INSANE IN THE BRAIN  9:42 am September 27, 2011

Michele Bachmann Warns of Cuban Hezbollah Jihad Against Florida

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Michele Bachmann is your new JFK.Cuba is Iran’s southernmost province in Palestine and all the terrorists are camping out on Fidel Castro’s front lawn, according to fading pill nut Michele Bachmann, who is here to warn us all that we’d better not re-open trade with Cuba or, GAH, Palestine’s “Hez-BLAH” terrorists will get their U.N. license to bomb Florida, by setting up missile bases in Cuba, hey the Cold War is back! and we will all be doomed: “Castro has been in charge of Cuba since the revolution in 1959. Why would we reward a communist brutal dictator who continually represses his people? Why would he reward him? That’s why we don’t want to see Palestine become a state until and unless they renounce terrorism against Israel.” Yes, “that’s why!” Follow-up: does any of this still hold true if Fidel Castro is no longer in charge of Cuba? (‘Cause he isn’t.) Video after the jump.

Sorry, there is too much crazy in her statements here to make sense of it. What were we saying? Oh yes, Michele Bachmann believes that Iranian-backed Hezbollah terrorists are setting up missile bases in Havana with her usual standard of zero evidence, which means that Iran is trying to kill America again, IRAN ARGH ALWAYS IRAN. “There is reports that have come out that Cuba has been working with another terrorist organization called Hezbollah. And Hezbollah is looking at wanting to be part of missile sites in Iran and, of course, when you are 90 miles offshore from Florida, you don’t want to entertain the prospect of hosting bases or sites where Hezbollah could have training camps,” she says. Did everyone know that Iran is 90 miles offshore from Florida?

“Why would you normalize relations with a country that sponsors terror,” she also asks, even though Cuba is not on the U.S. State Department list of state sponsors of terror because of IRAN or Hez-BLAH, but because of its history of support for the Colombian FARC guerrillas, but uh, whatever. NEVER FORGET. [Crooks and Liars]

 
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{ 236 comments }

ifthethunderdontgetya September 27, 2011 at 9:46 am

She's got a point (well two, including the one on her head).

I don't trust that Marco Rubio guy…shirley he's some kind of Manchurian Candidate?
~

Omophagist September 27, 2011 at 11:39 am

Pretty sure he's actually just your common, everyday South Florida latino Rentboy.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:24 pm

He's NOT Latino! He's a Cubano. And probably a gusano.

But NOT Latino. I b'leev he said so hissown self.

Doogie_Fresh September 27, 2011 at 11:59 am

and don't call me Shirley

HempDogbane September 27, 2011 at 9:46 am

Bay of Pigs II. Piece of Cake.

Amo_of_Bogio September 27, 2011 at 10:21 am

Bay of Pigs 2: Electric Boogaloo

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2011 at 10:33 am

The cake is a lie.

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 11:02 am

This was a triumph.

Chillwaver September 27, 2011 at 9:47 am

The solution, of course, is to bomb the fuck out of Iran.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:28 am

I always knew you were a closet Wonketeer, Mr. Bolton.

weejee September 27, 2011 at 10:30 am

How 'bout bomb the shit out of Wyoming – they gave us Darth Cheney?

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2011 at 10:34 am

Oh, hey now….I live in Wyoming! Let's bomb Texas, because they gave us Shrub, who gave us Darth Cheney.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:42 am

Hey, there are TX Wonksters too! But a tactical nukuler strike on Midland/Odessa would work, if you are going for the GWB-vengeance thing. And Rick Perry's from up in that area too.

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2011 at 10:50 am

True, true…and my parents live in Waco, which is too close to Crawford….oh, hell, the only option left is to bomb Iran.

weejee September 27, 2011 at 11:13 am

You'll get a Wonketteer Collateral Damage tee shirt.

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2011 at 11:26 am

Sweet!!!

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I like this solution. Perhaps we can arrange for every member of the extended Cheney clan to be there at the time.

Nostrildamus September 28, 2011 at 12:25 am

The entire Cheney clan only assembles when it's time for the devil impregnate a jackal.

PalinzADummy September 28, 2011 at 11:41 am

Oh, is that how we ended up with Liz Cheney? I thought she looked a little canine.

bflrtsplk September 27, 2011 at 11:38 am

How bout we go for the Czech Republic? They used to be Commnest and they're pretty close to Hiz'bolluh.

KenLayIsAlive September 27, 2011 at 11:48 am

The final solution to the Iranian problem, one might say.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2011 at 12:28 pm

You are all missing the obvious solution. There's one place on Cuba that we know is full of scary terrorist wannabes who are such a massive threat to our nation that we have repeatedly opposed allowing them on shore.

That's right, we have to bomb Gitmo (or any Cuban baseball stadium).

DahBoner September 27, 2011 at 1:08 pm

John McCain? Is that you Gramps????

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Or Cuba.

Or, better still, both.

Come here a minute September 27, 2011 at 9:47 am

Too bad the video cuts off before she gets to the part about the Key West gays being the fulcrum of the Cuban Hezblah axis. Pray it away!

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:29 am

We're going to need all those Key West gays to help re-decorate Havana after the Castro Brothers exit the stage.

chicken_thief September 27, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Marcus is weak kneed with anticipation at the thought – the challenge! of curing away the geyh of those luscious mocha skinned tightly muscled boys who are obviously willing to take an ass pounding from an creepy old white fucker, provided the money is right. Can he get an "amen!" for his dedication to the cause?

SorosBot September 27, 2011 at 9:47 am

Missiles in Cuba? I think that happened before, a long time ago; it was all a part of the Hellfire Club's plan to get the normal humans to kill each other so the mutants could take over.

Not_So_Much September 27, 2011 at 9:54 am

I, for one, welcome our new Zobmie Overlords.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 9:59 am

Is Michele the new Living Dead Girl?

Not_So_Much September 27, 2011 at 11:35 am

I'm no expert, but I don't think anyone could argue that her brain has, in fact, not been eated.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:29 pm

With a spoon. By the KrayZ LayDz 4 Krist.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Hey, watch what you're saying there.

I resemble that remark.

Gunner Asch September 27, 2011 at 10:10 am

That was the first time I started paying attention to world events. I still remember Bertrand Russell saying "I expect we shall all be dead within a week". Sort of a Johnsonian "concentrates the mind most wonderfully" moment.

Amo_of_Bogio September 27, 2011 at 10:24 am

Genosha libel!

weejee September 27, 2011 at 10:43 am

Is that anything like Kenosha libel?

not that Dewey September 27, 2011 at 11:09 am

Or the Osh Kosh label?

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 9:47 am

She's just worried about another Bay of Llamas disaster.

GunToting[Redacted] September 27, 2011 at 12:17 pm

*Llamas are dangerous. If you see one, you should yell 'danger, there are llamas'*

GOPCrusher September 27, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Lorenzo Llamas?

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:32 pm

The one-l lama
He's a priest
The two-l llama
He's a beast
And I will bet
A silk pajama
There isn't any
Three-l lllama

arpotu September 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm
justkillmenow September 27, 2011 at 9:48 am

How many brain cells are we killing every time we watch a Bachmann video? Considering the alcohol and drug consumption of my youth I just can't afford to watch her anymore.

chicken_thief September 27, 2011 at 12:09 pm

"…my youth…" at least in this context, has somehow managed to stay with into my late fiddies with little sign of fading. Why quit now?!

justkillmenow September 27, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Oh, I didn't quit…just reduced the quantity. Then again, if I stay drunk all of the time I never have a hangover.

freakishlywrong September 27, 2011 at 9:49 am

Bitch please. Can we make her a one-term candidate? Foolish twat.

CZL September 27, 2011 at 11:32 am

And waste a perfectly good example of why conservatives are too stupid to hold office? No sir/ma'am. Shelly should be on every ballot, everywhere.

Allmighty_Manos September 27, 2011 at 9:49 am

”Castro has been in charge of Cuba since the revolution in 1959. Why would we reward a communist brutal dictator who continually represses his people?"

But if Castro was good enough let Apple and Nike come in and open up some sweatshops like those Chinese and Vietnames commies, Hezbollah/Hamas/the IRA could go ahead and set up as many missles as they want to.

OneDollarJuana September 27, 2011 at 10:13 am

We rewarded our brutal dictator by reëlecting him in 2004.

Lascauxcaveman September 27, 2011 at 10:37 am

LOL, can you imagine how shitty an iPod made in Cuba would be?

OTOH, they do get better healthcare than we do.

James Michael Curley September 27, 2011 at 11:09 am

Havana is filled with '50's era Cadillacs, Lincolns and other great, grand cars in excellent shape. They must be doing something right down there.

Lascauxcaveman September 27, 2011 at 11:22 am

Great, an iPod jimmied together with baling wire, duct tape and parts from a '54 Buick.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 12:07 pm

There's a real cool documentary called Yank Tanks about how those guys keep those cars alive. I watched it on Netflix Streaming, but it was a few months ago so might not be available there anymore. Worth hunting down…

Lascauxcaveman September 27, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Having owned a few old beasts from the 1950's I can attest that most of them are pretty simple machines. They sure had style, but the mechanicals are stone-age child's play compared to today's cars. One of the joys of owning those old cars is just about anyone with a tool kit and some time on their hands has a fighting chance of keeping them running.

James Michael Curley September 27, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I haven’t heard of it. What channel was it on?

KenLayIsAlive September 27, 2011 at 11:50 am

A jumble of electronic parts rolled up in some fine tobacco? I'll take it!

Radiotherapy® September 27, 2011 at 9:49 am

does she know Diana Nyad failed twice in the last month to swim from Cuba to the Keys?
Isn't that like a fence of sorts?

OneDollarJuana September 27, 2011 at 10:14 am

But do you know why she failed? It was those icky, icky Cubo/Commie jellyfish!

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 11:07 am

Why are we tolerating these Portuguese Men o' War so close to our own shores, anyway? What next? Cuban Dreadnoughts?

GunToting[Redacted] September 27, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Not a big fan of dreadnoughts. Too boomy. I prefer a Grand Auditorium, or maybe a nice OM-sized.

ifthethunderdontgetya September 27, 2011 at 9:50 am

And of course, the U.S. never rewards brutal dictators who continually repress their own people.

Not after the big multinationals tell us to stop, that is.
~

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 10:29 am

And we take an absolutely firm line on dictators who support terrorism on American soil. Like when former Chilean foreign minister Orlando Letelier and his aide (U.S. citizen) were killed with a car bomb while driving around Sheridan circle in Washington D.C. by agents of the Pinochet dictatorship (part of their ongoing Operation: Condor assassination program). Well, let me tell you that the Ford, Carter and then Reagan administrations were relentless in tracking down some low-level operative and getting him 5 whole years in prison. And when he and a couple of other low-level operatives said their orders came directly from Pinochet, well, … nothing happened.

Chet Kincaid September 27, 2011 at 10:51 am

I thought Tony Montana stopped that plot at the last minute by killing that one dude.

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:23 am

Turns out ol' Scarface was quite the softie compared to the real thing.

EatsBabyDingos September 27, 2011 at 9:53 am

Reminds me of a Pomeranian with a chew toy. Spins like crazy and barfs.

Not_So_Much September 27, 2011 at 9:53 am

Terrorist anchor-babies or GTFO. Stinks of desperation and Quaaludes(or was that only in the 80's?). ..

Tundra Grifter September 27, 2011 at 10:00 am

Gorilla biscuits? Flight 714? I'd like to say I remember those times – but I can't.

Radiotherapy® September 27, 2011 at 10:11 am

I've said this before, but, unfortunately, and stealthily, the Roche 714 was a victim of the OG endless war, the Drug War.

charlesdegoal September 27, 2011 at 10:18 am

The late Dr. Mandrax rules.

Tundra Grifter September 27, 2011 at 12:29 pm

RT:

The War on Drugs is over.

Drugs won.

"War" is a remarkably inefficient, expensive, clumsy, out-of-control model for a program. Anyone who reads Sun Tzu's "Art of War" can learn this.

GOPCrusher September 27, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Joe Friday's badge number=714
The Roche 714.
Coincidence?

Terry September 27, 2011 at 9:54 am

Does Bachmann know that the US interacts with other communist countries, including China? China isn't exactly warm and fuzzy with political prisoners, people yearning for democracy.

Cuba is still under sanctions because a bunch of wealthy old Cubans in South Florida are still pissed off about losing their mansions in Havana. There is ZERO chance the Commie Ruskies will put missiles in Cuba again.

Tundra Grifter September 27, 2011 at 10:00 am

Does One-L know that during WW II we negotiated with the Nazis? We exchanged prisoners with them!

OneDollarJuana September 27, 2011 at 10:16 am

Does Shelly know that we were actually allied (after a fashion) with godless Russian Commies in WWII??

Radiotherapy® September 27, 2011 at 10:22 am

Does One-L know we went to bed with the OG Commie Terrorist, Uncle Joe Stalin?

HistoriCat September 27, 2011 at 1:15 pm

You know who else went to bed with Uncle Joe Stalin?

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:39 pm

We didn't just *exchange prisoners* with them, we helped many top-level Nazis and Japanese war criminals evade punishment for their crimes.

Duly_Noted September 27, 2011 at 10:34 am

There you go, attempting to bring reality into this again.

chicken_thief September 27, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I'll save you all some time: the questions of history that One L does not know would fill volumes.

GOPCrusher September 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Well, Michele said that she doesn't think that Obama can return the U.S. to being an economic superpower. And since the only economic superpower right now appears to be Communist China, I can only assume that she is pro-Communism.

FakaktaSouth September 27, 2011 at 9:54 am

This is why we can't have nice things (from Cuba).

This convoluted bunch of bullshit makes sense to these folks, but the idea of working for a fair wage at a safe job, pooling money and not starving to death, driving off a busted bridge, drinking poisoned water or dying from the flu because you can't afford meds, well, that shit is COMPLICATED.

But Cuba to Iran to Palestine = Sharia law in Alabama, AND IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!!

fuflans September 27, 2011 at 3:17 pm

AND IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!!

CAUSING ABORTIONS!!!

Mumbletypeg September 27, 2011 at 9:54 am

Needs less Hez-blah, & more chootz-pah

charlesdegoal September 27, 2011 at 9:55 am

Can't listen to more than a few seconds of it, but enough to notice that she only knows two out of the four states listed by the State Dept. (the other two being Syria, which is now completely fucked, and Sudan, which is now actually two separate countries).
God have mercy on us if any of those assholes (or assholettes) should ever be put in charge of foreign policy – although I suppose Israel is not about to relinquish that authority.

fuflans September 27, 2011 at 3:19 pm

no worries! when the inevitable perry campaign implosion takes place, she'll get douglas feith for foreign policy advice.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Oy, not the verkakte stupidest fucking human being on the planet AGAIN.

DaSandman September 27, 2011 at 9:55 am

Nature may abhor a vacuum but clearly the Republicans don't. At least not in their heads.

V572 Moon! September 27, 2011 at 9:55 am

We need more wars! The current ones are petering out into disappointing and doomed "police actions" which do not consume enough materiél to keep the furnaces at Boeing fired up. They just kill soldiers and Marines, of which we have an apparently inexhaustible supply as long as the re-enlistment bonuses are high enough.

♪♫Bomb-bomb-bomb
Bomb-bomb Iran♪♬

Does anyone have any idea how long it's been since anyone has shot down one of our aircraft or sunk one of our ships? This is so simple that Miche1e understands it….or maybe not, but she's still a useful tool of the system.

weejee September 27, 2011 at 10:34 am

But the two + current ones are low fruit for air conditioner manufacturers.

Oh, wait, do they still make those in the USA anymore?

Monsieur_Grumpe September 27, 2011 at 9:58 am

8 minutes of random thoughts. How does she do that?

Also!

Bachmann has added wingnut God for cash mega-church minister Hammond to her staff. Rev Hammond has taken fleecing the flock to a new level. This will fix her campaign problems. http://www.startribune.com/politics/national/1305

OneDollarJuana September 27, 2011 at 10:19 am

"8 minutes of random thoughts. How does she do that? "

It's called Brownian motion.

starfanglednut September 27, 2011 at 10:55 am

Science ftw.

proudgrampa September 27, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I thought you were talking about Brown 25. Now that's science!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=008BPUdQ1XA

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:50 am

Michele is a Markov process. Which sounds kind of communist, now that I think of it.

johnnyzhivago September 27, 2011 at 9:58 am

I want to know if Cuba is supporting the MILFS in the Phillipines… Because if Bachmann is really a "cougar", it means she could actually be a pawn of Castro.

Tundra Grifter September 27, 2011 at 9:59 am

From memory – I didn't check the map – the "ninety miles from Florida" measures the distance from Cuba to Fort Jefferson in the Dry Tortugas – where Dr. Samuel Mudd was held after John Wilkes Booth shot President Lincoln.

Castro invaded the Fort, stole cannon, and melted them down for scrap. That's been about the extent of it.

Meanwhile, Ole Crazy Eyes continues to exhibit an astonishing ability to twist a few scraps of facts into wild fantasies. I got an email from her (asking for money, of course) that said Gov. Rick Perry allowed illegals to pay in-state tuition.

Did you know the Governor of Texas – basically a figurehead for a legislature that meets every other year – had such power?

comrad_darkness September 27, 2011 at 10:03 am

>Why would we reward a communist brutal dictator who continually represses his people?

Yes, why do we do business with China, anyway?

__kth__ September 27, 2011 at 11:00 am

Nixon declared them not-communist, so they don't count.

DahBoner September 27, 2011 at 1:07 pm

The Kiss of Nixon…

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:03 am

Not so far from here
There's a very lively atmosphere
Ev'rybody's going there this year
And there's a reason
The season opened last July
Ever since the U.S.A. went dry
Ev'rybody's going there and I'm going, too
I'm on my way to
Cuba, there's where I'm going
Cuba, there's where I'll stay

Cuba, where wine is flowing
And where dark-eyed Stellas
Light their fellers' Panatellas

Cuba, where all is happy
Cuba, where all is gay

Why don't you plan a
Wonderful trip
To Havana?
Hop on a ship
And I'll see you in
C U B A!

charlesdegoal September 27, 2011 at 10:20 am

No need for it now that you can get soused at Stardust or Burger King.

OneYieldRegular September 27, 2011 at 10:03 am

Go tell it to all the Brits, Canadians, Germans and Israelis lying around on the beach at Varadero.

CapnFatback September 27, 2011 at 10:03 am

Starting @ :50, watch in wonder as Bachman realizes that she doesn't remember all four countries that are designated state sponsors of terror.

Counting up to four must hurt her more than one of Marcus's "self-flagellation into heterosexuality" drills.

JustPixelz September 27, 2011 at 10:13 am

That's easy! North Korea, Iran, Syria and Arizona*.
_____________________
* if you're brown

GorzoTheMighty September 27, 2011 at 10:04 am

This is good news for Commandante Camilo Cienfuegos!

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:09 am

Obviously, she hasn't been lulled into complacency by the soothing strains of the Buena Vista Social Club.

smitallica September 27, 2011 at 10:10 am

I did some research on this issue on the Internet and at the library, and I came to a very important conclusion:

Oh will you just shut the fuck UP, you ignorant cunt?!?!

Goonemeritus September 27, 2011 at 10:11 am

When I think of organizations that could export lethal long range missile technology Hezbollah is right up there with Salvation Army & Ben and Jerry’s.

northernbassist September 27, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Ben and Jerry's is exporting 'Amerinosecone Dream?'

mumbly_joe September 27, 2011 at 10:11 am

I never quite understand why Hezbollah was the go-to right-wing proxy for the International Muslim Conspiracy. Aren't they, like, an insanely localized group whose objectives are exclusively focused on Syria, Lebanon, and Israel/Palestine? Why exactly makes Latin America an appealing place to pretend Hezbollah's interested in? Are Right-wingers seriously basing these claims on the fact that they think Arabs and Latinos are basically the same complexion of brown?

SorosBot September 27, 2011 at 10:24 am

All the designated Bad Guys must be working together, even when they share no common interests and are really disinterested in or even hate (like Iran and pre-invasion Iraq) each other.

They keep going to Hezbollah because, unlike Muslim terrorist groups (and of course they'll pretend non-Muslim terrorist groups don't exist) that might threaten the US, they receive support from some Arab states, therefore they can accuse those states of supporting terrorists, even though they have never threatened the US.

mumbly_joe September 27, 2011 at 10:43 am

I suppose that makes some sense. My initial intuition was that she's merely trying to scare elderly Jews as much as possible, with a Cuban Missile Crisis, only with Arabs, but then I remembered that wingnuts also tried to claim that "illegals", (i.e, refugees from the de facto civil war in Mexico) were secret Hezbollahs also, even though that makes no sense whatsoever, and therefore Complete the Danged Fence.

charlesdegoal September 27, 2011 at 10:26 am

Probably has to do with their scary name, which conjures up "balling," "his balls" and, by extension, Ben and Jerry.

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 10:42 am

Well, there are a lot of Muslims in Paraguay – some who fled after 1948 and others who fled the Lebanese civil war of the 70s and 80s. And there is a Hezbollah satellite group that has set up shop in the region with the overlapping Argentina/Paraguay/Brazil border. But I have the impression that is more of a money-pump smuggling operation than a "terrorist camp", but it seems to perform both functions. And Iran/Hezbollah were pretty clearly responsible for the 1994 bombing of a Jewish community centre in Buenos Aires that killed eight-five people and injured over 300. So, yeah, it's not just fantasy to worry about this.

BTWBFDIMHO September 27, 2011 at 10:58 am

Hezbollah bombed a Jewish Mutual Institution in Buenos Aires, 1994, killing 85 people. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1994_AMIA_bombing

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 11:21 am

I think it's because they're all members of COBRA.

mayor_quimby September 27, 2011 at 11:32 am

I think you may be on to something… https://twitter.com/#!/CobraCommander

KenLayIsAlive September 27, 2011 at 11:54 am

Because denouncing Hugo Chavez as a socialist only appeals to about 20% of Americans, but call him a terrorist, and you've upped it to about 50%.

Next up, Hugo Chavez is trying to build nuclear weapons!
http://www.aei.org/outlook/100079

chicken_thief September 27, 2011 at 12:41 pm

And if you connect Hugo Chavez, terrorist, and Sean Penn it goes up to about 70%, but still far short of the 90% when Hugo Chavez, terrorist, Sean Penn, and book to Obama are linked.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:59 pm

I thought you knew that the basic weapon in the Wingnut Arsenal was the fungibility of Teh Culludz

widestanceshakedown September 27, 2011 at 10:12 am

"There IS reports. . ."

There is no reason to listen to anything coming from someone who says this.

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 11:23 am

their are to!

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:52 am

Is that Minnebonics?

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Minnehaha.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Or Mahahaha, if you prefer.

Big joke?

ManchuCandidate September 27, 2011 at 10:12 am

All fear the Islamopanic Fascist Communo Alliance, Wolverines.

Wooooooolverines!!!!*

*I'm pretty sure she thought that Red Dawn was a documentary instead of an incredibly stupid and shitty movie written by guys who should know better (like the fact that Roosha would need a billion (slight exaggeration) transport planes and warships to even think about invading US America.)

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 10:46 am

Ah, but the movie left out the most clever part: They invaded during the Super Bowl.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I thought they could just swim over. Didn't Sarah Palin say she could see them from her doorstep or something?

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:14 am

Hatred as an element of the struggle; a relentless hatred of the enemy, impelling us over and beyond the natural limitations that [this wo]man is heir to and transforming h[er] into an effective, violent, selective and cold killing machine. Our soldiers must be thus; a people without hatred cannot vanquish a brutal enemy.
—Che Guevara

et tu, Michele?

lowaltflier September 27, 2011 at 10:15 am

I couldn’t even last 3 min. My ears are hurting. She said there are 4 countries that sponsor terrorism. And then she only names 2. What a stupid bitch.

Oh! And I can’t wait to get my hands on a Cuban cigar.

DaRooster September 27, 2011 at 10:30 am

She can't just come out and announce, "America."

slithytoves September 27, 2011 at 11:05 am

I had a cuban cigar when I was studying in Germany – man that was good. Wait, what were we talking about?

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:53 am

Cross the Canadian border by car, and the first 50 stores you see will have big signs saying "We sell Cuban Cigars".

proudgrampa September 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

OK, don't wanna burst anyone's bubble, but Cubans are highly overrated. In my opinion, there is nothing like a fine, hand-rolled Dominican.

(Caribbean rent-boy jokes in 3.2.1…)

Barb September 27, 2011 at 10:17 am

After the debate, I was approached by a Cuban woman who said that Hez-BLAH gave her daughter mental retardation.

Major Thom September 27, 2011 at 10:23 am

Was it Michele's madre?

BklynIlluminati September 27, 2011 at 10:18 am

She needs a Cuban cigar the ol' Clinton way

DaRooster September 27, 2011 at 10:21 am

OT-My Dad told me when he was in communications in the Navy he was stationed off Florida near Cuba. When I asked what he did he said,"I could tell ya… but I'd have to kill ya." That was the first time I had heard that fairly common saying/joke… but I was about 9 so it kinda freaked me out.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:33 am

I've got my own filter on that saying; when people ask what I do for the Air Force, I tell them "I could tell you, but I'd have to bore you to death."

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Works well for any kind of rarefied technical specialty. God knows I've stopped attending any kind of social event because it always takes about 2 minutes for some doof to ask me what I used to do for a living and about 20 seconds for their eyes to glaze over when I tell them.

mereoblivion September 27, 2011 at 10:33 am

Jeez, sounds like something out of PEEPING TOM (Michael Powell, 1960). Did you recover?

DaRooster September 27, 2011 at 10:58 am

Oh yeah… once I heard it again… around 14 or so. But it has become a quite common phrase for me around the office… however it is all in the "look" while you say it.
Another tip around the office- You don't have to look busy to be left alone… just look aggravated… it truly works.

Geminisunmars September 27, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Works at home, too.

hagajim September 27, 2011 at 10:23 am

Nice Shelley….shameless south Florida pander. However, you might be a decade too late for that to work.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:36 am

She's just keeping her fear-mongering hand in with the retired Jewish community, who, after 50 years in the shadow of Castro's Cuba, are pretty jaded about it. Hence, bring in the Hezbollah-Iran connection. That will make those old cigar-smoking Coupe de Ville-driving Jewish guys with the plaid pants hiked up above their navel sit up and take notice.

GOPCrusher September 27, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Michael, we're bigger than U.S. Steel.

chicken_thief September 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm

That logic has prevented the current crop of Republicans from supporting any other idea from years gone by, whether it be the gold standard, ignoring infrastructure, jettisoning the EPA and Dept of Education, or lowering taxes causes a trickle down effect. In fact, it almost seems that the more archaic or easily provable that it won't work, the better they like it.

BTWBFDIMHO September 27, 2011 at 10:28 am

The rant about China is even worse. And yes, there was no foreign debt with Reagan and it's all Obama's fault. http://newsanalysis1.tripod.com/ww/id8.html

DaRooster September 27, 2011 at 11:03 am

I am so sick of this "Obama's Debt" shit… I try to tell people all the time- "You are fucking nuts if you think anyone could run us into the ground in a year and a half!" I like to show 'em this- https://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2011/09/04/opi

Radiotherapy® September 27, 2011 at 11:56 am

Look at you with all your fancy NYT's, state-controlled media, charts and grafts and such. What about freedumz and liberty?

BTWBFDIMHO September 27, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Awesome.

Mojopo September 27, 2011 at 10:28 am

She failed at Choot-spa so now she's trying to appeal to old Jewish people in another way.

Everyone should wonder how in the hell this woman, who obviously hates the English language and anything to do with reality, got a seat on a US intelligence committee. If any committee should have an IQ exam as a condition of membership, you would THINK it might be this one. But NO.

DahBoner September 27, 2011 at 1:06 pm

"Everyone should wonder how in the hell this woman, who obviously hates the English language and anything to do with reality, got a seat on a US intelligence committee."

Whatever she says, they do the exact opposite?

zhubajie September 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Maybe it's the Low Intelligence Committee!

DaRooster September 27, 2011 at 10:36 am

Hezbollah?

See that's what happens when you start doing away with all regulations… food workers stop washing their hands and you have a Hezbollah outbreak.
Save the EPA!!

MozakiBlocks September 27, 2011 at 10:36 am

My fellow Wonketeers, tis very simple once you realize that the words Hezbollah and lesbian sound the same to Michele ( least the first couple of syllables). She's actually afraid of militant women with short haircuts and comfortable shoes invading our shores and trapping her in the public bathroom at the beach.

Duly_Noted September 27, 2011 at 10:51 am

And the flannel shirts. You can't forget the flannel shirts.

Fare la Volpe September 27, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Easier to hide the suicide bomb.

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:35 am

I think I heard that Lezbollah was going to perform at this year's Michigan Womyn's Music Festival.

Limeylizzie September 27, 2011 at 10:38 am
__kth__ September 27, 2011 at 10:44 am

swee-dee-dee; she linked to wonkette (and to the home page, not to one of her butt-secks items)

mayor_quimby September 27, 2011 at 11:36 am

She did mention sugar daddies, maybe that was a subtle reminder of how certain people got famous by letting older, powerful(ish) men assfuck them.

chicken_thief September 27, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Are you referring to her?! Come on, now, don't get my hopes up. She is, in my book, immanently fuckable, in any orifice.

mayor_quimby September 28, 2011 at 7:21 am

Oh no, I was referring to Washingtonienne, a part of ancient Wonkette history.
But yes, she is cute, the red hair works for me.

Mojopo September 27, 2011 at 11:36 am

Awwwww.

fuflans September 27, 2011 at 3:22 pm

well. good on you ana marie cox.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:10 pm

"Administrate"? No point in reading any further.

weejee September 27, 2011 at 10:39 am

What does She1ey think of her home state bordering that socialist paradise of Wisconsin the Soviet of Canada? Michele, you don't have to go to Florida for terror, from your porch you can see missile launchers that shoot northern pike.

El Pinche September 27, 2011 at 10:41 am

Even crazy psychos have french tips.

DahBoner September 27, 2011 at 12:58 pm

French Tip: Plant your Bordeaux early this year…

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:11 pm

What's a french tip? "Eat the brie"?

Duly_Noted September 27, 2011 at 10:42 am

Do you think this is not so much a presidential campaign as a piece of performance art? Admittedly not as much fun as Karen Finley, but just as compelling in it's own peculiar way.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I'd pay a lot more to see MishMash stuff a tuber up her arse than I would to hear her nasal whine.

baconzgood September 27, 2011 at 10:44 am

Cuba=bad commies. China=Good commies. I hope this helps.

Fare la Volpe September 27, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Let's be honest, the Chinese are more capitalistic than the Americans are. They're just really quiet about it.

DahBoner September 27, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Whatchoo talkin' about Round Eyes?

The majority of Chinese are peasants who make less than a couple bucks a day…

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:49 am

The reviews of Michele's version of "The Vagina Monologues" are simply scathing.

mrblifil September 27, 2011 at 11:46 am

Her work lacked teeth.

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:57 am

Well, the *Monologues* lacked teeth.

SayItWithWookies September 27, 2011 at 11:56 am

I like the title though — how could you not buy tickets to a show called "The Twatwaffle Derailments?"

DashboardBuddha September 27, 2011 at 10:55 am

Jesus wept.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 11:36 am

Bitter tears.

__kth__ September 27, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Quite the contrary; to paraphrase Bob Dylan, the split in his side is from laughter.

starfanglednut September 27, 2011 at 10:59 am

Environmentalists are quite concerned that opening Cuba up to US tourism will trash it's fragile and unique ecosystems. I'd think she'd be in favor of that.

philpjfry September 27, 2011 at 11:00 am

What in the sweet name of all that is holy, is this woman talking about? "I sit on the intelegence committee and there are four countries the US does trade with, Cuba,and Iran is another….." What did she forget the other two? We trade with VietNam for Christs sake! Cuba sponsers terrorism? Since when? This woman is too stupid for words, but unbelievably dumb fucking cow with her head up her ass comes close.

Chet Kincaid September 27, 2011 at 11:03 am

"I have been told that Hummus, Baklava, and Feta have been operating within striking distance of mosques, synagogues and Greektown, right here on American soil!!"

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 11:34 am

And then there's this old classic…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XMr3QO2Sbc
DeNiro almost loses it a couple times…

James Michael Curley September 27, 2011 at 11:05 am

Since all she's got left is to draw attention to herself, a la Sarah, can someone tell them to jump up and down, yell look at me and rip open their blouses?

Mahousu September 27, 2011 at 11:09 am

Michele is right that up until now, our policies toward Cuba and toward Palestine have been equally logical, and equally effective.

chicken_thief September 27, 2011 at 1:10 pm

But just because we have Messikuns, Muslins, and the geyhs to hate doesn't mean I want to give up hating them Hezzbollahz and Cubans.

weejee September 27, 2011 at 11:11 am

OT

Congress is peeing all over itself in pride and joy on how they valiantly saved "Murica once again from the horror of self-inflicted goobermint shut down. The House whips are preparing a bill that will grant all members of Congress Medals of Honor(arium) for their valor.

SheriffRoscoe September 27, 2011 at 11:16 am

The commie, Islamic terrorist atheists are coming to get us. It all makes sense now.

SayItWithWookies September 27, 2011 at 11:18 am

Michele, honey — that thing Carmen Miranda wore on her head was not a turban. And you know how they would pronounce 'jihad' in Cuba? Hihad. It's ridiculous. Just go back to sending your friends warnings about how if they flash their headlights at a car with its lights out, they'll get murdered in a gang initiation, okay? You spread less confusion that way.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 11:31 am

"if they flash their headlights at a car with its lights out, they'll get murdered in a gang initiation"

Wow, thanks for the heads-up, Wooks.

SayItWithWookies September 27, 2011 at 11:40 am

Also, those press-on tattoos? They're acid!

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Will you get high if you lick 'em?

mayor_quimby September 27, 2011 at 11:41 am

I barely avoided getting murdered twice last week in just that way. It was terrifying!
Damn urban thugs, always trying to kill you.

SorosBot September 27, 2011 at 11:45 am

And be on the lookout for someone who plans on drugging you and stealing your kidneys!

Redhead September 27, 2011 at 11:26 am

Well if Fox News can move Egypt, I'm sure they can raise zombie Castro from the dead to start leading Iran.

SorosBot September 27, 2011 at 11:49 am

'E's not dead yet!

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:58 am

"I feel happy, I feel happy…."

Redhead September 27, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure? When's the last time anyone actually saw him? Sounds like a conspiracy to me – someone get Beck on this (for once, he might actually be right about it having connections to socialism!)

mavenmaven September 27, 2011 at 11:28 am

A whole lot of interjecting going on…

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi September 27, 2011 at 11:31 am

Michele Bachmann should not accept calls from David Horowitz
Michele Bachmann should not accept calls from Pamela Geller

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Michele Bachmann should not listen to all the voices in her head.

Beetagger September 27, 2011 at 11:35 am

If I were her, I'd just fuck Marilyn Monroe and get over it.

orygoon September 27, 2011 at 11:37 am

90 miles offshore? No, they have come to stalk Michele in public bathrooms, wherever she goes.

mrblifil September 27, 2011 at 11:45 am

If I were her I'd be way more worried about the fact that the Gheyz seem to have placed a sleeper cell within her master bedroom (masturbate room?).

donner_froh September 27, 2011 at 11:46 am

MIchele has been swimming if the Bay of Pigs for too long.

genxr September 27, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Loooooocy… You got a lot a splainin' to do….

owhatever September 27, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Oh, it is music to my ears when this Bachmann lady speaks. Particularly when I am stoned, for her words float around independently like little planets in my brain and mix and match. Logic be damned. You GO, Michele.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Thanks for the reminder. (lights up)

OK, Michele, I'm ready for ya now, baby. Do your worst!

PubOption September 27, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Why does she want to saddle on a presidential candidate? Is there some strange perversion here?

metamarcisf September 27, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Marcus is THIS CLOSE to taking Pat Robertson's advice.

DahBoner September 27, 2011 at 12:54 pm

"Castro has been in charge of Cuba since the revolution in 1959"

And all the Filthy Rich Cubans who came here didn't love freedom or America or Democracy.

They just loved a different dictator, and their "boy" got his ass kicked by the poor people…

ttommyunger September 27, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Let's see: Iran, Syria, Palestine, Yemen, Al Qaida, Socialism, Communism, teh gheys, Obammer, Over-Regulation; so many things to be afraid of, so little time.

poncho_pilot September 27, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I walked along the avenue.
I never thought I'd meet a girl like you;
Meet a girl like you.
With auburn hair and Manson eyes;
The kind of eyes that hypnotize the loons;
now they hate love the jews.

And Iran, Iran's so far away.
Iran, Iran–all night and day.
but not far from Gitmo Bay.

outragedcitizen September 27, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Ok, seriously, I am confused! How does our re-opening trade relations with Cuba, (no matter who's in charge there), give access to Hezbollah for missile sites? Is the US suddenly a trading partner with Hezbollah and Iran?

Oh, if the answer to my confusion is in the video, sorry, but I just could not bring myself to watch it.

fuflans September 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm

what IS marcus doing with her make-up? is she wearing false eyelashes?

SenileAgitation September 27, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Christ, that profile! She looks like Pinocchio with a weaker chin.

SenileAgitation September 27, 2011 at 3:50 pm

I'm grateful to hear that teleprompters will not be a feature of a Bachmann White House. Coherent communication is for elite losers! She goes ape displaying her magnificent lack of understanding about how the world works before insisting that our country needs someone unafraid of TuffChoices™ and implying that the very person to tackle all the complexities we face (not Blackie, no worries) is ..herself. It's like Dick Cheney's searching high and low only to discover that the perfect VP candidate was right under his taint all along. OK, it's not.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Jesus Christ, how did anybody sit through this? Caaaamyunist countries … bla bla … terrrr … bla bla …

She even manages to turn "Barack," which means "Blessing," into something abominable. Does she have really bad adenoids or something?

BZ1 September 28, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Cuba is East Palestine…

OneDollarJuana September 27, 2011 at 10:15 am

Just read Cain's "999 Plan". My immediate reaction is "Nein Nein Nein".

GOPCrusher September 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm

She just needs to go all out and declare that she will take Second Amendment remedies if the U.S. starts trade relations with Cuba.

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 10:30 am

But with more doctors.

One_who_wanders September 27, 2011 at 10:33 am

And a lower illiteracy rate than Mississippi. . .

__kth__ September 27, 2011 at 10:53 am
Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:20 am

Or, in Danish/Norwegian: "ni, ni, ni". Frankly, I'd prefer a shrubbery. Two, in fact, so we could get a nice layered effect.

SayItWithWookies September 27, 2011 at 11:29 am

After all the Fair Tax hype over the last couple of elections I read some articles where they did the math and figured no flat tax less than about 35-40 percent would bring in the same amount of revenue as our current code. So this was a no-brainer economically to begin with since it slashes corporate and personal taxes — but it has the added attraction of basically tripling the sales tax, which is already horribly regressive.

So if those libertarian kids think this is the way to go, they'd better be in the top tax bracket or, like everyone else who isn't, they're screwed. 9-9-9 is taxes of the rich, by the rich and for the rich.

Chichikovovich September 27, 2011 at 11:25 am

And real sugar in its soft drinks instead of high-fructose corn syrup. It's like Passover, year round!

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Uh … not to be difficult, or nothin', but is there any nation anywhere with a lower illiteracy rate than Mississipi?

GOPCrusher September 27, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I'm sure that Cuba has had some tar balls washing up on shore from the Deepwater Horizon.

HistoriCat September 27, 2011 at 1:13 pm

9-9-9 is taxes of the rich, by the rich and for the rich.

As it should be Wooks, as it should be.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Homey-cide.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Bring me a shrubbery!

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