BIG ISSUES  9:12 pm September 30, 2011

Is Monstrously Obese Chris Christie Even Too Fat For Republican Voters?

by Wonkette Jr.

Jabba the Hutt wants his shirt back.Republicans are a large bunch, if you get what we mean. When Teabaggers sit around the house, they literally sit around the 3,800-square-foot foreclosed tract house, in Florida. The latest advances in physics are repeatedly tested by the makers of Hoverounds and Rascals, as the wee scooters are expected to carry ever heavier loads. So there hasn’t been a lot of political speculation regarding the Jabba the Hutt-esque physique of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. After all, if two-thirds of Americans are already overweight or obese, then it would seem Christie has a huge built-in constituency. But in an effort to avoid writing about the Wall Street protests now spreading across the nation like a Sam’s Club 12-pack of Velveeta on a Family Size sack of Tostitos in the microwave, the nation’s pundits finally had to “go there” and write about how Chris Christie is too fucking fat to be president, because he’s about to fall over and die, due to fatness.

In the days before the insane specualtion about Christie’s presidential aspirations somehow became “Top News” for a week, we could all sit back and laugh when, say, Christie bought a gigantic new helicopter with taxpayer money to carry him from his King Kong-sized bed to his kids’ school ball game a few yards away from his mansion. But now, this is a National Security Matter, apparently.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

Straight-talking New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a portly guy — and has spoken publicly in the past about his struggles with the scale. Now that he might be a contender for Republican nominee for president, other people are speaking publicly about his weight, too, and what impact it might have on his electability next November.

Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson wrote that the governor needed to lose weight for his (and the country’s) health. Others complained that an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character.

Michael Kinsley kind of skipped all the bullshit and went straight to the point:

Look, I’m sorry, but New Jersey Governor Chris Christie cannot be president: He is just too fat.

Congratulations, national media, for finding a way to “fill the space” this week! Good job all around!

[Bloomberg/LAT]

 
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{ 402 comments }

KenLayIsAlive September 30, 2011 at 9:15 pm

"Get me three boxes of frozen White Kasuls. Yes. THREE."

tessiee October 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Also cedar cheez and some of those cakes we like.

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Is there an example of a cake about which Christie would NOT say "cakes we like"?

KenLayIsAlive October 1, 2011 at 2:22 pm

some kind of strange celery based health cake?

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:05 am

Duh. CARROT cake, obvy.

tessiee October 1, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Semantic nitpick: There may be cakes that Christie doesn't *like*, but will eat anyway, but there aren't any cakes that Christie *refuses to eat* — and that includes urinal cakes.

Nostrildamus October 1, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Freedom!

starfanglednut October 1, 2011 at 8:21 pm

And two packs of cigs apeace.

You know, that was one of my favorite posts ever.

starfanglednut October 1, 2011 at 10:18 pm

What?

Negropolis October 2, 2011 at 4:00 am

You know, I I have no fucking idea. lol Obviously, I read something into your post that wasn't there. I'm not getting the joke. I have no idea what reference you're making to "two packs of cigs 'apeace'".

starfanglednut October 2, 2011 at 7:44 am
PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Everybody has off days and nights, even you. It's all good.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:08 am

True. I mean, that it's my favourite too, not that it's yours. You know, because I wouldn't know if that was true, or … wut?

LetUsBray September 30, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Hey, hey, hey.

hilbillyheroine September 30, 2011 at 9:47 pm

It's FAT CHRIS (TEE)

SwanSwanH September 30, 2011 at 9:19 pm

"Three Orange Whips."

littlebigdaddy September 30, 2011 at 11:02 pm

I knew John Candy slightly. He was a real gourmand, unlike most fatties today who get that way eating Popeyes or whatever. He was also honestly funny and kind.

SwanSwanH September 30, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Well, his drill sergeant would say, "lighten up, Francis."

Barb September 30, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Yep, Instead of Iraq, we’d invade IHOP.

Spurning Beer October 1, 2011 at 9:16 am

Ooh, a multinational coalition of the delicious! The signature injury of this conflict will be fat-rash.

DashboardBuddha October 1, 2011 at 9:26 am

Just beware of the Roadside Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity

lamorenabruja October 1, 2011 at 11:49 am

But, hey, less waffling, amirite?

tessiee October 1, 2011 at 1:32 pm

"Instead of Iraq, we’d invade IHOP"

*thinks*
OK, so…
It would be cheaper…
It would be easier…
It would be more fun…
We could all sit in a booth, except Chris Christie, who would have to stay in the Escalade, because he's too fat to fit in a booth, and also because everybody hates him.
Instead of horrible injuries and post-traumatic stress, the worst that could happen is a little agida…
Oh, yeah, and four kinds of syrup.

I see no downside to Barb's plan.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:10 am

Now that I think of it …

MOAR real maple syrup!

Walkinwiddaking October 1, 2011 at 5:26 pm

After he orders and eats every item on the breakfast menu his underlings can erect a banner that will finally ring true. Mission Accomplished.

Generation[redacted] October 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm

With a "Coalition of the Filling"

Sharkey September 30, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Wow. TWO Friday night posts. Good Job Wonkette!

Seriously though, I think Jr. used up every single fat joke in the book in 3 or 4 paragraphs. I am humbled.

Radiohead September 30, 2011 at 9:25 pm

We are phat with Friday night posts.

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Christie went to a straw poll and changed it to a 22″ Y-cement pole.

Pres.Libunatic September 30, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I'm no fan of Christie, but come on. These are the same turds that said Barry was too thin/too much of a smoker to be Preznit.

ibwilliamsi October 1, 2011 at 2:45 am

Only assholes call our President "Barry".

gurukalehuru October 1, 2011 at 3:15 am

I call him Barry. Come to think of it, I can be a bit of an asshole at times. Carry on.

Limeylizzie October 1, 2011 at 6:58 am

I call him either Barry or Hopey.

V572 Moon! October 1, 2011 at 7:04 am

Of course we do. It's done with love. If we called Christie "Fatso" it would be similar. Maybe.

Limeylizzie October 1, 2011 at 8:07 am

I think I would go with Fat Cunt.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:11 am

I call him "DarlingHoneyBabyLover," but only in my dreams.

RavenRant October 2, 2011 at 3:46 am

Barry Hopesalot. A Wonkette classic.

Pres.Libunatic October 1, 2011 at 7:10 am

OK, whatever. I guess if I call him Hopey I'm a double asshole, eh? And if I draw pictures of Hopey Barry on a rainbow unicorn I'm the modern-day equivalent of Hitler.

mumbly_joe October 1, 2011 at 7:44 am
Pres.Libunatic October 1, 2011 at 8:20 am

I wonder what I would be called if I drew Hopey Barry on a unicorn with a pancake on his head.

738838 October 1, 2011 at 7:28 am

Only assholes can be president, also.

Chet Kincaid October 1, 2011 at 9:06 pm

I believe in the Asshole-ishness of Hope. I am the asshole I've been waiting for!

lulzmonger October 1, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Be the asshole you want to see!

*** GOATSE 2012 – We Have To Go Deeper … ***

crybabyboehner October 1, 2011 at 8:34 am

The Fatso Strategy didn't work out too well for Corzine. Then again he was a Goldman Sachs vampire squid. Also bald. Come to think of it, have we ever had a bald president? Bad news for Rick Scott …

Fare la Volpe October 1, 2011 at 10:30 am

Most of the founding fathers were bald; they just wore fabulous wigs.

The moral of the story is that America is ready for its first Drag Queen President.

Rotundo_ October 1, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Rudy is ready and waiting if called to serve.

HistoriCat October 1, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Ru Paul 2012!

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:15 am

Much better than the OTHER Pauls running for office — Ron, Rand, Ryan.

tessiee October 1, 2011 at 1:51 pm

"Come to think of it, have we ever had a bald president? Bad news for Rick Scott …"

But good news for Dwight D. Eisenhower, whose record remains unchallenged.

paris biltong October 1, 2011 at 3:42 pm

And even, had he lost, Stevenson!

BerkeleyBear October 1, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Ike was a billiard ball. Ford was pretty much bald by the time of his appointment. Lots of balding/ "prominent foreheads" in the teens/twenties (Coolidge, Harding, Wilson were all thinning, I'm pretty sure, and James Garfield had basically lost the battle of the bald). Washington, Adams, Monroe and Madison all wore wigs at times, but I don't know if they were all bald (Adams was Giuliani esque) or shaved for the body lice free/wig friendly look.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:14 am

Jezus Christ, could you please NOT use the word "president" in the same sentence as "asshole blood-drinking baby-eating skullfaced ambulatory turd"?

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Can you choose your battles more carefully and reserve your sympathy for someone who isn't such an insufferable asshole? Chris Christie is morbidly obese, period; it is but one of his defining characteristics. He didn't have his legs shot off in the war, nor was he born with a disability (that we know of).

Jeeze, "Lean Britney ALONE!", indeed.

dopper0189 October 2, 2011 at 9:37 am

Wow someone slightly offended by snark at Wonkette? I bet you didn't expect to find snark here, and Gov Fatso thought a diet coke with his happy meals would keep off the pounds.

DaRooster September 30, 2011 at 9:21 pm

"He is just too fat."

Upon hearing this Christie replied, "Arby's Bitches… we're goin' to Arby's! Get my chopper!"

chicken_thief September 30, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Christie is to portly as a fucking nuclear bomb is to noisy.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:18 am

Christie left "portly" behind half a century ago.

Sharkey September 30, 2011 at 9:23 pm

The "Oval Office" does not refer to donuts, Governor Christie.

GuanoFaucet September 30, 2011 at 9:23 pm

I don't know, this country has elected several giant assholes President before, so maybe Christie has a shot.

Barb September 30, 2011 at 9:25 pm

The only shot this fat fuck has is insulin.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:19 am

Well, he's got the "giant asshole" part down, all right.

horsedreamer_1 October 2, 2011 at 3:42 am

So, you are saying, Chris Christie has an huge opening.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:30 pm

HUGE.

Negropolis October 2, 2011 at 4:12 am

You know, giant assholes were so much more klassy when they had monocles and gem-studded walking canes. I could listen to FDR cuss me out in his upper-crust, Mid-Atlantic English accent all day long.

Tommmcattt September 30, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Who's left to vote for him? He eated the electorate.

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I bet he's pissed that he can't run for president of China.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:19 am

Why? So many more dining opportunities?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 2, 2011 at 2:34 am

Nah… an hour later, he'd just be hungry again.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 2:36 am

It's a good thing I'm an atheist and don't believe in hell because I LOL'd … oh, wait, I forgot to whom I was speaking.

rocktonsam September 30, 2011 at 9:26 pm

he is so fat , he can't fit on a hoverhound.

teabaggers won't like that

however,

large man John Goodman was POTUS on West Wing, Teevee knows best.

BerkeleyBear September 30, 2011 at 9:56 pm

But only when the better looking guy with MS stepped down because his daughter got kidnapped and his VP had quit in disgrace. And he only had the job for what, 2 weeks? All that happens, then maybe I'd be okay with President Lardass on a temporary basis. Maybe.

And I say this as a "big boned" American.

chicken_thief September 30, 2011 at 9:26 pm

"…an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character."

'Merikun Essepshunalism!!!!

AJWjr. October 1, 2011 at 8:25 pm

He is morally weak, right?

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:20 am

Upfist!

MLHencken September 30, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Our modern day Taft, but fatter.

savethispatient September 30, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Finally we can have Taft's 2nd Term!

a_pink_poodle September 30, 2011 at 9:58 pm

I dunno if we can have a fatter Taft. And his handling of the Ballinger Affair wasn't so hot either.

BerkeleyBear September 30, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Taft was 1/2 an inch taller and under 300 lbs when he got named TR's successor He topped out at 340 as President (TRs biographer says that was a gain of 50+, largely due to depression) then was back to 270 when he got put on the Supreme Court and back to 244 (his college weight) later.

I'm just guessing here, but I suspect the last time Christie saw the right side of 300 was around junior prom. So much, much fatter (and it isn't like the office takes weight off most people).

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:21 am

CrispyCritter clocked in at 320 lb recently, but he definitely looks like he's gained weight since election.

Negropolis September 30, 2011 at 10:23 pm

First thought that came to my mind was Taft, and that Taft was taller, and carried his weight far better than Christie does.

I really do think his weight is a legitimate question given that Christie isn't just overweight, or obese, but visibly morbidly obese.

littlebigdaddy September 30, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Get on the raft with Taft! Or not.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:22 am

Anybody gettin' on a raft with Taft better have a life preserver and some GOOD swimming skills.

HempDogbane September 30, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Taft wasn't allowed a helicopter, either.

mumbly_joe October 1, 2011 at 7:46 am

Here's a fun fact: Taft is the only person who's served both as President and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He's also the only President to get stuck in the Presidential Bathtub. Only one of these facts is common knowledge.

tessiee October 1, 2011 at 2:09 pm

"He's also the only President to get stuck in the Presidential Bathtub"

I once got stuck in a bathtub.
OK, not exactly a bathtub, really, it was more like the shower at my house…
Also, I wasn't the only person *in* the shower at the time…
And now that I think of it, it was more than just the once…

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 9:41 pm

And, I heard that he walked to the court, everyday. Can you even imagine anyone being able (or wanting) to do that in today's America?

mumbly_joe October 1, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Hypothetical Chief Justice Christie (cringe) would take a helicopter from his home to Capitol Hill, and then have a driver take him the rest of the way to court.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:21 am

And more obnoxious.

UW8316154 September 30, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Moral weakness!

hilbillyheroine September 30, 2011 at 9:31 pm

You are completely OVER estimating Florida teabaggers. Having lived in Florida for 9 years, until 2 years ago, most of the illiterate teabaggers live in 1,000 sq. foot, rusted trailers.

Spurning Beer October 1, 2011 at 9:24 am

Yes, they do. But those single-wides get to be very snug-fitting, kinda like the tube-tops and stretch pants featured in "People of Walmart."

UW8316154 September 30, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Oh for cripes sake, make up your mind, media people. Which is more awful: a thin, fit president who can play ball, but smokes? or a fat guy? Have we descended to *this* level of bullshit to determine who the prezdint is?

LetUsBray September 30, 2011 at 9:49 pm

It's shameful that they haven't asked the question that really matters: Which one would you rather have a beer with?

gurukalehuru October 1, 2011 at 5:10 am

Why, yes. Yes, we have.

V572 Moon! October 1, 2011 at 7:10 am

What do you want the media to talk about — the class warfare that the Riches have already won? Our government illegally murdering people all over the world with drones? Ten percent unemployment everywhere except the place where they can do something about it (DC)? Admitted liars in Congress accepting bribes in the form of "campaign contributions"? How the number of people without health insurance is not coincidentally the same as the number of people in poverty?

BORING!

Come here a minute September 30, 2011 at 9:34 pm

When even Letterman is apologizing for going too far with the fat jokes, you know the guy is REALLY REALLY FAT!

not that Dewey September 30, 2011 at 10:09 pm

What happened? Did Letterman rape Christie with his mouth?

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Rape. Mouth. Christie.

You know Dew, even here on fucking Wonkette, there are lines you just don't cross.

not that Dewey September 30, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Hey, Pristine! I just got chid!

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Damn straight you got chid. And if you don't mind your p's & q's, I'll come back here and scol you.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:27 am

You sure did, darling! Let me take up arms in your defense.

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Just for the record, I didn't say anything worse than what Sara K Smith had said, only I included Christie, which, upon further reflection, is much, much worse. As you were saying…

Come here a minute October 1, 2011 at 7:29 am

There was a segment where he sat at the desk and seriously addressed the camera about bullying kids for being fat, and saying he is ashamed if he in any way contributes to that, because bullying is a serious issue..

But he also did the thing where the writer tries to tell non-fat Christie jokes, like "Christie is so dumb, when he wears yellow, people yell ‘taxi!'"

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 9:18 am

"His blood type is alfredo". je je. I found that bit and the top ten from earlier in the week, but I didn't see the earnest bit. Letterman typically manages to survive these "scandals" through some combination of saying the right thing and mercilessly skewering whoever it was complained about it.

Negropolis September 30, 2011 at 10:24 pm

I guess you missed the rest of last night's show. He apologized by –get this — getting a writer to come out to make more fat jokes. It was truly hilarious.

fuflans September 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

well i don't know about any of this, but the national ledger insists the national enquirer is reporting todd is fed up with sarah and divorce is rumored.

these people are less fat, all things considered.

Barrelhse September 30, 2011 at 10:08 pm
__kth__ September 30, 2011 at 10:16 pm

someone should do a version with all the words misspelled, like the Palins would. 'd-e-v-o-r-s-e', 'c-u-s-t-i-d-y'

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:31 am

It sure took him long enough! Given her nasty temper, her pathological lying, her predisposition to violence, and her total lack of care for her family (including those reports of her throwing things at Toad), and, if rumour is to be believed, the fact that she was doing his business partner, it's about time he dumped her ass.

hilbillyheroine September 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

And Christie will bankrupt Obamacare with angioplasty, insulin, and heart caths. He won't serve half the term of half-term Palin, before he drops dead of a massive coronary. Vote for the VP.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:37 am

He's diabeetus waiting to happen. Also, he has asthma, and was recently schlepped to the hospital. Does that sound like a man who can run a grueling campaign for over a year?

Chichikovovich September 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

C'mon now. Christie is no heavier than William Howard Taft was, and I expect Christie could be every bit as substandard and unpopular as President.

Negropolis September 30, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Christie makes Taft look damn-near svelte. Plus, Taft was known for being a mean, angry bitch. Perhaps, people would have more sympathy for the guy if his entire claim to fame is potraying himself as some borderline, mean-as-a-snake thug.

Radiodead September 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

What an adiposer.

Sharkey September 30, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Haven't seen that one in a while… graphics-wise…

Spurning Beer October 1, 2011 at 9:53 am

He's Adipose Rex, dude.

Nostrildamus October 1, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Adipose, amigos!

MilwaukeeKent September 30, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Taft Bathtub!

BarackMyWorld September 30, 2011 at 9:38 pm

We're never going to have a serious, issues-based campaign, are we?

Guppy06 September 30, 2011 at 9:58 pm

When both major parties are on the same page for most real issues, what's left to talk about?

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Ha ha ha. HA HA HA!

Oh, that's rich.

SayItWithWookies September 30, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Why start now?

Radiodead September 30, 2011 at 10:59 pm

C'mon, BMW, obesity is a serious issue.

DashboardBuddha September 30, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Of course not…a serious, issue-baded campaign would be absolutely shit for ratings.

Rotundo_ October 1, 2011 at 1:01 pm

No. We don't have a serious political system (it is a division of our banking and investment sector) so the candidates are as serious as the system. We are hopelessly screwed. Laugh about it, crying will only stuff up your nose.

friendlyskies October 1, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Why do you think the smart kids are protesting Wall Street, rather than wasting their time in DC?

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:10 pm

I'm sure there will be plenty of issue…

SudsMcKenzie October 1, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Not while Kardashians roam the earth.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:38 am

Not till we get some serious, issues-based candidates (other than POTUS, that is).

OC_Surf_Serf September 30, 2011 at 9:39 pm

c'mon…so he is large…but that's not his real problem: it is when he lashed out at a constituent for asking him why he sends his kids to private school that he showed the world he has not the temperament or maturity to be President….

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:41 am

No, if he was "large," most people would turn a blind eye. Chris Christie is not "large." He is clinically, terminally, OBESE. He is what your doctor points to when s/he's trying to get you to exercise to lower your blood sugar and cholesterol. This guy is so fat, he has more chins than the Singapore phone book. That's not "large." Large people like myself get offended by being lumped in with the likes of this grotesquely fat, out-of-shape slob. Shit, I've only got one good leg, but I bet I can walk further even on a bad day than that ambulatory lardball.

hilbillyheroine September 30, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Adipositian. Jesus was fat, rich, and greedy, and hated the poors, too. Also.

Radiodead September 30, 2011 at 10:00 pm

He was also notorious for flying around, willy-nilly, in helicopters.

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Well I heard he flew around, pell mell, on pterodactyls.

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 12:03 am

Well, I heard he flew around, smoking Pall Malls.

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 12:07 am

Well I heard he was around the mall handing out Paul flyers.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:42 am

You *would* say that, you … you … avian.

NorthStarSpanx September 30, 2011 at 9:41 pm

He may be fat. He may be an asshole. But by god, the guy has told the world time and again unequivocally and without nuance, that he does not have a fire in that enormous belly and he does not want the White House at this time.

At least he knows his limitations, and I'm speaking physically as well as a first term "Chief Executive."

SayItWithWookies September 30, 2011 at 10:34 pm

The advantage of being a governor is that no matter what a jackass you are, you have to balance your budget every so often (depending on the state constitution) and that you can always beg the Federal government for more money regardless of your own professed philosophy on Fed spending. When you're president, you can't beg the next guy up for money to fix your problems.

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 1:56 am

Yes you can. We beg China for shit all of the time.

gvvt October 1, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Have to PRETEND to balance the budget..

mumbly_joe October 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Meh, it's really more like one of the disadvantages of being a governor is that you have to balance your budget, so when the economy goes to shit and your state revenue drops off a cliff because nobody has a job or a home and nobody's buying anything, your only recourse is a combination of raising taxes, cutting public benefits, and laying off state workers, none of which actually help move the economy in a positive direction.

This is actually one of the very very fundamental reasons we need a federal government, which can run deficits when it needs to, to give the economy a kick-start and/or to ameliorate the pressure on the states, and also why any sort of "balanced budget amendment' that barred the federal government from deficit-spending would be downright catastrophic.

mourningnmerica October 1, 2011 at 4:12 am

Maybe he does have a fire in his belly, but he just hasn't found it yet.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:45 am

He's just indicated that he might throw his twenty-gallon hat into the ring after all. The teabaggers will hate him after six weeks, or less. He had the gall to nominate a Muslim to a NJ court, and to insist that the paranoia about Muslims was bullshit. AND he has a LOT of positions that are not shared by the baggers.

AJWjr. October 2, 2011 at 6:38 pm

But he ain't near, so there's that.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 9:15 pm

There's that, all right. Because at this point, it looks like the teabaggers will have to choose between the Nears, unless Christie waddles in.

Chichikovovich September 30, 2011 at 9:41 pm

"…an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character."

It's defeatist to make your body smaller. Real Americans make their house, clothes, bathtub and helecopter *bigger*.

chascates September 30, 2011 at 9:44 pm

And as full of shit as a government mule, as they used to say.

orygoon September 30, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I sure don't want to have to look at it for four-plus years.

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Don't call Christie a RINO!!

He's a HIPPO!!

hilbillyheroine September 30, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Sarah-tard has lost a ton of weight these last few months. So if she mates with Christie, it could be the Binge/Purge 2012 ticket. Right?

deelzebub September 30, 2011 at 10:13 pm

It's all the stress from her worrying when Willow will get knocked up.

bflrtsplk October 1, 2011 at 3:38 pm

She's stressed wondering why it's taking so long. The family needs a new "cash cow."

AJWjr. October 2, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Normally I don't give a shit what either of these 'tards do, but I fear Christie would eat her, for nourishment.

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 9:58 pm

an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character.

Whenever me and the wife go to Walmart, I'm always telling her, "Geez, look at all these failed characters."

Radiodead September 30, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Morally weak is what they are.

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Cardiovascularly weak is what they are.

Crank_Tango October 1, 2011 at 3:00 pm

but hard of arteries.

Beowoof September 30, 2011 at 11:20 pm

As they ride their mart carts around loaded with french fries, sausage, chips, dip etc. You know all the tea bagger food groups.

not that Dewey September 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm

That would actually be a fairly accurate observation, regardless of their weight.

Limeylizzie October 1, 2011 at 6:59 am

Oh Owls I am crushed…..you go to Walmart?

HistoriCat October 1, 2011 at 7:59 am

I'm pretty sure that if you live in Arkansas, you're required by state law to go to Walmart.

Limeylizzie October 1, 2011 at 8:06 am

I forgot that our most beloved Avian pal lives in Arkansas. Poor Owls.

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Yes Lizzie, but no, Cat.

There's no legal mandate saying you can only shop there; you're free to choose from among any alternative options you can find.

Just like you are free to eschew gravity and instead opt to follow any other law of physics that you can find .

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:48 am

It's clear that we need to organize airlifts of food and other human-type goods to the Owls. What a horrible fate, to live in Arkansas!

V572 Moon! October 1, 2011 at 7:14 am

Always remember that your lifespan is the outcome of a negotiation between your taste buds and your coronary arteries.

JustPixelz October 1, 2011 at 8:22 am

I guess I'll have to do the same. Except I can do it while looking in the mirror. It's a big mirror, OK?

weejee October 1, 2011 at 10:30 am

Need the push-aways as well as the pushups.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:46 am

I don't believe you and Mrs. Owls have *ever* been to Mall-Wart.

Guppy06 September 30, 2011 at 9:59 pm

He's only obese by the federal government's standards. Why is Big Government trying to regulate BMI?

Radiodead September 30, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I suppose, ultimately, it shows how desperate the Repugs are for a substantial candidate.

deelzebub September 30, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Like Chris Christopher Christofferson Christie, I too battle the scale. The only difference is, that I freaked out when the scale read 125, threw out my junk food, and got my ass on a treadmill.

Negropolis September 30, 2011 at 10:28 pm

How tall are you that 125 lbs would 'cause you to freak out? lol One of Chris Christie's legs weight more than you.

deelzebub October 1, 2011 at 12:30 am

DNA is a cruel mistress. At 125, my legs probably have more cellulite than Chris Christie's.

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 2:02 am

Let me be real, again. Chris Christie probably has more cellulite in his fingers than you do in your entire lower body.

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 10:31 pm

So, you had a pique of fit?

Nostrildamus October 1, 2011 at 3:41 pm

awesome

mourningnmerica October 1, 2011 at 4:16 am

When Chris Christie looked at the scale and saw 125 lbs, he just shrugged and went back out to recess.

Sparky_McGruff October 1, 2011 at 11:02 am

I suspect Chris Christie hit 125 before he knew how to read the numbers on a scale.

Crank_Tango October 1, 2011 at 3:03 pm

well what they don't tell you is Chris Christie's scale is set to stone, not pounds.

JustPixelz October 1, 2011 at 8:24 am

I'm twice the man you are deelzebub. And what is this "treadmill" you speak of?

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Well, being that deelzebub isn't a man, I'd sure hope so. lol

Gunner Asch October 1, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Holy smokes. I got down to 133 when I had dysentery and you could play the xylophone on my ribcage. Are you a cast member of Fern Gully?

deelzebub October 1, 2011 at 8:55 pm

No, just a very small girl accustomed to weighing between 115 and 120, eating whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Stupid aging, stupid metabolism slowing down…(wanders off in the direction of her workout torture devices muttering sullenly)

hollywooddood September 30, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Americans will never elect an African American.

Radiodead September 30, 2011 at 11:01 pm

It's not so black and white. I would say the odds are 50/50.

horsedreamer_1 October 1, 2011 at 3:12 am

But the President isn't an American, just African.

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm

How about a Christofan Christican?

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 10:15 pm

His blubber is a red herring.

The real issue is whether America is ready for a president from New Jersey.

Lucidamente1 September 30, 2011 at 10:26 pm

You mean since Grover Cleveland?

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 10:35 pm

I mean since we stopped electing presidents with outrageous facial hair.

unclejeems October 1, 2011 at 1:13 am

You mean since Woodrow Wilson?

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 2:14 am

I mean since we stopped electing presidents with any facial hair.

imissopus October 1, 2011 at 2:19 am

Not true. Reagan had a beard.

Wait, you meant on his face. And now I've made myself throw up.

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 2:29 am

Using that standard, we could count Clinton cuz had a 'stash.' He never inhaled its smoke, of course, but he had it nonetheless.

V572 Moon! October 1, 2011 at 7:15 am
PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:57 am

There's a lot more than a herring's worth of blubber on that Great White Whale.

__kth__ September 30, 2011 at 10:21 pm

A thin or even trim Chris Christie makes about as much sense as a skinny Suge Knight. "Shut the fuck up" or "Suck my dick" or whatever Christie's tagline is, kinda presupposes a rotund speaker.

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 10:34 pm

So that's why Santa said those things to me!

Negropolis September 30, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Two words concerning a Christie run: Rudolph Giuliani.

tcaalaw September 30, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Yep, "Chris Christie" is American for "Rudy Giuliani".

Radiodead September 30, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Noun Verb Eat.

Barrelhse September 30, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Nein wun wun.

Mojopo October 1, 2011 at 10:25 am

Two words about a Christie run: heart attack.

gvvt October 1, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Exactly – there is no way he could RUN for president

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:42 pm

"Had a very shiny nose?"

ProudLibunatic October 1, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

deanbooth September 30, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Christie isn't allowed to attend the OWS. His shirt is a tent-like structure.

user-of-owls September 30, 2011 at 11:14 pm

His handkerchief is a tent-like structure.

His shirt is a fucking Christo installation.

SayItWithWookies September 30, 2011 at 10:39 pm

And yet nobody has come out and said that one of the Republican candidates isn't viable because he/she is too dumb. But then again, they've got the preponderance of evidence on their side.

Beowoof September 30, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Just a preponderance? That could be at least clear and convincing evidence if not beyond a reasonable doubt.

tessiee October 3, 2011 at 10:34 am

They don't have a concept of "too dumb". Since they aggressively value stupidity and ignorance, calling someone "too dumb" would be like calling them "too rich" or "too sociopathic".

poncho_pilot September 30, 2011 at 10:42 pm

good ol' Baron Porkonnen. one time his stomachs growled every Maker on Arrakis to the Grand Palace of Arrakeen. thanks heavens for the Shield Wall!

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2011 at 1:19 am

Bring in that floating fat man…

finallyhappy October 1, 2011 at 3:43 pm

So how bad was the Dune remake?

poncho_pilot October 2, 2011 at 9:43 am

um…i'm not sure i want to watch it to find out. the David Lynch movie–i only appreciate it for its cheesy take on the book and the cast. and it's David Lynch who i'm a fan of.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:02 am

I'm stealing "Baron Porkonnen."

poncho_pilot October 2, 2011 at 9:43 am

please do!

Radiodead September 30, 2011 at 10:47 pm

This is good news for Erik Erikson.

ApplesauceRobot September 30, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Imagine the state funeral. The riderless horse would have to be a Clydesdale.

CountryClubJihadi September 30, 2011 at 11:03 pm

With a 21 Cinnabon Salute.

DaRooster September 30, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Don't forget the napkin gets folded into a triangle.

Doktor Zoom October 1, 2011 at 1:21 am

Or a squad of solemnly-dressed Oompa-Loompas could roll the deceased to Arlington.

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 8:34 pm

While the US Marine Corps Lap Band plays "Seventy-Six Strombolis"

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:03 am

They'd have to. His coffin would be pretty close to round, and too heavy to carry.

bflrtsplk October 1, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Make that 50 Clydesdales.

imissopus September 30, 2011 at 11:06 pm

My fellow Americans, my first act as President will be to bulldoze that health-food harpy Michelle Obama's organic garden and put a mall food court on the South Lawn…

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 1:57 am

Ooo…I hope it has more than one Sbarro!

imissopus October 1, 2011 at 2:13 am

But of course. Look at that guy, he's never met a carb he could say "no" to.

Beowoof September 30, 2011 at 11:17 pm

They want him to run for office but I think it might be more of a slow waddle.

DashboardBuddha September 30, 2011 at 11:19 pm

FYI, ya'll. I'm as fat or fatter than CC (but it seems that poundage is dropping now that I've quit a particular evil anti-depressant). I'm sure a fat dude can run the country…I just don't think THIS fat dude can run the country. To Mr. Kinsley I would say this. Suck my fat cock…you don't know what you're talking about.

Barrelhse September 30, 2011 at 11:32 pm

DB- who ever heard of a SKINNY Buddha? You'll have to change your avatar to Dashboard Marie Osmond if you're not careful!

Fare la Volpe October 1, 2011 at 10:20 am

You've clearly never been to South East Asia.

Barrelhse October 1, 2011 at 11:51 am

I stand corrected.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:05 am

Perhaps that was Sakyamuni before the enlightenment.

Limeylizzie October 1, 2011 at 7:02 am

Yes, that may be true but he has not one iota of your adorableness .

DashboardBuddha October 1, 2011 at 9:37 am

[blush]

Limeylizzie October 1, 2011 at 2:54 pm

He is more of a Dashboard Bastard.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:06 am

You could even leave out the "Dashboard" part.

Rotundo_ October 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I am in the same boat DB, but this one just begs for slamming. As for Kinsley, like most of his observations, he is pulling this one out of his ass.

ProudLibunatic October 1, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Hmmm..I also lost weight when I could dial down the anti-depressant, but it was nothing compared to Mr. Fatale. (In fact, a friend compared him to a Buddha once. He had gastric-bypass and felt a "full sensation" for the first time in his life! )

The fat thing is conveniently obscuring the real issue. Christie is too liberal for the foaming-at-the-mouth right wingers, and waaay too crude for everyone else, (unless you're a Repub from Jersey).

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:06 am

It's not JUST the fat. It's the fact that he's an asthmatic who can't walk between his helipad and his kid's game.

Barrelhse September 30, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Christie/Huckabee 2012 "They've got friers, and broilers, and Detroit barbeque ribs"

ttommyunger September 30, 2011 at 11:29 pm

This classless turd is as "portly" as my hair is "receding". He is morbidly obese, sports fans, nothing less.

Barrelhse September 30, 2011 at 11:40 pm

They render his farts down at the Grease factory…Just sayin'…

ttommyunger October 1, 2011 at 8:00 am

Ewwwwww!

Crank_Tango October 1, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Tommy, your hair is just attacking in the other direction.

ttommyunger October 1, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Yeah….inward. That's why everybody refers to me as a “hair brain”.

AlterNewt September 30, 2011 at 11:33 pm

"Okay, Bob.. I think..yes…here's the Vice President's limousine…and there's President Christie in Rascal One…."

elfgoldsackring September 30, 2011 at 11:46 pm

C'mon, this mocking is beneath us. Fat people are an easy target. Y'know, like the side of a barn.

el_donaldo September 30, 2011 at 11:55 pm

A popular nickname I've noticed for him here in Jersey is Sandwiches. As in Governor Sandwiches. Or just Sandwiches. Try it. It feels nice.

Jukesgrrl October 1, 2011 at 7:23 am

I heard someone on TV this week (Jon Stewart?) call him Bobby Bacala. That worked for me.

GeorgiaBurning September 30, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Inauguration Day: 43 guys have been sworn in on a Bible, Christie could be the first to place his left hand on a take-out pizza.

chicken_thief October 1, 2011 at 12:34 am

Godfathers, just to fuck with Cain?

Pres.Libunatic October 1, 2011 at 7:12 am

I saw what you did there! Grover Cleveland was a pretty big guy but not big enough to count as two.

Taft, on the other hand…

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 1, 2011 at 12:08 am

Weird, I'm reading this with Michael Moore's visage looking at me…

mavenmaven October 1, 2011 at 12:36 am

But he's all over the map with regards to foreign policy! Get it? All over the map, being fat? Hahaha! Thank you, thank you, you've been a great audience, try the chicken alfredo…

MiniMencken October 1, 2011 at 12:39 am

Chris Christie, he so fat, when he hang around the White House, he hang around the entire White House!

JackDempsey1 October 1, 2011 at 12:56 am

It's odd.
He's all the way to "obese, " and yet he never seemed to pass through a "jolly" phase.

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:20 pm

He's still in the "jelly" phase – Jolly is coming up next.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:09 am

Not likely. He looks closer to death than to jolly.

Goonemeritus October 1, 2011 at 1:14 am

Personally I look forward to watching him sweat barbeque sauce during the presidential debates.

iburl October 1, 2011 at 1:43 am

It's New Jersey, he's probably going to sweat pizza sauce.

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 2:06 am

He's Italian, so it'll probably be marinara.

tessiee October 3, 2011 at 9:07 pm

^^
^
You guys, you're making me homesick.
I can get decent gravy (a/k/a marinara) if I make it myself, but I haven't had really good pizza since I moved away from NJ.

wrksuxcreatbeer October 1, 2011 at 1:27 am

Yo mama's too fat. I is glad to see we is tawking bout de fat people. It sho do take evah boddy's mind off the you know who people. Lawzy.

XOhioan October 1, 2011 at 1:37 am

His upper arm is the size of a Virginia ham. And that's not right, because it would make Lindsey Graham get all hungry.

iburl October 1, 2011 at 1:41 am

That's not the only cut of meat on that flesh mountian that gets Lindsay's datd juices flowing.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:11 am

Chris Chrispy only wears a cock ring so he'll have something to grab on to when he pulls that thang out.

snackypants October 1, 2011 at 1:40 am

I don't think all that weight comes from eating hobo beans.

AlterNewt October 1, 2011 at 2:08 am

He'll be totally beholden to "Big Fat".

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:47 pm

They hire all the best blobbyists.

Radiodead October 1, 2011 at 2:52 am

He's not fat, he's satiety challenged.

BobsGunt October 1, 2011 at 3:36 am

The Republican Party is a Pox on all of us.

stew1 October 1, 2011 at 7:48 am

In Christie's case, a Fried Chicken Pox.

mourningnmerica October 1, 2011 at 3:57 am

When they said Christie has really big balls, I just assumed…

mourningnmerica October 1, 2011 at 4:19 am

When asked if he would run, Christie relied: "Bhdah, bhdah, bhdah, that's all, folks!!!"

Limeylizzie October 1, 2011 at 7:04 am

I couldn't care less if he is fat, I have had a couple of fat phases-not 300lbs fat but definitely "chubby", I do care that he seems like a bully.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:13 am

Darling, "chubby" on a pretty girl with Double-H boobies is a hella lot more charming than on some cantankerous slob with … oh, wait, Christie HAS double-h boobies.

Never mind, I still think you're WAY prettier than he could ever hope to be.

Smithboy October 1, 2011 at 7:15 am

The latest names attached to Christie…Gov Extra Crispy and Gov. Christie Kreme.

stew1 October 1, 2011 at 7:40 am

Think of his poor wife who has to climb Mt. Christie every few months (that's how often Republicans have sex, by the way).

tessiee October 3, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Plus, she'll have to be on top — partly because he's so fat, but mainly because Repubs can only fuck up.

mumbly_joe October 1, 2011 at 7:47 am

BLUBB LIBEL!

stew1 October 1, 2011 at 7:49 am

Christie plans to pick Cain as his Veep so he'll never run out of Deep Dish.

4TheTurnstiles October 1, 2011 at 8:28 am
Extemporanus October 1, 2011 at 9:02 am

I must say that I'm rather disappointed in this thread's worrisome dearth of Chris Christie fat jokes. I didn't catch Letterman the other night, but I can't imagine that he told all of them.

(Or did he?!)

Irregardlessly…

- Chris Christie so fat, his first name ordered seconds!

- Chris Christie so fat, New Jersey's new nickname is "The Olive Garden State"!

- Chris Christie so fat, former New York governor David Patterson can see him!

- Chris Christie so fat, MTV's shooting the next season of Jersey Shore on his toilet seat!

- Chris Christie so fat, his attendance at a Nets game literally moved the team to Brooklyn!

- Chris Christie so fat, he fisted "Big Pussy" to death…with his pinky finger!

- Chris Christie so fat, his arteries are the "Jersey Turnpike" of the circulatory world: clogged, shoe-strewn, and operating under a heavy toll!

- Chris Christie so fat, the last time he was in Atlantic City, Donald Trump bought him and declared bankruptcy!

- Chris Christie so fat, he often finds himself notably winded after essaying moderate amounts of physical exertion (e.g. masturbation; defecation; mastication)!

- Chris Christie so phat, he straight-up devoured the entire Sugarhill Gang during the "Kaopectate portion" of their private live performance of "Rapper's Delight" and gave his diabetes diabetes and dismissed his diabetes' diabetes' need for comprehensive health care coverage during a contentious Tea Party-packed town hall meeting at a Trenton truck stop that was recorded and uploaded to YouTube by his Chef of Staff shortly before his diabetes' diabetes disappeared forever into the dank depths of his standing room-only colon!

Etc., etc., etc…

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm

He's the most ingesting man in the world.

Radiodead October 1, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Lighten up Owls. While I appreciate the comida value of this political Pillsbury Doughboy, he's just a endomorph with a "gland" problem.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:15 am

Yeah, a gland that runs the entire length and width of his enormous, obese body.

poncho_pilot October 2, 2011 at 10:09 am

would that be a whale penis?

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Like seriously, I'm on a diet and this is just disgusting.

gurukalehuru October 2, 2011 at 8:59 am

Chris Christie is so fat, when he has a state dinner, he eats a whole state.

JustPixelz October 2, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Mitt Romney is so rich, he makes butter look like margarine.
Michele Bachmann is so crazy, she makes Crazy Eddie look like Sane Eddie.
Herman Cain is so black, he makes the other Repubican candidates look white.
Rick Perry's neck is so red, it makes China look capitalist.
Ron Paul is so curmudgeonly, he makes Rush Limbaugh look hip.
Newt Gingrich is so unfaithful, he makes Tiger Woods look like a Pussy Woods.

tessiee October 3, 2011 at 9:38 pm

"It says 'all you can eat', but not *forever*!" — John Pinette

SaintRond October 1, 2011 at 9:15 am

I have to ask… How fat was he?

DashboardBuddha October 1, 2011 at 9:27 am

He was so fat that all the other fat governors orbited him.

poncho_pilot October 2, 2011 at 10:15 am

but so fat that the Catholic Church used to think he was flat.

weejee October 1, 2011 at 11:23 am

He's so fat he'll collapse the Rethug platform if he tries to run on it.

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 1:38 pm

He's so fat that the citizens of NJ didn't notice and elected him into office.

AlterNewt October 1, 2011 at 8:56 pm

He's so fat that he was the entrepreneur behind:

CHRISTIE'S MOBILE ECLIPSE SERVICE

deelzebub October 1, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Yo Gov'nor so fat his blood type is gravy.

Fawkdifiknow October 1, 2011 at 9:17 am

I don't know if a heart attack is definitely in this guy's near future, but if he got elected I know it's in mine.

PubOption October 1, 2011 at 9:50 am

The teabaggers might like politicians around them who are fat. They can see that Obama has a lean and hungry look (which they attribute to Michelle's organic vegetables), they could be afraid that he thinks too much, and are certain that he is dangerous.

Now I need to work out who will be stabbed in the back, and by whom.

Guppy06 October 1, 2011 at 11:07 am

The Romans stabbed people in the forum only because they didn't have buses to throw people under.

freakishlywrong October 1, 2011 at 10:11 am

Fat Schmat. The guy's a conservative tool. He yells at teachers and attends Koch Konfabs. Fuck this mean ass fucker.

Spurning Beer October 1, 2011 at 10:23 am

I want to know Governor Christie's positions on:
1. Small government
2. Pork-barrel politics
3. Free government cheese

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I'm also curious as to his immigration stance. In regard to illegal aliens, for example, does he favor amnestyoplasty?

starfanglednut October 1, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Nah, just eats 'em.

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 1:41 pm

4. Whether ketchup is a vegetable
5. normalizing relations with Fuddrucker's
6. Girth certificates

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 2:03 pm

7. Food stamps
8. Relations with West Germany

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 9:39 pm

His position is that everyone of those things is on the table. The tastefully draped, well-lit table dinner table.

widget2011 October 1, 2011 at 11:02 am

Instead of piling on with that fat jokes, I've decided that the Republican party seems desperate at this point in time, and I'll articulate why, bad cadidate by horrible candadate.

1.) Mitt Romney is by far THE most electable of these candidates, however, he's not mean enough, and big money and the Republican establishment are not behind him, besides, he's a Morman.
2.) John Huntsman is not the sharpest knife in the kitchen. John Huntsman will not kiss Grover Norquist's ass, right on the puckey hole, in addition, by not kissing GN's ass, he has been veto'ed by the tabaggers and the Republican establishment.
3.) Ron Paul, although loved by the teabaggers, is a nut. Ron Paul wants to abolish the Federal Reserve and replace it with what, the gold standard? I think this translates to I'll give you 2021 chickens for a cow, or I'll give you 2 dozen eggs for a gallon of milk. Try trading to any other country in the world with that currency!

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 1:43 pm

he's a Morman

Are you saying that Romney has a giant fish tail and lives in the sea?

widget2011 October 2, 2011 at 7:56 am

yes, and yes he's a gorgan!

widget2011 October 1, 2011 at 11:11 am

4.) Rick Perry, although loved by teatard and the Republican establishment, is dumber than GWB, and also dumber than a box of rocks. I knew he was stupid before the Republican debates, after those debates, he's even dumber than I thought. Rick is also corrupt, an unlikable asshole, and by all reasonable accounts, a serial womanizer.
5.) Michelle Bachmann is a nobody, although she runs a clinic to cure teh gheys, shes is completely ineffective at curing her own "husband". She is loved by the teabaggers because they both do not have a firm grip on reality. Michelle has about 0.00000% chance of becoming the Republican candidate for President.

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:30 pm

6.) widget2011 is an idiot.

widget2011 October 2, 2011 at 7:57 am

I'll take that as a compliment.

subsum October 1, 2011 at 11:20 am

I don't think he's too fat for the Teabaggers. If anything, his problem is that he's from Joyzee.

JustPixelz October 2, 2011 at 12:45 pm

From Joyzee and said TP'ers are crazy after they complained he appointed a musln to Joyzee's Supreme Court, which is like a regular state's traffic court.

widget2011 October 1, 2011 at 11:23 am

6.) Newt Gingrich is also a serial womanizer (BTW, I wonder who Newt is fucking now, for America, of course). Newt Gingrich is a has been, or a never was, remember his "Contract on America", that worked out pretty well, if you were rich.
7.) Herman Cain is a delusional fool (or tool, if you prefer). Although Herman is a darling of the Teabaggers, they would beat the crap out of him if he was in the back of the audience, wearing baggie pants and dreadlocks. Herman Cain should have his taylor put an enormous "T" on the front of all of his suits (indicating Uncle Tom, or Token).

Well if I missed any of them, just consider them "also rans").

mumbly_joe October 1, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Herman Cain is an interesting fellow. He's like a character from The Boondocks, come to life. Namely, this one.

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Fucking Santorum you brainless fuck.

widget2011 October 2, 2011 at 8:01 am

Wow, do I really HAVE to itererate why he is an also ran, I think anyone taking that clown seriously has a bigger problem than me missing him. With a name like Santorum, it had better be good! Have a peen-n-butt-aarrgghh / Santorum sammich at Christies'.

Sharkey October 2, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Yes. Yes you do. Because that was the whole point of your stupid fucking rant.

fuflans October 1, 2011 at 10:12 pm

v v well done.

weejee October 1, 2011 at 11:26 am
not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Hubba hubba!

BklynIlluminati October 1, 2011 at 11:29 am

You know he probably should have gotten lap band surgery ions ago he has the money for it and his heart would throw a party, but he kinda strikes me that once he loses too much he would look weird like Al Roker did. Then you got to go and hurt his feelings again and say "Nah bro you look better fat have a milkshake."

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:34 am

Not too bad.

SaintRond October 1, 2011 at 11:38 am

Once again, Americans appear ready to vote against their own economic interests. I mean, I ask you, how can a fellow who was born with a silver shovel in his mouth empathize with the little guy?

edconley7 October 1, 2011 at 12:03 pm

If the daily show doesn't do Cristi a Jaba The Hut then John Stewart should be smaked for losing his funny!

ProudLibunatic October 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Snark off/
I don't give a rat's ass about his weight, he just seems like a school yard bully (thanks, Lizzie). Is there a reason he hasn't had a gastric-bypass operation to make this a non-issue?

Limeylizzie October 1, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Exactly, he does seem as if he is just a nasty piece of work, I don't even find his fatness unattractive and I think he would be a very handsome man if he lost a lot of weight, but the personality is just vile.

finallyhappy October 1, 2011 at 3:49 pm

gastric bypass/ lapband surgery do not allow you to eat as you did before- and eating as you did before can kill you.

tessiee October 3, 2011 at 9:46 pm

It's got a lot of risks associated with it even if you eat according to your doctor's orders.

Rotundo_ October 1, 2011 at 1:40 pm

The one thing in the litany of fat jokes that has been missed is the cost of adding a second plane to the security contingent. When traveling all of the bodily excretions of the president travel with him so that the various intelligence services of other countries cannot analyze them There is, yes indeedy do, a porta biffy that goes with the president on his travels and should we elect Governor Christie to this post, we're going to have to buy a KC135 tanker to cart the presidential effluent around. Air Force Number 2.

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Poopyhead One?

NYNYNYjr October 1, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Yo Riley- where in the park are you? I want you to sign my occupation newspaper.

x111e7thst October 1, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Fat sack of shit is fat.

samsuncle October 1, 2011 at 4:00 pm

You can talk smack about Christie all you want but I think he would make a whale of a president.

fitley October 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I'll bet he sweats when he swims.

bflrtsplk October 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm

He's already swimming when he sweats.

voodooeconomics October 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Mr President Jabba gets a call at 3 am but they have to go to the kitchen to tell him Putin bench pressed 300lbs just a minute ago. What we do now?

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 7:06 pm

We laugh and put out a statement saying that Pres. Christie presses twice that whenever he raises his head to look upward.

Or we say that his daily poop weighs more than that.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 1, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Andy Breitbart Calls Janeane Garofalo "Hollywood's Sympathy F***"

Poor Andy. Sounds like he isn't gettin' any.
~

Rotundo_ October 1, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Geez, if Janeane is "Hollywood's Sympathy Fuck" what does that make Andy? "Hollywood's Anal Warts"? "Hollywood's Chlamydia"? Bitter little fuck isn't he? He sounded kind of sober for this one, not the usual slurring. One of his rare non-pissed up performances. The hair and beard still had the same woke up 2 minutes before appearing look though.

mumbly_joe October 2, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Hollywood's obviously closeted, racist, alcoholic cousin that nobody really likes to talk about or invite to parties?

I mean, it's not much of a metaphor, really.

tessiee October 3, 2011 at 9:50 pm

"The hair and beard still had the same woke up 2 minutes before appearing look though"

Vince Vaughan always looks like that, too.

4TheTurnstiles October 1, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Golly, I'd gladly and enthusiastically have sexual intercourse with Janeane Garofalo. Breitbart can watch but no cameras and no touchie.

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 9:57 pm

If she's Hollywood's Sympathy Fuck, what the hell does that make him? Hollywood's Sexual Pariah? Oh, right; nobody. Andy, guess what? Janeane doesn't even know who you are. How does that feel?

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:40 am

Would you even toss a mercy fuck at that fat pile of shit?

Rotundo_ October 2, 2011 at 11:08 am

I wouldn't even toss a fat pile of shit at that fuck. Andy's a troubled little fella. Lots of bile stored up and lots of frustration and the only way he seems to let off steam is by boozing it up. A conservative Christopher Hitchins only stupid. In Hitchens case it was a shame to see someone well spoken drink themselves to an early death, in Andy's case it seems appropriate and even occasionally entertaining.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Well said, my friend, well said indeed.

WordSaladNation October 1, 2011 at 5:10 pm

From the New York Times right now:

"Christie Team Assessing How Fast a 2012 Campaign Could Be Mounted"

I don't know about you, but I don't want to picture Chris Christie mounting ANYTHING.

BlueStateLibel October 1, 2011 at 5:25 pm

OT, but Occupy Wall Street just shut down the Brooklyn Bridge: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/wall_

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Chris Christie is so fat, he reminds me of Meghan McCain.

SudsMcKenzie October 1, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Air Force One would have to be a C130.

Sorry, been sitting on that one for a while.

Sharkey October 1, 2011 at 7:08 pm
user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 10:27 pm

From the comments:

"Because the Scotcheroos use corn syrup, sweetened chocolate, sweetened butterscotch, and sweetened peanutbutter, I tried cutting the sugar to 1/2 cup."

Honest to fucking god.

Sharkey October 2, 2011 at 5:21 pm

As long as the crack cocaine is still 100% pure…

spends2much October 1, 2011 at 7:42 pm

If the Right's favourite endomorph were president, he'd have the red phone rewired to connect to Pizza Hut. Oh, and he's a tool.

comrad_darkness October 1, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Christie better not visit Iceland or Japan where whale hunting is still legal.

iburl October 1, 2011 at 8:38 pm

I think the brilliant schemers at the top of the GOP are confusing Gravity with Gravitas.

If Chris Christie landed on the moon, I think women's periods would be longer.

HistoriCat October 1, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Christie wouldn't last five minutes past the rebroadcast of his "I'm tired of the Sharia crap" answer. The teatards who hate Perry's "have a heart" instate tuition won't support anyone who doesn't think Sharia law is the greatest threat to Life As We Know It.

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Sharia law is the greatest threat to Life As We Know It.

Of course that's not true. Everyone knows that the greatest threat to Life As We Know It is eating vegetables.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:44 am

Call any vegetable, call it by name …

poncho_pilot October 2, 2011 at 10:00 am

"brown shoes don't make it."

brown gravy on the other hand…

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Makes itself, if it's Christie-gravy, yum!

Negropolis October 1, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Lookie what we got, here, my friends; we've got us a real protest on our hands, now…

Wall Street protesters shut Brooklyn Bridge

Hundreds of anti-Wall Street protesters forced the temporary closure of the Brooklyn Bridge when they marched into traffic, prompting dozens of arrests, New York police and demonstrators said.

Anti-Wall Street activists first occupied a small park in lower Manhattan two weeks ago to protest corporate bailouts and corporate influence in politics.

…In Boston on Saturday, twenty-four protesters were arrested and charged with trespassing as a vast crowd marched outside Bank of America offices.

Right to the City, the coalition of advocacy groups that organized the demonstration, said the event was held to protest corporate greed and to stop bank foreclosures.

According to organizers, some 3,000 people marched outside the bank.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:46 am

It's gotten bigger. Marches in LA, Chicago, DC, Denver, tonight. Marches planned for Seattle, FL (various cities), Asheville (?), Tacoma, much of Colorado, San Francisco, and an #OccupyFrance movement starting up. It might just go global.

schvitzatura October 2, 2011 at 8:03 am

If Jonah Hill can drop a metric ton, so can Christie…No more Ring Dings for a while, guvnah!

dopper0189 October 2, 2011 at 9:32 am

Herman Cain has sealed a secret VP deal with him for 8 slices of pepperoni pizza a day. He was quoted as saying "He's fat? I show you fat?"

dopper0189 October 2, 2011 at 9:37 am

The GOP thought they would capture the youth vote by nominating someone phat? But their spell check went wrong!

DahBoner October 2, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Sure he looks fat, but he don't talk fat.

He talks like a tough, muscular guy who punches meat carcasses in a freezer….

tessiee October 3, 2011 at 9:53 pm

"He talks like a tough, muscular guy who punches meat carcasses in a freezer…."

Are you suggesting that he…
beats the meat?

Warpde October 2, 2011 at 7:17 pm

"Is Monstrously Obese Chris Christie Even Too Fat For Republican Voters?"

Well now, if they hide that moon orbiting around his midsection he may have a chance.

Tundra Grifter October 2, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Is that why Off-the-Mark Levin calls him "Christie Kreme?"

AJWjr. October 2, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Over 50 hours and nearly 400 comments and nobody has brought up Mr. Creosote?
Or Weird Al Yankovic?

Troglodeity October 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm

ChrisHuckIn: A Palin inside a Huckabee inside a Christie.

WeHaveIssues October 3, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Hey, hey, hey – we coined him the "Snookie Candidate" first! Although, "he's just too fucking fat" works too.

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 12:57 am

Mahalia was appalled; he met a woman at the well.

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 2:22 am

Well I heard that Georgia's new statutory xenophobia led to its crops rotting in the field, which cast a pall over the Vidalias.

DashboardBuddha October 1, 2011 at 9:31 am

a fat pre-adolescent girl.

Fare la Volpe October 1, 2011 at 10:24 am

But cunts are useful and grand. Christie is neither.

Rotundo_ October 1, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I am leaning toward ambulatory manure lagoon, or Dirigible American myself, but that works pretty well too.

AJWjr. October 1, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Gunt.

tessiee October 1, 2011 at 1:35 pm

"Parade float"?

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:11 am

Ambulatory Manure Lagoon has a nice ring to it, though.

not that Dewey October 1, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Well, I heard that Xenu left them all over Vesuvius.

user-of-owls October 1, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Well, someone told me that because of endemic corruption, the unofficial slogan of the police in Mauritius is, "See no evil."

Radiodead October 1, 2011 at 6:46 pm

That's Three hundred, as in Three hundred pounds is my weight loss goal.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 12:28 am

Oh, user! "Chid" is legitimate. Besides, you can't scol ntDewey no more, I R taking up arms in his defense.

not that Dewey October 2, 2011 at 9:37 am

Well, there's chatter on the interwebs that during the Brooklyn Bridge disruption, Robbie Knievel was spotted reading Marshall McLuhan.

PalinzADummy October 2, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Oh god, please don't ever mention "penis" in the same general vicinity as Chrispy, because I never want to think of what his wife has to go through trying to find that thang amid those plentiful rolls. Hork!

AJWjr. October 2, 2011 at 4:06 pm

And why not? What's not to like about a man who wrote "I don't necessarily agree with everything I say"

not that Dewey October 2, 2011 at 5:42 pm

…..
…..

Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here.

user-of-owls October 2, 2011 at 8:41 pm

…..
….. ??

It doesn't make things any less filthy just because you tell your dirty jokes in Morse code.

flamingpdog October 2, 2011 at 10:33 pm

That's why Sarah Palin is so unintelligible – all this time she's been speaking in Moose code!

not that Dewey October 2, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Poopyhaeg.

not that Dewey October 2, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I always thought her voice was what Braille would sound like if you ran a record player needle over it.

poncho_pilot October 3, 2011 at 12:06 am

probably involves a jack stand.

PalinzADummy October 3, 2011 at 1:09 am

Reinforced titanium.

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