your 'job creators' at work

Florida GOP Rep. Wants Law Allowing Drunks To Throw Around Dwarfs

Why isn't this an Olympic sport already?Florida GOP state Rep. Ritch Workman’s got a hawt new job creation proposal to, er, bring back “dwarf tossing,” a bizarre bar sport thing where intoxicated idiots pay money to fling little people around the room like shot puts, to amuse the drunks. Florida outlawed this in 1989 for obvious reasons, which means that this is now, two decades later, somehow (?) Workman’s cue to whine about the “Big Brother government” forcing dwarfs to miss out on all these sweet human projectile jobs with its heinous socialist safety regulations. Because what else are little people going to do, get a “regular” nonexistent job like everyone else? Oh ha, that’s a good one. 

From the Palm Beach Post:

“I would never force anybody to take this form of employment or pay to watch it,” Workman said. “I think it’s repulsive and stupid. But it’s none of the state’s business if somebody wants to do this.”

Workman’s efforts to create employment opportunities for little people willing to be objectified as flying objects was not done after consultation with anyone eligible for this line of work.

“The people who were thrown were alcoholics with low self-esteem,” said Robert Van Etten, 62, of Stuart. “Many of them were injured. One committed suicide.”

Sure sure, but how about a little fairness, Rep. Workman? Nobody in Florida can find employment, so shouldn’t we let everybody who wants to be flung around by a roomful of screaming drunks go for the job? We smell an untapped market! [Palm Beach Post]

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    1. GOPCrusher

      If our Fore Fathers did not wants us to toss dwarfs, they would have put it in the Constitution!

  1. Come here a minute

    Now Obammer's coming for your dwarves. They can have my dwarf when they pry him from my cold, dead hands.

    1. DaRooster

      "Now Obammer's coming for your dwarves. They can have my dwarf when they pry him his cold dead body from my cold, dead hands."

    1. Walkinwiddaking

      You are correct. Any little person willing to be tossed around willy nilly should be drug tested. God bless America.

  2. FNMA

    It's about time. Now, they have to get tot work legalizing legislator-tossing.
    Out a window.
    Of a very tall building.

    1. iburl

      Or play poker for money. Or buy beer on a Sunday morning. Or build a mosque. Or do the wrong kinds of drugs.

  3. smashaduck

    Yo dummy, let's be careful to specify physical not intellectual dwarfs. Or don't. 'Cause I'd love to toss you and Scotty.

  4. spends2much

    Dear Florida,
    If I don't have a dwarf to toss, can I use a toddler? I mean, if he's down with it, and all. Big Guvmint shouldn't be telling children what to do either, right?

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    It's easy to understand why Tom Petty was so anxious to get the fuck out of FLA, all those years ago.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    The dwarf pictured has a safety helmet on, so I think all OSHA regulations concerning this profession are being met. At least the guy didn't have to work in the Amazon warehouse.

      1. PalinzADummy

        We need to string Jeff Bezos up unless Amazon starts paying their fucking taxes.

        Also, too.

    1. FNMA

      Whatever you do, don't Google "dwarfs" and "amazon."
      Or maybe go right ahead, if you're into that kind of thing…

      1. PalinzADummy

        I have no idea what you're talking about. Ha-rumph! All I see is endless listings for Snow White and the Seven Dwarves on Amazon, and a bunch of pointy-head articles on astronomy.

    2. V572-½‡‡‡‡‡

      Engnghng, we won't really know until we find out what the workmans' comp rate is. Roofers are 1.6.

  7. Fawkdifiknow

    When they outlawed dwarf tossing, then dwarfs became outlaws only. That's what happens when you tamper with the Bill of Rights like that.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Wait — if dwarf tossing is illegal, explain the recent announcements by Tim Pawlenty, Chris Christie and Sarah Palin.

  9. Sophist[Kochblocker]

    Next piece of proposed Republican legislation: legalizing donkey shows.

    Think of the jobs!

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I would never force anybody to take this form of employment or pay to watch it,” Workman said. “I think it’s repulsive and stupid. But it’s none of the state’s business if somebody wants to do this.

    You know, the same thing could be said about prostitution, and their is a lot more money in that. Why don't pimps and whores have better lobbyist? Where is James O'Keefe when he could be doing something actually useful?

    1. Pithaughn

      I would say that on the proverbial slippery slope, once this nonsense is legal, there is not much slipping to legalized prostitution. What part of his justifications for the proposed legalization of tossing would not also justify prostitution? We all know there are large numbers of 'merrcans forced to travel to foreign countries to test the bi-curious waters and other illegal or immoral sexy times. I see lot's of over seas jobs coming to our shores and a reduction in greenhouse gas emissions as less traveling is required, since Florida would have more houses of sex workers than Starbucks.

      1. PalinzADummy

        I doubt we'll ever attract major prostitution clients from foreign shores. Not THAT many chubby-chasers in the whole fucking world, and two out of every three of us is carrying around some major lard.

  11. lefty74

    Could some body please explain to me how the cow kicked the cabbage!
    What makes a road apple, a road apple?
    And is this purely a distance event or are there style points?

    1. James Michael Curley

      The late Molly Ivins always told the story about "How the cow ate the cabbage." I think its in one of her books but was an often asked for part of her far to few public appearances.

    1. donner_froh

      Is 131p a boundary limit in Intense Debate, like 32 feet per second squared or −273.15 °C?
      (Not that I spend too much time reading Wonkette and thinking about it or anything like that).

    2. Doktor Zoom

      It's OK as long as the drinking establishment provides no-cost, proportionally-scaled lodgings for the entertainers.

      They love those Stay-Free Mini Pads

    3. PalinzADummy

      And a good thing too, since nobody else has enough P-ness here to give you a timeout!

      Please tell me you really work at it. Or I'll have to come over and attempt to distill your blood or brain into small essence containers, for sale to Wonketteerz searching for that extra fillip to their snark.

  12. OC_Surf_Serf

    I think it’s repulsive and stupid

    Funny, that's what I say about Florida government….

  13. CapnFatback

    “The people who were thrown were alcoholics with low self-esteem,” said Robert Van Etten, 62, of Stuart. “Many of them were injured. One committed suicide.”

    I've seen that documentary on the hazards of this dwarf profession. I believe it was entitled The Day the Whistling Stopped.

  14. DaSandman

    In Florida they only have 5 brains that can be used by lawmakers. Probably not a good idea to talk to the press when its not your day to use the brain.

  15. SexySmurf

    Sure, it's legal to throw a midget around a bar, but I try to keep one as a pet and my landlord says I'm in violation of my lease.

    1. PalinzADummy

      You're not the cartoonist who's always doing those bizarre cartoons about the love-slave midget in the closet, are you?

    1. FlownOver

      You've hit on something. Is this, perchance, as close as Rep. Workman could get to public advocacy of his real objective — salad tossing?

  16. WhatTheHeck

    What kind of country is this where you can't drag people behind your pick truck? Big brother has gone too far.

    1. chicken_thief

      I was just wondering to myself that if there aren't any dwarfs in the vicinity, can I just toss my bitch? I mean, dwarfs may be more aerodynamic or something, but they are hard to fine. On the other hand, the gf is right there.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Yeah, well, if you're hoping for any nookie ever, for the rest of your life, I'd look for the dwarf, no matter how difficult.

    2. PalinzADummy

      As someone who constantly suffers the throes of unrequited love for both you and Barb, I objectify.

    3. Negropolis

      Come on, Lizzie, your basically average height for a woman. I know all of the magazines seem to think that every woman is 5'8", but they really aren't. lol

    4. Gunner Asch

      And here you've been describing yourself as short. My daughter is 4'10" and wasn't even on the growth charts as a kid. Only when she found a car with adjustable gas pedals was she able to lose the set of pillows to position herself in the driver's seat. She was great at hide 'n seek and could fit in a 5-gallon bucket up through middle school. I'm guessing the lack of nutrition before she was abandoned in Korea had something to do with it. How bad does it have to be before you have no enamel on your teeth?

  17. OneYieldRegular

    Republicans throwing around little people requires legislation? I thought it was just business as usual.

    1. chicken_thief

      What?!!!! There are some states where it is ILLEGAL to fuck chickens? ***oh, shit*** What about catfish?

  18. axmxz

    For an encore, Workman proposed several initiatives to boost whorehouses and organ harvesting organizations, because it's none of the state's business if someone chooses to make money using their various orifices and/or organs.

    1. zhubajie

      Probably coming in a year or two. I'm surprised Ron Paul hasn't tried to legalize selling your kidney.

  19. freakishlywrong

    Well, this will at least make Disney World somewhat tolerable. I'm lookin' at you Sneezy.

  20. Rosie_Scenario

    Just when I think the state of Florida has reached bottom, someone (usually an elected official) comes up with something like this. I've lived here for 21 years, but it will never be "home."

  21. widestanceshakedown

    Yes, let's unleash the power of drunks to kick-start this economy, one tiny crushed skull at a time.

  22. freakishlywrong

    Being a resident of Florida, America's dingus™, I simply burst with fucking pride daily.

  23. fartknocker

    This is another Teatard mortgage broker who also voted to cut unemployment benefits to Floridians from 26 to 20 weeks to help promote business.

    He was probably one of those sons of bitches handing out NINJA (No Income No Job No Assets) loans who promulgated the greatest financial collapse since the Great Depression. Now he wants to legalize tossing little people.

    I'd rather take his sorry ass to the Bermuda Triangle and toss him in the Atlantic to watch him disappear.

    I don't live in Florida but this form of hypocritcal shit stain just drives me to drink. So I drink a lot.

    OT: That fucking anti-christ Westboro Church from Wichita will protest at Steven Jobs funeral according to Twitter. Assholes. The irony of it is that Margie Phelp wrote the Tweet on damn I-Phone. She's got the intelligence of a clothes hanger.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Jezus. We might well have seen the last of the Westboro assholes. They're about to piss off Steve Jobs' fanboy club. Which is fucking huge, and very tech-savvy.

      Take 'em down, boyzngirlz!

  24. ttommyunger

    So, the headline will read: "Mental Midget Supports Jobs for Actual Midgets at World's Largest Old Folks Home."

        1. PalinzADummy

          Added bonus: the only people who will ever attempt to inflict their presence on me will be those smart enough to 'get it.' The rest will be too confoozled to bug me.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      it's not as nearly as good as really good strength, agility and charisma stats. But it beats being an NPC.

  25. El Pinche

    Hmmm, this is suspicious. This progress is too to be true. What kind of pork is attached to this bill?

  26. BornInATrailer

    And upon reading this, Peter Dinklage feels a renewed sense of gratitude over his recent spike in acting work.

  27. crybabyboehner

    Have you ever been to Florida? There is literally nothing else to do there except throw dwarfs.

    1. PalinzADummy

      I'm reliably informed that if you're a FL state legislator, there is also plenty of hot'nsweaty action bribing black cops to let you suck their dicks in public terlets. 'Course, you get arrested and stuff, but hey.

        1. PalinzADummy

          What WAS that guy's name, anyway? I wanna say "Bob," but they might have just called him that because that's what he liked to DO.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Geezus, and he's ugly as fucking sin. And claims he offered to suck the cop's dick because he was scared. Hmm … imagine the sexaytime fun and games you could have with that. C'mere, honey, I'll pretend to be a cop and scare you.

    1. PalinzADummy

      FL's chock-full of pervs, so please don't offer to toss the entire state. They'll all bend over, en masse.

    1. PalinzADummy

      This – OW! – legislation – OW! – will – OW! – free our job creators – OW! OW! OW, MY BALLZ!

      You're right, it would work.

  28. Naked_Bunny

    To be fair, the guy also sponsored a bill that makes it no longer illegal for unmarried couples to openly associate and live together.

  29. x111e7thst

    They got little hands
    Little eyes
    They walk around
    Tellin' great big lies
    They got little noses
    And tiny little teeth
    They wear platform shoes
    On their nasty little feet

    Tossing is too good for them

  30. Naked_Bunny

    While I understand where Workman is coming from, if he's going to be ideologically consistent, he also needs to favor ending the drug war, legalizing gay marriage, and allowing prostitution (outside the statehouse).

  31. Guppy06

    “I would never force anybody to take this form of employment or pay to watch it,” Workman said. “I think it’s repulsive and stupid. But it’s none of the state’s business if somebody wants to do this.”

    How about strip clubs?

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Naked dwarf tossing with bacon grease, and stripper cheerleaders.

      Don't look at me that way! You put the image in my head.

      1. prommie

        This is working for me; regular old strip clubs do nothing for me, its an awkward situation, trying to drink a beer while some naked chick shakes her parts in your face. I mean, she's working, you are off, she's naked, you have clothes on, the situation is so unequal. But strip freak shows, that would be something, it would break the ice, you're not just looking at a naked lady, you are looking at a naked airborne greased dwarf, you have a non-sexual excuse for staring.

        1. Guppy06

          "I mean, she's working, you are off"

          That's an easy enough problem to solve: be a Republican fundraiser and write it off as a business expense.

    2. imissopus

      Are you kidding? Those are the backbone of Florida's economy. Besides, no way the GOP wants them outlawed before the '12 convention in Tampa.

      1. Guppy06

        A lot of towns around here won't let you serve alcohol alongside full nudity, though, which kind of defeats the purpose somewhat in one's pursuit of booze and boobs.

        Local law can't keep you from carrying a gun into city hall, but it can stop you from looking at nipples while sloshed.

    1. prommie

      Imagine the competition for that job? I wonder if being named "Otis" would give you an advantage?

  32. real_dc_native

    We need more jobs? Let's institute my favorite (imaginary) sport: Launching legislators into the reflecting pool using a gigantic sling shot. If we run out of legislators we could use bankers , then lobbyists, or maybe the other way around.

  33. BarackMyWorld

    Strip clubs were outlawed in Missouri last year, causing the loss of thousands of jobs and many businesses to close. WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE???

    1. littlebigdaddy

      One the saddest things I have ever seen was driving along I-70 between KC and St. Louis and seeing all those empty strip bars. Oh the humanity!

  34. BlueStateLibel

    In all fairness, I would like to see a law allowing Kodiak grizzly bears to fling around Florida GOP State Rep. Ritch Workman. Come on, those bears need jobs too!

  35. Indiepalin

    If this initiative fails to become law, Bear-baiting would seem to be the best alternative.

  36. SoBeach

    I almost, ALMOST live in his district. Ha!

    Workman represents the TruckNutz ™ side of the county.

    I live in the Hoveround side.

    Every day is just better than the last.

  37. Redhead

    "bring back “dwarf tossing,” a bizarre bar sport thing where intoxicated idiots pay money to fling little people around the room like shot puts, to amuse the drunks. Florida outlawed this in 1989 for obvious reasons"

    Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??? I read about this in a Carl Hiasson novel, but I thought it was Carl being, well, Carl. You mean this was really a thing? For real?

    1. SoBeach

      Oh yeah. It's as real as the early bird special at Friendly's.

      Matter of fact, dwarf tossing is even mentioned in our state song "Old Folks At Home" ("Swanee River"). I think it's the verse after the one about the "Darkies".

    2. zhubajie

      I've always assumed that most of what I read in Hiaasen was as real as a heart attack! He does work for a Florida newspaper.

      1. Redhead

        To be fair, so does Dave Barry, and I'm PRETTY sure that about 24% of what HE writes is made up…

  38. metamarcisf

    To show our support for limited government, please give Rep. Workman a call at (850) 488-9720 and congratulate him on his loyalty to the constitution.

  39. Antispandex

    It's a little odd that the right-wing nuts don't extend the same logic to people who want to sell, or use, weed, or enage in prostitution…well you know, I mean openly…with quality hookers.

  40. littlebigdaddy

    But will there be a special license plate to go along with it, like they have for manatees and fetuses?

  41. DashboardBuddha

    Hey now…that little fella in the picture is smiling and giving us the thumbs up. It can't be all that bad else he wouldn't be smiling and giving the thumbs up.

    Also…Cuddles of the Oddballs with his "Official Missle"…creepy description or awesome band name?

  42. Tundra Grifter

    If memory serves (and sometimes it just double-faults) the dwarf pictured in that newspaper article is Wee Robbie.

    Please don't ask me how I remember that.

  43. Chet Kincaid

    Michael Vick had an entire dwarf-tossing arena built at his mansion! Roethlisberger's entourage would corner dwarves in the bathroom so he could toss them! Plaxico Buress tossed a dwarf and shot him in the air! These arrogant athletes make me so damn mad, they should be force-fed Red Bulls and beaten until they throw footballs into each other's faces to the death!!

  44. Negropolis

    Florida GOP Rep. Wants Law Allowing Drunks To Throw Around Dwarfs

    Let me guess before even reading this: 'Cause freedom, right?

  45. tessiee

    It seems rather unsporting to pick on someone much smaller. I suggest a compromise, where five or six muscular individuals pick up Newt Gingrich and hurl him with great force.
    Preferably into the Cuyahoga River.
    While it's on fire.

  46. widestanceshakedown

    Yeah, what's up with that? My comments are as lame as they've ever been, but my p is unchanged. Someone said that the larger the p-ness (shush you in the back), the harder it is to increase. Whatevs.

  47. James Michael Curley

    Bout the same time they yanked the down thumb. By the way did I ever tell you what would happen when my grandfather asked me to yank his thumb?

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