gays are everywhere!

Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)

You can put these on a Godfather's Pizza, too. (With EXTRA SEMEN.)Herman Cain knows how to turn America into a vast nation of slobs who eat shitty take-out pizza (paid for with Social Security disability checks and Food Stamps) seven times a week. Why won’t Republicans make him the new president? Well for one thing, Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign. And Cain has been caught trying to cover up this gayness, probably because Karl Rove spread the word because if anyone knows where the GOP’s many powerful closeted homosexuals are hidden, it’s Karl Rove. (We’re just guessing here, based on decades of history.) Anyway, Herman Cain = Gay! Now it’s okay for Republican voters to officially denounce him, the way they couldn’t really do just because of that other thing right-wing Republicans don’t like.

The Washington Post reports:

Facing concerns from supporters in Iowa, Herman Cain’s presidential campaign tried to conceal the role of a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal, a former staffer has alleged in legal testimony.

Cain’s former Iowa straw poll coordinator, Kevin Hall, made the allegation in a letter applying for unemployment benefits and in testimony during a hearing last week. The Associated Press obtained the letter, supporting documents he submitted and audio of the hearing from Iowa Workforce Development.

Haha, yeah we’re sure it was the Associated Press that just happened upon that letter, during the Iowa bureau’s usual vetting of millions of state unemployment documents. Anyway, Herman Cain has now been caught hiding a gay man inside the Herman Cain organization, and as usual it’s the gay staffer who is unemployed now.

Ronald Reagan’s first attempt to become the Republican nominee for president was toppled by The Gipper’s own gay-staffer scandal. Washington Post syndicated columnists Jack Anderson and Drew Pearson broke some Important Story about all of Reagan’s campaign staffers (including GOP heartthrob Jack Kemp) having Homosexual Intercourse Orgy Parties in a Lake Tahoe cabin all the time. Reagan backed off, and Nixon got the nomination and was elected in 1968 and again in 1972, during which time he (Nixon) ordered the assassination of the syndicated gossip columnist Jack Anderson. So, Herman Cain is truly the new Reagan, the end. [WaPo/LGBT Weekly]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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    1. V572 T-Blow

      It's so funny that Republicans think they can rewrite the tax code one time and it'll never change again. It's like Barry thinking he can present a 400-gazaillion-dollar jobs bill to Congress and they'll just pass it with no changes.

    1. Guppy06

      Is Godfather's even high-class enough to offer delivery?

      Seriously, the only one I can think of around here is based in a Hess station. Because when I think good food, I think gas stations.

  1. bumfug

    "…a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal,.."
    He wasn't really gay, see, he was pretending to be gay so he could steal all their gay money and then they couldn't afford pride! It all makes sense, in a republican kind of way.

  2. Pragmatist2

    Next thing you know they will discover he has a staffer who has taken a high school biology course and believes in evolution. Then he will be toast.

    1. V572 T-Blow

      Why are they so blind? Pizza is Italian. Italy has socialized medicine, a comically inept military, free education and…a national sales tax! It's the thin end of the Wedge® of Tax Slavery!

      Plus: bunga-bunga!

  3. DaSandman

    Gheys are coming out of the closet and Hermie is determined to stuff them right back in.

    And its gonna be crowded.

    On an educational note would some fine member of the Wonketeriat explain to me how ghey people could be Republicans? I can't hold this mutually exclusive idea in my head.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I've never understood that myself, unless it has something to do with the fiscal conservatism. *checks teh Google* Oh, wait a second. Here's a blurb from the Log Cabin Republicans:

      We believe in limited government, strong national defense, free markets, low taxes, personal responsibility, and individual liberty. Log Cabin represents an important part of the American family—taxpaying, hard working people who proudly believe in this nation's greatness. We also believe all Americans have the right to liberty and equality. We believe equality for gay and lesbian people is in the finest tradition of the Republican Party. We educate our Party about why inclusion wins. Opposing gay and lesbian equality is inconsistent with the GOP's core principles of smaller government and personal freedom.

      IOW, it's an easy and convenient way to get to suck LOTS of Republican dick, obvs.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I just assumed it was the ones who had fantasies about a clandestine hookup with Abe Lincoln, perhaps in the back rows of a darkened theater somewhere…

    2. V572 T-Blow

      Or how can the Poors be "members" of the party that repeatedly and viciously fucks them in the ass at every opportunity, and doesn't even use lube?

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      I taught for years with a guy, a great guy, who was gay. He was, as they say, farther to the right than Ghengis Khan. And I'd tell him, "You know, if the people you vote for get in office, the first thing they're going to do is come after you." And he'd say, "I know, I know." And he'd keep on voting for them and making fun of my politics. He's a dear friend and I love him, but I could never figure that out. Must be economics, but he was also socially in the Tea Party end of the spectrum. (Scratches head in wonder.)

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        Is that what it is, Soros? Yer probly right.

        Racism. One of the biggest dark (heh) secrets of the LGBTQ community.

    4. Pristine_ODummy

      All my gay Repub friends insist that they vote based on their assessment of what makes most sense, not on what their genitalia are inclined towards. Which sounds real nice until you start questioning them on policy specifics. Then, it's all, well, you're just saying THAT because you're a radical leftie.

      So, yeah. There is a huge disconnect going on between these people's politics and their sexuality, and I'm not even sure how we got to this point, the LGBTQ community having a tendency to be smarter, or certainly, more educated, anyway. It's a fucking hot mess, and I don't even have these discussions with my friends any more because, you know, we're friends and what little time we have left on this planet I do not want to spend choking the living shit out of someone I really do love in my own way.

    5. bureaucrap

      Boys can still like boys, and girls can still like girls, and nonetheless be greedy, self-centered, complacent pieces of $#!+. After all, it takes a flat tax rate and no capital gains tax to be able to afford the house on fire island AND the co-op in Chelsea.

  4. Come here a minute

    It was about time for Cain to go bye-bye anyway, as the debates get limited to people with "actual supporters". Now Herman can graduate from "no chance presidential candidate" to "wingnut welfare recipient".

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    Maybe Snowbilly needs to sex Herman up a little now that we know she's dipped her toe in that pond. Might loosen them both up.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        This means Herman will be quoting Sir Mix-a-Lot, who was an agent of DINA, during the act:

        Gonna make disappear this 10 inch zucchini
        just like Houdini

  6. littlebigdaddy

    Hey, this column has far too little information for the bi-curious. Were they twinks or bears, for instance?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Don't know about any of that, but I have glimpsed many, many Chilean SuicideGirls whose Valparaiso I'd love to visit.

  7. inapewetrust

    on an unrelated note, what's with the "Who Has What?" ad? lotta people shopping for their kids here? or has our wonkette been strong-armed into some kind of pedo dragnet?

    1. flamingpdog

      50,000 references to Trig and all the other Palin spawn? I've put up so many references to Hoverounds on this site that now I'm getting their ads on all the other websites I go to.

  8. itsjesuscriss

    Doncha know that long term exposure to teh gayz causes sashaying and soon your hips will be swaying and it's not long after you'll be doing the airport bathroom stall foot shuffle.

  9. WhatTheHeck

    I hope Herman has a thick crust so he can deflect the barbs from Karl.
    Other than that, so long Herman. We hardly knew ye.

      1. BornInATrailer

        I see your Muslin/H-mo hatin' pizza guy and raise you a Jesse "Rainbow-Coalition-with-every-color-but-the-color-Jew" Hymietown Jackson.

          1. BornInATrailer

            While not a serious discussion, the key was "first." I would say Cain is more extreme in his bigotry.. but then over the past few decades, Republicans tend to run their bigotries a little more openly than Democrats.

            Or are you actually saying Jackson never had any issue with Jews?

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          True. I retract my statement. Herman Cain: one of a very select few — a Black bigot who achieved national prominence.

  10. Ducksworthy

    a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal? Good help is soo hard to find nowadays.

    1. chicken_thief

      What's the over/under for how long it takes for the light bulb to appear over Hermie's head as he ponders why his coffers are so bare?

  11. HelmutNewton

    "Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign."

    Otherwise known as typical Republicans. The only difference is that this guy wasn't in the closet.

  12. JoshuaNorton

    Herman Cain = Gay!

    Herman Cain: "Does everything have to be about being gay with you people?"

    Us People: [Nod]

  13. SorosBot

    If a closeted gay black guy wants to be loved, he should make variations on the same bad movie about five or six times a year, in which he stars dressed as an old lady and talks about Jesus a lot.

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    It's good thing he didn't work for Perry cause they would have executed him or Bachmann cause they would have tried to cure him with prayer and one on one counseling with Marcus. I suppose that leaves Santorum.

  15. thefrontpage

    Now we all know why so many Cain campaign staffers keep saying, in mysterious, hushed tones, on their phones all the time, "Make mine EXTRA pepperoni. Did you get that–extra pepperoni, if you know what I mean. Extra large pepperoni, I said!"

  16. Guppy06

    So… the only way to get unemployment in Red Iowa is to out a coworker?

    Is there like some sort of multiple choice thing on the paperwork?Laid offFired with causeHe gay!
    I hear Rick Scott wants to test for The Gay before mailing out unemployment.

  17. DaSandman

    My dear Wonkettes,

    Thank you so much for the educational comments regarding my question upstream. Many new thoughts to consider.

    In the meantime I am going to continue with my time tested technique of speaking my mind and kicking our oppressors in the balls as hard as I can if they are foolish enough to venture near me.

  18. aklibtard

    How much of a fucking self-loathing gay do you have to be to not just work for a Republican but to work for a fucking tea-tard Republican that you know full well has no chance in hell of winning

  19. ttommyunger

    Those sneaky gheys, getting jobs and all in good Republican circles while concealing their gheyness, except when blowing their bosses. I blame the left-wing Media.

  20. Pristine_ODummy

    Oh, Ricky's goin' bye-bye real soon, too, don't worry about that. With any luck those two will take Huntsman with them.

Comments are closed.