sex games gone awry

Nikki Haley Will Fix Stuff Right After Finishing These Fake Report Cards

But she gets an South Carolina governor Nikki Haley — last seen demanding full cooperation from her miserable state employees’ souls with a demented Orwellian decree that they answer their office phones cheerfully or else — has very few actual ideas about how to improve the nosebleed-inducing altitude of the state’s unemployment rate, so she’s trying some role-play with legislators to …eh, pass the time, mostly. In today’s stupid fantasy-turned-policy scenario, she is the Embittered School Marm who issues “report cards” to all state lawmakers grading them according to how much they annoy her. Most Democrats got an “F,” for “fuckers,” and Republicans mostly got A or B grades and, notably, not a single F. Kinky?!

The Columbia Free-Times has the gross details on this bizarre sex scheme:

Haley graded lawmakers by how they voted on such legislation as on-the-record voting, tort reform, government restructuring and whether or not they’d sustained her vetoes, among other votes. The outcome was predictable and fell along partisan lines.

All of the Fs Haley awarded to members of the Senate, for instance, went to Democrats, including her 2010 gubernatorial rival Vincent Sheheen of Camden. Williamsburg County Democrat Yancey McGill got an A. Incidentally, McGill was the only Democrat to stick up for Republican Lt. Gov. Ken Ard during his ethics troubles.

So what do the “A” grade-winners get? A gentle spanking from Mark Sanford, wherever that weirdo is? A free licking from a Craigslist rent-boy? WHAT WILL IT BE, because there must be a reward, or this is pointless.

And here is the only winning quote we would give an “A” to in this dumb tale of tragedy:

Fairfield Democratic Rep. Boyd Brown had a contentious relationship with Haley throughout the legislative session. He had even been turned away at a summer pool party held at the Governor’s Mansion that lawmakers had been invited to attend.

So, naturally, Brown might not have been surprised when he received an F on his report card from the governor. But speaking to Free Times, he didn’t hold back.

“She’s been busy F-ing the rest of the state,” he said. “I’m not surprised that she F-ed me.”

The voters of South Carolina also kind of agree! Haley’s approval ratings have been slipping the last few months, which earns her a public grade of “you suck.” [Free-Times]

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  1. Cat_Damon

    “She’s been busy F-ing the rest of the state,” he said. “I’m not surprised that she F-ed me.”


      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Hell, if I'd have met her in a bar some night, not knowing who she is, I'd have probably F-ed her.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          The best part is that she looks like white meat but tastes like dark meat.

          …I'll go sit in the corner.

  2. Barb

    "He had even been turned away at a summer pool party held at the Governor’s Mansion…."
    Yeah, it's one thing to pee in the pool and yet another to do it from the high dive. BANNED!

    1. An_Outhouse

      I can't imagine wanting to go that bitch's house even if I was invited. What was he thinking?

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Actually, I think you beat me by a minute, but I hadn't got that far down the page when I crapped in your swimming pool.

          2. gullywompr

            Wrong movie. Clearly he wanted to go because he heard Nikki would be climbing up the pool ladder to the tune of "Moving in Stereo".

            "Hi Boyd. You know I always thought you were cute!"

            Then she F-ed him.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Conservative women seem emotionally and intellectually stunted, and cast as real-life Heathers.

      1. SorosBot

        She fakes just like a woman
        Yes, she does, she makes love just like a woman
        Yes, she does, and she aches just like a woman
        But she governs the state of South Carolina just like a little girl

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Just because she writes all of her political positions out first on her Pee-Chee with litttle hearts besides them….

    3. stew1

      I knew a girl name Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
      I met her in the hotel lobby masturbating with magazines.

      That brings back memories (the song, I mean).

  3. Callyson

    Orwellian decree that they answer their office phones cheerfully or else
    "It's a beautiful fucking day in South Carolina, how may I help you?"
    Say it with a smile…

    1. comrad_darkness

      "It's a beautiful day in South Carolina. In fact, I'd give it an F. An Effing day in South Carolina. How may I help you?"

  4. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Ah, South Carolina, Arizona thanks you for taking some of the light off of its stupidity.

    1. PalinzADummy

      What transcripts? Although she supposedly attended college, there's no record of her graduating. Although her degree is in accountancy, she is not a licensed accountant. She has never held a real job — her only "job" of record was her employment at her parents' business, where she *routinely* filed their taxes LATE, thereby making them liable for penalties. She claimed to be a small business owner in her campaign, yet she's never owned or run a business. And she has ALWAYS filed her own personal taxes late. Someone ought to examine her finances. Her income tax returns are not consistent with her VERY expensive (for her state) house, her huge, expensive car, and her lifestyle.

  5. deleted1797764

    I wonder if Michele Bachman was at that pool party? Those 2 seem like they would be besties.

      1. DaRooster

        I was told before our Bio final by this girl that used to copy from me,"I studied for 3 hours last night."
        I replied,"I just studied for 3 beers in the parking lot."

        Got a 96…

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Funny you should mention that. I wasn't all that hot on math in high school, but the night before my pre-calc midterm in my senior year, my new girlfriend had tickets to see Rush at the Seattle Center Colisseum, so we drove two hours to Seattle, smoking dope all the way over (my first time!) and it turns out it was laced with something which was providing me with some pretty exhilarating hallucinations for about 20 minutes there, sat in the seats at the Colisseum (we were way to f'ed up to stand down on the floor) passing and catching doobs all during the show, then drove two hours back home, getting to bed around 3am.

          I got a 96, too. My best math test score I ever got, in high school.

        1. PalinzADummy

          And I, of course, just HAD to see what all the foofaraw was about. (digs out eyes with a spoon)

          Carry on.

  6. Goonemeritus

    Only slightly more relevant than Idi Amin grading his Cabinet exclusively on how they tasted.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Darling we can just give him a fuck with the lights out , if he's ugly, he is deserving of some love for that wonderful retort.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Yes, along with the line through a "t" (a "jot") it's the source of the phrase "every jot and tittle", which entered common use through Matthew 5:18.

        No snark, here. Just 100% solid, factual information.

        1. snackypants

          Knowing others care about jots and tittles is of great comfort to me. No snark here as well.

        2. AJWjr.

          No snark, here. Just 100% solid, factual information.
          Just like in the rest of the bible, right?

    1. PalinzADummy

      Yeah, knowing her, she dipped the pen in her menstrual blood first, straight from her cunt. Fucking slag. Oh, sorry, is my bitterness and rage showing?

  7. JustPixelz

    It's a great day in Wonkette!

    I don't have any facts to back this up, but it is my belief most Repubicans don't know there are grades above "F".

    There are going to be some pretty upset parents in SC when their kids bring home those grades. "No dessert for a week, young man."

    The Repubicans got A's because they had someone else do their homework. Some may call it cheating, but they are happy to call it "getting help from a lobbyist."

      1. PalinzADummy

        Er … I'm probably going to regret this forever when you tell me I'll have to look it up in the Urban Dictionary, but … what is "mortician's pancake"?

        1. HistoriCat

          I'm no expert but I think that's the stuff they put on dead people prior to funeral home viewings. It gives them that "lifelike" look.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Well, at least, thank TPTB, it's not some hideous new sexual perversion of which I had hitherto never heard and which I would regret knowing anything about for the rest of my born days.

          2. PalinzADummy

            Dear deity in deityland! I believe I must bleach my eye-puppies for a few hours. It's been great knowing alla youse Wonketeers. Morituri te salutamus!

          3. PalinzADummy

            Salacious, it's really nice to meet you and all, even if I'll be typing in Braille for the rest of my life? But I'm not even gonna ask you why you needed to know about Gorilla Masks, and who on Teh Wonketz was responsible for the outrage of teaching you about this … sexual practice.

          4. Salacious Crumb

            Long time lurker, sporadic commenter. This came up a couple of days ago, in the last Andrew "I'm totally Gay!" Bloodfart string maybe? It's all a blur really. (Yay Wonkit!)

            Dunno why truthfully, I just saw an opening and I thought I'd take it? (no pun intended!)

            I hear they are doing wonderful things with imaging and brain waves, so there may be hope for you to see again! Personally, I just need a new set of knees and maybe a new liver.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Meh. Texas Monthly magazine has been doing this, in a non-partisan manner, for decades.

    1. DahBoner

      In India, when the wife gets close to the stove, one little push is all it takes and poof! All that polyster and ghee goes up in flames fast…

      1. DahBoner

        Just the other day, they wanted me to take a drug test for a job and I told them that I was going to pass with flying colors.

        Because I know a LOT about drugs….

        1. Tundra Grifter

          DB: That's the kind of on-the-job drug testing I could support. I could tell 'em "This is bunk" or "This is some good shit."

          If that would help.

  9. FakaktaSouth

    This is so stupid and it makes her look stupid in a weirdly feminine way, and I don't like that – she's not a child playing school, and this is political bullshit timewasting. ANYway, I do not like her and in the spirit of this stupidity, I am going to make fun of the way she looks.

    Shut up Big Nose. Where are you from, Nose City? (Monty Python? Anyone?) She sucks.

    1. PalinzADummy

      According to all the guys who have recently been busted for "sinning" with her, you're right. She does.

  10. Radiodead

    Needs moar Kaizen. Or whatever the petty middle manager bureaucrat's Management Du Jour theory is this week.

  11. Toomush_Infer

    Pretty sure this is a new low for reality tv – but I have no f ing facts to prove it….

  12. SayItWithWookies

    This is why Nikki Haley is the kinder gentler teabagger — she gave out Fs instead of little crosshairs.

  13. Chet Kincaid

    How in the fuck does she think a legislature works?! They exist to return votes a Governor likes? When these Southern fucks and their Sikh/Hindu wanna-be-White-Christian tools get done driving the blacks and hispanics off the voter rolls, they might want to gin up a civics test for elective office, too.

    1. Rotundo_

      If they had as strict a set of guidelines for candidates as they want for voting there wouldn't be enough conservative candidates to mount a challenge in many elections. You do have to marvel at these half assed amateurs sometimes. It isn't Nikki that scares me, it's the old white men telling her what to pass and what to veto and what to say that scare me. This one is like Palin, but with a little less meth and fishin' in her repertoire.

      1. PalinzADummy

        She's a really stupid, incompetent, corrupt, and dishonest fuck, though. Tutored by Mark "King David" Sanford, no less.

    2. PalinzADummy

      I'm happy to inform you that although a sizable chunk of the South Asian community comprises power-hungry, Koch-sucking, diddletardz like Nimrata "Nikki HotPants" Randhawa Haley, there's quite a few rebels and lefty troublemakers in their ranks also, and in fact we owe the "macaca-ing" of George Allen (who might otherwise be in the Presidential lineup, deity forbid) to one such.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        I wasn't blaming the whole community, just trying to target my snark specifically to Darling Nikki and Pontius Pilate Jindal. Some of my best friends play the tablas!

        1. PalinzADummy

          Hey, me too! :)

          Can I hold the ammo, if you're targeting those two? Because I have NEVER seen such fucking coconuts (brown on the outside, white on the inside).

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        "there's quite a few rebels and lefty troublemakers in their ranks also"

        (What Would Gandhi Do?)

        1. PalinzADummy

          Gandhi was way to the right of me. I'm thinking more like Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose, who was responsible for the creation of the Indian Nationalist Army, and people like Mamata Bannerjee.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, at least it's a great day in South Carolina.

    I know parents who bribe their kids to get good grades, i.e. $10 for an A, $5 for a B, etc. I wonder how much these "A"s are worth, cash wise.

    1. SorosBot

      Those are some nice lenient parents, considering a B a good grade; for mine, anything other than an A was unacceptable.

    2. PalinzADummy

      Nice parents! Ours promised us a sound thrashing for every mark we lost from the maximum. So, 98% = two thrashings, and anything less than 80%, well, you might as well commit suicide instead of going home, since it was fairly certain that you would probably be murdered.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        We'd bring our report cards home in the morning, half an an hour before we went to bed, spend 29 hours explaining why we got an A- and then our father would kill us and dance about on our grave.

        1. PalinzADummy

          I am most definitely a brown, and have the scars to prove it. Our parents very seriously believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child." It REALLY hurts worse when they make YOU go get the rod and then apply it to your rear end.

          My black friends tell me that they got lots of ass-whuppins growing up.

          1. PalinzADummy

            I just watched that Russell Peters skit, and man I pissed myself laughing. That's IT, that's exactly it, we'd talk about how our parents would thrash the living daylights out of us and our black friends would talk about the ass-whuppings they got, and the white kids would smile vaguely and talk about "time-outs," and we would all exchange these looks like, "WTF are these people talking about? Are they serious?"

          2. Chet Kincaid

            Well that's the thing – in the popular imagination of browns and the aspirational imagination of plain old whites, all white people are an upper middle class punchline.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm one of those bribery-oriented parents, and it seems to work. I told my two daughters, "A 3.5 on your report card is worth $30 cash and straight A's is worth $50."

      And by golly, I have yet to shell out less than $80 at report card time.

  15. chicken_thief

    I love that she comes up with and implements that stupid fucking idea to shame her adversaries in some way, I guess, but then Boyd Brown smacks her down with one sentence.

  16. Chet Kincaid

    She took Boyd Brown to her Mansion, and he just couldn't believe his eyes. She had so many devices – everything that money could buy! But she put an "F" on his report card, and kicked his ass out when she started to grind.

  17. widestanceshakedown

    I've got a smiley face for her report card, but she'll have to turn her head sideways for it to look like a smile and not just my asscrack.

  18. BarackMyWorld

    “She’s been busy F-ing the rest of the state,” he said. “I’m not surprised that she F-ed me.”

    Can I "thumbs up" Boyd Brown?
    That was gold.

  19. Geminisunmars

    So now if SC Demos want to prove their bona fides they will have to display their F to their constituents.

  20. coolhandnuke

    I went to middle school with Nikki Haley. She doodled a life-sized picture of Spiro Agnews cock on her Pee Chee folder.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Just did. Told him he was a star on the Wonkette. And, he's single, ladies and born in 1986!

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I swear I just came back here to tell you that exact thing under your "I'd F him" post til I saw this first – Seriously, he's cute! And YOOOOUNG! Woohoo!

        1. Limeylizzie

          A road-trip is clearly in order, we arrive at the Statehouse and “We, the women of Wonkette all got together to give you this- (drop trou).”

          1. PalinzADummy

            I swear, the Lovely Ladies Of Teh Wonketz put joy in every heart. Poor man's gonna blush like a rose right before he either faints or leaps.

          2. Steverino247

            I think a fair number of male Wonketteers will want to applaud your efforts to please the young legislator in person, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

        2. Chet Kincaid

          Git him now, in his still-formative years, before he starts eye-ing the Governor's mansion, conveniently goes GOP and starts having stadium prayer-meetings! Or at least make a career-killing scandal to hold over him in case he wanders off the reservation. "Rising Legislator Caught In Steamy Cougar Den"…

          I am so cynical. Restore my faith, yout's!

          1. PalinzADummy

            He'll be "rising," all right, by the time the Lovely Ladies Of Teh Wonketz get their vaunted knickers off.

            I gotta camera, girlz, and I'll work for free. :)

  21. hagajim

    What kind of stupid bullshit is this? Does she think she's the fucking NRA or something? Also, I'm sure that pols with F's are really going to strike to work with this smarmy cunt!

      1. PalinzADummy

        You must be fucking different Indians than me. The ex was smooth as silk from nose to toes.

  22. mumbly_joe

    I dunno, I suspect that Democratic lawmakers, not unlike conservative bloggers, would be pretty likely to brag about getting an F from Nikki Haley.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Like the charming Boyd Brown, they will undoubtedly turn into snark about getting F'ed BY Haley.

  23. iburl

    "Fairfield Democratic Rep. Boyd Brown had a contentious relationship with Haley throughout the legislative session"

    Sounds kinky.

  24. Antispandex

    I'd give her an A, if I could figure out how it would get anyone a job, to, you know, give out grades. See, I never understood the whole Teabaggie, "If we just fire all of the government workers and take everyone's pension away, unempolyment will disappear", approach…but I haven't been to one of those seminars about how the income tax is unconstitutional either, so I can't really claim I have a full education on these matters.

  25. PalinzADummy

    OK, this is Nimrata "Nikki Hot-Pants" Randhawa Haley, and at last count there were, what, five people in her state who HADN'T made the beast with two (hairy) backs in her state-issued SUV?

    Shoot, even the F-rated ranking Democratic burr in her saddle admitted she F-ed him. Along with every other man, woman, and billy goat in the state.

    What is it with these Republihags? Did all their husbands suffer from smallcox as children?

  26. neiltheblaze

    Funny how quickly all these "rising stars" in the Republican Party have been flaming out one after another.

    That might be because – objectively – they're completely full of shit – and that's something you just can't slap paint on forever.

    Flame on, Nikki! (wink)

    1. Rotundo_

      The repubs do have a real gift for marketing. In Florida, Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, and in South Carolina, they sold people on change and "grown ups in charge". When people opened the really well wrapped box, they discovered some dried up cat poop, a scribbled IOU-SORRY ABOUT YOUR KID'S EDUCATION, BUT CAMPAIGN DONORS NEEDED THE MONEY MORE note and a pair of soiled underwear. And these folks have to live with it for 4 years unless they can scrape up enough intelligent people to sign off on a recall. No cash returns, only store credit…

  27. owhatever

    It's a great day in South Carolina! The governor is a little sillier than usual this morning. Out of sorts, you know? She's really a nice guy.

  28. ttommyunger

    Methinks the Governess' big-girl panties are in need of a change; they do tend to chaff after being worn pee-crusted for days and days. Having a bush like a cactus doesn't help, either, also, too. Maybe you could borrow Xtine's weed whacker.

          1. PalinzADummy

            I can see I shall have to retire gracefully from the field or risk a right skewering. Tongue as sharp as a mustard-plaster!

  29. OneYieldRegular

    Allow me to quote the great art historian Jasper Rose:

    "Grading is a method for sorting vegetables."

  30. flamingpdog

    “You have to hold legislators’ hands to the fires …"

    hands to the fires??? Stupid bimbo can't even get a simple 'Mur'can idiom right! If you ever run into her in the back seat of an SUV, better ask for a foot job …

  31. Pres.Libunatic

    OT, but speaking of F minus grade politicians, L'Grifter Originale just said she's not running in 2012. Obvs. setting up a Christie/Palin ticket for 2016…. insert your humorous nicknames for that ticket below.

  32. Steverino247

    OT, but here's what I posted at on the Palin "decision":

    Sarah Palin's true path is from the wallets of supporters to her bank account. She mouths platitudes and waves flags to bilk well-meaning but misinformed Americans out of their hard earned money. She deserves no respect as she performs no meaningful service to the people. She deserves no further media attention until she has something of substance to add to the political conversation. The Palin Show has left town with the money of small town America which is left with only the memory of the carnival and the clowns who performed there.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Gosh Steverino, I just promised a little something special to Boyd Brown, but consider yourself attended to as well.

      1. Steverino247

        OOOOH! Growing up poor taught me how to enjoy life vicariously, so this offer really satisfies.

    2. PalinzADummy

      Pretty good, dood. I hope you got your body armor on and your weapons loaded, because C4P is going to come for you in their shrieking hordes, hoverrounds a-spinning.

      1. weejee

        Is this good for She1ey? Nah! Even if she lands all the Palinistas to go with her lock on the Heltered Skelters, MB won't get attention at the next debate even if she shows her tits.

        Still it is a frabjous day, callooh callay!

        1. PalinzADummy

          No, the Palinistas hate MB with a passion, I have no idea why. You'd think those two airheads would be interchangeable, but one thing's become obvious — Palin is actually a *better* — and I use that term loosely — politician than Michele. Palin has a core group of loyal followers who will keep on forking out money to support her regardless of her griftery griftification. MB's done. She's dropped too low in the polls to climb back up.

          I'd be dancing in the streets, if I could.

    3. Steverino247

      Ha! I posted that same thing over on FOX, too. (Had to use a different nom de guerre, though)

  33. Steverino247

    OK. Back on topic. I sent the following to our new hero in SC:

    "Loved your witty comment on your Governor's silly grading of your legislators. Wear that F with pride, sir!"

    And got the following response:

    "Thank you for your kind email, this is only the beginning of making her life a living Hell.

    All the best,

    Boyd Brown"

    So, may I suggest tops off as well as dropped trou when you visit his offices, ladies?

    1. PalinzADummy

      Oh, great, there goes MY evening of planned work. All I can see now is a sea of beautiful boobies.

        1. PalinzADummy

          Actually, it's Cocktober, according to our fellow-Wonketeerz, but I believe boobies are in season all year round.

  34. user-of-owls

    Do you think they have to answer the phone with “It's a great day in South Carolina” at the State Coroner's Office?

  35. OldRedneck

    Nikki Haley? Nikki Haley??

    Don't know any Nikki Haley.

    Oh, wait a minute — you mean Nimrata Randhawa — right??

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