from our own correspondent

Here’s a Portrait of Riley Waggaman Covering the NYC Protests (With a Monopoly Apple Computer)

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You must go read his quote about the New York Times!

At least the New York Observer is giving a little of the News Hole to the #OccupyWallStreet gang! Here’s our own correspondent, Riley Waggaman, with his bad-ass bomber jacket and monopoly Apple laptop that is now the only computer manufactured and sold, since Apple became a monopoly, according to some self-loathing douche-poop who works on Wall Street and can’t believe the nerve of these people in a ruined nation actually using computers the way everyone does.

We’re very happy to have Riley back on the Weird Beat. UPDATE: And now we’ve gone through all these portraits and they are very interesting, a lot more brown and black people than the CORPORATES would have you believe, because it’s so much easier to say “eh dumb white hippie take a bath/trustafarian whatever” than to show an actual Lost Generation of people in their 20s and 30s and beyond who literally have nothing to look forward to, under the Current Regime, except for struggle and strife and lies. Also, there are a lot of handsome crew/rugby guys who could easily be junior Wall Streeters by day, and most likely have the kind of student loans that should result in some employment options, haha? And there’s Andrew Krucoff, our longtime anti-blogging hero from YoungManhattanite. He is really one of the only people we don’t loathe. [NY Observer]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Photo #4 (I think) Oh Thor, that mullet wasn't cool when mullets were cool.

  • BarackMyWorld

    That screen capture was totally disorienting for a second. Some day, I want to be totally fucked with by someone posting a screencap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap. That'd be boss.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Seeing as how there are no more barbershops with an infinitude of mirrors to create this effect, we will have to settle for a simulacrum such as you suggest.

    • Come here a minute

      I would totally screencap that.

      • BarryOPotter

        I would screencap that shit so hard…

  • bureaucrap

    You look great! keep up the good work. Let us know how we can send food to you.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      His earlier post indicated near the end that one or more organizations is taking donations on behalf of keeping our fearless protestors nourished & replenished~

  • mavenmaven

    Where's the Breitbart hugging picture?

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Hugging or leg humping?

  • ttommyunger

    I'd like to say something snarky about this young man but then I realize I'm sitting on my ass at home playing on the 'puter while he is actually out doing something useful and valuable for society and my Country and putting himself at risk while doing so, so then I shut the fuck up.

    • GOPCrusher

      Agreed. It's too bad there aren't more people like this that are willing to take to the streets.
      Now excuse me. My Dulcolax is kicking in.

      • ttommyunger

        Haw, Haw, (cough, cough) Haw!

    • Doktor Zoom

      I'd do my part, but 1) I live in Boise Goddamned Idaho and 2) I have The Cold That Consumed The Salmon River Basin (And Part of the Snake)

      • ttommyunger

        #1 is enough.

    • Radiotherapy┬«

      Well said ttommy, Riley is a fine young man and my wife thinks he is adorable. We are, infrequently, sincere here.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Although I fool myself into thinking I could go up there, I do like the comfortable computer-with-horrible-job life that I'm leading. No snark….Riley is awesome.

      Now, what will it take for the news cameras to show up and tell the story?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Is that computer from the Apple Retail Store on St. Charles Place, or the one on Ventnor Avenue?

    And welcome back, Riley. We've missed you.

  • edgydrifter

    Riley, it's a given that the NYT should go suck a dick. They already are.
    Whose dick they're sucking is the important bit.

    • proudgrampa

      Now that's a trick,
      Sucking your own dick.

      I'm a poet,
      Bet you didn't know it.

      I know. I'm sorry.

      • bagofmice

        Get your own rocks off of my quarry?

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      (Looks down ….) Ain't mine, as usual. I guess I'm not on a private jet, again ….

    • Negropolis

      'Cause, these dicks don't suck themselves. Believe me, they try; they try in earnest…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    There are certainly some, uh, interesting grooming choices being exhibited in that collection. Oh my god, I've turned into my father!!!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm guessing the photographer on this slideshow assignment was selecting the more colorful protesters. Man that's one huge bunch of artificially dyed, tatted and pierced hipsters. If the slideshow is really representative of the crowd there, there must be a zillion battered fixies chained to the fence at Trinity Church up the street right now.

      • wondering where i am

        I was impressed by how good-looking they are. Either the photographer is a genius or it is because they are (mostly) so young.

        Signed,
        One of the Oldz

  • baconzgood

    DAMN DIRTY LIBURAL HIPPIES ARE SUPOSTA USE SMOKE SINGALS AND TELEGRAPHS! SELL OUT!!!!!!!!!

  • littlebigdaddy

    I heard about the Peace Grannies…just wondering are there any Peace MILFs there?

    • Jukesgrrl

      Susan Sarandon was there. Does that work for you?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Did anyone else scroll through the entire slide show looking for hot chicks?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Well? Are there any?

      • littlebigdaddy

        A couple of those hippie chicks look doable.

        • Blueb4sunrise

          I gotta find one with a job.
          Paulina ! I love you!!!!

          • littlebigdaddy

            Is that the one whose job is spreading light and love?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, #22 is alright, maybe behind 4 or 5 beers; #12 and #32 look to be the picks of the litter. #25 if you're into the "unbathed junkie" look. Nice racks on 9 and 11.
        God I'm a pig.

        • meufchelou

          Yep.

        • proudgrampa

          Aah, that's OK. I liked 22, 25, 27 (if Orian is a girl's name), 32 and 49.

          And I will always love Riley.

        • Beowoof

          Well at least now I am motivated to scroll through.

        • DaRooster

          # 49 has a great rack too… but I wouldn't say that 'cuz she is only 17…

          • BaldarTFlagass

            17 is the age of consent where I live. I disqualified her because of the metal things poking out of her face.

        • AmericanBeauty

          Yes.

    • SorosBot

      The problem is, everyone is (understandably) dirty and sweaty in the photos; many of them don't look good, but might after cleaning up. That and the Observer photographed a lot more guys than women.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Dirty and sweaty are disqualifiers?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Give 'em Hell, Riley!
    ~

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Great quote Riley.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    WANTED: Footage of Riley asking obnoxious (but pertinent) questions of corporate-drones/ stocktraders hurrying by with feigned indifference/ barely masked annoyance/ trying not to trip over their overinflated self-worth.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    I still can't believe that douche gave Apple that much credit…a monopoly!? REALLY!?

    • __kth__

      Probably so coked up that the only thing left of his brain is the Black-Scholes formula.

      • BarryOPotter

        Probably so coked up that the only thing left of his brain is the Black-Scholes formula

        "…take the natural log of… natural log of … log of… of… o…"

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    It's true that Apple has a monopoly: on marketing hype.

    • emmelemm

      They've cornered the market on smug.

  • baconzgood

    Yeah he has a computer. How else is Riley going to get his Breitbart porn? A man's got to live even during a protest.

  • hagajim

    Just glad to see that Riley got over his radiation sickness…

    • Nothingisamiss

      Wasn't that Jack?

  • freakishlywrong

    Don't get tased, bro.

  • Come here a minute

    He probably has a refrigerator at home (his refrigerator box).

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I'm fully down with destroying Wall Street, but damn, almost the entire list looked like the cast of Portlandia. Was the New York Observer looking for Yoga instructors and people with metal in their face or are were those the only people down there.

    Anyways good luck kids!

  • Callyson

    The teabaggers would be totally jealous of #45's tattoo. Go USA!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What piece does Riley play on his Apple Monopoly game? Shoe? Old Battleship? Iron? Thimble? Race Car? Just curious…

    • LesBontemps

      He's the terrierest, duh.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Riley, the Apple is cute but on the front lines you need a luggable not a portable. Something that can handle getting maced or sprayed with a water cannon and meets MIL-STD-810F. Also something with a handle and weighs just under 5 pounds so you can swing it around and give back as good as you get. Something like this.

  • Doktor Zoom
  • BlueStateLibel

    Remember, when cops on horseback come charging at you, LIE DOWN – the horses won't step on you (it should work; I saw this in a movie). And keep up the good fight!

    • Nothingisamiss

      The best advice is ALWAYS followed by "this should work I saw it in a movie."

      +1!

  • __kth__

    Riley seems to have filled out a little; good to see he's getting a square meal every so often these days.

  • SorosBot

    Groups are trying to organize similar protests in other cities across the country, for those who may be interested; I know there's one that will be making plans on Thursday, and once they get started while I have to work I plan on joining them when I can.

  • emmelemm

    Yay Riley! We miss you.

    That slideshow was certainly… interesting.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Riley looks like he could use a shower. Maybe Breitbart will come give him a tongue-bath.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Lost Generation of people in their 20s and 30s and beyond who literally have nothing to look forward to, under the Current Regime, except for struggle and strife and lies.

    Don't forget the lingering, painful death from an untreated but curable disease/condition/injury and burial in an unmarked grave in potter's field.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And a Republican audience to laugh at them while they expire.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You would think Riley, of all people, would know that the only way they are ever going to get any coverage of this is if they dress up as Pimps and Hookers.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Wonketteers seem to be dominating the comments section. Mostly pro-Riley, with this "Robin" obviously being a Breitbart plant just to make Riley feel bad and seek solace in the arms of… well, the rest is all conjecture, isn't it.

  • JackDempsey1

    Forget pepper spray.
    The cops could totally immobilize most of that crowd with a really strong magnet.
    I know, I know, there I go again, identifying with the Oppressors.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Adorable boy, even if he has no hope for a future.

    I am excited that it is cold enough for a bomber jacket. Or is he just like Leonard on BigBangTheory? Y'all don't yell at me for watching that.
    It's still mostly summer here in no climate change land…

    • prommie

      I'm only 40 miles south of Riley, and its near 80 and humid, I wouldn't be wearing anything at all if that was an option open to me.

  • NYNYNYjr

    I'm in the slideshow! Guess.

  • prommie

    Riley is getting all growed up; really, gosh, they do grow up so quick. Our Riley is growing into hs face, thank god, he was at an awkward stage when first we came to know him, but he's looking quite handsome and manly now.

  • prommie

    And oh hey there, you all think these youngs have nothing to look forward to, ha, ha ha, I laugh bitterly at that. Try being near 50 and looking for a change, career-wise. Oh, sure, everyone wants to hire the old dude.

  • Bezoar

    Layne/Waggaman 2016!!!

  • PocketsTheClown

    The war is economic first, everything else second. Welcome to the causa bellum.

  • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ Porter Melmoth

    Riley's doing heroics that N.eocon P.entagon R.adiation and the New Yuck Times, official stenographers to the Pale Paternal Penis People, wuss out on. Wag yo' tail, Waggaman!

    (Is he from Australia or something?)

    (Thank you, Robert Hughes, for the PPPP concept.)

  • LouBristol

    Wall Streeters don't make money by knowing stuff, they do it by scamming people who know even less.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Apple completely dominates the Non-Windows / Non-Linux market, tho.

    (When I taught college composition, I'd occasionally get students who wanted to do a research paper on Linux. I'd only let them write on that topic if they at least chuckled when I asked whether Linux was an OS or an ideology)

  • bagofmice

    Hold the line! (us)

  • AmericanBeauty

    Or the opening of the cervix.