GAYS ARE EVERYWHERE!  1:06 pm September 14, 2011

Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)

by Ken Layne

You can put these on a Godfather's Pizza, too. (With EXTRA SEMEN.)Herman Cain knows how to turn America into a vast nation of slobs who eat shitty take-out pizza (paid for with Social Security disability checks and Food Stamps) seven times a week. Why won’t Republicans make him the new president? Well for one thing, Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign. And Cain has been caught trying to cover up this gayness, probably because Karl Rove spread the word because if anyone knows where the GOP’s many powerful closeted homosexuals are hidden, it’s Karl Rove. (We’re just guessing here, based on decades of history.) Anyway, Herman Cain = Gay! Now it’s okay for Republican voters to officially denounce him, the way they couldn’t really do just because of that other thing right-wing Republicans don’t like.

The Washington Post reports:

Facing concerns from supporters in Iowa, Herman Cain’s presidential campaign tried to conceal the role of a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal, a former staffer has alleged in legal testimony.

Cain’s former Iowa straw poll coordinator, Kevin Hall, made the allegation in a letter applying for unemployment benefits and in testimony during a hearing last week. The Associated Press obtained the letter, supporting documents he submitted and audio of the hearing from Iowa Workforce Development.

Haha, yeah we’re sure it was the Associated Press that just happened upon that letter, during the Iowa bureau’s usual vetting of millions of state unemployment documents. Anyway, Herman Cain has now been caught hiding a gay man inside the Herman Cain organization, and as usual it’s the gay staffer who is unemployed now.

Ronald Reagan’s first attempt to become the Republican nominee for president was toppled by The Gipper’s own gay-staffer scandal. Washington Post syndicated columnists Jack Anderson and Drew Pearson broke some Important Story about all of Reagan’s campaign staffers (including GOP heartthrob Jack Kemp) having Homosexual Intercourse Orgy Parties in a Lake Tahoe cabin all the time. Reagan backed off, and Nixon got the nomination and was elected in 1968 and again in 1972, during which time he (Nixon) ordered the assassination of the syndicated gossip columnist Jack Anderson. So, Herman Cain is truly the new Reagan, the end. [WaPo/LGBT Weekly]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 115 comments }

Radiotherapy® September 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

999….think about it.

V572 T-Blow September 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

It's so funny that Republicans think they can rewrite the tax code one time and it'll never change again. It's like Barry thinking he can present a 400-gazaillion-dollar jobs bill to Congress and they'll just pass it with no changes.

hollywooddood September 14, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I know, right? I think I did it Saturday night.

KeepFnThatChicken September 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm

You never go ass-to-mouth!

Barb September 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

How do you get Herman Cain off your front porch?
Just pay for the pizza.

Guppy06 September 14, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Is Godfather's even high-class enough to offer delivery?

Seriously, the only one I can think of around here is based in a Hess station. Because when I think good food, I think gas stations.

V572 T-Blow September 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Like teh Gheys eat pizza — gimme a break. You can't stay in that kinda shape on a Godfather's diet.

inapewetrust September 14, 2011 at 1:12 pm

the nefarious homosexual agenda strikes again, as usual, by having gay guys existing in places, doing things

johnnyzhivago September 14, 2011 at 1:12 pm

It was a tip off when the guy's campaign theme song was the Village People singing "In the Navy".

OneYieldRegular September 14, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Like when Allen West will start using "Go West" as his campaign theme song.

bumfug September 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm

"…a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal,.."
He wasn't really gay, see, he was pretending to be gay so he could steal all their gay money and then they couldn't afford pride! It all makes sense, in a republican kind of way.

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2011 at 1:30 pm

So, Steve Gunderson was a Cainiac?

Lascauxcaveman September 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Q: Are all gays Republicans?

A: No. Just the dishonest ones.

Pragmatist2 September 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Next thing you know they will discover he has a staffer who has taken a high school biology course and believes in evolution. Then he will be toast.

Dudleydidwrong September 14, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Then he will be toast burned lousy pizza crust. Fixed, but you can't fix Godfather's lousy pizza.

johnnyzhivago September 14, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Another attempt by the Demokrat Bilderberg Masonic Mooslim Communist Gay Lesbian TriLateral Pizza Conspiracy to take over Amurika….

V572 T-Blow September 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Why are they so blind? Pizza is Italian. Italy has socialized medicine, a comically inept military, free education and…a national sales tax! It's the thin end of the Wedge® of Tax Slavery!

Plus: bunga-bunga!

DaSandman September 14, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Gheys are coming out of the closet and Hermie is determined to stuff them right back in.

And its gonna be crowded.

On an educational note would some fine member of the Wonketeriat explain to me how ghey people could be Republicans? I can't hold this mutually exclusive idea in my head.

elviouslyqueer September 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I've never understood that myself, unless it has something to do with the fiscal conservatism. *checks teh Google* Oh, wait a second. Here's a blurb from the Log Cabin Republicans:

We believe in limited government, strong national defense, free markets, low taxes, personal responsibility, and individual liberty. Log Cabin represents an important part of the American family—taxpaying, hard working people who proudly believe in this nation's greatness. We also believe all Americans have the right to liberty and equality. We believe equality for gay and lesbian people is in the finest tradition of the Republican Party. We educate our Party about why inclusion wins. Opposing gay and lesbian equality is inconsistent with the GOP's core principles of smaller government and personal freedom.

IOW, it's an easy and convenient way to get to suck LOTS of Republican dick, obvs.

Lascauxcaveman September 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I just assumed it was the ones who had fantasies about a clandestine hookup with Abe Lincoln, perhaps in the back rows of a darkened theater somewhere…

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2011 at 1:54 pm

They call themselves Booth, because they would have loved to blow the president (away).

Lascauxcaveman September 14, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Two shots were fired; no one was injured.

Geminisunmars September 14, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Roy Cohn proved long ago that one could be gay and odious at the same time.

Swampgas_Man September 14, 2011 at 6:58 pm

As did Caligula.

sunmusing September 14, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I thought Log Cabin Party was what Todd P. and Joe M. did on those long Alaskan winter nites.

V572 T-Blow September 14, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Or how can the Poors be "members" of the party that repeatedly and viciously fucks them in the ass at every opportunity, and doesn't even use lube?

Dudleydidwrong September 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I taught for years with a guy, a great guy, who was gay. He was, as they say, farther to the right than Ghengis Khan. And I'd tell him, "You know, if the people you vote for get in office, the first thing they're going to do is come after you." And he'd say, "I know, I know." And he'd keep on voting for them and making fun of my politics. He's a dear friend and I love him, but I could never figure that out. Must be economics, but he was also socially in the Tea Party end of the spectrum. (Scratches head in wonder.)

BarryOPotter September 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

You taught alongside Mr. Garrison? Was that in Colorado?

SorosBot September 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Because some white gay people still hate black people.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Is that what it is, Soros? Yer probly right.

Racism. One of the biggest dark (heh) secrets of the LGBTQ community.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm

All my gay Repub friends insist that they vote based on their assessment of what makes most sense, not on what their genitalia are inclined towards. Which sounds real nice until you start questioning them on policy specifics. Then, it's all, well, you're just saying THAT because you're a radical leftie.

So, yeah. There is a huge disconnect going on between these people's politics and their sexuality, and I'm not even sure how we got to this point, the LGBTQ community having a tendency to be smarter, or certainly, more educated, anyway. It's a fucking hot mess, and I don't even have these discussions with my friends any more because, you know, we're friends and what little time we have left on this planet I do not want to spend choking the living shit out of someone I really do love in my own way.

HobbesEvilTwin September 14, 2011 at 1:58 pm

It's all about hating on the poors (and blacks).

bureaucrap September 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Boys can still like boys, and girls can still like girls, and nonetheless be greedy, self-centered, complacent pieces of $#!+. After all, it takes a flat tax rate and no capital gains tax to be able to afford the house on fire island AND the co-op in Chelsea.

x111e7thst September 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Haha the black guy is gay! The gay guy is black! That is so funny, when you say it in FuckTard.

Guppy06 September 14, 2011 at 5:01 pm

You got Negro in my homosexuality!
You got homosexuality in my Negro!

Come here a minute September 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

It was about time for Cain to go bye-bye anyway, as the debates get limited to people with "actual supporters". Now Herman can graduate from "no chance presidential candidate" to "wingnut welfare recipient".

LiveToServeYa September 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

My god. And he was so close to winning the nomination, too.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

That was two months ago, though. Or was it one?

Texan_Bulldog September 14, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Maybe Snowbilly needs to sex Herman up a little now that we know she's dipped her toe in that pond. Might loosen them both up.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I so did not need that image of those two ugly fuckers making the beast with two backs.

GuyClinch September 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Knowing him, he'll want to do it "Chile"-style.

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm

This means Herman will be quoting Sir Mix-a-Lot, who was an agent of DINA, during the act:

Gonna make disappear this 10 inch zucchini
just like Houdini

Chichikovovich September 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Kortney is Sir Mix-A-Lot?

littlebigdaddy September 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Hey, this column has far too little information for the bi-curious. Were they twinks or bears, for instance?

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Which would you prefer?

littlebigdaddy September 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm

hmmm…

UnionAgitator September 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Karl’s GAYDAR “goes off” whenever he sees a Republican.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Most people's does, hon.

hollywooddood September 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Those gays… always trying to shove something down our throats.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm

The temptation is overwhelming.

Indiepalin September 14, 2011 at 1:19 pm

What's the story with Cain and that male Chilean Model?

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Don't know about any of that, but I have glimpsed many, many Chilean SuicideGirls whose Valparaiso I'd love to visit.

inapewetrust September 14, 2011 at 1:19 pm

on an unrelated note, what's with the "Who Has What?" ad? lotta people shopping for their kids here? or has our wonkette been strong-armed into some kind of pedo dragnet?

Lascauxcaveman September 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Or maybe they're just trying to get Extemporaneous to start commenting again.

finallyhappy September 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I have kids but being in their 20's- they know who has what(usually)

flamingpdog September 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm

50,000 references to Trig and all the other Palin spawn? I've put up so many references to Hoverounds on this site that now I'm getting their ads on all the other websites I go to.

Weenus299 September 14, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Can the Gay Agenda be delivered in 30 minutes or less?

OneYieldRegular September 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm

You should probably pass that tip along to those homophobes who were boycotting McDonald's.

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2011 at 1:55 pm

"My partner, here, is rockin' a flame-thrower!"

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Good god, yes.

BornInATrailer September 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm

blahblahblah 10" pepperoni blahblahblah

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Size queen.

itsjesuscriss September 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Doncha know that long term exposure to teh gayz causes sashaying and soon your hips will be swaying and it's not long after you'll be doing the airport bathroom stall foot shuffle.

ManchuCandidate September 14, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I dunno… Straw Poll Coordinator. Not saying… just saying.

BornInATrailer September 14, 2011 at 1:25 pm

It's OK, the staffer was just pie-curious.

WhatTheHeck September 14, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I hope Herman has a thick crust so he can deflect the barbs from Karl.
Other than that, so long Herman. We hardly knew ye.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:05 pm

And a good thing too. The first Black bigot to achieve national prominence.

BornInATrailer September 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I see your Muslin/H-mo hatin' pizza guy and raise you a Jesse "Rainbow-Coalition-with-every-color-but-the-color-Jew" Hymietown Jackson.

Negropolis September 15, 2011 at 12:57 am

Not even fuckin' close.

BornInATrailer September 15, 2011 at 10:03 am

While not a serious discussion, the key was "first." I would say Cain is more extreme in his bigotry.. but then over the past few decades, Republicans tend to run their bigotries a little more openly than Democrats.

Or are you actually saying Jackson never had any issue with Jews?

flamingpdog September 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Allen Keyes hasn't been exactly down on, er, supportive of teh gheys.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm

True. I retract my statement. Herman Cain: one of a very select few — a Black bigot who achieved national prominence.

donner_froh September 14, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I ordered a pizza from Godfathers and it turned me gay. Now I hate pizza.

Not a good business model, Herman Cain.

Ducksworthy September 14, 2011 at 1:29 pm

a top adviser who had been ousted as leader of a gay pride group in Wisconsin amid a financial scandal? Good help is soo hard to find nowadays.

chicken_thief September 14, 2011 at 1:55 pm

What's the over/under for how long it takes for the light bulb to appear over Hermie's head as he ponders why his coffers are so bare?

elviouslyqueer September 14, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Obviously someone also found Hermie's copy of The Pizza Boy: He Delivers and discovered that it wasn't an official company instructional video.

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Imagine that.

DashboardBuddha September 14, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I wonder if Achewood's character Rod Huggins is a riff on that director's name?

HelmutNewton September 14, 2011 at 1:36 pm

"Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign."

Otherwise known as typical Republicans. The only difference is that this guy wasn't in the closet.

SorosBot September 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

And the ghost of Roy Cohn laughs.

MiniMencken September 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I have it on the best authority that Herman likes his extra cheesy.

mereoblivion September 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Does this mean Godfather's can't keep their tagline (YOU WANNA PIZZA ME?)?

Spurning Beer September 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm

♫Ding-dong♫

"Hey, I'm Herman. I'm here to deliver your pizza."

♬ wow-chicka-wow-wow♬

BeWoot September 16, 2011 at 10:14 am

How do you do that ♬ thing?

Spurning Beer September 16, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Copy-and-paste it out of whatever Google gives you for "musical notes code."

Spurning Beer September 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Our exclusive Dopler Weather Gaydar is showing a fast-moving cell of glitter and froth approaching Cain 2012 Headquarters.

Chillwaver September 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Herman Cain's Santorum-crusted Special.

owhatever September 14, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Marcus Bachmann is following this story very closely.

JoshuaNorton September 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Herman Cain = Gay!

Herman Cain: "Does everything have to be about being gay with you people?"

Us People: [Nod]

SorosBot September 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

If a closeted gay black guy wants to be loved, he should make variations on the same bad movie about five or six times a year, in which he stars dressed as an old lady and talks about Jesus a lot.

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Magic Mike will be only Adam Rodriguez's second most awkward/sexually-harassing on-set experience.

Radiotherapy® September 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm

No matter how you slice this pizza pie, it still tastes like shit.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm

It's good thing he didn't work for Perry cause they would have executed him or Bachmann cause they would have tried to cure him with prayer and one on one counseling with Marcus. I suppose that leaves Santorum.

littlebigdaddy September 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I wonder if Marcus can pray away the black too?

Monsieur_Grumpe September 14, 2011 at 3:35 pm

He should, after all, it is a choice.

LesBontemps September 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I suppose that leaves Santorum.

Yes, it usually does.

thefrontpage September 14, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Santorum would just try to have the ghey sex with the staffer. One of them has to actually do it.

mrblifil September 14, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Cue raucous cheering.

crybabyboehner September 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm

So what you're saying is, Nixon killed Adam & Steve?

fuflans September 14, 2011 at 3:28 pm

these fucking people.

Wonderthing September 14, 2011 at 3:28 pm

It's hard being a gay Republican. The closet is so crowded you can't breathe.

thefrontpage September 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Now we all know why so many Cain campaign staffers keep saying, in mysterious, hushed tones, on their phones all the time, "Make mine EXTRA pepperoni. Did you get that–extra pepperoni, if you know what I mean. Extra large pepperoni, I said!"

thefrontpage September 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Herman Cain is a gay black Republican pizza pusher in America.

Guppy06 September 14, 2011 at 5:03 pm

So… the only way to get unemployment in Red Iowa is to out a coworker?

Is there like some sort of multiple choice thing on the paperwork?Laid offFired with causeHe gay!
I hear Rick Scott wants to test for The Gay before mailing out unemployment.

DaSandman September 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm

My dear Wonkettes,

Thank you so much for the educational comments regarding my question upstream. Many new thoughts to consider.

In the meantime I am going to continue with my time tested technique of speaking my mind and kicking our oppressors in the balls as hard as I can if they are foolish enough to venture near me.

BZ1 September 14, 2011 at 9:50 pm

irony doesn't work on repubs, they hate the gheys, but are somehow attracted to them…

aklibtard September 15, 2011 at 11:20 am

How much of a fucking self-loathing gay do you have to be to not just work for a Republican but to work for a fucking tea-tard Republican that you know full well has no chance in hell of winning

ttommyunger September 15, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Your question should be directed to the Log Cabin Republicans. Go figure!

ttommyunger September 15, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Those sneaky gheys, getting jobs and all in good Republican circles while concealing their gheyness, except when blowing their bosses. I blame the left-wing Media.

benignczar September 28, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Interesting how quickly the Nazi left will use being gay as a perjorative.

AlterNewt September 14, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Guy-a-bolical.

Lascauxcaveman September 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Flying under the gay-dar.

horsedreamer_1 September 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Homosexuals are… people!

Pristine_ODummy September 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Oh, Ricky's goin' bye-bye real soon, too, don't worry about that. With any luck those two will take Huntsman with them.

Chichikovovich September 14, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Oh no! They're in our soylent green!

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