flotus files

Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie

That's MRS. Flotus to you... Our FLOTUS is very fortunate, because there is no Wall Street Insanity, in her world. Michelle Obama lives a much calmer existence, in a place where simple questions (“Where do fat people come from?”) have simple answers (“Arby’s”). So she is sometimes able to spend her time doing enjoyable things, like celebrating her wedding anniversary with Barack Obama, or going to the local Mom-and-Pop Target store to buy toothpaste and iPod accessories for Malia. But does she do these things for real, or for lies? LIES, IT’S ALL LIES is the answer, according to America’s shouting radio and teevee heroes. Why else would Michelle Obama walk around a Target store, besides the obvious reason of deception?

Our FLOTUS decided to leave the White House gates last week to go to Target. No one really knows what possessed her to do this, since at this point we would have to imagine she is tired of being accused of murdering everyone’s children and stealing all the tax money so she can build shrines to Allah across the globe. But at least we have expert Michelle Obama reporters stalkers like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to explain to us why she would do such a thing.

Photos taken by an Associated Press photographer of first lady Michelle Obama strolling away from the checkout counter at a Target store in Alexandria circled the globe Friday. The images were unusual and striking, depicting the elegant first lady, in an unglamorous disguise, shopping at a discount store familiar to millions of Americans.

But almost as soon as the pictures hit televisions, newspapers and Web sites, the Obamas’ critics were raising suspicions, suggesting the trip was a calculated attempt to deflect criticism of the first lady’s more expensive tastes in vacations and wardrobe.

Rush Limbaugh called it “What a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op.”

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That “sentence” probably means something, to the listeners of Rush Limbaugh who suffer from a combination of out-of-control cholesterol, illiteracy and Tourette syndrome of the soul. But we do not understand these words, so English, please!

Neither the White House nor the Associated Press will say how AP photographer Charles Dharapak came to be the only news photographer present at the Alexandria Target to capture Obama’s shopping excursion.

“All I can say is that it was the result of good source work on his part,” AP spokesman Paul Colford said, declining to elaborate on the sources or the work involved.

A spokeswoman for Michelle Obama, Kristina Schake, also declined to discuss how the photographs came about. In a statement, she said, “It is not uncommon for the First Lady to slip out to run an errand, eat at a local restaurant or otherwise enjoy the city outside the White House gates.”

Yes, conspiracies everywhere, Michelle Obama now rules the AP. FLOTUS fans know better -she just really loves Target, is all! [WaPo]

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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126 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    “What a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op.”

    Oh Rush. Why does everything go back to being about you? Can't you leave your ten fake marriages out of it for once?

    1. baconzgood

      Sounds like words to a Pink Floyd song to me. Or somthing off Sgt. Peppers when they gave Ringo a bunch of acid and let him sing instead of park thier cars or get them coffee or what ever else they made him do so he could stay in the band.

      1. mormos

        Ringo held the band together long enough for us to get the White Album, Abbey Road, and Let It Be. So lay off!

        1. baconzgood

          I have a feeling Ringo was the one that they'd all give pink bellies to to pass the time when they were bored on tour.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Ringo only has Paul left to beat in the Mortality Sweepstakes. Given that he's been married to Barbara Bach for 30 years and has a place in Monte Carlo, I give Ringo the Win. Fuck a Knighthood.

  2. MittsHairHelmet

    "Phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller" is the name of Rush Limbaugh's favorite dildo.

    1. iburl

      You beat me to it.

      I was going to say "phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller? What you insert in your repugnant orifices is of little interest to us, Rush."

  3. SorosBot

    "What a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op."

    But Rush isn't a racist, I'm sure the implication was unintentional.

      1. PalinzADummy

        YOU TOLD!!! TRAITOR! (Or is it traitrix? Or traitress? Who remembers these things any more?)

  4. SexySmurf

    The Phony-Baloney Plastic Banana Good-Time Rock-and-Roll Hour is my favorite Japanese TV show.

    1. jus_wonderin

      But it jumped the shark when they brought in Cousin Aiko. Why do they do that? Do they really think it will reinvigorate an aged show?

  5. Mumbletypeg

    suggesting the trip was a calculated attempt to deflect criticism of the first lady’s more expensive tastes

    Because there's no evidence like.. no evidence.

    Your move, Wayne LaPierre.

    1. SorosBot

      And even though the only "criticism of the first lady's more expensive tastes" has been complete bullshit from the very same wingnut talking heads that no one who matters should pay any attention to.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          I think Blair's "mom n' pop Target store' crack indicates the contradiction-in-terms nicely.
          i.e. no you're not the only one; God invented Target to help peeps do their hyped and hyper-overrated junk shopping in an elevated, celebrated environment and feel like the stuff they're loading onto mounting credit card bills is justified.
          And don't get me started on the dumbed down Alessi teakettle knockoffs/ Michael-Graves-sellout trend of stoopidity.

  6. Goonemeritus

    Impeach the Obama’s start a boycott of Target and demand a sincere apology from all communists everywhere.

    1. PalinzADummy

      You tell 'em. I'll kick their asses when they don't listen.

      Jesus transmogrifyin' Christ, these people are so fucking pathetic. Where is their venom against our wonderful FLOTUS coming from?

  7. SexySmurf

    I would accuse Limpballs of being back on the Hillbilly Heroin, but that would imply he had stopped.

  8. axmxz

    Phony-Baloney Plastic Banana Good-Time Rock-and-Roll haven't been half as good since they got on mainstream radio.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    Michelle actually prefers shopping at Dollar General. "I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Walmart or Sizzler," she reportedly said.

  10. Lucidamente1

    I'll take Famous People for $200, Alex.

    "Phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller."

    What do Thai child prostitutes call Rush Limbaugh?

    That is correct!

  11. GregComlish

    Translation:

    If Michelle Obama goes to the Target in Columbia Heights then she's pandering to the minority vote. If Michelle Obama goes to the Target in Alexandria then she's pretending that she's white. If Michelle Obama stays home it's because she's a fancy pants who thinks she's too good for everyone else.

      1. LesBontemps

        In short, if Michelle Obama anything, then she's her husband's still black, Kenyan and mooslin, so fail.

        /Fixed

        1. PalinzADummy

          If that was all it was, I might be a little less venomous about the whole thing. No, these MOTHERFUCKIN' fathersuckin' child-diddlin' sons-of-sows hate our gorgeous, brilliant, warm, wonderful First Lady with the heat of a thousand suns. I have no idea why. Presidential spouses and families have generally been exempt from this kind of bullshit. The fucking RWNJs have gone right around the bend and lost every last shred of decency and humanity. Miserable pricks.

          1. HELisforHEL

            So true. She's fabulous, has class, is intelligent and suffers the slings & arrows with aplomb. Hmmm, yeah, what are we thinking? Of course they hate a woman with those qualities–especially one who's BLACK.

          2. PalinzADummy

            That's the only thing I can think of. The only reason to hate her is racial prejudice. Because she didn't spend $1.25 MILLION on Lenox china for the WH, unlike Nancy Reagan. Or raise two drunken hellions, unlike Laura Bush. She's never even fought back, like Hillary Clinton did. It makes me furious.

    1. finallyhappy

      If she comes to the Target in Wheaton, she must not want to find whatever was in the weekly ad- but the parking is good.

  12. weejee

    "What a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op.

    Since I'm obviously not a wordsmith, could those who are lend a hand? Is the above Rushie bloviation an example that Limpblow's mouth provides the verbal equivalent of a random number generator?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh, let me translate: "What a niggering niggered niggerly thing to do, even for the biggest nigger in the history of uppity-niggerdom."

        1. Negropolis

          I laughed; I cried (because I was laughing so hard); and then I pee'd myself, a little (because I was still laughing so hard)..

    1. BarryOPotter

      She would have shopped at Wal-Mart but she doesn't weigh enough.

      "You must be this heavy => [Please step on the lardometer] to roam these aisles…"

  13. Mahousu

    Yes, definitely, Michelle Obama should let the whole press (and Rush Limbaugh) know everywhere she's going beforehand. I can't see any possible problems with that.

  14. Callyson

    phony-baloney plastic banana
    Is that going to be Ricky's excuse if Hustler finds evidence? The 10's version of "wide stance"?
    good-time rock-and-roller
    He was hoping for some blues perhaps?
    optic photo op
    As opposed to a psychedelic photo op, I take it?
    JFC, this Limpballs rant is even less coherent than usual…

  15. baconzgood

    First lady a confidante in chief who misses strolls in Target

    Who the fuck misses going to Target? The one by my house is grody and smells like Naugahyde. HOW THE FREAK DOES IT SMELL LIKE NAUGAHYDE? THERE IS NOTHING MADE OF NAUGAHYDE IN THE PLACE?!?!

    1. elviouslyqueer

      William Burroughs, except for that one unfortunate incident with his wife in Mexico City?

  16. GhostBuggy

    That AP photographer also has a brown-sounding name. Obviously, he was in on our Nazi Muslim FLOTUS' conspiracy to obtain household items IN THE PUBLIC, WHERE THE WHITES SHOP.

  17. CommieLibunatic

    This is the same crowd that blasts Barry for being either too elitist, but then turn around and blast him for using a goddamned paper clip. Just no pleasing some people, I guess.

  18. axmxz

    Helpful flowchart:

    Did Michele Obama do anything at all lately?

    …..|……………|
    …Yes ……….No
    …..| …………..|——-> Is she still black? ——— Duh ————> OUTRAGE!!!
    …..|
    …./

    Was it controversial in any way?
    ….|……………|
    …Yes ……….No
    ….|…………….|
    ….|…………….|——-> Is she still black? ——— Duh ————> OUTRAGE!!!
    ….|
    …/

    *And* she’s still black?!

    ….|
    ….|
    …/

    Duh.

    ….|
    ….|
    …/

    OUTRAGE!!!

  19. freakishlywrong

    In other news; Rush dropped dead of massive heart failure while choking on a phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller. I like mine better.

  20. Guppy06

    Shouldn't they be happy that Michelle is frequenting a supporter of Minnesota Forward?

    'Chelle hates the gays just like you!

  21. baconzgood

    "I've seen the best minds of my generation pose for phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo ops."

    -Allen Ginsberg's Howl (1st draft)-

    1. mereoblivion

      So in the non-Photoshopped photo the FLOTUS is hysterically and nakedly dragging herself through the negro streets of alexandria at dawn? (Let's forget about the starving part.)

    2. powersuit

      Dean and I took the Ford and we moved it out of town as fast as we could, rolling over the asphalt toward Green River like Bedouins across the Sahara but faster man, faster than all of that, fast like kestrels across the farm fields, fast like phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo ops . . .

      excerpt, On the Road, Jack Kerouac (1st draft)

    3. imissopus

      Carl Solomon! I'm with you in Rockland,
      where you pose for phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo ops

      Actually makes more sense in that context.

      1. baconzgood

        Yeah but most people only know the first part. Besides maybe troll will google it and actually like beat poets….NAAAAAH.

        1. imissopus

          No no, I meant it made more sense than in Rush's context. You could plug it into just about any part of Howl or some of Ginsberg's other poems and it would make more sense than in Rush's context.

          Here, I'll thumb up your p to make up for it.

          1. baconzgood

            Comming from a pro snarker like you I'm gratefull for your phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-roller optic photo op compliment.

    4. Lascauxcaveman

      Call me Phoney Baloney Plastic Banana.
      Call me Good Time Rock and Roller.
      Call me Ishmael.

      - Herman Melville, Moby Dick

      (excerpts, first, second and third drafts.)

  22. ingloriousbytch

    I think we're missing the good news in all of this: Rush Limbaugh is clearly back on drugs.

      1. widestanceshakedown

        And, PAD, let's not even get started about N-head. That would have and should have been an instant disqualifier, but we both know Perry will sail forth unfazed in today's GOP.

  23. DerrickWildcat

    I have one more important observation about Target:

    They just opened a new Super Target in the fancy schmancy part of town and have staffed it exclusively with snotty hair twirling girls that look down on everybody. It's like they're all in training to work at Macy's someday.

  24. SoBeach

    If Limbaugh ever had to look one of his targets in the eye and repeat the shit he says I honestly believe he would piss himself.

  25. Come here a minute

    Holy cow, Rush seems to have gotten hooked up with a new maid to provide him with relief from the pain of everyday life.

  26. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    I don't get it. Is this supposed to be like some alleged alibi while her evil twin sabotaged all the Hoverounds at the factory? Is there going to be a run on Target now from this act of reverse psychology counter-capitalism?

  27. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, Rush is completely impartial — remember when he criticized the previous president for going to Iraq that Thanksgiving and then strolling around the mess hall with a giant plastic turkey pretending he was gonna feed everyone? Or was I just having some sort of extended metaphor?

      1. kissawookiee

        The asians are required since the real Yellow Roses found the name on the rock a bit off-putting.

  28. Antispandex

    In other Teapublican news; Rush is nearly certain that it was Michelle, or one of her operatives, that planted the Oxy and Viarga on him. Cantor is expected to introduce a bill today to keep the FLOTUS away from the luggage of all right-wing sex tourists.

  29. Arken

    Michelle Obama only likes to wear expensive fashionable clothes, totally unlike Nancy Reagan and Laura Bush who dressed in rags and sack cloth.

    Although if they brought up Barbara Bush they would have a point…

  30. smitallica

    Yes, but Bush clearing brush every weekend for eight years (when he wasn't golfing or royally fucking something up) was completely legitimate and not in any way done for the cameras.

  31. johnnyzhivago

    This is exactly like the NRA thing – Obama is definitely planning to eliminate the dollar and replace it with the Amero and build a Mexico-Canada monrail. By sending Michelle to the store, she provides EXACTLY the cover that a president who DIDN't plan to do these things would do….

  32. Negropolis

    Michelle has stated any number of times that she lurves her some Target. Michelle needs to stick a ripe, nutritious, red apple in that piggys mouth to shut him the fuck up, already.

    Aren't both of these fucker's deaf, yet?

  33. Negropolis

    I'm always so jealous of Target. Michigan gave the world K-Mart, which has become a national embarrassment. Shopping at Kmart is like shopping at a funeral. The workers in the aisles look like zombies, and the cashiers couldn't care less about you. Half the stores square footage is used for storage, their dingy…it's so fucking sad.

  34. ttommyunger

    Poor Rush. He knows our FLOTUS would simply giggle if she ever got a peek at his turtle-headed little gherkin. In fact, white women laugh at Rush, for all kinds of reasons; especially the five or six who live high on the hog on his alimony payments. They aren't the first or the last to suffer a tiny dick now for big checks later.

  35. ndisang67

    if Michele is a " phony-baloney plastic banana good-time rock-and-rollers"…then that's what i want my wife to be…

Comments are closed.