the only god is moloch

Wingnuts Worried Their Anusburgers Sacrificed To Wrong ‘Demon-God’

Moloch! Moloch! Robot apartments! invisible suburbs! skeleton treasuries! blind capitals! demonic industries! spectral nations! invincible madhouses! granite cocks! monstrous bombs! Watch out, American Jesus fans! According to a couple of wingnuts somewhere, the poop-snausage pizza you’re eating from the Papa John’s might’ve been sacrificed to the wrong Demon-God! W-w-whut? It’s apparently true! Jews and Muslims, besides both being Semitic people of the Hebraic traditions, also like to have their factory-farmed animals killed in the industrial slaughterhouse by undocumented Mexicans in special ways. It makes it taste better, we guess? But did you know there is a scary problem for American Jesus Christians when meat is “lawful” for the various foreign religions? Some random anti-Muslim evangelical and a noted crazy person on the Internet are both concerned about this problem! For example, the Costco is doing “backdoor Sharia” by, uh, selling slaughtered animals that have been blessed by the Ayatollah or something? Not Costco, jesus christ!

From, obviously, World Net Daily:

When you bite into a delicious pizza, succulent sandwich or luscious lamb chops, are you possibly eating food that has been sacrificed to idols?

An outspoken American pastor says yes, and he’s sounding the alarm for Christians to be aware of the Islamic influence he calls “backdoor Shariah” now nibbling its way across the fruited plain.

See, we didn’t even make up “backdoor Shariah.” We didn’t need to.

It’s not just the Costco 200-packs of Halal Lamb Tacos that have the wingnuts up in arms. They can’t even go get their usual five or six “footlongs” from the Subway franchise these days, without maybe eating secret Muslim meat! Writes “award-winning journalist” Joe Kovacs at the WND website: “Connecticut-based Subway, which has more than 23,000 sandwich shops in the U.S. and nearly 34,000 worldwide, is proud to be offering halal food in communities where there’s a demand for it.”

Demand for it, eh? We’ve got two decade-old holes in the ground in the community of Manhattan that demand vengeance against these idolators’ cold cuts, that’s what!

The real problem, according to ridiculous ass-clown bigot Bryan Fischer, is that when you say the Jewish/Christian god’s name in the wrong Semitic language, that god instantly turns into a Hell Monster. This is probably in a recent rewrite of the Bible, or a Chick Tract!

In England, which is already an Islamic Republic, every type of anusburger or “bangers ‘n mash” are already worshiping the wrong make-believe deity:

Even fast-food joints like Domino’s Pizza, Pizza Hut, KFC, and Subway are using halal meat, but they aren’t telling their customers about it either. Domino’s, for instance, has been serving halal chicken for 10 years in 580 outlets across the fruited U.K. plan. Folks in hospitals, schools, and pubs across the U.K. have been eating food that has first been blessed in the name of the demon-God Allah but know nothing about it.

The demon-God Allah sounds so much more awesome than the faggedy-ass war-losing American demon-God, that’s for sure! We’ll have our chicken-butt nuggets Halal style … for winners! [World Nut Daily]

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    1. fuflans

      i first read this as 'backdoor sarah' and thought we were about to visited by the hordes again.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      Hello madam. My name is Jones and I'm a bible salesman. Is your husband at home? No? Well, perhaps I could show a good Christian woman like you some of my fine Bibles?

  1. Doktor Zoom

    Making sure that you are paying obeisance to the CORRECT invisible, easily-upset Sky Tyrant is also a matter of concern in the Republican primary:

    Robert Jeffress, a Texas megachurch pastor at the "Values Voter Summit," did Rickerhead Perry the dubious favor of introducing him as a REAL follower of Jesus Christ (as opposed to that one guy who belongs to a cult).

    “If you vote for Romney, don’t be under the illusion that you voted for a Christian,” he said. “I’m not saying that Romney is not a good person, but that he will not be saved.”

    EDIT: Also, too: Jeffress had a happy Mormon-bashing time afterwards with Bryan Fissure, who is of the opinion that the First Amendment only applies to Christians (and only the ones he thinks are Christians, for that matter):

    1. not that Dewey

      I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, “Religion: Which is the one true faith?''

      1. Doktor Zoom

        To these Pharisees, Jesus Christ himself would be found soft on doctrine. Dostoevsky had these people in mind when he wrote the Grand Inquisitor parable.

        1. not that Dewey

          Actual Jesus™ was a lost cause centuries ago. The internecine struggle among fundamentalists that is being precipitated by the 2012 republican race is resulting in some highly tragicomic purity tests. A cage match between Pat Robertson and Brian Fissure would be entertaining, on pay-per-view. I'd watch that. One too fat to move, the other too frail to stand up, each accusing the other of not being hateful enough.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            "But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers. Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

            –Max von Sydow, Hannah And Her Sisters

          2. not that Dewey

            "Jesus, and his lawyer, are coming back."

            -The Eels, Novocaine for the Soul

            Hannah and her Sisters was during Woody's Ken-Layne-esque Prophet of Doom phase. I watched them — that one, Crimes and Misdemeanors, September, Another Woman — at the time, but I have an incredibly hard time going back and watching them again. He did have some comedies during that period, Radio Days and Broadway Danny Rose,in particular, that still stand up to repeated viewing. But those tragedies were just so darned painful.

          3. Doktor Zoom

            And after that phase, Purple Rose of Cairo, which I just loved for its variation on his story "The Kugelmass Episode" (Still haven't seen the somewhat similar-themed Midnight in Paris). And then there was the rather underappreciated Mighty Aphrodite, which had the best variation on a deus ex machina evar.

    2. Pithaughn

      They are just getting ready for the day when hating the muslims get's old, and they will need a new scapegoat to beat up on. Note to minority Xrishtun sects, they have stockpiled an enormous quantity of ammunition, and the use by date is getting closer and closer.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      I'm convinced that Rick Perry is an utter, cynical phony as an Evangelical, and is playing these people like a Stradivarius. That's why I so love the idea of Perry as the Anti-Christ, because these pious simpletons have no clue that the Devil might be smart and devious enough to focus on deceiving THEM, rather than the "unbelievers." I know I'd get more jollies that way, if I was Beelzebub.

    4. Dashboard_Jesus

      boy how I DO enjoy a good *fake* jeebus fight betwixt the TRUE *believers*/ Morons/ megachurch whores…."nyah, nyah, my Jeebus is better than yer Jeebus" (and we all say AMEN!)

  2. Comrade Wingtard

    Nothing like a steaming dump of Wing Nut Daily to begin the weekend. I think I'll fire up the grill, hand crank the AM radio, gather up the $53.76 in gold bonds that is my life savings, and have a few 'halal' smashed rat asshole burgers now.

  3. PalinzADummy

    Jesus christ, what is this "fruited plain" shit, wouldja quit with the faggot jokes already, WingNutDaily?

      1. PalinzADummy

        Ah! I've never heard him, of course, so what do I know?

        I wish you hadn't said that about Clarence Thomas. Now all I can think of is him and doggy porn movies.

          1. PalinzADummy

            I never want to think about that great circus tent of a woman in connection with dongs of any kind. Holy Jesus. Where's that spoon I keep just for digging out my eyes?

          1. PalinzADummy

            I've heard of him, Chet, I've just never listened to his show or seen him on TV (was he on TV, ever?). I did see a clip of him once, mocking an actor with a disability, but I forget who it was, and when.

          2. PalinzADummy

            No worries, my friend, it's Saturday morning, and I hope you had a very enjoyable Friday.

  4. OC_Surf_Serf

    …when you say the Jewish/Christian god’s name in the wrong…language

    Yes, here in America the Supreme rulers' name are pronounced "Inc"

    1. Pres.Libunatic

      The problem is that in Arabic, "Allah" means "God" in both the Islamic and the Christian sense. SO WHICH ANGRY SKY GHOST ARE YOU PRAYING TO WHEN YOU SAY "ALLAH", HENNGH?

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I thought it was pronounced "mangia", as in "Eat this shit sandwich that Scalia has willed us in Bush v. Gore and Citizens United, and love it".

      As an aside, Scalia and Alito have done more to detract from Italian-Americans than Sacco, Vanzetti, the Five Families, and the cast of the Jersey Shore, combined.

    3. MaxNeanderthal

      So, saying it in anything other than ancient Aramaic makes them a – blasphemer!!! (NO one is to throw a stone, and I'll make this ab-so-lut-ley clear, until I blow this whistle, even if they do say "Jehovah")…..

  5. Doktor Zoom

    This sort of idiocy reminds me of the moron who, apparently feeling slighted by the very existence of Kosher salt, started selling "Christian Salt" a few years ago.

    (Useful note from the comments in the linked article: "All salt is kosher. Kosher salt would be more accurately called Koshering salt – it is used in the process of kashering meat, that is, salting meat to draw out the blood.")

    1. weejee

      Christian salting the meat is to put saltpeter in the school lunch so there will be no playing with the meat later in the day.

    2. PalinzADummy

      What cooks refer to as "kosher salt" is the salt that comes without added iodine, in large crystals. It's pure (no added substances) and the large-grain makes it better for marinades and, yes, koshering.

      I wonder what "Christian salt" is about. Clearly, the concept never caught on with professional (or even amateur) cooks. These people are truly insane. They know nothing, but react to everything.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      Also probably worth noting: It really doesn't look like this product ever went into production. The Googles don't seem to have any stories about it past the minor splash it made in 2009.

      Imagine that–someone actually found a Christian-related product that not even Fundamentalists would buy.

      1. not that Dewey

        So, the market has spoken. Where's your messiah, now, Godlewski?

        Can I just note the irony of a man named "Godlewski" making Christian-themed products? He probably insists that it's NOT pronounced "God-LESS-ki"

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Why would you want to ruin a perfectly good pizza with rancid fatty meat? It might be best to go with the veggie version.

  6. Pres.Libunatic

    For fuck's fucking sake.

    Let's just sacrifice every animal in the country in the name of Ahura-Mazda and be fucking done with it. Zoroastrianism got a bad rap with all that Persian pillaging…there's something to be said for fire worship, and letting the vultures pick your corpse clean on a Tower of Silence. Who could possibly be offended by fire worship? Oh wait, Bryan Fischer, that's who.

  7. Texan_Bulldog

    How dare Subway offer a product where there is a demand for it. That's not the way capitalism works…oh wait. I guess capitalism is only good when you're selling Budweiser, Skoal & Confederate flags at a Nascar event.

    And in the UK, I'm glad Allah has blessed their spotted dicks.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I wish the lesbians who used to run things at the Mayfair Mall food court Subway would have blessed my meatball.

        1. PalinzADummy

          They'd probably bless both of them, if you'd just put them on the counter.

          Of course, you prolly don't know this, but the standard Lesbian Blessing involves a baseball bat (makes thwacking motions), so, you know, be careful what you wish for, and all that.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            His stooge that is under John Doe investigation is a Log Cabin renter, so don't scoff at the prevalence of lesbians in Sconsin.

            Of course, the thing with the Log Cabin is they are joyless, avaricious shits, like money-cons , generally, who could best be classed as low sex drive, and worst as repressed. The kind of sex and partner doesn't matter, as long as the bank account is flush. Paper tops pussy/penis every time.

          2. PalinzADummy

            Those LogCabinLouts remind me of the Herman Cains and Michael Steeles. Why on EARTH would you want to belong to a club whose membership OPENLY states that they hate you and want to take away not just your rights, but your freedom and your life, if possible? Why?

            Fookin' eejits, the lot of them.

  8. iburl

    "'backdoor Shariah' now nibbling its way across the fruited plain."

    Weird Nut Daily has some sexy ass copy writers.

  9. Lucidamente1

    If the wingnuts think their anusburgers are halal, we may yet solve the obesity epidemic.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Two, four, six, eight,
      Time to transubstantiate!
      So get down upon your knees
      Fiddle with your rosaries
      Bow your head with great respect
      And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

      Tom Lehrer, That Was The Year That Was

  10. Come here a minute

    The only way good Amurcan Xtians can be sure is to go veg. (No, not "Go Vag" party, that's Berlusconi, and Mussolini.)

  11. coolhandnuke

    They can’t even go get their usual five or six “footlongs” from the Subway franchise these days, without maybe eating secret Muslim meat! Writes “award-winning journalist” Joe Kovacs at the WND website:

    Had to be an Oscar he was awarded.
    An Oscar Mayer.

  12. deelzebub

    Bryan Fisher is gonna be so pissed when he finds out the pigs-pigs-in-a-blanket I brought to the last church potluck were leftovers from the hogs I sacrificed to Quetzalcoatl. Now, where could I get my hands on one of these "granite cocks" of which the glorious and holy alt-text speaks?

    1. user-of-owls

      Filthy Aztecophile!

      Q'uq'umatz could beat Quetzalcoatl's skinny Nahuat ass any day of the week!

    2. Rotundo_

      There probably is someone out there making them out of granite, but the glass ones are more practical and purty.

  13. BlueStateLibel

    But have these burgers and sandwiches been blessed by Cthulu? Enquiring minds want to know.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            If only I were an evil genius with a secret lair in a volcano…then all the work could done by my minyans.

          2. not that Dewey

            If you were an evil genius with a secret lair in a volcano, you might never see a single, white Tishrei of sunlight.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I have a lot to atone for, but not as much as some people I could name. (Is that the proper spirit for the event?)

  14. fuflans

    bryan has such first world problems. i say we drop him in those FATA areas and see how fast he converts to halal meat.

  15. BklynIlluminati

    I opening a new fast food joint calling it Mephistopheles just to get all the protesting out of the way right in the beginning. Satan makes it his way human worms!

      1. user-of-owls

        "Whosoever does not jump from the highest mountain or refrains from eating poison fruit is blessed in the eyes of the All-Merciful."
        al-Mulk 69: 11-13

  16. Goonemeritus

    This is why I only eat meat at biker pig roasts. Come for the reign of terror ride stay for the Sharia free swine. You can almost feel the baby Jesus smiling on you.

  17. Guppy06

    Why do I get the feeling that he's cashing fat checks from the National Pork Producers' Council?

    "Pork: the other white American meat."

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      This is why the Spainiard's are so heavily into a pig based economy, i.e. to show that they weren't muslins after the reconquista -(true), in the time after they were the big bolloxed boys on the block, and before they got their assholes handed to them on a plate by the Brits/Dutch and the real Pirates of the Carribbean….

  18. BarackMyWorld

    This, like public prayer, is actually addressed in the Bible (1 Corinthians 8:4-6). As usual, the wingnuts got it wrong, and they're going to try and impose that wrongness on everyone they can.

  19. ttommyunger

    These backwoods 'Merikan Preachers are just pissed that they missed out on the payola gravy train that the Joos & Mooslems have been cashing in on for Centuries-that being the payola the Rabbis and Mullahs get for "inspecting/approving" preparation and handling of food items and products according to their religious law. All they have come up with is the occasional revival meeting, laying the Tithe guilt trip (which is noted nowhere in the New Testament) and of course the constant bleeding of the ignorant through the teevee machine. Pikers!

      1. ttommyunger

        No way anybody could list all the grifting that goes on inside these institutions behind the scenes and virtually unknown to all but the poor victims who have to pony up the payola.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      They are also the same idiots who want to do away with government food inspection laws – it's the damn gov'ment regulations that are killing jobs, and it's none of the gov'ment's business if my kid dies from e-coli!

    2. Callyson

      Yes, and they're disappointed by the success. These wingnuts won't be happy until the Fundies have a 100% monopoly on the planet.

    3. schvitzatura

      Until Clarence Birdseye, Louis Pasteur, Nicolas Appert, et al, made this anti-pork and shellfish eatin' all a bunch of silly unmodern hoohaw!

  20. user-of-owls

    For a bunch of people who desperately want to instill fear and dread, they sure use pretty pathetic verbs to describe the threat. If I wanted to scare the living shit out of someone about Sharia, for example, "creeping" and "nibbling" would not be my first choices.

    1. natoslug

      Would you prefer "gently licking" or "a light flicking of the tongue"?

      Backdoor Sharia, down on all fours, gently licked at my smoothly-shaven scrotum. The warmth of its tongue sent an intense burst of pleasure to my suddenly-turgid cock. I stared deeply into its eyes, only to be distracted by the gentle swaying of its 13 full breasts . . .

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Dear Comparative Theology Forum,

        I never thought that I would experience creeping sharia until the following incredible experience happened to me…

        1. user-of-owls

          Dear Garden Lady,
          Can you tell me what this plant is? This summer it absolutely devastated a bed of Buckeye Belle peonies that we've enjoyed for many years. Please help us!
          Bud & Flora in Sweetwater

          Dear Bud & Flora,
          The plant in the picture you enclosed is creeping sharia (Tyrannus Islamica), an invasive species that, once established, is nearly impossible to eradicate. Its small, inconspicuous leaves combined with an aggressive and fast growing root structure often disguise its presence until it's too late to combat its growth. Contact your local extension office for advice on exactly what caliber of heavy weaponry is appropriate for dealing with creeping sharia in your area.
          The Garden Lady

  21. Mumbletypeg

    I think you've just given me the perfect vehicle to terrorize that handful of acquaintances who'd sooner backstroke the River Styx into Satan's open maw than let their children dress up and trick-or-treat like pagans. I oughta greet them next time I see them on the approaching yearly heathen-fest with "Happy Halal- ween!"

  22. Callyson

    When you bite into a delicious pizza, succulent sandwich or luscious lamb chops, are you possibly eating food that has been sacrificed to idols?
    Possibly, if by "idols" you mean "antigovernment fanatics who want to kill food safety regulations"…

  23. Gorillionaire

    My guess is that Ted Nugent just says whatever it is he says when he jacks off when he kills some meat.

  24. chascates

    So I've been eating this long enough to be a hadji. Big shit. There are plenty of real Muslims who drink, get high, and are pseudo-intellectual slackers. So I'm now part of the group the rightists hate most and am a native son!

    As a 'idol-worshiper-by-fast-food' I'm like a beatnik, hippie, or bohemian without the penalty of trying to be original, funny, or basically, someone who does more than post here at Wonkette.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      My old Turkish college pal could dispose of a bacon sandwich faster than a speeding tiger shark, and you don't want to know how many pints of Hicks Special Draught (aka "High Speed Death") he could get outside of either….

      1. PalinzADummy

        One of my dearest friends to whom we refer as Lal Achmed (Achmed the Red) says the thing he misses most about America, now that he's back in the Lands of Islam, is a ham sandwich. He was a two-fisted eater of pork products, and loved his wine, and now he can't have either. Of course, he makes up for it on his trips here.

  25. weejee

    This does not do a lot to assuage something that creeps into my consciousness from time-to-time; that being the idea that religion is the greatest threat to human existence.

  26. Neoyorquino

    "It's not what goes into your body that defiles you; you are defiled by what comes from your heart." – Jesus of Nazareth

    Just saying' . . .

      1. Neoyorquino

        Hmmm. Maybe something along the lines of either "everyone who exalts himself will be humbled" or " . . . the tax collectors and the prostitutes are going into the Kingdom of God before you." ?

        1. PalinzADummy

          Amigo, surely even JESUS wouldn't let Dick Cheney into the Kingdom of God? Please say it ain't so. I'd rather party down with every shrivel-dicked tax collector and stanky prostitute on the planet than have that Child of Satan Evilspawn anywhere near me, dead or alive.

  27. Madam Killjoy

    I think one of the main reasons the "Christian" Right hates Muslims (aside from Wingnuts being scaredy-pants in general) is that they are totally jealous of the way the Taliban types control their women. Fundamentalists be fundamentalists.

  28. ManchuCandidate

    Attention US Americuh botards!

    The reason your meat tastes turrible (sic) isn't because it was sacrificed to Homo Jeebus Allah Jehovah. It's because there were a lot of health regulations removed thanks to Beef Producers including provsions about Mad Cow Disease. If you want to blame someone, it's more than likely your fellow Xtians.

  29. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem with all of this is that it is impossible to make good barbeque without some good demon-God fire.

  30. a_pink_poodle

    Again? I thought we already did this a few years ag- oh wait, it's an election cycle. Carry on!

  31. PuglyDoRight

    Either a) you don't believe in the other guy's religion so their blessings don't count, or 2) it's really all the same diety so who gives a shit.

    Problem solved.

  32. Tommy1733

    Here is an interesting note from Wikipedia:
    "The New Century Version of the Bible is a revision of the International Children's Bible. The ICB was aimed at young readers and those with low reading skills/limited vocabulary in English. It is written at a 3rd grade level (from the introduction) and is both conservative and evangelical in tone."

    Aside from how funny it is that he uses this version of the Bible, the guy's comments are really out of context. The verse itself is about trying to welcome people of pagan (Roman) religions into Christianity and sort of mildly lecturing them on changing their eating habits, such as not drinking blood.

  33. not that Dewey

    Geez, Fischer, WND, et al. If your religion is so frail that it can be undermined and brought down by Subway Sandwiches, perhaps it's time you found a new one. There are religions out there that have survived genocide, endless UAV-based holy wars, and institutionalized bigotry. You'd think that the "dominant religion" could survive an ingredient change in a fast food menu.

    1. AJWjr.

      Better yet, start your own. I mean it's nothing as life-and-death as old Coke vs new Coke or Classic Coke…

      1. not that Dewey

        What, are you suggesting that Americans are more devout about their various brand name allegiances than they are about religion, but then conveniently exploit their religions for political gain? pish posh.

  34. HarryButtle

    Domino’s, for instance, has been serving halal chicken for 10 years in 580 outlets across the fruited U.K. plan. Folks in hospitals, schools, and pubs across the U.K. have been eating food that has first been blessed in the name of the demon-God Allah but know nothing about it.

    Despite eating all this (delicious) demon-blessed food, these people have not yet turned into evil, freedum-eating sharia muslins. Perhaps the blessing on your 34-cheese, extra meat, trashcan lid-sized dough frisbee makes no difference?

    1. not that Dewey

      Perhaps the subtle demon-god flavor interactions will become more apparent in Domino's new "Artisan" line of 34-cheese, extra meat, trashcan lid-sized dough frisbees, and an entire wingnut exurb population will eat a slice and spontaneously face Mecca and begin ululating in unison. It's possible.

  35. CapnFatback

    When you bite into a delicious pizza, succulent sandwich or luscious lamb chops

    C'mon, Joe! If you're going to try your hand at the freshman writer trope of adjective-noun alliteration, you have to fully commit. I mean, is "palatable pizza" too hard? How about "delicious deep-dish"? Jeez.

    Seriously, check out the writing chops of this "award-winning" "journalist" on the web site for his book, which offers such tantalizing "facts" such as

    * Nagging wives are mentioned in Scripture
    * Women's breasts are celebrated in the Bible
    * Underwear didn't disintegrate despite 40 years of heavy use

    Now THAT'S journalism!

  36. owhatever

    I'm not giving up my Hebrew National hot dogs. If I must go to hell, then I'll take a pack of kosher weinies with me.

    And when is the Rickerhead going to denounce such pathetic utterances in public? Like, never. He will just get a hypodermic needle and stalk their daughters for their own safety.

    1. not that Dewey

      5:5 Today, all good food is made lawful for you. The food of the people of the scripture (Jews & Christians) is lawful (halal) for you……

      I'd have to say "yes", so long as it's processed Abrahamic people.

  37. schvitzatura

    These Musselmen and Joos could afford to be picky eaters, being as they were from Fertile Crescent climes, where the living was easy. This is why they got their asses handed to them eventually because of their non-Sus scrofa, shellfish-abstaining soft living.

    It took the descendents of the Gallic and Teutonic tribes, who to survive, would scrape protein from sea rocks and consume mass quantities of rotten, parasite-ridden pork, to have the gumption to crawl up the tech ladder to subjugate these pansy eaters.

    The triune god Birdseye/Pasteur/de Soto be praised!

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