shark vs. shark

Koch Bros. Freaking Out Over Unpublished Scandal Story

Who will win the one dollar wager?Archvillain stereotypes David and Charles Koch are reportedly furious because rival New York billionaire Mike Bloomberg’s media machine is reportedly about to publish some big scandal story that proves the Koch Bros. are even worse than previously thought. So what are the libertarian heroes accused of now? Eating the hearts of Christian babies? Jacking off into Warren Buffett’s caviar? No, they are simply accused of some bribery and standard globalist business crime, in France. France! How are the Koch Brothers even involved in such a socialist country full of health-care-having French people? UPDATE: The story is live at Bloomberg Markets Magazine.

According to Salon, this is what’s happening in the wacky world of the Koch Brothers’ Empire of Crime:

Based on the prebuttal items appearing this week in the Washington Examiner, the Daily Caller, and U.S. News and World Report, the Bloomberg story focuses on alleged malfeasance and/or fraud and/or bad behavior by the conglomerate Koch Industries.

One of those episodes apparently involves bribery by a Koch subsidiary in France, according to the piece by Washington Examiner editorial page editor Mark Tapscott. He reports that “Bloomberg reporters have been trolling among former Koch employees overseas in search of disaffected voices willing to talk,” but Tapscott suspects the story may be animated by bias against the Tea Party. And he notes that, “Koch USA officials say they were as surprised and angered as anybody else when they were first apprised of the bribery allegations, and moved as quickly as possible to get to the bottom of the situation and fix it.”

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“Fix it” is global mafia talk for “cement shoes.” Anyway, everybody get ready for the shocking revelation that the Koch Brothers are criminal assholes, in the next issue of whatever magazine Bloomberg runs, Vibe or something. [Bloomberg Markets Magazine/Salon via tipster "Doug"]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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134 comments

    1. WunkRocker

      Just twatted:
      @GovWalker Koch Bros sold petrochem equipment to #Iran despite embargo bit.ly/qBy8km Why do you hate #USA and love #Ahmadinejad?

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Like the Koch Bros haven't specifically structured their subs to ensure mid-level operatives are there to have everything blamed on them.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Scott Walker and the Fitzgeralds have declared the independent Wisconsin Plutopublic and offered the Kochs adylum.

  1. widestanceshakedown

    Someone really needs to start a "It Gets Better" project for the super rich. Every night, I cry myself to sleep for their pain and suffering.

    My heart bleeds santorum for these martyrs.

  2. chascates

    Odd that France routinely lets ousted dictators settle in their country but draws the line at the most common of business practices. Such petulance.

  3. El Pinche

    Oooh!, Is this when Mortimer and Randolph get screwed, then America wins and enjoys it's tropical vacation?

  4. SayItWithWookies

    France? Ha — you expect anyone in America to care about what the Kochs do in France? New revelations come out about Rupert Murdoch's spying tricks every damn day but it doesn't deter this criminal from continuing here as though nothing happened. Maybe that'll change with yesterday's news, though, that NotW had plants in rival new offices stealing their scoops. That might cause the idiots at FOX's competition to take notice.

  5. fletc3her

    There is a certain je nai se quoi in wiping the santorum up with a koch brother's product like Quilted Northern or Angel Soft.

    1. chicken_thief

      Oh, great. Now Santorum will go on a rant about how those are toilet papers and not paper towels or napkins….

  6. weejee

    How can anyone believe anything in US Pewz and Hurled Report? Besides they have hated the Frogs since the Jacobites went after Lafayette.

      1. weejee

        Following the Occupy the Streets meme, likely should be spelled Jacobeans, at least through this weekend. After Barry napalms the protesters, like he whacked a certain citizen who also pissed him off, it won't matter so much.

  7. Barb

    Wow, this story and a story about Rick Perry, being investigated for insider trading, being reported now. It's a good thing.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      The insider trading thing was a tease — it took place in the 1990s and went nowhere fairly quickly, since Perry and the guy he conspired with both denied they spoke about the stock. I was hoping it was something ongoing, but no.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Sounds like about as much evidence as they had in Whitewater. I really hope there will be an uncontrolled seven-year investigation of every last aspect of Perry's professional, political and personal life by a former Solicitor General on the far left of the Democratic party, followed by a successful perjury trap on a completely unrelated matter.

        Because if that ever happens to a Republican, I may get to sleep with Helen Mirren. And find a fortune in gold coins buried in my backyard.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        I indirectly know the douche who fed him the tip. KCI's founder is a complete sleeze who has a well-earned reputation for messing around in Texas political circles/influence peddling to benefit his company. I had a client who was their competitor and one of their biggest fears was being sued in Texas state court or really dealing with any state authorities there because of his influence.

        In other words, I completely buy that Perry was tipped off, and that this clown would deny it to his dying day. I guess I like it though because if lil' Ricky is ever in a position to say shit about Obama's dealings with Rezko (which I don't think he will be, but you never know), this is a nice counterweight.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Wait, I thought Bill killed Vince when he found out that he was sleeping with Hillary and they were both moving coke up from Nicaragua.

        God, it is so hard keeping these fake Clinton scandals straight.

        1. imissopus

          No no, Bill moved all that coke in conjunction with the reverse vampires. They used Ron Brown's plane until he wanted out, which is why Gennifer Flowers shot it down with a shoulder-fired missile. Vince Foster was killed because he knew too much. Let's see Bill prove that none of this is true!

          1. Negropolis

            WIN. I have relatives in Arkansas to this day (Clinton-loving Democrats, even) who are absolutely convinced the Clinton's killed Ron Brown, and that Clinton has a bunch of black babies running around Arkansas none-the-wiser. lol

  8. paris biltong

    Shame on Bloomberg for going after people making 40 to 50 million a year who can barely make ends meet.

  9. Chichikovovich

    Aw, man. The headline gets me all excited and then it turns out we're talking about some subsidiary bribing somebody in France? Murdoch is going to skate away from the hacking scandal for heavens' sake. To have a hope of even a 1% chance of nailing these guys for bribery, you'd need to have the Koch brothers themselves, on videotape, handing over sacks labeled "Nazi Gold" to Scott Walker and Al-Awleki. Plus a sack labeled "Nazi Gold in payment for the 2004 Ohio results" to the guy who runs Diebold. And even then nobody would probably lay a glove on them.

  10. OneYieldRegular

    This is what happens when you send Republicans to France. They strenuously try to avoid any scandal of the sort involving a dancer from The Crazy Horse, thinking a little pot-de-vin will just be par for the course, but over there, it works exactly the other way around.

  11. edgydrifter

    The scandal isn't that they were committing crimes in France, it's that they were doing business with France at all. To the American right, that's worse than sucking Chairman Mao's toes while peeing on the cross.

  12. Antispandex

    When contacted, a French official said, "I'm shocked, SHOCKED, to find that gambling has been going on here"!

  13. Tundra Grifter

    If the Brothers are trying to keep the article from being published, is that a Koch Block?

    Meanwhile, isn't France the nation that went after George Soros? The right wing nutz ranted about that for quite some time – now they are just going to start dogging that country, aren't they?

    1. tessiee

      "i like koch brothers better covered with evil bobbing cow faces"

      Or covered with cow feces would be OK, too.

  14. Goonemeritus

    What is the point of massive piles of money beyond the dreams of avarice if you can’t use it to buy influence? Were I rich enough I would bribe the French to abandon all further attempts at contemporary music.

    1. chicken_thief

      Just dress a German in any kind of quasi-military uniform and give him a keg of beer to tell them to knock it the fuck off.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      And Dixie Cups to catch them, bottle them and sell as the new Tiger Blood.

      Winning! [or is that too dated already?]

  15. spends2much

    In the Koch-ed up Free Market, you should be able to buy anything you want! Influence, a nice new kidney, a hot second wife… I'm surprised they even know they should be "surprised and angered."

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      What's with our exceptional country?

      It's taking Great Britain and France to take down our Über criminals.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Henry Hudson, one of the simple jurists who "took down" ACA, went after Microsoft. Which only means he wants the "right" people to have money/power. Gates is a nerd, Obama near — they are not the right people.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well, if Sarah has lost Eric, son of Eric, what chance does she have of winning over other insane right wingers?

    2. Radiohead

      None hath spoken so harshly of her holy grifter highness since days of yore, one, Dame Noonington. Forsooth, beware, Erick son of Erick, the wrath of the mighty $arah will be upon thee. Who dare challenge the Black Knight?

  16. Schmannnity

    Jacking off into Warren Buffett’s caviar?

    This is the kind of speculation that hints at prior employment of Ken Layne in the service industry.

    1. tessiee

      The Koch boys may have their fair share of flaws, and then some, but I don't know if I'd exactly call them jackasses, even in French.

  17. chicken_thief

    “Bloomberg reporters have been trolling among former Koch employees overseas in search of disaffected voices willing to talk,” but Tapscott suspects the story may be animated by bias against the Tea Party.

    Looks like Tapscottt got himself a little taste of the Koch.

  18. tessiee

    "rival New York billionaire Mike Bloomberg’s media machine is reportedly about to publish some big scandal story that proves the Koch Bros. are even worse than previously thought"

    Fortunately for all, Garry Trudeau has learned his lesson, and will wait until this is actually published before any reference to it appears in "Doonesbury".

  19. tessiee

    "prebuttal"

    I like this word, and plan to use it in the future, although probably not for its originally intended purpose.

  20. Isyaignert

    These guys are the role model for the evil Duke brothers in the greatest movie of all time, "Trading Places." Here's a list of their products to boycott:

    AVOID KOCH BROTHERS PRODUCTS:

    Angel Soft toilet paper

    Brawny paper towels

    Dixie plates, bowls, napkins and cups

    Mardi Gras napkins and towels

    Quilted Northern toilet paper

    Soft ‘n Gentle toilet paper

    Sparkle napkins

    Vanity fair napkins

    Zee napkins

    Georgia-Pacific paper products and envelopes
    All Georgia-Pacific lumber and building products

  21. Walkinwiddaking

    Jesus, judging by the picture those two look like a couple of waiters at a Shecky Greene friars roast.

Comments are closed.