someone needs a nap

Childish Republican Gleefully Steals ‘American Jobs Act’ Title From Obama

Har har, we really got him this time, boys!Imbecile Texas Republican Louie Gohmert is rolling around on the floor of his congressional office in a fit of snickering and spittle, because he figured out that no lawmaker had officially proposed Barack Obama’s American Jobs Act to Congress. This means that technically speaking, the name “American Jobs Act” did not yet exist in the files, because the Democrats are losers. Gohmert immediately pooped himself with puerile excitement and ran off to scribble “American Jobs Act: no more corporate taxes forever” on two sheets of paper and then handed it over to the House. BAM, filed. He wins, that’s it! The name is his! Hahahahaha, take that, uppity Negro President! Go tell everyone to pass the American Jobs Act now!

From the Daily Caller:

Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-TX) has gone a step further than mere talking points, snagging the name “American Jobs Act” for his own bill in the House. Gohmert named his bill Wednesday morning, according to his office, before any Democratic representative had introduced Obama’s bill for him.

“After waiting to see what the President would actually put into legislative language, and then waiting to see if anybody would actually introduce the President’s bill in the House, today I took the initiative and introduced the ‘American Jobs Act of 2011,’” Gohmert said in a statement Wednesday afternoon.

The bill would “amend the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 to repeal the corporate income tax.”Gohmert touted his two-page bill as a simple alternative to Obama’s 155-page legislation and ends the press release cheekily, “If we really want to create jobs and grow the economy, we must pass ‘The American Jobs Act’ now.”

Meanwhile, a new poll finds that a large plurality of Americans blame the Republicans more than anyone else for destroying America with their petulant refusal to govern like a dignified body of elected lawmakers in favor of running around like naughty children stealing other peoples’ homework. [Daily Caller]

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    1. mormos

      Gohmert Pyle was a man who cared about Mayberry and the people in it. Don't sully the name and the man by comparing him to this jackass.

    1. MrFizzy

      I have lately been thinking how easy it would be for a reasonable person to just dominate the Republican party – I bet you 75% of conservatives are just thinking "what a bunch of fucking morons we have running this party". All you'd have to do is say that the tea party is a fringe group, and that you'd be willing to work with Dems in the context of fiscal restraint.

        1. MrFizzy

          A very good point indeed. It would be interesting to see someone like Romney take a detour, but I don't think that's gonna happen – by the time they get to that point they're pretty well brainwashed. Too bad for us all.

        1. MrFizzy

          Quite right – I think I made a temporary stop in the twilight zone, thinking that reasonable and republican could occupy the same sentence, nevermind a political position.

        1. MrFizzy

          Yeah, yeah – I have to lay off the mezcal before noon. I actually do believe this on some level though – it's just that that the conservative political/propaganda (sorry, redundant) machine isn't ever going to allow anyone reasonable to get any traction – where's the money in that? Oh well. Panama is looking pretty goddamn good at this point.

          1. Not_So_Much

            Admirable, really wish it were feasible. The lunatic fringe is what sells in that party. They're having a 'Crazy Off' for the nomination right now, then the winner will dial it back to they don't scare Teh Oldz. And what are they gonna do — vote for a, uh, 'non-white person' of questionable heritage?

      1. GOPCrusher

        It's too bad that people like Huntsman and Romney have to pander to the asshats that make up the current base of the Republiklan Party in order to get the sheckles.

    2. OzoneTom

      Actually, it may be useful that the GOP has put down it's entire job-creating formula in such a clear manner.

      A hypothetical opposition party could come up with something that might resonate with the masses to compete. Call it the “American Peoples Jobs Act”

    3. HedonismBot

      "Thus proving (once again) that Republicans don't care about the deficit, the jobs, or anything else except making the rich even richer. "
      Now now. Give them a little more credit. They also care an awful lot about finding novel and juvenile new ways to humiliate the president.

    4. Boojum_Reborn

      How about the Populist Party? Platform: (1) Who you marry is none of our business. (2) People who make shit loads of money should pay shit loads of taxes or we will just cold take that money away from them. (3) We will use that tax money to build shit that people need and need to build. (4) If you shoot at us, we will shoot back, but we are not in the business of using tax money to hire security guards for companies who are making money in other countries.

      1. chicken_thief

        Maybe add in a little somethin somethin about "if you own or run a business and you can't police yourself, we'll do it for you".

  1. Sue4466

    Bush. Perry. Gohmert.

    Molly Ivins is dead and Jim Hightower can move.

    Please, Texas, secede allfuckingready.

      1. Callyson

        Now, *that's* a thought actually…a few decent – minded folks in Austin and the like can start an uprising after Texas secedes, and then we'll be fighting for democracy…
        Oh wait–I am getting over my caffeine buzz and remembering how well our interventions usually work. Never mind…

      2. Negropolis

        Well, they do have enough brown people to justify such a campaign, after all. Of course, we'd leave them alone, and maybe we'd make Austin a "West Berlin" enclave.

  2. Come here a minute

    Now the Democrat who introduces the bill will have to rename it to "The American Jobs Act of 2011 and Fuck You Louie Gohmert."

    1. Callyson

      The Democrat who does that will receive a small but meaningful contribution from me, stat. Come on, Dems, time for *someone* to have a backbone…

    2. ChessieNefercat

      How about "The Bestest Ever American Jobs Act, so there, dumbass Republicans who think games like Gohmert's will win the hearts and minds of sentient* Americans."

      *Note to Republicans; "sentient" is not an ethnic group. Dumbasses.

          1. GunToting[Redacted]

            True, but they have “worms,” so that could possibly work. Maybe Gohmert has the same strain of hookworm as SP…

  3. hagajim

    Is Louis Gohmert just another Gomer or what? Meanwhile, down in Green Acres, "a new poll finds that a plurality of Americans blame the Republicans for destroying America" – but yet they plan to vote for imbecile Rick Perry, magic underwear man Mittens Romney, or batshit crazy zealot Michelle Bachmann before they'd vote for that Kenyan Mooslim again.

  4. JoshuaNorton

    Up next: A new wingnut bill called "The Constitution" and one called "Declaration of Independence". Neither one will have anything to do with their titles, but how could you be against The Constitution, commie?

    1. Sue4466

      It's like the "Clear Skies" bill. How can you say you're against clear skies? think of the children. Even though it had nothing to do with clearing the skies, except of breathable air.

      1. HogeyeGrex

        Speaking of the children, how about "No Child Left Behind"? Or my personal favorite bit of doublespeak, the "Help America Vote Act"?

    2. ChessieNefercat

      This could be fun. How about a bill called "The Second Amendment." It would include The Marriage Liberty Act, and The Medicare for All Act. You know, because a well-regulated militia, etc…

    1. An_Outhouse

      I really admire what it takes to be a congressman. I would have jumped over desks and punched the living shit out of that snivelling coward. Murtha almost had him crying.

  5. baconzgood

    I beat him! I named my cock American Jobs Act. So everyone has to get busy on the American Jobs Act. For America.

          1. poncho_pilot

            no unicorn–just a large quantity of the powdered, black meat of the giant, aquatic, Brazilian centipede.

          2. baconzgood

            By the way horse. I rubbed Roberto's crotch and said NA-NA-NA-nananannanana yesterday for The Brew Crew but noticed that the Cards beat the Bucks in an afternoon game. Sorry buddy. But I don't mind rubbing Clemente's crotch.

    1. powersuit

      3rd graders still have a sense of compassion (and a fondness for poop and penis jokes). No, Gohmert is straight on middle school–insecure, selfish, vindictive, manic.

      What a loser. No snark. That this dog barf was actually elected tells you all you need to know about what has happened to our country.

  6. Maman

    I look at the behavior of Republicans as a reminder of what it was like in the "good olde days" if you were black. Acts of petty cruelty by bullies and silent acceptance by the rest of southerners.

    1. JustPixelz

      You're off by a couple hundred years. The TP'ers yearn for 19th century America, which included slavery and after the Civil War a de facto slavery as Jim Crow laws took hold. They love that shit. Ask a TP'er about Civil Rights laws.

    1. Negropolis

      Name it the "You're totally gay if you don't vote for this bill Act of 2011" and see how fast those fuckers' names flash on the congressional scoreboard.

  7. fuflans

    Meanwhile, a new poll finds that a plurality of Americans blame the Republicans more than anyone else for destroying America.

    wtf? we were paying attention?

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Pardon me while I set up my soapbox. I am not the original poster. I am just butting in. Oh, and this is not directed at our dear fuflans. Okay.

        I don't think you should be punched. You saying something that I already know, doesn't make you patronizing. It makes you willing to share information. (There are other people on the planet besides me; some of them may find what you have to say a useful thing to learn.)

        This country (I'm looking at you, 'baggers) needs to bitchslap their whimpering self-esteem and get over the whiningly defensive idea that someone else knowing something that you don't is the mark of an elitist patronizing you with their fancy book-learning stuff.

        a) If you already know it, you (if you are a reasonable person) ignore it, because someone else reading it might not know it.
        b) If you didn't know it, an appropriate response is "Thank you, I didn't know that.

        Hopping down off my soapbox. Pardon me, carry on. Bustling off to butt in elsewhere. Or I could go get dinner going.

    1. prommie

      I haven't had a hand-job since 1978. What a bit of sexual notsalgia that would be, to get a hand-job. Are hand-jobs cheating?

      1. JustPixelz

        If you are a Repubican and HJ is from another man, no.
        If you are a Repubican and HJ is from a lobbyist, no.
        If you are a Repubican and HJ is from subordinate, no.
        If you are a Demoncrat, yes.

        1. chicken_thief

          And: If you are a Republican (even if your name isn't "Vitter") and you pay for said HJ from a woman, no.

      2. sunmusing

        It depends on how you define "nostalgia". I knew a girl named Nostalgia, once….. OMG, that was a blow-job…….never mind. What were we talking about?
        Oh… is masturbating considered a "hand-job"?

        1. prommie

          Masturbating is only a hand job if you do "the stranger," which is when you sit on your hand until it falls asleep, gets numb, and then masturbate with that hand.

    2. HogeyeGrex

      Doesn't seem terribly accurate. Whatever bill makes it through Congress is going to wind up fucking us thoroughly.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I'm thinking they'll go with something like "The Pretending to Create Jobs for Americans but Actually Conceding to the Oligarchical Demands of the Wealthy Resulting in Still Fewer Jobs and Increased Income Stratification Act of 2011".

  8. baconzgood

    2 pages for a law? Shit my Child support agreement is longer than that. And all that basically sais is "Pay the bitch or go to jail".

    1. hagajim

      Gotta love those Child Support agreements…especially when the State does everything it can to fuck you, but won't lift a finger when your wife is in violation of the custody agreement.

      1. baconzgood

        OHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!!! The lawyer said "Unless she comes in on herion in panties forget any kinda = custody in PA unless she agrees to it. I don't mind paying Child support but paying for her to have 2 cars, and a 3 week vacation at the Outerbanks I do. I've NEVER and I mean NEVER took a week off to go on vacation in my LIFE!

        1. V572 T-Blow

          Alan Ball's stuff has something cold and clinical about it, although it's very good. I prefer the sloppy genius of Altman, whose many failures are rendered inconsequential by his triumphs. "Gosford Park," for instance, where rich English lady Maggie Smith lives in a world so narrow and comfortable that she is baffled when social climbing American Bob Balaban says "Okay" to her. "Oaew kay?" she asks, nose in the air, apparently never having heard the expression before.

          1. prommie

            Derp derp. I like American Beauty because you get to see both Mena Suvari and Thora Burch's boobs, and, dude, everyone is totally getting high all through the movie, its a total stoner movie, man.

      1. prommie

        Oui, Monsieur. Please forgive my non-sequitors, nothing makes sense to me lately and I take comfort in being nonsensical.

    1. jqheywood

      I'm all lost in the supermarket
      I can no longer shop happily
      I came in here for that special offer
      A guaranteed personality

      1. prommie

        Why do you try to cheat?
        And trample people under your feet
        Don't you know it is wrong?
        To cheat the trying man
        So you better stop, it is the wrong 'em boyo

        1. Come here a minute

          Don't use the rules,
          They're not for you, they're for the fools.
          And you're a fool if you don't know that.
          So use the rules you stupid fool.

    2. HarryButtle

      I'm feelin' a little more like this happy little ditty:

      When they kick out your front door
      How you gonna come?
      With your hands on your head
      Or on the trigger of your gun

  9. metamarcisf

    Destroying the Corporate Income Tax structure would have the effect of nullifying all the loopholes that people like General Electric and Newscorp make use of to get hundreds of millions in tax credits and refunds. This gomer really does not know what he;s doing, does he?

    1. yrbmegr

      So abolishing the corporate income tax is THE LARGEST TAX INCREASE IN AMERICAN HISTORY!!!!!!

      I expect a call from Fox News shortly.

  10. FakaktaSouth

    "I see you driving 'round town with the jobs act I wrote and I'm like, fuck you, and fuck her too…yeah…"

  11. powersuit

    Apparently Democrats in Congress WANT to lose the vote on this bill, just like they want to lose in 2012 and 2014, and 2016 . . . .

    It's been a week since the Speech, and Republicans are sucking up TV time trashing the prez's bill at a ratio of 20:1 to Democrats supporting it. Really, it's been crickets.

  12. SorosBot

    Wouldn't it have made more sense to steal the title for a bill that might have created one single job, instead of indirectly destroying them?

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    Pat Robertson says its okay to divorce your spouse if they get Alzheimer's, presumably because they are brain dead.

    Hope Lou's wife got the message. Now she has grounds-he's brain dead, too..

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I suppose it's OK to then dump them on the street, since they'll be off your policy, and public medical care is a commie-socialist thing.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Well, duh. It's called personal responsibility! You should think of the consequences before running out and deciding to get Alzheimers.

    2. widestanceshakedown

      I was surprised by this from Robertson, since he's only fucked brain-dead women. None of them have ever said, no or stop or ewww.

  14. mavenmaven

    They will blame the republicans but still choose them to lead the country to further destruction because anything is better than listening to a black man.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Well, if Detroit is the armpit, Florida the schlong, then Texass is clearly the asshole. It, er…, just fits.

  15. DaRooster

    Keepin' them corporate taxes low-negative truly does work wonders for jobs…

    Hey people, wherever the fuck you are… STOP VOTING FOR THESE FUCKING MORONS- they will not be happy until you are all dead! Wake the fuck up for Christ's sake!

  16. DaRooster

    "…naughty children stealing other peoples’ homework."

    He only stole the title… this Dipshit couldn't turn in a 155 page paper unless it needed to be smeared with poo.

  17. horsedreamer_1

    American Jobs Act is abbreviated AJA. So, clearly, this is just stealth means to pollute our children's minds with free-jazz.

    1. Moonbat

      I don't know that I'd call Steely Dan free jazz, but I do kinda wish the Republicans (sterting with but by no means ending with or limited to Louis Gohmert) would just take their big Black Cow and get out of here, already.

  18. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Corporate taxes are just a cost of doing business… guess who actually coughs up the dough that corporations use to pay them? It's basically a sales tax, and regressive.

    Democrats ought to take Gomer's bill, raise taxes on the rich to make up the difference, as the Republitards insist should be done, and throw the fucking document back at them. The look on the faces of Gomer and his fellow cretins would be priceless.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I'm not against that, in principle, as long as the impacts to local communities is accounted is paid for out of those taxes, and as long as the foreign owners of those corporations get the shit taxed out of them, too.

  19. donner_froh

    "Gohmert touted his two-page bill as a simple alternative"

    simple: unlearned; ignorant; lacking mental acuteness or sense; inconsequential or rudimentary.

    Works for me.

  20. Goonemeritus

    Were I in Congress I would submit the Louie Gohmert Bill. It would simply mandate that no one be allowed to say the name Louie Gohmert without using the phrase “is a Douche” directly after.

  21. donner_froh

    The bill would “amend the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 to repeal the corporate income tax.”

    At least it isn't a transparent use of legislative resources to troll for campaign contributions.

  22. HistoriCat

    Gohmert is now on the list of people I need to stay away from since I don't think I could restrain myself from kicking him in the crotch.

  23. DaRooster

    Can this guy maggot not be sued for Trademark infringement as the President clearly had a booklet with the same title on National TV and mentioned it a couple of hundred times?
    (I know someone here can answer this)

    1. Thurman Munster IV

      As your lawyer, I recommend that you take a few hits of blotter and things will begin to make more sense.

  24. BlueStateLibel

    This reminds me of one of my shithead business competitors who stole something from me, and even though I'm a non-violent person, my initial and correct response was to want to kick them in the teeth.

  25. BarackMyWorld

    Meanwhile, a new poll finds that a large plurality of Americans blame the Republicans more than anyone else for destroying America…

    This is news for Western Civlization.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I know you're being sarcastic, but NBC (I think) ran a story about how Texas legislators (big shock) wanted to do exactly that and gain that result.

    2. GOPCrusher

      On NPR this AM, a woman called in saying that the new law is just an opportunity for the government to control us and she was positive that it meant that you had to replace all of your light bulbs on Jan. 1 or the cops would show up at your house.

  26. io9k9s

    i didn't know you could turn in legislation written with jumbo crayon color red, not to mention the backward title – no doubt copied from the presidents act using silly putty….

  27. BarackMyWorld

    But but but…

    Once corporate taxes are eliminated, the extra revenue will, of course, be used to create jobs in the United States!!!


  28. poncho_pilot

    Obama could rename his act the "Republicans Have Big Dicks And Are In No Way, Shape, Or Form All A Bunch Of Closet Cases Because They Eat More Chicken Than Any Man's Ever Seen Act Of 2011".

    see if the R's vote against that.

  29. MiniMencken

    It's now official: Obama could fuck up buttered toast, or at least a bill creating a national Buttered Toast Day.

  30. DustBowlBlues

    No time to comment or read article, but have to share this news, just in:
    Laughing is healthy in all kinds of ways, according to researchers. So next time the old man asks me what I was doing all day, I'll just cold admit I've been working out. Because, god knows in these crappy, crappy, pretty much the apocolypse times, nothing makes me laugh more than wonkette and the wonkeratti.

    1. DaRooster

      Laughter is the best medicine… so if you see someone fall down and break their arm, just laugh at them… until they pass out.
      Voila. Repugnant, grade school healthcare.

  31. Tundra Grifter

    I heard Louie Gommer on Sheer uh "Am i uh An Idiot?" uh InSannity's radio show ranting that President Obama's proposal would eliminate the special tax provision for investors in oil and gas wells. Apparently if the hole is dry, the investor gets a tax break.

    I thought the conservatives wanted a tax code that "doesn't pick winners and losers."

    In this case, it sure picked a whinner and a loser.

  32. Soylent Green

    In 1955, the grade school bully was stuck in detention. As being passed over for 6th grade – twice – and in a fit of childish rage, he conveyed his bitterness with only a crayon and a couple of pieces of paper. 57 years later, the grade school bully presented his essay to Congress. Saved for only a single update. The title 'Kill Commie Robots with Polio' was scribbled out and replaced with 'American Jobs Act'. By Louie Gohmert, 5th Grade.

  33. genxr

    In more positive news, all the climate deniers spent the past 24 hours watching Current TV and have now changed their minds.

    All is well.

  34. donner_froh

    VP of Finance of General Electric: "Louis Gomert just introduced a bill to get rid of all corporate income taxes."

    CEO of General Electric: "Corporate income taxes–never heard of them."

    General hilarity ensues.

  35. prommie

    The news the last few weeks, with Bachman and Palin and Teatards applauding executions and "let them die," it has left me snarkless, and snarkless, I am speechless, so I have nothing to offfer but to quote my betters. Dorothy Parker's line is all I feel anymore when I see some new evidence of amurrican idiocy: "what fresh hell is this?" And my coping strategy can be paraphrased from Churchill: "I could not live without gin (heroin, whatever, insert your preference). In victory, I deserve it, in defeat, I need it."

  36. comrad_darkness

    The mantra from the dems really needs to be: Really? More of the same? This is the same old thing since 1980 and since then poverty has skyrocketed, wages for the middle class have plummeted, household AND federal debt is at record highs, and nearly half of America's children are on food stamps. And you want more of this? REALLY? Are you a total idiot or just an asshole?

  37. Redhead

    "Meanwhile, a new poll finds that a large plurality of Americans blame the Republicans more than anyone else for destroying America with their petulant refusal to govern like a dignified body of elected lawmakers in favor of running around like naughty children stealing other peoples’ homework."

    Alright Kristen. Will you gay marry me (now, before any other states outlaw it)?

  38. axmxz

    It was only two pages long because the bill just said "Dear Santa, MAke So i no have to pay money to govbrment nomore" in size 38 Comic Sans Serif.

  39. chicken_thief

    I suspect a misprint in the reporting. I believe it was "Louie Gohmert was on two pages (having one of them fancy smancy menage a tres)" not "the American Jobs Act of 2011 was on two pages".

  40. notreelyhelping

    I'm still thinking Louis' entry in the history books will be a wee bit smaller than…well, just about everybody else in the history books.

  41. El Pinche

    The GOP utopia is where everyone works at minimum wage at Pizza Hut, and all the children are homeschooled. Elitist college and high tech jobs for the "orientals."

    1. horsedreamer_1

      That would hasten our colonization by the Inscrutable Chinee.

      Are you saying the Republicans are actually abetting the Red Sinocalypse?

  42. Negropolis

    The president should simply turn to Lolspeak and have some member name it the "'Merikun Jobz Act". Problem solved.

  43. ragnarok4msm

    The Bush administration had decided to conduct an independent market analysis of Solyndra before approving the loan, delaying the approval of the loan until after the analysis was completed.

    So why did Obama push the loan through anyway? Why did they restructure it to benefit his donor? Was Bush secretly brainwashing Obama in his sleep or something?

    To insinuate that Bush is to blame for Solyndra is irrational based on the documented facts. Obama did it. Period.

  44. WunkRocker

    I see this as an opportunity to have " The US American Jobs Act Paid for by Taxing the Fuck Out of Texas Forever, Amen Act." Or in short "Fuck Perry Tax Act"

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