FLOTUS FILES  11:37 am September 19, 2011

Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama’s war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country’s Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what will now murder your children with mixed greens. You might not have heard of this Darden, but this is the thing that owns Olive Garden and Red Lobster, the restaurants that revolutionized the obesity epidemic by taking the ideas behind the fast food diabetes factories we all came to love, adding a tablecloth and silverware, and charging a few extra dollars for the same increased blood pressure. The Never Ending Pasta Bowl is American innovation at its best, so why doesn’t Michelle Obama want to Win the Future, through sheer body mass?

On Thursday, our FLOTUS made an appearance as the Orlando, Florida-based (ha ha, of course) Darden announced that it would do some things to maybe make children’s menus slightly less toxic. Children are crying all across America, because next time they go to Olive Garden, they will be given “sides of fruit or vegetables and 1 percent milk unless an adult requests a substitute. Sodas and fries will not be listed on the menus, but in most cases can be requested.” But what about Freedom?

Darden Restaurants CEO Clarence Otis smiled for the cameras last week with First Lady Michelle Obama, who has campaigned against childhood obesity, as he unveiled Darden’s plan to reduce calories and salt by 20 percent over the next 10 years.

Almost immediately, posts on the Facebook fan pages for Olive Garden and Red Lobster took on the vitriolic tone that is all too common in politics today.

“I LOVE Red Lobster, but if you follow the plan of Michelle Obama I will not be eating at your restaurant ever again,” wrote one poster. “… I will not have my food choices dictated to me by food dictators like Michelle Obama.”

“You should be ashamed,” said another. “The government does not know best. Americans and the free markets do. My contribution to the free market economy of the USA will be to never eat at an Olive Garden restaurant again.”

Oh! We see what you did there, Michelle Obama. You have encouraged a restaurant chain to adopt barely noticeable menu changes, forcing this country’s slobs to boycott their own disgusting slob habits, which they are doing to “send a message.” You are one clever FLOTUS, and we like it. [Orlando Sentinel]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 333 comments }

Barb September 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

Dead Lobster, for the seafood killer in you.*

*this will only be understood by those, like me, who have shellfish allergies.

Neilist_Returns September 19, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Lobster?

Nope. CHUCK TESTA!

baconzgood September 19, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I'm sorry to hear that. I love shell fish not only because it's tasty-wasty but I like to pretend that I'm a giant on an alien world eating strange monsters when I getting my feed bag on. + there aren't enough foods where you need a hammer to eat in my opinion.

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Next time you find yourself on the east coast of Australia, try the bugs.

Delish, mate!

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Oh, man, that link just came back to this story. What kind bugs?

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Sorry, just wiki Moreton Bay Bugs.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

You have a *rich* fantasy life, don't you, baconz?

baconzgood September 19, 2011 at 1:41 pm

It's fufilling to say the least. I even make noises and little voices that go "Noooooooo". You can get away with that in fancy places as long as you remember to tip 22%.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Since this household comprises folks who like to do the same sort of thing, we try to restrict our dining adventures to the home, where no one can be disturbed by them.

(Ever get the fried amaebi heads in a sushi restaurant? Those are good for some fun.)

Steverino247 September 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

God?

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:04 pm

What is it, My child?

Steverino247 September 19, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Nothing. This just explains why God hates shellfish, that's all.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:30 pm

So sad, Barb! I'll bet Pawleen likes shellfish just fine. But srsly, it's a cruel tragedy that you have to miss out on one of the most wonderful things that ever evolved as human fud.

Barb September 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I experienced shellfish for a while before the allergy kicked in. I would love to have some scallops and king crab.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 10:47 pm

I could make you some scallops in green curry and king crab.

not that Dewey September 19, 2011 at 1:32 pm

No great loss. The shellfish in the desert Southwest is not that good anyway.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Now that I think of it, it's probly why she moved there.

not that Dewey September 19, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I have a friend who used to be a fishmonger in Albuquerque (I know, right?). He was more than happy to tell me which Sushi restaurants to avoid.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 10:53 pm

My very dear ntD, promise you'll go wiv me when I traipse through the southern lands. The last time I went, I like to about died from what I ate there. Although there was a lovely restaurant, what was it called? Mexicali Rose? Driving out of Tucson, Arizona. I forget. Anywho. Mostly, it is to die from what they callz fud.

OC_Surf_Serf September 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

No trick needed. Haven't ever eaten at one…

Arken September 19, 2011 at 11:48 am

Yes, well, as much as we all love eating the kale and buckwheat pita wrap at the feminist vegan collective, sometimes you want a nice big bowl of delicious, meaty carbs.

SorosBot September 19, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Or you can get a bunch of delicious meaty carbs that's actually been cooked well from a good local restaurant instead of shitty national chains.

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

The shitty is literal- quite often- based on the amount of illness/food poisoning after eating at restaurants.

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Thanks to my in-laws, I've been at (one each) Red Lobster and Olive Garden. They are remarkable for their bland American not-horribleness. Why anyone would choose such a place over something that's kind of interesting, I don't know, but there they are.

BerkeleyBear September 19, 2011 at 12:33 pm

You assume there's something interesting to be had. Especially if you have kids who, no matter what you try, won't fucking eat the kale salad with homemade vinegarette and a sensible portion of salmon (or anything more exotic than some variant of ground meat, starch, salt and fat).

Personally, I get stuck in a lot more Chili's and Appleby's than Red Lobsters or Olive Gardens, but it is all the same pile of crap along with the TGI Garbage and chain steak houses of the world. In fact, in Springfield they have a Chili's tucked between a Lone Star and an Olive Garden. It's a hat trick of craptastic, and from what I can tell that's the high point of restaurant row in 98+ percent of America.

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2011 at 1:05 pm

You just need to train your kids better (it helps to start at early age).

Here's mine scarfing some jellyfish at a filthy storefront Chinese dive when we were in Manhattan last spring.

BerkeleyBear September 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I got one who will eat most things but has weird hangups (like hamburger is always better than steak weird) and one who is just a world class picky eater. We've done everything permitted by modern conventions (mainly positive reinforcement, but I've threatened to take away her hamsters on more than one occassion) to get her to eat a broader range of foods and it just doesn't work – she's gonna do what she wants. We could, I suppose, gavage her with veggies like a French goose, but there are all these pesky laws against that sort of thing these days.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I know that look. Later, she said "DAAAAAAAAAAD!" and rolled her eyes, like, hakam you Oldz are alwayz photographing on us? Lame Oldz.

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Mine have been somewhat adventurous- more my son until my daughter spent time in Hong Kong- eating with the locals. UMMM, chicken heads!

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Why multiculti is so good for ya — when you have restaurants serving kai juk (Chinese rice-porridge with chicken, hold the 100-y.o. eggs), donburi, bibimbap, sushi rolls, rice bowls, and the like, you can ALWAYS find something for the kiddies while getting yourself something decent and edible.

Just in the past month, two friends have been diagnosed with diabetes. Maybe it's time to say goodbye to refined carbs.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Me either. Too many excellent restaurants within driving distance with better food.

chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:11 pm

But do those "excellent restaurants" have wine selections to match the array of fine Gallo, Cavit, and Sutter Home offerings at the Olive Garden?!!! Of course I usually wash down my Penna Vodka with a Bud, but my wife goes all fancy sometimes.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 6:49 pm

I'm betting they have "wine product." (A horror I just learned about from a guest who felt a last-second obligation to bring a bottle, and grabbed it at the supermarket.)

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 12:01 am

Of course, you need "wine product" to go with your "cheese food". For your entree, you have your choice of chicken or fish.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Being as I am a cheap bastard who believes in getting value for my penny, I almost never order wine at a restaurant, prefering to bring my own. Corkage is usually around $10-$20, and instead of paying $50 for a bottle that's, at best, worth $15, you can dig up something really tasty for like $15-$40. Pretty much, if you want good value you have to know the restaurauteur and they have to also not be a cheap bastard, which, I mean, come on. Doesn't happen any more.

LettucePrey September 19, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Keep up the good fight, Ms. FLOTUS. As an Eye-talian, I am deeply offended that the Olive Garden even exists. Can she move on to the Jersey Shore next?

EatsBabyDingos September 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

I quit going when they took away the salt licks.

-Bambi

Neilist_Returns September 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Bambi?

Nope. Chuck Test . . . .

Oh, never mind.

donner_froh September 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

Food dictator = asking that you not turn your kids into unhealthy fat slobs.

DaRooster September 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Fuck that… if I'm gonna be a fat sack of crap so will my kids! They are not commie hippies dammit!

iburl September 19, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Food Freedom Fighter: Heart Attack Grill

Live Fat and/or DIE!!!

proudgrampa September 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I will give up my Fried Butter when they pry it from my cold, dead hands!!!

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:37 pm

For whose terrible health their fellow-citizens will have to pay … and pay, and pay.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 6:54 pm

But they told us it was OK to just let them die. What to do, what to do… I hate these moral dilemmas. (I can see why people just ditch the whole conscience thing and turn Republican.)

SorosBot September 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

"I LOVE Red Lobster"

That pretty much says all you need to know about how culturally backwards the average teabagger is.

BerkeleyBear September 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

An aberrational love of Red Lobster is one way in which the TP crowd and the more "urban" crowd actually see eye to eye. At the same time, of course, the TP folks would never go the same Red Lobster as "those people."

Oh, and Sizzler. Gotta have the garlic toast at the Sizzler.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Wow. I have never eaten at any of these places, not because I'm a snob, but because I did not grow up eating that kind of food, so it's not inherently interesting enough to me to make me drag my ass out of the house in search thereof. Plus, having been married to several excellent cooks (serially, not polygamously), I'm a decent cook myself, and have no trouble putting together bland American versions of food.

I feel like I have been terribly, terribly deprived. (Googles nearest Red Lobster)

chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:02 pm

What I love about Red Lobsters is that they are easy to find and usually within a mile of a good restaurant.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Smart strategy.

SorosBot September 19, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Depending on where it is; try driving up the portion of Roosevelt Boulevard in Northeast Philly, home of many urban equivalents of rednecks, and it's nothing but strip malls with chain restaurants, including at least one Red Lobster, as far as the eye can see.

sunmusing September 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I grew up on Cape Cod. We had some of the best sea food we could wrangle. My uncles always had lobster pots, and at low tide, we would dig CLAMS galore. Mom made the best clam chowder. Now, I must say, in Colorado we are devoid of any sort of sea food other than smallish crayfish. My buddies think catching a 12 pound fish is a big deal, well it is, if you haven't latched onto a 40lb blue. I can't even enjoy the frozen stuff that passes for sea food here. I now have settle for those itty bitty trout. It's a right wing conspiracy I tell ya.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Man, you're just making me all jealous and stuff. I grew up on the coast, and there is nothing like fresh seafood.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 4:13 am

You know, it's a mostly-true stereotype. Red Lobster is where us "urbans" have our birthdays, anniversaries, graduation dinners, etc…Oliver Garden, Applebees and the rest? Not so much. But, we've always been a seafood people when we could get it. You don't eat fish, shrimp, and the rest in our community, and you're looked upon as strange. lol

We don't like Red Lobster because it's particularly good seafood, but because it's just one of our many options for seafood.

mumbly_joe September 20, 2011 at 8:21 am

Does Sizzler still exist, even? I have many fond neutral childhood memories of the erstwhile Sizzler near my parts, and most importantly, it's salad bar, because my family was all poors.

(even in the Land of Limosene Liberalism, as Westcheter has sometimes been called (by Salon!), it's still suburbia and so you are constantly a few miles away from sad strip malls and Walmarts, no matter where you go)

GorzoTheMighty September 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

I am having mixed emotions over mixed greens.

MildMidwesterner September 19, 2011 at 11:48 am

Kortney will help you love vegetables.

El Pinche September 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

Hee hee hee

Geminisunmars September 19, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Try tossing them.

proudgrampa September 19, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Just don't toss your cookies, too!

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Tom Waits said that, too.

metamarcisf September 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

I do believe this is how the Bolshevik Revolution started.

Rosie_Scenario September 19, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Yes, it was after the Tsar ended the "Unlimited Pasta Bolshevik."

WriteyWriterton September 21, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Brilliant.

ragnarok4msm September 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm

BEEP WRONG!!! its was the French revolution, that's how we got HEiNZ

johnnyzhivago September 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

Michelle just doesn't understand that American exceptionalism means a people who will rule the world by consuming all the available food, thus starving our enemies.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:41 pm

If we don't all kack fir… gasp, choke! Ack! ACK!

BarryOPotter September 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

…American exceptionalism means a people who will rule the world by consuming all the available food

Haha! Jokes on you! That's not food you've been shoveling into yer gaping maws!

baconzgood September 19, 2011 at 11:44 am

Americans know best?!?!?!?!!? Too easy to snark on. Way tooooooo easy.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2011 at 11:44 am

No problem; little Lurleen will no doubt still get her corn syrup IV every night at bedtime.

OC_Surf_Serf September 19, 2011 at 11:44 am

Sodas and fries will not be listed on the menus

But the infinite calorie 5 cheese super pasta death bowls are just 8.99

OneDollarJuana September 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Great "last meal" choice for the condemned, though.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Perfect choice for a bulemic prisoner.

An_Outhouse September 19, 2011 at 11:45 am

Luckily the food dictator has not conquered that upscale provider of gourmet vittles known as 7-11. The free market still provides over cooked nitrate laced hot dogs and plenty of Cheetos for the connoisseurs of saturated fats and Rush Limpballs.

chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Washed down with a "Big Gulp" of one America's finest fructose laden beverages.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Isn't 128 grams the minimum daily requirement for America's yoots?

starfanglednut September 19, 2011 at 9:47 pm

I've always wondered who eats those hot dogs, aside from people in alcoholic black outs.

Arken September 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

Bitch better not be touching the cheddar biscuits or I'm gonna have to cut somebody.

El Pinche September 19, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Amen. I'll be voting for Thad McCotter if FLOTUS touches my cheddar bisquits.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:50 pm

But you get unlimited cheesy cheddar biscuits!

El Pinche September 19, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Unlimited? Oh there is a limit. "YOU GO NOW MISTER! YOU BEEN HERE FOUR HOUR EATING BISQUITS!! "

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Hai ya! Like that, is it?

BerkeleyBear September 19, 2011 at 12:44 pm

I knew someone would defend the only thing at RL that isn't typically rubbery and bland. Of course, I am pretty sure that the only reason the biscuits are such a highlight is because the rest of the menu is such a pile of shit.

You can make a decent cheddar bay biscuit from a mix, you know? And that way you get a whole pile for yourself.

Arken September 19, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Or I could just go there, where someone else makes it so I don't have to.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

That's the American way – arranging for someone else to do X, where X is something approximating labor.

Arken September 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Funny, I thought it was the 'humans since the invention of cities' way.

Polythene_Pam September 19, 2011 at 12:55 pm

You can also make a decent cheddar biscuit from about 5 ingredients. Maybe 6, if you want garlic, too. Takes about 15 minutes, including the baking

Arken September 19, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Or I could spend 15 minutes doing something I enjoy instead.

El Pinche September 19, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Like fuckin. I'm with you man. I'm on Team Red Lobster Cheese Bisquit. Forget these damn bakers and their spare time and penchant for handling confectioners sugar or whatever.

An_Outhouse September 19, 2011 at 3:10 pm

like standing in line at Red Lobster?

BerkeleyBear September 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I was trying to avoid the obvious "I can't bake" argument. Biscuits and muffins are about the easiest things in the world to make – which is why everyone and their cousin can open a cupcake shop (made using the "muffin method"), but you can't convince some people.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:57 pm

I don't enjoy baking (although I really enjoy cooking), but my solution was to stop eating baked goods. I can't say it's been bad for my health, neither.

I think you have to be far more precise with baking than you do with cooking, and I grew up watching my Dad cook. His recipes were always "Two of this plus a handful of that and then just shake some of this in and chop up some of those, stir, add salt, taste." It means I'm a lazy baker when I make the effort, and then, of course, things don't come out right. I notice that the more engineering-minded seem to really enjoy cooking technique, including baking, much more. Part of the enjoyment is the precision and the physics involved, I suspect.

not that Dewey September 19, 2011 at 11:55 pm

which is why everyone and their cousin can open a cupcake shop

and apparently get their own show about it on TLC.

An_Outhouse September 19, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Cheese + garlic + bisquik then its time for a nap!

ManchuCandidate September 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

Better dead than Red Lobster.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I just looked at their menu, and I couldn't agree more.

FlownOver September 19, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Not so much of an either/or, Manchu.

sunmusing September 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

As one of those trying to lose a little weight, I have decided to use my poverty as an excuse to support Mrs. O.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Any excuse will do, dood!

Sorry to hear things are going badly for you, though. Don't you have a knee problem just like mine?

sunmusing September 19, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Yup, My knees don't like the weight, and they complain all day and all nite. Or until I get drunk enough to shut em up.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Well, I'll tell ya, I'm working on dropping the weight. It really seems to help. (Getting drunk also, but that's a tad more expensive, not to mention worse for the health.) Saw the surgeon last week and he said to exercise and build up the muscles around the knee. That's what I'm working on right now.

sunmusing September 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm

That's what they told me too. It's the bones around my implants that hurt. I really think I have more problems than worn out knees.

MildMidwesterner September 19, 2011 at 11:47 am

I will remain happy as long as I can still bypass the Olive Garden's pasta and just get a steaming bowl of alfredo sauce.

Chichikovovich September 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

Or, failing that, just to get the Olive Garden in-house cardiac surgeon to coat my arteries with crazy glue. Saves time.

V572 T-Blow September 19, 2011 at 11:58 am

Sprinkled with /buried under grated Parmesan! Mmmm!

Polythene_Pam September 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Then, dip some of those 'buttery' breadsticks in it… :drool:

BerkeleyBear September 19, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Heck, you don't need to go as fancy as that. If you are still in the MW, your local McDonald's probably has the "cup of gravy" on the breakfast menu. Sure, it's intended as a side to go with their not so great biscuit, but they won't mind if you just plunge a straw into it and go to town.

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I once baked a large batch of chicken for a shelter. One woman did not want the chicken- but asked me for the "gravy"(it was chicken grease!!!!)

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

You want the UNLIMITED bowl of Alfredo sauce. With extra cheese. (Be sure to wash it down with 1% milk, for health.)

proudgrampa September 19, 2011 at 2:22 pm

"…wash it down with 1% milk, for health."

Reminds me of the people who go to Wendy's and order the Triple Cheeseburger, Supersize Fries and Diet Coke.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:08 pm

"You want nuts on your hot fudge sundae?"
"No thanks, I"m on a diet."

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Is this the Diabolical Diet, Bielushka?

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Is there something wrong with their *pasta,* too?

(HTH do you fuck up pasta?)

Tommy1733 September 19, 2011 at 11:47 am

Our FLOTUS is attempting to perpetrate the greatest injustice our world has ever known.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I wish it were possible to put all chubby Americans on a really tough diet (1200 cal/day) and teleport the vast quantities of food produced in this country directly to the starving masses of Africa and Asia. OK, they'd be kinda unhealthy for a while, but at least they wouldn't be starving.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Millions are at risk of taking her advice! It's worse than 9/11, right??!!?!!!

mavenmaven September 19, 2011 at 11:47 am

Freedom Fries!!!!

Monsieur_Grumpe September 19, 2011 at 11:48 am

You can take away my trans fat laden, sodium fortified, greasy feeding trough pseudo-food from my cold,dead pudgy hands!

4TheTurnstiles September 19, 2011 at 11:48 am
not that Dewey September 19, 2011 at 1:46 pm

A common theme, for them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Be4Dnok9rCU

donner_froh September 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

Got your sides of fruit and vegetables covered. Sugar laced smoothies and French fries.

Goonemeritus September 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

Anyone that loves Olive Garden or Red Lobster has forfeited the right to have their opinion taken seriously.

LiveToServeYa September 19, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Ohhh, I read that as 'have their onion taken seriously' and I was about to agree. The Onion should never be taken seriously. Actually, come to think of it, 'Opinion' is just 'Onion' and 'Pi', and we all love pi.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:14 pm

At least until we have to work out its value to 17 decimal places.

chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:24 pm

"…and we all love pi. "

Ala mode. Of course. Washed down with a 600 calories worth of cappachino.

not that Dewey September 19, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Maybe it's just the deep-fried lard topic on my brain, but I immediately pictured this onion.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:15 pm

"Anyone that loves Olive Garden or Red Lobster has forfeited the right to have their opinion taken seriously."

Now, why can't we apply this reasoning to anyone who loves Rick Perry's candidacy? "Sorry ma'am, but you're too dumb to vote. It was your civic duty to try, and we do appreciate your patriotism."

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:33 pm

So, Biely, is there some way we can put you in charge of vetting voters? Because, you know, that would be the most excellent test.

gullywompr September 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

Let them get obese and die. That's what freedom is all about.

V572 T-Blow September 19, 2011 at 11:59 am

Trouble is they die slowly that way, and hog all the Medicare payments on their long, slow trek to the graveyard. Smoking is a much more effective Darwinian herd-thinner.

DaRooster September 19, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Still too damn slow… hmm… give 'em all NASCARs sans the roll cages.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm

And a state 85 mph speed limit (which you start enforcing at 95 or 100.) Two-ton SUVs moving at those speeds thin the herd even faster than lethal injections!

gullywompr September 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Even more effective, just have Obama come out against speeding. They'll be dropping like flies.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Always with the good ideas, mein Biely!

MrFizzy September 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

The trouble is, before they die they contract diabetes and heart disease, and then want evil government Medicaid to pay for their treatment.

gullywompr September 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

No problem, just prescribe a large portion of Olive Garden for those folks as their treatment – we can issue a special kind of food stamps for them. Should speed things up.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

About 50 cc of alfredo sauce, I.V., should do the trick.

V572 T-Blow September 19, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Mmmm…fettucine Alfredo con Parmeggio

DerrickWildcat September 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

I WILL NEVER EAT AT THE LOBSTER GARDEN AGAIN!!!

BarryOPotter September 19, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I told you not to take the blue one…

flamingpdog September 19, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Aha, all caps! So you're the Governor Scott Wanker-paid troll that Baconz said was posting on Wonkette!

Beowoof September 19, 2011 at 11:52 am

I guess I should go Olive Garden to support them with the bagger loss. I am sure they will make less money on me as I will order the soup and salad, no breadsticks. Salad has to cost more than Cheese Food Pasta bowls.

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Just go to a really good Thai restaurant and enjoy your meal instead.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Mmmm, Thai food. Heavenly.

You got lots of Vietnamese restaurants up where you live too, don't you, Lascaux?

Dr_Zoidberg September 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

Wow, 'Murricans are dumb.

*said as a proud American*

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

I just got back from a week's vacation in Wisconsin. Man, you should have seen all the white people!!! They have a food up there that is so popular I am surprised it hasn't been exported to the rest of the country, called "cheese curds." I never saw a nutrition sheet, but it just sounds scary. Also available in fried.

Cognitive dissonance of the week for me was a pickup truck with both a McCain-Palin 2008 bumper sticker and a "Recall Walker" one. WTF?

johnnyzhivago September 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

They eat Kurds in Wisconsin??? It sounds like canibalism.

Geminisunmars September 19, 2011 at 12:23 pm

No, no. The Turkeys eat the Kurds.

Chichikovovich September 19, 2011 at 12:04 pm

In Canada, cheese curds are known as a healthy alternative to poutine, which is French fries mixed with melted cheese curds and covered in beef gravy. To burn off the calories of one serving takes five hockey games or 600 ends of curling. (1200 if you use the pansy European push-brooms instead of the corn brooms that were used back in the day when curlers were men. Relatively speaking.)

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I have yet to taste this putain of which you speak. Oh, you said poutine. Right. Never mind, then.

chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I'm with you, Pristine. This poutine is too close to poontang, which I know I would fuck up and say if I ever tried to order poonta…I mean, poutine.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:36 pm

There are those restaurants, you know. Venus on the half-shell, and all.

BarryOPotter September 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm

O Québec! Je me souviens de vos putains!

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Vraiment.

flamingpdog September 19, 2011 at 6:17 pm

And poutine is just a little too close to Putin for me. If I ever slipped up at teh restaurant and said I'd like to eat Putin for dinner…

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:37 pm

I just have this vision of Vladi rolling that cold, cold gray eye in your direction.

lamorenabruja September 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Admittedly, cheese curds sound like some fresh hell, but they taste GOOD. They are also on poutine, which sounds like…well…anyway, I thank the Canadians for more than a few things, but this poutine business is in the top 5.

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I had cheese curds the first time at Cornell University Dairy but my first fried curds were in Eau Claire, WI. And those were the only two times I ate those things

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I take it this is not one of those enthusiastic endorsements, then?

Weenus299 September 19, 2011 at 12:16 pm

I love Wisconsin — in the summertime. The ones who aren't fat are running and biking and hiking all over the place becasue they know they can't do that during the winters. The ones who can't just sit there on their driveway patios and blather on about stuff and things while the brats are going and yeah, cheese curds. I can live without them for a very long time. They give me the shits like you would not believe.

LiveToServeYa September 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Well, Little Miss Muppet spoke highly of them, including something called 'whey', but then Kermit said something stupid and she punched the little green curds right out of him.

horsedreamer_1 September 19, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Clearly, the driver of the vehicle is one of Tweety's favourites, the salt-of-the-earth blue-collar white church-going voter, who always supports the GOP because the Dems are the party of "acid, amnesty, & abortion". Those voters just always have assumed the GOP masters wouldn't actually go thru with the anti-worker agenda, for the reason of whiteness, & then got a cruel wake-up call from Scooter & (News) Anchor Lt. Gov.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Not to be … difficult, or anything, but why on earth would you vacation in WI? Was it for the political climate, or what?

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Meh, never been there. Free place to stay at the homes of a couple different colleagues from Kabul days. Plus, it's been over 100 degrees down in Texas for like, forever, and a little cool-down was welcome. Madison is a blast, as well. Saw the 24-7 Recallers out front of the capitol, got super-hammered with all the college kids too.

Fuck Toad September 19, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Cheese curds don't last very long, even refrigerated, so they'll never be big outside major dairy regions. Even a day or two of refrigerated travel and they're just bland, rubbery cheese.

And they're not worse for you than any other cheese, really.

widestanceshakedown September 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

Did the founding children die of starvation so that our kids have to eat mixed greens and not the freshly extruded HFCS/lard/salt paste technology has rendered into fun food shapes and colors?

I think not.

Goonemeritus September 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

You know what the definition of irony is its when knuckle scraping reactionary douche bags decide to boycott GM the same year they bring back the Camaro. When was the last time you met a progressive with an IROC.

Bots Meat Commission September 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm
BarryOPotter September 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Great minds…

OneDollarJuana September 19, 2011 at 11:59 am

Americans and the Free Market know best. That's why two thirds of Americans are overweight.

BarryOPotter September 19, 2011 at 2:51 pm

So what you're saying is the free market benefits about 1/3 of us because the other 2/3 buy our shit and make us rich. That 1/3 seems a bit high, but if that's the number, well, we're just going to have to bring that down some…

DaSandman September 19, 2011 at 11:59 am

But what if you want the children fat like butter?

Freedum!

WhatTheHeck September 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

For those who wish to rehab from Olive Garden and Red Lobster, may I suggest a 1/2 way house of pancakes.

mereoblivion September 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

1/2 way Original or 1/2 way International?

axmxz September 19, 2011 at 2:12 pm

1/2 edible.

gurukalehuru September 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

International sounds soshulist.

hollywooddood September 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Oh, bullshit. I'm reserving my right as an American citizen to be morbidly obese with diabetes and heart disease.

Neilist_Returns September 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Michelle Obama?!?

Nope. CHUCK TESTA!

Neilist
Wonkette's Chuck Testa Endowed Chair of Texting & Taxidermy
"A Meme To Replace "Benazir Bhutto is Still DEAD"?

V572 T-Blow September 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Next thing you know Michel²e will go after that unique St Louis delicacy, "toasted*" ravioli. Wish I had a bowl of it now, with marinara sauce on top.
_________________________
* = breaded and deep-fat-fried in this case.

metamarcisf September 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Toasted's not a bad idea for 10 o'clock on a Monday morning.

V572 T-Blow September 19, 2011 at 12:12 pm

It’s disgustingly good.

sunmusing September 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Here I am, trying to lose weight and all you do is talk about food. Now that I have stopped licking my screen, can we talk about the Jobs Bill Or How we will be road kill in Texas? Hmmmm. bbq road kill.

johnnyzhivago September 19, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Over time, the teabaggers will remove themselves from the population through evolution, but it will be many, many years before the last one keels over and falls off their Hovabout.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Only if they croak BEFORE reproducing, and they start that at age 16 (judging from one well-known Alaskan clan of 'baggers.) Olive Garden needs to step up their game, big time, if they want any Darwinian cred.

Redhead September 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Not according to Idiocracy, which is starting to seem less funny movie and more prophesy…

JustPixelz September 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

First they came for the soda and fries and I said nothing.

Olive Garden® When you're here, you're family! Specifically family members who didn't show up for our wedding so now we just give 'em a feed bag full of bread and pasta then go back to watching rasslin'.

If our children are skinny, the terrorist folks have won.

GhostBuggy September 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

The Olive Garden Facebook page fans collectively losing their shit over this are the reason the wait staff at any restaurant where I try to order vegetables and non-fried food for my toddler have a full-on freakout. Thanks, you right-wing fucksticks, for making what should be another minor part of my life into a huge hassle. What's that, the 5,000th one for you assholes?

mereoblivion September 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Tough to imagine any of those people as "sticks" of any kind, but "fucksticks"–yeah, I guess . . .

slamtundra September 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Fucklogs?

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:28 pm

"Fucksacks" is a better match for the topology.

GhostBuggy September 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Agreed. Fucksacks it is.

elviouslyqueer September 19, 2011 at 12:03 pm

“I LOVE Red Lobster, but if you follow the plan of Michelle Obama I will not be eating at your restaurant ever again,” wrote one poster. “… I will not have my food choices dictated to me by food dictators like Michelle Obama.”

Translation: No uppity nigger woman is gonna take away my right to gorge on fat-laden cheezy biscuits and unlimited breadsticks. READ THE CONSTITUTION!!!!1!!!1111!!

DaRooster September 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Wow, 20% over ten years… well then I will only get 327% of my daily allowance… damn it!

DerrickWildcat September 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY SEA SPIDERS!!!

El Pinche September 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Spiders tastes gooood. Sea Spiders taste gooood.

Bots Meat Commission September 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

History's greatest Food Dictator? Benito Mussels-lini.

/shows self out

Doktor Zoom September 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Generalissimo Francisco Frank-n-beens?

The Vichysoise puppet government?

Juan and Eva P'rawn?

gurukalehuru September 19, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Julius Caesar Salad? Idi Amint Sauce? Josef Stalinguini?

PubOption September 19, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Idi Ham n' cheese?

FlownOver September 19, 2011 at 4:02 pm

"Noodles" Romanoff, mobbed-up pre-revolutionary muscle.

flamingpdog September 19, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Adolf Gritsler?

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Surely Pol Pot takes the cake.

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 12:14 am

Augusto Pinochet Noir?

Weenus299 September 19, 2011 at 12:08 pm

It's the Oliver Gardens of Stone. Eh? Eh?

mereoblivion September 19, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Sure, 'cause fresh-from-the-garden olives have stones in the middle!

lamorenabruja September 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Dear FLOTUS:
You have a good–and healthy–heart. You are loved. However, please let these fat, body-gravy steeping doughballs eat until their stomachs explode, like in that movie "Se7en". Just let the trash take out itself.

mumbly_joe September 19, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Also Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, also.

genxr September 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Paul Ryan immediately announced that House Republicans will hold the line against any decrease in calories, and any talk of exercise is a "non-starter." As a country, we will get in shape through sound free-market principles. As we put more calories into the hands of the job-creators, our health will improve. Also, trickle-down gravy.

V572 T-Blow September 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

What I wouldn't give for some pot roast with gravy right now!

sunmusing September 19, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Try hiring a high school kid to do your push ups and sit ups for ya. Not even minimum wage could entice them.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:31 pm

That's what Messicans are for.

sunmusing September 20, 2011 at 12:09 pm

No hable “big belly” pinche gringo. It is a difficult proposition.

Bots Meat Commission September 19, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I believe most gravy is better characterized as "trickle-out."

SorosBot September 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I do wonder how a company voluntarily changing their menu to be a bit healthier is against the Free Market, or how the first lady trying to convince people to, once again, voluntarily change what they eat and companies to change what they serve makes her a dictator. Or did I miss the part where Hitler politely asked the Jews if they wouldn't mind rounding themselves into concentration camps, if they wanted to?

Eve8Apples September 19, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Exactly. I don't see what is so socialist about a restaurant deciding its bottom line benefits if they don't kill their customers with a bottomless bowl of trans fat and cholesterol. The restaurant benefits when it helps customers avoid visits to their cardiologists and morticians.

DaRooster September 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm

“I LOVE Red Lobster, but if you follow the plan of Michelle Obama I will not be eating at your restaurant ever again…"

"I will not have you lowering the salt and calorie content by a measly 2% per year… FREEDUMB!"

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Look at the bright side: on average, Red Lobster will be a slightly more pleasant place, because this dipshit customer will now be stuffing his maw at Chucky Cheese.

baconzgood September 19, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Red Lobster is to seafood what Taco Bell is to dog food. I never eat at the lop or the olive garden. In fact you could whirl a dead cat on a stick and hit a better dego joint than the Olive Garden.

DahBoner September 19, 2011 at 4:00 pm

In fact you could whirl a dead cat on a stick and hit a better dego joint than the Olive Garden

EAST COAST!!!!

Traditionally, the East Coast had to pay better wages to their Italian immigrants to keep them from moving out west…..

Eve8Apples September 19, 2011 at 12:14 pm

The Lobster Garden people should hire Kortney and her cucumber as spokesperson. I'm sure the teabaggers will do whatever Kortney tells them.

proudgrampa September 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Hell, I'd eat that!

Eve8Apples September 19, 2011 at 3:51 pm

All they have to do is put "Kortney" and "bottomless" in the same sentence and they would have a line out the door.

For example, "ALL YOU CAN EAT BOTTOMLESS KORTNEY menu EVERY EVENING FROM 6 TO 10 P.M." above a picture of Kortney and her cucumber.

El Pinche September 19, 2011 at 12:14 pm

"Bless us, O Lord! and our Cookie Crisps cereal and sausage griddle cakes , which we are about to receive from our blessed Jimmy Dean, through Christ our Lord and Walmart."
Amen.

lamorenabruja September 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Such a good Catholic boy you are!

El Pinche September 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Yup, and I got the emotional and physical scars to prove it.

Doktor Zoom September 19, 2011 at 12:16 pm

They're trying to ram ramming less down our throats down our throats!!!!!!!!

Geminisunmars September 19, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I think you have the premise and opening number for a musical here.

gullywompr September 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Win.

Chichikovovich September 19, 2011 at 12:16 pm

We'll have to rename it Red Star Lobster.

powersuit September 19, 2011 at 12:18 pm

America: where we all pay outrageous healthcare premiums so slovenly couch-spud idiots can eat pounds of grease and get someone else to pay to keep their hearts running.

baconzgood September 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I can still eat at Chi-Chi's right?

RedneckMuslin September 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

If Chef Boyardee is still alive, he's rolling in his grav-y.

JimmyPete September 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Honestly Red Lobster has some good lobster, but if you want to see what a TeaParty nation will be like for gourmet go to the Cat Food aisle of your big box store.

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm

These people are too lazy to boycott anything. You can't think they will go to a real Italian restaurant or a decent seafood place. If it isn't endless servings, covered in batter or drowned in dressing(that Olive garden salad is gross), these fatties won't eat it.

MrFizzy September 19, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Rotund 'Mercans do not seem to understand the difference between information and mandates.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 1:17 pm

They don't make the distinction, because they also resent having information forced upon them.

bikerlaureate September 19, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Having choices is so hard.

An_Outhouse September 19, 2011 at 3:17 pm

stop it with man dates and hardness.

bikerlaureate September 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I was mildly surprised no one went there immediately.

chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm

True, MrFizzy, but Faux News will cure them of "information" and Marcus will cure them of "mandates" so your very observant and eloquently stated point is moot.

prommie September 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I really wish she had made suicide prevention her cause. Teatards would have been offing themselves left and right, every time she publicized the cause. "This'll show her," they would say, right before they pull the trigger, or turn on the gas, or jump from the bridge.

Doktor Zoom September 19, 2011 at 1:25 pm

It's not too late for her to announce a new initiative…

Chichikovovich September 19, 2011 at 2:03 pm

The seppuku epidemic among American citizens has gone on long enough! Michele has to lend her voice publicly to the prevention efforts.

genxr September 19, 2011 at 12:36 pm

"…I will not have my food choices dictated to me by food dictators…"

That's right. You know who else wanted people to eat better?

Polythene_Pam September 19, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Justin Wilson, the Cajun Cook?

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Julia Child?

axmxz September 19, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Republican TV-sweetheart and real-life asshole Alton Brown?

horsedreamer_1 September 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm
chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Jeffrey Dahmer, 'cause he was tired of stringy meat?

An_Outhouse September 19, 2011 at 3:18 pm

That whiny guy from England who tried to get some school district in West Virginia to serve some of the stuff they actually grow in West Virginia? (I saw it on the T.V.)

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Jamie wanted them to eat coall?

flamingpdog September 19, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Hannibal Lector? Oh, wait, I thought you asked who else wanted better people to eat.

HelmutNewton September 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Now if only we could convince the teabaggers that "voting" is part of the worldwide librul/communist/Muslin conspiracy and they should boycott that too. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Those dummies will fall for anything.

MozakiBlocks September 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I recently partook of a meal at Olive Garden whilst visiting family. First time I'd ever eaten at one. Wasn't bad.

But Red Lobster is to seafood what the Houston Astros are to baseball.

Polythene_Pam September 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Where was the outrage when Laura Bush told us that we should be reading books to our children? How dare the government try to be dictators about what my children are doing?

flamingpdog September 19, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Teatards luv eating. Reading? Not so much.

metamarcisf September 19, 2011 at 12:53 pm

A Teabagger boycott of Red Lobster? Michelle is smarter than we thought.

proudgrampa September 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

As long as I get my after-dinner mint:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlK62rjQWLk

crybabyboehner September 19, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I wonder who will play in the Never Ending Pasta Bowl this year?

ttommyunger September 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Don't like to eat out. I think I ate at OG one time many years ago, very forgettable. Red Gobster, now that's a different story: wifey's fav. Threw my 70th BD surprise party there. I fucking hate it, but then I wear the same 32" waist Levis (501's) I wore in High School and she is North of 300 pounds. No lessons here, folks, just move along…

proudgrampa September 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I would say that it's more likely your genes have something to do with your jeans…

(32" high school. 48" today. *sigh*)

ttommyunger September 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm

You would be mistaken. I have a vicious weight problem. I am hungry most waking hours and am totally committed to an ongoing exercise and diet regimen. Dad was the same way, he got up near 250 (@5-10″) before Air Force threatened to kick his fat ass to the curb. He fought his weight problem (and won) the last 40 years of his life and died at 84 of stomach cancer.

proudgrampa September 19, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Well, then, my hat's off to you. That takes a tremendous amount of dedication and hard work.

ttommyunger September 19, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Thank you! Especially since I love biscuits, gravy, mashed potatoes, ham, bacon and all the things I can't have. Not to mention living with a Georgia Girl who eats like a bird (twice her weight daily).

Callyson September 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

JFC, I wonder what they would say if Michelle had decided to follow Nancy Reagan and promote an anti – drug agenda instead. I can hear it now: “… I will not have my drug choices dictated to me by food dictators like Michelle Obama.”
Idiots.

Redhead September 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

“The government does not know best. Americans and the free markets do."

Exactly. That's why too MUCH government regulation – not too LITTLE, and certainly not the free markets – caused the housing market collapse.

DashboardBuddha September 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Fat, drunk, and greasy is no way to go through life son.

chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:51 pm

But drunk is ok, amarite?!

DashboardBuddha September 19, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Of course.

DashboardBuddha September 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Ten years to reduce salt and fat?? Seriously people…it's not like we're designing a new fuel efficient engine.

vulpes82 September 19, 2011 at 1:41 pm

*sigh* I hate when Red Lobster or Oliver Garden coming into the news, because you always get a big fight between the people who say, "I don't care, I need those cheddar biscuits!" (THEY ARE LACED WITH CRACK!11!!NOMNOMNOM) and the "OMG, I would NEVER step foot in one of those plebeian restaurants! I only dine out at the Nepalese French-fusion place down the road owned by this absolutely CHARMING Native couple. But usually I cook a ten course meal of nothing but lean protein and healthy greens that my children absolutely ADORE!" people. Sorry to say, Wonketteers, we haven't broken the trend.

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I think I may have been at that Nepalese place- in DC- but it closed.

LiveToServeYa September 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Discourage sodas and fries at the Olive Garden? It's the freakin' sauce on the ravioli that will kill you deader'n a road-kill lasagna in January. Olive Garden: where I stood in tears amid the alien lard.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:58 pm

JK FTW.

mereoblivion September 20, 2011 at 10:34 am

Ruth?!?

not that Dewey September 19, 2011 at 1:48 pm

This is good news for Fuddrucker's.

imissopus September 19, 2011 at 2:14 pm

What is FLOTUS doing? Now all of these assholes will live longer!

DaRooster September 19, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Nah, they will find a supplement salt bucket and lard bag…

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:58 pm

For that to happen, they'd have to listen to her. No worries.

axmxz September 19, 2011 at 2:20 pm

You know what really undermines your God-given right to eat yourself to death? A gluten allergy. Suddenly, there is nothing left to eat but fruit, vegetables, lean meat, nuts – it's horrible. Did you know there is grain in everything? THERE IS GRAIN IN EVERYTHING!!! Sure, you can still eat fries, but you'll just be craving a cheeseburger the whole time you're chewing.

Now if excuse me, I am off to gorge myself on carrot sticks salted with my own tears.

Chet Kincaid September 19, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Where would you enlightened, foodie snobs recommend that someone with a Red Lobster/Olive Garden budget eat out then, in U.S. America?

axmxz September 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Step one: move out of the suburbs. Everywhere else, bodegas abound.

lamorenabruja September 19, 2011 at 3:00 pm

They can eat out…of a garbage can. We all will be, soon enuff.

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Well, plenty of Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Indian, Salvadorean and Peruvian places but I guess they don't exist in Bumfuck, Arkansas

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 12:05 am

Nearest VietNamese/Thai/Korean/Chinese/Japanese place. Much better food. Oh, hey, also Mexican.

mumbly_joe September 19, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Is it still considered a "boycott" if I have never eaten there because they are terrible and you live someplace that is suffused with excellent and affordable actual Italian food?

mumbly_joe September 19, 2011 at 2:28 pm

"I LOVE Red Lobster,"

Well, that's your first problem, right there.

Steverino247 September 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I've had some nice meals at OG, but I do need to be careful about too much of certain items there. Most restaurants have shit on the menu you shouldn't eat too much of, but they are not responsible for what I put in my mouth anymore than Kortney is responsible for what goes in hers.

I was recently with some folks discussing weight. One person who needed to lose about 80 pounds complained about government rules requiring calories to be listed next to the item on the menus. My response was that this is information I need to make better decisions about food. If the government didn't require it, I would have no easy way to plan meals out. Now, I can do it at a glance. Pllus, I know certain ingredients are being manipulated to make me want to eat more of it, so now I'm informed (and 95 pounds lighter).

Oh, and I'm sure she's still gaining weight out there someplace for Freedom. Sow.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Those damned signs took all the fun out of scarfing down those apple fritters at Starbucks, and I cut way back on my intake. This is known as an "informed decision" — something that was never the strong suit of the teabagger crowd.

chicken_thief September 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I put my full support behind the right of our great nation's citizens to decide for themselves what to eat. God bless America!

~ Gov. Chris Christie

flamingpdog September 19, 2011 at 6:45 pm

I'm glad you said "full support" rather than "full weight". With the latter, MIchelle would never have a chance.

GeorgiaBurning September 19, 2011 at 2:36 pm

C'mon now, you gotta give people! It is very PC to eat at the locally produced/organic/green restaurant with the funny colored carrots, but sometimes you need to go out with the family. You need a spot that Mom likes and your brother in law (who complains how ketchup is too spicy) will tolerate. Besides, Gina Gallo has come up with some decent varietals out of those big tanks in Modesto along 99.

proudgrampa September 19, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Do the varietals still come in the giant one-gallon bottles?

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Mmmmm…. big jugs of Gallo Hardly Burgundy. Brings back memories!

Mostly, I remember waking up and not remembering.

imissopus September 19, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I was just checking out the Red Lobster page on FB and there is one poster who said she's never been, it looks great but no RL's in Boston. Poor kid, we all know how hard it is to find good seafood in BOSTON, for fuck's sake.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Wait 'till she goes to Europe, and finds no Olive Gardens in Rome.

not that Dewey September 19, 2011 at 11:39 pm

There are plenty of Taco Bells and Chili's in New Mexico. Send her here; she won't be disappointed.

Oh, and "I was just checking out the Red Lobster page on FB"?!?!? Thorstein Veblen must be spinning in his grave.

imissopus September 20, 2011 at 1:06 am

I wanted to read some of these vitriolic posts the LA Times referred to. They seem to have quoted the best ones, though.

not that Dewey September 20, 2011 at 1:47 am

My morbid curiosity took over, too. The LA Times didn't mention all those brilliant "YOU COMMIE BASTARDS" posts, which were among my favorites.

starfanglednut September 20, 2011 at 9:30 am

S'true. I live in Btown, and don't have a car, and thus have never been to either RL or OG. Not sure I'm missing anything. Those chain restaurants scare me cause they serve 1100 calorie salads, never mind the fuckin desserts.

DashboardBuddha September 19, 2011 at 2:55 pm

And in related news, the fast food industry wants a taste of that foodstamp action.
http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/sto

I shit you not. Seriously, what's the name of the Profits Before People amoral fuckstick that came up with this?

starfanglednut September 20, 2011 at 9:36 am

Hahahaha that reads like an onion article. Reality has completely jumped the shark.

It's not like people get tons of money in food stamps. If they spent them at mcdonalds, on $7 hamburger meals, they'd use them up in a week.

DashboardBuddha September 20, 2011 at 9:39 am

$7 hamburger anusburger meals.

Fixed

DahBoner September 19, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Now, now, now!

There's nothing wrong with an Never Ending Pasta Bowl if you're going to get up off your lazy ass and run a 100 mile marathon the next day…

joespi314 September 19, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Darden Restaurants should hedge their bets…
- Make Olive Garden the Liberal restaurant full of fruit and pictures of Michelle Obama.
- Make RED Lobster the Conservative restaurant (get it? Red?) and provide fried butter sticks along with the bread basket. Make the logo a lobster with a big pot belly and acne.

DemonicRage September 19, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Damn! I wonder what kind of tempura grasshopper legs she munches on by the pool, when she is on one of her $6,000,000 taxpayer expense paid vacations in Spain!

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 10:42 pm

MIchelle, check. Food, check. Yep, that has everything to do with the subject at hand.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 12:02 am

Biely, darling, you know how those boyz get, the sight of a successful intelligent black woman just makes them so, so hot and craycray.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 4:03 am

Didn't you all hear? The First Lady is black.

You know, I wasn't ever a big fan of the president (a supporter, but not a particularly ardent fan), but you can't even measure how much I want him to win re-election, now. America needs to get this out of their system, and they'll need two terms/doses of this president to even begin to come to grips with the fact that they are just plain-ass xenophobes.

Negropolis September 20, 2011 at 4:24 am

Red Lobster, you say? Sounds a little commie, to me…

But, no, really; Red Lobster is good for what it is. Olive Garden on the other hand isn't even good for what it is/what it's trying to copy. It's like the Taco Bell of Italian food; it's like what Tex-Mex is to actual Mexican food.

StirlingRPowers September 21, 2011 at 2:33 am

Darden restaurants are exempt from Obamacare. Coincidence?
http://michellemalkin.com/2011/09/15/a-fun-fact-a

BerkeleyBear September 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Since that's about the only core principle Bourdaine has, what do you disagree with him on?

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Although "convenience" stuff certainly dominates OUR lives, I can remember when people took pride in doing those sort of things themselves. My father refused to eat anything that wasn't cooked at home because he grew up on home-cooked food. Since my mother was an atrociously bad cook (everything simultaneously raw AND burned), he learned to cook, and did a pretty decent job of feeding the children. Grandma refused to have plumbing and power put in, because she said it made you lazy. Right up into her 90s, she was chopping wood for her own stove and fetching water in buckets from the river until the family finally staged an intervention.

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Naw, the jellyfish and the photo thereof were both her idea. I think she's just thinking, "I'm in NYC, so I'm gonna eat something exotic, dammit!"

Also to impress/disgust her friends. (To their credit, most of them tried a bite.)

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Hey, wow, you raised her right! I remember getting the youngest stepkid geared up for a trip to Bali. "But do they have MacDonalds'? How about Coke, do they have Coke? 'Cos I'm not eathing none a that weird shit, OK?" Fortunately, he proved to be a hardy little soul and came home singing the praises of Nasi Goreng.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Oh, I love those, they're great! Er … sorry, wut?

bikerlaureate September 19, 2011 at 2:09 pm

But narrating the destruction of Hobo Beans isn't nearly as fulfilling…

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I like it. Fried butter should round this out perfectly.

Arken September 19, 2011 at 2:20 pm

On the other hand, the Ancient Romans had their own types of fast food, as did most other ancient civilizations.

Arken September 19, 2011 at 3:11 pm

This is why you call ahead.

finallyhappy September 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

And the Olive Garden is there- near Grant and the Boulevard!
Maybe in the past 10(?) years, I found a number of Indian restaurants there(but maybe farther away- in Bensalem?)

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:05 pm

So long as it's less than 15 minutes away, you win!

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2011 at 7:18 pm

The state of Texas thought of it, all on their own.

BerkeleyBear September 19, 2011 at 9:49 pm

You are absolutely right that baking is generally much more precise than cooking (which is why I do more cooking than baking). But the muffin method (basically mix wet and dry ingredients seperately, then add former to latter and stir just until incorporated, is about as easy as baking gets. You do have to measure, but it isn't like making yeast dough or baking baguettes.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Dood, where's your sense of adventure? You gotta get all wild and crazy with that shit, or it's not worth doing at all, yaknow?

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Yes, street food was a huge thing in early China. In fact, there's a wonderful novel called Rickshaw (Luo Tuo-Xiangzi) that describes life, and street food, of that time.

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Dang, BerkeleyBear, I guess I'm just gonna HAVE to get off my lazy ass and try it!

Pristine_ODummy September 19, 2011 at 11:34 pm

So, you weren't visiting them and whispering in any shell-like little ears, or nothin'?

flamingpdog September 19, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Oh, thanx (with an x), Pristine – put that vision in my brain just before bedtime!

BerkeleyBear September 20, 2011 at 12:01 am

Look up Alton Brown's myriad takes on it at foodnetwork.com. I happen to have been given all his cookbooks, so I'm biased, but I find him about the best thing going at demystifying all things cuisine oriented.

BerkeleyBear September 20, 2011 at 12:12 am

Yep. You can just guess what the people who spent 2 years of their lives getting a Baking & Pastry certificate at a culinary school (avg price 20k per year) think about the rise of non-bakers squeezing them out with what are 1950s chiffon cupcakes (the secret is a load of vegetable oil – yum).

sunmusing September 20, 2011 at 12:07 pm

I haven't been back “home” in a few years. But I think maybe next summer. I can hear the clams shaking in their shells now. I talked to mom the other day and they just had a Red Tide. It takes a while for the area to recover.

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that. I have a lot of pain myself, and I try to ignore it or keep it under control with the Noble Herb. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Alcohol actually does seem to make it worse, I'm not sure why and none of my surgeons/doctors have been able to tell me.

If you want to discuss this offline, please write me anytime at the political cat (oneword) at gmail dot com. It worries me that you're depressed and sinking — I hope that isn't true, or is just reflective of a particular day or mood. Best of luck and health, my friend!

Pristine_ODummy September 20, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Yay! Clambake!

Safe journey, happy travel, and may the clams fall willingly into your maw! (I know it's a year away, but hey, I believe in celebrating every little thing because ya never know.)

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