wingnut bedtime stories

NRA Chief: Obama Trying To Steal Your Guns By Not Stealing Your Guns

Here’s a novel theory from the terminally paranoid crackpot head ogre at the NRA: President Obama’s refusal to steal all of their guns is really just his massive conspiracy to steal all their guns. This is how it works: Obama lulls all of the gun owners into a perilous sense of security by never proposing gun control legislation of any kind during the course of his entire term and even helpfully neglects to reinstate Bill Clinton’s pansy-ass elitist assault weapons ban, and THEN — wait for it — while everybody is casually making small talk about that hilarious time Bob shot his neighbor for letting his dog poop on Bob’s lawn, WHAM, Obama rocket launches storm trooper Ban Ki Moon and his feared army of U.N. bureaucrats straight at the guns and cold STEALS EVERY ONE OF THEM before setting fire to the Constitution to “erase the evidence.” Really, that’s how it happens!

Probably! We heard this ogre with the fancy name, Wayne LaPierre, complain about the U.N. (Ha ha, we like the idea of Ban Ki Moon as a storm trooper) and then got a little bored with this rambling, fearful speech given to a bunch of gun owners to warn them against voting for Obama in 2012 even though they would never ever vote for Obama and Obama has not tried to still their guns… yet. YET. YET, GUYS.

Here are a couple of the best quotes from his speech, via Crooks and Liars:

“Obama himself is no fool. So when he got elected, they concocted a scheme to stay away from the gun issue, lull gun owners to sleep and play us for fools in 2012. Well, gun owners are not fools and we are not fooled,” La Pierre declared.

“Sotomayor, Kagan, Fast & Furious, the United Nations, executive orders. Those are the facts we face today… President Obama and his cohorts, yeah, they’re going to deny their conspiracy to fool gun owners. Some in the liberal media, they are already probably blogging about it. But we don’t care because the lying, conniving Obama crowd can kiss our Constitution!”

It is a pretty good story! That’s pretty crafty of Obama… a couple of middle-aged ladies, a crappy B-movie about car racing and the UNITED NATIONS are a pretty fearsome force when you add them together. We’d be afraid. [Crooks and Liars]

What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    So, absence of evidence = evidence? What the fuck would evidence mean?

    • kissawookiee

      Well, Hitler, obvs.

    • poncho_pilot

      fucking burden of proof? how does that work?

      • Pristine_ODummy

        You're asking the wrong people.

    • pdiddycornchips

      This is classic paranoia. The subject shows every indication of acute mental illness. If this dude takes his gun out, RUN!!!

    • Come here a minute

      That is basically the way capital punishment works in Texas and Georgia.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        And the way religion works, pretty much everywhere.

    • Not_So_Much

      It means that a single .50 Steve King Bushmaster-TinyCock-Compensator isn't enough. You should go to an NRA-approved death factory immediately and buy 3-5 more.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Wasn't that was Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said?

      • Swampgas_Man

        "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence." AKA "You can't prove a negative, so BOMBS AWAY!"

    • Scottsdalian

      Obama should come out and say "I'm NOT taking your guns". That'd make their heads explode!

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Actually, I'm pretty sure he's said exactly that.Sent from my iPad

    • Come here a minute

      absence of evidence = evidence

      so

      evidence = where's the LONG FORM evidence?

    • jetjaguar

      In my life, I have prayed but one prayer…

    • Terry

      Evidence would mean an opportunity for even more massive donations, of course.

    • not that Dewey

      Didn't Carl Sagan once say, "extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof, unless you're getting rich by milking a 503(c) and inciting violence and race paranoia."?

      • BarryOPotter

        You must have paraphrased Dr. Sagan. I didn't see the word"billions" in that sentence. "Billions and billions…"

  • elviouslyqueer

    Sounds like somebody's medication needs adjusting, and pronto.

    • jus_wonderin

      He needs a bigger funnel.

    • Not_So_Much

      I do not have words to describe how much I hate that evil, little cocksucking fuckwad whore. Oh. Maybe I do.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Oh, honey. The ONLY adjustment in meds this cockwhore needs is to have his meds stuck up his ass. Preferably by some kind of blower device that can deliver them with high impact.

  • Barb

    " So when he got elected, they concocted a scheme to stay away from the gun issue, lull gun owners to sleep and play us for fools in 2012."

    Obama has this same plan for everything, the death panels, the socialism, etc. None of these apocalyptic predicts has happened yet, so it must mean that he's really going to zing us all in his second term.

    • TheMightyHaltor

      Hell, that's the only reason I'm voting for him.

      • Negropolis

        Ain't that the truth. I want to see this Indo-Kenyan Socialist Muslin usurper these bastards are always banging on about.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        You gotta admire someone who outfoxes everybody by doing all the things he said he would do and none of the things he said he wouldn't do. He's got my vote, just for that.

        Well, also because it makes wingnut heads go explodey, but we all knew that.

        • DaRooster

          "…also because it makes wingnut heads go explodey…"

          If only for realzies.

          • PalinzADummy

            Many's the night I lie awake fantasizing on the popping noises that would make.

    • Scottsdalian

      Sneaky little shit, that Obama.

      Got my vote.

  • SorosBot

    How dare that Obama not try taking everyone's guns away, thus harming the NRA's ability to engage in paranoid fear-mongering to convince the rubes to send them more money.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Ah, but even Obama's evil attempts to not take their guns can't stop them from engaging in paranoid fear-mongering. Freedom wins again!!! USA!

    • http://crasstalk.com/ grandinquisitor

      Bingo!!!!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Small Penis/Overcompensation 2012!
    ~

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    You hear that? It's the sound of ten thousand Wingnuts rushing to Walmart to buy more freedumz.

    • Negropolis

      How many freedumz can you get a Walmart, these days, with a Chinese yuan?

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    This guy literally doesn't know his ass from the constitution.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      The NRA and gun crowd — who I assume love "the plain language of the Constitution" — ignore the "well-regulated" part of the Second Amendment. They also characterize the Second Amendment as a means for "the people" to restrain the government.

      But the Founding Fathers weren't worried about our own government. They wanted militias as a means to protect the new United States from foreign interference. The nation was weak, physically isolated and with (very) limited military capacity. Surrounded by English, Spanish and French colonies.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        But ^^this^^ would require some, I dunno, ability to read, willingness to learn, a basic education, history lessons, and an ability to THINK.

        All of which are so very sadly lacking in these wingnutdingbats.

  • hollywooddood

    The scary thing is that it makes perfect sense to gun-worshipping teabaggers, the shoot first and ask questions later crowd.

    • Mahousu

      That's unfair. This crowd never asks questions, before or after.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    “Sotomayor, Kagan, Fast & Furious…"

    No Vin Diesel?

    • bagofmice

      Knowing Congress it would be bio-diesel.

  • tihond

    This follows on the heals of Obama's previous gun plan of getting elected and causing NRA fans to go into hock at the local gun store because they figured Obama would personally come to their house and take their guns and maybe have sex with their wives like they saw in that one movie.

    • arihaya

      "Hey, where's the white women at?"

      • bagofmice

        You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger darling.

  • LetUsBray

    Once again I'm liking the Paranoid Conspiracy Wackadoodle Prez better than the Real-Life Prez.

    • Tundra Grifter

      LUB:

      Prior to WW II, two Jewish fellows were sitting on a park bench in Berlin. One was reading the Jewish newspaper. The other was reading the Nazi rag.

      "Why are you reading what the Nazis wrote?" he asked his friend.

      "Well, when I read the Jewish newspaper its all about the terrible things happening in Germany. We're powerless – we don't have a chance.

      "When I read the Nazi newspaper, Jews run the world."

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Shoot, they could have been in Michigan reading the Dearborn Independent.

        • Chichikovovich

          Dearborn Michigan: "Carrying on the Henry Ford Spirit in More Ways than One".

  • Antispandex

    OK, I can kind of see it. See, my wife and I didn't discuss having kids, then one day she comes up to me and says, "you better sit down", and WHAM! And I'm like "wait a minute, we didn't talk about this", and she's like "yeah, but we've been fucking", and I'm like "Oh, yeah"….what was I writing about? Oh, sure, I remember. Barry's been president for a while now, and I still have my guns…and three kids. So….

    • anniegetyerfun

      Take my kids, please?

  • Crank_Tango

    It's the ultimate rope a dope, says this dope, who must be on dope.

    • flamingpdog

      A dope who prolly would like to rope the Preznit to the back of his pickup and drag him for a couple of miles.

      • Crank_Tango

        well look at all your peez!

        • flamingpdog

          I believe you should pull yourself up by your jockstraps.

          • Crank_Tango

            around here, that's exactly what you should do. I can feel the invisible hand on my balls as I type this, for freedom.

          • flamingpdog

            If I felt the invisible hand on my balls, I'd invite it to move posteriorly, for free dump.

          • Boojum_Reborn

            Where's my invisible hand job?

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Oh, you know it, pdog. Everytime one of these swinish thugs talks about POTUS, you can see the shining thread of drool hanging from their flabby, wrinkled lips as they fantasize/fap away.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      …and who should go piss up a rope.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Considering that a lot of Redneck gun owners either kill themselves or their Redneck gun-owning friends, maybe it is an Obama conspiracy.

    • Pat_Pending

      "Hold my beer…"

  • owhatever

    I sez it before and I sez it again: Prying their guns from their cold, dead fingers is OK by me. I mean Charlton Heston said that was the rule, and who can go against Moses?

  • MissusBarry

    I thought I'd learn to translate wingnut to some degree, but I can't for the life of me figure out how guns relate to a street racing movie with a bald dude, Obama, middle aged females, or the UN. If only an actual idiot could write one of those "Idiot's Guide…" books, but it's rather a Catch 22.

    • Crank_Tango

      Well, the answer is simple: chemtrails. that or that ATF sting operation, which of course was run by and for chemtrails.

    • poncho_pilot

      or maybe spell it out on like, i don't know, a white board…or-or-or…a chalkboard!

      • MissusBarry

        Does the fact that I actually have a chalk board in my dwelling make me a LINO? I've never thought to use it to parse wingtard logic. And doing so would mean erasing my grocery list, which seems a more reasonable use for an old childhood toy since a girl and her MisterBarry gotta eat.

        • poncho_pilot

          you're only a LINO if you wrote down SOROS and that's not something you need to pick up at the store.

          • MissusBarry

            Just tge usual stuff: milk, bread, hobo beans, lube…

          • poncho_pilot

            vegetable oil might be cheaper than lube by weight. shop smart. shop S mart.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            That's easy to say when it's not YOUR ass that's taking the fucking.

            Stick with the lube, Missus. Worth paying for good sex even if you have to forego hobo beans for a night.

  • SayItWithWookies

    They're taking your guns, imposing sharia law, practicing eugenics, letting the UN run the country, filling the country with illegal Mexicans, shoving citizens into FEMA camps, starting death panels and throwing newborns into the wood chipper.

    What — you don't see any of that? That's just how insidious they are!

    • Boojum_Reborn

      And they killed ALL the unicorns!

  • AlaskaGrrl

    The wingnuts keep upping the ante on their crazy. It's like they listen to each other and then say, "You think THAT's crazy? Well listen to THIS!!!" I figure by next May, Fox Spews will be reporting with a straight face how Obama is really a space alien come to steal our women.

    • jus_wonderin

      Shhhhhh.

    • Trannysurprise

      our white women

      /fixed

      • arihaya

        wait is Kirsten in any danger ?

        • Pristine_ODummy

          She's Mexican.

    • glamourdammerung

      Well, they can not back down after being wrong so many times. Or they will not back down after being wrong so many times, so the only real option is to up the crazy.

  • Radiotherapy®

    30,000 2nd Amendment remedies a year and counting. I would hate to see that all come to an end after Obama launches his double naught super secret plan.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      If you're talking about murder, 30,000 is an exaggeration.

      In 2008, there were only 14,299 murders. Of those, about 9,500 were by firearm. And of those about 6,500 were by handgun.

      States with least restrictive gun laws ("red states" for lack of a better distinction) tend to have higher murder rates. Staying with 2008, Texas had 5.6 murders per 100K population, my state of Connecticut had 3.5.
      http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/2011/tablehttp://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/murder-rates-nati

      • Radiotherapy®

        Flip this burger one more time. Meat is murder. And enjoy the comments.

  • Jukesgrrl

    If Obama did something it's wrong, if he didn't do the same thing, that's also wrong. This guy is just following the rules, as established by Roger Ailes. He'll be touring all the FOX News shows this week as his reward. What never ceases to amaze me is that NRA members would elect a guy with the name LaPierre. French and possibly ghey, no?

    • flamingpdog

      Maybe. After all, "La Pierre" is French for this guy.

    • prommie

      Lexapro, meet Xanax, Xanax, Lexapro, play nice, you two.

    • Negropolis

      Fox is so "fair and balanced" that not only do they not take any side, they actually take all of the sides.

  • Fawkdifiknow

    Wayne La Pierre got his little pee pee whacked when he was twee years old, and his development has been under arrest ever since and thus he has been fixated on guns in a classic case of Freudian sexual frustration over- compensation.

    Or, something like that.

    Whatever, he's a first class twat.

    • prommie

      The fascination with guns is simple: it makes everyone who has one an instant tough guy. No need to actually be strong or tough or smart, the gun compensates for every deficiency. The bigger a pussy the wingtard is, the more they love their guns, because when they fondle their guns, in their minds, they are superman.

      • emmelemm

        Yes. I know people who resemble that remark.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Well that makes no fucking sense.

    • Limeylizzie

      Perfect and succinct.

    • Nostrildamus

      I blame Obama.

    • Radiotherapy®

      Because your a Librul.

    • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

      I'm afraid it does. I've said it before, if these guys ever realized that nobody gives a fuck about them and their guns, and nobody is coming to take their guns, they would have no reason to live.

      Obama must be coming for their guns. He simply must be. If Obama's not coming for their guns, then what's the point of having them? What's the point of the sandbags and the canned goods and the infra-red night-vision goggles and the boxes full of ammunition and the camouflage underwear? What's the point of living?

      • glamourdammerung

        I never understood the conservative mentality that being an ass simply to just be an ass was somehow supposed to be a valid political philosophy myself.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        I hope that they all come to the simultaneous realization that the answer to that last question is: Nothing. No point at all.

        Right before they eat that barrel.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Actually it makes sense. It's a marketing tool to send people tomorrow to buy guns.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      It was supposed to?

  • Gorillionaire

    It was great how the DAY AFTER the freakin election, the gun stores were emptied of all their ammo and guns by rednecks who got skeered that Obama was gonna outlaw everything – the very NEXT DAY AFTER HE WAS ELECTED. These guys are really paying attention.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Wasn't Cordite King Lear's favorite, and banished daughter? Seems King Lear La Pierre fears Edmund Obamer is gonna hang her for sure if he gets the castle keys a second time. It also seems that the NRA has too much of Cordite's sisters, Gonorrhea and Reagan.

  • Callyson

    "Sotomayor, Kagan, Fast & Furious, the United Nations, executive orders. Those are the facts we face today… "
    Um, what?
    "But we don't care because the lying, conniving Obama crowd can kiss our Constitution!"
    What, they're not inviting Obama to kiss their guns? Wimps.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      That's Ted Nugent's job.

  • poncho_pilot

    be still, my beating guns.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Be still, his flapping gums.

  • baconzgood

    What does the Fast & Furious have to do with the Obama admin? Seriously I've heard stuff about this before. I don't want to sound stupid but…What the eff did I miss here? Was there somthing in the movie? I didn't see it so am I missing some right wing crazyness?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Fast and Furious is the ATF operation that was intended to track US gun sales where the guns were subsequently used by illegal groups in Mexico, and which ended up running long enough to supply several thousand guns to Mexican gangs, at least one of which killed a Border Patrol officer. http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2011/08/atf

      • Scottsdalian

        Yeah, a gigantic clusterfuck. Cost the head of ATF and the US Attorney in Phoenix their jobs. And people dead.

    • nonbeliever7

      Were there any black guys in fast and furious? Cause they're all the same. Except for the gay ones.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Next phase of Obama’s insidious plan is to emasculate Merican gun owners into buying pussy, elitist European guns over Merican muscle guns.

    • poncho_pilot

      Obama should just get legislation passed that says, "fine! you can have whatever guns you want! AK's? no problem! rocket launchers? yes, we can! mortars? se habla espanol! but they all have to be painted pink."

  • V572 Moon!

    Wayne, Wayne — forget what the priests told you. It's okay to play with your dick. Everybody who's got one does so; they just haven't told you.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Happiness is a warm Ding-a-ling.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        And how do you keep it warm, boys'ngirlz?

    • emmelemm

      Even some of us who don't have them play with them. (Other people's, obvs.)

      • V572 Moon!

        And apparently don’t feel the need to buy insane numbers of guns and depot-level quantities of ammo to compensate for the absence.

        Maybe the gun fetishists are sublimating a longing to play with other peoples’ hardware.

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Ya think, V?

    • Negropolis

      No, no, no. A priest would tell you that it's not okay to play with your dick, but it's okay if he does it. Jeeze, get it right.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        You went to Catholic school too, didn't you?

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Phone prank from my childhood, pulled many times when I was home alone after school in the days of rotary & push-button phones:

    Me: (After dialing random number) Hello. Ever see an elephant hide in a tree?

    Person Answering Phone: No

    Me: See how well they hide? (Hangs up giggling widely)

    • jus_wonderin

      Anonymous Jokester: "Knock, knock."

      Great, Great, Uncle Audey:

    • DahBoner

      Do you have Uncle Albert in a can, man?

      • padremickey

        Is yer refrigerator running? hehehehehehe
        Is there a John in yer house? hehehehehehe

  • Chichikovovich

    And that's not all. Obummer hasn't said anything to suggest that he and [OK, off the top of my head I can't think of any of the first-grade poop-joke calibre insults wingnuts use to refer to Pelosi. So supply your own] are going to require everyone to only have sex wearing fuzzy bunny costumes. But if he gets a second term, you'll see!

    I hope.

    • flamingpdog

      Even better, he's not going to take away their guns, but he is going to issue an executive order requiring them to wear fuzzy bunny costumes whenever they're carrying.

    • bagofmice

      The fluffier bunny conjecture.

      • Chichikovovich

        Until I googled your post, I had never heard of the "anti-Fluffy-Bunny" movement. You have enriched my life and I thank you.

  • BloviateMe

    Explains why the little lady's been holding out, she's planning a massive sexual attack. I need to prepare, stat.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    This guy should prove he loves his gun by putting it in his mouth and every so lovingly squeezing its trigger.

    • DahBoner

      YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! –Michelle Bachman

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      I like how you think, Bud!

  • prommie

    Now I am not paranoid myself, but I am feeling paranoid, because this is starting to look as if the NRA is engaged in a massive double-secret-reverse conspiracy to fool us into thinking they are not paranoid. You see, they do this by acting so absurdly over-the-top paranoid that it becomes impossible for any reasonable person to believe its genuine. Logicaly, the only reason they would feign being paranoid is to fool us into thinking they are paranoid, but you see, they know thats what we would think, so they are hiding the fact that they really are paranoid by pretending to be so paranoid that we have to assume that they are bluffing being paranoid, when in fact they really are paranoid.

    • flamingpdog

      If you could say that out loud for me, real fast, a la Robin Williams, I would be rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Needs more coke.

    • V572 Moon!

      No, they're just fuckin nuts, obsessed with long hard things.

    • jus_wonderin

      Reading that, which is great BTW, I felt like the movie should star Leonardo DeCaprio.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      OK, here's what we've got: the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people — under the supervision of the reverse vampires — are coming to take our guns. We're through the looking glass here, people!

      • Pristine_ODummy

        John Littleberries? Is that you?

    • James Michael Curley

      You read way too much R. D. Laing in college.

      • finallyhappy

        or listened to Artie Lang

        • Negropolis

          or hit the pipe with Artie Lang.

    • notreelyhelping

      You think you'r'e more paranoid than I am, don't you?

    • Crank_Tango

      I don't care what happens as long as Wayne drinks the wine with the iocaine powder in it.

    • BlueStateLibel

      So basically what you're saying is that this country is full of a bunch of paranoid nuts who like to own lots of guns. Great.

    • nonbeliever7

      Who? What? I don't know.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I love you, prommie. Because you actually make me feel like I'm less crazy than *some* of the people out there.

  • BornInATrailer

    This would have caused me to drop membership had I not already done so years ago for a similarly idiotic action.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Yup. I'm a gun owner. Have a fully stocked safe. I'd rather set my cash on fire than send it to Wayne's Whacko brigade.

    • glamourdammerung

      I dropped around the time that they were criticizing federal agents for enforcing our laws in language that seemed intended to rile up the crazies.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Ah, yes, the jack-booted federal thugs….and G Gordon Liddy helpfully reminding that when the Feds come to YOUR compound, you have to stay cool: "They've got a big target on there: ATF. Don't shoot at that because they've got a vest on underneath that. Head shot, head shot!"

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Two relatives of mine are die-hard Dems and lifetime members of the NRA.
      It must've been more civilized back in the days before Moses and Pepe LaPew.

      (Yes, I just wanted to say "Pepe LaPew.")

      • AJWjr.

        As am I, on both counts. Registered Dem in 1972, joined the NRA in 1975. I've had to re-register as a Dem several times due to geographical changes, but being an Endowment Lifer in the NRA just sorta follows you around. And the pleas for money never stop.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Paranoid really doesn’t describe LaPierre’s ranting. I suppose he’s paid well for what he does and if the NRA doesn’t have anybody threatening their penile extensions, otherwise known as guns, he must make up some threats in order to keep his cushy job. According to Wikipedia, Wayne LaPierre, received a yearly salary of $895,897 in 2004. Hey NRA, I rant for free.

    • jus_wonderin

      Hey, MG, don't give it away. Say you will rant for 50 percent off the going rate.

    • HistoriCat

      Close to $900K? No wonder he's willing to sling bullshit around.

      • Beowoof

        I know for that kind of cash I could come up with some serious paranoid bullshit.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Now I know it: no guns, no gains.

  • An_Outhouse

    I'm sorry but 38 seconds of paranoid repetitive rambling is all I could stomach.

    "When freedom is at risk, gun owners step up …"

    What could he possibly be suggesting?

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      I couldn't watch it at all.
      You're my hero!

    • babyeinstein

      kiss my second amendment solutions, bitch!

  • Tommmcattt

    It's working with your wives, too, guys. By not sleeping with them Barry is lulling you all into a passive dream state and then BAMMMO! The armed contingent of the crazy right-wing is going to be infiltrated by thousands of little one-quarterfricans, all bent on carrying out their father's will.

    These absolutely no evidence of this whatsoever so it must be true.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I like this idea. Where do I sign up? I would like two dozen one-quarterfricans for my neighbourhood, please.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Wayne LaPierre. That sounds suspiciously French and/or ghey to me. He may be part of the conspiracy. Yeah, that's the ticket.

    • fletc3her

      We start supporting the French NRA next thing you know we'll all have to eat french toast and french dressing with our french fires. The humanity.

  • bumfug

    Being a gun owner doesn't automatically make you a fool, being Wayne LaPierre does.

  • poorgradstudent

    There's no evidence that George W. Bush *didn't* start the Iraq War to supply massive amounts of blood in order to restore the youth of his mother, who is really the immortal Elizabeth Bathory, also.

    • arihaya

      I think the jar is quite an evidence

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Oh, geez, dood, I clicked that link. I NEVER want to read about Bar-Bar's Jar-Jar ever again.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I don't know. Bathory was reputed to be beautiful.

      • Negropolis

        You know, I've seen some pictures of a young Barbara Bush, and she was actually pretty attractive. In fact, when I was told the pictures were of her I didn't believe it.

  • jus_wonderin

    "Some in the liberal media, they are already probably blogging about it."

  • prommie

    In one respect, they are using the classic test to determine who is a witch, basically saying "Obama is a witch." You see, if a witch denies being a witch, that proves they are a witch. Likewise, Obama not going after the guns, this just proves that actually, he is going after the guns.

    • Sassomatic

      Obama turned me into a newt!

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Look at his nose!

    • Negropolis

      Oh, how they wish they could do the dunk test.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Yes, but for Our Prez, they'll want boiling oil.

        The hate is visible, unwarranted, and based on nothing but that BLACK-BLACK-BLACK African father of his. If Obama were 100% white, these people would be lauding him as the best President the USAmerica ever had.

  • GuanoFaucet

    I'll give you my paranoia when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!

  • An_Outhouse

    The NRA became the tea party for the gun manufacturers decades ago. They should stand up for looser regulations of prescription narcotics and cash in on some sweet pharmaceutical lucre. I'm sure Rush would be happy to be their paid spokesperson.

  • Sassomatic

    Maybe the refusal of the GOP to pass jobs legislation is just a crafty plan to cold ASSAULT our asses with jobs later. Not paying ones, though.

  • Rotundo_

    Well Wayne has to do something to froth the gun owners into maintaining their memberships, so what do you expect? Announce that apparently he has the democraps right where he wants them, so just relax? Nah, Wayne will come up with some booga booga the negro is going to take your guns-es line so the bubbas will keep getting their American Rifleman subscriptions and the cool little stickers and shit.

  • genxr

    Laugh all you want, but I'm on to Wonkette's secret plan to get me to quit drinking.

  • JackObin

    I think this country should ban stupidity. Talk about a daunting task.

    • jus_wonderin

      You post is a good argument for personal pocket nuclear devices. They could just off themselves Darwin style.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Could you come up with something slightly less damaging to the environment? If at all possible, it should leave their clothing and personal possessions intact.

        • AJWjr.

          Neutron bombs can be miniaturized, can't they?

          • PalinzADummy

            I sure hope so. Talk about "clean kill."

  • SorosBot

    LaPierre himself is no fool. So when he got appointed to the NRA, they concocted a scheme to stay away from the child sex slave issue, lull children and their parents to sleep and play them for fools in 2012. Well, parents are not fools and they are not fooled.

    Wayne LaPierre and his cohorts, yeah, they’re going to deny their conspiracy to kidnap children to keep as their sex slaves. Some in the liberal media, they are already probably blogging about it. But we don’t care because the lying, conniving NRA crowd can kiss our anti-pedophilia laws!

  • poncho_pilot

    their constitution? this one?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confederate_States_C

    or the one that everyone else follows? i don't know if there is an equivalent to the 2nd amendment in there, either.

  • flamingpdog

    Obama lulls all of the gun owners into a perilous sense of security

    Jeebus H. Christ, Wayne, if you're worried about anybody lulling anybody else, you needz to look across the aisle at Tim Pawlenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  • poncho_pilot

    i wanted my punk band pseudonym to be Dick Fear:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfQSspNKUJ8

    fuck, i miss George Carlin.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Reminds me of my brother's, (a punk rocker), wedding when he was so honored and excited that Jennifer Blowdryer made an appearance.

      I also miss George Carlin. Especially his proposal that golf courses be turned into homeless shelters.

      • poncho_pilot

        yeppers. and cemeteries into parks =)

  • Pat_Pending

    Next thing you know Obama's gonna be outlawing every loose plank in every deck in America. Commie.

  • HistoriCat

    Only vaguely on topic but this seems like a good spot to throw out This gem. The Jefferson Allegiance by Bob Mayer

    From the B&N blurb – The Jefferson Allegiance refers to a secret addition to the 2nd Amendment that Jefferson employed as a failsafe. Basically, if a totalitarian government ever takes over the U.S., the secret clause offers the people the ability to fight back.
    Since Jefferson knew that his Allegiance could cause irreparable harm if it fell into the wrong hands, he encrypted it and gave it to a trusted ally for safe keeping. After being secretly passed down through the generations, the Allegiance is now at risk of being exposed.

    It really just speaks for itself, doesn't it?

    • poncho_pilot

      from the text of the secret addition:

      "Weapons (tier 3): While playing the game, press R1, R2, L1, R2, Left, Down, Right, Up, Left, Down(3). If you entered the code correctly, a message will appear. The high powered weapons in each category will be unlocked, including the chainsaw and lock-on bazooka."

    • Jukesgrrl

      Bob Mayer is a pseudonym for Glenn Beck?

      • HistoriCat

        Who knew?

  • genxr

    OMG, you know what this means…

    The NRA wants to take away our gunz!!

  • valgal2342

    I bet if I hid my guns up Wayne's ass, Ban Ki Moon would never find them there!

  • Limeylizzie

    Is that his real name? What is he a female impersonator by night?

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      I guess he's Dustin Hoffman in a new Mel Brooks movie.

    • poncho_pilot

      Jayne/Wayne County? (not quite impersonation.)
      http://youtu.be/J6tZ0e5nCv8

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      It's one those "to gay to be true" things, so he's in the clear.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    He's living proof of why we need gun control. If I were Obama, I'd send the FBI to confiscate his arms immediately. Be a leader, brother!

  • Schmannnity

    I'm not worried. I've wrapped all my guns in tin foil.

  • Barrelhse

    "..and play us for fools in 2012."

    Seems like Wayne got a jump on 2012.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Speaking to Ban Ki Moon: "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    So what's about the United Nations? Is the UN trying to hide our arms under the new bike paths it's building everywhere?

    • poncho_pilot

      they're going to beat the guns into plowshares and force us all to be farmers! muhahahaha!

  • occams8ball

    Please forgive me for this stupid theory, but what if say 20% of us are totally incapable of figuring anything out. They will no doubt be scared and anxious and want to be consoled. Unfortunately, a reasonable approach would scare them worse since reason doesn't exist in their world. The only way to give them what they want is to lie to them. Is that a job you want? "We will kill your enemies but will torture them first to get the names of their enemy comrades!" "You can only be safe with adequate fire-power! We will protect your right to kill your enemies yourself!" "Fetuses are totally cool, let them live!" God will save you if you really screw up, Santa will deliver your SS checks etc.

  • Steverino247

    The NRA exists to boost firearm and ammunition sales and nothing else. It serves no other purpose. Amazing how frightening idiots into buying more weapons and ammo works so well despite there being no evidence that firearms are even necessary for most citizens.

    Oh, and I qualified as expert with several firearms in the Army, so I'm no pussy when it comes to weapons. I don't own one and don't need one.

  • notreelyhelping

    But…but…see, we thought he might, in that cigarette pack, have a tiny little explosive device, and….

  • voodooeconomics

    He seems to be regurgitating Obama's 2008 talking points.
    By not plotting Obama plots the demise of the NRA. It's in the details people.

  • AlterNewt

    Why is Obama such a luller? Why?

  • chascates

    And these warnings are always calls to SEND THE NRA MORE MONEY!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Just like Ole Crazy Eyes' emails!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Just how is it that the head of a "non-profit" organization can advocate not voting for a specific candidate?

    Meanwhile, that really made me uncomfortable!

    Not his silly ass rantings.

    The way he twitched from side to side like a four-year-old about to pee in his pants.

  • glamourdammerung

    “Sotomayor, Kagan, Fast & Furious, the United Nations, executive orders. Those are the facts we face today"

    Apparently, someone does not understand what "facts" means. Maybe we should buy him a dictionary.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Oh, hell, no. Do what they do at parochial school. Tell him there'll be a test, and if he produces the wrong answer, beat the hell out of his ass.

      Worked wonders when I attended.

  • spends2much

    It's the same reason the Job Creators have to keep sleeping on piles of money instead of, you know, creating jobs: Obama hasn't raised their taxes, but he MIGHT, one day, at some point in the future, so they refuse to spend money until someone like Mittens is in charge.

    At which point they will all hire new maids and gardeners.

  • Goonemeritus

    First of all the last administration that passed significantly restrictive laws on gun ownership was Republican (Brady Bill). Secondly can anyone now doubt that the NRA is now an official subsidiary of the GOP?

    • HistoriCat

      I'm starting to think the GOP is a subsidiary partnership of the NRA and Fox.

  • henrypuppyhead

    Wil E. Coyote stuff here.

  • swordfis

    If any of you didn't know about this (I had forgotten Colbert or John Stewart did a segment about it, "Crooks and Liars" was also a bungled, Keystone Kops attempt to entrap Mexican drug gangs:
    http://www.investors.com/NewsAndAnalysis/Article/

  • Goonemeritus

    The real issue with the NRA is in the absence of a real threat to gun ownership they will invent one. Without a membership in constant fear of the ATF battering down their door to haul away their only friend and prosthetic penis the NRA will wither and die.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Ah, there's nothing like hysterical, paranoid ranting from an NRA VP to convince me that gun control is a bad thing.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    So this guy's logic is that the fact that someone shows no signs of committing or planning an act, even disavowing it; is proof that they are planning to do that same act. Why isn't he also screaming about the Republicans wanting to jack up everybody's taxes, impose sharia law, and make us all marry gay Mexicans? And take away our guns.

  • 102415

    You know what I have always loved about the NRA idiots? They are all on a nice neatly typed list that is divided up into zip codes and of course there are the gerrymandered election district maps with the special little marks on the houses generated by that fancy election software you can buy for a couple of large pizzas and a small bag of coke.

    • Chichikovovich

      Shhhhh! Don't tell them. We're going to use the NRA membership information to take away all their guns. And kick 'em in the nuts too. By remaining members of the NRA they have signed their own "no guns and a kick in the nuts" warrant! So delicious!
      Moohaahaaaha! (The rest of you should be also doing the evil insane laughter thing right now.)

  • BarackMyWorld

    That's not any crazier than the Tea Party complaining about Obama raising taxes.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    But seriously, this makes a lot of sense – today Obama wants your guns – tomorrow – your forks and knives and next week your home to house the massive UN occupation armies that will be shuffling ALL of us off to FEMA Death Trains so Kenyans can come and take over!!!!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    If you wonder – who could believe this crap??? Watch the video below. Some nimrod who is convinced that railroad autorack cars (used for carrying new cars) are FEMA death carriers – designed to hold enslaved patriots on the way to FEMA death camps:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bjg1UaryuLM

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    OT: where is Sara Lou Beninchezmoi?

    • Chichikovovich

      Benincheztoi? Dans ton rêves.

      • BTWBFDIMHO

        As Madame Curie said:
        Il faut faire de la vie un rêve et d'un rêve une réalité.

    • prommie

      Has Sara been in the house?

  • bflrtsplk

    Remember when wingnuts were hovering around Obama public appearances with their side arms? If he wanted to take away their guns, who could blame him? Do they still bring their weapons to Obama appearances?

  • Chichikovovich

    I had the impression that the current thinking on the 2nd Amendment from the Roberts court is that everyone has the right to buy guns except felons and people who are demonstrably goo-goo loopy wacko insane as a sack of rabid weasels. How does this speech not get him put immediately into the second category?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Consider the audience.

  • Negropolis

    But we don’t care because the lying, conniving Obama crowd can kiss our Constitution!

    I didn't watch the video (and don't plan to, though, if it happens it just happens), but this can not be a serious quote. "can kiss our Constitution!" Where the fuck does this crypt-keeping muthafucker think he is?! On the set of Good Times?! Zombie, please.

  • ttommyunger

    I have been a Life Member of the NRA since l956, yup, I was 15. Had my own shotgun when I was 12, my own rifle when I was 13, my first pistol when I was l5. They hung on my wall in my bedroom, loaded, 24/7. Never once entered my mind to take one or more to school, etc. My point: this French pussyfart and his professional boogymen scare-mongers now make me ashamed to admit it.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I think Michael Moore had the right idea: Libruls should join the NRA in overwhelming numbers and vote to make it an organization dedicated to sensible firearms policy.

      • ttommyunger

        Excellent idea, let's……..Ooooooh, look who's on Dancing With the Stars……

    • Schmegeg

      Obama is DEFINITELY NOT coming after you. So lock your doors!

      • ttommyunger

        I know you're right, I didn't see one black helicopter over my house today.

        • Scottsdalian

          What better proof?

    • 102415

      TTommy that was then. This is now.I remember there was an organization that was created for normal people. I don't know why we don't hear more about them these days.

      • ttommyunger

        It is a shame.

  • kingofmeh

    i am confused: where do our precious bodily fluids and the purity of essence come into the mix?

  • Doktor Zoom

    Wayne LaPierre has not, as of this date, taken any steps to assrape your family's beloved pet dogs and cats. This only underlines the importance of keeping your pets inside.

    ETERNAL VIGILANCE IS THE PRICE OF LIBERTY…AND CANINE / FELINE ANAL INTEGRITY

  • northernbassist

    Wyatt Cenac said it best: http://tinyurl.com/yc5po8s

    Not just what he said, but how he said it.
    (suffer through the 30 sec ad and then ffwd to 5:50 or so)

  • DahBoner

    NRA: "Where all the crazy white wimmims?"

  • Blueb4sunrise

    He would be more convincing if he were riding a mechanical bull.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Really? Already time to post this again?

    "Relax! Your paranoid political fantasies notwithstanding, no one's going to take your guns away! Barring some seismic realignment in this country, the gun control debate is all but settled–and your side won. The occasional horrific civilian massacre is just the price the rest of us have to pay. Over and over again, apparently."

    Sparky the Wonder Penguin

    • not that Dewey

      Class war, race war, gun war — you can pretty much stick any word in front of
      " -war" and the statement "your side won" will still be true.

    • not that Dewey

      Little Suzie wanted to go to the library after school today. While she was entertaining herself with the books and computer games and whatnot, I wandered over to the Howard Zinn section. FUCK! I'm just a simple electrical engineer, but that shit fucked my shit right up.

  • Scottsdalian

    Wayne LaPierre

    Pffffttt. Sounds French.

  • VinnyThePooh

    "AAAHHHH!"
    "What's wrong?"
    "I had LaPierre dream again."

  • Negropolis

    I heard that Wayne LaPierre raped and killed a girl in 1990….

    Seriously, can't we start some conspiracy theory about how the NRA is actually a secret, Zionist, NWO plot to take their guns and give them to the Mexicans and the blacks in the upcoming race war, also terrorism? You know, something that touches every one of their paranoid buttons?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      OK. Where do we start?

  • lulzmonger

    MEH. Smells like re-run spirit to me. Wingnut gonzo martyrdom-porn. Use your computer's ENHANCE function to see the little wind-up key twirling between his batlike shoulder-blades.

    Gun collection squads & FEMA camp ooga-booga is just so-o-o-o-o 2008.

  • El Pinche

    Queue the Charlton Heston "Miss me yet?" billboard ..1…2..3.

    • Radiotherapy®

      Charlatan Heston don't give a shit.

  • 102415

    Remember when they gave the guns back to the Iraqi army because they had *2nd Amendment rights*.Remember when they passed out toy guns to small children in Harlem against the wishes of the parents.These are not normal crazy people they live on another planet. You can't use any buttons but the one big taxi yellow zombie buzzer switch.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Thankfully, I just apply the Castle Doctrine to all intruding thoughts that make sense. It ain't illegal if you're in (or near) my house or car, motherfucker!~

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    On another note: It's nice to Nan Flanagan branching out.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    LaPierre??? Where's his birth certificate?????

  • HedonismBot

    Back in the real world, one can make the case that Obama's election was actually (though indirectly) very good for the gun industry. After Obama won the 2008 election, the NRA began saying, very subtly, "AAAGGH!! BLACK PRESIDENT!! DEMOCRATS!! THEY'RE TAKING OUR WEAPONS!!" The effect of this was a sharp uptick in gun sales, even though Obama and his army of jackbooted bleeding hearts showed no desire to take away the firearms.
    If NRA scare tactics work, gun sales could spike again. Seems to me the American gun industry owes Obama some gratitude.

  • Quayle2012_KNOT

    Wayne ThePeter (Principle) is proof of the sniveling persons of French lineage conspiracy to turn our most God-fearin' macho organization into a snail-eatin' cabal of pooftas. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • edconley7

    I own 2 guns. I use to own 7. Having kids lead me to get rid of most of them. I will probably sell the other 2 soon as well. Just don't have time for hunting anymore. I don't blame our President for this, I blame my wife's vajayjay.

  • iburl

    Obama is a right wing corporate tool and the bagger nation sees him as some sort of radical communist. This all goes to prove that there is no pleasing an angry white idiot.

  • widget2011

    I'll take this as another symptom on St. Ronald of Reagans' decision to unleash the metally ill into the prison systems and (gasp) the general public. Hopefully this particular crackpot gets a phone call at 3:30 AM, and forgetting he left his gun right next to his phone he puts it up to his head and before saying hello, pulls the trigger.

  • tcaalaw

    Obama has not tried to still their guns

    Wonkette getting poetic or failed autocorrect of "steal"? You make the call!

  • Tommy1733

    That guy just said our Constitution is the same as his ass! Isn't that treason?

  • jus_wonderin

    To be fair, it was only a cameo role for Kagan. And, her cues were read by the Gaffer.