gays are everywhere!

Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)

You can put these on a Godfather's Pizza, too. (With EXTRA SEMEN.)Herman Cain knows how to turn America into a vast nation of slobs who eat shitty take-out pizza (paid for with Social Security disability checks and Food Stamps) seven times a week. Why won’t Republicans make him the new president? Well for one thing, Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign. And Cain has been caught trying to cover up this gayness, probably because Karl Rove spread the word because if anyone knows where the GOP’s many powerful closeted homosexuals are hidden, it’s Karl Rove. (We’re just guessing here, based on decades of history.) Anyway, Herman Cain = Gay! Now it’s okay for Republican voters to officially denounce him, the way they couldn’t really do just because of that other thing right-wing Republicans don’t like.

The Washington Post reports:

Facing concerns from supporters in Iowa, Herman Cain’s presidential campaign tried to conceal the role of a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal, a former staffer has alleged in legal testimony.

Cain’s former Iowa straw poll coordinator, Kevin Hall, made the allegation in a letter applying for unemployment benefits and in testimony during a hearing last week. The Associated Press obtained the letter, supporting documents he submitted and audio of the hearing from Iowa Workforce Development.

Haha, yeah we’re sure it was the Associated Press that just happened upon that letter, during the Iowa bureau’s usual vetting of millions of state unemployment documents. Anyway, Herman Cain has now been caught hiding a gay man inside the Herman Cain organization, and as usual it’s the gay staffer who is unemployed now.

Ronald Reagan’s first attempt to become the Republican nominee for president was toppled by The Gipper’s own gay-staffer scandal. Washington Post syndicated columnists Jack Anderson and Drew Pearson broke some Important Story about all of Reagan’s campaign staffers (including GOP heartthrob Jack Kemp) having Homosexual Intercourse Orgy Parties in a Lake Tahoe cabin all the time. Reagan backed off, and Nixon got the nomination and was elected in 1968 and again in 1972, during which time he (Nixon) ordered the assassination of the syndicated gossip columnist Jack Anderson. So, Herman Cain is truly the new Reagan, the end. [WaPo/LGBT Weekly]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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  • Radiotherapy®

    999….think about it.

    • V572 T-Blow

      It's so funny that Republicans think they can rewrite the tax code one time and it'll never change again. It's like Barry thinking he can present a 400-gazaillion-dollar jobs bill to Congress and they'll just pass it with no changes.

    • hollywooddood

      I know, right? I think I did it Saturday night.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      You never go ass-to-mouth!

  • Barb

    How do you get Herman Cain off your front porch?
    Just pay for the pizza.

    • Guppy06

      Is Godfather's even high-class enough to offer delivery?

      Seriously, the only one I can think of around here is based in a Hess station. Because when I think good food, I think gas stations.

  • V572 T-Blow

    Like teh Gheys eat pizza — gimme a break. You can't stay in that kinda shape on a Godfather's diet.

  • http://thefastertimes.com/absurdnews/ inapewetrust

    the nefarious homosexual agenda strikes again, as usual, by having gay guys existing in places, doing things

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    It was a tip off when the guy's campaign theme song was the Village People singing "In the Navy".

    • OneYieldRegular

      Like when Allen West will start using "Go West" as his campaign theme song.

  • bumfug

    "…a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal,.."
    He wasn't really gay, see, he was pretending to be gay so he could steal all their gay money and then they couldn't afford pride! It all makes sense, in a republican kind of way.

    • horsedreamer_1

      So, Steve Gunderson was a Cainiac?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Q: Are all gays Republicans?

      A: No. Just the dishonest ones.

  • Pragmatist2

    Next thing you know they will discover he has a staffer who has taken a high school biology course and believes in evolution. Then he will be toast.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Then he will be toast burned lousy pizza crust. Fixed, but you can't fix Godfather's lousy pizza.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Another attempt by the Demokrat Bilderberg Masonic Mooslim Communist Gay Lesbian TriLateral Pizza Conspiracy to take over Amurika….

    • V572 T-Blow

      Why are they so blind? Pizza is Italian. Italy has socialized medicine, a comically inept military, free education and…a national sales tax! It's the thin end of the Wedge® of Tax Slavery!

      Plus: bunga-bunga!

  • DaSandman

    Gheys are coming out of the closet and Hermie is determined to stuff them right back in.

    And its gonna be crowded.

    On an educational note would some fine member of the Wonketeriat explain to me how ghey people could be Republicans? I can't hold this mutually exclusive idea in my head.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I've never understood that myself, unless it has something to do with the fiscal conservatism. *checks teh Google* Oh, wait a second. Here's a blurb from the Log Cabin Republicans:

      We believe in limited government, strong national defense, free markets, low taxes, personal responsibility, and individual liberty. Log Cabin represents an important part of the American family—taxpaying, hard working people who proudly believe in this nation's greatness. We also believe all Americans have the right to liberty and equality. We believe equality for gay and lesbian people is in the finest tradition of the Republican Party. We educate our Party about why inclusion wins. Opposing gay and lesbian equality is inconsistent with the GOP's core principles of smaller government and personal freedom.

      IOW, it's an easy and convenient way to get to suck LOTS of Republican dick, obvs.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I just assumed it was the ones who had fantasies about a clandestine hookup with Abe Lincoln, perhaps in the back rows of a darkened theater somewhere…

        • horsedreamer_1

          They call themselves Booth, because they would have loved to blow the president (away).

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Two shots were fired; no one was injured.

      • Geminisunmars

        Roy Cohn proved long ago that one could be gay and odious at the same time.

        • Swampgas_Man

          As did Caligula.

      • http://www.wonkette.com sunmusing

        I thought Log Cabin Party was what Todd P. and Joe M. did on those long Alaskan winter nites.

    • V572 T-Blow

      Or how can the Poors be "members" of the party that repeatedly and viciously fucks them in the ass at every opportunity, and doesn't even use lube?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I taught for years with a guy, a great guy, who was gay. He was, as they say, farther to the right than Ghengis Khan. And I'd tell him, "You know, if the people you vote for get in office, the first thing they're going to do is come after you." And he'd say, "I know, I know." And he'd keep on voting for them and making fun of my politics. He's a dear friend and I love him, but I could never figure that out. Must be economics, but he was also socially in the Tea Party end of the spectrum. (Scratches head in wonder.)

      • BarryOPotter

        You taught alongside Mr. Garrison? Was that in Colorado?

    • SorosBot

      Because some white gay people still hate black people.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Is that what it is, Soros? Yer probly right.

        Racism. One of the biggest dark (heh) secrets of the LGBTQ community.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      All my gay Repub friends insist that they vote based on their assessment of what makes most sense, not on what their genitalia are inclined towards. Which sounds real nice until you start questioning them on policy specifics. Then, it's all, well, you're just saying THAT because you're a radical leftie.

      So, yeah. There is a huge disconnect going on between these people's politics and their sexuality, and I'm not even sure how we got to this point, the LGBTQ community having a tendency to be smarter, or certainly, more educated, anyway. It's a fucking hot mess, and I don't even have these discussions with my friends any more because, you know, we're friends and what little time we have left on this planet I do not want to spend choking the living shit out of someone I really do love in my own way.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      It's all about hating on the poors (and blacks).

    • bureaucrap

      Boys can still like boys, and girls can still like girls, and nonetheless be greedy, self-centered, complacent pieces of $#!+. After all, it takes a flat tax rate and no capital gains tax to be able to afford the house on fire island AND the co-op in Chelsea.

  • x111e7thst

    Haha the black guy is gay! The gay guy is black! That is so funny, when you say it in FuckTard.

    • Guppy06

      You got Negro in my homosexuality!
      You got homosexuality in my Negro!

  • Come here a minute

    It was about time for Cain to go bye-bye anyway, as the debates get limited to people with "actual supporters". Now Herman can graduate from "no chance presidential candidate" to "wingnut welfare recipient".

  • LiveToServeYa

    My god. And he was so close to winning the nomination, too.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      That was two months ago, though. Or was it one?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Maybe Snowbilly needs to sex Herman up a little now that we know she's dipped her toe in that pond. Might loosen them both up.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I so did not need that image of those two ugly fuckers making the beast with two backs.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Knowing him, he'll want to do it "Chile"-style.

      • horsedreamer_1

        This means Herman will be quoting Sir Mix-a-Lot, who was an agent of DINA, during the act:

        Gonna make disappear this 10 inch zucchini
        just like Houdini

        • Chichikovovich

          Kortney is Sir Mix-A-Lot?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Hey, this column has far too little information for the bi-curious. Were they twinks or bears, for instance?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Which would you prefer?

      • littlebigdaddy

        hmmm…

  • http://lovematters-manabouttown.blogspot.com/ UnionAgitator

    Karl’s GAYDAR “goes off” whenever he sees a Republican.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Most people's does, hon.

  • hollywooddood

    Those gays… always trying to shove something down our throats.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      The temptation is overwhelming.

  • Indiepalin

    What's the story with Cain and that male Chilean Model?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Don't know about any of that, but I have glimpsed many, many Chilean SuicideGirls whose Valparaiso I'd love to visit.

  • http://thefastertimes.com/absurdnews/ inapewetrust

    on an unrelated note, what's with the "Who Has What?" ad? lotta people shopping for their kids here? or has our wonkette been strong-armed into some kind of pedo dragnet?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Or maybe they're just trying to get Extemporaneous to start commenting again.

    • finallyhappy

      I have kids but being in their 20's- they know who has what(usually)

    • flamingpdog

      50,000 references to Trig and all the other Palin spawn? I've put up so many references to Hoverounds on this site that now I'm getting their ads on all the other websites I go to.

  • Weenus299

    Can the Gay Agenda be delivered in 30 minutes or less?

    • OneYieldRegular

      You should probably pass that tip along to those homophobes who were boycotting McDonald's.

      • horsedreamer_1

        "My partner, here, is rockin' a flame-thrower!"

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Good god, yes.

  • BornInATrailer

    blahblahblah 10" pepperoni blahblahblah

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Size queen.

  • itsjesuscriss

    Doncha know that long term exposure to teh gayz causes sashaying and soon your hips will be swaying and it's not long after you'll be doing the airport bathroom stall foot shuffle.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I dunno… Straw Poll Coordinator. Not saying… just saying.

  • BornInATrailer

    It's OK, the staffer was just pie-curious.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I hope Herman has a thick crust so he can deflect the barbs from Karl.
    Other than that, so long Herman. We hardly knew ye.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      And a good thing too. The first Black bigot to achieve national prominence.

      • BornInATrailer

        I see your Muslin/H-mo hatin' pizza guy and raise you a Jesse "Rainbow-Coalition-with-every-color-but-the-color-Jew" Hymietown Jackson.

        • Negropolis

          Not even fuckin' close.

          • BornInATrailer

            While not a serious discussion, the key was "first." I would say Cain is more extreme in his bigotry.. but then over the past few decades, Republicans tend to run their bigotries a little more openly than Democrats.

            Or are you actually saying Jackson never had any issue with Jews?

      • flamingpdog

        Allen Keyes hasn't been exactly down on, er, supportive of teh gheys.

        • Pristine_ODummy

          True. I retract my statement. Herman Cain: one of a very select few — a Black bigot who achieved national prominence.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    I ordered a pizza from Godfathers and it turned me gay. Now I hate pizza.

    Not a good business model, Herman Cain.

  • Ducksworthy

    a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal? Good help is soo hard to find nowadays.

    • chicken_thief

      What's the over/under for how long it takes for the light bulb to appear over Hermie's head as he ponders why his coffers are so bare?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Obviously someone also found Hermie's copy of The Pizza Boy: He Delivers and discovered that it wasn't an official company instructional video.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Imagine that.

    • DashboardBuddha

      I wonder if Achewood's character Rod Huggins is a riff on that director's name?

  • HelmutNewton

    "Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign."

    Otherwise known as typical Republicans. The only difference is that this guy wasn't in the closet.

  • SorosBot

    And the ghost of Roy Cohn laughs.

  • MiniMencken

    I have it on the best authority that Herman likes his extra cheesy.

  • mereoblivion

    Does this mean Godfather's can't keep their tagline (YOU WANNA PIZZA ME?)?

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    ♫Ding-dong♫

    "Hey, I'm Herman. I'm here to deliver your pizza."

    ♬ wow-chicka-wow-wow♬

    • BeWoot

      How do you do that ♬ thing?

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Copy-and-paste it out of whatever Google gives you for "musical notes code."

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Our exclusive Dopler Weather Gaydar is showing a fast-moving cell of glitter and froth approaching Cain 2012 Headquarters.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Herman Cain's Santorum-crusted Special.

  • owhatever

    Marcus Bachmann is following this story very closely.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Herman Cain = Gay!

    Herman Cain: "Does everything have to be about being gay with you people?"

    Us People: [Nod]

  • SorosBot

    If a closeted gay black guy wants to be loved, he should make variations on the same bad movie about five or six times a year, in which he stars dressed as an old lady and talks about Jesus a lot.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Magic Mike will be only Adam Rodriguez's second most awkward/sexually-harassing on-set experience.

  • Radiotherapy®

    No matter how you slice this pizza pie, it still tastes like shit.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    It's good thing he didn't work for Perry cause they would have executed him or Bachmann cause they would have tried to cure him with prayer and one on one counseling with Marcus. I suppose that leaves Santorum.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I wonder if Marcus can pray away the black too?

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        He should, after all, it is a choice.

    • LesBontemps

      I suppose that leaves Santorum.

      Yes, it usually does.

    • thefrontpage

      Santorum would just try to have the ghey sex with the staffer. One of them has to actually do it.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Cue raucous cheering.

  • crybabyboehner

    So what you're saying is, Nixon killed Adam & Steve?

  • fuflans

    these fucking people.

  • Wonderthing

    It's hard being a gay Republican. The closet is so crowded you can't breathe.

  • thefrontpage

    Now we all know why so many Cain campaign staffers keep saying, in mysterious, hushed tones, on their phones all the time, "Make mine EXTRA pepperoni. Did you get that–extra pepperoni, if you know what I mean. Extra large pepperoni, I said!"

  • thefrontpage

    Herman Cain is a gay black Republican pizza pusher in America.

  • Guppy06

    So… the only way to get unemployment in Red Iowa is to out a coworker?

    Is there like some sort of multiple choice thing on the paperwork?Laid offFired with causeHe gay!
    I hear Rick Scott wants to test for The Gay before mailing out unemployment.

  • DaSandman

    My dear Wonkettes,

    Thank you so much for the educational comments regarding my question upstream. Many new thoughts to consider.

    In the meantime I am going to continue with my time tested technique of speaking my mind and kicking our oppressors in the balls as hard as I can if they are foolish enough to venture near me.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    irony doesn't work on repubs, they hate the gheys, but are somehow attracted to them…

  • aklibtard

    How much of a fucking self-loathing gay do you have to be to not just work for a Republican but to work for a fucking tea-tard Republican that you know full well has no chance in hell of winning

    • ttommyunger

      Your question should be directed to the Log Cabin Republicans. Go figure!

  • ttommyunger

    Those sneaky gheys, getting jobs and all in good Republican circles while concealing their gheyness, except when blowing their bosses. I blame the left-wing Media.

  • benignczar

    Interesting how quickly the Nazi left will use being gay as a perjorative.

  • AlterNewt

    Guy-a-bolical.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Flying under the gay-dar.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Homosexuals are… people!

  • Pristine_ODummy

    Oh, Ricky's goin' bye-bye real soon, too, don't worry about that. With any luck those two will take Huntsman with them.

  • Chichikovovich

    Oh no! They're in our soylent green!