TERROR FROM THE SKIES  12:56 pm September 23, 2011

NASA Now Says Falling Satellite Will Maybe Destroy America Today

by Ken Layne

If you're old enough to remember this video game, you're too slow to outrun the satellite.Have you heard about that no-big-deal falling six-ton bus-sized satellite that wasn’t really a risk for the United States? Well, NASA just changed its story, and now the U.S. is in the path of destruction. The satellite will fall out of space in a few hours. It might break up into pieces that mostly slam into the oceans, and it might kill you and everyone you love. Then again, it might kill people you don’t love. So, think of it as your own erratic U.S. predator drone or Angel of Death.

NASA, our nation’s space program without a space program, updated its psychic predictions about the whole “orbital apocalypse” thing:

A satellite whose orbit is degrading will fall back to Earth Friday afternoon, with the United States once again a potential target, NASA said.

The U.S. space agency had been saying for two days that North America would not be not in the strike zone for about 26 pieces of the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS) expected to survive the descent. Those pieces, made of stainless steel, titanium and beryllium that won’t burn, range from about 10 pounds to hundreds of pounds, according to NASA.

And then, NASA put something on Twitter saying, “Eh, maybe it will fall Saturday and not Friday. We have no frickin’ clue.”

So, keep your eyes on the skies! Or don’t, as it won’t really matter one way or the other. What are you going to do, run away from several hundred pounds of red-hot metal shooting out of the sky? Fine, run. It’s never to late to get in shape or whatever! [CNN]

 
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{ 227 comments }

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 23, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Oh please, oh please hit Texas…

elviouslyqueer September 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Dare to dream, dear Bonzo. Dare. To. Dream.

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

And Cantor can hold up any Federal disaster funds!

freakishlywrong September 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Bonzo. He's not holding them up. He's "offsetting" them, so he can defund projects on a purely partisan basis.

Radiotherapy® September 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm

They are hoping it hits the NLRB.

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

He is a True Patriot!

DustBowlBlues September 23, 2011 at 1:17 pm

That was my first thought . With half the state on fire, if the satellite dropped on the office of the Southern Baptist Convention, do think the fundamentards would finally get how damned they are?

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I'm sure they would interpret it as a sign from Jehovah that they're not hating queers and women enough and need to ramp up their efforts.

yrbmegr September 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Somebody paint the Texas Capitol.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 25, 2011 at 12:44 am

The Texas capitol is empty 95% of the time … they only get together every other year, to compare oil company payoffs and decide who's getting screwed for the next two years. (Heads, it's teachers, tails, it's Messicans.)

SorosBot September 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I'm hoping for Colorado Springs myself; but really any megachurch would do.

AutomaticPilot September 23, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Well, as long as it misses our fellow Wonketeers, like Texan Bulldogette.

Pristine_ODummy September 23, 2011 at 4:14 pm

But not Austin. And please wait till Rick Perry's back, and then try to hit the exact spot he's standing on.

valgal2342 September 23, 2011 at 5:37 pm

I don't know, I kind of like the idea of it crashing into the Westboro Baptist Church people while they're all having an orgy and then jacking itself off back into space with all those idiots on board and blows up again and again and again….fireworks for all!

Pristine_ODummy September 24, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I like the way you think. Pity we can't have Perry visiting Westboro when it all takes place.

OC_Surf_Serf September 23, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Destroy USA Today

Like anybody actually reads that…

PubOption September 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

I have been known to read it, there's normally a copy in the departure lounge when I'm waiting for a plane.

littlebigdaddy September 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Or when you stay in a mid-range hotel, along with the free breakfast buffet. Does anyone actually buy it?

Negropolis September 24, 2011 at 12:11 am

And yet, it's the most widely read "paper" in America. sigh

Biel_ze_Bubba September 25, 2011 at 12:46 am

They have to keep printing more and more copies, because Sarah keeps reading all of them, Katie.

HistGuy September 23, 2011 at 12:50 pm

If we start a petition at the White House, can we decide who it falls on?

genxr September 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Can we decide to have weed fall to earth instead?

mereoblivion September 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Mannajuana from heaven?

ChuckieJesus September 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm
Doktor Zoom September 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Rick Perry Wanna Manna

flamingpdog September 23, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Rick Perry would only marry Juana if she showed him the long-form 'Mur'can birf certificate first.

bflrtsplk September 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

If we make a list and send it to Santa marked "Urgent," maybe he'll make early, unscheduled deliveries.

GunToting[Redacted] September 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Can we quickly schedule another one of those GOP debate thingies? Maybe in a strategic location?

freakishlywrong September 23, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Doesn't the gawd awful CPAC start today? I think it's in America's dingus™.

FlownOver September 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Good.

mrpuma2u September 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I, for one welcome our new cosmic debris random death dealing overlords. All hail the cruel and whimsical space junk masters!

MLHencken September 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Skynet. I'm just sayin'.

DCphotographer September 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

If USA Today was destroyed, how would they know?
Marty Katz http://washingtonphotographer.com

BklynIlluminati September 23, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Which is harder? Winning the lottery or getting hit by a satellite?

ChurchofRealism September 23, 2011 at 1:53 pm

True story. One day I was cruising around Atlanta and I got hit by a Georgia Satellite.

GOPCrusher September 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Don't give me no lines, and keep your hands to yourself.

Pristine_ODummy September 23, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Guess we're about to find out. When do we start counting noses at Wonketz?

OC_Surf_Serf September 23, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Destroy USA

Get 'er done before Perry is elected and does it himself…

DustBowlBlues September 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

The third Texas comment, including my reply. I hope the Texican wonkeratti aren't getting their feelings hurt. On the other hand, at least it isn't OK that's being trashed. Boomer Sooner!

FlownOver September 23, 2011 at 1:47 pm

In fact NASA took the prevailing Oklahoma suckitude into account as affecting the otherwise-ballistic trajectory.

GOPCrusher September 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

With Dan Beebe getting fired as Big 12 Commish, the Red River Shootout this year will involve real blood-letting.

bureaucrap September 23, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Aim for the Blimp!!!

smitallica September 23, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Chris Christie?

arihaya September 24, 2011 at 3:49 am

Limbaugh isn't hiding in Puerto Rico, isn't he ?

SexySmurf September 23, 2011 at 12:54 pm

If the satellite destroys USA Today then where will Americans get their useless pie charts?

bureaucrap September 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

you beat me by *that* much..

flamingpdog September 23, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Mmmmm, piiiiiiie.

edgydrifter September 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Given the people I dislike vastly outnumber the folks in my "like" group, I'd say the odds are looking pretty sweet right about now.

DustBowlBlues September 23, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Me, too. Here in rural OK, the satellite only has to miss a dozen or so people to be A-OK with me.

yrbmegr September 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Really, just about anywhere in ten southern states would suit me.

skoalrebel September 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Great! I'm sure it doesn't have proper entry permission. Another illegal immigrant come to fuck things up. [spit] Secure the border!

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Build the dang roof!

bureaucrap September 23, 2011 at 12:56 pm

If the satellite destroys "USA Today", what pablum will Marriott deposit at their hotels' room doors every morning "with our compliments"? Maybe something more accurate, like the National Enquirer.

Pithaughn September 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Mother Jones? I like to get the International Herald tribune, are they still killing trees?

ApplesauceRobot September 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Alt Text WIN.

OC_Surf_Serf September 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Shit, now we know what Ken does when he is not trying to scare the Wonketters….

weejee September 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Thought he was into Pong.

flamingpdog September 23, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Ken needz less Pong, more Bong.

Schmannnity September 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Build the damn fence!

Swampgas_Man September 23, 2011 at 3:34 pm

In the sky!

JackDempsey1 September 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Thanks for the heads up.
[smearing goat's blood on front door]

elviouslyqueer September 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Somehow, Rick Santorum will blame this on the gays.

DustBowlBlues September 23, 2011 at 1:27 pm

If Pat Robertson doesn't beat him to it.

prommie September 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Bristol Palin blames it on the gay.

freakishlywrong September 23, 2011 at 12:58 pm

My friend, Chicken Little, says "bawk"

Barb September 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I doubt that it will hit Wasilla. I mean, what are the odds that Sarah could be hit by chunks of space debris after having that house fall on her sister?

102415 September 23, 2011 at 1:57 pm

She wants those shoes I'll bet.

JustPixelz September 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Does Sarah Palin™ still have her surveyor's marks plastered all over America?

If it hits anything Repubicans like, it's because the Socialist Kenyan does not share our values. If it hits anything Demoncrats like, it's God's will (as expressed through the laws of physics and probability).

Stuff like this wouldn't happen if the states ran the space program. Or if people could just keep all their income under Michele Bachmann's 0-0-0 tax plan.

yrbmegr September 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Bachmann's 0-0-0 tax plan, in which we still give some money "back to" the government. Cause we have to run the government, you know.

MrFizzy September 23, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I just got hit with something heavy, but it may have been dried santorum from Marcus Bachmann's ass. Don't ask how that happened.

MildMidwesterner September 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

If all the hippies back in the '60s had ignored science we wouldn't have had any satellites up in space to begin with.

Chalk up another point for creationism.

Pragmatist2 September 23, 2011 at 1:03 pm

One more reason to move to Canada.

charlesdegoal September 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Afraid parts of Canada (and every other country) may not be immune: http://www.heavens-above.com/orbit.aspx?satid=217

Texan_Bulldog September 23, 2011 at 1:03 pm

It's a good thing Rascals can only go about 5 MPH.

freakishlywrong September 23, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Goldamn. The usurper nigra in the the white house has turned this whole goldarned country to sheeeit. Falling bridges, unpaved roads and collapsin' satlites. S'all his fawlt.
Taxed Enough Already. Goldamn.

SayItWithWookies September 23, 2011 at 1:05 pm

What a pity — businesses were all set to do some hiring today, and then Obama's NASA injected so much uncertainty about where and when the satellite was going to land that they've decided to bag it. How much longer is our president going to keep destroying this economy?!

yrbmegr September 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm

The Republican plan would repeal NASA's authority to hurl satellites from space at poor unsuspecting American corporations.

Steverino247 September 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

My money's on Texas. Because being hit with space junk is the only disaster they haven't had yet this year.

Chichikovovich September 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Perry better gather a stadium full of people to pray away the debris. The strategy is bound to work sooner or later!

prommie September 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

We only need a volcanic eruption and an asteroid strike, here in NJ, to make the disaster perfecta.

Respitetini September 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Locusts. We haven't had locusts yet, either.

Not_So_Much September 23, 2011 at 1:08 pm

What will I win?!

Swampgas_Man September 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

If it hits me, I should at least expect a state-paid funeral.

hagajim September 23, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I hope it does hit USA Today,,,,fucking rag ruined the newspaper business!

slowhansolo September 24, 2011 at 1:08 am

And former Mother Gannett bot runs the AP!

FACT CHECK OBAMA

weejee September 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

So here in C'Addle the forecast is partly cloudy with a chance of titanium showers?

MissusBarry September 23, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Completely cloudy, here, so I won't see the space junk coming. I should probably hurry up and go bang MisterBarry and eat something fattening, just in case.

LesBontemps September 23, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Advance planning like this is something we can all support.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

According to Tom Robbins, the Seattle sky usually resembles "cottage cheese that had been dragged nine miles behind a cement truck." So today, just a bit lumpier.

Steverino247 September 23, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Maybe the space junk will hit one of the many Spanky2b accounts. (Asshole has all of them check my junk every day…)

MissusBarry September 23, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Just put a friendly face on your junk, just cuz. Wait, that sounds dirty. Oh, well.

102415 September 23, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I just means you are special to her. Me too I'm afraid. Nobody else pays that much attention to me. I love you too Miz Spankykins!

Come here a minute September 23, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Didn't we get that Star Wars Missile Shield partially deployed during the 'cut taxes and spend like drunken sailors, on missiles' George W. Bush administration? Why don't they just point it at the satellite, and keep us all safe. You know, like "George W. Bush Kept America Safe®".

102415 September 23, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I thought it was Reagan who paid for the imaginary secret invisible shield that was pretend?

V572 Moon! September 23, 2011 at 1:10 pm

What was the name of that earth-orbiting butt-sexer again– UPper Atmosphere Research SatEllite?

BarackMyWorld September 23, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Like most of you, I read the headline, assumed they meant the newspaper, and felt a little better about the world.

Now that I read the article? Not so much.

Spurning Beer September 23, 2011 at 1:13 pm

NASA says that the chances of any particular person being hit by satellite debris is 1 in 21 trillion. Since there are about 7 billion of us, though, that raises the odds to 1 in 3200 that somebody will be hit.

By my rough calculations, that means that the chances that person would be American are less than 1 in 20, but it's 50-50 that the person hit would be an asshole.

JohnyEdge September 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm

90-10.

Mumbletypeg September 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Ken does this mean it's too late to see about a redux of last fall's wonketteer gathering?

or… now that I think about it.. that was predicated by the availability of a rounded-out stable of ed/mod's to coordinate: the Wonkabout™, the Mourning in America©
correspondent, the AM/PM contributors. Damn. It *already* feels like post-satellite impact devastation round here. Oh well. Nice knowing y'all! (checks watch).. How soon to start drinking to this long kiss goodnight, forever?

hollywooddood September 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Oh, shit, I have to put up plastic and duct tape on the windows again?

V572 Moon! September 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

You mean you took yours down?

hollywooddood September 23, 2011 at 1:43 pm

They ended the color code system and I got confused.

jus_wonderin September 23, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Doesn't it look like a Dinner Plate now?

Chet Kincaid September 23, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Hehe

flamingpdog September 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

They still have the colored code system in effect in the red states.

102415 September 23, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Actually it's raining like hell here. I will be in all weekend and batshit crazy by next Thursday when it's supposed to stop. I apologize in advance.

flamingpdog September 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Bachmann/102415/2012!

102415 September 23, 2011 at 3:27 pm

By early Sunday morning God will indeed ask me to run and I will just have to think it over until I am more soberish. Meanwhile please paypal me some Amerios to show your support.

Neoyorquino September 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Cool. I'll take any excuse to play a track from Devo's first album.

Swampgas_Man September 23, 2011 at 3:49 pm

SPACE JUNK!

Neoyorquino September 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

she was walking all alone
down the street in the alley
her name was sally
she never saw it
when she was hit by . . .

CapnFatback September 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm

No worries. As long as we're near a Dungeon Master, we're one twenty-sided-die roll from safety.

bagofmice September 23, 2011 at 3:03 pm

If only Texas had a WET hot American summer.

Radiotherapy® September 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I haven't been this scared since Y2K.

AlterNewt September 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Well, we've had a pretty good run.

Radiotherapy® September 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Now they are shoving Space Junk down our throats.

mereoblivion September 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

"A satellite whose orbit is degrading . . . "
Isn't just about every g.d. thing on earth nowadays?

Ruhe September 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Run from the airborne debris event and get healthy to boot? Is the first lady behind this whole thing?

archikvetch September 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

space junkz godz need to ask Stephen Hill who should be smoted by the spacey saltpeter- oh, and add Ann Coulter for good measure.

BTWBFDIMHO September 23, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Ann Coulter is too skinny, it will miss her.
But Gov. Christy or Limbaugh are good targets.

PubOption September 23, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Stephen Hill? Is he changing his show from 'Hearts of Space' to 'Parts from Space'?

Monsieur_Grumpe September 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

I hope this is the last time they buy an ACME satellite.

weejee September 23, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Wile E. Coyote endorsement or no.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I’ve learned from the TeeVee that umbrellas won’t be of any use in this kind of situation.

V572 Moon! September 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

My tinfoil helmet gives me 0.00000000001 seconds of early warning, however.

Chichikovovich September 23, 2011 at 1:52 pm

But remember – if you're running away from the falling satellite, and you don't feel ground under your feet anymore, Don't Look Down!

HobbesEvilTwin September 23, 2011 at 4:23 pm

are you supposed to run uphill or downhill from falling satellites? I always get that confused.

PubOption September 23, 2011 at 3:58 pm

It might have stayed in orbit, if it wasn't attached to an anvil.

widestanceshakedown September 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Well, I've been checking out the window all day and I haven't seen anything co

mereoblivion September 23, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Don't despair, help is on the wa

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I'm Tim Pawlenty, and I'm here to savZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Pithaughn September 23, 2011 at 2:12 pm

So a tiny piece hit the enter key on your keyboard?

widestanceshakedown September 23, 2011 at 3:08 pm

OK, fine, it's about as true as keyboards getting ruined by mouth-shot coffee, but as long as it keeps my p-ness happy, wtf?

El Pinche September 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Anyone wanna go to my prayer rally? I'm praying for Rush Limbaugh's house.

freakishlywrong September 23, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Well, hell, if prayer doesn't work and the satellite misses Rush's place, can we set it on fire?

El Pinche September 23, 2011 at 2:00 pm

It's always good to have a Plan B.

102415 September 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I'll pray if there is food.

flamingpdog September 23, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Hold it at Rush's house – there's bound to be food.
Or at least "food".

102415 September 23, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Tricky! but you won't catch me anywhere near that assteriod. The gravity!

DashboardBuddha September 23, 2011 at 2:56 pm

I am saying it here, right now…if the satellite of love takes out Rush AND his house, I will give up my current life and join a religious order devoting my life to service.

glamourdammerung September 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Why would you want to damage his house?

BarackMyWorld September 23, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Damn it, Layne changed the headline to something less confusing!

SorosBot September 23, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I was wondering why so many people were making jokes about USA Today.

flamingpdog September 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm

That's a 300 lb load offa my mind.

ApplesauceRobot September 23, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Somewhere, a lonely farm kid is begging his uncle to let him transmit his application to the academy THIS year. Little does he know that just above the atmosphere…

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Whiny little bastard. Hope he gets bulls-eyed like a womp rat.

Naked_Bunny September 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

You should flesh that out into a story. Maybe add a princess, a rogue, and some wacky sidekicks. Me, I'd include a naked furry or two, but that'll never sell mainstream.

HistoriCat September 23, 2011 at 4:44 pm

that'll never sell mainstream.

I find your lack of faith … disturbing.

Negropolis September 24, 2011 at 12:21 am

I don't know, I found the observation most impressive.

OneYieldRegular September 23, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Thank Saint Reagan we've spent $100+ billion dollars on a missile defense project capable of taking out a dangerous threat like this.

orygoon September 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm

"destroy what's left of America".

/fixed.

Maman September 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I have decided to walk through life like Tom Sizemore's character in Black Hawk Down. You never see the one with your name on it anyway…

prommie September 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

You will meet your fate on the path you took to avoid it.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm

If you meet the Buddha on the road, why don't we do it in the road?

prommie September 23, 2011 at 1:55 pm

he he

genxr September 23, 2011 at 2:05 pm

and I've decided to walk though life like Tom Sizemore's character in Celebrity Rehab.

Nostrildamus September 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Smoldering piles of junk? Best aim for W Virginia.

prommie September 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

This could be our last day on earth! Its time to end it all with a bang, bring on the hedonistic end-times orgy, sex with random strangers, go out with your boots on, as it were, like in On The Beach. LimeyLizzie, you said I had a shot, we may not be alive tomorrow…

prommie September 23, 2011 at 3:02 pm

OK, not Limey, anyone? Anyone at all? I gave up having standards long ago. . . . .

slithytoves September 23, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Jesus, NASA, that's a pretty understated "Fore!"

DustBowlBlues September 23, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Great alt text. Or however you guys spell it. I have an iMac, so I just scroll over it.

Who knew the satellite + our managing editor could supply such yucks. Meanwhile, please join me in intercessional prayer that it takes out a hate radio star–any old Sean O'Rushbeck will do– mid-rant.

elviouslyqueer September 23, 2011 at 1:40 pm

That R.E.M. So prescient! Wait, what?

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm
102415 September 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Evah! (banging head around)

Chet Kincaid September 23, 2011 at 3:12 pm

That's why they decided to break up and retreat to their million-dollar post-Apocalyptic bunkers.

BornInATrailer September 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm

After they put the floating Mir target out in the middle of the ocean as a promotion, wouldn't it be hilarious if it landed on an unoccupied Taco Bell location?

pdiddycornchips September 23, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Today, we are all Jihadi's. Or maybe Somali pirates.

SorosBot September 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Considering how much those metals are worth, it might be good luck to have it land on your property as long as it doesn't hit anybody.

Redhead September 23, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Where's a Liv Taylor sex scene (creepily set to a cheesy song by her dad) when you need one?

genxr September 23, 2011 at 2:06 pm

needz moar Steve Buscemi

"Take that, you stupid asteroid!"

BTWBFDIMHO September 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Here in Texas our Governor rejected environmental regulations from socialist EPA, so debris and space trash are always welcome.

DaSandman September 23, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Well it's gonna be the End Times for some damn body…

AlterNewt September 23, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Alt-txt – Video game? I thought it was a Pink Floyd concert.

bagofmice September 23, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Missile Command is a retro reference. What in the hell is a Pink Floyd?

AlterNewt September 23, 2011 at 6:31 pm

It was the style at the time.

proudgrampa September 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

How long have I been telling you: We ARE freakin' doomed.

GorzoTheMighty September 23, 2011 at 2:17 pm

If it hits Texas, it is the Satellite of Love

prommie September 23, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Does that mean we are all going to fall into the sun? Before I go, I have to say, I love you Suzanne.

GorzoTheMighty September 24, 2011 at 8:59 am

Lou? Sweet Jane?

not that Dewey September 24, 2011 at 6:45 pm

I love to watch things on teevee.

CommieLibunatic September 23, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Hey! I know that game and I'm not even 30 yet! And the Game Over screen is horrifying even without the context of it being released in the heart of the Cold War.

johnnyzhivago September 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

10 to 1 odds it falls on an Afghan Wedding….

prommie September 23, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Will the afghans be wearing wigs?

chascates September 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Satellite goes up, satellite comes down. You can't explain it.

smokefilleddoommate September 23, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Yes, but how'd it get there? Who put it there? How'd it get there?

102415 September 23, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Is there a finders fee or do you own it or do you have to give it back or can you sue because it ruined the garage? There has got to be a pony in there somewhere.

HistoriCat September 23, 2011 at 2:55 pm

The pony is that after a few hours of intense questioning maybe they won't throw your ass in jail for possessing government property!

102415 September 23, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Shit! I hate the fucking gubmint!

HistoriCat September 23, 2011 at 4:45 pm

As long as you're white that's OK.

smokefilleddoommate September 23, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I'll be inside playing Missile Command…

HarryButtle September 23, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Inside what? A bomb shelter? 'Cause I don't think your roof is gonna even slow down that friggin' satellite…

crybabyboehner September 23, 2011 at 2:33 pm

This is why Reagan wanted to build Star Wars, but the libruls wouldn't listen.

NYNYNYjr September 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm

It's like a free life-insurance lottery. Who's family is going to get the 'sorry' money. Unless it wipes out the whole family.

jus_wonderin September 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I have my time machine warmed up. So, I plan to spend the weekend on Tuesday and Wednesday. That way I can figure out where it will hit. Then I plan to return to Friday, that would be today, and I will be able to tell all of you where it hit. See you all in a second.

EDIT: Back now. Arkansas.

Nothingisamiss September 23, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Don't get me all excited. If you're not really from the future why…..

proudgrampa September 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Well, my timing is pretty good. I'm in Las Vegas right now. Since we're all gonna die anyway, I might as well call a hooker and order room service.

prommie September 23, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Why not get two?

jus_wonderin September 23, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I picked the wrong day to give up a hookers and order room service.

GOPCrusher September 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Missile Command on the Atari 2600 was epic.

KeepFnThatChicken September 23, 2011 at 2:50 pm

NASA's going to destroy America? HAHAHAHA, a little late, rocket boys.

Radiotherapy® September 23, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Won't Zombie Reagun's Star Warz Missile Defense vaporize the space junk right out of the sky? Oh wait.

SorosBot September 23, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Here's the latest map of the satellite's path:
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/20

So basically, you're safe if you're in East Asia or South America, or near one of the polls; pretty much everywhere else is a potential target though.

Naked_Bunny September 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

At least I won't be killed by frozen airplane poop, maybe.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2011 at 4:31 pm

We are all threatened by these Icy BMs.

antispandex September 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I'm starting a pool to see how long it will be until we hear the first Teapublican say something like, "It's because we are wasting money on entitlements, and not important things like NASA (which could be very helpfull to my district), that the aliens have decided to invade".

Nothingisamiss September 23, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I thought NASA was supposed to be gov't waste that should be handled by smart and honorable corporations.. Wait, that was before Obama.

smitallica September 23, 2011 at 4:24 pm

How long before the righties label this "Obamacrash"?

owhatever September 23, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I shoot rockets up,
And don't care where they come down,
That's not my department,
Says Werner von Braun

Mrs. Bitch September 23, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Rick Perry prayed for rain. Did he specify water?

JackObin September 23, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I'm no doctor (thank gawd), but it seems to me america's blubber will protect it from anything weighing six tons.

crybabyboehner September 23, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Serves you right to suffer …

glamourdammerung September 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm

So do we get a "shout out" if it hits our house?

mrblifil September 23, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Wow I better get started on the indiscriminate group fucking in the streets, or as I like to call it Armageddin' It On!!!

Ruhe September 23, 2011 at 7:07 pm

In their coverage of this event the folks at Fox have inadvertently revealed one of the Trialateral Commission's most closely guarded secrets: there are actually only seven million people on the whole planet.

johnjmccarthy September 23, 2011 at 8:05 pm

OK, men, we have electronically calculated the impact site of the space junk and it will be giving it's last Harrah near the California/Arizona boarder on Interstate 80. There is a possibility of collisions of several hundred pound pieces of space junk that may or may not be contaminated with Uranium elements, some of which are deadly in touch with humans.

ttommyunger September 23, 2011 at 8:13 pm

My God, we're all gonna die! Oooooh, look who's on Dancing With the Stars….

Negropolis September 24, 2011 at 12:27 am

"Ooooo, Squirrel!" syndrome is the worst.

ttommyunger September 24, 2011 at 11:40 am

My dogs have that one, big time ;)

Sassomatic September 23, 2011 at 9:05 pm

No names, but . . .when you wish upon a star . . .

Negropolis September 24, 2011 at 12:01 am

**fingers crossed** Please fall on the Wicked Witch of the North Slope, please fall on the Wicked Witch of the North Slope…

erratic U.S. predator drone

Wait, there are other kinds of predator drones? Adding "erratic" is redundant, right?

not that Dewey September 25, 2011 at 6:46 pm

We will thank you very sweetly, for doing it so neatly.

Negropolis September 25, 2011 at 11:46 pm

If you tinkle when you sprinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seaty.

slowhansolo September 24, 2011 at 1:11 am

I remember that video game. Along with those new-fangled Pizza Huts and Moon Rocks. Nowadays, the best video game is the First-Person Shooter. *wink

GOPCrusher September 23, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Maybe Juana will come forward with the photos of her, the burro, and Rick Perry having sexy time fun and claim the 1 million dollar bounty from Larry Flynt?

Negropolis September 24, 2011 at 12:12 am

"Rick Perry would only marry Juana if she showed him the long-form 'Mur'can birf certificate his dick, first."

Fixed.

Swampgas_Man September 23, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Does Juana love her veggies as much as Kortney?

Pristine_ODummy September 23, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I think Juana just might prefer animals to vegetables.

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