GAY OLD PARTY  8:01 pm September 20, 2011

Rick Santorum Pleads In Vain With Google To Fix His ‘Google Problem’

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Don't worry, his campaign will be over soon, honey.Victimiest most victimized ever victim Rick “The President of Victims” Santorum has had a rough time carrying out his life’s mission as an unrepentant homophobic bigot, because his consistent dehumanizing attacks on gay people forced them to start a gay jihad against him (funny how war works, isn’t it, Rick?) that makes filthy results pop up top with any Google search of his name or presidential campaign. Most everyone knows this and finds it amusing and would probably forget about it eventually, except that Rick Santorum keeps bringing it up. Now he is appealing directly to the gods of Google to “fix” this with the helpful suggestion that Google would voluntarily censor legal Internet search results if a crazy liberal politician asked them to. That’ll win ‘em over, Rick!

POLITICO justifies their heart-stopping scoop on this thing that is not news by pointing out that this is nominally the first time Rick Santorum has said he would go straight to Google to request they make the Internet quit mocking him:

“I suspect if something was up there like that about Joe Biden, they’d get rid of it,” Santorum said. “If you’re a responsible business, you don’t let things like that happen in your business that have an impact on the country.”

To which, SNORT:

A Google spokesperson responded to Santorum by advising that users who want “content removed from the Internet should contact the webmaster of the page directly.”

“Google’s search results are a reflection of the content and information that is available on the web. Users who want content removed from the Internet should contact the webmaster of the page directly,” the spokesperson said. “Once the webmaster takes the page down from the web, it will be removed from Google’s search results through our usual crawling process.”

Our favorite part was when Rick Santorum believed his problems “have an impact on the country.” Now that WOULD be news, truly! [Politico]

 
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{ 334 comments }

memzilla September 20, 2011 at 8:04 pm

"… [the website] will be removed from Google’s search results through our usual crawling process.”

As opposed to the crawling process Rick Santorum is engaged in.

Sniveler / Whiner 2012!!

littlebigdaddy September 21, 2011 at 9:45 am

I thought that was Vitter? So hard to keep them straight!

GuanoFaucet September 20, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Santorum's really in a froth over this.

memzilla September 20, 2011 at 9:51 pm

I hear his biography will be filmed by the son of Ernst Lube Itch (sorry).

Doktor Zoom September 20, 2011 at 9:57 pm

But it will be banned in KY.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:06 pm

NO, YOU'RE NOT!!!!

Wish I'd thought of it first.

Chichikovovich September 21, 2011 at 9:16 am

And Ken Burns

poncho_pilot September 20, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Turning his tear-streaked face towards Pickles, his oldest child, Rick Santorum whined, "but…but…but we've always been at war with Eastasia." Pickles, being nothing more than a fetus in a jar atop Rick's mantle, stared back in silent judgment. the end.

dr_giraud September 20, 2011 at 8:29 pm

SANTORUM FETUS THEATER

The littlest Santorum child, crying: "Why doesn't Dad love me as much as he loves you, Pickles?"

Pickles, in his jar, stared back in smug satisfaction at his sister.

THE END

emmelemm September 20, 2011 at 9:08 pm

I'd give that an Oscar, a Pulitzer, a Tony, and possibly a Nobel Prize. It's just that good.

ProudLibunatic September 20, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Yes, I'd give them all these prizes for this saga, but alas, I have but one thumbs up to give.

tcaalaw September 21, 2011 at 8:58 am

I'd also give it a Grammy for best spoken word recording. But only if James Earl Jones does the reading.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 10:25 am

Or William Shatner.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard September 20, 2011 at 11:49 pm

These are truly touching, more please! Maybe it will give Ricky something to do after his campaign crashes like the Hindenburg. A one man, waaaay off-off-off-off Broadway show of these vignettes. The Anal Sex & Lube Byproduct Monologues.

user-of-owls September 21, 2011 at 12:15 am

I'm pretty sure I saw Jackie Mason perform this in the Catskills a number of years ago. It was genuinely moving.

Of course, it was unfortunate what the audience did to him afterward, but most of that skin will probably grow back and who really needs all ten digits on their hands and feet?

poncho_pilot September 21, 2011 at 12:22 pm

turned him into a chicken lady, did they? not too far to go really.

chicken_thief September 20, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Pickles wouldn't be any relation to Babs Bush's JarFetus, would he?

kissawookiee September 21, 2011 at 12:44 am

JarJar Bush ruined Star Wars, forever.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 10:26 am

No big surprise there. His brother ruined America forever.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 12:46 am

Since "Pickles" happens to be Georgeya's term of endearment for Laura, it's quite possible.

mourningnmerica September 21, 2011 at 2:06 am

Best ever.

poncho_pilot September 21, 2011 at 1:28 pm

this week on Family Circus Jerk:
http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b344/2wm/pickle

gurukalehuru September 20, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Of course, if you go to google images and enter rick santorum, it takes you straight to that photo. Which is worse?

SayItWithWookies September 20, 2011 at 9:19 pm

I think the phrase "enter rick santorum" is worse.

starfanglednut September 20, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Ricky, don't mess with us queers. We'll scratch your little eyes out.

e_z September 20, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I think Rick's problem iz his brown eye itches and he can't get anyone to scratch it.

chicken_thief September 20, 2011 at 11:55 pm

I do believe they've done one better than any eye scratching. I love the little bitch whine RS lapses into whenever he bemoans his current google plight. A scratched eye will heal with time, this is fucking. for. ever.

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2011 at 12:55 am

And he earned every single click, bless his heart.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 10:29 am

I'm going to run right out and google him now, just to annoy him further.

Angry_Marmot September 21, 2011 at 2:49 am

Santorum made his career as a bully, and bullies are the worst whiners when someone hits them back.

hollywooddood September 20, 2011 at 8:11 pm

That Google search is truly the only thing holding him back from the Presidency.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:08 pm

If not for Teh Accursed Googlez, Santorum would already be on the lips of every young Republican!

chicken_thief September 20, 2011 at 11:58 pm

I don't know about their lips, but Ms Lindsay's breath sure smells like a Santorum.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 12:11 am

I'm not gettin' close enough to his pasty, saggy moobs to find out.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 10:31 am

Well, that, and the whole "supergluing the dog to the roof of the car" thingy.

Pristine_ODummy September 22, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Actually, that was Mittens, but I don't blame you for getting them mixed up.

MegPasadena September 21, 2011 at 9:21 am

Wait for his head to explode when he finds out that he also has a Bing problem.

Buckminster September 21, 2011 at 12:10 pm

That and a matter of having a valid platform and enough support from "the constituents"

Come here a minute September 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Mr. Santorum, you're no Joe Biden!

Not to mention, if Biden were something dirty, it would be something awesome.

horsedreamer_1 September 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Invented by Joe Biden.

Dan Savage would not need to do Joe's dirty work. In fact, I doubt Dan is perverted enough for such a task.

the_problem_child September 20, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Bidet is something clean. Or at least designed for cleansing.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Compared to Santorum? Oh, HELL, yeah, Bidet is clean.

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2011 at 12:57 am

A bidet seems to be a reasonable solution to a santorum problem, should you have one.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 1:10 am

Actually, since most santorum is discovered when it suddenly shows up on the sheets, a washer is the better, heh, solution.

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2011 at 1:23 am

I think a Biden would be soliciting up-against-the-wall sex with someone before finding out said person was in a wheelchair.

(I refrain from deleting this post, not out of a dearth of shame, but as an example of the depths of sodden depravity one can sink to, in the hopes that it serves edifying to our younger generations, who might seek to avoid such behavior, especially when this drunk.)

Negropolis September 21, 2011 at 2:18 am

Meh. This is about as bad as when Bush teased the blind reporter for not removing his sunglasses.

Texan_Bulldog September 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Apparently Rick doesn't know how the intertubes work. I can't help but think if the magical Internet unicorns managed to fix Rick's problem, Dan Savage et. al would think of something even more funny (for us) to do to him.

NorthStarSpanx September 20, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Or he could go the Ivy Fry way when a local Wasilla church lady was gleefully trashing Sarah Palin in her blog and email: “Stop blogging. Stop blogging right now!”

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I'm keeping an eye on Danny's column for the winning entry for the "Rick" half of Santorum.

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2011 at 1:04 am

I get a warm feeling picturing the former senator from PA recreating that scene from The Jerk where Steve Martin is writing out all those class action checks for $1.28.

"Dear Website Webmaster: Please remove the term 'Santorum' from your website if it refers to anything other than me, the former senator form PA.

Sincerely,
RIck Santorum"

SorosBot September 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Take comfort, Rick; even if your name hadn't been turned into a literal joke, you'd still be a loser who can't poll above 3%.

Tundra Grifter September 20, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Which is probably a point or two below the poll's margin of error.

Meaning, his number is really 0.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Meaning some old blue-hair probably pushed the wrong number on the phone when polled.

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 10:19 pm

…or the pollsters over-sampled Wonksters.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Guilty. (creeps away)

KenLayIsAlive September 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm

"… you don’t let things like that happen … that have an impact on the country.”

The only way this moronic bigot could have an impact on this country is if he jumped out off an airplane without a parachute.

Consider that a suggestion, pRick.

Native_of_SL_UT September 20, 2011 at 8:31 pm

But you're already wrong. He has had an impact on this country.
He brought forth a new word into the American lexicon.

KenLayIsAlive September 20, 2011 at 8:34 pm

He bought forth froth a new word into the American lexicon.

horsedreamer_1 September 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm

I can't even order Starbucks without giggling, for sure.

BTWBFDIMHO September 20, 2011 at 10:01 pm

He probably meant an impact on his cuntry.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:11 pm

He wouldn't touch a cuntry with a ten-foot pole. All his babies were from Immaculate Concepshunz.

Tommmcattt September 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Rick, you do know that this frothy mix thing is the only thing keeping your name in the papers at this point, don't you?

Idiot.

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2011 at 1:07 am

You make a good point, Tommy. He's hella more famous than an ineffectual former (one-term?) senator form PA should ever be. He should stop grumping and find a way to monetize this thing.

Think positive, Ricky!

Come here a minute September 21, 2011 at 5:45 am

I guess he's already on that. Playing the victim is good grifting!

dancesw_cougars September 21, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I see where you're headed – santoralube. If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

Ugh, I just grossed myself out.

PuckStopsHere September 20, 2011 at 8:13 pm

He could always retaliate by saying mean things about homosexuals on his webpage. Oh, wait…

MissTaken September 20, 2011 at 8:14 pm

He's comparing himself to the Vice President of the United States. How very frothy of him!

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 20, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Maybe he is just trying to get a story out there that he is VP material?

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:30 am

VP material? Is that something trannies make their pageant gowns out of?

metamarcisf September 20, 2011 at 8:16 pm

I have as much faith in the free market system as does Senator Fecal Boy (R) (PA). Eventually, like the tax code and the stock market, the Google Search engine will self-correct itself. In the meantime, as a token of my sympathy, I'd like to send his campaign that Canadian quarter I've been trying to get rid of.

SudsMcKenzie September 20, 2011 at 9:26 pm

congrats on 1 pee!11

p.s. loved the "Amos and Andy, the Movie" idea.

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:31 am

Meta! You're in the black! Maybe you could offer lessons to our nation's economy??

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 21, 2011 at 1:17 am

Yeah, just noticed that… something's just not right in the world!

metamarcisf September 21, 2011 at 7:41 am

Yeah, stay away from the rednecks and everything will be fine.

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Don't worry, Rick. The Politico commenters have your back(side):

Santorum is a good and decent man, it is juvenile and pathetic that people who disagree with him on issues seek to denegrate his name.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

PuglyDoRight September 20, 2011 at 8:32 pm

That comment was obviously written by Mrs. Frothy.

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 9:58 pm

I hear they're opening up a new Mrs Frothy right off Exit 147. Their Brown Cows are to die for!

PsycWench September 21, 2011 at 8:15 am

I was thinking Mr. Sockpuppet.

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 9:54 pm

it is juvenile and pathetic that people who disagree with him on issues seek to denegrate his name.

As opposed, say, to denigrating a huge swath of our brothers and sisters with whom you 'disagree' through vicious, mean attacks. Because a magic sky fairy tells you they are an 'abomination.' That's not juvenile and pathetic at all, is it. Cunt.

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Mrs. Frothy's "disagree with him on issues" has got to be one of the greatest understatements of all time. As though we were talking about zoning or highway signs. Lionel_Hutz_esq made a great case for what Ricky could do to rehabilitate his image, namely start acting like a human towards his fellow humans. But we all know THAT ain't gonna happen.

Mrs. Frothy is correct about one thing — this "disagreement on issues" sure makes for some swell denigratin!

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Tsk tsk, friend. Read her again. It makes for some swell den-e-gratin'

Geez, kids these days.

p.s. Day 51. Mate's back in the nest & tings is lookin' promisin'…hoo-hah!

HistoriCat September 20, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Yeah owls – good going! Here – let me buy you a nice frothy drink.

What – you don't like cappuccino?

(No, seriously – glad to hear things are looking promising)

Spurning Beer September 20, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Good going, my nocturnal friend. I and I are proud of you.

AlterNewt September 20, 2011 at 10:42 pm

I don't know you , but I've been reading you here for a couple of years.

Congratulations to you.

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Denegratin' — I totally set you up for that one. You're welcome.

Plaudits and kudos — I'm so proud of you! And we kinda-sorta did it together! The three-legged sack race will go on, possibly indefinitely, but it's not nearly so exhausting anymore.

It sounds as though you've really put it behind you, and that you're adapting to the new regime quite nicely. And I'm glad to hear that Mrs Owls's return is actually a return. I was blown away when you mentioned how long you had been together — more than half my lifetime.

Things are still going strong here. Mrs Dewey is out on bereavement, so the Little Life-Affirmer and I have planned a fun week of daddy-daughter activities. We're going for a camping trip this weekend in my '78 eggplant/white VW Westphalia. Many birds will be watched, many trails hiked, and — fire restrictions having been lifted in the Magdalena Mountains — many s'mores will be ate and many ghosts will have their stories told.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I don't know what I'm being glad about, but if it's makin' ya happy, it's gotta be good. Good cess, owls.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:14 pm

If it were only the denigrating! So many of our Queer Nation are attacked physically. They hate us, abuse us, and kill us with impunity. And then cry tears of mingled rage and pain when we laugh at them.

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Someone should write a movie (science fiction, perhaps? 'Cause it would clearly describe an alternate universe) about a right-wing homophobe/misanthropist who is actually treated as badly as they think they're being treated, or as badly as they treat other humans.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 12:08 am

Thank you. Is it OK if I credit "notthatDewey" in the dedication?

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:12 pm

They misspelled "degenerate."

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Ha!

They also misidentified the actor in the sentence — he's done a pretty good job of degenerating himself. He doesn't need our help with that. We just poured a little gravy on the meal.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 12:10 am

Or, as Crank_Tango might say, ass-gravy.

Anybody who puts their dead, miscarried fetus in the marital bed overnight has WAY more problems than us Queerz.

Doktor Zoom September 21, 2011 at 9:33 am

Probably has Assburgers…

glamourdammerung September 21, 2011 at 1:48 am

Santorum is a good and decent man, it is juvenile and pathetic that people who disagree with him on issues seek to denegrate his name.

So declares the "Nobamao is a stealth muslin, secret Kenyan, Malcolm X lovechild who is trying to overthrow the nation with socialism" crowd. And that is with me being kind and not mentioning some of the lies they told about Clinton.

not that Dewey September 21, 2011 at 8:22 am

And with Nobamao and Clinton, there wasn't even the pretense of "disagreeing on issues" — they knew they hated these guys right out of the gate. Denigrating their names was one of the most polite things they ever did.

Crank_Tango September 20, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Look, you delusional puddle of ass-gravy, google could wipe away every trace of your former existence, and you would still be unelectable to any position on earth.

Radiotherapy® September 20, 2011 at 8:51 pm

I will NOT google ass-gravy. Thank you.

finallyhappy September 20, 2011 at 8:58 pm

"puddle of ass-gravy"- If I ever have a band, can I use that as a name? Of course, I am almost 60 and can't even read music or play an instrument but….

Crank_Tango September 20, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Well, there's always rap.Sent from my iPhone

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Hey, Grandma Moses was older than you when she started. NEVER give up.

tcaalaw September 21, 2011 at 9:02 am

I never realized Grandma Moses had a singing career!

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 6:40 pm

The Dagar brothers, proponents of a very taxing ancient North Indian classical music style known as dhrupad, were singing well into their 70s, and many female classical vocalists don't reach their peak until fairly late in life.

emmelemm September 20, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Right…. just as soon as all those racist assholes take down their "Obama in the watermelon patch" Photoshopped pictures and their "Obama with Hitler mustache" photos…

I ain't holding my breath. Shut up, frothy mix!

BerkeleyBear September 20, 2011 at 8:24 pm

See, I assumed he mentioned Biden, not Obama because he knows that googling obama pulls up shit like Obama muslim kenyan blah blah blah.

But I was probably giving Ricky too much credit.

emmelemm September 20, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I thought it was a clear signal that he's not really running for "President", but for "Vice President". Like either one is going to happen! BWA HAHHAHAHAHAAA

Callyson September 21, 2011 at 1:40 am

If you Google "Joe Biden," the second thing that comes up is "Joe Biden gaffes." Notice that Mr Bitchin' Camaro is not whining about that.
Also–GO BEARS! (Fellow Cal grad here)

BerkeleyBear September 21, 2011 at 3:01 am

Go beers! (although not too many for the folks having to make their way back from games in SF this year – those BART trips can be murder!)

What, too soon?

JackObin September 20, 2011 at 8:19 pm

His family looks like the religious version of the Manson family.

Texan_Bulldog September 20, 2011 at 8:30 pm

More like Children of the Corn.

horsedreamer_1 September 20, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Can't win in Iowa without supporting ethanol grants, after all.

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:37 am

Maybe they could mix up a batch of frothy corn jelly.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 10:58 pm

"His family looks like the religious version of the Manson family. "

Yeah, "looks like".

El Pinche September 20, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Give God a call, asshole. Maybe He can help your frothy problem.

Radiotherapy® September 20, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Witch one?

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I suspect God's just as sick 'n tired of Li'l Ricky as the rest of us.

chicken_thief September 21, 2011 at 12:08 am

God is too busy with war, famine, and One L Michele to bother answering when Dan's Bitch calls. I bet He has Froth calls dump right to voice mail.

elfgoldsackring September 20, 2011 at 8:21 pm

"Yes, Mr (ppfffft) Santorum. [Bwa-ha-ha!] Sorry, I have hayfever. You'd like us to do what? Um, no, we can't… Yes, I understand that. But as SpreadingSantorum is very popular… [urk-kh-kh] — sorry, just clearing my throat. Look, let me transfer you to one of our lawyers. When I put you through, ask for Phil McCavity. [Shh, you guys!]. OK, bye now."

DerrickWildcat September 20, 2011 at 8:22 pm

This is the only reason he wants to be President.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 20, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Santorum is just upset that his wife won't let him show her the primary definition of his name in person.

BarackMyWorld September 20, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Alternate headline:
Terrible Demagogue Can't Understand Why People He Hates Don't Like Him Either

BerkeleyBear September 20, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Yeah, Ricky. The interwebz googledy doos are all slanted to hide embarrassing stuff about liberalz. That's why "Obama birth certificate" and "obamacare" are the second and third suggestions that pop up, and not obama poopyhead muzlim.

DerrickWildcat September 20, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Did you know if you do a Google of
"Santorum Rick Plushy Plushie anal poop monster screamer pillow biter diaper feces face smear"

It will send you right here?

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:20 pm

How many searches did it take to put that string together? I mean, it's not as if one (oh, all right, THIS one) ever enters random search strings on Teh Googlez, yes?

Barrelhse September 20, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Wow- it worked. And I went Around the World!

veritass September 20, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Please allow me to make it easier to contribute to Santorum's frothy legacy.

Step 1: Click here to google search "Santorum"
Step 2: Click the first link
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit

LesPaultard September 20, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Alternate method, equally effective.

rocktonsam September 20, 2011 at 8:30 pm

cripes this guy.

you know who haven't heard from lately?

rhymes with Alaskan punt

Sharkey September 20, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Hitler?

Callyson September 21, 2011 at 1:42 am

Attila the Hun?

Negropolis September 21, 2011 at 2:20 am

Atilla the Hitler? Hitler the Hun?

Is an Alaskan Punt similar to a Hawaiian Punch?

tcaalaw September 21, 2011 at 9:04 am

Athabaskan runt? AmCan shunt? Help me out here.

ThankYouJeebus September 20, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Shorter Rick: Poop on Google.

MissTaken September 20, 2011 at 8:31 pm

You see, the internet is a series of tubes. And sometimes those tubes are filled with lube. And that lube can be used for this thing called anal sex. Often, when this so-called anal sex is performed the byproduct is a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.

Why Santorum doesn't want people to be educated on this is beyond me.

Beowoof September 20, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Rick, if its on google it must be true.

Mumbletypeg September 20, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Mark Twain: "There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular one is Providence."

Biblical Wizdom: "The Lord will provide."

I understand this tribulation no doubt frustrates Rick's belief in the might of Holy Right: but this is the very sort of prank-turned-meme that won't go away that renews my faith in, not sure if it's God, but definitely a poetic justice.
Let a new one develop on behalf of that other 'victim' of the internets, Daniel Gordon Jr. and I might actually have to admit there is a God… with a (consistent) sense of humor.

Spurning Beer September 20, 2011 at 10:26 pm

I am ashamed about it, but I like that he has brought shame not just on himself, but on his whole Santorum-surnamed clan. Imagine being in homeroom and having roll called the first time.

Franknflower September 20, 2011 at 8:36 pm

After announcing he might stand for the 2012 presidential nomination, he told The Daily Caller in April 2011 that he had not hired anyone to help move Savage's website lower in search results, but hoped his possible run for president would shift his own site to the top organically.

AJWjr. September 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Organically. Heh. Root word: organ. I wonder which organ is generally associated with the creation of santorum…

chicken_thief September 21, 2011 at 12:18 am

Wow. If he can't move his google standing with professional help, what makes him think he can run a country?!

Callyson September 21, 2011 at 1:43 am

I read that as "shit his own site to the top organically." Somehow, I think my reading makes more sense…

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 20, 2011 at 8:40 pm

While I hate to be serious around here, I keep wondering if Mr. Santorum hasn't considered that there is an easy way for him to, shall we say, clear his name. He could dedicate his life to making gay life in the United States better. Dedicate all of his money and his time to that pursuit. Then, in the course of years as Mr. Santorum works feverishly toward that goal, the good stories about his name will slowly outnumber the most common usage on the web.

Think about it Rick. If you do some good in this world, you might rise above the foolishness of your younger days. I believe a great teacher, named Jesus or something like that, sort of indicated that was the way to salvation.

One_who_wanders September 20, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Yeah, like that is gonna happen. And the AFA will join him together with one L and her hubby.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:26 pm

There is a school of thought in most religions dubbed the "good works school" that argues that doing good works and dedicating them to whichever deity you serve is as good as, if not better than, faith alone in reaching one's spiritual goals.

It ought to be fairly obvious by now,if it has not been heretofore, that the current crop of Christians of the evangelical flavour, at least in the US, prefers "faith" to "good works."

BaldarTFlagass September 21, 2011 at 7:49 am

Yeah, and some frothy lubey stuff might fly out of his butt, too.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 11:08 pm

"I keep wondering if Mr. Santorum hasn't considered that there is an easy way for him to, shall we say, clear his name. He could dedicate his life to making gay life in the United States better."

Even if Rick the Prick had the slightest interest in making life better for a single gay person — which he clearly doesn't — he'd never do anything like that, because he's spoiled and lazy and would rather whine about how persecuted he is.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 20, 2011 at 8:41 pm

You know who else is demanding that Google censor returns on their names?

horsedreamer_1 September 20, 2011 at 8:47 pm

David Miscavige?

Sharkey September 20, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Sir Henry Monroe Sharkster IV

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Dad?

Radiotherapy® September 20, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Blondie?

Radiotherapy® September 20, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Rick Perry Gay?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 20, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Sen. Russel Trombone?

MOG2410 September 20, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Santorum's wife?

Doktor Zoom September 20, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Rutherford B Palin-Hookworm?

SudsMcKenzie September 20, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Dick Van Dyke?

Pat_Pending September 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Penis Van Lesbian?

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I've always loved that!

mumbly_joe September 20, 2011 at 9:35 pm

The Tienneman Gate?

Pop_Socket September 20, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Lemon Party Goatse?

FlownOver September 20, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Eric "Vomit-coated Pus-filled Septic Tank" Cantor?

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I had no idea his nickname was common knowledge!

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Harry Baals?

chicken_thief September 21, 2011 at 12:21 am

Glen Rice?

anniegetyerfun September 21, 2011 at 1:12 am

Adolf Hitler III?

gurukalehuru September 21, 2011 at 5:31 pm

That dirty Sanchez guy.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Biggus Dickus?

Rotundo_ September 20, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Rick, even if Dan Savage hadn't had the contest, and your name become a joke, no one would vote for you. You are old guard republican and while you are an ass in the most sincerest sense of the word, you just cannot compete with the current lot of GOP candidates. It isn't your name being a joke, it isn't money, it isn't even your political ideas. It is you. You personify failure in conservative politics in a way few others could ever match. Try selling insurance, real estate, cars perhaps, but nobody is buying Rick Santorum the candidate anymore. The dream is offically over, deader than dead gets. Give up. The sooner the better for your already ruined reputation.
Edited to add: Snerk! BWAA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!111!!!!!

El Pinche September 20, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Brrrrravo Rotundo.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 10:07 pm

So true. Bob 'effin Casey, Jr. beat his ass like a rented mule. Now, I like Casey decent enough, and his locally famous name was definitely a boon, but for Santorum (an incumbent) to fail as epically as he did is just sad. Few incumbent senators have been beaten so badly since we started directly electing them.

LesBontemps September 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm

That's not fair! He holds the record for second highest number of votes in the 2006 election for Pennsylvania Senator!

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Is that like Joe Lieberman's "three-way tie for second place"?

LesBontemps September 21, 2011 at 12:45 am

A "three-way tie" is Rick Santorum's bondage fantasy. And/or his neckwear.

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:43 am

Was Sen. Casey demonstrating his greatness last week when he soundly criticized the President's Jobs Bill and said he didn't think he could vote for it in its present form?

Negropolis September 21, 2011 at 2:23 am

Yeah, that's why I said "decent enough". He's still mostly an anti-abortion conservadem, but probably not quite as bad as a Ben Nelson.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 11:14 pm

"beat his ass like a rented mule"

So much awesome.

Barrelhse September 20, 2011 at 11:35 pm

And the prick keeps making his daughter stand up on stage, while she cries like a freshman at her first gang-bang.

Tundra Grifter September 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Ff: Proving, one more time – as if we really needed the evidence – that just because it is organic doesn't mean it's good for you.

antispandex September 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm

"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."
See Rick, that's what one of our founding fathers had to say about your problem…well, sort of. You get the idea.

Sharkey September 20, 2011 at 8:50 pm

He thinks his biggest problem is Google. How quaint.

Sharkey September 20, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Wait til wikileaks gets hold of this.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Are you talking to yourself again?

Radiotherapy® September 20, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Santorum is a bitch.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Santorum *itches like* a bitch.

One_who_wanders September 20, 2011 at 8:54 pm

What you reap is what you sow.

BlueStateLibel September 20, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Rick, you seem to have forgotten that Google is a private enterprise and thus can't be regulated according to GOPeer law. Just suck it up instead.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 9:41 pm

"Google is a private enterprise and thus can't be regulated"

Well, FINALLY!
The free market is actually working in our favor!

Radiotherapy® September 20, 2011 at 9:01 pm

I've always been convinced the intertubes has some star-chamber censorship. For example, try and find the sex scene in Jet Lag with Juliette Binoche. (Simply for research purposes). Some of the control is capitalist copyright, but maybe some is nefarious. Either way, our favorite ass-gravy can't seem to get to the source.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 11:18 pm

"our favorite ass-gravy"

I don't know exactly what this means, and I'm not entirely sure I *want* to know, but it makes me think of you know how, immediately after a quickie…

KenLayIsAlive September 20, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I hear Marcus helps people with their "G" problem. I'm sure Rick could use some help in that department too.

ingloriousbytch September 20, 2011 at 9:10 pm

This is going to be fun. As someone who had to try and get Google to correct an address listing for one of my company's office locations, I can tell you that RickSanto is in for a world of hurt. Google is like a country with no laws, embassies, or treaties. Google is the Uganda of the web. (Facebook is the Somalia.)

He'd be better off doing commercial for lube.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 10:10 pm

For all it's social ills, at the moment, Uganda is actually doing very well, eocnomically.

johnnyzhivago September 20, 2011 at 9:11 pm

I can see Google went out of it's way to respond to Santorum – their usual response to bug reports is to take your keyboard and shove it up your ass.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:34 pm

You mean that's not what they (figuratively) said to him?

chicken_thief September 21, 2011 at 12:25 am

I think he was well aware of that before he made the call. And was eagerly anticipating that fate…

johnnyzhivago September 20, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Has anyone ACTUALLY seen GOOGLE's birth certificate????????????

widget2011 September 20, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Good luck Rick, I think it's so well established at this point 100 years from now it will be in The New Lexicon Webster's Dictionary, the encyclopedic edition, Hell 100 years, it may be in the 2012 edition. Rick, no matter how hard you try, Santorum is forever "burned" into my memory, try to erase that!

Hopefully they put in a graphic depiction , so you will live on well past your death. Rick you may as well go with the flow, the harder you fight it the more it will stick, or stickey, if you prefer. Just take "Pride" in the fact that you will live forever in the anals of history.

AJWjr. September 20, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Heh. Anals.

imissopus September 20, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Reached for comment, Dan Savage said: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:35 pm

He would, too, that bad, bad boy.

mavenmaven September 20, 2011 at 9:19 pm

I keep imagining that he called Google and got some calling center in Manila, who heard about this for the first time as a result of his call and all broke out in hysterical laughter when they looked him up.

widget2011 September 20, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Apparently Rick has never considered the word censorship, he's earned his moniker, now get down and deal with it.

Pat_Pending September 20, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Who the FUCK does he think he is, China??

Doktor Zoom September 20, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Ouch. Upfisted, albeit with lube, for truth.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Zing!

anniegetyerfun September 20, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Many fists in your direction.

user-of-owls September 21, 2011 at 2:01 am

AL:…it's back, it's back! Going, going…GONE!

DAVE: He sure knocked the heck outta that one, didn't he Al?

AL: Fuck yeah!

iburl September 20, 2011 at 9:21 pm

You know what else has a similar impact on the country? A tiny hummingbird feather wafting down onto a melted marshmallow.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 10:12 pm

But, but, but, the Butterfly Effect.

iburl September 20, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Butterfoam Effect

Doktor Zoom September 20, 2011 at 9:23 pm

“I suspect if something was up there like that about Joe Biden, they’d get rid of it"

Leaving aside the trivial fact that Joe Biden never compared gays to "man on dog sex," I'm not at all sure where Ol' Frothy got the idea that Google is swayed by pressure or impassioned pleas from any political corner.

Maybe he thought *whining* was a novel strategy.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard September 20, 2011 at 11:45 pm

He read Charlie Sheen's tweets and mistakenly thought that the secret to his success is #whining?

arihaya September 20, 2011 at 9:28 pm

even Obama never ask those birther nonsense, "Kenyan muslim socialist commie nazi usurper" bullshits to be removed and he is the fucking President of the USA

so just shut up you frothy dirt

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:40 pm

You know … you're abso-fucking-lutely right. He could have, and he didn't (probably because he knows Google won't do squat about it, and knows it's anti-Constitutional anyway).

I think I'll tweet your comment to Ricky.

mumbly_joe September 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

So, tl;dr, Rick Santorum wishes America were more like China, but for some reason other than worker safety laws, environmental protections, allowance of torture, or treatment of religious and ethnic minorities, as is usually the case?

chicken_thief September 21, 2011 at 12:31 am

Per-zactly. But only in relation to him. Because, you know, he is running for President.

Off topic a bit, but why would a person who lost re-election to Congress think they are POTUS material a couple years later?

emmelemm September 21, 2011 at 2:17 am

The same reason a person who quit after a mere 2 years of being governor of a very far-away, sparsely-populated state thinks she's POTUS material.

flamingpdog September 21, 2011 at 2:36 am

I seemz to remember some Dick who lost the race for governor of Californyer in 1962 ending up as Preznit of the US in 1968.

fuflans September 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

i believe rick is trying to impose regulations on america's job creators.

SayItWithWookies September 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Typical Republican — if the Google machine gives Rick Santorum facts he doesn't like, he'd prefer the algorithm change so it could make a special exception for him and hide the facts he doesn't like. Just like Rick Perry with EPA regulations, Dick Cheney with intelligence about Saddam Hussein, Michele Bachmann about STD prevention, and Mitt Romney with Massachusetts' healthcare plan. One rule for everybody, with special exceptions for them and all their friends. No wonder the corrupt self-serving bastards are always seen as unfair crony-loving bullshitting snake-oil salesmen.

Pat_Pending September 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

HA!! When I last googled Santorum, about 10 minutes ago, "Santorum For President/The Courage to Fight for America" was in the number four slot. When I hit refresh about a minute ago, he was down to number six. Number 3 was Wikipedia, and 2, 4, and 5 were ALL ANAL. God bless our freedom, and God bless America.

BTWBFDIMHO September 20, 2011 at 11:47 pm

It's the Invisible Frothing Hand at work.

anniegetyerfun September 21, 2011 at 1:17 am

That invisible hand does some quick work. It's amazing that the invisible hand doesn't have some form of carpal tunnel.

Pat_Pending September 21, 2011 at 2:04 am

It's an invisible fist, working up an amazing froth inside of Breitbart's ass right now!

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2011 at 12:28 am

The more Santorum tries to fight it, the more he draws attention to the neologism's unsavory meaning. This is a maneuver on Dan Savage's part that I move should hereafter be known as Santorum's Chinese Handcuffs.

emmelemm September 21, 2011 at 2:07 am

Nice.

SudsMcKenzie September 20, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Joe Biden dealt with his "Google" problem with much more aplomb.
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/biden-thinks-o

he has a " '67 Corvette– not a Trans-Am."

Doktor Zoom September 20, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Gotta like a Veep who owns a '67 Corvette.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:50 pm

And cracks up over the Onion spoofs. Darth Cheney would have eaten their living hearts on a bed of baby – BABY! – lettuces.

tihond September 20, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Santorum made this frothy mess by messing with the gay mafia. He should have knew not to fuck with them. After all, look what they did to the "good" name of Oral Roberts.

Doktor Zoom September 20, 2011 at 9:50 pm

OT: You know what? Fuck Rick Santorum…or let's forget him, better still.

Instead, let me recommend today's absolutely unforgettable Fresh Air interview with the legendary Maurice Sendak, a gay man who not only has had a real, BRILLIANT impact on the country, but who is nine million and seven times the man that Rick Santorum can ever hope to be. I was whole-heartedly smiling and weeping by the end of the interview. What a lovely human being!

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 10:24 pm

In the context of Mssr. Sendak's latest work, we can say with utter certainty that Santorum, 'will never turn 10.'

That would imply a level of gravitas that will forever remain beyond the reach of that juvenile wretch.

Jukesgrrl September 22, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Thanks for the tip. I'll check this out online.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 9:52 pm

…you don’t let things like that happen in your business that have an impact on the country.”

Isn't that just precious? You know, Santorum thinking he has any kind of influence on the nation, anymore, bless his heart. Now, off to to go google me some Santorum…

Chillwaver September 20, 2011 at 9:54 pm

The Internet: Information goes in, memes come out. You can't explain it.

anniegetyerfun September 21, 2011 at 1:18 am

Never a miscommunication.

chascates September 20, 2011 at 10:01 pm

It might help if he stopped acting like a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter.

OutsideAgitator September 20, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Think for a moment how Rick Santorum and Marcus Bachmann and millions of loyal conservatives spend their time. Over and above all other real world problems, they are obsessing day and night about the mechanics of gay sex as the most important issue in the world. They are so jealous of anyone who is actually getting laid and not being struck down with tormented guilt immediately afterward. The classic Christian response to the idea that someone, somewhere is actually enjoying himself or herself is anger, followed by deep resentment. And how about the classic psychological theory: those who are the most threatened by gay people may well be overcompensating while actively struggling with their own sexual identity.

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 10:17 pm

anger, followed by deep resentment.

Um, you forgot the 'vicious public attacks' phase that comes next. Easy mistake.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:52 pm

When that miserable little prick tries to reduce all those loving, committed, multiple-decade relationships my friends have by likening them to "man-on-dog" encounters, he deserves all the mockery we can possibly generate.

user-of-owls September 21, 2011 at 12:09 am

He in fact 'deserves' a great deal more for what he's done and tried to do. But, for now, mockery is a rather satisfying substitute for moral justice, no?

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 1:03 am

Si! We are not in the moral-justice-dispensing business, believing that to be located in either a higher power or a collective societal contract.

However, we are definitely, and delightfully, in the mockery-dispensing business. Have at it, and devil take the hindmost! (How appropriate!)

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:50 am

If you ever saw Rick dressed up for one of his Knights of Malta ceremonies, you wouldn't think he was repressed. You'd think he was working on being the next Elton John.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 1:05 am

Dan Savage has the latest Taiwanese animation clip up there, with Li'l Ricky prancing about fully costumed.

Up where, you ask? Why, at spreadingsantorum.com, where else? Google "santorum," and you'll see. (not to mention, you'll make Dan Savage and the rest of Queer Nation pretty damn happy.)

BTWBFDIMHO September 20, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Pray the Google away.
Hey Rick, try Bing instead!

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Someone should tell him that. Why is he appealing to man (Google) when he can call on God?

fuflans September 20, 2011 at 10:10 pm

schadenfreude may be a small mean thing but it's also a funny funny thing.

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:51 am

And my hobby.

JoshuaNorton September 20, 2011 at 10:24 pm

happen in your business that have an impact on the country

Isn't getting your "business" impacted what started this whole megillah in the first place?

anniegetyerfun September 20, 2011 at 10:25 pm

I was going to ask if Rick had the same issue with Bing, and then I realized that it wouldn't matter.

raygotaway September 20, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Poor Rick. I feel for him. What can we do to help him out?
I know . . . . I think I'll just skip on over to the Google . . . .
Santorum, Santorum, Santorum, Santorum, Santorum

elviouslyqueer September 20, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Oh Jesus. Fine, allow me…

Dear Rick:

You obviously haven't taken any of my advice from previous posts, so I'll keep this short. You, sir, are a smarmy smegma-encrusted self-absorbed homophobic closet case. I would tell you to fuck yourself, but that's obviously the only action you've gotten in the last 15 years outside of furiously masturbating to Dan Savage's Facebook page. So I'd advise you to do something closer to your heart and your Google namesake: eat shit and die, you pathetic motherfucker.

EQ

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 11:54 pm

You put that so well.

user-of-owls September 21, 2011 at 12:07 am

Come on EQ, quit being so oblique and vague. Tell us how you really feel already!

p.s. As to your advice? Was it really necessary to force poor, guiltless poop into the equation? I mean, the latter half? Fine and dandy. But demanding that dung, which has nothing to do with Santorum's parade of awfulness, allow itself to be chewed by that childish monster, well, that's just not right.

ProudLibunatic September 21, 2011 at 1:01 am

I hate this piece of shit with the white hot heat of a million fiery suns.
Thank you, Elvis.

anniegetyerfun September 21, 2011 at 1:19 am

Wait, is Dan's FB page something I need to check out?

Tundra Grifter September 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Karma can be a fickle bitch.

Just thought you'd want to know.

BTWBFDIMHO September 20, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Don't worry Rick, I am sure God has one Invisible Hand in the economic problem and the other one trying to fix your frothy one.

Radiotherapy® September 20, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Welcome to 2011, Rick.
And, you know who else tried to manipulate the cyber airwaves? That's right, my door into the Wonkette.

Warpde September 20, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Rick, Rick, Rick……
Your going about this the wrong way. You want to solve your GQQGLE problem
just change your last name. Something like, I don't know.
Oh! I know, how about Dick?
Rick Dick.
Gotta nice ring to it and think of the possibilities,
"Vote Dick for President" or
"Support Dick" or you could even have "I Love Dick" T-Shirts.
I'm sure there are more.

Barrelhse September 20, 2011 at 11:49 pm

"Suckmy for President"

JoshuaNorton September 20, 2011 at 11:42 pm

There are a lot of people out there named Santorum.

Or, at least, a name that sounds like Santorum.

Also. Santorum.

h/t TBogg

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 1:07 am

Goodness, I keep getting the oddest little splash of a logo whenever I click that.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard September 20, 2011 at 11:42 pm

See, Rick, when you stir up hatred you risk being tarred by your own brush. At least I hope that's tar, cos you definitely got some on you.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 1:07 am

Someone should have told Li'l Ricky about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, and so on.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard September 21, 2011 at 8:46 am

Pssht, that sounds like something a Marxist would say. I'm pretty sure his spiritual leanings are more along the lines of 'win, cheat or quit, never lose.'

Comrade Wingtard September 20, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Dan Savage, thank you so much. God, thank you.

Schmegeg September 21, 2011 at 12:07 am

It is a shame that it is almost time to say goodbye to Rick Santorum. Maybe we could send him to entertain the troops.

chicken_thief September 21, 2011 at 12:39 am

WTF the troops ever done to deserve that?!!

SheriffRoscoe September 21, 2011 at 12:19 am

I suspect teh google could eradicate world hunger, too, if only they would strike that awful term from their website. What other things might we see Google do, to make the world a better place?

chicken_thief September 21, 2011 at 12:41 am

Tell 'em to get rid of "enhanced interrogation" for me while they are cleaning Santorum from the nooks and cranies. Thanks.

~ Dick Cheney

user-of-owls September 21, 2011 at 2:04 am

Well, they could cure HIV/AIDS. That would be kinda fun in a deliciously ironic way.

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:53 am

I'm sure Rick's many children ARE mortified — or would be if they attended school more than ten feet away from Mommy. Perhaps they should consider a name change. I'd like to suggest Dildo. It's easy to spell and sounds kind of Italian-American.

Radiotherapy® September 21, 2011 at 3:04 am

They are big on the pasta fagiolini.

WilliamHTaft September 21, 2011 at 1:03 am

The Republican Achilles Heel is a total lack of a sense of humor. Santorum is utterly incapable of fighting back. He can only walk away, or get angrier and make everyone laugh even harder.

I almost feel bad for the guy. Then I think, maybe we should all be more comfortable publicly shaming people when they're acting like huge assholes. Barry needs to start having weekly Correspondent's Dinner Roasts. Republicans have no way to defend themselves against humor. Watch the 1/2 Hour News Hour if you need proof.

anniegetyerfun September 21, 2011 at 1:14 am

What is happening to Rick Santorum isn't funny, you guys. It's not fair, because it can influence the outcome of an election, and affect the country. Not like, say, purposely informing voters in a Democratic district to show up to vote on the wrong day, or trying to prevent poor and minority voters from getting to the polls.

Radiotherapy® September 21, 2011 at 3:07 am

I've got to get used to your new avatar.

anniegetyerfun September 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

Yeah, it's taking me some time, too.

emmelemm September 21, 2011 at 2:32 pm

What is your new avatar, btw?

Callyson September 21, 2011 at 1:37 am

Better not let Ricky see this or he'll really go postal with conspiracy theories (it's a bit old but still):
Google Inc. employees took out their wallets and showed overwhelming support for the Democratic Party last year, according to a report Monday in USA Today.
A USA Today campaign finance analysis found that, of the company's overall political contributions, 98 percent went to Democrats, the biggest share among top tech donors. http://money.cnn.com/2005/02/14/technology/google

bflrtsplk September 21, 2011 at 4:03 am

Ricky's sore because Pickles is the sicky sweet kind and he prefers the sour ones.

Poindexter718 September 21, 2011 at 6:37 am

Santorum is being smeared all over the Interwebs and Google ought to clean it up.

mumbly_joe September 21, 2011 at 7:30 am

Santorum is tired of all these smears and all this muck-slinging. He will not let this stain on his good name stand, because it may very well taint his electoral chances.

ttommyunger September 21, 2011 at 7:43 am

It is a travesty in a way: "Santorum" is Latin for "Public Lavatory", I believe. At least that's what Senator John Kerry said. In fact, that's the only thing John Kerry has ever said that I can actually remember. Hee, hee!

Dr_pangloss September 21, 2011 at 7:45 am

Free Market Bitches!

BaldarTFlagass September 21, 2011 at 7:45 am

It's really funny when bad shit happens to other people. AHAHAHAHAHA!
Especially when they deserve it. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Redhead September 21, 2011 at 8:10 am

Hmmm, guess Santorum didn't want to leave his name and reputation to the magical hand of the free (internets) markets! But they solve everything! Somehow, asking for regulatory intervention of the free (internets) markets just seems so…. what's the word I'm looking for?

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Frothy?

Terry September 21, 2011 at 8:58 am

One of the many differences between Joe Biden and Rick Santorum is that Biden apparently enjoys the humor poked at him. I would bet you a nickle that somewhere at home, he's got that photo the Onion ginned up of him where it looks like he's shirtless and washing a Trans-Am in the driveway of the White House.

mrblifil September 21, 2011 at 8:59 am

Ha! I'll bet he thinks Facebook is complicit in Dan Savage having a higher number of "friends."

KeepFnThatChicken September 21, 2011 at 9:15 am

Santorum just happens to be the unlucky one, because he just had to "defend marriage" — and do a shitty job of putting his argument together. Godwin, Poe and Streisand, comparatively, got off light.

James Michael Curley September 21, 2011 at 9:16 am

I always thought Google was a stupid name for a search site. I would have called it James Michael Curley's Garage since everything is in there and just as difficult to find.

genxr September 21, 2011 at 9:53 am

It's a simple algorithm Rick. The fact is, buttsecks is more popular than you are. Someday your little girl will understand that and stop crying.

KeepFnThatChicken September 21, 2011 at 10:00 am

If we elect this man, the rest of the English speaking world will suddenly stop their planking and soccer, and ask "Why did they elect a Christian with gay sex hangups and a filthy last name?"

LiveToServeYa September 21, 2011 at 10:29 am

OK, who let Santorum out of his hole?

TimWasTim September 21, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Anyone else read that headline as "Pleads in Van…"

AlaskaGrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:47 pm

You know, all these Ruthugs talk a good game of "free enterprise" and "entrepreneurship", but are horribly inept at it. If Santorum had any brains, he'd be out marketing his own brand of lube to his closeted GOPer friends.

GregComlish September 21, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Nobody's bigger victim than Sarah Palin! This article is another intolerable insult to Sarah Palin!

iburl September 21, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Foam Libel?

Nopantsmcgee September 21, 2011 at 6:36 pm

I say he change his last name to Rick 'Dirty Sanchez.' It'll work, Rick. Honest.

Barrelhse September 21, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Santorum, my ass.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 10:23 am

"Victimiest most victimized ever victim Rick “The President of Victims” Santorum"

So, it's official? We don't have to pay any attention to Silly Sarah any more?
Yay!

Jukesgrrl September 22, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Where you been, Tessiee?

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Let us all take a moment to appreciate, and reflect gratefully on, the awesomeness that is Dan Savage.

tessiee September 22, 2011 at 10:10 pm

"If you’re a responsible business, you don’t let things like that happen in your business "

So, if I'm to understand this correctly…
A business providing a search engine that allows its customers to use it for its intended purpose, i.e., to search for things at will — irresponsible.
A business that pollutes the environment, and/or treats its employees like crap, and/or moves jobs to sweatshops overseas, and/or doesn't pay taxes, and/or sells dangerous products — no problem.

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 11:45 pm

One of the birds will be watching, as well as being watched. Well, figuratively at least. All the same back-slapping in your direction. We should probably be saying, "I'm proud of us." You, and others, but you as a real-time fellow traveler, carried me through some nasty pits and there will never be enough words for the gratitude. But again, it really was in retrospect a positive feedback loop. You carry, I carry, you carry, I carry…etc. In some odd but pretty profound and lucky way, the universe…and Wonkette, of course…threw us together when it was most needed and appropriate. In other words, we're a couple of very lucky bastards.
You and the wee spud are going to have yourselves a wonderful adventure this weekend…one that will stick in your and her memories for a lifetime. Don't forget to check the trees, you never know who might be there watching and smiling.

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 12:34 am

All the best to both you and Owls. Keep on keepin' on.

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Thanks cat. Even if our species are generally not known as close friends, you've demonstrated nicely how that doesn't always have to be the case. Thanks again.

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 11:50 pm

That means a lot to me, Jah. It means an awful lot. Thanks from my pounding little avian heart.

Oh, and we need to talk about your auspiciously timed name change. Subtle but powerful messaging or psychic powers? The people need to know!

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Newt, that's an extremely kind and very heartwarming thing to say. You are emblematic of some of the extraordinary decency and humanity that populates this place. Don't alter a thing about your generous heart. The amphibian thing, well that's totally your call.

user-of-owls September 20, 2011 at 11:57 pm

To briefly appropriate the name of my dearest rasta friend, it's Day 51 of Spurning Beers. And Wines. And Vodkas. And cetera.
So now you know what you were blithely kind in extending your good wishes! Thanks Pris!

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 12:06 am

(Hugs Owls most fervently) If it brings the beloved back to the nest, then it is all for the good. You're welcome, my friend. May happiness long attend you.

KeepFnThatChicken September 21, 2011 at 9:55 am

From a person who quit smoking 689 days ago, many congratulations.

I do realize that smoking — by comparison — is merely vile and irritating (and kinda deadly in a creeping way), but this comparison is to note that "the end" turns into a more delightful occurrence with every day it moves away from you.

not that Dewey September 22, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I keep finding empty Scotch bottles lying around where apparently I had last hidden them. That's twice this week. I was cleaning out Daddy's Broke Bus, as she calls it, to prepare for the camping adventure, when I found one in the "kitchen area". And just now, I was getting the cat carriers out of the shed to clean them in advance of a dual vet visit later today, and I found another one IN THE CAT CARRIER! Man, I wuz devious and cunning, huh?

not that Dewey September 21, 2011 at 12:46 am

What're we gonna call it? Malice in Wonderland is already taken.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 1:43 am

I have to admit, Rick Santorum looks most fetching as the victim of a bondage fantasy. BRB.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 1:45 am

I got nuthin' right now. But if you think of anything, I'm open.

user-of-owls September 21, 2011 at 1:55 am

Thanks muchly Jukes!

(JUKES: An ancient Mesopotamian deity whose name roughly translates as "She Who Rocks" or alternately "Grrl Who Brings Music.")

not that Dewey September 21, 2011 at 8:18 am

Thanks, Jukes. You were there from the beginning, giving me a much-needed ass-kicking and a push in the right direction.

Call me sentimental, but I saved all those intensedebate notification emails I got that weekend, and someday, dog forbid, if Wonket [sniff!] is no longer with us, I will pull up those emails and be reminded of that great human pyramid of encouragement that was formed that day, and all my wonderful pseudonymous friends who made it happen.

Doktor Zoom September 21, 2011 at 9:25 am

When you stare into the Owls, the Owls stare back?

(Also: Huzzah!)

not that Dewey September 21, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Here she is, Luvin the Bunnies:
https://picasaweb.google.com/jfkrone/Sep212011?au

And here we are, Waitin for the Parade:
https://picasaweb.google.com/jfkrone/September212

Doktor Zoom September 21, 2011 at 9:32 am

Straight Man's Burden? Land of the Loathsome? Journey to the Center of the Hurr-Durrth? Twilight of the Homophobes? The Gaytrix?

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Oh, you definitely get naming rights, Dok.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I just know I'm going to regret this and my therapist will probably be thrilled to make your acquaintance, but (takes deep breath):

Exactly what is an Assburger?

Hey, I come to the fucking Wonketz to fucking LEARN!

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2011 at 6:54 pm

You're most welcome.I joke here all the time about getting plastered, but that's all it is — a joke.I figure everyone is entitled to a generous amount of mind-altering substances in a lifetime.I just had all of mine by the time I was 28.Most of my non-pseudonymous acquaintances don't even notice I no longer indulge.They're too high to remember I was also their designated driver the last time they were loaded.

Doktor Zoom September 21, 2011 at 8:47 pm

It's from an affidavit I read in a child custody case recently. Defendant's GF opined that Plaintiff had started the kid on Concerta, which medication she felt was completely unnecessary. She contends that Plaintiff only did it because Plaintiff's new husband had a kid "who has assburgers" and takes same pills.

Pristine_ODummy September 21, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Oh sweet Christ. I'm going outside to shoot myself now, Dok. Don't want to get brains all over the walls, where the cats will just eat 'em anyway.

Thanks for everything. No, really.

not that Dewey September 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Ditto that "I fulfilled my quota by the age of 28", but then I kept going for another 14 years. Pfff. When the guys at the Meeting learned how old I was, one of them said "boy, you sure got away with it for a long time, didn't you?"

I think I'm to the point where I can joke about drinking now, too. L'Chaim!

not that Dewey September 21, 2011 at 11:24 pm

The Owls had the look of Owls that are looked at.

Doktor Zoom September 22, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Oh, don't! You might miss the new post I'm fixin' to do about the couple whose kid is named "Zepplin."

I swear I am Not Making This Up.

Pristine_ODummy September 22, 2011 at 1:34 pm

OK, how about this? I'll wait till you post, and THEN I'm going outside and FUCKING BEAT MY HEAD AGAINST A ROCK UNTIL IT ASS-PLODES.

Jesus Christ, how can the population be so fucking iggerant when we have radio, tv, and print media talking about Asperger's at least once a day?

Doktor Zoom September 22, 2011 at 2:50 pm

D'awwww!!!!! The cute, it is too much!

Doktor Zoom September 22, 2011 at 2:52 pm

On the other hand, I would not put it past most cats of my acquaintance to have a bottle of Scotch hidden away somewhere.

Or a firearm.

Doktor Zoom September 22, 2011 at 2:53 pm

They're too busy flying their Zeppelins?

not that Dewey September 22, 2011 at 5:09 pm

They have been making mischief while I've been at work — turning lights on, moving my belongings from one room to another — but no evidence (yet) of guns or likker.

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