America’s potheads are (ironically?) the only citizens motivated enough to go to the White House’s gimmicky, half-assed new “We the People” petitions website and type up their solemn demands for the President to let the harmless weed-lovers live in peace instead of in filthy state prisons, which enough other potheads and paultards then signed to make this the first petition to reach the required number of supporters the White House set as a bar for promising to give an official response. The White House pretty much launched the project noting that they would not actually pay any attention to proposals they didn’t like, and we bet they won’t like this one, so all in all it is a fairly accurate parable to explain to the children about “how government works.”
The Hill reports:
The first proposal to reach that limit asks, “Isn’t it time to legalize and regulate marijuana in a manner similar to alcohol? If not, please explain why you feel that the continued criminalization of cannabis will achieve the results in the future that it has never achieved in the past?”
Currently, the fourth and sixth most popular petitions on the site also advocate legalizing marijuana.
The seventh most popular petition, with 390 signatures, urges the president “to formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race.” The petition claims hundreds of witnesses have testified to the existence of aliens visiting Earth.
The American economy is a plunging meteorite disintegrating in flames by the second, poverty is at its highest levels in decades, faith in Congress is at an all-time low, but the American people still have enough of a sense of humor to complain to the President about weed and aliens when he asks their opinions. Maybe there’s hope. [The Hill]
{ 113 comments }
The WH needs a Paultard filter for these kinds of petitions.
I love/am deeply saddened by how the petition to force the government to acknowledge contact with aliens has more signatures than the one that advocates help for the mortgage/foreclosure crisis.
Screw those schlubs getting evicted by Chase and BOA-constrictor banks, open up Area 51 to us nerds.
Priorities, my man, priorities. When the aliens arrive to wreak their revenge for the secrets of Area 51, your mortgage won't matter, see? Potheads and Paultards — always thinking ahead.
You know, if the feds just legalized pot, we might forget all about their fucked-up governing.
Smaller gubmint! Tax cuts! Throw the bums out!
*puff*
Oh, sorry, I was taking life seriously. My bad.
Sense of humor, right…..
Balance the budget. Legalize marijuana.
Why do you want to balance the budget on the backs of potheads!?
CLASS WARFARE!! Stop attacking our great nations job avoiders!!!!
Balance the legalize. Budget marijuana.
Wait… what?
That would work, too.
I smoke 2 joints in the mornin… wait I will have to go to work high? How sucky will that be? Fine legalize it, but if you do I am done wakin' and bakin'. What a buzzkill.
Seem to recall roughly 400 Wonketteers predicting this very outcome, back when this sham was first floated…
Oddly co-incidental, don't you think?
I wonder if the same co-incidence might occur if someone were to propose, say, mandatory truck nutz legislation…
You mean no one has proposed mandatory truck nutz yet? What is this country coming to?
Shouldn't truck nutz be more of a lifestyle choice, rather than mandatory. I don't want anyone trying to cram their truck nutz down my throat.
That's what the Hemi is for.
That's "ram." Obvs, you're not paying attenshun to yor talkin' points.
For weed to be legalized, Libertarians would have to have WAY more political power than I am comfortable with
But the chaos and anarchy would be like a dreamy movie. Fuck it. Fuck the ammo. I didn't really want to kill those cracker-ass neighbors anyway, yeah, the ones lobbing flame at the house. CHECK THAT SHIT OUT. Whoa. Hey, pass the Red Stripe.
I, for one, welcome our weed-smoking, alien overlords. Hey Cheech, ya holdin'?
Don't blame me; I voted for Kodos.
Kodos/Kang 2012!
Forward, not backward!
Upward, not forward!
And always twirling…
twirling…
twirling toward freedom!
Meanwhile, in the other Washington, very earnest progressive legislators are are very earnestly and progressively supporting a bill to legalize and tax that shit.
There exists a Washington in which legislators actually legislate? GTFO!!!
This is Bad News for Dino Rossi.
Yes there does! Yes we cannabis! I've collected many signatures for I-502.
Good on ya!
An alien with weed is a friend indeed!
If this proposal is enacted, it may help "We the People" by getting our "political humor" writers to stop reminding us about how the country is going to shit all the time and just mellow out a little.
Free the Cheetos, man!
Hey, man, George Washington grew hemp! The founding fathers were all stoners, man, they were hitting the burbulator all the time. I heard about it all in a documentary by the Firesign Theater.
That was when, uh, Clem, visited the President, right?
Isn’t it time to legalize and regulate marijuana in a manner similar to alcohol
Fuck no. It is time to treat it like aspirin.
But bammer give me a headache, mon, not make de headache go 'way.
The White House pretty much launched the project noting that they would not actually pay any attention to proposals they didn’t like…
Dear White House,
Please continue Bush's policies re: the Departments of the Interior and Justice. Find new places to blow up brown people with killer robots. Continue sucking up to America's corporations and doing little to nothing for the average loser.
And pretend it's all because the Republicans made you do it.
Hugs and Kisses,
ittdgy™³²®©
P.S. Here it is.
~
It may be the weed that causes the alien sightings. Legalize it and we may find out.
To be serious, the other petition, the one about the aliens, that one is a great idea. Right now, nothing can save us from cannibal anarchy but a deus ex machina, and the best hope I have is for some super-advanced, benevolent aliens to send us the recipes for cold fusion and eternal life.
To Serve Man? it's a best seller on the Kanamits' home world.
Look on the bright side, in post-apocalyptic distopian future, there would be no big brother left to bust you for toking up.
There's always Deus Ex. Wait….
I take the Steven Hawking view of things. There is little reason to believe that they'll be benevolent. This thing we live on is nothing more than a ball of material resources to be exploited. The human population serves little moral purpose, and would probably be an impediment to them. The only purpose we'd serve is probably as medical experiments; we'd be too fucking dumb for a people advanced enough that has figured out how to find to be worth much else.
The seventh most popular petition, with 390 signatures, urges the president “to formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race.”
I'm starting a petition to name Jennifer Love Hewitt secretary of the Department of Ghost Whispering.
If that gains any traction I'll propose that every Friday all the Dept heads participate in a wet t-shirt contest. For morale, you know.
Also, on a trampoline.
I'm impressed. I forgot all about "We the People" ten minutes after I read the story. I'd cut down but then I may remember the country is fucked and then I'd….oooh a puppy!!!
As long as we're asking the white house for stuff, can we reprogram those flying robots to deliver weed, while blasting pink floyd through a killer sound system?
Hey you, Whitehouse
Ha ha… charade you are.
Remember when Cartman used to say "ha ha charade you are" to people? Those were the days, man, those were good times.
You get a thumbs up for posting "Animals" lyrics.
but if you legalize weed who knows where that will lead us…people smoking flowers, people smoking Labrador, people smoking people, people smoking communism…
Pffff…. Love that Labrador, man. It means "The arm of gold" man, 'cause that stuff makes your arm feel like gold. Yeah, I know, man. I was freaked when I learned that too. Pffft….
that explains the Libertarian/Weed Smoker/Gold Standard connection!
"Maybe there's hope" was the final line in the X-Files TV series. You're welcome.
Wow….someone actually made it all the way to the last episode?
Was this by any chance petition number 420?
The first, fourth, and sixth most popular petitions advocate legalization? Did the people signing the fourth and sixth forget they already signed the first?
It happens.
Hey Perry-Gas, grass or ass-nobody rides for free. Oh. Wait. Put your pants back on.
Kirsten, your first sentence could only have been written under the influence of weed. But I agree that aliens should be legalized.
The American economy is a plunging meteorite disintegrating in flames by the second, poverty is at its highest levels in decades, faith in Congress is at an all-time low
Legalizing weed seems like the only logical thing to do at this point. Maybe heroin too.
Only for snorting. On weekends, only for snorting on weekends.
Yes, it certainly is laughable to ask the government to stop throwing people in jail for doing something that is common, private and reasonably harmless. Hardy-har-har.
Having the highest number of incarcerated people, a good portion of them for nonviolent offenses such as smoking pot, and wanting to stop that source of wasteful spending? The very soul of hilarity! The warden lobby will have a fit!
Disappointing…
My proposal to resettle all Republicans in the Amazon is getting zero traction.
We can't turn them loose in the Amazon, it'd be an environmental disaster. Maybe we could launch them into the sun?
Anyone want to propose laying off 20% of Congress and half the senators?
Be just our luck the Dems would be 'let go'.
That's nothing. Newt's got a site where you can suggest your own executive orders for him to issue in his first day in office
http://www.newt.org/first-day
O, the fun we'll have…
The 4 listed he's already in favor of are pretty hillarious already.
#4 is pretty epic: every nation has a right to designate their own capital, and the US should respect that. Even if a country, just 4TEHLULZ, decides to designate a outside of the territory they lawfully control as their new capital.
I should suggest that "President Newt" make a first-day executive order declaring Ottawa, Canada to be the new capital of the United States.
What's great about that one is Newt specifically mentions that Israel is the only country right now the US discriminates against in this regard because we still keep our embassy in Tel Aviv even though the Israeli people have designated Jerusalem as the capital. That designation is actually symbolic and meant as a poke in the eye to the Palestinians, and Jerusalem's "Final Status" has been on the list of issues that must be resolved in any Palestinian statehood agreement since, oh, forever. In practical terms, Israel's government is still headquartered in Tel Aviv, so it makes sense our embassy would be there. Probably every other country with an embassy in Israel is in Tel Aviv as well. But sure, let's inflame the Middle East more by essentially giving the Palestinians one more giant "Fuck you" on their dream of statehood.
My suggestion (that President Newt remove himself from office and elevate vice president Santorum to the position [submitted asRick Santorum, natch]) was not found worthy of a posting on the sidebar.
But yes, fuck you Palestinians, why not. Jon Stewart suggests they might get more favorable consideration of they renamed the country "Palestein."
This is more likely to result in Bangkok being declared capital. Being a Congressman could then officially become a working vacation.*
*Sex tourism.
Executive Order 138: We are 138.
Mandatory 420 breaks for everyone.
A whitehouse.gov account is required to sign Petitions.
Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. Just email me the court summons now that I've incriminated myself.
Just don't post a petition that calls for everyone to meet in Lafayette Square and start climbing over the WH fence.
Pot is economic development…if it was legal think of all the jobs it would create, growing, distribution, retail, etc…..we might all be too high to do any of those jobs, but when you can't eat why not get high?
Well we should wait until universal healthcare kicks in then, because emergency rooms will be filled with potheads who didn't have any food who tried to chew their arms off when they got the munchies.
Goddamnit!!! Just when my stock in private prisons was starting to take off….
Browncoats need to start a petition to bring Firefly back.
I think there might be a fair amount of crossover between the groups.
I didn't want to presume…
Dope/Change 2012!
Today we are all Lucky Pierre.
Hope the official WH response comes from staffers yelling stuff from the top of that bus.
If only the potheads would bother to vote in actual elections, when it matters, like that initiative in California last year, they might actually be able to get legalization as a real possibility. But that would involve getting off their couches.
To be fair, we might still be able to motivate them, if we can get polling places to offer free pizza.
And if you could register through a PS3 or XBox.
If paultards are involved, I can also only assume that the rest of the top ten rounded out with calls to End the Fed and Return to a 'Sound Money' Gold Standard (PROTIP, lunatics: if you want to sound less insane, don't put your own misleading catchphrases in scare-quotes).
Because if there's one thing the economy needs, it's a return to 19th-century conceptions of money, with a corresponding return to the feel-good-times sorts of bank panics we used to have, every couple of years
Dear Potheads,
Your mothers have asked that marijuana not be legalized. You see, they're afraid that if pot is legal that you'll spend even MORE of your time laying around and eating junk food. Face it. You are shiftless enough as it is and the pot you smoke now has already shaved an IQ point or two off your total. Your mothers don't want to you lose even more ground socially, intellectually, and in terms of career progress. In fact, your mothers would appreciate it if you'd turn off the Cartoon Network, put down the snacks, and go out and look for a job with long term prospects for advancement.
Sincerely,
Everyone else who isn't a pothead
Dear person who is not a pothead,
Go Fuck Yourself.
Love,
Potheads
Case in point.
Pot use does not correlate with decreased intelligence, or even laziness, any more than alcohol use, crocheting, or zealous moralising. You say you're "one heck of an old broad," you should be old enough to know this. Grow up.
Occasional or moderate use does not correlate. Heavy use, in other words potheads, does. The question is whether lazy people tend to become potheads or does the pot make them shiftless.
A job with long term prospects for advancement? In Murica? Bud, that's too far out for even us potheads to believe in…so the question becomes, WTF are YOU smoking?
Good point on the advancement issue, but a mother can always hope
You done gone and really fucked up, now. But, you are more conservative than most of us.
Honestly, I just think that being a chronic pot user* is of stupid. I don't get the point. I've known potheads for decades, it seems to suck the motivation right out of you. They're not mean, not violent, not rapidly destroying their bodies. All they do is smoke, sit around doing nothing much other than vegging out, giggling, or eating, and then go out and find more pot. Once in a while, whatever. But why live like that a large percentage of your time? No, pot isn't the life and health destroyer that other drugs are. It is for sure, for chronic users, a life waster, though. Silent Bob and Jay are funny because there's some truth in them.
* – again, not the many people who are occasional users
Even conceding your points, how does pot being a Schedule 1 narcotic help matters?
It doesn't and I didn't say it should be. Pot is about the same as liquor in a lot of ways. Lots of people can use it with no issues, some people can't. I tried to be funny in that first post and it didn't go over so well. Lol. I don't feel strongly either way about the legalization of pot, but think the sentencing on it is ridiculous. I do, however, feel that pot sucks the motivation our of heavy users and as a group they seem to have sacrificed an IQ point or two.
I don't think pot will be legalized for a generation, until an older generation moves out of politics AND until the legalization gets some more mainstream acceptable advocates. Who is openly calling for it now? Paultards, folks who look like burnouts, and a number of celebrities such Woody Harrelson and Bill Mahr. Willie Nelson certainly uses, but I don't know if he's advocated for it.
"go out and look for a job with long term prospects for advancement."
Yeah, good luck with that.
Obama's not here, man.
You know what *else* happened on 4/20?
The FBI found David Koresh's stash?
Let's do Bill Hicks's proposal that the US government use cruise missile (now UAV) technology to shoot food at hungry people.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3trp5MkEhM (skip to 1:40)
EDIT: of course, we'd have to get stoned, first. Goes without saying.
The killer weed is is only loosely regulated in Alaska, and it hasn't done much good. You know, judging by their choice for Governor, past and present. Maybe it really does make you stupid.
WHEN WILL OBAMA CHOP OFF HIS OWN BALLS, PAINT THEM ORANGE AND GIVE THEM TO BOEHNER AS CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENTS FOR BIPARTISANSHIP???
not sure if POT will be the job creator you might think
Legalized? Shit, I think it's use ought to be REQUIRED for every Member of Congress at the beginning of each session. These dickwads need to mellow out, big-time.
The Insight-Stupid Ratio is much in their favor.
I have noticed Rightards seem lacking in insight, humor (unless someone is being hurt or belittled), irony and hypocrisy. Other than that, they're normal.
The Feds have been uncomfortably active here in Michigan concerning our medical marijuana act. I, for one, don't think this is a much of a joke. The shit they are getting away with, here, is getting kind of scary. I don't use the stuff, but a lot of good people have been raided and carted off on trumped up charges, and since the state is now Republican controlled, it's gotten even worse.
Obama's DOJ is actually worse than Bush's was when it concerns our law, here. Literally, the day after the Michigan Court of Appeals ruled most of the state's hundreds of dispensaries illegal, curiously, the Feds came into Ann Arbor kicking down doors and shit. They are definitely coordinating and spying.
this is an interesting debate.
what are talking about?
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