Well, that’s it! The Republicans’ “Jersey Jesus” of capitalism, gigantic space blob Chris Christie, announced all super-formal like that he will not run for President despite a year’s worth of weepy pleas from the club of Republican insider weiners who begged him with platters of diamond-encrusted donuts and filthy Kochsucker cash to rescue them from the nightmarishly incompetent field of wax-figure knobgoblins stacking the current GOP presidential field. This is Christie’s “definitive” response following a few weeks of tense, feverish piddling from the media over whether he would join the race, which means we should be reading another “Will Christie run even though he is fat?” headline in a couple weeks.
From NJ.com:
At a jammed Statehouse news conference, Gov. Chris Christie announced today that he would not seek the Republican nomination for president in 2012.
“What I felt was the right decision remains the right decision,” Christie said. “Today is not my time.
“I will not abandon my commitment to New Jersey. I will fix a broken New Jersey. I’m proud of the work we’ve done, but I know I’m not nearly done.”
Yeah, there are a few well-paid teachers and small kids with state health insurance still miraculously wandering around New Jersey in 2011. HIS WORK IS NOT DONE. [NJ.com]
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The good news is we won't have to buy a bigger Air Force One to fly him around in.
And he is three times the man I am… literally.
Air Force 3X.
Ugh. Please do not mention XXX and Christie in the same thread.
Well he's already publicly fucked all of New Jersey's teachers and school children.
Air Force One is plenty big enough.
If it makes two trips.
Christie needs no plane – just fill the fucker with helium.
But if he were President deficits wouldn't matter so he could buy a fleet of the biggest, most expensive, pimped out Lockheeds with cracked open Social Security and Medicare funds.
"You won't have Christie to roll around anymore."
ha. we'll never get to ask, "Who will answer the phone at 3am…when Christie calls for pizza?!?!"
"At a jammed Statehouse news conference….." Governor Christie stood alone in the room.
And now Obama can't run as the Anti-Christie.
Fiendishly clever as always, G.O.P.!
~
I of course first read this as "At a jammed Steakhouse news conference…," which made total sense.
i did too.
You are relentless!
He can't run. Seriously. Waddle for President would of been his best.
"I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck." –Lenny
I love that alt-text. It is so crisply written.
A 430 pound man obviously cannot run… for anything. He might be Hoveround™ing for Preznit in 2016, though…
"I will fix a broken New Jersey. I’m proud of the work we’ve done, but I know I’m not nearly done."
I feel sorry for New Jersey.
So I guess Perry won't be around to "fix a broken Texas". Too bad.
NJ's "broken" cos the fat fuck sat on it
Dude. You ARE done. Push yourself away from the self-serve, all-you-can-eat buffet! Good goshums!
finally we can collectively turn our attention to the other important news affecting our crumbling nation – Michael Jackson's Doctor and the Knox girl.
and before you ask – yes, all 3 will be on next season's 'Dancing With the Stars.'
Oh my God, Amanda Knox on Dancing With The Stars – GENIUS!!!
The word that crossed my mind was "inevitable."
just don't turn your back on her
I'm waiting on her to do the sabre dance.
"I will not waste my time hauling my very fat ass around Iowa and New Hampshire only to lose because these fucking wingnuts won't vote for anything but Jeebus+TAXCUTS, and I can only give them TAXCUTS."
When does the "Snooki for Governor" campaign start?
Instead of "throwing her hat into the ring," Snooki will be throwing her bump-it into a hot tub. And you better vote for her or The Situation will throw you through a plate glass window.
Koch tease.
"The era of big, giant, sweaty, bloated, pizza-sweating, fat-as-fuck government is over. Well, except in New Jersey."
I said THREE Whoppers with cheese, damn it!
And, biggie size it.
And a Diet Coke! Thx!!
I thought for sure he was going to announce the new double McRib.
This is good news for Sarah Palin?
It's bad news for the Rethuglican fund-raiser catering industry, that's for sure.
I'm sure they're actually relieved. They could never get enough margin to cover the food bills at a Christie fundraiser.
I can see Christie rolling, waddling and Rascal riding, but never running unless it was to the nearest Countrytime Buffet.
Oh right, running for preznit.
They closed down our Countrytime Buffet in my area of NJ. Don't know, never went there. It was replaced by a Texas Roadhouse which sounds even less appealing as, having road a motorcycle in Texas for months, I am always reminded of Texas Roadkill.
And then fat Jesus accused POTUS of "not leading" again. Irony wept.
i'd rather vote for Simon Pegg.
Oh, MUCH rather. Good god, Simon Pegg is hilarious as FUCK all, and way easier on the eyes than the SuperSized NJ guv.
"I will fix a broken New Jersey." What, did he sit on it?
Further proof that Gov. Christie is mortally afraid of anything that involves the word "running."
Ok I held my toung long enough on this so.
JESUS CHRIST CHRIS!!! BUY A FUCKING NORDICTRACK OR SOMTHING. FUCKIN' EH!!! JERSEY HAS MILES AND MILES OF BEACH LINE! YOU GET NEAR IT SOMEONE WILL TRY TO PUSH YOUR FAT ASS BACK IN THINKING YOU'VE BEACHED YOUR SELF OR AHAB'S GONNA CHUCK A HARPOON AT YOU YOU FAT FUCK!!!
(tough love people it worked for my sister as a kid and now she weighs 92 lbs and pukes after every Thanksgiving dinner)
Wow. Would you be my lifestyle coach?
SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT AND CUT ME A CHECK MOTHER FUCKER!
Wow. You are really good!
He's channeling R. Lee Ermey. TEN-HUT!!!
You must be so proud!
Is that bulimia or just the booze? In either case, I hope she can aim in your direction.
How many times has he said "No" now?
5?
12?
22?
113?
Never — at least not to a donut.
all of them katey
The clincher in his decision came when he was told his helicopter could not land directly on the stages he would speak from. Apparently there was to be "walking" from the landing area.
After that recent earthquake, do we really want Governor Christie Creme overloading the seaward side of that fault?
If there was a 'Salamination' he would run for sure. or at least walk briskly.
And Francisco Franco is still dead.
"THE TOP STORY FOR TONIGHT………………………"
Fidel Castro announced he was withdrawing from Angola. A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.
That sound you hear is the sound of thousands of donut shops across the country closing down.
"New Jersey, whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me."
Mostly because the Holland Tunnel isn't wide enough.
I wonder what the record is on reporting on something that didn't happen?
Ask Sarah Palin.
That might be the only thing she just can't quit!
Y2K?
"I've made this commitment to my state," the governor said. "I'm just not prepared to walk away.
Translation: I've got a sweet, sweet deal here in Joisey, and besides that, I'm physically incapable of doing anything so plebeian as "walking." That's why I've got those State Police helicopters on permanent retainer. Duh.
"Much as I woud like to, I simply cannot eat all of the current field of candidates. At least not in one sitting."
I was so hoping for a Christie/Palin ticket, if only for the inevitable performance art that would ensue every time she felt compelled to eye-poke Michelle Obama by stuffing ever more more more french fries into his gullet and then waxing poetic about the emissions, for freedom.
Plus the kick-ass slogan:
FAT FUCK / DUMB FUCK 2012!
I was hoping maybe he'd eat her, thereby shutting her gob for good.
I only vote for people that can't see their feet!
Brando/Taft 2012
Well, this is good news for the White House grocery budget in 2013.
Even better, is the sweet, sweet thought that this guy was the GOP's Great (Big) Dream Candidate.
And so ended the political career of Snow White's eighth dwarf, Piggy…
I'd like to announce that I am not running for President either, but I am definitely starting a diet today. Thank you Governor, for your inspiration.
"My job in New Jersey is my passion. New Jersey, whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me."
Poor New Jersey. So far from God, so close to Chris Christie…
It's the gravitational force. Like with a black hole, Jersey can't escape.
And remember, New Jerseyites, especially any who may be of Christie size yourselves, don't get too close: remember that gravitational attraction varies inversely with the *square* of the distance.
Governor Christie added, "I want to spend more time with my family's dinner."
Also:
He once jokingly suggested that he would have to commit suicide to convince people to stop asking him to run.
Not necessary, Governor, but if you insist…
He's too busy playing Rage.
Ooo, just got that today myself; maybe I can take him in multi-player!
This is unconfirmed, but I've heard his handle is "TwoFat4You". Let's kick his ass!
Am I the only one whose is disappointed that he's not running? He takes vulgar loud mouth to new level that we haven’t yet seen at the debates. I could see him at a debate holding a bucket of KFC with extra chicken skin talking with his mouth full on how stupid everyone around him is and why he won’t answer any questions about his children going to private schools will he cuts funding for public schools.
"A bucket of KFC with extra chicken skin…" L to the O to the L!!!
God, I'm hungry. Lunchtime! (in my neck of the woods)
I do wonder if Chris will run to be our second Moon. And I'd pay to see a cow try to jump over him.
That's no moon! That's a Death Governor!
"It's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home, they're not much bigger than two meters."
Glad Luke is going into the trench on this one.
That's no moon, that's a space station!
He'd eat the cow.
Let's please not use "Chris Christie" and "moon" in the same sentence, OK?
Hey, at least we were denied the spectacle of a U.S. President appearing on "America's Biggest Loser".
Stock for the Golden Corral just took a nosedive.
But the small business owners in The Diner State are having a celebratory banquet tonight. Extra helpings of moussaka for all! And don't forget the Pepsi, Pepsi.
I guess the media who will have to find someone else who is not running for president to cover. I heard Bob McDonnell isn't running for president either, that should fill copy for at least three months until the GOP primary clusterfuck hits full stride.
This unfortunately is the death knell for the industry of writing-endless-stories-about-whether-Christie-will-run. Or is it?
Think of how many jobs will be lost!
Maybe they can start speculating about Clinton challenging Obama in the primary again.
I don't buy it. This is another one of Christie's phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo ops.
Next we will have a round of navel-gazing as the Fourth Estate examines why it spent so much time on covering this non-story. And another hundred real issues will fail to be examined.
I have to say it's refreshing to hear a discussion, not only about the elephant in the room, but with the elephant in the room doing most of the talking.
Babar?
"I will fix a broken New Jersey"
Then why have you been doing everything in your power to break it further?
That was beautiful. With multiple levels of meaning, even.
He needs to fix all the broken chairs he has undoubtedly crushed in the governors mansion.
Drumthwacket the Governor's mansion, or Dumfucket as it has been known since Christie moved in, has some rare three legged Louis Something or other chairs which, if Christie sat on them would have to be surgically removed.
Job security? No, that's not quite right…
Considering how hated he's become in Jersey, he probably doesn't have much of that anymore.
I'm not saying he's fat but…
every time they show his picture on the TV my floor creaks
when he leaves the Piggly Wiggly the sign sais sold out
they redistricted his chins
etc.
Piggly Wiggly has merged with HEB, formerly HE Butt Grocers, to become Wiggly Butt and they put Christie on the BoD.
Butt libel!!
His wife uses string and chalk to mark off the hugs.
His kids have to hug him in laps.
When he sits down, his stomach drapes over his knees.
The gubernatorial limousine is a flatbed truck with a camper shell.
Omar the Tentmaker tailors all his clothes.
Just in case y'all remember, or forgot but would like to remember, an astutely rendered observation of this corpulent Behemoth before he dunders back into lesser office:
Thanking you still, James Michael Curely, and by way of association Rileywaggs, for his post about the maggot-riddled chair-fused bottom-dweller freak, which generated multiple Christie references.
Oh great. Your loss is our loss too!
Thank you for not running for president. Please accept this wafer-thin mint as a token of my appreciation.
Don't forget the bucket!
and don't skimp on the pate'
Damn! I guess I need a doggiebag.
Darn! I had all my fat bastard jokes ready too.
Meh. It would have been a waddle at best.
The Teatards would never vote for this guy. What are the pundits thinking?
The debates woulda been interesting; Christie woulda eaten Santorum for lunch.
EWWWWWW! That's unsanitary.
I believe santorum would be more of a condiment.
Your move, George Pataki…
Too bad. The GOP field still has an opening HUGE enough to hold a heavyweight like Christie.
Clearly this means Zombie Reagan will be in the race before Halloween.
Many are called, a few are busy at the buffet.
It's a wonderful day in Utah! The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang out a loud Hall-ah-lululu-yah for Mittens Romney. It has been foretold that after having defeated the evil Christie Hutt, he will now smite all the heathen non-Mormons and use their blood to pave the way to the Garden of Eden in Missouri.
Hasa Diga, Eebowai.
<DIV style=”font-family:Arial, sans-serif; font-size:10pt;”>The Book of Mittens.— notifications@intensedebatemail.com wrote:
With Rick Perry now running alongside the pizza man, Mittens must be feeling pretty good about now. It is amazing what guys named Rick can do in a campaign to run it into the ditch simply by being themselves. Santorum will never be associated with anything other than anal sex leftovers and Perry with the hunting camp and being tenderhearted (I know, the baggers actually consider perry soft on immigration?) to the brown folks. It is funny to see the fundies shitting their collective pants at the thought of a Mormon leader. But then again, it is also kind of scary from the other side of the intellectual spectrum as well.
OMG. They are really going to run with the pack of nincompoops they already have. America, your time has come…. or is this just a clarion call for the squeaky bitch from the North?
So, if I were a Big Time Political Analyst, I guess my headline would be "Christie leaves the door open to a possible run"
In an alternate Universe somewhere, Governor Christie is standing at the back door of the White House as the Obamas trudge out, and in his hand is a 5 Napkins hamburger with cheese and bacon on it. Fat is dripping down out of the hamburger, and he is sneering as his eyes lock with Michelle's.
You had me at "5 Napkins Hamburger." Pray tell, where do I find that?
Sounds good…
He emits a low, long, growling fart which gains in volume and frequency as it breaks free from the prison of Christie's perianal region where it trumpets like Satan's own Gabriel sounding a hellhorn. In a torrent of foul wind, laced with scatol, sulphur dioxide and rancid grease the newly elected president smiles, bits of burger and bacon trapped helplessly between teeth and says "Gimme da keys and get da fuck outta here!" and walks through the door, falling through the floor to his death and making it the shortest presidency to date. The End!!!!11!!!
Fix New Jersey? Shore he will.
This really thins the field.
Zing!
(I liked it.)
Big man, pig man: ha ha, so broad you are!
I am not sure why this story tugs at my heart? Enormous Fat Man Gravity Well????? Please pull me back before I go over the event horizon.
Christie/Palin would have been a genius move–the two half term governors.
At least until he accidentally inhaled her.
Christ Christie has arms and hands? Wait, that's CGI.
Waiting for the speculation on Mitch Daniels entering the race and whether he's too short and weird-looking to be preznit in 3,2,1…
Mitch Daniels can't do it. Too much skeletony stuff in his closet.
*BEEEP!*
*BEEEP!*
*BEEEP!*
Christie backing up. I see what you did there.
His Appleby's "Your Table is Ready " pager keeps going off.
How did it make the declared candidates feel – even the vanity ones – that so many people were begging Mr. Christie to run?
Down at the bottom of the barrel – below the margin of error – rest Ole Crazy Eyes, Newt, Santorum, et. al.
Elsewhere, it says he 'listened to his gut'. In other words, the Lard spoke to him and he obeyed.
I think there's still a chance he'll run.
well that's it folks. meet your official 2012 republican candidate mitt romney.
though we can always hope…
Somewhere in the solar system, a planet has lost one of its moons…
Are we sure the Cristie hasn't eaten the corpse- of-reaganite messiah?
In other news, the iPhone 5 also announced that it wasn't going to run for President, today.
This is bad news for both Apple fans, and for Apple Pie fans. A la mode, also too.
Cakes are done. People are finished. You of all people should know this, Christie.
Rats. No Presidential Hoveround.
With Christie it would take a forklift – a big one at that.
How awesome would that have been — Forklift One.
I was thinking more along the lines of a Super-sized Pope-mobile.
"I will fix a broken New Jersey."
So… is that his way of announcing his nuclear weapons program?
Republicans are so disappointed — Christie was the last remaining potential candidate they could fall swoonily in love with and then three weeks later accuse of being a filthy liberal RINO. This was like the cattle-call phase of American Idol, and from here on out it gets steadily more on-message and top-40 sounding and just plain tedious. For the next fourteen months.
Vulgar Corporate Pig Officially Not Running For GOP Nomination
So they have no candidates at all, now?
Maitre D: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
Mr Christie: No.
Maitre D: Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin one.
Mr Christie: No. Fuck off – I'm full… [Belches]
Maitre D: Oh sir… it's only *wafer* thin.
Mr Christie: Look – I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely
stuffed. Bugger off.
Maitre D: Oh sir, just… just *one*…
Mr Christie: Oh all right. Just one.
Maitre D: Just the one, sir… voila… bon appetit…
*takes cover*
If he was a foot taller he'd be round.
Still several months to locate that "generic Republican" that the voters say they prefer over Obama.
"Now is not the time… I got a rib eatin' contest this afternoon followed by a Whopper tasting and then a Freedom Fries Festival…"
OT, but oh dear God, holy shit, fuck, someone, help me, help me, I never thought this day would come, Ioh, god someone, I am not kidding, I am really seriously telling the truth, this just happened, just this minute, I went out to get the mail, and, and, oh fucking fuckety fuck fuck fuck, there was a letter, . . . .
From the AARP
Do I get to drink earlier, or more excessively, on this day of passage to a different time of life?
Welcome to the Dark Side.
"Relax, have a cigar, make yourself at home. Hell is full of high court
judges, failed saints. We've got Cardinals, Archbishops, barristers,
certified accountants, music critics, they're all here. You're not alone.
You're never alone, not here you're not. OK break's over."
The answer is both: start drinking earlier and drink more. It's a rite of passage.
Oh, fuck, yeah. I celebrated (ha) by getting untranslatably drunk and fucking my brains out. You should too.
You didn't open the envelope did you? I received my AARP welcome letter a few years back and it, and every subsequent missive, has been thrown promptly into the trash unopended. Partly vanity and part anger (still) at AARP lobbying Dubya for the (unpaid for) prescription drug bill.
There's a CARD in it, I didn't open it, but it says right on it, "card inside." Those fuckers, its still 6 weeks away, how do they know?
The teatards hate "big government" and Christie is a big governor. It wouldn't have worked.
Welp, I know he sucks butt for teachers and labor. I know he is a bully. I know he is a fat ass that likes to use helicopters and limos for legs, buuuuut, he was the least scary to me, the least OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE???? and now its back to nothing but Willard, Longshot "Herb" and The Hair. Good Lord.
Yeah, as long as you are rich like him, he's the bee's knees. But its documented he has been meeting with the Kochs, yup, its that brazen, these GOP lick-spittles actually appear before the Koch's on command and receive their marching orders in person. Mittens might not be worse than Christie, mittens is nearly as rich as the Kochs, they can't buy him, and hell, he passed a health care plan, hell, he even lived in taxachusetts, voluntarily. Sure, he's talking like a troglodyte right now, he has to to win over the fucktard and pigfucker vote in the primaries, but he could be ok. On the other hand, he's a fucking mormon, God, noone will be hired to work for the government who isn't a mormon (it happens to every company thats taken over by a mormon).
My fear of Mitt is if he gets elected, it's gonna have to be in a big old Republican sweep all around and the guy truly seems to be WHATEVER you want him to be. He's like the worst prostitute fantasy ever. He just doesn't seem to have any true moral compass or opinions. (I REEEEEALLY don't believe this will happen. I go to sleep at night chanting 70/30…70/30…Barack will win 70/30)
That's a good point about the money though. No one needs to buy him, but the dude never met a thought someone else didn't give him.
With all the primary shuffling going on re: FL and SC and filing deadline for NH in less then 30 days the fat fuck didn't have time for a proper run whether he wanted to run or not. But he will remain a potent presence in conservative butter dishes for countless calories to come, as his recent call for all right-thinking Americans to join him at the Occupy a Peter Lugar's Banquette protest indicates.
He could always get drafted, I suppose.
God help me, I though that sentence started "At a jammed STEAK house news conference…" and I didn't think anything about it. Of course, he'd have a press conference at a steak house.
Damn it. I was so looking forward to all the irony laden speeches as he talked about "shared sacrifice", "belt tightening", and how "one size doesn't fit all". Maybe One L can bilk the government tit for staff salaries long enough to keep the GOP Primaries interesting.
Given that the country pays for the prez's wardrobe, I think him not running could be worth a few hundred thousand a year in suit material.
Just think of the MILLIONS we'll save in not having to remodel the entire fucking WH so he can sit on the fucking terlets without breaking them. Or getting stuck in the bathtub.
We're gonna need a bigger helicopter.
Hey guys, can we watch it with the fat jokes? A lot of people here are struggling with their own weight and I just want to be sensitive to that. I know obesity is a serious health problem and emblematic of America's inability to deal with it's own ballooning issues, but the pervasive anti-fat attitudes really do present an extra challenge to our obese population, many of whom suffer from chronically low self-esteem and doubt their ability to make positive changes in their life.
Also maybe we could focus our attention on substantive criticism, like the myriad scandals and dysfunction that have plagued NJ ever since Christie came in to office. For instance, maybe we could make a joke about when Christie single-handedly scuttled a vital and hard-won deal for a train tunnel connecting NYC with NJ mere weeks before the construction would begin, retarding his state's economic growth for decades to come and punishing all the working people in NYC. Something like that.
"Substantive criticism??"
Greg, this is Wonkette.
Nice thought, but people are gonna hate on fat folks for a long long time. It is the last safe place where one can treat someone like shit with no pangs of conscience or worries about being thought ill of. If you *are* going to be an even mildly overweight person in public life you know what you are getting into and what will happen. For the rest of us fat folks we just feel the disgust and move on, we keep trying and maybe we might wind up looking somewhat normal someday, but probably not. For those of you who haven't had the experience of being looked at with total revulsion it actually is an experience not to be missed. You learn who the good people are without having to go to a lot of work. That much being said, since I am "one of them" I'll take a shot at someone like Christie in a heartbeat since all is fair in politics these days.
Exactly, his weight is as insignificant as skin color and there are so many substantive things for which Christie can be attacked.
Chris Christie's so fat his blood has the consistency of gravy.
"Come on Mr. Christie, the presidency is wafer-thin!"
In a Manhattan penthouse a transvestite is racing to the bathroom to wipe off his make-up, put on a business suit, and become Rudy Giuliani again. He wants it, people. He wants it enough to send his best friends to prison and dress like a man.
I'm not running for preznit. Now someone go get me a Big Mac, large fries and a Diet Coke, for I haven't eaten in two hours. I know I'm going to have a heart attack, but I have socialized medical care.
Caption: I'll have three jumbo eagle burgers please. Extra fries.
And an Apple Cry.
You know being huge (or, yuge, as it is pronounced in Jersey), has not stopped other men from running for President, or even winning. I think he just fears a loss of high fat foods if he is forced to move to Washington…but I have only been to Washington once, so that is just a theory.
and Amerika waits for Amerikas dick tease to announce shes and her family are considering all offers, strike that , all angles, no, whats best for the cuntry.
… ya listenin', Lou Sarah?
The final tragedy in Christie's refusal and possible election is the annual Army doctor physical and the horror show report followed by the suggestion by the doctors that he consider losing some weight.
Well, this means that Trump is getting back in.
Can you even imagine Christie at Mass during Communion? Hey, leave some of the host for the rest of us.
"…won't abandon my commitment to New Jersey." Sarah Palin is saying, "Whaaaa?"
According to Sheer InSannity (there's a reliable source!) he told Gov. Christie that Ann Coulter is his biggest fan.
I think InSannity got that one backwards.
I'd bite that guy's ear off fry it up, eat it on a baconz sandwich, then shit it into his other ear. HE'S GOT NUTHIN ON MY SHOUTING ABILITY!!!!
baconzgood for Presidunt!
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