THE LONG GOODBYE  10:18 am October 4, 2011

Michele Bachmann’s Campaign Staffers Are All Running Away

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Will YOU be my new senior adviser, Mr. Llama?Well, it’s official! The only presidential campaign staffers Michele Bachmann has left rounds down to about “the collection of half-empty Diet Coke cans living under Marcus Bachmann’s bunk” on the tour bus: the AP reports her pollster Ed Goeas, her senior adviser Andy Parrish and two other staffers are bolting the funky psycho chicken coop for, eh, something less hopeless than the withering vanity campaign of a banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind.

From the AP:

The moves signal an effort to preserve money three months ahead of the first Republican nominating contests. Bachmann began July with about $3.6 million, most of which had been transferred from her congressional campaign account.

Bachmann has struggled to match her vast reach among small-dollar givers with checks near the $2,500 maximum donation. An update on her campaign’s financial health is due by Oct. 15.

In other staff changes, Doug Sachtleben, a deputy press secretary, had transferred back to the congressional office after only a couple months with the campaign. So has Bachmann’s scheduler, Kimberley Rubin.

In a statement released later Monday, Stewart said the moves were part of a longstanding strategy to “shift people and resources as needed.”

We heard just yesterday that a stack of recycled pamphlets and a Charles Manson fanboy were all that’s left of her campaign, which means that these two things will now become her new deputy press secretary and senior adviser, respectively. [AP]

 
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{ 239 comments }

Barb October 4, 2011 at 10:20 am

Terrific! I can't wait to see the blame game start. There's going to be more finger pointing happening than Chris Christie, in a Dunkin Donuts shop.

paris biltong October 4, 2011 at 10:35 am

Middle finger, mostly.

mayor_quimby October 4, 2011 at 10:40 am

That is brilliant! And, yes, that's a shitload of finger pointing.

prommie October 4, 2011 at 10:52 am

Speaking of whom, its widely reported that he is not going to waddle for president. The fat fuck.

Terry October 4, 2011 at 11:04 am

The fundies wouldn't vote for him in the primaries anyway once they realize that he doesn't hate gay people with a wild and blinding passion. Also, his pro-choice stand and tendency to call stupid rednecks just that won't be big selling points. Not that I LIKE Christie, it's just that the fundies will like him even less.

SorosBot October 4, 2011 at 11:26 am

Christie's always been big on fucking over the poor and middle class for the benefit of the rich, but doesn't care about the culture war hating on women, gays and non-Christians that is so important to the base.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 4, 2011 at 11:58 am

Ah yes, the fabled moderate Republican.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:34 pm

He's a Republican governor of a Democratic state. Those culture war issues would have sunk his candidacy for the governorship outright. That shit might play well in Peoria, man, but it counts for less than a day-old dog turd outside the Southern Nutbag-Christianist belt.

SorosBot October 4, 2011 at 11:05 am

However that's not going to stop the media from speculating on if he's going to run; he said he wouldn't quite a few times in the past and it hasn't stopped them yet.

prommie October 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

Nah, he has called a 1 PM press conference, to announce his not running, because, you know, the whole world is watching Chris Christie. I look forward to daily press conferences to keep us abreast of all the other things he is not doing.

Barb October 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

Will he be done with his lunch before 1 PM?

HistoriCat October 4, 2011 at 12:13 pm

All that speculation is good for fund-raising. Christie is good at fleecing the rubes, I'll give him that.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 4, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I heard Christie decided against getting in the campaign because he is against anything that involves the verb "running".

V572 Moon! October 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

Christ Christlie's out too, one hears. Circumferential-Americans are deeply offended by this example of yet more thinist bigotry.

AJWjr. October 4, 2011 at 1:05 pm

That fat fuck wears donuts on his fingers the way a child wears little black olives.

DaSandman October 4, 2011 at 10:21 am

Well, back to farting in the bathtub and snapping like a pit bull at the bubbles eh Michele?

Better living through chemistry.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2011 at 11:36 am
PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I thought hard about clicking, because her nasal whine grates on me like wasabi rubbed in wounds. But it was worth it.

Eve8Apples October 4, 2011 at 12:34 pm

"farting in the bathtub and snapping like a pit bull at the bubbles"

Is it time for another GOP debate already?

ifthethunderdontgetya October 4, 2011 at 10:22 am

And so crazy She1y returned to Minnesota, to be reelected forever by her suburban district (MN-06).
~

SorosBot October 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

Nope; she's not running again, and her district's not going to exist in 2012 thanks to redistricting, she''s not returning to Congress.

Fox News will probably hire her.

weejee October 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

Fox News will probably hire her

Not the 700 Club?

baconzgood October 4, 2011 at 10:39 am

Fox News will probably hire her.

Faux Noose is going to hire her.

(FIXED)

Monsieur_Grumpe October 4, 2011 at 11:27 am

I hope you're right. The redistricting has gone to the courts but the Republicans are lawyering up with lots of money behind them.
http://www.startribune.com/opinion/otherviews/130

comrad_darkness October 4, 2011 at 11:41 am

What a way to deal with the equally insane soccer moms who vote for this loon . . . dilute them and poison all the surrounding districts.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Ah don't think so, thunder. She already said she's not going to run because of redistricting, but even if she does, it won't be brainwashed Republifundies voting for her, there'll be some humans there, too.

EatsBabyDingos October 4, 2011 at 10:22 am

Why is Michele kissing Hank, Jr?

Texan_Bulldog October 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

Llama libel!!!1!!!1!

outragedcitizen October 4, 2011 at 12:28 pm

What an insult! That llama is a lot better looking then that drugged out redneck!

4TheTurnstiles October 4, 2011 at 10:23 am

This is good news for Sarah Palin. Who is now even less relevant than Shelly Bachmann. Progress!

paris biltong October 4, 2011 at 10:39 am

The Republican Party's experiment with vaguely sexually attractive women seems to be drawing to a close. We'll miss them.

SorosBot October 4, 2011 at 11:06 am

Wait, who are the vaguely sexually attractive Republican women? All I've seen are hags.

HistoriCat October 4, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Try a few more doses of alcohol and some ear plugs.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

As long as the sound is off, Shelly ain't that bad.

ProudLibunatic October 4, 2011 at 1:04 pm

And they've just proven that if you're ugly on the inside, you're ugly on the outside. (No matter how you look.)

Mumbletypeg October 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

and bad news for those of us hoping for that much-anticipated mud wrestling tango between the two.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

You wouldn't know that from C4P, which is currently attacking Erick, son of Neckbeard, for his disparaging (though 100% accurate) comments about Our Sally. Go over there if you wanna hold their coats while watching them bash the bejaysus out of each other.

Come here a minute October 4, 2011 at 10:23 am

Dennis Rader (the BTK killer) is available for campaign outreach.

extreme_left October 4, 2011 at 10:32 am

His Excellency Field Marshal Alhaji Dr. Idi Amin Dada in charge of Corporate donors.

AJWjr. October 4, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Major Thom October 4, 2011 at 10:23 am

""In a statement released later Monday, Stewart said the moves were part of a longstanding strategy to “shift people and resources as needed.” ""

Marcus Bachmann has just been reassigned to the Dept. of Unnecessary Rectal Examinations"

DaSandman October 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

"But Dr Bachmann this is my third pelvic this week!"

"Well son, you've got a lot of pelvis to cover. Praise Jesus!"

FNMA October 4, 2011 at 10:35 am

"Dr. Bachmann, is the colonoscope suppose to throb like that?"

RedneckMuslin October 4, 2011 at 10:39 am

"and are both your hands supposed to be on my shoulders?"

DaSandman October 4, 2011 at 10:41 am

"I'm lookin' for Jesus, son…"

RedneckMuslin October 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

Did you jump?

"A little bit, at first"

KeepFnThatChicken October 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

…and in this economy, it ain't common to see someone run away from a paying gig.

RedneckMuslin October 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

Don't underestimate Shelly. Soon she'll vaporize her opponents with Chinese lasers. Those are the worst kind.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:57 pm

She's gotta finish burning all the eyes outa the satellites, first.

Chillwaver October 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

You know who else ran away from a failed Presidential candidate?

RedneckMuslin October 4, 2011 at 10:27 am

Gore-Kerry libel!

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 10:27 am

Tipper Gore?

Elizabeth Edwards?

jodyleek October 4, 2011 at 10:28 am

Sirhan Sirhan?

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

You just won the internets.

jodyleek October 4, 2011 at 10:34 am

Yeah! Where do I collect my fabulous prizes?

baconzgood October 4, 2011 at 10:41 am

So are the Kennedy brothers (and one son).

baconzgood October 4, 2011 at 10:42 am

WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! SLAM FUCKIN' DUNK!!!!

up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist up fist ….

Barrelhse October 4, 2011 at 11:56 am

Ha! Mine was "Nancy Hanks?"

paris biltong October 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

Mary-Jo Kopechne?

Chillwaver October 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

Whoever the complete opposite of Monica Lewinsky is?

Major Thom October 4, 2011 at 10:32 am

Sarah Palin?

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

What do I have to do to keep ahead of you today?

RedneckMuslin October 4, 2011 at 10:42 am

I deleted mine so you can get all the raspberries.

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 10:37 am

Bill Clinton?

Chillwaver October 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

Nicely done, my friend. Bill was differently a pioneer in this area.

BTWBFDIMHO October 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

A squirrel?

Tundra Grifter October 4, 2011 at 11:06 am

Calista?

GOPCrusher October 4, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Olympia Dukakis?

DaRooster October 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

Michele, don't give up! Keep fighting the dipshit good fight… and don't worry about your actual job… you are not needed they'll keep covering for you.

comrad_darkness October 4, 2011 at 11:40 am

She's never even so much as gotten a single co-sponsor on a bill let alone had one passed. I don't think her presence in DC means diddly-squat.

outragedcitizen October 4, 2011 at 12:33 pm

You're right. Better she's on the road spouting her insane shit, then in the House, actually voting for insane shit.

GOPCrusher October 4, 2011 at 12:50 pm

DON'T RETREAT. RELOAD!

johnnyzhivago October 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

It's so bad that even the llamas are now groupies on the Perry campaign bus. At least they know may "get some" if the Governor has had a rough day on the trail.

SorosBot October 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

And the countdown to finding her newly-transferred staffers are illegally doing campaign work while being paid as Congressional aides (by the government!) begins right now.

BerkeleyBear October 4, 2011 at 10:42 am

I'm guessing that trail will be covered about as well as Christine O'Donnell's diverted house payments (ie not at all, but with enough delay at the FEC that it won't matter).

Tundra Grifter October 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

Or Rick Santorum purchasing one hamburger with campaign funds.

Tundra Grifter October 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

SB: You beat me to it. Re-allocating the resources means getting them onto a payroll with actual money.

Since Ole Crazy Eyes is on the road campaigning 24/7, what else would her scheduler work on?

neiltheblaze October 4, 2011 at 12:04 pm

They could always field the calls from pissed off constituents angry that she's not doing the job she was elected to do while pursuing her failure of a nomination run.

That is, if they even notice since she doesn't do squat when she shows up anyway.

Mojopo October 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

It's just as well. Now she can get back to talking some sense into Carrie about going to the prom with John Travolta.

Doktor Zoom October 4, 2011 at 11:29 am

I did NOT want to think about Michele Bachmann's dirtypillows.

johnnymeatworth October 4, 2011 at 12:19 pm

They're called breasts, mother!

Barb October 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

She'll be okay just as long as she still has the support of Charles Manson and her husband, Queefy Fromme.

Fare la Volpe October 4, 2011 at 10:53 am

What do you think Marcus' drag name could be? Helena Handbasket? Bella DuBawl? Cherry Poppins?

Barb October 4, 2011 at 11:15 am

Eileen Dover

Doktor Zoom October 4, 2011 at 11:31 am

Rachel Dogwhistle? Debra Wingnut?

Mojopo October 4, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Tangy Spitzer-Swallows

chicken_thief October 4, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Rubin Cox?

Gleem_McShineys October 4, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Sister Lucy Zebottom

DaRooster October 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

That picture screams-
"You sure are a funny looking horse."

deelzebub October 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

Reminds me of the time my mother-in-law was driving through the country with her twenty-something, city-girl niece. Tara looks out the window and says, "That's the ugliest horse I've ever seen!" It was a donkey; yes, she's a blonde.

fartknocker October 4, 2011 at 10:27 am

Oral Roberts University and its alumni are not pleased…

weejee October 4, 2011 at 10:36 am
SorosBot October 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

We must stomp out the evil Satanic penguin lust!

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2011 at 11:16 am

Hey, there's nothing evil about penguin lust. Not really.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 3:01 pm

And we can take it from you.

Texan_Bulldog October 4, 2011 at 10:28 am

Oh, Shelly, we'll miss ya. The crazy train will have one less passenger.

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 10:35 am

Passenger? She was the freakin' engineer!

Doktor Zoom October 4, 2011 at 11:32 am

Shelly, we wish we hardly knew ye.

chicken_thief October 4, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Sadly, I don't think that lack of money is going to shut her up or keep her off the news. She still heads the Tea Party Caucus so can grab some air time whenever the mood strikes her.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Not really. If you've been looking at the MishMash BatShitKrayKrayMann coverage in the media, she's pretty much been thumbs-downed by Pox Ooze. No matter how KrayKray she gets, she's not really newsworthy once she's out of the race, and without Pox, she's out of the race. She's only "head" of the TP caucus because she grabbed that spot first. With her smarting from this loss, the wolves will gather, and I'm not sure she can fight them off. She seems to have turned the corner on a whole new level of crazy. She might just be about to stage a grand flameout (pleez, pleez, pleez, oh, pleez).

Barrelhse October 4, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Maybe we could get her on that Midnight Train to Georgia?

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 3:01 pm

She's not getting off the CRAZY train. She's just getting off the CRAZY NOMINEE train.

OC_Surf_Serf October 4, 2011 at 10:28 am

Let's see: An Adobe Acrobat update and another Republican's candidacy is imploding…yep it's Tuesday.

Radiodead October 4, 2011 at 10:29 am

Too bad, Charles Manson would have killed to support her candidacy.

RedneckMuslin October 4, 2011 at 10:47 am

So would Perry. Well, he'd kill just for the killing.

metamarcisf October 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

Manson – Gacy 2012

rambone October 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

Perhaps Marcus can sing Shelly a few showtoons to cheer her up.

MissusBarry October 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

I'm disappointed in the weeding out of the crazy. My lulz quotient is diminishing. And the fear of a less crazy but more electable candidate is rising.

4TheTurnstiles October 4, 2011 at 10:52 am

You mean, like, Herman Cain?

FrenchTwist40 October 4, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Herman Cain is nothing to be afraid of in a Republican Primary…He still has that whole "black" thing working…

SorosBot October 4, 2011 at 12:26 pm

And he did himself in for the heresy of calling something outrageously racist racist. So now we have the spectacle of wingnuts claiming that even the use of the N-word itself isn't racist, and saying that it is is "playing the race card".

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 10:54 am

And the fear of a less crazy but more electable candidate is rising.

But where are they going to find one?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2011 at 11:15 am

It's the equally-crazy-but-more-electable ones that scare me.

MissusBarry October 4, 2011 at 11:23 am

Yes, they're all crazy…I really should have used some qualifiers like to distinguish her brand of I'm-blatantly-blathering-nonsense-and-I-do-a-ton-of-self-medicating-and-my-kids-were-all-conceived-with-turkey-basters-with-jism-my-husband-thoughtfully-preserved–in-his-mouth-after-praying-away-somebody's-gayness.

BaldarTFlagass October 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

Now she can get back to telling her 23 federally-funded foster daughters NOT to use the wire hangers.

Barrelhse October 4, 2011 at 11:52 am

REAL Republicans use crochet hooks.

emmelemm October 4, 2011 at 4:21 pm

At first I thought that was some kind of abortion joke, but then I think I got it.

paris biltong October 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

"banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense"
Brilliant. Much like those other assholes who use medicare to pay for drugs they deal on the street. No pride whatsoever.

elviouslyqueer October 4, 2011 at 10:35 am

Well, phooey. And just when I was getting nostalgic for the glitter bombs, the jaw-dropping incessant stupidity, the faux-fur-and-rainbow-flag-sporting flash mobs, the running screaming away from a pair of lesbian nuns, the "Yes I was just shot out of a cannon. Why do you ask?" hairdo, and (of course) those crazy, crazy eyes.

*sniff* Good times.

BaldarTFlagass October 4, 2011 at 10:40 am

Maybe Hank Williams Jr can write a nostalgia song about the Summer of '11. You've already provided most of the lyrics.

Ohforcripessake October 4, 2011 at 10:36 am

Gosh I'm sorry to see one-L-Michele fade from the limelight. Perhaps SP will pick up the slack??

chicken_thief October 4, 2011 at 12:18 pm

"…will pick up the slack?? "

Are you referring to Tawd?

elviouslyqueer October 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Is "Slack" the name of Willow's as-yet undisclosed pregnancy precious little angel fetus?

baconzgood October 4, 2011 at 10:37 am

They are running away faster than King Aurther, Sir Lancelot, Sir Bedevere, Sir Galahad, and Sir Robin from a bunny.

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 10:56 am

Bravely ran away!

Chichikovovich October 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

Well, that's no ordinary candidate. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! That Michele's got a mean streak a mile wide! She's a killer!

prommie October 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

But that rabbit's dynamite.

jqheywood October 4, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Oh go and get a drink of water, and go and change your armor…

Doktor Zoom October 4, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Speaking of which, a friend recently served me one of these shameless product tie-ins, which just goes to show that Michael Palin and his associates are far more successful at long-term ventures than that other person with his last name.

baconzgood October 4, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I'll take 10.

Goonemeritus October 4, 2011 at 10:39 am

I would guess her only true long term strategy is to become a punch line. It is long past time for the people of Minnesota to look at their shoes and honestly reflect on their lack of common sense.

BTWBFDIMHO October 4, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Lack of common sense?
Remember Napoleon: In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.

Eve8Apples October 4, 2011 at 10:39 am

"A banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind."

I have never read a more accurate description of the Teabag controlled Congress. Thank you Wonkette.

El Pinche October 4, 2011 at 10:39 am

This is good news for the pharmaceutical companies.

baconzgood October 4, 2011 at 10:44 am

I don't know how to feel about this. She was the best one in the field to snark on….I'm glad she's gone…but I haz teh sadz…

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Aww, baconz. (pat, pat, pat) It'll be O-tay.

Now we can watch everyone pile on the Romneybot.

Poindexter718 October 4, 2011 at 10:44 am

How did god get this one so wrong?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2011 at 11:29 am

What makes you think He's done with her?

Poindexter718 October 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

So you're suggesting he would build her up only to knock her down and then ravish her in the form of a llama? Or maybe a bald eagle, like some Yankee Doodle Leda?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2011 at 12:39 pm

He's probably whispering in her ear right now (in several different voices.)
I can't wait 'till she tells us what He said.

elviouslyqueer October 4, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Hey, God's a bad motherfucker. This campaign is His way of stamping "Pwned" on Shelley's widescreen forehead.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

I suspect her father might be The Other Guy.

BerkeleyBear October 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

So the plan was always to violate the law by having staffers bounce back and forth and hopelessly muddle the already blurry line between campaign and staff work? Make sure the US Attorney who finally gets around to prosecuting her whole outfit in 4 years or so gets a copy of that qoute.

comrad_darkness October 4, 2011 at 11:37 am

Yeah, prosecution is really likely. Sometimes after they actually prosecute Lieberman for his illegal slush fund. Right. Not holding my breath.

Mahousu October 4, 2011 at 10:46 am

"… [We will] concentrate heavily on retail politics in Iowa," said Alice Stewart, a Bachmann spokeswoman.

Given that your candidate specializes in wholesale insanity, this does not seem like a good fit.

SayItWithWookies October 4, 2011 at 11:49 am

Retail politics — does that mean buying another straw poll?

BaldarTFlagass October 4, 2011 at 11:58 am

With free tickets to a Hank Williams Jr concert!

Mumbletypeg October 4, 2011 at 10:46 am

/End Bachmann Turner Overdrive; your turn, Bachmannin-off

Chichikovovich October 4, 2011 at 11:11 am

Playing the Money-hungrian rhapsody number infinity.

elviouslyqueer October 4, 2011 at 10:48 am

Wait, I'm confused. Who's the real victim here?

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 10:59 am

Sarah Palin, duh.

baconzgood October 4, 2011 at 11:04 am

MEDIA HOG LIBEL!!!!!

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2011 at 11:26 am

All of us, Katie.

EatsBabyDingos October 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

What's the difference between a plastic surgeon's office and MN-6th District? Nothing-They both give boob jobs to boobs.

4TheTurnstiles October 4, 2011 at 10:55 am

OK, so there will be no Chris Christie cannonballs in the GOP presidential candidate pool. This means… anybody but Romney but who will that be?

Weenus299 October 4, 2011 at 11:13 am

Ron Jeremy?

jodyleek October 4, 2011 at 11:18 am

The Hedgehog/That Llama 2012

BaldarTFlagass October 4, 2011 at 11:21 am

Dinsdale!!

Chichikovovich October 4, 2011 at 11:41 am

Spiney/Norman 2012

elviouslyqueer October 4, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Victoria Jackson. You know she's just waiting for that phone call.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 4, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Newt Gingrich boomlet in 5, 4, 3 . . . .

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:56 pm

According to the meejia eejits, and the pollsters, it's gonna be Hermie. He's eclipsed Perry already. Woo.

ManchuCandidate October 4, 2011 at 10:56 am

Some fiskal konservative and hyper intelligent leader eh MSM?

Where's your Teabagger Messiah naaaaaw?

Pres.Libunatic October 4, 2011 at 11:00 am

Moving aside for Christopher "Chris" Christie's ponderous self, obvs.

I mean, if Helicopter Man gets into this race, it is going to be fucking hilarious seeing his bulk on stage dueling for attention with the enormous coifs of Perry and Romney, while Cain, Paul, Frothy Mixture, etc. try and fail to get noticed.

Somehow, though, this will be great news for Herman Cain.

weejee October 4, 2011 at 11:21 am

My bet is that Chrispy Creme Christie will not be dunkin' his donut in the presidential tea. Any takers?

Limeylizzie October 4, 2011 at 11:25 am

Just saw via WaPo that he will not be running.

RedneckMuslin October 4, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Again?

AJWjr. October 4, 2011 at 1:38 pm

So you're saying there's still a chance, then?

comrad_darkness October 4, 2011 at 11:36 am

I'd think it would be bad news for Herman Cain. Doesn't he have to provide all the free pizza at the debates?

HistoriCat October 4, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Nein, nein, nein!

SayItWithWookies October 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

Hell, anyone who thinks this is the end of Bachmann's campaign just aren't aware that she's as persistent as a raccoon at a locked trashcan. She'll probably be wandering around the midwest in the back of a stolen minivan with Marcus driving and one poor schlub as her advance man and be selling books and t-shirts out of the trunk before she'll give up a mission The LORD told her to take up. Why, He wouldn't've tested her faith like this if He didn't believe she'd crawl around the country on bloody stumps before ending her campaign without His permission. So I'm looking forward to the next few months.

Mumbletypeg October 4, 2011 at 11:33 am

Reading this was like downing an early-morning shot of Voltaire, with a Leap of Faith chaser.

SayItWithWookies October 4, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Dear me — I'm not sure I can live up to the Voltaire comparison but thanks anyway. BTW, I didn't make the Occupy Richmond meetup, but I'm going to attend if they hold something besides an organizational meeting.

Mumbletypeg October 4, 2011 at 1:39 pm

To be more precise, Candide: the bloody stumps & Pollyanna-like "with God all things possible," evoked Pangloss & his refrain; and the midwest scene deserves someone like the aforementioned film's bus driver Meat Loaf at the helm of Bachmann's crazy van.
Depending how Occupy Richmond shapes up I may/ may not get there, just wanted to listen firsthand to those organizing it so I'll be better equipped to put into perspective for whoever's wondering out loud about it.

Barrelhse October 4, 2011 at 11:48 am

Oh, yes, I agree with your sentiments. The explanations and obfuscation should be highly entertaining, as they try to hide the fact that when God called He had dialed the wrong number.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2011 at 12:42 pm

He told her to run … He didn't tell her to win.

elviouslyqueer October 4, 2011 at 2:21 pm

This deserves an infinity of upfists, my devilish friend.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Knowing MishMash, she picked up the phone, and God said, "Barack? Is that you?" and she heard something completely different, which is why she is collapsing into a heap of ashes right before our eyes.

zhubajie October 5, 2011 at 5:04 am

She'll be running in 30 years, another Harold Stassen, but with far fewer brains!

Guppy06 October 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

If politics doesn't pan out, at least she can always fall back on her government entitlement checks.

Weenus299 October 4, 2011 at 11:09 am

Yall are anti-feminines. If she were a fat guy from New Jersey, everything would be different.

Mahousu October 4, 2011 at 11:16 am

Marcus would be much happier, for instance.

HELisforHEL October 4, 2011 at 11:44 am

Bravo, Sir or Madam, Bravo

Biel_ze_Bubba October 4, 2011 at 12:17 pm

In the words of Bill Maher, it's not because they have boobs, it's because they ARE boobs.

ttommyunger October 4, 2011 at 11:11 am

Well, the good news is that soon she can devote more time with her family and not fucking her outrageously gay but closeted hubby. WIN!

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Um … so, not to be difficult or anything, but where did you get the notion that she was actually fucking that glorious hunk o'man-meat, Marcus?

ttommyunger October 4, 2011 at 5:18 pm

You must read more carefully: “…not fucking her…”

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 5:37 pm

You must punctuate more carefully: " … and not-fucking her … ." :P

How ya doin', ttommy?

ttommyunger October 4, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Ah yes, my fault. Kin to my wife, are you?I'm doing fine in everything except punctuation, apparently, thank you. Commas all OK?

BaldarTFlagass October 4, 2011 at 11:26 am

Perhaps it's time for Katherine Harris to throw her bra into the ring.

Eve8Apples October 4, 2011 at 11:59 am

Thank you for reminding me of of the glorious Miss Kitty. She was batshit crazy before batshit crazy was cool.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm

So, batshit crazy's cool now? Well, that explains The Terrible Twins, Sally and Shelley.

widestanceshakedown October 4, 2011 at 11:34 am

She has served her purpose: to stretch the limits of functioning crazy, so the other GOP candidates can stop just short of her level and carry on as if nothing were wrong.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I'll drink to that. Come to think of it, I'll just fucking drink till the pain stops. These people give me a big fat one. Right in the tuchus.

comrad_darkness October 4, 2011 at 11:34 am

This is all Obama's fault.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Yeah, but *everything* is.

Redhead October 4, 2011 at 11:35 am

They probably got tired of Marcus always whispering sweet, sweet nothings in their ears.

donner_froh October 4, 2011 at 11:37 am

Richard Speck, John Wayne Gacy and Ed Gein will be mass murder and serial killer advisers in Wisconsin and Illinois. They work cheap because they are dead.

johnnymeatworth October 4, 2011 at 11:40 am

"Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?"
–Roger Waters

Blueb4sunrise October 4, 2011 at 11:42 am

Agreement with others that this is Hall of Fame awesome:

"….something less hopeless than the withering vanity campaign of a banal narcissistic idiot who treats her six-figure government salary like unlimited paid vacation time to bark vicious nonsense into the wind."

Also : Vicious nonsense into the wind , song by Iowa? Minnesota? Texas? Arizona?

Eve8Apples October 4, 2011 at 12:03 pm

The problem my friend
is nonsense in the wind.
The problem is nonsense in the wind.

Please forgive me Bob Dylan.

Blueb4sunrise October 4, 2011 at 12:24 pm

HAH!!!! Excellent.

Barrelhse October 4, 2011 at 12:02 pm

So the bartender says "What are you doing with that dog?"
Michele says:"That's not a dog, it's a llama."
The bartender says: "I was TALKING to the LLAMA!!"

trondant October 4, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Heyyyyyyyyyoooooooooooooooooooo!

fuflans October 4, 2011 at 12:06 pm

well this is good. sheley out, christie not getting in…

herman cain is a lock for 2012.

AJWjr. October 4, 2011 at 1:49 pm

This premise makes the assumption that overt racism is a weakness in Perry's campaign.

fuflans October 4, 2011 at 1:56 pm

not so much the overt racism as the overt stupid.

he makes sheley look like a polished political performer.

FrenchTwist40 October 4, 2011 at 12:07 pm

May I just say how much I adore watching the insolvency of people who've hectored everyone else about the importance of fiscal responsibility? To paraphrase the late, great Ethel Merman, there's no Freude like Schadenfreude.

Wonderthing October 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Needz moar munneez for krazee timez.

Slim_Pickins October 4, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I guess she is no longer the flavor of the month.

edconley7 October 4, 2011 at 12:34 pm

PUNKED BY GOD!

He told her to run after all.

BTWBFDIMHO October 4, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Hold your horses. August 2007: McCain's campaign imploded and fundraising was over. Then he won the nomination. I know Miche1e is not a maverick, but Marcus is not Cindy either.

El Pinche October 4, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Oh shit…LMAO!

El Pinche October 4, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Apparently, her crazy talk ain't crazy enough.

Michele, perhaps its time to stop giving a shit. Nothing says "look at me!" like a good llama bestiality show (podcast or live blog). And it's cheap too.

AJWjr. October 4, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I dunno, I saw the donkey variant in Tijuana years ago, not sure it'll play in Waterloo.

owhatever October 4, 2011 at 1:57 pm

She is the smallest, weakest lizard in the Galapagos Islands right now. Darwin predicted what happens next.

Tommy1733 October 4, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Kristen (author) I love the way you spin your verbs and nouns! I thought this newz item contains a hidden gem of even better newz:

"Bachmann began July with about $3.6 million, most of which had been transferred from her congressional campaign account."

Ergo, she won't be running for reelection to her Congressional seat! That is great great news for all Americans!

HelmutNewton October 4, 2011 at 2:12 pm

On the bright side, her new campaign commercial makes a helluva lot more sense than anything else she's ever said:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed…!

ndisang67 October 4, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Michele campaign stumbing? didn't I hear it was god-ordained?

schvitzatura October 4, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Bachmann/Pushmi-Pullyu 2012!

fitley October 5, 2011 at 12:38 am

While Shelly waits a few days until this blows over we can expect to see Snowbilly Itchytwat
coming out of hibernation to drop a few luke warm verbal stools for the press.

SorosBot October 4, 2011 at 11:27 am

He has a helicopter ready to take him straight from the restaurant to the podium.

chicken_thief October 4, 2011 at 12:06 pm

He'll start early and have dessert later.

neiltheblaze October 4, 2011 at 12:21 pm

He started lunch a little early – 10:00 AM – rather than the usual 10:30.

GOPCrusher October 4, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I heard he announced with a mic in one hand and a turkey leg in the other.

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 11:40 am

Calling in a Chinook?

YasserArraFeck October 4, 2011 at 11:46 am

Charles Paisley, The Babycrusher/Kierkegaard 2012

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 4, 2011 at 11:59 am
PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Nothing less than a Sikorsky for Our Gov, eh?

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Just a leg? Must be on a diet.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 4, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I don't know, sounds like a commie name.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 2:53 pm

It is. :)

emmelemm October 4, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Honestly, for her age, she's not a bad-looking chick. It's just really hard to get past the crazy.

LesBontemps October 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm

He's governor only because Jon Corzine totally muffed his campaign (what campaign?) and failed to give us something to vote for in NJ. Christie's got this good-cop/bad-cop thing going on with the Dems in the legislature, who are letting him be the fall guy for a lot of unpopular budgetary decisions that they were politically unable to resolve: both sides then get to do the posturing for their respective bases. It's kind of repulsive, really.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Yeah. The eyes are a dead give-away. I guess a brown paper bag would help.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Gods, yes. Much as I want better representation, and a better democracy, I could never do what these people do. I'd be in jail within three days for choking the living shit out of some idiot who was playing games.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Hey, the only reason to get married is so you'll have someone to blame for all the shit that happens, yaknow? Oh, wait, you didn't. See, your wife apparently knows this, though.

NNTT, and the commas are just splendid.

ttommyunger October 5, 2011 at 12:09 am

Sadly, this duty is apparently not limited to spouses.

PalinzADummy October 5, 2011 at 2:11 am

You know you're loving every minute of it, sir. LOVING it.

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