FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT  12:31 pm September 27, 2011

Here’s a Portrait of Riley Waggaman Covering the NYC Protests (With a Monopoly Apple Computer)

by Ken Layne

You must go read his quote about the New York Times!

At least the New York Observer is giving a little of the News Hole to the #OccupyWallStreet gang! Here’s our own correspondent, Riley Waggaman, with his bad-ass bomber jacket and monopoly Apple laptop that is now the only computer manufactured and sold, since Apple became a monopoly, according to some self-loathing douche-poop who works on Wall Street and can’t believe the nerve of these people in a ruined nation actually using computers the way everyone does.

We’re very happy to have Riley back on the Weird Beat. UPDATE: And now we’ve gone through all these portraits and they are very interesting, a lot more brown and black people than the CORPORATES would have you believe, because it’s so much easier to say “eh dumb white hippie take a bath/trustafarian whatever” than to show an actual Lost Generation of people in their 20s and 30s and beyond who literally have nothing to look forward to, under the Current Regime, except for struggle and strife and lies. Also, there are a lot of handsome crew/rugby guys who could easily be junior Wall Streeters by day, and most likely have the kind of student loans that should result in some employment options, haha? And there’s Andrew Krucoff, our longtime anti-blogging hero from YoungManhattanite. He is really one of the only people we don’t loathe. [NY Observer]

 
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{ 85 comments }

Barb September 27, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Photo #4 (I think) Oh Thor, that mullet wasn't cool when mullets were cool.

BarackMyWorld September 27, 2011 at 12:38 pm

That screen capture was totally disorienting for a second. Some day, I want to be totally fucked with by someone posting a screencap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap. That'd be boss.

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Seeing as how there are no more barbershops with an infinitude of mirrors to create this effect, we will have to settle for a simulacrum such as you suggest.

Come here a minute September 27, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I would totally screencap that.

BarryOPotter September 28, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I would screencap that shit so hard…

bureaucrap September 27, 2011 at 12:39 pm

You look great! keep up the good work. Let us know how we can send food to you.

Mumbletypeg September 27, 2011 at 12:45 pm

His earlier post indicated near the end that one or more organizations is taking donations on behalf of keeping our fearless protestors nourished & replenished~

mavenmaven September 27, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Where's the Breitbart hugging picture?

NorthStarSpanx September 27, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Hugging or leg humping?

ttommyunger September 27, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I'd like to say something snarky about this young man but then I realize I'm sitting on my ass at home playing on the 'puter while he is actually out doing something useful and valuable for society and my Country and putting himself at risk while doing so, so then I shut the fuck up.

GOPCrusher September 27, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Agreed. It's too bad there aren't more people like this that are willing to take to the streets.
Now excuse me. My Dulcolax is kicking in.

ttommyunger September 27, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Haw, Haw, (cough, cough) Haw!

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I'd do my part, but 1) I live in Boise Goddamned Idaho and 2) I have The Cold That Consumed The Salmon River Basin (And Part of the Snake)

ttommyunger September 27, 2011 at 2:29 pm

#1 is enough.

Radiotherapy® September 27, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Well said ttommy, Riley is a fine young man and my wife thinks he is adorable. We are, infrequently, sincere here.

Nothingisamiss September 28, 2011 at 8:06 am

Although I fool myself into thinking I could go up there, I do like the comfortable computer-with-horrible-job life that I'm leading. No snark….Riley is awesome.

Now, what will it take for the news cameras to show up and tell the story?

johnnymeatworth September 27, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Is that computer from the Apple Retail Store on St. Charles Place, or the one on Ventnor Avenue?

And welcome back, Riley. We've missed you.

edgydrifter September 27, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Riley, it's a given that the NYT should go suck a dick. They already are.
Whose dick they're sucking is the important bit.

proudgrampa September 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Now that's a trick,
Sucking your own dick.

I'm a poet,
Bet you didn't know it.

I know. I'm sorry.

bagofmice September 27, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Get your own rocks off of my quarry?

Ken Layne September 27, 2011 at 1:50 pm

(Looks down ….) Ain't mine, as usual. I guess I'm not on a private jet, again ….

Negropolis September 28, 2011 at 2:01 am

'Cause, these dicks don't suck themselves. Believe me, they try; they try in earnest…

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 12:46 pm

There are certainly some, uh, interesting grooming choices being exhibited in that collection. Oh my god, I've turned into my father!!!

Lascauxcaveman September 27, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I'm guessing the photographer on this slideshow assignment was selecting the more colorful protesters. Man that's one huge bunch of artificially dyed, tatted and pierced hipsters. If the slideshow is really representative of the crowd there, there must be a zillion battered fixies chained to the fence at Trinity Church up the street right now.

wondering where i am September 27, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I was impressed by how good-looking they are. Either the photographer is a genius or it is because they are (mostly) so young.

Signed,
One of the Oldz

baconzgood September 27, 2011 at 12:47 pm

DAMN DIRTY LIBURAL HIPPIES ARE SUPOSTA USE SMOKE SINGALS AND TELEGRAPHS! SELL OUT!!!!!!!!!

littlebigdaddy September 27, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I heard about the Peace Grannies…just wondering are there any Peace MILFs there?

Jukesgrrl September 28, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Susan Sarandon was there. Does that work for you?

BarackMyWorld September 27, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Did anyone else scroll through the entire slide show looking for hot chicks?

Blueb4sunrise September 27, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Well? Are there any?

littlebigdaddy September 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

A couple of those hippie chicks look doable.

Blueb4sunrise September 27, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I gotta find one with a job.
Paulina ! I love you!!!!

littlebigdaddy September 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Is that the one whose job is spreading light and love?

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Well, #22 is alright, maybe behind 4 or 5 beers; #12 and #32 look to be the picks of the litter. #25 if you're into the "unbathed junkie" look. Nice racks on 9 and 11.
God I'm a pig.

meufchelou September 27, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Yep.

proudgrampa September 27, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Aah, that's OK. I liked 22, 25, 27 (if Orian is a girl's name), 32 and 49.

And I will always love Riley.

Beowoof September 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Well at least now I am motivated to scroll through.

DaRooster September 27, 2011 at 1:41 pm

# 49 has a great rack too… but I wouldn't say that 'cuz she is only 17…

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 1:43 pm

17 is the age of consent where I live. I disqualified her because of the metal things poking out of her face.

AmericanBeauty October 1, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Yes.

SorosBot September 27, 2011 at 1:42 pm

The problem is, everyone is (understandably) dirty and sweaty in the photos; many of them don't look good, but might after cleaning up. That and the Observer photographed a lot more guys than women.

BarackMyWorld September 27, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Dirty and sweaty are disqualifiers?

ifthethunderdontgetya September 27, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Give 'em Hell, Riley!
~

Blueb4sunrise September 27, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Great quote Riley.

Mumbletypeg September 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm

WANTED: Footage of Riley asking obnoxious (but pertinent) questions of corporate-drones/ stocktraders hurrying by with feigned indifference/ barely masked annoyance/ trying not to trip over their overinflated self-worth.

simplyblue7 September 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I still can't believe that douche gave Apple that much credit…a monopoly!? REALLY!?

__kth__ September 27, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Probably so coked up that the only thing left of his brain is the Black-Scholes formula.

BarryOPotter September 28, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Probably so coked up that the only thing left of his brain is the Black-Scholes formula

"…take the natural log of… natural log of … log of… of… o…"

johnnyzhivago September 27, 2011 at 12:52 pm

It's true that Apple has a monopoly: on marketing hype.

emmelemm September 27, 2011 at 1:33 pm

They've cornered the market on smug.

baconzgood September 27, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Yeah he has a computer. How else is Riley going to get his Breitbart porn? A man's got to live even during a protest.

hagajim September 27, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Just glad to see that Riley got over his radiation sickness…

Nothingisamiss September 28, 2011 at 8:08 am

Wasn't that Jack?

freakishlywrong September 27, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Don't get tased, bro.

Come here a minute September 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

He probably has a refrigerator at home (his refrigerator box).

Allmighty_Manos September 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I'm fully down with destroying Wall Street, but damn, almost the entire list looked like the cast of Portlandia. Was the New York Observer looking for Yoga instructors and people with metal in their face or are were those the only people down there.

Anyways good luck kids!

Callyson September 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

The teabaggers would be totally jealous of #45's tattoo. Go USA!

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 1:03 pm

What piece does Riley play on his Apple Monopoly game? Shoe? Old Battleship? Iron? Thimble? Race Car? Just curious…

LesBontemps September 27, 2011 at 3:36 pm

He's the terrierest, duh.

weejee September 27, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Riley, the Apple is cute but on the front lines you need a luggable not a portable. Something that can handle getting maced or sprayed with a water cannon and meets MIL-STD-810F. Also something with a handle and weighs just under 5 pounds so you can swing it around and give back as good as you get. Something like this.

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 1:11 pm
BlueStateLibel September 27, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Remember, when cops on horseback come charging at you, LIE DOWN – the horses won't step on you (it should work; I saw this in a movie). And keep up the good fight!

Nothingisamiss September 28, 2011 at 8:10 am

The best advice is ALWAYS followed by "this should work I saw it in a movie."

+1!

__kth__ September 27, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Riley seems to have filled out a little; good to see he's getting a square meal every so often these days.

SorosBot September 27, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Groups are trying to organize similar protests in other cities across the country, for those who may be interested; I know there's one that will be making plans on Thursday, and once they get started while I have to work I plan on joining them when I can.

emmelemm September 27, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Yay Riley! We miss you.

That slideshow was certainly… interesting.

Lascauxcaveman September 27, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Riley looks like he could use a shower. Maybe Breitbart will come give him a tongue-bath.

donner_froh September 27, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Lost Generation of people in their 20s and 30s and beyond who literally have nothing to look forward to, under the Current Regime, except for struggle and strife and lies.

Don't forget the lingering, painful death from an untreated but curable disease/condition/injury and burial in an unmarked grave in potter's field.

Jukesgrrl September 28, 2011 at 4:25 pm

And a Republican audience to laugh at them while they expire.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 27, 2011 at 2:08 pm

You would think Riley, of all people, would know that the only way they are ever going to get any coverage of this is if they dress up as Pimps and Hookers.

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 27, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Wonketteers seem to be dominating the comments section. Mostly pro-Riley, with this "Robin" obviously being a Breitbart plant just to make Riley feel bad and seek solace in the arms of… well, the rest is all conjecture, isn't it.

JackDempsey1 September 27, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Forget pepper spray.
The cops could totally immobilize most of that crowd with a really strong magnet.
I know, I know, there I go again, identifying with the Oppressors.

FakaktaSouth September 27, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Adorable boy, even if he has no hope for a future.

I am excited that it is cold enough for a bomber jacket. Or is he just like Leonard on BigBangTheory? Y'all don't yell at me for watching that.
It's still mostly summer here in no climate change land…

prommie September 27, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I'm only 40 miles south of Riley, and its near 80 and humid, I wouldn't be wearing anything at all if that was an option open to me.

NYNYNYjr September 27, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I'm in the slideshow! Guess.

wondering where i am September 27, 2011 at 9:39 pm
prommie September 27, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Riley is getting all growed up; really, gosh, they do grow up so quick. Our Riley is growing into hs face, thank god, he was at an awkward stage when first we came to know him, but he's looking quite handsome and manly now.

prommie September 27, 2011 at 3:41 pm

And oh hey there, you all think these youngs have nothing to look forward to, ha, ha ha, I laugh bitterly at that. Try being near 50 and looking for a change, career-wise. Oh, sure, everyone wants to hire the old dude.

Bezoar September 27, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Layne/Waggaman 2016!!!

PocketsTheClown September 28, 2011 at 2:09 am

The war is economic first, everything else second. Welcome to the causa bellum.

Porter Melmoth September 29, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Riley's doing heroics that N.eocon P.entagon R.adiation and the New Yuck Times, official stenographers to the Pale Paternal Penis People, wuss out on. Wag yo' tail, Waggaman!

(Is he from Australia or something?)

(Thank you, Robert Hughes, for the PPPP concept.)

LouBristol September 27, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Wall Streeters don't make money by knowing stuff, they do it by scamming people who know even less.

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Apple completely dominates the Non-Windows / Non-Linux market, tho.

(When I taught college composition, I'd occasionally get students who wanted to do a research paper on Linux. I'd only let them write on that topic if they at least chuckled when I asked whether Linux was an OS or an ideology)

bagofmice September 27, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Hold the line! (us)

AmericanBeauty October 1, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Or the opening of the cervix.

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