Michelle Malkin Hated Onion Hostage Joke Because It Lacked Democrats

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America's overloaded terror-fear sensors are not equipped to handle jokes.The Onion put out a series of “breaking news” tweets narrating an escalating Capitol Hill hostage situation perpetrated by Republican members of Congress (GET IT??), which the Capitol Police decided to treat as actionable cause for TOTAL PANIC because “satire” is not covered in the police training manual. Hooray, Earth is now sentenced to have a Serious Internet Discussion with itself about whether or not comedians should be Gitmo’d or just gang-raped for making jokes about John Boehner and Eric Cantor being deranged maniacs. And while most of the news media is complaining that the joke is in poor taste because it ruined their fun thwarted toy airplane plot news cycle, shrill right-wing nutjob Michelle Malkin thinks the joke is in poor taste because these libtard comedians made their fake hostage scenario featuring the wrong party of legislators.

From her whackadoodle warblog:

It’s Harry Reid who held up the latest short-term government funding band-aid, not Boehner. It’s President Obama who refused to act on his own bipartisan debt panel’s recommendations. And it’s massive entitlement expansions and bailouts passed by both parties that have robbed our kids’ futures.

There’s your takeaway, kids! The Secret Service better be waterboarding Michelle Malkin as we write. [Outside the Beltway/ Michelle Malkin]

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146 comments

    1. Omophagist

      Last time I checked he was still doing fine as he burns forever in hell with the rest of the child diddlers.

  1. imissopus

    Our favorite anchor baby obviously missed this graf in the article:

    Shaken witnesses reported that the ordeal broke out around 10 a.m. this morning, when in the midst of a Capitol building tour, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) suddenly burst into the National Statuary Hall with a pair of black panty hose over his head and began firing a Beretta 9 mm handgun into the air, shouting, "Everybody down! Everybody get the fuck down!"

    Fuckin' reading, Michelle, how does it work?

    1. glamourdammerung

      I noticed that as well, but excused Malkin as she is probably not that good with English being a "terror baby" and all.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          She's Filipina, which means your insinuation of Michelle being Russian Communist an IMELDA MARCOS/PUMPS LIBEL.

    2. CapnFatback

      Oh, she read it, but her Wingnut Offense-o-Meter went off at the inclusion of a four-letter word, which, of course, set the Insta-Memory-Wipe Synapse in motion.

      It's all explained here in this pamphlet: SO, YOU'RE READING A RIGHT-WING BLOG.

    1. Rotundo_

      Know? Hell she has a 7th degree blackbelt in shooting ping-pong balls out her snizz and has been known to blow smoke rings with it as well. Just because she's an anchor baby doesn't mean Mom didn't train her in the classic arts.

  2. baconzgood

    I never thought I'd see something as unfunny as the Capitol Steps. But Jesus Michelle Malkin! You're not even trying. Your Harry Reid/Band-aid joke just sucked. And there is so much potential there! His name is HARRY. Band-aid! Harry! Band-aid! There's a good zinger there.

    1. FNMA

      Christ, you had to mention the Capitol Steps. I was held hostage at a dinner at which they performed. Murder-suicide crossed my mind. They were anti-comedy. They made me depressed and angry. Jesus, is that what passes for humor in D.C.?

      1. littlebigdaddy

        The C.S. are DC's version of funny, just as Michele Bachman is DC's version of attractive, and cardigan sweaters and pearl necklaces are DC's version of fashion sense.

    2. metamarcisf

      The friggin' Capital Steps bill themselves as performing "unsurpassed political humor" and they're about as funny as Herman Cain in blackface.

    1. glamourdammerung

      She was relevant at some point?

      Outside of Representative Gohmert's only valid example of a "terror baby"?

        1. chicken_thief

          I think I know what you mean by "soft lob" and that you need to come see me to get the matter straightened out. Soon!

          Regards,
          Marcus

    2. Swampgas_Man

      Hell no, even my local rag won't put her on the Wingnut section of the editorials anymore. She's acheived status only won by Anne Coulter.

  3. metamarcisf

    Why laugh at the Onion when there is so much hilarious right-wing humor? Like Laura Inraham's "Of Thee I Zing", a follow up to her other knee-slappers like "Zinging in the Rain", "I Know Why the Caged Bird Zings" and, who can forget "I Never Zang For My Father"?

    1. LetUsBray

      She's just counting on her readers NOT knowing that.

      As you say, mendacious. The other words were good, too.

  4. baconzgood

    I just read the posting of Michelle's and when I finished I realisied that it raised some serious questions. Questions like: Why the fuck did I read that? Who's going to give me back those few of moments Michelle took from me? What the hell was I thinking reading that? What the fuck is this cunt saying? Is she really that stupid? Etc., Etc., Etc.,

    1. Callyson

      May I humbly suggest some answers, which occurred to me when I read her crap:
      Morbid curiosity.
      Maybe you'll get them back in the afterlife…if there is a heaven…
      You were thinking "JFC, every time I think the wingnuts can't get any worse…"
      Nothing that is based in reality.
      Yes, she really *is* that stupid…

  5. mumbly_joe

    Umad, Michelle? Then just go post The Onion's home address; that's what you usually do when someone says things you don't like, right?

  6. Pragmatist2

    Picture Louis Black:
    "I just wish that someone would take Michelle Malkin hostage and move her to some detention camp in Afghanistan and tie her in a chair and put duct tape over her permanently yapping mouth and force her to listen to sane people saying sane things 24 hours a day for a month.
    Then they can shoot her."

  7. SheriffRoscoe

    Let's be fair, it can be difficult to separate the fake, satirical stories on The Onion from the serious, real ones. I've fallen into the trap more times than I care to count!

  8. Callyson

    Actually, *this* looks like the satirical reporting on conditions at the Capitol–from WaPo:
    “It has come to our attention that recent twitter feeds are reporting false information concerning current conditions at the U.S. Capitol,” Sgt. Kimberly Schneider said in an e-mail statement. “Conditions at the U.S. Capitol are currently normal.”
    Unless, if by "normal," the Capitol police mean "the inmates are running the asylum."

    1. James Michael Curley

      You have left us with the horrible image of Louie Gohmert carying a bird cage and walking naked toward the Capital.

  9. Schmannnity

    It's so cute when the wingtards have their pet browns speak. I can't wait for Justice Thomas to weigh in on Mad magazine.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    The stunt comes on the heels of yesterday’s arrest of an American jihadi plotting to blow up the Capitol and the Pentagon. He planned to kill women and children in a bloody massacre by land and air.

    Oh dear — this bit of satire has spoiled our day of reverent silence to honor those victims — okay, those potential victims — of a yet-to-be-carried-out terrorist attack. Okay, it was more like a plan, not an attack. Okay, more like a plan put together by someone who didn't have the money, volunteers, technical know-how or appropriate planning to carry it out. Okay, it was more like a wild hair financed by the FBI for the sole purpose of arresting an easy mark, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a tragedy in its own way.

    And by the way, Muslims better not build a mosque anywhere near the Capitol — it would show complete utter disregard for the family members of the victims who would've died had the attack been put together and carried out. I mean, how much more tolerant are the American people supposed to be?

    1. Chichikovovich

      They better not even *think* of building a mosque. Because a possible mosque would be a slap in the face to the families of the possible victims.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      When I think of all the people who could have been killed by all the Muslims that could have been terrorist, it makes me wonder why we couldn't have gone to more wars to prevent all these possible deaths.

      George Bush and Dick Cheney were perfectly happy to start wars over hypothetical deaths. What is wrong with Obama that he is not willing to kill brown people so that we will never have to face the horror of hypothetical terrorist attacks in this country ever again!

      1. RavenRant

        Um, I don't know if you've noticed, but Obama is quite willing to kill brown people. Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Libya, Somalia, Yemen…

        1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Not really sure he can take credit for actually killing anyone in Libya, and the rest he inherited from Cheney/Bush. See, he is just weak when it comes to killing browns!

          1. RavenRant

            Well, he's no Cheney.

            He's not munching on the bones of brown babies in an undisclosed location, laughing maniacally.

  11. Lazy Media

    Uh, reading, Wonkette, how does it work? The Onion story said it was a bipartisan group from the first take.

  12. Callyson

    It’s the Republicans who offered up the latest short-term government funding band-aid, as opposed to working on the jobs which they promised to provide, not Reid. It’s President Obama who keeps trying to get bipartisan cooperation to fix our economy, to no avail. And it’s massive tax cuts and regulatory benefits for the corporations passed by both parties (again, in the faint hope by the Dems that this will result in *some* bipartisan cooperation) that have robbed our kids’ futures.
    /fixed

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Apparently satire is, for Malkin, rather like sex: something she hasn't gotten in a long, long, long time.

    1. RavenRant

      Usually, it's, "I'm sorry IF anyone was offended," with an eyeball roll to imply that only an asshole would take offense at some inherently over the top offensive remark/email/'joke'.

  14. __kth__

    The liberal media bias critique, btw, encompasses SNL, Daily Show, etc. Satirists apparently have the same obligation as journalists to say just as many mean things about liberals as about conservatives.

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If we can't take the Onion seriously anymore, what does this say about America's news organizations?

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I refuse to take Michelle Malkin seriously until she posts a screed against the Weekly World News for never showing Batboy demanding tax cuts for the rich.

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think the right wing is just upset that for the first time, FOX News got scooped on a fake news story.

  18. Tommmcattt

    Is this a good time to bring up ping-pong balls? It's never a good Malkin bash unless somebody brings that up. Like bringing wine to a dinner party, really…

    1. RavenRant

      Trying to figure out the mentality that would not only make that video, but voluntarily post it on the internet… Staggers the mind.

  19. poncho_pilot

    Boehner just needs the money to pay for Cantor's sex change operation. it's a touching story, really.

  20. WhatTheHeck

    Today the Onion made Michelle’s eyes water to the point where she couldn’t understand the facts… again.

  21. chicken_thief

    I think we should make Manny Pacquiao, who campaigned for Reid, an honorary citizen if he just beats the piss out of Michelle like he did Antonio Marguarito. Not just because she deserves it, but also because I like watching Manny beat the piss out of people. He's damn good at it.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      I'm with you. If not for the supreme self-control I posses I would be ranting about how MM is a nonsensical ratbag cunt idiot.

  22. JackObin

    Malkin is the key to the Penguins success this season, especially if Sid can't return. I never realized he cared for the slimy world of politics.

  23. Madam Killjoy

    "It’s President Obama who refused to act on his own bipartisan debt panel’s recommendations"

    President Obama COULDN'T act because the panel didn't have the 14 votes needed to send the recommendations to Congress – you know, the legislative branch, the one that is actually responsible for passing legislation! Christ, conservatives are either rank liars or dumber than rocks.

    Sorry, that wasn't funny at all. How about dumber than ping-pong balls?

    1. imissopus

      Also, didn't at least some of the Republicans on the commission (including Paul Ryan) vote against it largely as part of their continuing plan to say no to everything Obama might like? Hell, if he could have embraced it the plan would have immediately been dead in the water.

  24. seppdecker

    This was bound to happen. I shared an Onion article about Ocho Cinco performing an opera for his endzone celebration, and my retired grade school teacher commented that he should be fined and suspended. She waves the Gadsden flag.

    1. Negropolis

      Don't tread on me, bro!

      As far as I'm concerned, the Gadsen flag is about one flag removed from the Confederate flag. The tea partiers have made a mockery of the thing. Bitches be tiltin' at windmills, yo.

  25. MilwaukeeKent

    Calm down, Michelle, or hell, jump in the air with the pom-poms and the cute panties, but the latest update has congress reverting, as usual, to its old habits in the midst of a crisis. The Sun will still come up, the world will still keep turning.

  26. thefrontpage

    I've slept with Michelle Malkin at least 200 or 300 times now, and it's just not that great anymore–she keeps calling out "RON PAUL!" and "NEWT!" and "RICKY!!" I guess I'll have to go back to Ann Coulter. She just calls out "MICHELLE! MICHELLE!" and that's kind of hot!

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