INVISIBLE HANDJOB  3:45 pm October 7, 2011

Invisible Hands Shuts Off Libertarian Magazine’s Elevator

by Wonkette Jr.

The invisible hand wants all the people on Hoverounds to be hit by a bus.

Koch Brothers slash-fiction pamphlet Reason is sporting this sad-face note on its Washington headquarters today. (And why is Reason in Washington? The same reason the Koch Brothers live in magnificent New York City instead of a piece of dirt with no roads and sewer system in the middle of the Texas panhandle, we guess!) Anyway, it’s healthy to take the stairs, so let’s hope the Invisible Hand never turns this elevator back on. Photo via Wonkette operative “Joshua” on Connecticut Avenue.

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Hola wonkerados.

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Come here a minute October 7, 2011 at 3:49 pm

It's a reasonable bet that they all tried the elevator button before risking their lives on the long trip up the stairs.

Rarian Rakista October 8, 2011 at 3:37 am

Austrian Economics does not believe in deductive reasoning though.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 7, 2011 at 3:49 pm

It just not the same as farting in an elevator.

Rotundo_ October 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm

I don't know about that, crop dusting all the way up a stairwell can make it a pretty awful place to be for a short time. Perhaps not as in-your-face (specifically nostrils) but a relatively pungent way to leave your thoughts with them. If you get your timing down you can carpet bomb them anonymously as well, which adds to the fun.

AJWjr. October 7, 2011 at 8:57 pm

And every step forces out another note, a grand variant to the walking farts.

Rarian Rakista October 8, 2011 at 3:38 am

Oh, the horror of doing that on a weekend late night as a grad student only to come face to face with a lost freshman.

Mumbletypeg October 7, 2011 at 3:50 pm

This isn't really bad news for these Koch traffickers, accustomed as they are to riding on the backs of whiny fright-fetishists to get most anywhere.

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

"whiny fright-fetishists," eh? Is your *real* name Wonkette, Jr., by any chance? Or Kirsten Boyd Johnson, maybe? Hmmm?

Pres.Libunatic October 7, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Maybe it's Ken. Remember this line?

"Vinegar Joe Lieberman is the first actual clump of feces to serve in the U.S. Senate…"

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Yes, but Ken would manage to inject WAY more doom-'n-gloom into that phrase.

bumfug October 7, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a Hoveround up those fucking stairs?

weejee October 7, 2011 at 3:57 pm

No prob bumfug. The 'tards should just customize their Hoverounds with Darwin Award winning JATO packs.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 7, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I'm kinda partial to the Larry Walters solution for gaining altitude. Because "A man can't just sit around."

weejee October 7, 2011 at 4:47 pm

V572 does your handle have anything to do with environmentally friendly chain-saw lube?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 7, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Nah. The original handle (V572625…) was my Victoria's Secret machine-generated password. Now it's part of that plus a rebus to match the incumbent avatar.

Zombie_Reagan October 7, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Elevators are routinely inspected by Big Gub'mit…stairs are MUCH less socialist.

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:28 pm

To the stairs with the fat bastards, then!

snarkycomments October 7, 2011 at 3:55 pm

The advantage of the libertarian system is that if one elevator fails you can install a different elevator and let the two elevators compete in the marketplace.

Naked_Bunny October 7, 2011 at 6:51 pm

If Reason's employees don't like the elevators, they can always make their own elevator or move to another building with elevators they like.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 7, 2011 at 3:58 pm

The Invisible Hand of the Market™ wrote that sign in incorrigible ink.

Geminisunmars October 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I was thinking it had all the distinguishing marks of teabagger signage.

starfanglednut October 7, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Nah, spelled correctly.

emmelemm October 7, 2011 at 3:59 pm

As someone who lives in a newish condo building that had serious elevator problems, and having been on the Board while trying to fight Big Elevator…. I don't know where I was going with this.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 7, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Neither up nor down, perhaps?

emmelemm October 7, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Damn! That's a good one. The Force is strong with you today.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 7, 2011 at 4:22 pm

As a condo-dweller myself, I often wonder what conceivable benefit can inhere to being on a condo board. Helping your neighbors, yeah, yeah, sounds great. But how can you (legally) monetize it?

emmelemm October 7, 2011 at 5:04 pm

It has certainly been one of the shittier experiences of my life, and my mental health has suffered for it.

Also, whether you can legally monetize it or not depends on your condo's Declaration, and with ours (and most others), you can't.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 5:07 pm

But surely there is a lot of condo tail at those board meetings, just waiting to be seduced by your power?

emmelemm October 7, 2011 at 5:18 pm

{heavy HEAVY sigh}

First, I'm a lady. Second, about 50% of the people who live in my building are single women. Third, all of the people on the Board are women.

Also: in case you didn't know, women are BITCHES, man. Especially a bunch of them together, locked in a potential power-struggle situation.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 7, 2011 at 6:56 pm

The trick is to steer association work to favored (kickback-rendering) contractors, or so I’ve read. But that would be, as Nixon once said, wrong.

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Ah ha haha. Not that it stopped him from doing it.

Rotundo_ October 7, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Too many former dormitory rats leaving garbage cans full of water propped up against the inside of the elevator doors and sending them down a floor or two? Just look for the guys with a towel laid out in front of their doors to "block the drafts", those are the usual suspects.

SorosBot October 7, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Reason is forcing its employees to get exercise, just like that socialist Michelle Obama!

Rarian Rakista October 8, 2011 at 3:49 am

We have a self-taught libertarian in my bike club. For the first few rides he brought tubes, tools and you know what you need to get home if you run into problems on a long ride. Within a month he had stopped carrying the tools and last week he asked someone for a spare tube. Now, this must be said, he has made every conversation we have had with him tun on to Austrian economics or Libertarian bumpersticker-level philosophy but we mostly ignore him and talk about our other shared interest homebrweing.

So in the middle of nowhere a libertarian asks a Fabian socialist, a Green party member and a registered democrat if he could "borrow" a tube. The democrat lies and says he does not have one, the Green party guy goes off on his hypocrisy and the socialist just gives him the tube. When the libertarian asked later why the guy had just given him the tube, he replied " Need before greed, that is how society works " He never brought up libertarianism again. Well it has been 2 months.

Extemporanus October 7, 2011 at 4:02 pm

"Elevator out of Order Please Use Stairs."

Otis Shrugged, p. 13

CapnFatback October 7, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Beat me to the Otis reference with your clever invisible hands.

Barb October 7, 2011 at 4:05 pm

No biggie, the Koch brothers probably hired someone to walk up the stairs behind you and hum Kenny G music so that you felt like you were in the elevator.

Radiodead October 7, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I guess they'll have to use their invisible feet.

LettucePrey October 7, 2011 at 4:08 pm
RedneckMuslin October 7, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Elevators go up. Elevators go down. Don't know why. Sometimes they stop.

Radiodead October 7, 2011 at 4:10 pm

And here I thought the Paultards were all about getting highdraulic.

widestanceshakedown October 7, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Wow, I figured the Reason people just moved about by power of free will.

neiltheblaze October 7, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Well when you reason it out – they should be happy it's not July. Guys – just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and haul yourselves up the stairs without some nanny state people mover doing it for you!

edgydrifter October 7, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Please, please, please let the Reason office be on the 23rd floor of that building.

DrunkenPalmetto October 7, 2011 at 4:21 pm

What was the under/over on wheezing/heart attacks from Nick Gillespie today? Or did he work from "bed" today?

DaRooster October 7, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Just put one of those sticks of dynamite that everyone should get to carry around, stick it under the elevator, light it with your joint and *boom*… jump off at the Reason floor.

SayItWithWookies October 7, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Not on the top floor? Stuck in the elevator? Don't blame the rich — blame yourself!

not that Dewey October 7, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Brings to mind the Mitch Hedberg classic

I like an escalator. An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an "escalator temporarily out of order sign" — only "escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Sparky_McGruff October 7, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Obviously, he didn't ride the DC metro.

CapnFatback October 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm

So this is what the Invisible Hand is up to when it's not giving a long, sensual hanjo to the Chinese.

Jukesgrrl October 7, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Let's hope this wasn't K-Lo's day to "reason" with them that women shouldn't have the right to control their own bodies.

Callyson October 7, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Rand Paul will blame this on government regulations of elevators in 3…2…1…

Callyson October 7, 2011 at 4:47 pm

BUT–it turns out that this publication is covering OWS more fairly than some in the "liberal" media:
Occupy Wall Street: Beyond the Caricatures
Outsiders are criticizing a heterodox movement that they choose not to understand

Goonemeritus October 7, 2011 at 4:59 pm

And next week when they figure out that there is nothing wrong with the elevator I will be putting out of order signs on all of their bathrooms.

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:48 pm

You're cruel. I like that, in a person.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Thank God this didn't happen at NRO…, the ambulances would be around the block taking away the heart attack victims.

DashboardBuddha October 7, 2011 at 6:11 pm

"the ambulances Flatbed trailers would be around the block taking away the heart attack victims." -Fixed

K-Lo and Goldberg

Guppy06 October 7, 2011 at 5:12 pm

The invisible hand of the unpaid electric bill.

horsedreamer_1 October 8, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Oddibe Mc Dowell is more likely to pay his water bill.

SorosBot October 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm

So Reason employees are out of luck if they want to make love in an elevator, livin' it up while they're going down.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 5:19 pm


Beowoof October 7, 2011 at 7:16 pm

It is probably too much to hope for.

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:48 pm

That was simply irresistible.

starfanglednut October 7, 2011 at 5:22 pm

They're gonna have to take personal responsibility to get up those stairs.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 7, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Libertarians don't believe in printing out a sign in MS Word?
Wouldn't' the Free Market™ want them to do that?

Chillwaver October 7, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Elevators, how the fuck do they work?

Sparky_McGruff October 7, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Elevator goes up, elevator goes down. Never a miscommunication.

BTWBFDIMHO October 8, 2011 at 12:29 am

The Koch fiscally responsible stairs go up, the Paul fiscally responsible parachutes go down. Never a miscommunication.

tribbzthesquidz October 7, 2011 at 5:52 pm

If I had to work the shaft there I'd quit too. Not to mention all the shafts getting on and off. Me.

johnnyzhivago October 7, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Someone needs to put a "T" in front of their sign.

ManchuCandidate October 7, 2011 at 6:23 pm

It's regulations that failed the elevator and prevented the invisible hand from lifting up all cars.

ttommyunger October 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Reason? Yet another Right-Wing propaganda tool. I guess it's cheap to staff these outlets since they have no need of fact-checkers or proof readers; just throw it out there for the hungry masses wanting their ears and eyes tickled.

tihond October 7, 2011 at 10:31 pm

It just gave up when it heard Chris Christie was stopping by.

datateday October 7, 2011 at 11:22 pm

What about Ron Paul's space crane? Will that do the trick?

fuflans October 8, 2011 at 12:18 am


JustPixelz October 8, 2011 at 4:06 pm

The sad thing is the stairs are to the left, but they just couldn't bring themselves to send people in that direction.

mrblifil October 8, 2011 at 8:52 pm

What's with the urgent note? All they have to wait is for the Invisible Hand to find an entrepreneur ready to seize on this moment, and derive competitive advantage by designing and manufacturing elevators that never fail, because they were made out of John Galt's special perpetual motion machine parts. In the meantime they can just sit there in their own pee and poop, loving their freedom.

Ancient_Hacker October 10, 2011 at 8:25 am

So it's not enough to put an "Out of order" sign on it? It has to say "ELEVATOR out of order".

And that's not enough– they have to give explicit instructions to use the fall-back device.


Antispandex October 11, 2011 at 12:38 am

The real message here is that if the government didn't require inspections, it would have fallen to the ground floor, and people would be able to get on! Morans!!!!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 5:32 pm

So, where in Seattle is this condo full of bitchy, single women. I might be willing to take a loss on my house.

Part of my job is dealing with condo boards. It has convinced me that I'm very happy in my house in an old neighborhood with no HOA or others to report to. I do not envy you, although a condo board cat fight might be fun to watch.

emmelemm October 7, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Hmm… at the risk of being stalked by revealing too much, as it would be obvious what building I'm referring to, it's between Greenlake and the University.

No catfights, just glorious Seattle passive-aggressive thinly veiled insults.

Seriously, at one point I was like, "What the fuck? Is this real, or my perception?" Then, I went to the property tax website, where you can see a list of all units in your building, and the owners, and counted up how many owners I personally could identify as in this category, and ended up at minimum 50% of total owners being single women between the ages of 30 and 60.

PalinzADummy October 7, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Only if it involves white cotton panties, tickling, and somewhat unAmericanly slender females.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 7, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Don't worry about stalking, as that takes way too much energy. Anyway, I work on the waterfront and live in Tacoma, so you are in the wrong direction anyway.

You got to love Seattle passive-aggressiveness. I blame all the caffeine. You would think having good beer, wine and pot would help, but, no. You are still stuck with a knife held in a velvet glove., and then a long apology for the knife coming from a major corporation and not some first people community.

KenLayIsAlive October 7, 2011 at 8:14 pm

spanky2b just got a hard on and a google map of seattle

emmelemm October 7, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Viva Tacoma!

KeepFnThatChicken October 10, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Weird, because I always thought that you were a guy.

Now that I hear this, it just makes you a tranny.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 10, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Guy who likes to buy gifts for GFs. She's moved on to, though, where one may while away barely-safe-for-work hours.Sent from my iPad

KeepFnThatChicken October 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

You don't have to explain. I don't judge.


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