Maybe this is what Rand Paul looks like naked. Maybe Rand Paul is a never nude.Hm, let’s see, what normal, boring, uncontroversial public safety measure can some branch of the Paul family tree make hilarious through his comical lone opposition to “people not being incinerated in fiery explosions all the time?” This time: the entire Senate, nay, the entire world, is trying to expedite the passage of an industry-supported bill to make some baseline improvements on federal safety regulations for gas pipelines that keep blowing up, but Rand “The Lesser” Paul just has to be the petulant pants-hating clown blocking All of Democracy to prove his standard-issue teatard point that a handful of human lives is a small price to pay for a couple dozen less federal regulators. 

The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

“Sen. Paul doesn’t think new regulations and the creation of dozens of bureaucratic positions should be swept through without sufficient debate and vote,” said his spokeswoman, Moira Bagley.

Paul has used his Senate privileges to put a hold on the Pipeline Transportation Safety Improvement Act of 2011, which blocks further action on the bill despite nearly unanimous bipartisan support in Congress for toughening federal regulations.

Meanwhile, the horrifying details of the report on the pipeline explosion in California last year that killed eight people and prompted the call for new federal regulations:

The [National Transportation Safety Board] found that the San Bruno explosion on Sept. 9, 2010, was inevitable because a seam weld in the pipeline would have failed even a visual inspection when it was installed by PG&E in 1956. The board also found that PG&E failed for more than 50 years to conduct an inspection that would have detected it, compounded the danger by poor record keeping and finally botched a repair and failed to recognize what had happened until the neighborhood was in flames.

It gets said every once in a while, but it’s probably time to think again about reforming Senate privilege rules, maybe, oh just maybe? [San Francisco Chronicle]

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  • Oblios_Cap

    Someone that hates pants likes gas explosions? Color me unsurprised.

    • LiveToServeYa

      Yes, you'd think he be all for pants to protect others from his explosive gas. But I guess being a libertarian means you have negative empathy.

  • AlterNewt

    Prommie is right. These people are self-snarking.

    • MARCdMan

      Self-snarking to people with a modicum of brains. Unfortunately this is the US where even that is lacking, hence these fools get legitimately elected to press their idiotic agendas.

      • baconzgood

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA "legitimately elected". That's rich.

  • Goonemeritus

    If you criminalize substandard weld integrity only criminals will have …..

    • AlterNewt

      That's gonna take up the whole bumper.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Needz moar human bar-b-ques. Love, Rand Donner.

  • edgydrifter

    The blowed-up people can individually sue the multinational energy conglomerates for damages, uh, unless those tort reform provisions go through… so, hey! They can choose not to buy gas from the companies that are incinerating their children. Yeah! Free Market RULZ!!

    • Nothingisamiss

      'Xactly. If the people in California wanted safety inspections that they didn't know were non existent, they could've used another company (although, no, they couldn't have) and that would have FORCED the energy conglomerate to listen to the concerns of small number of people, and this wouldn't have happened.

      Stupid consumers for picking the wrong company. Why, they could've FORCED regulations!

  • spinozasgod

    Fire good…..

  • MildMidwesterner

    Re: alt text

    I can't confirm whether or not Rand Paul is a never nude, but I can say that he once blue himself to get an acting job.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Isn't he a licensed analrapist?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Licensed? Geez, the gubmint regulates EVERYTHING!

  • Doktor Zoom

    If people choose to live near a gas pipeline, they should inspect the pipeline themselves. Why do we need a federal nanny state to do it for them?

    BRB; I live in the flight path of an airport, and I need to go make sure the planes landing there don't have any loose rivets.

    • genxr

      It's like Grover Norquist said, "Show me a man with a conceal carry permit, backhoe, and high pressure testing equipment, and I'll show you a man who doesn't need the government for anything."

    • Nothingisamiss

      Shit, doctor, I didn't even think of this. Why is it even the company's responsibility to respond to big government safety regulations at all?!

      The free market will solve all our problems!!

    • yrbmegr

      And everyone can compute the trajectory of falling satellites, obv.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That should be the job of the private corporation that launched the satellite to monitor the ozone layer.

        • spinozasgod

          but only if they want to……

        • Jukesgrrl

          "Most of the time" the pieces fall into the ocean. That's all you need to know.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    I guess there are no gas pipelines running through his state.

    • SexySmurf

      I hope there's one running underneath his house.

    • Geminisunmars

      And very few arteries running through his cranium.

    • valgal2342

      but we blow off mountain tops!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Maybe he needed to consult the Oracle at Aqua Buddha before granting his consent.

  • why is he in his underwear?

    • SayItWithWookies

      The free market hasn't put on his pants yet.

      • Geminisunmars

        Does not want to impede the invisible hand.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Uh-oh … is that a cellphone in his hands?

  • orygoon

    A real man of the people, by the people–oh, somebody help me out. And by that, I mean dig a deep hole and push this guy into it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      A man disposed OF, BY and FOR the people.

  • comrad_darkness

    But, but, our corporate overlords love us and want us to be happy.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Yeah, I hope Santorum explodes all over this pompous fuckface.

  • Lascauxcaveman
    • comrad_darkness

      Needz moar coverage.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Wait just A MINUTE there, missy. This is the world's greatest deliberative body we're talking about here. "Reforming Senate privilege rules," indeed. Rand Paul would walk through a wall of fire (from a burst gas pipeline in an ideal world) wearing a gasoline suit before he would stand for that. And all of us fervently wish that he would.

  • orygoon

    I have to go to Texas next week. When all of my friends ask me where is a safe haven for them to flee to, the first thing I will tell them is "not Kentucky".

    • Nothingisamiss

      Has Kentucky ever been someone's safe haven?

      • Mahousu

        General Buell and the Army of the Ohio during the early Civil War?

      • Negropolis

        Well, eastern Kentucky has been the refuge of every moonshiner ever to exist. They should just call it Far West Virginia. Seriously, the place is still pretty lawless.

  • Indiepalin

    Senator Paul also opposes job-killing federal regulations that would limit moonshine explosions at the State's hundreds of thousands of stills, thus protecting the constitution.

    • PsycWench

      And that isn't even counting the meth labs.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        When you criminalize meth labs, only criminals have meth labs.
        So let's make 'em legal. The same seedy scumbags will operate them, but now you get to call them "entrepreneurs" and" job creators"!

  • Paul stands for RESPONSIBILITY!!!

    PG&E should be getting an award for installing a pipeline that worked flawlessly for 50 years. Besides, the blame should go with the residents – who needs a "government" inspector when you can just pickup the phone and call when you smell gas in your neighborhood!!!

    • grex1949

      Except for the pesky fact that the odorizer added to natural gas leaches out before the gas reaches the surface if the leaking line is buried sufficiently deep underground.

      • That's it – try to confuse everyone with some "science"!!!

      • bagofmice

        Ah sulfur dioxide. Water helps to capture it.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Who, exactly, are these people calling again?

    • nanooknw

      Who ya gonna call…if the rabid bunny of the apocalypse has anything to do with it.
      There will be no one to call.

  • but Rand “The Lesser” Paul just has to be the petulant pants-hating clown blocking All of Democracy

    …the petulant pants-hating prick cock-blocking All of Democracy, perhaps?

  • Mojopo

    Dear God – it's me Mojopo. Please give me severe gastric distress and strand me in an elevator with Rand Paul for hours. I want him to see what a leaking pipeline is really all about. I will eat as many cantaloupes and black beans as it takes.

    • Oblios_Cap

      As long as they're not Colorado Cantaloupes. Thos Coloradans don't want no FDA inspectors to keep the listreria out of your food.

      • On the other hand, decaying corpses emit all sorts of gases, and if Rand Paul was stranded in an elevator with one for hours and hours…

        • Jukesgrrl

          And a decaying corpse that was burned to a crisp pre-mortem must smell extra-libertarian.

          • AmericanBeauty

            What we call the "crispy critter."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, at least these citizens can take comfort that their Freedom™ and Liberty™ were not impinged upon, as they and their house are blown to kingdom come.

    Dick. Head.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Personally, I think a grown man who wears his boy-shorts on TV is more of a … Poopy. Head.

  • It's a great day in Wonkette!

    Paul wants to assert that business will efficiently self-regulate because it's in their interest. How? Presumably because they don't want lose customers due to bad publicity after an explosion. Like gas companies have to worry about losing customers. Or because they don't want to get sued. But they hate lawsuits, trial lawyers and love "tort reform".

    Instead of industry-wide safety requirements framed by democratically elected representatives, the Randianites would rather let a jury of twelve or "the market" decide what is malfeasance and its cost/value. This is where someone brings up McDonalds hot coffee. (That story is more complicated than a crazed jury BTW.)

    • grex1949

      See for a fair presentation of the issues in the so-called "MacDonald's Coffee Case, an urban legend of mythic proportions.

    • mumbly_joe

      Instead of industry-wide safety requirements framed by democratically elected representatives, the Randianites would rather let a jury of twelve government-imposed statutary caps that limit the amount of damages someone can claim […] decide what is malfeasance and its cost/value.

      FTFY. Randianism has nothing to do with liberty to live free of coerscion, and even less to do with the market operating free of interference. It's simply about maximizing profits for business while eliminating any responsibility they have not to poison and kill the people around them. And using the power of law to accomplish this, when the aforementioned principles would point a different direction.

  • chascates

    Death by a horrible conflagration is faster than death by a thousand regulations. And far, far more painful.

  • powersuit

    Let's say 80 of the 100 senators live and breath for their special bullshit privileges, because they're "protecting democracy" or "integral to careful consideration" or whatever other hogwash emanates from the mouths of McConnell and Reid (sorry Ds). It must be in the air there. The irony, of the non-hipster variety, is that Rand Paul loves this crap. Mr. "outside-the-beltway", Mr. "rulebreaker", Mr. "I'm such a Libertarian individual that I WILL wear shorts with my blazer and tie". What a tosser.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Aquabuddha didn't want gas pipe lines to explode, they wouldn't explode. End of discussion.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Could Aquabuddha create a stream so deep that he could not breathe?

  • Mahousu

    Seems to me like the free market is handling this just fine. All the pipelines that are defective, sooner or later they blow up and people stop using them. Give the invisible hand enough time, and all we'll be left with are good pipelines.

    Plus a few hundred craters scattered around the country, but maybe we can turn them into tourist attractions or something.

    • Geminisunmars

      "but maybe we can turn them into tourist attractions or something." Mass graves already dug for us.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Paul has the backing of the Funeral Directors of America.

    • Jukesgrrl

      You have very creative ideas. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • He's got the legs to match the chicken brain.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Next thing you know, government is going to want to regulate doctors, to make sure they are competent. And then we are truly a Communist dictatorship.

  • HistoriCat

    Kirsten – can we all agree that "Rand Paul" and "nude" should never EVER appear in the same sentence? KTHXBAI

  • baconzgood

    I'm with R.P. on this one. EXPLOSIONS KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!

    • mereoblivion

      As Edgar Montrose used to say: Ka-BOOOOM!

  • paris biltong

    He wants things to be just like in Nigeria. Keeps the population growth down.

  • What part of "unanimous bipartisan support" don't you understand?


  • chicken_thief

    This is good news for the Department of Education and the EPA!!! Now if a R wins the WH the National Transportation Safety Board will become their new whipping boy. Get yer food stamps now, NTSB employees! Ha, ha, like they'll still be around in a "free market" USA!

  • mereoblivion

    "Oils well that Rands swell."
    (Didn't Shakespeare say that? Lemme go check.)

  • x111e7thst

    What's his stand on exploding blimps?

  • Give him liberty and give him meth.

  • OneYieldRegular

    He will not go behind his father's saying
    And he likes having thought of it so well
    He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

  • Doogie_Fresh

    "…it’s probably time to think again about reforming Senate privilege rules…" — not until the Democrats are in the minority again. THEN the R's will enact Senate rule changes "nuking" the filibuster and the "individual Senator hold" priviledge. Gawd, why won't Harry Reid just do this now?!

  • Lucidamente1

    I look at that photo, and after throwing up in my mouth, think "Rand Paul: The Wonkette Interview."

  • PsycWench

    Isn't one senator blocking an effort with bipartisan support sort of, I don't know, not in the spirit of the Constitution?
    My daughter had a homework assignment about the Constitution that I helped with, and I swear to God I had forgotten that part about the common welfare.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Easy enough to do when you're one of the commoners.

  • prommie

    Its against our Constitutional Liberties to require safety standards for pipelines! Building codes are a restriction on our precious liberties! Food safety regulations are slavery! No more public roads, no more public parks!

    See, you cannot parody this massive dipshit, because he truly, honestly, really would agree with all of these batshit insane statements.

    • Beowoof

      This type of stuff has been damaging to the Onion. With such dumb shit pouring out of their pie holes, real headlines now appear as if they are from the Onion,.

      • prommie

        I'm scared.

        • Tommmcattt

          It's okay, Prom, there's always scotch and TV…

        • Beowoof

          Oh believe me, what is scary is the number of people that I work with in a public institution that think the bullshit these guys are running is damn sensible stuff. They are literally voting themselves out of their jobs. Retirement, probably before they fuck me in the next contract.

    • yrbmegr

      We must protect our First Amendment freedom of explosion.

  • proudgrampa

    Of COURSE companies can regulate themselves and implement safety procedures.

    Tell that to the people of Bhopal.

    The Senator is a Dick.

  • orygoon

    Wait–isn't this the ophthalmologist who, when the real accrediting agency for that kind of doc was about to unaccredit him, made up his own accrediting "authority"? So he wasn't really board certified.

    I can see why he has a problem with "inspectors" and that sort of thing.

  • bureaucrap

    His commitment to industrial safety is why he named his kid "Bo"

    (get it? Bhopal? Thank you ladies and gents, I'll be here all week.).

    • Indiepalin

      Like when, back in the eighties, Dodger second baseman Steve Sax named his son after starter Orel Hersheiser.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Hey, show me where it says ANYTHING about regulating gas pipelines in the Constitution, libtards!

    • yrbmegr

      Right in there where it talks about not wearing pants.

  • Not_So_Much

    In his defense, he probably thought this was a whole different kind of "laying pipe"…

  • prommie

    I guess I need to translate this, you see, I am the Libertarian Whisperer, I can hear what they are really saying, what they are thinking, when they emit these insane sounds. "Who are they to tell me I'm too dumb to go to medical school, I'll show those motherfuckers who turned me down, and those fuckers who sneered at my Carribean Med School degree, ha ha, I am a senator now, you fuckers, noone can tell me what I can and can't do anymore, fuck all of you."

    Its all very personal to this little peckerhead dipshit.

    • FNMA

      I have, unfortunately, met a number of libertarians of this ilk and every single one of them is a loser who blames his (they are exclusively white males) inability to hold his shit together with Crazy Glue on parasites who lack the vision to recognize their singular genius.
      In other words, peckerhead dipshits.

    • fuflans

      so right prommie.

  • It gets said every once in a while, but it’s probably time to think again about reforming Senate privilege rules, maybe, oh just maybe?

    You must be one of those terrorist supporting Amerikkka haters who endorse class war.

  • fartknocker

    I guess Senator Abercrombie & Fitch Pants Man apparently forgot why the Office of Pipeline Safety was created. OPS was spun off from the Department of Transportation because of the June, 1999 incident in Bellingham, WA in which 250,000 gallons of gasoline leaked from a pipeline and ignited, killing 3 people, destroyed 11 buildings and damaged 1 1/2 miles of a creek.

    I find it amazing that these Teatards think they are experts on the Constitution but can't cite the basis and reason for Federal safety programs. Senator Fashion Statement is probably against the Mine Safety and Health Administration because a few Kentucky coal miners with black lung disease is just the cost of doing business. An offshore platform has a fire, explosion and dumps a 1 million barrels of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico is in the words of Rick Perry, "an act of God."

    • genxr

      because a few every single one of them over the age of 40 Kentucky coal miners with black lung disease is just the cost of doing business.


      • rocktonsam

        job creators

        • Jukesgrrl

          Yes, not only do they create jobs for the medical profession, they also create jobs for lawyers since every one of them has to sue to get his benefits.

  • owhatever

    It's a great day for Big Oil!

    Boom, baby, boom.

  • Flat_Earther

    People have the right tho blow themselves up. It is not good government to stand in the way. If a pipeline blows up the market will fix it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It's okay if a few people die — Rand Paul is doing what he thinks is right. And we all know that's more important than doing what's sensible or clearly necessary.

  • DahBoner

    I see Rand Paul follows the Maestro's advice, and never puts his pants on until the last minute.

    Who likes wrinkled pants on a Billionaire Shill, huh?

  • DaRooster

    "People, just keep your nose open."

    Fewer regulations NOW!

    • Jukesgrrl

      And when you smell gas, call ….? Rand Paul??

  • US America needz moar Wyatt's Torch, obvs.

  • CommieLibunatic

    Besides the obvious reason of "to keep us in positions of power and wealth, suckas," why should we even elect these guys who want to erode the government again?


  • poncho_pilot

    needs an itemized list of everyone who died in the explosion and why it's their own damn fault because they paid into social security or their sister is a librarian or they have a drivers license, etc.

    oh wait! this is real life and not an Ayn Rand novel. go fuck yourself, Paul.

  • spinozasgod

    the photo answers the etrnal question….boxers or briefs……thank god it's not commando…..

  • Someone needs to put a hold on Rand's windpipe.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I sent this tip to Wonkette.

    Do I get a "H/T?"

    Not yet…

    • Jukesgrrl

      I tip my Che beret to you, comrade.

  • DaRooster

    I think Rand should go look for leaks in gas lines himself… best way is with a lighter at night.

  • Do the Senate rules say only Republicans can block a bill? I've never heard of a Democrat doing it.

    • glamourdammerung

      Reid and Baucus blocked Social Security privatization during the Bush administration.

  • fuflans

    this is kinda off topic, but back on guy fawkes day i went to a party that suggested you bring effigies you wanted to burn.

    i brought that picture of rand on a popsicle stick.

    oh wait! and he burned!! so not OT at all…

  • ttommyunger

    So, would that block he put on this legislation by chance be a Koch-Block?

  • rocktonsam

    Krusty the Klown never hated pants.

  • Nostrildamus

    Hey Rand, the "freedom to blow shit up" is not in the constitution.

  • valgal2342

    Now you're talkin' about my state….oh wait….outside of Louisville, (Go Cards!)…well, ok you're right.

  • Troubledog

    A hundred years ago, when poorly maintained public works claimed the lives of Americans, they would turn to their church for support. I just don't see a need for more job killing regulations here.

    Those people could have chosen not to live near a natural gas pipeline, but they knew the risks. They could live in another place without utilities if they want to be safer so it's their choice and they assume the risks. If you want to live in a city, things like this will happen, but it doesn't mean we should all pay more for utilities just because a few people got set on fire.

    I mean, more people were killed by dog attacks last year and you don't see anybody running around about new dog regulations.

    Does it to you?

  • Negropolis

    Pants are just slavery for your ambulatory appendages. Down with pants; up with invisible handjobs.

  • lulzmonger

    Aqua Buddha needs to call his disciple home.

    Gas leaks out, homes blow up – you can't explain that … as long as you know nothing about just how mercenary & cold-blooded energy conglomerates are, I mean.

  • Jukesgrrl

    In the winter Dr. Senator switches to MC Hammer pants. Can't touch that.

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