It’s time for the greatest scientific barometer of America’s intellect, the Vanity Fair/CBS News poll of dingbat potpourri questions thrown at a representative sample of Americans who haven’t had their phone lines turned off by Verizon yet. What did our pollsters ask this time? To be weird, instead of asking a series of completely random questions, they focused on “Things Republicans Don’t Know.” For example, you’d think Republicans might know what “GOP” stands for, as they’ve all got those “GOProud” stickers on their repo’d Ford Expeditions. But they have no idea, and most probably pronounce it as a monosyllabic grunt, to ask for another microwaved styrofoam plate of CostCo “rib-meat bitelets.” This may be the best survey of America yet!

Republicans also can’t keep track of who we’re supposed to HATE, because it’s so confusing since Reagan and Bin Laden tricked the Soviets into going to Afghanistan, to die as an empire, just like we did these last 10 years. So, to be safe, most Republicans still want to nuke the Soviets and also see Saudi Arabia as an actual Enemy of America that we are having wars against, even though the Holy Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is George W. Bush and Dick Cheney’s favorite ally in the War Against Muslims. The way Republicans see the world, you’d think Saudi Arabian terrorists successfully attacked New York and the Pentagon and totally terrorized the whole country into submission! (Oh wait ….)

From the Vanity Fair press release:




Just more than half of Republicans (51 percent) and 45 percent of Americans overall correctly identify the meaning of “G.O.P.” as Grand Old Party. The second most popular choice, with 35 percent of the overall vote, was “Government of the People.” “Grumpy Old People” received 7 percent of the vote, “God’s Own Party” 3 percent, and 1 percent thought the abbreviation stood for “Gauntlet of Power.”

Okay, unfair, survey people! You are not allowed to just make shit up because of course a fraction of people will say “Yep that sounds right” no matter what you say. Unfair. Uncool. [Vanity Fair/CBS Poll Thing]

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  • HelmutNewton

    I thought everyone knew that: Gay Old Party.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Gay Orgy Party.

      Common mistake.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I thought it was "Gay Old Perverts."

  • tihond

    Gets Off on Penises (Secretly)

  • Barb

    Greed Over People

  • freakishlywrong

    "Gorgonish Old Phuckers". Of course.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Get Off my Property!!!!!

  • MARCdMan

    You mean it isn't Gross Old Pedophiles?

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Glom Onto Peepee.

  • Barb

    Gas, Oil, and Plutonium

    • tihond

      You beat me to it.

  • tihond

    Guns, Oil, and Pale skin

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Grotesque Olde Pharts.

  • SorosBot

    It's Greedy Old People, duh.

  • Good Ol' Plutocracy.

    (I was going with "Gross Old Perverts", but MARCdMan got there first.)

  • calibrit

    This is why lazy journalists should shy away from using jargon. People are almost always less well-informed than you would think.

    Case in point: in the 1990s, the government of the United Kingdom approved new, hard-hitting warning labels on cigarettes, saying, instead of "Smoking Can Harm Your Health", "Smoking Is Fatal". After a couple of years wondering why the labels weren't working, they worked out that many teens didn't know what "fatal" meant, and approved new labels saying "Smoking Kills", which is what cigarette packets there say today.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "Fatal, dude. That sounds awesome!"

      • calibrit

        Yeah, it's like "mental". Maybe they thought it meant "Smoking gets you high". Who knows?

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Dude, Fatal is such the best band in the WORLD.

    • PalinzADummy

      Great gawd in heaven. If ENGLISH kids don't know what "fatal" means, what hope is there for American kids?

      • calibrit

        Who says that English people are any more or less dumb than our people? Stupidity is a human thing, not an American thing.

        • PalinzADummy

          Dear heart, I wasn't for one second implying that the English are clever, or even not-stupid. Having read English history, I'm well aware that there's plenty of evidence to the contrary.

          What I was alluding to is the fact that "fatal" is a word in the ENGLISH language. You'd think those yoicks would be able to speak THEIR OWN FUCKING LANGUAGE with some degree of competence. I am not English. Yet, I venture to say that my fluency with this language is far superior to that displayed by this bunch of brainless clods.

          • calibrit

            Eh, it's no less our language than it is theirs!

            And I'd agree that you do seem fluent!

          • PalinzADummy

            Was it G.B. Shaw who referred to Britain and America as "two nations divided by a common language"? I grew up with the British system of spelling, and I'm constantly having to watch myself for wanting to spell things as I was taught. It irks me that supposedly native speakers are so lacking in respect for their own mother tongue.

          • calibrit

            I grew up in Britain and moved here when I was 22. I don't think that Americans spelling things differently constitutes a lack of respect. I've just had to learn a dialect that differs from the one I learned (or learnt :-)) when I was young. It's been interesting to figure it out. Like, did you know that you can't have a bath in a bath, but only in a bathtub? That one took me 12 years to figure out!

          • PalinzADummy

            Ah! That's why the nym.

            I wasn't referring to Americans, though, but to the English. It's pretty disrespectful of one's own culture to be so ignorant of the mother tongue. I speak many languages badly, and am always being cuffed about the ears for (1) misspelling (2) mispronouncing, and (3) misspeaking. It's all mostly in good fun, although I did fetch the older stepson a clout upon the situpon for spelling earring as "i-ring." You can't have three or more parental units with advanced degrees and spell so poorly without consequence.

        • Geminisunmars

          When did Monty Python start up again?

          • calibrit

            Did they ever stop? :-)

    • Guppy06

      I put forward that, by the 1990's (at least), people that didn't know smoking kills is scraping the bottom of the barrel as far as informed/uninformed goes.

      • calibrit

        Sure, people in their 40s or 50s who didn't know that by the 1990s would have been scraping the bottom of the barrel. But these kids weren't the bottom of the barrel. They were the kids (or possibly the grandkids) of people who are, and sadly every generation needs educating anew. :-(

    • bebecca2298

      and now they're going to use pictures to imply smoking can kill you. No joke.

  • and…

    Gay Outed Pastors

  • Indiepalin

    Grumpy Old Palin

    • DashboardBuddha

      Gross Oily Palin

    • capnhuggyface

      this is gotcha pollstering!

  • Goonemeritus

    I always assumed it was derived from the noise they made before licking a light switch.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Grossly Obese Phucktards?

  • Well, they ain't so "grand" anymore — what with the Tea Party takeover. So I guess "OP" is a more accurate acronym. And I think the Tea Party cancels out the "party" the way kryptonite cancels out Superman's power. So I guess it's just "O" — Old? Or is that a zero?

  • proudgrampa

    Unfortunately, this is the same 55% who believe that the universe is run by an old man in the sky, the same 55% who still believe that there were Weapons of Mass Destruction, and the same 55% who think that Elvis lives.

    Unfortunately, they get to vote. We are freakin' doomed.

    • RedneckMuslin

      I was with ya til you told that lie 'bout Elvis.

    • elviouslyqueer


      • PalinzADummy

        BIRFDAY week libel. Bachmann said so.

  • DaRooster

    "Don't Know"?!?

    There ain't even a G or P in that… what a bunch of losers…

  • tihond

    Giants of Propaganda

    • PalinzADummy

      Goddamned Obstreperous Pricks.

  • bureaucrap

    To be fair, probably a lot of them who knew the right answer voted for the joke answers anyway. Thats certainly something I would have done had I run into that poll.


    Grandpa Obtusely Pontificates.

    • proudgrampa


      Pontificating grandpa libel!1!

      • bureaucrap

        sorry proud. I thought you might respond negatively. But I upfisted you just to let you know I still love you. Nothing personal.

        • proudgrampa

          That's OK, Bureau. I knew it wasn't personal. I actually do tend to pontificate. It's something all grampas do. I just hope I'm never obtuse. When that happens, it will be time for me to go the way of Andy Rooney.



    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Republican'ts don't vote for the joke answer. (A), they have no sense of humor, and (B), even if they do, they don't know which ones are the joke answers.

  • Arken

    Gut Obama's Presidency

  • tihond

    Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry like to think it stands for "Guzzlers of Poon."

    • Arken

      Are you sure Rick doesn't think it means "Gobbler of Penis?"

      • tihond

        Governor Goodhair will gobble anything put in front of him.

        • PalinzADummy

          No, no, that's the OTHER Governor. Governor Meatsack, or Chris Chrispy, as his loving subjects call him.

  • Goatse's Own Party

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Goatse's Obscene Piehole (not to be confused with the one depicted in his famous photo)

  • SorosBot

    Of course, the poll, especially considering that it's online, doesn't discriminate between people who legitimately don't know what GOP stands for, and those who are just fucking with them; I just voted for "Grumpy Old People", since it's the closest to accurately describing Republicans.

  • Polythene_Pam

    Grandpa's Old Pants

    • proudgrampa

      I'll have you know that my pants are not THAT old…



  • hagajim

    I always thought Gay Odorous Pustules

  • Come here a minute

    Gloriously Orwellian Pigs

    • Steverino247

      The animals that are more equal than others?

  • 'Giggity' Ode to Perps.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Buncha dumbfucks" is what "GOP" means to me.

    • chicken_thief

      Makes sense to me. I was struggling to see how they got "GOP" out of "Disciples of the Ghost of the Mythical Reagan" but figured it was some Latin phrase or something. Like anyone still knows Latin…

      • Chichikovovich

        Gravo Odium Procax

  • Gullible Ossified Prostates

  • kissawookiee

    Got Ours, Piss off.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Greedy Overlord Party
    (owned and operated by Gilded Ossified Plutocrats)

  • spinozasgod

    Grifters, Oligarchs and Plutocrats???

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder why this post got promoted from sidebar to headliner. I think everyone's already pretty much shot their wad.

    • metamarcisf

      Just think of it as the American Dream, like Palin in "The Undefeated" (coming on DVD tomorrow!)

      • Gleem_McShineys

        coming on DVD tomorrow!

        a. "The Undefeated"
        b. Entry on Rich Lowry's to-do list

    • Beowoof

      Something most protrate free old republicans can no longer do. Hence the Grumpy part.

    • Geminisunmars

      shot their wad = GOP

  • MildMidwesterner

    For the true old guard Republicans, I believe GOP means "Golfing or Polo?"

  • Republicans don't know the meaning several words they use: Constitution, Jobs, Freedom, Class War…

  • spinozasgod

    I have just depressingly read 2 articles declaring that the "conservatives" have won:

    • Beowoof

      That's why they play the games. See Bills beating Patriots week three.

    • Geminisunmars

      And I just watched Van Jones at "Take Back the American Dream" and I'm excited. (Go to if interested)

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Gobs Of Poop.

    (yes, I'm an 8 y.o.)

    • elviouslyqueer


      Gang of Poopyheads.

      (h/t Wonkette's own user-of-owls)

  • Troglodeity

    "Gauntlet of Power" is pretty cool, actually. I'll bet Lindsey Graham likes that one.

    • HistoriCat

      It's the only way Miss Lindsey will allow fisting.

    • fartknocker

      In Lindsey's house its Gravy on Pork with a ham biscuit.

  • DaRooster

    Grossly Over Paid

    • PalinzADummy

      I *really* like this one, Rooster.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Gentlemen of Power is how they would like to think of themselves.

  • mumbly_joe

    No, "Government of the People" is what the GOP stands against.

    For instance.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Grotesque Oligarch Pandering

  • dyedwool

    Gobblers Of Propaganda (and Dicks…and Santorum…in Secret — plus Loads of Trans-Fatty Foods, Mostly Out in Public)

  • Generation[redacted]

    DM, I'd like to use my Gauntlet of Power against the Goblin-Orc Party.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Ignorant Republicans are ignorant.

  • powersuit

    Dear Ms. Johnson:

    It's Costco, not CostCo. And if you haven't been, an especially fun thing to do there between grazing the samples for your lunch and buying very large bags of shredded cheese is to flip all of the GOP-approved books upside down, just to annoy. It works! Half the customers think it's funny, and half grimace like they've swallowed a stinkbug.

    • fletc3her

      I found that jarring as well. There are five Costcos in the greater D.C. area.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Gay Orifice Probers

  • littlebigdaddy

    Greedy Obese Prudes?

    • Beowoof

      As Carlin once correctly pointed out, have you seen these people no one wants to fuck them. Which makes the prude part sort of forced upon them.

  • Pragmatist2

    50% of Republicans can't spell GOP

  • I'm one of that 50%. I always thought GOP stood for Party of The Stupid.

  • Grandpa Owned People (of color).

  • El Pinche

    Of course republicans think Ford is the best American company. Afterall, they secretly took bail-out from the Fed and lied about it in TV ad. Hypocrisy, lying, and stealing .. that IS the GOP.

    • Negropolis

      As a Michigander, it drives me crazy the hypocrisy of Ford. People tend to forget that the only reason they didn't need a direct federal bailout is because they had borrowed a shitload of money just before the economy tanked, and it was luck, not because they had awesome foresight. This is not even to mention that they lobbied for the bailout of the other two, because they knew if they went over, it'd kill the supplier base, which would eventually collapse their operations. It's why Toyota was also silently lobbying for a bailout. A collapse would have killed their American operations.

      • El Pinche

        Yep! And I'm glad the WH called out Ford on their hypocrisy and flat out lies for the ad. Of course, the wingtards, and the MSM are calling it "censorship."

  • Callyson

    Greedy Old Pigs
    Gross Obnoxious Pricks
    Ghastly Odious Pinheads

    • PalinzADummy

      all good, all good.

  • baconzgood

    Gyroscope Obtuseness Piledriver?

    (3 words taken randomly from my Webster's)

  • El Pinche

    Gobs of Poop

  • Doktor Zoom

    Hey, you know what other political party name(s) they don't understand very clearly?

    • mumbly_joe

      Working Families Party?
      Constitution Party?

      All of them, Katie?

    • Generation[redacted]

      The Popular People's Front?

      • Oblios_Cap

        The Judean Peoples' Front?

        • Generation[redacted]


    • Beowoof

      DemocratIC, always pisses me off when they use the Frank Luntz version.

    • Geminisunmars

      Teabagging Party?

  • prommie

    There is no shortage of things republicans don't know. They have an inexhaustable supply of ignorance. But as a wise man once said, its the things they think they know that just aint so that makes them dangerous.

    • Doktor Zoom

      The Party of Known Unknowns?

      • Geminisunmars

        It's the (willfully) Unknown Knowns that is really scary.

  • An_Outhouse

    Gay Ol' Phlamers

  • chascates

    Giant Obnoxious Perverts

  • DashboardBuddha

    Greedy Olds Pontificate

  • mumbly_joe

    Gentry Oppresses Peasants.

  • Redhead

    I thought it was Gagging On Penis… but grumpy old people is probably more accurate.

  • metamarcisf

    OT, on my lunch break just now I tuned into Glenn Beck and heard him play an interview with Roseanne on the Russia network. Says Beck, "these are extremely dangerous people."

    • Redhead

      Well, they do drink a lot in Russia – and according to Beck, if you have a glass of wine or other alcoholic beverage, it's only a matter of time until you throw it at him.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Communist Russia has gotten so bad, you can't even take your family to Central Park anymore.

        • Indiepalin

          In America, you go to cops to report robbery. In Soviet Union, cops come to you. America. Vat a country.

    • Geminisunmars

      What – is Roseanne (Barr Arnold) now an expert on Russia? And she talks to Beck? Things are just changing too much for me.

      • HistoriCat

        Used to be we would get our Russia Today update from Sara Benincasa. Good times.

        Course, back then we wore onions on our belt, which was the style at the time.

  • mumbly_joe

    Grifters for Obtaining the Presidency?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Gnasty Oily Pustules

  • Generation[redacted]

    Come on. You could write an article titled "Things Republicans Don't Know" and just link to any wikipedia page.

  • hilbillyheroine

    Greedy Old Perverts.

  • fletc3her

    In Washington's last election for governor the republican candidate put "GOP" as his party affiliation on the ballot. Apparently their internal polling showed that voters had an overall negative view of the republican party, but not nearly as negative a view of the "GOP".

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    "GOProud" is just so funny… does it have a rainbow flag underneath it?
    They're outing themselves and they don't even know it!

  • johnnymeatworth

    Gaggle of Plunderers?

  • owhatever

    Grand Old Party! Do I get a prize? Or at least an American flag sticker for my Hoveround?

  • MonsterAGoGo

    Izzat one o them newfangled citylurnin ack ro names?

    Everbuddy knows Gee Oh Pee stands for Jesus Has Zero Tolerance fer Phaggots.

    Also, ah dun pooped on muh coon hound agin bah assident. He shouldna been sittin there!

  • PalinzADummy

    Kirsten, you're getting better at this "beat them to death with their own bullshit" routine. Congrats!

  • Geminisunmars

    It may be a Vanity Fair Poll, but it is Fox News graph reading. The way that graph looks to me LESS than 50% could identify what GOP means.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Graph: all Amurkans.
      Text: 51% of Republicans, 45% of all

  • poncho_pilot

    Guillotined On Pay-Per-View.

    • PalinzADummy

      If you build it, they will come. And we will pay to watch.

      Signed: Madame DeFarge

  • Tundra Grifter

    Geezers – Old & Pathetic.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Globally Obstructive Partisans

    Gang of Pissants

  • Poindexter718

    Gay Old Pervies?
    Gimpy Old Plutocrats?

  • GregComlish

    Gauntlet of Power

    Are you fucking kidding me? Is this some kind of cosplay enthusiast D&D bullshit? Does a fraction of the GOP live in fucking Mordor? Are these people flying on the Ron Paul Blimp, playing an emulated version of Atari's Gauntlet with their vintage Nintendo Power Gloves while listening to some ambiguously-gay techno remix of He-Man's "I have the power"?


  • SheriffRoscoe

    Get Off my Phuckin' lawn

  • Toomush_Infer

    But it should be Get Out of Politics….

  • smitallica

    Goebbels' Oligarchic Progeny?

  • Antispandex

    Gropus Omni Pubis? I failed Latin.

  • JackObin

    Great Overweight Pussies.

  • oldmayfly

    GOP stood for Grand Old Party when they were not old, and they were anti-slavery, pro-Union.

    Nowadays GOP stands for Greed, Oil, Pietism.

  • Goatse on Parade?
    Globule of Pus?
    Greasy Old Peckerheads?

  • shebeers

    Greedy, Obstinate & Punitive

  • fuflans

    meh. las vegas.

    you know what OTHER city was decadent?

    • Negropolis

      Rome before it was Christianized to high heaven?

  • Negropolis

    "Gauntlet of Power" would be so fucking dope.

  • shebeers

    Greedy, Obstinant & Punitive

  • sean_p

    Gout Osteo-Porosis

  • ttommyunger

    New fun fact: 100% of poll answers come from sheeples who still have a home phone and are so bereft of an actual life they answer that phone and then spend time answering inane questions from a perfect fucking stranger.

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