insane in the brain

Michele Bachmann Warns of Cuban Hezbollah Jihad Against Florida

Michele Bachmann is your new JFK.Cuba is Iran’s southernmost province in Palestine and all the terrorists are camping out on Fidel Castro’s front lawn, according to fading pill nut Michele Bachmann, who is here to warn us all that we’d better not re-open trade with Cuba or, GAH, Palestine’s “Hez-BLAH” terrorists will get their U.N. license to bomb Florida, by setting up missile bases in Cuba, hey the Cold War is back! and we will all be doomed: “Castro has been in charge of Cuba since the revolution in 1959. Why would we reward a communist brutal dictator who continually represses his people? Why would he reward him? That’s why we don’t want to see Palestine become a state until and unless they renounce terrorism against Israel.” Yes, “that’s why!” Follow-up: does any of this still hold true if Fidel Castro is no longer in charge of Cuba? (‘Cause he isn’t.) Video after the jump.

Sorry, there is too much crazy in her statements here to make sense of it. What were we saying? Oh yes, Michele Bachmann believes that Iranian-backed Hezbollah terrorists are setting up missile bases in Havana with her usual standard of zero evidence, which means that Iran is trying to kill America again, IRAN ARGH ALWAYS IRAN. “There is reports that have come out that Cuba has been working with another terrorist organization called Hezbollah. And Hezbollah is looking at wanting to be part of missile sites in Iran and, of course, when you are 90 miles offshore from Florida, you don’t want to entertain the prospect of hosting bases or sites where Hezbollah could have training camps,” she says. Did everyone know that Iran is 90 miles offshore from Florida?

“Why would you normalize relations with a country that sponsors terror,” she also asks, even though Cuba is not on the U.S. State Department list of state sponsors of terror because of IRAN or Hez-BLAH, but because of its history of support for the Colombian FARC guerrillas, but uh, whatever. NEVER FORGET. [Crooks and Liars]

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236 comments

      1. PalinzADummy

        He's NOT Latino! He's a Cubano. And probably a gusano.

        But NOT Latino. I b'leev he said so hissown self.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Hey, there are TX Wonksters too! But a tactical nukuler strike on Midland/Odessa would work, if you are going for the GWB-vengeance thing. And Rick Perry's from up in that area too.

          1. Dr_Zoidberg

            True, true…and my parents live in Waco, which is too close to Crawford….oh, hell, the only option left is to bomb Iran.

      1. PalinzADummy

        I like this solution. Perhaps we can arrange for every member of the extended Cheney clan to be there at the time.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      You are all missing the obvious solution. There's one place on Cuba that we know is full of scary terrorist wannabes who are such a massive threat to our nation that we have repeatedly opposed allowing them on shore.

      That's right, we have to bomb Gitmo (or any Cuban baseball stadium).

  1. Come here a minute

    Too bad the video cuts off before she gets to the part about the Key West gays being the fulcrum of the Cuban Hezblah axis. Pray it away!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      We're going to need all those Key West gays to help re-decorate Havana after the Castro Brothers exit the stage.

    2. chicken_thief

      Marcus is weak kneed with anticipation at the thought – the challenge! of curing away the geyh of those luscious mocha skinned tightly muscled boys who are obviously willing to take an ass pounding from an creepy old white fucker, provided the money is right. Can he get an "amen!" for his dedication to the cause?

  2. SorosBot

    Missiles in Cuba? I think that happened before, a long time ago; it was all a part of the Hellfire Club's plan to get the normal humans to kill each other so the mutants could take over.

    1. Gunner Asch

      That was the first time I started paying attention to world events. I still remember Bertrand Russell saying "I expect we shall all be dead within a week". Sort of a Johnsonian "concentrates the mind most wonderfully" moment.

    1. PalinzADummy

      The one-l lama
      He's a priest
      The two-l llama
      He's a beast
      And I will bet
      A silk pajama
      There isn't any
      Three-l lllama

  3. justkillmenow

    How many brain cells are we killing every time we watch a Bachmann video? Considering the alcohol and drug consumption of my youth I just can't afford to watch her anymore.

    1. chicken_thief

      "…my youth…" at least in this context, has somehow managed to stay with into my late fiddies with little sign of fading. Why quit now?!

      1. justkillmenow

        Oh, I didn't quit…just reduced the quantity. Then again, if I stay drunk all of the time I never have a hangover.

    1. CZL

      And waste a perfectly good example of why conservatives are too stupid to hold office? No sir/ma'am. Shelly should be on every ballot, everywhere.

  4. Allmighty_Manos

    ”Castro has been in charge of Cuba since the revolution in 1959. Why would we reward a communist brutal dictator who continually represses his people?"

    But if Castro was good enough let Apple and Nike come in and open up some sweatshops like those Chinese and Vietnames commies, Hezbollah/Hamas/the IRA could go ahead and set up as many missles as they want to.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      LOL, can you imagine how shitty an iPod made in Cuba would be?

      OTOH, they do get better healthcare than we do.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Havana is filled with '50's era Cadillacs, Lincolns and other great, grand cars in excellent shape. They must be doing something right down there.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          There's a real cool documentary called Yank Tanks about how those guys keep those cars alive. I watched it on Netflix Streaming, but it was a few months ago so might not be available there anymore. Worth hunting down…

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Having owned a few old beasts from the 1950's I can attest that most of them are pretty simple machines. They sure had style, but the mechanicals are stone-age child's play compared to today's cars. One of the joys of owning those old cars is just about anyone with a tool kit and some time on their hands has a fighting chance of keeping them running.

  5. Radiotherapy®

    does she know Diana Nyad failed twice in the last month to swim from Cuba to the Keys?
    Isn't that like a fence of sorts?

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Why are we tolerating these Portuguese Men o' War so close to our own shores, anyway? What next? Cuban Dreadnoughts?

    1. Chichikovovich

      And we take an absolutely firm line on dictators who support terrorism on American soil. Like when former Chilean foreign minister Orlando Letelier and his aide (U.S. citizen) were killed with a car bomb while driving around Sheridan circle in Washington D.C. by agents of the Pinochet dictatorship (part of their ongoing Operation: Condor assassination program). Well, let me tell you that the Ford, Carter and then Reagan administrations were relentless in tracking down some low-level operative and getting him 5 whole years in prison. And when he and a couple of other low-level operatives said their orders came directly from Pinochet, well, … nothing happened.

  6. Not_So_Much

    Terrorist anchor-babies or GTFO. Stinks of desperation and Quaaludes(or was that only in the 80's?). ..

      1. Radiotherapy®

        I've said this before, but, unfortunately, and stealthily, the Roche 714 was a victim of the OG endless war, the Drug War.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          RT:

          The War on Drugs is over.

          Drugs won.

          "War" is a remarkably inefficient, expensive, clumsy, out-of-control model for a program. Anyone who reads Sun Tzu's "Art of War" can learn this.

  7. Terry

    Does Bachmann know that the US interacts with other communist countries, including China? China isn't exactly warm and fuzzy with political prisoners, people yearning for democracy.

    Cuba is still under sanctions because a bunch of wealthy old Cubans in South Florida are still pissed off about losing their mansions in Havana. There is ZERO chance the Commie Ruskies will put missiles in Cuba again.

      1. PalinzADummy

        We didn't just *exchange prisoners* with them, we helped many top-level Nazis and Japanese war criminals evade punishment for their crimes.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Well, Michele said that she doesn't think that Obama can return the U.S. to being an economic superpower. And since the only economic superpower right now appears to be Communist China, I can only assume that she is pro-Communism.

  8. FakaktaSouth

    This is why we can't have nice things (from Cuba).

    This convoluted bunch of bullshit makes sense to these folks, but the idea of working for a fair wage at a safe job, pooling money and not starving to death, driving off a busted bridge, drinking poisoned water or dying from the flu because you can't afford meds, well, that shit is COMPLICATED.

    But Cuba to Iran to Palestine = Sharia law in Alabama, AND IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!!

  9. charlesdegoal

    Can't listen to more than a few seconds of it, but enough to notice that she only knows two out of the four states listed by the State Dept. (the other two being Syria, which is now completely fucked, and Sudan, which is now actually two separate countries).
    God have mercy on us if any of those assholes (or assholettes) should ever be put in charge of foreign policy – although I suppose Israel is not about to relinquish that authority.

    1. fuflans

      no worries! when the inevitable perry campaign implosion takes place, she'll get douglas feith for foreign policy advice.

  10. V572 Moon!

    We need more wars! The current ones are petering out into disappointing and doomed "police actions" which do not consume enough materiél to keep the furnaces at Boeing fired up. They just kill soldiers and Marines, of which we have an apparently inexhaustible supply as long as the re-enlistment bonuses are high enough.

    ♪♫Bomb-bomb-bomb
    Bomb-bomb Iran♪♬

    Does anyone have any idea how long it's been since anyone has shot down one of our aircraft or sunk one of our ships? This is so simple that Miche1e understands it….or maybe not, but she's still a useful tool of the system.

  11. Tundra Grifter

    From memory – I didn't check the map – the "ninety miles from Florida" measures the distance from Cuba to Fort Jefferson in the Dry Tortugas – where Dr. Samuel Mudd was held after John Wilkes Booth shot President Lincoln.

    Castro invaded the Fort, stole cannon, and melted them down for scrap. That's been about the extent of it.

    Meanwhile, Ole Crazy Eyes continues to exhibit an astonishing ability to twist a few scraps of facts into wild fantasies. I got an email from her (asking for money, of course) that said Gov. Rick Perry allowed illegals to pay in-state tuition.

    Did you know the Governor of Texas – basically a figurehead for a legislature that meets every other year – had such power?

  12. comrad_darkness

    >Why would we reward a communist brutal dictator who continually represses his people?

    Yes, why do we do business with China, anyway?

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Not so far from here
    There's a very lively atmosphere
    Ev'rybody's going there this year
    And there's a reason
    The season opened last July
    Ever since the U.S.A. went dry
    Ev'rybody's going there and I'm going, too
    I'm on my way to
    Cuba, there's where I'm going
    Cuba, there's where I'll stay

    Cuba, where wine is flowing
    And where dark-eyed Stellas
    Light their fellers' Panatellas

    Cuba, where all is happy
    Cuba, where all is gay

    Why don't you plan a
    Wonderful trip
    To Havana?
    Hop on a ship
    And I'll see you in
    C U B A!

  14. CapnFatback

    Starting @ :50, watch in wonder as Bachman realizes that she doesn't remember all four countries that are designated state sponsors of terror.

    Counting up to four must hurt her more than one of Marcus's "self-flagellation into heterosexuality" drills.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Obviously, she hasn't been lulled into complacency by the soothing strains of the Buena Vista Social Club.

  16. smitallica

    I did some research on this issue on the Internet and at the library, and I came to a very important conclusion:

    Oh will you just shut the fuck UP, you ignorant cunt?!?!

  17. Goonemeritus

    When I think of organizations that could export lethal long range missile technology Hezbollah is right up there with Salvation Army & Ben and Jerry’s.

  18. mumbly_joe

    I never quite understand why Hezbollah was the go-to right-wing proxy for the International Muslim Conspiracy. Aren't they, like, an insanely localized group whose objectives are exclusively focused on Syria, Lebanon, and Israel/Palestine? Why exactly makes Latin America an appealing place to pretend Hezbollah's interested in? Are Right-wingers seriously basing these claims on the fact that they think Arabs and Latinos are basically the same complexion of brown?

    1. SorosBot

      All the designated Bad Guys must be working together, even when they share no common interests and are really disinterested in or even hate (like Iran and pre-invasion Iraq) each other.

      They keep going to Hezbollah because, unlike Muslim terrorist groups (and of course they'll pretend non-Muslim terrorist groups don't exist) that might threaten the US, they receive support from some Arab states, therefore they can accuse those states of supporting terrorists, even though they have never threatened the US.

      1. mumbly_joe

        I suppose that makes some sense. My initial intuition was that she's merely trying to scare elderly Jews as much as possible, with a Cuban Missile Crisis, only with Arabs, but then I remembered that wingnuts also tried to claim that "illegals", (i.e, refugees from the de facto civil war in Mexico) were secret Hezbollahs also, even though that makes no sense whatsoever, and therefore Complete the Danged Fence.

    2. charlesdegoal

      Probably has to do with their scary name, which conjures up "balling," "his balls" and, by extension, Ben and Jerry.

    3. Chichikovovich

      Well, there are a lot of Muslims in Paraguay – some who fled after 1948 and others who fled the Lebanese civil war of the 70s and 80s. And there is a Hezbollah satellite group that has set up shop in the region with the overlapping Argentina/Paraguay/Brazil border. But I have the impression that is more of a money-pump smuggling operation than a "terrorist camp", but it seems to perform both functions. And Iran/Hezbollah were pretty clearly responsible for the 1994 bombing of a Jewish community centre in Buenos Aires that killed eight-five people and injured over 300. So, yeah, it's not just fantasy to worry about this.

      1. chicken_thief

        And if you connect Hugo Chavez, terrorist, and Sean Penn it goes up to about 70%, but still far short of the 90% when Hugo Chavez, terrorist, Sean Penn, and book to Obama are linked.

  19. widestanceshakedown

    "There IS reports. . ."

    There is no reason to listen to anything coming from someone who says this.

  20. ManchuCandidate

    All fear the Islamopanic Fascist Communo Alliance, Wolverines.

    Wooooooolverines!!!!*

    *I'm pretty sure she thought that Red Dawn was a documentary instead of an incredibly stupid and shitty movie written by guys who should know better (like the fact that Roosha would need a billion (slight exaggeration) transport planes and warships to even think about invading US America.)

    1. PalinzADummy

      I thought they could just swim over. Didn't Sarah Palin say she could see them from her doorstep or something?

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    Hatred as an element of the struggle; a relentless hatred of the enemy, impelling us over and beyond the natural limitations that [this wo]man is heir to and transforming h[er] into an effective, violent, selective and cold killing machine. Our soldiers must be thus; a people without hatred cannot vanquish a brutal enemy.
    —Che Guevara

    et tu, Michele?

  22. lowaltflier

    I couldn’t even last 3 min. My ears are hurting. She said there are 4 countries that sponsor terrorism. And then she only names 2. What a stupid bitch.

    Oh! And I can’t wait to get my hands on a Cuban cigar.

    1. slithytoves

      I had a cuban cigar when I was studying in Germany – man that was good. Wait, what were we talking about?

    2. Chichikovovich

      Cross the Canadian border by car, and the first 50 stores you see will have big signs saying "We sell Cuban Cigars".

    3. proudgrampa

      OK, don't wanna burst anyone's bubble, but Cubans are highly overrated. In my opinion, there is nothing like a fine, hand-rolled Dominican.

      (Caribbean rent-boy jokes in 3.2.1…)

  23. DaRooster

    OT-My Dad told me when he was in communications in the Navy he was stationed off Florida near Cuba. When I asked what he did he said,"I could tell ya… but I'd have to kill ya." That was the first time I had heard that fairly common saying/joke… but I was about 9 so it kinda freaked me out.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I've got my own filter on that saying; when people ask what I do for the Air Force, I tell them "I could tell you, but I'd have to bore you to death."

      1. PalinzADummy

        Works well for any kind of rarefied technical specialty. God knows I've stopped attending any kind of social event because it always takes about 2 minutes for some doof to ask me what I used to do for a living and about 20 seconds for their eyes to glaze over when I tell them.

      1. DaRooster

        Oh yeah… once I heard it again… around 14 or so. But it has become a quite common phrase for me around the office… however it is all in the "look" while you say it.
        Another tip around the office- You don't have to look busy to be left alone… just look aggravated… it truly works.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      She's just keeping her fear-mongering hand in with the retired Jewish community, who, after 50 years in the shadow of Castro's Cuba, are pretty jaded about it. Hence, bring in the Hezbollah-Iran connection. That will make those old cigar-smoking Coupe de Ville-driving Jewish guys with the plaid pants hiked up above their navel sit up and take notice.

    2. chicken_thief

      That logic has prevented the current crop of Republicans from supporting any other idea from years gone by, whether it be the gold standard, ignoring infrastructure, jettisoning the EPA and Dept of Education, or lowering taxes causes a trickle down effect. In fact, it almost seems that the more archaic or easily provable that it won't work, the better they like it.

      1. Radiotherapy®

        Look at you with all your fancy NYT's, state-controlled media, charts and grafts and such. What about freedumz and liberty?

  24. Mojopo

    She failed at Choot-spa so now she's trying to appeal to old Jewish people in another way.

    Everyone should wonder how in the hell this woman, who obviously hates the English language and anything to do with reality, got a seat on a US intelligence committee. If any committee should have an IQ exam as a condition of membership, you would THINK it might be this one. But NO.

    1. DahBoner

      "Everyone should wonder how in the hell this woman, who obviously hates the English language and anything to do with reality, got a seat on a US intelligence committee."

      Whatever she says, they do the exact opposite?

  25. DaRooster

    Hezbollah?

    See that's what happens when you start doing away with all regulations… food workers stop washing their hands and you have a Hezbollah outbreak.
    Save the EPA!!

  26. MozakiBlocks

    My fellow Wonketeers, tis very simple once you realize that the words Hezbollah and lesbian sound the same to Michele ( least the first couple of syllables). She's actually afraid of militant women with short haircuts and comfortable shoes invading our shores and trapping her in the public bathroom at the beach.

      1. mayor_quimby

        She did mention sugar daddies, maybe that was a subtle reminder of how certain people got famous by letting older, powerful(ish) men assfuck them.

        1. chicken_thief

          Are you referring to her?! Come on, now, don't get my hopes up. She is, in my book, immanently fuckable, in any orifice.

          1. mayor_quimby

            Oh no, I was referring to Washingtonienne, a part of ancient Wonkette history.
            But yes, she is cute, the red hair works for me.

  27. weejee

    What does She1ey think of her home state bordering that socialist paradise of Wisconsin the Soviet of Canada? Michele, you don't have to go to Florida for terror, from your porch you can see missile launchers that shoot northern pike.

  28. Duly_Noted

    Do you think this is not so much a presidential campaign as a piece of performance art? Admittedly not as much fun as Karen Finley, but just as compelling in it's own peculiar way.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Let's be honest, the Chinese are more capitalistic than the Americans are. They're just really quiet about it.

      1. DahBoner

        Whatchoo talkin' about Round Eyes?

        The majority of Chinese are peasants who make less than a couple bucks a day…

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I like the title though — how could you not buy tickets to a show called "The Twatwaffle Derailments?"

  29. philpjfry

    What in the sweet name of all that is holy, is this woman talking about? "I sit on the intelegence committee and there are four countries the US does trade with, Cuba,and Iran is another….." What did she forget the other two? We trade with VietNam for Christs sake! Cuba sponsers terrorism? Since when? This woman is too stupid for words, but unbelievably dumb fucking cow with her head up her ass comes close.

  30. James Michael Curley

    Since all she's got left is to draw attention to herself, a la Sarah, can someone tell them to jump up and down, yell look at me and rip open their blouses?

  31. Mahousu

    Michele is right that up until now, our policies toward Cuba and toward Palestine have been equally logical, and equally effective.

    1. chicken_thief

      But just because we have Messikuns, Muslins, and the geyhs to hate doesn't mean I want to give up hating them Hezzbollahz and Cubans.

  32. weejee

    OT

    Congress is peeing all over itself in pride and joy on how they valiantly saved "Murica once again from the horror of self-inflicted goobermint shut down. The House whips are preparing a bill that will grant all members of Congress Medals of Honor(arium) for their valor.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Michele, honey — that thing Carmen Miranda wore on her head was not a turban. And you know how they would pronounce 'jihad' in Cuba? Hihad. It's ridiculous. Just go back to sending your friends warnings about how if they flash their headlights at a car with its lights out, they'll get murdered in a gang initiation, okay? You spread less confusion that way.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "if they flash their headlights at a car with its lights out, they'll get murdered in a gang initiation"

      Wow, thanks for the heads-up, Wooks.

    2. mayor_quimby

      I barely avoided getting murdered twice last week in just that way. It was terrifying!
      Damn urban thugs, always trying to kill you.

      1. Redhead

        Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure? When's the last time anyone actually saw him? Sounds like a conspiracy to me – someone get Beck on this (for once, he might actually be right about it having connections to socialism!)

  34. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Michele Bachmann should not accept calls from David Horowitz
    Michele Bachmann should not accept calls from Pamela Geller

  35. owhatever

    Oh, it is music to my ears when this Bachmann lady speaks. Particularly when I am stoned, for her words float around independently like little planets in my brain and mix and match. Logic be damned. You GO, Michele.

  36. DahBoner

    "Castro has been in charge of Cuba since the revolution in 1959"

    And all the Filthy Rich Cubans who came here didn't love freedom or America or Democracy.

    They just loved a different dictator, and their "boy" got his ass kicked by the poor people…

  37. ttommyunger

    Let's see: Iran, Syria, Palestine, Yemen, Al Qaida, Socialism, Communism, teh gheys, Obammer, Over-Regulation; so many things to be afraid of, so little time.

  38. poncho_pilot

    I walked along the avenue.
    I never thought I'd meet a girl like you;
    Meet a girl like you.
    With auburn hair and Manson eyes;
    The kind of eyes that hypnotize the loons;
    now they hate love the jews.

    And Iran, Iran's so far away.
    Iran, Iran–all night and day.
    but not far from Gitmo Bay.

  39. outragedcitizen

    Ok, seriously, I am confused! How does our re-opening trade relations with Cuba, (no matter who's in charge there), give access to Hezbollah for missile sites? Is the US suddenly a trading partner with Hezbollah and Iran?

    Oh, if the answer to my confusion is in the video, sorry, but I just could not bring myself to watch it.

  40. SenileAgitation

    I'm grateful to hear that teleprompters will not be a feature of a Bachmann White House. Coherent communication is for elite losers! She goes ape displaying her magnificent lack of understanding about how the world works before insisting that our country needs someone unafraid of TuffChoices™ and implying that the very person to tackle all the complexities we face (not Blackie, no worries) is ..herself. It's like Dick Cheney's searching high and low only to discover that the perfect VP candidate was right under his taint all along. OK, it's not.

  41. PalinzADummy

    Jesus Christ, how did anybody sit through this? Caaaamyunist countries … bla bla … terrrr … bla bla …

    She even manages to turn "Barack," which means "Blessing," into something abominable. Does she have really bad adenoids or something?

  42. GOPCrusher

    She just needs to go all out and declare that she will take Second Amendment remedies if the U.S. starts trade relations with Cuba.

  43. Chichikovovich

    Or, in Danish/Norwegian: "ni, ni, ni". Frankly, I'd prefer a shrubbery. Two, in fact, so we could get a nice layered effect.

  44. SayItWithWookies

    After all the Fair Tax hype over the last couple of elections I read some articles where they did the math and figured no flat tax less than about 35-40 percent would bring in the same amount of revenue as our current code. So this was a no-brainer economically to begin with since it slashes corporate and personal taxes — but it has the added attraction of basically tripling the sales tax, which is already horribly regressive.

    So if those libertarian kids think this is the way to go, they'd better be in the top tax bracket or, like everyone else who isn't, they're screwed. 9-9-9 is taxes of the rich, by the rich and for the rich.

  45. PalinzADummy

    Uh … not to be difficult, or nothin', but is there any nation anywhere with a lower illiteracy rate than Mississipi?

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