at it doggie-style, and now I wish I was dead.

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 12:38 am

Oh, god. And it had lots of doggie-door action. Excuse me. I must go yark now.

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2011 at 1:46 pm

You 've never heard of Rush Limbaugh??

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I've heard of him, Chet, I've just never listened to his show or seen him on TV (was he on TV, ever?). I did see a clip of him once, mocking an actor with a disability, but I forget who it was, and when.

ProudLibunatic October 8, 2011 at 2:38 pm

What's this "fruited U.K. plan" shit?

(Nevermind, I don't want to know.)

MaxNeanderthal October 8, 2011 at 4:01 pm

It's a fiendish plot to stone Paul Dacre to death with overbaked Eccles cakes….

ProudLibunatic October 8, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Or throw Garibaldi Biscuits at the Queen?

OC_Surf_Serf October 7, 2011 at 8:23 pm

…when you say the Jewish/Christian god’s name in the wrong…language

Yes, here in America the Supreme rulers' name are pronounced "Inc"

Pres.Libunatic October 7, 2011 at 8:30 pm

The problem is that in Arabic, "Allah" means "God" in both the Islamic and the Christian sense. SO WHICH ANGRY SKY GHOST ARE YOU PRAYING TO WHEN YOU SAY "ALLAH", HENNGH?

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Allah them, Katie.

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2011 at 8:45 pm

That was a thing of beauty.

weejee October 7, 2011 at 8:49 pm

ftw

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 7, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Bravo or brava, depending on your sex

NellCote71 October 7, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Falafel win.

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2011 at 1:48 pm

JEHOVALLAHLIBEL!!!

MaxNeanderthal October 8, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Superb!!!

horsedreamer_1 October 8, 2011 at 9:53 am

I thought it was pronounced "mangia", as in "Eat this shit sandwich that Scalia has willed us in Bush v. Gore and Citizens United, and love it".

As an aside, Scalia and Alito have done more to detract from Italian-Americans than Sacco, Vanzetti, the Five Families, and the cast of the Jersey Shore, combined.

MaxNeanderthal October 8, 2011 at 4:06 pm

So, saying it in anything other than ancient Aramaic makes them a – blasphemer!!! (NO one is to throw a stone, and I'll make this ab-so-lut-ley clear, until I blow this whistle, even if they do say "Jehovah")…..

LesBontemps October 10, 2011 at 9:29 am

You're only making it worse for yourself.

MaxNeanderthal October 10, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2011 at 8:23 pm

This sort of idiocy reminds me of the moron who, apparently feeling slighted by the very existence of Kosher salt, started selling "Christian Salt" a few years ago.

(Useful note from the comments in the linked article: "All salt is kosher. Kosher salt would be more accurately called Koshering salt – it is used in the process of kashering meat, that is, salting meat to draw out the blood.")

weejee October 7, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Christian salting the meat is to put saltpeter in the school lunch so there will be no playing with the meat later in the day.

HarryButtle October 8, 2011 at 12:02 am

Lot's wife?

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Lots of wives.

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 1:19 pm

What cooks refer to as "kosher salt" is the salt that comes without added iodine, in large crystals. It's pure (no added substances) and the large-grain makes it better for marinades and, yes, koshering.

I wonder what "Christian salt" is about. Clearly, the concept never caught on with professional (or even amateur) cooks. These people are truly insane. They know nothing, but react to everything.

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 4:30 pm

They know nothing, but react to everything.

What else what you expect from reactionaries?

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Just tell me it'll be OK, Dok.

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Put the lime in the coconut an' drink 'em both up.

Doktor Zoom October 9, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Also probably worth noting: It really doesn't look like this product ever went into production. The Googles don't seem to have any stories about it past the minor splash it made in 2009.

Imagine that–someone actually found a Christian-related product that not even Fundamentalists would buy.

not that Dewey October 9, 2011 at 7:24 pm

So, the market has spoken. Where's your messiah, now, Godlewski?

Can I just note the irony of a man named "Godlewski" making Christian-themed products? He probably insists that it's NOT pronounced "God-LESS-ki"

gullywompr October 7, 2011 at 8:24 pm

From now on, the only meat I'll accept on my pizza will be ground WND authors.

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Why would you want to ruin a perfectly good pizza with rancid fatty meat? It might be best to go with the veggie version.

gullywompr October 8, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Maybe Kourtney can fix me up…

CessnaDriver October 10, 2011 at 1:01 pm

It would still be better than Godfather's Pizza.

salt_bagel October 7, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Lucky for me Crom don't give a single fuck how I kill my meat. Not one.

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2011 at 1:52 pm

The Barbarian's Prayer always ends with, "if you won't, then to hell with you!!"

kissawookiee October 8, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Crom is the Honey Badger of deities, after all.

Pres.Libunatic October 7, 2011 at 8:25 pm

For fuck's fucking sake.

Let's just sacrifice every animal in the country in the name of Ahura-Mazda and be fucking done with it. Zoroastrianism got a bad rap with all that Persian pillaging…there's something to be said for fire worship, and letting the vultures pick your corpse clean on a Tower of Silence. Who could possibly be offended by fire worship? Oh wait, Bryan Fischer, that's who.

mayor_quimby October 8, 2011 at 4:23 am

I will choose three, fireworship and rotary engines and the vultures. Is that cool

schvitzatura October 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

What a Wankel!

PubOption October 8, 2011 at 8:42 am

Fire worship is not well received in Texas, at the moment.

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Acura-Mazda? There are services at the dealerships?

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Of course. In the Service department.

LesBontemps October 10, 2011 at 9:39 am

rimshot

savethispatient October 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Backdoor Shariah Halal meat is not Kosher, man!

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Can we just stop talking about Michele Bachmann, just once?

Texan_Bulldog October 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

How dare Subway offer a product where there is a demand for it. That's not the way capitalism works…oh wait. I guess capitalism is only good when you're selling Budweiser, Skoal & Confederate flags at a Nascar event.

And in the UK, I'm glad Allah has blessed their spotted dicks.

SexySmurf October 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

When I go to Subway I always get extra blessing of the demon-God on my foot long meatball.

Sparky_McGruff October 7, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Demon-god blessing in the meatball sub? No, I'm pretty sure that's just gas.

horsedreamer_1 October 8, 2011 at 9:55 am

I wish the lesbians who used to run things at the Mayfair Mall food court Subway would have blessed my meatball.

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 1:25 pm

They'd probably bless both of them, if you'd just put them on the counter.

Of course, you prolly don't know this, but the standard Lesbian Blessing involves a baseball bat (makes thwacking motions), so, you know, be careful what you wish for, and all that.

horsedreamer_1 October 8, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Blessed are the Softball Dykes, for they shall be rich in on-base-plus-slugging.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 11:46 pm

You know Michelle too? Oh, wait, you were talking about the sandwich.

iburl October 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

"'backdoor Shariah' now nibbling its way across the fruited plain."

Weird Nut Daily has some sexy ass copy writers.

Tundra Grifter October 10, 2011 at 9:52 am

I thought the "fruited plain" was the GNoP majority in the House.

Lucidamente1 October 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

If the wingnuts think their anusburgers are halal, we may yet solve the obesity epidemic.

chicken_thief October 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Fat chance.

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Howlingly good alt-text!

Nostrildamus October 8, 2011 at 2:20 am

Reminds me of Dr. Bonner's.

fucentarmal October 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

the other white meat, or the only white meat, pork.

fuflans October 7, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Transubstantiation bitches!

Pres.Libunatic October 7, 2011 at 8:35 pm

I got 95 theses and a bitch ain't one.

horsedreamer_1 October 9, 2011 at 1:02 pm

If you're accepting indulgences, I got news for ye, son…

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Please. Like Papist sacrifice to the right sky demon.

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!
So get down upon your knees
Fiddle with your rosaries
Bow your head with great respect
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Tom Lehrer, That Was The Year That Was

GuanoFaucet October 7, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Backdoor Shariah comes with a side of Santorum for the tossed salad.

Jukesgrrl October 7, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Ewwwwww.

chicken_thief October 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm

With faint strains of rusty trombone playing in the background?

horsedreamer_1 October 9, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Yakety Bone.

Come here a minute October 7, 2011 at 8:29 pm

The only way good Amurcan Xtians can be sure is to go veg. (No, not "Go Vag" party, that's Berlusconi, and Mussolini.)

iburl October 7, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Creeping Teabagarrhea

Blueb4sunrise October 7, 2011 at 8:29 pm

This has been a great day in Wonkettistan.

coolhandnuke October 7, 2011 at 8:31 pm

They can’t even go get their usual five or six “footlongs” from the Subway franchise these days, without maybe eating secret Muslim meat! Writes “award-winning journalist” Joe Kovacs at the WND website:

Had to be an Oscar he was awarded.
An Oscar Mayer.

CommieLibunatic October 7, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Jesus Fucking Christ, this is why we can't have nice things. Correction, ANYthings!

Dashboard_Jesus October 10, 2011 at 3:28 am

hey now, it ain't MY fault, blame that shit on the angel Moron-I

deelzebub October 7, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Bryan Fisher is gonna be so pissed when he finds out the pigs-pigs-in-a-blanket I brought to the last church potluck were leftovers from the hogs I sacrificed to Quetzalcoatl. Now, where could I get my hands on one of these "granite cocks" of which the glorious and holy alt-text speaks?

user-of-owls October 7, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Filthy Aztecophile!

Q'uq'umatz could beat Quetzalcoatl's skinny Nahuat ass any day of the week!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 11:52 pm

As to your question: Give me a call.

gurukalehuru October 8, 2011 at 2:06 am

I want me one of them there robot apartments. Somewhere in the invisible suburbs.

Rotundo_ October 8, 2011 at 11:38 am

There probably is someone out there making them out of granite, but the glass ones are more practical and purty.

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2011 at 8:33 pm

That's why I love Mankind.

Pithaughn October 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Know what? Some of the worst people I know are human.

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 4:33 pm
BlueStateLibel October 7, 2011 at 8:34 pm

But have these burgers and sandwiches been blessed by Cthulu? Enquiring minds want to know.

Pres.Libunatic October 7, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Cthulhu does not bless. Cthulhu eats and destroys. And at the rate these fuckers are going, they will be eaten first.

flamingpdog October 8, 2011 at 12:18 am

CHICK LIBEL!!1!

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 11:17 am

Apparently Chick's lawyers thought so too: http://howardhallis.blogspot.com/2010/11/who-will

Thank Cthulhu for

1) Fair Use
2) The Streisand Effect

emmelemm October 7, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Dang! You beat me.

mavenmaven October 7, 2011 at 8:37 pm

On this sad note, happy yom kippur everyone in wonkette-land…

weejee October 7, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Thank you for that. We'll be having some herring for our kippers. Yom, yom.

not that Dewey October 7, 2011 at 9:48 pm

You struck atone with that sad note.

(excuse me while I go get down to some Kol Nidre)

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I tried to atone by sundown, but had little to shofar my efforts.

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 5:24 pm

It can be difficult, haftarah hard day at work.

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 6:02 pm

If only I were an evil genius with a secret lair in a volcano…then all the work could done by my minyans.

Jukesgrrl October 7, 2011 at 10:43 pm

I have a lot to atone for, but not as much as some people I could name. (Is that the proper spirit for the event?)

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Manischewitz.

ProudLibunatic October 8, 2011 at 2:45 pm

And Snark isn't on the big list of no-noes!
(OK, there's mocking and stuff, but still…)

horsedreamer_1 October 9, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Al Davis RIP.

fuflans October 7, 2011 at 8:38 pm

bryan has such first world problems. i say we drop him in those FATA areas and see how fast he converts to halal meat.

BklynIlluminati October 7, 2011 at 8:38 pm

I opening a new fast food joint calling it Mephistopheles just to get all the protesting out of the way right in the beginning. Satan makes it his way human worms!

GhostBuggy October 7, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Please please please please them try to boycott food. Please.

KenLayIsAlive October 7, 2011 at 8:47 pm

I hear it's in the Queeran that one should not wear a plastic bag over their head until they die. Pass it on.

user-of-owls October 7, 2011 at 9:33 pm

"Whosoever does not jump from the highest mountain or refrains from eating poison fruit is blessed in the eyes of the All-Merciful."
al-Mulk 69: 11-13

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2011 at 8:41 pm

OMG!!11 Chick Publications:::Chick-Fil-A…it all makes sense now!

mayor_quimby October 8, 2011 at 4:28 am

Don't you fuck with my chicken biscuit!

Goonemeritus October 7, 2011 at 8:41 pm

This is why I only eat meat at biker pig roasts. Come for the reign of terror ride stay for the Sharia free swine. You can almost feel the baby Jesus smiling on you.

Guppy06 October 7, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Why do I get the feeling that he's cashing fat checks from the National Pork Producers' Council?

"Pork: the other white American meat."

MaxNeanderthal October 8, 2011 at 4:18 pm

This is why the Spainiard's are so heavily into a pig based economy, i.e. to show that they weren't muslins after the reconquista -(true), in the time after they were the big bolloxed boys on the block, and before they got their assholes handed to them on a plate by the Brits/Dutch and the real Pirates of the Carribbean….

PalinzADummy October 9, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Bonus point: pigs are MUCH cheaper to raise than cattle.

BarackMyWorld October 7, 2011 at 8:47 pm

This, like public prayer, is actually addressed in the Bible (1 Corinthians 8:4-6). As usual, the wingnuts got it wrong, and they're going to try and impose that wrongness on everyone they can.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 7, 2011 at 8:48 pm

MY SHARIA

P.S. The alt-text is awesome, as mentioned upstairs.

Ladles and Germs, the Granite Buzzcocks.
~

Negropolis October 7, 2011 at 8:48 pm

"Backdoor Sharia", eh? I think I've seen this movie…

KenLayIsAlive October 7, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Freedom and liberty means demanding people do things your way.

ttommyunger October 7, 2011 at 8:54 pm

These backwoods 'Merikan Preachers are just pissed that they missed out on the payola gravy train that the Joos & Mooslems have been cashing in on for Centuries-that being the payola the Rabbis and Mullahs get for "inspecting/approving" preparation and handling of food items and products according to their religious law. All they have come up with is the occasional revival meeting, laying the Tithe guilt trip (which is noted nowhere in the New Testament) and of course the constant bleeding of the ignorant through the teevee machine. Pikers!

paris biltong October 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

You forget the cash cows of bris and its Muslim equivalent.

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Sunat.

ttommyunger October 8, 2011 at 11:05 pm

No way anybody could list all the grifting that goes on inside these institutions behind the scenes and virtually unknown to all but the poor victims who have to pony up the payola.

weejee October 7, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Is Joe Kovacs Ernie's closeted cousin? All his blather sounds like a push for theologically ordained livestock buttsechs.

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2011 at 9:07 pm

But Ernie made more sense

johnnyzhivago October 7, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Do these fucking idiots understand that these strange and mysterious "meat laws" are actually how these cultures avoided food poisoning for 3000 years?

BlueStateLibel October 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm

They are also the same idiots who want to do away with government food inspection laws – it's the damn gov'ment regulations that are killing jobs, and it's none of the gov'ment's business if my kid dies from e-coli!

Callyson October 7, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Yes, and they're disappointed by the success. These wingnuts won't be happy until the Fundies have a 100% monopoly on the planet.

KenLayIsAlive October 7, 2011 at 9:41 pm

No.

Jukesgrrl October 7, 2011 at 10:46 pm

As usual, context is everything.

Comrade Wingtard October 8, 2011 at 12:05 am

It was impossible for green onions, canteloupes or broccoli to have ecoli or listeria 3000 years ago, also. Because they didn't water the crops with pig shit.

emmelemm October 8, 2011 at 2:20 am

They had that ever elusive thing we call "common sense".

AJWjr. October 8, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Or Brawndo.

emmelemm October 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

It has electrolytes.

schvitzatura October 9, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Until Clarence Birdseye, Louis Pasteur, Nicolas Appert, et al, made this anti-pork and shellfish eatin' all a bunch of silly unmodern hoohaw!

user-of-owls October 7, 2011 at 9:10 pm

For a bunch of people who desperately want to instill fear and dread, they sure use pretty pathetic verbs to describe the threat. If I wanted to scare the living shit out of someone about Sharia, for example, "creeping" and "nibbling" would not be my first choices.

Doktor Zoom October 7, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Ow, my Baals!

PalinzADummy October 9, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Harry? Is that you?

weejee October 7, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Yes! Where is there a good pyramid and flint knife when you need one?

user-of-owls October 7, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Ooh! Ooh! I know the answer to this one!!

natoslug October 7, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Would you prefer "gently licking" or "a light flicking of the tongue"?

Backdoor Sharia, down on all fours, gently licked at my smoothly-shaven scrotum. The warmth of its tongue sent an intense burst of pleasure to my suddenly-turgid cock. I stared deeply into its eyes, only to be distracted by the gentle swaying of its 13 full breasts . . .

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Dear Comparative Theology Forum,

I never thought that I would experience creeping sharia until the following incredible experience happened to me…

user-of-owls October 8, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Dear Garden Lady,
Can you tell me what this plant is? This summer it absolutely devastated a bed of Buckeye Belle peonies that we've enjoyed for many years. Please help us!
Bud & Flora in Sweetwater

Dear Bud & Flora,
The plant in the picture you enclosed is creeping sharia (Tyrannus Islamica), an invasive species that, once established, is nearly impossible to eradicate. Its small, inconspicuous leaves combined with an aggressive and fast growing root structure often disguise its presence until it's too late to combat its growth. Contact your local extension office for advice on exactly what caliber of heavy weaponry is appropriate for dealing with creeping sharia in your area.
The Garden Lady

not that Dewey October 7, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Unless the Sharia threat is being borne on termites…

user-of-owls October 7, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Orkin is this generation's Knights Templar.

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Keeping pests in their place for over 1000 years

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Semitephillis!! Allahrea!! Jehoverpies!!

Mumbletypeg October 7, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I think you've just given me the perfect vehicle to terrorize that handful of acquaintances who'd sooner backstroke the River Styx into Satan's open maw than let their children dress up and trick-or-treat like pagans. I oughta greet them next time I see them on the approaching yearly heathen-fest with "Happy Halal- ween!"

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 4:40 pm

You could repackage Hebrew National all-beef franks as Halal-Weenies.

PalinzADummy October 9, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Oh, brilliant!

Callyson October 7, 2011 at 9:16 pm

When you bite into a delicious pizza, succulent sandwich or luscious lamb chops, are you possibly eating food that has been sacrificed to idols?
Possibly, if by "idols" you mean "antigovernment fanatics who want to kill food safety regulations"…

Gorillionaire October 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm

My guess is that Ted Nugent just says whatever it is he says when he jacks off when he kills some meat.

HarryButtle October 8, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Elk steak marinated in Nugent semen? As good as elk is, I'm gonna have to pass.

chascates October 7, 2011 at 9:21 pm

So I've been eating this long enough to be a hadji. Big shit. There are plenty of real Muslims who drink, get high, and are pseudo-intellectual slackers. So I'm now part of the group the rightists hate most and am a native son!

As a 'idol-worshiper-by-fast-food' I'm like a beatnik, hippie, or bohemian without the penalty of trying to be original, funny, or basically, someone who does more than post here at Wonkette.

MaxNeanderthal October 8, 2011 at 4:24 pm

My old Turkish college pal could dispose of a bacon sandwich faster than a speeding tiger shark, and you don't want to know how many pints of Hicks Special Draught (aka "High Speed Death") he could get outside of either….

PalinzADummy October 9, 2011 at 2:10 pm

One of my dearest friends to whom we refer as Lal Achmed (Achmed the Red) says the thing he misses most about America, now that he's back in the Lands of Islam, is a ham sandwich. He was a two-fisted eater of pork products, and loved his wine, and now he can't have either. Of course, he makes up for it on his trips here.

weejee October 7, 2011 at 9:22 pm

This does not do a lot to assuage something that creeps into my consciousness from time-to-time; that being the idea that religion is the greatest threat to human existence.

chascates October 7, 2011 at 9:55 pm

It keepeth the poor from garotting the rich.

PalinzADummy October 9, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Indeed, it's the only thing that does.

Neoyorquino October 7, 2011 at 9:50 pm

"It's not what goes into your body that defiles you; you are defiled by what comes from your heart." – Jesus of Nazareth

Just saying' . . .

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Please, like Jesus knew anything about Christianity.

crybabyboehner October 8, 2011 at 1:30 am

Yeah, I hear he was Jewish.

horsedreamer_1 October 8, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Also, Nazareth — "you've been messin' with a son of a bitch". I like that better.

PalinzADummy October 9, 2011 at 2:47 pm

What does Jesus of Nazareth say to the likes of Dick Cheney, who *has no* heart?

Neoyorquino October 9, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Hmmm. Maybe something along the lines of either "everyone who exalts himself will be humbled" or " . . . the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the Kingdom of God before you." ?

PalinzADummy October 9, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Amigo, surely even JESUS wouldn't let Dick Cheney into the Kingdom of God? Please say it ain't so. I'd rather party down with every shrivel-dicked tax collector and stanky prostitute on the planet than have that Child of Satan Evilspawn anywhere near me, dead or alive.

Madam Killjoy October 7, 2011 at 11:05 pm

I think one of the main reasons the "Christian" Right hates Muslims (aside from Wingnuts being scaredy-pants in general) is that they are totally jealous of the way the Taliban types control their women. Fundamentalists be fundamentalists.

ManchuCandidate October 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Attention US Americuh botards!

The reason your meat tastes turrible (sic) isn't because it was sacrificed to Homo Jeebus Allah Jehovah. It's because there were a lot of health regulations removed thanks to Beef Producers including provsions about Mad Cow Disease. If you want to blame someone, it's more than likely your fellow Xtians.

BlueStateLibel October 8, 2011 at 12:01 am

I blame, Chemistry, making our lives better: http://www.dailyfinance.com/2010/01/04/ill-have-a

poncho_pilot October 8, 2011 at 4:35 pm
chicken_thief October 8, 2011 at 12:01 am

It's Obama's fault.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 8, 2011 at 12:04 am

The problem with all of this is that it is impossible to make good barbeque without some good demon-God fire.

El Pinche October 8, 2011 at 12:35 am

"Son, do you know where your meat has been?"

El Pinche October 8, 2011 at 1:31 am

"Inside a Palin?"

crybabyboehner October 8, 2011 at 1:20 am

Does the Backdoor Sharia come with anchovies?

a_pink_poodle October 8, 2011 at 1:52 am

Again? I thought we already did this a few years ag- oh wait, it's an election cycle. Carry on!

PuglyDoRight October 8, 2011 at 6:24 am

Either a) you don't believe in the other guy's religion so their blessings don't count, or 2) it's really all the same diety so who gives a shit.

Problem solved.

Tommy1733 October 8, 2011 at 7:41 am

Here is an interesting note from Wikipedia:
"The New Century Version of the Bible is a revision of the International Children's Bible. The ICB was aimed at young readers and those with low reading skills/limited vocabulary in English. It is written at a 3rd grade level (from the introduction) and is both conservative and evangelical in tone."

Aside from how funny it is that he uses this version of the Bible, the guy's comments are really out of context. The verse itself is about trying to welcome people of pagan (Roman) religions into Christianity and sort of mildly lecturing them on changing their eating habits, such as not drinking blood.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 8, 2011 at 9:39 am

Jesus says it's OK to eat food blessed by false Gods as long as you deep fry the shit out of it. USA is safe.

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 10:17 am

Geez, Fischer, WND, et al. If your religion is so frail that it can be undermined and brought down by Subway Sandwiches, perhaps it's time you found a new one. There are religions out there that have survived genocide, endless UAV-based holy wars, and institutionalized bigotry. You'd think that the "dominant religion" could survive an ingredient change in a fast food menu.

AJWjr. October 8, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Better yet, start your own. I mean it's nothing as life-and-death as old Coke vs new Coke or Classic Coke…

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 4:47 pm

What, are you suggesting that Americans are more devout about their various brand name allegiances than they are about religion, but then conveniently exploit their religions for political gain? pish posh.

HarryButtle October 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Domino’s, for instance, has been serving halal chicken for 10 years in 580 outlets across the fruited U.K. plan. Folks in hospitals, schools, and pubs across the U.K. have been eating food that has first been blessed in the name of the demon-God Allah but know nothing about it.

Despite eating all this (delicious) demon-blessed food, these people have not yet turned into evil, freedum-eating sharia muslins. Perhaps the blessing on your 34-cheese, extra meat, trashcan lid-sized dough frisbee makes no difference?

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Perhaps the subtle demon-god flavor interactions will become more apparent in Domino's new "Artisan" line of 34-cheese, extra meat, trashcan lid-sized dough frisbees, and an entire wingnut exurb population will eat a slice and spontaneously face Mecca and begin ululating in unison. It's possible.

CapnFatback October 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm

When you bite into a delicious pizza, succulent sandwich or luscious lamb chops

C'mon, Joe! If you're going to try your hand at the freshman writer trope of adjective-noun alliteration, you have to fully commit. I mean, is "palatable pizza" too hard? How about "delicious deep-dish"? Jeez.

Seriously, check out the writing chops of this "award-winning" "journalist" on the web site for his book, which offers such tantalizing "facts" such as

* Nagging wives are mentioned in Scripture
* Women's breasts are celebrated in the Bible
* Underwear didn't disintegrate despite 40 years of heavy use

Now THAT'S journalism!

owhatever October 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I'm not giving up my Hebrew National hot dogs. If I must go to hell, then I'll take a pack of kosher weinies with me.

And when is the Rickerhead going to denounce such pathetic utterances in public? Like, never. He will just get a hypodermic needle and stalk their daughters for their own safety.

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 4:57 pm

"Rickerhead" should become 2011-2012's "Santorum"

Pat_Pending October 9, 2011 at 12:09 am

They do answer to a higher authority… the hot dogs, not Goodhair.

BornInATrailer October 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Again, Halol.

Pat_Pending October 9, 2011 at 12:07 am

Is soylent green halal? Just askin'

not that Dewey October 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

5:5 Today, all good food is made lawful for you. The food of the people of the scripture (Jews & Christians) is lawful (halal) for you……

I'd have to say "yes", so long as it's processed Abrahamic people.

schvitzatura October 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm

These Musselmen and Joos could afford to be picky eaters, being as they were from Fertile Crescent climes, where the living was easy. This is why they got their asses handed to them eventually because of their non-Sus scrofa, shellfish-abstaining soft living.

It took the descendents of the Gallic and Teutonic tribes, who to survive, would scrape protein from sea rocks and consume mass quantities of rotten, parasite-ridden pork, to have the gumption to crawl up the tech ladder to subjugate these pansy eaters.

The triune god Birdseye/Pasteur/de Soto be praised!

DahBoner October 9, 2011 at 9:38 pm

backdoor Sharia

If Sharia won't do it, her sister will…

edconley7 October 10, 2011 at 5:48 am

Sharia in my pooper? NO WAY! AHHHH!!!!

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 12:39 am

I never want to think about that great circus tent of a woman in connection with dongs of any kind. Holy Jesus. Where's that spoon I keep just for digging out my eyes?

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 12:39 am

Thank you. Now that you've shared it with the rest of us, I wish I was dead too.

AJWjr. October 8, 2011 at 11:37 am

If you're anything like me, it's that grapefruit spoon, over there in the utility drawer.

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Thanks, AJ, you're a pal I can count on.

not that Dewey October 10, 2011 at 12:24 am

The one with the serrated edge? Yeah. That's the best.

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm

"Jesus, and his lawyer, are coming back."

-The Eels, Novocaine for the Soul

Hannah and her Sisters was during Woody's Ken-Layne-esque Prophet of Doom phase. I watched them — that one, Crimes and Misdemeanors, September, Another Woman — at the time, but I have an incredibly hard time going back and watching them again. He did have some comedies during that period, Radio Days and Broadway Danny Rose,in particular, that still stand up to repeated viewing. But those tragedies were just so darned painful.

Chet Kincaid October 8, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Apologies, I read your comment carelessly.

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

No worries, my friend, it's Saturday morning, and I hope you had a very enjoyable Friday.

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 4:26 pm

And after that phase, Purple Rose of Cairo, which I just loved for its variation on his story "The Kugelmass Episode" (Still haven't seen the somewhat similar-themed Midnight in Paris). And then there was the rather underappreciated Mighty Aphrodite, which had the best variation on a deus ex machina evar.

horsedreamer_1 October 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

President Camacho was a Jew, after all.

PalinzADummy October 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Ha! You must have a healthy little dyke community in your town.

Doktor Zoom October 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm

And their fielders are quick to the bag.

not that Dewey October 8, 2011 at 6:56 pm

If you were an evil genius with a secret lair in a volcano, you might never see a single, white Tishrei of sunlight.

Thurman Munster IV October 9, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Nah, it's the home of Scott Walker

horsedreamer_1 October 9, 2011 at 1:00 pm

His stooge that is under John Doe investigation is a Log Cabin renter, so don't scoff at the prevalence of lesbians in Sconsin.

Of course, the thing with the Log Cabin is they are joyless, avaricious shits, like money-cons , generally, who could best be classed as low sex drive, and worst as repressed. The kind of sex and partner doesn't matter, as long as the bank account is flush. Paper tops pussy/penis every time.

PalinzADummy October 9, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Those LogCabinLouts remind me of the Herman Cains and Michael Steeles. Why on EARTH would you want to belong to a club whose membership OPENLY states that they hate you and want to take away not just your rights, but your freedom and your life, if possible? Why?

Fookin' eejits, the lot of them.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: