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Evil young Americans demanding atrocities such as 'please stop with the shitty wars,' etcOccupy Wall Street has just completed its ninth day — but you wouldn’t know, since America’s glorious free press is too busy covering the Big Stories: “New Ben and Jerry’s flavor in poor taste?” and “Man with broken leg survives 4 days in desert” and “Michele Bachmann goes somewhere, says something”). The anti-American media-fairness group FAIR recently deduced, “The answer to the problem of non-coverage would seem to be simple: If the people occupying Wall Street want more media attention, they should just call themselves Tea Party activists.” Noticing the lack of teabag bedazzlement, the official organ of the progressive movement (the New York Times, obviously) lamented, “The group’s lack of cohesion and its apparent wish to pantomime progressivism rather than practice it knowledgably is unsettling.” Your former editor/Breitbart rentboy arrived in Manhattan last night and is now living amongst these seedy people, with their evil messages of “peace” and “no more corporate greed” — and we plan on writing many vainglorious articles, chastising concerned Americans who are sleeping in a park for not being more like the violent slob-beasts who bring assault rifles to their corporate-backed Freedumb shindigs, which last two hours/until the scooter batteries run out of juice (you know, what the New York Times once called a “platform for conservative populist discontent”). We even made a video! We’ll be making lots of videos this week, because we want to help the New York Times expose these “pantomiming” deadbeats.

“Shame on you, New York Times“? Shame on you, person, for owning a computer. Yes, shame! Take the wheel, New York Times:

One day, a trader on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, Adam Sarzen, a decade or so older than many of the protesters, came to Zuccotti Park seemingly just to shake his head. “Look at these kids, sitting here with their Apple computers,” he said. “Apple, one of the biggest monopolies in the world. It trades at $400 a share. Do they even know that?”

Yeah, why don’t they know that? The unemployment rate for young Americans is the highest since World War II, and to help ease the suffering, our brave political leaders spend more on guns and ammo and missiles and Bagram rape prisons than the entire world combined. Banks have relentlessly sodomized America in every available orifice, nobody even knows how many shadowy wars we’re waging, and, uh, Barack Obama apparently has a “secret interpretation” of the Patriot Act. We’re just going to stop ourselves right there, since our stock market Apple computer is running out of batteries, and we feel like a huge hypocrite, or something.

Everything is terrible and everyone should be outraged — but you know: those kids, with their computers!

And here is a video of a friendly NYPD man macing some ladies right in the face, for no reason whatsoever:

Next time wear a tricorn?

The End. (More soon!)

P.S. — Please consider a small donation. These “pantomiming progressives” need food!

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