DISASTERS  2:03 am September 27, 2011

Symbolic Washington Monument Symbolically Closed Forever By Earthquake Damage

by Wonkette Jr.

Here is some terrifying video at the 500-foot level of the Washington Monument during the big East Coast earthquake. The government helpfully didn’t reveal the extent of the damage, nor this frightening video, until now. Check out the ranger gal — seen here in the original NPS clip scratching her head and texting until the quake strikes — as she looks up in horror and then either leads the tourists to safety or just runs like hell! Also, what happened to the last guy who came back, and then never went down the stairs again? The made-up answer may surprise you!

Also, best YouTube comment goes to this guy:

This is a Democracy. I´╗┐ vote that we install the Eye of Sauron on top of the Washington Monument
shadowprince9

Shadowprince9, everybody! And the answer to our quiz is “taken to Heaven” because the guy in the hat was actually Jesus … or Mohammad … or Captain Kirk, one of those d00dz. [Washington Post]

 
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{ 60 comments }

PuckStopsHere September 27, 2011 at 2:12 am

They'll spend whatever it takes to fix it as long as an offset in the budget (and by offset I mean taking money away from poor people) can be found.

flamingpdog September 27, 2011 at 2:36 am

They needs to place a giant condom over the Monument so it will be "safe" the next time "the earth moves."

arihaya September 27, 2011 at 7:13 am

and this has to done quickly before our next 2012 erection

Ken Layne September 27, 2011 at 12:18 pm

A dozen years ago, it did have a giant condom over it. This was during the famous (?) restoration of 1999-2000, and it actually looked better with the modernist black/metal grill over it.

But, considering how shitty workmanship is, in this era, I would not be surprised to learn that the renovation actually weakened the phallic monument that had been doing okay beforehand. (Also, before major earthquakes began destroying the city of Washington.)

Negropolis September 27, 2011 at 10:05 pm

One day, nature is going to reclaim the entire mall. It's nothing but a soggy, infilled piece of crap, anyway. I'll miss the Smithsonian castle, that's for true.

MiniMencken September 27, 2011 at 2:47 am

Another indicator it is high time the National Parks Service got busy creating the Martha Washington monument, a hole 555' deep. Much safer and long lasting.

CrankyLttlCamperette September 27, 2011 at 7:57 am

You've obviously never ridden the escalator at Dupont Circle…

Negropolis September 27, 2011 at 8:03 am

Talk about vertigo.

flamingpdog September 27, 2011 at 2:50 am
johnnyzhivago September 27, 2011 at 7:28 am

Great clip! I especially like the AA guns shooting from that beach that's right next to the Washington monument….

But seriously, would aliens even bother destroying Washington today???

Monsieur_Grumpe September 27, 2011 at 11:32 am

Further proof that illegal aliens are destroying America.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Thanks! I love bad '50s scifi movies.

Bowmanave September 27, 2011 at 2:52 am

All that nanny-state regulation is preventing our freedom to be pancaked by shoddy contractor work.

NorthStarSpanx September 27, 2011 at 10:38 am

Don't get caught in an earthquake in Wasilla.

Negropolis September 27, 2011 at 3:07 am

It was a pity it was the Washingotn Monumnet and not the Capitol. Mayhaps, if the fuckers were forced to legislate in the open-air on the Mall, rain or shine, shit would actually start getting done. I'd get some millionaire to set up some grandstands nearby so that we could heckle them until roundly.

poncho_pilot September 27, 2011 at 7:28 am

they'd probably just move to an "undisclosed location". no more C-SPAN. Cheney doesn't want cameras in his Penguin lair.

Negropolis September 27, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Good, then. I say we put a cap on their little lair and set up a real government.

Come here a minute September 27, 2011 at 5:57 am

The man in the (yellow?) hat had to stay behind to keep shaking the camera. There was nobody left to continue sprinkling rock shards on the floor.

johnnyzhivago September 27, 2011 at 6:21 am

I call BS – obviously fake video, shot on a sound stage. Just B. Hussain's elaborate plot to close one of our precious monuments and dishonor the founding fathers. Next thing you know it will be taken down brick by brick and moved to Mecca.

The guy in the hat IS Obama – just a little slick camera work here (it's called a "tripod" so the director doesn't have to hold the camera all the time) – just like Alfred Hitchcock, wants to have a little cameo in all of his "work".

arihaya September 27, 2011 at 7:15 am

Alex Jones: "DC Quake was an inside job"

Mahousu September 27, 2011 at 7:30 am

The conspiracy is deeper than you know – the whole Washington Monument is fake. OK, there's a scale model about 15 feet tall that they use various camera tricks to incorporate into photographs and the like, but it's about as real as the Starship Enterprise.

If you think about it, the whole idea that there would be some kind of Egyptian obelisk as a memorial to the first American president is absurd. What was he, a Pharaoh or something?

Similarly, we used to pretend there was a giant pagoda set up to honor John Adams, but that proved so laughable we dropped it.

HistoriCat September 27, 2011 at 11:14 am

You're saying the Starship Enterprise is a fake? What are you a Communist?

ApplesauceRobot September 27, 2011 at 6:34 am

Nothing a little Cialis won't fix.

arihaya September 27, 2011 at 7:12 am

some of wingnuts' peepee are too small for even Cialis to make difference

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 10:03 pm

You're cruel, but honest. I like that in a person.

arihaya September 27, 2011 at 7:11 am

clearly this is sign from Jehovah that we need to step up the prosecutions of Gheys, Muslins, and Messicans

Guppy06 September 27, 2011 at 10:14 am

You misspelled "executions."

Redhead September 27, 2011 at 7:17 am

I love the ranger's face when the shaking starts and she looks up – "I did NOT sign on for this shit!"

And then cowboy Jesus comes running up to make sure all the teabaggers got out safely, since they couldn't use the elevator and their scooters don't do well with stairs.

Radiotherapy® September 27, 2011 at 7:24 am

Who doesn't love a shaking phallus?

AlterNewt September 27, 2011 at 8:33 am

Stephanie Miller?

mayor_quimby September 27, 2011 at 10:37 am

Stephanie Miller loves labia? I didn't know that, somehow. She's not on in my confedrate radio market since Air America went tits up.

arihaya September 27, 2011 at 9:01 am

Michelle Bachmann?

hagajim September 27, 2011 at 10:26 am

Lou Sarah…unless it belongs to a black basketball player.

DaRooster September 27, 2011 at 10:44 am

Breitbart?

Wait… don't shoot tough guy!

hollywooddood September 27, 2011 at 11:33 am

Christine O' Donnell?

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I dunno, she's getting plenty of that from her boyfriend, Pudd'nCup, the Christian rocker.

GregComlish September 27, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Ellen Degeneres?

BaldarTFlagass September 27, 2011 at 7:53 am

Could have done without the last minute or so.

dr_giraud September 27, 2011 at 7:58 am

They better tell the nearby homeland security snipers about the engineers rappelling down the monument. . . .

Spurning Beer September 27, 2011 at 8:20 am

If we let go of the idea that the Government has to do everything, other options become obvious. Let's get Big Parks out of the monument business, and privatize it. Imagine the bidding war for naming rights and logo rights. The Levitra™-Washington Monument? The Hustler™ Monument to George Washington, brought to you by Larry Flynt? The Adam and Eve™ Mandingo Supreme Washington Monument? The Astroglide™ Personal Lubricant Washington Monument??

The Santorum 2016 Washington Monument?

AlterNewt September 27, 2011 at 8:27 am

Attn.Park Rangers:

Learn (and avoid) your cam locations.

Goonemeritus September 27, 2011 at 8:55 am

Good luck importing decent Italian stone masons to fix it with all the anti-immigration sentiment today. If we use American masons it will come out looking like a Hyatt.

DashboardBuddha September 27, 2011 at 8:59 am

Or worse, a John Hyatt.

HistoriCat September 27, 2011 at 11:22 am

We can just do what we did with the MLK memorial – use Chinese labor.

Negropolis September 27, 2011 at 10:04 pm

You wish. We'd be lucky if it turns out the quality of a La Quinta Inn.

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 10:05 pm

As long as it's not FRED Hiatt's.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 27, 2011 at 8:57 am

To whoever is going to be repairing the monument. Two words.
Gorilla Glue.

flamingpdog September 27, 2011 at 2:22 pm

So giant gorillas can climb it?

PalinzADummy September 27, 2011 at 10:06 pm

And get stuck! And we can shoot them dow, pew, pew, pew!

OneYieldRegular September 27, 2011 at 9:53 am

That hat guy. I'm sure I've seen him before, dressed as a salmon in San Francisco's Bay-to-Breakers race, running from the breakers to the bay.

hagajim September 27, 2011 at 10:25 am

Is it just me, or is it somewhat symbolic that out great national phallus is nearly as broken as the nation itself?

NorthStarSpanx September 27, 2011 at 10:40 am

It's shorter in stature, but they could always relocate the phallus from The Town.

Rep. Allen West will drive.

HelmutNewton September 27, 2011 at 10:50 am

Without the oppressive hand of government interfering, that ought to buff right out!

chascates September 27, 2011 at 10:52 am

Just the beginning of what DC will look like after the teatards have had their way. Such as http://tinyurl.com/3ez5gql.

weejee September 27, 2011 at 11:04 am

Clearly, Washington has lost it marbles.

Sorry, too early in the morning for that.

mavenmaven September 27, 2011 at 11:36 am

The Republican congress will authorize the repairs only if they get to put guns and cannons on top, for "s'curity".

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Strange. I kept expecting a voiceover to announce "To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, do not destroy Vital Testing Apparatus."

ttommyunger September 27, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Amazing no one fell, considering all the shit on those steps; Hell, I almost shit myself just watching it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 27, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I'm sure if they just get a giant suction pump to surround it, the monument will spring back to life.

Negropolis September 27, 2011 at 10:07 pm

They interviewed the park ranger seen in the video, and she admits her first reaction was to push pass the tourist to get down the monument before she remembered that she was at work. lol Seriously, though, I don't begrudge a human for choosing flight over fight when it comes to an earthquake. You try to fight and earthquake and you lose every time.

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