As we learned in Sunday School, it’s super important to make a good “first impression” when sending some spam email to a 2008 political supporter. How many emails do you delete without opening because the subject makes it perfectly clear what’s in that email? Let’s say “ninety percent,” to be conservative (like Obama!). For several years now, the Obama campaign has been in the “delete without opening” file. We know they want money, or for us to watch a speech first and then give money, or for us to look at a YouTube clip and then give money.
We also know we don’t have money, and if we did we probably wouldn’t be sending it to someone more concerned with winning the affections of Eric Cantor and John Boehner and Paul Ryan than, say, the landslide majority of voters who elected him. So, it probably doesn’t really matter how terrible the Obama email subjects are, but somebody has gone ahead and created a “fun web thing” where you can see various dumb subject lines and try to guess which ones were written by your hypothetical aunt with an AOL account and which ones are trying to get campaign money for Obama. Here are some samples:
- Put this on your car.
- Is this still your address?
- This is actually pretty cool.
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Another example of bad subject line etiquette that I just received:
Enlarge your penis size up to 3-4 Inches in length and up to 25% in girth with most powerful and 100% Natural and Safe BigPenis Penis Enlargement Pills. Risk free 60-day money back guarantee.
That is way too long. "BIG PENIS" is sufficient.
Seriously…who wants a "safe big penis". I want a Dangerous Come Here Bitch Penis
Damn. Need ANOTHER new keyboard. Well played, Dash!
Mebbe these folks should hire Kortney to advertise on Wonkette.
I recently got one with the subject line PENIS WARNING: Penis enlargement etc. etc.
PENIS WARNING!!!
ah, the good ol' Flesh Colored (caucasian) HSA alert to warn you us about PENIS. not terrorists, really. more like terror wrists.
I get those, and think: Well, how nice of a complete stranger to send me penis enlargement emails. However, I am a woman, and have no penis.'.
Would you like one?
Do you have one to spare?
I do…but it comes with…attachments.
Not one of those Dangerous Come here Bitch ones; I'm a'scared of those.
Nothing says Happy Festivus to the one you love, or a friend you pity, like a penis enlargement product ordered via spam email. Plus, free identity theft!
Hands up if you also read this as "Is Your Dumb Old Cunt…"
The spam blocker just doesn't work on her.
The Old Uncle doesn't work on her either.
Does a sperm blocker work on her?
I got one yesterday that said – "Want Some Tonight, Big Boy" and I mistakenly thought I was being solicited by Lindsey Graham.
are you sure you weren't?
I feel as though I'm already a Winner.
Now, if instead of Winner you had said Wiener, well then that would greatly change the picture. So to speak.
a measure of some type of cloth (Shroud of Turin?) would instantly cover the exposed penis leaving you to suddenly wonder if it's deformed or something like the Elephant Man.
"Is this still your address?"
You'll never know the answer to that, will you?
"Is this still your address?"
No. No, it isn't.
Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm being solicited by a Nigerian Prince or a Kenyan President…
If the liberal subject lines are this horrible, just imagine what the subject lines on the rightwing emails are like.
I image all-caps illiterate ranting on the most part
From: Michele Bachmann
Subject: OMG AAAAAARGH SOCIALISMS AND VACKSINES!!!
From: Rick Santorum
Subject: PLEASE STOP GOOGLING MY NAME
From: Sarah Palin
Subject: T
From: Newt Gingrich
Subject: SCREW YOU UNGRATEFUL SHITHEELS
From: Tim Pawlenty
Subject: NO, I AM THAT GUY WHO RAN FOR PRESIDENT NOT THAT GUY AT MAACO, STOP ASKING ME ABOUT YOUR PAINT JOB
From: Rick Perry
Subject: HOW'S MY HAIR? JESUS SAID IT WAS GREAT!11 IS THAT A RACCOON?
From: Ron Paul
Subject: GRAB THE GOLD AND MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE DIRIGIBLE OF FREEDOM
Many wins.
just imagine what the the subject lines on the rightwing are like.
They may be spelled in different ways, but they're all pronounced errrr, errrrr
I thought it was herp … derp … herp …
No? I gotta talk to pdog about that Dem mole of his.
Here are some I got from Reince Priebus:
Confiscator-in-Chief
Fight Obama's Union Bosses
Millions of Leftists Coast to Coast
Union Bosses Declare War on You
And some that I got from Boehner:
Liberating Our Economy to Help Create New Jobs
Less Spending, More Jobs
Stopping Policies that Drive Up Gas Prices, Destroy Jobs
Washington Can Learn From Ohio
I do this just to torture myself.
Not sure who or what "Reince Priebus" is, but it looks like an anagram for something naughty.
Re: urine biceps
Does that help? (Just kidding. He's Michael Steele's replacement at the RNC. You can take it from there.)
And we give you a hearty, walloping meatloaf of a thank you for taking one for the team.
Jobs!
Millions of leftists? And where are they, if you don't mind me asking? Millions of powerful leftists, union thugs, and other hippy-dippy types, along with the mainstream media which is controlled by by Saul Alinsky or George Soros, or someone else with a vaguely Eastern European surname, where are all these people, pray tell, and what are they "controlling"?
Oh, I got a Can We Have Dinner?
Maybe Barry really wants to have dinner with me! Whoops, I deleted it, though.
They seem to exist only in Reince Priebus's fever dreams. In addition to my proposed science fiction movie about a right-winger who is actually treated as badly as they imagine they're being treated, I propose another science fiction movie about a US America that is overrun with Millions of Leftists, Coast to Coast, imposing socialism and FEMA camps, declaring class warfare and confiscating people's guns.
Jesus, don't YOU guys live a sheltered life!
This is as good a time as any to point out that "mental floss' is the most unappealing name for a Web site since "The Sanitary Napkin in Contemporary Art." I don't really want to scrape the smelly, half-masticated thoughts of the last few days out from between my neurons with a piece of string.
One of the bosses upstairs has been leaving dead-tree copies of that magazine in the proles' kitchen for as long as I've been working here. It's kind of like Cracked meets Reason, but the "Oops! All Factoids!" version of that.
I love my aunt. All of her emails are filled with advice designed to remind me that in her eyes I am still twelve. But she gives me money on my birthday and for Xmass. Which is more than the Obama Campaign has ever done.
Sweet Old Auntie / Birthday Card with $5 bill 2012!
I'll bet you got a nice tax refund each year that President Obama has been in the WH. Doesn't that count? Or did you aunt give you even more than that, in which case, I'd like her address, please.
wow…I only got 55%.
You must be quicker to hit the delete button than I am–it scares me that I got 82%.
I got 64 % by clicking on Obama Campaign for all 11. Thought maybe it was a trick question.
So will Obama start sending annoying, saccharine "inspirational" stories, pictures of babies being cute, and warnings of some new danger that's clearly a bullshit urban legend now?
Kute Kittehs!
He could be like my mom and preface the email with "Regardless of what you believe this is interesting"
I think I read somewhere that lolcats always get the independents on board.
Well, cats are known for being independent, so that stands to reason.
I like the ones atht our spelt rong and constanitly opun theys.
Get Congress to balance the budget using this one simple trick.
Discovered by a school-teacher mom from Atlanta.
My e-mails always have the same subject. "DO YOU LIKE BIG TITS?" and pepper them with porn links.
Are you referring to the emails you receive or the emails you send?
all of 'em Katie.
I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Well? DO YOU?
Well DUH? Big tits never hurt anybody. At least that is what a tee shirt given to me said when I was in a drunken haze in south FLA in the 80's. It ringed true then, and it rings true now. USA USA USA USA!!!
So, you're telling us that you like big tits, and you cannot lie?
"Send me directions"
OK, here are some directions. Take a stand–one that falls somewhere within the Democratic Party platform. STICK TO IT. DO NOT CAVE IN YET AGAIN TO THE PARTY OF NO.
You're welcome.
9/30 was this morning's.
As a non-political person I didn't realize that if you don't donate before the end of September you miss the deadline and they'll no longer accept my money. Does this mean I'm off their list, finally?
Two chances of that, little missy – slim and fat.
>Frustrated! That should be the subject line from us to him.
"Use this one one dumb trick to (save money, remove wrinkles, enlarge penis, etc)…"
That headline, fersure, will get my delete key going.
True fact!
My former boss was notorious for ignoring important emails. To make sure he would actually read them on his blackberry between golf swings I would give the really important emails subject lines like "I'm so fucking horny right now", "My tight white pussy needs your Jamaican cock right now!", and "Naked pics of my titties!".
Worked every time.
Was he Jamaican?
Yes, complete with dreads and an endless supply of weed. Ah, the good ole days of hedge funds!
He must have had a pretty fucking good sense of humor. That's hysterical.
I'm trying to picture a Jamaican guy with dreadlocks and weed checking his blackberry between golf swings. Not really succeeding, though.
You worked for Tiger Woods? That's awesome!
You're hired!
My old aunt stopped spamming me, so the missives from the Obama camp are some of the only fun cryptic nonsense I get. The ones from Judson Phillips at TeaPartyNation are fun too, but you almost always know what they're going to be about — "Party of Treason Can't Destroy America Fast Enough" kinda gives it away.
"you almost always know what they're going to be about — "Party of Treason Can't Destroy America Fast Enough" "
But that's really kinda true, and…
Oh.
They're not referring to themselves and their masters, are they?
What is really weird about that quiz is the "sorry, still haven't closed Gitmo" one was from the aunt.
Of all the creepy, gross, just plain weird spam I get, the subject line the makes me gag and want to run screaming from, well, the planet: CHRISTIAN SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU. Aaaaggggghhhhhhh, NO!
I dunno 'bout that. It could be another kind of fluid.
"I have been trying to find you for years!" Now that would be a hard one to pass up. I could do it, but I'm already half-dead, so WTF?
They laughed when I sat down to get re-elected.
That line may be a tad obscure. It’s derived from a legendary mail order ad – “They laughed when I sat down to play the piano.”
Before you read this, PLEASE do not share this message with anyone
…this is just for you…
Hello, my name is ________,you can fill in the rest …
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