flotus files

Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden

That's MRS. Flotus to you...Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama’s war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country’s Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what will now murder your children with mixed greens. You might not have heard of this Darden, but this is the thing that owns Olive Garden and Red Lobster, the restaurants that revolutionized the obesity epidemic by taking the ideas behind the fast food diabetes factories we all came to love, adding a tablecloth and silverware, and charging a few extra dollars for the same increased blood pressure. The Never Ending Pasta Bowl is American innovation at its best, so why doesn’t Michelle Obama want to Win the Future, through sheer body mass?

On Thursday, our FLOTUS made an appearance as the Orlando, Florida-based (ha ha, of course) Darden announced that it would do some things to maybe make children’s menus slightly less toxic. Children are crying all across America, because next time they go to Olive Garden, they will be given “sides of fruit or vegetables and 1 percent milk unless an adult requests a substitute. Sodas and fries will not be listed on the menus, but in most cases can be requested.” But what about Freedom?

Darden Restaurants CEO Clarence Otis smiled for the cameras last week with First Lady Michelle Obama, who has campaigned against childhood obesity, as he unveiled Darden’s plan to reduce calories and salt by 20 percent over the next 10 years.

Almost immediately, posts on the Facebook fan pages for Olive Garden and Red Lobster took on the vitriolic tone that is all too common in politics today.

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“I LOVE Red Lobster, but if you follow the plan of Michelle Obama I will not be eating at your restaurant ever again,” wrote one poster. “… I will not have my food choices dictated to me by food dictators like Michelle Obama.”

“You should be ashamed,” said another. “The government does not know best. Americans and the free markets do. My contribution to the free market economy of the USA will be to never eat at an Olive Garden restaurant again.”

Oh! We see what you did there, Michelle Obama. You have encouraged a restaurant chain to adopt barely noticeable menu changes, forcing this country’s slobs to boycott their own disgusting slob habits, which they are doing to “send a message.” You are one clever FLOTUS, and we like it. [Orlando Sentinel]

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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333 comments

  1. Barb

    Dead Lobster, for the seafood killer in you.*

    *this will only be understood by those, like me, who have shellfish allergies.

    1. baconzgood

      I'm sorry to hear that. I love shell fish not only because it's tasty-wasty but I like to pretend that I'm a giant on an alien world eating strange monsters when I getting my feed bag on. + there aren't enough foods where you need a hammer to eat in my opinion.

        1. baconzgood

          It's fufilling to say the least. I even make noises and little voices that go "Noooooooo". You can get away with that in fancy places as long as you remember to tip 22%.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            Since this household comprises folks who like to do the same sort of thing, we try to restrict our dining adventures to the home, where no one can be disturbed by them.

            (Ever get the fried amaebi heads in a sushi restaurant? Those are good for some fun.)

          2. Pristine_ODummy

            Dood, where's your sense of adventure? You gotta get all wild and crazy with that shit, or it's not worth doing at all, yaknow?

    2. Pristine_ODummy

      So sad, Barb! I'll bet Pawleen likes shellfish just fine. But srsly, it's a cruel tragedy that you have to miss out on one of the most wonderful things that ever evolved as human fud.

      1. Barb

        I experienced shellfish for a while before the allergy kicked in. I would love to have some scallops and king crab.

        1. not that Dewey

          I have a friend who used to be a fishmonger in Albuquerque (I know, right?). He was more than happy to tell me which Sushi restaurants to avoid.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            My very dear ntD, promise you'll go wiv me when I traipse through the southern lands. The last time I went, I like to about died from what I ate there. Although there was a lovely restaurant, what was it called? Mexicali Rose? Driving out of Tucson, Arizona. I forget. Anywho. Mostly, it is to die from what they callz fud.

    1. Arken

      Yes, well, as much as we all love eating the kale and buckwheat pita wrap at the feminist vegan collective, sometimes you want a nice big bowl of delicious, meaty carbs.

      1. SorosBot

        Or you can get a bunch of delicious meaty carbs that's actually been cooked well from a good local restaurant instead of shitty national chains.

        1. finallyhappy

          The shitty is literal- quite often- based on the amount of illness/food poisoning after eating at restaurants.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Thanks to my in-laws, I've been at (one each) Red Lobster and Olive Garden. They are remarkable for their bland American not-horribleness. Why anyone would choose such a place over something that's kind of interesting, I don't know, but there they are.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        You assume there's something interesting to be had. Especially if you have kids who, no matter what you try, won't fucking eat the kale salad with homemade vinegarette and a sensible portion of salmon (or anything more exotic than some variant of ground meat, starch, salt and fat).

        Personally, I get stuck in a lot more Chili's and Appleby's than Red Lobsters or Olive Gardens, but it is all the same pile of crap along with the TGI Garbage and chain steak houses of the world. In fact, in Springfield they have a Chili's tucked between a Lone Star and an Olive Garden. It's a hat trick of craptastic, and from what I can tell that's the high point of restaurant row in 98+ percent of America.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            I got one who will eat most things but has weird hangups (like hamburger is always better than steak weird) and one who is just a world class picky eater. We've done everything permitted by modern conventions (mainly positive reinforcement, but I've threatened to take away her hamsters on more than one occassion) to get her to eat a broader range of foods and it just doesn't work – she's gonna do what she wants. We could, I suppose, gavage her with veggies like a French goose, but there are all these pesky laws against that sort of thing these days.

          2. Pristine_ODummy

            I know that look. Later, she said "DAAAAAAAAAAD!" and rolled her eyes, like, hakam you Oldz are alwayz photographing on us? Lame Oldz.

          3. Lascauxcaveman

            Naw, the jellyfish and the photo thereof were both her idea. I think she's just thinking, "I'm in NYC, so I'm gonna eat something exotic, dammit!"

            Also to impress/disgust her friends. (To their credit, most of them tried a bite.)

          4. Pristine_ODummy

            Hey, wow, you raised her right! I remember getting the youngest stepkid geared up for a trip to Bali. "But do they have MacDonalds'? How about Coke, do they have Coke? 'Cos I'm not eathing none a that weird shit, OK?" Fortunately, he proved to be a hardy little soul and came home singing the praises of Nasi Goreng.

          5. finallyhappy

            Mine have been somewhat adventurous- more my son until my daughter spent time in Hong Kong- eating with the locals. UMMM, chicken heads!

      2. Pristine_ODummy

        Why multiculti is so good for ya — when you have restaurants serving kai juk (Chinese rice-porridge with chicken, hold the 100-y.o. eggs), donburi, bibimbap, sushi rolls, rice bowls, and the like, you can ALWAYS find something for the kiddies while getting yourself something decent and edible.

        Just in the past month, two friends have been diagnosed with diabetes. Maybe it's time to say goodbye to refined carbs.

      1. chicken_thief

        But do those "excellent restaurants" have wine selections to match the array of fine Gallo, Cavit, and Sutter Home offerings at the Olive Garden?!!! Of course I usually wash down my Penna Vodka with a Bud, but my wife goes all fancy sometimes.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I'm betting they have "wine product." (A horror I just learned about from a guest who felt a last-second obligation to bring a bottle, and grabbed it at the supermarket.)

        2. Pristine_ODummy

          Being as I am a cheap bastard who believes in getting value for my penny, I almost never order wine at a restaurant, prefering to bring my own. Corkage is usually around $10-$20, and instead of paying $50 for a bottle that's, at best, worth $15, you can dig up something really tasty for like $15-$40. Pretty much, if you want good value you have to know the restaurauteur and they have to also not be a cheap bastard, which, I mean, come on. Doesn't happen any more.

    3. LettucePrey

      Keep up the good fight, Ms. FLOTUS. As an Eye-talian, I am deeply offended that the Olive Garden even exists. Can she move on to the Jersey Shore next?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        But they told us it was OK to just let them die. What to do, what to do… I hate these moral dilemmas. (I can see why people just ditch the whole conscience thing and turn Republican.)

  2. SorosBot

    "I LOVE Red Lobster"

    That pretty much says all you need to know about how culturally backwards the average teabagger is.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      An aberrational love of Red Lobster is one way in which the TP crowd and the more "urban" crowd actually see eye to eye. At the same time, of course, the TP folks would never go the same Red Lobster as "those people."

      Oh, and Sizzler. Gotta have the garlic toast at the Sizzler.

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        Wow. I have never eaten at any of these places, not because I'm a snob, but because I did not grow up eating that kind of food, so it's not inherently interesting enough to me to make me drag my ass out of the house in search thereof. Plus, having been married to several excellent cooks (serially, not polygamously), I'm a decent cook myself, and have no trouble putting together bland American versions of food.

        I feel like I have been terribly, terribly deprived. (Googles nearest Red Lobster)

        1. chicken_thief

          What I love about Red Lobsters is that they are easy to find and usually within a mile of a good restaurant.

          1. SorosBot

            Depending on where it is; try driving up the portion of Roosevelt Boulevard in Northeast Philly, home of many urban equivalents of rednecks, and it's nothing but strip malls with chain restaurants, including at least one Red Lobster, as far as the eye can see.

          2. finallyhappy

            And the Olive Garden is there- near Grant and the Boulevard!
            Maybe in the past 10(?) years, I found a number of Indian restaurants there(but maybe farther away- in Bensalem?)

        2. sunmusing

          I grew up on Cape Cod. We had some of the best sea food we could wrangle. My uncles always had lobster pots, and at low tide, we would dig CLAMS galore. Mom made the best clam chowder. Now, I must say, in Colorado we are devoid of any sort of sea food other than smallish crayfish. My buddies think catching a 12 pound fish is a big deal, well it is, if you haven't latched onto a 40lb blue. I can't even enjoy the frozen stuff that passes for sea food here. I now have settle for those itty bitty trout. It's a right wing conspiracy I tell ya.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            Man, you're just making me all jealous and stuff. I grew up on the coast, and there is nothing like fresh seafood.

          2. sunmusing

            I haven't been back “home” in a few years. But I think maybe next summer. I can hear the clams shaking in their shells now. I talked to mom the other day and they just had a Red Tide. It takes a while for the area to recover.

          3. Pristine_ODummy

            Yay! Clambake!

            Safe journey, happy travel, and may the clams fall willingly into your maw! (I know it's a year away, but hey, I believe in celebrating every little thing because ya never know.)

      2. Negropolis

        You know, it's a mostly-true stereotype. Red Lobster is where us "urbans" have our birthdays, anniversaries, graduation dinners, etc…Oliver Garden, Applebees and the rest? Not so much. But, we've always been a seafood people when we could get it. You don't eat fish, shrimp, and the rest in our community, and you're looked upon as strange. lol

        We don't like Red Lobster because it's particularly good seafood, but because it's just one of our many options for seafood.

      3. mumbly_joe

        Does Sizzler still exist, even? I have many fond neutral childhood memories of the erstwhile Sizzler near my parts, and most importantly, it's salad bar, because my family was all poors.

        (even in the Land of Limosene Liberalism, as Westcheter has sometimes been called (by Salon!), it's still suburbia and so you are constantly a few miles away from sad strip malls and Walmarts, no matter where you go)

    1. BarryOPotter

      …American exceptionalism means a people who will rule the world by consuming all the available food

      Haha! Jokes on you! That's not food you've been shoveling into yer gaping maws!

  3. OC_Surf_Serf

    Sodas and fries will not be listed on the menus

    But the infinite calorie 5 cheese super pasta death bowls are just 8.99

  4. An_Outhouse

    Luckily the food dictator has not conquered that upscale provider of gourmet vittles known as 7-11. The free market still provides over cooked nitrate laced hot dogs and plenty of Cheetos for the connoisseurs of saturated fats and Rush Limpballs.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I knew someone would defend the only thing at RL that isn't typically rubbery and bland. Of course, I am pretty sure that the only reason the biscuits are such a highlight is because the rest of the menu is such a pile of shit.

      You can make a decent cheddar bay biscuit from a mix, you know? And that way you get a whole pile for yourself.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          That's the American way – arranging for someone else to do X, where X is something approximating labor.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            Although "convenience" stuff certainly dominates OUR lives, I can remember when people took pride in doing those sort of things themselves. My father refused to eat anything that wasn't cooked at home because he grew up on home-cooked food. Since my mother was an atrociously bad cook (everything simultaneously raw AND burned), he learned to cook, and did a pretty decent job of feeding the children. Grandma refused to have plumbing and power put in, because she said it made you lazy. Right up into her 90s, she was chopping wood for her own stove and fetching water in buckets from the river until the family finally staged an intervention.

          2. Pristine_ODummy

            Yes, street food was a huge thing in early China. In fact, there's a wonderful novel called Rickshaw (Luo Tuo-Xiangzi) that describes life, and street food, of that time.

      1. Polythene_Pam

        You can also make a decent cheddar biscuit from about 5 ingredients. Maybe 6, if you want garlic, too. Takes about 15 minutes, including the baking

          1. El Pinche

            Like fuckin. I'm with you man. I'm on Team Red Lobster Cheese Bisquit. Forget these damn bakers and their spare time and penchant for handling confectioners sugar or whatever.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          I was trying to avoid the obvious "I can't bake" argument. Biscuits and muffins are about the easiest things in the world to make – which is why everyone and their cousin can open a cupcake shop (made using the "muffin method"), but you can't convince some people.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            I don't enjoy baking (although I really enjoy cooking), but my solution was to stop eating baked goods. I can't say it's been bad for my health, neither.

            I think you have to be far more precise with baking than you do with cooking, and I grew up watching my Dad cook. His recipes were always "Two of this plus a handful of that and then just shake some of this in and chop up some of those, stir, add salt, taste." It means I'm a lazy baker when I make the effort, and then, of course, things don't come out right. I notice that the more engineering-minded seem to really enjoy cooking technique, including baking, much more. Part of the enjoyment is the precision and the physics involved, I suspect.

          2. BerkeleyBear

            You are absolutely right that baking is generally much more precise than cooking (which is why I do more cooking than baking). But the muffin method (basically mix wet and dry ingredients seperately, then add former to latter and stir just until incorporated, is about as easy as baking gets. You do have to measure, but it isn't like making yeast dough or baking baguettes.

          3. BerkeleyBear

            Look up Alton Brown's myriad takes on it at foodnetwork.com. I happen to have been given all his cookbooks, so I'm biased, but I find him about the best thing going at demystifying all things cuisine oriented.

          4. not that Dewey

            which is why everyone and their cousin can open a cupcake shop

            and apparently get their own show about it on TLC.

          5. BerkeleyBear

            Yep. You can just guess what the people who spent 2 years of their lives getting a Baking & Pastry certificate at a culinary school (avg price 20k per year) think about the rise of non-bakers squeezing them out with what are 1950s chiffon cupcakes (the secret is a load of vegetable oil – yum).

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      Any excuse will do, dood!

      Sorry to hear things are going badly for you, though. Don't you have a knee problem just like mine?

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          Well, I'll tell ya, I'm working on dropping the weight. It really seems to help. (Getting drunk also, but that's a tad more expensive, not to mention worse for the health.) Saw the surgeon last week and he said to exercise and build up the muscles around the knee. That's what I'm working on right now.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that. I have a lot of pain myself, and I try to ignore it or keep it under control with the Noble Herb. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Alcohol actually does seem to make it worse, I'm not sure why and none of my surgeons/doctors have been able to tell me.

            If you want to discuss this offline, please write me anytime at the political cat (oneword) at gmail dot com. It worries me that you're depressed and sinking — I hope that isn't true, or is just reflective of a particular day or mood. Best of luck and health, my friend!

  5. MildMidwesterner

    I will remain happy as long as I can still bypass the Olive Garden's pasta and just get a steaming bowl of alfredo sauce.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Or, failing that, just to get the Olive Garden in-house cardiac surgeon to coat my arteries with crazy glue. Saves time.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Heck, you don't need to go as fancy as that. If you are still in the MW, your local McDonald's probably has the "cup of gravy" on the breakfast menu. Sure, it's intended as a side to go with their not so great biscuit, but they won't mind if you just plunge a straw into it and go to town.

      1. finallyhappy

        I once baked a large batch of chicken for a shelter. One woman did not want the chicken- but asked me for the "gravy"(it was chicken grease!!!!)

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You want the UNLIMITED bowl of Alfredo sauce. With extra cheese. (Be sure to wash it down with 1% milk, for health.)

      1. proudgrampa

        "…wash it down with 1% milk, for health."

        Reminds me of the people who go to Wendy's and order the Triple Cheeseburger, Supersize Fries and Diet Coke.

    1. Pristine_ODummy

      I wish it were possible to put all chubby Americans on a really tough diet (1200 cal/day) and teleport the vast quantities of food produced in this country directly to the starving masses of Africa and Asia. OK, they'd be kinda unhealthy for a while, but at least they wouldn't be starving.

  6. Goonemeritus

    Anyone that loves Olive Garden or Red Lobster has forfeited the right to have their opinion taken seriously.

    1. LiveToServeYa

      Ohhh, I read that as 'have their onion taken seriously' and I was about to agree. The Onion should never be taken seriously. Actually, come to think of it, 'Opinion' is just 'Onion' and 'Pi', and we all love pi.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Anyone that loves Olive Garden or Red Lobster has forfeited the right to have their opinion taken seriously."

      Now, why can't we apply this reasoning to anyone who loves Rick Perry's candidacy? "Sorry ma'am, but you're too dumb to vote. It was your civic duty to try, and we do appreciate your patriotism."

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        So, Biely, is there some way we can put you in charge of vetting voters? Because, you know, that would be the most excellent test.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      Trouble is they die slowly that way, and hog all the Medicare payments on their long, slow trek to the graveyard. Smoking is a much more effective Darwinian herd-thinner.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          And a state 85 mph speed limit (which you start enforcing at 95 or 100.) Two-ton SUVs moving at those speeds thin the herd even faster than lethal injections!

    2. MrFizzy

      The trouble is, before they die they contract diabetes and heart disease, and then want evil government Medicaid to pay for their treatment.

      1. gullywompr

        No problem, just prescribe a large portion of Olive Garden for those folks as their treatment – we can issue a special kind of food stamps for them. Should speed things up.

    1. flamingpdog

      Aha, all caps! So you're the Governor Scott Wanker-paid troll that Baconz said was posting on Wonkette!

  7. Beowoof

    I guess I should go Olive Garden to support them with the bagger loss. I am sure they will make less money on me as I will order the soup and salad, no breadsticks. Salad has to cost more than Cheese Food Pasta bowls.

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        Mmmm, Thai food. Heavenly.

        You got lots of Vietnamese restaurants up where you live too, don't you, Lascaux?

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    I just got back from a week's vacation in Wisconsin. Man, you should have seen all the white people!!! They have a food up there that is so popular I am surprised it hasn't been exported to the rest of the country, called "cheese curds." I never saw a nutrition sheet, but it just sounds scary. Also available in fried.

    Cognitive dissonance of the week for me was a pickup truck with both a McCain-Palin 2008 bumper sticker and a "Recall Walker" one. WTF?

    1. Chichikovovich

      In Canada, cheese curds are known as a healthy alternative to poutine, which is French fries mixed with melted cheese curds and covered in beef gravy. To burn off the calories of one serving takes five hockey games or 600 ends of curling. (1200 if you use the pansy European push-brooms instead of the corn brooms that were used back in the day when curlers were men. Relatively speaking.)

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        I have yet to taste this putain of which you speak. Oh, you said poutine. Right. Never mind, then.

        1. chicken_thief

          I'm with you, Pristine. This poutine is too close to poontang, which I know I would fuck up and say if I ever tried to order poonta…I mean, poutine.

        2. flamingpdog

          And poutine is just a little too close to Putin for me. If I ever slipped up at teh restaurant and said I'd like to eat Putin for dinner…

    2. lamorenabruja

      Admittedly, cheese curds sound like some fresh hell, but they taste GOOD. They are also on poutine, which sounds like…well…anyway, I thank the Canadians for more than a few things, but this poutine business is in the top 5.

      1. finallyhappy

        I had cheese curds the first time at Cornell University Dairy but my first fried curds were in Eau Claire, WI. And those were the only two times I ate those things

    3. Weenus299

      I love Wisconsin — in the summertime. The ones who aren't fat are running and biking and hiking all over the place becasue they know they can't do that during the winters. The ones who can't just sit there on their driveway patios and blather on about stuff and things while the brats are going and yeah, cheese curds. I can live without them for a very long time. They give me the shits like you would not believe.

    4. LiveToServeYa

      Well, Little Miss Muppet spoke highly of them, including something called 'whey', but then Kermit said something stupid and she punched the little green curds right out of him.

    5. horsedreamer_1

      Clearly, the driver of the vehicle is one of Tweety's favourites, the salt-of-the-earth blue-collar white church-going voter, who always supports the GOP because the Dems are the party of "acid, amnesty, & abortion". Those voters just always have assumed the GOP masters wouldn't actually go thru with the anti-worker agenda, for the reason of whiteness, & then got a cruel wake-up call from Scooter & (News) Anchor Lt. Gov.

    6. Pristine_ODummy

      Not to be … difficult, or anything, but why on earth would you vacation in WI? Was it for the political climate, or what?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Meh, never been there. Free place to stay at the homes of a couple different colleagues from Kabul days. Plus, it's been over 100 degrees down in Texas for like, forever, and a little cool-down was welcome. Madison is a blast, as well. Saw the 24-7 Recallers out front of the capitol, got super-hammered with all the college kids too.

    7. Fuck Toad

      Cheese curds don't last very long, even refrigerated, so they'll never be big outside major dairy regions. Even a day or two of refrigerated travel and they're just bland, rubbery cheese.

      And they're not worse for you than any other cheese, really.

  9. widestanceshakedown

    Did the founding children die of starvation so that our kids have to eat mixed greens and not the freshly extruded HFCS/lard/salt paste technology has rendered into fun food shapes and colors?

    I think not.

  10. Goonemeritus

    You know what the definition of irony is its when knuckle scraping reactionary douche bags decide to boycott GM the same year they bring back the Camaro. When was the last time you met a progressive with an IROC.

    1. BarryOPotter

      So what you're saying is the free market benefits about 1/3 of us because the other 2/3 buy our shit and make us rich. That 1/3 seems a bit high, but if that's the number, well, we're just going to have to bring that down some…

  11. hollywooddood

    Oh, bullshit. I'm reserving my right as an American citizen to be morbidly obese with diabetes and heart disease.

  12. Neilist_Returns

    Michelle Obama?!?

    Nope. CHUCK TESTA!

    Neilist
    Wonkette's Chuck Testa Endowed Chair of Texting & Taxidermy
    "A Meme To Replace "Benazir Bhutto is Still DEAD"?

  13. V572 T-Blow

    Next thing you know Michel²e will go after that unique St Louis delicacy, "toasted*" ravioli. Wish I had a bowl of it now, with marinara sauce on top.
    _________________________
    * = breaded and deep-fat-fried in this case.

        1. sunmusing

          Here I am, trying to lose weight and all you do is talk about food. Now that I have stopped licking my screen, can we talk about the Jobs Bill Or How we will be road kill in Texas? Hmmmm. bbq road kill.

  14. johnnyzhivago

    Over time, the teabaggers will remove themselves from the population through evolution, but it will be many, many years before the last one keels over and falls off their Hovabout.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Only if they croak BEFORE reproducing, and they start that at age 16 (judging from one well-known Alaskan clan of 'baggers.) Olive Garden needs to step up their game, big time, if they want any Darwinian cred.

  15. JustPixelz

    First they came for the soda and fries and I said nothing.

    Olive Garden® When you're here, you're family! Specifically family members who didn't show up for our wedding so now we just give 'em a feed bag full of bread and pasta then go back to watching rasslin'.

    If our children are skinny, the terrorist folks have won.

  16. GhostBuggy

    The Olive Garden Facebook page fans collectively losing their shit over this are the reason the wait staff at any restaurant where I try to order vegetables and non-fried food for my toddler have a full-on freakout. Thanks, you right-wing fucksticks, for making what should be another minor part of my life into a huge hassle. What's that, the 5,000th one for you assholes?

  17. elviouslyqueer

    “I LOVE Red Lobster, but if you follow the plan of Michelle Obama I will not be eating at your restaurant ever again,” wrote one poster. “… I will not have my food choices dictated to me by food dictators like Michelle Obama.”

    Translation: No uppity nigger woman is gonna take away my right to gorge on fat-laden cheezy biscuits and unlimited breadsticks. READ THE CONSTITUTION!!!!1!!!1111!!

  18. lamorenabruja

    Dear FLOTUS:
    You have a good–and healthy–heart. You are loved. However, please let these fat, body-gravy steeping doughballs eat until their stomachs explode, like in that movie "Se7en". Just let the trash take out itself.

  19. genxr

    Paul Ryan immediately announced that House Republicans will hold the line against any decrease in calories, and any talk of exercise is a "non-starter." As a country, we will get in shape through sound free-market principles. As we put more calories into the hands of the job-creators, our health will improve. Also, trickle-down gravy.

  20. SorosBot

    I do wonder how a company voluntarily changing their menu to be a bit healthier is against the Free Market, or how the first lady trying to convince people to, once again, voluntarily change what they eat and companies to change what they serve makes her a dictator. Or did I miss the part where Hitler politely asked the Jews if they wouldn't mind rounding themselves into concentration camps, if they wanted to?

    1. Eve8Apples

      Exactly. I don't see what is so socialist about a restaurant deciding its bottom line benefits if they don't kill their customers with a bottomless bowl of trans fat and cholesterol. The restaurant benefits when it helps customers avoid visits to their cardiologists and morticians.

  21. DaRooster

    “I LOVE Red Lobster, but if you follow the plan of Michelle Obama I will not be eating at your restaurant ever again…"

    "I will not have you lowering the salt and calorie content by a measly 2% per year… FREEDUMB!"

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Look at the bright side: on average, Red Lobster will be a slightly more pleasant place, because this dipshit customer will now be stuffing his maw at Chucky Cheese.

  22. baconzgood

    Red Lobster is to seafood what Taco Bell is to dog food. I never eat at the lop or the olive garden. In fact you could whirl a dead cat on a stick and hit a better dego joint than the Olive Garden.

    1. DahBoner

      In fact you could whirl a dead cat on a stick and hit a better dego joint than the Olive Garden

      EAST COAST!!!!

      Traditionally, the East Coast had to pay better wages to their Italian immigrants to keep them from moving out west…..

  23. Eve8Apples

    The Lobster Garden people should hire Kortney and her cucumber as spokesperson. I'm sure the teabaggers will do whatever Kortney tells them.

      1. Eve8Apples

        All they have to do is put "Kortney" and "bottomless" in the same sentence and they would have a line out the door.

        For example, "ALL YOU CAN EAT BOTTOMLESS KORTNEY menu EVERY EVENING FROM 6 TO 10 P.M." above a picture of Kortney and her cucumber.

  24. El Pinche

    "Bless us, O Lord! and our Cookie Crisps cereal and sausage griddle cakes , which we are about to receive from our blessed Jimmy Dean, through Christ our Lord and Walmart."
    Amen.

  25. powersuit

    America: where we all pay outrageous healthcare premiums so slovenly couch-spud idiots can eat pounds of grease and get someone else to pay to keep their hearts running.

  26. JimmyPete

    Honestly Red Lobster has some good lobster, but if you want to see what a TeaParty nation will be like for gourmet go to the Cat Food aisle of your big box store.

  27. finallyhappy

    These people are too lazy to boycott anything. You can't think they will go to a real Italian restaurant or a decent seafood place. If it isn't endless servings, covered in batter or drowned in dressing(that Olive garden salad is gross), these fatties won't eat it.

    1. chicken_thief

      True, MrFizzy, but Faux News will cure them of "information" and Marcus will cure them of "mandates" so your very observant and eloquently stated point is moot.

  28. prommie

    I really wish she had made suicide prevention her cause. Teatards would have been offing themselves left and right, every time she publicized the cause. "This'll show her," they would say, right before they pull the trigger, or turn on the gas, or jump from the bridge.

    1. Chichikovovich

      The seppuku epidemic among American citizens has gone on long enough! Michele has to lend her voice publicly to the prevention efforts.

  29. genxr

    "…I will not have my food choices dictated to me by food dictators…"

    That's right. You know who else wanted people to eat better?

    1. An_Outhouse

      That whiny guy from England who tried to get some school district in West Virginia to serve some of the stuff they actually grow in West Virginia? (I saw it on the T.V.)

  30. HelmutNewton

    Now if only we could convince the teabaggers that "voting" is part of the worldwide librul/communist/Muslin conspiracy and they should boycott that too. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Those dummies will fall for anything.

  31. MozakiBlocks

    I recently partook of a meal at Olive Garden whilst visiting family. First time I'd ever eaten at one. Wasn't bad.

    But Red Lobster is to seafood what the Houston Astros are to baseball.

  32. Polythene_Pam

    Where was the outrage when Laura Bush told us that we should be reading books to our children? How dare the government try to be dictators about what my children are doing?

  33. ttommyunger

    Don't like to eat out. I think I ate at OG one time many years ago, very forgettable. Red Gobster, now that's a different story: wifey's fav. Threw my 70th BD surprise party there. I fucking hate it, but then I wear the same 32" waist Levis (501's) I wore in High School and she is North of 300 pounds. No lessons here, folks, just move along…

    1. proudgrampa

      I would say that it's more likely your genes have something to do with your jeans…

      (32" high school. 48" today. *sigh*)

      1. ttommyunger

        You would be mistaken. I have a vicious weight problem. I am hungry most waking hours and am totally committed to an ongoing exercise and diet regimen. Dad was the same way, he got up near 250 (@5-10″) before Air Force threatened to kick his fat ass to the curb. He fought his weight problem (and won) the last 40 years of his life and died at 84 of stomach cancer.

          1. ttommyunger

            Thank you! Especially since I love biscuits, gravy, mashed potatoes, ham, bacon and all the things I can't have. Not to mention living with a Georgia Girl who eats like a bird (twice her weight daily).

  34. Callyson

    JFC, I wonder what they would say if Michelle had decided to follow Nancy Reagan and promote an anti – drug agenda instead. I can hear it now: “… I will not have my drug choices dictated to me by food dictators like Michelle Obama.”
    Idiots.

  35. Redhead

    “The government does not know best. Americans and the free markets do."

    Exactly. That's why too MUCH government regulation – not too LITTLE, and certainly not the free markets – caused the housing market collapse.

  36. DashboardBuddha

    Ten years to reduce salt and fat?? Seriously people…it's not like we're designing a new fuel efficient engine.

  37. vulpes82

    *sigh* I hate when Red Lobster or Oliver Garden coming into the news, because you always get a big fight between the people who say, "I don't care, I need those cheddar biscuits!" (THEY ARE LACED WITH CRACK!11!!NOMNOMNOM) and the "OMG, I would NEVER step foot in one of those plebeian restaurants! I only dine out at the Nepalese French-fusion place down the road owned by this absolutely CHARMING Native couple. But usually I cook a ten course meal of nothing but lean protein and healthy greens that my children absolutely ADORE!" people. Sorry to say, Wonketteers, we haven't broken the trend.

  38. LiveToServeYa

    Discourage sodas and fries at the Olive Garden? It's the freakin' sauce on the ravioli that will kill you deader'n a road-kill lasagna in January. Olive Garden: where I stood in tears amid the alien lard.

  39. axmxz

    You know what really undermines your God-given right to eat yourself to death? A gluten allergy. Suddenly, there is nothing left to eat but fruit, vegetables, lean meat, nuts – it's horrible. Did you know there is grain in everything? THERE IS GRAIN IN EVERYTHING!!! Sure, you can still eat fries, but you'll just be craving a cheeseburger the whole time you're chewing.

    Now if excuse me, I am off to gorge myself on carrot sticks salted with my own tears.

    1. finallyhappy

      Well, plenty of Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Indian, Salvadorean and Peruvian places but I guess they don't exist in Bumfuck, Arkansas

  40. mumbly_joe

    Is it still considered a "boycott" if I have never eaten there because they are terrible and you live someplace that is suffused with excellent and affordable actual Italian food?

  41. Steverino247

    I've had some nice meals at OG, but I do need to be careful about too much of certain items there. Most restaurants have shit on the menu you shouldn't eat too much of, but they are not responsible for what I put in my mouth anymore than Kortney is responsible for what goes in hers.

    I was recently with some folks discussing weight. One person who needed to lose about 80 pounds complained about government rules requiring calories to be listed next to the item on the menus. My response was that this is information I need to make better decisions about food. If the government didn't require it, I would have no easy way to plan meals out. Now, I can do it at a glance. Pllus, I know certain ingredients are being manipulated to make me want to eat more of it, so now I'm informed (and 95 pounds lighter).

    Oh, and I'm sure she's still gaining weight out there someplace for Freedom. Sow.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Those damned signs took all the fun out of scarfing down those apple fritters at Starbucks, and I cut way back on my intake. This is known as an "informed decision" — something that was never the strong suit of the teabagger crowd.

  42. chicken_thief

    I put my full support behind the right of our great nation's citizens to decide for themselves what to eat. God bless America!

    ~ Gov. Chris Christie

    1. flamingpdog

      I'm glad you said "full support" rather than "full weight". With the latter, MIchelle would never have a chance.

  43. GeorgiaBurning

    C'mon now, you gotta give people! It is very PC to eat at the locally produced/organic/green restaurant with the funny colored carrots, but sometimes you need to go out with the family. You need a spot that Mom likes and your brother in law (who complains how ketchup is too spicy) will tolerate. Besides, Gina Gallo has come up with some decent varietals out of those big tanks in Modesto along 99.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Mmmmm…. big jugs of Gallo Hardly Burgundy. Brings back memories!

        Mostly, I remember waking up and not remembering.

  44. imissopus

    I was just checking out the Red Lobster page on FB and there is one poster who said she's never been, it looks great but no RL's in Boston. Poor kid, we all know how hard it is to find good seafood in BOSTON, for fuck's sake.

        1. not that Dewey

          My morbid curiosity took over, too. The LA Times didn't mention all those brilliant "YOU COMMIE BASTARDS" posts, which were among my favorites.

    1. starfanglednut

      S'true. I live in Btown, and don't have a car, and thus have never been to either RL or OG. Not sure I'm missing anything. Those chain restaurants scare me cause they serve 1100 calorie salads, never mind the fuckin desserts.

    1. starfanglednut

      Hahahaha that reads like an onion article. Reality has completely jumped the shark.

      It's not like people get tons of money in food stamps. If they spent them at mcdonalds, on $7 hamburger meals, they'd use them up in a week.

  45. DahBoner

    Now, now, now!

    There's nothing wrong with an Never Ending Pasta Bowl if you're going to get up off your lazy ass and run a 100 mile marathon the next day…

  46. joespi314

    Darden Restaurants should hedge their bets…
    - Make Olive Garden the Liberal restaurant full of fruit and pictures of Michelle Obama.
    - Make RED Lobster the Conservative restaurant (get it? Red?) and provide fried butter sticks along with the bread basket. Make the logo a lobster with a big pot belly and acne.

  47. DemonicRage

    Damn! I wonder what kind of tempura grasshopper legs she munches on by the pool, when she is on one of her $6,000,000 taxpayer expense paid vacations in Spain!

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        Biely, darling, you know how those boyz get, the sight of a successful intelligent black woman just makes them so, so hot and craycray.

  48. Negropolis

    Didn't you all hear? The First Lady is black.

    You know, I wasn't ever a big fan of the president (a supporter, but not a particularly ardent fan), but you can't even measure how much I want him to win re-election, now. America needs to get this out of their system, and they'll need two terms/doses of this president to even begin to come to grips with the fact that they are just plain-ass xenophobes.

  49. Negropolis

    Red Lobster, you say? Sounds a little commie, to me…

    But, no, really; Red Lobster is good for what it is. Olive Garden on the other hand isn't even good for what it is/what it's trying to copy. It's like the Taco Bell of Italian food; it's like what Tex-Mex is to actual Mexican food.

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