classic jokes from 2009

Rick Scott Tells Obama Teleprompter Joke He Read Off Teleprompter

Lame jokes will not make your hair grow back, Rick Scott. It doesn't work that way.Remember how every Republican and self-serious political journalist in America afew years ago had a mysterious collective aneurysm over their “discovery” that fraud wizard Barack Obama reads off a teleprompter to deliver speeches, just like every other politician has done since the invention of teleprompters? Ha ha, a literate Negro, that is a great joke to Republicans! Florida slob king Rick Scott still gets a chuckle when he thinks about it. Black people! Reading! That is a white guy’s job. Rick Scott will prove this important point by mocking Obama for reading off a teleprompter by, yes, reading his joke off a teleprompter. ZING!

TPM has the excerpt from Rick Scott’s speech to the Florida GOP P5 straw poll with a note that the transcript on the teleprompter apparently has the text of the joke underlined so Scott wouldn’t forget to emphasize the joke:

Good afternoon, and welcome to Presidency 5!

I have to admit, i was a little nervous When I looked out here.

i saw all the TV cameras and a teleprompter. I figured President Obama must be here – giving another speech about raising taxes!

Seriously, though, it’s great to see you all today.

HAR HAR we laughed so hard on that one. Rick Scott should go on a comedy tour. [TPM]

Comments

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  • Barb

    Herman Cain won that Florida straw poll. Not since he managed to get the rats at Godfathers's pizza to wear hairnets has there been a prouder moment for him.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      lol
      Barb you're on your A game this morn.

      • Barb

        Morning WeeJee! Thanks!

      • PalinzADummy

        She sure is. I'm not gonna be able to eat a pizza again ever without thanking TPTB for making those tiny little rat hairnets.

    • flamingpdog

      I must have a better class of rats in my neighborhood than in yours. Rats here wouldn't step foot in a Godfather's Pizza joint.

      • PalinzADummy

        TO POOP ON!

    • Omophagist

      Cain wants to abolish the FDA because he believes it's unconstitutional and anti-American to limit the amount of rat feces allowable in the food-like substances his chain sells.

      • Barb

        I heard that he wants to loosen up the standards so that he can go back to thickening their soup with Vaseline.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          With more Vaseline it might be useful for something. Now they just run it through the horse twice and watch you wince.

        • PalinzADummy

          He's serving Vaseline soup to rats? That can't be good.

  • edgydrifter

    The president is near!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      No! Gol dang it dad blame it! The president's a BONG!

      • PalinzADummy

        If the President WAS a bong (which, incidentally, is a mildly mocking way of referring to people from Bengal), I would delight to inhale the burning pot that I would place in … WUT? Why is everybody staring at me?

  • Schmannnity

    Needz more Medicare fraud. Har Har.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Needs moar pre-reelection campaign drug testing requirement

  • Ruhe

    Did the straw poll participants have to pee in a cup before casting their ballot?

    • Mahousu

      Peeing in a cup was how they cast their ballots.

      Though I think peeing on the candidates themselves would have been a better method.

    • DaRooster

      Nah, they're white.

      • Beowoof

        Well that's why they were all peeing on the black guy. Makes sense then how Cain won.

        • PalinzADummy

          I thought that was bukkake. No?

          (shuffles back to reading tentacle hentai)

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yes, but not for testing. Rick just needed to top off his precious bodily fluids collection.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey Rick, you should look up irony on dictionary.com.

    • bflrtsplk

      Irony? Rick Scott probably pays some illegal to do his irony. A little less starch on that smear tactic, amigo."

    • PalinzADummy

      Rick's in the Irony & Steel business. He revels in the Irony while Steeling from the masses.

  • slithytoves

    Slow news day?

    • LiveToServeYa

      That was my thought. What, with shut-downs and straw-polls and stuff, oh my!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Scott is pretty funny for a slimy crook who preys on the weak.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Other than the teleprompter & being black, these guys got nothing on Barry. I'm sure that pisses them off to no end.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Well, there's the horrific Solyndra scandal, in which Obama killed Vince Foster and Mary Jo Kopechne

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        And Lincoln, too, also.

      • PalinzADummy

        I wish he'd just stop doing that. Just for a few minutes, or something.

    • Sue4466

      But he said there's 57 states! that's as bad as anything anyone in the GOP has ever said. Apparently. Cause the righties bring it up all the time.

      • Chichikovovich

        Corpsemen!

        And then there was that time he said the police had acted "stupidly" when he admitted that he didn't know "all the facts" about the arrest of Gates – only the fact that a nearly 60 year old guy with no criminal record had been decoyed out of his own home and arrested on his own porch for nothing more than getting irritated at a police officer who wouldn't leave, even after said old guy had shown id demonstrating that it was, in fact, his house. [Something that, had it happened to a gun-packing tea partier, would have had a mob of Nathan Hale – costumed banshees at full division strength, camped out at the Cambridge police headquarters.]

        Oh, and that last remark, aimed at a handful of police officers, was disrespecting policemen from coast to coast, unlike trying to break their unions, cut their salaries and deny them bargaining rights, which is just helping them toward freedom.

      • PalinzADummy

        Well … they got nuthin' else. You want them to STFU? Is that what it is, you Lib H8rs?

        They gotta go with what they got, man. That's just how they roll (and roll and roll and roll, straight into a pit filled with slime and ooze and other bent, burning, twisted fucks just like them).

        Oh, sorry, am I being a mite bitter again?

    • Sparky_McGruff

      It's funny because he's black, and therefore stupid. Unlike Rick Perry, who is obviously a genius.

      Conservative Humor is essentially angry racist rants, that are only "funny" to angry racists. I can't think of any exceptions.

      • HistoriCat

        Well, sometimes they take a break from the racism and throw in some sexism or homophobia, just to keep things fresh.

      • PalinzADummy

        That's what the whole "teleprompter" wahwah is about. He's A NEAR! He can't possibly be intelligent, educated, and capable of crushing White Men verbally! It's gotta be a white man writing his speeches and feeding them to him on a machine, just like a white man wrote his books, 'cos everyone knows them darkies just do drugs and have hippity hop Negroes desecrate the WHITE House and get dubious sex from strange men in their drug-money-purchased limos.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Real Americans write their notes on their palms

  • chicken_thief

    Needz more robocalls reading the teleprompted script of what a great fucking job – or great job fucking?! – he's doing in the nation's flaccid penis state.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Did you hear the one about a bald, white, guy from Florida who wishes he had the intellect to match that of the sitting black president.

    I didn't either.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    We can't have the coloreds stealing all the white people's teleprompter readin' jerbs, can we now.
    ~

    • PubOption

      They have already moved into the TV newsrooms, even at our local Fox station.

  • Barrelhse

    Peckerhead.

    • mannacler

      If I had a head like that I would peel it back and piss through it.

      • PalinzADummy

        For all we know, that's exactly how he pisses.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Good afternoon, and welcome to Presidency 5

    Presidency 5 sounds like a prog rock lounge act.

    • fuflans

      or a bad tv show.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      I don't think that band would be worth the cover charge.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Holy shit a republican that can read!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I figured President Obama must be here – giving another speech about raising taxes!"

    This guy's a regular Bob Hope, he is.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Yeah. Bob Hope actually gave up a lot of his time to entertain our military.
      This guy entertains thoughts of a superiority complex.

    • Chichikovovich

      He went on to joke that Phyllis Diller is ugly and Raquel Welch isn't, and TV dinners are tasteless.

    • Limeylizzie

      If you mean the guy that I saw , years ago, being wheeled down Park Avenue , actively drooling whilst the single gayest person I have ever seen was singing show tunes to him, well, then yes.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Considering Bob Hope's derisive remark about my grandfather at a USO event where Grampa Dreamer sang for the assembled soldiers — Gramps was a Singin' Lieutenient — that "they need to get that Dago off the stage", I'd say Ol' Bob would be down with the Tea Party's race humor.

      • PalinzADummy

        That is just disgusting. I never did like Bob Hope, and now I hate him, on behalf of your singing Grampa. What a creep.

    • Buckminster

      Yeah, Bob Hope in The Road to Perdition, sans Dorothy Lamour

  • MrFizzy

    I'm surprised that Florida's version of Uncle Fester can read at all.

    • AJWjr.

      Fester libel!

      • MrFizzy

        LOL – I may have meant Cousin It now that I think of it.

        • AJWjr.

          Perhaps coincidentally I more closely resemble Cousin It than I do Uncle Fester, but the avatar was appropriate to a post long ago, and now intense debate forgot my password so I can't change it.

        • PalinzADummy

          Uh … Cousin IT had hair?

  • chascates

    And then Scott asks Herman Cain to bring him a glass of water.

    • Slim_Pickins

      No, that's a woman's job, so Michele Bachmann

      • HistoriCat

        Cain better get busy shining Scott's shoes!

  • mereoblivion

    Florida's governor: He Who Cannot Be Shamed

  • widestanceshakedown

    Three words: Herman Munster Cain. . .so STFU already, asswipe state leader.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It's like finding honesty in your corrupt administration.
    It's a free ride when on the hardworking taxpayer dime.
    It's the good advice (like seriously shut the fuck up) that you just didn't take
    Who would've thought… it figures

  • DaRooster

    "Rick Scott should go on a comedy tour."

    Wait let me run to the store for eggs!

    • PalinzADummy

      Look for the fruit in the bargain bin and get a couple bags o'that, too.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    His head is as good as a blank billboard.
    May I sugggest:

    Kick Me
    Insert brain here
    or
    A Hair Club for Men advertisment?

    • PalinzADummy

      Graffiti. Where's Banksy when you need him?

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Rick Scott seems like he isn't even trying down there… Put a little effort into being an idiot tea partier man.

  • Preferred Customer

    I'd like to hear his version of the Aristocrats. I bet it's even creepier than Bob Saget's.

  • DaRooster

    You wish Obama was there… then you could have someone with a brain at your little shindig.

    (bah-dum-dum)

  • SorosBot

    Next, he'll have a fresh joke about Al Gore inventing the internet, and another about Monica Lewinsky.

    • not that Dewey

      I hear Jimmy Carter wears a sweater. HAR!

      • Chichikovovich

        Adelai Stevenson – does he look like a hound dog or what? Amirite, people?

    • Schmannnity

      Coming up: Carter malaise and sweaters

      • widestanceshakedown

        Sweaters: The New Uncertainty

      • SorosBot

        That Ted Kennedy sure likes to drink!

        Maybe we should try to be as original as the Lenoian Republicans, and keep making jokes how Dan Quayle can't spell potato and Bob Dole speaks in the third person.

        • PalinzADummy

          ALL the Republican candidates have begun speaking in the third person.

    • El Pinche

      At lunch , I overheard an Obama-bashing lunch session between two wingnuts sitting behind me (grown men who drive cars!) . Add some Soros conspiracy , and that about summed it up.

  • bflrtsplk

    I don't know which Star Wars or Star Trek character that is is next to the, ahem, Good Governor, but you do him a grave injustice posting his picture next to such a lowlife.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      The strange looking tall guy from Men In Black
      http://www.revampedthemovie.com/images/large/care

      I would not be surprised that Rick Scott is an alien.

      • El Pinche

        Yes, he's a Dickheadian from the galaxy Unfunniuxus.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I think it's Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies, (before he started the acupuncture treatments).

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Tom Marvolo Riddle. Hope that helps.

    • Shellwith2Ls

      It's the big bad from Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort. Except that Voldemort is less creepy than Rick Scott.

  • orygoon

    "(C)omedy tour."

    Look at your photo, dammit. That mug would make all the children cry! WHY DOES WONKETTE HATE THE KIDDIES!?

    • PalinzADummy

      Why not? All the kiddies ever do is cry and whine … oh, wut? You say those are the teabaggers.

      All right then.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I don't care who ya are, that's funny right there.

    • Chichikovovich

      Classic principles of comedy: Justin Verlander is a great pitcher, so if I say "Justin Verlander is a terrible pitcher", it's a joke, right? And since Obama is actually a great speaker ex tempore, and has cut taxes rather than raised them, this is also a remark at which we laugh, and it gives us hearty pleasure.

  • Beowoof

    Another instance where a Florida politican does not speak well of the people who elected him. I had thought that I would retire to Florida, now I will fly my Grandkids cross country to Disney Land before I darken the door of Florida every again. Not a single one of my liberal dollars will be spent in the place that elected this asshole.

  • edgydrifter

    Because everything was so much better when we had a president who couldn't read from his teleprompters.

    • Schmannnity

      America wants to know, is our children reading their teleprompters?

    • El Pinche

      Ha..exactly.

    • PalinzADummy

      Fool me once, shame … shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on … shame on … we can't get fooled again.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Well there's at least one accomplishment I can credit Scott for. His boneheaded efforts and replicant-appeal make predecessor Jeb Bush look smart enough, even by conservatard standards, to have actually earned that doofus Republican-genius award.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Not really.

      jeb's really running things behind the scenes.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I got a great joke about the horseless carriage Rick Scott can borrow.

    • PalinzADummy

      Don't lend it to him, RENT it. With all those billions he ripped off of Social Security, he can afford to pay.

    • Buckminster

      Or about that newfangled invention, tha intarweb?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Rick Scott is the embodiment of the Peter Principle. All that way back to the time that he opened his doughnut shop.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "Stupidity is the soul of wit."

    — Rick William Scottspeare

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Meanwhile, in news about 720 degrees from this idiocy, Einstein was wrong, maybe.
    http://idealab.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/09/was-

    • RedneckMuslin

      The problem with traveling faster than the speed of light is that no one sees you coming. I think there is a similar problem with the Prius traveling faster than the speed of sound and nobody hears it coming.

    • proudgrampa

      Wow. That would be very significant, if proven and verified.

      Maybe our jet backpacks are closer to reality than we realize!!

    • fuflans

      and yet other parts of fermilab are shutting down due to lack of funding. (just to bring us back to baggers and their discontents).

      also can we see what happens if a bagger is fired through Fermilab’s Main Injector?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Tardyons.

    • HistoriCat

      I'm sure some country which actually values science will be able to get to the bottom of all this.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      A quibble: Even if this turns out to be true (which would be really exciting for physicists), it oversimplifies the case to say "Einstein was wrong". Special Relativity has been verified to be correct within the range of measurement accuracy in thousands of separate experiments. If this result is reproduced and confirmed, it will lead to a new theory that will extend Special Relativity, just like Special Relativity extended Newton's "laws of motion". Using the term "wrong" (or "overturn", like the linked article does) misrepresents how scientific theories evolve as better data become available, and reinforces the yahoos' belief that scientists don't really know nuthin'.

      Also, too, I'll be waiting for independent confirmation before I get too excited. Measuring neutrino speed has to be nearly the trickiest thing to get right, since it has to be entirely statistical. This wouldn't be the first time that a completely reputable and competent experimental team thought they had seen anomalous results.

      • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

        Beat me by one second!

  • flamingpdog

    I figured President Obama must be here – giving another speech about raising taxes.

    Barry would make me a lot happier if he would just give a speech about razing Texas!

    • PalinzADummy

      But we'd lose all our Wonderful Wonketeerz who live there, pdog. I'm not sure I could face life without BaldarTFlagass' flagassed feverishness, or TexanBulldog or … hey, where are alla y'all, anyway?

      • flamingpdog

        I have frenz in Texass, too, but they all live in or near Austin. If I was an omnipotent Barry, I would kick Texass out of the Union, but keep Austin, and run a West Berlin-airlift type of operation to keep the residents in food and drugs. Especially the latter.

        • PalinzADummy

          According to the Asylum Street Spankers, they grow plenty of Texas Tea down around Austin, but I'm happy to pitch in and help keep Austinites in the state of consciousness they most long for.

  • El Pinche

    Hahahaha……oh my side! Does dickhead take requests? How about a circa 1997 Soros joke?

  • proudgrampa

    For the record, Harry Potter has defeated He Who Must Not Be Named. Now, if he could just wave a wand at this asshole Scott and make him disappear.

  • StarsUponThars

    Sphincter says what?

  • owhatever

    Republicans heard the joke, laughed hahaha, then voted for the Pizza Negro who wants to turn Social Security over to the Chilieans, or put chili on his pizza or something.

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    The teleprompter slur is the most racist meme in the wingnut arsenal. Any yahoo laughing at it might as well be wearing a white pointed hood.

  • AJWjr.

    Black people! Reading! That is a white guy’s job.

    You know what else is a white guy's job, in this asshole's mind?

    • HistoriCat

      Defrauding Medicare?

    • PalinzADummy

      Presidentin'?

    • Schmannnity

      Voting?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Pennywise the Clown?

      • PalinzADummy

        Hey! On behalf of clowns everywhere, we protest!

  • smitallica

    Ha! Good one Rick! Now you should make a joke about the President's sagging approval ratings and prove even more that you're a fucking tool who lacks all self-awareness.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    You can always teleprompter, but you can't tell him much.

  • Antispandex

    Duh! It's FUNNIER when white people act like racist pricks! And his comedy…spot on!…you know, if the speech was at a mental hospital. It was, wasn't it?

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Lemme give it a try…

    Good afternoon, and welcome to Presidency 5! When I saw all the reporters, I wasn't quite sure what to say. Then I saw the teleprompter. [pause for laughter]

    Good afternoon, and welcome to Presidency 5! When I saw all the reporters and a teleprompter loaded with Republican talking points, I thought I had stumbled into a Fox News studio. [pause for laughter].

    Good afternoon, and welcome to P5. Or as we call it in my administration "pee into the cup five times to get your unemployment insurance you lazy asswipes" [pause for laughter]

  • Redhead

    Judging from the writing on that teleprompter transcript, it is a GOOD thing Rick Scott was in Florida and not Texas and therefore safe from the death penalty.

  • swordfis

    "Hey, there's some weird reflection in my teleprompter. It looks like a giant white penis wearing a suit and tie…" "…oh"

  • iburl

    "I figured President Obama must be here – giving another speech about raising taxes!!111!!!lol!!!"

    …even though Obama has lowered taxes and given tax refunds, and the tax rate is as low as it has been in 50 years and he renewed the Bush Tax cuts for the rich and…

  • glamourdammerung

    The worst part is that everyone should have known it was a teleprompter read comment because Scott accidentally called him "President Obama".

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Seriously, though, it's great when dumb people with no sense of shame try to be funny.

  • Warpde

    Rick, don't quit your day job.
    On second thought.
    You do make a better comedian then politician.

  • ttommyunger

    Moar pruff that Rightards don't have a sense of humor unless it involves hurting or belittling someone.