Have you heard about that no-big-deal falling six-ton bus-sized satellite that wasn’t really a risk for the United States? Well, NASA just changed its story, and now the U.S. is in the path of destruction. The satellite will fall out of space in a few hours. It might break up into pieces that mostly slam into the oceans, and it might kill you and everyone you love. Then again, it might kill people you don’t love. So, think of it as your own erratic U.S. predator drone or Angel of Death.
NASA, our nation’s space program without a space program, updated its psychic predictions about the whole “orbital apocalypse” thing:
A satellite whose orbit is degrading will fall back to Earth Friday afternoon, with the United States once again a potential target, NASA said.
The U.S. space agency had been saying for two days that North America would not be not in the strike zone for about 26 pieces of the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS) expected to survive the descent. Those pieces, made of stainless steel, titanium and beryllium that won’t burn, range from about 10 pounds to hundreds of pounds, according to NASA.
And then, NASA put something on Twitter saying, “Eh, maybe it will fall Saturday and not Friday. We have no frickin’ clue.”
So, keep your eyes on the skies! Or don’t, as it won’t really matter one way or the other. What are you going to do, run away from several hundred pounds of red-hot metal shooting out of the sky? Fine, run. It’s never to late to get in shape or whatever! [CNN]
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Oh please, oh please hit Texas…
Dare to dream, dear Bonzo. Dare. To. Dream.
And Cantor can hold up any Federal disaster funds!
Bonzo. He's not holding them up. He's "offsetting" them, so he can defund projects on a purely partisan basis.
They are hoping it hits the NLRB.
He is a True Patriot!
That was my first thought . With half the state on fire, if the satellite dropped on the office of the Southern Baptist Convention, do think the fundamentards would finally get how damned they are?
I'm sure they would interpret it as a sign from Jehovah that they're not hating queers and women enough and need to ramp up their efforts.
Somebody paint the Texas Capitol.
The Texas capitol is empty 95% of the time … they only get together every other year, to compare oil company payoffs and decide who's getting screwed for the next two years. (Heads, it's teachers, tails, it's Messicans.)
I'm hoping for Colorado Springs myself; but really any megachurch would do.
Well, as long as it misses our fellow Wonketeers, like Texan Bulldogette.
But not Austin. And please wait till Rick Perry's back, and then try to hit the exact spot he's standing on.
I don't know, I kind of like the idea of it crashing into the Westboro Baptist Church people while they're all having an orgy and then jacking itself off back into space with all those idiots on board and blows up again and again and again….fireworks for all!
I like the way you think. Pity we can't have Perry visiting Westboro when it all takes place.
Destroy USA Today
Like anybody actually reads that…
I have been known to read it, there's normally a copy in the departure lounge when I'm waiting for a plane.
Or when you stay in a mid-range hotel, along with the free breakfast buffet. Does anyone actually buy it?
And yet, it's the most widely read "paper" in America. sigh
They have to keep printing more and more copies, because Sarah keeps reading all of them, Katie.
If we start a petition at the White House, can we decide who it falls on?
Can we decide to have weed fall to earth instead?
Mannajuana from heaven?
Moonajuana from the moon! FUND NASA.
Rick Perry Wanna Manna
Rick Perry would only marry Juana if she showed him the long-form 'Mur'can birf certificate first.
If we make a list and send it to Santa marked "Urgent," maybe he'll make early, unscheduled deliveries.
Can we quickly schedule another one of those GOP debate thingies? Maybe in a strategic location?
Doesn't the gawd awful CPAC start today? I think it's in America's dingus™.
Good.
I, for one welcome our new cosmic debris random death dealing overlords. All hail the cruel and whimsical space junk masters!
Skynet. I'm just sayin'.
If USA Today was destroyed, how would they know?
Marty Katz http://washingtonphotographer.com
Which is harder? Winning the lottery or getting hit by a satellite?
True story. One day I was cruising around Atlanta and I got hit by a Georgia Satellite.
Don't give me no lines, and keep your hands to yourself.
Guess we're about to find out. When do we start counting noses at Wonketz?
Destroy USA
Get 'er done before Perry is elected and does it himself…
The third Texas comment, including my reply. I hope the Texican wonkeratti aren't getting their feelings hurt. On the other hand, at least it isn't OK that's being trashed. Boomer Sooner!
In fact NASA took the prevailing Oklahoma suckitude into account as affecting the otherwise-ballistic trajectory.
With Dan Beebe getting fired as Big 12 Commish, the Red River Shootout this year will involve real blood-letting.
Aim for the Blimp!!!
Chris Christie?
Limbaugh isn't hiding in Puerto Rico, isn't he ?
If the satellite destroys USA Today then where will Americans get their useless pie charts?
you beat me by *that* much..
Mmmmm, piiiiiiie.
Given the people I dislike vastly outnumber the folks in my "like" group, I'd say the odds are looking pretty sweet right about now.
Me, too. Here in rural OK, the satellite only has to miss a dozen or so people to be A-OK with me.
Really, just about anywhere in ten southern states would suit me.
Great! I'm sure it doesn't have proper entry permission. Another illegal immigrant come to fuck things up. [spit] Secure the border!
Build the dang roof!
If the satellite destroys "USA Today", what pablum will Marriott deposit at their hotels' room doors every morning "with our compliments"? Maybe something more accurate, like the National Enquirer.
Mother Jones? I like to get the International Herald tribune, are they still killing trees?
Alt Text WIN.
Shit, now we know what Ken does when he is not trying to scare the Wonketters….
Thought he was into Pong.
Ken needz less Pong, more Bong.
Build the damn fence!
In the sky!
Thanks for the heads up.
[smearing goat's blood on front door]
Somehow, Rick Santorum will blame this on the gays.
If Pat Robertson doesn't beat him to it.
Bristol Palin blames it on the gay.
My friend, Chicken Little, says "bawk"
I doubt that it will hit Wasilla. I mean, what are the odds that Sarah could be hit by chunks of space debris after having that house fall on her sister?
She wants those shoes I'll bet.
Does Sarah Palin™ still have her surveyor's marks plastered all over America?
If it hits anything Repubicans like, it's because the Socialist Kenyan does not share our values. If it hits anything Demoncrats like, it's God's will (as expressed through the laws of physics and probability).
Stuff like this wouldn't happen if the states ran the space program. Or if people could just keep all their income under Michele Bachmann's 0-0-0 tax plan.
Bachmann's 0-0-0 tax plan, in which we still give some money "back to" the government. Cause we have to run the government, you know.
I just got hit with something heavy, but it may have been dried santorum from Marcus Bachmann's ass. Don't ask how that happened.
If all the hippies back in the '60s had ignored science we wouldn't have had any satellites up in space to begin with.
Chalk up another point for creationism.
One more reason to move to Canada.
Afraid parts of Canada (and every other country) may not be immune: http://www.heavens-above.com/orbit.aspx?satid=217...
It's a good thing Rascals can only go about 5 MPH.
Goldamn. The usurper nigra in the the white house has turned this whole goldarned country to sheeeit. Falling bridges, unpaved roads and collapsin' satlites. S'all his fawlt.
Taxed Enough Already. Goldamn.
What a pity — businesses were all set to do some hiring today, and then Obama's NASA injected so much uncertainty about where and when the satellite was going to land that they've decided to bag it. How much longer is our president going to keep destroying this economy?!
The Republican plan would repeal NASA's authority to hurl satellites from space at poor unsuspecting American corporations.
My money's on Texas. Because being hit with space junk is the only disaster they haven't had yet this year.
Perry better gather a stadium full of people to pray away the debris. The strategy is bound to work sooner or later!
We only need a volcanic eruption and an asteroid strike, here in NJ, to make the disaster perfecta.
Locusts. We haven't had locusts yet, either.
What will I win?!
If it hits me, I should at least expect a state-paid funeral.
I hope it does hit USA Today,,,,fucking rag ruined the newspaper business!
And former Mother Gannett bot runs the AP!
FACT CHECK OBAMA
So here in C'Addle the forecast is partly cloudy with a chance of titanium showers?
Completely cloudy, here, so I won't see the space junk coming. I should probably hurry up and go bang MisterBarry and eat something fattening, just in case.
Advance planning like this is something we can all support.
According to Tom Robbins, the Seattle sky usually resembles "cottage cheese that had been dragged nine miles behind a cement truck." So today, just a bit lumpier.
Maybe the space junk will hit one of the many Spanky2b accounts. (Asshole has all of them check my junk every day…)
Just put a friendly face on your junk, just cuz. Wait, that sounds dirty. Oh, well.
I just means you are special to her. Me too I'm afraid. Nobody else pays that much attention to me. I love you too Miz Spankykins!
Didn't we get that Star Wars Missile Shield partially deployed during the 'cut taxes and spend like drunken sailors, on missiles' George W. Bush administration? Why don't they just point it at the satellite, and keep us all safe. You know, like "George W. Bush Kept America Safe®".
I thought it was Reagan who paid for the imaginary secret invisible shield that was pretend?
What was the name of that earth-orbiting butt-sexer again– UPper Atmosphere Research SatEllite?
Like most of you, I read the headline, assumed they meant the newspaper, and felt a little better about the world.
Now that I read the article? Not so much.
NASA says that the chances of any particular person being hit by satellite debris is 1 in 21 trillion. Since there are about 7 billion of us, though, that raises the odds to 1 in 3200 that somebody will be hit.
By my rough calculations, that means that the chances that person would be American are less than 1 in 20, but it's 50-50 that the person hit would be an asshole.
90-10.
Ken does this mean it's too late to see about a redux of last fall's wonketteer gathering?
or… now that I think about it.. that was predicated by the availability of a rounded-out stable of ed/mod's to coordinate: the Wonkabout™, the Mourning in America©
correspondent, the AM/PM contributors. Damn. It *already* feels like post-satellite impact devastation round here. Oh well. Nice knowing y'all! (checks watch).. How soon to start drinking to this long kiss goodnight, forever?
Oh, shit, I have to put up plastic and duct tape on the windows again?
You mean you took yours down?
They ended the color code system and I got confused.
Doesn't it look like a Dinner Plate now?
Hehe
They still have the colored code system in effect in the red states.
Actually it's raining like hell here. I will be in all weekend and batshit crazy by next Thursday when it's supposed to stop. I apologize in advance.
Bachmann/102415/2012!
By early Sunday morning God will indeed ask me to run and I will just have to think it over until I am more soberish. Meanwhile please paypal me some Amerios to show your support.
Cool. I'll take any excuse to play a track from Devo's first album.
SPACE JUNK!
she was walking all alone
down the street in the alley
her name was sally
she never saw it
when she was hit by . . .
No worries. As long as we're near a Dungeon Master, we're one twenty-sided-die roll from safety.
If only Texas had a WET hot American summer.
I haven't been this scared since Y2K.
Well, we've had a pretty good run.
Now they are shoving Space Junk down our throats.
"A satellite whose orbit is degrading . . . "
Isn't just about every g.d. thing on earth nowadays?
Run from the airborne debris event and get healthy to boot? Is the first lady behind this whole thing?
space junkz godz need to ask Stephen Hill who should be smoted by the spacey saltpeter- oh, and add Ann Coulter for good measure.
Ann Coulter is too skinny, it will miss her.
But Gov. Christy or Limbaugh are good targets.
Stephen Hill? Is he changing his show from 'Hearts of Space' to 'Parts from Space'?
I hope this is the last time they buy an ACME satellite.
Wile E. Coyote endorsement or no.
I’ve learned from the TeeVee that umbrellas won’t be of any use in this kind of situation.
My tinfoil helmet gives me 0.00000000001 seconds of early warning, however.
But remember – if you're running away from the falling satellite, and you don't feel ground under your feet anymore, Don't Look Down!
are you supposed to run uphill or downhill from falling satellites? I always get that confused.
It might have stayed in orbit, if it wasn't attached to an anvil.
Well, I've been checking out the window all day and I haven't seen anything co
Don't despair, help is on the wa
I'm Tim Pawlenty, and I'm here to savZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
So a tiny piece hit the enter key on your keyboard?
OK, fine, it's about as true as keyboards getting ruined by mouth-shot coffee, but as long as it keeps my p-ness happy, wtf?
Anyone wanna go to my prayer rally? I'm praying for Rush Limbaugh's house.
Well, hell, if prayer doesn't work and the satellite misses Rush's place, can we set it on fire?
It's always good to have a Plan B.
I'll pray if there is food.
Hold it at Rush's house – there's bound to be food.
Or at least "food".
Tricky! but you won't catch me anywhere near that assteriod. The gravity!
I am saying it here, right now…if the satellite of love takes out Rush AND his house, I will give up my current life and join a religious order devoting my life to service.
Why would you want to damage his house?
Damn it, Layne changed the headline to something less confusing!
I was wondering why so many people were making jokes about USA Today.
That's a 300 lb load offa my mind.
Somewhere, a lonely farm kid is begging his uncle to let him transmit his application to the academy THIS year. Little does he know that just above the atmosphere…
Whiny little bastard. Hope he gets bulls-eyed like a womp rat.
You should flesh that out into a story. Maybe add a princess, a rogue, and some wacky sidekicks. Me, I'd include a naked furry or two, but that'll never sell mainstream.
that'll never sell mainstream.
I find your lack of faith … disturbing.
I don't know, I found the observation most impressive.
Thank Saint Reagan we've spent $100+ billion dollars on a missile defense project capable of taking out a dangerous threat like this.
"destroy what's left of America".
/fixed.
I have decided to walk through life like Tom Sizemore's character in Black Hawk Down. You never see the one with your name on it anyway…
You will meet your fate on the path you took to avoid it.
If you meet the Buddha on the road, why don't we do it in the road?
he he
and I've decided to walk though life like Tom Sizemore's character in Celebrity Rehab.
Smoldering piles of junk? Best aim for W Virginia.
This could be our last day on earth! Its time to end it all with a bang, bring on the hedonistic end-times orgy, sex with random strangers, go out with your boots on, as it were, like in On The Beach. LimeyLizzie, you said I had a shot, we may not be alive tomorrow…
OK, not Limey, anyone? Anyone at all? I gave up having standards long ago. . . . .
Jesus, NASA, that's a pretty understated "Fore!"
Great alt text. Or however you guys spell it. I have an iMac, so I just scroll over it.
Who knew the satellite + our managing editor could supply such yucks. Meanwhile, please join me in intercessional prayer that it takes out a hate radio star–any old Sean O'Rushbeck will do– mid-rant.
That R.E.M. So prescient! Wait, what?
Greatest. Song. Ever.
Evah! (banging head around)
That's why they decided to break up and retreat to their million-dollar post-Apocalyptic bunkers.
After they put the floating Mir target out in the middle of the ocean as a promotion, wouldn't it be hilarious if it landed on an unoccupied Taco Bell location?
Today, we are all Jihadi's. Or maybe Somali pirates.
Considering how much those metals are worth, it might be good luck to have it land on your property as long as it doesn't hit anybody.
Where's a Liv Taylor sex scene (creepily set to a cheesy song by her dad) when you need one?
needz moar Steve Buscemi
"Take that, you stupid asteroid!"
Here in Texas our Governor rejected environmental regulations from socialist EPA, so debris and space trash are always welcome.
Well it's gonna be the End Times for some damn body…
Alt-txt – Video game? I thought it was a Pink Floyd concert.
Missile Command is a retro reference. What in the hell is a Pink Floyd?
It was the style at the time.
How long have I been telling you: We ARE freakin' doomed.
If it hits Texas, it is the Satellite of Love
Does that mean we are all going to fall into the sun? Before I go, I have to say, I love you Suzanne.
Lou? Sweet Jane?
I love to watch things on teevee.
Hey! I know that game and I'm not even 30 yet! And the Game Over screen is horrifying even without the context of it being released in the heart of the Cold War.
10 to 1 odds it falls on an Afghan Wedding….
Will the afghans be wearing wigs?
Satellite goes up, satellite comes down. You can't explain it.
Yes, but how'd it get there? Who put it there? How'd it get there?
Is there a finders fee or do you own it or do you have to give it back or can you sue because it ruined the garage? There has got to be a pony in there somewhere.
The pony is that after a few hours of intense questioning maybe they won't throw your ass in jail for possessing government property!
Shit! I hate the fucking gubmint!
As long as you're white that's OK.
I'll be inside playing Missile Command…
Inside what? A bomb shelter? 'Cause I don't think your roof is gonna even slow down that friggin' satellite…
This is why Reagan wanted to build Star Wars, but the libruls wouldn't listen.
It's like a free life-insurance lottery. Who's family is going to get the 'sorry' money. Unless it wipes out the whole family.
I have my time machine warmed up. So, I plan to spend the weekend on Tuesday and Wednesday. That way I can figure out where it will hit. Then I plan to return to Friday, that would be today, and I will be able to tell all of you where it hit. See you all in a second.
EDIT: Back now. Arkansas.
Don't get me all excited. If you're not really from the future why…..
Well, my timing is pretty good. I'm in Las Vegas right now. Since we're all gonna die anyway, I might as well call a hooker and order room service.
Why not get two?
I picked the wrong day to give up a hookers and order room service.
Missile Command on the Atari 2600 was epic.
NASA's going to destroy America? HAHAHAHA, a little late, rocket boys.
Won't Zombie Reagun's Star Warz Missile Defense vaporize the space junk right out of the sky? Oh wait.
Here's the latest map of the satellite's path:
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/20...
So basically, you're safe if you're in East Asia or South America, or near one of the polls; pretty much everywhere else is a potential target though.
At least I won't be killed by frozen airplane poop, maybe.
We are all threatened by these Icy BMs.
I'm starting a pool to see how long it will be until we hear the first Teapublican say something like, "It's because we are wasting money on entitlements, and not important things like NASA (which could be very helpfull to my district), that the aliens have decided to invade".
I thought NASA was supposed to be gov't waste that should be handled by smart and honorable corporations.. Wait, that was before Obama.
How long before the righties label this "Obamacrash"?
I shoot rockets up,
And don't care where they come down,
That's not my department,
Says Werner von Braun
Rick Perry prayed for rain. Did he specify water?
I'm no doctor (thank gawd), but it seems to me america's blubber will protect it from anything weighing six tons.
Serves you right to suffer …
So do we get a "shout out" if it hits our house?
Wow I better get started on the indiscriminate group fucking in the streets, or as I like to call it Armageddin' It On!!!
In their coverage of this event the folks at Fox have inadvertently revealed one of the Trialateral Commission's most closely guarded secrets: there are actually only seven million people on the whole planet.
OK, men, we have electronically calculated the impact site of the space junk and it will be giving it's last Harrah near the California/Arizona boarder on Interstate 80. There is a possibility of collisions of several hundred pound pieces of space junk that may or may not be contaminated with Uranium elements, some of which are deadly in touch with humans.
My God, we're all gonna die! Oooooh, look who's on Dancing With the Stars….
"Ooooo, Squirrel!" syndrome is the worst.
My dogs have that one, big time
No names, but . . .when you wish upon a star . . .
**fingers crossed** Please fall on the Wicked Witch of the North Slope, please fall on the Wicked Witch of the North Slope…
Wait, there are other kinds of predator drones? Adding "erratic" is redundant, right?
We will thank you very sweetly, for doing it so neatly.
If you tinkle when you sprinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seaty.
I remember that video game. Along with those new-fangled Pizza Huts and Moon Rocks. Nowadays, the best video game is the First-Person Shooter. *wink
Maybe Juana will come forward with the photos of her, the burro, and Rick Perry having sexy time fun and claim the 1 million dollar bounty from Larry Flynt?
"Rick Perry would only marry Juana if she showed him
the long-form 'Mur'can birf certificatehis dick, first."Fixed.
Does Juana love her veggies as much as Kortney?
I think Juana just might prefer animals to vegetables.
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