Dim caricature human Rick Perry is such an obvious sleazeball that the entire country is convinced that somewhere, somehow, there is some gross sex Rick Perry sex scandal waiting like a pile of turd-colored diamonds at the bottom of a cave for some lucky miner willing to “go there” and unearth this disgusting information. Porn emperor Larry Flynt, like all the rest of us, gets endless spam emails from various wackadoodles claiming Perry has at some point knocked boots with half the female strippers and all of the gay ones in the state of Texas, so Flynt is kindly offering $1 million to anyone willing to come forward with proof he can print in Hustler. He is not the first to offer money, but this is real money. Will the horrible economy be enough to make Perry’s sexytime victims come forward? (Yes, let’s hope.)Flynt said his office hears considerable chatter about Perry’s private life.
“That’s the reason why we decided to run the ad; otherwise we wouldn’t do it,” Flynt said Thursday. “We hope to get leads. If we do, we have good investigators to put on the story.”
Perry campaign spokesman Ray Sullivan said Perry’s team “will decline to weigh in on this garbage.”
Hustler Magazine’s newspaper ad offers up to $1 million in cash to anyone who can provide “evidence of illicit sexual or intimate relations with the governor.”
“You never know what’s going to break. You never know which way it’s going to break,” Flynt said. “But the thing about is, they usually all have something to hide.”
Yeah yeah, sure, of course, but really the important part is that all of this comes out a day after Perry wins the GOP nomination. [Houston Chronicle]
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I don't know how much of a playah he was before, but he's going to be getting more ass than a toilet seat now!
Im not good at this computer thingee but the word ASS should diffently be highlighted in your statement. Im just saying.
an old fashioned sex scandal would actually improve my opinion of him.
no one has set the bar so low! kudos.
It's a nice gesture, but I can't imagine that anyone would admit having sex with Rick Perry, even for a million bucks.
The ewww factor is strong on this one.
I would.
Ass would I…
Both of us at the same time, we could fuck his brain out.
At least listen to it rattle around.
You're assuming there's anything but bile and meanness inside his skull. His constant "how the fuck did I get here?" expression would suggest otherwise.
You'd have to pry that information from my cold, dead vagina.
Would ordinary recording device survive exposure to such an event?
There's no way Rick Perry's "Crotch" nickname has anything to do with sex.
evidence of illicit sexual or intimate relations with the governor.
Give me a minute while I get familiar with Photoshop again.
You mean "familiar" in the Biblical sense, right?
If only goats could speak…
That's the beauty, sez Ricky.
I know the goat you're talking about, and Rick says she's a big liar.
"She"?
That's what Rick calls it after he puts stockings and panties on it.
The bitch set him up.
Of course, no one could afford to pay a reward to the millions of Tejans who have been collectively a**-raped by Gov. Goodhair.
I really hope he doesn't use Trump's investigators… you know the ones that we weren't gonna believe what they were finding.
He was right. We didn't believe anything they found.
W.I.N.
Ya'll think I could still get the million if I just turned in footage of last nite's debate? 'Cuz I'm pretty sure he got pounded by everyone there
It's going…going…It's GONE!
I think that's him at 33:44 of Bisexual Gangbangers' Ball. Looks like his hair.
Nah, that's just the Davy Crockett hat I wore…. er, uh, I mean, that I lent to a friend to wear to the Ball.
Larry Flint should get Trump's investigators on this case. They are really good at finding stuff.
Or OJ.
Detective LaToya is on the case, too.
But, it's stuff you won't believe.
Rick Perry plus Larry Flynt = Newt Gingrich plus Herman Cain
or maybe
Rick Perry plus Larry Flynt > Newt Gingrich plus Herman Cain
What is this? Are you trying to make us imagine all of them fucking in some kind of revolting sexual math equation? wtf. Stop it.
No no, that was from the debate last night. Each of the candidates was asked which of the others whom he or she might choose as a veep candidate, and Perry said he wanted to breed Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Even Mittens had to say that was disgusting.
Fucking Texas slaveholder mentality. Always trying to breed people. Though I'm not sure what Perry will do with his plantation full of divorcing historian pizza magnates.
Sounds preeeetay shiiiitay.
Hell, I'll say I felched his santorum for a million bucks!
Damn.
I feel really dirty that that sentence makes sense to me.
And your sentenced made me realize I'm so jaded I don't even recognize that some people wouldn't understand those terms. Yikes.
Hell, I'd SAY I felched his santorum for a million bucks. Would I actually felch his santorum for a million bucks? IT'S HARD TO SAY. I have to think about it.
Proper Santorum requires that someone other than perry must bust a nut.
Last night's debate showed what a weak field the GOP has. In the words of Jaws, "We're gonna need a bigger asshole." Christie in 2012!
Definitely too big to fail.
All we'll wind up with is pixs of Rickey being ridden down by Georgie at some sort of anal themed assless chaps Rethug barbecue.
“We hope to get leads. If we do, we have good investigators to put on the story.”
Larry Flynt's investigator. Not exactly something you want mentioned in your eulogy.
Or for that matter, your resume.
Good — once Perry's sidelined, that's at least a start to the winnowing of Slick Rick surplus on the national stage. Then, to deal w/ the "Ron" head count.. the Joe overflow…
Wait, during last nights' debate didn't someone here comment how Perry implied he wanted to see Gingrich and Cain get naked together? Yeah, Flynt shouldn't have to wait too long for this egg to hatch.
I don’t think a million dollars would make me admit to having had sex with Rick Perry. And for the record I did not have sex with that Governor.
Ricky makin' whoopie with a ghey armadillo or GTFO.
"Leprosy…" (sung to the tune of "Yesterday")
Right? Or a live boy AND a dead girl…
I cannot provide such evidence.
HOWEVER, thank you wonkette, for the public service of providing the Hustler e-mail address. My last issue arrived in the mail severely dog-eared, and this is something I would like them to look into.
UPS or FedEx would take much better care of your mags…
when i was a child, our mailman got caught by the apartment manager looking through the porn magazines he was to deliver up the street in his truck. we got a new mailman shortly.
Mail Carriers are getting dumber. In my day we carefully noted whose Playboy we were passing around. This so it was a different delivery address each month.
Well, hell–he wants "proof." So much for THAT wacky easy-money scheme.
I know Kenny Ken Starr and you sir are no Kenny Ken Starr!
For one thing, Larry can actually get results.
Ricky probably had to bone Phyllis Schlafly when he was switching parties in order to be accepted in the club. Those photos would be too nasty even for Hustler.
Too nasty even for crime scene porn.
For a million dollars i might have sex with Michelle Bachmann….but I'd have to think hard about it.
"Thinking about it" and "hard" just don't go together in this case.
To boldly go where no Marcus has gone before, StarFuck! (Don't you think M&M used a turkey baster so they could avoid any more stimulation than necessary?)
Dogs never talk. Except for that one dog on youtube that says "I love you," but Perry should be safe, because the vast majority of dogs can't talk.
"Squirrel!"
Perry has fucked every Texan – don't they have any camera's in that state?
Off topic, but what the hell.
listening to Sirius' POTUS politics channel on the way in this morning and they do daily birthdays of important historical political figures.Today's was none other than the priginal Wonkette, the lovely, ginger, Ms. Cox
They even had a clip of Our Wonkette on some NPR show, Bob Edwards, I think.
Such greatness from such humble, ass-fucking joke beginnings.
Remember that scraggly coyote Perry said he shot one morning? It knew too much.
Specifically, it knew who really attacked the dog.
It's indecent, but Demi Moore will accept the $1,000,000 proposal to have sex with Rick Perry.
Who would be more upset: Woody Harrelson or Ashton Kutcher?
Bruce Willis…
Won't someone please think of the children?
Larry Flynt is a good man, an honest pornographer who doesn't have any pretense or hypocracy about him. And he performs a valuable public service, filling in the gaps in our terrible sex ed programs, by teaching the young men of america about butt acne, so they won't be surprised later.
As a young girl, I also learned a lot about vaginas from Larry Flynt, and things you don't want to do to have happen to them, even for money. ALso, Hustler is prob what started the whole, ya know, shaving them thangs up is probably not the WORST idear…
I came of age in the era of bush, luxurious, sprawling crotch-afros. I have never dated strippers or younger women, so, to this day, well, a shaved-up version of one of those thangs is something I theoretically approve of, despite a lack of hands-on experience.
I'm for anything anyway anyhow that makes anybody happy, 'cept for lightning bolts. Something bout labial electrical patterns makes me nervous. Four leaf clovers, fros, balder than Joe Biden should be, okay, just not lightning.
And the piercing thing I've run across once or twice in my internet ramblings kinda freaks me out.
I see a big hunk o' metal hanging off some lady's lady parts and I do not think "Sexxxaaay." I think "Damn! OUCH!"
Anyone who could make Jerry Falwell cry is a national hero.
"…filling in the gaps…"
tee hee…
Can one DNA test Santorum… not the candidate…
Dang. I moved out of Texas before Perry had a chance to fuck me. Sure could use that Flynt money.
Self abuse. Would that qualify as illicit?
If Perry's hair could talk, I'm sure it'd have claimed the prize already.
~
What if it's a merkin?
About time. This one's for ACORN, Planned Parenthood, NPR and Shirley Sherrod. Andrew Breitbart: you're next.
Andrew Breitbart: you're GAY.
/fixed
No one will admit to having sex with Andrew Breitbart for the simple reason that no one would have sex with Andrew Breitbart (except maybe that skank who played the hooker in the Acorn video).
Now be fair; real hookers might have sex with him if he ponies up enough cash. But it'll have to be a lot for him.
SWe're talking about the O'Keefe dude, right?
There must be a significant number of prostitutes of either sex that Rick Perry has cheated of their just compensation. A million dollars should cause hooker a traffic jam in front of Hustler's office.
Throw in a couple i-Pods and I'm sure they get some people to come forward.
Countdown to: "Check the timeline – that was a DEMOCRATIC indiscretion, and since I found the GOP and baby Jesus, y'all, I've prayed the gays and strippers away!"
I have had sex with some freaks in my time, so I would totally take this one for the team.
You are an American hero.
Hell, I am hardly freakish at all! Does this mean I have a shot?
Sure.
Woo-Hoo!
There's a story (legend?) of a toothsome female spy that waylaid an important German general during the Battle of the Bulge. She held him up for several hours thus slowing up his division's advance for at least a little bit.
My dream scenario.
Mine too, now.
I hope you'd at least lay down the law that there would be no kissing on the lips…any of them.
Mmmm, I give him a BJ today and avoid the bankruptcy court next week… Thank you, Wonkette!!
This is the best public service Flynt has performed since he revealed the affairs of a bunch of the Republicans conducting the bullshit impeachment of Clinton back in 98.
Yeah, too bad Livingston was a lobbyist before his House chair was cold.
Is the offer open to gerbils???
Wow who would have the money to put up to really stick it in Perry's ass in an unfriendly way. Would Mormons do that?
I love Larry Flynt.
I love you for loving Larry Flynt.
Me, too! His book One Nation Under Sex was a great read. By buying that book I like to think of myself as contributing to this prize.
Gov. Perry asked Larry Flynt to stop using monetary policy to stimulate the economy. No more Quantitative Teasing!
Didn't he have sex with that girl Glenn Beck raped and murdered that time?
I think I heard something about that . . .
From that show on teevee?
It was a hot topic in the barbershop one day.
I read about that on an internet news site.
Could Mrs Perry apply for this, then donate the money to Perry's PAC? It would be an awesome swipe back.
The fine print in the ad specifically mentions "illicit" sex acts, so unless Texas stil has some of those really restrictive old fuddy-duddy blue laws on the books, anything done the wife doesn't count.
We're talking the GOP here. Think about their scandals. How many of the GOP politicians have sex with their actual wife?
Do sheep and goats count?
They should start the search with blind people – who would have sex with a haircut like that if they knew about it?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichophilia
and/or:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichophilia
I'm just not totally sure what's on his head qualifies as human hair.
it's probably human. just not his.
I don't know, that coif has the look of horse, or some other dirty Texas creature.
Seriously, if you had had sex with Perry is a million bucks worth the existential embarrassment of having the whole world know you were that stupid or desperate?
Local rumor has it that his wife Anita was paid one million by Karl Rove to keep her silent after she caught Rick and his former assistant together in a hot tub. Maybe she'll tell that tale for another windfall.
Not sure about the sex part, but the WaPo has already confirmed that Rick Perry has a huge opening.
Ummm so Rick Perry raped me….I can haz money now?
Back in the '80s, Rick Perry was a regular at the Eagle.
There's something so constipated and joyless in his everyday demeanor that I come away with a sense that he is into some very weird shit, and that whoever might come forward would be implicating themselves, probably, in very damning ways.
In other words someone might want to check Rick Perry's basement freezer.
Right next to the coyote carcass.
For a million in cash. Sure, I'll let Perry secede in my mouth honeybadger-style.
I understand the honeybadger doesn't give a shit.
That's nasty.
It's a million bucks. I'll be able to afford a new tongue and stomach transplant.
The cash offer is “Up to $1 Million.”
Handjob photos would probably net an easy $100 thousand.
A video of Rickie Party Pants in a three-way with a live boy and a dead girl will haul in the big bucks.
Speaking of such matters – today is Anna Marie Cox's Birthday! I just heard that on The Writers' Almanac.
A Friday toast to her – and to Jessica Cutler, her alter ego.
Sexytime victims or sexytime vixens?
They're fixin to find out.
To hell with Ricky Perry, Larry. Write the check for our girl Kortney and her cucumber.
Since I live in Texas where Perry has overseen the gutting of education budgets, he's kinda fucked my children, two of which are boys. Can I get the million?
Some me on this tax bill where the govenor touched you…
The reason this won't pan out is that Rick Perry immediately shoots all of his sexual partners, post coitus, with a gun.
hello perry
you think you're so fucking scary
well, i've got news for you
hello perry
this is the news for you, perry
and it's not so fucking scary
here it is:
it's talking about you
it's talking about growing up in england
it's talking about being the slave boy
it's talking about giving head when you're 6 years old
it's talking about doing these things
the coming apart of you
the coming apart of your faith
and meeting the popping cherry of the brain
and the part of passing it around to the other boys
and then once you know it
hello perry
i think it's all too fucking scary
well, i've got news for you, perry
do you…hey!
i really care, perry
about your money
your mother died of cancer
Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer ,cancer, cancer
See, perry
i can be there
it's about coming of age
it's about learning how to do it
it's about learning how to experience things the way they ought to be experienced
it's about growing up
it's about licking the shit off the floor
it's about doing the things that you ought to do
it's about being a butthole surfer
it's about doing promotional work
it's about
it's about PR
it's about all these things
it's about loving yourself
it's about loving your mom
it's about loving your dad
it's about doing the things
it's about going to the go-kart track
it's about loving everything
your pop, your kitty
all the things
the catfood, the little bits of crayons
the melted pieces
the loving friends
all the things you wish you had
Flynt also provided a $5 reward for info on a sexual encounter with Tim Pawlenty.
Perryneum: The odor that is a musty mix of testes-sweat and indifferently-wiped ass, found in the area of the male fundament between the secretion points of both.
Google it!
Taint Misbehaving.
I am the proof, Don Braulio!
Please remit.
The miilion dollars would be better spent in a search for anyone who has had straight or gay sex with Rick Perry, that he didn't pay for. Because you know, hookers see so many guys that look like Perry.
It would almost have been worth it for $1 million. Almost.
There have got to be SOME unemployed chicks out there who would create a scandal for a millions dollars!
"Mr. Flynt, my name is Ted Haggard….."
Hell, I'm no whore — and I've ever only been through Texas, once, and nowhere in the vicinity of any actual cities — but I might be willing to play one on television for $1 million.
Hopefully, both ways. That's what she said, at least.
"…turd-colored diamonds at the bottom of a cave for some lucky miner willing to 'go there' and unearth this disgusting information…"
An apt metaphor for life. Thanks a lot.
Lizzie, Rooster; consider this your homework assignment for the weekend. After you sell the videos to Larry Flynt, post them up here.
That's what that look is! I couldn't place it, but that's it. It's like ' These people are really eating this shit up, I better keep up the act'
Same for Prince Alberts. No man needs two pee-holes. That's just weird.
Do you have Prince Albert in a can? (It must be an adventure at the urinal, does one piss on one's feet, or is it like a little Belaggio fountain thing or something? I'll pass thanks)
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