Pat Robertson: Jesus Doesn’t Mind If You Divorce Your Spouse With Alzheimer’s

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Pat Robertson, the guy you can’t even call a delusional, militantly homophobic, fearmongering warrior of Satan because that description essentially understates the case by several orders of magnitude, has a small clarification to make about Jesus’s stance on traditional marriage. It’s still all “till death do you part” and whatever, but people who have Alzheimer’s are pretty much already dead according to God (God, you know, that old white guy who made Alzheimer’s disease along with everything else), so it’s cool with Pat Robertson if you want to divorce them a little bit ahead of time:

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson told his 700 Club viewers that divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer’s is justifiable because the disease is “a kind of death.”

During the portion of the show where the one-time Republican presidential candidate takes questions from viewers, Robertson was asked what advice a man should give to a friend who began seeing another woman after his wife started suffering from the incurable neurological disorder.

“I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her,” Robertson said.

[AP]

 

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{ 222 comments }

tihond September 15, 2011 at 1:05 pm

THIS IS GREAT NEWS! FOR NANCY REAGAN!

LettucePrey September 15, 2011 at 1:30 pm

And Sandra Day O'Connor, also, too.

Radiotherapy® September 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

And Margaret Thatcher's hubby.

Madfall September 15, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Too late, Dennis be dead and gone, lo these many years.

baconzgood September 15, 2011 at 1:40 pm

HEEEEEEEEY-OOOOOOOO

Radiotherapy® September 15, 2011 at 1:40 pm

And Mrs. Pat Robertson needs a towel to sit on now.

horsedreamer_1 September 15, 2011 at 2:31 pm

&, lo, the affair with Frank Sinatra proves defensible.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Bit late now, I'm thinkin'.

Barb September 15, 2011 at 1:06 pm

What if your wife is just forgetful? Let's say she brings the beer but the cap is still on the bottle. Can you kick her to the curb and be cool with Jeebus?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Yes.

JustPixelz September 15, 2011 at 1:26 pm

The husband has to be wearing a "wife beater" tank top during the kicking for it to be legally binding.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 1:30 pm

And send $100 to the 700 Club to cover God.

emmelemm September 15, 2011 at 1:45 pm

What was that called again… indulgences?

AlterNewt September 15, 2011 at 1:50 pm

What did God do with the money everybody gave him LAST week?

toomtabard September 15, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Coke. Just mountains and mountains of coke.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Crack.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:53 pm

God never asks YOU what you did with the 90% you DIDN'T give him last week, does he? So you'd better not be asking him nothing, neither.

Not unless you want to deal with the competition. (Where IS Biel Z. Bubba, btw?)

Lascauxcaveman September 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Let's say she brings the beer…

This is a hypothetical situation in which I've never seen my wife.

Barb September 15, 2011 at 2:33 pm

I turn on both ice makers, haul mounds and mounds of crushed ice up to the loft, ice the beer, hand Jeffer his laptop and scoot the beer between us.

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:38 pm

You're going to get marriage proposals for this. Turn mormon and have yourself a many-husbanded good time.

mumbly_joe September 15, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Barb, if Jeffers every comes down with a case of the Alzheimer's… I'm just sayin'.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Probably. Isn't forgetting things, like, an early sign of Alzheimer's?

Come here a minute September 15, 2011 at 1:07 pm

It's the same question that Newt Gingrich asks himself all the time, "What Would Jesus Do If He Had A Terminally Ill Wife?"

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I thought Newt always asked himself "What would Jesus do if he had a hot intern?"

Radiotherapy® September 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

You do mean male intern, right.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I don't think Newt ever went for the male interns.

In fact, I don't think Newt ever HAD male interns.

JustPixelz September 15, 2011 at 1:32 pm

If Jesus had a terminally ill wife, he could cure her with a miracle and say "fuck you tea party, she didn't have health insurance and she didn't die!".

Or say "see ya later baby — really, I'll be up there waiting", pointing skyward.

Or he could zap her heart and say "conzider dis a deevorce".

Or he could get a new trophy wife and tell the first one, "Jesus told me to do it." And he'd be right.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Shows how well YOU know Jesus. He would've said "Dad told me to do it."

ibwilliamsi September 20, 2011 at 3:06 am

Best laugh of the night!

SexySmurf September 15, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Here's what Jeebus had to say about divorce:

For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter. And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery." —Mark 1:1-12

And here's what Jeebus said about gay people:

ArmoredBore September 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Amazing what you can learn when you RTFM

V572 T-Blow September 15, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Jeebus never had a wife go through menopause, though, so it was easy for Him to say this.

And isn't Newt a "Catholic" now? Thought they didn't go for this new-fangled "divorce' thing.

snoopyfan2010 September 15, 2011 at 7:58 pm

They don't. He converted AFTER divorce in order to marry his new wife.

Fare la Volpe September 16, 2011 at 9:28 am

Like Bizarro Henry VIII.

savethispatient September 15, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Apparently that's the only bit of the Bible that shouldn't be taken literally.

Arken September 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

He may not have said anything about gay people, but he spent all his time at very close quarters with 12 young men and never slept with any women. Just sayin'…

EatFrankRich September 15, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Actually there is some spicy sex in front of Mary M in the apocrypha.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Of course, Jesus not saying anything about hte Ghayez just proves he thought they shouldn't exist.

flamingpdog September 15, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Or maybe he thought they didn't exist. Didn't Preznit Ahmadinnerjacket of Iran once say there were no gheys in Iran? Judea's almost Iran, isn't it?

Lascauxcaveman September 15, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Hmmph, all this Jesus quoting.

What makes you think Pat Robertson gives half a shit what Jesus actually said?

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:39 pm

This.

Tommy1733 September 15, 2011 at 3:13 pm

You should call him Jesus – he was at the very least a highly moral and loving man who really cared about people, unlike so many of those who claim to be his followers. You shouldn't take their ignorance out on him.

And actually, when Jesus healed the Centurion's male lover, he was actually publicly giving approval to their ghey relationship. So he really did have something to say about gays, but it was not a bad thing.

antispandex September 15, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Yeah, I've been trying to tell reilgious friends the same thing for years. You have to understand though, the religious right cares more abouut what they THINK Saul of Tarsus said, than what their master said. Oh yeah, and the fact that Sarah Palin was able to reproduce means that god is angry with us all, and we should repent…..lest we be smitten by Alaskan Snowbillies.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I've always really really liked what Jeebus had to say about us gay folk.

Gratuitous World September 15, 2011 at 1:10 pm

at least he didn't blame the Alzheimer's sufferers for 9/11. or did he?

Schmannnity September 15, 2011 at 1:33 pm

No, Alzheimer's is God's punishment for gays. I think it's in the scriptures somewhere.

Jukesgrrl September 16, 2011 at 6:03 am

Most people don't notice it, but the Westboro Baptist Church can tell you where to find it.

DashboardBuddha September 15, 2011 at 1:48 pm

If he did, he forgot. Mrs. Robertson is having the divorce papers written up as we speak.

Steverino247 September 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Here's to you, Mrs. Robertson
Jesus turned your brains into poo
Woo, woo, woo.

Arken September 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Good song, but really, her agreeing to marry Pat Robertson means her brain was poo already.

EatsBabyDingos September 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Needz moar blood diamonds.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:57 pm

I thought those were WHORE diamonds. No?

Goddammit.

weejee September 15, 2011 at 1:12 pm

The sooner Pat raptures, the better. ♪♫ Bye, bye, 'Murica's cowpie ♫♪

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:58 pm

From your lips to the ear equivalents of any sentient lifeform with the capacity to instantly earn the gratitude of most of the human race.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Jesus is all about love. And how can you get some good loving if your spouse can't remember anything?

flamingpdog September 15, 2011 at 2:26 pm

On the other hand, you can give her some bad loving, and she won't nag you about it the next day (month, year, decade).

jjdaddyo September 15, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Monday: "…You don't remember? No really, honey, I gave YOU oral last time. It's your turn to return the favor"
Tuesday: "…You don't remember? No really, honey, I gave YOU oral last time. It's your turn to return the favor"
Wednesday: "…You don't remember? No really, honey, I gave YOU oral last time. It's your turn to return the favor"
….

Swampgas_Man September 15, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Rohypnol is for lovers.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Ahahahaha!! Are you fucking kidding me? You'll have GREAT sex ALL THE TIME. Because they won't remember that y'all just fucked like bunnies yesterday. Geeze, dood, every night will be sexay time, and she'll be happy to do all the dicklicking in the world, because she won't remember that she never did enjoy that before, or any of the other million paraphilias you might nurse.

OK, dicklicking is NOT a paraphilia, it's a basic human male need.

EatsBabyDingos September 15, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Oh, Pat. We'd forgotten all about you. Like a bad case of the clap.

Callyson September 15, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Just when you thought the treatment had finally worked, it flares up again…

Goonemeritus September 15, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I guess solemn pledges before God don’t mean what they used to. I will have to look over what I have promised and see what opportunities this new set of rules allow.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Through sickness and health, until DEATH — not MAN — do us part. I've always felt that marriage should be a civil ceremony with none of ^^ this yaya, because when you take those vows, you are promising to do things that most people just can't even comprehend when they're young and healthy and fulla juice.

chascates September 15, 2011 at 1:14 pm

This is good news for Pat Robertson's wife.

AnAmericanInTO September 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm

See, I assumed based on the headline that Mrs. Robertson was the "spouse with Alzheimers."

He's just laying the groundwork for the future, I guess.

PuckStopsHere September 15, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Watching the 700 Club is also "a kind of death."

baconzgood September 15, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I mentioned to a friend today that it's like Fox hopped up on meth.

DaRooster September 15, 2011 at 3:04 pm

It even affects the brain…

OKthennext September 15, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Exactly unlike and opposite to the 'little death'.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Yes, but it's only mental, so no worries.

chicken_thief September 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Naturally the lamestream media once again edited the quote from the good Reverend. Lopped off from the end of his advice was his alternative "… or you could just shoot the ditzy bitch."

OneYieldRegular September 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Finally: Pat gives Mrs. Robertson a legitimate reason to walk out on him.

Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs. Robertson! Jesus loves you more than you will know!

DashboardBuddha September 15, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Well done!

WhatTheHolyHeck September 15, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Yet if it's the guy whose brain has turned to concrete, the wife is an unpardonable Jezebel for finding another man to service her. Men have needs, silly whore, and God understands when they need a divorce.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

"In sickness or in health…."

Unless it is a major illness, then fuck all that.

MissTaken September 15, 2011 at 1:21 pm

"Unless it is a major illness, then fuck all that"

Coincidentally that's also the title to Chapter 1 of the Newt Gingrich "Guide to a Loving Marriage" book.

LetUsBray September 15, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Chapter 2: "Not being young and hot is a major illness".

OneYieldRegular September 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Proving that marriage between evangelical Christians is an abomination before God.

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 15, 2011 at 1:26 pm

That just so happens to also be the complete and unabridged text of the Republican health care plan.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I thought that the Republican health care plan was "If you have a major illness, just die already. Galt lives!!!!!!!!"

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 15, 2011 at 1:56 pm

That's just the sugar-coated version for the masses.

hagajim September 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I didn't realize that Pat had a direct line to Jesus…I guess I've been wrong about him all these years. Hope you burn in hell fuckstick! (not because of that specific comment, but because he's a mean little prick and basically the epitome of what is rotten in this country).

Jukesgrrl September 16, 2011 at 6:07 am

Just like the pope, but with more boring clothes.

MissTaken September 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Glad to know that whole "in sickness and in health" thing has an out clause!

Barb September 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Okay, let's say you get your daughter a shot of Tardacil? Oopsie, typo, Gardacil and she gets the Bachmann side effects. Can you put them up for adoption and start making another baby?

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 15, 2011 at 1:27 pm

It's the practice for making another baby that counts.

Schmannnity September 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Way to get that typo by the censors. I had a comment deleted yesterday.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 1:39 pm

"The Bachmann side effect." Is that where you always seem to be staring into another dimension while you mouth just makes things up to keep working?

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I want you to know, Lionel[redacted]Esq, that I got a stern talking-to from some irate Californian who wants me to know that Michele got HER degree in Law from William and Mary (which is actually a good school), and who was *I* to criticize her.

Not that that's of any import to you, I'm sure, except I wish you'd hold forth on the value of a tax law degree (I presume it's an LLM?) from William and Mary for the clinically insane.

Edited for typo

flamingpdog September 15, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Of course you can. As judgmental Teatards are wont to say, "If it ain't a fetus, you don't need us!"

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Tardacil is my new Trig.

SayItWithWookies September 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

The chairman of the Christian Broadcasting Network, which airs the 700 Club, said he wouldn't "put a guilt trip" on anyone who divorces a spouse who suffers from the illness, but added, "Get some ethicist besides me to give you the answer."

That's the best advice Pat Robertson has ever given — in fact, it's the only advice worth taking that he's ever given.

Arken September 15, 2011 at 2:03 pm

If there is a god and he ever spoke through Pat Robertson, that was when he did it.

SayItWithWookies September 15, 2011 at 2:40 pm

God's not necessary — Pat just had a transient attack of sense, or maybe a slip of the tongue when he meant to say something different. These things happen from time to time — God doesn't.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:14 pm

I'm much more willing to believe in a neurological misfire as the cause than any invisible sky-fairy.

JustPixelz September 15, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Do the new "until kind of death do us part" rules apply to cancer?

Bonzos_Bed_Time September 15, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Newt was just wonderin'.

Sue4466 September 15, 2011 at 1:27 pm

If you're Newt Gingrich, yes.

baconzgood September 15, 2011 at 1:53 pm

(Insert Newt joke)

freakishlywrong September 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Why is it the wife, fucker? Has Mrs. Pat Robinson left him yet?

Jukesgrrl September 16, 2011 at 6:11 am

Yes, I noticed he didn't issue this invitation to a wife whose husband no longer knows who he's poking. My guess: SHE's still supposed to be the "custodial care."

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:15 pm

C'mon, ladies, you know he's a Christian man. Ladies sure are nice and pretty and all that stuff, but in the end what it comes down to is God made Eve from Adam's rib to serve all his earthly needs. If alla y'all would just remember that, life would be so much better.

JustPixelz September 15, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Of course marriage is one man plus one woman. Plus an extra woman if the first one is broken.

DashboardBuddha September 15, 2011 at 1:50 pm

May I quote you?

JustPixelz September 15, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Of course! But that principle doesn't work on actual current wife. I've decided it's best not to ask why.

LesBontemps September 15, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Maybe she's broken?

Oblios_Cap September 15, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Jebus walked on the water
I do believe it's true
I believe Pat Robertson
would like to do a little walkin', too.

Swampgas_Man September 15, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Like to see him walk on air.

W/ a noose around his neck.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Pat was such a swinger!

Callyson September 15, 2011 at 1:25 pm

A "kind of death" is good enough for divorce now? Oh boy, here come the floodgates:
My wife only has sex with me once or twice a week. Her hoo-ha is dead. Time for divorce.
My hubby won't take me anywhere–we haven't been out to dinner in months. His will to live is dead. Time for divorce.
My spouse is unemployed and depresssed. Initiative is dead. Time for divorce.
My partner recently started to listen to Pat Robertson. Brain – dead. Divorce!

Arken September 15, 2011 at 2:04 pm

'Only' have sex once or twice a week?

You must not be married.

Steverino247 September 15, 2011 at 2:12 pm

It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your divorce lawyer is?

Swampgas_Man September 15, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Actually the Torah allows divorce if the parties have stopped attempting to have sex.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Both the Torah and the Quran specify that a married couple has a duty to satisfy each others' sexual needs. I wonder why that is not in the Christian New Testament.

widestanceshakedown September 15, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Why would one divorce her check-collecting ass?

When she drools down her chin, she means yes. When she forgets your name, she means anal.

Sue4466 September 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Doesn't sound cruel Pat. It IS cruel you stupid fuck.

LettucePrey September 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm

This reminds me of the following very inappropriate joke:

An old man takes his wife to the doctor.
Doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS, but we don't know which."
Old Man says, "Oh my God. What do I do?"
Doctor says, "Drop her off a mile away from your house. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

Anyhoo, why won't Pat Robertson just hurry up and die?

ArmoredLibunatic September 15, 2011 at 1:30 pm

“…he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her,” Robertson said.

Somebody like a spouse to look after her? Especially if they've been married to someone long enough for her to come down with Alzheimer's.

And this comes from some godless commie lefty who luuuurves his wife, so suck on that Pat.

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:44 pm

According to Ron Paul, churches and family and neighbors and stuff would take care of her. No need to pay medical expenses.

Jukesgrrl September 16, 2011 at 6:16 am

I'm hoping Ron Jr. and Patti deliver Nancy Reagan to Ron Paul's front porch this weekend with a note that says, "Remember Dr. Paul, she likes red blankets with diamonds sewn on them. And don't forget she faints a lot."

ProudLibunatic September 15, 2011 at 7:29 pm

She just "started" having symptoms. It could be years!
How comforting it must be to have a husband with one foot out the door!
Some "friend!"

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:23 pm

The utter hard-heartedness of that comment from Robertson makes me quail. And I've had to take care of various people in stages of disability, so I know quite well what it's like. Never in my life could I imagine NOT taking care of a family member who was disabled by Alzheimer's. I know enough not to think I could do it by myself, but it would not even occur to me to think of deserting a person at that sad stage of their life.

OC_Surf_Serf September 15, 2011 at 1:33 pm

But, Pat, why is Jeebus so silent about illegal diamond mining in Liberia?

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I do think of this fucktard and Liberia sometimes. I do. Fucktard.

fuflans September 16, 2011 at 10:35 pm

!!!

win!!

MissTaken September 15, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Sanctity of Marriage = One Man + One Woman*

*Unless that woman gets Alzheimer's, and then that man can feel free to dump her forgetful ass and get it on with that hot piece of tail he met in his weekly bowling league.

Goonemeritus September 15, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Ok so look at the logic here “the disease is a kind of death.” So if mental illness is a kind of death what else is it ok to do to the mentally ill? I know Saint Ronnie felt ok put them all on the street but can we put a pillow over their face. And at what point is it ok, my wife mentioned yesterday that she is misplacing her wallet more often, can she be morally knocked on the head at this point?

Dr_Zoidberg September 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Yes, you can morally knock your wife on the head. Driving her out to the country and leaving her there is also approved.

Dudleydidwrong September 15, 2011 at 4:53 pm

The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
The Dead Collector: He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Jesus, you're fifty! Why, when Newt Gingrich was your age, he'd gone through at LEAST two, man.

Dr_Zoidberg September 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

What if your spouse has a bad case of Pat Robertson?

MissTaken September 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

"but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her"

That sounds awfully socialist to me. Didn't Santorum just teach us that old people should be working and taking care of themselves and not relying on others?

LetUsBray September 15, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Damn right. The spouse with Alzheimer's should just get a damn job!

Jukesgrrl September 16, 2011 at 6:19 am

It's probably no problem if the greeters at Walmart have Alzheimer's.

Radiotherapy® September 15, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Hey, Pat, what if it's a gay marriage?

baconzgood September 15, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Pat line 2. It's Jesus and he sounds really fucking pissed.

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Jesus gave up on this guy a long time ago.

baconzgood September 15, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Just release them into the wild. Eventually they'll become feral and be able to forage for themselves.

Dr_Zoidberg September 15, 2011 at 1:59 pm

This made me laugh out loud.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:26 pm

See what I mean? And I thought I was a mean, cruel person. I feel like I've come home.

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Talking point for the next republican debate. Which is what, like, every three days now?

Chichikovovich September 15, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Well, they want to make sure that *whenever* the President wants to make a speech, they have a debate that day.

Swampgas_Man September 15, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Didn't St Ronnie try that w/ all the other crazies?

baconzgood September 15, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Republican presidential candidate Pat Robertson. I still wake up in cold sweats thinking of those words.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Heck, here in Washington State, the Republicans in 1988 gave him the state in the Caucuses that year, and also came out against yoga and witchcraft.

Luckily the Republican party is at least witch friendly 20 plus years later.

baconzgood September 15, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Wasn't Ted Bundy a Washington State Republican around that time?

SayItWithWookies September 15, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Clearly he was a RINO.

LetUsBray September 15, 2011 at 4:02 pm

But yoga is still bad because 9/11, amirite?

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Did you have a mother who voted for him? Consider yourself a lucky baconzgood.

Indiepalin September 15, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry. Feel better now?

Jukesgrrl September 16, 2011 at 6:23 am

Republican presidential candidate Pat Buchanan struck me the same way. (To this day my mother can't tell the two Pats apart.)

baconzgood September 16, 2011 at 9:02 am

They are 2 different people?!??!?!?!??!?!??!?!?! (double shudder).

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I was just going to say that I can never tell those two fuckers apart.

Porter Melmoth September 15, 2011 at 1:44 pm

This is an opportune time for Nancy Reagan to discreetly donate Ronnie's doll (that so comforted him at the beginning of his Alzheimer's voyage) to Rev. Pat, to comfort him at the beginning of his own voyage to Alzheimer's zombieland. After all, she knows all the telltale signs.

Guppy06 September 15, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Terry Schiavo

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

You can divorce your spouse, you can't just let them die a dignified death.

horsedreamer_1 September 15, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Plus, Terri's illness wasn't Alzheimer's; she was abused horribly by her husband, abuse which led to her diminished mental & physical state.

(Ain't spin grand? Especially, when it doesn't have to be true.)

DerrickWildcat September 15, 2011 at 1:46 pm

“I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she's stoned to death first to make it official."

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Sounds much better.

baconzgood September 15, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Custodial care= jamming her in a janitors closet with a bucket of hose water and a sleeve of salteens.

Mumbletypeg September 15, 2011 at 1:47 pm

"It's occurred to me God has a bad case of Alzheimer's and forgotten we exist." — Jane Wagner, Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe.

The continued ramblings of, and mere existence of, the likes of Pat Robertson bear this theory out.

BarackMyWorld September 15, 2011 at 1:50 pm

To be fair, Robertson did parse it with "if he’s going to do something."

A little like saying "If you're going to rape someone, at least wear a condom," but still.

johnnyzhivago September 15, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Divorce her??? Right and involve a bunch of Democrat lawyers??? Just take her out to the woods and let her go.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Leave roller skates on every step of every stairway in the house. Sooner or later, one of you won't have to put up with the other any more. And hey, if it's you — you've been true to your marriage vows, if death do you part, right?

Radiotherapy® September 15, 2011 at 1:51 pm

"Til death or forgetfulness do us part."

HistoriCat September 15, 2011 at 1:51 pm

My condolences to the Robertson family – I assume Pat's wife has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and he's just laying the groundwork while he's laying the secretary.

BarackMyWorld September 15, 2011 at 1:52 pm

The next caller was Newt from Georgia, who wanted to know "What about cancer?"

BarackMyWorld September 15, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Another caller, Donald from NYC wants to know "What if she turns 40?"

mumbly_joe September 15, 2011 at 8:16 pm

John from Arizona Panama wants to know, "What if she broke her leg and also I'm a war hero who could do better?"

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:46 pm

James, from Texas, wants to know, "What if her boobs went from a perky 34DD to a 36Long?"

Madfall September 15, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Only brain cancer counts according to Uncle Pat.

KeepFnThatChicken September 15, 2011 at 3:40 pm

…or has sex with a brown, 24 years ago?

Wilcoxyz September 15, 2011 at 1:52 pm

A woman who can't remember what a selfish jerk I am, awesome, I'll marry her.

AlterNewt September 15, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Dogma a la carte.

DashboardBuddha September 15, 2011 at 1:54 pm

And the lord sayeth, "wave a balloon in front of thine wife's eyes. If the eyes doth follow, cleave only onto her. But, if the eyes follow not thou will setest up an account with AdultFriendFinder.com. Thou mayest get laid tonight"

Book of Sexytimes 3:12

(Edited for your pleasure)

Monsieur_Grumpe September 15, 2011 at 1:57 pm

It has been a while since we visited with Newt and Callista…

Callista: Newteekins what are you watching on TV?
Newt: The 700 Club dear.
Callista: That’s nice. Pat is such a great American. We need more like him.
Newt: Yes we do. Do you remember that time where we were in the capital talking with David Vitter about how the concept of marriage has changed over the years?
Callista: No, I don’t remember that at all.
Newt: Memory is funny thing isn’t it dear? Could you do me a favor and look up the phone number of our lawyer for me.
Callista: Of course Newty-poop, anything for you.

DrunkenPalmetto September 15, 2011 at 1:58 pm

In a related story, Pat is leaving his alzheimer's patient wife.

Wilcoxyz September 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Lemme see if I get this. God wants folks to LEGALLY divorce a sick spouse. Because he cares about adultery in a legal sense.

bebecca2298 September 17, 2011 at 9:31 am

That's the part that has gone unnoticed, isn't it? Divorce is ok, adultery is bad. How fucked up are his priorities?

mavenmaven September 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

And don't forget to leave her in the street without insurance!

DustBowlBlues September 15, 2011 at 2:07 pm

The old man is hard of hearing and too proud to wear a hearing aid (besides, you don't have to hear anything to surf porn) and when I'm in public with other people, I realize that I'm yelling at them and have to apologize and lower my voice. So, really, living with a man who can't hear shit is llke living with a dead man. Not to mention that watching television at max volume is destroying MY hearing, so pretty soon, I'll be same as dead, too.

Sounds like grounds for divorce in Pat Robertson's view.

MissTaken September 15, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Silly DBB, the "a kind of death" exemption only applies when the spouse that is causing all the problems is a woman.

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Although, DBB, to be fair, you're actually concerned with what Jesus thinks, so you can't be as cruel as Pat.

finallyhappy September 15, 2011 at 5:16 pm

and when you go to sleep- or try to- does the house feel like it is moving because the damn TV is turned up so loud on some violent crap that every explosion/crash literally shakes the floors. Plus mine has hearing aids!!

ProudLibunatic September 15, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Did he start out by accusing you of mumbling all the time?
I swear, if Mr. Fatale says "what?" again, I WILL start mumbling just to fuck with him.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:51 pm

In his later years, Dad was pretty damn deef, having had an eardrum blown out by the war. He was a man of very few words, my Dad. I dragged him to the geriatrician and got him a hearing aid. The man NEVER wore it. Mom was ragging on him for it one day and he looked at me, mid-tirade, and said, "For fifty years I managed not to hear a word that woman said, and now you've gone and ruined it." He also accused her of muttering under her breath.

BlueStateLibel September 15, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Note how he says it's OK if a MAN divorces his wife. There's another religion that lets men off the hook real quick, but not the other way around, I wonder what it is. You could also argue that erectile disfunction is also a "kind of death," hence, I suppose the high U.S. divorce rate.

Guppy06 September 15, 2011 at 2:17 pm

What if your spouse experineces la petite mort?

flamingpdog September 15, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Damn, 22 minutes too late! Upthumbs for you!

gullywompr September 16, 2011 at 12:37 am

10 hours too late here. And here I was patting myself on the back over how clever I was going to be… Dammit, Why are the good ones always taken?

Guppy06 September 16, 2011 at 9:34 am

Because you have a life.

ph7 September 15, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Watching 700 Club to pick up these nuggets truly is a selfess act. You know Pat will reliably deliver a beaut like this every week or so, but having to listen to him blather in the interim? I can't see how the payoff is worth the agony that must be endured.

emmelemm September 15, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Actually, they reported this ridiculous statement on my local news last night, so I didn't have to watch the 700 Club to hear about it. (Whew!) I guess they thought it was just THAT ridiculous.

metamarcisf September 15, 2011 at 4:43 pm

I watch it because I'm in love with Terry. And Lee.

Chichikovovich September 15, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Look Pat – this is what happens when you accept "earthly ties" in contradiction to the plain teaching of Luke 9:59-60. Next thing you know, you'll be wanting to bury your dead. I'm really starting to question your commitment to the Lord and his express teachings.

proudgrampa September 15, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Jesus was a selfish shit, wasn't he?

MiniMencken September 15, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Isn't that special?

Nothingisamiss September 15, 2011 at 2:48 pm

What if my fetus did not have any functioning brain cells?

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:54 pm

If you're a woman, tough shit. Otherwise, well, it's your wife's (girlfriend's/sister's/daughter's/mother's) problem.

WinterOuthouse September 15, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Robertson is a genital wart

proudgrampa September 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

So, Newt Gingrich divorces his wife after her diagnosis with cancer, Pat Robertson OKs divorce from Alzheimer's. I see a pattern here…

Oh, I got it. They are fucking assholes.

iburl September 15, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Divorce is surely Jesus' answer to the question of loving your spouse in Illness. Book of Newt, chapter 1, wife 5.

DahBoner September 15, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Pat Robertson is a bigger threat to marriage than gays?

Till death do us part, what a big fucking gay joke, right Pat?

Blueb4sunrise September 15, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Needz moar Schiavo

Soylent Green September 15, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Uh- oh. Does this mean Mrs. Robertson is starting to "slip"?

KeepFnThatChicken September 15, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Tell us, Pope Robertson, if it's okay to divorce your wife if she's goddamned crazy? Or mean-hearted and sour? Or maybe if she is hypocritical about how she raises her children, and you foresee her spending habits on an ungrateful child to project you both into a poor-house?

"Projecting"?! What do you mean, "projecting"?

Papa_Uniform September 15, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Pat always was the faithful sort. Even as a young Marine he jumped his troop ship headed for Korea in Japan for a cushy job Daddy had arranged for him. His buddies got their frozen butts shot off while he banged Geishas 'til it was time to come home, a war hero. Semper Fi Pat they call him.

GhostBuggy September 15, 2011 at 4:43 pm

“I know it sounds cruel…"

A good summary of religion in general, really. Also, fuck off and die, Pat.

metamarcisf September 15, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Is it OK, then, to divorce your wife if she objects to you showing up drunk at the family reunion and parking the car on top of the swing set?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 15, 2011 at 5:41 pm

So, is this whole "My wife is ill" a total get out of jail free card? Can I marry my gay lover if my wife has Alzheimer's?

rambone September 15, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Is it also a "kind of death" if one's wife ends up with a big vag after giving birth to one's child?

Indiepalin September 15, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Which is why Caesar invented C-Sections.

Pristine_ODummy September 17, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Oh, hell, yeah. No sense throwing your hot dog down THAT hallway. Get a tighter one.

Redhead September 15, 2011 at 6:38 pm

I came home last weekend (from the bar, drunk) and fell asleep on the couch with the tv on. I forget what late night thing I was watching, but it went off after I fell asleep…. and I had a bizarre dream that I was at the doctor and the doctor kept telling me that he wasn't going to run any tests to diagnose something that was wrong with me, he was just going to trust that God would take care of it. After yelling at him to be a fucking doctor in my dream, I woke up and one of those annoying religious shows was on – I'm not sure if it was this asshat, or another one as they all are basically the same level of asshat.

Yeah, I really got nothing. Just that these guys are soulless, shitty people whose souls will rot and who will rot your souls (and brain) if you let them. This isn't surprising in the least, now that I read to make sure it was a HUSBAND leaving the WIFE with Alzheimer's, cause you can bet your ass that he would have told a woman she was going to hell for leaving her Alzheimer's husband.

mumbly_joe September 15, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I don't know what you're talking about, Pat Robertson deciding that Alzeimers is more "like death" than it is like, say, the sickness part of "in sickness and health" is perfectly consistent with the other positions he's taken, on, say, how much Terri Schiavo's brain death was like death.

Everybody remembers that, right? The time that Pat Robertson said there was nothing wrong with accepting that a woman who was brain dead and had no chance of recovery really was dead, and there was nothing wrong with withdrawing the heroic measures that were preventing the rest of her organs from catching up with the status of her brain? Because clearly that must have been a position Pat Robertson held, by logic.

mumbly_joe September 15, 2011 at 8:34 pm

And meanwhile, my Godless Heathen Advice would have been that I wouldn't necessarily judge the guy for banging some other lady (if only because the thought of attempting Marital Relations with someone with end-stage dementia strikes me as very, very icky on multiple levels), but at the same time, his wife is family, and he really does have a responsibility to support her, especially if he's all the family she has.

But, you know, that's really just as clear a sign as anything that I need more Jeebus in my life, so that I can larn the true Jeebus-lovin' sort of morality, which involves telling people to abandon their ailing spouses, and also using ministry efforts as a front for blood diamond operations in collaboration with a dictator who committed countless atrocities including the use of child soldiers, rape, sexual slavery, torture and enslavement, not to mention various war crimes..

Jukesgrrl September 16, 2011 at 6:30 am

Pat should know … the first sign of Alzheimer's is sending a check to the 700 Club.

ttommyunger September 16, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Once again, Pat Robberson performs a miracle: he is able to actually top himself.

BZ1 September 17, 2011 at 1:24 am

was Mrs Robertson the one who had the Alzheimer's??

bebecca2298 September 17, 2011 at 9:34 am

Well jesus knows a man has needs at any age…..

OKthennext September 17, 2011 at 11:21 am

Also…
This is the EXACT 'moral relativism' that the evil secular humanist godless atheists support. Weighing the relative good in extremely complex moral situations versus following a clear bright scriptural line without fail.

What is Christian fundamentalism coming to??!!?/!! The shame.

Schmegeg September 17, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Pat's wife is packing her bags. Make sure she leaves a box of Depends and taped reruns of the Price is Right

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