dementia

Richard Cohen Admits Giant Gay Crush On Rick Perry

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We old white guys gotta stick together!Lead old fart in the Washington Post’s “Eldercare for columnists” division Richard Cohen proclaimed his manly affection for Texas bozo barbie Rick Perry, not for something inane/worthwhile like “policy reasons,” but because the hot waves of bubbling stool ever-flowing out of the right-wing punditry’s toilet tank these days have a decidedly anti-Perry flavor to them. Ergo, this thing that has been the diarrhea du jour in the news media the last four days erases Perry’s incompetent thousand-year rule over Texas that has made the state our nation’s leader in executions, children without health insurance and minimum-wage jobs, because he is being picked on by idiots. Type away, Richard Cohen! “First I was shocked and then I was scared but now, the more he gets attacked by those on his right (imagine!), the more a certain sympathy stirs in me. Here and there, the big lug is downright lovable,” he babbles. Vulnerability is a major turn-on for Richard Cohen, is what he is saying.

“The cruel wingnuts who love cancer can’t stand Perry for being anti-cancer” is the focal point of Cohen’s myopic gaze, because he too is against cancer, and this is the single-issue reason Cohen is willing to, eh, remember a little less everything else that is horrible about Rick Perry. So get ready for the best “preteen sex cancer rape” apology YOU HAVE EVER READ:

Perry looked dazed. He virtually pounded his chest and proclaimed his hate for cancer. He acknowledged that he had erred — hatred of cancer can do that to an hombre — and should have left the good fight about HPV to the state legislature, which wouldn’t have passed it anyway. He had been slow to appreciate how conservatives felt that such vaccinations were the immunological equivalent of rape. They believe that vaccinating sixth-graders will somehow make these girls sexually promiscuous. As seventh-grade boys can tell you, there is no evidence for this.

That last line was the “research portion” of the column, in case you didn’t catch it. SEVEN MORE PEWLITZERS FOR ROGER COHEN. [Washington Post]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SorosBot

    And yet, the Post still puts this wingnut in the "Liberal" columnists sections.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Let's be honest: the Post feels anyone is "left-wing" if they don't support enlightened rule by the French aristocracy.

      • horsedreamer_1

        And to think his obsessive list-making makes Bob Graham the normal one in that family.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Where else do you expect them to put the Jews…I mean the "friends of Israel?"

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Looks like Col Sanders. Smells like Col Sanders. Tastes like Santorum.

  • Radiotherapy®

    He also finds Santorum "tasteful" and "strong."

    • OneDollarJuana

      "penetrating" "assertive" "well-seasoned"

    • Chichikovovich

      Though sometimes a little slippery.

    • chicken_thief

      …excellent grasp of the issues…. loves his give and take…. knows he'll stay on top of things, no matter how small….

    • horsedreamer_1

      Rick's policy mind is fecal fecund.

    • Negropolis

      He also finds Santorum has a "robust and frothy" personality.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Richard Cohen : Kirsten Boyd Johnson : : Dame Peggington Noonington : Jim Newell

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Though there is evidence Uncle Rich Cohen has routine conversations with 7th grade boys.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Right to the edge, but not over.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      He just has to get them to speak down to his level.

      • horsedreamer_1

        He's Jewish, but the Cardinal made Dickie an honorary priest.

    • Negropolis

      You know, he was a 7th grade boy, at one time. Maybe, he still is, intellectually.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    vaccinations were the immunological equivalent of rape

    …and the polio vaccine is the equivalent of restless leg syndrome.

  • CapnFatback

    They believe that vaccinating sixth-graders will somehow make these girls sexually promiscuous. As seventh-grade boys can tell you, there is no evidence for this.

    And Cohen should know, as none can rival the collection of seventh-grade boys in his basement.

    • chicken_thief

      The Pope begs to differ.

  • DaRooster

    "… and the hair… can you believe the HAIR!! He is GORGEOUS!!"

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Perry pounded his chest. Cohen pounded himself. Ewwww.

    • freakishlywrong

      Aww..Man!

    • Limeylizzie

      Oh God, that is vile and probably takes a very, very long time.

  • DaSandman

    Wow never has such a well known writer declared his need to get ridden down hard like a Salvadorian rent boy as Dickie has today.

    Meanwhile at the Post's rapidly shrinking office:

    fap,fap,fap,fap,fap,fap,fap,fap

    • PalinzADummy

      I'd like to know where on earth the Waaah!Poo managed to get this collection of ancient bumblers. And why it continues to permit them to leak all over the American People, when its dwindling subscribers/readers should have given it real incentive to change.

  • Barb

    I'm sure he typed this whole column using only one hand.

    • poncho_pilot

      he didn't use his hands.

      • jus_wonderin

        Did he dictate it to a seven year old boy?

  • Tommmcattt

    Guys, don't pick on Richard Cohen. It's like picking on the old metal detector guy at the beach.

    • Radiotherapy®

      Ah, one of my favorite pastimes: throwing my loose change in in the sand in front of those clowns.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        They probably follow you around like puppies.

    • Mahousu

      Except there's a chance the metal detector guy will come up with something valuable someday.

      • PalinzADummy

        True. Cohen's hope of ever being relevant has already died an unnoticed death.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "He acknowledged that he had erred — hatred of cancer can do that to an hombre."

    I'm sorry, but I don't know any hombre or mujer who actually loves cancer. Besides, why is is he calling Perry an "hombre" anyway?

    • tihond

      Are you saying Cohen should "Ixnay on the Hombre?"

      • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

        Not sure what that means, but it sounds kinky.

        • horsedreamer_1

          It is far from heaven.

    • DaRooster

      'Cuz of his love of Mexicans?

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Muy macho.

    • chicken_thief

      You know it's a serious mancrush when they start tossing out "hombre", "mi amigo", or "that cocksucker". No doubt Cohen was pitching a little pup tent as his fingers traipsed over the keyboard.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Every colummnist wants to be a little Hemmingway. Unfortunately, Cohen is Mariel Hemmingway (apologies if she's the one who killed herself).

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Because Hola Amigos was already taken? http://homepages.theonion.com/PersonalPages/jAnch

  • Goonemeritus

    Mazel tov to these two, I hope they will be very happy together.

  • SayItWithWookies

    He had been slow to appreciate how conservatives felt that such vaccinations were the immunological equivalent of rape.

    Hey, those twelve-year-old girls were just asking for responsible medical care.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      she did have her sleeve rolled up.

  • edgydrifter

    Nothing stirs the passions of a junior high boy like a girl with an up-to-date immunization record. Rawr! That's hot.

  • orygoon

    He's afraid Perry will be knocked out of the race by Christie. Total gay nightmare, that.

    • genxr

      Will the final debate be in the form of a sumo wrestling match? Because that would be more dignified than what we have now.

      • tihond

        MMA… to appeal to the base.

        • chicken_thief

          What 14 people will they duck tape together so Christie will have someone in his weight class?

  • SorosBot

    Actually, I for one am shocked by Richard Cohen expressing his man-crush on Perry; it's possibly the first time in years he's written a column that wasn't some variation on either "Kill all the brown Muslims!" or "Why aren't kids today just like my generation when we were young? Get off my lawn!!"

    • Barrelhse

      I suspect he's getting ready to go for Flynt's cool million.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Isn't he supposed to be running an SAT prep class in Weehawken about now? Are they still even doing the typey typey stuff?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Clearly, Cohen has not advanced beyond the 7th grade. Fashion sense, too, given his hawt glasses.

  • RedneckMuslin

    This is overflowing with santorum!

  • RedneckMuslin

    "They believe that vaccinating sixth-graders will somehow make these girls sexually promiscuous. As seventh-grade boys can tell you, there is no evidence for this".

    You need a van and the right kind of candy.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Hey Kaplan Test Prep! Great job on the columnist promoting seventh grade boys banging the sixth grade girls!

    • prommie

      Zima, my friend. Wine Coolers, just ask Bristol, its the wine coolers.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What the hell would a guy with a name like "Richard Cohen" know about "hombres"?

    • freakishlywrong

      Probably about as much as Rick Perry knows about Jews, (the ones not hastening the rapture)

      • Chichikovovich

        Hey, Rick Perry and Kinky Friedman are great pals.

    • PalinzADummy

      I'm sure he pronounces it "home-brays."

      • not that Dewey

        hahm-bers

        • PalinzADummy

          Sounds like a disease, ntD. One caused by eating too much bacon, or something.

          I dropped by twice yesterday only to find that our resident troll has been visiting you yet again. What on earth he hopes to accomplish by loitering around our profile pages like some Little Match Girl, deity alone knows.

    • Negropolis

      About as much as El Jefe Michael Bloombergo.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Oh, hell. Perry is anti-cancer? Shit, I guess that means I'll have to pro-Perry myself. Why are all those other bastards in favor of cancer for pete's sake? Sigh. No more mean spirited Wonkette snarking for me.

    Perry/Anticancer 2012!

    • orygoon

      I wouldn't half mind if America declares a full-throated War On Cancer, especially if it's before *I* get it.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      Well I'm anti-cancer AND pro-cute puppies. Why not vote for me, instead?

      • PalinzADummy

        I'm not voting in the Republican primaries, but if I were, I'd certainly vote for you. However, I'm voting for Barack Obama in the general, because he's anti-cancer TOO, AND he has a very cute puppy.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm pretty sure that Bachmann is pro-cancer, since, after all, that is what God wants.

      • PalinzADummy

        He told me so Himself.

  • Crank_Tango

    An hombre? WTF is next, calling Cain a brutha?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      And Romney an "old chap".

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Well, I fully support calling Miche1e a ho.

  • Come here a minute

    As seventh grade boys and dementia-addled Washington Post columnists can tell you…

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      yup. If I was still in seventh grade, that "joke" might've been funny; but coming from a creepy old queen it's just, well, creepy.

      • SorosBot

        Well it's not like he has a history of sexually harassing college-age Washington Post interns or anything…

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Shirley you meant to type self-described "liberal funnyman Richard Cohen", Kirsten?

    P.S. Not to mention, torture enthusiast.

    P.P.S. Right now, under "Left-Leaning Columns", the War Criminal Post lists Little Richie Cohen, Eugene Robinson, Dana Milbank, and E.J. Dionne. I'd call that 1.5 left-leaning columnists, 1 complete moron, and fucking rightwing douchebag Little Richie. Fred Hiatt and Jackson Diehl ought to be fired.
    ~

    • rahelio

      I haven't read the Post in forever, is it racist to assume Eugene is "1" and EJ is the ".5"?

    • PalinzADummy

      Well, Richie's got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, so maybe sometime this century, if the Waaah!Poo is still around, they could actually look for a left-leaningish type to replace that worthless blivet.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    No fool like an old fool who writes for the WaPo.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      Since they shitcanned Froomkin, is there any other kind of writer at WhorePo besides old fools?

  • FakaktaSouth

    Let Rick be more specific. He is against cancer he can make money on fixing. Bitches with no moneys and boobie cancer? He doesn't hate that. THAT is what you get for being poor. Get your class warfare off of Rick.

    • prommie

      Perry doesn't hate cancer, he just loves doing his cronies favors, like his chief of staff who went to work for Merck a month before he ordered the vaccinations. He probably had no idea what it was for.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Rick Perry is a spectacular whore. Just remember to keep it over $5000 buddy, otherwise that shit is offensive. Also, I think I'm just accidentally, yet thematically, only trying to talk about stuff in reference to female body parts this week. I got two twats and a cunt just WAITING for Sarah P to do SOMETHING. Or didn't she say she was not doing something? hmmmmm.

        • prommie

          Your problem is for some reason, you are thinking like a male-type guy person. Everything is considered in relation to the ladyparts. Everything. To every sensory input, every sight sound, smell, to every word spoken, to every idea, the first male response is to ask "does this mean I will get to see some boobs?" "Does this relate to pussy in any way?" Its a colorful internal processing thing we have going on all the time. "Look at that woman in the car next to mine on the freeway, I wonder if she shaves hers?" "stock market falling again, I wonder if this will result in the collapse of society and an orgiastic, end-times era of extreme hedonism and promiscuity?" "Look at Rex Grossman still playing in the NFL, I bet he still gets fantastic groupie sex all the time, even though he's never been anything but mediocre." "This Berlusconi guy, what a fucking disgusting pig sleazeball. I wish I could do that." Oh, it would horrify you, I am editing here, ommitting the worst sort of thing.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Come on now, no editing. The only offensive thing there is the part about how Rex Fatass Gator Grossman is still playing.
            I think I'm turning into Stifler's Mom for real 'cause I used to be able to think about other stuff sometimes.

          • prommie

            Its fun, middle age. There comes that time when marital sex just loses all appeal, and thats when your fantasies jump in to make up for the lack of adventure in life. Did you know, Fakakta, that the best entertainment bargain in the entire world is the good old all-american cheerleader fundraising car wash? I am only a free man today because science has yet to develop a reliable mind-reading technology. But hey, anyway, easy with the Gator stuff there. God's own team, donchaknow.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Oh. God. No. I was born at the UofF Shands Hosp so I know what kinda trash that place spawns. RollTideandallthat.
            Also, I am 39, the hubs is 43 and recently I realized when his legs go, well, ya know, then-what?? (I will be doing all the work?) So it's like a desperate, I don't waaaaaaaaaaaant to get old(er) and have things suck…And hey look at all the pretty youngins. Fuck.

          • prommie

            I only lived in Gainesvill for 4 years. No, five, five years. Wayne Peace was quarterback, oh, and Larry Ochab was still around.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Wow. Turn of the decade 80s gator with original jorts, to be sure. Yum. I like you better every day.

            EDIT – SEE?? Oh MY GOD what is WRONG with me????

          • prommie

            Running shorts were in, and leg warmers. Hair was big and feathered. I was Mr. preppy, white buttondowns and khakis. What is wrong with you? We could call it "Stifler's Mom Syndrome." I prefer to just think of you as "fun."

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I would have figured Cohen to be attracted more to Newt – you know, brains over beauty???

    • chicken_thief

      Newt's clearly into the ladies, though. Apparently ones that really dig Tiffany's.

      • PalinzADummy

        Would you fuck that ugly old shitbag for anything less than whore diamonds?

    • PalinzADummy

      Sweet Jesus on toast. Please do NOT mention "beauty" in any sentence that contains the name of Newton Leroy. I'm begging you.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Op-Ed to Do-Pe in three easy sentances.

  • Radiotherapy®

    This is good news for Howie Kurtz.

  • Pragmatist2

    I'm sending them a wok- as soon as Texas approves gay marriage.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Dicky is dumb. Rick could give two shits about anything but himself…he does, however, like him some pharmaceutical contributions.

  • Callyson

    Perry stood on the stage and tried to get words out. They clotted in his throat. They came out like spit teeth.
    Well, that explains it: Rick Perry and Richard Cohen have something in common…

  • Beowoof

    Isn't quaint that the Post continues to let a gay alzheimer's patient write a column. And the media wonders why we think they are full of shit.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Why is a seventh grader trying to date a sixth grader?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      According to the esteemed Mr. Cohen, dating is the last thing on the rakish theoretical seventh grader's mind.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      By questioning whether it's appropriate, you are advocating class warfare.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I'm filing this one away with Sarah Vowell's love letter to Pat Robertson.

  • Sue4466

    If given the choice between insurance mandates and lots of cancer death for everyone, Perry would choose cancer. Unless someone made imposing insurance mandates on everyone financially beneficial to Rick Perry.

    He's not anti-cancer. He's pro-money for Rick Perry.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Richard Cohen likes his men big and stupid.

    • prommie

      He knew a guy who drove a truck. He was stupid but he sure could . . . .

      • Nostrildamus

        … drive!

        I asked his name and he had to think.

  • genxr

    perry iz in ur skools handin out vaccines and penguin books

  • LouBristol

    Wa-Po secretaries, take the rest of the day off; something is stirring in Richard Cohen.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    You know who else hated cancer?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (you're welcome)

    • Radiotherapy®

      Sagittarius?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Capricorn?

    • bagofmice

      The zodiac sign for April? The latter half?

    • James Michael Curley

      Scorpio

    • SexySmurf

      Bill Hicks?

      • rahelio

        Too soon!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Harald zur Hausen?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Dr. A. Nal Cancer of the Mayo Clinic?

    • Barrelhse

      Yul Brynner?

    • chicken_thief

      Newt? Oh, wait, he just hated the bitch with cancer. Never mind….

  • philpjfry

    The only thing Perry and every other fucking politican is "Pro" on is being reelected. They will back away from a stand that saved lives, helped the environment, hell even just made sense if it means more votes.

  • metamarcisf

    Is this the guy that won the WaPo pundit contest last October?

  • El Pinche

    In short .. Papa Smurf fingerbangs himself to Rick Perry.

  • owhatever

    Cohen also likes how Governor Ricky, galloping in on his trusty horse Wingnut, always errs on the side of life except when he's killing hundreds of people.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Doddering, moldering, foppish spoof of belletrists dodders, molders and fops faps.

  • mavenmaven

    The important thing here, and I mean this seriously, is how sick our public discourse is right now, adults suggesting that preventing cancer is a bad thing because it might lead to increased sexual activity. That innocent young people should be exposed to dangerous and preventable pathogens and perhaps die because these Puritans despise themselves to the point of pathology, and hate people who look different than them even more. Sick, sick, sick, and so tragic.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Not surprising given the debate over promoting condoms during the 90s.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Vaccinations are the fluoridated water of our times. And of course vaccinations were developed by scientists who "doctored" the data for grant money.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        I guess, but it seems like much of the vaccination nuttiness is from the left. Maybe this is something we can ALL agree to hate irrationally!

    • chicken_thief

      Death by cancer is much preferred to the possibility that the younguns may engage in some sexual activity. Duh.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Better daid than laid?

  • widestanceshakedown

    Today we are all Metatastophiles.

  • BarackMyWorld

    How long until the media starts calling Perry a "moderate"?

    • Beetagger

      The middle of his first term as president.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Hell, half of FOX News is calling him a liberal, since he doesn't believe in shooting on sight brown people at the boarder.

      • PalinzADummy

        I wish they wouldn't do that. It's tough as it is, finding a boarder or two.

  • fartknocker

    Mr. Dick Cohen: I pound my chest in hatred everyday when I see Rick Ballsack Perry on the TeeVee pontificating about shit he has no knowledge of. But since your gaydar seems to offer some confirmation to you that my Governor would make a great El Jefe of America, why don't you come down to Texas and join Rick and Karl Rove in a 3 way circle jerk.

    Fucking putz.

  • mereoblivion

    "First I was shocked and then I was scared, but now" I just want him to come in my mouth.

    • Nostrildamus

      Cohen / Kortney 2012.

  • ttommyunger

    I understand that almost no one reads this jerk's twaddle, that goes without saying; but to think that he actually gets paid for doing so. The mind boggles.

    • rahelio

      During the run up to the Iraq War and after, I was all over Richard Cohen's columns since he was one of the few Beltway pundits to get ahead of the criticisms. Because of that, it took me a while to realize how wrong he was about everything else and to stop reading the paper altogether.

      "A broken clock is right…"

      • ttommyunger

        And some wonder about the demise of our Newspapers.

        • Nostrildamus

          And some wonder about the short term memory of our bloggers.

          • ttommyunger

            To say nothing of long term memory.

        • Nostrildamus

          And some worry about the short term memory of our bloggers.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I used to hate Hitler until I started hearing from neo-Nazi leaflets that in fact Hitler had not gone FAR ENOUGH. Made me feel bad for the poor little guy seeing him picked on in such a way. And you know me, total soft spot for the underdog, to say nothing of the übermenschen.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    It's okay, Richard; show us on the doll where Governor Perry touched you.

  • Buckminster

    Gah! This bloated gasbag gets paid to write?

  • proudgrampa

    I think Richard needs to get out more.

  • poncho_pilot

    "his middle name is like Richard and like my first name is Richard! it's like if we got married, we like wouldn't have to change our names!"

    • jus_wonderin

      Oh. My. God.

  • Papa_Uniform

    I luv WaPo. Best comic strip evah.

  • FNMA

    “First I was shocked and then I was scared but now, the more cancer gets attacked, the more a certain sympathy stirs in me."

  • smitallica

    Yes, that's who we want running the country. A "big lug."

  • mumbly_joe

    He had been slow to appreciate how conservatives felt that such vaccinations were the immunological equivalent of rape.

    Well, that certainly explains why Richard Cohen's chalking it up to a case of "boys will be boys".

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    I always thought "hatred of cancer" was a given. But apparently these people are so vile that even this is up for grabs.

    When will one of these scumbags stand up and tell us that cancer is just god's way of yadda yadda yadda, we really shouldn't spend public money on it, and of course it's not even proven that we CAN cure cancer or is man made so why bother?

    Oh yeah and Richard Cohen is gayer than David Brooks. Also.

  • genxr

    Santorum joke. Check. Cancer joke. Check.

    I can see you don't need me here. Think I'll take the rest of the day off.

    • PalinzADummy

      Aw, no, man, I just got here.

  • sezme

    Perry/Cancer 2012!

    • PalinzADummy

      Redundant.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Maybe we should bring back Don't Ask, Don't Tell, at least for Conservative columnist.

  • Barrelhse

    Why on earth are you reading Richard Cohen?

  • Gorillionaire

    200 grand and benefits well spent, WaPo.

  • fuflans

    president perry will repay this kind of loyalty.

  • jus_wonderin

    This makes me wonder if Bristol had the vaccination???

  • PalinzADummy

    Did y'all photoshop Rick Perry's tiny little testicles onto Cohen's chin?

  • crybabyboehner

    He's my second favorite Post columnist, after David Broder.

  • Pat_Pending

    "…hot waves of bubbling stool…" Wow, I have a serious girl-crush on Kirsten.

    Call me…

  • Negropolis

    You know, Hitler hated the killing of animals and smoking, so I guess that makes him a great guy…

    Fuck off, Dick Cohen.

  • Smithboy

    Didn't Richard Cohen recently write a column stating the best way to stimulate the American economy would be to bomb Iran? I can see how neocons would love to get another stupid warmongering puppet in office to wage war on muslims.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Who's Richard Cohen?