Is Monstrously Obese Chris Christie Even Too Fat For Republican Voters?

  big issues

Jabba the Hutt wants his shirt back.Republicans are a large bunch, if you get what we mean. When Teabaggers sit around the house, they literally sit around the 3,800-square-foot foreclosed tract house, in Florida. The latest advances in physics are repeatedly tested by the makers of Hoverounds and Rascals, as the wee scooters are expected to carry ever heavier loads. So there hasn’t been a lot of political speculation regarding the Jabba the Hutt-esque physique of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. After all, if two-thirds of Americans are already overweight or obese, then it would seem Christie has a huge built-in constituency. But in an effort to avoid writing about the Wall Street protests now spreading across the nation like a Sam’s Club 12-pack of Velveeta on a Family Size sack of Tostitos in the microwave, the nation’s pundits finally had to “go there” and write about how Chris Christie is too fucking fat to be president, because he’s about to fall over and die, due to fatness.

In the days before the insane specualtion about Christie’s presidential aspirations somehow became “Top News” for a week, we could all sit back and laugh when, say, Christie bought a gigantic new helicopter with taxpayer money to carry him from his King Kong-sized bed to his kids’ school ball game a few yards away from his mansion. But now, this is a National Security Matter, apparently.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

Straight-talking New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a portly guy — and has spoken publicly in the past about his struggles with the scale. Now that he might be a contender for Republican nominee for president, other people are speaking publicly about his weight, too, and what impact it might have on his electability next November.

Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson wrote that the governor needed to lose weight for his (and the country’s) health. Others complained that an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character.

 
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Michael Kinsley kind of skipped all the bullshit and went straight to the point:

Look, I’m sorry, but New Jersey Governor Chris Christie cannot be president: He is just too fat.

Congratulations, national media, for finding a way to “fill the space” this week! Good job all around!

[Bloomberg/LAT]

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402 comments

        1. tessiee

          Semantic nitpick: There may be cakes that Christie doesn't *like*, but will eat anyway, but there aren't any cakes that Christie *refuses to eat* — and that includes urinal cakes.

        1. Negropolis

          You know, I I have no fucking idea. lol Obviously, I read something into your post that wasn't there. I'm not getting the joke. I have no idea what reference you're making to "two packs of cigs 'apeace'".

      1. PalinzADummy

        True. I mean, that it's my favourite too, not that it's yours. You know, because I wouldn't know if that was true, or … wut?

    1. littlebigdaddy

      I knew John Candy slightly. He was a real gourmand, unlike most fatties today who get that way eating Popeyes or whatever. He was also honestly funny and kind.

    1. tessiee

      "Instead of Iraq, we’d invade IHOP"

      *thinks*
      OK, so…
      It would be cheaper…
      It would be easier…
      It would be more fun…
      We could all sit in a booth, except Chris Christie, who would have to stay in the Escalade, because he's too fat to fit in a booth, and also because everybody hates him.
      Instead of horrible injuries and post-traumatic stress, the worst that could happen is a little agida…
      Oh, yeah, and four kinds of syrup.

      I see no downside to Barb's plan.

    2. Walkinwiddaking

      After he orders and eats every item on the breakfast menu his underlings can erect a banner that will finally ring true. Mission Accomplished.

  1. Sharkey

    Wow. TWO Friday night posts. Good Job Wonkette!

    Seriously though, I think Jr. used up every single fat joke in the book in 3 or 4 paragraphs. I am humbled.

        1. V572 Moon!

          Of course we do. It's done with love. If we called Christie "Fatso" it would be similar. Maybe.

          1. Rotundo_

            I am leaning toward ambulatory manure lagoon, or Dirigible American myself, but that works pretty well too.

      1. Pres.Libunatic

        OK, whatever. I guess if I call him Hopey I'm a double asshole, eh? And if I draw pictures of Hopey Barry on a rainbow unicorn I'm the modern-day equivalent of Hitler.

    1. crybabyboehner

      The Fatso Strategy didn't work out too well for Corzine. Then again he was a Goldman Sachs vampire squid. Also bald. Come to think of it, have we ever had a bald president? Bad news for Rick Scott …

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Most of the founding fathers were bald; they just wore fabulous wigs.

        The moral of the story is that America is ready for its first Drag Queen President.

      2. tessiee

        "Come to think of it, have we ever had a bald president? Bad news for Rick Scott …"

        But good news for Dwight D. Eisenhower, whose record remains unchallenged.

      3. BerkeleyBear

        Ike was a billiard ball. Ford was pretty much bald by the time of his appointment. Lots of balding/ "prominent foreheads" in the teens/twenties (Coolidge, Harding, Wilson were all thinning, I'm pretty sure, and James Garfield had basically lost the battle of the bald). Washington, Adams, Monroe and Madison all wore wigs at times, but I don't know if they were all bald (Adams was Giuliani esque) or shaved for the body lice free/wig friendly look.

      4. PalinzADummy

        Jezus Christ, could you please NOT use the word "president" in the same sentence as "asshole blood-drinking baby-eating skullfaced ambulatory turd"?

    2. Negropolis

      Can you choose your battles more carefully and reserve your sympathy for someone who isn't such an insufferable asshole? Chris Christie is morbidly obese, period; it is but one of his defining characteristics. He didn't have his legs shot off in the war, nor was he born with a disability (that we know of).

      Jeeze, "Lean Britney ALONE!", indeed.

    3. dopper0189

      Wow someone slightly offended by snark at Wonkette? I bet you didn't expect to find snark here, and Gov Fatso thought a diet coke with his happy meals would keep off the pounds.

  2. DaRooster

    "He is just too fat."

    Upon hearing this Christie replied, "Arby's Bitches… we're goin' to Arby's! Get my chopper!"

  3. GuanoFaucet

    I don't know, this country has elected several giant assholes President before, so maybe Christie has a shot.

    1. Negropolis

      You know, giant assholes were so much more klassy when they had monocles and gem-studded walking canes. I could listen to FDR cuss me out in his upper-crust, Mid-Atlantic English accent all day long.

          1. PalinzADummy

            It's a good thing I'm an atheist and don't believe in hell because I LOL'd … oh, wait, I forgot to whom I was speaking.

  4. rocktonsam

    he is so fat , he can't fit on a hoverhound.

    teabaggers won't like that

    however,

    large man John Goodman was POTUS on West Wing, Teevee knows best.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      But only when the better looking guy with MS stepped down because his daughter got kidnapped and his VP had quit in disgrace. And he only had the job for what, 2 weeks? All that happens, then maybe I'd be okay with President Lardass on a temporary basis. Maybe.

      And I say this as a "big boned" American.

    1. a_pink_poodle

      I dunno if we can have a fatter Taft. And his handling of the Ballinger Affair wasn't so hot either.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Taft was 1/2 an inch taller and under 300 lbs when he got named TR's successor He topped out at 340 as President (TRs biographer says that was a gain of 50+, largely due to depression) then was back to 270 when he got put on the Supreme Court and back to 244 (his college weight) later.

      I'm just guessing here, but I suspect the last time Christie saw the right side of 300 was around junior prom. So much, much fatter (and it isn't like the office takes weight off most people).

      1. PalinzADummy

        CrispyCritter clocked in at 320 lb recently, but he definitely looks like he's gained weight since election.

    3. Negropolis

      First thought that came to my mind was Taft, and that Taft was taller, and carried his weight far better than Christie does.

      I really do think his weight is a legitimate question given that Christie isn't just overweight, or obese, but visibly morbidly obese.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Anybody gettin' on a raft with Taft better have a life preserver and some GOOD swimming skills.

    4. mumbly_joe

      Here's a fun fact: Taft is the only person who's served both as President and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He's also the only President to get stuck in the Presidential Bathtub. Only one of these facts is common knowledge.

      1. tessiee

        "He's also the only President to get stuck in the Presidential Bathtub"

        I once got stuck in a bathtub.
        OK, not exactly a bathtub, really, it was more like the shower at my house…
        Also, I wasn't the only person *in* the shower at the time…
        And now that I think of it, it was more than just the once…

      2. Negropolis

        And, I heard that he walked to the court, everyday. Can you even imagine anyone being able (or wanting) to do that in today's America?

        1. mumbly_joe

          Hypothetical Chief Justice Christie (cringe) would take a helicopter from his home to Capitol Hill, and then have a driver take him the rest of the way to court.

  5. hilbillyheroine

    You are completely OVER estimating Florida teabaggers. Having lived in Florida for 9 years, until 2 years ago, most of the illiterate teabaggers live in 1,000 sq. foot, rusted trailers.

  6. UW8316154

    Oh for cripes sake, make up your mind, media people. Which is more awful: a thin, fit president who can play ball, but smokes? or a fat guy? Have we descended to *this* level of bullshit to determine who the prezdint is?

    1. LetUsBray

      It's shameful that they haven't asked the question that really matters: Which one would you rather have a beer with?

    2. V572 Moon!

      What do you want the media to talk about — the class warfare that the Riches have already won? Our government illegally murdering people all over the world with drones? Ten percent unemployment everywhere except the place where they can do something about it (DC)? Admitted liars in Congress accepting bribes in the form of "campaign contributions"? How the number of people without health insurance is not coincidentally the same as the number of people in poverty?

      BORING!

  7. Come here a minute

    When even Letterman is apologizing for going too far with the fat jokes, you know the guy is REALLY REALLY FAT!

      1. user-of-owls

        Rape. Mouth. Christie.

        You know Dew, even here on fucking Wonkette, there are lines you just don't cross.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Oh, user! "Chid" is legitimate. Besides, you can't scol ntDewey no more, I R taking up arms in his defense.

        1. not that Dewey

          Just for the record, I didn't say anything worse than what Sara K Smith had said, only I included Christie, which, upon further reflection, is much, much worse. As you were saying…

      2. Come here a minute

        There was a segment where he sat at the desk and seriously addressed the camera about bullying kids for being fat, and saying he is ashamed if he in any way contributes to that, because bullying is a serious issue..

        But he also did the thing where the writer tries to tell non-fat Christie jokes, like "Christie is so dumb, when he wears yellow, people yell ‘taxi!'"

        1. not that Dewey

          "His blood type is alfredo". je je. I found that bit and the top ten from earlier in the week, but I didn't see the earnest bit. Letterman typically manages to survive these "scandals" through some combination of saying the right thing and mercilessly skewering whoever it was complained about it.

    1. Negropolis

      I guess you missed the rest of last night's show. He apologized by –get this — getting a writer to come out to make more fat jokes. It was truly hilarious.

  8. fuflans

    well i don't know about any of this, but the national ledger insists the national enquirer is reporting todd is fed up with sarah and divorce is rumored.

    these people are less fat, all things considered.

      1. __kth__

        someone should do a version with all the words misspelled, like the Palins would. 'd-e-v-o-r-s-e', 'c-u-s-t-i-d-y'

    1. PalinzADummy

      It sure took him long enough! Given her nasty temper, her pathological lying, her predisposition to violence, and her total lack of care for her family (including those reports of her throwing things at Toad), and, if rumour is to be believed, the fact that she was doing his business partner, it's about time he dumped her ass.

  9. hilbillyheroine

    And Christie will bankrupt Obamacare with angioplasty, insulin, and heart caths. He won't serve half the term of half-term Palin, before he drops dead of a massive coronary. Vote for the VP.

    1. PalinzADummy

      He's diabeetus waiting to happen. Also, he has asthma, and was recently schlepped to the hospital. Does that sound like a man who can run a grueling campaign for over a year?

  10. Chichikovovich

    C'mon now. Christie is no heavier than William Howard Taft was, and I expect Christie could be every bit as substandard and unpopular as President.

    1. Negropolis

      Christie makes Taft look damn-near svelte. Plus, Taft was known for being a mean, angry bitch. Perhaps, people would have more sympathy for the guy if his entire claim to fame is potraying himself as some borderline, mean-as-a-snake thug.

    1. Rotundo_

      No. We don't have a serious political system (it is a division of our banking and investment sector) so the candidates are as serious as the system. We are hopelessly screwed. Laugh about it, crying will only stuff up your nose.

    2. friendlyskies

      Why do you think the smart kids are protesting Wall Street, rather than wasting their time in DC?

  11. OC_Surf_Serf

    c'mon…so he is large…but that's not his real problem: it is when he lashed out at a constituent for asking him why he sends his kids to private school that he showed the world he has not the temperament or maturity to be President….

    1. PalinzADummy

      No, if he was "large," most people would turn a blind eye. Chris Christie is not "large." He is clinically, terminally, OBESE. He is what your doctor points to when s/he's trying to get you to exercise to lower your blood sugar and cholesterol. This guy is so fat, he has more chins than the Singapore phone book. That's not "large." Large people like myself get offended by being lumped in with the likes of this grotesquely fat, out-of-shape slob. Shit, I've only got one good leg, but I bet I can walk further even on a bad day than that ambulatory lardball.

          1. user-of-owls

            Well I heard that Georgia's new statutory xenophobia led to its crops rotting in the field, which cast a pall over the Vidalias.

          2. user-of-owls

            Well, someone told me that because of endemic corruption, the unofficial slogan of the police in Mauritius is, "See no evil."

          3. not that Dewey

            Well, there's chatter on the interwebs that during the Brooklyn Bridge disruption, Robbie Knievel was spotted reading Marshall McLuhan.

          4. AJWjr.

            And why not? What's not to like about a man who wrote "I don't necessarily agree with everything I say"

          5. user-of-owls

            …..
            ….. ??

            It doesn't make things any less filthy just because you tell your dirty jokes in Morse code.

          6. flamingpdog

            That's why Sarah Palin is so unintelligible – all this time she's been speaking in Moose code!

          7. not that Dewey

            I always thought her voice was what Braille would sound like if you ran a record player needle over it.

  12. NorthStarSpanx

    He may be fat. He may be an asshole. But by god, the guy has told the world time and again unequivocally and without nuance, that he does not have a fire in that enormous belly and he does not want the White House at this time.

    At least he knows his limitations, and I'm speaking physically as well as a first term "Chief Executive."

    1. SayItWithWookies

      The advantage of being a governor is that no matter what a jackass you are, you have to balance your budget every so often (depending on the state constitution) and that you can always beg the Federal government for more money regardless of your own professed philosophy on Fed spending. When you're president, you can't beg the next guy up for money to fix your problems.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Meh, it's really more like one of the disadvantages of being a governor is that you have to balance your budget, so when the economy goes to shit and your state revenue drops off a cliff because nobody has a job or a home and nobody's buying anything, your only recourse is a combination of raising taxes, cutting public benefits, and laying off state workers, none of which actually help move the economy in a positive direction.

        This is actually one of the very very fundamental reasons we need a federal government, which can run deficits when it needs to, to give the economy a kick-start and/or to ameliorate the pressure on the states, and also why any sort of "balanced budget amendment' that barred the federal government from deficit-spending would be downright catastrophic.

    2. PalinzADummy

      He's just indicated that he might throw his twenty-gallon hat into the ring after all. The teabaggers will hate him after six weeks, or less. He had the gall to nominate a Muslim to a NJ court, and to insist that the paranoia about Muslims was bullshit. AND he has a LOT of positions that are not shared by the baggers.

        1. PalinzADummy

          There's that, all right. Because at this point, it looks like the teabaggers will have to choose between the Nears, unless Christie waddles in.

  13. Chichikovovich

    "…an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character."

    It's defeatist to make your body smaller. Real Americans make their house, clothes, bathtub and helecopter *bigger*.

  14. hilbillyheroine

    Sarah-tard has lost a ton of weight these last few months. So if she mates with Christie, it could be the Binge/Purge 2012 ticket. Right?

    1. AJWjr.

      Normally I don't give a shit what either of these 'tards do, but I fear Christie would eat her, for nourishment.

  15. user-of-owls

    an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character.

    Whenever me and the wife go to Walmart, I'm always telling her, "Geez, look at all these failed characters."

    1. Beowoof

      As they ride their mart carts around loaded with french fries, sausage, chips, dip etc. You know all the tea bagger food groups.

      1. HistoriCat

        I'm pretty sure that if you live in Arkansas, you're required by state law to go to Walmart.

        1. user-of-owls

          Yes Lizzie, but no, Cat.

          There's no legal mandate saying you can only shop there; you're free to choose from among any alternative options you can find.

          Just like you are free to eschew gravity and instead opt to follow any other law of physics that you can find .

          1. PalinzADummy

            It's clear that we need to organize airlifts of food and other human-type goods to the Owls. What a horrible fate, to live in Arkansas!

    2. V572 Moon!

      Always remember that your lifespan is the outcome of a negotiation between your taste buds and your coronary arteries.

  16. deelzebub

    Like Chris Christopher Christofferson Christie, I too battle the scale. The only difference is, that I freaked out when the scale read 125, threw out my junk food, and got my ass on a treadmill.

    1. Negropolis

      How tall are you that 125 lbs would 'cause you to freak out? lol One of Chris Christie's legs weight more than you.

        1. Negropolis

          Let me be real, again. Chris Christie probably has more cellulite in his fingers than you do in your entire lower body.

    2. mourningnmerica

      When Chris Christie looked at the scale and saw 125 lbs, he just shrugged and went back out to recess.

    3. Gunner Asch

      Holy smokes. I got down to 133 when I had dysentery and you could play the xylophone on my ribcage. Are you a cast member of Fern Gully?

      1. deelzebub

        No, just a very small girl accustomed to weighing between 115 and 120, eating whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Stupid aging, stupid metabolism slowing down…(wanders off in the direction of her workout torture devices muttering sullenly)

  17. user-of-owls

    His blubber is a red herring.

    The real issue is whether America is ready for a president from New Jersey.

          1. user-of-owls

            Using that standard, we could count Clinton cuz had a 'stash.' He never inhaled its smoke, of course, but he had it nonetheless.

  18. __kth__

    A thin or even trim Chris Christie makes about as much sense as a skinny Suge Knight. "Shut the fuck up" or "Suck my dick" or whatever Christie's tagline is, kinda presupposes a rotund speaker.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    And yet nobody has come out and said that one of the Republican candidates isn't viable because he/she is too dumb. But then again, they've got the preponderance of evidence on their side.

    1. tessiee

      They don't have a concept of "too dumb". Since they aggressively value stupidity and ignorance, calling someone "too dumb" would be like calling them "too rich" or "too sociopathic".

  20. poncho_pilot

    good ol' Baron Porkonnen. one time his stomachs growled every Maker on Arrakis to the Grand Palace of Arrakeen. thanks heavens for the Shield Wall!

      1. poncho_pilot

        um…i'm not sure i want to watch it to find out. the David Lynch movie–i only appreciate it for its cheesy take on the book and the cast. and it's David Lynch who i'm a fan of.

  21. imissopus

    My fellow Americans, my first act as President will be to bulldoze that health-food harpy Michelle Obama's organic garden and put a mall food court on the South Lawn…

  22. DashboardBuddha

    FYI, ya'll. I'm as fat or fatter than CC (but it seems that poundage is dropping now that I've quit a particular evil anti-depressant). I'm sure a fat dude can run the country…I just don't think THIS fat dude can run the country. To Mr. Kinsley I would say this. Suck my fat cock…you don't know what you're talking about.

    1. Barrelhse

      DB- who ever heard of a SKINNY Buddha? You'll have to change your avatar to Dashboard Marie Osmond if you're not careful!

    2. Rotundo_

      I am in the same boat DB, but this one just begs for slamming. As for Kinsley, like most of his observations, he is pulling this one out of his ass.

    3. ProudLibunatic

      Hmmm..I also lost weight when I could dial down the anti-depressant, but it was nothing compared to Mr. Fatale. (In fact, a friend compared him to a Buddha once. He had gastric-bypass and felt a "full sensation" for the first time in his life! )

      The fat thing is conveniently obscuring the real issue. Christie is too liberal for the foaming-at-the-mouth right wingers, and waaay too crude for everyone else, (unless you're a Repub from Jersey).

    4. PalinzADummy

      It's not JUST the fat. It's the fact that he's an asthmatic who can't walk between his helipad and his kid's game.

  23. ttommyunger

    This classless turd is as "portly" as my hair is "receding". He is morbidly obese, sports fans, nothing less.

  24. AlterNewt

    "Okay, Bob.. I think..yes…here's the Vice President's limousine…and there's President Christie in Rascal One…."

  25. GeorgiaBurning

    Inauguration Day: 43 guys have been sworn in on a Bible, Christie could be the first to place his left hand on a take-out pizza.

  26. mavenmaven

    But he's all over the map with regards to foreign policy! Get it? All over the map, being fat? Hahaha! Thank you, thank you, you've been a great audience, try the chicken alfredo…

  27. MiniMencken

    Chris Christie, he so fat, when he hang around the White House, he hang around the entire White House!

  28. JackDempsey1

    It's odd.
    He's all the way to "obese, " and yet he never seemed to pass through a "jolly" phase.

  29. Goonemeritus

    Personally I look forward to watching him sweat barbeque sauce during the presidential debates.

        1. tessiee

          ^^
          ^
          You guys, you're making me homesick.
          I can get decent gravy (a/k/a marinara) if I make it myself, but I haven't had really good pizza since I moved away from NJ.

  30. wrksuxcreatbeer

    Yo mama's too fat. I is glad to see we is tawking bout de fat people. It sho do take evah boddy's mind off the you know who people. Lawzy.

  31. XOhioan

    His upper arm is the size of a Virginia ham. And that's not right, because it would make Lindsey Graham get all hungry.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Chris Chrispy only wears a cock ring so he'll have something to grab on to when he pulls that thang out.

  32. mourningnmerica

    When asked if he would run, Christie relied: "Bhdah, bhdah, bhdah, that's all, folks!!!"

  33. Limeylizzie

    I couldn't care less if he is fat, I have had a couple of fat phases-not 300lbs fat but definitely "chubby", I do care that he seems like a bully.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Darling, "chubby" on a pretty girl with Double-H boobies is a hella lot more charming than on some cantankerous slob with … oh, wait, Christie HAS double-h boobies.

      Never mind, I still think you're WAY prettier than he could ever hope to be.

  34. stew1

    Think of his poor wife who has to climb Mt. Christie every few months (that's how often Republicans have sex, by the way).

    1. tessiee

      Plus, she'll have to be on top — partly because he's so fat, but mainly because Repubs can only fuck up.

  35. Extemporanus

    I must say that I'm rather disappointed in this thread's worrisome dearth of Chris Christie fat jokes. I didn't catch Letterman the other night, but I can't imagine that he told all of them.

    (Or did he?!)

    Irregardlessly…

    - Chris Christie so fat, his first name ordered seconds!

    - Chris Christie so fat, New Jersey's new nickname is "The Olive Garden State"!

    - Chris Christie so fat, former New York governor David Patterson can see him!

    - Chris Christie so fat, MTV's shooting the next season of Jersey Shore on his toilet seat!

    - Chris Christie so fat, his attendance at a Nets game literally moved the team to Brooklyn!

    - Chris Christie so fat, he fisted "Big Pussy" to death…with his pinky finger!

    - Chris Christie so fat, his arteries are the "Jersey Turnpike" of the circulatory world: clogged, shoe-strewn, and operating under a heavy toll!

    - Chris Christie so fat, the last time he was in Atlantic City, Donald Trump bought him and declared bankruptcy!

    - Chris Christie so fat, he often finds himself notably winded after essaying moderate amounts of physical exertion (e.g. masturbation; defecation; mastication)!

    - Chris Christie so phat, he straight-up devoured the entire Sugarhill Gang during the "Kaopectate portion" of their private live performance of "Rapper's Delight" and gave his diabetes diabetes and dismissed his diabetes' diabetes' need for comprehensive health care coverage during a contentious Tea Party-packed town hall meeting at a Trenton truck stop that was recorded and uploaded to YouTube by his Chef of Staff shortly before his diabetes' diabetes disappeared forever into the dank depths of his standing room-only colon!

    Etc., etc., etc…

      1. Radiodead

        Lighten up Owls. While I appreciate the comida value of this political Pillsbury Doughboy, he's just a endomorph with a "gland" problem.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Oh god, please don't ever mention "penis" in the same general vicinity as Chrispy, because I never want to think of what his wife has to go through trying to find that thang amid those plentiful rolls. Hork!

    1. JustPixelz

      Mitt Romney is so rich, he makes butter look like margarine.
      Michele Bachmann is so crazy, she makes Crazy Eddie look like Sane Eddie.
      Herman Cain is so black, he makes the other Repubican candidates look white.
      Rick Perry's neck is so red, it makes China look capitalist.
      Ron Paul is so curmudgeonly, he makes Rush Limbaugh look hip.
      Newt Gingrich is so unfaithful, he makes Tiger Woods look like a Pussy Woods.

  36. Fawkdifiknow

    I don't know if a heart attack is definitely in this guy's near future, but if he got elected I know it's in mine.

  37. PubOption

    The teabaggers might like politicians around them who are fat. They can see that Obama has a lean and hungry look (which they attribute to Michelle's organic vegetables), they could be afraid that he thinks too much, and are certain that he is dangerous.

    Now I need to work out who will be stabbed in the back, and by whom.

  38. freakishlywrong

    Fat Schmat. The guy's a conservative tool. He yells at teachers and attends Koch Konfabs. Fuck this mean ass fucker.

    1. user-of-owls

      I'm also curious as to his immigration stance. In regard to illegal aliens, for example, does he favor amnestyoplasty?

    2. not that Dewey

      4. Whether ketchup is a vegetable
      5. normalizing relations with Fuddrucker's
      6. Girth certificates

    3. Negropolis

      His position is that everyone of those things is on the table. The tastefully draped, well-lit table dinner table.

  39. widget2011

    Instead of piling on with that fat jokes, I've decided that the Republican party seems desperate at this point in time, and I'll articulate why, bad cadidate by horrible candadate.

    1.) Mitt Romney is by far THE most electable of these candidates, however, he's not mean enough, and big money and the Republican establishment are not behind him, besides, he's a Morman.
    2.) John Huntsman is not the sharpest knife in the kitchen. John Huntsman will not kiss Grover Norquist's ass, right on the puckey hole, in addition, by not kissing GN's ass, he has been veto'ed by the tabaggers and the Republican establishment.
    3.) Ron Paul, although loved by the teabaggers, is a nut. Ron Paul wants to abolish the Federal Reserve and replace it with what, the gold standard? I think this translates to I'll give you 2021 chickens for a cow, or I'll give you 2 dozen eggs for a gallon of milk. Try trading to any other country in the world with that currency!

  40. widget2011

    4.) Rick Perry, although loved by teatard and the Republican establishment, is dumber than GWB, and also dumber than a box of rocks. I knew he was stupid before the Republican debates, after those debates, he's even dumber than I thought. Rick is also corrupt, an unlikable asshole, and by all reasonable accounts, a serial womanizer.
    5.) Michelle Bachmann is a nobody, although she runs a clinic to cure teh gheys, shes is completely ineffective at curing her own "husband". She is loved by the teabaggers because they both do not have a firm grip on reality. Michelle has about 0.00000% chance of becoming the Republican candidate for President.

    1. JustPixelz

      From Joyzee and said TP'ers are crazy after they complained he appointed a musln to Joyzee's Supreme Court, which is like a regular state's traffic court.

  41. widget2011

    6.) Newt Gingrich is also a serial womanizer (BTW, I wonder who Newt is fucking now, for America, of course). Newt Gingrich is a has been, or a never was, remember his "Contract on America", that worked out pretty well, if you were rich.
    7.) Herman Cain is a delusional fool (or tool, if you prefer). Although Herman is a darling of the Teabaggers, they would beat the crap out of him if he was in the back of the audience, wearing baggie pants and dreadlocks. Herman Cain should have his taylor put an enormous "T" on the front of all of his suits (indicating Uncle Tom, or Token).

    Well if I missed any of them, just consider them "also rans").

      1. widget2011

        Wow, do I really HAVE to itererate why he is an also ran, I think anyone taking that clown seriously has a bigger problem than me missing him. With a name like Santorum, it had better be good! Have a peen-n-butt-aarrgghh / Santorum sammich at Christies'.

  42. BklynIlluminati

    You know he probably should have gotten lap band surgery ions ago he has the money for it and his heart would throw a party, but he kinda strikes me that once he loses too much he would look weird like Al Roker did. Then you got to go and hurt his feelings again and say "Nah bro you look better fat have a milkshake."

  43. SaintRond

    Once again, Americans appear ready to vote against their own economic interests. I mean, I ask you, how can a fellow who was born with a silver shovel in his mouth empathize with the little guy?

  44. edconley7

    If the daily show doesn't do Cristi a Jaba The Hut then John Stewart should be smaked for losing his funny!

  45. ProudLibunatic

    Snark off/
    I don't give a rat's ass about his weight, he just seems like a school yard bully (thanks, Lizzie). Is there a reason he hasn't had a gastric-bypass operation to make this a non-issue?

    1. Limeylizzie

      Exactly, he does seem as if he is just a nasty piece of work, I don't even find his fatness unattractive and I think he would be a very handsome man if he lost a lot of weight, but the personality is just vile.

    2. finallyhappy

      gastric bypass/ lapband surgery do not allow you to eat as you did before- and eating as you did before can kill you.

  46. Rotundo_

    The one thing in the litany of fat jokes that has been missed is the cost of adding a second plane to the security contingent. When traveling all of the bodily excretions of the president travel with him so that the various intelligence services of other countries cannot analyze them There is, yes indeedy do, a porta biffy that goes with the president on his travels and should we elect Governor Christie to this post, we're going to have to buy a KC135 tanker to cart the presidential effluent around. Air Force Number 2.

  47. samsuncle

    You can talk smack about Christie all you want but I think he would make a whale of a president.

  48. voodooeconomics

    Mr President Jabba gets a call at 3 am but they have to go to the kitchen to tell him Putin bench pressed 300lbs just a minute ago. What we do now?

    1. user-of-owls

      We laugh and put out a statement saying that Pres. Christie presses twice that whenever he raises his head to look upward.

      Or we say that his daily poop weighs more than that.

    1. Rotundo_

      Geez, if Janeane is "Hollywood's Sympathy Fuck" what does that make Andy? "Hollywood's Anal Warts"? "Hollywood's Chlamydia"? Bitter little fuck isn't he? He sounded kind of sober for this one, not the usual slurring. One of his rare non-pissed up performances. The hair and beard still had the same woke up 2 minutes before appearing look though.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Hollywood's obviously closeted, racist, alcoholic cousin that nobody really likes to talk about or invite to parties?

        I mean, it's not much of a metaphor, really.

      2. tessiee

        "The hair and beard still had the same woke up 2 minutes before appearing look though"

        Vince Vaughan always looks like that, too.

    2. Negropolis

      If she's Hollywood's Sympathy Fuck, what the hell does that make him? Hollywood's Sexual Pariah? Oh, right; nobody. Andy, guess what? Janeane doesn't even know who you are. How does that feel?

      1. Rotundo_

        I wouldn't even toss a fat pile of shit at that fuck. Andy's a troubled little fella. Lots of bile stored up and lots of frustration and the only way he seems to let off steam is by boozing it up. A conservative Christopher Hitchins only stupid. In Hitchens case it was a shame to see someone well spoken drink themselves to an early death, in Andy's case it seems appropriate and even occasionally entertaining.

    1. user-of-owls

      From the comments:

      "Because the Scotcheroos use corn syrup, sweetened chocolate, sweetened butterscotch, and sweetened peanutbutter, I tried cutting the sugar to 1/2 cup."

      Honest to fucking god.

  49. spends2much

    If the Right's favourite endomorph were president, he'd have the red phone rewired to connect to Pizza Hut. Oh, and he's a tool.

  50. iburl

    I think the brilliant schemers at the top of the GOP are confusing Gravity with Gravitas.

    If Chris Christie landed on the moon, I think women's periods would be longer.

  51. HistoriCat

    Christie wouldn't last five minutes past the rebroadcast of his "I'm tired of the Sharia crap" answer. The teatards who hate Perry's "have a heart" instate tuition won't support anyone who doesn't think Sharia law is the greatest threat to Life As We Know It.

    1. user-of-owls

      Sharia law is the greatest threat to Life As We Know It.

      Of course that's not true. Everyone knows that the greatest threat to Life As We Know It is eating vegetables.

  52. Negropolis

    Lookie what we got, here, my friends; we've got us a real protest on our hands, now…

    Wall Street protesters shut Brooklyn Bridge

    Hundreds of anti-Wall Street protesters forced the temporary closure of the Brooklyn Bridge when they marched into traffic, prompting dozens of arrests, New York police and demonstrators said.

    Anti-Wall Street activists first occupied a small park in lower Manhattan two weeks ago to protest corporate bailouts and corporate influence in politics.

    …In Boston on Saturday, twenty-four protesters were arrested and charged with trespassing as a vast crowd marched outside Bank of America offices.

    Right to the City, the coalition of advocacy groups that organized the demonstration, said the event was held to protest corporate greed and to stop bank foreclosures.

    According to organizers, some 3,000 people marched outside the bank.

    1. PalinzADummy

      It's gotten bigger. Marches in LA, Chicago, DC, Denver, tonight. Marches planned for Seattle, FL (various cities), Asheville (?), Tacoma, much of Colorado, San Francisco, and an #OccupyFrance movement starting up. It might just go global.

  53. schvitzatura

    If Jonah Hill can drop a metric ton, so can Christie…No more Ring Dings for a while, guvnah!

  54. dopper0189

    Herman Cain has sealed a secret VP deal with him for 8 slices of pepperoni pizza a day. He was quoted as saying "He's fat? I show you fat?"

  55. dopper0189

    The GOP thought they would capture the youth vote by nominating someone phat? But their spell check went wrong!

  56. DahBoner

    Sure he looks fat, but he don't talk fat.

    He talks like a tough, muscular guy who punches meat carcasses in a freezer….

    1. tessiee

      "He talks like a tough, muscular guy who punches meat carcasses in a freezer…."

      Are you suggesting that he…
      beats the meat?

  57. Warpde

    "Is Monstrously Obese Chris Christie Even Too Fat For Republican Voters?"

    Well now, if they hide that moon orbiting around his midsection he may have a chance.

  58. WeHaveIssues

    Hey, hey, hey – we coined him the "Snookie Candidate" first! Although, "he's just too fucking fat" works too.

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