SEX GAMES GONE AWRY  4:01 pm October 5, 2011

Nikki Haley Will Fix Stuff Right After Finishing These Fake Report Cards

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

But she gets an South Carolina governor Nikki Haley — last seen demanding full cooperation from her miserable state employees’ souls with a demented Orwellian decree that they answer their office phones cheerfully or else — has very few actual ideas about how to improve the nosebleed-inducing altitude of the state’s unemployment rate, so she’s trying some role-play with legislators to …eh, pass the time, mostly. In today’s stupid fantasy-turned-policy scenario, she is the Embittered School Marm who issues “report cards” to all state lawmakers grading them according to how much they annoy her. Most Democrats got an “F,” for “fuckers,” and Republicans mostly got A or B grades and, notably, not a single F. Kinky?!

The Columbia Free-Times has the gross details on this bizarre sex scheme:

Haley graded lawmakers by how they voted on such legislation as on-the-record voting, tort reform, government restructuring and whether or not they’d sustained her vetoes, among other votes. The outcome was predictable and fell along partisan lines.

All of the Fs Haley awarded to members of the Senate, for instance, went to Democrats, including her 2010 gubernatorial rival Vincent Sheheen of Camden. Williamsburg County Democrat Yancey McGill got an A. Incidentally, McGill was the only Democrat to stick up for Republican Lt. Gov. Ken Ard during his ethics troubles.

So what do the “A” grade-winners get? A gentle spanking from Mark Sanford, wherever that weirdo is? A free licking from a Craigslist rent-boy? WHAT WILL IT BE, because there must be a reward, or this is pointless.

And here is the only winning quote we would give an “A” to in this dumb tale of tragedy:

Fairfield Democratic Rep. Boyd Brown had a contentious relationship with Haley throughout the legislative session. He had even been turned away at a summer pool party held at the Governor’s Mansion that lawmakers had been invited to attend.

So, naturally, Brown might not have been surprised when he received an F on his report card from the governor. But speaking to Free Times, he didn’t hold back.

“She’s been busy F-ing the rest of the state,” he said. “I’m not surprised that she F-ed me.”

The voters of South Carolina also kind of agree! Haley’s approval ratings have been slipping the last few months, which earns her a public grade of “you suck.” [Free-Times]

 
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{ 242 comments }

metamarcisf October 5, 2011 at 4:04 pm

May an unclean yak leave a gift in her galoshes.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Ah b'leev that would be her older child, Giftin'.

nounverb911 October 5, 2011 at 4:05 pm

So that's how she graduated from Bamberg High.

mookwrthwilson October 5, 2011 at 4:11 pm

It's very sad that she is from the same place as my avatar and namesake…very sad…

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Well, it sure as hell ain't HIS fault!

DaRooster October 5, 2011 at 4:59 pm

"Bam" is probably how she graduated…

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Is that the kinda "Bam" that comes after a "Wham" and before a "Thank you"?

horsedreamer_1 October 5, 2011 at 8:48 pm

I thought it meant she plied the school superintendent with cocaine.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 8:50 pm

You kidz with your drug-related hip slangs.

Cat_Damon October 5, 2011 at 4:05 pm

“She’s been busy F-ing the rest of the state,” he said. “I’m not surprised that she F-ed me.”

AWESOME.

powersuit October 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

It's a beautiful day to be Boyd Brown!

Blueb4sunrise October 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I just sent him a complimentary message. Looks like out-of-staters can do that.
http://www.scstatehouse.gov/members/bios/02113636

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Thanks for the link. I gave him some love.

HipHop0Potamus October 5, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I'd F Boyd Brown after that comment.

Sue4466 October 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Fairfield Democratic Rep. Boyd Brown. Hero!

Barrelhse October 5, 2011 at 4:49 pm

A regular nymphomaniac, ain't she?

Lascauxcaveman October 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Hell, if I'd have met her in a bar some night, not knowing who she is, I'd have probably F-ed her.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Srsly? Not too bony in the ass and krayZ in the eyes?

Fare la Volpe October 5, 2011 at 6:25 pm

The best part is that she looks like white meat but tastes like dark meat.

…I'll go sit in the corner.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:42 pm

I'll go witchu. I was thinking it, you said it.

horsedreamer_1 October 5, 2011 at 8:49 pm

She can curry my favor.

emmelemm October 5, 2011 at 5:38 pm

My hero! {swoon}

(Seriously.)

Barb October 5, 2011 at 4:06 pm

"He had even been turned away at a summer pool party held at the Governor’s Mansion…."
Yeah, it's one thing to pee in the pool and yet another to do it from the high dive. BANNED!

An_Outhouse October 5, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I can't imagine wanting to go that bitch's house even if I was invited. What was he thinking?

MOG2410 October 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Free booze?

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Maybe he wanted to leave a "Baby Ruth" in the pool.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 5, 2011 at 4:35 pm

You Spacklered my Caddyshack ref!
~

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Actually, I think you beat me by a minute, but I hadn't got that far down the page when I crapped in your swimming pool.

littlebigdaddy October 5, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Cabana boyz!

Native_of_SL_UT October 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm

He was thinking about F'n.

nounverb911 October 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm

The last good thing to come out of South Carolina was Brett Gardner.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm

As I recall, Gov. Haley liked to F alot.

Sassomatic October 5, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Whoa whoa whoa. Bestiality, too?

Nostrildamus October 5, 2011 at 5:02 pm

No, that's for the atheist pervs in Washington State:
http://www.conservapedia.com/Washington_state_and

horsedreamer_1 October 5, 2011 at 8:51 pm

She likes chunky bloggers, which is, of course, good news… For Jack Steuf.

SorosBot October 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Are we sure Darling Nikki is a grown woman and not a 12-year-old girl?

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Conservative women seem emotionally and intellectually stunted, and cast as real-life Heathers.

SorosBot October 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm

She fakes just like a woman
Yes, she does, she makes love just like a woman
Yes, she does, and she aches just like a woman
But she governs the state of South Carolina just like a little girl

ProgressiveInga October 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm

No.

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Yes, and shouldn't she have a red dot on her forehead???

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Nope. That just makes it easier for crackpots to draw a bead.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 5, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Just because she writes all of her political positions out first on her Pee-Chee with litttle hearts besides them….

stew1 October 6, 2011 at 7:11 am

I knew a girl name Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in the hotel lobby masturbating with magazines.

That brings back memories (the song, I mean).

Callyson October 5, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Orwellian decree that they answer their office phones cheerfully or else
"It's a beautiful fucking day in South Carolina, how may I help you?"
Say it with a smile…

Barrelhse October 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm

"It's beautiful. Just. Fucking. Beautiful."

comrad_darkness October 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

"It's a beautiful day in South Carolina. In fact, I'd give it an F. An Effing day in South Carolina. How may I help you?"

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 5, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Ah, South Carolina, Arizona thanks you for taking some of the light off of its stupidity.

Callyson October 5, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Also: why won't Nikki Haley release her transcripts?
Long form!

nounverb911 October 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

And her marriage certificate.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:38 pm

What transcripts? Although she supposedly attended college, there's no record of her graduating. Although her degree is in accountancy, she is not a licensed accountant. She has never held a real job — her only "job" of record was her employment at her parents' business, where she *routinely* filed their taxes LATE, thereby making them liable for penalties. She claimed to be a small business owner in her campaign, yet she's never owned or run a business. And she has ALWAYS filed her own personal taxes late. Someone ought to examine her finances. Her income tax returns are not consistent with her VERY expensive (for her state) house, her huge, expensive car, and her lifestyle.

horsedreamer_1 October 5, 2011 at 8:53 pm

She's head of a pyramid ashram scheme.

deleted1797764 October 5, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I wonder if Michele Bachman was at that pool party? Those 2 seem like they would be besties.

DerrickWildcat October 5, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I got an F in P.E. and Study Hall.

MOG2410 October 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I only got F'd in the parking lot.

ProgressiveInga October 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I got F'd up every day before band practice. Holla!

DaRooster October 5, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I was told before our Bio final by this girl that used to copy from me,"I studied for 3 hours last night."
I replied,"I just studied for 3 beers in the parking lot."

Got a 96…

Lascauxcaveman October 5, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Funny you should mention that. I wasn't all that hot on math in high school, but the night before my pre-calc midterm in my senior year, my new girlfriend had tickets to see Rush at the Seattle Center Colisseum, so we drove two hours to Seattle, smoking dope all the way over (my first time!) and it turns out it was laced with something which was providing me with some pretty exhilarating hallucinations for about 20 minutes there, sat in the seats at the Colisseum (we were way to f'ed up to stand down on the floor) passing and catching doobs all during the show, then drove two hours back home, getting to bed around 3am.

I got a 96, too. My best math test score I ever got, in high school.

DaRooster October 5, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I studied for one test in my life… 6th grade… gotta C-… gave that shit up pronto.

lowaltflier October 5, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Nikki can F me anytime she wants.
In a Kama Sutra kind of way that is.

ProgressiveInga October 5, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I wouldn't F her with your Kama or your Sutra.

Chillwaver October 5, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Is Nikki acting like a crazy High School principal again?

Barrelhse October 5, 2011 at 4:52 pm

That one on xHamster?

Chillwaver October 5, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I was actually naive enough to Google that…little did I know…might as well Google "Santorum" next time.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:32 pm

And I, of course, just HAD to see what all the foofaraw was about. (digs out eyes with a spoon)

Carry on.

ManchuCandidate October 5, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Projecting dipshit projecting own failings onto others.

An_Outhouse October 5, 2011 at 4:12 pm

She can F me any time.

Eve8Apples October 5, 2011 at 4:12 pm

What a mother F'ing cunt.

Goonemeritus October 5, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Only slightly more relevant than Idi Amin grading his Cabinet exclusively on how they tasted.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 5, 2011 at 4:16 pm

He had even been turned away at a summer pool party held at the Governor’s Mansion that lawmakers had been invited to attend.

Reminds me of a certain scene from Caddyshack.
~

Geminisunmars October 5, 2011 at 4:39 pm

It's no big deal.

Limeylizzie October 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I would "F " Boyd Brown for that outstanding piece of snark. Well played , Sir.

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Let me check his file photo first. . .then maybe I'll join you Limey.

Limeylizzie October 5, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Darling we can just give him a fuck with the lights out , if he's ugly, he is deserving of some love for that wonderful retort.

baconzgood October 5, 2011 at 4:18 pm

You got a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op.

Maman October 5, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Glad to hear that she is putting her time to good use.

slowhansolo October 5, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I bet her handwriting features cute little hearts for periods and i-dots.

snackypants October 5, 2011 at 4:34 pm

For your edification, the i-dot is called a "tittle."

jqheywood October 5, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Fontastic!

slowhansolo October 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm

One of those instances where (half-assed) creative license is not actually funnier than the correct term.

Chichikovovich October 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Yes, along with the line through a "t" (a "jot") it's the source of the phrase "every jot and tittle", which entered common use through Matthew 5:18.

No snark, here. Just 100% solid, factual information.

snackypants October 5, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Knowing others care about jots and tittles is of great comfort to me. No snark here as well.

DaRooster October 5, 2011 at 5:39 pm

So the old saying should be-
"Jot your Ts and tittle your Is."

AJWjr. October 5, 2011 at 8:58 pm

No snark, here. Just 100% solid, factual information.
Just like in the rest of the bible, right?

Gleem_McShineys October 5, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Apparently there are many who know all about Nikki Haley's tittles.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Yeah, knowing her, she dipped the pen in her menstrual blood first, straight from her cunt. Fucking slag. Oh, sorry, is my bitterness and rage showing?

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Good God! Try to think of pleasant and joyful things, goddamnit!

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Coming from you, Chet, that's noteworthy.

JustPixelz October 5, 2011 at 4:20 pm

It's a great day in Wonkette!

I don't have any facts to back this up, but it is my belief most Repubicans don't know there are grades above "F".

There are going to be some pretty upset parents in SC when their kids bring home those grades. "No dessert for a week, young man."

The Repubicans got A's because they had someone else do their homework. Some may call it cheating, but they are happy to call it "getting help from a lobbyist."

Tundra Grifter October 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Governor! Governor Haley!

I've been bad. Really, really bad.

Weenus299 October 5, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Trust me, up close she has mortician's pancake. Not the prettiest thang in the world.

DaRooster October 5, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Well, she can just smudge it on the pillow then…

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Er … I'm probably going to regret this forever when you tell me I'll have to look it up in the Urban Dictionary, but … what is "mortician's pancake"?

HistoriCat October 5, 2011 at 5:45 pm

I'm no expert but I think that's the stuff they put on dead people prior to funeral home viewings. It gives them that "lifelike" look.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Well, at least, thank TPTB, it's not some hideous new sexual perversion of which I had hitherto never heard and which I would regret knowing anything about for the rest of my born days.

horsedreamer_1 October 5, 2011 at 8:55 pm

I brought my… pencil
Give me something — to write on

ShaveTheWhales October 5, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Give me a break, Dave.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Meh. Texas Monthly magazine has been doing this, in a non-partisan manner, for decades.

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2011 at 4:40 pm

But to get if from the State's CEO (as we are now calling it?)

Indiepalin October 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Nikki Haley: the GOP poster child for wife-tasting.

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 6:27 pm

In India, when the wife gets close to the stove, one little push is all it takes and poof! All that polyster and ghee goes up in flames fast…

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Aare baap-re!

baconzgood October 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Is this on the Bell Curve? 'Cause I test well when I'm tanked.

Tundra Grifter October 5, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I'm pretty busy cramming for my drug test. I heard it's multiple choice.

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Just the other day, they wanted me to take a drug test for a job and I told them that I was going to pass with flying colors.

Because I know a LOT about drugs….

Tundra Grifter October 5, 2011 at 7:01 pm

DB: That's the kind of on-the-job drug testing I could support. I could tell 'em "This is bunk" or "This is some good shit."

If that would help.

Salacious Crumb October 5, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Mandatory drug testing has a whole new meaning when you work for Ed Rosenthal I hear.

HistoriCat October 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Why is Boyd Brown in the state legislature? He should be in Congress!

Monsieur_Grumpe October 5, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Why isn't she running for president? She seems just as qualified as the rest of the candidates.

MrFizzy October 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Maybe more so – she appears to know at least five letters of the alphabet.

Weenus299 October 5, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Think about what's in Mean Girl Flunktard Haley's slambook at school.

FakaktaSouth October 5, 2011 at 4:26 pm

This is so stupid and it makes her look stupid in a weirdly feminine way, and I don't like that – she's not a child playing school, and this is political bullshit timewasting. ANYway, I do not like her and in the spirit of this stupidity, I am going to make fun of the way she looks.

Shut up Big Nose. Where are you from, Nose City? (Monty Python? Anyone?) She sucks.

Barrelhse October 5, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Is that your fucking nose, or are you just happy to see me?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:44 pm

According to all the guys who have recently been busted for "sinning" with her, you're right. She does.

littlebigdaddy October 5, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Fry and Laurie: her nose makes her look like a very large-nosed animal.

Radiodead October 5, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Needs moar Kaizen. Or whatever the petty middle manager bureaucrat's Management Du Jour theory is this week.

Toomush_Infer October 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Pretty sure this is a new low for reality tv – but I have no f ing facts to prove it….

donner_froh October 5, 2011 at 4:29 pm

So that's what Haley Barbour has been doing recently–lost about 300 pounds and got a sex change. Still dumb as ever, though.

SayItWithWookies October 5, 2011 at 4:30 pm

This is why Nikki Haley is the kinder gentler teabagger — she gave out Fs instead of little crosshairs.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 4:31 pm

How in the fuck does she think a legislature works?! They exist to return votes a Governor likes? When these Southern fucks and their Sikh/Hindu wanna-be-White-Christian tools get done driving the blacks and hispanics off the voter rolls, they might want to gin up a civics test for elective office, too.

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Chet, you a little angry today?

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 4:47 pm

That makes me different from the average Wonketeer how…?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Oh, let's see … gimme a few weeks to come up with something?

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 4:49 pm

He seems normal to me…

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Chet and Baldar are above normal Wonketeers. I'll stick to upfisting. Carry-on.

HistoriCat October 5, 2011 at 5:47 pm

The snark is strong in this one …

Rotundo_ October 5, 2011 at 5:34 pm

If they had as strict a set of guidelines for candidates as they want for voting there wouldn't be enough conservative candidates to mount a challenge in many elections. You do have to marvel at these half assed amateurs sometimes. It isn't Nikki that scares me, it's the old white men telling her what to pass and what to veto and what to say that scare me. This one is like Palin, but with a little less meth and fishin' in her repertoire.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:49 pm

She's a really stupid, incompetent, corrupt, and dishonest fuck, though. Tutored by Mark "King David" Sanford, no less.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:47 pm

I'm happy to inform you that although a sizable chunk of the South Asian community comprises power-hungry, Koch-sucking, diddletardz like Nimrata "Nikki HotPants" Randhawa Haley, there's quite a few rebels and lefty troublemakers in their ranks also, and in fact we owe the "macaca-ing" of George Allen (who might otherwise be in the Presidential lineup, deity forbid) to one such.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 6:20 pm

I wasn't blaming the whole community, just trying to target my snark specifically to Darling Nikki and Pontius Pilate Jindal. Some of my best friends play the tablas!

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Hey, me too! :)

Can I hold the ammo, if you're targeting those two? Because I have NEVER seen such fucking coconuts (brown on the outside, white on the inside).

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 6:41 pm

"there's quite a few rebels and lefty troublemakers in their ranks also"

WWGD?
(What Would Gandhi Do?)

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Gandhi was way to the right of me. I'm thinking more like Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose, who was responsible for the creation of the Indian Nationalist Army, and people like Mamata Bannerjee.

weejee October 5, 2011 at 4:32 pm

My draft board F*d me once. And once was twice too many.

V572 Moon! October 5, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Or three too few. "4F" was dream. "1A" got me to Veet-nahm.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Well, at least it's a great day in South Carolina.

I know parents who bribe their kids to get good grades, i.e. $10 for an A, $5 for a B, etc. I wonder how much these "A"s are worth, cash wise.

SorosBot October 5, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Those are some nice lenient parents, considering a B a good grade; for mine, anything other than an A was unacceptable.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Nice parents! Ours promised us a sound thrashing for every mark we lost from the maximum. So, 98% = two thrashings, and anything less than 80%, well, you might as well commit suicide instead of going home, since it was fairly certain that you would probably be murdered.

DashboardBuddha October 5, 2011 at 6:17 pm

We'd bring our report cards home in the morning, half an an hour before we went to bed, spend 29 hours explaining why we got an A- and then our father would kill us and dance about on our grave.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 6:25 pm

You MUST be a brown! As a Canadian comedian of color once said, "white people, you need to beat your kids."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwbc_v1xBAU

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:56 pm

I am most definitely a brown, and have the scars to prove it. Our parents very seriously believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child." It REALLY hurts worse when they make YOU go get the rod and then apply it to your rear end.

My black friends tell me that they got lots of ass-whuppins growing up.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Was at a family wedding last month, laughing with my 30ish nieces and nephews about the terrors of Grandma Kincaid's wooden spoon.

Lascauxcaveman October 5, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I'm one of those bribery-oriented parents, and it seems to work. I told my two daughters, "A 3.5 on your report card is worth $30 cash and straight A's is worth $50."

And by golly, I have yet to shell out less than $80 at report card time.

chicken_thief October 5, 2011 at 4:37 pm

I love that she comes up with and implements that stupid fucking idea to shame her adversaries in some way, I guess, but then Boyd Brown smacks her down with one sentence.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 4:37 pm

She took Boyd Brown to her Mansion, and he just couldn't believe his eyes. She had so many devices – everything that money could buy! But she put an "F" on his report card, and kicked his ass out when she started to grind.

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I've got a smiley face for her report card, but she'll have to turn her head sideways for it to look like a smile and not just my asscrack.

BarackMyWorld October 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm

“She’s been busy F-ing the rest of the state,” he said. “I’m not surprised that she F-ed me.”

Can I "thumbs up" Boyd Brown?
That was gold.

Geminisunmars October 5, 2011 at 4:45 pm

So now if SC Demos want to prove their bona fides they will have to display their F to their constituents.

coolhandnuke October 5, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I went to middle school with Nikki Haley. She doodled a life-sized picture of Spiro Agnews cock on her Pee Chee folder.

MrFizzy October 5, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Was it a good-sized Greek thang?

DrunkenPalmetto October 5, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Bring her a John Mayer CD and an SUV backseat if you want an A+

Blueb4sunrise October 5, 2011 at 4:52 pm

De-nested repost if you want to send Rep. Brown a message.
http://www.scstatehouse.gov/members/bios/02113636

Limeylizzie October 5, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Just did. Told him he was a star on the Wonkette. And, he's single, ladies and born in 1986!

FakaktaSouth October 5, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I swear I just came back here to tell you that exact thing under your "I'd F him" post til I saw this first – Seriously, he's cute! And YOOOOUNG! Woohoo!

Blueb4sunrise October 5, 2011 at 5:12 pm

He's probably going to have stroke if he visits here.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Or get a stroke.

Limeylizzie October 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm

A road-trip is clearly in order, we arrive at the Statehouse and “We, the women of Wonkette all got together to give you this- (drop trou).”

FakaktaSouth October 5, 2011 at 5:25 pm

As always, I'm down!

Steverino247 October 5, 2011 at 6:17 pm

I think a fair number of male Wonketteers will want to applaud your efforts to please the young legislator in person, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Git him now, in his still-formative years, before he starts eye-ing the Governor's mansion, conveniently goes GOP and starts having stadium prayer-meetings! Or at least make a career-killing scandal to hold over him in case he wanders off the reservation. "Rising Legislator Caught In Steamy Cougar Den"…

I am so cynical. Restore my faith, yout's!

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:42 pm

He'll be "rising," all right, by the time the Lovely Ladies Of Teh Wonketz get their vaunted knickers off.

I gotta camera, girlz, and I'll work for free. :)

hagajim October 5, 2011 at 4:56 pm

What kind of stupid bullshit is this? Does she think she's the fucking NRA or something? Also, I'm sure that pols with F's are really going to strike to work with this smarmy cunt!

Redhead October 5, 2011 at 4:57 pm

But did she alter their test scores before issuing those report cards?

TrikkiNikkiHalE October 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Forget sending him an email, send him a campaign contribution: http://www.BrownForSC.com

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Gov. Haley also passes out both praise and shame with every bill she receives from the legislature, in a simulation of toilet training.

Plowmon October 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Yeah, yeah, but does she have a bigger bush than Christine O'donnell?

MrFizzy October 5, 2011 at 5:40 pm

She's bush from knees to armpits – that's the Indian way.

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm

As they say up in Northern Canada, may you go well in the bush, my son…

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:44 pm

You must be fucking different Indians than me. The ex was smooth as silk from nose to toes.

fuflans October 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm

teabagger america: just as annoying as you thought it would be.

mumbly_joe October 5, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I dunno, I suspect that Democratic lawmakers, not unlike conservative bloggers, would be pretty likely to brag about getting an F from Nikki Haley.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Like the charming Boyd Brown, they will undoubtedly turn into snark about getting F'ed BY Haley.

Guppy06 October 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Why is she wasting time on this when she could be cutting taxes and refusing federal grants?

iburl October 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm

"Fairfield Democratic Rep. Boyd Brown had a contentious relationship with Haley throughout the legislative session"

Sounds kinky.

Antispandex October 5, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I'd give her an A, if I could figure out how it would get anyone a job, to, you know, give out grades. See, I never understood the whole Teabaggie, "If we just fire all of the government workers and take everyone's pension away, unempolyment will disappear", approach…but I haven't been to one of those seminars about how the income tax is unconstitutional either, so I can't really claim I have a full education on these matters.

imissopus October 5, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I'm okay with the hot, it's the insanely condescending and stupid that's a giant turn-off.

Duly_Noted October 5, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Someone get this woman a coloring book!

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm

OK, this is Nimrata "Nikki Hot-Pants" Randhawa Haley, and at last count there were, what, five people in her state who HADN'T made the beast with two (hairy) backs in her state-issued SUV?

Shoot, even the F-rated ranking Democratic burr in her saddle admitted she F-ed him. Along with every other man, woman, and billy goat in the state.

What is it with these Republihags? Did all their husbands suffer from smallcox as children?

neiltheblaze October 5, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Funny how quickly all these "rising stars" in the Republican Party have been flaming out one after another.

That might be because – objectively – they're completely full of shit – and that's something you just can't slap paint on forever.

Flame on, Nikki! (wink)

Rotundo_ October 5, 2011 at 5:49 pm

The repubs do have a real gift for marketing. In Florida, Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, and in South Carolina, they sold people on change and "grown ups in charge". When people opened the really well wrapped box, they discovered some dried up cat poop, a scribbled IOU-SORRY ABOUT YOUR KID'S EDUCATION, BUT CAMPAIGN DONORS NEEDED THE MONEY MORE note and a pair of soiled underwear. And these folks have to live with it for 4 years unless they can scrape up enough intelligent people to sign off on a recall. No cash returns, only store credit…

neiltheblaze October 5, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Yep – and half of them will blame Obama.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Shit is flammable, innit?

neiltheblaze October 5, 2011 at 6:11 pm

If it isn't, the paint should be!

ShaveTheWhales October 5, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Everything is flammable with enough heat.

MrFizzy October 5, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Her 15 minutes have started, unfortunately it'll be more than 15 minutes.

MrFizzy October 5, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Hi, this is Nikki, and this state stinks as much as my underpants.

ShaveTheWhales October 5, 2011 at 11:11 pm

It's a great day in Nikki's knickers.

L188188 October 5, 2011 at 5:46 pm

I think Fairfield Democratic Rep. Boyd Brown might make an excellent Wonkette poster.

Fawkdifiknow October 5, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Yeah, well F you, you F'ing little F'er.

owhatever October 5, 2011 at 5:51 pm

It's a great day in South Carolina! The governor is a little sillier than usual this morning. Out of sorts, you know? She's really a nice guy.

kissawookiee October 5, 2011 at 6:04 pm

A is for Assfuck, chainsaw, sideways.

Pres.Libunatic October 5, 2011 at 7:02 pm

F is for fisting, sans Crisco.

ttommyunger October 5, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Methinks the Governess' big-girl panties are in need of a change; they do tend to chaff after being worn pee-crusted for days and days. Having a bush like a cactus doesn't help, either, also, too. Maybe you could borrow Xtine's weed whacker.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Oh, now, don't tell me YOU did her TOO! Where are your standards, dood?

ttommyunger October 5, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Just repeating what I overheard sitting at the bar in “Jugs & Suds”.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:21 pm

You hang out at all the most *interesting* places. ;)

ttommyunger October 5, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Sorry, thought I was zipped.

slowhansolo October 5, 2011 at 11:02 pm

*snerk … "bush like a cactus…"

KUDOS

ttommyunger October 5, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Heh, heh.

OneYieldRegular October 5, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Allow me to quote the great art historian Jasper Rose:

"Grading is a method for sorting vegetables."

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Sure, the Republicans all get A's for AWESOME.

Or was it assholes?

DashboardBuddha October 5, 2011 at 6:28 pm

State workers should thank their lucky stars they don't have to answer the phone, Heaveno

ShaveTheWhales October 5, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Heavenoyvay.

mavenmaven October 5, 2011 at 6:31 pm

What score did she give that blogger dude?

rocktonsam October 5, 2011 at 6:49 pm

another teabagging f up.

flamingpdog October 5, 2011 at 6:51 pm

“You have to hold legislators’ hands to the fires …"

hands to the fires??? Stupid bimbo can't even get a simple 'Mur'can idiom right! If you ever run into her in the back seat of an SUV, better ask for a foot job …

Pres.Libunatic October 5, 2011 at 7:01 pm

OT, but speaking of F minus grade politicians, L'Grifter Originale just said she's not running in 2012. Obvs. setting up a Christie/Palin ticket for 2016…. insert your humorous nicknames for that ticket below.

ShaveTheWhales October 5, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Lard/Tard 2016

Steverino247 October 5, 2011 at 7:13 pm

OT, but here's what I posted at CNN.com on the Palin "decision":

Sarah Palin's true path is from the wallets of supporters to her bank account. She mouths platitudes and waves flags to bilk well-meaning but misinformed Americans out of their hard earned money. She deserves no respect as she performs no meaningful service to the people. She deserves no further media attention until she has something of substance to add to the political conversation. The Palin Show has left town with the money of small town America which is left with only the memory of the carnival and the clowns who performed there.

Limeylizzie October 5, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Gosh Steverino, I just promised a little something special to Boyd Brown, but consider yourself attended to as well.

Steverino247 October 5, 2011 at 7:26 pm

OOOOH! Growing up poor taught me how to enjoy life vicariously, so this offer really satisfies.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Pretty good, dood. I hope you got your body armor on and your weapons loaded, because C4P is going to come for you in their shrieking hordes, hoverrounds a-spinning.

weejee October 5, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Is this good for She1ey? Nah! Even if she lands all the Palinistas to go with her lock on the Heltered Skelters, MB won't get attention at the next debate even if she shows her tits.

Still it is a frabjous day, callooh callay!

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:59 pm

No, the Palinistas hate MB with a passion, I have no idea why. You'd think those two airheads would be interchangeable, but one thing's become obvious — Palin is actually a *better* — and I use that term loosely — politician than Michele. Palin has a core group of loyal followers who will keep on forking out money to support her regardless of her griftery griftification. MB's done. She's dropped too low in the polls to climb back up.

I'd be dancing in the streets, if I could.

Steverino247 October 5, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Ha! I posted that same thing over on FOX, too. (Had to use a different nom de guerre, though)

Steverino247 October 5, 2011 at 7:40 pm

OK. Back on topic. I sent the following to our new hero in SC:

"Loved your witty comment on your Governor's silly grading of your legislators. Wear that F with pride, sir!"

And got the following response:

"Thank you for your kind email, this is only the beginning of making her life a living Hell.

All the best,

Boyd Brown"

So, may I suggest tops off as well as dropped trou when you visit his offices, ladies?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Oh, great, there goes MY evening of planned work. All I can see now is a sea of beautiful boobies.

Steverino247 October 5, 2011 at 7:48 pm

They're in season this month, aren't they?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Actually, it's Cocktober, according to our fellow-Wonketeerz, but I believe boobies are in season all year round.

flamingpdog October 5, 2011 at 11:02 pm

But next month is Nomember!

user-of-owls October 5, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Do you think they have to answer the phone with “It's a great day in South Carolina” at the State Coroner's Office?

mrblifil October 5, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Nothing the GOP loves more than fixing it so their side gets graded on a curve. Preferably a Bell Curve…

Negropolis October 5, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Who the fuck died and made Nimrata the State Superintendent?

OldRedneck October 5, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Nikki Haley? Nikki Haley??

Don't know any Nikki Haley.

Oh, wait a minute — you mean Nimrata Randhawa — right??

gullywompr October 5, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Wrong movie. Clearly he wanted to go because he heard Nikki would be climbing up the pool ladder to the tune of "Moving in Stereo".

"Hi Boyd. You know I always thought you were cute!"

Then she F-ed him.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I swear, the Lovely Ladies Of Teh Wonketz put joy in every heart. Poor man's gonna blush like a rose right before he either faints or leaps.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:41 pm

More likely.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 7:55 pm

I just watched that Russell Peters skit, and man I pissed myself laughing. That's IT, that's exactly it, we'd talk about how our parents would thrash the living daylights out of us and our black friends would talk about the ass-whuppings they got, and the white kids would smile vaguely and talk about "time-outs," and we would all exchange these looks like, "WTF are these people talking about? Are they serious?"

AJWjr. October 5, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Does the pool have 3 diving boards? Can't perform a Triple Lindy without 3 boards.

zhubajie October 5, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Believe me, lots of lower class white kids get whupped, too.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Good point. Now that I think of it, most of the white kids were middle-class.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Well that's the thing – in the popular imagination of browns and the aspirational imagination of plain old whites, all white people are an upper middle class punchline.

Salacious Crumb October 5, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Gorilla Mask?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 10:02 pm

OK. Go ahead. Do your worst. Urban dictionary? Or just Google it?

ShaveTheWhales October 5, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Either one will work, I'm sorry to say.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Dear deity in deityland! I believe I must bleach my eye-puppies for a few hours. It's been great knowing alla youse Wonketeers. Morituri te salutamus!

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 11:23 pm

I can see I shall have to retire gracefully from the field or risk a right skewering. Tongue as sharp as a mustard-plaster!

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 11:26 pm

I was assured by other Wonketeerz that next month was BLOWvember.

Now I haz a sad.

ttommyunger October 5, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Sorry, I skewer to the Left.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 11:48 pm

I can tell. (limps away)

Salacious Crumb October 6, 2011 at 12:22 am

sorry.

Tho I must admit, everything I need to know in life I learned from Wonkette.

PalinzADummy October 6, 2011 at 12:31 am

Salacious, it's really nice to meet you and all, even if I'll be typing in Braille for the rest of my life? But I'm not even gonna ask you why you needed to know about Gorilla Masks, and who on Teh Wonketz was responsible for the outrage of teaching you about this … sexual practice.

Salacious Crumb October 6, 2011 at 1:12 am

Long time lurker, sporadic commenter. This came up a couple of days ago, in the last Andrew "I'm totally Gay!" Bloodfart string maybe? It's all a blur really. (Yay Wonkit!)

Dunno why truthfully, I just saw an opening and I thought I'd take it? (no pun intended!)

I hear they are doing wonderful things with imaging and brain waves, so there may be hope for you to see again! Personally, I just need a new set of knees and maybe a new liver.

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