Well, it’s official! The only presidential campaign staffers Michele Bachmann has left rounds down to about “the collection of half-empty Diet Coke cans living under Marcus Bachmann’s bunk” on the tour bus: the AP reports her pollster Ed Goeas, her senior adviser Andy Parrish and two other staffers are bolting the funky psycho chicken coop for, eh, something less hopeless than the withering vanity campaign of a banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind.
From the AP:
The moves signal an effort to preserve money three months ahead of the first Republican nominating contests. Bachmann began July with about $3.6 million, most of which had been transferred from her congressional campaign account.
Bachmann has struggled to match her vast reach among small-dollar givers with checks near the $2,500 maximum donation. An update on her campaign’s financial health is due by Oct. 15.
In other staff changes, Doug Sachtleben, a deputy press secretary, had transferred back to the congressional office after only a couple months with the campaign. So has Bachmann’s scheduler, Kimberley Rubin.
In a statement released later Monday, Stewart said the moves were part of a longstanding strategy to “shift people and resources as needed.”
We heard just yesterday that a stack of recycled pamphlets and a Charles Manson fanboy were all that’s left of her campaign, which means that these two things will now become her new deputy press secretary and senior adviser, respectively. [AP]
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Terrific! I can't wait to see the blame game start. There's going to be more finger pointing happening than Chris Christie, in a Dunkin Donuts shop.
Middle finger, mostly.
That is brilliant! And, yes, that's a shitload of finger pointing.
Speaking of whom, its widely reported that he is not going to waddle for president. The fat fuck.
The fundies wouldn't vote for him in the primaries anyway once they realize that he doesn't hate gay people with a wild and blinding passion. Also, his pro-choice stand and tendency to call stupid rednecks just that won't be big selling points. Not that I LIKE Christie, it's just that the fundies will like him even less.
Christie's always been big on fucking over the poor and middle class for the benefit of the rich, but doesn't care about the culture war hating on women, gays and non-Christians that is so important to the base.
Ah yes, the fabled moderate Republican.
He's a Republican governor of a Democratic state. Those culture war issues would have sunk his candidacy for the governorship outright. That shit might play well in Peoria, man, but it counts for less than a day-old dog turd outside the Southern Nutbag-Christianist belt.
However that's not going to stop the media from speculating on if he's going to run; he said he wouldn't quite a few times in the past and it hasn't stopped them yet.
Nah, he has called a 1 PM press conference, to announce his not running, because, you know, the whole world is watching Chris Christie. I look forward to daily press conferences to keep us abreast of all the other things he is not doing.
Will he be done with his lunch before 1 PM?
All that speculation is good for fund-raising. Christie is good at fleecing the rubes, I'll give him that.
I heard Christie decided against getting in the campaign because he is against anything that involves the verb "running".
Christ Christlie's out too, one hears. Circumferential-Americans are deeply offended by this example of yet more thinist bigotry.
That fat fuck wears donuts on his fingers the way a child wears little black olives.
Well, back to farting in the bathtub and snapping like a pit bull at the bubbles eh Michele?
Better living through chemistry.
For teh lulz: "Bad Lip Reading" Bachmann
I thought hard about clicking, because her nasal whine grates on me like wasabi rubbed in wounds. But it was worth it.
"farting in the bathtub and snapping like a pit bull at the bubbles"
Is it time for another GOP debate already?
And so crazy She1y returned to Minnesota, to be reelected forever by her suburban district (MN-06).
~
Nope; she's not running again, and her district's not going to exist in 2012 thanks to redistricting, she''s not returning to Congress.
Fox News will probably hire her.
Fox News will probably hire her
Not the 700 Club?
Fox News will probably hire her.
Faux Noose is going to hire her.
(FIXED)
I hope you're right. The redistricting has gone to the courts but the Republicans are lawyering up with lots of money behind them.
http://www.startribune.com/opinion/otherviews/130...
What a way to deal with the equally insane soccer moms who vote for this loon . . . dilute them and poison all the surrounding districts.
Ah don't think so, thunder. She already said she's not going to run because of redistricting, but even if she does, it won't be brainwashed Republifundies voting for her, there'll be some humans there, too.
Why is Michele kissing Hank, Jr?
Llama libel!!!1!!!1!
What an insult! That llama is a lot better looking then that drugged out redneck!
This is good news for Sarah Palin. Who is now even less relevant than Shelly Bachmann. Progress!
The Republican Party's experiment with vaguely sexually attractive women seems to be drawing to a close. We'll miss them.
Wait, who are the vaguely sexually attractive Republican women? All I've seen are hags.
Try a few more doses of alcohol and some ear plugs.
As long as the sound is off, Shelly ain't that bad.
And they've just proven that if you're ugly on the inside, you're ugly on the outside. (No matter how you look.)
and bad news for those of us hoping for that much-anticipated mud wrestling tango between the two.
You wouldn't know that from C4P, which is currently attacking Erick, son of Neckbeard, for his disparaging (though 100% accurate) comments about Our Sally. Go over there if you wanna hold their coats while watching them bash the bejaysus out of each other.
Dennis Rader (the BTK killer) is available for campaign outreach.
His Excellency Field Marshal Alhaji Dr. Idi Amin Dada in charge of Corporate donors.
Good times, good times…
""In a statement released later Monday, Stewart said the moves were part of a longstanding strategy to “shift people and resources as needed.” ""
Marcus Bachmann has just been reassigned to the Dept. of Unnecessary Rectal Examinations"
"But Dr Bachmann this is my third pelvic this week!"
"Well son, you've got a lot of pelvis to cover. Praise Jesus!"
"Dr. Bachmann, is the colonoscope suppose to throb like that?"
"and are both your hands supposed to be on my shoulders?"
"I'm lookin' for Jesus, son…"
Did you jump?
"A little bit, at first"
…and in this economy, it ain't common to see someone run away from a paying gig.
Don't underestimate Shelly. Soon she'll vaporize her opponents with Chinese lasers. Those are the worst kind.
She's gotta finish burning all the eyes outa the satellites, first.
You know who else ran away from a failed Presidential candidate?
Gore-Kerry libel!
Tipper Gore?Elizabeth Edwards?
Sirhan Sirhan?
You just won the internets.
Yeah! Where do I collect my fabulous prizes?
So are the Kennedy brothers (and one son).
WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! SLAM FUCKIN' DUNK!!!!
up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist ….
Ha! Mine was "Nancy Hanks?"
Mary-Jo Kopechne?
Whoever the complete opposite of Monica Lewinsky is?
Sarah Palin?
What do I have to do to keep ahead of you today?
I deleted mine so you can get all the raspberries.
Bill Clinton?
Nicely done, my friend. Bill was differently a pioneer in this area.
A squirrel?
Calista?
Olympia Dukakis?
Michele, don't give up! Keep fighting the
dipshitgood fight… and don't worry about your actual job…you are not neededthey'll keep covering for you.She's never even so much as gotten a single co-sponsor on a bill let alone had one passed. I don't think her presence in DC means diddly-squat.
You're right. Better she's on the road spouting her insane shit, then in the House, actually voting for insane shit.
DON'T RETREAT. RELOAD!
It's so bad that even the llamas are now groupies on the Perry campaign bus. At least they know may "get some" if the Governor has had a rough day on the trail.
And the countdown to finding her newly-transferred staffers are illegally doing campaign work while being paid as Congressional aides (by the government!) begins right now.
I'm guessing that trail will be covered about as well as Christine O'Donnell's diverted house payments (ie not at all, but with enough delay at the FEC that it won't matter).
Or Rick Santorum purchasing one hamburger with campaign funds.
SB: You beat me to it. Re-allocating the resources means getting them onto a payroll with actual money.
Since Ole Crazy Eyes is on the road campaigning 24/7, what else would her scheduler work on?
They could always field the calls from pissed off constituents angry that she's not doing the job she was elected to do while pursuing her failure of a nomination run.
That is, if they even notice since she doesn't do squat when she shows up anyway.
It's just as well. Now she can get back to talking some sense into Carrie about going to the prom with John Travolta.
I did NOT want to think about Michele Bachmann's dirtypillows.
They're called breasts, mother!
She'll be okay just as long as she still has the support of Charles Manson and her husband, Queefy Fromme.
What do you think Marcus' drag name could be? Helena Handbasket? Bella DuBawl? Cherry Poppins?
Eileen Dover
Rachel Dogwhistle? Debra Wingnut?
Tangy Spitzer-Swallows
Rubin Cox?
Sister Lucy Zebottom
That picture screams-
"You sure are a funny looking horse."
Reminds me of the time my mother-in-law was driving through the country with her twenty-something, city-girl niece. Tara looks out the window and says, "That's the ugliest horse I've ever seen!" It was a donkey; yes, she's a blonde.
If llamas could talk.
Oral Roberts University and its alumni are not pleased…
Including Fundamentally Oral Bill.
We must stomp out the evil Satanic penguin lust!
Hey, there's nothing evil about penguin lust. Not really.
And we can take it from you.
Oh, Shelly, we'll miss ya. The crazy train will have one less passenger.
Passenger? She was the freakin' engineer!
Shelly, we wish we hardly knew ye.
Sadly, I don't think that lack of money is going to shut her up or keep her off the news. She still heads the Tea Party Caucus so can grab some air time whenever the mood strikes her.
Not really. If you've been looking at the MishMash BatShitKrayKrayMann coverage in the media, she's pretty much been thumbs-downed by Pox Ooze. No matter how KrayKray she gets, she's not really newsworthy once she's out of the race, and without Pox, she's out of the race. She's only "head" of the TP caucus because she grabbed that spot first. With her smarting from this loss, the wolves will gather, and I'm not sure she can fight them off. She seems to have turned the corner on a whole new level of crazy. She might just be about to stage a grand flameout (pleez, pleez, pleez, oh, pleez).
Maybe we could get her on that Midnight Train to Georgia?
She's not getting off the CRAZY train. She's just getting off the CRAZY NOMINEE train.
Let's see: An Adobe Acrobat update and another Republican's candidacy is imploding…yep it's Tuesday.
Too bad, Charles Manson would have killed to support her candidacy.
So would Perry. Well, he'd kill just for the killing.
Manson – Gacy 2012
Perhaps Marcus can sing Shelly a few showtoons to cheer her up.
I'm disappointed in the weeding out of the crazy. My lulz quotient is diminishing. And the fear of a less crazy but more electable candidate is rising.
You mean, like, Herman Cain?
Herman Cain is nothing to be afraid of in a Republican Primary…He still has that whole "black" thing working…
And he did himself in for the heresy of calling something outrageously racist racist. So now we have the spectacle of wingnuts claiming that even the use of the N-word itself isn't racist, and saying that it is is "playing the race card".
And the fear of a less crazy but more electable candidate is rising.
But where are they going to find one?
It's the equally-crazy-but-more-electable ones that scare me.
Yes, they're all crazy…I really should have used some qualifiers like to distinguish her brand of I'm-blatantly-blathering-nonsense-and-I-do-a-ton-of-self-medicating-and-my-kids-were-all-conceived-with-turkey-basters-with-jism-my-husband-thoughtfully-preserved–in-his-mouth-after-praying-away-somebody's-gayness.
Now she can get back to telling her 23 federally-funded foster daughters NOT to use the wire hangers.
REAL Republicans use crochet hooks.
At first I thought that was some kind of abortion joke, but then I think I got it.
"banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense"
Brilliant. Much like those other assholes who use medicare to pay for drugs they deal on the street. No pride whatsoever.
Well, phooey. And just when I was getting nostalgic for the glitter bombs, the jaw-dropping incessant stupidity, the faux-fur-and-rainbow-flag-sporting flash mobs, the running screaming away from a pair of lesbian nuns, the "Yes I was just shot out of a cannon. Why do you ask?" hairdo, and (of course) those crazy, crazy eyes.
*sniff* Good times.
Maybe Hank Williams Jr can write a nostalgia song about the Summer of '11. You've already provided most of the lyrics.
Gosh I'm sorry to see one-L-Michele fade from the limelight. Perhaps SP will pick up the slack??
"…will pick up the slack?? "
Are you referring to Tawd?
Is "Slack" the name of Willow's
as-yet undisclosed pregnancyprecious little angel fetus?They are running away faster than King Aurther, Sir Lancelot, Sir Bedevere, Sir Galahad, and Sir Robin from a bunny.
Bravely ran away!
Well, that's no ordinary candidate. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! That Michele's got a mean streak a mile wide! She's a killer!
But that rabbit's dynamite.
Oh go and get a drink of water, and go and change your armor…
Speaking of which, a friend recently served me one of these shameless product tie-ins, which just goes to show that Michael Palin and his associates are far more successful at long-term ventures than that other person with his last name.
I'll take 10.
I would guess her only true long term strategy is to become a punch line. It is long past time for the people of Minnesota to look at their shoes and honestly reflect on their lack of common sense.
Lack of common sense?
Remember Napoleon: In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
"A banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind."
I have never read a more accurate description of the Teabag controlled Congress. Thank you Wonkette.
This is good news for the pharmaceutical companies.
I don't know how to feel about this. She was the best one in the field to snark on….I'm glad she's gone…but I haz teh sadz…
Aww, baconz. (pat, pat, pat) It'll be O-tay.
Now we can watch everyone pile on the Romneybot.
How did god get this one so wrong?
What makes you think He's done with her?
So you're suggesting he would build her up only to knock her down and then ravish her in the form of a llama? Or maybe a bald eagle, like some Yankee Doodle Leda?
He's probably whispering in her ear right now (in several different voices.)
I can't wait 'till she tells us what He said.
Hey, God's a bad motherfucker. This campaign is His way of stamping "Pwned" on Shelley's widescreen forehead.
I suspect her father might be The Other Guy.
So the plan was always to violate the law by having staffers bounce back and forth and hopelessly muddle the already blurry line between campaign and staff work? Make sure the US Attorney who finally gets around to prosecuting her whole outfit in 4 years or so gets a copy of that qoute.
Yeah, prosecution is really likely. Sometimes after they actually prosecute Lieberman for his illegal slush fund. Right. Not holding my breath.
"… [We will] concentrate heavily on retail politics in Iowa," said Alice Stewart, a Bachmann spokeswoman.
Given that your candidate specializes in wholesale insanity, this does not seem like a good fit.
Retail politics — does that mean buying another straw poll?
With free tickets to a Hank Williams Jr concert!
/End Bachmann Turner Overdrive; your turn, Bachmannin-off
Playing the Money-hungrian rhapsody number infinity.
Wait, I'm confused. Who's the real victim here?
Sarah Palin, duh.
MEDIA HOG LIBEL!!!!!
All of us, Katie.
What's the difference between a plastic surgeon's office and MN-6th District? Nothing-They both give boob jobs to boobs.
OK, so there will be no Chris Christie cannonballs in the GOP presidential candidate pool. This means… anybody but Romney but who will that be?
Ron Jeremy?
The Hedgehog/That Llama 2012
Dinsdale!!
Spiney/Norman 2012
Victoria Jackson. You know she's just waiting for that phone call.
Newt Gingrich boomlet in 5, 4, 3 . . . .
According to the meejia eejits, and the pollsters, it's gonna be Hermie. He's eclipsed Perry already. Woo.
Some fiskal konservative and hyper intelligent leader eh MSM?
Where's your Teabagger Messiah naaaaaw?
Moving aside for Christopher "Chris" Christie's ponderous self, obvs.
I mean, if Helicopter Man gets into this race, it is going to be fucking hilarious seeing his bulk on stage dueling for attention with the enormous coifs of Perry and Romney, while Cain, Paul, Frothy Mixture, etc. try and fail to get noticed.
Somehow, though, this will be great news for Herman Cain.
My bet is that Chrispy Creme Christie will not be dunkin' his donut in the presidential tea. Any takers?
Just saw via WaPo that he will not be running.
Again?
So you're saying there's still a chance, then?
I'd think it would be bad news for Herman Cain. Doesn't he have to provide all the free pizza at the debates?
Nein, nein, nein!
Hell, anyone who thinks this is the end of Bachmann's campaign just aren't aware that she's as persistent as a raccoon at a locked trashcan. She'll probably be wandering around the midwest in the back of a stolen minivan with Marcus driving and one poor schlub as her advance man and be selling books and t-shirts out of the trunk before she'll give up a mission The LORD told her to take up. Why, He wouldn't've tested her faith like this if He didn't believe she'd crawl around the country on bloody stumps before ending her campaign without His permission. So I'm looking forward to the next few months.
Reading this was like downing an early-morning shot of Voltaire, with a Leap of Faith chaser.
Dear me — I'm not sure I can live up to the Voltaire comparison but thanks anyway. BTW, I didn't make the Occupy Richmond meetup, but I'm going to attend if they hold something besides an organizational meeting.
To be more precise, Candide: the bloody stumps & Pollyanna-like "with God all things possible," evoked Pangloss & his refrain; and the midwest scene deserves someone like the aforementioned film's bus driver Meat Loaf at the helm of Bachmann's crazy van.
Depending how Occupy Richmond shapes up I may/ may not get there, just wanted to listen firsthand to those organizing it so I'll be better equipped to put into perspective for whoever's wondering out loud about it.
Oh, yes, I agree with your sentiments. The explanations and obfuscation should be highly entertaining, as they try to hide the fact that when God called He had dialed the wrong number.
He told her to run … He didn't tell her to win.
This deserves an infinity of upfists, my devilish friend.
Knowing MishMash, she picked up the phone, and God said, "Barack? Is that you?" and she heard something completely different, which is why she is collapsing into a heap of ashes right before our eyes.
She'll be running in 30 years, another Harold Stassen, but with far fewer brains!
If politics doesn't pan out, at least she can always fall back on her government entitlement checks.
Yall are anti-feminines. If she were a fat guy from New Jersey, everything would be different.
Marcus would be much happier, for instance.
Bravo, Sir or Madam, Bravo
In the words of Bill Maher, it's not because they have boobs, it's because they ARE boobs.
Well, the good news is that soon she can devote more time with her family and not fucking her outrageously gay but closeted hubby. WIN!
Um … so, not to be difficult or anything, but where did you get the notion that she was actually fucking that glorious hunk o'man-meat, Marcus?
You must read more carefully: “…not fucking her…”
You must punctuate more carefully: " … and not-fucking her … ."
How ya doin', ttommy?
Ah yes, my fault. Kin to my wife, are you?I'm doing fine in everything except punctuation, apparently, thank you. Commas all OK?
Perhaps it's time for Katherine Harris to throw her bra into the ring.
Thank you for reminding me of of the glorious Miss Kitty. She was batshit crazy before batshit crazy was cool.
So, batshit crazy's cool now? Well, that explains The Terrible Twins, Sally and Shelley.
She has served her purpose: to stretch the limits of functioning crazy, so the other GOP candidates can stop just short of her level and carry on as if nothing were wrong.
I'll drink to that. Come to think of it, I'll just fucking drink till the pain stops. These people give me a big fat one. Right in the tuchus.
This is all Obama's fault.
Yeah, but *everything* is.
They probably got tired of Marcus always whispering sweet, sweet nothings in their ears.
Richard Speck, John Wayne Gacy and Ed Gein will be mass murder and serial killer advisers in Wisconsin and Illinois. They work cheap because they are dead.
"Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?"
–Roger Waters
Agreement with others that this is Hall of Fame awesome:
"….something less hopeless than the withering vanity campaign of a banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind."
Also : Vicious nonsense into the wind , song by Iowa? Minnesota? Texas? Arizona?
The problem my friend
is nonsense in the wind.
The problem is nonsense in the wind.
Please forgive me Bob Dylan.
HAH!!!! Excellent.
So the bartender says "What are you doing with that dog?"
Michele says:"That's not a dog, it's a llama."
The bartender says: "I was TALKING to the LLAMA!!"
Heyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooooooooooo!
well this is good. sheley out, christie not getting in…
herman cain is a lock for 2012.
This premise makes the assumption that overt racism is a weakness in Perry's campaign.
not so much the overt racism as the overt stupid.
he makes sheley look like a polished political performer.
May I just say how much I adore watching the insolvency of people who've hectored everyone else about the importance of fiscal responsibility? To paraphrase the late, great Ethel Merman, there's no Freude like Schadenfreude.
Needz moar munneez for krazee timez.
I guess she is no longer the flavor of the month.
PUNKED BY GOD!
He told her to run after all.
Hold your horses. August 2007: McCain's campaign imploded and fundraising was over. Then he won the nomination. I know Miche1e is not a maverick, but Marcus is not Cindy either.
Oh shit…LMAO!
Apparently, her crazy talk ain't crazy enough.
Michele, perhaps its time to stop giving a shit. Nothing says "look at me!" like a good llama bestiality show (podcast or live blog). And it's cheap too.
I dunno, I saw the donkey variant in Tijuana years ago, not sure it'll play in Waterloo.
She is the smallest, weakest lizard in the Galapagos Islands right now. Darwin predicted what happens next.
Kristen (author) I love the way you spin your verbs and nouns! I thought this newz item contains a hidden gem of even better newz:
"Bachmann began July with about $3.6 million, most of which had been transferred from her congressional campaign account."
Ergo, she won't be running for reelection to her Congressional seat! That is great great news for all Americans!
On the bright side, her new campaign commercial makes a helluva lot more sense than anything else she's ever said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed...!
Michele campaign stumbing? didn't I hear it was god-ordained?
Bachmann/Pushmi-Pullyu 2012!
While Shelly waits a few days until this blows over we can expect to see Snowbilly Itchytwat
coming out of hibernation to drop a few luke warm verbal stools for the press.
He has a helicopter ready to take him straight from the restaurant to the podium.
He'll start early and have dessert later.
He started lunch a little early – 10:00 AM – rather than the usual 10:30.
I heard he announced with a mic in one hand and a turkey leg in the other.
Calling in a Chinook?
Charles Paisley, The Babycrusher/Kierkegaard 2012
Sky Crane.
Nothing less than a Sikorsky for Our Gov, eh?
Just a leg? Must be on a diet.
I don't know, sounds like a commie name.
It is.
Honestly, for her age, she's not a bad-looking chick. It's just really hard to get past the crazy.
He's governor only because Jon Corzine totally muffed his campaign (what campaign?) and failed to give us something to vote for in NJ. Christie's got this good-cop/bad-cop thing going on with the Dems in the legislature, who are letting him be the fall guy for a lot of unpopular budgetary decisions that they were politically unable to resolve: both sides then get to do the posturing for their respective bases. It's kind of repulsive, really.
Yeah. The eyes are a dead give-away. I guess a brown paper bag would help.
Gods, yes. Much as I want better representation, and a better democracy, I could never do what these people do. I'd be in jail within three days for choking the living shit out of some idiot who was playing games.
Hey, the only reason to get married is so you'll have someone to blame for all the shit that happens, yaknow? Oh, wait, you didn't. See, your wife apparently knows this, though.
NNTT, and the commas are just splendid.
Sadly, this duty is apparently not limited to spouses.
You know you're loving every minute of it, sir. LOVING it.
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