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You can put these on a Godfather's Pizza, too. (With EXTRA SEMEN.)Herman Cain knows how to turn America into a vast nation of slobs who eat shitty take-out pizza (paid for with Social Security disability checks and Food Stamps) seven times a week. Why won’t Republicans make him the new president? Well for one thing, Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign. And Cain has been caught trying to cover up this gayness, probably because Karl Rove spread the word because if anyone knows where the GOP’s many powerful closeted homosexuals are hidden, it’s Karl Rove. (We’re just guessing here, based on decades of history.) Anyway, Herman Cain = Gay! Now it’s okay for Republican voters to officially denounce him, the way they couldn’t really do just because of that other thing right-wing Republicans don’t like.

The Washington Post reports:

Facing concerns from supporters in Iowa, Herman Cain’s presidential campaign tried to conceal the role of a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal, a former staffer has alleged in legal testimony.

Cain’s former Iowa straw poll coordinator, Kevin Hall, made the allegation in a letter applying for unemployment benefits and in testimony during a hearing last week. The Associated Press obtained the letter, supporting documents he submitted and audio of the hearing from Iowa Workforce Development.

Haha, yeah we’re sure it was the Associated Press that just happened upon that letter, during the Iowa bureau’s usual vetting of millions of state unemployment documents. Anyway, Herman Cain has now been caught hiding a gay man inside the Herman Cain organization, and as usual it’s the gay staffer who is unemployed now.

Ronald Reagan’s first attempt to become the Republican nominee for president was toppled by The Gipper’s own gay-staffer scandal. Washington Post syndicated columnists Jack Anderson and Drew Pearson broke some Important Story about all of Reagan’s campaign staffers (including GOP heartthrob Jack Kemp) having Homosexual Intercourse Orgy Parties in a Lake Tahoe cabin all the time. Reagan backed off, and Nixon got the nomination and was elected in 1968 and again in 1972, during which time he (Nixon) ordered the assassination of the syndicated gossip columnist Jack Anderson. So, Herman Cain is truly the new Reagan, the end. [WaPo/LGBT Weekly]

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