Symbolic Washington Monument Symbolically Closed Forever By Earthquake Damage

Here is some terrifying video at the 500-foot level of the Washington Monument during the big East Coast earthquake. The government helpfully didn’t reveal the extent of the damage, nor this frightening video, until now. Check out the ranger gal — seen here in the original NPS clip scratching her head and texting until the quake strikes — as she looks up in horror and then either leads the tourists to safety or just runs like hell! Also, what happened to the last guy who came back, and then never went down the stairs again? The made-up answer may surprise you!

Also, best YouTube comment goes to this guy:

This is a Democracy. I vote that we install the Eye of Sauron on top of the Washington Monument

Shadowprince9, everybody! And the answer to our quiz is “taken to Heaven” because the guy in the hat was actually Jesus … or Mohammad … or Captain Kirk, one of those d00dz. [Washington Post]

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  1. PuckStopsHere

    They'll spend whatever it takes to fix it as long as an offset in the budget (and by offset I mean taking money away from poor people) can be found.

  2. flamingpdog

    They needs to place a giant condom over the Monument so it will be "safe" the next time "the earth moves."

    1. Ken Layne

      A dozen years ago, it did have a giant condom over it. This was during the famous (?) restoration of 1999-2000, and it actually looked better with the modernist black/metal grill over it.

      But, considering how shitty workmanship is, in this era, I would not be surprised to learn that the renovation actually weakened the phallic monument that had been doing okay beforehand. (Also, before major earthquakes began destroying the city of Washington.)

      1. Negropolis

        One day, nature is going to reclaim the entire mall. It's nothing but a soggy, infilled piece of crap, anyway. I'll miss the Smithsonian castle, that's for true.

  3. MiniMencken

    Another indicator it is high time the National Parks Service got busy creating the Martha Washington monument, a hole 555' deep. Much safer and long lasting.

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Great clip! I especially like the AA guns shooting from that beach that's right next to the Washington monument….

      But seriously, would aliens even bother destroying Washington today???

  4. Negropolis

    It was a pity it was the Washingotn Monumnet and not the Capitol. Mayhaps, if the fuckers were forced to legislate in the open-air on the Mall, rain or shine, shit would actually start getting done. I'd get some millionaire to set up some grandstands nearby so that we could heckle them until roundly.

    1. poncho_pilot

      they'd probably just move to an "undisclosed location". no more C-SPAN. Cheney doesn't want cameras in his Penguin lair.

  5. Come here a minute

    The man in the (yellow?) hat had to stay behind to keep shaking the camera. There was nobody left to continue sprinkling rock shards on the floor.

  6. johnnyzhivago

    I call BS – obviously fake video, shot on a sound stage. Just B. Hussain's elaborate plot to close one of our precious monuments and dishonor the founding fathers. Next thing you know it will be taken down brick by brick and moved to Mecca.

    The guy in the hat IS Obama – just a little slick camera work here (it's called a "tripod" so the director doesn't have to hold the camera all the time) – just like Alfred Hitchcock, wants to have a little cameo in all of his "work".

    1. Mahousu

      The conspiracy is deeper than you know – the whole Washington Monument is fake. OK, there's a scale model about 15 feet tall that they use various camera tricks to incorporate into photographs and the like, but it's about as real as the Starship Enterprise.

      If you think about it, the whole idea that there would be some kind of Egyptian obelisk as a memorial to the first American president is absurd. What was he, a Pharaoh or something?

      Similarly, we used to pretend there was a giant pagoda set up to honor John Adams, but that proved so laughable we dropped it.

  7. arihaya

    clearly this is sign from Jehovah that we need to step up the prosecutions of Gheys, Muslins, and Messicans

  8. Redhead

    I love the ranger's face when the shaking starts and she looks up – "I did NOT sign on for this shit!"

    And then cowboy Jesus comes running up to make sure all the teabaggers got out safely, since they couldn't use the elevator and their scooters don't do well with stairs.

      1. mayor_quimby

        Stephanie Miller loves labia? I didn't know that, somehow. She's not on in my confedrate radio market since Air America went tits up.

  9. dr_giraud

    They better tell the nearby homeland security snipers about the engineers rappelling down the monument. . . .

  10. Spurning Beer

    If we let go of the idea that the Government has to do everything, other options become obvious. Let's get Big Parks out of the monument business, and privatize it. Imagine the bidding war for naming rights and logo rights. The Levitra™-Washington Monument? The Hustler™ Monument to George Washington, brought to you by Larry Flynt? The Adam and Eve™ Mandingo Supreme Washington Monument? The Astroglide™ Personal Lubricant Washington Monument??

    The Santorum 2016 Washington Monument?

  11. Goonemeritus

    Good luck importing decent Italian stone masons to fix it with all the anti-immigration sentiment today. If we use American masons it will come out looking like a Hyatt.

  12. OneYieldRegular

    That hat guy. I'm sure I've seen him before, dressed as a salmon in San Francisco's Bay-to-Breakers race, running from the breakers to the bay.

  13. hagajim

    Is it just me, or is it somewhat symbolic that out great national phallus is nearly as broken as the nation itself?

  14. NorthStarSpanx

    It's shorter in stature, but they could always relocate the phallus from The Town.

    Rep. Allen West will drive.

  15. mavenmaven

    The Republican congress will authorize the repairs only if they get to put guns and cannons on top, for "s'curity".

  16. Doktor Zoom

    Strange. I kept expecting a voiceover to announce "To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, do not destroy Vital Testing Apparatus."

  17. ttommyunger

    Amazing no one fell, considering all the shit on those steps; Hell, I almost shit myself just watching it.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm sure if they just get a giant suction pump to surround it, the monument will spring back to life.

  19. Negropolis

    They interviewed the park ranger seen in the video, and she admits her first reaction was to push pass the tourist to get down the monument before she remembered that she was at work. lol Seriously, though, I don't begrudge a human for choosing flight over fight when it comes to an earthquake. You try to fight and earthquake and you lose every time.

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