a reasonable proposal

Hero Columnist Offers To Pay To Drug Test Florida Lawmakers

Damn dogs, always eatin all tha drugz.Florida governor Rick Scott is one of those charming sociopath fundamentalist teabagger fiscal responsibility screamers who will nonetheless spend millions of taxpayer dollars to make absolutely sure that the government isn’t giving a single $104 check to a poor drug user even as the state cuts school funding, just to prove he is an annoying hardass. So far, only 2.5% of welfare recipients have tested positive, making this a very expensive joke Rick Scott is playing on poors and taxpayers. But since “government savings” is nominally the reason behind drug testing state check recipients, Miami Herald columnist and novelist Carl Hiaasen, god bless him, proposes lawmakers show a little fairness and participate in a “patriotic whiz-fest” (Maureen Dowd is jealous of this line) where they, too, must all pee in a cup to prove as a group they are as crack-free as 97.5% of welfare recipients. 

From Hiaasen’s column in the Miami Herald:

Here in Florida, Rick Scott’s campaign promise of mass job creation is at least coming true for professional urine samplers. However, in addition to being sued over drug-testing welfare parents, Scott also faces a court fight for ordering random substance screening on thousands of state workers.

Interestingly, the governor’s pee-in-the-cup mandate doesn’t apply to the one bunch that whizzes away more tax dollars than anyone else – the legislators who pass such useless laws.

I say line up all 160 of ‘em for a patriotic whiz-fest at the Capitol clinic. You think more than 2.5 percent might test positive? Let’s find out.

And I’ll pay for it out of my own pocket. Seriously.

Any lawmaker who says “no” to this is automatically a crackhead. [Miami Herald via RawStory]

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    1. littlebigdaddy

      The idea of Rick Scott wandering around in the Everglades like Skink is enough to give a person nightmares.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      As J.J. Walker said about drug testing postal employees, you sure aren't going to find out they are on speed.

    2. An_Outhouse

      Yes. Technically, they work for us. As their employers, I think random drug tests should be mandatory. Also, strip searches into and leaving their office building. No contraband in, no paper clips, pens, and staplers out.

  1. Indiepalin

    Couldn't agree more. Test every one of those so-called lawmakers, and ship anyone testing negative to the Island paradise of Cuba.

    1. RavenRant

      Positive test results = Barefoot hike/wade/swim through Everglades sawgrass.

      Call it the Florida Douchebag Triathlon.

  2. Rosie_Scenario

    Great idea, which also popped into my mind the other day. I reside in FL and the state legislature is one of the worst. They don't do much, and when they do, it is usually wrong-headed.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Well, you know you would find more science in our bloodstreams than in the average teabagger's…

    2. AntonovBureau

      I will donate my drug laced pee to these worthy causes. Please let me know how I can deduct this from my taxes.

  3. johnnyzhivago

    Wonkette should just go and rename itself "Florida-Texas-South Carolina News" because 90% of the dumbass stories in this country seem to eminate from these three states

    1. OkieDokieDog

      Hey. If I remember right, my home state of Oklahoma was the 1st to pass a NO Sharia law… but I've had a few bong hits since then so… what was we talkin' bout?
      Oh also too we might have been the 1st to run off the most Messicans at once after some other anti-brown people law was passed. I think the population of Tulsa dropped like 20 thou in about 2 weeks. You know they weren't paying any taxes and stuff and then the local LEGAL Hispanic & real Merican businesses weren't paying in all that state & local tax they were collecting from the illegals. Funny how that stuff works. Oh well.

    2. freakishlywrong

      They are also known as "tabloid states". See: Walking the Appalachian Trail, Caylee Anthony or..well..any fucking thing in Tejas.

    3. SayItWithWookies

      You know what this means? It means the Palins are doing a crappy job of keeping Alaska out in front of the news cycle.

      1. BarryOPotter

        You know what this means? It means the Palins are doing a crappy job of keeping Alaska out in front of the news cycle.

        Psh. They're Palins. They quit that job, what, 3 jobs ago.

    4. e_z

      My first thought was those states contain 90% of the dumbasses so it made statistical sense. However, America is jam stuffed with dumbasses so maybe these states are the extreme right of the Dumb Ass bell curve…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Usually, a three- or four-question verbal exam is all that's required. (I was gonna say "oral" instead of "verbal," but, well, you know where we are…)

    2. V572 Moon!

      Maybe they need to test marrow or maybe not, but doing the extraction would be worth it in any case. It should be on cable.

  4. freddymcmurray

    Insert rightwing troll statement about "I have to get tested, so they should too" and "if you're not doin' nuthin' wrong, ya got nuthin' to worry 'bout". Oh wait, that stuff's reserved for the poarz. Carry on.

  5. OneYieldRegular

    Awesome. They should do this right on the Capitol steps, like when everyone ran out to scream The Pledge of Allegiance in an effort to out-patriot one another.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I would be up for that, except they would have to lie down while I gamboled merrily above them , peeing as I went , due to the lady parts.

    2. widestanceshakedown

      I'd like to put some real sport into it by having them get pissed upon from helicopters full of incontinent wolves fed nothing but asparagus smoothies for weeks prior.

    3. AntonovBureau

      Oh, come on. This is Wonkette. Cleveland Steamers must be the starting point. Pee is to rinse one's mouth with.

  6. ttommyunger

    I'd settle for a simple I.Q. Test. Anything above room temperature would surprise me, considering the average voter in that State is dumber than a box of rocks.

    1. flamingpdog

      My box of rocks was offended by your implication that its intelligence level is even in the same neighborhood as that of Florida voters.

    2. paris biltong

      I would agree with that, mainly based on the notion that I'd rather be high than stupid and apply the same standard to those to whom I delegate authority. May God protect us from those too dumb to ever get high.

      1. ttommyunger

        Well, those who get high will come to Earth from time to time when necessary. The stupid, on the other hand, enjoy their state 24/7, 365 days a year.

  7. freakishlywrong

    This is akin to all these psychos, (baldie included), bragging they've "eliminated over blahblahblah gubbmint jawbs" forgetting, conveniently, that they themselves are gubbmint employees. And the mouth breathing yokels that support these fuckers cheer wildly at the misfortune of their fellow citizens. It's a cult, I tell ya.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is a job killing idea, as surely the only positive economic trend in Florida is the cocaine trade.

  9. ThundercatHo

    Great plan. But, I'll do you one better. Sample must be obtained with a catheter inserted into the urethra. Preferably one with spikes.

    1. Spurning Beer

      I think there is medical necessity to that plan. To make sure the urine is from the identified individual, it must be collected via cystoscope.

      The spikes are not technically necessary, but why not? They're Florida legislators, you know?

  10. freakishlywrong

    "Here in Florida, Rick Scott’s campaign promise of mass job creation is at least coming true for professional urine samplers."

    Not only is this funny, it's true, on several levels.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Maybe we should administer the citizenship test while we're at it. They should all be able to ace that, right?

      1. freakishlywrong

        He owned them, (Solantic), until there were teensy whispers that perhaps him passing this law was a tad inappropriate. THEN, he unloaded them to his wife, because everyone knows, married couples don't share the wealth.

        1. Gleem_McShineys

          because everyone knows, married couples don't share the wealth

          Joe Walsh is on line 2 for you. He was wondering if you'd like to become a star (witness)?

    1. FNMA

      Kind of.
      Scott owns clinics that would profit directly from drug testing. So, essentially, he's cutting out the middleman.

  12. Generation[redacted]

    I like this idea, and anyone who tests negative for marijuana should be immediately thrown out of office. Now where's that white house form to propose new laws on the Internetz?

  13. NorbertsRevenge

    This gives me starbursts.

    Just for good measure, put them all the same room and make them whiz at the same time. Each squatting over a little cup, boys too. While Susie Schmidt in a nurse's uniform glares at them.

    Here's another rude suggestion: why not also apply to the CEOs and shareholders of any contractor that does business with the government? aka recipients of corporate welfare.

    1. SoBeach

      That's a fantastic suggestion. If your company does bidness with the state, the taxpayers are entitled to know if you're on the dope.

      As for Hiaasen's proposal, I'd also like to see legislators subjected to random 2 p.m. breathalyzer tests, with the results posted on the internets.

  14. Beowoof

    I am in for donating to pay for this. And I agree with Baldar, I hope he gets back to writing the funny soon.

  15. smitallica

    Hey Rick, while you're at it, let's test and see just how many people in the PRIVATE sector are using drugs. Which, by the way reduces productivity and raises costs for me, the taxpayer.

    If it's less than 25%, I'll eat my hat.

  16. Weenus299

    Why not take this nationally? Everyone is given 4-ounce cups, everyone pees, everyone places filled 4-ounce cup next to one another along capitol steps, or wall street or some shit.

  17. Callyson

    Today, the FLA state legislators. Tomorrow, the House of Representatives. Next year, GOP voters…
    Now, if the Democrats turned this idea into a fundraiser, they'd have plenty of money in 2012…

    1. flamingpdog

      Plastic cups use precious oil in their manufacture. Jeb can help save money and the environment by cupping his hands instead.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    I just can't understand the logic of testing poor people for drugs. I never really got any good drugs until I had a job. I mean, I had to save up for several weeks to amass enough money for a lid from the paltry allowance my parents gave me when I was a kid. Now that I am in six-figures-ville, it's only the best, and all that I need, for me…

    1. SayItWithWookies

      It's not intended to solve any problems — just to heap scorn, stigma and derision on poor people. Because rewarding the rich seems like a hollow gesture unless you punish the underclass as well.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Yeah, but that was back then. Nowadays poor people have flatscreen color teevees, refrigerators, and warshin machines. And in places like Florida, Arizona and Texas, sometimes they have even battered, second-hand window air conditioners for one of the rooms of their house. And one time, I saw a guy get groceries with food stamps when just the week before I had seen him on his ratty porch drinking a beer. So of course they've got all sorts of money for drugs.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Hmmm, he looks like he might be one of them Nowegian Freedom Fighters now that you mention it. Hiaasen the Assassin.

  19. chicken_thief

    I'm sure with his ties to the industry Rick only does the good prescription shit. None of that street crap for him.

  20. fartknocker

    This is a great idea. What would be even better is to save all the urine from these whiz quizzes and when Dick Cheney drops dead we can pour the piss on his grave.

    Note to Rick Perry: If choose to do this in Texas, I strongly recommend you purchase the book "How to Pass The Urine Examination." It's available on your Kindle for $3.99. It will help you pass this exam.

  21. mumbly_joe

    I would assume this is a haha satirical ModestProposal, but no, that's actually a good idea. Why arent' we doing this?

  22. lulzmonger

    So … much … win …

    I predict the FLA pols will take him up on this – right after Piggly Wiggly opens a chain of restaurants in Mecca.

  23. spinozasgod

    Sadly over 70% of Floridians are in favor of drug testing the poors….after all it isn't THEM….although if you want to do a "deserving test" on people who are getting tax dollars why don't they drug test Social Security recipients? After all they are taking gummint moneez too, and also.

  24. Swampgas_Man

    Didn't Doonesbury come up w/ something like this a long time ago? "Friends, I have come to give SPECIMEN!"

  25. owhatever

    I am job-creating a private sector pee-switch corporation available. For a reasonable fee, I will accept bottles of pee of Republican legislators and dump it on their heads.

  26. lochnessmonster

    Okay Carl…you finally did it. I will go back and read all the books I missed since I finished Sick Puppy and Basket Case even though I am going through a Reading is for Losers faze right now. Got to help you pay for the Whizz-fest!

  27. RavenRant

    I think it's urgent that we immediately begin testing Rick Scott, everyone in his administration, and all Florida legislators for witchcraft.

    Toss 'em in the water. If they float, DEATH PENALTY! If they drown, meh.

    Then, on to Capitol Hill!

  28. AntonovBureau

    Umm, has anyone investigated if Rick Scott's little healthcare empire do drug testing? Even if not, I suspect there is lots of room in those drug testing fees for juicy commissions to be paid.

  29. Negropolis

    I think all of the poorz in Florida should get up to Tallahassee and piss all over the capitol steps…you know, for freedumbz, or something.

  30. Negropolis

    Michigan is doing something similar. It's now checking to make sure folks on assistance don't have any kind of car that could be considered reliable, because that now counts as "income." God forbid you're one of the new poorz (of which there are many in Michigan) with a car from the last decade, 'cause know you'll just be cut off. Students are also now mostly cut-off, even the ones with poor parents that can't send them money for food, which has had the effect of just moving students to taking out more loans which they won't ever be able to pay off given the job prospects, here, and that's if they make it through college in the first place.

  31. UnholyMoses

    Someone should start an online campaign to raise the funds … which, ironically, enough, would probably include money gained from the sale of illegal drugs.

    Of course, if the legislators refuse, we can use the money to buy drugs, thus completing the circle.

  32. SoBeach

    It would cost a mere $30,000 to $40,000 to give each Florida legislator four random drug tests per year.

    I PROMISE you there are more than 30,000 Floridians willing to kick in a buck each to make it happen.

  33. rahelio

    My money wasn't gained from selling, but I'd happily skip a week of "getting my medicine" to make these patriots piss in a cup.

  34. yrbmegr

    Some non-Floridians might also contribute. And we can set up a separate fund to pay for the prosecutions. FTW.

  35. RavenRant

    I consider him the victim in that travesty. The book was great. (As all of his books are.)

    Demi Moore is kryptonite to funny. Also, can't dance.

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