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How about a petition for mandatory marijuana use? That's the one we'd like to see.America’s potheads are (ironically?) the only citizens motivated enough to go to the White House’s gimmicky, half-assed new “We the People” petitions website and type up their solemn demands for the President to let the harmless weed-lovers live in peace instead of in filthy state prisons, which enough other potheads and paultards then signed to make this the first petition to reach the required number of supporters the White House set as a bar for promising to give an official response. The White House pretty much launched the project noting that they would not actually pay any attention to proposals they didn’t like, and we bet they won’t like this one, so all in all it is a fairly accurate parable to explain to the children about “how government works.”

The Hill reports:

The first proposal to reach that limit asks, “Isn’t it time to legalize and regulate marijuana in a manner similar to alcohol? If not, please explain why you feel that the continued criminalization of cannabis will achieve the results in the future that it has never achieved in the past?”

Currently, the fourth and sixth most popular petitions on the site also advocate legalizing marijuana.

The seventh most popular petition, with 390 signatures, urges the president “to formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race.” The petition claims hundreds of witnesses have testified to the existence of aliens visiting Earth.

The American economy is a plunging meteorite disintegrating in flames by the second, poverty is at its highest levels in decades, faith in Congress is at an all-time low, but the American people still have enough of a sense of humor to complain to the President about weed and aliens when he asks their opinions. Maybe there’s hope. [The Hill]

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  • The WH needs a Paultard filter for these kinds of petitions.

    • mrpuma2u

      I love/am deeply saddened by how the petition to force the government to acknowledge contact with aliens has more signatures than the one that advocates help for the mortgage/foreclosure crisis.
      Screw those schlubs getting evicted by Chase and BOA-constrictor banks, open up Area 51 to us nerds.

      • PalinzADummy

        Priorities, my man, priorities. When the aliens arrive to wreak their revenge for the secrets of Area 51, your mortgage won't matter, see? Potheads and Paultards — always thinking ahead.

  • OneDollarJuana

    You know, if the feds just legalized pot, we might forget all about their fucked-up governing.

    • genxr

      Smaller gubmint! Tax cuts! Throw the bums out!

      *puff*

      Oh, sorry, I was taking life seriously. My bad.

  • MARCdMan

    Sense of humor, right…..

  • Scottsdalian

    Balance the budget. Legalize marijuana.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Why do you want to balance the budget on the backs of potheads!?

      • chicken_thief

        CLASS WARFARE!! Stop attacking our great nations job avoiders!!!!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Balance the legalize. Budget marijuana.

      Wait… what?

      • PalinzADummy

        That would work, too.

    • mrpuma2u

      I smoke 2 joints in the mornin… wait I will have to go to work high? How sucky will that be? Fine legalize it, but if you do I am done wakin' and bakin'. What a buzzkill.

  • Seem to recall roughly 400 Wonketteers predicting this very outcome, back when this sham was first floated…

    • Tommmcattt

      Oddly co-incidental, don't you think?

      I wonder if the same co-incidence might occur if someone were to propose, say, mandatory truck nutz legislation…

      • HistoriCat

        You mean no one has proposed mandatory truck nutz yet? What is this country coming to?

        • GOPCrusher

          Shouldn't truck nutz be more of a lifestyle choice, rather than mandatory. I don't want anyone trying to cram their truck nutz down my throat.

          • bagofmice

            That's what the Hemi is for.

          • PalinzADummy

            That's "ram." Obvs, you're not paying attenshun to yor talkin' points.

  • Moonbatting Average

    For weed to be legalized, Libertarians would have to have WAY more political power than I am comfortable with

    • But the chaos and anarchy would be like a dreamy movie. Fuck it. Fuck the ammo. I didn't really want to kill those cracker-ass neighbors anyway, yeah, the ones lobbing flame at the house. CHECK THAT SHIT OUT. Whoa. Hey, pass the Red Stripe.

  • Barb

    I, for one, welcome our weed-smoking, alien overlords. Hey Cheech, ya holdin'?

    • Negropolis

      Don't blame me; I voted for Kodos.

      Kodos/Kang 2012!

      • tessiee

        Forward, not backward!
        Upward, not forward!
        And always twirling…
        twirling…
        twirling toward freedom!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Meanwhile, in the other Washington, very earnest progressive legislators are are very earnestly and progressively supporting a bill to legalize and tax that shit.

    • chicken_thief

      There exists a Washington in which legislators actually legislate? GTFO!!!

      • horsedreamer_1

        This is Bad News for Dino Rossi.

    • Isyaignert

      Yes there does! Yes we cannabis! I've collected many signatures for I-502.

      • PalinzADummy

        Good on ya!

  • Ohforcripessake

    An alien with weed is a friend indeed!

  • Come here a minute

    If this proposal is enacted, it may help "We the People" by getting our "political humor" writers to stop reminding us about how the country is going to shit all the time and just mellow out a little.

  • sezme

    Free the Cheetos, man!

  • prommie

    Hey, man, George Washington grew hemp! The founding fathers were all stoners, man, they were hitting the burbulator all the time. I heard about it all in a documentary by the Firesign Theater.

    • Steverino247

      That was when, uh, Clem, visited the President, right?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Isn’t it time to legalize and regulate marijuana in a manner similar to alcohol

    Fuck no. It is time to treat it like aspirin.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      But bammer give me a headache, mon, not make de headache go 'way.

  • The White House pretty much launched the project noting that they would not actually pay any attention to proposals they didn’t like…

    Dear White House,

    Please continue Bush's policies re: the Departments of the Interior and Justice. Find new places to blow up brown people with killer robots. Continue sucking up to America's corporations and doing little to nothing for the average loser.

    And pretend it's all because the Republicans made you do it.

    Hugs and Kisses,
    ittdgy™³²®©

    P.S. Here it is.
    ~

  • chascates

    It may be the weed that causes the alien sightings. Legalize it and we may find out.

  • prommie

    To be serious, the other petition, the one about the aliens, that one is a great idea. Right now, nothing can save us from cannibal anarchy but a deus ex machina, and the best hope I have is for some super-advanced, benevolent aliens to send us the recipes for cold fusion and eternal life.

    • poncho_pilot

      To Serve Man? it's a best seller on the Kanamits' home world.

    • mrpuma2u

      Look on the bright side, in post-apocalyptic distopian future, there would be no big brother left to bust you for toking up.

    • bagofmice

      There's always Deus Ex. Wait….

    • Negropolis

      I take the Steven Hawking view of things. There is little reason to believe that they'll be benevolent. This thing we live on is nothing more than a ball of material resources to be exploited. The human population serves little moral purpose, and would probably be an impediment to them. The only purpose we'd serve is probably as medical experiments; we'd be too fucking dumb for a people advanced enough that has figured out how to find to be worth much else.

  • SexySmurf

    The seventh most popular petition, with 390 signatures, urges the president “to formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race.”

    I'm starting a petition to name Jennifer Love Hewitt secretary of the Department of Ghost Whispering.

    • chicken_thief

      If that gains any traction I'll propose that every Friday all the Dept heads participate in a wet t-shirt contest. For morale, you know.

      • Negropolis

        Also, on a trampoline.

  • smashaduck

    I'm impressed. I forgot all about "We the People" ten minutes after I read the story. I'd cut down but then I may remember the country is fucked and then I'd….oooh a puppy!!!

  • genxr

    As long as we're asking the white house for stuff, can we reprogram those flying robots to deliver weed, while blasting pink floyd through a killer sound system?

    Hey you, Whitehouse
    Ha ha… charade you are.

    • prommie

      Remember when Cartman used to say "ha ha charade you are" to people? Those were the days, man, those were good times.

    • mrpuma2u

      You get a thumbs up for posting "Animals" lyrics.

  • poncho_pilot

    but if you legalize weed who knows where that will lead us…people smoking flowers, people smoking Labrador, people smoking people, people smoking communism…

    • Chichikovovich

      Pffff…. Love that Labrador, man. It means "The arm of gold" man, 'cause that stuff makes your arm feel like gold. Yeah, I know, man. I was freaked when I learned that too. Pffft….

      • poncho_pilot

        that explains the Libertarian/Weed Smoker/Gold Standard connection!

  • toomtabard

    "Maybe there's hope" was the final line in the X-Files TV series. You're welcome.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Wow….someone actually made it all the way to the last episode?

  • prommie

    Was this by any chance petition number 420?

  • Schmannnity

    The first, fourth, and sixth most popular petitions advocate legalization? Did the people signing the fourth and sixth forget they already signed the first?

    • Scottsdalian

      It happens.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Hey Perry-Gas, grass or ass-nobody rides for free. Oh. Wait. Put your pants back on.

  • charlesdegoal

    Kirsten, your first sentence could only have been written under the influence of weed. But I agree that aliens should be legalized.

  • An_Outhouse

    The American economy is a plunging meteorite disintegrating in flames by the second, poverty is at its highest levels in decades, faith in Congress is at an all-time low

    Legalizing weed seems like the only logical thing to do at this point. Maybe heroin too.

    • prommie

      Only for snorting. On weekends, only for snorting on weekends.

  • edgydrifter

    Yes, it certainly is laughable to ask the government to stop throwing people in jail for doing something that is common, private and reasonably harmless. Hardy-har-har.

    • ChuckieJesus

      Having the highest number of incarcerated people, a good portion of them for nonviolent offenses such as smoking pot, and wanting to stop that source of wasteful spending? The very soul of hilarity! The warden lobby will have a fit!

  • Disappointing…

    My proposal to resettle all Republicans in the Amazon is getting zero traction.

    • HarryButtle

      We can't turn them loose in the Amazon, it'd be an environmental disaster. Maybe we could launch them into the sun?

  • Anyone want to propose laying off 20% of Congress and half the senators?

    • Scottsdalian

      Be just our luck the Dems would be 'let go'.

  • V572 Moon!

    That's nothing. Newt's got a site where you can suggest your own executive orders for him to issue in his first day in office
    http://www.newt.org/first-day

    O, the fun we'll have…

    • BarackMyWorld

      The 4 listed he's already in favor of are pretty hillarious already.

      • mumbly_joe

        #4 is pretty epic: every nation has a right to designate their own capital, and the US should respect that. Even if a country, just 4TEHLULZ, decides to designate a outside of the territory they lawfully control as their new capital.

        I should suggest that "President Newt" make a first-day executive order declaring Ottawa, Canada to be the new capital of the United States.

        • What's great about that one is Newt specifically mentions that Israel is the only country right now the US discriminates against in this regard because we still keep our embassy in Tel Aviv even though the Israeli people have designated Jerusalem as the capital. That designation is actually symbolic and meant as a poke in the eye to the Palestinians, and Jerusalem's "Final Status" has been on the list of issues that must be resolved in any Palestinian statehood agreement since, oh, forever. In practical terms, Israel's government is still headquartered in Tel Aviv, so it makes sense our embassy would be there. Probably every other country with an embassy in Israel is in Tel Aviv as well. But sure, let's inflame the Middle East more by essentially giving the Palestinians one more giant "Fuck you" on their dream of statehood.

          • V572 Moon!

            My suggestion (that President Newt remove himself from office and elevate vice president Santorum to the position [submitted asRick Santorum, natch]) was not found worthy of a posting on the sidebar.

            But yes, fuck you Palestinians, why not. Jon Stewart suggests they might get more favorable consideration of they renamed the country "Palestein."

        • horsedreamer_1

          This is more likely to result in Bangkok being declared capital. Being a Congressman could then officially become a working vacation.*

          *Sex tourism.

    • bagofmice

      Executive Order 138: We are 138.

  • Mandatory 420 breaks for everyone.

  • An_Outhouse

    A whitehouse.gov account is required to sign Petitions.

    Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. Just email me the court summons now that I've incriminated myself.

    • Terry

      Just don't post a petition that calls for everyone to meet in Lafayette Square and start climbing over the WH fence.

  • hagajim

    Pot is economic development…if it was legal think of all the jobs it would create, growing, distribution, retail, etc…..we might all be too high to do any of those jobs, but when you can't eat why not get high?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Well we should wait until universal healthcare kicks in then, because emergency rooms will be filled with potheads who didn't have any food who tried to chew their arms off when they got the munchies.

  • chicken_thief

    Goddamnit!!! Just when my stock in private prisons was starting to take off….

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Browncoats need to start a petition to bring Firefly back.

    • BornInATrailer

      I think there might be a fair amount of crossover between the groups.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        I didn't want to presume…

  • widestanceshakedown

    Dope/Change 2012!

    Today we are all Lucky Pierre.

  • Nostrildamus

    Hope the official WH response comes from staffers yelling stuff from the top of that bus.

  • SorosBot

    If only the potheads would bother to vote in actual elections, when it matters, like that initiative in California last year, they might actually be able to get legalization as a real possibility. But that would involve getting off their couches.

    • mumbly_joe

      To be fair, we might still be able to motivate them, if we can get polling places to offer free pizza.

      • genxr

        And if you could register through a PS3 or XBox.

  • mumbly_joe

    If paultards are involved, I can also only assume that the rest of the top ten rounded out with calls to End the Fed and Return to a 'Sound Money' Gold Standard (PROTIP, lunatics: if you want to sound less insane, don't put your own misleading catchphrases in scare-quotes).

    Because if there's one thing the economy needs, it's a return to 19th-century conceptions of money, with a corresponding return to the feel-good-times sorts of bank panics we used to have, every couple of years

  • Terry

    Dear Potheads,

    Your mothers have asked that marijuana not be legalized. You see, they're afraid that if pot is legal that you'll spend even MORE of your time laying around and eating junk food. Face it. You are shiftless enough as it is and the pot you smoke now has already shaved an IQ point or two off your total. Your mothers don't want to you lose even more ground socially, intellectually, and in terms of career progress. In fact, your mothers would appreciate it if you'd turn off the Cartoon Network, put down the snacks, and go out and look for a job with long term prospects for advancement.

    Sincerely,

    Everyone else who isn't a pothead

    • mrbubb

      Dear person who is not a pothead,

      Go Fuck Yourself.

      Love,

      Potheads

      • Terry

        Case in point.

        • mrbubb

          Pot use does not correlate with decreased intelligence, or even laziness, any more than alcohol use, crocheting, or zealous moralising. You say you're "one heck of an old broad," you should be old enough to know this. Grow up.

          • Terry

            Occasional or moderate use does not correlate. Heavy use, in other words potheads, does. The question is whether lazy people tend to become potheads or does the pot make them shiftless.

          • rocktonsam

            this is an interesting debate.
            what are talking about?

    • HarryButtle

      A job with long term prospects for advancement? In Murica? Bud, that's too far out for even us potheads to believe in…so the question becomes, WTF are YOU smoking?

      • Terry

        Good point on the advancement issue, but a mother can always hope

    • Negropolis

      You done gone and really fucked up, now. But, you are more conservative than most of us.

      • Terry

        Honestly, I just think that being a chronic pot user* is of stupid. I don't get the point. I've known potheads for decades, it seems to suck the motivation right out of you. They're not mean, not violent, not rapidly destroying their bodies. All they do is smoke, sit around doing nothing much other than vegging out, giggling, or eating, and then go out and find more pot. Once in a while, whatever. But why live like that a large percentage of your time? No, pot isn't the life and health destroyer that other drugs are. It is for sure, for chronic users, a life waster, though. Silent Bob and Jay are funny because there's some truth in them.

        * – again, not the many people who are occasional users

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Even conceding your points, how does pot being a Schedule 1 narcotic help matters?

          • Terry

            It doesn't and I didn't say it should be. Pot is about the same as liquor in a lot of ways. Lots of people can use it with no issues, some people can't. I tried to be funny in that first post and it didn't go over so well. Lol. I don't feel strongly either way about the legalization of pot, but think the sentencing on it is ridiculous. I do, however, feel that pot sucks the motivation our of heavy users and as a group they seem to have sacrificed an IQ point or two.

            I don't think pot will be legalized for a generation, until an older generation moves out of politics AND until the legalization gets some more mainstream acceptable advocates. Who is openly calling for it now? Paultards, folks who look like burnouts, and a number of celebrities such Woody Harrelson and Bill Mahr. Willie Nelson certainly uses, but I don't know if he's advocated for it.

    • tessiee

      "go out and look for a job with long term prospects for advancement."

      Yeah, good luck with that.

  • Obama's not here, man.

  • littlebigdaddy

    You know what *else* happened on 4/20?

    • not that Dewey

      The FBI found David Koresh's stash?

  • not that Dewey

    Let's do Bill Hicks's proposal that the US government use cruise missile (now UAV) technology to shoot food at hungry people.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3trp5MkEhM (skip to 1:40)

    EDIT: of course, we'd have to get stoned, first. Goes without saying.

  • antispandex

    The killer weed is is only loosely regulated in Alaska, and it hasn't done much good. You know, judging by their choice for Governor, past and present. Maybe it really does make you stupid.

  • GregComlish

    WHEN WILL OBAMA CHOP OFF HIS OWN BALLS, PAINT THEM ORANGE AND GIVE THEM TO BOEHNER AS CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENTS FOR BIPARTISANSHIP???

  • rocktonsam

    not sure if POT will be the job creator you might think

  • ttommyunger

    Legalized? Shit, I think it's use ought to be REQUIRED for every Member of Congress at the beginning of each session. These dickwads need to mellow out, big-time.

    • The Insight-Stupid Ratio is much in their favor.

      • ttommyunger

        I have noticed Rightards seem lacking in insight, humor (unless someone is being hurt or belittled), irony and hypocrisy. Other than that, they're normal.

  • Negropolis

    The Feds have been uncomfortably active here in Michigan concerning our medical marijuana act. I, for one, don't think this is a much of a joke. The shit they are getting away with, here, is getting kind of scary. I don't use the stuff, but a lot of good people have been raided and carted off on trumped up charges, and since the state is now Republican controlled, it's gotten even worse.

    Obama's DOJ is actually worse than Bush's was when it concerns our law, here. Literally, the day after the Michigan Court of Appeals ruled most of the state's hundreds of dispensaries illegal, curiously, the Feds came into Ann Arbor kicking down doors and shit. They are definitely coordinating and spying.

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