chris christie

Vulgar Corporate Pig Officially Not Running For GOP Nomination

Look for your corpse-of-Reaganite messiah elsewhere, teabagger turds.Well, that’s it! The Republicans’ “Jersey Jesus” of capitalism, gigantic space blob Chris Christie, announced all super-formal like that he will not run for President despite a year’s worth of weepy pleas from the club of Republican insider weiners who begged him with platters of diamond-encrusted donuts and filthy Kochsucker cash to rescue them from the nightmarishly incompetent field of wax-figure knobgoblins stacking the current GOP presidential field. This is Christie’s “definitive” response following a few weeks of tense, feverish piddling from the media over whether he would join the race, which means we should be reading another “Will Christie run even though he is fat?” headline in a couple weeks.


At a jammed Statehouse news conference, Gov. Chris Christie announced today that he would not seek the Republican nomination for president in 2012.

“What I felt was the right decision remains the right decision,” Christie said. “Today is not my time.

“I will not abandon my commitment to New Jersey. I will fix a broken New Jersey. I’m proud of the work we’ve done, but I know I’m not nearly done.”

Yeah, there are a few well-paid teachers and small kids with state health insurance still miraculously wandering around New Jersey in 2011. HIS WORK IS NOT DONE. []

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    1. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

      But if he were President deficits wouldn't matter so he could buy a fleet of the biggest, most expensive, pimped out Lockheeds with cracked open Social Security and Medicare funds.

    1. toomtabard

      I of course first read this as "At a jammed Steakhouse news conference…," which made total sense.

  1. memzilla

    A 430 pound man obviously cannot run… for anything. He might be Hoveround™ing for Preznit in 2016, though…

  2. nounverb911

    "I will fix a broken New Jersey. I’m proud of the work we’ve done, but I know I’m not nearly done."
    I feel sorry for New Jersey.

    1. Buckminster

      Dude. You ARE done. Push yourself away from the self-serve, all-you-can-eat buffet! Good goshums!

  3. Come here a minute

    "I will not waste my time hauling my very fat ass around Iowa and New Hampshire only to lose because these fucking wingnuts won't vote for anything but Jeebus+TAXCUTS, and I can only give them TAXCUTS."

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Instead of "throwing her hat into the ring," Snooki will be throwing her bump-it into a hot tub. And you better vote for her or The Situation will throw you through a plate glass window.

  4. smitallica

    "The era of big, giant, sweaty, bloated, pizza-sweating, fat-as-fuck government is over. Well, except in New Jersey."

      1. HistoriCat

        I'm sure they're actually relieved. They could never get enough margin to cover the food bills at a Christie fundraiser.

    1. James Michael Curley

      They closed down our Countrytime Buffet in my area of NJ. Don't know, never went there. It was replaced by a Texas Roadhouse which sounds even less appealing as, having road a motorcycle in Texas for months, I am always reminded of Texas Roadkill.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Oh, MUCH rather. Good god, Simon Pegg is hilarious as FUCK all, and way easier on the eyes than the SuperSized NJ guv.

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Further proof that Gov. Christie is mortally afraid of anything that involves the word "running."

  6. baconzgood

    Ok I held my toung long enough on this so.


    (tough love people it worked for my sister as a kid and now she weighs 92 lbs and pukes after every Thanksgiving dinner)

          1. baconzgood

            I'd bite that guy's ear off fry it up, eat it on a baconz sandwich, then shit it into his other ear. HE'S GOT NUTHIN ON MY SHOUTING ABILITY!!!!

  7. Trannysurprise

    The clincher in his decision came when he was told his helicopter could not land directly on the stages he would speak from. Apparently there was to be "walking" from the landing area.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Fidel Castro announced he was withdrawing from Angola. A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    That sound you hear is the sound of thousands of donut shops across the country closing down.

  9. SexySmurf

    "New Jersey, whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me."

    Mostly because the Holland Tunnel isn't wide enough.

  10. elviouslyqueer

    "I've made this commitment to my state," the governor said. "I'm just not prepared to walk away.

    Translation: I've got a sweet, sweet deal here in Joisey, and besides that, I'm physically incapable of doing anything so plebeian as "walking." That's why I've got those State Police helicopters on permanent retainer. Duh.

  11. LesBontemps

    "Much as I woud like to, I simply cannot eat all of the current field of candidates. At least not in one sitting."

  12. kissawookiee

    I was so hoping for a Christie/Palin ticket, if only for the inevitable performance art that would ensue every time she felt compelled to eye-poke Michelle Obama by stuffing ever more more more french fries into his gullet and then waxing poetic about the emissions, for freedom.

  13. Dr_Zoidberg

    Even better, is the sweet, sweet thought that this guy was the GOP's Great (Big) Dream Candidate.

  14. slithytoves

    I'd like to announce that I am not running for President either, but I am definitely starting a diet today. Thank you Governor, for your inspiration.

  15. Callyson

    "My job in New Jersey is my passion. New Jersey, whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me."
    Poor New Jersey. So far from God, so close to Chris Christie…

    1. Chichikovovich

      And remember, New Jerseyites, especially any who may be of Christie size yourselves, don't get too close: remember that gravitational attraction varies inversely with the *square* of the distance.

  16. Callyson

    He once jokingly suggested that he would have to commit suicide to convince people to stop asking him to run.
    Not necessary, Governor, but if you insist…

  17. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Am I the only one whose is disappointed that he's not running? He takes vulgar loud mouth to new level that we haven’t yet seen at the debates. I could see him at a debate holding a bucket of KFC with extra chicken skin talking with his mouth full on how stupid everyone around him is and why he won’t answer any questions about his children going to private schools will he cuts funding for public schools.

  18. jus_wonderin

    I do wonder if Chris will run to be our second Moon. And I'd pay to see a cow try to jump over him.

      1. jus_wonderin

        "It's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home, they're not much bigger than two meters."

        Glad Luke is going into the trench on this one.

  19. HelmutNewton

    Hey, at least we were denied the spectacle of a U.S. President appearing on "America's Biggest Loser".

    1. Jukesgrrl

      But the small business owners in The Diner State are having a celebratory banquet tonight. Extra helpings of moussaka for all! And don't forget the Pepsi, Pepsi.

  20. Allmighty_Manos

    I guess the media who will have to find someone else who is not running for president to cover. I heard Bob McDonnell isn't running for president either, that should fill copy for at least three months until the GOP primary clusterfuck hits full stride.

  21. BlueStateLibel

    This unfortunately is the death knell for the industry of writing-endless-stories-about-whether-Christie-will-run. Or is it?

    1. baconzgood

      I don't buy it. This is another one of Christie's phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo ops.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Next we will have a round of navel-gazing as the Fourth Estate examines why it spent so much time on covering this non-story. And another hundred real issues will fail to be examined.

  22. Steverino247

    I have to say it's refreshing to hear a discussion, not only about the elephant in the room, but with the elephant in the room doing most of the talking.

  23. SorosBot

    "I will fix a broken New Jersey"

    Then why have you been doing everything in your power to break it further?

      1. James Michael Curley

        Drumthwacket the Governor's mansion, or Dumfucket as it has been known since Christie moved in, has some rare three legged Louis Something or other chairs which, if Christie sat on them would have to be surgically removed.

  24. baconzgood

    I'm not saying he's fat but…

    every time they show his picture on the TV my floor creaks
    when he leaves the Piggly Wiggly the sign sais sold out
    they redistricted his chins

    1. PalinzADummy

      His wife uses string and chalk to mark off the hugs.
      His kids have to hug him in laps.
      When he sits down, his stomach drapes over his knees.
      The gubernatorial limousine is a flatbed truck with a camper shell.
      Omar the Tentmaker tailors all his clothes.

  25. Mumbletypeg

    Just in case y'all remember, or forgot but would like to remember, an astutely rendered observation of this corpulent Behemoth before he dunders back into lesser office:

    "Christie is driven around in the front passenger seat of a Cadillac Escalade. Last time I saw him get out of it I swear he makes the same sound that jellied cranberry sauce makes when it finally slides out of the can. His seat is mounted on a swivel track and looks like it is mounted with no leg room in the rear. (Sorry about that, mentioning rear and Christie in the same post.)"

    Thanking you still, James Michael Curely, and by way of association Rileywaggs, for his post about the maggot-riddled chair-fused bottom-dweller freak, which generated multiple Christie references.

  26. Ohforcripessake

    Thank you for not running for president. Please accept this wafer-thin mint as a token of my appreciation.

  27. owhatever

    It's a wonderful day in Utah! The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang out a loud Hall-ah-lululu-yah for Mittens Romney. It has been foretold that after having defeated the evil Christie Hutt, he will now smite all the heathen non-Mormons and use their blood to pave the way to the Garden of Eden in Missouri.

    1. Rotundo_

      With Rick Perry now running alongside the pizza man, Mittens must be feeling pretty good about now. It is amazing what guys named Rick can do in a campaign to run it into the ditch simply by being themselves. Santorum will never be associated with anything other than anal sex leftovers and Perry with the hunting camp and being tenderhearted (I know, the baggers actually consider perry soft on immigration?) to the brown folks. It is funny to see the fundies shitting their collective pants at the thought of a Mormon leader. But then again, it is also kind of scary from the other side of the intellectual spectrum as well.

  28. L188188

    OMG. They are really going to run with the pack of nincompoops they already have. America, your time has come…. or is this just a clarion call for the squeaky bitch from the North?

  29. Doktor Zoom

    So, if I were a Big Time Political Analyst, I guess my headline would be "Christie leaves the door open to a possible run"

  30. DemonicRage

    In an alternate Universe somewhere, Governor Christie is standing at the back door of the White House as the Obamas trudge out, and in his hand is a 5 Napkins hamburger with cheese and bacon on it. Fat is dripping down out of the hamburger, and he is sneering as his eyes lock with Michelle's.

    1. Rotundo_

      He emits a low, long, growling fart which gains in volume and frequency as it breaks free from the prison of Christie's perianal region where it trumpets like Satan's own Gabriel sounding a hellhorn. In a torrent of foul wind, laced with scatol, sulphur dioxide and rancid grease the newly elected president smiles, bits of burger and bacon trapped helplessly between teeth and says "Gimme da keys and get da fuck outta here!" and walks through the door, falling through the floor to his death and making it the shortest presidency to date. The End!!!!11!!!

  31. jus_wonderin

    I am not sure why this story tugs at my heart? Enormous Fat Man Gravity Well????? Please pull me back before I go over the event horizon.

  32. littlebigdaddy

    Waiting for the speculation on Mitch Daniels entering the race and whether he's too short and weird-looking to be preznit in 3,2,1…

  33. Tundra Grifter

    How did it make the declared candidates feel – even the vanity ones – that so many people were begging Mr. Christie to run?

    Down at the bottom of the barrel – below the margin of error – rest Ole Crazy Eyes, Newt, Santorum, et. al.

  34. LiveToServeYa

    Elsewhere, it says he 'listened to his gut'. In other words, the Lard spoke to him and he obeyed.

  35. fuflans

    well that's it folks. meet your official 2012 republican candidate mitt romney.

    though we can always hope…

  36. mumbly_joe

    In other news, the iPhone 5 also announced that it wasn't going to run for President, today.

    This is bad news for both Apple fans, and for Apple Pie fans. A la mode, also too.

  37. Guppy06

    "I will fix a broken New Jersey."

    So… is that his way of announcing his nuclear weapons program?

  38. SayItWithWookies

    Republicans are so disappointed — Christie was the last remaining potential candidate they could fall swoonily in love with and then three weeks later accuse of being a filthy liberal RINO. This was like the cattle-call phase of American Idol, and from here on out it gets steadily more on-message and top-40 sounding and just plain tedious. For the next fourteen months.

  39. Mahousu

    Vulgar Corporate Pig Officially Not Running For GOP Nomination

    So they have no candidates at all, now?

  40. BaldarTFlagass

    Maitre D: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

    Mr Christie: No.

    Maitre D: Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin one.

    Mr Christie: No. Fuck off – I'm full… [Belches]

    Maitre D: Oh sir… it's only *wafer* thin.

    Mr Christie: Look – I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely
    stuffed. Bugger off.

    Maitre D: Oh sir, just… just *one*…

    Mr Christie: Oh all right. Just one.

    Maitre D: Just the one, sir… voila… bon appetit…

    *takes cover*

  41. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Still several months to locate that "generic Republican" that the voters say they prefer over Obama.

  42. bflrtsplk

    "Now is not the time… I got a rib eatin' contest this afternoon followed by a Whopper tasting and then a Freedom Fries Festival…"

  43. prommie

    OT, but oh dear God, holy shit, fuck, someone, help me, help me, I never thought this day would come, Ioh, god someone, I am not kidding, I am really seriously telling the truth, this just happened, just this minute, I went out to get the mail, and, and, oh fucking fuckety fuck fuck fuck, there was a letter, . . . .

    From the AARP

    1. prommie

      Do I get to drink earlier, or more excessively, on this day of passage to a different time of life?

      1. proudgrampa

        Welcome to the Dark Side.

        "Relax, have a cigar, make yourself at home. Hell is full of high court
        judges, failed saints. We've got Cardinals, Archbishops, barristers,
        certified accountants, music critics, they're all here. You're not alone.
        You're never alone, not here you're not. OK break's over."

        The answer is both: start drinking earlier and drink more. It's a rite of passage.

      2. PalinzADummy

        Oh, fuck, yeah. I celebrated (ha) by getting untranslatably drunk and fucking my brains out. You should too.

    2. Rosie_Scenario

      You didn't open the envelope did you? I received my AARP welcome letter a few years back and it, and every subsequent missive, has been thrown promptly into the trash unopended. Partly vanity and part anger (still) at AARP lobbying Dubya for the (unpaid for) prescription drug bill.

      1. prommie

        There's a CARD in it, I didn't open it, but it says right on it, "card inside." Those fuckers, its still 6 weeks away, how do they know?

  44. GeorgiaBurning

    The teatards hate "big government" and Christie is a big governor. It wouldn't have worked.

  45. FakaktaSouth

    Welp, I know he sucks butt for teachers and labor. I know he is a bully. I know he is a fat ass that likes to use helicopters and limos for legs, buuuuut, he was the least scary to me, the least OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE???? and now its back to nothing but Willard, Longshot "Herb" and The Hair. Good Lord.

    1. prommie

      Yeah, as long as you are rich like him, he's the bee's knees. But its documented he has been meeting with the Kochs, yup, its that brazen, these GOP lick-spittles actually appear before the Koch's on command and receive their marching orders in person. Mittens might not be worse than Christie, mittens is nearly as rich as the Kochs, they can't buy him, and hell, he passed a health care plan, hell, he even lived in taxachusetts, voluntarily. Sure, he's talking like a troglodyte right now, he has to to win over the fucktard and pigfucker vote in the primaries, but he could be ok. On the other hand, he's a fucking mormon, God, noone will be hired to work for the government who isn't a mormon (it happens to every company thats taken over by a mormon).

      1. FakaktaSouth

        My fear of Mitt is if he gets elected, it's gonna have to be in a big old Republican sweep all around and the guy truly seems to be WHATEVER you want him to be. He's like the worst prostitute fantasy ever. He just doesn't seem to have any true moral compass or opinions. (I REEEEEALLY don't believe this will happen. I go to sleep at night chanting 70/30…70/30…Barack will win 70/30)
        That's a good point about the money though. No one needs to buy him, but the dude never met a thought someone else didn't give him.

  46. SenileAgitation

    With all the primary shuffling going on re: FL and SC and filing deadline for NH in less then 30 days the fat fuck didn't have time for a proper run whether he wanted to run or not. But he will remain a potent presence in conservative butter dishes for countless calories to come, as his recent call for all right-thinking Americans to join him at the Occupy a Peter Lugar's Banquette protest indicates.

  47. AnAmericanInTO

    God help me, I though that sentence started "At a jammed STEAK house news conference…" and I didn't think anything about it. Of course, he'd have a press conference at a steak house.

  48. chicken_thief

    Damn it. I was so looking forward to all the irony laden speeches as he talked about "shared sacrifice", "belt tightening", and how "one size doesn't fit all". Maybe One L can bilk the government tit for staff salaries long enough to keep the GOP Primaries interesting.

  49. MrFizzy

    Given that the country pays for the prez's wardrobe, I think him not running could be worth a few hundred thousand a year in suit material.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Just think of the MILLIONS we'll save in not having to remodel the entire fucking WH so he can sit on the fucking terlets without breaking them. Or getting stuck in the bathtub.

  50. GregComlish

    Hey guys, can we watch it with the fat jokes? A lot of people here are struggling with their own weight and I just want to be sensitive to that. I know obesity is a serious health problem and emblematic of America's inability to deal with it's own ballooning issues, but the pervasive anti-fat attitudes really do present an extra challenge to our obese population, many of whom suffer from chronically low self-esteem and doubt their ability to make positive changes in their life.

    Also maybe we could focus our attention on substantive criticism, like the myriad scandals and dysfunction that have plagued NJ ever since Christie came in to office. For instance, maybe we could make a joke about when Christie single-handedly scuttled a vital and hard-won deal for a train tunnel connecting NYC with NJ mere weeks before the construction would begin, retarding his state's economic growth for decades to come and punishing all the working people in NYC. Something like that.

    1. Rotundo_

      Nice thought, but people are gonna hate on fat folks for a long long time. It is the last safe place where one can treat someone like shit with no pangs of conscience or worries about being thought ill of. If you *are* going to be an even mildly overweight person in public life you know what you are getting into and what will happen. For the rest of us fat folks we just feel the disgust and move on, we keep trying and maybe we might wind up looking somewhat normal someday, but probably not. For those of you who haven't had the experience of being looked at with total revulsion it actually is an experience not to be missed. You learn who the good people are without having to go to a lot of work. That much being said, since I am "one of them" I'll take a shot at someone like Christie in a heartbeat since all is fair in politics these days.

    2. bebecca2298

      Exactly, his weight is as insignificant as skin color and there are so many substantive things for which Christie can be attacked.

  51. Jukesgrrl

    In a Manhattan penthouse a transvestite is racing to the bathroom to wipe off his make-up, put on a business suit, and become Rudy Giuliani again. He wants it, people. He wants it enough to send his best friends to prison and dress like a man.

  52. JackObin

    I'm not running for preznit. Now someone go get me a Big Mac, large fries and a Diet Coke, for I haven't eaten in two hours. I know I'm going to have a heart attack, but I have socialized medical care.

  53. Antispandex

    You know being huge (or, yuge, as it is pronounced in Jersey), has not stopped other men from running for President, or even winning. I think he just fears a loss of high fat foods if he is forced to move to Washington…but I have only been to Washington once, so that is just a theory.

  54. rocktonsam

    and Amerika waits for Amerikas dick tease to announce shes and her family are considering all offers, strike that , all angles, no, whats best for the cuntry.

  55. Schmannnity

    The final tragedy in Christie's refusal and possible election is the annual Army doctor physical and the horror show report followed by the suggestion by the doctors that he consider losing some weight.

  56. Negropolis

    Well, this means that Trump is getting back in.

    Can you even imagine Christie at Mass during Communion? Hey, leave some of the host for the rest of us.

  57. Tundra Grifter

    According to Sheer InSannity (there's a reliable source!) he told Gov. Christie that Ann Coulter is his biggest fan.

    I think InSannity got that one backwards.

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