FLOTUS FILES  2:40 pm October 3, 2011

Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you... Our FLOTUS is very fortunate, because there is no Wall Street Insanity, in her world. Michelle Obama lives a much calmer existence, in a place where simple questions (“Where do fat people come from?”) have simple answers (“Arby’s”). So she is sometimes able to spend her time doing enjoyable things, like celebrating her wedding anniversary with Barack Obama, or going to the local Mom-and-Pop Target store to buy toothpaste and iPod accessories for Malia. But does she do these things for real, or for lies? LIES, IT’S ALL LIES is the answer, according to America’s shouting radio and teevee heroes. Why else would Michelle Obama walk around a Target store, besides the obvious reason of deception?

Our FLOTUS decided to leave the White House gates last week to go to Target. No one really knows what possessed her to do this, since at this point we would have to imagine she is tired of being accused of murdering everyone’s children and stealing all the tax money so she can build shrines to Allah across the globe. But at least we have expert Michelle Obama reporters stalkers like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to explain to us why she would do such a thing.

Photos taken by an Associated Press photographer of first lady Michelle Obama strolling away from the checkout counter at a Target store in Alexandria circled the globe Friday. The images were unusual and striking, depicting the elegant first lady, in an unglamorous disguise, shopping at a discount store familiar to millions of Americans.

But almost as soon as the pictures hit televisions, newspapers and Web sites, the Obamas’ critics were raising suspicions, suggesting the trip was a calculated attempt to deflect criticism of the first lady’s more expensive tastes in vacations and wardrobe.

Rush Limbaugh called it “What a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op.”

That “sentence” probably means something, to the listeners of Rush Limbaugh who suffer from a combination of out-of-control cholesterol, illiteracy and Tourette syndrome of the soul. But we do not understand these words, so English, please!

Neither the White House nor the Associated Press will say how AP photographer Charles Dharapak came to be the only news photographer present at the Alexandria Target to capture Obama’s shopping excursion.

“All I can say is that it was the result of good source work on his part,” AP spokesman Paul Colford said, declining to elaborate on the sources or the work involved.

A spokeswoman for Michelle Obama, Kristina Schake, also declined to discuss how the photographs came about. In a statement, she said, “It is not uncommon for the First Lady to slip out to run an errand, eat at a local restaurant or otherwise enjoy the city outside the White House gates.”

Yes, conspiracies everywhere, Michelle Obama now rules the AP. FLOTUS fans know better -she just really loves Target, is all! [WaPo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 126 comments }

ManchuCandidate October 3, 2011 at 2:43 pm

“What a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op.”

Oh Rush. Why does everything go back to being about you? Can't you leave your ten fake marriages out of it for once?

baconzgood October 3, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Sounds like words to a Pink Floyd song to me. Or somthing off Sgt. Peppers when they gave Ringo a bunch of acid and let him sing instead of park thier cars or get them coffee or what ever else they made him do so he could stay in the band.

mormos October 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Ringo held the band together long enough for us to get the White Album, Abbey Road, and Let It Be. So lay off!

baconzgood October 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I have a feeling Ringo was the one that they'd all give pink bellies to to pass the time when they were bored on tour.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Ringo only has Paul left to beat in the Mortality Sweepstakes. Given that he's been married to Barbara Bach for 30 years and has a place in Monte Carlo, I give Ringo the Win. Fuck a Knighthood.

PalinzADummy October 3, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Drum.

MLHencken October 3, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Rusty is a wounded child, screaming for his pacifier.

MittsHairHelmet October 3, 2011 at 2:43 pm

"Phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller" is the name of Rush Limbaugh's favorite dildo.

memzilla October 3, 2011 at 2:46 pm

This statement gives Sen Lindsay "Ham Biscuits" Graham a sadz, for teh displacement.

Graham Cracker October 3, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Lindsay's still happy to be #2

PalinzADummy October 3, 2011 at 6:20 pm

He sure is a steaming heap of #2.

iburl October 3, 2011 at 5:53 pm

You beat me to it.

I was going to say "phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller? What you insert in your repugnant orifices is of little interest to us, Rush."

SorosBot October 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm

"What a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op."

But Rush isn't a racist, I'm sure the implication was unintentional.

finallyhappy October 3, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Banana is an asian slur- like Oreo. This is a fact(but I cannot tell you how I know)

PalinzADummy October 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm

YOU TOLD!!! TRAITOR! (Or is it traitrix? Or traitress? Who remembers these things any more?)

SorosBot October 3, 2011 at 7:31 pm

I've heard Twinkie for that one, not banana; you learn something new every day.

But I forgot, we're supposed to be living in a post-racial world, and not one where white hockey fans throw bananas at black players.

ProgressiveInga October 3, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Haters gonna hate.

SexySmurf October 3, 2011 at 2:46 pm

The Phony-Baloney Plastic Banana Good-Time Rock-and-Roll Hour is my favorite Japanese TV show.

jus_wonderin October 3, 2011 at 3:19 pm

But it jumped the shark when they brought in Cousin Aiko. Why do they do that? Do they really think it will reinvigorate an aged show?

Bots Meat Commission October 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm

It's even better than REGGAE HAIRSTYLE ROCK AND ROLL.

PalinzADummy October 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

So, you didn't like Vermilion Pleasure Nights, is what you're saying?

Mumbletypeg October 3, 2011 at 2:47 pm

suggesting the trip was a calculated attempt to deflect criticism of the first lady’s more expensive tastes

Because there's no evidence like.. no evidence.

Your move, Wayne LaPierre.

SorosBot October 3, 2011 at 2:50 pm

And even though the only "criticism of the first lady's more expensive tastes" has been complete bullshit from the very same wingnut talking heads that no one who matters should pay any attention to.

NorthStarSpanx October 3, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Am I the only one here to actually think Target is a bit pricey for crap?

Mumbletypeg October 4, 2011 at 10:38 am

I think Blair's "mom n' pop Target store' crack indicates the contradiction-in-terms nicely.
i.e. no you're not the only one; God invented Target to help peeps do their hyped and hyper-overrated junk shopping in an elevated, celebrated environment and feel like the stuff they're loading onto mounting credit card bills is justified.
And don't get me started on the dumbed down Alessi teakettle knockoffs/ Michael-Graves-sellout trend of stoopidity.

Goonemeritus October 3, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Impeach the Obama’s start a boycott of Target and demand a sincere apology from all communists everywhere.

proudgrampa October 3, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake.

LEAVE MICHELLE ALONE!!!!1!!

PalinzADummy October 3, 2011 at 6:23 pm

You tell 'em. I'll kick their asses when they don't listen.

Jesus transmogrifyin' Christ, these people are so fucking pathetic. Where is their venom against our wonderful FLOTUS coming from?

SexySmurf October 3, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I would accuse Limpballs of being back on the Hillbilly Heroin, but that would imply he had stopped.

axmxz October 3, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Phony-Baloney Plastic Banana Good-Time Rock-and-Roll haven't been half as good since they got on mainstream radio.

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Michelle actually prefers shopping at Dollar General. "I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Walmart or Sizzler," she reportedly said.

Lucidamente1 October 3, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I'll take Famous People for $200, Alex.

"Phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller."

What do Thai child prostitutes call Rush Limbaugh?

That is correct!

GregComlish October 3, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Translation:

If Michelle Obama goes to the Target in Columbia Heights then she's pandering to the minority vote. If Michelle Obama goes to the Target in Alexandria then she's pretending that she's white. If Michelle Obama stays home it's because she's a fancy pants who thinks she's too good for everyone else.

axmxz October 3, 2011 at 2:52 pm

In short, if Michelle Obama anything, then she's still black, so fail.

LesBontemps October 3, 2011 at 3:10 pm

In short, if Michelle Obama anything, then she's her husband's still black, Kenyan and mooslin, so fail.

/Fixed

PalinzADummy October 3, 2011 at 6:26 pm

If that was all it was, I might be a little less venomous about the whole thing. No, these MOTHERFUCKIN' fathersuckin' child-diddlin' sons-of-sows hate our gorgeous, brilliant, warm, wonderful First Lady with the heat of a thousand suns. I have no idea why. Presidential spouses and families have generally been exempt from this kind of bullshit. The fucking RWNJs have gone right around the bend and lost every last shred of decency and humanity. Miserable pricks.

HELisforHEL October 4, 2011 at 10:14 am

So true. She's fabulous, has class, is intelligent and suffers the slings & arrows with aplomb. Hmmm, yeah, what are we thinking? Of course they hate a woman with those qualities–especially one who's BLACK.

finallyhappy October 3, 2011 at 6:01 pm

If she comes to the Target in Wheaton, she must not want to find whatever was in the weekly ad- but the parking is good.

weejee October 3, 2011 at 2:51 pm

"What a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op.

Since I'm obviously not a wordsmith, could those who are lend a hand? Is the above Rushie bloviation an example that Limpblow's mouth provides the verbal equivalent of a random number generator?

elviouslyqueer October 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Oh, let me translate: "What a niggering niggered niggerly thing to do, even for the biggest nigger in the history of uppity-niggerdom."

jus_wonderin October 3, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I laughed at that. I hope that is okay?

elviouslyqueer October 3, 2011 at 3:23 pm

I was going for subtlety. Could you tell?

Negropolis October 4, 2011 at 1:05 am

I laughed; I cried (because I was laughing so hard); and then I pee'd myself, a little (because I was still laughing so hard)..

Monsieur_Grumpe October 3, 2011 at 2:51 pm

She would have shopped at Wal-Mart but she doesn't weigh enough.

littlebigdaddy October 3, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Yeah, I'm surprised some winger didn't point out how Target is elitist.

BarryOPotter October 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm

She would have shopped at Wal-Mart but she doesn't weigh enough.

"You must be this heavy => [Please step on the lardometer] to roam these aisles…"

Monsieur_Grumpe October 3, 2011 at 3:26 pm

You don't roam at Wal-Mart, you either roll, scooter or get pushed.

Mahousu October 3, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Yes, definitely, Michelle Obama should let the whole press (and Rush Limbaugh) know everywhere she's going beforehand. I can't see any possible problems with that.

Gratuitous World October 3, 2011 at 2:54 pm

she should've dressed up in fighter pilot costume. rush would've been fully supportive.

Generation[redacted] October 3, 2011 at 3:02 pm

The sign above Target: "SAVINGS ACCOMPLISHED"

jus_wonderin October 3, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Well, that sign would have made more sense than the other one.

Graham Cracker October 3, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Do they have a Target on the USS Carl Vinson?

Callyson October 3, 2011 at 2:54 pm

phony-baloney plastic banana
Is that going to be Ricky's excuse if Hustler finds evidence? The 10's version of "wide stance"?
good-time rock-and-roller
He was hoping for some blues perhaps?
optic photo op
As opposed to a psychedelic photo op, I take it?
JFC, this Limpballs rant is even less coherent than usual…

JoshuaNorton October 3, 2011 at 2:54 pm

She'd probably even go to Walmart if they all didn't smell like ass.

baconzgood October 3, 2011 at 2:54 pm

First lady a confidante in chief who misses strolls in Target

Who the fuck misses going to Target? The one by my house is grody and smells like Naugahyde. HOW THE FREAK DOES IT SMELL LIKE NAUGAHYDE? THERE IS NOTHING MADE OF NAUGAHYDE IN THE PLACE?!?!

finallyhappy October 3, 2011 at 6:02 pm

The Naugas are extinct but perhaps there is a Nauga scented glade fragrance oil

Radiodead October 3, 2011 at 2:55 pm

You know who else liked Targets?

SorosBot October 3, 2011 at 2:56 pm

William Tell?

SexySmurf October 3, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I think you mean, "You know who else liked Surveyor Marks?"

MozakiBlocks October 3, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Sarah Palin? Oh did you mean the stores? Ok, same answer…

Poindexter718 October 3, 2011 at 3:01 pm

William S. Burroughs?

elviouslyqueer October 3, 2011 at 3:04 pm

DAMN YOU.

proudgrampa October 3, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Now THAT was cold…

But well played, sir.

Generation[redacted] October 3, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Dick Cheney, though he should have spent more time with them.

elviouslyqueer October 3, 2011 at 3:03 pm

William Burroughs, except for that one unfortunate incident with his wife in Mexico City?

BarackMyWorld October 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Megatron (before stupid Michael Bay turned him into a jet)?

BaldarTFlagass October 3, 2011 at 3:25 pm

What does Calvin Johnson have to do with Michael Bay?

baconzgood October 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Homer Simpson?

not that Dewey October 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Middle management?

Beowoof October 3, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Wayne LaPierre

Lascauxcaveman October 3, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Oh man, I loved the 'Targets. Definitely the waviest of the great Seattle new-wave bands back in the early '80's.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 12:17 am

Duh, HITLER.

GhostBuggy October 3, 2011 at 2:55 pm

That AP photographer also has a brown-sounding name. Obviously, he was in on our Nazi Muslim FLOTUS' conspiracy to obtain household items IN THE PUBLIC, WHERE THE WHITES SHOP.

yrbmegr October 3, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Obviously Michelle was out buying clothes for the reanimated corpse of Vladimir Lenin.

Negropolis October 4, 2011 at 1:08 am

Well, then the least she could do is go to the more age-appropriate Sears.

CommieLibunatic October 3, 2011 at 2:57 pm

This is the same crowd that blasts Barry for being either too elitist, but then turn around and blast him for using a goddamned paper clip. Just no pleasing some people, I guess.

axmxz October 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Helpful flowchart:

Did Michele Obama do anything at all lately?

…..|……………|
…Yes ……….No
…..| …………..|——-> Is she still black? ——— Duh ————> OUTRAGE!!!
…..|
…./

Was it controversial in any way?
….|……………|
…Yes ……….No
….|…………….|
….|…………….|——-> Is she still black? ——— Duh ————> OUTRAGE!!!
….|
…/

*And* she’s still black?!

….|
….|
…/

Duh.

….|
….|
…/

OUTRAGE!!!

baconzgood October 3, 2011 at 3:14 pm

You sir have just past your right wing political science doctorate thesis.

freakishlywrong October 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm

In other news; Rush dropped dead of massive heart failure while choking on a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller. I like mine better.

HistoriCat October 3, 2011 at 3:20 pm

You are such a tease.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 3, 2011 at 3:30 pm

…while in a wet suit.
fixed!

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 12:18 am

Me too, but you forgot the two wetsuits and the condom-covered dildo.

Guppy06 October 3, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Shouldn't they be happy that Michelle is frequenting a supporter of Minnesota Forward?

'Chelle hates the gays just like you!

DerrickWildcat October 3, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Target is for girls that are too hot to go to Walmart.

4TheTurnstiles October 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Here's Michelle (in costume, undercover) givin Fox News the business at Occupy Wall Street:
http://www.dangerousminds.net/comments/the_fox_ne

jus_wonderin October 3, 2011 at 3:32 pm

EXCELLENT!!!

baconzgood October 3, 2011 at 3:08 pm

"I've seen the best minds of my generation pose for phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo ops."

-Allen Ginsberg's Howl (1st draft)-

mereoblivion October 3, 2011 at 3:14 pm

So in the non-Photoshopped photo the FLOTUS is hysterically and nakedly dragging herself through the negro streets of alexandria at dawn? (Let's forget about the starving part.)

powersuit October 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Dean and I took the Ford and we moved it out of town as fast as we could, rolling over the asphalt toward Green River like Bedouins across the Sahara but faster man, faster than all of that, fast like kestrels across the farm fields, fast like phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo ops . . .

excerpt, On the Road, Jack Kerouac (1st draft)

imissopus October 3, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Carl Solomon! I'm with you in Rockland,
where you pose for phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo ops

Actually makes more sense in that context.

baconzgood October 3, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Yeah but most people only know the first part. Besides maybe troll will google it and actually like beat poets….NAAAAAH.

imissopus October 3, 2011 at 3:43 pm

No no, I meant it made more sense than in Rush's context. You could plug it into just about any part of Howl or some of Ginsberg's other poems and it would make more sense than in Rush's context.

Here, I'll thumb up your p to make up for it.

baconzgood October 3, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Comming from a pro snarker like you I'm gratefull for your phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op compliment.

Lascauxcaveman October 3, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Call me Phoney Baloney Plastic Banana.
Call me Good Time Rock and Roller.
Call me Ishmael.

- Herman Melville, Moby Dick

(excerpts, first, second and third drafts.)

ingloriousbytch October 3, 2011 at 3:10 pm

I think we're missing the good news in all of this: Rush Limbaugh is clearly back on drugs.

Lascauxcaveman October 3, 2011 at 3:10 pm

TARGET LIBEL!!!!!!

(I'm… I'm not doing this right, am I?)

HistoriCat October 3, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Bless your heart.

DerrickWildcat October 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Target has stuff for guys too. Like Beer, Sausage and the kind of video games where you run around and shoot people in the face.

widestanceshakedown October 3, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I bet Rush even knows what she stole while there (cuz you know she did).

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 12:33 am

Well, of course. She wouldn't'a worn that disguise otherwise.

It's just how the culludz do.

widestanceshakedown October 4, 2011 at 11:41 am

And, PAD, let's not even get started about N-head. That would have and should have been an instant disqualifier, but we both know Perry will sail forth unfazed in today's GOP.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 11:59 am

Argh. Just AAAAARRRGGGHH.

DerrickWildcat October 3, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I have one more important observation about Target:

They just opened a new Super Target in the fancy schmancy part of town and have staffed it exclusively with snotty hair twirling girls that look down on everybody. It's like they're all in training to work at Macy's someday.

SoBeach October 3, 2011 at 3:21 pm

If Limbaugh ever had to look one of his targets in the eye and repeat the shit he says I honestly believe he would piss himself.

Come here a minute October 3, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Holy cow, Rush seems to have gotten hooked up with a new maid to provide him with relief from the pain of everyday life.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard October 3, 2011 at 3:22 pm

I don't get it. Is this supposed to be like some alleged alibi while her evil twin sabotaged all the Hoverounds at the factory? Is there going to be a run on Target now from this act of reverse psychology counter-capitalism?

SayItWithWookies October 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Hey, Rush is completely impartial — remember when he criticized the previous president for going to Iraq that Thanksgiving and then strolling around the mess hall with a giant plastic turkey pretending he was gonna feed everyone? Or was I just having some sort of extended metaphor?

Generation[redacted] October 3, 2011 at 6:16 pm

That was a plastic turkey, this is a plastic banana. Big difference.

not that Dewey October 3, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Shopping at Target is clearly worse than vehicular homicide. Right, Laura?

kissawookiee October 3, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Plastic Banana Good-time is Rick Perry's other hunting camp.

Generation[redacted] October 3, 2011 at 6:15 pm

The one that allows asians?

kissawookiee October 3, 2011 at 6:32 pm

The asians are required since the real Yellow Roses found the name on the rock a bit off-putting.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 12:35 am

Only at Teh Wonketz do people even know who the real Yellow Rose of Texas was.

Antispandex October 3, 2011 at 3:45 pm

In other Teapublican news; Rush is nearly certain that it was Michelle, or one of her operatives, that planted the Oxy and Viarga on him. Cantor is expected to introduce a bill today to keep the FLOTUS away from the luggage of all right-wing sex tourists.

Arken October 3, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Michelle Obama only likes to wear expensive fashionable clothes, totally unlike Nancy Reagan and Laura Bush who dressed in rags and sack cloth.

Although if they brought up Barbara Bush they would have a point…

proudgrampa October 3, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Some of my best friends are phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-rollers.

lochnessmonster October 3, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Rush and Beck must never have heard of papparazzi…

smitallica October 3, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Yes, but Bush clearing brush every weekend for eight years (when he wasn't golfing or royally fucking something up) was completely legitimate and not in any way done for the cameras.

johnnyzhivago October 3, 2011 at 10:49 pm

This is exactly like the NRA thing – Obama is definitely planning to eliminate the dollar and replace it with the Amero and build a Mexico-Canada monrail. By sending Michelle to the store, she provides EXACTLY the cover that a president who DIDN't plan to do these things would do….

Negropolis October 4, 2011 at 12:57 am

Michelle has stated any number of times that she lurves her some Target. Michelle needs to stick a ripe, nutritious, red apple in that piggys mouth to shut him the fuck up, already.

Aren't both of these fucker's deaf, yet?

Negropolis October 4, 2011 at 1:12 am

I'm always so jealous of Target. Michigan gave the world K-Mart, which has become a national embarrassment. Shopping at Kmart is like shopping at a funeral. The workers in the aisles look like zombies, and the cashiers couldn't care less about you. Half the stores square footage is used for storage, their dingy…it's so fucking sad.

ttommyunger October 4, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Poor Rush. He knows our FLOTUS would simply giggle if she ever got a peek at his turtle-headed little gherkin. In fact, white women laugh at Rush, for all kinds of reasons; especially the five or six who live high on the hog on his alimony payments. They aren't the first or the last to suffer a tiny dick now for big checks later.

ndisang67 October 4, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Michele shopping at Target…..Lenin would turn in his grave…

ndisang67 October 4, 2011 at 4:54 pm

if Michele is a " phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-rollers"…then that's what i want my wife to be…

gurukalehuru October 4, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Today, we are all phoney baloney plastic banana good time rock and rollers.

PalinzADummy October 4, 2011 at 11:55 am

That's the only thing I can think of. The only reason to hate her is racial prejudice. Because she didn't spend $1.25 MILLION on Lenox china for the WH, unlike Nancy Reagan. Or raise two drunken hellions, unlike Laura Bush. She's never even fought back, like Hillary Clinton did. It makes me furious.

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