herman cain's math magick

Herman Cain: Blacks ‘Brainwashed,’ Can’t ‘Think For Themselves’

Herman Cain's dreamworld.Token black GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain knows a thing or two about hiring low-wage workers to carry around his company’s shitty pizzas, and that’s why he’s quite sure black people in America are “brainwashed” and can’t “think for themselves.” But this is changing, according to Herman Cain’s math (the Chilean model?), which goes like this: “Two thirds of them,” the blacks, are “brainwashed.” This is what Herman Cain told Wolf Blitzer on the teevee news show. But, because of Herman Cain’s math magic, “the good news is I happen to believe that a third to 50 percent of the black Americans in this country, they are open-minded.” So, some of the brainwashed are also open-minded — about 17% of the brainwashed blacks, according to conventional fractions. If Herman Cain can turn the 17% of open-minded brainwashed blacks into, say, Republicans, then he’s got this all lined up. In his mind … which is open, we imagine.

Wingnut newsletter NewsMax shares this important transcript from CNN:

Blitzer responded, “That’s a strong word to talk about your fellow African Americans, brainwashed?”

“For two-thirds of them, Wolf, that is the case,” Cain said. “Now, the good news is I happen to believe that a third to 50 percent of the black Americans in this country, they are open-minded. I meet them every day. They stop me in the airport. And so this whole notion that all black Americans are necessarily going to stay and vote Democrat and vote for Obama, that’s simply not true. More and more black Americans are thinking for themselves. And that’s a good thing …. I do believe a third (of African-Americans) would vote for me, based upon my own anecdotal feedback,” he said. “Now, they won’t be voting for me because I’m black they’ll be voting for me because of my policies.”

Airports! This is the same kind of research Tom Friedman is always doing, and he’s never wrong about anything. So, we are pretty sure some version of this math results in Herman Cain both winning the GOP nomination and becoming president of Chile. [Newsmax via Wonkette operative chascates]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i had no idea Clarence Thomas was in the pizza business.

    • Barb

      Go ahead and get Crazy Bread, but skip the can of Coke in the order.

    • LouBristol

      He's very quiet about it, plus it's not listed in his income statement.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Herman Cain hates black people.

    • PalinzADummy

      A LOT!

  • Barb

    "They stop me in the airport"
    Oh, Herb Cain! They also stop Snookie at the airport and everyone who knows who she is happens to be brainless, and desperately in need of washing.

    • snackypants

      They also stop me in the airport, every goddamn time I go through.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Do you think the Herb Cain line was possibly someone flashing back on SF Chronicle columnist/gossip monger Herb Caen? Is that even remotely likely?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        I just assumed it was.

    • Amo_of_Bogio

      Do they stop him from getting on the plane, and if so, is because he's you know… dumb as a box of $9.99 hammers?

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Herman Cain is just jealous that some people have brains to be washed

  • Buzz Feedback

    OJ must've been a Democrat.

  • Antispandex

    Math is an anti-christiian, anti-conservative, liberal construct…and it's full of theories. It's evolution's crappy cousin. Herman is a BIG believer in home schoolers…you know, his base.

    • SorosBot

      And Algebra was invented by anti-American Muslims!

  • SorosBot

    So not voting for the party that has made it very clear that they hate you for the color your skin is being brainwashed? Huh; last time I was at the zoo I didn't climb into the tiger pen to let them eat me, I guess I'm brainwashed too.

  • Indiepalin

    Casting calls for the re-make of "Superfly" to begin immediately.

  • skoalrebel

    What are we to make of this? [spit] We got a nigger smart enough to see that niggers ain't smart. I think this is some kind of paradox, like the sentence "This sentence is false."

    • Geminisunmars

      Watch it, Skoal. Youse starting to make sense.

  • ThundercatHo

    Wait, I thought it was 3/5ths of black Americans, no?

  • poncho_pilot

    that old non-Euclidean Math again?

  • TheGyrus

    I do believe a third (of African-Americans) would vote for me, based upon my own anecdotal feedback,

    My own anecdotal feedback! Why, that's almost as good as actual data!

    • Geminisunmars

      Works for Miche1e!

    • poncho_pilot

      yeah, lots of peoples' mothers tell them they are special, smart, great, attractive to members of the opposite sex, and made of gold. doesn't mean it's true.

    • OneYieldRegular

      It's the new math.

    • Negropolis

      In the Republican Party, anecdotal feedback is the full extent of their actual facts. They go any further and they risk gaining actual knowledge and everyone knows that actual facts have a liberal, socialistic, gay agenda bias.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, when are those poor brainwashed black people going to start thinking for themselves and embrace the party that wants to repeal the Voting Rights Act, the Civil Rights Act, use vouchers to re-enact Massive Resistance, keep the Federal courts out of their redistricting and school bussing schemes, always shouts about states' rights and nullification, and gets offended when our president notes that the Constitution and its provisions for slavery was "imperfect" at its outset?

  • freakishlywrong

    "Black Americans"? What the fuck? And where's their own fake news channel to brainwash them?

  • MrFizzy

    It's probably true that a large percentage of black people in this country are brainwashed and ignorant. It's also true that a large percentage of white people are brainwashed and ignorant. I think that was part of the Equal Stupidity Amendment, right?

  • Rosie_Scenario

    But is Herman Cain popular with the blacks?

    • Nostrildamus

      You think he's playing to the blacks with this statement ?

  • poncho_pilot

    in regards to the pic for this post, this was an odd phase in Alice Cooper's career:
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_SMXnptlaAxY/TJaMhrIQkYI

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Just what any presidential campaign needs: More Venn Diagrams!

  • Ramon X

    That Chilean model has temporarily made me forget about Kortney and her cucumber.

  • BklynIlluminati

    I really wish the primaries where tomorrow. So we can narrow it down to one tardsack talking diarrhea to the media.

    • Guppy06

      Tomorrow is pushing it, but I give it even odds of at least one state having a primary next week.

  • samsuncle

    Here in the deep south there are quite a few white republicans who support Cain. One can only conclude that either they don't have a racist bone in their bodies or that they think of Cain as a house negro. My guess is that it's the latter.

    • ttommyunger

      Too big for the house, that boy's goin' to the fields, fer sure.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Yes, Cain's fellow "African-Americans" not Blitzer's fellow Americans. Nice.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Really. Why not just get Pat Buchanan to ask the questions?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Let's see, take the n factorial and then apply the pentagonal Wolfram origami function (e.g., fold it five ways) and smartly place it where the sun never shines. Yep, sounds like the former head Godfather, or capo di tutti-fruity capi, is a statistical HermieCain.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Needs moar tasty pie chart. Also.

    • Negropolis

      Needz moar deep dish pie chart.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Herman Cain won't sleep until African Americans are demanding to see Obama's birth certificate in equal numbers to real Americans.

  • GregComlish

    Finally a brave black voice willing to say exactly what racist white people want to hear.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Yeah, unlike the teabaggers.

  • Grief_Lessons

    In a different context Northrop Frye said that one should keep an open mind, but like the digestive tract it should be open at both ends to allow elimination, as well as intake.

    • littlebigdaddy

      One of yer great Canucks.

  • paris biltong

    Cain is never very forthcoming about which group he belongs to, the washed or the washers.

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    Well, he's certainly got the math skills and do-not-take-what-I-say-as-fact word thing of Republicans down.

  • GOPCrusher

    75 percent are brainwashed, but 50 percent are open minded. This is a concept that I support, 137 percent!

    – Fox News

  • HarryButtle

    At airports? That's where he presses the flesh? So, one must assume that his anecdotal evidence is coming from gainfully employed African Americans, right?Americans who either work for firms willing to fly them around the country (instead of firms that require you to swim in fryer grease), or Americans who can afford a vacation on an airplane (instead of at the drive-in)?

    Perhaps, Herman, you should speak to some less fortunate folks and see how much they like your policy ideas.

  • Guppy06

    Between his problems with the concept of "percent" as well as his anecdotes-as-statistics philosophy, his accountants aren't paid nearly enough.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Maybe if we all start saying "Nine, Nine, Nine" with a German accent, maybe he'll quit with that bizarre 'policy.'

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    Michael Steele finally has competition for the Uncle Tom Of The Year award.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I thought it was Herb Cain, ya know, the flavor of the week?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Or Herb Caen, the great San Francisco three-dot newspaper columnist. Except he's been dead for fifteen years.

  • Not_So_Much

    Is he being advised by the ghost of Jimmy the Greek?

  • owhatever

    Okay, the math is confusing me. From being worth three-fifths of a real person to the Four Fathers, these Americans are now two-thirds brainwashed, and their muffins contrast sharply in price to white muffins at Young Republican torch-marches on campus. Then the one-third whose brains that have been thoroughly washed by Chinese laundries would vote for Herman Cain, although they are not allowed to vote because their youngest second cousins are in the slammer for dealing weed to white folks. I got it.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    Airport surveys. So Herman Cain has the backing of Redcaps, underwear bombers and Samuel L. Jackson?

    • horsedreamer_1

      SLJ is sick of that motherfucking snake in his motherfucking race.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Libunatic

      And TSA cretins. Don't forget the TSA cretins.

    • Negropolis

      I'm tired of this muthafuckin' terrorists on this muthafuckin' plane!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    They stop me at the airport.

    Herm, the TSA employees making you take off your clothes to walk through a metal detector are not stopping you because they want to tell you how much they like your non-policies on everything.

    Also, saying black people can't think for themselves? I dunno, I think generalizing about people based on race is kind of racist.

  • whatupirondog

    Anecdotal feedback? Why, that's the best kind of feedback! "Let me tell you a story about a guy who said he'd vote for Herman Cain…"

  • not that Dewey

    I happen to believe that a third to 50 percent of the black Americans in this country, they are open-minded. I meet them every day.

    He meets 12 – 19 million black people everyday? Wow.

  • Barrelhse

    I like the poster, guess I'll rent Sugar Hill tonight.

  • Slim_Pickins

    How does he know that he's not in the brainwashed group?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Silvia Robinson (half of Mickey & Silvia) passed away September 29th The "Mother of Hip-Hop," she produced "Rapper's Delight" by the Sugar Hill Gang. She was 75.

  • ttommyunger

    If this clown would just shut his piehole just a little bit, you know, take a breath now and then, people might not know he was a complete fucking moron; but noooooooooo!

  • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Libunatic

    Anecdotes told in airports – how do they work?

  • Negropolis

    Negros are Republican fool's gold. Until your party is willing to rid itself of its blatant, visceral, and reflexive racism and xenophobia, both in its people and its policies, you can keep tilting at windmills. You fuckers could put up Mputu Kenyatta Mfume from Tanzania, and he could be as black as the Sark island nighttime sky, and we still wouldn't vote for his ass, ya dig?

    Boss Cain, nigga please. Uncle Tom has more dignity in his little finger than you possess in your whole body for your entire existence.

  • Negropolis

    Shorter Herr Mahn Cain: Maths is hard.

  • mumbly_joe

    Well, of course! It's so simple! Why didn't I realize sooner?!

    Most of The Blacks are brainwashed into voting for Democrats, so really, Republicans have spent the past 50 years in a concerted effort to prevent African-Americans from voting for their own good. Obviously.

    See, the problem was, I had cause and effect all backwards, for some reason.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Two-thirds of black Americans are brainwashed; two-thirds of white Americans are brainwashed–so even without counting on Hispanics and Asian Americans the population is already four-thirds brainwashed.

    Math is easy.

  • fitley

    I think Rove is Herman's math teacher. I think we all remember Karl's math. Or "THE math" as he used to call it. For some reason Karl doesn't mention "THE math" much anymore. Hmmm, I wonder why.

  • fitley

    I think Herman needs to re-check his "Fractamotisin".

  • dopper0189

    I'd vote GOP for free pizza for a year, well at least until I tasted it. More like Devilfather's Pizza, ugh! Guess I'll just stick to Democratic brainwashing.

  • ttommyunger

    Amazing! How does he manage to suck corporate dick with his foot in his mouth? Herman is one multi-tasking mutha-fucka!