flotus files

FLOTUS Builds House for Women Vets With Space-Age Vegetable Machine

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That's MRS. Flotus to you...Twinkie and french fry enthusiasts (or, “The American People”) often forget that our FLOTUS has another cause, besides constructing a genocide against slob children. But she does, and this cause is The Troops, because nutritious lifestyle initiatives have turned out to be really polarizing for some reason, and Michelle Obama figured she should pick another hobby that everyone loves (for the most part) so she could continue to reign as the most popular or at least most tolerable Obama. It was for this second cause that our FLOTUS went on prime time teevee last night, to build a house for lady veterans. But she couldn’t just build a house, she had to add in some fresh vegetables and crazy technology, because that is Michelle Obama’s way.

Michelle Obama appeared on the season premiere of ABC’s “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” to help construct the “Steps-n-Stages Jubilee House for women veterans in need of assistance or a place to stay.” Apparently, our FLOTUS has “limited” construction skills, which is hard believe because, hello, those arms. But she helped with ladylike things, such as hanging plaques and OH OF COURSE, coming at these women veterans with her own healthy eating agenda, demonstrated in the video.

It seems as though a machine that moves vegetables from the backyard to the kitchen is somewhat counterproductive when it comes to Michelle Obama’s suggestion that human beings get off their butts and at least walk around, but maybe not? Even teevee stars like that Ty Pennington fellow must submit to Michelle Obama’s vegetable gardening, calorie-conscious lifestyle. Michelle Obama rules us all! Or at least we wish she would. [AOL TV]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke


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  • SorosBot

    Did Michelle use her magnificent arms to slap that show's annoying-ass host in the face? Every time I see an ad for that I really want to slap that smarmy grin off him.

  • justkillmenow

    One lucky (?) family in our town got a home from these asshats. Totally deserving, no doubt about it. But the new place is huge and will likely increase their property taxes. And the decorating….yikes!

    So now they live in a nice big house they can't afford or stand to be inside of.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      And the heating bills, electricity, etc. etc. Too big. At least the house for the women army vets is more than just one private home.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ty Pennington? Isn't that the Howdy-Doody looking kid that quarterbacked for the Jets and the Dolphins a couple years back? Now he's got a TV show?

    • chicken_thief

      That was hanging Chad, twin brother once removed, of Matthew McConaughey. Chad was perennially voted "the NFL QB That Threw Like A Girl the Most"

    • mayor_quimby

      He probably does have a show he isn't good enouh for, seeing how good he was at stealing money in the NFL.

  • Callyson

    "This will be a good unifying project…"
    Only if they keep Republicans out–otherwise, tomato food fight in 3…2…1…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Female vet: "I'd rather lose my other leg to another IED than eat that fucking broccoli."

  • edgydrifter

    On which floor is the Kortney Vegetable Enjoyment Boudoir?

    • widestanceshakedown

      Kortney 'loves' her veggies on all floors.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    If they had a homeless woman veteran ask a question in the next Republican Debate, they would boo her for not marrying a good man and having a nice home…

    • Negropolis

      You know, I was actually watching part of the show, and that very same thought crossed my mind. I can't believe I'm thinking about, without provocation, what Republicans would think of people on television shows.

  • Goonemeritus

    Just what returning veterans long for a mortar round shaped vegetable container hurtling towards them with intemperate speed.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well I won't be surprised when I go to my bank's drive-thru window to cash a check and I get it in carrots and green peppers instead of money.

    • kissawookiee

      Are you sure you aren't getting it in red and yellow bells? Cause those goddamn things might as well be made of gold, considering how much Safeway charges for 'em.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Yes but they arrange them in packages of three colors like stop lights ( at my market here in the midwest) so the artistic labor makes them worth the price? Right?

        No, of course not. Never mind.

  • chicken_thief

    Before we do one goddamn thing for those vets I wanna make sure that there's not a one 'a them that gots the geyh. Who the hell knows what they are gonna do with cucumbers, carrots, and shit. I know from watching the Republican debate that "geyh" trumps "soldier" and even "soldier currently stationed in a war zone". Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em, I say. Well, not literally, of course…. 'cept maybe the lezbo ones. 'Cause we all know that that's what they really need.

  • ChessieNefercat

    I love my wonderful FLOTUS. She is the smartest, most beautiful, awesomest first lady ever.

    Anyone who says stupid mean things about my FLOTUS because she would like Americans to live long, healthy, happy, sexy lives is a poopyheaded dumbass, always was, and always will be. I am looking at you, 'baggers, and your harpy caterwauling queen.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Thumbing this from envy. I've been looking for the opportunity (no joke!) to use the word "caterwaul" and there it just went~

      • ChessieNefercat

        Oh, just mosey on over to any article anywhere that mentions the Alaskan Snowshrew and it will fit right in.

        I'm happy to report that the dictionary definition is:
        1. to utter long wailing cries, as cats in rutting time.
        2. to utter a similar sound; howl or screech.
        3. to quarrel like cats.

        Sure sounds like any random emanation from her piehole.

    • Mojopo

      I have a garden because of FLOTUS, and you bitches do not. Join her Awesome Club or be a poopyhead forever.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    I don't care what anyone says, she's the classiest thing going in American politics today.

    • chicken_thief

      You mean, even classier than Joe Walsh?!

      • Negropolis

        Joe is about as classy as a loose bowel movement.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Message taken, I guess: if anything can pry a batch of fresh veggies from Michlle's long, strong arms, it's a vacuum tube suctioning them off to the nearest needy recipient — whether said recipient is aware what's hurtling in their direction or not.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I long for the day when a Flotus doesn't have to take on such stereotypical female pursuits. Why can't we have a Flotus who's a supporter of engineering or space travel or neuroscience?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Or shooting stuff?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Have you already forgotten the gloriously pantsuited '90s?!

    • Negropolis

      Can you even imagine that kind of hitback their would be if the First Lady overtly displayed her educational attrainment in her endeavours as the First Lady? They already believe her to be too "uppity" as it is.

  • DemonicRage

    She should build a house for multiple Political campaign veterans who have absorbed too much hair dye over the years and, as a consequence of which, are experiencing brain loss. There is a former Governor of Massachusetts who should be offered a room in this group home.

  • widestanceshakedown

    What the hell is wrong with a cheesesteak sub house, elitists?

  • fuflans

    that is the stupidest home invention since, well i can't even think of anything this stupid.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Farming households and professional tennis courts already have an invention for such purposes: rugrats.

  • fuflans

    also, i have the world's ugliest 70's bathroom. i would like michelle to come over and fix it too.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      You have to hang out in Lowe's or Menards twirling your showerhead on a chain to attract a "Crasher." Or so HGTV would have you believe.

      • fuflans

        well the key attractions of MY bathroom – mirrored walls/ceiling, carpeted walls – are hard to tote to menards.

        tho people frequently tell me i should submit to 'those shows that fix up your house and you would totally win'.

  • Pat_Pending

    Organic nose jobs for everyone!

    • Negropolis

      So, that's what the kids are calling a punch to the nose, these days.

  • BlueStateLibel

    So if people start growing their own vegetables, won't this detrimentally affect the profits of giant corporate agri-business? Hengh?

    • HistoriCat

      Have you been reading Dignity?

  • El Pinche


  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    This holds promise for pranks aplenty. I already feel for the unwitting vet who's just gotten the walky-talky message "Dinner's coming!" only to open the magic door and find raw, unwashed & uncooked, when 'dinner' with a capital 'D' usually implies julienne'd, duchesse'd, &/or fricasséed.

  • orygoon

    Shit. I mean, shit. I garden some. And you know what I want-and-need that costs a bunch of money? Not a pneumatic tube, you asshats, but a big-ass high-quality rototiller. so I can grow more of my own hobo beans without fucking up my arthritic bits so much.

    But I guess the toob is more telegenic.

    • AJWjr.

      You just need a salad shooter.

  • Mojopo

    I wish I had the vacuum tube. I'd load it with loose bean burritos and set it on "HIGH" every April Fool's Day.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This is racist!

  • MiniMencken

    The Sister is just keeping it real, in Farmville.

  • Negropolis

    Judging the Most Popular Obama contest is like judging the best fast food restaurant.

  • sati_demise

    how much money did they waste on that fucking tube? most ridiculous thing I have ever seen, srsly, WTF is wrong with carrying a nice basket to harvest your garden?

  • schvitzatura

    An insolvent non-TARP bank had to sacrifice its drive-thru just so FLOTUS could shoot veggies into a kitchen, in some dystopian 1950's house of the future suburban nightmare.

    Also, pneumatic tubes in George Orwell's "1984"; the Ministry of Truth delivers newspapers to Winston's desk containing articles to be "rectified"…

  • schvitzatura

    It's not a big truck…it's a series of tubes, tangled up tubes…Snowbilly Ted knew.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Michelle Antoinette also has a human sized vacuum tube to send the fatties to the camps. Although she failed because she didn't make it large enough. Womp womp…