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You can't buy everything!Unloved corporate failure Meg Whitman was last seen insisting that she should be governor of California because goddammit, she paid $141 million to be governor of California. And now the former eBay executive has re-appeared on the public stage, with news that she will be hired to run the ruined tech company Hewlett Packard. The rumor/announcement was greeted by a global plunge in all stocks, led by a collapse in all technology shares. Why can’t she just leave Earth alone? Aren’t things bad enough without Meg Whitman?

Whitman and another failed Silicon Valley executive, Carly Fiorina, decided in 2010 that they would each like to buy a big political office in California, because they were bored and had hundreds of millions of dollars from their accomplishments: yelling at underlings, laying off tens of thousands of American workers, and driving big companies into the ground. Whitman decided to be governor and Fiorina decided to be a U.S. Senator. Neither had any idea of what they were doing and didn’t even know how to vote in regular Election Day situations. Naturally, they ran as Republicans. Both were crushed.

What do you call it when delusional Republican multimillionaire CEOs fail to buy their way into office in California during a terrible recession? “Year of the Woman,” obviously.

And the crazy people who run HP have been trying their best to destroy what’s left of the computer company, probably as part of some elaborate 2012 ritual. They keep making weird announcements like, “Let’s not make computers anymore,” and then the shares plunge and they try to think of something else, like, “Let’s hire Meg Whitman as CEO. We already had Carly Fiornia!”

The markets responded like this:

Hewlett-Packard Co. led a broad-based selloff In tech stocks by midday Thursday after a report surfaced that Meg Whitman, the former eBay Inc. chief, was expected to be named chief executive of the beleaguered tech giant after the closing bell.

At least HP is leading something again! Oh yeah, and all stocks everywhere are plunging. We are apparently in another Global Depression now. Hope you enjoyed the recovery! [Marketwatch]

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