#OCCUPYMICHELEBACHMANN  1:25 pm October 5, 2011

Evil College Kids Force Bachmann Into Hiding With Funny Signs

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

As it is written in the Gospels, try to freak the fuck out every time someone you disagree with comes nearby.Reliable comic relief generator Michele Bachmann (which is the only way she is reliable) has exactly one mode when confronted by peaceable handfuls of voters that she perceives as being against her whackjob right-wing viewpoints: FLEE AND CALL THE POLICE. A small horde of Grinnell College student-barbarians showed up to one of her campaign events to mill around with funny signs like “John Wayne Quincy Adams — Our Greatest Forefather,” but rather than get anywhere near their evil librul AIDS germs, she hid in her bus, cancelled the public event entirely and made the cops show up. This is so much like the response she had that one time when a couple lesbians tried to approach her for a policy chat that it makes us wonder (strictly rhetorically): if you dropped Michele Bachmann from a helicopter into the middle of Zuccotti Park, would she just explode into a million tiny curio keepsake Bibles? That is our guess.

From the Des Moines Register:

But the event’s 5:30 start time came and went with no sign of the candidate after the event space filled up with college students, some carrying signs. Bachmann ended up not appearing until about 6:40 – after a truck from the Poweshiek County Sheriff and two police cars arrived on the scene and officers cordoned off part of the farm with police tape.

Rather than speaking publicly from the barn – which was festooned with Bachmann campaign posters and clearly arranged for her to speak – Bachmann met with Family Leader donors privately in a house on the property and then took a short walking tour with farm owners Danny Carroll – a former state lawmaker – and his wife.

The students, meanwhile, stood behind the cordon waving signs supporting gay marriage and playing on misstatements the candidate has made. They clapped rhythmically and yelled questions and entreaties in Bachmann’s general direction.

And then Michele sent all of these students to be waterboarded by Jesus and St. Paul at Gitmo for a thousand years, in her mind. [Des Moines Register]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 252 comments }

metamarcisf October 5, 2011 at 1:28 pm

At this point, the direction of Bachmann's campaign can only be described as "Helter Skelter"

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Well, she's been to the bottom, now she'll go back to the top of the polls, then it's back to the bottom and she sees lezbos agaaaaaain.

iburl October 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

yeah, yeah, yeah

Radiodead October 5, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I laughed, I cried.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:09 pm

I threw up a lot.

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2011 at 2:08 am

I've got blisters on me fingers!

4TheTurnstiles October 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

she's comin down fast, but she's miles above us (with Jesus doncha know)

poncho_pilot October 5, 2011 at 2:51 pm

funny you should say that because i was thinking: this reminds me of a visit home a few years back. when my mother saw me she screamed and ran and hid in her room because i "looked like Charles Manson".

Moonbat October 5, 2011 at 2:56 pm

I told you the tattoo on your forehead was a bad idea!

Neoyorquino October 5, 2011 at 2:57 pm

And suddenly I'm feeling much better about the quality of the relationship I have with my mom.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:10 pm

So, um, I know you've talked about how crazy your family is, and you love them anyway, but … erm, is your mother, like, really crazy, or what? Because mine was pretty fucking crazy, and claimed not to recognize me on several occasions, but I knew she was just trying to fuck with my head, dood.

poncho_pilot October 5, 2011 at 3:21 pm

i don't think my mom is any crazier than i am. maybe about the same. that was an excessive moment with her that i've never received an explanation for. my mom never did much of the fucking with my head which i can say is in her favor although i do remember one incident as a child where i walked into the kitchen late one night and she was holding a knife to herself. good times!

my mom has become a serial monogamist hobo, crisscrossing the country to move in with various gentlemen of the internet persuasion. that's been going on for about twelve years. we don't talk much these days. she owes me a lot of money and only calls to try and borrow more. there's more but i'm already writing a novel here. it really sucks because we used to be very close as my dad left before i was born and we just had each other for the most part. if i'd noticed that giant brussel sprout in her closet earlier i could have saved her.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Thanks for not telling me to fuck off and mind my own fucking business, which would've been totally justified.

My mom was fond of throwing knives and furniture. Fortunately, she was both myopic and astigmatic, so she never actually hit us, although the sound of a heavy knife blade whistling past your ear and thudding into the nearest door is not one any child can hear with equanimity.

Sounds like your Mom isn't quite as insane. I'm sorry she's drifted away. (Hugs poncho_pilot)

AmericanBeauty October 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I have many big hugs for you and hope you find a way to reconcile with her, or reach her, before she dies.

Nothingisamiss October 5, 2011 at 1:28 pm

"I'm a nun and I want you!" was just one sign she thought was threatening.

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 1:40 pm

She who fucks nuns will later form a church.

Lascauxcaveman October 5, 2011 at 1:47 pm

That's just another story.

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 1:59 pm

It's been proven by research, so I believe it.

Ansnarkist October 5, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Now every cheap hood strikes a bargain with the world,
Ends up making payments on a sofa or a girl.

AJWjr. October 5, 2011 at 3:09 pm

She still swears that was a penguin, interestingly.

GunToting[Redacted] October 5, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Fookin' Leprechauns…

Tundra Grifter October 5, 2011 at 2:31 pm

When they say "Nun" then mean none.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I think it was actually "I want NONE of you." She don't read so good.

Toomush_Infer October 5, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Maybe if the sign was a nine or a ten, she wouldn't have been so threatened… ba da bing…

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2011 at 1:31 pm

This kind of inability to work past differences physically as well as mentally makes for a poor projection in a possible POTUS job performance.

She won't walk down the House Floor to make her State of the Union speeches cause Barney Frank's cooties are everywhere.

Come here a minute October 5, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Barney Frank cooties are already preventing her from voting in the House.

LesBontemps October 5, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Michele who?

V572 Moon! October 5, 2011 at 2:11 pm

It's probably a case of mistaken identity. They didn't even spell the name right.

Chichikovovich October 5, 2011 at 2:40 pm

We want to see the marriage licence!

AmericanBeauty October 11, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I wanna see proof of consummation with Marcus Sparkle.

axmxz October 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

"Festooned" is a good word to associate with Bachmann. Brings to mind a festive spittoon.

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I more frequently associate 'festered' with her.

axmxz October 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Festering fistulas, batman!

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Listen, there will be no more nose-splorting in the mornings. Kindly hold down teh humour till after my second cuppa, TYVM.

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm

A thousand pardons from EST for the splortage, meaning it's 3:30 pm here (and I'm on my 8th or 9th cuppa). If I kept the snark beast crated until this late in the day, I'd lose my job due to poor attitude.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Oh, dear friend, I was just snarking on you. It's my way of making up for being late to the Wonkette party (as usual).

Besides, those nose-sprayed droplets make for a really interesting moire effect on the monitor. (takes a deep drag)

Barb October 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

I'm surprised the cops weren't armed with pepper gas to "spray away the gay."

ManchuCandidate October 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Marcus believes in sucking it away, not spraying it away.

AJWjr. October 5, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I'd type :spew: like the cool kids, but, well, you know…

Sophist[Kochblocker] October 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I totally want to gay marry you for this comment, but one of us is probably going to have to get a sex change first.

Callyson October 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Marcus must not have shown up.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Given most cops' diet, they don't need no pepper gas, they make pretty bad gas all on their ownsome.

ManchuCandidate October 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Strong, tough and has such strength of character this Michelle Bachmann is.*

*shockingly… she is none of those things.

If she can't handle snarky college kids and flees without nary a "Get Off My Lawn" how would she handle someone like Vlad Putin or even not so jolly fat man Stevie "Moobs" Harper? She would surrender to the Conservative Enclave of Canada City within seconds. Or nuke us.

gullywompr October 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

This is why women can't be president.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:14 pm

She and Sarah have certainly contributed mightily to that meme. I have a vision of all the female politicians in the US inviting the two of them to lunch. Locking the doors. Then bringing out the clubs.

ManchuCandidate October 5, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Yup. There are capable females out there, just not those ones.

MOG2410 October 5, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I'd pay to attend.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I just vant to vatch.

4TheTurnstiles October 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Steve Harper just needs to get fucked by a big black guy. Something inside him is dying, and I think it's the part that covets uncut Nubian cock.

V572 Moon! October 5, 2011 at 2:13 pm

And then we could have national health insurance. Are you arguing for Miche1e?

Chichikovovich October 5, 2011 at 2:49 pm

And it would be the worlds cleverest mongoose against the worlds most, um " 'running late' in French" cobra if she were to go up against (time machine travelling) Trudeau.

Fifteen minutes of negotiations on Lake Superior whitefish harvesting regulations and she'd be declaring French the official language of the US.

Or at least having both French and English on cereal boxes.

Which is really the same thing as forcing everyone to speak French.

Or so my wingnut (Canadian version) father repeatedly told me.

But enough of my wistful childhood reverie.

horsedreamer_1 October 5, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I have ketchup packets from Spain and Holland with ingredient lists in eight or ten languages. I think that would kill your dad.

Boojum_Reborn October 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm

At this point, I think she would surrender to Lichtenstein.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I have a friend in Lichtenstein. She teaches there. I hear you can rent the entire country for a weekend, if you want.

GunToting[Redacted] October 5, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I always said that if I won the lotto, I'd have Lichtenstein reupholstered.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 6:34 pm

I b'leev the ladies in those parts have the comfortable appearance of sofas. A nice chintz, I think.

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

[and then took a short walking tour with farm owners Danny Carroll]

Did Danny dare her to pick up a bucket of tomatoes?

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 5, 2011 at 1:45 pm

She would have, but is waiting for her next Alabama campaign stop.

Dudleydidwrong October 5, 2011 at 2:56 pm

She looked wistfully at the cucumber patch.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:15 pm

You would too, in her position. Bet she kovets Kortney's kukumber.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 5, 2011 at 1:33 pm

if you dropped Michele Bachmann from a helicopter into the middle of Zuccotti Park, would she just explode into a million tiny curio keepsake Bibles?

SCIENCE PROJECT IDEA!
~

justkillmenow October 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Call the Mythbusters, stat!

AJWjr. October 5, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Drop ALL the Micheles from helicopters!

Chichikovovich October 5, 2011 at 9:16 pm

As God is my witness, I thought Bachmanns could fly!

OkieDokieDog October 5, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I'm surprised the National Guard wasn't called out to shoot those rabble rousing commie college students harassing this great leader (in her own bibley-muddled mind).
Maybe the Guard was too busy fighting GW's unfunded wars in those ferign countries somewhere.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I b'leev they were protecting Governor HUGENORMOUS FATASS from the media at the Ronald Reagan Library, or wherever the Lardbag-in-Chief was speaking.

Beetagger October 5, 2011 at 10:31 pm

That's so retro Kent Statey… love it!

gullywompr October 5, 2011 at 1:34 pm

"They clapped rhythmically and yelled questions and entreaties in Bachmann’s general direction."

And that was just her campaign staffers who quit….

dizzeeboy October 5, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Is "show us your crazy tits" an entreaty?

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 1:34 pm

"after a truck from the Poweshiek County Sheriff and two police cars arrived on the scene"

I wonder if that's the truck the county uses to pick up roadkill with.

Also, "PoweSHIEK" sounds kinda IslamoAraby. Or birth control-y.

horsedreamer_1 October 5, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Go Keokuk yourself, what, with your Chief Joseph Libel.

SudsMcKenzie October 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

What a shame, after all the time it took Marcus to "festoon" the barn.

Nothingisamiss October 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

To be fair, none of the protestors could sum up their arguments against Michele in 140 characters or less, so….No news to see here, folks.

iburl October 5, 2011 at 1:36 pm

When she's president, those drones will be working overtime to get rid of these thought-criminals.

Callyson October 5, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Riley Mangan, a freshman at Grinnell, said she thought the event would be a good opportunity to see different political views and “how a campaign works.”
“I would’ve liked to hear her and hear her rationale for what she believes and why she deserves my vote, because it’s my first time to vote,” Mangan said. “I’d like to make an informed decision and hear her views.”
Lulz, the kids still think that politicians should talk to them even if they don't pay them money first. How cute.

Blueb4sunrise October 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm

You firsted.

Boojum_Reborn October 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I think it is cute that she thinks Michelle Bachman has a "rationale" or "views" that can't be controlled by anti-psychotic medication.

Come here a minute October 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Many of the Grinnell student have the HPV vaccination, so naturally Michele had to skip out on them to avoid catching mental retardation.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

It's way too late.

KeepFnThatChicken October 5, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Or autism, or "being saved." That shit is running rampant.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Amazing how both Michele and Herman can "catch" all these otherwise apparently non-contagious ailments.

MissusBarry October 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Gotta man-up, One-L…lord knows, Marcus can't help you in this department…Presidents are actually expected to rub elbows with the vast unwashed illiterate and non-hoverrounding masses.

Boojum_Reborn October 5, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I think rubbing body parts with Michele might be an interesting experience. Kind of like the epileptic hooker in MASH.

Antispandex October 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Oh sure. There you go again, trying to make her look crazy! Just as an aside though, I'll bet you don't get any of those "I'd do her" comments. Just sayin'

Not_So_Much October 5, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Not from a human, you won't…

LesBontemps October 5, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Banging the crazy chick is an appealing idea for only so long.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:49 pm

If you're over 30, you've had enough experience being stalked and having your bunny/kid/wife boiled by the crazy chick to where you KNOW it's not a good idea.

GeorgiaBurning October 5, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Woody Allen's advice about not sleeping with anyone crazier than you are applies here- and she's crazier than almost everybody.

Geminisunmars October 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

"Hello hello. Poweshiek Police? Help me!! There are hoards of terrorists surrounding my bus. Yes – they want to kill me. I can hear them out there, screaming for my blood. Help, oh help me!! You need to send out your Swat team. Now!"

NorthStarSpanx October 5, 2011 at 2:28 pm

What do you mean budget cuts took out your SWAT Team?

Geminisunmars October 5, 2011 at 2:45 pm

And yes, that is how Miche[e spells hordes.

Boojum_Reborn October 5, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Or whoreds.

GunToting[Redacted] October 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Isn't "Powersheik" some type of industrial-strength condom?

horsedreamer_1 October 5, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Keeps the AIDS away from Marcus, for sure.

BlueMonkeh October 5, 2011 at 1:42 pm

what a chickenshit!

chascates October 5, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Eventually Bachmann will be reduced to wearing a rainbow wig and a 'John 3:16' T-shirt and appearing at football games.

High school football games.

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 1:57 pm

I would like to wear a Matthew 6: 5-6 shirt behind the High School Prayer leaders…..

comrad_darkness October 6, 2011 at 11:26 am

Didn't that guy end up taking some poor family hostage and shooting himself in the head in the end?

SheriffRoscoe October 5, 2011 at 1:44 pm

"John Wayne Quincy Adams – Our Greatest Forefather"

Subtle and snarky. I'd like to thank the kid for that one.

Nothingisamiss October 5, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Sounds like someone's been reading Wonkette.

Tundra Grifter October 5, 2011 at 2:33 pm

And they say kids today aren't getting a good education!

Although (once again, thanks to Wonkette) my all-time favorite sign remains "Sign."

Chichikovovich October 5, 2011 at 2:54 pm

My favorite was a card that read: "Please Post. Thank You"

Blueb4sunrise October 5, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Riley Mangan, a freshman at Grinnell, said she thought the event would be a good opportunity to see different political views and “how a campaign works.”
“I would’ve liked to hear her and hear her rationale for what she believes and why she deserves my vote, because it’s my first time to vote,” Mangan said. “I’d like to make an informed decision and hear her views."

Snark?

flamingpdog October 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I was sure hoping so. Putting "Michele Bachmann" and "rationale" in the same sentence made my head hurt.

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Yes. Our very own Riley "Mangan" snuck over there in a wig.

HistoriCat October 5, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Thus explaining a mysterious lack of updates from Zuccotti Park.

Barrelhse October 5, 2011 at 3:58 pm

The poor chump believes that being a national contender for the GOP nod is somehow an indication that the candidate's views are rational.

CapnFatback October 5, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Bachmann ended up not appearing until about 6:40 – after a truck from the Poweshiek County Sheriff and two police cars arrived on the scene and officers cordoned off part of the farm with police tape.

No biggie; this is just standard police procedure. They were cordoning off the place where Bachman's campaign finally died.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm

This woman makes as much sense as the lyrics to Beck's "Loser."

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Let's make it out, Guerro

Mapmonger October 5, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I was thinking in terms of the supremely daft murmurings of My Bloody Valentine, but crazy with the cheez whiz it is.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 2:11 pm

"Forces of Evil in Bozo Nightmare" could be her campaign slogan, painted on the side of her bus…

Mumbletypeg October 5, 2011 at 2:14 pm

In our time of chimpanzees, she was a monkey. Like, the organ-grinder variety — if a brain counts as an organ — only less cute, impossible to housetrain, & pitches a shrill fit when something of cross-purposes requires it to think apart from its own self-interest.

freakishlywrong October 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Where's your red meat now, Crazy eyes?

SorosBot October 5, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Rep. Bachmann ran away, she bravely ran away,
When mocking reared it's comic head, she bravely turned her tail and fled,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Rep. Bachmann.

fuflans October 5, 2011 at 2:18 pm

i am of the opinion that this gop presidential field is funnier than anything monty python ever produced.

except of course for the consequences.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:55 pm

See, if there *weren't* any consequences, everybody would be demanding the show be extended for the next umpteen-umpty seasons.

HarryButtle October 5, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Hey, Miche1e! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries. I clap rhythmically and yell questions and entreaties in your general direction. Now, go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

littlebigdaddy October 5, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Then she goes to the Castle Anthrax for spankings and oral sex.

GunToting[Redacted] October 5, 2011 at 5:45 pm

That winter, they were forced to eat Miche1e's campaign staffers.

And there was much rejoicing.

ttommyunger October 5, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Run away, run away!

SheriffRoscoe October 5, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Michele has at last resorted to campaigning at pumpkin farms, where she can preach to the pumpkins.

weejee October 5, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Just perfect for She1ey! We all have to carve-out our niche now don't we?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Somebody's just rockin' today!

Nothingisamiss October 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I don't even know what this means ( or memes) but it's hilarious.

Dudleydidwrong October 5, 2011 at 3:04 pm

And wait for the Great Jeebus Pumpkin to rise out of the pumpkin patch to turn her into a winner. Keep waiting, babe….

Biel_ze_Bubba October 6, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Clearly a failure in communications with her campaign manager.
She thought she was going to preach to the bumpkins.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I'm sure the Congresswoman was just suffering from a terrible migraine, and couldn't handle the bongos, pot smoke and loud lesbian sex.

Nothingisamiss October 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

We were all trying to be quiet, sorry.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Speak for yourself, Nothingisamiss. (SSSCHLURRRP!)

Wonderthing October 5, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Michele is blowing me right now. In my mind.

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I don't know if MB blows, but she sure sucks…

El Pinche October 5, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Marcus is watching Michele blowing you but replacing her with Eric Cantor in his mind. It's like Inception except with blow jobs.

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Wait, Inception didn't have blowjobs??? I thought…. shit, I must have dreamed it…

Chichikovovich October 5, 2011 at 2:59 pm

No *I* dreamed it. But now that you mention it there was a giant talking cat with huge teeth there. Who looked very relaxed and satisfied. And then I heard Edith Piaf…. but it turned into Hank Williams Jr.

Geminisunmars October 5, 2011 at 2:33 pm

I believe that's Contraception.

SorosBot October 5, 2011 at 2:18 pm

What, does your mind hate you?

Steverino247 October 5, 2011 at 2:30 pm

More importantly, does his mind spit or swallow?

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 3:38 pm

In my dreams, she's blowing me. . .
a kiss.

Walk tall, wonderthang.

DahBoner October 5, 2011 at 1:52 pm

"Grinnell College"

I once saw a Ani de Franco show in Iowa, and some lesbian in the audience yelled out where she was from ("Grinnell") and Ani asked her what was there?

Cows! She replied…

There ya have it folks…

SexySmurf October 5, 2011 at 1:57 pm

How do you know she was a lesbian (besides the fact she was at an Ani de Franco concert)?

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Short fingernails?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Dead giveaway.

Mumbletypeg October 5, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Strange way of showin' that you're all about the kids.

Tundra Grifter October 5, 2011 at 2:35 pm

No kidding. Her family is larger than my high school senior class.

Sue4466 October 5, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Okay, then. We need a troupe of snarky sign holders to follow Bachmann around so she'll never speak again. Problem solved!

El Pinche October 5, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Sue, you are a brilliant problem solver !

Nothingisamiss October 5, 2011 at 2:16 pm

She's making it too easy.

Sue4466 October 5, 2011 at 2:29 pm

If she were a real candidate, I can see the ad now. It's 2 p.m. Red phone rings in the White House. Pan through the empty Oval Office. Pan through the empty hallways of the West Wing. Pan to an empty bed in the presidential bedroom. Text on screen: Where is President Bachmann? Pan back to the presidential bedroom. Marcus outside a closet (irony!) saying softly "I made them put the 'where are the jobs' signs away honey. It's okay to come out now (second irony)." Flash to latest evil doer doing evil shit. Text: "When the phone rings at 2 a.m., will Bachmann be ready? Or will she be hiding from college students?"

baconzgood October 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Unrelated to this post.

Baconz took Mz Baconzgood Jr (the intern) out to show her how "real buisness" is done and we just got back. She said "Damn…is that how you conduct your buisness lunches? You two drank more at lunch than I've seen frats drink on a Friday night"

Baconz responce was "type up this contract (written on a cocktail napkin) and call J**** to meet us tonight after it's typed. I want his signature on it while he's still liquored up and before he takes his flight back at 9 AM."

(This comment is 100% snark free)

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 2:03 pm

How did you avoid all the protesters on that street outside your office, Baconz?

baconzgood October 5, 2011 at 2:47 pm

People didn't even protest during the G-20 in this city. PGH FAIL!!!!

(well not REALLY PROTEST)

BaldarTFlagass October 5, 2011 at 3:02 pm

At least, not as much as they protested Rapelisberger's four-game suspension, amirite?

baconzgood October 5, 2011 at 3:23 pm

NAH. Big Ben is a bum. We all wanted him to get kicked outta the NFL. CHARLIE BATCH RULZ!!!! but I grew up in Homestead so I'm biased-ya know local boy does good, just like Jeff Goldblum. My sister went to Jr. High with him ya know.

WhatTheHolyHeck October 5, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I think you meant to post this on the William Bennett thread.

Terry October 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Mad Men is based on your life then?

baconzgood October 5, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I could drink the (hiccup) legs under (hiccup) those bozos table.

Nothingisamiss October 5, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I love your work updates, baconz. Tell the intern hello from the wonkette field of dreams.

baconzgood October 5, 2011 at 2:53 pm

She's thinking of getting her own wonkette accounty now. I feel bad for her because she's a Non-paid intern. So she's a slave…actually she's paying to work for free. So I give her a couple hundred bucks every Friday outta my own pocket. She really deserves it. I'm not the easiest person to work with.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:05 pm

You might be crazy as a loon and a tough taskmaster, but you're pretty fucking funny and smart as a whip. If it weren't for the fact that I'm done with all that work shit, I might pay money to work for you. (Not much, though. ;-)

baconzgood October 5, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I was a Non-paid intern and the dude that I did it for showed me how to "slack"…..Man…..He was the Yoda of office prank. He's the one that showed me how to correctly sneak a dead rat into an air duct system with a broom handle….I miss him, I was a pallbearer at his funeral and still grocery shop for his widow.

(this comment is 100% snark free)

Chet Kincaid October 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

When you take your time machine back to 1964, how do you make sure you don't arrive before the last time?

DaRooster October 5, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Atta boy!! Drinkin' and a signin'!

weejee October 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Not John Wayne Gacy Adams?

Sorry, just clowning around.

SheriffRoscoe October 5, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I know. There are just too many directions the kid could have taken that.

imissopus October 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Slightly OT but I thought I'd put this in a couple of threads. This dude from Second City is helping out the OWS protesters in their quest for media coverage:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/05/andy-cob

fuflans October 5, 2011 at 2:34 pm

beautiful.

Goonemeritus October 5, 2011 at 2:04 pm

“This is so much like the response she had that one time when a couple lesbians tried to approach her”

That’s not fair lesbians never approach me.

Geminisunmars October 5, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Well, how much time do you spend hiding out in the women's restroom?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Maybe you shouldn't have asked that, Gemini. I mean, do we *really* want to know about Goonemeritus' weird, kinky little paraphilias?

Geminisunmars October 5, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Why do you think I even come to Wonketteland? For all the paraphilias.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Ah, yes, of course. Carry on, then.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Are your fingernails short? Is your hair clean? Long? Do you have nice tits? If you answered "No" to any of these questions, consider a LesbianMakeover.

HobbesEvilTwin October 5, 2011 at 2:05 pm

It sure was nice of those police to set up a "free speech zone" for those kooky college kids.

V572 Moon! October 5, 2011 at 2:08 pm

OT, but all her admirers should note that the beauteous Tamron Hall is doing her show right now down with los Occupados on Wall Street. Do it, Tamron! And give Riley a kiss!

On topic: Grinnell is a private, endowed ($2B!) liberal arts school — of which there are many more than you'd expect in Iowa — that had the good sense and high standards to flunk my brother out years ago.

veritass October 5, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Meanwhile, Marcus dressed up in his favorite cowboy outfit and told the farmers that he could "save them" if they just stayed quiet and followed him into the back of the festooned barn.

Mahousu October 5, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Michele would have spoken to the students, but they only had five forms of ID, not the required six. That's why she had to call the police on them.

Terry October 5, 2011 at 2:13 pm

She must know by this point that she no longer has a chance.

Geminisunmars October 5, 2011 at 2:30 pm

We can only hope that she is suffering terribly because of that.

Tundra Grifter October 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Terry:

At the end, when everyone else knows all hope is lost, they usually hunker in the bunker.

jus_wonderin October 5, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Is she going to be rousted out all disheveled, having grown out her beard?

FlownOver October 5, 2011 at 2:40 pm

You mean "know," as in "exercise rational thought to reach a reality-based conclusion? Commenter, PLEASE!

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Just like her wedding night.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 5, 2011 at 4:45 pm

The game is not over until they are under a desk in the fetal position.

mourningnmerica October 6, 2011 at 1:44 am

She must know by this point that water is wet.

piniella October 6, 2011 at 6:10 pm

But but but…Jeebus told her to run!!!

Ducksworthy October 5, 2011 at 2:22 pm

One L is the classic example of a former liberal who has been lesbian raped.

fuflans October 5, 2011 at 2:26 pm

i bet she was wearing ugly shoes too.

Tundra Grifter October 5, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Years ago, when the former San Francisco Police Chief was running for Mayor, he ran away from a gay crowd so fast he lost one of his shoes.

They auctioned it off.

SheriffRoscoe October 5, 2011 at 2:29 pm

"Some college kids have just showed up on private property to crash a private party! Quick, call the police to cordon off an area for them to stand around in!"

Michele's story doesn't make sense to me, but one thing I've learned is, never delve into a crazy person's story.

FlownOver October 5, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Sounds likeit wouldn't take that much effort to guarantee we never have to see her bony ass in public again. Somebody post her itinerary and a signup list.

Redhead October 5, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Shit, to Michele, just existing is a threat if you're one of the 98237498263597283958273 different colors/genders/religions/sexual orientations that offend her.

Redhead October 5, 2011 at 2:40 pm

PS – What does Gawker have against anus burgers and Ken? ( http://gawker.com/5846865/did-the-new-iphone-brea… – "This Doritos = Anonymous thing reminds me a lot of the Anus Burgers running-gag that helped make Wonkette the hideous train wreck it is today. I would think if you could have only one goal as a writer, you should at least go for "never reminding anyone of Ken Layne's prose style ever, even by accident.")

Is it because he doesn't make commenters audition for the "privilege" of commenting on his site and then constantly threaten to ban them because he's pmsing?

SorosBot October 5, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Considering how poor the quality of commenting on Gawker has gotten lately, Ken should take an insult from one of them as a complement.

donner_froh October 5, 2011 at 3:44 pm

An insult from Gawker should be worn like a medal of blogger honor.

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Oh, bitch (referring to gawker of course) please. Gawker traded its credibility to Gossip Girl for a hand job years ago (sorry, Jim).

Thanks, Redhead for reminding me to never break my vow to never give that aspires-to-be-a-cesspool a page view again.

Redhead October 5, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I just felt like I should show SOME kind of solidarity to the other redhead from this site… but I really don't get how it works over there. If anyone says anything funny, a mob of uberearnest commenters goes after them for being mean, all the while making fun of the uberearnest trying-too-hard hipsters they act like. And then the editors ban them all for using the word "purple" in a sentence, which became against the rules .3 seconds ago. Yet people still get grovel-y over being able to AUDITION to leave uberearnest, not funny at all comments. AND they make fun of anus burgers and the brilliance that is Ken Layne.

I'd say Wonketteers should launch a comment-bombing war like we used to do with that one blog (was it the birther one? I just remember the bad 90s layout/color scheme/fonts that made your head hurt), but the Gawkerites'd probably take "bomb" and "war" seriously and report us to the FBI or something. Humph.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm

WARBLOG!!!!!!!!

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Best thing to happen to Wonkette was to be free of Gawker. It only got better as the former overlord got worse.

DaRooster October 5, 2011 at 2:54 pm

She was probably at a family reunion or some shit.

Troglodeity October 5, 2011 at 3:04 pm

This could really harm Michelle's campaign for Deputy Secretary of Health & Human Services.

owhatever October 5, 2011 at 3:34 pm

She should visit us in Colorado at a cantaloupe farm. We would promise no protesters at all would show up, and she can devour some delicious cantaloupe slices and talk about the President badly. Then eat some more cantaloupe. All that stuff about cantaloupes carrying a deadly disease is the usual librul propaganda, Michele. Come, eat, teach, eat, and enjoy. It's a wonderful day in Colorado.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:23 pm

You don't like Teh KrayKray LayD much, do you?

jus_wonderin October 5, 2011 at 3:35 pm

"And then Michele sent all of these students to be waterboarded by Jesus and St. Paul at Gitmo for a thousand years, in her mind."

This is exactly the plot of an old (and new) Twilight Zone I was watching the other day. Did she turn her head down looking out through distainful, evil eyes disapprovingly, wishing them into the cornfield???

FakaktaSouth October 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm

"And then Michele sent all of these students to be waterboarded by Jesus and St. Paul at Gitmo for a thousand years, in her mind."

I wonder if we could get some kind of Waterboarded FOR Jesus program going. Like extreme baptisms or something. I bet they would totally go for it. I would go to church to see that.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I'd go with you. (Yeah, the church would probably collapse. It's been that long.)

FakaktaSouth October 5, 2011 at 4:29 pm

You and me both, I can see the lightning and walls a tumbling down. We could go around just tearing shit up – like some kind of "reclaiming this property for something that will pay property taxes" destruction tour.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I'll bring my claw hammer.

FakaktaSouth October 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Oh my god that is going to be my new response to everything.
"They got $3 Margaritas at Jalepeno's tonight." – "I'll bring my claw hammer."

BTWBFDIMHO October 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Clearly, she can't tolerate other people making fun of her. Surprise, surprise. Guess who else took her/himself very seriously?

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Er … Hitler?

donner_froh October 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Enough crazy ineptitude Michele. It is fun reading about how insane you are but it's time to move on to Fox News.

savethispatient October 5, 2011 at 3:53 pm

"entreaties in Bachmann’s general direction."
Obviously the author is a Python fan, is 'entreaties' a fancy journalism-school word for "fart"?

hagajim October 5, 2011 at 4:00 pm

"Poweshiek County "? Is this where all the shiek's without oil live? Isn't that some sharia law violation on Shelley's part?

Monsieur_Grumpe October 5, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I’m beginning to think she wouldn’t make a very good president.

AntonovBureau October 5, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Attention sociology and/or psychology students:
Please conduct some live experiments to figure out what formula of events, chants, cat-calls, signs, etc give Michelle one of her evil headaches and make her go all Crazy. No control subject necessary.

ttommyunger October 5, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Iowa farm clod Danny must be angling for some Federal Assistance (which could be facilitated in her role as a Congresswoman), not even an Iowa farmer is dumb enough to invest actual money in the furtherance of this dumb twat's Presidential aspirations.

comrad_darkness October 6, 2011 at 11:23 am

I get it now. She isn't running for president, she's running for Queen. No reason to mix with the peasantry in that case.

piniella October 6, 2011 at 6:09 pm

She's a frigging paranoid coward.

datateday October 7, 2011 at 12:13 am

Michelle Bachmann makes a good Bible!

flamingpdog October 5, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Pfft, if someone could get Chris Christie to lose 50 pounds and donate the excess skin to CrazyEyes, that problem would be solved.

V572 Moon! October 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

They've built a whole platform out of butt-hurted-ness. Even when they had Chimpy in the WH, both houses of Congress, and SCOTUS, they were running around whining about how the big mean liberals were always taking their lunch money. It's a pose, of course, but it appeals to to the people who actually have been hurt by the last 12 years of top-down class warfare.

AJWjr. October 5, 2011 at 3:30 pm

PeeWee Herman football, since today is mash shit up Wednesday.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

The only way Governor Fatass D'Lardbag is gonna lose 50 lb is if someone staples his jaw, and his gut, shut.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Peewee Herman Cain football?

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 3:54 pm

I haz a jellis. I wish I could smoke n' snark at the same time. Damn workplace compliance and that.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:11 pm

And Michele does worse than most.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:13 pm

They only let me have this wonder drug because I haz a gimp. Trade you my bad leg for your good one, AND I'll throw in my stash of pot. ;)

Boojum_Reborn October 5, 2011 at 4:41 pm

At least you have these things to explain your incipient insanity. Imagine if your childhood was idyllic and you were STILL crazy as a three legged bed bug!

poncho_pilot October 5, 2011 at 9:15 pm

no problem. i'm pretty much an open book. definitely your maternal unit is crazier than mine. it's a good thing she's practically blind. it's possible we wouldn't have your excellent commentary otherwise. i was hit rarely and it was usually due to my mom being coerced into it by other family members.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm

See what I mean? You're such a decent human being underneath all that snark. Kudos for taking care of the man's widow.

Boojum_Reborn October 5, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Or cuts off a toe.

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I was thinking about my Camel Blues but now I'm filling out a 'good luck' card for one unlucky leg. . .

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Go ahead, sweetie, I'm listening.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Yeah, I have to go get it sliced upon again soon. Fuckin' drag.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 4:59 pm

It's wrong of me to laugh out loud at that, isn't it?

Boojum_Reborn October 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Nothing to see here.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I ain't goin' drinkin' with ya if yer gonna bring one, though. Don't wanna get my ass beat to the deserving pulp I know it will be. ;-)

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Dag, that's rough, PAD. Thoughts are with you. Keep me posted.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 5:21 pm

It's actually relatively minor, I'm just whining because it sucks and I might miss my mighty Wonkeratti for a week or more. :P

Thanks, pal.

widestanceshakedown October 5, 2011 at 5:31 pm

(points to reply slope forming above) I think replies will be limited to 2 characters soon.

Boojum_Reborn October 5, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Only if he actually cuts of a toe. Or, no, not even then. Yes, laugh.

102415 October 5, 2011 at 8:47 pm

I want a club.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 8:49 pm

I sense an entrepreneurial opportunity …

102415 October 5, 2011 at 9:06 pm

You're going to sell a lot of clubs ;)

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Oh, she's *totally* blind now, having popped her clogs a few years ago. And, yes, she was pretty much the craziest of parental units while alive. Thanks for the compliment.

PalinzADummy October 6, 2011 at 1:14 pm

That was John!

Doktor Zoom October 6, 2011 at 2:54 pm
PalinzADummy October 6, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I'll getchu for that, Dok. Some day.

AmericanBeauty October 11, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Many hugs for you too, dear. I hope she, and you, have found peace and can get on with life without much sorrow.

AmericanBeauty October 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

The menz are leather upholstered in liederhosen.

PalinzADummy October 11, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I made my peace with her before she died. It was pretty obvious that she was a nasty piece of business, and she wasn't ever going to change, so I just stopped expecting her to be anything else, and then we mostly got along fine.

But thanks for the good wishes, nonetheless.

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