Evil young Americans demanding atrocities such as 'please stop with the shitty wars,' etcOccupy Wall Street has just completed its ninth day — but you wouldn’t know, since America’s glorious free press is too busy covering the Big Stories: “New Ben and Jerry’s flavor in poor taste?” and “Man with broken leg survives 4 days in desert” and “Michele Bachmann goes somewhere, says something”). The anti-American media-fairness group FAIR recently deduced, “The answer to the problem of non-coverage would seem to be simple: If the people occupying Wall Street want more media attention, they should just call themselves Tea Party activists.” Noticing the lack of teabag bedazzlement, the official organ of the progressive movement (the New York Times, obviously) lamented, “The group’s lack of cohesion and its apparent wish to pantomime progressivism rather than practice it knowledgably is unsettling.” Your former editor/Breitbart rentboy arrived in Manhattan last night and is now living amongst these seedy people, with their evil messages of “peace” and “no more corporate greed” — and we plan on writing many vainglorious articles, chastising concerned Americans who are sleeping in a park for not being more like the violent slob-beasts who bring assault rifles to their corporate-backed Freedumb shindigs, which last two hours/until the scooter batteries run out of juice (you know, what the New York Times once called a “platform for conservative populist discontent”). We even made a video! We’ll be making lots of videos this week, because we want to help the New York Times expose these “pantomiming” deadbeats.

“Shame on you, New York Times“? Shame on you, person, for owning a computer. Yes, shame! Take the wheel, New York Times:

One day, a trader on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, Adam Sarzen, a decade or so older than many of the protesters, came to Zuccotti Park seemingly just to shake his head. “Look at these kids, sitting here with their Apple computers,” he said. “Apple, one of the biggest monopolies in the world. It trades at $400 a share. Do they even know that?”

Yeah, why don’t they know that? The unemployment rate for young Americans is the highest since World War II, and to help ease the suffering, our brave political leaders spend more on guns and ammo and missiles and Bagram rape prisons than the entire world combined. Banks have relentlessly sodomized America in every available orifice, nobody even knows how many shadowy wars we’re waging, and, uh, Barack Obama apparently has a “secret interpretation” of the Patriot Act. We’re just going to stop ourselves right there, since our stock market Apple computer is running out of batteries, and we feel like a huge hypocrite, or something.

Everything is terrible and everyone should be outraged — but you know: those kids, with their computers!

And here is a video of a friendly NYPD man macing some ladies right in the face, for no reason whatsoever:

Next time wear a tricorn?

The End. (More soon!)

P.S. — Please consider a small donation. These “pantomiming progressives” need food!

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Ah, the smell of Fascism in the mourning…

    • WunkRocker

      If only they could amp up the violence, maybe fire off some RPG's Anderson Pooper would get his white T-Shirt back from the cleaners and show up and um..yeah be there.

    • Negropolis

      Ha! I see what you did there…

  • OzoneTom

    The Revolution will NOT be Televised!

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Wall Street was named for the wall that used to keep the free-roaming pigs from ruining the city…

    • Complete the danged wall!

    • BlueStateLibel

      It obviously didn't work…

    • Callyson

      You know what they say about ladders and borders. Show me a fifty foot wall, I'll show you a fifty one foot ladder…

    • Geminisunmars

      [music symbols] Who let the pigs out? Who let the pigs out?

      • PalinzADummy

        I thought that was Mittens Romneycare's campaign theme. No?

        • Geminisunmars

          That too.

    • Shellwith2Ls

      And now free-roaming pigs run Wall Street. Hmmm.

  • The Boy Wizard returns!! WTF?!

    • Didn't he die in that one movie?

      • bflrtsplk

        If Kenny can be reborn, why not Riley?

        • OneDollarJuana

          People who have vanished from soap operas reappear often, except they usually have amnesia. Ask him a few questions about his previous stint just to check.

          • CapnFatback

            Better yet, put Kirsten in a neck beard and a fat suit and dip her in cheap scotch. March her up to Riley and the sit back to watch the terrifying Breitbart flashbacks unfurl.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Why would Kirsten want to dress up as Katherine Lopez?

          • horsedreamer_1

            I was going to say, why would she dress up like Jack Steuf?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wags has risen! WTF?

    • Puh-shaw! He's been right there under the blog roll in the sidebar practically this whole time!

      *hits refresh*

      *hits refresh again*

      You'll have to take my word for it…

    • PalinzADummy

      Or *some* of him, anyway.

  • DaRooster

    To anyone doing this… Thanks!

    (not the pepper spraying)

    • WunkRocker

      You know when not plunger-f*cking someone for j-walking or something the NYPD likes to chill to some Kenny G and then pepper spray some white girls in the face. I bet Anthony had to go beat off/beat his wife/kids/dog/houseplant etc… for hours after this.
      Don't you wish you were "Anonymous" Deputy Inspector Bologna? Or named O-S-C-A…oh never mind.

      • This happened to white girls?! IS THIS AMERICA?!!

        • WunkRocker

          I know, if only they could disappear in the Caribbean they could get some coverage.

          • GOPCrusher

            Officer van der Sloot?

        • HateMachine

          It's okay, Chet, they were probably the wrong sort of white girls.

        • Negropolis

          First, they came for the white wimmenz, and I said nothing, 'cause, jeeze, they always fuckin' with a brotha' and I needed a break…

          BTW, I don't give a damned what others say, I effusively and unbashedly thank Anonymous for doing what they did, here.

  • bureaucrap

    "I'm not a real progressive, but I play one on TV!"

  • MittsHairHelmet

    A little known clause in the iTunes Terms of Service stipulates that once you buy an Apple product, you're prohibited from protesting anything other than the random cause of the day on twitter.

    • Doritos and Jamie Foxx are trending. If they change the formula for either of those, so help, me the streets will run red with Nacho flavored crumbs!


    • BaldarTFlagass


      • GOPCrusher


        • DaRooster


  • BaldarTFlagass

    "violent slob-beasts who bring assault rifles to their corporate-backed Freedumb shindigs,"

    Anybody want to borrow my bazooka?

    • PalinzADummy

      Sure. I'll be by around 7 pm?

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      "If I Had a Rocket Launcher,
      some sonofabitch would die…"

      – bruce cockburn

      • PalinzADummy

        I like ^^this^^ guy.

  • HempDogbane

    For a start, could you people maybe learn to mis-spel ?

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe someone could have a sign portraying a Wall Street trader as an African witch doctor. I'll bet the MSM would start covering this protest then.

  • SorosBot

    Shocked, shocked I am that the NYPD would act as Wall Street's private goons and arrest peaceful protesters in violation of the First Amendment; it's not like our nation's police always act as a bunch of authoritarian thugs who routinely abuse their power and are never made to pay for it, even when they commit outright murder.

    • GhostBuggy

      But…NYPD! Why do you hate 9/11, SorosBot?

      • SorosBot

        But I also remember shooting a man armed with a wallet 41 times, "interrogations" that involved raping a (innocent) suspect with a broom handle, and the like. And no consequences for the officers involved.

    • CommieLibunatic

      If it's any consolation, it looks like at least one of the cops who beat up Kelly Thomas will go to prison for his part.

      Also, those fuckers at Kent State had it comin', what with walking to class hundreds of yards away from the protest and all. >:U

  • Riley, how did you escape Andrew Bitpart's sexy time dungeon?

    • He didn't; he's blogging from Andy's wiener pic-filled iPhone.

    • DaRooster

      Get yer gun!! You are round aboutly implying that Bitpart is gay… he'll shoot yer mouf off.

      • chicken_thief

        When asked if his close friend, Andrew Bitpart, was gay, Marcus replied "ohhh, tha's tho thilly!!!"

  • chascates

    Riley found one place he won't be sexually harassed by Andrew Breitbart.

    • BarryOPotter

      Riley found one place he won't be sexually harassed by Andrew Breitbart

      Where's that, his left elbow?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “Apple, one of the biggest monopolies in the world.”

    Yo, ironic floor-trader dude. Suggest you google "Bill Gates." I bet your polo-shirt-collar is popped, too.

    • DaRooster

      Members Only jacket libel!

      • WunkRocker

        You know it is this kind of "logic" that makes you understand why these completely moronic ass bags ruined the economy. Understanding facts takes too much energy.

        • PalinzADummy

          Dood, everybody (except the suits) knows that the suits don't have the first fucking clue how ANYthing works. It's a miracle they can poop without using both hands and a stick.

    • bloodandirony

      I don't think that word means what you think it means.

  • bureaucrap

    That's right, you pretend progressives — if you own a computer, or clothes, or have driven in a car, or eat food that you didn't grow in your own backyard, or have ever spent money to purchase "things", you are a clueless hypocrite and we have every right to ignore the fact that you're unemployed and homeless. Come back when you can prove that you're a real progressive — But there are no real progressives, so just don't come back, period. the end.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Hey, be nice. It's hard to make a computer out of compost.

    • mookwrthwilson

      I'd pay to see all the protesters out there in barrels with straps on them…but those barrels would have come from "Big Barrel" and who knows what they are trading at???

  • When are Jack and his posts about retards coming back?

    • hollywooddood

      Stop making fun of Michele Bachmann.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Heh. I thought he was referring to Peggy Noonan.

        • SorosBot

          But that was mostly Jim's thing.

  • Mahousu

    Protestors on Wall Street? A likely story. Next thing, you'll probably try to claim there were massive protests in 2002 and 2003 before the start of the Iraq war.

    • GOPCrusher

      I thought they were filming a Rage Against The Machine music video.

      • BarryOPotter

        Staring Riley W. as "The Machine" and Andy B. as "Rage"…

        • PalinzADummy

          Andrew NotSoBrightBart is just gonna LERVE that.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Sleep now in the fire… in his pants.

      • Graham Cracker

        I never sara nothing in the paper or on the news channels about those protests either. Must never have happened.

    • Negropolis

      It makes me mad to this day the revisionist history concerning the lead-up to the war where quite a few polls showed plurality and sometimes all-out majority opposition to the Iraq War.

  • freakishlywrong

    Thanks for clearing up my orifice pain mystery Riley! Maybe when these libruls start eating those fucking criminals the media will notice.

    • PalinzADummy

      You hungry? I'm hungry.

  • Fawkdifiknow

    The lamestream doesn't have a bureau in New York?

    • Wall St. is strictly 'phone it in' news. The bankers phone the media and tell them what to write.

  • hollywooddood

    Just reinstate the draft and there won't be enough mace in the world to quell the protests.

  • Schmannnity

    The problem is the lying around. If they had hoverrounds, different story.

  • Lucidamente1

    Hey Riley–just wait till they start noticing you:

    • Chichikovovich

      Oh, the irony of it all. In the good old days, whenever the unwashed free-lovin' druggie hippie freaks would have some protest around Wall Street, the Republican leaders could call on the AFL-CIO to organize a "spontaneous" counter-demonstration/head stomping. But thanks to the intervening 40 years of union-busting, today the AFL – CIO probably couldn't muster 200 able-bodied people who weren't already too exhausted from double-shifts to move.

      I wonder if it ever occurs to the surviving hard-hat rioters, as their pension funds get looted via corporate bankruptcy laws, their social security and medical coverage come under assault, and as their union gets demonized, and their kids find it impossible to find the well-paid, unskilled jobs that they took for granted, that perhaps the Republicans and Wall Street weren't their loyal allies after all.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Especially since they didn't even keep the nigras down.

      • DaRooster

        Sadly… probably not… they are probably the ones (like my Dad who I chewed out last week) that think Obama's picture should be on food stamps because there are more folks on them now than ever before. My basic response was,"If you think Obama could take this country from first to worst in a year and a half, you're pretty silly."

        • PalinzADummy

          Did he respond? Was it a discussion or a screamfest? I ask because I tend to lose my temper and start yelling at people and then it all degenerates into, "No, YOU'RE a poopyhead," except my language tends to be more, hem, colourful. Although today's argument was resolved without too much screaming.

      • Negropolis

        Not sure where you've been in the intervening years, but the AFL-CIO here in Michigan (particularly the UAW) would probably be down there joining them if they could afford the bus trip.

  • The group’s lack of cohesion and its apparent wish to pantomime progressivism rather than practice it knowledgably is unsettling.

    When did Bodhidharma start writing for the NYT?

  • JerkCade

    Whatever you do, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES reach for your wallet!

  • SenileAgitation

    Riley, what have you gotten mixed up in now? A bunch of bongo-happy pseudo puppet parent supported progressive pantomime artists? They seem awfully noisy for mimes.

  • Welcome back Riley. Will Mace become the new hot eau de cologne?

  • sati_demise

    God bless you Riley. Keep on, well done, et al etc. the movement is spreading to 64 cities so far. Expect more, everywhere. We dont fuckin' care if the msm covers this, they will fuck it up anyway.

    So Wonktards, find the "occupy" movement in your city at #OccupyTogether

  • Riley, be careful out there. The power brokers will do their best to squash the protests. Good people like you will be one of the first targeted, along with women and children. They will target those who don't fight back, as cowards and bullies are wont to do. I'm sorry, my snark machine is off on this one, after watching the pepper spraying of the girls.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      A few bricks and a two feet of rebar go a long way in a riot.

      • The peaceful protesters are being provoked, to make the excuses for the excesses. I always carried my favorite, "the Beater". Or as the cops like to call it "a concealed weapon". I got it from a police officer, who swung it at me, the strap broke and I picked it up as I beat feet from the developing battle in New Haven during the '60's protests. Abby Hoffman spoke on the campus of Yale U. That was a fun weekend. Ya know……very large unfriendly dogs, lots'a tear gas, blood, bruises….and that was just the sexytime.

  • LouBristol
    • fuflans

      i could have lived without ever seeing that picture of Nicholas Kristoff, but thanks for the rest of it!

  • El Pinche

    In Koch(tm) protests, the pigs leave their mace and tasers at the office.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    So is this what Rileystan looks like?

    Let them eat apples.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    For more coverage, they need to hike the Iran/Iraq border.

    • chicken_thief

      Or have Brittany or Paris arrive and flash their cooters as they exit their limo.

    • Negropolis

      Or be an Israeli soldier captured by Palestinians.

  • orygoon

    I myself cannot understand why banker-lynchings have not been carried on 24/7 for the last three years. That is the real story not being investigated and told. When did Americans become so passive? (I remember Vietnam protests, in some cases, intimately.)

    • It kinda has to do w/ what Sarzen, the observer, was quoted above as saying. He actually underscored another point (unbeknownst to him) as to why this hasn't culminated sooner in a physical manifestation:
      We're more glued to our internetz now… and finding pseudo-activism / digitally enhanced solidarity/ mutually gratifying echo chambers, without ever having to leave the comfort of our gaming nests & within easy reach of Keyboard Cat™ & other 'safe place' mental retreats whenever the events perceived get too much to take in.

      • But snark can change the world!!!

      • orygoon

        That falls nicely into the vast realm of what I call "not enough pitchfork".

  • fuflans

    jesus christ did you SEE the number of multi-syllabic words on those signs?!?!?!?

    media can't be expected to keep up with THAT kind of development.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Well, duh, they're not getting coverage. It's not like the young people these issues effect watch the news or vote.

    • You can only get young people to come out for ineffective public spectacles, like Burning Man, free-form Wall Street protests, or gigantic time-wasting Comedy Central laugh-a-thons on the Washington Mall. Getting them to actually vote in an off-year election a couple days later that killed Obama's agenda is too goddamned much to ask for or expect. The kiddies will only vote if they can do it at Lollapalooza or SXSW.

      • GOPCrusher

        Or by X-Box.

  • owhatever

    After the protest, go shopping at Macy's. Big sale.

  • MrFizzy

    QED this country ain't about peaceful.

  • Riley!
    Here's to macing the guano faucets of Wall Street!

  • Nice to see that the record of the NYPD in siding with their class enemy remains at 100%.

    • Chichikovovich

      Perhaps in forty years, the brave Constable Mace will look up from his generic brand beer, realizing that his pension and benefits have been slashed with no union to fight back, Medicare no longer will pay for the new hip he needs, his kids and the grandkids are thousands of miles away, in Singapore and Australia and in the Canadian tar sands, desperately looking for the kind of work that no longer exists in the U.S. The Wall Streeters he fought for are making speeches calling him a moocher, a leech, a parasite. And perhaps it will occur to him for just a fleeting moment that he had chosen the wrong side.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Our liberal media in action.

  • DaRooster

    "These “pantomiming progressives” need food!"


    • chicken_thief

      Yuck. Those Wall Street types would all taste like asshole.

      • Chichikovovich

        Soylent Green is corporations! And corporations are people!

      • DaRooster

        Douse 'em in Teriyaki…

      • PalinzADummy

        Not if skinned, gutted, de-pitted-and-assholed, and marinaded for oh, about three days in a spicy, acid-based concoction of seeds, leaves, and roots. I can do it.

        Plus, they're mostly lean meat. Makes for good eatin'.

        • A "Clarice" from Quantico is here to see you.

          • PalinzADummy

            Er … is there another way out of the building?

  • proudgrampa

    Be careful, Riley.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    “Look at these kids, sitting here with their Apple computers,” he said. “Apple, one of the biggest monopolies in the world.

    I always felt that Apple computers were the only ones I actually wanted to own, but I was unaware that they are literally the only computers available anywhere. That's what a monopoly is, isn't it?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Now, now, you know better. Yeah, the guy's smoking crack to say just because you trade high it means there's a monopoly going on or even to point to an Apple laptop as evidence of anything. But iPods and iTunes do dominate and drive the digital download market and seem to have some measure of market power.

      Of course, that has a lot to do with Apple doing smart things and very little to do with the bullshit Wall Street is built on or the Sherman Act concerns itself with, but it does have a grain of truth. Which is so much more than Wall Street traders normally have that it probably blew his mind.

      • Yeah, but Steve Jobs personally throws Chinese factory workers who leak off the roof to their deaths.

        • not that Dewey

          If I download from Apple, then I'm exploiting Chinese workers. But if I download from Amazon, then I'm exploiting Pennsylvavian workers. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MUSIC WITHOUT LEAVING MY COUCH

          • sezme

            You could go to a store and buy a CD, and support the record companies which in turn exploit musicians. Ah fuckit – just join a drumming circle and try to keep time.

          • not that Dewey
          • sezme

            Thanks for the nostalgia. I remember standing in a record store in Kenmore Square, Boston, reading that cover and ultimately deciding not to buy it because of the double blind mind-fuck. SUCKAHHZ!

    • Chichikovovich

      They have iron control over the "computer with a picture of a fruit on it" industry.

  • FraAnima

    Yes, I saw/heard this protest covered extensively on TV and NPR…wait, no I didn't.

    Needz moar guns & Freedumb.

  • sati_demise


    Fuck You NYT.

    Cover that, bastards.

  • x111e7thst

    Riley, stop wasting your time. Real journalists cover stories about missing white women.

  • HedonismBot

    I can't go to the Occupy Wall Street protest, because A.) I live thousands of miles away and B.) I am one of the few Americans still lucky enough to have a job (even though it is only part time and low-wage.)
    So, on a sincerious note, I would like fellow Wonketteers to share some thoughts: What is the best way, in our digital era, for the millions like me – who support the protesters in spirit but cannot physically join them – to show solidarity? We can be there "virtually," no? In the era of the internet, it seems to me a physical presence is no longer required to participate in a demonstration.

    • Send 'em some 'nabs, dangnabbit!

    • babyeinstein

      If you have cash, they're in major need of camcorder batteries, bottled water, and are apparently getting really tired of pizza; a couple days ago they pretty much begged people to stop sending them pizzas and maybe send some fruit or veggies instead. So that's one option. You can find a lot of the organizers on Twitter if you want details on what/how to send.

      And then there's always tweeting and re-tweeting, and Facebook of course – just spreading awareness is all we're trying to do. The goal is to get people, especially young people, to wake the fuck up, so any conversation you have with someone not familiar with the protest is helping the cause.

      Oh, AND, there are #occupy movements being organized all over the world right now, so you actually may have one coming soon to a plaza near you.

      Keep fighting. This is just the beginning.

    • sati_demise

      send them some money

      join your local 'occupy' group at @OccupyTogether

    • PalinzADummy

      No snark? Write (letters or email or postcards, even) to your Reps/Senator on EVERY issue that affects you. Get the wife & kids to pitch in, if you have 'em. Call their offices. Dogged determination counts for a hella lot more than showing up for a protest. These assholes love to discount the protests, and in truth, unless the protest pulls in a million or more bodies, it's easily discounted. And we just don't have the time and money to show up in the millions anymore. RWNJs organize campaigns to harrass their legislators and papers, and make their numbers look bigger than they really are. If we could do the same thing …

  • genxr

    Actually, spontaneously renaming themselves "Tea Party" would be pretty awesome. It would totally cheese off the teabaggers, but what could they do after 3 years of claiming "there is no official tea party, it's all grass roots." So they've said explicitly that absolutely anyone can call themselves "The Tea Party." They also claim they're non-partisan, so they shouldn't complain when a bunch of hippies who represent everything they hate just up and take the name.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Wouldn't work. Then Michele or Sarah would pretend to be their leader and everyone would think it batshit. Lamestream only needs crazy.

      • genxr

        Hadn't thought of that. Sarah would show up in her bus and thank everyone for supporting her.

        • fuflans

          and imagine the reaction…

    • GOPCrusher

      I would have to imagine that Dick Armey or Rupert Murdoch would file a copyright infringement lawsuit.

    • not that Dewey

      Tea Potty has a nice ring to it. Only the names have changed, really.

  • chicken_thief

    Needz moar Constitushun and Jeebus. Also. Too.

    • FraAnima

      Jeebus saves (by investing in mortgage backed derivatives).

  • babyeinstein

    Waggs is back!

    On a different note, there's probably an #occupy happening in your city, if you're interested in doing some pantomiming.

  • superdave

    Can you really blame that cop? If I get a free shot at macing someone, heck yeah, I'd take it.

    • sati_demise

      and no chance of the victims fighting back, so Sweet. Megan Kelley said the woman were "over reacting' just too much drama for Megans liking. So, when is she going to volunteer for a surprise pepper spraying?

  • El Pinche

    Planning a protest? How to get the media's attention :

    1. Gain 80 lbs and show up in stretchy shorts and a tri-cornered hat
    2. Whip up some fake outrage based on false pretenses and lies
    3. Bring your racism.
    4. Sniff some paint thinner and immediately make some signs.
    5. Take a free bus to your destination. Meet a rep from NYT, CNN, FoxNews, MSNBC, they will give you a personal foot massage.

  • Riley, a qwik survey of GoogleNewz showed that "Occupy Wall Street" @ 2370 hits outpolled Xtine O'Donnell at 254 hits. OWS, really ows after the over-the-top pepper spraying, was well behind "Tea Party," who had 13,500 poopings. Speaking of pooping, Xtine can be proud that she outpolled "turd," which only had 236 hits.

    NYT, all the newz that fits (massa's view) they print.

  • REAL progressives use quill pens and parchment!!


    Wonkette on the Street. Is Kirsten B. Johnson the red-haired lady on that pic?

  • DaRooster

    Could I get a punched out douche bag up in here?

    • PalinzADummy

      That's usually where they go. Wait, where?

  • poorgradstudent

    I want to raise this point to my far-right friend who's always bitching about the liberal media but I'm sure his response would just be "Rachel Maddow exists!"

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Sorry young anarchists, but pasty 60-something in shorts, tricorner hats and riding fat people scooters come off way sexier on TV than Che-bearded 20-something protestors.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Today we all got our fartboxes tongue punched….again.

  • El Pinche

    Come on libtards. The cop is just venting because he has to be there. It's cutting into crack selling and collecting kick-backs time .

  • Doktor Zoom

    Coming soon to WonkTV: From Intern to Internment Camp: The Riley Waggaman Story

    • AJWjr.

      Thought you wrote "Internet Camp", and I just nodded my head in agreement…

  • hagajim

    I think if they want to really make newz they have to start either A.) Killing every banker they can find, or B.) start screaming racial epithets (for the fun of it)…otherwise they will sit there and nobody will even notice. They probably figure the'ye just part of the thriving homeless population.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Look at these kids, sitting here with their Apple computers,” he said. “Apple, one of the biggest monopolies in the world. It trades at $400 a share. Do they even know that?”

    And yet Apple still makes stuff, rather than, say, ensuring the people who insure the people who speculate on securities bundled together by one firm from mortgages made out of magic beans by another firm that's already changed its name and moved somewhere offshore. And yet assholes like this trader love to bitch about how America doesn't make anything recognizable anymore as he takes his commission.

    • GOPCrusher

      I like the "Do you have a 401K?" response from these evil bastards. I don't give a fuck that I may have shares of Exxon/Mobil in my 401K portfolio, how much of their record profits from price gouging, are going into my retirement fund?

      • genxr

        Ummmm… do they remember what their CDS shenanigans did to everyone's 401K?

        • GeorgiaBurning

          Every time they turn the key, in that 7-series BMW they bought with the "incentive bonus" money? Nah….

    • genxr

      I traded my Apple for some magic hobo beans, which I threw on the ground and a giant beanstalk grew. At the tip of this beanstalk was a Republican Senator with a wide stance.

    • I don't think traders give a flying fuck that America doesn't make anything, so long as they make theirs.

      • GOPCrusher

        This needs to go on a bumper sticker.

      • PalinzADummy

        Tweeted it. But I did attribute it to you.

  • chicken_thief

    But what does Pat Boone think?

    • PalinzADummy

      He never has, why would he start now?

  • Welcome back, Riley!

  • Tommmcattt

    I'll stop pantomiming progressivism when our political leaders stop with the fucking clownshow. Until then, look, here's me pushing an imaginary box up down unreal stairs while an invisible derivatives trader steals money RIGHT OUT OF MY REAL BANK ACCOUNT…

    • AJWjr.

      They must've put it into MY real bank account, as I magically earned about .0003% over the weekend. Happy days are here again!

  • Antispandex

    "American Media Hates Peaceful Protesters For Not Being Violent Pigs"

    Don't we all, really? I mean how much more do we have to be reminded that we have failed the young people of this country. For shit sake, they can't even get arrested in this town!

  • Doktor Zoom

    Drum circle : Progressives : : Tricorn hat : Teatards

  • America and the media will not let those dirty, tech-savvy hippies distract us from Tea Party protection of wealthy job creators from mean ole Big Government and the public at large.

    This is nothing more than oppression of the establishment by the minority which makes it reverse racism or something!

  • Allahu Akbar!

  • Goonemeritus

    Nice coverage Riley but on a scarier note this long distance relationship with Breitbart has made him more morose and violent. Perhaps you should consider a move back to DC just on the grounds of public welfare.

  • crybabyboehner

    "This story is a real snoozer. Do we have any B-roll of those Buddhist monks on fire?"

  • fuflans

    these people are not fat enough.

  • taylormattd

    Aw man, I was hoping for a crack or two about drum circles, female leg hair, and Mumia.

  • HelmutNewton

    Silly Wonkette! The media only covers astroturf "protest" groups that advocate FOR the corporate agenda! If they're actually protesting against corporate hegemony, then they don't exist!

  • Yay! Waggaman!
    You were missed but not in the Breitbart kind of way.

    I have a pitch fork named Pokey that I would like to donate to the cause. Where do I send it?

  • genxr

    needz moar job creatorz

  • BlueStateLibel

    Be very careful, Riley, it's a lot easier evading the amorous caresses of Andrew Breitbart than a NYPDer who's pissed off because the hippie protest is cutting into his quality time at the Dunkin' Donuts.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Plus, the hot new waitress at the Denny's (or whatever the fuck) just came on shift.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    OOoooooooo. I got it.
    They should start building a mosque!

  • Nixon_So_Fine

    Oh happy day! The Waggle has landed!

  • Didn't we discuss this?! The vast lefty viewing audience hates that you look like smelly hippies, so fuck off, before we go out there and mace you ourselves.

  • riverside68

    Riley, We are working in the Trinity Church building on a partial Summary Judgement motion for the people arrested in the 2004 Republican National Convention in New York City. We walked outside late last night and noticed that a group of people were in the street a block from Zuccotti Park. We said to ourselves "Wow the NYPD has finally allowed some demonstrations to happen."

    Of course when we got closer, we realized it was a 9/11 memorial group.

    Call the NLG when you get arrested. I will help you get out of jail.

  • Doktor Zoom

    This reminds me of another "Story of Wall-Street":

    “What are you doing here, BreitBartleby?” said I.
    “Sitting upon the bronze bull,” he mildly replied.
    “BreitBartleby,” said I, “are you aware that you are the cause of great tribulation to me, by persisting in occupying Wall Street after being dismissed by the media?”

    No answer.

    “Now one of two things must take place. Either you must do something, or something must be done to you. Now what sort of business would you like to engage in? Would you like to re-engage in arbitrage?”
    “No; I would prefer not to make any change.”
    “Would you like a clerkship in an Apple Store?”
    “There is too much confinement about that. No, I would not like a clerkship; but I am not particular.”
    “Too much confinement,” I cried, “why you keep yourself confined all the time!”
    “I would prefer not to take a clerkship,” he rejoined, as if to settle that little item at once.
    "How would a barrista’s business suit you? There is no trying of the eyesight in that.”
    “I would not like it at all; though, as I said before, I am not particular.”
    His unwonted wordiness inspirited me. I returned to the charge.
    “Well then, would you like to travel through the city on a fixed-gear bike as a courier for the merchants? That would improve your health.”
    “No, I would prefer to be doing something else.”
    “How then would going as a rentboy to Europe, to entertain some young clergyman or conservative member of the House with your conversation, perhaps stopping to tongue-punch his fartbox from time to time—how would that suit you?”
    “Not at all. It does not strike me that there is any thing definite about that. I like to be stationary. But I am not particular.”

    As I afterwards learned, the poor protester, when told that he must be conducted to the Tombs, offered not the slightest obstacle, but in his pale unmoving way, silently acquiesced. The constables pepper-sprayed him in the face in any event, as was their wont in those days.

    Ah BreitBartleby! Ah humanity!

  • Limeylizzie

    I should probably drag my , not insignificant , arse downtown and join these characters, but I have a really bad cold and I just can't bear the thought of being maced when I am all stuffed up.

    • DaRooster

      Pepper is good for a cold… helps blow things out.

    • HistoriCat

      Try flashing the crowds – maybe that would get some excitement going. It's all about the visuals people!

      • Limeylizzie

        The bosoms are not in the mood for going out.

        • PalinzADummy

          Especially not with a cold. Heaven forfend it should turn into a, hem!, chest cold.

          Srsly, Lizzie, love, is there anything you need that can be managed over telephone or 'Toobz?

          • Limeylizzie

            Don't think so, but thanks for the offer. Oh, maybe you could administer a swift knee in the groin to John Boehner?

          • PalinzADummy

            Darling, if I could do that over the InnerToobz, his nutsack would already be flatter than a pancake. Anything *else* I can help with?

    • PalinzADummy

      Oh, my poor darling girl! And you're far from home, too. Who's waiting on your tender and stunningly beautiful person, my child? Is there no one to feed you soup and soothe your fevered brow?

      (checks FF mileage)

      • Limeylizzie

        No, the husband is in Los Angeles working on his gallery show, I am here with a couple of cats and they , although delightful, are not skilled in the culinary arts.

        • PalinzADummy

          I make a mean chicken soup, but I'm a gimp with too few FF miles. Therefore, I shall limit myself to recommending ginger tea with honey and/or lime juice. Poor dear! Is there ginger in the house, or any kind neighbour who might get some?

  • Terry

    “The group’s lack of cohesion and its apparent wish to pantomime progressivism rather than practice it knowledgably is unsettling.”

    How does one go about pantomiming progressivism? Put on a little skit about your desire not to have your fellow Americans going hungry or your preference not to drink contaminated water? Or a little mime routine about how the richest of the rich shouldn't be paying even less taxes?

    • Chichikovovich

      Put on face paint, a striped shirt and a beret. Then soundlessly act out being crucified on a cross of gold.

    • PalinzADummy

      These "pundits" are so full of shit, you could fertilize the entire nation if you just chopped them finely enough. Fuckers wouldn't know progressivism if it tongue-punched their fartboxes.

  • Wonderthing

    Woo hoo! Go youngsters! Getting gassed in the streets! Chicks up front! Now you're changing that old world. I'm so glad that this generation is going to have the same letdown mine did when they realize that money ALWAYS wins. I don't care how many times you sing Kumbaya or its modern equivalent, something by Bob Marley, I forget.

    • Doktor Zoom

      As we've known for years, It's Money That Matters

    • sati_demise

      yea, but when the money is destroying the very origin of its source things may be different.

      • Wonderthing

        It's good to dream. (They said similar things in the 30's as well. I can't remember that first hand, but I can read.)

  • Maybe some white girls should hang glide off the top of the New York Times Building spreading leaflets, so the NYPD can blast them out of the sky.

    • Wonderthing

      Now you're talking the Revolution That WILL Be Televised.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Childrens Crusade. A quote from the Great Chairmen enlightens:
    "A revolution is not a dinner party, or writing an essay, or painting a picture, or doing embroidery. A revolution is an insurrection, an act of violence by which one class overthrows another. All political power comes from the barrel of a gun."

    Would quote more but off to meet buffy at the club for tennis and tea.

  • gorenfeld

    Look at this kid, uploading videos to the YouTube corporate goliath. If he was a coherent progressive who could articulate his goals clearly, like Ezra Klein, he would be serving his downloads off a 1200 baud dial-up BBS running Wildcat.

    • mayor_quimby

      Now that is some old school shit there, Wildcat.
      Do you know how long it took me to download my first porno .gif on a dialup. It was barbaric!
      But that love of porn did get me into my current field, so that's a plus.

  • Ducksworthy

    Gawh. These pantomiming protestors probably have access to refrigerators too. And indoor pluming.

    • Chichikovovich

      Ya gotta admit, those protesters have some glorious plumage.

      • PalinzADummy

        'E's not dead, 'e's resting. Luv'ly ploomage!

  • sati_demise

    Remember when Obama told the Bankers he was the only thing standing between them and the pitchforks/torches?

    Good old days.

    • genxr

      He only thought that's why the teabagger mob was coming towards him.

  • extreme_left

    Take moar gunz to protests

  • The mace-turbater, Anthony Bologna – NYPD Deputy Inspector, has been doxed.

  • DesertTed

    Vegans taste better with pepper.

  • NYNYNYjr

    There is one guy down there in a tri-corn. A real nice one too- NOT $10 dollar costume shoppe. And One guy in a civil war hat. Blue. And one permanently topless girl. One guy with a huge puerto rican flag. one girl dressed like marie antoinette/christina aguilera. A bunch of really gorgeous girls. It must be said. I got a picture of Michael Moore, from about 5 feet away tonight.

  • "apparent wish to pantomime progressivism rather than practice it knowledgably is unsettling"

    Oh my god. I would love to know how the NYTimes reporter who had the choots-pah to write that sentence "knowledgeably practices progressivism" in their life. By living in the West Village and going to as many wine bars as possible, I'm sure.

    PS – See you soon Reilly! I'll bring you a poncho.


    1.) Wear togas, no undies 2.)Eat a large high fiber breakfast 3.) Defecate at the perimeter of your protest. 4.)Wall Street receives what Wall Street hands out.

  • rambone

    Everyone should be maced on a weekly basis.

    Might teach some of us that there are bigger things to bitch about than paying estate taxes on our recent $1 million + inheritances or 2% more taxes on our $250K + yearly incomes.

    So . . . umm . . . I can only assume that the camera was shut off just before the NYSE brokers were taught said valuable life lesson . .

  • ttommyunger

    But if it isn't on the Teevee, it didn't happen, right?

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