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Narcissistic personality disorder poster child Steve Doocy and his deranged cohort of subhuman Rupert Murdoch sex toys are mysteriously furious that President Barack Obama would bother to use a cheap, common office supply to cause a stack of papers he is holding not to fall all over the floor. WHERE’D YOU GET THAT LOW-GRADE COMMUNIST PAPER CLIP, OBAMA, DID YOU DIG IT OUT OF STALIN’S GRAVE? What?

[Media Matters]

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  • nounverb911
    • Mahousu

      Hacking into "Soraya" [the victim]'s voicemail, if previous behavior is any guide.

    • GregComlish

      Oh man. Prince Al Waleed is totally going to publicly cancel his NYTimes subscription.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      As we learned with that rich guy World Bank French dude: when the perp is wealthy, it's not a rape, it's just a silly misunderstanding.

      • SorosBot

        See also: Roman Polanski, William Kennedy-Smith, Kobe Bryant, Ben Roethlissberger, etc. etc.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, he roofied her. That is lame even by rapists' standards.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Real Americans use staples.

    • nounverb911

      Didn't Mitt help found Staples while at Bain?

      • Not_So_Much

        Dunno. But I thought his specialty was skull-fucking every last penny out of wounded company's pensions — not starting new, useful businesses?

  • Come here a minute

    It's because he's beholden to the special interests; in this case it's "Big Office Supply". More crony capitalism at work!

    • BarryOPotter

      Man, those clips are in every. single. nook. and. cranny. of the federal gov't! EVERY ONE OF 'EM! And since he's the head of said gov't, he's probably got, like, 8 draw-loads of those damn ubiquitous clips.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Standard-issue in any office. WTF is Pox Ooze whining about now? Oh, they're all butthurt because Obie didn't BIND the fucking thing for them?

    • Redhead

      I think it's more likely that Faux News is beholden to their competitor – Big Staple.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Michael Scott is the Master of Puppets.

  • edgydrifter

    Observe, citizens: that binder clip is black. Black as midnight in Kenya!

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      It's a conspiracy, I tells ya!!

    • Amo_of_Bogio

      Edgy… if I may call you that, thanks for pointing out that the object in question is not a paperclip but what appears to be a 2 inch, black binder clip. I estimate that you'd need at least a 6 inch long solid copper paper clip to contain that thickness of paper. Thank you, that is all.

      • LesBontemps

        Yes, that is a binder clip, but the black object in question is the Preznit.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          In my office-peon days, we always referred to one of those things as a 'bull clip.'

          Maybe we were just trying to macho-up our sitting-around-bathed-in-fluorescent-light-not-doing-much-of-anything-physical existences.

          • Yeah. I find my self saying "pull the trigger" when what I really mean "send a email". Wheee.

      • Hats off to you: you are the Nihilist of office supplies!

    • baconzgood

      YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND!!!!!!!! You should work with Beck.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      In which case, it's blacker than OBEY by far. Humph.

  • WunkRocker

    Every true US Merican knows to God he's 'posed to get them high tech carbon fiber~solingen steel matrix clips from Halliburton. Of course they fall right the fuck apart but you can pull some duct tape off of a Joint Strike Farce Jet Engine to fix it right the hell up.

    • chicken_thief

      Or arch weld them together with the wiring from those showers Halliburton shipped to Iraq.

  • BarackMyWorld

    And if he'd used a nicer clip they'd have complained he was wasting the people's money.

    • spinozasgod

      and hew was bein uppity…..

    • hollywooddood

      Dual purpose. You can also open the paper clip and clean the arugula from between your teeth.

  • williamcharlesscheinder

    What a Dooche.

  • Barb

    No one at Fox News bitches that Scott Walker's government papers are held together with the Koch Brothers money clip.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I thought they were just stuck together with Koch Brothers jism.

  • proudgrampa

    WTF?

    You know, they do this because, otherwise, they got nuthin'.

  • SexySmurf

    You know who else used a Paperclip?

    • nounverb911

      Sky King and his niece Penny?

    • SorosBot

      MS Word before 2003?

      • HistoriCat

        "It looks like you're trying to snark – would you like help with that?"

    • baconzgood

      Any pot head trying to scrape his/her bowl? We've all been there AMIRITE.

      • ph7

        I thought I was only one whose office supplies smell like resin.

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Huh. You WISH.

          Note to fellow paper-clip users — ALWAYS brush off any resin before putting the clip away. You never know when some fool colleague will come rushing into your office and grab the first thing that looks usable for unsticking something.

          • not that Dewey

            And whatever you do, DO NOT store the weed in the box marked "binder clips", especially at an outdoor dinner party when one is using binder clips to keep the tablecloth from blowing away and your Research Adviser and his wife arrive 1/2 hour early and want to help secure the tablecloth.

            I've heard that can be a real problem.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            Tell us more, ntD. Did they find it, or what?

          • not that Dewey

            Mrs Dewey pulled some deft sleight-of-hand and disaster was averted. On the other hand, these are physics professors we're talking about. I think the true disaster would have been if they'd seen it and we didn't offer to share.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            Most of the physicists I know live within the confines of their own heads with such assurance and familiarity that it wouldn't surprise me in the least if they (1) didn't have a clue what it was (foreign) or (2) were miffed at your failure to share (USAmerican).

          • not that Dewey

            Hey — I suspect our snark wires might have got crossed the other day. Inferences were made. Intentions were muddled. I think the best medicine would be a nice patella/Nutella sandwich and a tall, cold glass of Michele Bachmanns' tears. Care to join me?

          • Pristine_ODummy

            Hey, my friend! What a passive voice! Il n'y a pas de quois, cher! I don't want a patella sandwich, just anaconda the doc is gonna be slicin' that puppeh any day now. But I'm, like totally happy to be raising a glass of Michele's tears wiv ya, dood! Did we actually have teh argumentum or sumfink? Cos, yaknow, I'm like, so not-argumentative, most of teh time. But if we did, let me just say, I musta been all misunderstandin' or whatever. You are teh best of teh Wonketteerz beasts, my friend! I so teh joinz you. Also. Too. Whatever. Christ, this is some fine, good wine. Oh, wut?

          • not that Dewey

            No Iroquois, huh? That's a shame. My hovercraft is full of eels.

            Na zdrovie, comrade!

          • Pristine_ODummy

            Hic! What? Iroquois? God DAMN these fuckin' Injuns.

            Xie xie ni, tongzhi!

      • ThundercatHo

        Testify, Brother. Plus, when you run out there's always that nasty glob of tar and whatnot.

        • Pristine_ODummy

          Jesus, if you live in a house filled with animals, as I do, that whatnot often comprises beast hair and dander. Not recommended for the delicate little tubules of the lungs.

          • not that Dewey

            If it weren't for that, you could just roll up the carpet and smoke it. There's gotta be an oh-zee in there, at least.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            Once, a long time ago, while getting whacked right out of our combined tree on some fine stuff grown in the hills of Aceh (great giggleweed), we opined on what we would do if we ran out of the precious substance. The joint and unanimous decision was that any of us who died should promptly be smoked, given that we were utterly saturated with these delightful, mind-altering oils.

            Fortunately, it didn't come to that.

          • not that Dewey

            I just sympathetically ate half a jar of Nutella, and I'm not even high.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            My ex swears you can get as high on Nutella as on good weed. She should know, she used to eat it by the jar.

          • A few years ago, driving through a cemetery to a funeral with my folks, I expressed a desire to be cremated. My mother thinks cremation is horrible for some reason and snapped "WHY would you want that?" I snapped right back, "So everyone can roll me into a big joint and smoke me!" Not that it really makes sense to smoke ashes, but it did break the tension.

          • Pristine_ODummy

            I will be proud and happy to roll your remains into a Mighty Spliff for use by your fellow Wonketeerz, if you promise to go to your grave seriously steeped in the Sacred And Noble Oils.

      • Pristine_ODummy

        Oh, FUCK YEAH.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Milton Waddams, after having his stapler confiscated?

    • chicken_thief

      McGyver? Along with a gum wrapper, some black pepper, and the spring from a ball point pen to launch a satellite into space.

    • mereoblivion

      Daniel Ellsberg?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Did they have paperclips in Hitler's time? Because, if not, you know … no Hitler.

      So I'm guessing Bill Clinton, because that's almost as bad as Hitler, right?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Some nerd making an X-Wing Fighter out of pilfered office supplies?

    • littlebigdaddy

      Early 1980's punks, as earrings?

    • Microsoft Bob?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Well, duh. If we don't use comb binding and clear plastic covers, then the terrorists have won.

    • emmelemm

      Because comb binding and clear plastic are made from petroleum, and God put us on this earth to run out those resources as fast as we possibly can. [amen]

    • Having comb bound several hundred copies of a small book, I can say that I'm pretty sure terrorists invented comb binding.

  • Devilette

    Do I really have to watch the video to get this? I can't stand those people on Fox.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      No. In fact, don't watch it unless you fricking have to, because Steve Douchebag will make you SO fucking sick.

      It's just yada-yada-yada ZOMG a paper clip (cut to shot of a document with a big honking clip the likes of which you never want approaching your nip-nips or your crotch) yada-yada-yada.

  • baconzgood

    These Faux-Noose dill weeds. They haven't read it (because it doesn't have LOL KITTY PICTURES) so they make fun of the binding. If he would have brought this down from Mt Sinai on tablets they would have said "Look he's using sandstone and not granite."

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Those Pox Ooze dillweeds wouldn't know from LOLCATZ if LOOOOONGCAT and TACGNOOOOOL joined together to bite them on their overly large cabooses.

  • shhhh.. don't tell them our President keeps a frugal profile with his footgear, also..

    • Must be all those picket lines he's been walking.

  • lamorenabruja

    Office Depot libel! And Kinko's doesn't really exist anymore, dweebus. Unless you count that one pudding wrestling place on C Street

  • DaRooster

    Fox ewe!!

  • Rotundo_

    They never seemed to care about Dubya using broken crayons and straying outside the lines, I wonder what their problem with Barry is? Oh, That. but haven't we come a long ways? Oh, I see, If they're barbaric enough to cheer on death for the uninsured, they probably are racist assholes too. Yeah, I guess that would explain it.

  • SorosBot

    I've got nothing – just like Fox News, which is why they have to pad out their attacks on Obama with nonsensical bullshit like this.

  • Tundra Grifter

    This is the 2011 version of the American flag lapel pin brouhaha. Remember that? When it was such a big deal candidate Obama didn't wear an American flag in his lapel?

    How many of the empty suits at the GNoP "debates" (the things you use to catch de fish) are wearing a flag pin?

    Looks to me like the terrorists have won!

    • chascates

      A flag-adorned binder clip would have never been questioned. Obama should start dressing as 'Uncle Sam'.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        or Sambo

        • Pristine_ODummy

          I'm sure the GOP already think of him that way. With the words "Little" and "Black" prefixing.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Or as a Colonial Williamsburgh greeter.

    • Radiotherapy┬«

      And teleprompters too. The Kenyan usurper uses teleprompters!!1!

  • axmxz

    A paperclip neither made of solid gold NOR encrusted with diamonds??? Someone call HUAC.

  • Devilette

    I watched, I now regret that I did. I'll miss those IQ points just lost. Seriously Doocy is such a dipshit and flipping stupid.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      I toldja not to. Was I wrong? Huh? Was I?

  • baconzgood

    "Dat's naught a ROU-CHE clep…Nauw dat's a ROU-CHE clep"

    -Obama-

  • MissusBarry

    I so have a tip for the Faux News…they should see the fucking commie toilet paper in federal building bathrooms. Aren't those Kochsuckers in the paper products biz? The least they could do is wipe my fucking ass with some decent two-ply. Maybe I'm wrong about commie toilet paper. The cheap, non-absorbent stuff is the product of the invisible hand (that must be mummified in layers of it so as not to get wet when doing its job).

  • ArmoredBore

    Are we really talking about this?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Needz moar racism!!!1!!!1

    • littlebigdaddy

      No, not really.

  • Perhaps the budget boogers at Faux would have preferred it printed on linen paper with a minimum of 25% cotton. Or something more like what Bill O'Reilly and the rest of the Murdouches use – an Etch-A-Sketch™?

    • Pristine_ODummy

      Bonus upfisty for Murdouches.

  • Not_So_Much

    Did the next segment go back to pummeling him for frivolous spending? Douchey — always so nuanced.

  • tcaalaw

    Where's the post about Arizona monkey-wrenching the timing of the Republican primaries?

  • Good Christ, W probably left a drawer full of them in the Oval Office desk. You know how when you move into a cubicle someone else has been using and they've always left a few office supplies lying around? Probably has a rubber-band ball and some dried-up pens as well.

    • Don't forget the tape dispenser and bottles of white out.

      • W probably left the white-out on purpose with a note: "Dear Barry, this should help cover up that unsightly melanin that's covering your skin. Don't wanna be PWB. Heh heh heh. Love, George."

        • Pristine_ODummy

          How sad is it that this remark barely stirs any surprise in my aged bosom?

          • Because you've been reading the Wonkettz for awhile? Because you've probably been a sentient human being for most of your life?

  • baconzgood

    And what do you bind your loose papers with Steve Doocy????? TWINE?

    • DaRooster

      "Papers? What papers? I have never had a need for papers… since I don't read or write… I can trace!!"

    • BornInATrailer

      Usually his wife just crumples them up in a wad in the trash after he piddles.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I remember back in the previous millennium when I was writing an academic treatise that had to be professionally typed, and the typist (who charged me about half my grad student annual income) nicely wrapped it in brown paper and tied it in twine. It was lovely.

  • A truly great president would have just written the plan on his hand.

  • MrsBiggTime

    I swear that Kenyan can't do anything right.

  • mavenmaven

    Is "chintzy" their new code word for "n—–"?

    • prommie

      Its the new word for "nigger-rigged."

  • Redhead

    And if he'd just skipped all the fancy words and complicated sentences and just gotten to the point of his plan – "I'm giving in to the Republicans AGAIN so lube up good before they fuck you over" – then he would have had a small enough stack of papers to not need such a clip and we could have all been spared this headache.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Obviously Obama should have outsourced the printing job to a private contractor, who would have bound the thing with titanium rivets (using cheap Chinese labor) at a cost to the taxpayer of $24,000 per copy.

  • prommie

    Their heads asploded because the President is Near. They don't even know what they are saying anymore, just braying like jackasses.

  • not that Dewey

    That was easy.

  • poorgradstudent

    To be fair, they were probably referring back to when President Clinton had that servant dressed in velvet robes and lavish jewelery whose only duty was to hold Clinton's notes between two perfumed fingers.

  • fuflans

    it's like they're actually in cahoots with the daily show.

  • fuflans

    i see those little fuckers all over the place.

    but i live a sad low rent life.

  • Just like that Obama to use a black paperclip! I guess he had all the white ones thrown out?

    • DashboardBuddha

      It's probably a refugee from Sarah's paperclip collection.

  • Man, that paperclip makes the report look so ghetto.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Chintzy? WTF…those clips rock. Regular paper clips just hold together paper and maybe be used to clean out your ear, but the bull clips are awesome. I have some holding together my printer stand, I used them in my hobbies, plus they came in handy when I was making hobo coffee at work.

    Those clips are not chintzy.

    • Pristine_ODummy

      As I might have already said, you don't want them anywhere near your nip-nips or your groin. Unless, that is, you're using them for circumcision.

  • GlowneyHouse

    Another great example of " We report: You decide."

    • "We Report: You Feel Ashamed of the State of Journalism in Your Country"

  • littlebigdaddy

    Obviously Biden put his stapler in jello.

  • Doktor Zoom

    America used to be a proud nation, an honorable nation. Thanks to this binder-clip-brandishing betrayer, I can no longer say that this is the country I grew up in.

  • If those sort of clips are strong enough to hold my arrest warrants and various traffic court papers, reciepts and affadavits to my windshield visor they can damn sure hold this stupid jobs bill together. We are talking Biblical – no – Dostoyevsky – level thickness here, people. I go to block the evening sun and "Crime and Punishment" pretty much falls right in my lap. "Chintzy" hmph!!!! .. D-D-D-Douchey is a damn Douche. And he pronounces his name "Doosie". Weird.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Fox news snarking on White House file footage sounds as delightful as Mystery Science Theater 3000 — after Trace left.

  • Brian Kilmead is the smart one.

  • not that Dewey

    Wait until they learn that Barry carries around the Daily Intelligence Briefing in one of these.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The appeal of that car, for Obama, must owe to his Indonesian Madrassa.

  • nanooknw

    A paper clip? Steve Doocy , one clip short of a load.

  • Leopold Stotch

    F%$@# Paperclips, how do they work?

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