Rick Perry Makes Up Convenient Story of Teabagger Persecution (VIDEO)

  history is now fixed

Rick Perry put on his best mom shirt and sweat all over the stage as he performed in a severe, drooling twang the Tea Party’s most cherished political tradition, the factually false re-telling of historical events. Here he is making up things about the original Boston Tea Party, telling everybody that “there was a time in this country when people were afraid to go out in public. You go back to Boston in the 1770s and people had to disguise themselves,” which is not, of course, actually the case. Our money’s on “Rick Perry conveniently confused Tea Party mythology with the popular narrative of persecution suffered by early Christians for political gain,” but that’s as much as we’re going to think about it. What does someone else have to say?

Oh good, Matt Yglesias explains:

Contrary to Perry’s assertion, nobody was “afraid to walk around in public” in colonial Boston out of “fear that they’d be persecuted” for objecting to high taxes. What actually happened was that “disguised men and others then went on board the tea-ships moored at Griffin’s Wharf, and in the course of three hours they emptied three hundred and forty-two chests of tea into the water of the harbor.” Apparently not all the tea partiers actually did wear disguises at all, but clearly the point of wearing disguises wasn’t generalized fear of public expression of dissent but specific fear that acts of vandalism were illegal. For all that’s changed in the subsequent 230 years, this aspect of American life is basically the same. People who want to protest peacefully do so freely, people who want to destroy other people’s property are more likely to wear masks.

[YouTube/Matt Yglesias]

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399 comments

    1. salt_bagel

      With the expansion of insults that specify other parts of the douche, such as "douchenozzle", I have taken to simply using the term "douchepiece".

    2. tessiee

      "In Texas, they wear plastic bags to hide in public. "

      Also to replace the glass in the broken window of their truck.

  1. Crank_Tango

    Oddly enough, Marcus B. likes to wear a feathered mardi gras mask when he goes out teabagging. Someone should tell him it's unnecessary, and tickles.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Most of us ain't gettin' close enough to Marcus to care, hon. You got something you wanna share with the class?

  2. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    So the take away is Palin, Perry and Bachmann all enrolled in the same history course at the Ronald Reagan College of Bob Jones University.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            It is sort of hard to tell, but generally yes.

            Hard to tell only in the sense that from the Aggies I've met, a C student might be the damn valedictorian. Even if someone was capable of As, they'd be shunned by the student body as a damned elitist.

      1. Terry

        The Aggies have a similar problem to that at Duke or UVa. You have two different universes existing on the same campus. In one universe, you have really good programs. In the TAMU case, it's in areas such as engineering and agriculture. The other universe, however, is populated with the spoiled offspring of wealthy people and legacy admissions. Heck, you can say that about the Ivies, as well. George W Bush on the Yale campus. There were good, challenging programs at Yale in those years, but Georgie wasn't in them. He was riding the legacy/money train. Same thing at A&M.

        I actually went to grad school at A&M. The thing that most embarasses me about that school, other than the horses asses who walk around campus in pink jodpuhrs and carry swords, is that some weathy graduates (called former students there, not alumni) objected to the journalism department on the grounds that it breeds liberals, so the University dissolved the department. I'm not kidding. There are some individual great profs there and strong programs, but overall the place is a frickin cesspool.

    1. Terry

      I think that Palin, Perry, and Bachmann would have been too crazy for the Gipper, too. I was against pretty much everything he did, but he was a lot more pragmatic than this bunch.

  3. Captain_Quark

    There was a time in this country when adults wandered about in costumes, pretending to be something they weren't and yelping loudly about all manner of things. Some were Teabaggers, others were furries, and none of them were ashamed to be making fools of themselves.

    1. fuflans

      personally i think they were probably scared of paul revere careening all over ringin that bell for freedom.

      1. flamingpdog

        Really, here these guys were trying to sneak onto this ship at night to dump tea into the harbor without getting caught, and Paul Revere was riding around waking up everybody in town ringing his damn bell!

          1. V572 Moon!

            I'm not much of a gun guy, but it seems it would be pretty difficult to reload a flintlock pistol while riding horseback at night, while also ringin' those bells and holdin that lantern. Of course in addition to being a silversmith Revere was a patriot, so he probably had 15 or 20 pistols, all loaded and cocked, hanging on his belt, as was the custom at that time.

          2. Negropolis

            Colbert tried just that on his show to no success. Well, unless you consider uproarious laughter a success…which I would.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    And that's why white Southerners had to wear sheets over their heads to keep from being oppressed by the newly-freed slaves.

    1. snoopyfan2010

      But now after 200 years of oppression they can show their true colors (or lack thereof). I'm so proud to be an American.

    2. Negropolis

      In fact, they were so persectuted they had to hold their church services at night, and the only way to see anyone was to burn a cross for illumination.

  5. memzilla

    Funny that Gov. Goodhair brings up the "people had to disguise themselves" riff: the NYPD reached back to an 1845 New York City law, which prohibited wearing masks on the street, to arrest demonstrators at the War on Wall Street demonstrations.

          1. tessiee

            We wear the mask that grins and lies,
            That shades our cheeks and hides our eyes,
            But let the let the world dream otherwise,
            We wear the mask.

        1. user-of-owls

          If you love Erving Goffman so much why haven't you used his name in any of the "You know who else…" posts, hmm?

    1. comrad_darkness

      If I wear a mask that is actually an accurate representation of my own face, can I go to jail for that?

    2. Emily Spankhurst

      I'm pretty sure that law follows something like Federal law of the day. Even twenty/thirty years after the Haitian Revolution they was afeared teh blacks would kill everyone in they beds.

    3. V572 Moon!

      What? There were demonstrators on Wall Street? Haven't read about it in the papers or heard about it on NPR.

  6. Tommmcattt

    …And they always leave out this little point: The original tea-party was protesting because they couldn't sell tea without a stamp on it from the crown- only the authorized royal suppliers could buy the stamp to put on their barrels.

    In short, the original tea party was protesting so that they could be taxed

    1. flamingpdog

      Colonists doing battle against the world's largest corporation at the time, the East India Company, which incidentally was in bed financially with King George and many if not most members of Parliament.
      Think we could ever convince today's Tea Partiers to do the same thing?

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Judging by Craigslist during CPAC, some of them are definitely interested in getting into a king-sized bed with George, or Rick, or what-have-you.

      2. NewtsChicknNeck

        it depends. would the east india co.'s taxes be raised at all? and if so, would those tax proceeds be used to educate the children of the teabaggers?

        because if the answers to either of those questions is "yes," then hell no, teabaggers would never abide to see taxes raised on any person–even if that "person" is really just a stack of papers filed in some government bureaucrat's office.

  7. Barb

    Look at all those people in firefighter costumes in your state Rick. They are helping the real people who are afraid to go outside, your fellow Texans.

    1. neiltheblaze

      Now Barb – you wouldn't be asking him to govern, would you? He's a busy man – becoming a national laughingstock is full time work!

  8. emmelemm

    There that Matt Yglesias goes, applying actual historical fact, along with logic and reasoned analysis. That'll never do!

  9. prommie

    I wonder if I could get some teabagger role-play sex if I wore a tri-corn hat to a 'bagger rally? Hopefully with something like that O'Donnel chick, god, not the old Hoverround ladies.

    1. flamingpdog

      Damn, why didn't I think of wearing a tricorn hat when I went to check out Xine O'Donnell at her Barnes & Noble book signing??

    1. SorosBot

      He would do anything for votes, but he won't do that? Wait, I don't think there is anything Perry won't do for votes; he just isn't very competent at his pandering.

    2. SorosBot

      And he does come from the batshit insane branch of fundamentalist Christianity that is actually literally praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive.

  10. El Pinche

    As a man ashamed of his own state and Gov. Bozo Barbie, I want a disguise. This guy is dumber than Dubya.

    1. Rotundo_

      He truly is Dubya lite. If anyone would have told me that there was a more incompetent Tejan waiting in the wings, that would make Dubya look like an intellectual I would have laughed and laughed. Now I shiver in horror that TAMU may just be a hatchery for these maggots and we'll see more of them crowing around like Monty Python's Gumby with a fucking drawl.

    2. PalinzADummy

      Hard to believe, innit? I thought Dubya represented the absolute nadir to which American politicians could fall.

    3. grex1949

      I would add that this asshat stands zero chance of election to the presidency, except that's what I said about W in 1999, so I'm not going to say it. That is all.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    This guy is barely conscious of the fact that John Wayne wasn't at the Alamo. What the FUCK is he doing talking about the history of a state he barely knows is in the Northeast and a country he wants to secede from? Assclown.

  12. Sue4466

    The other thing that hasn't changed: people who want to get away will illegal conduct still try to blame it on the browns or reds or otherwise nonwhites.

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      No, literacy is necessary for teleprompter reading. thankfully wireless earbud technology is advancing at a rate to make steve jobs blush.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I think having one at a party would be a blast. The daily rental fee would be well worth it. Go for it, Balder. Don't forget to tape a racist sign on the back for authenticity.

  13. SorosBot

    There was a time in this country when people were afraid to go out in public, but it was much more recent than 1770, and it was because they were afraid they'd be persecuted if they looked at someone with lighter skin than then in the wrong way; by being lynched; and an even more recent time, in some areas still ongoing, where certain couples were afraid to go out in public, because they also could be persecuted by being beaten simple for being a couple, possibly to death; but the average teabagger didn't really have a problem with either of those situations.

  14. OC_Surf_Serf

    c'mon Rick, get your history correct…it's "One, if by lowering taxes, and Two, if by cutting spending".

  15. SexySmurf

    I predict in the near future, Michele Obama's anti-obesity campaign will force children, who want candy, to disguise themselves and go door-to-door, in the cover of night, and beg strangers for the illicit sweet treats.

  16. HistGuy

    Plus, they were protesting *lower* taxes. They were angry that the tax on tea had gone *down*, which cut into smuggling profits.

    Douchebags.

  17. Goonemeritus

    Apparently you can show your face to the nation if you are a 300Lbs Teabagger’s. In fact if you have a third grade grasp of the Constitution you can get on all network and cable news outlets. But don’t try that if you’re a earnest looking intern bringing up the fact that hedge fund managers are compensated thousands of times more than the average American and are paying tax rates half that of a college teacher.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Think: Hour 1: "What is behind the steady decline in health benefits and retirement pensions for American workers? We’ll talk this hour with Wall Street Journal investigative reporter Ellen E. Schultz who has been covering the issue for over a decade. Her new book on the subject is “Retirement Heist: How Companies Plunder and Profit from the Nest Eggs of American Workers” (Portfolio, 2011).

      Audio will be available after the show."

      Think is available with podcasts at kera.org. Was a great and chilling show. I will never be able to retire.

  18. LettucePrey

    Three wars back we called Sauerkraut "liberty cabbage" and we called liberty cabbage "super slaw" and back then a suitcase was known as a "Swedish lunchbox." Of course, nobody knew that but me. Anyway, "long story short" is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling. Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Glad you liked 'em. I've always had a particular weakness for:

            "…and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips."

        1. GunToting[Redacted]

          I never thought I'd be able to shoot down a German plan. But last year, I proved myself wrong.

      1. Blueb4sunrise

        Back atcha.
        Yeah, I was gonna make a lame' oops, wrong thread' joke, then decided it wasn't necessary.

  19. jus_wonderin

    I am pleased as punch that Rick "Assclown" Perry is getting his twat hammered. I very much dislike this guy. Such a total fake.

  20. elviouslyqueer

    I'm sorry, but I can't watch this drawling hickish baboon. Besides that, if I wanted to watch something that would make my IQ drop into negative territory, I'd just rewatch Nancy Grace on DWTS.

    1. Rosie_Scenario

      No, not Hallowe'en. That there is a pagan (or Papist) holiday. Let's call it "Fall Festival" instead.

      1. tessiee

        "Let's call it "Fall Festival" instead."

        Ironically, the same people who would really think/say that clutch their pearls over "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas".

  21. genxr

    I'm just thankful that today we live in a country where we can board a ship and dump its cargo into the harbor without disguising ourselves out of fear of persecution.

    1. user-of-owls

      So true! Well, as long as we either own or rent the boat. And that the prevailing laws governing disposal of waste at sea are somehow deemed inapplicable. And especially, that we're not Muslim.

      So under those circumstances, yes, we are absolutely free from any need for disguise! Yay us!

    2. bagofmice

      As a bag enthusiast, can I request that the cargo be pre-wrapped into single servings? Tea bagging just isn't the same with those loose leaves.

  22. Eve8Apples

    What is it with Teabaggers and their fascination with dressing up in costumes? I haven't seen this much obsessing over costumes since RuPaul's drag queen competition.

        1. tessiee

          Actually, you, Meghan, and I are all incorrect.
          George Bush is not, in fact, on crack.
          He's a cokehead and a drunk.

          *hand wave*
          Carry on.

  23. baconzgood

    History Smishtory. You know Tea Party people, those who don't know thier history are….um…Let's see how does that saying go? Oh Yeah those who don't know history shame on you….If you know your history…..You can't get fooled again?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Those who don't know history are condemned to repeat it. And Perry had to repeat history 3 times before they let him graduate.

      (Precambrian era joke? Yes, yes, but what can I say: I have a weakness for the classics.)

  24. flamingpdog

    The stupid … the STOOOOOPIDJesus, it hurts my brain.!!1!! Screw the masks, can we just permanently stuff giant dildos in the mouths of people like Perry? Where's my gorilla glue?

      1. samsuncle

        Two Brits who came to America in the 1700's, settled in Georgia and later signed the Declaration of Independence. You may be related to them.

      2. SorosBot

        Button Gwinnitt is a robot guide and guard at the National Archives, programmed after the 2nd man to sign the Declaration of Independence.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      This is true, but if they scooted around in public they'd look like my cat does when he gets out of the litter box.

  25. starfanglednut

    I am really sick of the baggers blathering on about the Boston Tea Party in one breath, and in the next, deriding my state as being a hot bed of taxes, gay marriage, and elites. I am also sick of being branded as an elite by billionaires. And another thing…

    *Doctor enters room, administers chloroform

      1. jus_wonderin

        Again, you are living my dream. I guess, however, I am living somebody else's dream. I work for a computer game company.

        Dang the choices of youth. I want to act. Good luck at the shoot. (This doesn't involve guns, right? Just checking.)

        1. mumbly_joe

          Definitely my dream! Of course, I'm stagnating in an admin assistant position at a hospital, while nursing ever-increasingly far-fetched aspirations of breaking from my holding pattern and finally going to med school. So…

          Actually, no. That's nobody's dream.

        2. Lascauxcaveman

          You guys could always join up with your local amateur theatricals group. Who knows, you might get lucky and join one that likes to go out drinking after rehearsals.

    1. Schmannnity

      Coincidentally, during the Boston Tea Party, people living where Rick/Jim Perry patriotically claim as his own were known as Mexicans.

  26. fuflans

    every time i read a republican candidate story i get the urge to listen to the dead kennedys.

    well, or ru paul.

  27. Poindexter718

    "Come a time in this country, not so long ago, ya wanted to rob a bank, and ya had to disguise yerself–put panty hose on yer head or a ski mask or somesuch–for fear of persecution.
    "Did you ever try and go out in the West Texas heat, faars burnin' all round ya, in a dadgum ski mask? Ever try and pop a cap in a bank guard with a pair of Leggs on yer head, messin' up yer hair? No sir, ain't right.."

    1. jus_wonderin

      Thing is, it took 5 earnest attempts for Perry to realize he needed to disquise his face and not his legs.

      1. Poindexter718

        Not to mention the gun tottin' menace's confusion when he realized he bought opaque instead of sheer and "couldn't see a lick."

    2. poncho_pilot

      "I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House."

  28. lochnessmonster

    Would it be real purdy if lightening hit that metal podium? What are they thinking having that outside?

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      Sounds good to me, who needs history, math, and science in 21st century Baptistan. Hmm, this secession stuff is starting to make some sense.

  29. Radiotherapy®

    My favorite part of this history through the prism of ignorance is the fact that everyone of those original "patriots" was and would be considered today, a radical liberal.
    Same with Jeebus.

    1. bagofmice

      Seriously. Dude was handing out free booze and health care. To the poors and lepers even. Sounds like a god-damned samaritin to me.

    1. Negropolis

      You know, if they'd just remove the price tag off of him and that christmas tree air freshener, he might have a chance.

  30. Mort_Sinclair

    Comforting to know that Perry has the same authoritative command of history that Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann have. Must be some newfangled Republican thing where we just make up historyshit to suit our ideology & agenda. Just waiting for the one of these bozos to tell us that Hitler wasn't persecuting Jooz, he was saving the world from terrorist Moozlims.

  31. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    In the end, though, not knowing history probably just proves Perry is in fact the one most in line with the Tea Party movement.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Seriously, there are people in America that value being stupid as shit as a viable quality in a Presidential candidate?

  32. HempDogbane

    When I agreed to be Diego Rivera for Halloween this year, no one told me busting some shit up was a requirement.

  33. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else made up stuff about US History to suck up to a bunch of ill informed people?

  34. fuflans

    wow and NOW npr is covering a town hall in – wait for it – an non bagger district (danny davis).

    this is weird.

  35. mumbly_joe

    To be fair, even with the pretty racist disguises, the Boston Tea Party folks didn't manage to be all that secretive in the end, what with Paul Revere ringing those bells, and firing those warning shots, the whole time, to warn the British that the Sons of Liberty were breaking onto their ships.

    1. genxr

      I know the new season of Sons of Liberty just starting, but do you think Jax is going to finally take over the motorcycle club?

      1. bagofmice

        I'm seeing Metal Gear Solid crossed with Mortal Kombat. If you run with the metal arms you could go with a Deus Ex reference….

      1. emmelemm

        Sort of like the "I was carjacked by a scary black man and he kidnapped my chirruns!" or the "Obama supporters carved some backwards letters into my face, ay-up!" … is that what you mean?

  36. Wonderthing

    Cinderella looked at the the gingerbread house and knew a witch was inside. When the bell rang, she jumped a horse and pulled her guns out and began to shoot the orcs who were oppressing her. She left a glass slipper nailed to the wall of the slave cabin where she was born as a signal that no one should think she would consent to be taxed without her consent. And so, a legend was born.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      If you're going to pull a long excerpt from her book like that, you're supposed attribute. Sarah Palin has lawyers, you know.

  37. Papa_Uniform

    As my old Texas Grandma used to say, "That boy ain't got enuff sense to pour pee outta a boot". Never understood exactly what that meant 'til Rick came along.

  38. littlebigdaddy

    I'm not impressed. Everyone knows you need way more flipcharts/chalkboards and crazier shouting to convince people.

  39. soojank

    Very OT, as always, but I just got an email telling me that my (tiny, dirty hippie, liberal arts) college now has a Young Americans for Liberty chapter or whatever which I'm assuming is some sort of paultard thing. Considering walking by the meeting just to see who to avoid at all costs and/or lecture about freedom and self reliance if they ask for help.

    Or maybe, it's just dumbasses who think libertarian = fiscal conservative/social liberal. facepalm.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Going by history, liberals are the best fiscal conservatives there are; a "fiscal conservative" that decides to make structural cuts to the tax system using the excuse of a small temporary surplus, then cuts taxes further while starting two simultaneous wars isn't, who'd have thought. Nor is deliberately creating fiscal crises in order to carve away at the social safety net. "Conservative", in the context of "fiscal" matters, connotes (or should connote) being small-c conservative with a budget's balance sheet. Because that's what fiscal means.

      More common are libertarians who consider themselves "economic conservatives", on the other hand, which is often used to connote supply-sider/trickle-down/Laffer-curve nonsense. The problem here, of course, is this means calling someone an economic conservative and social liberal is fundamentally incoherent: economic policies are inherently social policies as well, as economics is the study of how people or societies allocate scarce resources between competing priorities, and whom a society decides to protect, support, or enrich is innately a matter of social policy. Arguably, the single most important social policy.

    2. Negropolis

      Are you sure it wasn't the Young Americans for Freedom (YAF)? If so, it's an ultra-conservative group that's really just a front for campus white supremacists.

  40. littlebigdaddy

    The fact that he is sweating like a coolie in 100 degree weather at the end of September, and doesn't believe in global warming is a nice touch.

  41. DashboardBuddha

    why can't I shake the image of a bunch of colonists walking around with their tri-corner hates, buckle shoes and a Groucho Marx mask?

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Seriously though…I don't know why everyone is complaining about what Rick Perry says. Why, even a child of five could understand him. Quick…someone fetch a child of five.

  42. Fawkdifiknow

    Let's review: Teabaggers – and their fave preznit candidates – make up their own version of history, try to debunk the overwhelming prevailing scientific consensus on climate change and still – still – refuse to accept evolutionary science. Yet, they are accorded complete deference when they say they and they alone know what the cure for this country''s economic woesis. Makes sense to me – donuttoyou?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah I don't quite get the whiny librul handwringing on this one, I've seen Occupy Wall Street articles in both the Seattle Times and my local fishwrap over the last couple days. And I don't even read them that closely.

      And not one goddamned thing about Nancy Grace being on DWTS. I mean, what the hell?

  43. Wilcoxyz

    I went to Colonial Williamsburg and the folks there said the costumes came with the job. So I blame job creators.

  44. NewtsChicknNeck

    nah, he was remembering a time when white people were afraid to go out in public lest they be confronted by people only recently considered not to be property. either way, very appealing to teabaggers. they: (a) love jesus* unconditionally and (b) are scared shitless of the coloreds.

    *and, paradoxically, government-sanctioned, -sponsored, or -performed murder.

    1. PalinzADummy

      This is what perplexes me. Given how awfully white people treated Teh Blax, when they had power over them — buying and selling and breeding them like animals, torturing them, starving them, etc. — I can understand having a guilty conscience. But what's to fear? The racism is still far from over, and people with any African antecedents are still treated pretty horribly in most places. So why the fear? What is there to fear from a wronged and mistreated, powerless people?

  45. weejee

    Is it just me or did that bit of tape trigger a waft of Steve Martin shit/Shinola deja vu for any others?

    And Ken, did NPR file a cease & desist over your Wonkwire post to shutdown further comments?

  46. NewtsChicknNeck

    so people are surprised that a "C-" aggie male cheerleader is dumber than a "C-" yale male cheerleader?

    i realize it's like deciding whether it's hotter in ft. worth or dallas, i.e. who gives a shit when the heat index is 122 or 123? it's hot. they're dumb. the end.

    1. Rotundo_

      I'm not surprised that he is dumber than Dubya, but completely astonished that the fucking moron is being taken seriously by *anyone* even republicans as a potential leader of the USofA. This year's crop of candidates has been truly amazing. Have they driven every intelligent, ethical person out of the GOP? (I know-rhetorical question…)

    2. PalinzADummy

      I think people (me, at least) are simply amazed that anyone could be stupider than a (supposedly) dry drunk ex-druggie idiot like Bush. I, personally, didn't think it was humanly possible, barring some actual mental defect or disease. How did this guy even get into college?

  47. owhatever

    People were afraid to go out into the streets of Boston that year because the Red Sox blew a five-game lead in the final week of the season, and baseball had not even been invented yet. Paul Revere was the shortstop, with John Adams in center field.

      1. Angry_Marmot

        I was under the impression the Ben Franklin was more of a, um, pitcher. James Buchanan, now he was a catcher.

  48. Comrade Wingtard

    Where is the part where Perry promises, as part of his first "100 Days" to reprint the Constitution in comic sans, put the second amendment in "blink" tags and colorize and embolden the whole thing?

  49. johnnyzhivago

    Let's hear it for colonial businessmen like Sam Adams – who invested in his brewery – and then saw his profits drained by the British socialists – with their Colonial Health Service and all their environmental regulations!

  50. arcadesproject

    You've heard of gentleman's Cs? Well, Perry got barbarian's D's in college. The putz is no Einstein.

    1. PalinzADummy

      That's putting it mildly. Trig or Trick or whatever Sarah's defective spawn is called could probly beat him in a game of chess.

  51. chascates

    Well, that explains all the knee britches, powdered wigs, tri-cornered hats, and big red Bozo noses, all of which we read about in history books.

  52. johnnyzhivago

    While we're planning the reinvention of America….

    I say bring back slavery – It's a well known fact that the slaves LOVED IT – and it was a real boost to productivity. This time though, I would avoid racial overtones and allow for brown, yellow and red slaves too. Plus maybe gay whites, though I'm not sure about that one.

    Slavery – and capital punishment – bring back the America of our founding fathers!!!!

    1. Rotundo_

      Truth be told we're heading there anyhow: I don't think there will be as much concern about where we come from or how brown we may or may not be when we are all under the whip. JesusCorporation UberAlles!

  53. hilbillyheroine

    PURTY. PURTY. Ricky is just PURTY. Let's all elect him. For his killin's and such, and his un taxin oil and such, and for havin' pretty hair, as such.

    1. El Pinche

      Molly's in the 9th Zoastrian Dimension sipping mojitos with Ann Richards and Bill Hicks laughing their cosmic asses off.
      I'm in a virtual 7th dimension right now on my 5th mojito listening to block of superchunk and about to get Lee Scratch Perry up in this mutherfucker.

  54. user-of-owls

    You go back to Boston in the 1770s and people had to disguise themselves

    It's true! They would wear things like powdered wigs, wooden teeth and adult knickers so no one would recognize them.

  55. iburl

    George Bush, Rick Perry and Joe Barton were huddled around each other at a D.C. thinktank. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled, "Yeah, 51! 51!" The bartender goes down to them and asks, "51? What are you guys so excited about?"
    Joe Barton speaks up: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it in 51 days!"

  56. Negropolis

    I'm sorry; I just can't suffer that accent from a Texas politician, anymore. I just can't; he's fucking ruined it for everyone. Go to hell, Texas Governor Rick Perry; go to hell and take most of Texas with you.

  57. widget2011

    I think the real problem here is not Rick Perry, but the target audience. When somebody says something that obviously stupid, I think the crickets should have their say, showing they are the smartest creatures in the audience.

  58. Jughead2130

    Someone should explain to Mr. Perry that the Boston Tea Partiers of the 1770s were protesting taxation WITHOUT representation. The Tea Baggers of 2011 HAVE representation; they're just butt hurt because they don't get their way on everything.

    1. genxr

      What with the facial hair of the time, I thought everybody was protesting The Rent Is Too Damn High.

      Also, the real reason the baggers are mad is because the rest of us have representation also.

  59. ttommyunger

    Hmmmm. Looking more and more like an unemployed Baptist Preacher filling a temporarily empty pulpit in someone else's church. I'm thinking his early supporters will soon be wearing disguises out of shame. This clown only looks good by comparison with the other dildos in his peer group. Hope he gets the nod, Barry will make mincemeat out his lame, wrinkled ass during the debates.

  60. anniegetyerfun

    You guys, he meant if you WENT BACK IN TIME to 1770, you'd have to disguise yourself. You couldn't wear your baggy rapper pants and your hat on sideways, like they do in the hizzy (White House).

    Fortunately, Teabaggers already have entire wardrobes of colonial-era costumes, as they cannot climax outside of the presence of a tri-cornered hat.

  61. James Michael Curley

    What a moron. Dressing up like a bunch of native american is sure going to make the tea party vandals inconspicuous.

  62. Tundra Grifter

    Who would possibly think it was safer to dress up as an Indian in Colonial New England?

    That's like wearing your witch outfit in Salem, Mass.

    Or, today, putting on a chicken costume and hiding at KFC.

  63. lulzmonger

    What gets skipped over every time the story of the original Boston Tea Party comes up?

    They were hardcore roaring shitfaced. Every man jack of them.

    I think they were probably lucky to even hit the right ship, what with being totally hammered. People who witnessed Teh Partay said it was a minor miracle that nobody on the docks killed themselves or one another or fell in the harbor & drowned.

    So, plus la change …

  64. flamingpdog

    17 percent of 'Mur'cuns, the only way they can have a payday is by buying (?lifting) it off the shelf at the 7-11.

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