America's overloaded terror-fear sensors are not equipped to handle jokes.The Onion put out a series of “breaking news” tweets narrating an escalating Capitol Hill hostage situation perpetrated by Republican members of Congress (GET IT??), which the Capitol Police decided to treat as actionable cause for TOTAL PANIC because “satire” is not covered in the police training manual. Hooray, Earth is now sentenced to have a Serious Internet Discussion with itself about whether or not comedians should be Gitmo’d or just gang-raped for making jokes about John Boehner and Eric Cantor being deranged maniacs. And while most of the news media is complaining that the joke is in poor taste because it ruined their fun thwarted toy airplane plot news cycle, shrill right-wing nutjob Michelle Malkin thinks the joke is in poor taste because these libtard comedians made their fake hostage scenario featuring the wrong party of legislators.

From her whackadoodle warblog:

It’s Harry Reid who held up the latest short-term government funding band-aid, not Boehner. It’s President Obama who refused to act on his own bipartisan debt panel’s recommendations. And it’s massive entitlement expansions and bailouts passed by both parties that have robbed our kids’ futures.

There’s your takeaway, kids! The Secret Service better be waterboarding Michelle Malkin as we write. [Outside the Beltway/ Michelle Malkin]

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  • Is Michael Jackson ok?

    • chicken_thief

      He's looking better than he used to, that's for damn sure.

      • grex1949

        He certainly looks rested.

    • Omophagist

      Last time I checked he was still doing fine as he burns forever in hell with the rest of the child diddlers.

  • tihond

    This makes Todd Hanson sad.

  • prommie

    There goes thestar graduate of the Absecon special ed department.

  • Our favorite anchor baby obviously missed this graf in the article:

    Shaken witnesses reported that the ordeal broke out around 10 a.m. this morning, when in the midst of a Capitol building tour, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) suddenly burst into the National Statuary Hall with a pair of black panty hose over his head and began firing a Beretta 9 mm handgun into the air, shouting, "Everybody down! Everybody get the fuck down!"

    Fuckin' reading, Michelle, how does it work?

    • glamourdammerung

      I noticed that as well, but excused Malkin as she is probably not that good with English being a "terror baby" and all.

      • baconzgood

        Malkin….That's a Russian name isn't it? I'm just sayin'.

        • horsedreamer_1

          She's Filipina, which means your insinuation of Michelle being Russian Communist an IMELDA MARCOS/PUMPS LIBEL.

    • HarryButtle

      Words go in, words go out…nobody can explain.

    • CapnFatback

      Oh, she read it, but her Wingnut Offense-o-Meter went off at the inclusion of a four-letter word, which, of course, set the Insta-Memory-Wipe Synapse in motion.

      It's all explained here in this pamphlet: SO, YOU'RE READING A RIGHT-WING BLOG.

    • Diabeetis

      She also missed the Onion tweet about Chuckie Schumer pistol-whipping a chaperone.

  • Come here a minute

    The only place for an Onion is on my belt!

    • baconzgood

      I'll take "Come here a minute" for the win.

    • DetectiveGrey

      As is the style at the time.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Don't let Malkin steal your dickety!

  • well we all know how teabaggers take to satire. and reading.

  • Does this Twinkie know about the GOP "business" trips to her homeland?

    • Rotundo_

      Know? Hell she has a 7th degree blackbelt in shooting ping-pong balls out her snizz and has been known to blow smoke rings with it as well. Just because she's an anchor baby doesn't mean Mom didn't train her in the classic arts.

  • baconzgood

    I never thought I'd see something as unfunny as the Capitol Steps. But Jesus Michelle Malkin! You're not even trying. Your Harry Reid/Band-aid joke just sucked. And there is so much potential there! His name is HARRY. Band-aid! Harry! Band-aid! There's a good zinger there.

    • FNMA

      Christ, you had to mention the Capitol Steps. I was held hostage at a dinner at which they performed. Murder-suicide crossed my mind. They were anti-comedy. They made me depressed and angry. Jesus, is that what passes for humor in D.C.?

      • littlebigdaddy

        The C.S. are DC's version of funny, just as Michele Bachman is DC's version of attractive, and cardigan sweaters and pearl necklaces are DC's version of fashion sense.

        • emmelemm

          What have you got against cardigans and pearl necklaces?

    • metamarcisf

      The friggin' Capital Steps bill themselves as performing "unsurpassed political humor" and they're about as funny as Herman Cain in blackface.

      • emmelemm

        Herman Cain in blackface might actually be funny.

        • littlebigdaddy

          And he with Michael Steele doing some soft shoe and singing Mammy would be priceless!

  • She2ey has got her scallions in a bunch.

  • smitallica

    And I hate Michelle Malkin because she lacks not-being-a-cunt.

  • ndisang67

    Is Malkin a natural born citizen?

    • glamourdammerung

      Not according to her party.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Unnaturally-born, as she was hatched in some think-tank laboratory.

  • CapnFatback

    Holy fuck, Malkin is still relevant?

    • glamourdammerung

      She was relevant at some point?

      Outside of Representative Gohmert's only valid example of a "terror baby"?

      • CapnFatback

        That first comment, my dear Glamour, was what is known as a "soft lob."

        *WINKS* You're welcome.

        • chicken_thief

          I think I know what you mean by "soft lob" and that you need to come see me to get the matter straightened out. Soon!


    • Swampgas_Man

      Hell no, even my local rag won't put her on the Wingnut section of the editorials anymore. She's acheived status only won by Anne Coulter.

    • baconzgood

      Not last season because of injury but this season we'll see.

      • GOPCrusher

        Thank Odin, the NHL season starts Saturday.

  • metamarcisf

    Why laugh at the Onion when there is so much hilarious right-wing humor? Like Laura Inraham's "Of Thee I Zing", a follow up to her other knee-slappers like "Zinging in the Rain", "I Know Why the Caged Bird Zings" and, who can forget "I Never Zang For My Father"?

    • Indiepalin

      Talk about beating a dead whores!

    • poncho_pilot

      Zing For Your Supper.

  • Not_So_Much

    Empty-headed twat-waffle, you know the deal: Get on the trampoline or shut the fuck up.

  • memzilla

    Michelle Malkin now takes the prize for Biggest Phillippine Spewer away from Mt. Pinatubo.

    • Geminisunmars

      I first read that as "Biggest Phillippine Sewer" which I think works too, also.

  • I'm not a big fan of Miss Frowny Face.

  • AlterNewt

    What does she do, REALLY?

    • She is the US's largest natural source of mendaciousness and bile – two of our most valuable exports

      • AlterNewt

        Ah, renewables.

    • arcane_allusion

      I'm not sure, but I heard it involves ping pong balls

  • Poindexter718

    Surely this mendacious tiger harpy knows that the bipartisan debt panel never issued a report?

    • "mendacious tiger harpy" sounds musically delicious, if roasted right~

    • Chichikovovich

      So that means Obama ignored *every one* of the reports they issued. Duh!

    • LetUsBray

      She's just counting on her readers NOT knowing that.

      As you say, mendacious. The other words were good, too.

  • baconzgood

    I just read the posting of Michelle's and when I finished I realisied that it raised some serious questions. Questions like: Why the fuck did I read that? Who's going to give me back those few of moments Michelle took from me? What the hell was I thinking reading that? What the fuck is this cunt saying? Is she really that stupid? Etc., Etc., Etc.,

    • Geminisunmars

      Thanks for the warning. I will keep my moments for myself. Maybe I'll go get a massage.

      • GOPCrusher

        Or perhaps, go pick some apples.

        • Geminisunmars

          Or stare at the wall. Even that would be better.

    • Callyson

      May I humbly suggest some answers, which occurred to me when I read her crap:
      Morbid curiosity.
      Maybe you'll get them back in the afterlife…if there is a heaven…
      You were thinking "JFC, every time I think the wingnuts can't get any worse…"
      Nothing that is based in reality.
      Yes, she really *is* that stupid…

      • baconzgood

        Sometimes the answers are scarier than the questions.

    • RavenRant

      Answers: Don't know. Nobody. Don't know. Nothing intelligible. Yes.

  • mumbly_joe

    Umad, Michelle? Then just go post The Onion's home address; that's what you usually do when someone says things you don't like, right?

  • Jeez, Michelle M., isn't there some disabled 12 year old you could be stalkin'?

    • Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.

    • RavenRant

      You could work up a little poem, rhyming 'Malkin' and 'stalkin'.

  • Pragmatist2

    Picture Louis Black:
    "I just wish that someone would take Michelle Malkin hostage and move her to some detention camp in Afghanistan and tie her in a chair and put duct tape over her permanently yapping mouth and force her to listen to sane people saying sane things 24 hours a day for a month.
    Then they can shoot her."

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Let's be fair, it can be difficult to separate the fake, satirical stories on The Onion from the serious, real ones. I've fallen into the trap more times than I care to count!

    • Chichikovovich

      Ditto for Michelle Malkin screeds.

    • Indiepalin

      A recent favorite was the review of the new Springsteen album, "Red Dust". Try finding THAT on Amazon.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Don't feel bad, so has the Chinese government:

  • Callyson

    Actually, *this* looks like the satirical reporting on conditions at the Capitol–from WaPo:
    “It has come to our attention that recent twitter feeds are reporting false information concerning current conditions at the U.S. Capitol,” Sgt. Kimberly Schneider said in an e-mail statement. “Conditions at the U.S. Capitol are currently normal.”
    Unless, if by "normal," the Capitol police mean "the inmates are running the asylum."

    • James Michael Curley

      You have left us with the horrible image of Louie Gohmert carying a bird cage and walking naked toward the Capital.

    • baconzgood

      I once read that the only difference between the inmates and the guards is who's holding the keys.

    • GOPCrusher

      Does Rand Paul have his pants on?

  • Schmannnity

    It's so cute when the wingtards have their pet browns speak. I can't wait for Justice Thomas to weigh in on Mad magazine.

    • jus_wonderin

      He'll just say "There's a pube on my Mad magazine".

  • SayItWithWookies

    The stunt comes on the heels of yesterday’s arrest of an American jihadi plotting to blow up the Capitol and the Pentagon. He planned to kill women and children in a bloody massacre by land and air.

    Oh dear — this bit of satire has spoiled our day of reverent silence to honor those victims — okay, those potential victims — of a yet-to-be-carried-out terrorist attack. Okay, it was more like a plan, not an attack. Okay, more like a plan put together by someone who didn't have the money, volunteers, technical know-how or appropriate planning to carry it out. Okay, it was more like a wild hair financed by the FBI for the sole purpose of arresting an easy mark, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a tragedy in its own way.

    And by the way, Muslims better not build a mosque anywhere near the Capitol — it would show complete utter disregard for the family members of the victims who would've died had the attack been put together and carried out. I mean, how much more tolerant are the American people supposed to be?

    • MissTaken

      Never Forget to Remember to Forget

    • chicken_thief

      9-28. Never furgit!

    • Chichikovovich

      They better not even *think* of building a mosque. Because a possible mosque would be a slap in the face to the families of the possible victims.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      When I think of all the people who could have been killed by all the Muslims that could have been terrorist, it makes me wonder why we couldn't have gone to more wars to prevent all these possible deaths.

      George Bush and Dick Cheney were perfectly happy to start wars over hypothetical deaths. What is wrong with Obama that he is not willing to kill brown people so that we will never have to face the horror of hypothetical terrorist attacks in this country ever again!

      • RavenRant

        Um, I don't know if you've noticed, but Obama is quite willing to kill brown people. Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Libya, Somalia, Yemen…

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Not really sure he can take credit for actually killing anyone in Libya, and the rest he inherited from Cheney/Bush. See, he is just weak when it comes to killing browns!

          • RavenRant

            Well, he's no Cheney.

            He's not munching on the bones of brown babies in an undisclosed location, laughing maniacally.

  • Lazy Media

    Uh, reading, Wonkette, how does it work? The Onion story said it was a bipartisan group from the first take.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Why the fuck is she not in an internment camp somewhere?

  • JoshuaNorton

    Michelle Malkin is just a female version of Ann Coulter.

  • Callyson

    It’s the Republicans who offered up the latest short-term government funding band-aid, as opposed to working on the jobs which they promised to provide, not Reid. It’s President Obama who keeps trying to get bipartisan cooperation to fix our economy, to no avail. And it’s massive tax cuts and regulatory benefits for the corporations passed by both parties (again, in the faint hope by the Dems that this will result in *some* bipartisan cooperation) that have robbed our kids’ futures.

  • tihond

    Now would be the perfect time for Eric Cantor to finally issue Order 66.

    • Chichikovovich

      So I'm guessing Bernie Sanders is Yoda in this scenario? And Elizabeth Warren is Obi-Wan?

    • Negropolis

      Star Wars reference, FTW.

  • NPRadiotherapy®

    Let's piss test her and the whole whiny, propagandist wingtard tool media.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Apparently satire is, for Malkin, rather like sex: something she hasn't gotten in a long, long, long time.

    • jus_wonderin

      Or, her satire batteries need replacement.

  • On now she's all "Let's not paint terrorists with the same orange fake tanner and tobacco stains."

  • Guppy06

    How have situations like this been handled in the past?

    Ah yes: "I'm sorry you're offended."

    • RavenRant

      Usually, it's, "I'm sorry IF anyone was offended," with an eyeball roll to imply that only an asshole would take offense at some inherently over the top offensive remark/email/'joke'.

  • fuflans

    kirsten, if part of my job required reading michelle malkin bleets, i would request combat pay.

    • RavenRant

      Or grief counseling, at least.

  • chicken_thief

    But what does Pat Boone think?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    This is why Conservatives always end their jokes with "giddit?".

  • __kth__

    The liberal media bias critique, btw, encompasses SNL, Daily Show, etc. Satirists apparently have the same obligation as journalists to say just as many mean things about liberals as about conservatives.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If we can't take the Onion seriously anymore, what does this say about America's news organizations?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I refuse to take Michelle Malkin seriously until she posts a screed against the Weekly World News for never showing Batboy demanding tax cuts for the rich.

    • MissTaken

      BatBoy = JOB KILLER!

    • MilwaukeeKent

      More Batboy, more Ed Anger!

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I'm pretty sure that Ed is with one of the Tea Party organizations now.

  • MrFizzy

    One thousand points to the Onion – unlike citizens united, a good use of the first amendment.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think the right wing is just upset that for the first time, FOX News got scooped on a fake news story.

  • The Onion? That's where I get all my news from!

  • Indiepalin

    Methinks Malkin could use a good pearl necklace.

  • MissTaken

    Gawd Malkin, it's not like you work four blocks away.

  • El Pinche

    WTF? I thought Malkin was dead.?? OOOoh, I was thinking Hervé Villechaize.

    • Chichikovovich

      I made a similar mistake. But I was thinking of Torquemada.

    • tcaalaw

      Filippino Height libel!

  • Tommmcattt

    Is this a good time to bring up ping-pong balls? It's never a good Malkin bash unless somebody brings that up. Like bringing wine to a dinner party, really…

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Ewww….now you made me think of pussy juice and Michelle Malkin in the same synapse.

      • Tommmcattt



    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh, snap!

    • Generation[redacted]

      needz moar banana shooters

  • UnholyMoses

    Oh, c'mon, folks! Our Lady of the Concentration Camps knows all about funny:

    She just doesn't realize it …

    • RavenRant

      Trying to figure out the mentality that would not only make that video, but voluntarily post it on the internet… Staggers the mind.

  • poncho_pilot

    Boehner just needs the money to pay for Cantor's sex change operation. it's a touching story, really.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Today the Onion made Michelle’s eyes water to the point where she couldn’t understand the facts… again.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Malkin was once an anchor baby, right? Deport her.

  • chicken_thief

    I think we should make Manny Pacquiao, who campaigned for Reid, an honorary citizen if he just beats the piss out of Michelle like he did Antonio Marguarito. Not just because she deserves it, but also because I like watching Manny beat the piss out of people. He's damn good at it.

  • smashedinhat

    She brings out the worst in me, so I shall abide.

    • DashboardBuddha

      I'm with you. If not for the supreme self-control I posses I would be ranting about how MM is a nonsensical ratbag cunt idiot.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Alternate Headline: Michelle Malkin Back, Dumber Than Ever.

  • JackObin

    Malkin is the key to the Penguins success this season, especially if Sid can't return. I never realized he cared for the slimy world of politics.

  • owhatever

    Hey, I saw her on stage in Bangkok. She was super. She lectured about bananas and Coke bottles.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    "Michelle Malkin" spells her name with two "L"s

    What do you think?

  • MikeInMichigan

    I didn't like it because it lacked Michelle Malkin as a hostage.

  • elfgoldsackring

    On the plus side, Michelle does appreciate the balance and incisive commentary provided by the Onion's editorial cartoonist:

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Now, now, give Michelle a break. She has a birth defect, tragically born without a sense of humor.

  • Madam Killjoy

    "It’s President Obama who refused to act on his own bipartisan debt panel’s recommendations"

    President Obama COULDN'T act because the panel didn't have the 14 votes needed to send the recommendations to Congress – you know, the legislative branch, the one that is actually responsible for passing legislation! Christ, conservatives are either rank liars or dumber than rocks.

    Sorry, that wasn't funny at all. How about dumber than ping-pong balls?

    • Also, didn't at least some of the Republicans on the commission (including Paul Ryan) vote against it largely as part of their continuing plan to say no to everything Obama might like? Hell, if he could have embraced it the plan would have immediately been dead in the water.

  • This was bound to happen. I shared an Onion article about Ocho Cinco performing an opera for his endzone celebration, and my retired grade school teacher commented that he should be fined and suspended. She waves the Gadsden flag.

    • Negropolis

      Don't tread on me, bro!

      As far as I'm concerned, the Gadsen flag is about one flag removed from the Confederate flag. The tea partiers have made a mockery of the thing. Bitches be tiltin' at windmills, yo.

  • rocktonsam

    now she knows what its like for normal people to watch FOX NEWZ

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Calm down, Michelle, or hell, jump in the air with the pom-poms and the cute panties, but the latest update has congress reverting, as usual, to its old habits in the midst of a crisis. The Sun will still come up, the world will still keep turning.

  • thefrontpage

    I've slept with Michelle Malkin at least 200 or 300 times now, and it's just not that great anymore–she keeps calling out "RON PAUL!" and "NEWT!" and "RICKY!!" I guess I'll have to go back to Ann Coulter. She just calls out "MICHELLE! MICHELLE!" and that's kind of hot!

  • thefrontpage

    For your Friday happy hour enjoyment:

  • ttommyunger

    Michelle Malkin had a loose bowel movement the other day and it was Obama's fault, naturally.

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