the long goodbye

Michele Bachmann’s Campaign Staffers Are All Running Away

Will YOU be my new senior adviser, Mr. Llama?Well, it’s official! The only presidential campaign staffers Michele Bachmann has left rounds down to about “the collection of half-empty Diet Coke cans living under Marcus Bachmann’s bunk” on the tour bus: the AP reports her pollster Ed Goeas, her senior adviser Andy Parrish and two other staffers are bolting the funky psycho chicken coop for, eh, something less hopeless than the withering vanity campaign of a banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind.

From the AP:

The moves signal an effort to preserve money three months ahead of the first Republican nominating contests. Bachmann began July with about $3.6 million, most of which had been transferred from her congressional campaign account.

Bachmann has struggled to match her vast reach among small-dollar givers with checks near the $2,500 maximum donation. An update on her campaign’s financial health is due by Oct. 15.

In other staff changes, Doug Sachtleben, a deputy press secretary, had transferred back to the congressional office after only a couple months with the campaign. So has Bachmann’s scheduler, Kimberley Rubin.

In a statement released later Monday, Stewart said the moves were part of a longstanding strategy to “shift people and resources as needed.”

We heard just yesterday that a stack of recycled pamphlets and a Charles Manson fanboy were all that’s left of her campaign, which means that these two things will now become her new deputy press secretary and senior adviser, respectively. [AP]

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  1. Barb

    Terrific! I can't wait to see the blame game start. There's going to be more finger pointing happening than Chris Christie, in a Dunkin Donuts shop.

      1. Terry

        The fundies wouldn't vote for him in the primaries anyway once they realize that he doesn't hate gay people with a wild and blinding passion. Also, his pro-choice stand and tendency to call stupid rednecks just that won't be big selling points. Not that I LIKE Christie, it's just that the fundies will like him even less.

        1. SorosBot

          Christie's always been big on fucking over the poor and middle class for the benefit of the rich, but doesn't care about the culture war hating on women, gays and non-Christians that is so important to the base.

          1. PalinzADummy

            He's a Republican governor of a Democratic state. Those culture war issues would have sunk his candidacy for the governorship outright. That shit might play well in Peoria, man, but it counts for less than a day-old dog turd outside the Southern Nutbag-Christianist belt.

          2. LesBontemps

            He's governor only because Jon Corzine totally muffed his campaign (what campaign?) and failed to give us something to vote for in NJ. Christie's got this good-cop/bad-cop thing going on with the Dems in the legislature, who are letting him be the fall guy for a lot of unpopular budgetary decisions that they were politically unable to resolve: both sides then get to do the posturing for their respective bases. It's kind of repulsive, really.

          3. PalinzADummy

            Gods, yes. Much as I want better representation, and a better democracy, I could never do what these people do. I'd be in jail within three days for choking the living shit out of some idiot who was playing games.

      2. SorosBot

        However that's not going to stop the media from speculating on if he's going to run; he said he wouldn't quite a few times in the past and it hasn't stopped them yet.

        1. prommie

          Nah, he has called a 1 PM press conference, to announce his not running, because, you know, the whole world is watching Chris Christie. I look forward to daily press conferences to keep us abreast of all the other things he is not doing.

        2. HistoriCat

          All that speculation is good for fund-raising. Christie is good at fleecing the rubes, I'll give him that.

      3. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I heard Christie decided against getting in the campaign because he is against anything that involves the verb "running".

    1. V572 Moon!

      Christ Christlie's out too, one hears. Circumferential-Americans are deeply offended by this example of yet more thinist bigotry.

  2. DaSandman

    Well, back to farting in the bathtub and snapping like a pit bull at the bubbles eh Michele?

    Better living through chemistry.

      1. PalinzADummy

        I thought hard about clicking, because her nasal whine grates on me like wasabi rubbed in wounds. But it was worth it.

    1. Eve8Apples

      "farting in the bathtub and snapping like a pit bull at the bubbles"

      Is it time for another GOP debate already?

    1. SorosBot

      Nope; she's not running again, and her district's not going to exist in 2012 thanks to redistricting, she''s not returning to Congress.

      Fox News will probably hire her.

        1. comrad_darkness

          What a way to deal with the equally insane soccer moms who vote for this loon . . . dilute them and poison all the surrounding districts.

    2. PalinzADummy

      Ah don't think so, thunder. She already said she's not going to run because of redistricting, but even if she does, it won't be brainwashed Republifundies voting for her, there'll be some humans there, too.

    1. paris biltong

      The Republican Party's experiment with vaguely sexually attractive women seems to be drawing to a close. We'll miss them.

          1. emmelemm

            Honestly, for her age, she's not a bad-looking chick. It's just really hard to get past the crazy.

    2. PalinzADummy

      You wouldn't know that from C4P, which is currently attacking Erick, son of Neckbeard, for his disparaging (though 100% accurate) comments about Our Sally. Go over there if you wanna hold their coats while watching them bash the bejaysus out of each other.

  3. Major Thom

    ""In a statement released later Monday, Stewart said the moves were part of a longstanding strategy to “shift people and resources as needed.” ""

    Marcus Bachmann has just been reassigned to the Dept. of Unnecessary Rectal Examinations"

    1. DaSandman

      "But Dr Bachmann this is my third pelvic this week!"

      "Well son, you've got a lot of pelvis to cover. Praise Jesus!"

  4. RedneckMuslin

    Don't underestimate Shelly. Soon she'll vaporize her opponents with Chinese lasers. Those are the worst kind.

      1. baconzgood


        up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist ….

  5. DaRooster

    Michele, don't give up! Keep fighting the dipshit good fight… and don't worry about your actual job… you are not needed they'll keep covering for you.

    1. comrad_darkness

      She's never even so much as gotten a single co-sponsor on a bill let alone had one passed. I don't think her presence in DC means diddly-squat.

  6. johnnyzhivago

    It's so bad that even the llamas are now groupies on the Perry campaign bus. At least they know may "get some" if the Governor has had a rough day on the trail.

  7. SorosBot

    And the countdown to finding her newly-transferred staffers are illegally doing campaign work while being paid as Congressional aides (by the government!) begins right now.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I'm guessing that trail will be covered about as well as Christine O'Donnell's diverted house payments (ie not at all, but with enough delay at the FEC that it won't matter).

    2. Tundra Grifter

      SB: You beat me to it. Re-allocating the resources means getting them onto a payroll with actual money.

      Since Ole Crazy Eyes is on the road campaigning 24/7, what else would her scheduler work on?

      1. neiltheblaze

        They could always field the calls from pissed off constituents angry that she's not doing the job she was elected to do while pursuing her failure of a nomination run.

        That is, if they even notice since she doesn't do squat when she shows up anyway.

  8. Mojopo

    It's just as well. Now she can get back to talking some sense into Carrie about going to the prom with John Travolta.

  9. Barb

    She'll be okay just as long as she still has the support of Charles Manson and her husband, Queefy Fromme.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      What do you think Marcus' drag name could be? Helena Handbasket? Bella DuBawl? Cherry Poppins?

    1. deelzebub

      Reminds me of the time my mother-in-law was driving through the country with her twenty-something, city-girl niece. Tara looks out the window and says, "That's the ugliest horse I've ever seen!" It was a donkey; yes, she's a blonde.

    1. chicken_thief

      Sadly, I don't think that lack of money is going to shut her up or keep her off the news. She still heads the Tea Party Caucus so can grab some air time whenever the mood strikes her.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Not really. If you've been looking at the MishMash BatShitKrayKrayMann coverage in the media, she's pretty much been thumbs-downed by Pox Ooze. No matter how KrayKray she gets, she's not really newsworthy once she's out of the race, and without Pox, she's out of the race. She's only "head" of the TP caucus because she grabbed that spot first. With her smarting from this loss, the wolves will gather, and I'm not sure she can fight them off. She seems to have turned the corner on a whole new level of crazy. She might just be about to stage a grand flameout (pleez, pleez, pleez, oh, pleez).

  10. OC_Surf_Serf

    Let's see: An Adobe Acrobat update and another Republican's candidacy is imploding…yep it's Tuesday.

  11. MissusBarry

    I'm disappointed in the weeding out of the crazy. My lulz quotient is diminishing. And the fear of a less crazy but more electable candidate is rising.

      1. FrenchTwist40

        Herman Cain is nothing to be afraid of in a Republican Primary…He still has that whole "black" thing working…

        1. SorosBot

          And he did himself in for the heresy of calling something outrageously racist racist. So now we have the spectacle of wingnuts claiming that even the use of the N-word itself isn't racist, and saying that it is is "playing the race card".

    1. LesBontemps

      And the fear of a less crazy but more electable candidate is rising.

      But where are they going to find one?

      1. MissusBarry

        Yes, they're all crazy…I really should have used some qualifiers like to distinguish her brand of I'm-blatantly-blathering-nonsense-and-I-do-a-ton-of-self-medicating-and-my-kids-were-all-conceived-with-turkey-basters-with-jism-my-husband-thoughtfully-preserved–in-his-mouth-after-praying-away-somebody's-gayness.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Now she can get back to telling her 23 federally-funded foster daughters NOT to use the wire hangers.

  13. paris biltong

    "banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense"
    Brilliant. Much like those other assholes who use medicare to pay for drugs they deal on the street. No pride whatsoever.

  14. elviouslyqueer

    Well, phooey. And just when I was getting nostalgic for the glitter bombs, the jaw-dropping incessant stupidity, the faux-fur-and-rainbow-flag-sporting flash mobs, the running screaming away from a pair of lesbian nuns, the "Yes I was just shot out of a cannon. Why do you ask?" hairdo, and (of course) those crazy, crazy eyes.

    *sniff* Good times.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe Hank Williams Jr can write a nostalgia song about the Summer of '11. You've already provided most of the lyrics.

  15. Ohforcripessake

    Gosh I'm sorry to see one-L-Michele fade from the limelight. Perhaps SP will pick up the slack??

  16. baconzgood

    They are running away faster than King Aurther, Sir Lancelot, Sir Bedevere, Sir Galahad, and Sir Robin from a bunny.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Well, that's no ordinary candidate. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! That Michele's got a mean streak a mile wide! She's a killer!

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Speaking of which, a friend recently served me one of these shameless product tie-ins, which just goes to show that Michael Palin and his associates are far more successful at long-term ventures than that other person with his last name.

  17. Goonemeritus

    I would guess her only true long term strategy is to become a punch line. It is long past time for the people of Minnesota to look at their shoes and honestly reflect on their lack of common sense.

  18. Eve8Apples

    "A banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind."

    I have never read a more accurate description of the Teabag controlled Congress. Thank you Wonkette.

  19. baconzgood

    I don't know how to feel about this. She was the best one in the field to snark on….I'm glad she's gone…but I haz teh sadz…

    1. PalinzADummy

      Aww, baconz. (pat, pat, pat) It'll be O-tay.

      Now we can watch everyone pile on the Romneybot.

      1. Poindexter718

        So you're suggesting he would build her up only to knock her down and then ravish her in the form of a llama? Or maybe a bald eagle, like some Yankee Doodle Leda?

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          He's probably whispering in her ear right now (in several different voices.)
          I can't wait 'till she tells us what He said.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Hey, God's a bad motherfucker. This campaign is His way of stamping "Pwned" on Shelley's widescreen forehead.

  20. BerkeleyBear

    So the plan was always to violate the law by having staffers bounce back and forth and hopelessly muddle the already blurry line between campaign and staff work? Make sure the US Attorney who finally gets around to prosecuting her whole outfit in 4 years or so gets a copy of that qoute.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Yeah, prosecution is really likely. Sometimes after they actually prosecute Lieberman for his illegal slush fund. Right. Not holding my breath.

  21. Mahousu

    "… [We will] concentrate heavily on retail politics in Iowa," said Alice Stewart, a Bachmann spokeswoman.

    Given that your candidate specializes in wholesale insanity, this does not seem like a good fit.

  22. EatsBabyDingos

    What's the difference between a plastic surgeon's office and MN-6th District? Nothing-They both give boob jobs to boobs.

    1. PalinzADummy

      According to the meejia eejits, and the pollsters, it's gonna be Hermie. He's eclipsed Perry already. Woo.

  23. Pres.Libunatic

    Moving aside for Christopher "Chris" Christie's ponderous self, obvs.

    I mean, if Helicopter Man gets into this race, it is going to be fucking hilarious seeing his bulk on stage dueling for attention with the enormous coifs of Perry and Romney, while Cain, Paul, Frothy Mixture, etc. try and fail to get noticed.

    Somehow, though, this will be great news for Herman Cain.

    1. comrad_darkness

      I'd think it would be bad news for Herman Cain. Doesn't he have to provide all the free pizza at the debates?

  24. SayItWithWookies

    Hell, anyone who thinks this is the end of Bachmann's campaign just aren't aware that she's as persistent as a raccoon at a locked trashcan. She'll probably be wandering around the midwest in the back of a stolen minivan with Marcus driving and one poor schlub as her advance man and be selling books and t-shirts out of the trunk before she'll give up a mission The LORD told her to take up. Why, He wouldn't've tested her faith like this if He didn't believe she'd crawl around the country on bloody stumps before ending her campaign without His permission. So I'm looking forward to the next few months.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Dear me — I'm not sure I can live up to the Voltaire comparison but thanks anyway. BTW, I didn't make the Occupy Richmond meetup, but I'm going to attend if they hold something besides an organizational meeting.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          To be more precise, Candide: the bloody stumps & Pollyanna-like "with God all things possible," evoked Pangloss & his refrain; and the midwest scene deserves someone like the aforementioned film's bus driver Meat Loaf at the helm of Bachmann's crazy van.
          Depending how Occupy Richmond shapes up I may/ may not get there, just wanted to listen firsthand to those organizing it so I'll be better equipped to put into perspective for whoever's wondering out loud about it.

    1. Barrelhse

      Oh, yes, I agree with your sentiments. The explanations and obfuscation should be highly entertaining, as they try to hide the fact that when God called He had dialed the wrong number.

        1. PalinzADummy

          Knowing MishMash, she picked up the phone, and God said, "Barack? Is that you?" and she heard something completely different, which is why she is collapsing into a heap of ashes right before our eyes.

  25. Guppy06

    If politics doesn't pan out, at least she can always fall back on her government entitlement checks.

  26. ttommyunger

    Well, the good news is that soon she can devote more time with her family and not fucking her outrageously gay but closeted hubby. WIN!

    1. PalinzADummy

      Um … so, not to be difficult or anything, but where did you get the notion that she was actually fucking that glorious hunk o'man-meat, Marcus?

        1. PalinzADummy

          You must punctuate more carefully: " … and not-fucking her … ." :P

          How ya doin', ttommy?

          1. ttommyunger

            Ah yes, my fault. Kin to my wife, are you?I'm doing fine in everything except punctuation, apparently, thank you. Commas all OK?

          2. PalinzADummy

            Hey, the only reason to get married is so you'll have someone to blame for all the shit that happens, yaknow? Oh, wait, you didn't. See, your wife apparently knows this, though.

            NNTT, and the commas are just splendid.

    1. Eve8Apples

      Thank you for reminding me of of the glorious Miss Kitty. She was batshit crazy before batshit crazy was cool.

  27. widestanceshakedown

    She has served her purpose: to stretch the limits of functioning crazy, so the other GOP candidates can stop just short of her level and carry on as if nothing were wrong.

    1. PalinzADummy

      I'll drink to that. Come to think of it, I'll just fucking drink till the pain stops. These people give me a big fat one. Right in the tuchus.

  28. donner_froh

    Richard Speck, John Wayne Gacy and Ed Gein will be mass murder and serial killer advisers in Wisconsin and Illinois. They work cheap because they are dead.

  29. johnnymeatworth

    "Would you like to call the cops?
    Do you think it's time I stopped?
    Why are you running away?"
    –Roger Waters

  30. Blueb4sunrise

    Agreement with others that this is Hall of Fame awesome:

    "….something less hopeless than the withering vanity campaign of a banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind."

    Also : Vicious nonsense into the wind , song by Iowa? Minnesota? Texas? Arizona?

    1. Eve8Apples

      The problem my friend
      is nonsense in the wind.
      The problem is nonsense in the wind.

      Please forgive me Bob Dylan.

  31. Barrelhse

    So the bartender says "What are you doing with that dog?"
    Michele says:"That's not a dog, it's a llama."
    The bartender says: "I was TALKING to the LLAMA!!"

      1. fuflans

        not so much the overt racism as the overt stupid.

        he makes sheley look like a polished political performer.

  32. FrenchTwist40

    May I just say how much I adore watching the insolvency of people who've hectored everyone else about the importance of fiscal responsibility? To paraphrase the late, great Ethel Merman, there's no Freude like Schadenfreude.


    Hold your horses. August 2007: McCain's campaign imploded and fundraising was over. Then he won the nomination. I know Miche1e is not a maverick, but Marcus is not Cindy either.

  34. El Pinche

    Apparently, her crazy talk ain't crazy enough.

    Michele, perhaps its time to stop giving a shit. Nothing says "look at me!" like a good llama bestiality show (podcast or live blog). And it's cheap too.

  35. owhatever

    She is the smallest, weakest lizard in the Galapagos Islands right now. Darwin predicted what happens next.

  36. Tommy1733

    Kristen (author) I love the way you spin your verbs and nouns! I thought this newz item contains a hidden gem of even better newz:

    "Bachmann began July with about $3.6 million, most of which had been transferred from her congressional campaign account."

    Ergo, she won't be running for reelection to her Congressional seat! That is great great news for all Americans!

  37. fitley

    While Shelly waits a few days until this blows over we can expect to see Snowbilly Itchytwat
    coming out of hibernation to drop a few luke warm verbal stools for the press.

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