Liveblogging the GOP Fox News Strap-On Death Match Debate #54

No not another one! Yes, another one! We will do some liveblogging on this, maybe? To give Kirsten Boyd Johnson a break so she can “do something at night” (cry), maybe? Yes! We do hope you’ve picked up the usual giant-sized condoms full of vodka and ice axes, and that you’re ready to join us for this special thing. How will the Fox News GOP Debate celebrate today’s 391-point drop in the Dow Jones Stock Market and similar plunges worldwide? How can you watch it without watching Fox News on the cable teevee? Go to this debate view-y thing! Weep a lot. Let’s go. (PS: The video of this crowd of jackals booing a veteran soldier who served in Iraq can be found at the bottom of this timeline of indignities.)

9:01 PM — Newt Gingrich is openly booed, the first boo of the night.
9:01 PM — And unknown spammer Gary Johnson from … what is he? A dope dealer from Mexico? Nobody knows. Welcome, Gary!
9:02 PM — Oh for god’s sake — or for DOG’s sake, apparently — the “bell sound” will instead tonight be the “bloink” sound of someone bothering you on G-chat. This is a gift from Google/Satan.
9:04 PM — Annnd, three minutes in, the Fox News video feed has failed and started over again from three minutes ago. Oh man.
9:05 PM — Rick Perry, speaking of his hell state that is actually on fire, and has no jobs at all, says with a smile is something about shoving something down his throat.
9:05 PM — Haha, there is a “google element” to this debate, in that each candidate will be asked about their top Google Search Queries. Let us hope that Santorum and Perry get this question, so that we can hear about poop-semen and how Rick Perry is gay.
9:07 PM — GAH, the Google “gloonk,” this will not be fun.
9:07 PM — Mitt Romney doesn’t want to start suddenly talking about who is rich, after he ridiculously called himself “middle class.”
9:08 PM — Michele Bachmann has bravely come out in favor of no federal taxes, and that the guy on YouTube and EVERYONE ELSE should keep every penny of every dollar they earn. No taxation! Fantastic!
9:11 PM — Dear Newt, how much will you enjoy taking everyone’s unemployment check, in your mind, so you can buy some new whore trinkets at Tiffany’s?
9:12 PM — Gingrich: It’s “fundamentally wrong” to let people laid off by American companies to get a little money for rent and food, after they’ve paid into the unemployment system for years or decades. MASSIVE APPLAUSE.
9:13 PM — Jon Huntsman, the Obama employee, is asked how he is different from the black socialist Obama as far as giving a zillion dollars to Chinese communists who made a solar panel.
9:15 PM — The Fox News ulcer does not care for this! But he loves, as does the audience, pizza man’s 9 pizzas for 9 dollars plan.
9:17 PM — Doctor Ron Paul is very excited about these 10th amendment fetishists and their YouTube channel. The fella has a pantyhose on his head or something! The crowd in Tampa digs this mightily. Ron Paul, as president, will veto everything, stop those schools, we’re coming BACK (to Somalia).
9:19 PM — Gary Johnson, finally getting a chance to appear on a debate, is “not going to presume to tell anyone” why he should be president, or even why he is a “better libertarian nut” than Ron Paul. One thing about these libertarian candidates, they drip charisma.
9:21 PM — Using YouTube somehow, Fox News has ascertained that the people watching this debate ALL believe anyone making a million dollars is officially rich. And a majority of these people say it’s $500,000 household income, we think. It is hard to tell exactly because the people on Fox News are all millionaires, and they are paid to make numbers and math very confusing so that the poor people watching Fox News think the rich people on Fox News are somehow “on their side.”
9:23 PM — The Paultards are winning this debate on YouTube.
9:24 PM — Oh, Wonkette Operatives, please go to this Fox News Google YouTube thing and submit your questions and answers! Make Herman Cain president of Newt Gingrich’s poop-pizza shop, in their minds! The video stream actually, uh, works here, too!
9:25 PM — Also, you can type gibberish in the “Have Your Say” box. We just typed this:

why is rick perry not in texas fighting the fires? he expect obama fed to violate constitution and do it FOR state rights?

9:26 PM — Speaking of Governor Perry, how will he run his 50-state social security fuckup? Rick Perry wants old Republicans to know he’s not talking about them.
9:27 PM — Oh, it’s time for the snit between Rick and Mitt. We have sat in bars in the Castro and seen this exact scene between two bickering old queens so many times, this is like deja vu.
9:28 PM — Rick Perry saves his most whiny sneer for saying the word “books,” and then reads his oppo research out loud about Romney changing a line from the hardcover book to the paperback. (Romney took out the Romneycare part for the unread/unbought paperback version of his unread/unbought hardcover.)
9:30 PM — All these sociopaths love to throw around “Obama is a socialist.” This gets great booing, we guess against the idea of “socialism.” Mitt Romney wants to split (dyed black) hairs here, and say that what he thinks is that Obama is like other Western leaders, in that they are capitalist-socialist-democrat places. Nice job not going for the “he’s a socialist” thing, Mitt. (Mitt just wanted to use his scripted line about how he “didn’t inhale,” which we guess is a “current events joke” to these people.
9:32 PM — Annnnd …. Jon Huntsman is the first to use the magic words “Ronald Reagan” tonight, which doesn’t change that Jon Huntsman’s last job was working for President Barack Obama.
9:34 PM — Herman Cain is back on the Chilean Pizza Ponzi scheme, whatever that is.
9:35 PM — Newt Gingrich is going to solve the spending thing the same way he solved everything else: buy followers on Twitter and buy whore diamond trinkets for his new mistresses from Tiffany, without paying interest on his credit card.
9:36 PM — But Newt Gingrich will not answer a question about what to do with the economy tonight, at the GOP debate. Instead, he will answer this question next Thursday. Uhh.
9:37 PM — Anybody remember the first YouTube debate, years ago, when the melting snowman asked a question in a creepy voice?
9:38 PM — Gary Johnson is going to destroy the federal Department of Education and give the money to “fifty labs” somewhere, we guess to make Zombies?
9:39 PM — Sperm-feces man, Rick Santorum, wants parents to know that as “customers” of education, they are actually responsible for doing all the education.
9:40 PM — Rick “Eh words?” Perry has run out of soundbites written on his hands, in mascara. But he’s got one “Well whatever y’all but Mitt Romney’s a bitch.”
9:41 PM — Romney stammers and coughs when asked if Perry said anything untrue about Romney. This is apparently about some Obama/Bush “race to the top” something or other. No boos, no cheers, nobody knows what anyone else is talking about. Let’s get back to cheering the death of unemployed people outside the barbed-wire gates of the hospitals!
9:45 PM — The white olds watching this debate LOVE the new “bell sound” because they are not familiar with the gchat and the ‘puters so much.
9:45 PM — Michele Bachmann is going to build a massive wall along the “Southern Border,” which we guess is the Mason-Dixon Line? We’re good with that.
9:48 PM — Newt Gingrich, who doesn’t have to pay interest on his credit cards, thinks there is no such thing as credit card fraud. He also believes the language of the federal government is something other than English. Klingon?
9:48 PM — More Perry-Romney liberal jello wrestling. Romney “just can’t follow” the argument.
9:49 PM — Rick Perry gives every illegal Mexican alien $100,000 of taxpayer money, for free! He is a super liberal Mexi-socialist!
9:51 PM — Rick Perry is also a stern gay waiter at a fancy country club restaurant, isn’t he?
9:53 PM — Wild booing, nobody knows why, Santorum boldly interrupts himself so he can say that nobody will get any help, ever, for education, whether Mexican or White American. But illegals are welcome to cross our border and sex our schoolchildren at college, in Texas.
9:55 PM — Okay everybody, have fun! We are going to cook dinner now and disconnect the Internet again, to make America secure.
And finally, here’s the GOP audience booing a gay soldier who served in Iraq: