Richard Cohen Admits Giant Gay Crush On Rick Perry

We old white guys gotta stick together!Lead old fart in the Washington Post’s “Eldercare for columnists” division Richard Cohen proclaimed his manly affection for Texas bozo barbie Rick Perry, not for something inane/worthwhile like “policy reasons,” but because the hot waves of bubbling stool ever-flowing out of the right-wing punditry’s toilet tank these days have a decidedly anti-Perry flavor to them. Ergo, this thing that has been the diarrhea du jour in the news media the last four days erases Perry’s incompetent thousand-year rule over Texas that has made the state our nation’s leader in executions, children without health insurance and minimum-wage jobs, because he is being picked on by idiots. Type away, Richard Cohen! “First I was shocked and then I was scared but now, the more he gets attacked by those on his right (imagine!), the more a certain sympathy stirs in me. Here and there, the big lug is downright lovable,” he babbles. Vulnerability is a major turn-on for Richard Cohen, is what he is saying.

“The cruel wingnuts who love cancer can’t stand Perry for being anti-cancer” is the focal point of Cohen’s myopic gaze, because he too is against cancer, and this is the single-issue reason Cohen is willing to, eh, remember a little less everything else that is horrible about Rick Perry. So get ready for the best “preteen sex cancer rape” apology YOU HAVE EVER READ:

Perry looked dazed. He virtually pounded his chest and proclaimed his hate for cancer. He acknowledged that he had erred — hatred of cancer can do that to an hombre — and should have left the good fight about HPV to the state legislature, which wouldn’t have passed it anyway. He had been slow to appreciate how conservatives felt that such vaccinations were the immunological equivalent of rape. They believe that vaccinating sixth-graders will somehow make these girls sexually promiscuous. As seventh-grade boys can tell you, there is no evidence for this.

That last line was the “research portion” of the column, in case you didn’t catch it. SEVEN MORE PEWLITZERS FOR ROGER COHEN. [Washington Post]

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    1. Fare la Volpe

      Let's be honest: the Post feels anyone is "left-wing" if they don't support enlightened rule by the French aristocracy.

    1. chicken_thief

      …excellent grasp of the issues…. loves his give and take…. knows he'll stay on top of things, no matter how small….

  1. OC_Surf_Serf

    vaccinations were the immunological equivalent of rape

    …and the polio vaccine is the equivalent of restless leg syndrome.

  2. CapnFatback

    They believe that vaccinating sixth-graders will somehow make these girls sexually promiscuous. As seventh-grade boys can tell you, there is no evidence for this.

    And Cohen should know, as none can rival the collection of seventh-grade boys in his basement.

  3. DaSandman

    Wow never has such a well known writer declared his need to get ridden down hard like a Salvadorian rent boy as Dickie has today.

    Meanwhile at the Post's rapidly shrinking office:


    1. PalinzADummy

      I'd like to know where on earth the Waaah!Poo managed to get this collection of ancient bumblers. And why it continues to permit them to leak all over the American People, when its dwindling subscribers/readers should have given it real incentive to change.

  4. Chillwaver

    "He acknowledged that he had erred — hatred of cancer can do that to an hombre."

    I'm sorry, but I don't know any hombre or mujer who actually loves cancer. Besides, why is is he calling Perry an "hombre" anyway?

    1. chicken_thief

      You know it's a serious mancrush when they start tossing out "hombre", "mi amigo", or "that cocksucker". No doubt Cohen was pitching a little pup tent as his fingers traipsed over the keyboard.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        Every colummnist wants to be a little Hemmingway. Unfortunately, Cohen is Mariel Hemmingway (apologies if she's the one who killed herself).

  5. SayItWithWookies

    He had been slow to appreciate how conservatives felt that such vaccinations were the immunological equivalent of rape.

    Hey, those twelve-year-old girls were just asking for responsible medical care.

  6. edgydrifter

    Nothing stirs the passions of a junior high boy like a girl with an up-to-date immunization record. Rawr! That's hot.

    1. genxr

      Will the final debate be in the form of a sumo wrestling match? Because that would be more dignified than what we have now.

  7. SorosBot

    Actually, I for one am shocked by Richard Cohen expressing his man-crush on Perry; it's possibly the first time in years he's written a column that wasn't some variation on either "Kill all the brown Muslims!" or "Why aren't kids today just like my generation when we were young? Get off my lawn!!"

  8. littlebigdaddy

    Isn't he supposed to be running an SAT prep class in Weehawken about now? Are they still even doing the typey typey stuff?

  9. RedneckMuslin

    "They believe that vaccinating sixth-graders will somehow make these girls sexually promiscuous. As seventh-grade boys can tell you, there is no evidence for this".

    You need a van and the right kind of candy.

        1. PalinzADummy

          Sounds like a disease, ntD. One caused by eating too much bacon, or something.

          I dropped by twice yesterday only to find that our resident troll has been visiting you yet again. What on earth he hopes to accomplish by loitering around our profile pages like some Little Match Girl, deity alone knows.

  10. Lascauxcaveman

    Oh, hell. Perry is anti-cancer? Shit, I guess that means I'll have to pro-Perry myself. Why are all those other bastards in favor of cancer for pete's sake? Sigh. No more mean spirited Wonkette snarking for me.

    Perry/Anticancer 2012!

      1. PalinzADummy

        I'm not voting in the Republican primaries, but if I were, I'd certainly vote for you. However, I'm voting for Barack Obama in the general, because he's anti-cancer TOO, AND he has a very cute puppy.

    1. HobbesEvilTwin

      yup. If I was still in seventh grade, that "joke" might've been funny; but coming from a creepy old queen it's just, well, creepy.

      1. SorosBot

        Well it's not like he has a history of sexually harassing college-age Washington Post interns or anything…

  11. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Shirley you meant to type self-described "liberal funnyman Richard Cohen", Kirsten?

    P.S. Not to mention, torture enthusiast.

    P.P.S. Right now, under "Left-Leaning Columns", the War Criminal Post lists Little Richie Cohen, Eugene Robinson, Dana Milbank, and E.J. Dionne. I'd call that 1.5 left-leaning columnists, 1 complete moron, and fucking rightwing douchebag Little Richie. Fred Hiatt and Jackson Diehl ought to be fired.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Well, Richie's got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, so maybe sometime this century, if the Waaah!Poo is still around, they could actually look for a left-leaningish type to replace that worthless blivet.

  12. FakaktaSouth

    Let Rick be more specific. He is against cancer he can make money on fixing. Bitches with no moneys and boobie cancer? He doesn't hate that. THAT is what you get for being poor. Get your class warfare off of Rick.

    1. prommie

      Perry doesn't hate cancer, he just loves doing his cronies favors, like his chief of staff who went to work for Merck a month before he ordered the vaccinations. He probably had no idea what it was for.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Rick Perry is a spectacular whore. Just remember to keep it over $5000 buddy, otherwise that shit is offensive. Also, I think I'm just accidentally, yet thematically, only trying to talk about stuff in reference to female body parts this week. I got two twats and a cunt just WAITING for Sarah P to do SOMETHING. Or didn't she say she was not doing something? hmmmmm.

        1. prommie

          Your problem is for some reason, you are thinking like a male-type guy person. Everything is considered in relation to the ladyparts. Everything. To every sensory input, every sight sound, smell, to every word spoken, to every idea, the first male response is to ask "does this mean I will get to see some boobs?" "Does this relate to pussy in any way?" Its a colorful internal processing thing we have going on all the time. "Look at that woman in the car next to mine on the freeway, I wonder if she shaves hers?" "stock market falling again, I wonder if this will result in the collapse of society and an orgiastic, end-times era of extreme hedonism and promiscuity?" "Look at Rex Grossman still playing in the NFL, I bet he still gets fantastic groupie sex all the time, even though he's never been anything but mediocre." "This Berlusconi guy, what a fucking disgusting pig sleazeball. I wish I could do that." Oh, it would horrify you, I am editing here, ommitting the worst sort of thing.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Come on now, no editing. The only offensive thing there is the part about how Rex Fatass Gator Grossman is still playing.
            I think I'm turning into Stifler's Mom for real 'cause I used to be able to think about other stuff sometimes.

          2. prommie

            Its fun, middle age. There comes that time when marital sex just loses all appeal, and thats when your fantasies jump in to make up for the lack of adventure in life. Did you know, Fakakta, that the best entertainment bargain in the entire world is the good old all-american cheerleader fundraising car wash? I am only a free man today because science has yet to develop a reliable mind-reading technology. But hey, anyway, easy with the Gator stuff there. God's own team, donchaknow.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            Oh. God. No. I was born at the UofF Shands Hosp so I know what kinda trash that place spawns. RollTideandallthat.
            Also, I am 39, the hubs is 43 and recently I realized when his legs go, well, ya know, then-what?? (I will be doing all the work?) So it's like a desperate, I don't waaaaaaaaaaaant to get old(er) and have things suck…And hey look at all the pretty youngins. Fuck.

          4. prommie

            I only lived in Gainesvill for 4 years. No, five, five years. Wayne Peace was quarterback, oh, and Larry Ochab was still around.

          5. FakaktaSouth

            Wow. Turn of the decade 80s gator with original jorts, to be sure. Yum. I like you better every day.

            EDIT – SEE?? Oh MY GOD what is WRONG with me????

          6. prommie

            Running shorts were in, and leg warmers. Hair was big and feathered. I was Mr. preppy, white buttondowns and khakis. What is wrong with you? We could call it "Stifler's Mom Syndrome." I prefer to just think of you as "fun."

    1. PalinzADummy

      Sweet Jesus on toast. Please do NOT mention "beauty" in any sentence that contains the name of Newton Leroy. I'm begging you.

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Dicky is dumb. Rick could give two shits about anything but himself…he does, however, like him some pharmaceutical contributions.

  14. Callyson

    Perry stood on the stage and tried to get words out. They clotted in his throat. They came out like spit teeth.
    Well, that explains it: Rick Perry and Richard Cohen have something in common…

  15. Beowoof

    Isn't quaint that the Post continues to let a gay alzheimer's patient write a column. And the media wonders why we think they are full of shit.

  16. Sue4466

    If given the choice between insurance mandates and lots of cancer death for everyone, Perry would choose cancer. Unless someone made imposing insurance mandates on everyone financially beneficial to Rick Perry.

    He's not anti-cancer. He's pro-money for Rick Perry.

  17. philpjfry

    The only thing Perry and every other fucking politican is "Pro" on is being reelected. They will back away from a stand that saved lives, helped the environment, hell even just made sense if it means more votes.

  18. owhatever

    Cohen also likes how Governor Ricky, galloping in on his trusty horse Wingnut, always errs on the side of life except when he's killing hundreds of people.

  19. mavenmaven

    The important thing here, and I mean this seriously, is how sick our public discourse is right now, adults suggesting that preventing cancer is a bad thing because it might lead to increased sexual activity. That innocent young people should be exposed to dangerous and preventable pathogens and perhaps die because these Puritans despise themselves to the point of pathology, and hate people who look different than them even more. Sick, sick, sick, and so tragic.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        I guess, but it seems like much of the vaccination nuttiness is from the left. Maybe this is something we can ALL agree to hate irrationally!

    1. chicken_thief

      Death by cancer is much preferred to the possibility that the younguns may engage in some sexual activity. Duh.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Hell, half of FOX News is calling him a liberal, since he doesn't believe in shooting on sight brown people at the boarder.

  20. fartknocker

    Mr. Dick Cohen: I pound my chest in hatred everyday when I see Rick Ballsack Perry on the TeeVee pontificating about shit he has no knowledge of. But since your gaydar seems to offer some confirmation to you that my Governor would make a great El Jefe of America, why don't you come down to Texas and join Rick and Karl Rove in a 3 way circle jerk.

    Fucking putz.

  21. ttommyunger

    I understand that almost no one reads this jerk's twaddle, that goes without saying; but to think that he actually gets paid for doing so. The mind boggles.

    1. rahelio

      During the run up to the Iraq War and after, I was all over Richard Cohen's columns since he was one of the few Beltway pundits to get ahead of the criticisms. Because of that, it took me a while to realize how wrong he was about everything else and to stop reading the paper altogether.

      "A broken clock is right…"

  22. mrblifil

    I used to hate Hitler until I started hearing from neo-Nazi leaflets that in fact Hitler had not gone FAR ENOUGH. Made me feel bad for the poor little guy seeing him picked on in such a way. And you know me, total soft spot for the underdog, to say nothing of the übermenschen.

  23. poncho_pilot

    "his middle name is like Richard and like my first name is Richard! it's like if we got married, we like wouldn't have to change our names!"

  24. FNMA

    “First I was shocked and then I was scared but now, the more cancer gets attacked, the more a certain sympathy stirs in me."

  25. mumbly_joe

    He had been slow to appreciate how conservatives felt that such vaccinations were the immunological equivalent of rape.

    Well, that certainly explains why Richard Cohen's chalking it up to a case of "boys will be boys".

  26. KenLayIsAlive

    I always thought "hatred of cancer" was a given. But apparently these people are so vile that even this is up for grabs.

    When will one of these scumbags stand up and tell us that cancer is just god's way of yadda yadda yadda, we really shouldn't spend public money on it, and of course it's not even proven that we CAN cure cancer or is man made so why bother?

    Oh yeah and Richard Cohen is gayer than David Brooks. Also.

  27. genxr

    Santorum joke. Check. Cancer joke. Check.

    I can see you don't need me here. Think I'll take the rest of the day off.

  28. Negropolis

    You know, Hitler hated the killing of animals and smoking, so I guess that makes him a great guy…

    Fuck off, Dick Cohen.

  29. Smithboy

    Didn't Richard Cohen recently write a column stating the best way to stimulate the American economy would be to bomb Iran? I can see how neocons would love to get another stupid warmongering puppet in office to wage war on muslims.

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