from our own correspondent

Here’s a Portrait of Riley Waggaman Covering the NYC Protests (With a Monopoly Apple Computer)

You must go read his quote about the New York Times!

At least the New York Observer is giving a little of the News Hole to the #OccupyWallStreet gang! Here’s our own correspondent, Riley Waggaman, with his bad-ass bomber jacket and monopoly Apple laptop that is now the only computer manufactured and sold, since Apple became a monopoly, according to some self-loathing douche-poop who works on Wall Street and can’t believe the nerve of these people in a ruined nation actually using computers the way everyone does.

We’re very happy to have Riley back on the Weird Beat. UPDATE: And now we’ve gone through all these portraits and they are very interesting, a lot more brown and black people than the CORPORATES would have you believe, because it’s so much easier to say “eh dumb white hippie take a bath/trustafarian whatever” than to show an actual Lost Generation of people in their 20s and 30s and beyond who literally have nothing to look forward to, under the Current Regime, except for struggle and strife and lies. Also, there are a lot of handsome crew/rugby guys who could easily be junior Wall Streeters by day, and most likely have the kind of student loans that should result in some employment options, haha? And there’s Andrew Krucoff, our longtime anti-blogging hero from YoungManhattanite. He is really one of the only people we don’t loathe. [NY Observer]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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85 comments

  1. BarackMyWorld

    That screen capture was totally disorienting for a second. Some day, I want to be totally fucked with by someone posting a screencap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap within a screen cap. That'd be boss.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Seeing as how there are no more barbershops with an infinitude of mirrors to create this effect, we will have to settle for a simulacrum such as you suggest.

  2. ttommyunger

    I'd like to say something snarky about this young man but then I realize I'm sitting on my ass at home playing on the 'puter while he is actually out doing something useful and valuable for society and my Country and putting himself at risk while doing so, so then I shut the fuck up.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Agreed. It's too bad there aren't more people like this that are willing to take to the streets.
      Now excuse me. My Dulcolax is kicking in.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      I'd do my part, but 1) I live in Boise Goddamned Idaho and 2) I have The Cold That Consumed The Salmon River Basin (And Part of the Snake)

    3. Radiotherapy®

      Well said ttommy, Riley is a fine young man and my wife thinks he is adorable. We are, infrequently, sincere here.

    4. Nothingisamiss

      Although I fool myself into thinking I could go up there, I do like the comfortable computer-with-horrible-job life that I'm leading. No snark….Riley is awesome.

      Now, what will it take for the news cameras to show up and tell the story?

  3. johnnymeatworth

    Is that computer from the Apple Retail Store on St. Charles Place, or the one on Ventnor Avenue?

    And welcome back, Riley. We've missed you.

  4. edgydrifter

    Riley, it's a given that the NYT should go suck a dick. They already are.
    Whose dick they're sucking is the important bit.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    There are certainly some, uh, interesting grooming choices being exhibited in that collection. Oh my god, I've turned into my father!!!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm guessing the photographer on this slideshow assignment was selecting the more colorful protesters. Man that's one huge bunch of artificially dyed, tatted and pierced hipsters. If the slideshow is really representative of the crowd there, there must be a zillion battered fixies chained to the fence at Trinity Church up the street right now.

      1. wondering where i am

        I was impressed by how good-looking they are. Either the photographer is a genius or it is because they are (mostly) so young.

        Signed,
        One of the Oldz

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Well, #22 is alright, maybe behind 4 or 5 beers; #12 and #32 look to be the picks of the litter. #25 if you're into the "unbathed junkie" look. Nice racks on 9 and 11.
        God I'm a pig.

        1. proudgrampa

          Aah, that's OK. I liked 22, 25, 27 (if Orian is a girl's name), 32 and 49.

          And I will always love Riley.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            17 is the age of consent where I live. I disqualified her because of the metal things poking out of her face.

    1. SorosBot

      The problem is, everyone is (understandably) dirty and sweaty in the photos; many of them don't look good, but might after cleaning up. That and the Observer photographed a lot more guys than women.

  6. Mumbletypeg

    WANTED: Footage of Riley asking obnoxious (but pertinent) questions of corporate-drones/ stocktraders hurrying by with feigned indifference/ barely masked annoyance/ trying not to trip over their overinflated self-worth.

      1. BarryOPotter

        Probably so coked up that the only thing left of his brain is the Black-Scholes formula

        "…take the natural log of… natural log of … log of… of… o…"

  7. baconzgood

    Yeah he has a computer. How else is Riley going to get his Breitbart porn? A man's got to live even during a protest.

  8. Allmighty_Manos

    I'm fully down with destroying Wall Street, but damn, almost the entire list looked like the cast of Portlandia. Was the New York Observer looking for Yoga instructors and people with metal in their face or are were those the only people down there.

    Anyways good luck kids!

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    What piece does Riley play on his Apple Monopoly game? Shoe? Old Battleship? Iron? Thimble? Race Car? Just curious…

  10. weejee

    Riley, the Apple is cute but on the front lines you need a luggable not a portable. Something that can handle getting maced or sprayed with a water cannon and meets MIL-STD-810F. Also something with a handle and weighs just under 5 pounds so you can swing it around and give back as good as you get. Something like this.

  11. BlueStateLibel

    Remember, when cops on horseback come charging at you, LIE DOWN – the horses won't step on you (it should work; I saw this in a movie). And keep up the good fight!

  12. __kth__

    Riley seems to have filled out a little; good to see he's getting a square meal every so often these days.

  13. SorosBot

    Groups are trying to organize similar protests in other cities across the country, for those who may be interested; I know there's one that will be making plans on Thursday, and once they get started while I have to work I plan on joining them when I can.

  14. donner_froh

    Lost Generation of people in their 20s and 30s and beyond who literally have nothing to look forward to, under the Current Regime, except for struggle and strife and lies.

    Don't forget the lingering, painful death from an untreated but curable disease/condition/injury and burial in an unmarked grave in potter's field.

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You would think Riley, of all people, would know that the only way they are ever going to get any coverage of this is if they dress up as Pimps and Hookers.

  16. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Wonketteers seem to be dominating the comments section. Mostly pro-Riley, with this "Robin" obviously being a Breitbart plant just to make Riley feel bad and seek solace in the arms of… well, the rest is all conjecture, isn't it.

  17. JackDempsey1

    Forget pepper spray.
    The cops could totally immobilize most of that crowd with a really strong magnet.
    I know, I know, there I go again, identifying with the Oppressors.

  18. FakaktaSouth

    Adorable boy, even if he has no hope for a future.

    I am excited that it is cold enough for a bomber jacket. Or is he just like Leonard on BigBangTheory? Y'all don't yell at me for watching that.
    It's still mostly summer here in no climate change land…

    1. prommie

      I'm only 40 miles south of Riley, and its near 80 and humid, I wouldn't be wearing anything at all if that was an option open to me.

  19. prommie

    Riley is getting all growed up; really, gosh, they do grow up so quick. Our Riley is growing into hs face, thank god, he was at an awkward stage when first we came to know him, but he's looking quite handsome and manly now.

  20. prommie

    And oh hey there, you all think these youngs have nothing to look forward to, ha, ha ha, I laugh bitterly at that. Try being near 50 and looking for a change, career-wise. Oh, sure, everyone wants to hire the old dude.

  21. Porter Melmoth

    Riley's doing heroics that N.eocon P.entagon R.adiation and the New Yuck Times, official stenographers to the Pale Paternal Penis People, wuss out on. Wag yo' tail, Waggaman!

    (Is he from Australia or something?)

    (Thank you, Robert Hughes, for the PPPP concept.)

  22. Doktor Zoom

    Apple completely dominates the Non-Windows / Non-Linux market, tho.

    (When I taught college composition, I'd occasionally get students who wanted to do a research paper on Linux. I'd only let them write on that topic if they at least chuckled when I asked whether Linux was an OS or an ideology)

Comments are closed.